#stfume

[hmingway]

7th February, 2017

Words: 1448

Warnings: Not overtly optimistic

I figure the best way to break writers block is to force myself to let a shit ton of things out, in the hopes that one of the little nuggets of emotion that I spew was the cause of the aforementioned mental dam. Today I came to terms with something in relation to my character. I am self-destructive. I always have been it seems (judging from looking back at myself and the choices I’ve made) I am self-destructive. Now I don’t know where this came from today, I was just walking to the bank to sort some stuff out to do with cards and the internet, but I had to stop and register where my train of thought had decided to rail. It’s like a certain number of little cogs connected in my little brain and decided to rotate. Just this once. And let me know why I’ve made a few questionable decisions in my short lifetime thus far. A good anecdote to sum up what I mean by my being ‘self-destructive’ (due to it being a sort of umbrella term ranging from suddenly huffing at the wrong time, to literal spontaneous combustion) is the story of the first time I genuinely fell in love with someone. I won’t disclose names, as privacy is one of the few things we have left nowadays, so I’ll call her Riley. I met Riley in secondary school (at age 15) and was instantly captivated. It wasn’t love then, not even close, just a sort of silent admiration for this girl’s genetic code, the combination of which just seemed to resonate with me. After around 32 days of silent admiration, I finally (with the help of my friend jack) managed to strike up a conversation with this beautiful human. I remember noticing the following in that first interaction; She was slightly taller than me (and she still is); her hair was allowed to fall wherever it liked (it still does); and that she smelt lovely, like lemongrass and sleep. We talked in a group, all stood in a little circle with our bags slung either over both shoulders (for those who favored stability) or just one (for those who favored looking snazzy). And we just talked. It was all hollow, of course, just happy sentences filling silence. But I liked it, I liked the happy noise. And (though it took me a while to become conscious of it) my eyes would always seek hers out. And when they did meet at the end of a joke or story, this girl and I, would smile at one another. It was a small gesture, if one were to even call it that. But it was nice, and it made me feel warm, which for someone with my disposition, is an incredibly rare experience. These interactions went on for a few months, and it’s within these that began to fall in love.

    I then went to Spain on holiday, and during the time spent in that hot, cramped apartment owned by my mother’s friend, i began to fall deeper down the metaphorical rabbit hole. On my phone, I began striking up conversations with Riley. We would talk every day. And I loved it. Looking back now, it all looks like escapism from the heat and loudness (I hate both, and funnily enough do not remember this holiday very fondly) but at the time it was lovely. We got talking about likes and dislikes, one of the racier topics we brushed over was about honeymoon destinations, namely what our ideals would be. We went on like this for a week, and I began to register that this girl (whether I wanted to believe it or not) may have developed feelings for me. During my last day in Spain, I told her that I liked her. And she told me she liked me too. I can’t remember how I felt, or how it went down in detail, but I was happy. And being happy made the hellish journey from the sunny culture fair that is Spain to the wet sponge that is England that little bit easier. When I got back to England, we talked less but still often. When we attended sleepovers together we would hug longer than most and sit close to one another. Occasionally (if we were feeling daring) even holding hands. Now I know this all sounds like childish curiosity, and how we were going about it was admittedly akin to a child hiding something precious to them. But that’s almost exactly what this relationship was to me. It was something precious that I wanted to keep, that was something id never felt before in my little existence. And I wanted to preserve what little I had.

    The peak of this (I’m tempted to say juvenile affair, due to how we were going about it) was at a Halloween party. Or more specifically afterwards. The party itself was actually quite the spectacle, I remember the girl hosting it did a marvelous job decorating, every surface imaginable was covered with ghoulish decorations. Heck there was even a little cobweb gauntlet from the front door to the main living room. But it was after the party that I remember with the most clarity. We were all lying side by side on the floor of the room (sleeping quarters were scarce I suppose. Or we just didn’t want to be alone) and I was lying next to Riley. I’d spend the longest time staring at the ceiling and thinking, and was surprised to find when I finally lay my head to the side,  two small emerald eyes peering through the darkness at me. I smiled and mouthed ‘hello’ which was met with a soft smile and the words ‘evenin’ mouthed back at me. We talked like this for a good while, I’d give a time stamp but I really can’t think of one, I wasn’t paying attention to the time or movement of the light, I was paying attention to her. The way the moonlight danced in her eyes and the way her hair fell when gravity had been rotated. We just talked, and eventually, I found myself with my arms around her. It was innocent, I didn’t just grab her boob and be done with the pleasantries, no. I simply held her, and we slept like that. It was an innocent moment of two people sharing something. And it was from this, my gaining something so precious and fragile, that I began to crack. After this event, she seemed to talk to me more, then less. It started with excuses ‘I’ve got to go my brother is calling me’ or just not receiving anything for days. I knew something was wrong. I knew her. Something was definitely wrong. And it would take me a month to finally be told what that was.

    Riley was a branch off aromatic. She told me how she would ‘fall out of love’ easily, and that just happened to be the case with me. Throughout being told how I was a nice person and that she still wanted to be friends, something clicked. Instead of doing the human thing and getting upset, trying to preserve our relationship (if you would even call it that), or trying to see if we could make ‘it’ work. I instead said that I was sorry. That i completely understood her feelings, and that its okay for her to feel that way. I comforted her, earning numerous ‘you are too nice’s and ‘thank you's and made sure she knew that she was not a bad person for not loving me. But amidst all the thank you's and reminders that i’m not a shit human being, the words seemed to lose meaning. They weren’t what I wanted. What I wanted was for this human in front of me to be happy. And the only way to do that was for me to be sad. She mentioned to me years later how she wished id said something, that id tried to fight for us. But that’s not how I’m wired. I’m wired (and this is what I came to terms with today) to prioritize other people’s happiness over my own. I’m wired to destroy myself to make others whole. I’ll never make myself priority, I cant. Because being sad is worth it if I can see them happy. I am not sure what this all means quite yet, I’ll probably ask the human who knows all there is to know about me after I post this for a synopsis. But I thought I’d pop it on here, yall seem to understand a lot. So if you managed to get this far my dear reader, thank you for your time. And I hope you have a wonderful evening. Thank you, and goodnight.

[amuletbrothers-blog]

before I watched Doctor Who I was like "who the hell can remember what tardis stands for?!??" but now I'm like "TIME AND RELATIVE DIMENSION IN SPACE" without blinking because we all know what happens if you blink

[feigned-perfection]

My curls bring all the boys to the yard. Not really but this is to prove what my hair looks like when I stumble out of slumber. To be taken from my dreams and deal with mortals. What is this life? #stfume

[justicedisapproves]

What did I do to earn the -15 disapproval from Justice? What is your job? If you were trapped on a desert island, who would you want to be stranded with: Adam Savage from the Mythbusters or Bill Nye? What is the best way to destroy a microwave?

AIYA WHY YOU ASK SO MANY AR?

What did I do to earn the -15 disapproval from Justice?

It knows when you are sleeping, it knows when you're awake, it knows when you've been thinking of killing innocent centipedes like the unjust heathen you are, and it disapproves by at least 15 points. 

The centipede was removed in favour of a cute kitten.

What is your job?

I work for a small group advocating for rights causes in mainland China, doing various things that could be viewed as seditious should one be a paranoid Party cadre. I also volunteer for women's and animal rights groups in Hong Kong and Macao. I have yet to achieve my dream of being a full-time karaoke singer.

If you were trapped on a desert island, who would you want to be stranded with: Adam Savage from the Mythbusters or Bill Nye?

I know of MythBusters only from radio interviews with the hosts and have but vague recollections of the theme for Bill Nye's science show. My understanding of MythBusters is that they try to disprove popularly-accepted conceptions in ways that are awesome and that, whilst going about things in a somewhat scientific manner, they are not scientists. My understanding of Bill Nye is that he is a proper engineer and scientist who also happens to be awesome. If I were trapped on the desert island and wanting to get off, I'd vote for Nye -- his experience and education might help. Otherwise, I'd vote for Savage, as he'd at least be amusing.

What is the best way to destroy a microwave?

Microwaving it inside a larger microwave is always the right answer.

[hmingway]

Academia shall be the death of youth, and the birth of decision

[hmingway]

Psa:2

Im going on a fucking walk, my mind is too loud and this room is too small. 

[hmingway]

Status report

Woke up, still a piece of shit, but I feel better.

[hmingway]

2 and 6 for the question thing

2. What is your favorite quote?I made a post about this a week or so ago, but it’s currently this - “how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” ~ lovely little excerpt there from whinnie the pooh. 6. Favorite song?Ive been listening to ‘cherry’ - by moose blood on repeat for the last week or so. So I’ll go with that for now. Though ‘smile like you mean it’ by the killers is my jam. It’s one of the few songs I’ve actually willingly danced to, some good shit right there.

[hmingway]

12 for the 20 questions ask?

I was a pretty dumb kid, but one thing sticks up among the clatter that seems half worth talking about. When i was around 9 - 10 i read somewhere that we all had a ‘guardian angel’ watching over us. But it wouldn’t however be able to help you unless you asked it too. Thus began the good year and a half period of me believing i had an angel watching over little kid me all the time, and every time i was walking home from school and got creeped out by a bush. Or had a nightmare or heard a bump id ask, out loud, for my personal angel to ‘protect me’. This ,however delusional, actually gave kid me a huge sense of security, and did actually cure my fear of the dark somewhat. So hey if your gonna learn anything from this let it the following; if you’re scared of shrubbery and/or the dark, fabricate your own religion it does wonders.

[hmingway]

I thought too hard again

The following is a message I sent one of my closest acquaintances at 10 to midnight. She breached the idea of how the way we met was scarily convenient, and almost borderline impossible.

‘Then again if you think hard enough you realise that pretty much our entire existence is borderline impossible. To think that two people had to meet somewhere along the line, and those same two people had to fall in love and have children. Then one of those children met another person, and repeated the process and so on and so fourth. Our entire unlikely existence is thanks to an infinite amount of impossibly convenient moments. Be it meeting in a coffee shop, being set up by a freind or even something as simple as asking for a book in a library. All of these moments happened and resulted in you. You are made of infinity. So.. Suppose if you ever need a pick me up then just remember you are a borderline miracle 😂 and you are the result of umpteenth impossible coincidences. ’

[hmingway]

Untouchable

Work type: Short story

Warnings: None

Word count: 860

Authors note: This is a passion piece which resulted from a moment of inspiration. A short little love story about a boy named damon and his inner struggle.

You know she has a boyfriend, you know this, you’ve known this for a while Yet here you are, sat on the beach with the girl you have fallen hopelessly in love with. Youd spent the day together again, had coffee, bought clothes and trinkets neither of you really needed but felt obliged to invest into. Skye has dragged you through innumerable nerd shops, stared at numerous cameras and cd’s, probably singlehandedly worn down your blue converse in this day more than you have in two years, and you wouldn’t take back a single second. You love her completely, you’d come to terms with this over the last month or so, not just in the meaning of the word but the meaning of the meaning. Skye is an anomaly, an oddball whom you have been captured by hook line and sinker, she is of her own kind and you know it, and it fascinates you.  And she Is completely untouchable. And I’m not saying that she is literally repelling you with some strange force unbeknownst to man. I’m saying that despite however much you may want to kiss her, to hold her and so on and so forth, the very idea (however beautiful) repulses you. The idea itself is beautiful, but the consequences and all that come along with the initial motion are what break your resolve. In her mind, you are her friend, and friends to your knowledge do not kiss or hold one another in the manner you’re picturing. She notices you gazing a little longer than anyone would at their own shoes and questions your mental absence with a soft pat on the shoulder. “Damon you still with me?” she says, her voice smiling in a way that you can’t understand, but can’t seem to forget either. It’s a nervous smile that you respond to with a confidently fake smirk. “Where else would I be?” you say nonchalantly, leaning back on your hands, returning to your denied mental distance for a moment. In this moment you think hard. Think about the pros and cons of what you may or may not be about to do, and think about how you can make it as natural as possible and also go over the infinite ways you could do it wrong. You’ve done this once before, however you were drunk and didn’t know the poor girl whom received your feelings. You think and ponder and do almost every synonym for the words think and ponder in this single moment. You take in the enormity of the moment you are currently in and what you are currently feeling, how it may change in a year or so or if it may strengthen in time to come. You cycle through thoughts and memories and shared moments that make a few years feel like a lifetime, and play with the idea that one day your feelings will one day reach her. Then after this entire impossibly complex moment, you flop back onto the pebbles. You look into the sky and breathe in the enormity and the importance she brings to every moment you spend with her, you relish it and come to a resolute conclusion. “I’m still here, I’m not going anywhere dumbass.” You say softly, patting her back as she looks down at you, perplexed by your odd change in position. She gazes at you, the sun glancing across the side of her face, the amber light bringing out the odd flecks of gold sprinkled in her eyes that you always mentally compared to stars. Your eyes meet and the world freezes for a second, a single beautiful moment occupied only by you her and the enormity of it all. You smile softly at her, meaning it truly this time, and lie your head back against the smooth stones, warmed by the sunlight. “I’m not going anywhere, I love you remember?” you remark, the truth in your words probably lost on her, but you don’t mind. She chuckles and to your surprise lies down beside you. Her shoulder touching your arm, and warming you softly. “I know” she says casually, lying her head back against the stones with you, completely oblivious to your statements true weight. But you’re okay with that you decide, you are happy. You smile to yourself and close your eyes, allowing the sun to warm your skin. You are happy with this, this beautiful whatever it is, and that’s okay. Because what will be will be, you can deal with your inner turmoil later, for now you just need to breathe in the moment and appreciate the simple warmth of it all. The soft breathing beside you and the soft contact sending a current through your brain. the sounds of waves crashing softly, bubbling to a halt a few metres in front of you. You take it all in and resolve yourself to its majesty, it’ll all be okay in the end, for now you would like to just enjoy what you have, this stupidly beautiful whatever it is. Just to quietly appreciate what you have, and not linger for a moment on what you don’t.

[justicedisapproves]

one cannot leave well enough alone

but one can also not abide by

the Chantry's story of mages potentially being as accurate as they preach as revealed in the Legacy DLC; and 

Anders' subsequent comment that they might have been right and such a revelation would require thought; 

being taken to mean that Anders should thus

completely reverse his views; and 

believe that mages perhaps should be locked up against their will mandatorily taken in for education and training by a religious order; therefore

not blow of the Chantry in order to remove the possibility of compromise and incite revolution. 

People with strong beliefs have them contested frequently. If he had been raised in the Chantry--which one can reasonably assume that he was at home and then definitely would have been again at the Circle--then he would be well familiar with the arguments made by the Chantry and its proponents for their less-than-tolerant policies toward mages given that they would have been the justification for their captivity. He also would have undoubtedly heard argued that the example of contemporary Tevinter alone is cause enough to keep mages incarcerated. It is likely that he had dismissed both of them, but he would have needed counter-arguments should they have been raised, and there is no way that he could not have expected such.

If Anders' convictions cannot withstand well-founded doubt and scrutiny, then he shouldn't be holding them. Bioware gives the player the option to influence Anders' beliefs through such scrutiny in the rivalry romance. It is possible that Anders would take the knowledge gained during Legacy and come to the realisation that his views were not well-founded, and that a less volatile approach is required. In short, if Anders is not allied with Justice thanks to a heaping influence of a dissenting Hawke, he is going to begin to rethink his/their approach somewhere along the lines, but Justice is still going to assert control and set the Chantry up the bomb.

Bioware also gives the player the option to reinforce Anders' beliefs, keeping him in alliance with the spirit with whom he shares his body. If Anders is allied with Justice, then he believes in his cause. His beliefs are strong enough that any doubt resulting from the events of Legacy or any other events of the game because he has considered the facts and possibilities before him and still decided that mages at the present do deserve humane treatment and self determination, regardless of the acts of some mages in past. He blows up the Chantry and sparks a revolution and life is rainbows and kittens for all of about three seconds.

In conclusion: Either Anders or Justice is going to make the Chantry go boom, and you need to get over that the player cannot control everything in DA2.