#started journaling just to try to verbalize my thoughts in a private space
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Not a writer not a talker but a secret third thing(terrified my thoughts will never properly come out and worried about offending everyone I love by miscommunication)
#mine#but i am working on it#started journaling just to try to verbalize my thoughts in a private space#and see if that helps me work through my feelings somehow#and definitely trying to communicate better
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hello, I just joined the system last night and I'm having trouble...connecting? communication between me and my headmates is hard, and I'm almost afraid to try to fix it- I know it's probably irrational, but I'm a little afraid they won't like me. I have enough access to things to function alright outwardly, which is good, but inwardly I'm not sure exactly what's happening.
do you have any suggestions? also, is it normal for a brand-new headmate to have trouble communicating and/or be frontstuck for a while? (I've been in front since I formed)
you don't have to answer, but thanks in advance :)
Being new is hard, and it can often cause rifts in communication I would not say it’s uncommon, getting used to the others takes awhile. Just remember that they’re with you on this, they may need to warm up to you at first, but forming a good relationship between headmates is key to healthy multiplicity. Our new headmates are a little front sticky too since that is how we perceive them, so I would not worry too much. -♟
Having new headmates is different for everyone! Something that helps us if we're nervous about direct communication is leaving a journal/notebook/google doc/private discord server for system members to leave notes in for other folks to see later. And it's absolutely normal to have trouble communicating if you're new! One of our headmates was non-verbal for a while and still is very often in headspace. Just remember that plurality is different for everyone, and there's no wrong way to navigate being a system. Something that helps us when someone is frontstuck is having another headmates hang out in front with them, just to keep em company. It helps with the panic we sometimes get from it, and we get to distract ourselves with a nice conversation or shared activity :] -🌉
That happens a lot to us! We have some generally newer headmates who only split recently stuck in front right now actually! So from us, let us reassure you that that's normal and alright! Even if it wasn't, your experiences are valid nonetheless. We advise engaging with things other headmates may like to see if you like them as well, or to lure them to front so they can help you! In the process, you may find something you like that's different as well, so that's cool :D And as mod Maws said, we also have some kind of space for newer headmates to check out and write their thoughts in. It's really helpful for getting a grasp on what they may need, or what they may be like, and to let other members know that you're there ^^ As well as some resources that offer some starting places like picrew links, pronoun help, name help, and grounding activities if needed!
Good luck new person! We hope your adjustment to the system runs smoothly ^^ -🌩
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Hostage - Jack Eichel | Buffalo Sabres
a/n: Sooooo I took too long to finish this piece, I'm kinda happy with what it turned out and I hope you guys like it. Again, a huge shout out to Naty who proofreaded everything, thank you @tsarinablogs !!! ❤️
word count: 3.5k
warnings: cursing; mention of toxic relationships.
note2: there is a note at the end of the piece. Please read it!! :) thanks. Oh- and you guys can read it listening to Hostage by Billie Eilish or Figures by Jessie Reyez.
Prompt: #11 ”we’re not just friends, and you known it!”
Do you know the line of really good friends but not enough to become best friends? Well, this line was something between Y/n and Jack. They were introduced to each other by a mutual friend and since day one they got along pretty well. He was funny and so was she. As time went by, the hangouts started to involve only the two of them, Jack always stopping by her house to talk, y/n always waiting to have dinner with him and so on. Maybe being able to draw the line was the main reason why Jack suggested what he did and why y/n accepted it. She liked him, more than a friend, but they were not close enough to become best friends and so things wouldn’t be messy if the deal did not work.
“How was he?” Jack asks while sipping his juice and looking at the TV screen. “I don’t know, he was ok, I mean we liked each other, but there wasn’t this kind of chemistry.” She murmurs, trying to bring back the memories of her first boyfriend. The topic was caused by a scene of the movie about two best friends becoming each other’s first relationship.
“Do I look like him?” he asks out of the blue, and she adjusts herself, trying to take a better look at his face as he fails to hide the thoughtfulness in his eyes.
“Why do you want to know?”
“I don’t know..just thinking if maybe you have a type” Jack jokes and y/n puffs the air out of her lungs, while drawing one of her fingers to his face to trail the sharp of his jawline. This close, looking from this angle, laying just like this, he looked like one of the many busts she was studying last week. So methodicly sculptured, sharp jaw, perfect mouth, like it was a work of art with so much mathematics involved, chasing perfection.
But the thing is: Jack wasn’t a sculpture at all. He was a human being and taking into consideration her beliefs his face was not created by science.
“He had short hair…,” it passes through her lips while still tracing his features, “the kind you can’t even thread through your fingers. And he wasn’t as funny, but he was loud and I thought it was sweet. He wasn’t into arts or movies in general, but, still, I liked him.”
“So, we’re pretty much different…” he concludes and she shakes her head.
“Even if he had your height, or identical hair, or eyes, you guys would never ever look alike.” Her voice was abruptly deep.
“He had zero empathy with my feelings…” she confesses, it took her so long to realize it, took many breakups until she realized the blame wasn’t on her. “I don’t know how to describe the way he made me feel guilty about my own decisions and…” Jack could not do the same, right?
In fact, she felt deeper when it came to Jack, and so it could indicate that once he hurt her, it would be way worse, but he would not, right?
The hockey player did not press her to keep talking, actually, he didn’t want to talk about the subject, didn’t want to imagine someone as good as y/n being hurt, so he just started curling a random strand of her hair on his finger and shifting his attention back to the TV.
…
It comes as no surprise that y/n was friends with almost the whole Buffalo Sabres’ team, she would go to every possible game and be able to talk about anything with them. So when they won and went to celebrate, of course she was there, excited to hug all of her friends and make some sassy comments about their game.
“Wayne!!!!!” y/n squeals to the tall black man in front of her. “That pass was amazing, damn!”
“You liked it?! Sam almost killed me, saying it was a dangerous move, ugh” he engulfs her small body in his large frame.
“It was not that bad, but mine was better..” Dominik stumbled in the talk putting his arm around y/n’s shoulders.
“Dom!!! Your game was not that bad today” she jokes standing in her tiptoes to give him a kiss in the cheek.
“What an insane game, I don’t know if I can celebrate properly, there’s so much adrenaline still…” he says while leaning in the bar bringing his friend’s body with.
“Ooooh, baby’s want to go home?!” Wayne pokes his side and the three of them laugh.
“By the way, where’s Jack?” y/n asks, already missing his curls and sense of humor.
She’s not the type of person who gets attached in a way that creates codependency, usually, she’s chill, but somehow with Jack, there’s this constant desire of being close, hold hands, hear his voice or at least know he’s thinking about her too.
But it’s not something she verbalizes, it’s one of the many things she keeps to herself, scared of scaring him, she prefers to let her feelings eat her inside than share it with him and create the slight possibility of an end of their affair.
“Hmmm...he’s...I think…” Waynes seems a little stressed to answer and when Dominik squeezes her shoulders she knows something is wrong. “What’s up, guys?”
Y/n turns to the left-winger player holding her and before she could press him to say something, there’s a loud commotion on one table close to them. The table of the players. The table where Jack just arrived with a girl hanging by his side.
He’s holding her by the waist, hands a little bit lower and bodies too close together. There’s this flush on his cheeks matching the visible bruise in his neck, none of them are from the game and y/n knows it the second her eyes caught it.
“Oh-” it’s the only sound she is able to make even though she wanted to say to both boys around her that it was okay, that her and Jack were just friends who sometimes happens to kiss and have sex, and share movie nights, and hold hands at private parties, and sleep together when the night feels lonely. Nothing more, just friends after all.
“Just ignore him, sweetheart” Wayne is not trying to defend his friend and it shows.
Her eyelids feel heavy and her breath caught in her throat like she just swallowed the slice of lemon in her cup. When it feels like her knees are giving it, the drink is not to blame this time.
“I’m okay” she whispers.
She can almost hear the voice of her girlfriends, telling her to let Jack go.
Oh, but boy, was she a stubborn girl.
The trio keeps talking and eventually, some other players and their girlfriends join the conversation. Jack and the girl make out for a few minutes and when he leaves the table to get a drink on the bar, he just smiles at y/n like nothing ever happened.
That night, unlike Jack, she went home alone and cried herself to sleep.
…
It was a Thursday afternoon, one week after the club incident, she had just arrived from class and was filling in her bullet journal, before taking a bath and starting to do her work. Today was a productive day, easily so, her mind was not focused on thinking about Jack or trying to figure out how to talk to him, what to tell him and how hurt she was. Y/n and Clarice, her best friend, went to study at the library. And being the social butterfly that she was, Clarice invited some other friends, one of them was this brunette boy from one of her classes and for the first time they talked about things other than university and due dates. He was a pretty nice guy and they exchanged numbers at the end of the study session.
Even though she had to constantly brush Jack off her mind, it was actually nice to enjoy someone else’s company and feel wanted.
The knocks on her door startled her and y/n left the bedroom, walking straight to the living room, asking herself who it could be.
“Eichel?” she furrowed her brows. It’s like someone punched her right into the chest and for some seconds the air seems far away from her body.
“Hey, I was just a little worried, you didn’t text me or anything…” he rocks back and forth in his heels a little stunned since she didn’t give space to him to get inside.
“I was...busy” the words ‘I’m sorry’ almost slipped through her lips.
“You’re free now?” he furrows his brows and y/n sighs lowly. “I actually got some stuff from university to do...if you don’t mind” the last part is said once his face drops a little. No one would have noticed, but she did because she knew his features like no one else.
“I don’t...I could use some Netflix and chill and keep you company?!” his lips are stretched into a small smile, the one he usually does when he’s suggesting something and he’s not sure the person is open to it. The one he does every time he fucks up, like he did the other week. The one that usually comes with the big blue eyes staring deep into her soul. The one that always is able to make her give up.
And this time is no different.
She steps aside giving him room to get inside.
“I’ll be in my room, I need some silence to work on this assignment” it’s her best strategy to avoid him or at least be able to have some minutes of productivity.
“Oh, I’ll be on my phone then,” he smiles, big this time. “You won’t even notice I’m in the same room.” he tries for a light joke but somehow it punches her right in the gut.
It was impossible for him to go unnoticed. At least in her world. He was so close to the center of it that sometimes she asked herself if he wasn’t the sun.
Well, in this solar system he was the sun and she was mercury, too close, almost melting, unable to receive others. He was the closest she could ever have and cold? She never felt it.
Jack made himself comfortable on her bed while she typed away on her laptop. Or tried to type away, because once or twice he would giggle to his cell phone or get up to get water or whatever.
“Can you please stop?!” she asked abruptly when it felt impossible to focus on her work.
“Sorryyyy” he smiles -big-, and turns his attention back to the phone.
After half an hour and three pages, she gets up to pee and stretches her body. Jack was engulfed by his phone, typing eagerly and too distracted to notice she was walking past. Well, who could blame him?! Probably, any other person in his situation would be distracted too, it’s not every time that his hookups are open to send nudes in the normal chat - usually, they would go for Snapchat or something like that.
“What the fuck?!” y/n stops in her tracks when her brain finally processes the image on the screen of his mobile. “Are you really sexting some random girl? In my house?!”
“I’m not sexting, we were talking and she happened to send a picture asking my opinion…”
“Of course, your opinion about how good her new bra looks!” her tone was angry covering how betrayed she felt.
‘Sis, he can’t even be named a cheater since you guys are not dating!’ this tiny voice inside her laughed at her feelings and remembered the bitter truth.
“Hey, it’s not a big deal, ok?!” he rolls his eyes, suppressing the little smile in the corner of his lips.
“It is a damn huge deal!” she almost screams. “You can’t be that blind, Jack!”
“About what? I try my best to listen to you and do as you like and-”
“Oh my fucking god!” she grunts. “How do you pay attention to my feelings and try your best to listen to me after what you did last week?! And oh! That shit happened two months ago too and oh! I almost forgot every time you came up with a new shit that leaves me heartbroken and guess what?! You don’t come to talk to me about it, because you don’t even try to pretend that you fucking care with my feelings!”
“Oh- what the hell, y/n?! What’s that outburst about?! Are you really fighting me like this because of a random nude?!” he left the bed, standing right in front of her. The phone forgotten on the mattress.
“You don’t even get it, Jack…” she mutters, lips quivering.
“Well, then tell me and I will. We’re friends, y/n, we’re not supposed to have this kind of miscommunication-”
“We’re not just friends and you know it!” her voice a few tenths louder.
“And we’re not a couple either and you know it!” his voice is lower. Almost like he knew how deep that sentence could cut her heart.
‘See?! I told you!’ her gut screams inside her head, her own heart being the target of pity and laughs inside her.
“Get out, Jack” y/n sights.
“I’m just being hones-”
“GET OUT!” she screams, tired of his voice, tired of his cold heart, tired of him and most of all tired of how he made her feel. One minute in the top of the world and the other so low that rock bottom wouldn’t even live up to how she really felt.
Jack did not try to talk, or hug her, or say that he was wrong, maybe sorry?! He did nothing besides grabbing his phone and leave her house.
The indifference kicking hard one more time in the same spot that was bruised: her heart.
…
It’s been two weeks, Jack was on a road trip with the team and since the incident, he gave no signal of wanting to talk. So there was Clarice trying to make y/n realize that she deserved a lot more than someone like him.
“...And it feels like he’s the sun sometimes. I just feel cold and heartbroken now, you know?” Y/n grumbles laying on her bed and facing the ceiling.
“WhAT?!”
Clarice’s tone startles y/n.
“What?” she asks back.
“You can never ever make someone or something the sun of your system. It’s too dangerous, don’t you see it?!”
She stays silent for some seconds trying to absorb her friend’s words.
“It’s not like I have a choice though…” the voice that left her mouth was a strangled one, hoarse from all the cry and scream-on-the-pillow-session.
“You do! We always do. We have a choice when we decide that we won’t take that bullshit anymore, we will focus on ourselves and nothing less. Nothing can be the center of your life, not an object, not a goal, not a person and even less so a relationship, cause once some of these things are gone?! You’re broken, too.”
Clarice gives her a sympathetic look before going for a hug, she knew that it was exactly what y/n was needing, to feel warm with anything other than Jack and eventually learn to feel it by herself.
“I thought he was different…” she whispers.
“We all do, sweetie, we all do…” Clarice runs her fingers under y/n’s eyes trying to stop for some seconds the tears from falling. “But there’s this singer I really like and she says that it’s not our job to be someone else Karma. It’s not your job to fix him, you can help him with that, but first?! First, you need to heal yourself, we can’t lift others if we are on the ground as well.”
Y/n took the rest of the day to rest and cry a fucking river, as Justin would say. Clarice was staying with her during the week since the two had a college assignment together and y/n could use some company. Especially if her company would make her laugh every possible time and help her with sad thoughts. Y/n spent more time with the boy from her class, Daniel and she was happy to receive all his memes and trash-talk always.
It was almost midnight and she was deep in reading an article from college when her phone buzzed.
A message from Dominik.
It was a picture of him holding a really colorful and big cup of drink. The team was probably celebrating one more win.
Dominik: guess the name of this drink?”
Dominik: I’m kidding, don’t.
Dominik: It’s actually ‘Y/N‘, you have the name of a drink here lol can you believe it?!”
She giggled with her friend’s drunkenness and opened the photo again. He had this big smile, the one that makes your eyes almost close and his cheeks were red probably from the alcohol. In the background of the photo, however, there was a well-known figure laced with a girl.
Jack was kissing her and y/n wasn’t even surprised. She was hurt.
He wasn’t different at all and she felt silly for believing it for so long.
…
At the end of the week, when the team just landed in the city, y/n received a message from Jack.
Jack: Hey, just landed. Missing you like crazyyyy.
Jack: Can I go to your place?
Jack: we’re cool right?!
She sighed.
Some days without him and she was able to realize how fucked up things have been.
She was considering a date with Daniel, her classmate, and hopefully this time Jack was not going to stop it, not like he did the other times when she tried to make the “not-exclusive” deal work for both of them. He would always show up at her house and keep her in her bed until it was too late to go out or say so much bullshit she would end up cancelling it.
y/n: Come over, I need to talk indeed.
She just started to realize she had been a hostage of a lot of things, college, some feelings from her childhood, her toxic family, etc. So it felt enough of playing the soft one if she was having the opportunity to stop being held against her will.
It was twenty minutes before the knock on her door.
He was there, smile in the corner of his lips, just like he would do after messing up. She was going to forgive him because she was trying to love herself enough and to carry hurt was a burden she was not going to put in her backpack. In fact, keep the bad feelings would only make it worse.
She smiled back, slightly, almost invisible. But he saw it, not because he knew her face as nobody did, but because he was paying attention like never before.
“I missed you,” he mumbles entering the apartment.
“I don’t wanna take too long, Jack. I just want to be honest with you.”
“If it is about th-”
“No. Please, let me...let me just finish ok?!”
“Yeah, go ahead” he nodded.
“I don’t want to see you anymore. Not while I’m trying to heal. You can’t keep using me like that, can’t keep acting like I don’t have feelings, acting like seeing you in doubt did not kill me inside. I love you! You’re my friend, Jack, and that’s even worse cause it feels like I’m losing you twice. Just let me go, stop making my feelings hostage.”
“I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know.” She sights. “But you did. And I’m sorry Jack, but looking at you right now – the only thing I can think of is that you look exactly like him…”
“Who?” he furrows his brows.
“My first boyfriend, the one I once told you would never look alike.”
“And you never told me why you thought we were so different…”
“Because he didn’t care about me. He didn’t love me as much as I did and still, he kept me, I guess maybe because of the feeling of possessing someone, maybe afraid of loneliness…Still, he kept me hostage for long enough and I’m not letting you do the same.”
She handed him a box with some of his stuff that was at her place.
It was the first step and it was a small one, but she was trying to leave the place and the people that made her feel worse.
She was a hostage of a lot of things, some feelings from her childhood, her toxic family, Jack, but one by one, she was going to break the chains. It was enough of hurt and sorrow and madness, if she could stop being held against her will, she would.
.
note3: during this time and because of some events I realized I don't feel 100% ok writing about Jack, I decided to finish and publish this one in respect to the anon who asked (and I replied saying it was ok). So yeah, there's nothing about him in my inbox anymore and I just want to let you guys know that :) thanks.
#jack eichel#jack eichel request#buffalo sabres#nhl writing#hockey imagine#nhl imagines#angst#lot of notes sorry#my moodboards#mels writing
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Bad at Words (a TodoDeku fanfic)
I’m not sure how someone so observant can be so dense. Izuku Midoriya, ranked fourth in our class, and the most emotionally intelligent person I know; is somehow completely blind when it comes to romantic interest. I suppose I can’t blame him too much; it did take me far too long to see that Yaoyarozu was hitting on me. But I’ve never been good at emotions, and Midoriya...Well Midoriya is so empathetic I’m surprised that isn’t his quirk. And yet, none of my actions are getting through to him. I supposed he’d just realized after the attack in Hosu that I always wanted to be there for him. Or that I cared enough to risk my life to save Bakugou, who I frankly don’t even like, just to make him feel better! But Midoriya would risk his life for anyone; so of course he didn’t see either of those as a declaration of romantic feelings!
There was a point where I didn’t even think to worry about this. No need for love or sex. I had no desire of any kind regarding another person. But looking at him as he sits there, playing games, laughing with our classmates, it opens something within me. Something I never thought I could feel... Something that even if I thought I could feel, I never thought I deserved! But Midoriya, he makes me feel like someone worthy of loving...even if it might not be his love in the end.
I’ve been dreading for so long having to start this talk, but I guess I have no choice. Unless, of course, I want to push down these emotions till I die; which is always an option... I’m not even sure if I was joking about that. No, I can’t just keep pushing it down, but I have no idea what to say to him... Oh well, I suppose I could at least try.
I walk over to him. He’s playing a game with Iida and Uraraka. His face so focused on the cards in his hand, I kind of feel bad disturbing him. But he recognizes my presence before I could even speak.
“Hey Todoroki! How are you?” Midoriya says so joyfully, so full of warmth. It still confuses me as to how he can be so kind to absolutely everyone.
“Midoriya, can we talk?” I say softly, hoping not to make a big deal about this. Especially not in front of Iida and Uraraka.
“Of course, Todoroki, what do you want to talk about?” Midoriya perks up with his usual bright smile. Somehow it still always seems to catch me off guard.
“I’d prefer this to be a more...private conversation.” I say plainly, trying to hide my nerves, hoping I’m not blushing right now.
“Oh sure! But can I finish this game first, though?” Midoriya looks at the cards in his hand, then at Iida and Uraraka. “It would be rude to leave when we’re almost done!” He has always been the considerate one.
“Yes, of course. I didn’t mean to interrupt you.” I was about to head to the couch to read for a bit, until I was interrupted by overly peppy sounding Uraraka.
“No, go ahead Deku, we can play later!” She piped up and looked at Iida, as if asking for confirmation.
“Indeed, this is the perfect excuse for a lunch break!” Iida stands up straight with a reassuring look.
“If you guys are sure…” Midoriya says, mild concern in his eyes.
“It’s fine, Deku!” Uraraka smiled brightly at us.
“We are fine, Midoriya, please enjoy your conversation with Todoroki!” Iida smiles as well and pushes in his chair.
“Okay, we’ll see you later, and we can finish our game!” Midoriya looks so determined, like the mere idea of not finishing the game would dishonor him somehow.
“Go!” Uraraka urges him, and at the moment I’m very thankful for her slightly abrasive self.
“My room okay with you?” Midoriya gets up and smiles at me before pushing in his chair.
“That’s fine.” While I’m not entirely thrilled at the prospect of being surrounded by the visage of my teacher/the father figure of the person I’m interested in, maybe I can at least use them as an excuse for being distracted if I can’t look Midoriya in the eye during this. We wave goodbye to our classmates and head over to his room.
Once there I take a moment to reacquaint myself with the space: the bright colored All Might bed sheets, the collection of journals filled to the brim with in depth hero analysis, the practically hundreds of figurines, only rivaled by the number of notes scattered about the room. Every single detail is absolutely vivid with Midoriya’s spirit. It’s intimidating to say the least. Midoriya’s face turns a light shade of pink, and he starts to pick up some of the papers off the floor.
“I’m sorry about all this, Todoroki, I could have sworn I cleaned up this morning!” He frantically picks up his pace. “Of course I didn’t really expect anyone to come visit my room today.” He places the papers on his desk. “So I guess it probably slipped my mind!” he proceeds to straighten up his bed sheets.
“Midoriya, you’re rambling again.” I say matter as factly, hoping to get him to calm down.
“Sorry! Would you like to sit down? You could sit on my bed, or use my computer chair or…” His gaze darts around the room as if unsure of how to handle the situation.
“I’ll be fine here, thank you” I sit down on the floor, staring up at the person before me. I try to keep calm as possible. If I look too uncomfortable, Midoriya will go deeper into his worry mode. And then I’ll be too distracted trying to calm him to think my words through. Though it’s already hard to focus watching him desperately try to sit comfortably on his bed.
“So what was it you wanted to talk about, Todoroki?” Midoriya asks, finally settling on sitting propped up on his legs, with a determined look on his face.
“Ah yes...I wanted to know how to become better at words.” His determined face falls, and turns to one of slight confusion.
“Oh I see...I’m not sure I’m really the one to ask about this.” His voice shakes nervously. “I’m not really the best at talking myself. Like you said, I ramble...A lot. And whenever a girl gets too close, I start to stutter uncontrollably! Then I get even less coherent in my ramblings... It almost feels like I swallowed my own brain and I’m trying to push it back out through my tongue!“ He’s spiraling again, getting more visually panicked by the sentence. “Like I’m doing now…” His cheeks turn bright pink, and his head falls in his hands. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk to Asu...Tsu about this? She’s much better at talking to people than I am!” I shake my head.
“You may not be the most graceful in your word choice, no.” I sigh, once again words have failed me, and my desire to communicate intent. “But I asked you because of your ability to connect to people with your words, not your ability to speak them with poise.“ His eyes widened at this.
“Do you really think so?” Midoriya sounded stunned. “That I have some way of words?”
“Midoriya...If you haven’t realized, your words are the only reason I’m here right now,” I say practically in disbelief; does he really have so little regard for himself that he can’t tell the effect he has on people?
“But Todoroki, you’re fine with words! I mean, you were able to say something as meaningful as that to me just now, weren’t you?” Midoriya smiles encouragingly.
“I think you’re sadly mistaken...” I shake my head. “My words were clear but my intentions were lost to you...as they often are.” I stare solemnly at the floor.
“Huh? ” Midoriya questions.
“When I confided to you and Iida about my fear of a hand crushing curse, you thought I was joking.” I say desperately trying to convey what needs to be understood; my eyes zeroing in on his scarred up hand. The hand he broke every bone in trying to get me to see my own self worth!
“Yeah, I’m still very sorry about that, Todoroki!” Midoriya laughs nervously and grabs onto his scarred up hand. He might have noticed me staring. “It’s just, neither of us thought you did anything wrong. So it was hard to take that as a serious issue.” He sighs embarrassed and gives me a nervous smile.
“When you were in the hospital, after the training camp attack, I tried to empathize with your feelings. I tried to understand your distraught feelings over how Bakugou was missing, and all I ended up doing was upsetting you further by saying the wrong thing.” As the concern on Midoriya’s face grows, it hits me just how drained I feel because of my slew of verbal failures.
“Todoroki...” Midoriya’s voice is soft and comforting.
“I want you to understand how much I worry about hurting you!” I blurt out a bit too loud, and regret it immediately. “The thought of physically hurting you scares me...” His expression looks pained and wide eyed. “...and the thought of scaring you away with my words is horrifying!” Midoriya comes down from his bed and sits at my side on the floor.
“But Todoroki, friends accidentally hurt each other sometimes.” Midoriya is calm and his voice is soothing. “You don’t really have to worry about how to speak better to me if that’s all you’re worried about. I’m not going anywhere.” He grasps my hand softly, and squeezes gently. His calluses and scars feel odd against my skin; not in a bad way, just odd.
“But you never have…” I stare deeply in his eyes. “You have never hurt me, Midoriya.” Please Midoriya, please know what I mean.
“But in the tournament I...I pried so deeply into your personal life!” He solemnly removes his hand from mine. Midoriya looks so sad-- this must be corrected!
“You cut me to my core and set everything free!” I cut him off, and just stared into his confused gaze “It was...something…” Damn, I wish I knew how to say what I want to say. “I can’t say it wasn't painful, but you didn’t hurt me!” His gaze still looks confused, but now tinged with pain. I grasp his hands, so calloused and scarred, yet so beautiful. “I...Midoriya…” all words escape me. I feel like my voice and brain have been stolen from me. I can feel my eyes brimming with tears. “Todoroki? What’s wrong?” All the pain in Midoriya’s eyes turns to concern...for me. Because of me… I can feel the tears start to fall down my cheeks “Todoroki you’re crying!” I see the concern turn to panic on his face. The stress and fear is getting too much to bear, my control of my quirk is slipping. I feel flames and ice bursting from me and lingering on my shoulders like weights. “Todoroki, tell me what’s wrong!” Midoriya begs of me. I want to explain all this away, but I can’t do it...not the way I want to! But looking at Midoriya through tear stained eyes, I know I might have to anyway.
“I’m...I’ve fallen in love with you!” My breathing is heavy, my flames extinguish, my ice melts, but the tears persist.
“Todoroki? Y-You’re in love w-with m-m-me?” As he stutters those words, my heart starts to pound heavily in my chest; as if it wants to remind me of the weight of what I just said.
“I didn’t want to be, I didn’t even realize what it was at first…” I wipe the frozen tears from my right side, letting the heat take care of the ones on the left. “But the longer we’d been friends the more I realized what it was.” I gaze into Midoriya’s eyes. “When I realized, I tried showing you how I felt through actions, but you never realized my intent…” I can’t read his expression; it’s too lost in thought. “I understand if you don’t feel the same way, but I had to tell you…” I can’t help but fear his response. I brace myself for rejection.
“I’m so sorry, Todoroki.” Midoriya pulls me into a tight hug. It’s warm and soothing as my heart sinks in my chest. It’s just like Midoriya to soften a blow like this with kindness.
“I understand, I will respect your disinterest… Just please allow me to keep being your friend.” It’s over. At least I know I can start to move on. Midoriya then lets go of me and puts his hands on my shoulders, gripped tightly. He looks right into my eyes with an impenetrable gaze.
“I’m not disinterested though!” I look at him confused. It feels as if my heart has stopped. “I’m just sorry I didn’t notice what you meant by your actions! I’m sorry you went through all that pain over me! But I’m not sorry you love me!” He pulls me tight into another hug, this time squeezing tighter. He rests his head on my shoulder, his cheek almost pressed to mine. “Whenever I thought someone like you could possibly like someone like me, I convinced myself I was overthinking everything.” I’m at a loss for words, frozen in his arms. “I love you, Todoroki.”
“Shoto…If you mean that, please call me Shoto.” I hesitantly said softly into his ear, unsure of what else I could do in that moment.
“Then you have to call me Izuku.” As Izuku gently laughs out these words, everything feels a little lighter. I pull back slightly to look him in the eyes.
“I love you, Izuku.” I smile at him before pulling back into the hug. I wrap my arms so tightly around him, holding onto him as if I were holding onto this very moment in time.
“I love you too, Shoto,” he whispered sweetly in my ear. And with those words, Izuku Midoriya managed to once again (and probably not for the last time), change my world for the better.
#tododeku#izuku x shoto#Izuku Midoriya x Shoto Todoroki#shoto todoroki#izuku mydoria#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#BNHA
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On Me: Background
I grew up Southern Baptist, in a family as devout as you can imagine for one that lives in the Bible Belt. My family is conservative, Republican, and completely devoted to upholding the infallible Word of God. I was taught to be reverent towards God and his holiness. I was taught not to question the Almighty Creator of the Universe, that he is omniscient and all-powerful, and that my soul would be doomed to hell if I did not follow the teachings of Jesus. I was taught to be a perfect Christian, and this is my story:
Through my life I had brief flirtations with the idea that there is no God, with the earliest of these taking place during my childhood. As we all know, you are either a dinosaur kid or a space kid, and I was unashamedly a dinosaur kid. People who know me now might be surprised to hear me say that, seeing as how I’ve done a 180 to become a space adult, but I happened to miss the golden age of paleontology by a few decades, and decided to move on like any smart person would.
Now, in being a dinosaur kid, I had lots of dinosaur toys, dinosaur movies, and dinosaur books. Not one of these resources ever mentioned God, though they always mentioned “millions of years of evolution.” It never occurred to child-me that by accepting that dinosaurs evolved into birds, and we humans evolved from early mammals, that I would be contradicting the beliefs of Christianity that I had so faithfully adhered to for my short, vulnerable life. No one ever really corrected me, but I eventually discovered that “the theory of evolution” was considered a big no-no by Christians, and so I shrugged my shoulders and decided to deal with that later.
My second flirtation with the idea of a Godless universe came much later: High School. By that time I had mastered the art of being a model Christian. I went to church every Sunday, I went to Sunday School, I attended youth events even though I despised socializing, I joined every Christian club in my school, and I focused every single one of my insignificant crushes on Christians. It was when I took my advanced biology course that I once more began to question the existence of God.
My class held a series of mock-debates, and I found myself intrigued by the arguments the obviously non-Christian views gave: pro-abortion, pro-evolution, and separation of church and state. My Christian friends were disgusted by the Christian-opposing views, but I saw the validity in all of them. How can we say that a blastocyst has a soul, when a soul is not a thing we can empirically measure? How ridiculous can we make our Creationist explanations for the progression of species in the fossil record before we sound like we’re trying to yet again convince people that the earth is flat? Why should we force Christianity in public schools when we have so many people practicing non-Christian faiths attending these schools? However, the strong opinions of my friends and family forced me to once again file these thoughts away to be examined at a later date.
By the time I got to college, all of these thoughts were starting to gain the momentum that would eventually urge me to agnosticism. The college I attended was a small, private, Baptist, liberal arts university, and had I attended a public university, or even a non-Christian university, I would have no doubt found my agnosticism sooner, but I would most likely hold a vicious animosity towards Christianity.
Just to give a bit more depth to the following paragraphs, let me outline my belief system from my first day of my Freshman year of college:
There is one God, the God of the Holy Bible, omniscient, all-powerful, etc, etc
Jesus is God incarnate, he died for the sins of humanity and rose on the third day then ascended into heaven to sit at the right hand of God, and He will come again to take His saints to the promised paradise that is Heaven
God exists in a trinity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit
God created the universe from nothing, and from the universe He created every living thing as it exists today. There is no evolution from one species into another, and such speciation is a myth of Science
Those who were not chosen by God as one of His saints will spend an eternity of agony in Hell, alongside Satan and his demons, because they all trespassed against God
The saints are predetermined by God, and there is nothing any man can do to gain favor with God; You are either chosen or condemned
It is the sacred duty of each believer to take the Gospel to the four corners of the world, to tell every nation the things God has done and the things He will do, and in telling the Gospel to them you open the door for them to be chosen by God to be one of His saints
I’m sure there’s more that could be relevant, but I think that about sums up the whole of it regarding major theologies.
There were three main steps in my abandonment of Christianity:
Disillusionment with Christians: My disillusionment with Christians began my Freshman year of college. This being a Christian-affiliated school, I came across individuals who hailed from all corners of both Catholic and Protestant denominations. My favorites of these individuals were those who only scarcely acknowledged their faith and adherence to doctrine. I quietly despised those who were so extreme in their beliefs that they verbally and emotionally assaulted any and all who questioned them. More often than not, I kept my opinions to myself, and I saw many who I had befriended be tortuously beat down by theology and threats of eternal damnation. Naturally, queer individuals got the worst of it.I continuously thought to myself: what God would want this for his creations? What God would condone such abuse? How could this be holy and righteous?
Disillusionment with Christian Theology: My disillusionment with Christian Theology soon followed my disillusionment with Christians themselves. Naturally, I had started to question the fabric of my faith at this point: Who is God? What does God want from us? What is our purpose? Why would God choose some to revel in salvation but choose others to suffer in damnation? These questions tortured me for a while, and by my Junior Year of college, I enrolled in a class that would prove to be the final test of my faith: Science and Religion.
Rejecting the Faith: The Science and Religion class I took gave me the opportunity to openly question religion and its claims against science. Ultimately, my faith crumbled away and my inner nature showed itself to the world. I have always been empirically minded, since high school and even since my childhood, but I never had the chance to consider what that meant for my belief system. And finally, when the opportunity presented itself, I laid everything out on the table.
My conclusion: there is no empirical evidence for the existence of God, but just as it cannot be proven that God does exist, it also cannot be proven that God does not exist. I stumbled into agnosticism and found myself very comfortable where I had landed. No longer will I walk by faith, but from now on I will walk by sight. That is simply how I work, and I now find myself comfortably settled in the world.
In the fullness of my rejection of Christianity, I had somehow become the leader of one of the Christian Clubs on campus. I should have taken that moment to run for the hills, but due to all sorts of other pressures, I had something to prove. I stuck it out, playing the part, acting as an advocate for Christ and all that hoopla. It was torture. I somehow made it out of all that sane with a BS in Biology, so yay me!
This is obviously the abridged version of my religious and intellectual background, but I believe it serves as a good basis for what this blog/journal is to become. I have many topics to write on, most of them already fleshed out, others that are a bit more nebulous than concrete. I am also open to suggested topics, if for some reason this blog ends up with followers, so if you are a follower (where did you come from???) then feel free to invade my inbox and leave a question or comment or insult.
Thanks for reading, if there are any readers out there.
A
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What is the average cost of teenage car insurance in illinois?
What is the average cost of teenage car insurance in illinois?
I am a 16 year old girl. I am getting a car for christmas. We are looking for a Honda Civic or Honda Accord, probably around a year 2000 or so. I get good grades, mostly A s. I am a girl. I need to know pretty fast how much this is going to cost a month. Thanks.
BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :COVERAGE-FINDER.NET
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March 25
8:23 PM
I’m not sure if anyone’s ever reading this. This is supposed to be a private place where I can just share anything that I want to share. But since you’re here, maybe you’re someone I trust, or you’re a friend of mine who’s concerned about what’s going on. Or maybe you’re bored that you just want to check out what’s up. I used to blog stuff that I can share to other people, but this time it’s going to be most about me. Of course, it’s something that I’m required to do.
Anyway, here’s what’s going on. In 2 weeks, I’m having my first appointment to a new psychiatrist that my friend Ian suggested to me.
As I’ve already shared before, I was diagnosed with GAD last 2015 when I really got physically sick. I had an intermittent fever for 5 consecutive days. The doctors thought it was dengue. They got me checked, but my platelet count was normal. They found my WBC very low that it pertained to a viral infection. But the doctors doubted it because I only had fever as a sign by that time. After that, I shared about the weird dreams that I had. After hearing my story, they discharged me from the ER with no final diagnosis and referred me to the hospital psychiatrist.
Basically, I had really bad dreams even when I was fully awake (as in conscious of reality but couldn’t get the dream outside my head). The dream wouldn’t go away unless someone talks to me and distracts me from it. Mostly, all of those dreams would be something that came out of nothing to something weird into something telling me that everything is my fault (ex: raining poop in planet Earth and it happened because of me; commanding voices to kill my mom because it’s all what I wanted to do in the first place, because I’m a terrible daughter).
From those dreams, the doctor evaluated me and led me to that diagnosis. It’s a totally treatable condition, although they told me I needed to undergo sessions of psychotherapy because my mom refused to have me take long-term anxiolytics.
Well, the therapy didn’t happen. We weren’t fundamentally aware that such conditions exist at the time, and we didn’t have enough money for long-term treatments. We also didn’t really take it seriously as the dreams started to subside day by day and the fever went away with it. I was able to function again as how I used to be, although there would really be times when I didn’t want to go outside and just spend my day indoors with people I trust, with people who I knew accepted me and loved me for who I am.
So much about what happened 3 years ago, I’m starting this journal once again since I’m going to that new psych next week. Well, you see, it’s been pretty hard for me to take these past few months. Given the emotional stress and challenges that our family has been facing (my dad refusing to get a job, my mom working full-time and losing her identity from trying to prove herself to my dad that she can work, and the both of them not talking to each other for months now), I’m starting to lose control over my decision-making. I have been super forgetful that I went from having trouble recalling what I ate in the past day to forgetting to brush my teeth for 2 consecutive days. I started to space out a lot and stare unconsciously into things and people (which scared them a lot). I have lost weight and have been constipated for a month now for some idk reason. I get irritated very easily, and I’d always overthink about what people think of me that I have to come up to each person who I thought was annoyed at me and apologize.
It’s hard to feel like you mess things up all the time. It’s hard to be in a situation where you always feel like you’re stuck and you have nowhere to go, and it sucks that people around you have no idea about what’s going on. And what sucks more is that feeling helpless still makes you feel like it’s your fault. The fact that you annoy people from the constant reassurance that you need to free yourself up from the suffocating feeling of being a dreadful person makes it so hard to bear.
Because of all of this, I’m going to write how I feel today. Well, I was told that diary helps the psych get to have a good grasp about your feelings when you have a hard time verbalizing during consults. I’m not sure if anyone’s ever reading this, but if you are here by accident, please don’t let me know that you were here. I just really want to have a safe space where I can express what I want to say, without making me feel bad about myself.
So, yeah.
I had a really great time today.
I was at church, and I was with people who I genuinely love.
I knew I was around people who care for me and who would lay down their lives for me (that’s how much we love each other). But what I don’t really quite understand is how some of the sisters in the church, especially those who were a lot older than me ignore me just because they aren’t close with me. They’re not supposed to be like that because it’s God’s command --- to encourage one another as long as it is called today. I really want to be the first person to initiate conversations, but man how hard it is for me to do that these past few weeks.
As most people know, I serve in the ushering ministry. I meet a lot of people and I get to hug and greet everyone who walked past the floodgates of the church. But ever since I took a break just to be able to show my love to everyone (since we’re limited to talking to people for a long time because of our own designated posts), it seemed to feel like it’s not my job anymore. Maybe from that point on, it made it hard for me to initiate conversations. Maybe I was used to standing in the door and just say plain “Good mornings” and “Welcome’s” to everyone. Whatever it might be, I don’t like the feeling it gives me.
I also just had bumps with my sister (again). I really don’t like it when she talks back to me when I’m correcting something wrong that she’s done. She’d always make it about me when I’m talking about her, and I feel disrespected.
My mom is not here. She’s at work, and I really don’t know how I’m supposed to feel that she didn’t come to church with us today when she told me she’s going to leave work to go with us. I miss my mom a lot, but looking at her and justifying herself for coming to work “because it’s for us” makes me sad. It’s not that I don’t want to meet my mom anymore, but more of avoiding the feeling of sadness so I don’t want to meet her yet. It’s so weird because I don’t want her to come home, but I’m also worried why she’s not home yet. Something may have happened to her in the way, and that’s really scary to think about.
My dad, on the other hand, made me super afraid earlier when he raised his voice to Dani to “clean her ears” after having to repeat what he’s said a couple of times to her. I really don’t like it when people raise their voices, especially when they could say it in a normal voice tone but exaggerates a lot. It makes my heart feel like it’s going to explode.
Despite of having a “good day” in general, I still feel like I could do something today. I thought of eating, but I’m saving up. So what about playing the uku? Well, I’m pretty tired so maybe I can play tomorrow. There’s a lot of things that I wanna do, but I can’t seem to figure out exactly what it is. I know that I don’t wanna sleep yet, but there’s this feeling in my heart that I have missed doing something that’s gonna make me feel complete once I do it. Maybe I’m just gonna read my Bible again (I wouldn’t have gone far for the day if not for it.)
Well, whatever it may be, I’ll figure it out one at a time. Maybe this is going to be it as of this time. I’m going to update my blog again the same time tomorrow.
I hope that you had a great day.
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