#steve lim hard thoughts

[ssongsboo]

steve would sooo cum on your ass or tummy and write his name into the mess he made btw

[thehauntedinfirmary]

Fic Rec Friday Edition 35

Welcome to Fic Rec Friday! I HOPE you're in the mood to READ this week!

How did it end? by Ren_Saxon Complete | 3k words

Ryan pulled off him just for a moment, his head spinning again as he looked down at Shane - kissed-red lips, half-parted, asking for more, his cheeks flushed and his hair ruffled. The painful reminder, the symbol of his life having crumbled over night, fallen apart, gone up in flames. You can have either one or the other, his own voice reminded him mockingly. But never both.

Extra Scratch by sequence_fairy Complete | 500 words

"Who gives you that extra scratch to keep your pretty little asshole bleached?"

Big Apple Steve and That Time He Obliviously Third-Wheeled His Friends All Summer by beethechange Complete | 12k words

Steven Lim is not a stupid man. Steven Lim is a capable man, an ex-scientist, creator and producer of Buzzfeed’s most popular video series. He helped invent Tide Pods, for Pete’s sake. Tide Pods. So he knows he’s no idiot. He’s naïve, perhaps. He has blind spots, like anyone, particularly when it comes to relationships, especially when it comes to sex. Still, when he walks in on Ryan sitting astride Shane’s lap on the sofa, tongue fully in the guy’s mouth, hand fully down his pants, Steven reckons he should probably have seen this one coming.

The Law of Parsimony by ÉcrivainFantôme Complete | 26k words

The Law of Parsimony - Also called ‘Occam's razor’, is a mental model which states that “it is futile to do with more what can be done with fewer”— In other words, the simplest explanation is most likely the right one; no matter how unlikely. Shane tries really hard to hear the voices when he’s doing the Estes method for Ryan. It’s just, you know. This time, he hears the voices after the Estes method has stopped, too.

Don't Forget To LycanSubscribe by breathtaken Complete | 24k words

Shane looks up and nearly swallows his tongue as he finds himself face-to-face with Ryan from LycanSubscribe. The YouTube channel that’s consumed most of Shane’s leisure time and pretty much all his waking thoughts for the past two weeks, not to mention a couple of vaguely guilty jerk-off sessions. Ryan’s wearing a white T-shirt with a pair of sunglasses hooked onto the neck and there’s a stray lock of hair curling over his forehead, and he’s even more startlingly attractive in the flesh—which in Shane’s opinion is saying something. He says, “Hi, can I get a—” “Grande iced chai latte,” Shane blurts out, before he can stop himself.

Hold You By The Edges by Exorin and sequence_fairy Complete | 7k words

Shane’s got one knee on the couch when they separate. He’s crowding over Steven, pressing him back into the cushions. There’s a delicate flush on Steven’s cheeks, his mouth still slightly parted when Shane pulls away. “You’re sure this is okay?” Shane asks, sliding onto the couch beside Steven without breaking the contact of his hand against Steven’s face. Instead of answering, Steven’s leaning in again, nodding yes with his eyes gently closed. Shane gently stops him with a hand on his chest and waits until Steven’s eyes flutter open again. “Hey, I need you to say it out loud for me,” Shane says, his voice so low and careful.

darling it's a faded notion by varnes Complete | 29k words

The sun is too bright and Ryan’s whole body is alight with something that is eating him all the way up from the inside out, but he keeps his eyes open and he makes himself look, and he tells himself that once he finds Shane, he’ll think about it. Once he finds Shane, they’ll make a plan. Once he finds Shane, and only then, he’ll let himself have the thought he’s been swallowing down like bile since he came to: that they didn’t fall. They were pushed. OR: Ryan and Shane get cursed by a ghost, and now they can't be not-touching. It's ... not great.

Begin the Begin, Over and Over by beethechange Complete | 33k words

Shane only agrees to be handcuffed to Ryan for a video because he can put up with anything for twenty-four hours. That’s the funny thing about time loops, though—they don’t always adhere to the parameters set by clickbait videos.

tear down the doors, throw open windows by VileKepler Complete | 97k words

Watcher's newest project, Bed & Breakfast & Boys, should really have made Ryan figure out some stuff sooner. Because staying at nice hotels for romantic weekend getaways alone with his best friend really shouldn't make his palms all clammy. Or, 5 times Ryan and Shane stayed in cool hotels for a show + 1 time for themselves.

Nothing safe is worth the drive by Ren_Saxon Complete | 5k words

Shane hates driving. Shane hates the unfamiliar streets of LA. Shane does not hate the hot guy he accidentally cut off at an intersection - who somehow found him on Grindr of all places.

Once Upon a Porno by GomorrahHillsides Complete | 15k words

Seeking comfort after a hellish nightmare, Ryan drops in on Shane late at night. He uses the spare key, thinking the Big Guy's asleep. Spoiler : he's not. How one awkward moment can change your future. Or, the story of how two grown men end up forging a deeper, more intimate relationship by way of dubbing a period piece porno together.

drink up by mccxxvi Complete | 2k words

He shouldn’t do this anymore. They shouldn’t do this anymore. Last time was the last time.

Like a Little Clock by fightingfuries Complete | 2k words

"We can go a day without kissing." Shane looks sceptical. "We can! Especially if you are your usual asshole self. Just pick a fight with me and I'll be cured of wanting to kiss you for 24 hours easy." Shane snorts. "That's not gonna work. Arguing turns you on." or, Shane and Ryan test if they're still in a time loop

"If you really wanna move the needle..." by StrangeAndOffPudding Complete | 26k words

Ryan's curiosity is piqued when Shane acts shifty about a seemingly innocent taunt. Shane internally battles a secret weakness and desire that is more than a little embarrassing. Over the course of a ghost-hunting roadtrip to film a new season of Ghost Files, Ryan pokes and prods at this wall until Shane's defenses crumble, and he admits what he REALLY thinks of all those teasing touches - but is it just body chemistry, or does this escalating intimacy say more about their relationship than either one realized?

Want to learn more about The Haunted Infirmary? Check out our pinned post!

[after-nine-at-the-oasis]

Promo time!!

Last Promo Time ever :')) DD': 😭😭😭😭🥺💔💔❤️❤️

Last I recall the patient doesn't want care 😭

Y'ALLLL all of them there 😭😭🥺

Ohh nooo :'((

AWWWW I SWEAR IF HE HAS TO 😭😭😭

Honestly I don't even really care about him (I mean I do) but I care about e

Her and about me tall 😭😭😭 xd

AAAHHHH

I swear if he has to choose between them :'))

AAAAUGHHHH 😭😭😭😭💔💔🥺❤️

Aww holding Steve :'))

Is that Claire's hand 😭😭🥺❤️

Hugging Lea :'DD

AAAUAGHHHH ALL THESE LOOKS AND HUGS, PARK AND SHAUN CLAIRE AND JARED LIM AND CLAIRE 😭😭😭🥺❤️❤️

Not a hug on the first one but eh

It's gonna be so hard to fit them all into one episode, doing each character and relationship justice xdd

Probably won't be much Parknik since they got some stuff this episode lol

Anyway AAAAHHHHHHHH 😭😭😭😭���💔💔❤️🥺

TELL ME WHY LIM'S LOOKING LIKE CLAIRE'S GOODBYE TO MELENDEZ 😭😭😭😭😭💔🥺🥺❤️❤️

I'M NOT EVEN TLAKING ABOUT THE GAY FOR THE TELL ME WHY I'M TALKING ABOUT THE GOODBYE PART 😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔🥺🥺😭❤️❤️

THAT QUOTE IS SO TRUE BUT JUST UAAAGHHHHH 😭😭😭😭💔🥺

Y'all I'm boutta make my gay thoughts as dramatic as this promo xdd

The ones I'm having after this unrelated, but also as recovery xdd

Gosh guys I'm not ready to let this show go 😭😭😭😭💔 I know it hurts me and I've been a little hesitant this season because of You Know What and also just not wanting it to end so kind of not wanting to watch but I seriously do love it so much xdd :'((( 😭😭😭🥺

I'm gonna miss them xdd :'(( :')

At least in my head they can all be happy, no matter what happens xdd

Anyway :'))

I love you all so much <33

But right I'll be back later lol :'D

Well, that's the last of my last thoughts, time for the. . .

REVIEW

I loved this episode so much y'all. Seeing Claire again 😭😭 AAHHHH!! The Parknik wedding :'DDD AAHHHHH!!! Hannah getting help :')) 🥰🥰🥺!! And everything else :')). It was such a great episode, a really good second to last episode <33. Setting up the ending and having enough drama but still managing to bring closure to everyone's storylines <33. I'm glad everyone's okay (ignoring the last two minutes) this time, but I can't really say that till after next time xd. If I get to lol. But yeah, amazing episode :'DD 🥰🥰🥰.

Anyway, I'm off to have my gay thoughts :'D. I'll see y'all soon <33.

Okay I'm back :)! I said a lot during the liveblog so I won't say as much here but! Time for the individual sections :)).

Dom and Charlie! I loved seeing Charlie and Claire interact :D. She's so sweet and good with people, and Charlie's just so open and sweet :'))). Aaahh, I love them so much :D. Also Dom AAATE UP that song at the end!!! LEFT NO CRUMBS!!! An icon, we love <333.

Jordan! Girl's shifty looks at Jared o.o. Also finding out that she's been texting Danny every day since Asher died 😭😭😭💔💔❤️🥺. I'm not okay y'all <333. Anyway she also absolutely SLAYYYED that ending song, my gosh :O. An icon <3333. I hope everything works out with/for her :')) 🥰🥰🥰. I love her so much <33.

Jerome and Asher! YES I'm including Asher because he deserves it 😭😭💔❤️. Glad we got to see Jerome this episode, even if just for a bit :'D. And glad he seemed to be doing okay <33. Gosh they (Jasher) really can't have a happy wedding lol, not even their own xdd 😭. Ignore me talking like he's still alive, he is to me <3. Anyway seeing a marriage got me a little sad about what was supposed to happen 😭😭 (and the fact that not seeing a Jasher wedding was one of the things I thought of about losing TGD then. this 😐), but I'll live xdd. I can pretend after the show ends 😌😌 x'd. I love them so much <3333 ❤️❤️🥰🥰🥰.

Shaun and Lea! I'm so glad they ended up supporting Glassman :'D. Though maybe the decision shouldn't quite have been "let's full on allow the drugs", but I'm glad that didn't end up happening xdd xD. Anyway AAHHHH SEEING THEM WITH CLAIRE WAS SOOO CUTE AND LOVELY :'DDDD. I love them so much guys 😭😭😭😭❤️🥺🥺🥺🥰. Also seeing Claire with Steve was all I needed in my life :')). Anyway, I loved the moments they talked about Shaun's growth 😭😭🥺❤️. He really has grown and changed so much, while still being the same great person deep down :')). I'm so proud of him <3. And of Lea too :'DD, and their little family together <3. Glassman better be okay xd. I didn't originally mean it but he's part of their family and he better be fine 😭😭🥺❤️. Anyway, I love them so much <33.

Glassman! Y'alllll his storyline had me stressinggg 😭😭😭😭💔🥺. I'm SO glad it all ended up okay :')), and that Hannah agreed to get the help she needs <333. And AUOAGH that Shaun helped 😭😭😭🥺. That moment with Glassman too was just amazing <33. ALTHOUGH GLASSMANNNN YOU BETTER BE FINE!!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME MAN 😭😭😭💔💔. Now I guess we know why he didn't care about his job in the ethical concerns department xdd. Like losing it lol. Anyway, I love him so much <333. If this has to be goodbye, I hope it's a good one, because he deserves it <333.

Lim! I felt so bad for her this episodeeee :'(((. Girl's really feeling that nostalgia D': :'). I was so happy to see her and Claire together again though :'DD 🥰🥰🥰. I do think it would be wild and hilarious if they ended up together xD, but I don't think it'll happen lol. Anyway, I hope she stays, but more than anything - I hope she finds happiness <333. And I hope she snot afraid to hold onto it :')). I love her so much <333 ❤️❤️😭❤️.

Claire and Jared! Y'ALLLL THEY'RE WILD WITH THIS ONE O.O. I'm happy both of them are happy, but it does kind of feel like they're just shoving them together for a picture perfect ending xD. But hey, if it's what the characters want, I'll be happy for them <3. Goodness knows they both deserve it :')). I really loved hearing about both their journeys though :'DD!! So great to remember :')) 🥰❤️. AND CLAIRE GIRLLLL YOU BETTER BE OKAY O.O 😤😤😤😭😭😭💔. My darling does not deserve to go out like Melendez (sorry my guy you know I love you xd) 😭😭🥺💔 xd. Even if it would be matching/fitting lol. I just hope she's okay <3333. I love them so much :')) ❤️.

Alex and Morgan! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm so happy for them :'DDD. And yes I used his first name lol - it's his wedding day he deserves it xd. WHOOOOOO THEY'RE MARRIED 🥳🥳🥳🥳🎊🎊🎉🎉🎂🎂🎂🥰🥰❤️❤️🥳❤️🥳🥰🎊🎉🎊🎊🥳🥰🥰❤️❤️🎂🥳🥳🎂🎂!!!! I'm so proud of them for getting this far and I just hope it all goes well :'))). I'm glad they got to have the wedding they wanted :'DD x'D 🥰🥰. Even at 2 am lol :')) (that's the reason for the x'D). I'm gonna miss these idiots so much <333. Once again, we saw their stories, and I just loved them :')). I love them so much <333.

Overall, I really loved this episode. It was so good!! And it went over everyone's storylines, especially the OGs, but it still felt natural. Like, I could tell they were doing it (some times more than others, some times more in character/fitting with the plot/moment than others), but each of them felt unique, not just the same rehashing tactic each time :'D. I noticed that while writing this review and really enjoyed it <33. I think everyone's getting really good endings (even if I'm still salty about Asher and forever will be - angry and sad, straight up, actually xdd). Also, the cases were really cool this episode :'D. Well, really, one was Claire, but you know lol. Anyway, it was a really great episode 🥰🥰❤️. I'm gonna miss this darn show so much :')). I'm not ready for them to leave me xdd 😭🥺🥺💔❤️. Still, a great episode that everyone absolutely slayed in, characters and actors, no matter what they were doing :) <3. Also the unconditional love theme was just amazing 😭😭❤️. So beautiful :') <333.

So yeah! I really enjoyed this episode, I thought it was amazing. The tension was real at parts, but it was still so so good. I'm so excited for the next, the last, episode! This has been my review of. . .

The Good Doctor, Season 7, Episode 9: Unconditional

It was so great! I'm not at all ready for this series to end, and I'm terrified for the next episode, but I'm so excited for it as well. Still sad though. I'll be back next week with my review of. . .

The Good Doctor, Season 7, Episode 10: Goodbye

See you next week!

[skepticbeliever-bookclub]

Hello everyone! 

We’re back again with our read of the week! 

This week, we asked the book club to pick us a fic that makes them laugh, and well, we got a fic full of laughs, heart and that juicy touch of obliviousness that happens when you are just not quite in on the story happening just off-screen.

Big Apple Steve and That Time He Obliviously Third-Wheeled His Friends All Summer by beethechange is an insightful portrayal of Shane and Ryan and all their weirdness via our most beloved Steven Lim. It is at turns absolutely fucking hilarious, and at other turns, refusing to pull it’s punches about the potential fallout for the situation. 

Rating: Teen

Summary: 

Steven Lim is not a stupid man. Steven Lim is a capable man, an ex-scientist, creator and producer of Buzzfeed’s most popular video series. He helped invent Tide Pods, for Pete’s sake. Tide Pods.

So he knows he’s no idiot. He’s naïve, perhaps. He has blind spots, like anyone, particularly when it comes to relationships, especially when it comes to sex.

Still, when he walks in on Ryan sitting astride Shane’s lap on the sofa, tongue fully in the guy’s mouth, hand fully down his pants, Steven reckons he should probably have seen this one coming.

Book Club Thoughts

I love hijinks and I love third party perspective fic

what I like most also about that pov is that when we write or read fic, we tend to do it in third person limited so we never quite get the full view of what them together looks like. An outsider POV lends a very clear and gorgeous image. 

I like how it's not only an outsider point-of-view, but also an illustration of how, every morning, Steven gets up and actively chooses to give people the best-faith-interpretation that he's capable of

The outside perspective is so lovely because like you get those slice of life moments like when they're having dinner, and it's somehow more intimate than if it had been described from Shane or Ryan's perspectives, because it's like Stevens just walking in on it

I also like the fact that you really captured Steven's flavor of emotional intelligence. He seems like he's good at reading people, but maybe not always relationships and ust.

i love the steady progression of "alright i can see how he'd justify that one" to "how the hell do you misinterpret THAT" because that's gotta be what happens when you're staring at something 0.5 inch away from your face and unfolding in real time

i like that shane and ryan both have their separate moments of realizing they were excluding steven and wanting to make sure he knew they wanted him there

my favourite relationship in this fic is shane and steven getting to be better friends

My favorite Shane and Steven scene in this (or one of them) is when Shane is like "you're not just here as an afterthought, we want you because you bring a different perspective." I think really describes their relationship well.

my favorite part about the fic is that it has the side effect of helping you fall in love with steven lim

The author’s grasp of Steven’s particular character voice is honestly so masterful

One of the details of the fic that I enjoyed very much was actually the portrayal of Steven's relationship w his faith, because it's pretty similar to my own. We have convictions, we know the connotations it brings, we just wanna have friends. 

I love this fic. Very funny miscommunication and hijinks covering all these emotions and deep character stuff.

I want to praise the immaculate narrative flow, use of character voice, and truly excellent pacing

It not only is perfectly written but it's just so fucking fun and silly. It still makes me laugh unbearably hard every time I read it

that's the word i keep coming back to: this fic is SATISFYING

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US FOR OUR NEXT DISCUSSION? CHECK OUT THE FAQ, AND SEND US AN ASK! IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR FIC RECS, PLEASE CHECK OUT OUR READS, NOMINEES AND BOOK CLUB REC LISTS!

[ad1thi]

@starklysteve me?? spamming you w recs because i love talking about my ships?? more likely than you think :)) (here’s some rhodeytony to get you started on what is objectively the best tony ship)

i place your hands around my neck:  @fanfictiongreenirises

"Rhodey could practically feel his lungs getting heavier again, weighed down by roots of plants that he’d thought would never take hold in him again."

Or: the one where Rhodey's been pining over Tony for much longer than either of them realised and develops the Hanahaki disease

Pretend We’re In Love (The Heartache Still Hurts): @marvelingjules

Rhodey's dad is dying, and what he's always wanted is for Rhodey to be happily married. Tony and Rhodey were best friends, and haven't spoken in years. But after a chance meeting at the airport, and a desperate, insane idea on Rhodey's part, they end up pretending to be engaged.

But how much of it is really pretend?

i can’t seem to get a grip, no matter how i live with it:  @psikeval

Tony knows he's got no business being a father.

A Million Shades of Blue: @notfknapplicable

“I just know that if I could get to wherever he is, I could find him. Dead or alive, I'd bring him back to us.”

James Rhodes will never stop searching for Tony Stark.

Twenty Five Years: @notfknapplicable (part of a series)

Nobody knows how long this has actually been going on. (Tony Stark has pretty much been in a monogamous relationship since he was 18 years old.)

Leave The Light On: @notfknapplicable (part of a series)

He was never doing this for fun. He'd just wanted to stay awake. And whatever you do, please don't tell that guy he's been fucking. He kinda likes him.

coloured in sun: @heleus

The one in which Anthony Edward Stark, having just reached the warm age of seventeen, realizes that he's in love with his best friend.

(The idea is terrifying.)

the planets that bend us: @deathsweetqueen

When Antonia Margaret Stark wakes up on her sixth birthday, it’s to the words: I didn’t get any sleep last night after that fucking lawn mower decided that 7 in the morning would be a perfect time for him to start his day, right outside my room.

She runs a thumb over the long string of words, wrapping around her wrist like a thick leather band.

She smiles.

She’s fourteen when she meets James Rupert Rhodes for the first time.

Written for the "more than a partner" square (S3) for the Tony Stark Bingo 2019 and the "soulmate" square for the Iron Husbands Bingo 2019

we rattle together in a bed of honey: @deathsweetqueen

Toni first met James Rhodes in Cellular Neurophysiology and Computing, when she was fourteen and trying very hard to stay in the shadows. She stumbles into the classroom, clutching her books and binders and pencil case close to her chest, as she stares at everything, wide-eyed and hungry and terrified. She seizes on the contempt, the confusion, the incredulity of the other freshman who look at her like she’s an incongruity – she’s used to that look, all that hate and derision.

She eats it up like chocolate cake.

Much to her luck, all the seats are filled, all except for one towards the middle of the row, a table shared only by a tall, handsome black boy, sleeping on top of the counter.

a winding road that stretches to the truth: @/coulddaughter (this author ostensibly has a tumblr but im unable to locate it -- so if anyone knows what their tumblr is please let me know so i can tag them!)

“Why do you need a date? Also, no offence, but why did you come to me? I stole, like, four of your girlfriends and at least two boyfriends, remember.”

“I do remember that, Tony,” said Jim, pinching the bridge of his nose. “No, I need you to come on a date with me.”

Love in the Eyes:  @child-of-sunshine

The moment each of the Avengers realized Tony and Rhodey were in love.

The Curious Case Of The Discarded Condom:  @/AssvengersArsemble

Natasha, Clint and Steve get just a little nosy about Tony's love life. Tony finds it extremely amusing they can't see what's right under their noses.

takes a lot of love and compliance: @gyzym

She's born breech, feet kicking out before the rest of her screams free; she's born breech, and never stops running. (Rule 63!Tony)

Targeted Persuasion: @galwednesday

Jim opened Tony's most formal closet and started pulling out tuxedos. "Put one of these on.”

"Why?"

"We're getting married."

Tony froze. "No, we're not."

"Oh yes we are." Jim tossed three tuxedos onto the bed. Three was a good number of options, enough for Tony to make a choice, but not so many that he'd get lost analyzing the ramifications of navy pinstripes vs. charcoal paisley. Tony did best with clear, specific expectations rather than an unlimited universe of possibilities that he would inevitably filter through his neuroses and obsess over, and Jim was really kicking himself for not considering that, oh, ten years ago when they’d first started this, but there was no point in beating himself up about it now when he could put that energy towards solving the problem instead. "You brought this on yourself, Tones. Pick a damn tux."

Five thousand roses: @/forestgreen

She is broken and all the more dangerous for it. The world should tread carefully around the shards of her former self lest they cut themselves on Antonia Stark's sharp edges.

A Guide to Handling the Unhandleable Tony Stark:  @/nightrider101 (this is ab a/b/o verse)

Written for the following prompt on the Avengers Kink meme: The rest of the Avengers assume Tony is an unbound Omega by the way he acts. He's reckless and carefree and does what he wants. Imagine their surprise when they find out that Rhodey is Tony's Alpha. They're all confused at the way Rhodey lets Tony act and how they can be away from each other for long periods of time and Rhodey's just like 'He didn't want to give up his career and I didn't want to give up mine. And I gave up trying to tell Tony what to do years ago.'

It’s Not Bacon Until It Ceases To Be Bacon: @sobebold

Tony has lived with his best friend Rhodey for fifteen years, and everything is perfect.

Until Rhodey finally gets a boyfriend, and Tony's world gets turned upside down.

by any name: @machi-kun

Tony calls him ‘mine’, sometimes.

And he also calls him platypus, honeybear, sugarplum, all those stupid nicknames; but James’ favorite will always be ‘mine’.

Tutor Me: @wisiaden

Tony really wants James Rhodes to be his math tutor. The guy was hot, and if he had to play dumb, well, he can say he hates math.

run and hide: @/starksrhodey

Tony may or may not have a crush on football captain James Rhodes.

Or, Tony is extremely insecure, Pepper knows best, Steve likes to bake, Bucky loves red heads, and Rhodey keeps trying to talk to Tony.

This Is The Real Life: @blancheludis

It takes doing the laundry for Tony to realize he is completely, irrevocably in love with Rhodey. Who knew that the way to Tony Stark's heart is to teach him how to wash his clothes.

Anything For You Darling: @areiton

Tony is sitting on the balcony of his palace in Malibu, and Rhodey hates it, more than he's ever hated anything, watching his best friend stare at the water, limmed by the sun and utterly alone.

"She's dead," Tony says, before Rhodey can ask and he feels his breath catch, his heart stumble.

There's--

Grief. For pretty, troubled Maya with her big eyes.

Heartbreak. For a sweet infant who will never know the mother who gave him up, whose life will never be exposed, now.

Relief. Because Harley is safe. Safe. Gods, he's safe.

or

Rhodey helps Tony raise his son.

it goes like this (just like heroin): @quandongcrumble

He’s twenty-six and you’re twenty-eight and you get a midnight phone call from Obadiah and between the two of you, you manage to beg and bully until you can fly back to the States and sit beside the white hospital bed while they say words like heroin and accidental overdose and that Tony should pull through but Tiberius might not wake up.

It goes like this—for almost sixteen years Tony’s addiction problems are a blight on Rhodey’s relationship with him. Friendships crack and trust is shattered, over and over again.

motor oil and coconut oil: @/halfasgoodasanything

James loves his best friend. He's entirely supportive of his friendship and his almost relationship with Steve Rogers. He is! He is. Carol and Pepper seem to think otherwise, but he's cool. Loving Tony doesn't mean no one else can. Even if he wanted to.

lost and found: @starkslovemail 

“Are you lost?”

Tony jumped at the voice cutting into his thoughts. Turning around, he saw another teen, maybe a year or two older than him, decked out in Team USA gear. He shook his head, flashing what he hoped was a disarming smile, “Nope.”

“Are you sure about that?” The athlete raised a disbelieving brow as he stared down at Tony. “You’ve been walking up and down this hallway for the past ten minutes, and the least embarrassing reason why is being lost.”

The blunt honesty startled a laugh out of Tony. He grinned cheekily, rocking back on his heels, “Guess I’m lost then.”

--

Written for the RhodeyTony Mini-Bang! Art can be seen on twitter here!

two boy geniuses walk into one frat house: @starkslovemail (part of a series)

There were too many white people at this damn party.

The Other 'Mr Stark': Iron Man’s Mysterious Paramour:  @presidentrhodes 

Clint leans over to Tony and whispers. “For the record, I know you’re lying. You’re describing the perfect man and he doesn’t exist. You might as well say you’re dating Superman because at least Christopher Reeve was a looker.“(Based on this prompt: Tony keeps telling the avengers how awesome his husband is but they don't believe he exists because it has been months and they still haven't met him yet and then finally, Rhodey comes home.)

[callunavulgari]

Scrapbook 2021 | Part I

For anyone that’s new to this, this is how I keep track of all of the things I enjoy and/or create throughout the year. I have literally been doing this since I had a livejournal. I think the first one was 2011? Maybe? In which case, woohoo, ten years of scrapbooking!

It’s a nice little snippet of my life and helps to organize my brain.

A reminder:

Normal font - Indifferent/Neutral Italicized font - Enjoyed bold font - Loved with an asterisk* - All time favorite (bracketed titles) - Re-watches/Re-reads strikethough - Disliked

Goals are: read 80 books, finish five video games, write more than 20 fics or something larger than 20k, and write either an original short story or start a novel. 

Past Years

MOVIES

January

(Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring)

(Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers)

(Lord of the Rings: Return of the King)

Robin Hood

(Hook)

Wolfwalkers

February

(Age of Ultron)

From Up On Poppy Hill

(Tangled)

(Onward)

(The Mummy)

(Hercules)

(Promare)

March

Raya and the Last Dragon

(My Neighbor Totoro)

April

(Hunchback of Notre Dame)

(Tarzan)

(Beauty and the Beast)

Weathering With You

BOOKS

January

A Deadly Education | Naomi Novak [Fin]

Home Body | Rupi Kaur [Fin]

The Sunken Mall | K.D. Edwards [Fin]

Bloom | Kevin Panetta [Fin]

The Angel of Crows | Katherine Addison

All the Stars and Teeth | Adalyn Grace [Fin]

The Adventure Zone: Vol 1 | McElroys & Carey Pietsch [Fin]

I Hope You Stay | Courtney Peppernell [Fin]

Pillow Thoughts | Courtney Peppernell [Fin]

Piraneesi | Susanna Clarke [Fin]

The Ex Talk | Rachel Lynn Solomon [Fin]

February

The Adventure Zone: Vol 2 | McElroys & Carey Pietsch [Fin]

The Adventure Zone: Vol 3 | McElroys & Carey Pietsch [Fin]

The Angel of Crows | Katherine Addison

Alice Isn’t Dead | Joseph Fink

March

Winter’s Orbit | Everina Maxwell [Fin]

Fireheart Tiger | Aliette de Bodard [Fin]

Alice Isn’t Dead | Joseph Fink

Fire | Kristin Cashore [Fin]

Bitterblue | Kristin Cashore [Fin]

The Witch’s Heart | Genevieve Gornichec [Fin]

Winterkeep | Kristin Cashore

April

Alice Isn’t Dead | Joseph Fink [Fin]

Winterkeep | Kristin Cashore [Fin]

The Memory Theater | Karin Tidbeck [Fin]

These Violent Delights | Chloe Gong 

(Red White and Royal Blue | Casey Mcquiston) [Fin]

Rule of Wolves | Leigh Bardugo [Fin]

Alice Isn’t Dead | Joseph Fink [Fin]

Not the Girl You Marry | Andie Christopher [Fin]

The Echo Wife | Sarah Gailey [Fin]

The Midnight Library | Matt Haig

Catherine House | Elisabeth Thomas [Fin]

Séance Tea Party | Reimena Yee [Fin]

Lumberjanes vol 1 | Noelle Stevenson [Fin]

PODCASTS

January

The Unseen, Christmas and New Year Special

The Penumbra Podcast, Juno Steel arc, Heart of It All and What Lies Beyond

The Penumbra Podcast, Second Citadel, Strong Arm of Justice and The Priestess’ Fortune

I Am In Eskew, Episode 16

Welcome to Night Vale, Episode 67, 68, and 69

The Magnus Archives, Episode 190 and 191

February

The Magnus Archives, Episode 192-194

The Adventure Zone, Episodes 15-60

March

The Magnus Archives, Episode 194-200 [Fin]

The Adventure Zone, Episodes 60-TAZ BALANCE ENDING

MBMBAM, Episode 1

I Am In Eskew, Episode 17-22

April

I Am In Eskew, Episode 23-END

Alice Isn’t Dead, Episode 18-END

TV SHOWS BY SEASON

January

His Dark Materials, s2 [Fin]

Watcher Entertainment

Buzzfeed Worth It

(Black Sails, s1)

The Queen’s Gambit**

February

Cherry Magic

Wandavision, s1

Watcher Entertainment

The Owl House

(Little Witch Academia)

Star vs the Forces of Evil, s3, s4

Bridgerton

Buzzfeed Unsolved: True Crime

Heaven’s Official Blessing

March

Wandavision, s1 [Fin]

Watcher Entertainment, Puppet History & Watcher Weekly

Falcon and the Winter Soldier

Word of Honor

April

Word of Honor, s1

Watcher Entertainment, Puppet History

Falcon and the Winter Soldier, s1

Kim’s Convenience, s1, 2, 3, 4

Leverage, s4

Shadow and Bone, s1

The Great, s1

VIDEO GAMES

January

Hades, 37 hours [Fin]

Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, 35 hours

February

Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, 35 hours

Hades, 75+ hours? 

Animal Crossing: New Horizons, 16 hours

Persona 5 Royal

March

Animal Crossing: New Horizons, 45 hours

Persona 5 Royal, 141 hours

Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, 35 hours

Concrete Genie, 3 hours

April

Concrete Genie, 6 hours [Fin]

Animal Crossing: New Horizons, 65 hours

Persona 5 Royal, 160 hours

Monster Hunter Rise, 2 hours

Civ, 5 hours

DELIGHTFUL FIC

January

Modern Rustic by beethechange | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 22k | “I think,” he says, finally, “that if we looked around this place hard enough, we’d find a rose underneath a—a glass thing, what’s it called—losing petals. Metaphorically.”

easy livin' by sarcasticfishes | Buzzfeed Unsolved (Fallout AU) | Ryan/Shane | 6k | The Wasteland - and Ryan - through Shane's eyes.

(in nocte consiliam by oxymoronic | Bartimaeus | Bartimaeus/Nathaniel | 4k | London, 2003. Britain is on the brink of war, and someone is trying rather hard to kill John Mandrake.)

made of glass the way you see through me by uneventfulhouses | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 19k | Will it always be like this? Ryan wonders, watching Shane lope up the snowy walkway and pushing his way through the front door, humming some jolly old tune in that way Shane’s prone to do. Theatrical, performing for an audience even though Ryan is the only one around.

All Your Stars In View by alpha_exodus | Harry Potter | Draco/Harry | 18k | Life after the war is difficult for Harry, especially when the only thing that makes him feel better is, oddly enough, being around Malfoy. So when Malfoy asks to paint his portrait, Harry can't refuse, even if it means baring himself in more ways than one.

13 Genuinely Awful Things About Steven by thefourthvine | Buzzfeed Worth It | Steven/Andrew | 10k | Andrew’s learned to like cake, he’s learned to like oysters, and he’s learned to like Steven.

we’ll make a brand new start of it (in old new york) by misantlery | Buzzfeed Worth It | Steven/Andrew | 10k | “Just to be clear,” Andrew says. “You want me to pretend to be your boyfriend at a party to spite your high school bully and your high school girlfriend and possibly the entire state of Ohio?”

Russian Roulette Croquembouche by misantlery | Buzzfeed Worth It | Andrew/Steven | 9k | “Get that on your business card,” Andrew advises. “Steven Lim, video producer, world traveler, fancy dessert boy. Human cream puff.”

rose-colored boy by juniperProse | Buzzfeed Worth It | Steven/Andrew | 2k | Andrew’s eyes are pink.

Like Wildfire by makemadej | Watcher Entertainment | Shane/Ryan | 20k | “Is this gonna be a thing with you?” Ryan demands. “You can’t keep committing to stuff that no one else knows about! When people online say they want you to be more open and vulnerable, this is not what they mean.”

Scratching the Itch by bendingsignpost | Doctor Who | Rose/Ten | 20k | Her mum had always told her that blokes had only one thing on their minds, but this was taking it to an entirely new level.

lie back and let me unlock you by Lise | The Untamed | Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang | 7k | Xiao Xingchen, reluctantly, admits to certain fantasies that he has. His friend is happy to indulge him.

in our respective ways by Lise | The Untamed | Jiang Cheng & Lan Wangji | 6k | Jiang Cheng has his golden core back. But he seems to have lost Wei Wuxian.

By Proxy by Lise | The Untamed | Jiang Cheng/Lan Wangji | 12k | Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji, looking for comfort in all the wrong places.

some good mistakes by Lise | The Untamed | Jiang Cheng & Lan Wangji | 18k |  Or, the one where Wei Wuxian vanishes and Lan Wangji, reluctantly, asks for Jiang Cheng's help tracking him down.

efforts in a common cause by Lise | The Untamed | Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang/Song Lan | 12k | Everybody's walked out of Yi City alive. Now it's just three badly adjusted adults (and one badly adjusted teenager) trying to make things work - a project somewhat derailed by a night hunt that turns out to be something else.

swinger of birches by astronicht | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 23k | Lan Zhan is a little witch in the house on the hill, whispering out a love curse. Wei Ying is a witch undead, undone.

let me desecrate you by hkafterdark | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 6k | “Dangerous words.” Wei Wuxian drew back. The flickering candlelight gave him an otherworldly appearance; that, and his beauty, unchanged since the first time Lan Wangji had seen him. “You aren’t afraid to be at the mercy of the fearsome Yiling laozu?”

The Demon Affair by stereobone | Yu Yu Hakusho | Hiei/Kurama | 9k | Kurama accidentally seduces Hiei into a relationship.

i came to win (and i won) by paperclipbitch | The Queen’s Gambit | Beth/Benny | 3k | They play chess, and they fuck.The two things are not the same.

February

Sylvain Gautier Would Love To Try To Solve All Your Problems Through Sex (Hey It Might Help) by Fall Out Boy by harriet_vane | Fire Emblem: Three Houses | Sylvain/Felix | 22k | In which Sylvain wakes up on the wrong tour bus, and refuses to be their sex therapist (unless Felix asks nicely)

Turnabout and Start Again by runningondreams | The Untamed | Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji | 34k | WIP | Wei Wuxian lives. The siege fails.Thirteen years later, Lan Wangji wakes in a body that is not his own.

μήτηρ, in the Greek by antistar_e (kaikamahine) | Hades | Nyx & Persephone, canon relationships | 37k | At the end of this recounting, she tilted her head and asked politely, Is this not how you have children?Uh, no, said Persephone.

that voodoo that you do so well by veterization | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 18k |  Ryan buys a voodoo potion oil at Voodoo Authentica meant to attract Yummy Boys. Appropriately, things happen.

A Bridge Between by Runespoor | Spirited Away | Gen | 3k | Years later, Chihiro moves into a new apartment; her parents help.

the ghost king's bride by arahir | Tian Guan Ci Fu | Hua Cheng/Xie Lian | 10k | Ghosts won't stop giving Xie Lian flowers, Hua Cheng won't stop teasing, and Xie Lian is out here doing his best, man.

Side bitch out of your league by rohkeutta | Captain America | Steve/Bucky | 3k | “I tried to call Sam,” Captain America says, bewildered. He’s sprinting like Usain Bolt and doesn’t sound even a little out of breath. Fucker. “Who’re you?”

cause in your warmth (I forget how cold it can be) by madnessandbrilliance | Promare | Lio/Galo | 7k | Lio is always freezing. Galo is always warm. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the rest.

backdraft by broments | Promare | Lio/Galo | 32k | It happens in an instant, Galo gaping like an idiot while Lio presses forward to defend against the perceived threat, the weapon sparkling but not burning as it kisses Galo's throat.

your perfect crime (& how you laugh when you lie) by aroceu | The Untamed | Lan Zhan/Wei Wuxian | Death Note AU | 8k | The first time a convicted murderer dies of a heart attack in their jail cell, no one thinks anything of it.

Yosuke will now die for you! by DragonBandit | Persona 4 | Yosuke/Souji | 5k | ...This, causes problems.

dramamine by brawlite | The Untamed | Song Lan/Xue Yang | 7k | Song Lan is having a bad morning. Help comes from the last person he'd expect: Xue Yang.

Hearth and Home by lady_ragnell | Leverage | Alec/Eliot/Parker | 1k | When Eliot goes to a temple, or when he’s in one place long enough to build a shrine, he doesn’t do it for Ares. He does it for Hestia.

Where One Ends and the Other Begins by kalliopeia | Leverage | Alec/Parker/Eliot | 30k | Nobody’s particularly shocked when the job goes spectacularly sideways because their loot turns out to be magic. Parker and Eliot begin reading each other’s minds, accidental sharing happens, and shenanigans result.

Hungry Thirsty Roots by coolkidroland | Persona 5 | Akechi/Akira | 56k | In which Akira absolutely does not learn to leave well enough alone. **

Without Grasping Yet by Angelic_Ascent | Persona 5 | Akechi/Akira | 8k | Akechi and Akira end up far too cramped for comfort in the Morgana bus. And then they're left alone in Mementos.

Falling Up by KivaEmber | Persona 5 | Akechi/Akira | 2k | “If it helps…” Akira spoke up suddenly, his tone morbidly amused, “I forgive you, for shooting me in the face.”

March

Touch of Forbidden by tirsynni | LoZ | Ganondorf/Link | 2k |  Nabooru warned him not to travel to the Spirit Temple. So of course Link went to the Spirit Temple.

breaking the same old heart by tardigradeschool | The Adventure Zone | Magnus/Taako | 11k | Taako and Magnus in triptych: before, during, and after the Bureau.**

your head is good, it’s loyal, it’s clean by Anonymous | TAZ | Magnus/Taako | 4k | "Here, I do this all the time."Too quickly for him to react, Taako plucks away one of his golden rings and slips it onto the ring finger of Magnus' left hand.

bruising kisses, whispered confessions by tangerine_skye | TAZ | Magnus/Taako | 3k | The trio stop over at an inn for the night. Taako and Magnus share a bed.

i can see what's coming (but i'm not saying it) by pansywaist | TAZ | Magnus/Taako | 3k | His breath is still hot on Taako's lips, distracting enough he almost misses the strained whisper: “I thought I was gonna lose you.”

Emergency Consolation in the Pocket Spa by Anonymous | TAZ | Magnus/Taako | 3k | If Magnus wants to hug a wizard, Magnus gets to hug a wizard.

together for the long haul by kismetNemesis | TAZ | Magnus/Taako | 6k | Magnus and Taako were married on a bright spring day in the year after they saved the world.

thin skin, bruises, and a cold cup of tea by GayFrankensteinsMonster | TAZ | Magnus/Taako | 3k | Sleep is for the weak, and Magnus has no weaknesses, except for his own natural curiosity.

tender is the night by dollylux | TAZ | Magnus/Taako | 10k |  “It’s just…” He runs a hand through the thick bramble of his hair, gripping the crown of it to anchor himself. He sighs, slumping back against the footboard. “I guess I’m just not very good at one on one. Like, not… not in any way.”

a note is attached to the top of the vial by GayFrankensteinsMonster | TAZ | Kravitz/Taako, Magnus/Taako | 5k |  Elves have a lifespan of up to six hundred years. The people that you know don't even come close to that.

Pieces of Memory and Heart by ellemaris | Raya and the Last Dragon | Raya/Namaari | 1k | Raya isn't sure how to heal everything between Heart and Fang, but returning something important to Namaari seems like a start.

the gods laugh by miss_aphelion | The Untamed | Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji | 11k+ | WIP | Wei Wuxian is just getting used to being alive again when he's ripped from the world he knows. He wakes in a place where his sister and her husband live, where his brother doesn't hate him, where the Wen remnants have all survived.

In Your Room, In Your Bed by giraffeter | The Untamed | Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji/Jiang Cheng | 25k | After Wei Ying is disowned, Yu Ziyuan forbids Jiang Cheng from letting Wei Ying live with him. Jiang Cheng lets him stay anyway because Fuck That. He tells his parents Lan Zhan is his new roommate instead.

in the blossom season (in the pouring rain) by varnes | The Untamed | Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji | 14k |  “Doctor Flowers,” Lan Zhan repeats, pointing at the tiny plum tree, just to confirm that his son is suggesting a magical tree named Doctor Flowers sprouted overnight and made their tame family project turn into a verdant jungle.

34 years old - 5'8" - DL - no-BB by withpractice_ff | Ace Attorney | Edgeworth/Phoenix | 3k | Phoenix finds Edgeworth’s Grindr profile

spinning with the stars above by tardigradeschool | The Untamed | Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji | 7k | Wangji returns home to Vulcan for the first time since he left for Starfleet Academy, this time with Wei Ying at his side. He’s not expecting Wei Ying and his uncle to be fast friends, but things go poorly in a very different way than he was expecting.

every breath that comes before by tardigradeschool | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 10k | Or, what if that cup of wine Wei Wuxian drank for Lan Wangji after the Phoenix Mountain hunt wasn't just wine?

never love an anchor by tardigradeschool | Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji | 31k | A fisherman and a selkie fall in love beside the sea. Regretfully, things are never quite that simple.

Be Careful by giraffeter | The Untamed | Song Lan/Xue Yang | 5k |  Song Lan and Xue Yang try to survive a week in their shared apartment without Xiao Xingchen as a buffer.

  won't you let me know you now by tardigradeschool | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 12k | WIP | “Have you ever heard of a mind meld?” Wangji keeps his voice as level as possible, as if he is not revealing foremost Vulcan secrets.

April

running for a soft place to fall by tardigradeschool | The Untamed | Lan Xichen & Lan Wangji | 10k |  As he leaves for his coming of age test at age twelve, half-Vulcan Xichen has a goal in mind. The rules of the kahs-wan prohibit taking food, water, or weapons. In accordance, Xichen is bringing none of those things, but he does have a compass tucked into his pocket. He is going to find his father.

an act too often neglected by Ariaste | The Untamed | Lan Xichen/Meng Yao | 60k | The single faceless, anonymous photograph on the profile that catches his eye is shot in elegant black-and-white, and there’s something about the crispness of the focus and the markedly off-center composition that says art, for once, rather than mugshot.The caption below is equally sparse: “5’6. Demanding.”

where you go, I'm going (so jump and I'm jumping) by Aria | The Magnus Archives | Martin/Jonathan | 6k | "I don't think so," Alex said. She looked at Martin. "Is this really how it went?"

Morning, keep the streets empty for me by feyburner | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 6k | Ghosts were drawn to the ring roads.

2am on a saturday by detectorist | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 11k | In which Lan Zhan gets high, slides into Wei Ying's DMs, and somehow ends up having the harmonica played to him at 2am in the morning.

Grief Kindly Stopped by ShanaStoryteller | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 5k | Nothing leaves the Burial Mounds alive.

superhero love triangle by Asuka Kureru (Askerian) | Bleach?! | Grimmjow/Ichigo | WIP | 17k | You know those classical superhero-genre love triangles that actually only contain two people? Yeah.

Boat Basin by downjune | The Falcon and the Winter Soldier | 5k |  He thought the 21st century now maybe suffered from an overabundance of classifications for all the different ways to fuck and/or romance a person, but the most important thing—and his therapist had emphasized this—the most important thing was connection.

my touch magnifies by isozyme | Word of Honor | Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishu/Ye Baiyi | 7k | Wen Kexing gets hit with fuck-or-die sex pollen on the way to Longyuan cabinet. Everything would be fine, except Zhou Zishu’s been keeping an unfortunate secret: the nails in his chest mean he can’t get hard anymore.

DELIGHTFUL FANVIDS

January

2020 || Multifandom Mashup

Hades - Official Animated Trailer

Hades Mini-PMV: This Year

2020, I guess

MARVEL || Energy (ft. Easy McCoy + Black Hydra)

obi-wan || give it

2020 ll Multifandom Mashup

Multifandom | Goodbye 2020

Multifandom | Goodbye 2018

2018 Multifandom | MASHUP

His Dark Materials - No Sanctuary

Lyra & Mrs. Coulter | Hurricane

► mrs. coulter || way down we go [hdm]

Wonder Woman || BORN READY 

Vikings | The End of the Journey

February

MARVEL || Ready Set (ft. Vo Williams)

MARVEL || Here We Go (ft. Chris Classic)

MARVEL || Is You Ready || The Falcon and the Winter Soldier

Never forget || Hualian - Hua Cheng x Xie Lian AMV 

【魔道祖师 / MDZS】Animatic - The First Siege | Safe & Sound

The Jedi Way | THE MANDALORIAN

Multifandom || Going Bad (feat. Drake)

March

Broccolli Casserole--The Untamed

Hey Brother - The Adventure Zone Animatic/PMV

The Adventure Zone: Balance trailer

The Adventure Zone: Balance Arc Trailer (Animatic)

13 Year Olds (A MDZS Animatic by Arcxus)

Multifandom || Die In This Town

DNA | shadow & bone

(Marvel) Wanda Maximoff | Grief

Defying Gravity | MDZS/CQL Animatic

It’s Quiet Uptown | MDZS Animatic

To The Stars

(Marvel) WandaVision || Awaken

Walt Disney Animation Studios | A Magical Journey

We don't have forever.

stop living a fake life.

► Wanda Maximoff | PAINT IT BLACK (+15k)

Multifandom || Take It (c/w Quang Truong) ft. @SEIGE WORLD​

Kylo Ren | STAR WARS

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

April

MARVEL || Natural ft.ImagineDragons

​ xue yang & xiao xingchen ➤ gasoline

WEN KEXING || GASOLINE

Wen Kexing ✘ Zhou Zishu || Dandelions

Play With Fire - Wen Kexing

TOXIC ~ Wen Kexing ~ word of honor ~ 山河令

(Marvel) Bucky Barnes | Free

Bucky Barnes | Feeling Good

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier || Next Level ft. @7kingZ​ || (Marvel)

Eternity looking down on us.

The complexity of reality.

Captain America

✗ The Crows | Trouble (Shadow&Bone)

Shadow & Bone | Paint It Black

The secret fate of all life.

DELIGHTFUL MUSIC

January

A Better Version - Jessie Shelton

Start a War - Klergy, Valerie Broussard

Meet Me in the Dark - Melissa Etheridge

ily - Surf Mesa, Emilee

Space Man - Eurielle

To Be Loved - Aurora

In the Blood - Darren Korb

Can’t Help Falling in Love - Tommee Profitt

Astronomical - SVRCINA

Oh Comely - Neutral Milk Hotel

In This Shirt - The Irrepressibles

goblincore + cottagecore

moonlit love letters 🌙💌 (sailor moon-inspired lofi mix)

Moonlight Densetsu Lo-Fi Remix 1 hour version

Peaceful Meditation

February

Never Forget You - Zara Larsson

Is You Ready - Migros

Recomposed Four Seasons - Max Richter

The End - JPOLND

Love Yourself - Sufjan Stevens

Deja | Daniel Roure

Used To Like | Neon Trees

Material Boy - Sir Sly

Willow - Taylor Swift

Overture - Apashe

Evangeline - Josh Garrels

Gris, pt 1 - Berlinist

Inferno - Hiroyuki Sawano

March

BAMBAM - Angie

Dictator - Rei Ami

Demons - Hayley Kiyoko

Runaway - Rei Ami

Deep Blue - Marcus Warner

Brave New World - Kalandra

Nero - The Speed

The Path of Silence - Anne Sophie Versnaeyen

Tuleloits - Kerli

Soft to Be Strong - Marina

Relic - Reeder

Ascension - Gorillaz

Will You Follow Me Into the Dark - Klergy

Voidfish (Plural) - Rachel Mitchell

Raya and the Last Dragon soundtrack

Unicorn Wizard - Ninja Sex Party

Me Too - Meghan Trainor

Umbrella - Rihanna

Colors Flying High - Lollia

Wake Up, Get Up, Get Out There - Lyn

lovely - khalid

Burn My Dread - Lotus Juice

Progress - The Dear Hunter

My Mother Told Me - Rachel Hardy

Savage Daughter - Sarah Ross

Four - Sleeping At Last

April

The Other Side - Amarante

Predator & Prey - Griffin Puatu

As the World Caves In -Matt Maltese

Tell Her I Wasn’t Scared - Dan Thiessen

Esmeralda - Adriel Genet

Woods - AfterInfinity

So Human of You - Shireen

Flags of Rome - Jesper Kyd

Do It All the Time - I don’t Know How But They Found Me

Hummingbirds - Venus Hum

On and On - Curtis Harding

Grand Escape - RADWIMPS

my ex’s best friend - machine gun kelly

Sofia - Clairo 

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Charlotte Lawrence

Next Level - 7KingZ

Tell Me - Johnny Jewel

Get Out of Town - Firefles

Music for Anglo Saxes

I See Darkness In You - Red Mecca

Satan Is His Name - Holly Golightly

Rocky Trail - Kings of Convenience

Story - NF

Because the Night - 10,000 Maniacs

Use to Be (L.O.V.E.) - Chelsea Collins

Bird on a Wire - Simone Istwa

Huzzah - Nathan Barr

POSTED FIC

January

gonna make you feel, boy | Hades | Megaera/Thanatos/Zagreus | 1,101 words | “You can touch, you know,” she murmurs, satisfaction and anticipation warring within her. Her pulse pounds. Zagreus’s eyes have darkened, his pupils eating up all that color. He looks good enough to eat.

February

how long do we have? | She Ra | Adora/Catra | 1,539 words | “The war is over, Adora,” Catra tells her. Adora hums. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

March

only fools rush in | The Adventure Zone | Taako/Magnus | 5,209 words | “Okay,” Taako says, sitting down heavily. “So. Ancient ritual to… bring people together?”

til my lungs both billow out | The Magnus Archives | Jon/Martin | 748 words | The knife goes in. The tape runs out.

the echo, as wide as the equator | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 2,927 words |  “Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying whispers after it is done.

April

N/A

WIPS | UNPUBLISHED | ORIGINAL

January

1685 words of Buzzfeed Unsolved, tattoo AU

February

N/A

March

3121 words of Magnus/Taako, Stolen Century verse Posted!

April

852 words of Steve/Billy

FANMIXES/GRAPHICS

January

got the morbs: sad/somber songs for sad/somber people

2021: a mix for the year that comes after 2020

Sahara Baby: a mix for songs that sound like Spanish Sahara

Fire Baby: a mix for songs that sound like Play With Fire

Consequences Baby: a mix for songs that sound like Consequences

Paradise Baby: a mix for songs that sound like Paradise Valley

Real Boy: a Zagreus playlist

February

N/A

March

only fools rush in: a taako/magnus playlist

pomegranate seeds: a persephone playlist

make them bow: a megaera playlist

fuck feelings: a taako playlist

til my lungs both billow out: a jonmartin playlist

April

i am my mother’s savage daughter: a playlist for the girl

[mashitandsmashit]

America’s Got Talent: Season 15 - Auditions 2

11: Thomas Day. Is it okay to mock his hair, or is the Ace-Ventura-in-that-scene-where-he-was-wearing-a-tutu look just in these days? Alrighty then, let's get to the talent...He was good...And that's about it...I generally agree with Howie that his nerves somewhat got in the way of an otherwise charismatic presence, but I suppose he was JUST likable enough that I'd give him a pass...Though this does tell me that he's probably already been advanced to the live shows, because why else would they show an otherwise unremarkable audition in full...?

10: Kelvin Dukes. It's like if Steve Urkel WASN'T irritating and was actually kinda likable! Personality aside, his singing was also...good...Nothing mindblowing...So that's two of three singers at the bottom of my list...I assure you, the other one is much higher!

9: Simon y Maria. Cute and likable, which is always the magic formula for child dance duos. They're very talented for their age, though they better pray they never get pitted against that Indian duo from last week...

8: Frenchie Babyy. I'm usually fine when watching people contort in all these nasty ways, but this time I actually did get a slight bit queasy...Not sure how he stacks up against Strauss Serpent, but I do see potential...He just has a way to go before my enjoyment of him overshadows how much I cringe at him looking like his arm's about to come loose...

7: Divas and Drummers of Compton. STRAIGHT OUTTA...Yeah...This made for a very fun opener to the show, and everything from the precision to the choreography came together excellently! Obviously that three-year-old (looking scared out of his mind of the giant audience) is just there to add a little extra cute factor...Otherwise, they were clearly keeping him off the stage for both said stage fright and to avoid him getting kicked like a football into the field they usually cheer on...Anyway, I see a lot of promise with these kids!

6: Florian Sainvet. This is where the list gets a little tricky, because I greatly enjoyed everyone from this point on...But I guess this human disc burner gets the lowest spot, because I can very much see him...well...burning out...If he can prove me wrong, great! Until then, this was very slick and a lot of fun to watch! I guess the only issue is watching him drop those CDs all over the place...Those things aren't cheap, you know! That said, Howie looked unimpressed, and they didn't show him giving his opinion and whether he said yes or no...Chances are, the Shin Lim Effect came into play here, though in my opinion, this was far enough removed from the usual card tricks that I see Shin as a non-factor...

5: Jennifer and Daiquiri. I'm also quite surprised that there hasn't been a magic dog act before...(I have once pictured a DANGER dog act, though that would probably bring the ASPCA knocking faster than you can say “Woof!”) But this was a fun twist on the usual pet trick formula! And the most baffling trick of all was getting that big dog to fit through that little hoop! I'm all for this act! I legitimately hope they do well!

4: Usama Siddique. Finally, a comedian that isn't a middle-aged woman or has a disability! This is another case where I wish he went longer, but I almost come to expect that by now...Though since Heidi actually called it out this time, maybe that will change real soon...

3: Bonavega. Move over, Hans! There's another flamboyant superstar in town! I won't lie, I was expecting a disaster as well, but aside from being energetic and fun, the dude was actually a pretty decent vocalist...Granted, I didn't hear what he was saying a lot of the time, but I guess it's hard to hear him over all the noise he's making as well as the cheering he got...Oh yeah, and he's not half bad at guitar either! Last year I thought that the drag queen with the beard would be Hans 2.0, but this time I would say Bonavega HAS to be the successor...He has everything Hans had, and more!

2: Roberta Battaglia. When this girl came in with still over half an hour to go, I knew one of two revolutionary things would be happening with the Golden Buzzer...Either the act that I predicted would get it just from looking at the promos would NOT get it, and it would instead go to something different from usual, or they finally refrained from putting the GB at the very end of the show...I was mostly hoping for the former, but the latter makes perfect sense! Why would you want to make it a formula to put the awaited reveal at the end of every show, when that could lead to many of your viewers just tuning in at the very end? What's more, Sofia's selection is very much justified! Not only could this girl sing about as well as Lady Gaga could, but she emulated all of the inflections and tones from the song perfectly! She SOUNDS like Lady Gaga, and I could see her doing a good Miley Cyrus as well! (Say what you will about her music, but that chick can sing!) So far she's the most likely candidate to win this season, though I have my doubts because she doesn't quite have any of the unique draws that helped every other winner stand out...That said, I believe I've heard that she has a lot of fans (from another Got Talent she competed in or something), and we're yet to see how big her video's gonna be or how much media attention she gets...We'll just wait and see if another act comes along that fits the mold better...Though if nothing else, I can totally see her as the runner-up!

1: Bello Sisters. When I read their names on the Wiki before watching this show, I was thinking that Bello Nock's daughter was back with two sisters I didn't know about before...But I guess what we got instead wasn't too far off...Anyway, this had everything you could ask for from an act like this! Already they're putting the Messoudi Brothers to shame (at least when comparing auditions)! And I guess it's only fair, as after said distaff counterpart gave some eye-candy to the ladies, now the dudes get to watch three hot sisters put their hands and feet all over each other! The formations were mesmerizing, and I really hope this act goes at least as far as Messoudi did! Though it is worth noting that there are far more female viewers of this show than the male ones...Just keep them from competing the same night as say, Thomas Day, and we'll be peachy...

This was another overall solid episode! Sure, a few of them weren't anything amazing, but the fact that I consider more than half of the passing acts tonight slam dunks is a good sign! I'm still hoping that MAYBE they can find a Golden Buzzer that doesn't sing, but as long as they're great like tonight's choice, I don't mind too much...

Let's see if that lady they've been hyping up in all the promos gets it next week...

[mrvelesbian]

Ineffable

(Maria Hill x Natasha Romanoff x Reader)

Trigger warnings: mentions of suicide (not graphic and they’re also marked in the story), grief(?), people being very sad, death 

Authors Note: This is my first time writing for any marvel character so I apologize if they’re ooc! This fic does deal with some heavy topics but I tried to keep it manageable? Feedback is always appreciated❤

word count: 4.601

in·ef·fa·ble

/inˈefəb(ə)l/

adjective

too great to be expressed or described in words.

You remember the day of the snap. You were rushing around your offices in DC frantically trying to get in touch with other diplomats to do anything- absolutely anything- to curb the chaos erupting across the globe.

"Richards!" You yelled, waving the stout man into your office. Richards was by far your favorite intern in the office, and the most competent. "I need the delegation from France on the phone as soon as humanly possible they're the last European country we need to talk to." Your colleague furiously scribbled on his notepad and nodded.

"What do you want me to relay to-" he began to ask.

"Finish your damn sentence Richards I'm on a tight schedule here" you said, exasperation obvious in your tone. When he didn't reply you peered up to see what had interrupted him.

Whatever you expected to see, nothing would have prepared you for the reality of what you saw. Richards face was beginning to crumble away like dust. The right side of his face was gone and his left eye was moving frantically as he shook his disintegrating hands like he was trying to get a bug off.

"Jesus Christ!" You exclaimed. You rushed over to him from behind your desk only to turn your attention to screams from outside your door. In the second you tore your eyes away from Richards he had completely disintegrated. Only a his notebook and pen remained. You threw the door open with the intention of getting help.

The hallway was in disarray, miscellaneous items strewn across the floor and people crying loudly. Not finding anyone in their right mind to help you, you moved towards the end of the hallway. You pushed your way through the crowd gathered around the small television and to your horror you saw two reporters scrambling to hold up a third who was dissolving just as Richards had minutes ago.

Suddenly you realized what was happening. "Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck" you rushed towards the stairs, pulling out your cellphone at the same time.

The snap.

It was a hypothetical situation brought up to you by Tony Stark in a debriefing with him a few weeks ago. An apocalyptic scenario. The worst possible outcome of whatever showdown was happening between Thanos and the avengers right now.

"Come on come on come on Maria pick up please" you pleaded to nobody. Your girlfriend's phone rang once, twice, three times before it went to voice mail. It's okay. Don't jump to conclusions. You told yourself. Instead of breaking down like you wanted to, you ran down into the main lobby and went out to the front of the building.

"Take me to the avengers headquarters" you barked at the driver in the car parked at the doors. "Ma'am that area is off lim-" he tried to reason with you. You knew you were being a bit of an asshole but you couldn't bring yourself to care. "I don't give a damn sir. You will take me there now or I swear to god-" you didn't get to finish the sentence before an agent came up behind you and put their hand on your shoulder. You shook his hand off and whipped around, a scowl already painted on your face.

"Excuse me miss? I've been sent by Ms.Carter, you're needed at headquarters immediately"

The ride to the avengers headquarters was a blur. The agents had tried to make small talk with you at first but the pitying look in their eyes told you everything you needed to know. She was gone. Maria Hill was dead.

I didn't even get to say goodbye.

°°°

Later that day Natasha and the rest of the avengers along with a few Wakandans stumbled into the conference room occupied by yourself, Sharon Carter, and two other agents you didn't bother to remember the names of. The second she was in the door she rushed over to embrace you. Her hair was caked with blood and she smelled of dirt but you clung onto her all the same. A sob broke from your chest, the first since you had found out the news.

"Oh baby it's okay I'm okay I'm safe we're gonna be okay" Natasha tried to reassure you. You shook your head into her chest, unable to articulate what you wanted to say. She put her hand under your chin and lifted your head so she could meet your eyes. Finally the words fell from your lips. "Maria Hill is dead."

Natasha stopped cold. Any hint of a smile disappeared from her face and her hands dropped to her sides. A chill had set over the entire room.

°°°

Nothing was ever the same. Sure you and Natasha still came home to the same apartment every night, still cooked in the same kitchen, still sat on the same couch, still fell into the same bed, but nothing was the same.

You had forgotten how to cook for two people. An extra serving of dinner always sat in the bottom of pan, mocking you and making you lose all appetite. Maria's keys sat in the same spot that they always had, her favorite jacket hung on the coat rack. Her bright orange toothbrush sat on the counter gathering dust.

You and Natasha clung together at night as if you were trying to keep each other from falling apart. Some nights the two of you just cried until all the water was gone from your bodies. Everything in your life seemed to be cracking at the seams, because how the hell could it not when only half of your heart was home.

Things at the avengers headquarters were hectic as they always had been, except this time the responsibility of keeping the universe afloat fell onto Natasha. Tony had immediately retreated upstate, Steve was across the country raising morale as best as he could, Clint was an international criminal, and Bruce refused to step foot in the facility. Every night Natasha came home with a folder bursting with paperwork to add to her stack on the dining table.

At your job things weren't much better. The secretary of state along with half of your department was gone and with the current state of affairs you needed every person available. The international community was in shambles, England had to elect a new PM, several oil crisises had begun in the middle east and in Asia the lack of labor forces had caused economies to plummet. Begrudgingly, you had accepted more influence in the government and by now you were unofficially running the state department.

Somehow you and Natasha had managed to find the time to establish an orphanage in the city for kids effected by the snap. The organization was a sliver of humanity in the consuming depression the world was in. The kids there made you feel like maybe things would turn out okay somehow.

You had named it the Hill house after her. Natasha had chuckled when you suggested it, obviously understanding the historical irony. "Maria would've been so embarrassed to have something named after her, she was too humble for her own good." She smiled briefly at the thought of the brunettes inevitable bashfulness.

°°°

Years had passed and things hadn't gotten any easier. You and Natasha had made it through, both for each other and for Maria's sake. Every fight between the two of you had ended with tears and apologies and thoughts of how angry Maria would be if you two drove the other away.

You'd officially been named secretary of state despite your numerous protests. The government had attempted to name Nat head of the avengers initiative, but she had immediately refused the title of director. "That's fury's job he'll be so pissed when he comes back and I'm in it" she said. Nobody refuted her assumption that there was even a way to bring Fury, to bring anyone, back.

As the days passed you and Natasha worked, came home, and slept. Things had fallen into a sort of sick routine.

Then Scott Lang showed up outside the avengers complex and everything changed. Suddenly Natasha was talking about time travel and something called the "quantum realm." She had tried to explain, the infinity stones were dust in our time line so they had to go into others to retrieve them. But in all honestly the theories seemed absurd at best to you.

You had gotten into an argument with her about it. How were you supposed to let her leave you as well? When there was a more than real possibility she wouldn't come back.

Vormir. Thats where her mission was. It was supposed to take something like a second in your time until she was back. She promised she'd be back. She'd held your face in her hands and vowed not to leave you all alone in the world.

But promises cant always be kept.

"Where's Nat?" Was the only thing that came out of your mouth when the avengers reappeared. You counted them quickly, hoping you'd just missed her. When she still wasn't there, you looked to Clint. "Where is she?"

Clint stared back at you with sad eyes. He looked like a man who had seen too much, experienced too much to ever live normally again.

"One of us had to die and she-" the rest of Clint's words turned to white noise. Dead. One of them had to die. Natasha had to die.

The world became a blur. Everything was too suffocating and nothing at the same time. You must have been screaming but you couldn't hear a sound. You felt strong arms wrap around you seconds later and hold you tight even as you thrashed about. You felt sorry for whoever was hugging you because you were sure you'd punched them in the chest more than once.

Natasha Romanoff is dead.

°°°

Coping is not the correct word for how you lived. You did not cope. How could you have? First you had lost Maria, nearly five years ago, without a goodbye. Now you'd lost Nat.

They were the things that brought light into your life. Maria's terrible dad jokes and Natasha's loud laugh rung in your ears when you laid in bed at night. If you concentrated hard enough you could nearly remember how it felt to be sandwiched between the two of them. Maria's arm around your waist and Natasha's head in the crook of your neck. Or your legs wrapped around Maria's waist and Natasha's hands running along your back. You could almost smell their perfumes when you walked in the bathroom. But everything was just out of reach. Your memories haunted you more than any ghost could have.

They were dead. Natasha Romanoff was dead. Maria Hill was dead.

You barely ate, you barely slept, your house looked unlived in because you spent as long as possible in the office every day. It was only when your interns shoved you into a company car at 2 am that you finally went home.

The woman who you saw in the mirror looked nothing like yourself. She had your nose and your lips but her eyes were dead and her cheeks were hollow.

Steve tried to come around and get you to talk, as did Tony and Pepper but nobody made any progress. Even Sharon, your best friend, couldn't break through to you. She got further than everyone else by getting you to eat, but getting you to talk was impossible.

°°°

"Get some fucking sleep for the love of god" Sharon sighed as she pushed you into the apartment at 2 am yet again. You mumbled a weak "okay" and closed the door. The picture hanging in the hallway mocked you. It was of you, Maria and Natasha on the couch. You were spread across both of their laps and Natasha's head was laying on Maria's shoulder, all of you asleep. You remembered Natasha punching Tony in the arm when she found out he took it, but she had hung it up all the same.

Without shedding so much as your belt you walked into your room fell onto your king size bed. The room was absolutely silent. You hated it.

"If we're all going to be sleeping in one bed there's no way in hell it's gonna be a queen" Maria insisted, pointing at the mattress next to her. "Natasha spreads out so much she could probably take up a queen by herself." Natasha shoved Maria's shoulder at her comment but the large grin threatened to break onto her face gave her true emotions away.

You curled up in the middle of the mattress, refusing to push into what would be Maria's spot on the right of you, or Nat's on your left. The bed felt suffocatingly large now.

When you awoke from your third nightmare that night nobody was there to hold you to their chest. You bolted from the bed into the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. Tears sprung up in your eyes and you collapsed on the floor, utterly defeated.

"Wake up honey come on everything is okay you're safe don't worry" Natasha's smooth voice washed over you as you were pulled out of your sleep. You were drenched in sweat and your heart was beating a mile a minute. "I was in Baghdad again" you mumbled out. Maria hummed understandingly and rubbed your back. "Nobody is going to hurt you again baby not while we're here"

You no longer dreamt of bombings at embassies and guns pointed in your face. Instead you saw Richards drift away before your eyes. Heard Maria's voice calling out to you desperately. Felt Natasha's hand slip from yours as she fell off the cliff.

You couldn't take it anymore. You were exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally. You didn't want to do anything, you didn't want to talk to anyone, you didn't want to be alive anymore.

°°°

TRIGGER WARNING**

The wind whipped through your hair as you stared down the side of the 27 story building. Cars looked like little toys from this height and it was almost humorous to hear the honks and yells from tiny cab drivers. You faced upwards for a moment, letting the morning sun soak into your skin.

"What the hell are you doing up there?" Sharon Carter threw open the door to the roof entrance. How did she get up here? How did she even find you.

"Do not do this. Please don't." She repeated, trying to keep her voice steady.

Something inside you snapped at her words.

"Don't even try to talk me down Sharon. Don't say people need me. I know that people need me Sharon I know that. I know that practically the entire state department is riding on my shoulders. I know that there are 150 million people left in the US who are looking for something, anything to show them that its gonna be okay but Sharon, and I know this is selfish, but what about me! Sharon what about me. I am so tired, so fucking tired of being selfless. Maria is gone. Natasha is gone. And I know there's something worth living for I know that you love me and Tony loves me and Pepper but god fucking damn it Sharon it's not enough." Your voice cracked several times through your tears.

"I hate myself because I don't care that half the world is dead, I care that they're dead. I watched people fall apart right in front of me why the hell didn't I go with them" you let all the rage, the sadness, the despair in your body explode through your chest.

You could see Sharon's eyes threatening to let the tears in them spill over onto her cheeks. It was obvious she felt utterly helpless in this situation.

"What if she comes back and you're not here." Sharon said, just loud enough for you to hear her.

"Don't. Say that" you tried to breathe somewhat regularly.

"There's a chance. Even if it's the smallest one, this would take away your chance of seeing them again."

Images flashed through your mind of Maria and Natasha huddled together in your bed, trying not to say anything about the hole in the middle of them; Maria and Nat placing white and blue flowers on your grave; Maria and Nat rushing into your apartment to greet you only to see Sharon, ready to deliver the worst news they could receive. Even if there was a .0001% chance they would come back you couldn't force them to grieve for you as well.

An even louder sob spilled from your lips. You screamed out into the sky like you were being torn apart, but when Sharon pulled on your waist you let yourself fall back into her arms and cling onto her neck. You could feel her body shaking with sobs as well. She slowly sat down in the middle of the roof, rocking you back and forth.

"Sharon" you mumbled into her jacket.

"Sharon it hurts" you cried. "It hurts so bad" Sharon only nodded and pressed her lips to your head, your hair muffling her sobs.

"I know"

°°°

The final battle was worse than you could have ever imagined. Footage from the city showed the destruction that leveled large portions of the harbor and financial district. Blood was splattered on the concrete, painting it red and bodies littered the streets. Thankfully you had heeded Steve's warning and ordered an emergency evacuation nearly a week ago.

You watched nervously as the battle raged on, seeing some of your closest friends fall to their knees.

Then the first portal opened.

The battlefield was suddenly bathed in yellow light and a figure walked out. Slowly you recognized them: the Wakandan king and his sister. More appeared. Scarlet witch, Quill, Mantis, Steven Strange, Peter, and Valkyrie all appeared seemingly out of nowhere.

The snap was being reversed.

"Giles!" You barked at the intern sitting next to you. "You are to monitor this screen and nothing else until the battle ends. I want updates every 10 minutes and a call if anything significant happens. Now I must go"

You rushed down the stairs and into the parking lot. A quick call was made and within minutes you were in a helicopter headed to New York.

°°°

As soon as you landed on the Avengers' building's helipad you were scrambling to get off and into the head quarters. You sprinted down the stairs to the 17th floor labeled 'special forces and directors office.' It seemed the most likely place that Maria would be. If she was alive.

You pushed open the double doors to the main hallway and there she was, exactly how she'd been 5 years ago. "Maria!" You yelled, flinging yourself on her the second she turned around. You sobbed into her shoulder and gripped her coat like a life line.

"Maria I can't believe you're here. You're really here right? This isn't some sick joke?"

"It's really me" Maria smiled. "You look like shit what happened" she brushed a piece of your hair behind your ear. "Maria I- you left me" you said between tears. "What?" She whispered.

"You've been gone for five years Maria"

°°°

The battle was over. Tony was dead. He died a hero, the man he always had been deep down. Your heart broke for Pepper, who had lost the love of her life, and for Morgan who would grow up without him.

The first thing Maria asked when the avengers began to gather back at shield was where Natasha was. You nearly started crying again. "Oh Maria.... I" you couldn't bare to say it. "I am so sorry I am so so sorry she-"

Steve finished your sentence for you, his voice colder than you’d ever heard it, "Natasha is dead."

°°°

Maria grieved almost exactly as Natasha had. She threw herself into work, focusing most of her time on catching up on the 5 years she missed. She moved back into your apartment, a place you hadn't slept in in almost 2 months. Ever since your incident Sharon had essentially held you hostage in her house, only letting you leave by yourself for work.

The universe really was fucked up. You thought to yourself. The thing you'd been wishing for since the snap had come true. Maria Hill was home, the other half of your heart. Her muscular arms wrapped around you at night and her brunette hair tickled your nose when you hugged her. But Natasha left to make sure Maria could return. Your heart was still broken. Still incomplete.

Now it was Maria that needed to be held together. You knew how to hold her carefully so she wouldn't break because by now you were somewhat of an expert on grieving the deaths of your lovers.

That doesn't mean it didn't hurt like hell to see Natasha's leather jacket sit unused on her hook. To see her red toothbrush on the corner of the counter. To feel her side of the bed cold and empty. But somehow you were going to have to live with that.

°°°

It was a Monday morning when Maria got the call.

"Hill speaking" she said in her stern tone. "Hi Bruce." She spoke curtly, but with a warmer tone at the man's voice.

"Why do I need to get down there on a Monday morning, my day off my I remind you" Maria sounded slightly annoyed at whatever the doctor had suggested.

"I-" she sat up suddenly. "I'll be right there. Yes I'm bringing her. Okay goodbye" Maria hung up and swung her legs out of the bed.

"We need to go to Avengers headquarters now. There's something going on with the mission" Maria said as she tugged on a pair of jeans and a tshirt.

°°°

You sat anxiously next to Maria at the edge of the forest. Steve was due to come back 2 minutes ago but apparently an unannounced change had been made in the plans.

"Someone's coming through Scott throw the breaker quickly!" Bruce shouted.

A loud buzzing filled the clearing before a small figure appeared on the platform before them. But it was not Steve. No this person was much shorter, and her long red hair faded into blonde-

"Natasha?" You said, incredulously. The redhead turned around. She immediately sprinted towards the two of you and pulled you both into a tight embrace. "I thought I'd never see you again" she mumbled into your shoulder. "Either of you."

°°°

All three spots in the king bed were full again. No toothbrushes were left on the counter, no jackets hung limply on hooks. The house had life breathed into it again, but something was off.

Of course it would take time to heal from the trauma you went through. It was not easy by any means. You wanted to be happy and back to normal the second your home was alive again but a terrible voice in the back of your head reminded you that they could leave again. You could end up alone again.

You had nightmares nearly every night. Images of your girlfriends dead or dying plagued your unconscious mind. Maria and Natasha held you close and comforted you after every single one; They let you cry silently into their chests, not saying a word about your dreams, but silently they worried about you.

°°°

"Hey Maria?" Sharon stuck her head in the assistant director's office "can I talk to you?" Maria nodded and gestured towards the chair across from her. It was clear that Sharon was nervous by the way that she picked at the leather chair's arm.

"Listen Maria.... I don't know how to say this but when you and Nat were gone some things happened with y/n" Maria's brow immediately furrowed. You hadn't mentioned anything happening in the few months you were alone. "What kinds of things?" She questioned further.

"I'm not at liberty to say, especially not without y/n's permission....you have to ask her yourself." Sharon let out a deep breath. "But please tread carefully, she might seem okay but you and Natasha know just as well as I do that she's not." Sharon pulled herself up from her chair and patted Maria's hand before leaving the office.

°°°

TRIGGER WARNING**

"Y/n? Are you home yet?" Maria called into the apartment. "Yep I'm in the living room!" You replied.

"Hey babe" you smiled at Maria when she walked in. Natasha smiled from her spot next to you where she was sitting, a book in hand.

"Can I ask you something? About when Nat and I were gone." Maria made her way to the spot on your other side and sat down.

"Oh..." You stiffened. Shit. "Yeah of course" Natasha set her book down and turned to look at you as well.

"Sharon mentioned today that something happened in the few months that you were alone... What was it?" Maria continued.

You drew a shaky breath. It was better to just tell them than to lie. "FRIDAY can you pull up my medical records please?" You asked the robot. "Of course miss" they replied, opening the files on your tablet.

"You remember how I told you tony had installed FRIDAY in here when I was alone to check on me?" Your girlfriends nodded. "There's more to the story than just that" you whispered.

You set the tablet down on the table. "He was worried about me after I....." You gestured at the tablet.

Natasha and Maria both leaned closer to read the information on the device. "Checked into GWU hospital on April 3rd for...suicide watch?" Natasha turned to you, clearly shocked.

You hung your head in shame. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry." A tear fell from your eyes. "After you both left... I didn't cope. I fell into a hole and I didn't want to get out. I was so depressed and alone." You drew in a shaky breath. "I know it's stupid and I'm not proud to admit it but-"

Natasha pulled you into her chest. "I love you so much and I am so sorry you had to go through that. All of that"

Maria stared dumbly at the tablet. Tears were beginning to pool in her blue eyes. You turned to look at her "Maria I-"

She cut you off with a kiss. Her hands came up to stroke your cheek. "You are so strong. So unbelievably strong y/n. There is nothing in the whole fucking universe that could tear us away from you again."

°°°

Slowly things returned to normal. All three of your jackets were strewn across the house, the smell of home cooked dinner hung in the air every night, and you, Natasha and Maria fell into bed together as if no time at all had passed. Laughter rang through the halls and naps on the couch became a common place as they always had been. Some nights were spent cuddled in bed while others were spent with your legs around Maria's waist with Natasha's lips on your sensitive neck.

Life was still hectic and it always would be. Maria was still fury's second in command, Natasha was still an avenger (even if she had been taken off the front lines of duty) and you were secretary of state. But none of that mattered because everyone was home.

[coldasyou]

Hello and welcome to my thoughts ™ on the new episode of the good doctor! I know you are all DYING to hear them so let’s go.

We love an opening that references season 1 episodes! (Added to my gif list)

Is lea implying her family was poor ugh icon

Poor Shaun he deserves better

Claire and Shaun aren’t together I really can never win

I’m screaming grey’s anatomy really took all the good paitent storylines rip

MORGAN NO ASKING QUESTIONS TO THE PAITENTS SHAUN GOT TRANSFERED FOR THAT SHIT!

Killed someone this show has lost it

Ugh skip

They’re really just throwing out brain scans as if those doesn’t cost thousands of dollars paitents can’t afford that

The scalpel is back THE LEVELS the show said if we’re going back to season 1 storylines we’re doing it all…does this mean Shaun and Claire can act like they did in season 1 and actually talk?

CARLYYYYYYY fucking finally this really is a season one throwback and we get a last name

She is so sweet

And she is talking to Shaun can Claire come hang out too

Me too Shaun me too

Ugh this is why I’m a humanities person

IM SCREAMING leave Claire the fuck alone

Morgan was so quick to be like “SO YOU HATE EVERYONE WHO BELIEVES IN GOD HMMM” breznik feelings canceled until they have a cute glance again

I’m already annoyed with this plotline

Claire is talking to ******** more than she talked to Shaun last episode shaire stans remain the MOST oppressed

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW HAVE CANCER???

Can I call Claire an atheist icon now? If they make her change her beliefs I’m gonna be annoyed lmao. I think there can be some middle ground here y’all

I relate to all this Catholic Guilt ™ tho

Park needs to stop acting like he gives a shit lmao

Park stop fucking stirring the pot since when did YOU care

Ugh it’s hard only stanning four ppl on this show

Can someone PLS just threaten to sue Han or leak this to the press lmao problem solved you’re welcome

How iconic would it be if lim was just like “I’m autistic. Are you going to transfer me too?”…LISTEN SHE IS AUTISTIC

I was right Claire looks beautiful

How can you afford all these surgeries I’m yelling

Who is being poisoned with cyanide I’m screaming can we pls have a show abt pathology and Carly and not these boring ass plots we’ve been getting

NEXT TIME I love one (1) man

CLAIRE YESSS FIGHT FOR YOUR HUSBAND

She deserves better I’m tired of everyone talking down to her

SHE IS A LOYAL FRIEND AND ALSO GIRLFRIEND AND ALSO WIFE

I’m screaming can we pls have her go talk to Shaun abt all this and promise she’ll fight for him or is that to much to ask

The ableism is jumping out

IM SCREAMING DID YALL JUST COMPARE AUTISM TO THE FLU???

Han is why men don’t have rights

Claire is the queen of being right while everyone else is dumb af

Oh this lady damn everyone is coming back this episode!

Glassman she’s dating someone why are you so Dense

Is this gonna be like a Brennan from bones situation where everyone keeps pushing religion on Claire when she doesn’t want it I’m already tired

And another thing she just thinks he shouldn’t suffer for god she never said she didn’t think he should believe

But enjoy projecting your shit on her Morgan!

Lim is the only bitch in this house I respect

Honestly probably not bc Claire isn’t allowed to have anything either!

So we got Shaun talking abt Claire but in this way WHYYYYY

just let them be happy together I hate this

Clarie’s hair looks amazing

Claire is a hockey fan…the gay jumped out

What is Shaun doing I stan it tho

Oh NOW glassman will talk to him

Well I mean Shaun has been right abt like 90 other cases

Glassy you’re so fucking annoying remember when you were all abt helping Shaun lmao

HE HAS STOOD UP FOR HIMSELF AND THEN HE GETS IN TROUBLE YALL ARE TESTING ME

Shaun is so honest ixhxjsuswhhaa

Oh the loophole Jessica taught him well

Shaun that’s like…probably illegal but that’s okay

I wonder when the whole quarantine issue is gonna go down

Shaun yess now bring out those illustrations

Han is just gonna steal his idea pretends to be shocked

God these episodes kinda drag when you aren’t live-blogging and reading jokes

I know they’re married irl but she looks so young compared to him

Yeah lady he always pushes ppl away get used to it

Anyone else feel glassman has become intolerable this season?

Claire is so smart queen of religious studies

Okay this show isn’t going the route of Claire being converted or singled out as a bitch or bitter…we will proceed cautiously

Morgan is so fucking nosey you are loosing all the goodwill I gave you

Also just say atheist I’m screaming???

Ofc bc everyone who doesn’t believe in god is broken and empty and secretly hates themselves LOVE that for me!

I’m screaming the girl is like Oh Worm

Han is so annoying get a JOB

King of boundaries!

Are y’all gonna start shipping lim and Shaun now bc I’m not ready

Good work I’m still not gonna put u back in surgery tho

He’s so close to crying I’m abt to mcfucking loose it

Freddie is coming for the Emmy

Kinda wanna d*e

HAN JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP IM BEGGING!

Allistics have lost their rights

Wow it’s almost like everyone has weaknesses including you doctor Han and yet you’re still here

Can a show just have a charecter that’s not religious it doesn’t have to be like a THING I’m tired

Oof the cinnamon tography

SCALPEL I’m gonna cry can we get a flashback now?

Steve didn’t die for this

overall Thots: han can choke, needs more shaire, when will lea be allowed to talk to someone who isn’t shaun or glassy, claire deserves better, carly should have her own show, morgan is on the shit list again, park is still irrelevant…6/10 

[magdaclaire]

the best kind of problem

standrew cafe au found on ao3 here and also beneath the cut - enjoy!

Andrew thinks it's a joke at first. There are messages on his coffees every day he gets one, some innocuous little compliments and some the worst pickup lines he's ever heard in his life. After that, he thinks that this is something done for every customer that comes along, just something he didn't notice was happening to other people around him. That is, until he brings in his friend Ashly, and once his coffee cup is adorned in some silly comment or compliment, while Ashly's remains cleanly blank. Back to the drawing board he goes, growing a little more frustrated and desperate for a real answer for his quandary everyday.

It isn't the work of the kind and yet bored Ryan Bergara at the front counter, because Andrew has known both Ryan and Ryan's boyfriend, Shane Madej, for a bit too long for that. And, he's never seen Ryan leave the register. The coffee cup compliment leaver must be one of the people who never seems to leave the back of the shop, but Andrew doesn't know any of them, or that any of them have ever seen him; some of the compliments and lines are pretty specific to his appearance, and some even to his interests. It takes two weeks of little remarks and pick up lines for Andrew to think to ask Ryan. Ryan, his friend, the only reason he even started coming to this cafe, looks characteristically bored as Andrew approaches.

"So, uh," he starts, as awkward as he ever is, and then glances back at the floor. Ryan is looking up at him and Andrew should probably talk, but the words are taking more work than he'd like. "Do you know who's... leaving notes on my cups?" Andrew asks, not making eye contact with Ryan but rather looking over his shoulder and to the left. He's startled into looking at the other man by laughter - Ryan is laughing so hard that he looks like he's about to cry.

"Steve!" Ryan yells suddenly, turning towards the back kitchen while still nearly collapsing with laughter. It's only a moment before a flurry of activity bursts out of the kitchen, knocking over the broom beside the door and a rack in the kitchen that may have previously held spices. From the ruckus emerges possibly the most beautiful man that Andrew has ever seen,stumbling over himself and his ridiculously white shoes. The man who is apparently called Steve startles upon looking at Andrew, as if Andrew was the one to burst into the room where he happened to be, knocking shit over.

"Tell your boyfriend he's your boyfriend already. Take your break," Ryan says, his voice sounding tired and amused and dragged out and what the fuck? Andrew has more questions than answers, which he hadn't thought was possible before this progression. The man called Steve is blushing dark red but he nods, going back into the kitchen, possibly to go clock out as Ryan instructed him to do. It's the first part of Ryan's command that has Andrew confused; is he the boyfriend? Well, the not-boyfriend, rather. Andrew is just intrigued enough to follow Ryan's directory through the kitchen, inadvertently following Steve out the back.

"Uh, okay, so I'm going to start this with the fact that it's Steven, Steven Lim, Ryan calls me Steve even though I don't like it, it's Steven. And uh. Okay so the notes on your cups were me, because I saw you a couple of weeks ago and Ryan started telling me things about you when I asked, and Shane made it worse, you know, by being Shane, and I'm really sorry, I can totally leave you alone, just say the word," apparently Steven rants, and Andrew isn't sure the guy has taken a single breath. He's sounds both despondent and somehow excited, like he can't keep his energy from spilling over at the seams. Andrew tries very hard not to find him entirely adorable, but it doesn't work for a moment.

"I'm not saying the word - I don't want you to leave me alone," Andrew tries, and then diagnoses as a failure. He decides immediately to try again, if only because Steven looks marginally more hopeful, and hope looks really good on this boy. "The... the pickup lines and stuff. The compliments. They're really nice. I like them a lot. I've started... looking forward to them every morning. Would be a shame if I didn't get one." Steven breaks into the sweetest smile that Andrew's ever seen, and he kind of feels like one of those cakes in a mom and pop bodega, the ones that crumble so soon as you put your fingertip to them. Steven is beautiful.

"Yeah?" Steven asks, voice soft, and Andrew tries not to drown a little. He's just met this guy, and he has the worst feeling that this is just the beginning of how bad he'll get for him. Andrew knows he'll have to at least act more together than this.

"Yeah. Though I do think taking a more direct approach would have been - well - at least more direct," he says, taking a sip of his coffee and startling a laugh out of Steven. It's a little bit glorious, Andrew can't lie.

"I can start complimenting you in person in the morning if you want," Steven says. Andrew raises his eyebrows. "Too direct?" he asks, worrying his bottom lip. Andrew shakes his head and chuckles, looking at the ground before looking back up at Steven. He really does have to look up; Steven is about four inches taller than him, maybe more. Andrew kinda likes it.

"I might have to compliment you. I have a bit of catching up to do," Andrew attempts to flirt; this one he immediately classifies as a success. Steven looks a little surprised and a lot... reverent? Like Andrew means a lot more than he should, and Andrew doesn't know how to deal with that, but he thinks it's the kind of problem he would love to learn how to adapt to. It sounds like the best kind of problem.

"I - That sounds nice. Can I take you on a date? Oh god that's forward. Uh. Would you maybe like to go to dinner with me on some night eventually take your time?" Steven asks, stilted in the cutest ways, and part of Andrew is delighted. He's so nice, that part whispers, so nice and so new. You'll love him.

"How about you give me your number first, and then we talk about getting dinner... Wednesday night?" Andrew counter-offers, quickly picking a night when he would be free soon. It's Monday today, and he knows Wednesday might be a little fast, but that's okay. Steven frantically nods, digging his phone out of his pocket and unlocking it. He passes it to Andrew with reckless abandon; Andrew doesn't know that he could trust a virtual stranger with his phone like that. Steven looks almost giddy and Andrew grins, putting in the digits of his phone number beneath a simple Andrew and sending a text to himself. He hands Steven's phone back to him and doesn't freak out when their fingers touch - just barely.

"Just Andrew? Lemme pick my own name in your phone, huh?" Steven says, somehow looking small with that little coy look on his face. Andrew almost wants to - well, he wants to reach out and put his fingers to it, but that would be weird. Andrew nods and passes his own phone over to Steven, just as he was just mentally saying he would not do. Because he's a weak piece of shit, but that's a thought for another day. When it's handed back to him, the number is saved as Steven, but it's augmented with several emojis that Andrew has never used before in his life: a yellow heart, something that looks like a sunset, and the Chinese flag.

"Are you going to add emojis to mine?" Andrew asks despite himself, grinning down at his phone before looking up at Steven again. Steven seems to have to shake himself from looking at Andrew to answer, which makes the shorter man feel very good about himself, though he wouldn't say so aloud.

"Of course. Emojis are essential," Steven says, as if this is very obvious, but still not making Andrew feel old like it would with anyone else. Instead it just reaffirms just how cute this boy is, and Andrew is afloat on it.

"You should get back to work, Steven Lim. It's Ilnyckyj, by the way. Andrew Ilnyckyj," he tells Steven, looking to the end of the alleyway for a way to make a cool but aesthetically pleasing exit. He's satisfied by the exit, and goes to make it before there's a hand on his arm.

"Text me, Andrew Ilnyckyj. Text me anytime," Steven says, and he drops a kiss on Andrew's cheek before making a quick exit back into the shop .Looks to be that Andrew shouldn't have worried about his own exit at all.

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

FFWPU babies dying and members starving

▲ Moon with his 1959 birthday cake at Chongpa-dong in Seoul. Pak Bo-hi is on the right, Eu Hyo-won is on the left.

Steve Kemperman: “Sharon related the story of the early days of the Korean Church—couples had sometimes left their babies in garbage cans to die. I’d heard about these tragedies before from the higher-ups and understood that there’d been barely enough food for the parents to keep from starving to death. But why then, asked Vick, had Sun Myung Moon continued to receive the choicest foods?”

Lord of the Second Advent (1981) by Steve Kemperman (page 20)

_______________________________________

This testimony, given in the early 1980s, confirms the starvation.

Mrs. Kang Chung-won (36 couple), wife of Lee Jae-seok

▲ Ewha Womans University campus, May 23, 1955. (Top from left) Seo Myung-jin, Lee Gye-soon*, Sa Gil-ja, Chi Saeng-ryeon**, Park Young-sook, Kang Chung-won and Chong Dae-hwa (who was later married to Kim Young-whi) (Bottom from left) Choi Soon-wha (the mother of Sam Park), Yim Seung-hee***, Kim Jung-eun, Shin Mi-shik (later known as Mamasan Choi) and Park Seung-kyu.

* Lee Gye-soon entered Kyunghee University in 1957. She left the Unification Church over 50 years ago and had a successful career as a professor.

** Before Chi Saeng-ryeon joined she was known as Chi Mal-sook, and after she moved to the US in 1973 she was known as Mal-sook Lee.

*** Her name may be 朴承姫 Park Seung-hee and not 林 Yim or Lim Seung-hee.

Kim Yun-rye was also expelled but later made a pledge to give up the Unification Church, and Ewha Womans University allowed her to return to her studies.

Eight of the expelled students entered other universities in 1956.

___________________________________________

“We witnessed on the streets. In 1970, we left our children behind and went pioneering again for three years. This was the beginning of the tradition in the Korean Church, today, whereby all Blessed wives must go pioneering for the same period. After witnessing and doing itinerary work around the country I returned to my home. Immediately Father ordered me to work with the Woman’s I.F.V.O.C. and that is where I work today as the General Secretary.

Having attended Father until now, I think that those of us who still remain are those who submit themselves completely to Father’s words, those who have no self and those who are concerned only for the fulfilment of God’s will.

I was raised as a daughter of a rich family, and after receiving the Blessing I have suffered more than I can ever express in words. When I was pregnant with my first child, I was sent out witnessing. I had nothing to eat so I sometimes went to the mountains and gathered wild vegetables to eat. While I was witnessing, I fainted on the street from lack of blood. I once had no place to go and had to spend the night in the room of one of our members. At times I had to stay in a place like a storage house with many students. I endured these difficulties, however, because I knew that Father, too, had gone through much suffering. When I thought about his having walked the way of restoration through indemnity, my only thought was to accomplish his will for him. Father had told us that those who were rich before joining our church had to indemnify this by going through much poverty.

I kept these words and I went through the typical indemnity course. I would witness, with my baby son on my back. He became seriously ill. Because of malnutrition, he was always getting sick. I had no money to take him to a hospital so I took him to a Health Clinic for poor people. The doctor there felt so sorry for me that he gave me several years supply of vitamins for my baby.

In 1966 when our church began a movement to quadruple our membership I worked very hard because as the wife of a church director I had to stand on the front line. When we collected used articles to raise money for witnessing, I worked harder than anyone. Once on my way home from having visited the house of a member I suddenly felt all strength go out of my body and I fell down on the street. I began to sweat cold sweat and the right side of my body became paralysed. Someone passing by stood me up against a fence and went to contact my church. Our members carried me into a room.

We had no money to go to hospital, so we locked the door to the church and prayed together. “Father, what shall I do if I am like this? Your glory will be hidden within me. I am not thinking of myself but of your will when I ask you to make this body whole again.”

After a week of praying like this, I recovered completely and started working again. My husband also worked so hard that he caught T.B. and sometimes vomited blood, but he never left his public position and maintained it to the end. When I look back upon my life I myself wonder how I could have come through such a difficult course without stumbling. Although I am not worthy, I have tried to become a person who can appear without shame on a page of history. I worked hard for the day when my children would ask me “Mother, what did you do for God’s will when we were small?” and I would be able to answer them with pride.

To help my husband I became a door to door salesman, I carried merchandise around in a cloth sack and sold them. I opened a dress shop, a small Chinese restaurant and sold guns.

One time I became so tired that I collapsed on a sofa and water shot out from my cheek like a fountain. I went to a skin doctor and he told me that this sometimes happens as a result of fatigue. He said that if the water had gone up to my head I would have died. He told me that God must be protecting me.

Even after giving birth to a baby, I didn’t have the chance to rest my body for a long time, because I had to keep working. During the effort to quadruple our membership, we came into contact with two ministers and had a revival meeting with them. This became the beginning of the Super Denomination movement.

I worked very hard at the dress shop to support my husband while he pushed forward, in spite of all opposition and persecution, to reach the ministers who were reluctant to attend our seminars. With the help of God my business went well but I never used any money for myself, never even making any clothes for myself.

Even while doing business I witnessed on the street and in the countryside whenever I had time. I always told my employees that I would not be doing that business forever and that if I were to be commanded to do public work I would have to comply.

Finally from December 1, 1970, I began the three year witnessing course. At the time my children were six, four and ten years old. Also I had not yet returned the money I had borrowed to open the dress shop. I couldn’t afford to be away from the shop for even an hour, but I left it behind and went to my witnessing area. A few days later I received a letter from my husband. He said he had always known that I was brave but had never thought that I could be as brave as this.

I have been opposed by society, expelled from school [Ewha Womans University] and criticised by all people. The reason I have been able to come through even the most difficult course is that I always think of how Father has suffered so much more in order to do God’s will and that I will endure anything for him. As long as the living God exists, I will accomplish his Will.

This is how I have come this far and this is how I will continue into the future. All of you are going through many difficulties now but let’s endure and become victors before God.”

_______________________________________

The baby was very small and undernourished

What was the qualification of Sun Myung Moon among 70 other Korean messiahs?

Ewha Womans University sex scandal as told in 1955 newspapers

FFWPU children sent to orphanages in Korea – and mothers sent away in the US

“I see only a tiny version of myself, seated on the bare floor, encircled by darkness.” – Nansook Hong

[ssongsboo]

─────────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───────────

─────────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───────────

⟢ 너에게 빨려들어가지 .ᐟ

your phone rings late at night, steve’s name lighting up the screen. he’s been away on tour for weeks, and these late-night calls have become both a comfort and a longing. you pick up, the familiar warmth of his voice wrapping around you. “hey baby,” he murmurs, his tone soft but laced with something deeper tonight. “miss me yet?” you laugh, feeling your cheeks warm. “of course. more every day.”

there’s a pause, and you hear him exhale, almost as if he’s closing his eyes, picturing you right there with him. “you know,” he says, voice dipping, “this whole time, i haven’t been able to shake you from my mind. it’s like you’re a maze i can’t get out of. it drives me crazy…but i think i like it.”

“am i that confusing?” you tease, but he can hear the way your breath catches, betraying your own feelings. “oh, you’re a lot more than that,” he replies, his words taking on a weight that sends shivers down your spine. “sometimes i feel like i’m falling deeper and deeper every time i think about you. and right now…” he trails off, letting the silence fill with the unspoken. “if only i was there to show you.” your heart beats faster, and you can almost feel him here, the two of you close, fingers intertwined. “tell me what you’d do, how you’d make me feel then,” you whisper.

steve’s voice drops to a near-whisper, each word like a gentle pull, drawing you into his world. “oh, trust me…you wouldn’t be able to keep up with me tonight.” your heart races, the silence between you thick with tension. you can almost hear his breathing on the other end of the line, steady but weighted, and you wonder just how much he’s been holding back.

“steve,” you murmur, your voice barely above a whisper, “i wish you were here…” he lets out a soft chuckle, warm but with an edge of something darker. “you sure about that? because if i were there,” he says slowly, “i wouldn’t waste a second. i’d want to see every inch of you, every part i’ve been dreaming about since i left.” you shiver, biting your lip. “maybe i’d like that.”

there’s a pause, his breath hitching, and then his voice lowers, gentler but firmer, guiding. “then let me be with you right now, princess. start by taking off that shirt. i want to imagine you exactly as i would if i were there.”

your fingers tremble slightly as you obey, slipping the fabric over your shoulders and letting it fall. you can hear his soft exhale as if he knows exactly what you look like right now, even without seeing you. “how does it feel?” he asks, the depth in his voice pulling you closer into his world. “feels…good,” you reply, your voice a little unsteady but laced with anticipation. “good,” he murmurs approvingly, “because we’re just getting started. now, slowly…” he continues, his voice soft but sure, guiding you through every step. “ i want you to slide your fingers down… feel your skin as you go.”

you close your eyes, letting his words fill the space he’s left, the distance fading with every detail he gives. his tone is low, coaxing, as he paints the picture of his hands moving over you instead. “imagine i’m there, my hands on you, touching you just the way you like…”

your breath catches, and he must hear it because he chuckles softly, the sound both warm and possessive. “you’re already feeling it, aren’t you?” he murmurs. “if i were there, i’d pull you close… take my time with you…”

“steve…” you whisper, and he breathes your name, almost as if he’s savoring the way it sounds, echoing the tension between you both. “keep going,” he urges, his voice growing huskier, a low timbre that seems to resonate with the pulse building in you. “close your eyes for me. pretend i’m right there with you.” his voice is charged with dominace yet it carries a hint of desperation. as if he needed this just as much as you. “imagine everything i’d be doing if i were there, how close we’d be…”

for a moment, it’s as if he is there, guiding you, his voice making up for every inch of space that separates you. every word drawing you closer to him, despite the miles that keep you apart.

you follow his words, letting your mind wander to the feeling of his hands on you, his breath close, the warmth of his presence filling the emptiness he left behind.

“so good for me,” he says, his voice a little rougher now. “now… i want you to touch yourself. slowly.”

your breath catches, and he chuckles, sensing your hesitation. “don’t be shy,” he whispers, reassuring but firm. “let me hear you, too. i want to know what it feels like, every time your hands move… imagining they’re mine.”

your hands move, guided by his steady, low tone. his voice sinks into you, painting vivid scenes in your mind. “that’s it, baby, ” he murmurs softly. “just like that. imagine me there, my hands following yours, making you feel everything i would if i could be there with you.”

the sound of his breathing on the other end makes you feel even closer to him, like he’s in the room, guiding every movement, every touch. “keep going,” he whispers. “i’m right here with you…”

your heart races, every one of his words bringing you closer to him, almost as if he’s right there. there’s a pause, and he speaks, his tone more intense, a bit rougher. “baby, you make me so strange,” he murmurs, repeating the words with a low chuckle. “i can’t get you out of my head, even when i try. i am trapped in—no way out.”

you can feel the effect you have on him, hear it in the depth of his voice. “you’re the criminal,” he says softly, with a laugh that borders on a growl. “all i can think about is you, every night, driving me crazy. it’s like i’m falling deeper every second.” his words send a shiver through you, and as if he knows, he murmurs, “keep going… i want you deep, deep, deep in it- just like i am with you.” you obey, letting your movements match the rhythm he sets, falling deeper into his voice, imagining his hands over yours, tracing every part of you. he takes a breath, and you can hear the way he’s holding back, as if his own restraint is starting to slip.

“imagine i’m right there, moving with you,” he whispers, his voice heavy with longing. “like i said, i wouldn’t be able to stop. i’d want you all to myself… until tomorrow shatters.” your breath catches as he continues, his voice like a warm, steady pulse in your ear, guiding you into a world where he’s with you, where the distance between you both no longer exists.

the tension builds between you, each word from him making the distance fade until it feels like he’s right there with you. his breathing has grown heavier, mirroring your own, every exhale laced with the same intensity that pulls you deeper.

“are you still with me?” he whispers, his voice rough with restraint, each word like a steady pulse, guiding you both closer. “yes,” you sigh, the anticipation in your voice matching his. it feels like you’re both on the edge, a shared longing neither can hold back. “good girl,” he breathes, his tone dark and full of promise. “then don’t stop. stay with me… deep, deep, deep,” he repeats, his words almost a chant now, coaxing you forward. “i want us to finish together. just let go for me, baby.”

you can hear the strain in his voice, his own restraint slipping, and you match his rhythm, lost in his words. “imagine i’m there, holding you,” he murmurs. “pulling you close, deeper, until we’re both right where we want to be.” your breathing syncs with his, every word, every breath drawing you both closer to that edge. and then, finally, he lets out a low, shaky exhale, his voice barely a whisper. “now… let go. right here with me- i got you, angel.”

as his voice reaches you, it’s as if a floodgate opens, and the distance disappears completely. you both fall together, his voice carrying you through, anchoring you in the moment. it’s as if he’s there, his presence surrounding you, pulling you deeper, until every barrier between you shatters and the world fades to nothing but the sound of his voice and the warmth of his words.

there’s a beat of silence, both of you catching your breath, and then he laughs softly, filled with warmth. “i’ll be home soon,” he murmurs. “and i promise, next time… we won’t have to settle for the phone.”

[reviewape-blog]

Goal Setting Formula

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Thank you very much Shawn, for such a lovely, clear, concise and highly motivational eBook.Anabelle LimA University Student Because you are about to find out one of the precious formulas that you can use to transform your life into a super achiever and achieve basically any dreams and goals you want in your life. The well-known martial artist and movie star Bruce Lee became supreme exponent of martial arts and was once the master of masters in kung fu. Through a short but explosive film career he made the world aware of Chinese martial arts and he then became one of the highest paid movie stars in the world. For Bruce Lee to become successful he had to overcome incredible obstacles. As you know, he had to overcome the obstacles of being the first Chinese movie star in the West. There was a lot of prejudice towards the Chinese so this was a huge challenge… However, Bruce overcome all the obstacles and he even used his martial arts as a medium to unite the eastern and western culture and bring down the racial barriers at that time. In Planet Hollywood in New York City, there is a letter hanging on the wall that Bruce Lee wrote to himself many years before he was successful. The letter is stamped and is dated January 9, 1970. Bruce wrote on this letter clearly what his goal was to be. It said: Bruce Lee attained this goal and he became a mega superstar and attained huge wealth well beyond the goal he set. I have read your eBook, Goal Setting FormulaTM, to say the least I am impressed by the book. I would like to call it a life changing guide to a goal setting break through. It offers a step by step guide through the process and giving a more participative and practical approach which is very easy to understand and apply. I would like to recommend this eBook to any aspiring persons who are serious about goal setting and achievement. Thanks to Shawn Lim. – Lennimore Dauda Harare, Zimbabwe The formula that Bruce Lee used is called “Goal Setting” and many other successful people like Richard Branson, Steve Jobs, Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, Napoleon Hill, Donald Trump, Brian Tracy, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Anthony Robbins, etc, etc, etc. So how did all these successful people achieve so much in their life? The answer is plain and simple… This formula is as easy as drinking water: Let me show you another real-life example of what this guy achieved with goal setting… I just finished reading your excellent book ‘Goal Setting FormulaTM’. I have to say I really liked it and did not put it down until I finished it. I literally read it from beginning to end in one sitting, and then read it again, step by step, as I thought about my goals. What I loved about the e-book was its simplicity, in language and presentation, making easy to follow and understand. I highly recommend it to anyone who seriously wants to move ahead in life. Thank you, Shawn. Best wishes,Hani Al-Qasem When he was 12, he was lazy, unmotivated, hated to study and labelled as a slow-learner. However, he still managed to turn the world around. Who he is? He is Adam Khoo. One of the youngest self-made millionaires in Singapore. So how in the world can he achieved so many amazing results in his life? This is simply because Adam understands how goal setting works… So now you might ask, if all of these are so easy, why don’t everyone achieve what they want in their life? Why aren’t more people living the life of their dreams? Why doesn’t everyone have the perfect career, home, body and relationship? The reason is that there is more to goal setting and goal achievement. Goal setting is not just a wishful thinking. You can’t just sit down for 3 minutes and write down what you want to achieve in your life, and hope that everything will come true the next day after you woke up. There is a formula that you need to go through, a short series of steps that takes you from where you are to where you want to be. Providing you go through that process, in the right order, there is little that you cannot achieve. From someone who learned about goal setting and success the hard way I can tell you that Shawn Lim outlines a great way to get going with your plans and start living life to the fullest. Anyone who reads this book will move on with a clearer head about their goals. When you walk on the path that you designed, you will have the natural motivation that keeps you going all the time. You’ll live your life happier than ever before simply because you are living the life that you wanted exactly. People who believe that they are the master of their life change their life and achieve whatever they want. People who believe whatever happen will be will be change by their surroundings. They are waiting for opportunity instead of creating opportunity. Goal setting may not be new to you, maybe you have tried to set goals and achieve them before. If you didn’t succeed, there is a high probability that you would presumed that goal setting does not work. Perhaps, Brian Tracy says it best… Firstly, most people do not know what they really want in their life. Sounds crazy, but it’s true. If you do not know what you really want in your life, how in the world are you going to achieve it? You need to find out what you really want to achieve in your life before you can achieve them. Don’t be a lost sheep and following the crowd. Find out what you truly want in your life. If you’re not sure what you want to do with your life, don’t worry. You will learn how to discover your true goal with Goal Setting FormulaTM. What would you expect from this eBook? That’s the first thing came across my mind, but after reading this eBook, it is giving me a crystal clear view about Goal Setting. Why we need to set our goal? For me if you do not set any goal in your life yet and I am pretty sure you shall live your life the same before. I quote from this eBook: “Goal setting is the powerful vehicle that can bring you to whatever you want, and action is the fuel that drives the powerful vehicle.” I can tell you that this is not the ordinary information written in this eBook. It will guide you step-by-step to setting up your goal and I like the “What Should You Do Now” chapter and if you want to know why, then grab this eBook. So my advice to you, for those who seeking a success in his or her life and dare to be extraordinary people, take your first action by getting this eBook and you would be thankful to Shawn by making this eBook. If you are given everything, what do you want to achieve in your life? “It was only recently that I discovered goal setting. In a nutshell, it means setting a goal, writing it down and telling the whole world about it. In the past, I did set goals, but I would do it only in my mind. In many cases, when the going got tough, I would compromise, or bargain with myself for a simpler goal, or conveniently “postpone” the goal for another time. Most of the time, the goal would not be fulfilled in its entirety. Sometimes, it never got fulfilled at all. Now, when I set goals and tell people around me about it, my approach to the goal changed. I would be actively seeking for ways to achieve that goal, whether it is with the people I talk to, or the TV program I’m watching, or the article I’m reading. And I will take the initiative and go out there and do whatever needs to be done to achieve my stated goal. In fact, when I’m in my “goal achieving” mode, it is as if every fibre of my being was tuned to getting my goal achieved. In everything that I say or do, I will be looking for ways of moving myself closer to my goal. It actually becomes very difficult to fail. Goal setting works! With the “Goal Setting FormulaTM” eBook, you will learn to set goals and adopt the right strategies to go about achieving your goals. It outlines a step-by-step guide so that achieving your goals has never been easier.” Warrior Forum MemberDavid “It is true that one need to set goals, in fact it is of utmost importance if you have any intention of being successful in life. Taking the time to read this eBook has most definitely put me in the right prospective as to areas in which to set my goals after all most of us just think along the line of financial goals and not necessarily marking out a balance field, prioritizing, successful keys to goal setting, setting goals i love, as when you really love what you do you will give it your all. I believe that one can truly inspire another and this eBook has done it for me. Thanks Shawn, every time I come up short of reaching my goals I will come back to this place to remind myself of the direction to take and the ways to go about it.” Therefore, if you are not committed toward what you want to achieve in your life, you will never going to achieve them. I know that you want to achieve great success and create amazing results in your life. But the question is, “Are you 100% committed to achieve them?” Last but not least, most people do not know how to achieve what they want. If you are just like most people, you are so eager to achieve what you want but you do not know how, this is the right moment for you… Let me show you what is inside this eBook. It took me such a long time to figure out in writing this because I want to add in real and great value for you: How to set and achieve basically anything you want in your life (As long as you follow through the steps in my eBook)! How to live a balance life by achieving great success in every areas of your life. Learn how to stay focused and put in 100% concentration in what you do. Help to find out who you really are and what you really want to achieve in your life. Learn how you can craft and design your own destiny. Develop strategies how to drive yourself and keep yourself motivated all the time! Learn how to deal with feedback and change your strategies to align with your goals. Learn how to make your goals actionable that you can actually act on! How you can set empowering goals that drive you all the time. How to put yourself on the line and become a super achiever! I’m not crazy, however I want you to… download “Goal Setting FormulaTM” eBook now and apply every formula and secrets for the next 60 days! (More than 8 weeks!) And if you think that my “Goal Setting FormulaTM” eBook does not help you in your journey to success, I don’t want your money. I’ll gladly return every single cent you invest here with no questions asked! YES Shawn! I want to download and discover the Goal Setting Formula secrets! I want to transform into a super achiever and achieve my goals like a winner, every time! *** There’s no BEST TIME or RIGHT TIME to set goals and create your own destiny. When you have the chance, you should GRAB IT! You don’t have to repeat your last year this year. Make a change. This is the best time for you to decide and to transform your life. Don’t let this great opportunity slip by. This is your chance, grab it NOW… To Your Success!Shawn Lim PS. If you are really serious in achieving your goals and success in your life, then I will be serious with you as well – You are investing for your future. PPS. Do this for me and for you, there is no risk involved. Test out my “Goal Setting Formula” guide with totally zero risk for the next 8 weeks! If you’re not completely satisfied with it, just let me know and I’ll immediately issue you a full refund with no question asked. What’s more, if you like it (and I’m sure you’ll do), keep the eBook plus the bonuses and use every tip, every secret, and every tool included in there. Either way, you WIN. So what are you waiting for? Click here now to get everything you need to transform yourself into a Super Achiever! © 2016 GoalSettingFormula.com ClickBank is the retailer of products on this site. CLICKBANK® is a registered trademark of Click Sales, Inc., a Delaware corporation located at 917 S. Lusk Street, Suite 200, Boise Idaho, 83706, USA and used by permission. ClickBank’s role as retailer does not constitute an endorsement, approval or review of these products or any claim, statement or opinion used in promotion of these products. Click here to get Goal Setting Formula at discounted price while it’s still available… All orders are protected by SSL encryption – the highest industry standard for online security from trusted vendors. Goal Setting Formula is backed with a 60 Day No Questions Asked Money Back Guarantee. If within the first 60 days of receipt you are not satisfied with Wake Up Lean™, you can request a refund by sending an email to the address given inside the product and we will immediately refund your entire purchase price, with no questions asked. - ReviewApe - https://www.reviewape.com/?p=15830

[after-nine-at-the-oasis]

What. the heck

xdd

Okay promo time

AHH new newbies??

New newbies :DDDD!!!

Yeah I suppose it has been a while since we've gotten some lol!

And we've been down to only two so ┐⁠(⁠ ⁠∵⁠ ⁠)⁠┌

Anyway oooh that's exciting :D

OH WAIT YEAH THAT MEANS THEY'RE ATTENDINGS!!!

Shaun said that and I like did not register/process it at all XD

Anyway YAYYYYAYAYAYYAYYY SHAUN AND PARK ARE ATTENDINGS!!!! WHOOOOOO :DDDDD!!!

Anyway lol (I came back to edit that I'll be real because I forgot about it but saw it when I saw the summary for the next episode just now - I only posted this like 10 minutes ago but actually 5 because I accidentally just saved it as a draft without posting it first lol aaaaanyways - and I felt like it needed to be mentioned xD)

Asher xD

Lol ready to see him happy again <33

Also ready to see all his trauma >:)) :DD

I better

Or I will do it myself xD

Lol anyway

AHHHH Lim's back :DD

Aww Lim :'))

And yeah, he did save her life :'D

Them your honor <3

Oh no 😧

Lim :(((

Yeah I get it

To a lesser degree but yeah it's hard to accept that your life has changed and you can't always do what you used to be able to :'((

WAIT GIRL WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THE MOTORCYCLE NOW????

Sorry not the time XDD

Oh no :o

Lim :'(((

I hope she doesn't have to step down but if she does I hope she finds something really good to do :')

Okay and that's about it! Those are the last of my final thoughts, and now it's time for the. . .

REVIEW

I LOVED THIS EPISODE SOOOO MUCH 😭😭😭😭!!!

From the angst on like, literally everyone's part, to the relationships, to the surgeries, to everyone being okay??? It's amazing :')).

I said a LOT in my liveblog, especially near the end (as I am wont to do with the good doctor lol, but especially after it's ended and there's no time limit on me and my backlog xD), so this review will be pretty short.

First of all! Jordan, you did great <333. There wasn't much of a focus on her but she did amazing :')). Also Glassman, had to make some tough calls but again, he did good <333. Ah, and Andrews? Fantastic <33. He had to make some stuff calls, and he also got some good emotional moments but yeah, good for him, wonderful <3. I love them all so much :)). I mean them and also just all of them in their little family lol.

Lim and Dalisay (plus that guy with Crohn's)!! I am so glad they're alright :'D. I mean Lim has some stuff to work through, and trust me when I say I'm not trying to make it seem like this is an awful fate or whatever or that her life is pointless now that she's paralyzed, that's not what I'm trying to say it ALL. But it still sucks, and it's jarring, and while I know she'll be okay, it'll be a hard journey, and I hope she does well along the way <3. And I really hope we get to see some oft he lasting affects of Dalisay - on all of them, really - and don't just stop seeing her so much :')). I still love her even if her/this plotline's mostly over now so I hope she sticks around besides just being there <3.

Morgan and Park!! Lol it's weird I listed Lim and Villanueva together when every other one's gonna be a ship xD. Anyway, THEMM 😭😭😭😭. I can't y'all, they don't deserve this heartbreak and neither do I :((. I honestly see Park's point though, but I do think she's ready to put them first. I think they will (PROBABLY) get back together, after a little while, just because I don't see one of them leaving the show quite yet, nor do I see them being able to be working together still after breaking up xD. But, yeah,I really hope they come out of this alright <33.

Shaun and Lea!!! They are so amazing 😭😭😭😭😭. I just- I can't. THEY'RE M A R R I E D D D D D D!!!!! I just love them so much :'DD. Shaun's plot with Steve was fascinating, and Lea stepping up to help was just *chef's kiss* amazing. Even through her turmoil (and Shaun doing his job even through his), she helped, and she supported Shaun, and she did an amazing job :'))). Also I swear that last scene (and the first one xD) was SO FREAKING SOFT 😭😭❤️🥰🥰😍😍. They're so adorable I can't, I love them <333.

Asher and Jerome!!!! Yes I'm leaving them for last even after Shaun and Lea, it's because I LOVE THEM, OKAY? Anyway lol.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🥰🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍😍😍😍🥰🥰❤️❤️❤️😭😭❤️❤️🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 THEY SAID I LOVE YOUUUUU

THEY'RE IN L O V E YOUR HONOR :DDDDDDD 😭😭😭😭😭😭❤️❤️😍😍🥰🥰🥰🥰❤️❤️😭❤️!!!!

Also I watched it back and yeah Jerome definitely did not say anything lol. Like he was trying but he most definitely did NOT lol. Asher did though so that's all I need <3.

But that is actually a lie I'm gonna need an "I love you" from Jerome at some point in the future, I don't care when, and I do miss a kiss 😔😔. Mourning the loss of the kids we could've had lol. But nah, that looked like an amazing hug <333. I would've loved a kiss but it probably fit better without one :))). That just means I need one in the future though lol.

ANYWAY!! The T R A U M A Asher went through this episode :o. Like DANG y'all can we address that??? Probably the most added trauma (like yk Shaun's ain't new) besides Villanueva and Lim!!! I really hope we do see the long-term effects/the consequences of that in the future. Also Jerome being scared and worried for Asher was amazing 😭😭😭❤️❤️🥰. Literally I love them so much. Oh and Jerome calling him Ash was what I LIVE FOR. That was AMAZING. Beautiful, my babeys, we love nicknames xDD 😭😭😭 <33333. Just- them 😊😊☺️☺️☺️😊.

Overall, I really, really loved this episode. It was such a great season premiere, and everybody played their parts perfectly. I meant in the plot, but the acting was amazing too :'D. I'm still having so many feelings lol. Most of them happy because I'm thinking about Jerome and Asher, and Shaun and Lea, but still lol xD. It was an awesome episode, full of suspense and cool plot points and twists (twists included in the cool). I thoroughly enjoyed it, this episode was just great. I think it's the start to a truly wonderful season.

What an amazing episode. I'm looking forward to what's coming up next in the series! This has been my review of. . .

The Good Doctor, Season 6, Episode 1: Afterparty

It was so great. And I am super excited for the next episode - it's going to be wild, I'm sure of it. See you next week for my review of. . .

The Good Doctor, Season 6, Episode 2: Change of Perspective

See you then!

[djgblogger-blog]

DNA apps promise deeper insights for consumers – but at what cost?

http://bit.ly/2s1jXdX

Users may want to know more than what’s in a basic report from a genetic testing company. science photo/Shutterstock.com

Last month, law enforcement in California apprehended the alleged Golden State Killer, a serial murderer and rapist who terrorized the state during the 70s and 80s. Investigators triangulated to a suspect using a combination of DNA evidence left at crime scenes and publicly available genetic genealogy websites, most notably GEDMatch.

Quite provocative in its own right, the incident has sparked much discussion and debate about genetic privacy, ownership of genetic data and appropriate uses of DNA evidence, and database searching by law enforcement. As a researcher studying personal access to “raw” or uninterpreted genetic data and the ways people use it on third-party interpretation websites such as GEDMatch, I’m glad to see the public focusing on a few key distinctions in the world of personal genetic testing. There are notable but often underappreciated differences between the more well-known consumer testing companies and the third-party sites that promise users further interpretation of their data.

After you get your DNA data …

Direct-to-consumer (DTC) genetic testing has been relatively mainstream since around 2007. The two largest companies, 23andMe and AncestryDNA, have collectively amassed over 10 million customers. For a cost of around US$100, DTC companies have you spit into a tube from which they extract your DNA. They focus on a predefined set of between half a million and a million sites – what geneticists call base pairs (the coupled As, Cs, Ts and Gs) – in your genome. This subset is less than 0.05 percent of the whole genome; few companies offer to sequence the entire thing.

Depending on the company, this genetic information is then used to generate reports about genetic ancestry, physical traits, disease predispositions or relatedness to other customers in the company’s database. Most DTC companies also allow customers to download a file of their “raw” or uninterpreted genetic data. Essentially this is a long text file that lists all the sites genotyped by the company and the customer’s DNA sequence at those sites.

Third-party tools take the raw DNA further than the first two parties: the individual who provided the DNA and the direct-to-consumer genetic testing company. Montage by Sarah Catherine Nelson

So now DTC customers have raw data files sitting on their hard drives that they may want to further leverage but aren’t sure how. Enter third-party interpretation websites run by other companies, entrepreneurs and citizen scientists. These online tools enable users to pursue further interpretation and analysis of their raw data files – perhaps also contributing to additional research. There are currently dozens of such tools, and the list seems to be growing.

If the past decade of consumer genomics has been a music festival, the large DTC companies have been playing the main stage, while third-party tools have been off performing smaller venues. They might have adamant fans and a loyal following, but they just haven’t been on the general public’s radar to the same extent as DTC testing. Similarly, there’s a small amount of research on third-party tools compared to how much academic attention has been paid to DTC testing.

This group of apps and sites is also a very disparate genre. While you can parse them according to the primary categories of information DTC companies return – health, ancestry and relatives – they’re more varied in scale, modes of operation and other functionalities, like whether they’re connected with citizen science research initiatives.

Spit versus genetic data

Users send off a biological sample from which the company extracts DNA data. Brendan Lim, CC BY-NC-ND

One key difference between DTC companies and third-party websites is what you submit to them and how. Most DTC companies collect customer DNA samples via mail-in spit kits. Producing a milliliter or two of spit is surprisingly difficult – it’s definitely not something you’re going to do without noticing. Indeed companies settled on this method of sample collection in part to avoid surreptitious testing – meaning it’s unlikely someone can send in your sample without your knowledge.

The spit is the physical material from which the DTC companies extract DNA molecules that they then genotype to produce a file with the customer’s raw genetic data. Once encapsulated in a file, genetic data is quite portable and more difficult to control. You can email it, upload it or copy it onto thumb drives and ship to your 10 closest friends. Compared to spitting in a tube, you may not know if someone obtains and uploads your data file to a third-party site.

What third-party interpretation websites actually do with users’ genetic data files varies widely and is especially relevant to the Golden State Killer case. Some tools – one is Promethease – delete user data after a fixed and rather short period of time. The site holds onto it just long enough to generate the health-related report. Other tools never require data to leave the user’s own computer or device; instead, the analysis happens locally – for instance, GENOtation/Interpretome, David Pike’s utilities and the DNA Doctor smartphone app.

For other tools, retaining users’ data long term is central to the operation and mission. Genealogy-focused tools such as GEDMatch need to keep data to allow new users to search across the database for relatives – as is also the case with the DTC companies that offer a relative-finding service. Tools such as DNA.Land retain user data in part to conduct research studies. But even these tools that keep user data are not public or open databases; one can’t directly download or access other users’ raw genetic data. A notable exception is the open science project openSNP, which explicitly makes all user data freely available for download in the interest of making science more accessible and collaborative.

Physical versus informational property

Once the genetic information has been extracted from a biological sample, the question of ‘ownership’ changes. Steve Jurvetson, CC BY

Another striking feature of genetic data is that once it’s been extracted from a physical sample it can be used in many places at once. 23andMe can have my genetic data and use it for research; I may also have it and use it in as many third-party sites as I choose. In a legal sense, the genetic data can be thought of like other informational or intellectual property: Its consumption is “non-rivalrous,” meaning one person’s use does not interfere with another’s.

These features make genetic data different from physical property, which typically can’t be used by many people at once and may be exhausted over time. People often overlook that the bundle of property rights that could be considered for a physical specimen of DNA – a sample of spit or the DNA molecules extracted from it – are different than those of a genetic data file. Legal precedent holds that individuals do not have property rights in their biospecimens. Potential ownership of personal genetic data, however, is really only now beginning to be tested in the courts.

Regardless of ownership questions, it’s difficult to maintain control of how genetic data is used in the distributed system of DTC genetic testing and third-party tools. Joseph DeAngelo didn’t submit his sample to a DTC company or upload his data to a third-party site. Instead, law enforcement used abandoned material to generate a genetic data file in the same format that one would download from a DTC company. But some of his more distant relatives apparently did do DTC testing. DeAngelo didn’t upload his genetic data to GEDMatch – investigators did – but some of his relatives uploaded theirs, allowing police to eventually trace their way to him.

Leaping before looking

What genetic and personal information are people exposing when they upload it to third-party sites? There is no blanket answer, as these tools differ markedly in what they offer and what they do behind the screen.

The bottom line is that third-party interpretation websites are a heterogeneous bunch. Most lack the large legal teams and technical management systems of the major DTC companies. And currently there’s not a clear regulatory framework for third-party tools. Indeed, many of the developers view their activities as simply connecting users to pre-existing genetic annotation sources and therefore not warranting stricter government oversight. The lack of regulatory clarity largely leaves it to individuals to do their due diligence before using any of these tools and services. We as a society are learning the hard way. When we aren’t paying (much) for a service, we and our data are the product.

Sarah Catherine Nelson does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.

[lamcongliemme]

Adventure contributor

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