#steady income..... crying and throwing upppppppp

[yutadori]

anyway i think i'm going to give the tutoring job a try.... i was able to be crazy and talk about it in therapy yesterday and it was really relieving to be able to verbally express all of it.... my therapist was sooo sweet, at one point she was about to ask me a question but then she was like "wait wait sorry i'm impatient - " and i was confused for a second because she usually never says that and she was like "so do you know if you got the job???" and i was like ohhhh lol um yeas . i think . and she was soooo happy for me it was so cute she's so nice to meee )': but yeah i think i got it ? i was given the paperwork and everything... and at the end the coordinator shook my hand and told me she was looking forward to working with me 0: i guess it's more up to me from this point on whether i want to stay and that'll depend on how training goes.... i really hope i don't get insanely afraid and opt out because of anxiety u__u i think i have a few external factors / pressures (?) that will force me to tough it out, like how my professor is the one who recommended me and everything....

i think now that the anxiety has mostly passed.... i think i feel excited?? i'm also honestly quite happy about the fact that my professor believes in me ?? and thinks i'm smart??? or at least, skilled in english / writing???????? like that's so crazy sorry i'm still not over that i really haven't been able to completely grasp that . like that's CRAZY . that's soooo crazy what the hell . like what do you mean a cool nice smart adult who i just met in february thinks I'M smart?????? that's crazy . that's so crazy . like i'm so used to the adults in my life like my family + older relatives thinking nothing of me / thinking i'm dumb as hell but like . he thinks i'm smart???? wtf.... he thinks I'M capable of HELPING other people in their education???? wha.... what do you mean.....

idk it's nice . it's so nice actually . it's weird to say it but it makes me really happy..... to be recognized and acknowledged like this.... even if it ends up not working out, he still recommended me which means something.... gwah.... anyway . a part of me is still anxious of course and i'm definitely going to try not to let this get to my head and instead let it serve as something to look to and hold on to when i'm lacking confidence in myself. i definitely have a lot to learn in regards to english and writing and i'm really looking forward to doing more reading and learning... i might have to look up foundational english grammar shiet like clauses or whatever because i did not fucking pay attention in english in 4th grade lol