#started a new job in retail and my dad is thinking i should quit already bc im not a sales-y kind of person

[toxichem]

i created a cute new post divider that i might use between paragraphs, just for funsies. like para, icon, para, divider, para, so on and so on. tbd. im also keeping a tally of drafts/inbox, but tbh probably wont keep that for long

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Happy new year everyone 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I know 2020 has been hard for everyone.

And I want everyone to know, suffering isn't a contest and we all suffer in different ways. But I feel I should give my year in Review. Just some things that happened to me personally.

This was an intense, and long and spiritual and emotional journey for me...

I really discovered what it meant to have community, family and what my life means to me.

But I feel I need to get this in writing cause I can remember the year with vivid detail and I will probably forget if I don't get it down.

Do I have to share this publically online to my tumblr account for a bunch of strangers to see? not really.

Do I want to?

Yes. I think so. Just from how so many people on tumblr and real life have touched me.

This is kinda long and no one needs to read this.

(idk how to do a readmore on mobile. But this is where I would add it later. No one needs to read if they don't want to.)

January/February: (and some background on the last five years of my life cause.....well. it's important.)

As people knew, I got way into Invader Zim last summer. I spent most of my waking life working a dead end job at a grocery store. I lived a sad lonely life, going straight home to a single dark studio apartment. With not many material possessions outside of games, my laptop and my tablet to my name. Half of my material loves, such as home furnishings and books were still in boxes from when I moved in. In case I ever had to move again, or get some "big screenshot or copywriter" job in the city.

....

I lived in that city in the same dead end job and apartment for five years.

No friends. No social life. I often refused to make doctor appointments or attempt to establish myself in that city. I didn't even talk to anyone in my workplace.

Work. Go online. Go to sleep.

I lived like that for five years.

I thought it was good.

Even my therapist thought I was doing well.

When I really wasn't. My main character flaw I struggle with is motivation.

I can talk to someone about very detailed plans I have to fix a problem... But I tend to never follow through.

Just because I can describe in detail how to fix my personal problems, it doesn't mean I will do it.

(I have gotten better at this but it's a major struggle)

I might have been a Zombie during the day...

But by night I was pouring my soul into my AU and my analysis.

After being so thoughly ignored or overlooked by the Naruto fandom and the Undertale fandom, I felt like I had finally found my home and was settling into a community there.

I just loved that people loved what I had to say.

Especially my AU.

It's no secret that a lot of themes in my au revolve around found family, grief, and loss.......

Fatherhood, in particular.

What it means to be a father, how much do you need to try when you mess up, how willing should a child forgive their parent, especially those that have wronged you and how much of it is factually accurate and simply a self projection of what children want their parents to be and visa versa... What amount of forgiveness and change is nessasary...is it needed?

....

It's no secret that a lot of my AU is a giant coping mechanism for my Dad's death. Espessially the falling out and growing closer with a lot of my family members throughout the years following his death. (Most of the time I keep it ambiguous to how it relates to my personal life unless I include a readmore that states so outright. I feel my au can be enjoyed by a variety of people in the fandom who don't need to know me as a person or my life story.)

My Dad passed away in 2016 in February and my family still feels the aftershocks to this day.

It's part of the reason I moved to the city, alienated myself from my family and people that loved me and refused to experience life for five years.

My entire world was Zim, and I was okay.

March: When America finally realized and started to feel the effects of the pandemic....

A lot of people got scared.

Me included.

I didn't have any streaming services or access to the news. So I only heard accounts from my mom.

I didn't understand why the store was so dead quiet and empty for a few days, then it went into mass chaos and panic in the span of two days.

It felt like Retail black friday in the worst way. Everyone was packed like sardines. Everyone was yelling. The lines at the registers bled into the clothing department.

I was witness to customers shoving others for toilet paper, being rude to cashier's and just overall unpleasantness.

At the time, I didn't even fully grasp what the pandemic was, and I feel a lot of people at the time didn't either.

I ended up absentmindedly scratching my eyebrow in front of a customer and she screamed and villanised me for it. That they didn't want groceries touched by my "unclean hands"

I ended up breaking down into tears.

The customer behind me gave me a hug and told me I was doing a great job.

But the damage was done. It was the final straw, I couldn't stop crying and I was breaking apart.

Thankfully my Boss (the one who likes me) pulled me aside and asked what's wrong.

It was then that I quit. No notice. Same day. I had to get out of there.

I was planning to move to an apartment with my sister in the summer, but my Mom offered for me to move back in with her temperarily just so I can get out of the city and away from the pandemic.

So I did.

I got scared, broke my lease a month early and quit my job of five years that gave me nothing back.

He told me, "take care of yourself and your family, I won't keep you here, do what you need to do."

So I did.

April-June:

A very eventful few months.

My mom offered for me to live at her place, but for some reason she was acting like I would live there forever. That this wasn't a temporary arrangement, and that I didn't have an apartment set up already.

This was in large part to my sister, who had lived with my mom taking advantage of her for years.

Even though my sister and I were going to move in together, I was just never sure about it cause of how she never packed her stuff or made any effort to find a job.

My mom often acted like I was lazy and not searching and was treating me like... Well, an unruly teenager instead of a woman of 29 years. She acted like I was a failure for returning home when it was her idea in the first place.

I would have just been petrified in the city.

Like usual, I retreated to my au again.... And in the spring, something eventful happened.

In may, 8th 2020:

I was invited by @rissynicole to join an invader zim discord.

Now, I've never really used discord before. I always thought it's interface is too confusing.. and I'm a member of a few other iz discords and I usually don't follow them that closely.

Rissy assured me it was different cause some friends of thiers made it and it was smaller.

Before I knew it, I was sharing memes and getting to know everyone there.

It wasn't long after I invited my partner in IZ crimes, @paketdimensioncomic who was genuinely wary of iz servers due to a bad experience with the last one they were a part of.

But soon they were sharing memes and laughing with everyone else.

My eyes were starting to open and I was able to connect to fans of my work in an interpersonal way. And I was able to discover new artists and aus I never knew about.

I was also able to meet so many others of the community and invite them to the server myself.

The moo-ping 10 server kept me sane while I was living with my judgmental mother.

Not only that, the summer was very productive for my au.

Drawing was all I did, and it was a huge break from the job as a cashier I had.

Not only that, June came, and with it, me and Ceph's first collab fic:

A result of us just going back and forth in our DMs constantly about Professor Membrane and how he changed in ETF for the better and how much we adamantly stan "trying-to-be-a-good-dad-brane" and how much of his ETF development has to be implied off screen in order for the emotional resolution in the movie to matter.

The only reason I never professed my love for Membrane as a character in the fandom before the fic dropped was.... Well....

Membrane can be a decisive character in the fandom and I was so worried people would hate me if I did an analysis on him, simply because he's not the best parent in the world. (As an understatement)

Ceph and I really encouraged each other to scream our love for the science himbo loud and proud more frequently and so often.... I actually start to see less Membrane hate posts and breakdowns then their used to be.... I like to think it's a combination of Me and Ceph's influence, along with ETF and the Quarterly's painting Membrane in a slightly more nuanced light then he was previously.

I never wrote a collab fic before and it's such a rewarding and fun and unique experience that I don't think I'll ever have again. And I love working with Ceph on our fics so much.

So much so we did it again...

July-August:

I never thought I would be one of those people who writes NSFW IZ fic... But here I am.

The Brainbrane au started.... An au of my au where Membrane and the Computer fall in love and Membrane makes him a body.

This ship was based around the idea where we joked that Membrane and Zim's Computer would have funny interactions if they ever met, under the pretense Membrane thinks Computer is Zim's parent.

Our headcanons morphed and shifted until we just full blown started shipping them.

Just because Membrane and Zim's Computer have overall REALLY entertaining chemistry.

It's a character dynamic never seen in the show or comics (yet) and I imagine thier interactions to be nothing but entertaining banter.

The fic was also born from spite... Making fun of the troupes and cliches that we found personally destestible in some questionable zadr fics.

So an angry ace and a demi-bisexual collab on a porn and end up blessing the fandom with

Compapa headcanons,

Computer being recognized as a more common used fanon character,

The ship of Brainbrane.

The fandom having a crisis of "oh God, not only are we xenophiles we're technophiles too!!!" Or "why you gotta give Zim's Computer an ass"

More android Computer designs

It was an eventful summer.

In the midst of all this, I moved into my new place, got a new job, and I was able to see my friend (who is def my platonic straight soul mate) who lives in Indiana.

She came to visit, showed me how to decorate and how to take care of my body better! Things were looking up! It was great.

September-November:

My job was at a boat store. If was approaching the fall and my hours were being severely cut.

I was getting into a rut of depression again.

I thought things were changing but the same routine I was trying to escape from was the same thing coming back.

But instead of letting it take hold, I decided I was going to do something about it... I was gonna visit a museum and go with my sister. Just... variety stimulation.

Well that didn't happen.

I talked about this shortly in my au itself...but..

My sister had a complete mental breakdown.

She stopped taking her meds, went off the deep end and was in the hospital a total of five times throughout November.

A lot of it was acting out and the perfect storm of environmental factors that made her scream and act out so she would keep going back to the hospital.

It was traumatizing for me.

I just can't explain what it's like. For her and for me to be in that position.

I'm not telling the full story and a lot of bullshit things happened I won't share here.

She got diagnosed with bipolar one and my mom expected me to be a caretaker for her.

I threatened to disown my family and move away out of state.

It was just too much for me to handle.

So much I was a nervous wreck.

I tried to pick up a second job... Cause my sister was in the mental ward so frequently and couldn't pay the bills.

But I was fired within a week cause I was so stressed I couldn't retain the basic information they were training me for.

It was an office job.

My dream.

It could have been.

I was fired from something I really wanted.

I was only there for three days.

I could not retain any information.

I was a mess.

My sister was a trigger, my mom wanted me to live with her. I couldn't live like this.... I had to get out.

I had to get out.

December:

Remember my Indiana friend?

Well the first week of December is my birthday.

My 30th to be exact.

While I did pick up a seasonal position at Target (not my first pick)

I took the first week of December off so I could spend time with her. Cause she agreed, I needed a break from this crap.

Surviving 30 years is cause to celebrate and if I had to celebrate with my sister I would have cried.

I know there was a risk traveling out of state during a pandemic...

But I needed out, I needed a friend..

And I kinda wanted to look at the place since I was considering moving there.

My friend's mom was sick so she avoided me and her daughter and got us a hotel room.

It was fun! I got to swim in a salt water pool, we talked about Naruto, I showed her the iz and su art books I brought, also Computer and Membrane tea.

I also got to meet her other friends and get crunk. And her bf who is super nice and funny!

I had a super fun birthday....

Until her mom told my friend that her grandparents had covid and that was what she had. And my friend got sick within that same day.... As did I.

I owe so much to her family.

I was an entire state away...about a ten hour drive from home.... She let me stay at her house. "The covid house" we called it.

Cause everyone (except the father. He avoided everyone and booked a hotel immediately cus he was an ER doctor) had covid within a day.

I called in, the test results were positive and I had to stay with her family for ten days quarantine before I could work again.

Which would have been fine....

If my tumblr didn't log me out perminately of my old account. @dana-chan325 .... Which really sucked cause I had a constant headache and was too sick to engage with tumblr or much of the fandom. I didn't want to make a new account when my head was in a bad fog and I could barely breathe or smell.

It's not like I saw much of my friend either.... We all slept at different hours and she had more symptoms then I did.

It was just netflix, danganronpa v3 and cry.

I was miserable, but at the same time.... Not?

I really feel like God himself was the one who pulled me off from tumblr, and my living situation.

Maybe a whole extra week feeling like a bobblehead was what I needed.

It gave me some much needed clarity on my relationships with my mom and sis and friend.

Running away to Indiana was not the solution here.

Once I was better within ten days and no longer had a leave of absence, I drove home.

I am glad I fully recovered (but from how I understand it, my dear friend is still ill. I'm praying for her)

I might have gone to work a bit too soon, cause I had an asthma attack after trying to unload a single cart in the span of six hours.

My boss lectured that my speed was unacceptable, and even though I explained the covid situation and breathing problems many times, she threatened that I'd be fired if I'm that slow again.

Que the next few days of work where they put me on register.

Instantly I was sent into a panic remembering the last time I was on the register and how that panic attack caused me to quit.

I even asked if I could go back to stocking, since my breathing had improved. My boss assured me that I was put on the register cause they needed help and nothing to do with my covid thing.

Then as December concluded and the new year began, my boss said that this was the last shift for me cause my position was seasonal and they were letting a lot of people go.

I then asked why I was on the schedule for Sunday, and he told me to ignore it and I'm free to reapply for full-time.

I mean.... They can act smart about it...

But putting your general merchandise stocker onto register after she had an asthma attack and missed working the first two weeks of December due to covid.....

Not a good look.

So once again, I'm jobless once more.

Will probably continue to live with my sister for awhile.

But I do not feel as if it's a bad thing....

I met so many good people this year....

My friend's family even gave me 500 usd to cover my rent since I couldn't work for a majority of December.

I've seen evil and good from humanity this year. I've seen acts of god, good friends and what my real family means to me as well as friends I consider family.

This year really made me look back at the person in the mirror and say,

"I deserve better."

And actually worked for it this time.

Oh and after Christmas I got a horrible yeast infection that burns over most of my body currently.

Very accurate doodle to the pain I'm in right now.

(seriously my body is a fungus.)

But hey, good news, I respected myself enough to go to the doctor about it!!

So that's progress.

I really hope 2021 holds good things for me.

Thank you to the mooping 10 server for always being there and keeping me sane,

Thank you tumblr for liking my au and everything.

AND A SUPER SPECIAL THANK YOU TO @evartandadam and her family for housing me and my dumb diseased ass. Everyone, she is an angel and I can't express how much she means to me. Please check out her art and buy her stuff on redbubble.

Anyways... Byebye 2020.

I look forward to what I can accomplish for myself this year.

[saventhhaven]

Breaking and Entering

Pairing: None

Tags: scared!reader, tired!reader, awkward!Sam, baseball bat

Word Count: 1,528

A/N: Thanks to @spn-imagines-nation​ for the prompt!

(Gif not mine)

It had been a hellish day at work. After your eight-hour shift had turned into a twelve-hour shift, you were about two seconds away from quitting your job and becoming a stripper instead. Hell, that had been your backup plan for as long as you could remember, but lately, you were more serious than you ever had been. You couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. As soon as you got a raise at your full-time job, you were gone. Quite frankly, that day couldn't come soon enough. Even as part-time, retail was ridiculous. The number one rule was "the customer is always right," and they knew it, too. The especially difficult ones would come in with an un-returnable product and then throw a fit when you couldn't give them anything back for it. In your opinion, someone should put a law in place that forced everyone to work a retail job for at least a year. Maybe then you wouldn't be treated like shit so much.

You were exhausted when you got home - too exhausted even to eat, which was seriously saying something. As soon as you got back home, you had gone upstairs, taken off all clothes aside from your panties and bra, and collapsed into bed. Thankfully, it was a Friday night, and you had the next two days off. Your weekend plans consisted of sleeping from Saturday to Sunday if needed, and pretty much nothing else. That is until a noise from downstairs had your eyes popping open. Instantly, you were wide awake, despite your tiredness when you lay down. For years, your dad had nagged you about installing an alarm system in your house, but you never had seriously considered it, unfortunately. It would definitely come in handy right now.

As you reached over to grab your phone from your nightstand, your heart sunk in your chest. Seriously? Where the hell was it? Obviously, not where it usually was, but still, you couldn't believe your luck. You had to bite your tongue to keep from swearing as you remembered the location of your cellphone. Last night, you had plopped it down on a console table next to the front door with your keys. Peachy. If anything else happened, you were going to start thinking the misfortune of all those busty girls in the hoaky horror movies were for real. Here you were, alone in your house, in your underwear, and your phone was downstairs along with the intruder. Really, this was just perfect.

Swinging your legs over the side of your bed, you were careful not to let the floorboards creak beneath you. You were pretty much already toast, but even more so if you made any noise sneaking up on said intruder. It was moments like these that always made you question your life decisions. For example, not owning a gun, or even a FOID card, for that matter. No, instead, you were stuck with an old aluminum baseball bat from when you were in middle school. Not the worst weapon, in retrospect, but definitely not your first choice either.

As you padded down the (thankfully) carpeted stairs, you tried to keep your heart from beating too loudly, without much luck. At this rate, if your knees knocking together didn't give you away, your loud-ass heartbeat sure as hell would. You glanced around the corner of the wall at the bottom of the staircase, straining your eyes as you peered into the dark living room. The silhouette of a hulking figure moved around the back of your couch, facing away from you. You could tell by the build of the figure that he was a man, but what was he looking for? Too bad for him, it was going to be lights out before he found it. You reared up your bat above your shoulder, letting out a battle cry as you rushed him. Hearing you come up behind him, the man whirled around, ducking your makeshift weapon in the nick of time. You made a note to yourself: no battle cry in the future.

"Scumbucket!" you screeched, swinging the bat around wildly.

"Y/N, hey, it's me!" As the tall man dodged your strikes, something clicked in the back of your brain. You knew that voice.

“Sam?" As you finally realized who was in your home, you flicked on the light.

"Hi," he said with an awkward wave. Narrowing your eyes, you allowed the bat to fall to the floor with a loud clang.

"'Hi?'" You smacked him hard in the arm several times.

"Ow!" he exclaimed, backing away.

"You scared the shit out of me!" you hollered at him.

"Yeah, I can see that," he replied. He gestured to you, clearing his throat uncomfortably as he made an effort not to look. "Y-you... you're, ah..." You glanced down at yourself, half-surprised to see that you were still in your underwear. You had sort of forgotten about that part. Squeezing your eyes shut, you made a face as you shook your head.

"I just can't catch a break, can I?" you muttered. Sam reached for the pile of clean laundry you had been meaning to put away, snagging a shirt and pair of shorts.

"Here," he said, still not making eye contact. You smirked at him as you took the clothes, pulling them on.

"Oh, come on, Sam," you teased. "It's not anything you haven't seen before." The man went beet red.

"W-well, that's-" he stammered. "I-I mean, I-" You snorted.

"Relax. I'm kidding." Sam seemed relieved, letting his shoulders relax. "Listen," you started again. "Not that I'm not happy to see you - I am, seriously, I'm super glad you're not a burglar - but what are you doing here at..." Glancing at a clock on the wall, you sighed. "Four in the morning?" For the first time since he arrived, you got a good look at him, squinting in confusion at his apparel. "And why are you in your FBI gear?" Suddenly, it all clicked, and you held up a finger at him. "Oh, no. No. You did not come here and break into my house at the ass-crack of dawn, by the way, for a case!”

"Look, I'm sorry I scared you," Sam apologized, "but you were a huge help last time, and I could use a hand." You shook your head again as you began to pace. The last time you helped the Winchesters, things got ugly. Like, had to lay low for two months and move away ugly. Because of them, you had to totally uproot your life and start over, and that was something you were not doing again. But the last time you helped the Winchesters, you also saved lives. You helped people, you killed a bad guy, and the world had become a little better because of it. You couldn't just sit idly by knowing that more people might die if you didn't help out.

"And this case is in town?" Sam nodded.

"Yeah. It's the owner of that general goods store down the road." He laid a hand on your shoulder as he looked you in the eye, forcing you to come to a halt. Damn him. He knew you were a goner for those puppy-dog eyes. "I've gotta be honest with you here. It won't be easy, and I hate that I would be putting you in danger," he confessed. "But I can't do this by myself." You gnashed your teeth together.

"And your brother can't help you?"

"No," Sam replied. "He's in Oregon dealing with a poltergeist." You would be lying if you said you weren't at least a tiny bit intrigued.

"What is it?" you questioned. "Vengeful spirit? Ghoul?"

"Vampire," he answered, earning a surprised look.

"Vampire?” you echoed. "Huh. That's a new one." You had to admit, ever since the boys had left town, life had been painfully boring. "Damn it," you grumbled. With a final huff, you pushed his hand from your shoulder and headed toward the kitchen. "All right." You reached for the coffee pot. If you were going to do this at this hour, caffeine was a must.

"Does that mean..?" Sam asked, hopefully from the living room. You had to hide your eagerness as you turned back around to face him.

"Yeah, I'll help you." Instantly, he let out a breath of relief. "Get in here and give me the rundown before I change my mind and go back to bed." Seeming to call your bluff, he tilted his head, the hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

"Well, if it's really too much trouble, I can just go," he offered. As he turned to leave, you grabbed onto his wrist to keep him in place.

"All right, you got me," you revealed. "I'm weirdly excited. Things have been too... normal since you and your brother left." Sam chuckled. "Now sit your ass down while I make some coffee." Once the coffee began to percolate, you sat down across from the youngest Winchester at the kitchen table, allowing your enthusiasm to show in your eyes. "So. Tell me about our monster."

Thank you for reading! <3

As always, links to my masterlist, taglist, and inbox (requests are open!) are in my bio!

My Everythings:

@cole-winchester​ @alexwinchester23​ @1-am-made-of-stardust​ @thorukindig​ @fiftyshadesoffandom6783​ @hobby27​ @supernaturalenchanted​ @organicpurplepants​ @odysseyofasiren​ @defenderrosetyler​ @crystal-lilac​ @youshrimpdickfucknugget​

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Sixty Two

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

October 5th, 1992

“So...what exactly is a trust fund?” Emile asked, cocking his head to the side.

“It’s a bank account where your money can stay safe and sound until you can spend it as an adult,” his grandfather said. “When you’re twenty one, you’ll be able to use it for whatever you want.”

“That’s ten years from now!” Emile groaned. “That’s gonna take forever!”

“It will creep up on you faster than you think,” his grandfather said. “But your grandmother wanted to make sure you’d be responsible with the money, so that’s why you have to wait.”

Emile sighed. He understood, but he didn’t like it. “Does this mean Mom and Dad aren’t gonna give me an allowance any more?”

“I don’t think so!” his grandfather laughed. “After all, the money is of no use if you can’t exactly use it yet! They should still give you money you can use for whatever you want as an allowance.”

“Oh! That’s okay then,” and Emile ran off to finish the book he had been reading before his grandfather called him in to talk about Grandma’s will.

  May 3rd, 2002

Emile could hardly believe it. Today was his twenty first birthday, and he had driven out to the nearest branch of the bank his grandmother used to set up his trust fund all those years ago. He had never been told the exact amount of money that was put in the fund, just given an estimate of somewhere around one hundred fifty thousand dollars.

Grandma definitely knew how to invest, and because his great-grandfather had been a self-starter and had gotten a modest alcohol business off the ground, his grandmother had inherited half of that money, the other half going to his great uncle, her brother. And Emile was the only grandchild she had when she died, so all the money she didn’t leave with his grandfather, she decided to save away for him.

Still, though, Emile’s breath was blown away when he talked to the bank manager and saw the number for himself. Two hundred fifteen thousand dollars. If he wasn’t already sitting down, his legs would have given out from underneath him. He had wondered how his grandparents could afford the house they had, but this number cleared up any questions he might have had.

“God,” Emile breathed, still staring at the number on the screen.

The bank manager looked him over. “You look like you’re about to pass out, do you need some water?”

“I’ll...” Emile choked on his words. “I’ll be okay,” he breathed.

“Your grandmother was a very lucky woman,” the bank manager said.

“Luck was her being born into the family she was. Smarts are what made her be able to get everything she needed and have this much money left over,” Emile said.

The bank manager looked pleased. “You’re rather insightful yourself,” he said. “I know this seems like a lot of money to you, but I hope I don’t have to explain to you how fast that money can go away if you’re not careful.”

“No, believe me, I know,” Emile said, sucking in a breath. “Oh, God. I was planning on investing most, if not all, of the money I inherited, but this is a much larger number than I anticipated.”

The bank manager sniffed a laugh. “Son, this is hardly the largest trust fund this bank has seen.”

“This alone could pay off my college debts,” Emile said, deathly serious. “It’s a lot of money to a broke college kid who’s been working retail to make ends meet with his partner working two jobs just to stay afloat.”

“I see your point,” the manager conceded. “But don’t spend it all in one place, you understand? This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”

“Oh, believe me, I know,” Emile said, swallowing. “I could buy a house, or pay off my debts, or any number of things. But I’ll probably be investing it for the time being, watching it grow a little before I decide exactly what I’m going to do with it.”

“You’re smarter than most of the college-aged kids who get these sorts of funds,” the manager said, leading Emile out. “We’ll have the money ready for withdrawal in a couple days. Until then, think wisely on what you’re going to invest in, all right?”

Emile mutely nodded as the manager left him to walk into the front of the bank, and Remy stood up from where he was waiting on a bench. “Hey, there, stranger!” he teased. “What did they say?”

“Oh, God, let’s get to the car first, okay?” Emile said. “You’re going to freak.”

“That much?” Remy laughed. They left and got into the car, Remy looking over at Emile. “So what was it? One hundred fifty thousand, like your parents said?”

“Apparently...my parents low-balled the estimate,” Emile said, sounding slightly hysterical. “I have over two hundred fifteen thousand dollars in that account.”

“What?!” Remy asked, incredulous. “Emile, you’re rich!”

Emile laughed. “Apparently the bank has had much higher trust funds than even that, but yeah, I’m...I don’t understand how I got to be that lucky.”

“What are you going to do with it?” Remy asked.

“Honestly? I think I’m going to be boring and invest most of it,” Emile said.

“Get more money? Hey, no complaints from me,” Remy said. “You could quit your job and we’d be fine.”

“I’m going to keep working,” Emile said. “That money isn’t going to last forever, and if I use it towards what I want to use it for...well, that’s going to take a huge chunk of change.”

Remy looked over. “What are you thinking of using it for?”

“Possibly a house?” Emile said, driving away, slightly sheepish. “Like. Property and stuff. Health insurance. Boring things that I can suddenly afford. But I want to invest most of it first.”

“Makes sense,” Remy said with a nod.

“Would you want to quit one of your jobs?” Emile asked. “Because I can afford to pay a little more rent now, you only need one job...”

“I mean...” Remy sighed. “It would be nice to only have one job, but I don’t want you to spend any more money on me than you have to.”

“Remy, you’re my boyfriend, of course I’m going to spend money on you now that I have money to spend!” Emile insisted. “You’d better get used to it, because now that we can afford to not go to thrift shops when we wear something through, you’d better believe I’m going to offer to go to retail stores!”

Remy laughed. “Oh, we’re really rolling in it!” he crowed. “We can afford new shirts!”

“You’d better believe it!” Emile exclaimed with a laugh. When his laughter died down, he glanced at Remy. “So, did you apply for the manager position opening up?”

“Yeah, I did,” Remy sighed. “But the manager told me, point-blank, that he didn’t expect me to get it. Nothing against my work ethic, but they wanted someone who had credentials. Like, degree-in-business credentials.” Remy pulled a disgusted face. “As if I didn’t know anything that goes into managing a coffee shop.”

Emile wrinkled his nose. “That sucks.” He considered, and figured now was as good a time to poke the bear as any. “Would you want to start your own shop? In all honesty?”

“I mean, honestly? At this point? Yes,” Remy said. “Neither store is going to promote me, and I don’t want to work two jobs for the rest of my life. I don’t have the funds to buy a property, but if I saved up enough to rent, then maybe I could do my own thing.”

“Rem, you realize that I have enough money to help you on the property front?” Emile asked.

“Emile, no, I would never ask that of you,” Remy said. “I can save money on my own, I’ve been doing that for two months now. And it’s not a lot, but it can add up. If your investments are working out, maybe I can invest in the same things. I could get enough money to start up on my own. Might take a couple years, but I would get the money for the property, as well as the food and the staff and everything needed inside. I could get enough for the first few months of the shop just by saving until December, if I played my cards right.”

“Really?” Emile asked. He had been considering December for checking his funds, checking the market, and getting property for Remy to start the coffee shop. But if this lined up that perfectly, there was no way he could turn it down.

“Really,” Remy confirmed. “You don’t need impossibly huge amounts of money to start up a business if you know what you’re doing, and some of our friends are social butterflies, which means free advertising, and if I come up with my own unique recipes for the shop, and come up with coffee blends that by and large our friends like but the shops I currently work for wouldn’t be caught dead selling, well! I’d be officially in business!”

Emile laughed. “So, that’s something you want to try? You want to try to start your own shop?”

Remy deflated a little. “I want it...but can I actually do it? I mean, I could definitely run a shop, but there’s so many factors I don’t know about. I want to try, to see if I can do it, but if it fails...that’s so much money gone to waste. The biggest hurdle would be the space, and if I can afford the space to give it a try, but I can’t keep the shop afloat, that’s easily thousands of dollars down the drain.”

“Remy, if you think you can do it, I say you save up to give it a try,” Emile said. “You have the confidence and the culinary skill to keep a shop afloat. All it would take is the right advertising and the right people to find you, and you’d have business in no time at all. Go for it. We both invest our money, get the rewards and use them to fund whatever dreams both of us have.”

Remy still seemed uncertain. “I want to, Emile...I really want to. But I can’t stop thinking about the possibility of it going under.”

“If it goes under, it goes under. You get a different job so no one says ‘I told you so’ and we continue on. If you get a good enough property, we might be able to use it as an apartment of sorts,” Remy laughed at that, and Emile smiled as he continued, “It’s not the end of the world if something you try doesn’t succeed, Rem. But I think that this has a really good chance at succeeding.”

Remy nodded. “All right. I’ll save up the money and give it a try for you,” he said. “Do you know what you’re going to do with your money outside investing it?”

“I have a couple ideas, but nothing solid,” Emile said. He didn’t mention that Dice had agreed to take Emile’s job offer and was going to look for Toby. He didn’t want Remy to get his hopes up, and he definitely didn’t want Remy to demand he save the money because he thought it was a fruitless venture.

“Well, when you get some solid plans, let me know, okay?” Remy asked. “Because I want to know if we can get strawberries and blueberries for pancakes for breakfast.”

Emile laughed. “Of course, we can get more fruit. And better ingredients that aren’t just on discount. If you want, we can go shopping right now as a little celebration?”

“Sure! When do you get the money?” Remy asked.

“Couple of days,” Emile laughed. “They couldn’t afford to give me that much money all at once, because it’s a small branch and I’d be taking all of their hundred-dollar bills.”

Remy shook his head. “You’re Mister Rich Kid, now, you realize,” he said. “And you’re never living that title down, not once I let our friends know.”

“Oh, God, I hadn’t even thought about that!” Emile laughed. “Our friends could hardly believe I had a trust fund at all, let alone one that potentially had over a hundred thousand dollars! They’re all going to freak!”

“Even more than I will when this whole day finally sinks in,” Remy said sagely. “It’s going to take some getting used to, having wiggle room in case we screw up.”

Emile turned the car on the road they took to the supermarket. “It’s going to be nice, though,” Emile said. “We buy some food we don’t like, we’re not, y’know, obligated to eat all of it because that’s the only food we have for that night.”

“We can buy stupid things like movies that we don’t know if we like because we didn’t get the chance to see it in theatres,” Remy pointed out.

“We can go to see those movies in the theatre in the first place,” Emile pointed out.

“True!” Remy exclaimed. “Emile. This is. The best!”

Emile laughed.

[winryofresembool]

Things We Lost in the Fire, ch 22

aka Caleo uni au

Fic summary: Calypso starts studying at a new university, but to her annoyance her new flatmate is a loud mouthed mechanic who also likes to sneak his dog in whenever. But as she learns to know him better, she realizes they might have more in common than what she first thought. Eventually, even the darkest secrets come out…

Chapter summary: Leo Valdez can be sweet when he wants to.

A/N:  Sorry for the long break! The holidays were a rather busy time for me so it did good to take some time off from writing. But now I'm back for my weekly updates (at least I hope I am)! And not just with any chapter but a long-ish chapter full of Caleo fluff :) I really hope you guys enjoy! Please let me know what you think because I 100% mean it when I say I love reading your comments!!

Words: 3200+ 

Genre: romance & hurt/comfort

Warnings: none

previous chapter / AO3

…

Once Calypso had made up with Leo and Annabeth, she had new issues to deal with. When she paid her rent for the month, she noticed that she only had enough money for one more month’s rent, not even including the other living costs such as food, other daily necessities and school supplies. She had pushed back the job hunting earlier partially because the friendship issues had made her feel too low to care about that kind of thing, partially because she had no idea what she could do, only having a high school level education and no special skills. She had only ever worked at her father’s company and that was not something she wanted to advertise in her applications. But now she was in a situation that unless she wanted to return to the very place she wanted to stay away from, she had to come up with something.

Annabeth and Piper had seen some of the clothes and other items she had sewed and made with her own hands and encouraged her to sell them but Calypso herself wasn’t entirely convinced they were good enough to be sold. She was also a decent enough artist but with a class full of artists just as good (some even better) than her, what would make her stand out in the public? Her people skills weren’t amazing either so she doubted that she would make a good retail worker. But she knew she would probably have to come out of her comfort zone in this case, so if anyone was willing to hire her, she’d accept it.

She was startled when she suddenly heard a familiar voice from the other room: “Sunshine, I’mma head out to buy some groceries and stuff for a new project. You need anything?”

In some other situation, Calypso would have been thankful for the offer, but she was still feeling like a nervous wreck because of her earlier discovery. That’s why the words escaped her before she could stop herself: “Huh? No, I don’t think so? And I can still buy my own groceries, thank you very much.”

“Sorry, I just thought I’d ask… I didn’t mean to…” Leo seemed a bit baffled by her outburst. He was already about to head out when Calypso came out of her room and stopped him.

“No, I’m sorry.” She sighed, looking regretful. “I was just on the edge because I just noticed my financial situation isn’t exactly the best… But that is something I need to figure out on my own, I don’t want charity.”

“Well, I wasn’t gonna buy you a car or anything,” Leo tried to crack a joke. “Just thought that if you’re running out of milk or something, I could have saved you the trouble… Since I’m going there anyway…”

“Oh… no, I don’t think I need anything,” she said, this time a lot softer. “But thank you for asking.”

“No prob, Sunshine,” Leo replied, looking relieved now that he knew she wasn’t actually angry at him. “But hey, if you do need help with, like, searching for a job, or something, I’m your man.”

Calypso tried to keep her face neutral even though she had a feeling her cheeks were probably red. “I’ll… keep that in my mind.”

“Well, see you soon,” Leo said after the two just kept staring at each other for a while. He seemed to be sizing her, possibly still a bit thrown off by her weird reaction before he put his coat on (Calypso noticed it was the same shade of red as a lot of his shirts seemed to be. And it was also rather snugly fit, definitely not a bad sight, she thought before she had time to stop herself) and took his bags, leaving her alone.

“See you,” she said quietly when the door was already closed.

Once sure that Leo was far enough and not coming back, Calypso leaned her back against the wall of her room, sliding down into a sitting position on the floor. Throwing her head back, she groaned at herself. She had thought that the small falling out they had had because of the Percy incident might have affected her feelings towards Leo, but it seemed to become clearer and clearer every day that wasn’t the case. Even if she had admitted to Hazel and Annabeth that those feelings were not quite flatmate like, it was a whole different thing to really come to terms with that fact. She was falling quite hard.

The more she thought about it, the more she freaked out. Her relationships before one faithful day during her teenage years had failed badly (and that was over 5 years ago anyway) and the online dating she had done afterwards… Well, now that Calypso thought about it, only the conversation with Percy had seemed to be going somewhere. All the people she had cared about had left her and never come back. That, along with the fact that she had spent a lot of time alone in the past, had left her scared of relationships and ruined her self esteem, making her think that she simply wasn’t good enough. If Leo left too… she wasn’t sure how she’d handle that. Not to even mention, her dad was still probably looking for her and getting Leo mixed into that would be very dangerous for him. No matter what Annabeth said about wanting to help.

Biting her lip, she decided there was only one option. No matter what she felt, she should try to treat Leo just like any of her friends and conceal her true feelings. Having Leo in her life just as a flatmate was way better than not having him in it at all. When she remembered her friends’ hints that perhaps Leo himself wasn’t as indifferent to her as he probably should be, she suddenly felt like crying. In different circumstances… maybe they could be happy together, go on dates, hold hands… Now she would inevitably have to let him go when someone else would realize that Leo was a great person worth dating.

Calypso didn’t know how long she had been sitting there, and she also hadn’t noticed that there were tears running down her cheeks. She didn’t snap out of her daze until she heard the front door clunking again, this time indicating that Leo had already returned.

“Please just ignore me…” Calypso ranted in her head, but no luck. She heard steps from outside her room, stopping right in front of it. Swiping her wet cheeks quickly into her hands, she stood up from the floor just in time for Leo to knock on her door. Calypso didn’t really want to open it when she was in that emotional state but she knew that not answering would raise even more questions. Her messy looks she could always try to shrug off as a ‘bad day’, she decided.

“Yeah?” she asked weakly, opening the door to reveal her flatmate with that stupid trademark grin of his on his face. He seemed pretty happy about something he had or was about to do. The late autumn wind had made his curly hair even messier than usual and his cheeks were red from the cold weather and the exercise but his eyes were sparkling excitedly, like he couldn’t wait to show her something. He started: “I went to the hardware store and…” He quickly stopped when he noticed Calypso’s expression and puffy eyes. His happiness immediately melted away. “Hey, what’s wrong? Have you been crying?”

“It’s been a rough day,” Calypso sighed, looking down. “Don’t worry, I was just being overwhelmed by the loads of uni work before the exam season. And like I told you before, I need a job… But… it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“Alright, if you’re sure…” Leo narrowed his eyes slightly, probably sensing that she wasn’t telling him the entire truth. “But yeah, I was gonna give you something. Hope it cheers you up a bit. He handed her a tiny packet of what seemed like flower seeds but before Calypso had time to read the text on it, he started explaining.

“So, I was gonna tell you that I went to the hardware store to buy me some supplies, and you know how they sell all kinds of seeds there as well? Well, I just happened to notice these while waiting for my turn to pay for my stuff and I just randomly decided to buy them.”

“But… why?” Calypso asked, finally looking at Leo directly.

“Um…” He started rubbing the back of his neck. “Remember when Festus jumped on your desk and broke it? There was a plant on it too… and I never replaced it. When I saw those,” he nodded towards the packet Calypso was holding, “I remembered that the plant looked like that… At least I think it did… I’m no good with that kind of stuff… But I know you care about your plants… so I thought it’d be only fair if I got you those. I know it’s not gonna be the exact same one you had, but…”

Leo didn’t manage to finish his sentence because Calypso couldn’t contain her feelings anymore. She closed the space between them and hugged him even tighter than the time they had had a game night with Jason and Piper. No one had gotten anything for her in years, and even if the seed bags didn’t cost much, it was the thought that mattered way more to her. She had never expected him to remember such a detail from several months ago when they hadn’t even been friends, but apparently he did.

“Uh, Cal, some air would be nice,” Leo said jokingly when it started seeming she didn’t even want to let him go. He didn’t attempt to break the hug, though, instead gently stroking her back. “Wow, Sunshine,” he said in an attempt to lighten the mood, “You’d think I bought you a house based on your reaction.”

Calypso raised her head from his shoulder, giving him a half hearted glare as she broke the hug.

“I’m not allowed to be thankful for a gift? You don’t know… You don’t understand…”

“Understand what?” Leo raised his eyebrows.

Calypso took a deep breath before answering. “I haven’t gotten gifts from anyone since I turned 16. And even then it was just… uh, never mind. The point is that I’m not used to such nice gestures… And I didn’t think you’d remember… It was my favorite plant. So excuse me if I’m feeling a bit emotional because your gift was more thoughtful than you probably realized.”

“OK, sorry,” Leo apologized quickly. “If you’re not used to nice gestures, I’m not used to displays of affection so I got a bit surprised, that’s all… Well, either way, I’m glad I got you something you care about.”

Calypso’s expression softened again. “Yeah. Thank you. I’m sure they will look pretty.”

Suddenly Calypso realized she was feeling a little dizzy, not sure if from the crying or from the smell of the mechanic oil she had just smelled on Leo’s shirt as she had hugged him. Sitting down on her bed, she leaned her face into her hands.

“Um, are you really OK?” Leo asked. “I know it’s not any of my business, but… if I can help you somehow, let me know.”

After a while, Calypso looked up from her hands, having half expected Leo to leave already. “If you happen to know anyone who’d be willing to hire an inexperienced, uneducated young woman, sure, be my guest,” she muttered.

“Hey.” Leo sat down next to Calypso on her bed, nudging her arm slightly. “Where’s the Calypso who has told me to fight my fear? I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who’d be willing to hire you if they knew how talented you are.”

“Wait… what?” Calypso wasn’t sure if she had heard right. Even if they had been friendly towards each other for a while now, she didn’t remember Leo complimenting her like that before. “Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s true!” Leo exclaimed, his eyes gleaming fiercely the same way Calypso had seen a couple of times earlier. “You are a talented person and even I can see that. You can draw and paint – I bet you’d do way better blueprints for machines than I do. To be honest, I’d probably hire you to do that if I could. You create a lot of things with your own hands – like that one dress you wore the other day, right? Like, OK, I wear overalls all the time so you can take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I thought it looked neat.”

“But…”

“But there are other things as well,” Leo continued persistently. “You know a lot and you’re always working on something – if not something university related, you take care of your plants or bake or something like that – and I think under that hard cover of yours you’re actually a super caring person. I dunno, those are things that at least I value. But maybe I’m the weird one here.” He rolled his eyes as if everything he had just said had been very obvious.

“Leo…” Calypso just stared at him with wide eyes, not finding the right words. She hadn’t been emotionally prepared for Leo showering her with compliments. If her cheeks had felt warm earlier, they were definitely burning now, and her eyes felt weird too… like she was going to cry again. “I…”

“Shhh. Crying doesn’t suit you, Sunshine. Luckily Uncle Leo is good at bad jokes that make the ladies laugh. How about this: What do you give to a sick lemon? Or… why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife?”

“Leonidas,” Calypso repeated but this time she did it with an annoyed groan. That was apparently what Leo had wished, though, because he grinned at her in return.

“Alright, I won’t finish that one!” he raised his hands up. “But it did work because there’s still some spice left in you. That’s what I wanted to see.”

“You’re the only person I know who can literally go from 100 to 0 when trying to cheer someone up,” Calypso said, but her mouth twitched. “But thanks. As much as I hate to admit it, I think it might have worked. For your information,” she added unexpectedly, “you give lemon aid to a sick lemon and the astronaut needed his space.”

“I think my job here is done,” Leo said approvingly, taking one step closer to her. Calypso had seen his brown eyes sparkling when he was happy and burning when he was mad but now she thought they seemed soft and warm, unlike she had seen before. And her heart skipped a beat when she registered that the reason for the warmth might have been… she herself. He looked at her right in the eyes and brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear before his fingers moved to her face. He brushed some of the wetness off with his thumb and for one, short second Calypso thought that he also wanted to do something else… touch her jaw, her lips… But that moment ended fast when he cleared his throat and pulled his hand away. One, tiny part of Calypso’s brain yelled: “no!” while the rational part tried to be relieved.

“Um… You had something there…” Leo tried to brush his previous actions off. “Anyway. Like I said I have no doubt someone wouldn’t hire you. But now that I think of it, I remember hearing from my moms that one of their friends is looking for a holiday helper at her flower shop that is quite near Waystation. The holidays are always a busy time there and the owner’s daughter, who has usually been the one helping, has moved away, so they could really use an extra hand.”

“A flower shop?” Calypso asked, hope starting to flicker in her eyes. “Do you think they may have a lot of applicants?”

“Who knows.” Leo shrugged. “I think it might be a pretty popular place… but you can’t win if you don’t try, huh?”

“Yeah. You’re right,” Calypso agreed. “Do you know how I can contact the place?”

“Hold on for a moment. I can call Emmie and ask,” Leo said and left Calypso alone in her room, baffled by what had just happened but also a bit hopeful. Maybe at least something would turn out right even if her social life would probably continue to be a mess.

A few minutes later Leo returned with a piece of paper in his hands and a satisfied expression on his face. It told Calypso that he had managed to get the number.

“Here you go, Sunshine! Hope you’ll still remember me and how I helped you when you become rich and famous.” He winked.

“I know I’ve told you this before but you really are a weirdo,” Calypso shot back but took the piece of paper gratefully. She excused herself to make a phone call and managed to get a hold of the owner of the flower shop who suggested a meeting for the next day. After finishing the phone call, Calypso searched for Leo who had withdrawn into the living room to watch a movie.

“So… I’m going to have an interview with the owner tomorrow,” she told him. “Keep your thumbs up that it will go fine. I’m kind of nervous, to be honest.”

“I’d keep even my big toes up if needed but I think you’re gonna do great,” Leo noted. “For reals. Have some faith.”

“Easier said than done,” Calypso sighed. “You probably understand.”

“I… yeah,” Leo admitted, thinking about one moment only about a week earlier when he had felt like nothing would work out. “But for what it’s worth, there are people who do support you.”

“You too?” Calypso asked carefully even though she was a bit scared of his answer.

“Yeah, me included.” Leo nodded.

“Listen, Leo… Thanks… for everything you’ve done for me today. Not just the seeds and the phone number, the emotional support too. It really helped.”

She surprised even herself by leaning closer to Leo and giving him a quick peck on his cheek. He went completely speechless and just rubbed the spot on his cheek Calypso had kissed absentmindedly as Calypso waited for him to say something.

“Uhh… you… you’re welcome?” he finally stuttered when Calypso had already started thinking she had crossed some line with the cheek kiss and they were back on square one.

“I should probably go back to do some research…” she said. “I’ve had a hard time focusing on anything lately but I’m feeling better now so hopefully I will manage to make some progress with some assignments. Have fun with your movie!” She attempted to sound cheerful even though the two sides of her brain were having an intense battle in that moment. One said: ‘why don’t you just stay with him? The assignment can wait!” while the other side wanted to run from that situation before Calypso did something she would regret.

“Alright… Thanks. And good luck with that!” Leo said. Calypso was convinced that she just imagined it but to her he had seemed just a bit disappointed that she hadn’t joined him. When she was back in her room, she exhaled sharply. So much for that ‘being just friends’. She would really have to start working harder on that before someone got hurt.

[hockeylvr59]

Proving Your Worth Part 9 || Jonathan Toews

Requested: [ ] yes [ ] no [x] sorta

Authors Note: Well this is another thing that took me forever because I wasn’t quite sure where to take it. It’s kind of another transition chapter but there’s some cute relationship content in it as well. Hopefully, you enjoy it. Gif credit to jokiiharju.

Warnings: none        

Word Count: 2,075

~~~~~~~~~

Thanksgiving at home had been something you’d been looking forward to. Because your mom worked retail, she had to work until 2pm meaning that you would just spend the morning with your sisters watching the parade before heading to a family friend’s house for dinner and board games while football played in the background. This had been your family’s routine for quite a few years and it was one you enjoyed tremendously. 

Having woken up with a severe bout of morning sickness was not how you’d wanted to start your day. You didn’t exactly want to deal with all of the questions of why you were vomiting because you still hadn’t told your family that you had gone through with artificial insemination and were expecting. Thankfully your mom had already left for work and only your dad and sisters were home and all three of them were still asleep upstairs as you knelt over the downstairs toilet. You knew you needed to tell them but it was something that was better done in person and you hadn’t wanted to get into it after arriving home the night before. 

Thankfully, after grabbing some crackers from a cabinet in the kitchen your stomach settled and by the time the rest of the house awoke, you were feeling fine once more. The beginning of the parade with the Broadway performances was always the best part for you and your sisters and the three of you chatted while watching, pausing to make brunch partway through and then fast-forwarding through the commercials. 

It wasn’t until the parade was over that any of you made the effort to get dressed, and since this was never a super formal affair, you slipped on a pair of jeans and a sweater, pulling your hair back and doing a bare minimum makeup job. It wasn’t like you were trying to impress anyone, and now that things between you and Jon were serious and committed...you felt even more confident just being yourself. You had been surprised to find that buttoning your jeans had been harder than usual but since you didn’t have a mirror, you didn’t notice that almost overnight your stomach had started to pudge out just a little, the next physical sign that there really was a baby growing inside of you. 

With the Hawks in Florida for Thanksgiving, you were expecting a call from Jon at some point but it hadn’t arrived by the time you left the house headed 20 minutes north. 

Dinner was delicious and the company had you laughing hysterically within minutes of arriving. Your family friends had lived in Chicago for a number of years so you enjoyed talking about all of the things you got to see while living there including all of the home hawks games, your job making their sons jealous. It was while you were talking about the hawks season that your phone buzzed and pulling it out of your back pocket you immediately couldn’t help but smile seeing that Jon had sent you a text. Opening it you were surprised to find that attached was a video...that was new...and after excusing yourself for a moment, you slipped into the next room to play it. 

Jon’s smiling face filled your screen and you watched as he wished you a happy thanksgiving before suddenly the screen was being jostled and you could see the rest of the team sitting around a long table with mounds of food on it all yelling at you with the same well wishes. It was cute and made you smile to know that since he knew you were busy that instead of calling he just decided to make you feel a little bit included into his own holiday. By the time you had finished watching the clip, another text had come through asking if the two of you could talk later that night because he missed you. Your heart fluttered and you knew that you were in so deep, but for some reason, now you weren’t scared of that feeling. 

When you returned to the living room, you found a room full of people figuring out how to cast photos from their iPhones to the new tv your friends had recently gotten. You debated for a moment about the thought that had popped into your head and after a moment you decided that it certainly couldn’t hurt.

“Let me try. I just got a cute video you guys should see.” You declared, quickly following the directions that had been discussed as you were walking into the room. After a moment the paused text message video popped up on the screen. There wasn’t anything in it that would signal anything more than friends and coworkers so you didn’t think Jon would mind if you shared it. Pressing play you watched the video once more, smiling to yourself at the rambunctious group of men that you were becoming closer and closer to through your relationship with Jon. 

When it finished, half of the room was staring at you and you quirked a brow in confusion. “What....you think I don’t know the guys?” You declared playing it off. “They’re in Florida having a team thanksgiving and decided to share.” Though that video itself wasn’t likely to end up on social media you were sure one like it would since at least some of the younger guys had active social media accounts. 

The youngest of the boys shook his head after a minute. “Wait...you don’t just work for the Hawks, you interact with the players?” He questioned causing you to laugh. 

“Yeah...I mean I deal with their paperwork at the beginning of the season and it’s not like I don’t run into them in the halls. I’ve talked with some of them before, been invited to a night out drinking.” 

“That’s so cool.” He stated amazed. You could tell that he was about to start asking a million questions that you really didn’t want to answer if you didn’t cut him off.

“I’ll just tell you that they’re all pretty funny guys and they have some great stories to share but I’m not about to go breaking their trust by saying anything more than that.” 

Thankfully the subject was quickly changed and before long you were all surrounding the table once more with another silly board game in the middle.

The rest of the evening passed quickly and it wasn’t long before you had headed home. With your mom having to work early the next morning she headed to bed and your dad and sisters decided to hit some of the sales to do some Christmas shopping. They’d invited you to join but you were aching to talk to Jon and so you declined, instead deciding to enjoy the beautiful night, grabbing a blanket and heading outside to make a small fire in the fire pit. 

With that going you curled up on the outdoor loveseat and texted to see if Jon was available to talk. Not even a minute later your phone was ringing and an easy smile slipped onto your face as you answered. 

“Hey, handsome.” You breathed, your smile growing as you heard him hum in response through the telephone. 

“Hey.” He whispered back and you could hear the fatigue in his voice. 

“How’s Florida? You sound tired. If you want to go to bed I won’t be mad, I know it’s late.” You stated, quickly being cut off with the assurance that he wanted to talk to you. 

“Florida is good. Warm.” He declared. “Call me crazy but I can’t wait to get back to Chicago on Saturday night.” 

“You might be a little crazy.” You teased. “But trust me, as much as I love home I can’t wait to get back to Chicago too...I miss you.” 

“Miss you too gorgeous.” He murmured. When he spoke again his voice had dropped in volume. “Miss baby too.” He added. “How’s little one doing?” 

“I mean besides still making me sick they’re great.” You assured him, loving that you had reached a point where the air was finally clear between the two of you considering the slightly odd circumstances of it all. 

For a few minutes, the two of you just talked about random things, Jon telling you stories about the boys and you telling him about the “green dumpster monster” in one of the games you’d played. When the laughter died down, Jon went silent for a minute before speaking hesitantly. 

“Can I ask you a question?” He asked. Ignoring the fact that he just had you assured him that of course, he could. “Do you wanna invite your family to Chicago for Christmas? Maybe these family friends you’re close to  too since they’re from the area.” Before you could even respond he continued. “Just hear me out...I was thinking...we’re on the road before and after Christmas so my parents and David are gonna come to Chicago...I thought maybe if everyone was in Chicago we could do our mornings in individual groups and then have everyone over for dinner.” 

There were so many overwhelming things with that question. First, your apartment was not big enough to hold your entire family. You were already aware you needed to find someplace larger before the baby arrived. Two, he wanted your parents to meet his parents. That was...that was really serious, especially because the two of you would have only been official for a month by Christmas. Hearing your silence, Jon backpedaled. “It’s okay if that’s too much I just. I want to spend Christmas with you. And with the baby, I figured...well I figured that yeah our families should meet sooner rather than later.” Thinking about it still, you bit your lip because it was a lot but he was right. 

“No...Jon...you have a point. You just took me off guard.” You admitted. “I just...my apartment isn’t big enough for my family and while you’re right about the second part, that’s just...it’s a little overwhelming.” 

“I know it is,” Jon assured you. “But if it’s something you want I’d be happy to get your family a hotel room and don’t even try and talk me out of that. I...I just want you to know how serious I am about this...about you and with my career family can be hard and I don’t want to let an opportunity pass by because of fear. Little one deserves all of the good things. So do you.” 

With everything Jonathan was doing for you, it was hard to tell him that you wouldn’t do something that clearly meant so much to him. 

“Okay. I’ll talk to my parents.” You declared. “But are you sure about adding even more people to the mix?” You prodded knowing that while his place was large, that would be a lot of people to entertain when he was only getting back into town the early morning hours of Christmas Eve. His response was immediate though.

“Of course I am. If they’re important to you, they’re important to me and if they’d be interested in being in the area anyway I see no reason not to add a few more to dinner. We’ll have a chef of course.” He elaborated, quickly clearing the air that he had no plans on cooking. 

“Okay.” You simply murmured, a yawn slipping from your throat. 

“Okay.” He echoed, and you could practically hear his smile through the phone. “I’ll let you get some sleep.” He breathed after a moment having heard your yawn. “But hey...come over when you get back to Chicago?” He requested. 

“I’d like nothing more.” You agreed, promising to do just that. After saying goodnight you hung up the phone and after adjusting the dying fire so that it was extinguished, you headed inside and to the couch to sleep, thoughts of how to tell your parents about the baby and ask them about Christmas filling your head. 

Three days later you were snuggled up on the couch in Jon’s arms having told your family about your little one and having inquired about Christmas in Chicago. Your mom agreed to see if she could get off work and so though Christmas plans were pending, they were headed in a positive direction. Things were looking up, and it was all thanks to a certain brown-eyed man. 

[kissmejuyeon]

hey Sara! 🌸🐇

this might be a personal or difficult question, so if you don't want to reply, that's totally fine!! 💕

i went to a school where i was lowkey taught that uni is the only option after graduation, that anything else isn't as "good" and we weren't even taught abt anything other than uni either. no one ever mentioned apprenticeships or voluntary years, let alone spoke positively of them. it honestly installed in me this fear of being seen as lesser if i don't go to uni and now it's been almost 4 years since my graduation and I'm still struggling with the inferiority feeling of not feeling like uni is the right place for me. i think i want to do an apprenticeship, but by now i feel almost too scared to start anything in fear of not managing.

did you deal with this kind of thing in your schooling/ upbringing as well? and how did you get over those feelings? :( if you have even the tiniest advice, id be super grateful 💙

Hey love!!! Happy new Year <3

I can totally relate to what you’re feeling!! I def had those same feelings and thoughts, and i am not gonna lie, it took me a while to figure out what i want to do, and how i stopped focusing on what other wanted of me. but i’m going to try to explain my thoughts, so please bare with me.

i had to put this in “keep reading” cause i word vomited lmao

I was lucky that i grew up in a family that always thought me, that i do everything in life for myself. I should always focus on what I want to do. BUT, i had extended family and a few friends that always talked about uni and doing something in life that is “not working in retail” (just an example) All they “wanted” me to do is make money. 

My dad never finished high school and my mom started two apprenticeships that she never finished. I always knew i wanted to do more than what my parents did. And i don’t mean it a mean or bad way. (i hope you know what i mean) 

i was a “gifted” kid in school, and good grades came easy to me, until i finished 10th grade and i started my A-level. Then i hit rock bottom. I actually never planed to do my A-level, but i had no idea what to do with my life in year 10, so i decided to go to school for 3 more years, so i have a little more time to figure stuff out. (Spoiler: i didn’t) When i decided to do my A-level (In germany you need it to even go to uni) i thought uhMm maybe i should go to uni because many people around me where starting to talk about it and made me feel that my decision of never going to uni was me planing on becoming “nothing”. Which is totally stupid. Not going to uni does NOT mean you’ll never become anything!

by the i finished my A-level, which i barely passed, i still had no idea of what i wanted to. the only thing i knew was, that i wanted to do something that brings me happiness and joy! And the only time i found happiness and joy was in books (and one direction lmao). So i started to think about the idea, that i could start working in a bookstore. But at that time, my friends already started Uni (med school, law etc.) and others went to go abroad to study. And i felt like i was worth less. But i also knew that going to uni would only further the descend of my mental health. So i really focused on working in a bookstore and do an apprenticeship as a bookseller. 

Through a friend i got the opportunity of working in a bookstore (I applied before but i was sadly rejected). After the first day of work, i knew, this is what i wanted to do with my life. My mom always pushed me into applying for apprenticeships that i didnt wanna do, which i told her i didnt want, but it only caused many fights between us. but tbh ... i didnt care. i wanted to do what i wanted to do! So i focused on my carreer in the bokstore. i stopped focusing on what other people want to do in their lives, but rather focus on what I want to do. 

so i worked at the bookstore for 2 years, then started my apprenticeship, then i worked for 4 months as a bookseller and now i’m the deputy manager of the store that i did my apprenticeship at. now i know i only got to this place and position because i stopped focusing on what other people wanted.

end of my biography but i feel like it needed to explain this to validate my points lmao

and heres what i can tell you, do what you want to do!!! if you dont want to go to uni, do not go. is there something that brings you joy? clothes? books? try working with something that you like, and figure out what you wanna do that way.

Other people think they help you when they try to push uni, grad school etc. into your life, cause they think that whats best for you. but you are the only one who knows whats best for you!

in bookseller school, half my class was people who dropped out of uni to start working. not going to uni or dropping out of uni doesnt make you any less amazing or capable of reaching your dreams. 

the sad thing is, we need money to survive in this world, so you need to make money one way or another. and people always promote the narrative of figuring out what you want to do immediately. which is fuckign bullocks. you can start over and over again of you need to. if you start a job but after a few months you realize, its something you dont want to do, quit and find another job. Starting over and trying out jobs is nothing bad! 

but i think the first step you need to to, is to realize that what you do in life, is for you and only you!!! 

[segenassefa]

2: On Consumerism, Fighting Demons, and Societies Inevitable Collapse

Quarantine has been lowkey surreal. My constant complaint of never having enough time to do all the things I want/should be doing has now left me bored in the house, bored in the house, bored with nothing but time to get said things done. However, it is a dual edged sword - with the collapse and subsequent reformation of civil society outside my doors, it leaves me wondering – as well as a lot of other people – in the words of Miss Juicy…what the hell we gone do now?

Nearing the end of the first leg of my university career, I should be thinking about getting ready to transition to the next logical stages of adulthood - saving for an apartment, applying for permanent residency, as well as graduate schools and part time jobs. Yet, I’m worried about if these things will even be a possibility within the next month, six months, or even the next year.

On top of ALL of that, the recent BLM protests and the way that people (read: white people, Latinxs, Black men, homo/transphobes, etc.) have shown their asses the past few months is beyond mortifying - especially regarding the treatment of black women and how our value as individuals as well as a collective to society is really perceived.* This is not to downplay the murder of numerous black men in society, BUT who the fuck is riding for black women aside from other black women? And not just the ones who find attractive, or are racially ambiguous, or the ones you feel as if you get “guilted” into supporting and demanding justice for, I mean each and every black woman. I’m just saying, it gets pretty disheartening to feel like the legwork of the revolution is on the back of one category of people, and that your value to society is measured by the amount of emotional labour you’re ready to do for others, or how fat your ass is (but I digress…).

I feel like most people have used material things as coping mechanisms instead of actually facing their feelings and dealing with the things that bother them. Just think of the number of packages that have arrived on your doorstep the past few months. Breaking the glossy seal of packing tape is similar to therapy, until all the boxes are open, and you start feeling like shit again. And now, more than ever, there’s a lot to be bothered about. Western society has dedicated phrases based on the phenomenon of substituting true self-work with figurative emotional bandages (Phrases like comfort eating and retail therapy come to mind).

It’s nice to think that we – the people entering their adolescent and young adult years – will be the one to change these things, but suddenly it’s 2 am, you have twenty different things in your Amazon cart, (who the fuck needs a metal straw cleaning kit?) and you’re trying to see how far you can stretch and grab your debit card before falling off of the bed.

The conflicting messages pushed by society don’t help all that much either. If you look up “Kondo method” or “decluttering my closet” on YouTube, the numbers of videos that come up is astounding. Pages and pages of sweaty-faced, smiling YouTubers monetizing from this kind of faux “minimalism” only to post haul videos a few days later because “I threw everything out and now I have to rebuild from scratch sksksk!”. Does this not just perpetuate a cycle of buying and throwing and buying? I am....confusion, to say the least. Still I watch them, because I’m a hypocrite, and am also easily amused.

I will be the first to admit I have always had a very unhealthy relationship with money, with self-image, and with measuring my self-worth in proximity with “stuff that stems from a complicated relationship with physical self. Follow along:

Growing up, I was a fat kid. We don’t even have to sugar coat it. Think Terrio, but better eyebrows and more hair. Except I was not killin’ em, just myself. I always envied my friends who were able to go shopping at regular stores – read: Hollister, Abercrombie, Urban Outfitters (yes my friends were white), meanwhile I was condemned to shopping in the women’s department.

So, to compensate, I would buy trinkets – things like nail polish, lip gloss, journals, you get the point. My proximity to worthiness was measured not by the things that I bought, but within the act of buying. Growing up with parents who were also financially frugal also altered my relationship with money and blessed me with crippling buyers’ remorse after every purchase, even on things that are important (read: groceries).  

But as a kid, buying “stuff” was fun for me – it gave me some sort of purpose, and the acquisition of things (even if they weren’t the same things my peers had) made me feel like, to some extent, I could compete on the same playing field. As I got older, and I started to have real expenses, I moved towards second-hand shopping. I would religiously find myself at Goodwill on weekend, after school, or with friends. I could literally feel an endorphin rush when I would find something that I would consider a “good deal”, and it made me feel (again) purposeful, to be spending money, even if I didn’t need whatever I was buying.

I should also add that the people in my immediate family does not believe in thrift stores (“Why am I working for you to wear other people’s clothing?”, I remember my dad asking me one day), so the act of second-hand shopping was also my form of rebellion.

I began to amass a collection of clothing that would put Kylie’s closet to shame. I began buying things for events and situations that were yet to happen, for other people, for when I lose ten pounds. It was a madness.

In freshman year of university, I had an unhealthy relationship with clubbing clothes. Did I have the figure for clubbing clothes? Absolutely not. The funnier part is, I couldn’t even go clubbing because I wasn’t 19 at the time. And yet I had drawers and drawers full of the stuff. Not to mention that clubbing clothes is incredibly similar to summer clothing and living between Minnesota and Canada meant that these things were barely seeing the light of day.

The moral of this was – I could never figure out my relationship with stuff, This quarantine has forced me to try and break down the compulsion behind my behaviour.  I felt like I was spiralling the six weeks that they closed thrift stores, and I knew myself well enough to not try and online shop with the same kind of frequency as that. But the crazy part was, I didn’t die. I didn’t go into withdrawal (ok, I did a little bit, but whatever), and I was able to take the time to go through the things I already owned and find some hidden gems that were routinely buried in the cracks and crevices of my closet. It was like the episode of Family Guy when Peter realizes he has a vestigial twin – alarming and cool at first, but then it’s just alarming and annoying.

Its more embarrassing to realize that some semblance of myself image is tied to the frequency with which I am able to spend money. I would never say that participating in capitalist society gives me some kind of purpose as a black woman because God forbid. Also, considering that a lot of big names companies are actually racist and fatphobic as hell creates a whole new dimension for analyzing the power of my black dollar, sometimes creating another spiral of guilt leading to you guessed it – more spending.

As much as it seems like it, however, this self-reflection was not in vain. In the past month, I’ve cut down my closet from +200 pieces of clothing and shoes to about 40. If you ever want a fun, humbling activity this quarantine, just clean out your closet and be honest with yourself about how often you wear certain things. It was revolting to see the number of shirts, dresses, pants, skirts that I had bought and convinced myself wholeheartedly I was going to wear, only to pull them out of my closet months later with the tags attached *insert Marge Simpson covering her face meme*.

But at the end of the whole ordeal, it felt really good to look at my space and not feel burden or guilt. It was somewhat philanthropic realizing that not only will these clothes make someone else happier (I donated pretty much everything because it’s not always about money), but that my quality of life was not dramatically impacted in owning (or not owning) certain things. The past few weeks, I’ve spent more money on going out and sharing experiences with friends, but still nowhere near the same amount of money I would have spent buying clothes and other material possession.

Youtuber Kelly Stamps has a video on how minimalism “cured” her depression**, and the whole thesis boils down to the idea that owning less things gives you less to compare yourself too, thus making you happier (in a sense) and allowing you to focus the energy and time that would have been centered around maintaining and building your collection of possessions other things.

This still doesn’t break down the root of the issue, but it’s a start. I think when you have traits or patterns that you’ve participated in for so long, it becomes hard to step back and be objective enough to realize that you – yes, you – are part of the problem. I can blame my habits on a lot of things but at the end of the day, it’s important to realize that certain cycles seem never-ending because I actively choose to participate in these kinds of behaviours (accountability is sexy, huh?). While I’m not ready to face all my demons quite yet, it’s easier to do it with a nice wardrobe and a streamlined sense of mind.

Notes

*When I say black women, I mean ALL black women. Not some limited, cis-gendered, heteronormative view of what a woman is. Over here we ride for all those who identify as women.

**She emphasizes that she doesn’t actually means that it cured anything, but rather helped with her anxiety, and in turn, helped with her depression.

Links

That Family Guy Episode

The Kelly Stamps video

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Eight

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

November 20th, 2000

“You’re absolutely sure you’ll be okay over Thanksgiving break?” Emile pressed Remy.

Remy rolled his eyes. “Yeah, Mom, I’ll be fine,” he said with a little scoff. “I don’t have to talk to my parents about dropping out of college, or moving out of the dorms, and my siblings don’t know either, so they can’t spill the beans. It’ll be five days of sleeping in my parent’s house and wishing they didn’t host Thanksgiving dinner for my family every year so I don’t have to be swamped by my cousins and aunts and uncles. I’ll be fine.”

“If you’re sure...” Emile said. “Just know my parents’ offer stands. They wouldn’t mind feeding five mouths instead of four.”

“I know,” Remy said. “But you don’t have to worry. I’ll be okay. I promise.”

  November 23rd, 2000

“So, let me get this straight,” Emile’s dad asked. “You met a boy in college, became friends with him despite his great reluctance to do so, and found out that he would hurt himself if he continued going to college, so you decided to offer to move in with him, and take on a job so that you can help with rent? And we have to pay less for your tuition because you’ll be living off campus?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Emile said. “Remy hasn’t dropped out officially, yet, but he’s working through the papers and trying to find a second job to help in addition to Starbucks that means we won’t have to stretch our money as thin.”

“That’s amazing, Emile,” Dad said. “I can only see you doing that sort of thing. But it somehow makes complete sense when it’s you doing it.”

Emile ducked his head and continued to help peel potatoes for the Thanksgiving dinner. “I’m just really worried about Remy, honestly,” he said. “He had to go back to his parents’ for Thanksgiving because we don’t have the apartment yet, and they don’t know that he’s dropping out of college yet.”

“Wait, what? What do you mean, ‘they don’t know’?” Dad asked, placing a hand on Emile’s shoulder.

“I mean they don’t know, Dad,” Emile said. “His parents aren’t very supportive. He was going to college on his own dime, not theirs, because he wanted to go into whatever major he wanted. And he’s told me before that...that his parents favor his siblings over him.”

“What?!” his dad asked.

“He’s said it in passing multiple times, Dad. Even if it’s not true, he genuinely believes it, and based on everything else I’ve heard about his parents, I’m inclined to believe him on this,” Emile said, biting his lip.

“Well why couldn’t you invite him over here, then?” Dad asked.

“I tried!” Emile defended. “I said he was welcome to come home with me if he wanted, but he said he didn’t want to impose, and that his parents were expecting him home anyway. They don’t even know whether or not he has friends at college, Dad. He was worried that they might cut him out of the family if he didn’t go home, because the dorms definitely close over Thanksgiving, and they’d assume he’s gay if he decided to have Thanksgiving with us!”

“Is he gay?” Dad asked.

“Dad...I’m not comfortable sharing his preferences without his permission,” Emile whined in a whisper.

“So, that’s a yes, then,” Dad said knowingly.

“Yes. He’s gay, told me himself. Something tells me he doesn’t care who knows it, but his parents don’t. And I don’t think he’s anywhere near a safe enough spot to tell them,” Emile hissed.

“Tell that boy that if you two don’t have an apartment by Christmas, that he’s welcome over here. Those people sound like horrible family, and his parents ought to be ashamed of what they did to him,” Dad said firmly.

“Thanks, Dad, but we already have the money for a safety deposit and first month’s rent, it’s more a matter of me finding a job after the Christmas rush,” Emile said.

“Should I make a couple calls?” Dad asked.

Emile shook his head. “I don’t think so. It’s going to be a low-level retail-type job that I get, because that’s what I can work with school. No need for you to pull strings if I can’t even take the opportunity to use them.”

“Just remember, all you have to do is say the word,” Dad reminded him. “I’ll put my ear to the ground and see if anyone needs help out there.”

“I know,” Emile said. “Maybe when grad school happens, depending on how many classes I have to take. For now, though, I’m content working at, like, Target or something.”

“Who’s working at Target?” his mother asked from the edge of the kitchen.

“Hey, no, out! We don’t want you burning any of the food!” his dad said, playfully whipping a dishrag at her.

His mother took one step backward until she was out of the doorway to the kitchen, before crossing her arms. “Who’s working at Target?” she repeated.

“Well, it’s one of the places I’ve applied to,” Emile said. “Nothing definite. But...my friend Remy and I are going to be getting our own place off campus, and that’s my way of helping to pay the rent.”

“Oh,” his mother said, surprised. “Would this be the same Remy you told us about at the beginning of the school year?”

“Yeah, the one and the same,” Emile said. “College is killing him, but his parents aren’t nearly as supportive as you guys are, so I’m going to help him with rent on a place so that he doesn’t have to keep going to school.”

“Oh, okay then,” his mother said. “If you ever fall short the money for food or anything like that over the summer, let your father and myself know. We’ll come over armed with half a grocery store.”

Emile laughed. “I hope that won’t happen, but I promise to let you know. And when we can afford a landline, I will call you still. Until then, letters are going to be my new best friend.”

His mother smiled at him. “I really hope this works out for the both of you, Emile.”

“I do too,” Emile said, smiling.

“Now, I’ll go back to talking with your grandfather, you two just make sure that nothing ends up burning.”

“Will do, Mom,” Emile said with a playful salute.

She shook her head fondly and left sight quickly. Dad nudged him. “So, are you going to tell me more about Remy? We only really know his name, at this point.”

“Well, he’s got a pretty hard exterior,” Emile said. “It’s very hard to get past that, honestly. But he’s kinda sweet once you get to know him. I say ‘kinda’ because his parents did a number on him. But I’m slowly teaching him people skills, and he’s actually really good at making conversation, even if he doesn’t always read people correctly. He’s learned to not play off hurt feelings as a joke, by now, which is a huge improvement.”

His dad smiled at him and Emile offered a confused smile back. “What?”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing,” his dad waved off.

“I’m sure it’s not,” Emile said. “What is it?”

“You seem rather fond of him,” he said.

“Well, yeah, he’s my friend,” Emile said, shaking his head as he started to mash the potatoes. “I don’t see your point here.”

“You’re bisexual, Emile,” Dad said. “He’s gay. You’re both in each other’s dating pool. You’re moving in together. Are you two...involved at all?”

“What?” Emile asked.

“There’s no shame in it if you are,” Dad rushed to assure him. “You just appear to be very fond of him.”

“Yeah, like, as a best friend thing, not in an I want to date him thing! I mean, he’s cute, sure, but like...he’s not...he’s not very nice, still. Like, he’s made so many improvements, and I’m proud of him for that, but I don’t think I could be with him the way he is right now,” Emile said. “He’s still mean sometimes. And I know that no one can be nice one-hundred percent of the time, even I’m not nice that much. But...I’m mean at maybe ten percent of the time. He’s mean, like, forty percent of the time.”

“Ah. I understand why you don’t like that ratio,” Dad said knowingly. “You always were the type who wouldn’t hang around the mean kids unless you could make them a little less mean.”

“Yeah. And I never dated anyone who didn’t act nice to people they didn’t know, because everyone deserves kindness,” Emile added. “Remy isn’t quite there yet. I like to think he could get there, but he isn’t right now.”

“He most certainly could get there, with you as his teacher, I have no doubt about that,” Dad said. “But he has to want it, first, and that’s the key to getting real progress.”

“I know,” Emile said. “And he doesn’t want it. At least, he doesn’t want any friends outside me. Has too many bad past experiences, apparently.”

Dad sighed. “Those are the hardest ones to gain trust from, Emile. I sincerely hope you never take advantage of the trust this Remy puts in you.”

“I would never dream of it,” Emile said with absolute certainty. “Remy is my friend, and I would never want to hurt him, ever.”

“Good,” Dad said with a nod. “Now, at the same time, you can’t be his therapist all the time, either. He needs a friend, not a clinical perspective. An outside view is healthy in moderation, but you have to make sure there is just that: moderation. It’s crucial to any friendship that you have an agreement that when it comes to priorities, each of you come first in your own respective lists. I know you want to help, Emile, and I know it’s hard to see people self-destruct. But if you’re not in a position to be helping that person without damaging yourself, the both of you will only end up more hurt.”

“I know all this, Dad,” Emile said patiently.

“I know you know it. But a refresher never hurts,” Dad replied easily.

Emile sighed and nodded to show Dad he understood, and they went back to cooking. Emile mashed the potatoes while Dad handled the gravy, and both of them kept one eye on the oven to make sure the turkey was being cooked properly. Emile took the cranberry sauce while Dad handled the corn, and soon enough, they had enough food prepared to feed themselves, Emile’s mom, and his grandfather.

Together, he and his Dad set everything up at the dinner table, and Mom and Grandpa came in as they heard the shuffle of feet and plates. “It looks amazing, as always,” Mom said.

Emile beamed. It wasn’t easy to set everything up for Thanksgiving, but it was worth it. And every year, he was becoming a bolder and better cook.

They sat down, said grace, and started to eat. Conversation was light, mostly about Emile’s time at college, the friends he had met, and his plans for the future. He mentioned that he was planning on moving in with Remy to his grandfather, but wisely chose to leave out the part about Remy’s abuse, and didn’t even touch the subject of him being bisexual. As much as he absolutely adored his grandfather, he did have a few...less than savory views on the queer community.

Once dinner was over, Dad and Grandpa went to the living room to watch the football game, while his mother pulled him aside, her face worried. “Emile, can we talk about your friend Remy for a minute?”

“Sure, I guess,” Emile said. “Should we go to my room, or something?”

“Somewhere private is best,” his mother agreed.

They went to his room and Emile sat on his bed, watching his mother pace the length of the room after the door was closed. “Are you certain that you want to move in with this friend, Emile?” she asked.

“Yeah, Mom, I’m sure.”

“You’re not just doing it because you think it will be better than the dorms? You’re aware that you’ll have to pay half the rent and utilities, and maybe even the food that isn’t covered by your meal plan?” Mom clarified.

“No, I’m not trying to escape the dorms, Mom. I’m doing it to help Remy, so that he doesn’t kill himself from overworking and stress. I know I’ll have to work hard over the summer, and even during the school year, to ensure that rent is paid. I know the risks.”

“And you know that Remy will hold up his end of the bargain? He won’t just skip out on you the second he gets the chance?”

“He doesn’t have a choice, Mom. I’m the only option he has if he doesn’t go to college,” Emile said.

Mom looked a little upset but nodded. “If you’re sure, then you have my blessing. Just, be careful, Emile.”

“Always, Mom,” Emile promised.

She left the room and Emile’s cell phone rang. He answered it without a second thought. “Hello?” he asked.

The shaky breathing on the other end of the phone made his hackles rise. “E-Emile...” Remy stammered out. “I...I thi-think I need help...”

[insfiringyou]

BTS - Jin Proposes

Contains: Fluff. Graduating university. Career Talk. Discussion of both sets of parents meeting. Surprise proposal. 

Although this can be enjoyed on its own, this is part of our headcanon storyline and we imagine the reader here as Min-seo, our headcanon girlfriend for Jin. This is set around one and a half years into their relationship. There is also a brief mention of Suga and Jeong-sun who have split up a few months before this fic takes place. 

Find out more about our headcanon universe, ongoing storyline and original characters here. & To read each member & their girlfriend’s headcanon universe fics in order, follow the links here:

RM   /   Jin  /   Suga  /   J-Hope   /   Jimin   /   V   /   Jungkook & our full masterlist can be found here

Content below cut

You had to shake your head a little to dislodge the copper coloured leaf which found itself in your hair as you left the high-ceiling-ed building and stood atop the stone steps. The social sciences building was the oldest on campus and the current view, from the steps, offered a breathtaking view of the university-owned park which stood at the end of the pedestrianised street. Canopies of scarlet and amber lined the edges of what remained of the grass and flower beds; the slight breeze aiding the leaves which had not yet fallen to join their friends on the ground. You couldn’t help but pause for a moment to appreciate the wide, open space in front of you, almost forgetting how heavy the carrier bag in your hand was and the way it dug into your fingers as you took in the sight. You wondered whether you would have much need to visit this part of the city again now you had graduated. The thought of not walking through the park most days on your way to class made you feel a little sad. 

The thought soon dispersed and was replaced with a warm smile as you noticed a figure make his way through the arched iron gates across the road. Jin was dressed for the crisp autumn weather in a pale turtleneck sweater and a pair of cornflower-coloured jeans; his round spectacles and brown loafers completing the look. He didn’t look an inch out of place among the new influx of students as they weaved in and out of the park gates, darting from building to building in order to make it to class on time and nobody paid him any attention as he crossed the pedestrian crossing and climbed the stone steps. 

“Did you get everything you needed?” He smiled as he reached your side. Your chest grew warm in response at seeing him; it always did, no matter how short your time apart was. You noticed him glance down at the carrier bag which was currently digging long grooves into your fingers; filled with books, folders and ring-bound essays you had freed from your locker earlier in the afternoon. 

“Yeah…” You held it out to show him as you walked down the steps in unison and stopped at the curb to allow a bike to ride past.

“I’ve booked the table for seven o’clock…is that alright?” Jin asked, slipping the carrier from your hand easily as his warm fingers found yours. You nodded, crossing the street. Going out to dinner had been his idea to celebrate your final day on campus. His parents had been disappointed to find you were only able to purchase four tickets for your graduation ceremony the previous week and you had already invited your older sister along with your parents and Jin. You knew that they had also wanted to be there, alongside your boyfriend in the front row, and this was their way of making it up to you. 

“Are your parents already in Seoul?” You asked. They had been due to fly in from a holiday abroad at some point today.

He nodded. “They wanted to be at the restaurant early to decorate the table.” 

You couldn’t help but grin at his indiscretion. “Mine have framed the picture already.” You rolled your eyes slightly as you passed under the iron gate marking the entrance to the park. The photograph of you in your cap and gown had adorned the living room mantle in your parent’s house for the last two days and they wouldn’t stop showing their friends. You knew they were just proud of you, but it was becoming embarrassing. 

“So when are you going to start your Master’s?” Golden leaves crunched under your shoes as you walked side by side. You knew from the tone in his voice he was being playful, but the comment inadvertently filled your chest with dread. You had been hearing similar questions for the past week from almost everyone you ran into: whether you were going to continue your studies or search for a graduate job straight away. While your current part-time retail position was not the best paid or challenging in the world, you liked your colleagues and the hours suited you and, if you were honest with yourself, you didn’t feel quite ready to move on yet. 

You blushed. “I’ve only just graduated. I haven’t even thought about that yet.”

Jin protested dramatically. “But I really liked your ceremony…I was looking forward to another one.” 

This made you grin despite yourself as you remembered seeing him in the audience as you walked up on stage to shake the Vice Chairman’s hand. “Then why were you crying?”

“I just had something in my eye.” He said with a smile. You knew he didn’t mind you knowing; it had been an emotional day for you too. You felt his hand tighten around yours, squeezing it lovingly. “Shall we go this way?” He nodded towards a narrow gravel pathway which curved around a bed of royal blue Chinese bellflowers. 

“Yeah.” You murmured indifferently, following his lead and vaguely noticing the change as the soft crunching sounds under your Converse made way to the champ-champ sound of small stones. 

Jin turned to you. “I liked your gown.”

You shrugged with a smile. “It was just rented.” You didn’t mention that you had worked overtime every day for an entire week to afford it. Your mom and dad had offered to pay but you protested; it was your ceremony and it felt only right that your first action as a graduate should be to pay for it yourself. 

“You looked like you were going to Hogwarts.” Jin chuckled, clearly thinking of the way the black gown had skimmed your ankles and flowed behind you as you walked up the steps and onto the wooden stage. Unlike him, it was your only time on stage in your life, unless you counted your part as Mary in the Nativity during kindergarten. You smiled in reply and, after a few moments of walking, Jin vocalised the fear you had felt since that day last week. “Are you nervous?” He asked softly. 

You hesitated before answering, although you knew what he meant. “There’s not many graduate jobs in Seoul for a Sociology major…”

“You’ll find something.” The easy confidence in his voice was convincing and you couldn’t help but believe that he was right. You slowed down as you noticed the gravel walkway, running between two fenced flower beds, had been cordoned off up ahead with a pink and white ribbon which stretched from one iron post to the other. The tie was at chest height and Jin, letting go of your hand, easily ducked under it before turning to you. He met your nervous glance as he slid his glasses up the bridge of his nose. 

“I don’t think we’re supposed to go in there…” You looked both ways anxiously, checking to see if anyone had noticed.

“It’ll be fine.” He held his hand out under the tie, waiting for you. “Now you’re a graduate, you can do what you want!” His wide, toothy smile made his eyes crinkle sweetly at the corners, making your chest flutter. 

“Not if we get stopped by the park-police.” You smirked, still a little timid as you joined him on the other side of the barrier. Although you couldn’t work out what the ribbon was for, the thought of breaking some kind of public rule was sort of exciting. 

Jin bent down to pick up a stray twig on the gravel. “You could always stupefy them with this!” He brandished it with enthusiasm, bouncing along your side. You couldn’t help but notice how energetic he was for a chilly autumn afternoon. You yourself had been unable to sleep for half the night, the strange prospect of it being your last day in the dormitory you had lived in for three years playing on your mind. 

“I haven’t actually seen Harry Potter…” You murmur. 

“It’s about a boy who’s a wizard.” He pauses. “And an owl.”

“I know.”

He turned to look at you, his expressions and movements a little fidgety and jumpy. You wondered if he was nervous about the dinner and seeing your parents again. He always seemed effortlessly confident and charming around them; the perfect gentleman, but you had to wonder whether deep down he had his own anxieties about them. “I thought you hadn’t seen it?” He asked. 

You shrug easily, teasing. “I don’t live under a rock.” He smiled in reply as you stroked his knuckle softly with the pad of your thumb. You walked another few moments in near-silence; the only sound being the soft crushing sounds of your soles against sand-coloured gravel and the slow, rhythmic exhalations of your breathing. You wondered whether he was busy tomorrow and if he would mind if you asked to stay the night. His apartment was closer to the restaurant and you didn’t really want to spend another night with your parents making you talk to your extended family on the phone to explain what you were going to do with your 2:1 degree. Jin hadn’t mentioned any plans beyond the sit-down meal at the restaurant, but you had seen how hectic his schedule was recently with the new album coming out a couple of months ago. That reminded you…

 “How’s Yoongi?” You asked. While Jin’s band-mate was unarguably a man of few words, he always made the effort to talk to you when you were at events together and his presence often had the ability to make you feel at ease. You had been both shocked and strangely saddened to hear of his breakup and even more surprised to discover that most of his friends had not even known he had been dating. You remembered vividly the way Yoongi had looked at the woman in question during the yacht party almost a year before and the way she cooly met his gaze; their familiarity and ease with one another both intimate and wistful. You had known they were lovers almost from the second you saw them inhabit the same space. 

Jin paused. “Getting there.”

You looked at him, trying to read his expression. “And Jeong-sun?” 

You were curious about the older woman who had been both kind and helpful towards you, the night on the yacht.

“I don’t really know.” You saw the honesty in his face. “I don’t have her number.”

You thought this through for a moment before sighing softly. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before…I thought you all knew.” 

“If I was a better friend, I might have realised sooner.” He sounded sad and you squeezed his hand gently. 

“Well, you’re here for him now.” You said gently. He was silent in return and, you sensed, deep in thought. You changed the subject, noticing for the first time that you hadn’t seen another person besides Jin in over twenty minutes. “I wonder why it’s cordoned off?”

He immediately perked up. “Maybe they found a body.”

You couldn’t help but laugh, despite his macabre suggestion. “It wouldn’t be pink…” You shook your head, thinking. “Maybe it’s someone’s birthday.”

“Maybe…” He murmured, voice wandering off before changing the topic. “Are you going to frame your degree?”

You shrugged. “It might take months to arrive.”

“What about the thing you were holding?”

“The scroll? It was just a prop…they had to hand me something, it would have looked silly otherwise.”

Jin smiled, putting his hand gently on your waist. “This way…” He led you casually down another branch in the path. The gravel made made for soft, spongy grass as you weaved your way down the narrow bend. Violet and mauve sprigs of Sweet Alyssum surrounded you on both sides; scenting the air as you walked. “You’re parents will meet us outside the restaurant.” He explained. 

You felt your chest drop a little. “I hope they get along.” Although you had both met each other’s parents on many occasions, this was the first time the two families would meet each other. 

“How could they not?” He smiled reassuring. “Your mom’s just like you…my parents will love her.”

You sighed. “But you know my dad will show them his weird birthmark!”

“The one that looks like the Republic of China?” He grinned. 

“Only if you squint really hard.” You rolled your eyes. “It’s his favourite party trick.”

Jin’s hand found your shoulder, palming it gently as you turned another bend. “I’m sure they won’t mind.”

You highly doubted it but pushed the thought to the back of your mind as you became more aware of the silence around you. “Are you sure there’s an exit this way?” You looked around at the sea of purple. 

“I’m sure.” He said easily as the path veered off to the right and the flower beds made way for a wide expanse of lawn. You peered up ahead at the little whitewashed bandstand which stood in a clearing at the end of the path. You recognised it at once; it was where the university had hosted their welcome event in your first year, with little tents and stands set up around the wooden structure in the empty patch of grass. You could see more pink and white ribbons, like the ones you had seen blocking off the path, wrapped around the octagonal banister. A white streamer hung from the beamed roof, but you were unable to see what it said from this angle. 

“Oh look, someone’s brought banners.” You exclaimed, sensing you had been right about the birthday. 

“Let’s see…” Jin smiled, letting go of your hand as you rushed ahead to circle the platform. He watched as you found the open side and walked the few steps which led to the eight-sided stretch of decking to read the cream-coloured banner. You stopped as you read the neat script, mouth tugging upwards in an open mouthed smile. 

WILL YOU MARRY ME? 

How sweet, you thought, wondering if the lucky girl had already passed the sign or not and if the groom-to-be was also a student. The park was university-owned after all. You turned around to show Jin; he had been a little way behind you when you rushed over to the bandstand, but stopped in your tracks as his eyes met yours. He was bending down at the bottom of the steps, resting on one knee. 

“Did you fall?” You asked as you stepped towards him. Your lips were parted as you reached the edge of the platform and stopped. Your cheeks suddenly felt hot and your stomach somersaulted as you looked down at him. You were beginning to understand, but a part of you didn’t quite believe it…didn’t register that this was all for you. 

“So will you?” He asked. His brown eyes were wide and expectant. You opened your mouth to speak but found no words came out. You found yourself thinking of the first time you met, almost two years before when he had entered the department store you worked at, looking to buy a formal suit for an award ceremony. The memory was comforting as well as amusing; recently the group had entire flocks of designers to dress them for shows in suits which cost more than your entire yearly paycheck but on that day he had gotten down on one knee in front of you as you reached the tape measure around his neck. No matter how many times you did this, it always made you nervous and you felt your hands shake a little as you pulled the cord tighter, trying to read the measurement. He lightened the tension by making a joke. “What?” You had asked, with a grin, not quite hearing him over the thudding in your ears. He repeated: “I said, I’m sorry…I left the ring in my other jacket.” You felt your heart skip a beat in your chest. You hadn’t thought about that first meeting in a long time; there were so many memories with Jin since, but now, you remembered as though it were yesterday. 

You realised you had been stunned into silent for almost half a minute, starring at your boyfriend, unable to speak. You found yourself worrying that he would take this the wrong way; that you were rejecting his proposal, and grew increasingly frustrated with your own, stunned body. His expression remained soft as his eyes met yours. 

 “I’ll take really good care of you.” He added; eyes wider than ever. There was a second of understanding; of processing the earnest meaning of his words, before you felt the air being sucked out of your lungs as your chest and stomach lurched. The sensation was simultaneously both the most painful and wonderful thing you had ever experienced and you were aware that you had started to sob before you even felt the hot, salty flood of tears stain your cheeks. Your eyes closed shut against the sting as you clasped your hand to your mouth, desperately wanting to shout yes, yes, yes as loud as you could over and over again, but only able to cry audibly. 

You felt Jin’s arms around you, cradling your shoulders and torso against his wide shoulders, holding you to him. One hand cupped your damp cheek as you blindly pressed the other against the soft, warm wool of his sweater and you nodded against his palm, your entire body trembling as you accepted his offer; having never been so sure of anything in your entire life than you were now. His mouth was against you a moment later, kissing your lips, nose, cheeks… You kissed him back frantically, your lips trailing over his skin restlessly as you continued to sob. All around, the park was silent, giving you your privacy as you clung ever closer to each other.

***

Thanks for reading & stay tuned for more headcanon fics coming soon. 

To read each member & their girlfriend’s headcanon universe fics in order, follow the links here: RM   /   Jin   /   Suga   /   J-Hope   /   Jimin   /   V   /   Jungkook

Please check out our full masterlist here for many more fics, scenarios, lists etc.

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[thewayiremember]

4.5 - PARENTS

           I’m five years of age, playing with my toys in our small and smelly apartment in Poland. I don’t know the man that mom’s brought home today. He whispers something in her ear and she smiles. I wonder what’s so funny. She never smiles! Their faces get too close to each other and my mom decides to stop this foolishness and gets up to show him the rest of the apartment. She shows him the bedroom first.

           I’m hungry. Actually, I’ve been hungry for a while now, but I don’t say anything in case mom gets emotional like she did the last time when I was complaining. She doesn’t like it when I ask her for things and then she starts saying bad words. I don’t know what is so fascinating about our bedroom, but they’re spending quite some time in there, so I decide to climb up the stool to have a chance of reaching the tabletop. I do. And what I find is beyond my expectations. I was hoping for some fresh loaf of bread, but I discover something way better. A beautiful cake with chocolate topping still slightly dripping off the edges. That’s what she was doing when she told me not to interrupt her while she was in the kitchen!

           I wonder if it’s for me. Maybe she wanted to surprise me and that’s why she didn’t want me to see it. I wish I knew how to read and figure out what those white decorative letters mean. But… we don’t know any people… Surely it can’t be for that guy in the other room… She barely knows him! And if it’s for me then I’m certain that she wouldn’t mind if I ate some of it now. I don’t like when my belly makes those weird noises. It hurts.

           Mom’s always in a good mood when her guy friends are coming over. This time is no different.

“Call me,” she whispers to him while they’re saying goodbye to each other at the door.

“Mhm, sure,” he doesn’t sound sure. But she’s pleased either way and after she closes the door and turns around to face me, her smile fades away.

“What’s that on your face?” she asks. Her voice is shaky. She slowly passes me by carefully examining my face from a distance and eventually enters the kitchen. For a while, she doesn’t say anything, but then she grabs the phone and dials a number. “I’m sorry Mrs. Kamińska, but unfortunately your order won’t be ready today… yes, I’m really sorry for the trouble.” She hangs up and goes to the bedroom again. She’s been very tired lately. I think it might have something to do with me…

           I’m five years of age, but later. When you’re only five the time goes slower, so it feels like a lot more than just later. My mom is on the phone with her mom.

“Please, can I leave him with you? Just for a couple of months, to get started.” You already had this conversation with grandma, remember mom? They took the cat last week. I don’t think she’s pleased with the answer, because she hangs up and starts crying. She must have really loved that cat. I’m sure they will take care of him just fine.

           I’m still five years old, but more six than five. Mom got a new place for us, but everything here is so different. It’s always sunny, and people use words I’ve never heard before. We’re like on a whole another planet. Mom calls it America.

           Our new apartment is even smaller than the one we had back in Poland, but at least it doesn’t smell. I have my own bed now, and I’ve never realized before how much it affects the quality of sleep. That’s the nicest change so far.

           I’m six and all grown up. Mom has a new guy friend, David, who I guess called back as he promised because he keeps coming back from time to time. He likes telling stories my brain doesn’t comprehend that well, perhaps because of the language barrier, but my mom is fascinated by them. She earns money by making sweets now. I’m surprised I’m not fat yet after all the cakes I’ve been having for breakfast lately. Sometimes she takes me to her bakery so that I am not home alone, but there are always so many people and I can’t focus on doing my homework. I’ve been a freshman for only a month and I already have so much work. School is brutal. I don’t understand most of it, but my teachers are pretty forgiving. For now. Even Mrs. Garcia who doesn’t have the best reputation among kids sees my struggle and patiently waits for me to adapt.

           I’m six and a half and I call David “dad”, now, so I guess he’s staying for longer. Sometimes he wants to play soccer with me after school. I’m not good at soccer. I’m not good at anything. He doesn’t like it. He says I should be good at soccer and that he doesn’t understand why the only activity I like is gymnastics. You don’t have a team, you work alone, what’s not to like? No one can blame you for messing up. But every time mom’s with him her mood comes up so I go along and play with him every time he asks because I don’t want to scare him away.  

           David works as a history teacher at my school, but I think someone forces him to do it since he always comes home annoyed. Much like mom used to when she worked in retail or as a waitress. I don’t blame him, teenagers are even worse than kids my age. I overheard David and mom talking about him quitting his job and getting a new one at the museum. I think that’d be great. The less angry people in this world the better.

           On Christmas Eve David tells mom he has a present for her. “It’s a big one,” he says. We get into his car and drive for a while. For the whole ride, mom can’t stop trying to guess what it is, but when we finally arrive at the planned destination it turns out none of it was correct. He bought her a house as a present? What is he, rich?

“Let’s move in together, what do you say?” he asks, and mom indeed has a lot to say as she jumps around from excitement. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so happy.

           The house is enormous. Big enough to get lost inside. The bathroom has both a bathtub and a shower cabin. Like in the movies. Mom is the most thrilled about the kitchen. And no wonder she is, it’s the size of our current living room. And it has a dishwasher! We’re going to live like rich people.

“Wow, there are even more rooms above us? Do I get my own?” I shriek from anticipation in my poor English as I walk up to the stairs, but I quickly regret my question when I see the look on David’s face.

“As a matter of fact, yes, you do, but you’re going to have to behave from now on,” he uttered. What does he mean? When have I not behaved? I wait for him to elaborate, but he doesn’t. I think when he said “Let’s move in together,” he really meant just mom and him and I’m just a necessary price that comes with it. I hope that by behaving he meant getting out of his way. That would be easy.

           My room is huge! And not just because it’s still empty. I think even when we get some furniture and the biggest bed in the world there’ll still be plenty of space to do… whatever people do in their own rooms. I’ll figure it out.

           We move in a month later leaving the apartment life behind us. I have to get used to the silence but I think that’s for the best. No more covering my ears when “grown-ups are talking”, no more listening to “mind your business, Ian”, and no more going to bed before 8:00.

          The neighborhood seems to be nice. Perfect families with smiling parents everywhere you look. Each house competing in size and the amount of Christmas decorations still hanging up at the end of January. Just like you see on TV.

          The house across ours stands out in its normality. It almost looks weird compared to the other ones. They also must have moved in not that long ago because they keep bringing more boxes inside. It’s a small family, like ours. Mom, dad, and a boy. He might be my age.  

          I wonder if he has made any friends, yet. I haven’t. But that’s okay. Maybe when my English gets better I’ll start saying “hi” to people. For now, I’m embarrassed that I’m six years old and don’t know how to speak. But I’m not worried, it’s all going to fit into place eventually, isn’t it?

[artcenterstories]

Climbing the Ladder: Meet Catalyst CCO Josh Wright

AC: What inspired you to co-found Catalyst? Josh Wright (BS Product Design '03) Co-Founder and Chief Creative Officer, Catalyst: The seed was planted when I was at ArtCenter. The College trains you to think about design, not just from the aesthetic or mechanical point of view, but also from a business perspective.

At ArtCenter, I was encouraged to look for a business partner. When you have someone who focuses on the financials, you can focus on making design work for the business.

AC: You've had an interesting career trajectory. Can you speak about your journey? JW: Designing for an outdoor lifestyle has always been important to me. In the early years of my career, I started working in California, designing a lot of sports and lifestyle products, including footwear and backpacks for various surf, skate and snow companies.

Then, I moved to Wichita, Kansas, to work for the iconic Coleman company. It was a cool experience because it was a very small design team, and I got to touch all of their products. After six months, I contributed $30 million to the company's bottom line.

That's something else ArtCenter taught me: Don't go to Porsche; don't go to Apple — they already have great design. Go to a brand that doesn't have great design, yet. Bringing good design and storytelling to their products transformed a 100-year-old brand into something fresh and fun. And they still sell some of my products today.

I later worked at Tumi in New York designing some of their carbon-fiber luggage and helping to expand some of the product categories into footwear, wristwatches and apparel. In 2006, I got this amazing opportunity in Hong Kong and I spent the next four years working at a world-class design consultancy firm. But I was always on the lookout for a business partner, based on what I had learned in school.

AC: How did you meet your Catalyst co-founder? JW: Rock climbing. It's one of the reasons I wanted to move here — the climbing community in Hong Kong brings together such a diverse group of people. My co-founder and I have such different backgrounds — she's from bio-tech and finance.

Through the years, we developed a friendship based on trust from countless days of climbing the jungles. We realized that we had complementary skills, with her business and my design background and our mutual desire to be outdoors. We wanted to create outdoor products that brought value to people's lives — that was the genesis of Catalyst.

AC: What was the first Catalyst product you designed? JW: At the time in 2010, the iPhone was becoming the device of choice, even for climbers, so our product was a fully waterproof protective iPhone 4 case. Soon after, we launched and had a successful Kickstarter campaign.

Today, Catalyst has reached a tipping point where it's becoming a global household brand name; our products are available in over 70 countries and major retailers, including Apple, BestBuy and Target, as well as eight Amazon marketplaces, four Shopify websites and WeChat in China.

AC: Catalyst 20L Waterproof backpack recently received the prestigious Red Dot Award. Can you speak about the design process? JW: Each of our products fills a need and solves a problem. The waterproof backpack offers travelers an ultra-compact, -lightweight pack that folds into a carry pouch that's a little smaller than a 12-ounce soda can.

Waterproof is a core component of Catalyst. I'm kind of a nerd for waterproof products.

I've used this bag as a flotation device while snorkeling in Thailand. I've carried it through heavy tropical rainstorms and through a canyoneering trip in northern Italy, where I was jumping off waterfalls. The backpack works incredibly well. When the bag is rolled up, anything you keep inside it will stay dry.

AC: What are you working on right now? JW: We're always working on something new — we launch eight to 12 products every year. We were the first company to make waterproof cases for Apple watch and AirPods.

The backpack line is something we're currently working on expanding, and soft goods in general. We're heavily focused on expanding our business solutions for industrial applications of our products, including for oil and gas, hospitals and schools.

AC: How do you define success? JW: Being able to create products I believe that bring value to the people who use them, and seeing a lantern I designed for the Coleman company being used on the show The Walking Dead.

AC: Do you have any superstitions? JW: My dad always told me that it is bad luck to be superstitious and I live by that.

AC: What’s the design cliché you’re most tempted to use? JW: I really subscribe to modernism. I believe that form should follow function with zero added details for ornamentation. Everything I build is intentionally designed, but not decorative. We are loosening up this "cliché" by adding some fashion and styling elements to some of our future collections, which I'm pretty excited about.

AC: What’s the one tool you can’t do without? JW: My iPhone.

AC: What’s the first site you look at when you open your computer in the morning? JW: Slack.

AC: What do you do to detox from media and screens? JW: It's not just screens, it's the city itself because Hong Kong is so crowded. My detox is my weekends out in nature: rock climbing, hiking, canyoneering or surfing. I think an amazing secret of Hong Kong is that two-thirds of the territory is subtropical jungle with unreal, pristine waterfalls and beaches.

AC: If you could trade jobs with anyone for a day who would it be? JW: As a designer, there's no other job I'd rather be doing. But as a kid, I always wanted to be a marine biologist like Jacques Cousteau.

AC: What book is on your bedside table? JW: I have three books; none of them are finished. One is a history book called Tragedy & Hope: A History of the World in Our Time, another is a business book The E Myth and the third is a just-for-fun, fiction book called This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don't Touch It (John Dies at the End).

AC: Who are the most interesting designers working today? JW: Marc Newson. I also really like Michael Young — he's a British-born designer based in Hong Kong. Toy designer Michael Lau was at the forefront of the urban vinyl movement and I love his style. I'm also a huge fan of James Dyson, Jonathan Ive, and entertainment designer Stan Winston has always inspired me.

AC: Were you exposed to design growing up? JW: I come from quite an artistic and mechanically inclined family. My grandfather was a renaissance man: a photographer, inventor, mechanic, engineer, architect, designer... He had so many hobbies and passions, and he created so many things. He made all of my grandmother's jewelry.

He designed and physically built the house his family lived in, including the thermostat and heating system from spare parts. He built motorcycles for my mother and her siblings. When I was a kid, he built us a tree house with a zip line, which was super dangerous, and go-karts. I was always around people who were artistic and creating things.

AC: Describe a moment in your childhood when you first identified as a designer. JW: When I was in high school, I was lucky to have an art teacher who brought in different brochures from art and design schools around the world. For the first time, I was aware you could design cars, toys or products as a career. As a kid, I was always sketching, building models, taking things apart and putting them together. When I found out it was a career path, there was no other option for me.

AC: If you could have a superpower, what would it be? JW: Eternal life — I have too many hobbies and not enough time.

AC: What’s your most prized possession? JW: My grandfather passed away this year, and I have the camera he used when he was working as a photographer and a backpack he built for his Boy Scout group in the 1950s.

AC: Where is your happy place? JW: There are so many! Twenty meters deep, swimming with manta rays off the coast of Thailand, snowboarding in Japan. There's a canyon in Hong Kong that looks like Jurassic Park — it's just so raw with waterfalls everywhere. But to summarize, my happy place is being outside in a gorgeous location with people I care about.

AC: How would your closest friend describe you? JW: A relentless, laser-focused — I hate to say it — asshole, but with a heart of gold.

[shookethbrooketh]

Christmas Constellations

Summary: Phil works putting up signs at a department store, and the signs never stop getting bigger and better. All the department store chains never cease to attempt to one-up each other, and this holiday season Phil’s has decided to try to beat out the competition with inclusiveness and feature a gay couple in their ads. As annoying as putting up a whole line of ads is, Phil can’t help but find himself infatuated with one of the men in the picture. After staring at him for too many shifts in a row, Phil ends up obsessively wondering if he’s single and if he’s even gay. Eventually he decides that there’s only one way to find out.

Warnings: Alcohol, Food, Cheating (sort of)

Word Count: 13.3k

Artist: @snekydingdong Beta: @diamond0604

A/N: This is one of two fics I’ve written for the @phandomreversebang, and as much as I love the other one, this one is definitely my favorite. I’d also like to give a MASSIVE thank you to my beta, Rachel, who was absolutely incredible. I hope you all enjoy! 

Read it on Ao3

“We have something extra special for you today!” Cheryl, Phil’s manager announced, her tone coated in a false sense of cheeriness, even though Phil could have told from a mile away that she was just as miserable as the rest of them. The only thing giving her the incentive to even attempt to spur excitement in her workers was the extra money in her paycheck. “Today, we’re going to be revealing this year’s Christmas advert!”

There was a collective groan from all the employees, but Phil didn’t bother. Logically, he should have been the one groaning the loudest, since he was the one who would have to put up all the signs, but the adverts were no new news. It was the first of December, and it was the same thing year in and year out. It was that shitty, shitty time of year once again.

“Come on, guys! Christmas is exciting!” Cheryl tried to egg them on again, but to no avail.

“More work,” Gail muttered, and Phil snorted. She seemed to be joking, but only to a certain extent; she didn’t want the Christmas rush any more than Phil did. Gail, a short woman with long, red hair, was by far his closest friend in the store, and they had the same, terrible sense of humor.

“Not that I don’t love Christmas,” Phil chimed in, “the holiday itself is great; I just can’t stand the signage. There’s so much of it, and there’s so much stuff to stock, and not enough room to put it on the shelves. Not to mention the millions of customers. I love the holiday season, but I hate the busy season,” he ranted.

“Well, do you want to see the ad, or not?” Cheryl huffed, gesturing to the small flat screen they’d carted in to show the video.

“Sure,” Phil replied. “Might as well become get to know the people we’re going to hang out with for the rest of the month.” He couldn’t help but dread the piles and piles of signs he’d end up forced to hang up and then look at with the same few faces on them.

Cheryl turned on the television, and Phil kicked back in his chair. It opened with a little girl looking out her window at falling snow. She appeared dreamy, and she reminded Phil of when he watched the snow fall as a child. It was completely dark, the only light coming from a lamp outside. Her father appeared behind her. “Isn’t the snow a beautiful sight?” he asked.

She smiled and turned to him. “It reminds me of stars in the night sky.”

“Cheesy,” Phil heard Gail mumble.

“You know,” said a male voice through the screen. “I thought that when I was growing up too.” From the other side of the girl appeared another man, and Phil’s brain short circuited.

“We’re gay now?” he heard a coworker say.

“Oh, they’re GAY gay,” Gail, the local lesbian, joked.

Normally, Phil would have responded with some witty yet stupid remark, but his eyes were glued to the screen. He couldn’t tear his stare away from the second of the two dads. There was just something infatuating about him. Well, really, in Phil’s opinion, from his curly, chestnut hair, to his eyes, twinkling like the stars around him, to his flawless smile, there really wasn’t anything about him that wasn’t infatuating.

By then they’d been magically transported to space and were floating around and pointing out festive shapes in the stars.

“Space? Come on, how random can it get?” Gail criticized. “Amirite, Phil?” she added, reaching out and punching him softly. “Phil?”

“Oh, yeah, totally,” he responded blankly, still refusing to turn his gaze from the screen.

Gail raised her eyebrows for a moment before smirking in realization. “Philly has a crush!” she whispered excitedly.

“Do not!” Phil whispered harshly, finally glancing away to give her a dirty look.

“Whatever you say, buddy.”

Phil and Gail spent the morning printing and putting up signs, as they usually did on Mondays or days when sales started. As much as Phil hated the manual labor of either carrying or climbing the ladder, the job was always made tolerable by Gail’s presence, but that day things were a bit different.

“You really can’t take your eyes off him, can you?”

Phil shook his head, tearing away from the actor’s face as it printed from the massive printer. “What?”

“I get we’re the only two gays in the store, but do we really have to act like the only two gays in the store?”

Phil rolled his eyes and groaned at her. “What does it matter anyway? He’s just an actor; it’s not like I’m ever even going to meet him, let alone have a chance with him.”

“So you just think he’s hot.” She narrowed her eyes at him in questioning.

“I just think he’s hot.”

“Fine,” she said, pulling the last poster out of the printer. She took a good look at the man on the poster as they went to get the ladder, “honestly, I’ll give you that. He’s pretty attractive, and I’m a lesbian.”

“Glad we can agree on something.” Phil sighed, pulling the ladder out of storage. They silently went about their normal routine of carrying the ladder out together to where they’d hang their first sign. It was completely normal for them; they’d always follow the same route through the store to hang the signs. They even knew exactly when to switch who was climbing the ladder and who was holding the other steady. It was a sort of a sacred morning routine for the two of them; although climbing a massive ladder to reach the ceiling of a retail building terrified Phil, it was worth it to be able to spend a morning alone banting with his best friend. It was their morning, and no one could take it from them.

Well, maybe the man on the poster could.

“Phil!” Gail shouted, and Phil had to grasp the ladder so tight his knuckles turned white to keep from falling.

“What? You scared the shit out of me!” he shouted angrily down at her. Luckily no one noticed, since he was too distracted by his own exasperation to remember he was screaming obscenities to an entire family-friendly retail store.

“You’ve been up there staring at that damned sign for a minute now! Just put it up and get down!” she breathed up at him. He took a deep breath and shut his eyes for a moment before carefully hanging the sign and coming down. As much as he hated to admit it, the attractive man on the poster was already starting to keep him from doing his job.

“Time to switch?” Phil asked, taking his end of the ladder as they carried it to the next stop.

“I swear, Phil, if you get distracted and drop me, as soon as I recover, I’m gonna kill you.”

“Understood.”

Somehow, Phil managed to stay focused throughout the rest of their signage. The death threats, however unrealistic, might have played a part, but Phil liked to convince himself it was due to his own self control rather than his primal instinct to stay alive.

The afternoon was long and fairly uneventful; Phil spent most of his time helping out on a register to help with the beginning holiday rush.

After they finally clocked out, Phil and Gail walked into the Underground together to catch trains back to their flats. “You really like that guy, huh?” she asked, catching Phil off guard.

“What?” he questioned, starting to sweat. “I mean, yeah, he’s cute, but I don’t know if I’d say I really like him. I’ve never met him.”

“Hm,” she grunted as her train arrived and she stepped in.

“Hm?!” Phil shouted back at her. “What the hell is hm?”

Later that evening, it became very obvious what “hm” was.  

At first, when Gail texted him a link, he was simply terrified, as she had a horrific tendency to send him either cursed videos or terrible memes, but when he opened it, he found a surprise he wasn’t quite sure if he could call pleasant.

There, on his screen, through YouTube, was the very ad they’d watched in the break room that morning. There was the same curly-headed, gay dad he’d been pining for all day. And he still couldn’t take his eyes off him.

It took him a few replays of the video to even remember that he was living real life. He’d fallen into an abyss where the only thing on his mind was the actor’s face until he got a Twitter notification. “Oh, shit!” he yelped, throwing his phone down on the couch beside him in a sudden attempt to keep himself from watching the video for a second longer. He sat for a moment, deep in thought about how utterly pathetic he was, and picked up the phone and swiped away the YouTube tab. “This is ridiculous,” he said, shaking his head. “I need some fresh air.”

It wasn’t that cold of an evening, but it definitely warranted a light jacket. He threw on a hoodie and stepped outside, hands in his pockets. It had already grown dark, but, for a retail worker, he lived in a pretty good part of London. His neighbors were fairly nice, and there was little crime in the area, so he felt save as he wandered the sidewalks in the dark.

He got bored of walking quickly, but he didn’t want to go back to his flat, so he sat down on a bench and looked up at the stars. They were underwhelming, given he was in the center of London. He couldn’t help but wish he could see them all. “Why am I so weird?” he asked the void. He glanced around to make sure there were no people around him to avoid an awkward encounter before he continued talking. “Like, what kind of person has a crush on the actor in a Christmas ad anyway? It’s so overwhelmingly stupid.”

He put his head in his hands and blinked hard before jolting back up. “What does one even do with that? Am I just supposed to walk around all day staring at him for the next month?”

“I wish I could fix this.”

He watched the sky as he spoke, and snow began to fall. It immediately began piling up on the concrete around him. He was in a sort of a concrete jungle; he was sat on the lone bench on his street, and his surroundings were solely buildings and road. It was nice to see snow add some beauty to the grey. He was surprised, though, as it didn’t feel nearly as cold as it would have to be to warrant snowfall, and they didn’t tend to get snow that early in the winter, but he smiled at the snowflakes as they fell onto and melted off of his black hoodie sleeves. Phil had always loved snow.

There was a certain something about snow that just made him smile. He remembered watching the snow fall as a child and being so excited. Snow was uncommon in London, and it was even less common for it to accumulate, so when it did, they almost always got out of school. Snow, for him, just brought back a childlike glee he didn’t get from anything else.

He sighed and stood up, making the short walk back to his flat. He paused before opening the door to his building, taking one last look at the beauty of the falling snow. He watched as each individual flake fluttered to the ground, and his breathing slowed. It was calming, more than anything else. When he got back up to his flat, he made himself some popcorn and put an anime on his television. Finally at peace, he smiled as his phone was left discarded on the other side of the couch.

“You sent me the ad?” Phil laughed at Gail the next morning.

“Yeah, and you didn’t even thank me! Busy, eh?” she asked, nudging him with her shoulder.

“Oh my God, no!” he squeaked, his face going red. “That’s just weird,” he added in a normal voice.

“Okay, okay,” she said, raising her hands as if to defend herself, “but I’m sure you at least enjoyed it in a completely wholesome and appropriate fashion.”

“I did,” he said, folding his arms and holding his head up high. “However, I ignored it for most of the evening.”

“Well, that’s great! I’m proud of you!” she said, reaching over to give him a pat on the back. “Good luck ignoring it for most of the month.” She pat him a bit harder after that line, and he almost fell forwards. “See ya out there!” she called over her shoulder as she left the break room and went out to the floor.

Phil sighed. “This is gonna be fun.”

Whether or not it was fun was debatable. Trying to ignore the posters was not only not fun but also nearly impossible; they were massive and all over the store. But every now and then, when he did take a look, that could have definitely been considered fun.

A couple weeks passed uneventfully. Well, if you count Phil’s suffering as uneventful, that is. Nothing new happened, but the old was still garbage. It was like the actor was taunting him; everywhere he looked it felt like he was being laughed at.

“You have a crush on a poster!” the cardboard man seemed to say.

Phil didn’t even want to start with the other man. “I get the hot one, and you don’t!”

Worst of all, Phil had been pushed so far that he imagined rude lines being spoken to him by inanimate signs.

“Pathetic,” he sighed as he stared at the poster during a rare slow hour at the register. “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey was playing in the background, and it couldn’t have been more accurate. He was enamored by a picture.

“Man, you’ve really got it bad for him, haven’t you?” Gail asked, appearing at his side after closing her empty register.

“Yes, Gail, I do!” he shouted, and her eyes bugged out of her head.

“Well, that was unexpected.”

“Yeah, well, I give up. I’ve been trying to get rid of him for the last two weeks, but I can’t stop staring at him, and I watch the fucking video five times a day! It’s an obsession, and I’m losing my mind!” he shouted, all his frustration finally pouring out.

“Well,” Gail dragged out, a mischievous look in her eye, “I may be able to help you with that.”

“I can’t tell if this is a wonderful idea or a terrible one.”

“Oh, it’s definitely both.”

Phil groaned, rolling his eyes back in his head. “What is it this time?”

“What if we find him?” she asked, eyes wild.

“Gail, how the hell are we going to do that?”

“I don’t know, but we’re in London, and the Internet has a lot of power. I’m sure we can find it somewhere.”

Phil took a deep breath. At that point, he was desperate. “Fine.”

“Yay!” she exclaimed, bouncing on her toes. “Your place at eight.”

“Wait, what?”

“See you there!”

Sure enough, Gail showed up at Phil’s flat a couple minutes even before eight. He was a bit annoyed that she was early, given that he had five minutes left in his episode of Bake Off, but he turned it off and went to answer the door anyway.

“Ready to find this bitch?” she said cheerily, clapping her hands together. She seemed to have a bit too much energy for Phil’s taste.

Phil bit his lip. “Well, when you put it like that, I’m not-”

“The answer is yes,” she interrupted, carelessly tossing her backpack onto Phil’s couch and heading straight for his kitchen.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“What?” she asked, already popping a bag of popcorn into the microwave. She’d been over to his flat enough times to know exactly where to find the popcorn. “I’m hungry.”

Three minutes later, they were settled on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and open laptops. Apparently Gail’s backpack was packed only with her laptop, her charger, and a good portion of her candy stash. She seemed to be under the impression that they’d be up late and need some sugar.

“First step…” she trailed off, one hand browsing the Internet as the other stuffed her face with popcorn, “the YouTube video. See if there’s any traces from there. Look at all the intricate stuff, like the tags.”

“YouTube has tags?” he asked, dumbfounded as his mouth fell open. How much about his precious Internet did he not know?

“Exactly.”

Phil leaned onto Gail’s shoulder as she expertly opened a screen he had never seen before and began scrolling through it looking for names. Phil began to wonder how many people she had stalked on the Internet.

“Nothing,” she said, closing the tab. “Now what?”

“I don’t know! This was your idea, and, quite frankly, it scares me.” Phil receded to a corner of the couch and put in earbuds, deciding to simply rewatch the ad. “Do whatever; I don’t particularly want to be a part of it.”

“Suit yourself,” she said, getting down to business. As much as Phil tried to ignore her, he couldn’t; he still found himself looking over at her screen. One moment she was on Twitter; the next she was on some sort of Twitter-like website that seemed to be a search engine. After his third rewatch, he closed the ad tab and opened Tumblr. He glanced over at her screen and saw her cropping an image of the actor’s face.

“Now what are you doing?”

“Oh, I’m just gonna run his face through the database,” she said nonchalantly.

“The database?” Phil shrieked. “What the hell is the database?”

She shrugged. “Just the database.”

“Alright, that’s it!” Phil shouted. “No more stalking.”

“But-” she stammered.

“Go home, Gail,” Phil said, straightfaced and stern.

She sighed and packed up her things, leaving without a word. Phil felt a bit guilty; he hoped he hadn’t upset her too much. She was a great friend to him, as was obvious with her going to these lengths to help him. He just didn’t particularly want that help. At least not in the manner she was going about it.

Of course he wanted to find the actor he was crushing on; hell, he’d been dreaming about it for two weeks. He just didn’t want to stalk him. He loved Gail, but she had a tendency to go too far, especially when it was either related to the Internet or the gays.

Phil chose to avoid Gail for a few days as the holidays drew near. He wasn’t ignoring her; he was just giving her space. She never approached him, so he never approached her. Eventually, they met on their way to the Underground and had a casual conversation. It was more of a colleague one than a friend one, and Phil could barely endure it, but it was a conversation.

Eventually, the holidays rolled around. The twenty-third was one of the worst days, but it didn’t get worse than Christmas Eve. Phil and Gail both would have loved to take the day off, but they didn’t have much of a choice. All the other workers had families they needed the break to spend the holidays with; since they’d each come out, their families didn’t like them much. Without an excuse or a place to go, they were lucky to even get Christmas Day off.

About halfway through the hellish day, Gail approached Phil at the register. Their shift had just ended, but Phil was working a double, and Gail had just clocked out. She was checking out two microwave dinners, a box of microwave popcorn, and a few candy bars. “Got plans?” he muttered.

“Not yet,” she replied, not making eye contact with him.

“Who’s the second dinner for?”

“Maybe I’m just buying ahead!” she exclaimed, acting offended.

“Sorry, sorry,” he said, growing quieter on the second word.

“But I was thinking maybe it could be for you… If you wanted it.” She looked up at him, obviously extending an olive branch to end their argument, if one could even call it that.

Phil smiled as he rung up the dinners. “It’s on me.”

After Phil got off work, he headed straight for Gail’s apartment. The two spent the evening on Gail’s couch eating absolute garbage, and it was the best night either of them had experienced in as long as they could remember. Not once did they discuss their conflict or the man from the poster; they simply ate their junk food and watched an anime.

Phil was already tired from his double shift, but his eyes began to droop around the sixth episode. “Hey, Gail?” he reached over to her, but she had already fallen asleep. He picked up his phone and looked at the time; it was 12:13. He smiled at Gail, picking up the blanket she’d fallen asleep with and tucking her in. “Happy Christmas.”

Phil took a cab home and managed to sleep in late. He didn’t have any celebrations to attend that Christmas, so he simply sat in his lounge and watched as many Christmas movies as he could find. He loved the holiday, but it was difficult to do so when he had no one to celebrate it with.

The next day was Boxing Day, and it was all hands on deck at the store. Phil could barely stand the crowds; Boxing Day made him wonder how completely normal human beings could act like such animals. Every now and then he’d see someone who he went to school with come in for the deals. Normally, he’d be embarrassed to be seen working retail in his thirties, but when he saw one of his old classmates fighting an old lady for a vacuum, he realized he probably wasn’t the one who needed to be ashamed. Regardless, the Boxing Day crowds scared the absolute shit out of him, but the one decent thing about working that day was the fact that he rarely had to interact with them. Phil’s Boxing Day job was always signage.

Sure, he had to go in early to take down the Christmas signs and put up the Boxing Day ones, and he had to stay late to change Boxing Day signs to normal sales signs, but it was worth the long day to avoid human contact. He occasionally had to work a register, but most of the day was spent printing out the signs for the next round of sales.

Luckily, he wasn’t the only one working that schedule. Gail was right there with him on the “Hell Shift,” as they’d decided to call it.

It was still plenty dark outside as they took the ladder to the first of the Christmas signs; the doors would open in a few hours, and there were already plenty of people camping outside. Boxing Day was insane. “So,” Gail said as they set the ladder in place, “guess you’re glad to get rid of these, huh?”

Phil shrugged as he climbed up the ladder. “Kinda. I’ll definitely be glad to be rid of the curse of my irrational love for this man, but I won’t miss his face.”

“It’ll always be on YouTube,” Gail joked quietly. She seemed to be acting a bit odd, but Phil chose to ignore it and blame it on the ungodly time of day.

They went about their morning and took down most of the signs. All the posters and displays had been collected, and all that was left was one hanging sign. It was Phil’s turn to climb up, so he made his way up to the colossal face of the actor he’d been gushing over a month and sighed. “Goodbye, mystery man,” he said as he took the sign from its hinges and replaced it with the Boxing Day sign.

On the ground, Gail exhaled, stomping her foot. “Damnit, Phil, I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?” he asked, a little worried as he climbed down the ladder.

“I know who he is.”

Phil nearly fell and broke his leg. “What? How the hell did you find out?” he shouted as he reached the ground.

She bit her lip, looking down at the floor so as to not make eye contact with Phil. “I may or may not have put him in the database.”

“Gail! I literally told you not to do one thing and one thing only.”

“I’m sorry!” she shouted, blowing steam from her nose as she ran her hand through her hair. “I’d already pushed enter when you got mad, and when I opened my laptop after I got home it was just… there. I never told you because I didn’t want you to be angry.”

Phil closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Obviously he wasn’t happy with the means by which Gail figured out the identity of this man, but he couldn’t deny the childlike glee he felt when she told him. He still had butterflies in his stomach, and his heart rate still hadn’t recovered from the fact that he jumped and almost fell off a ladder. “What’s his name?”

“Daniel Howell. Dan for short. I looked him up on social media, and according to his Instagram he frequents a bar downtown. I can send you the address if you want.”

By then it was too late to turn back.

“Sure.”

For once, Boxing Day was bearable. Phil had a certain livelihood about him throughout the day that he’d never felt on such a busy day; he even interacted pleasantly with a few customers. All the joy was solely due to the fact that he’d have the chance to meet Dan at the end of the day.

Dan. It was odd for Phil to think of the man as an actual person with an actual name; until then, it had been completely unknown. Learning more about Dan only made him more and more interested in him.

The day finally rolled to an end, and Phil giddily caught Gail on her way out of the store. “Well?”

She cracked a smile, pulling out her phone. “Impatient?”

Phil simply nodded as she sent him the address. He went home and changed clothes before setting his GPS to the address. It was time for a drink.

The bar was fairly nice; it seemed like the sort of place a commercial actor would go to. It wasn’t a home for deadbeats, but there certainly wouldn’t be any bouncers standing outside. There were a few tables around the bar area where people could order and eat a limited selection of food, and then the room opened up to a dance floor. He sat down at the bar and ordered a margarita to sip as he watched the bar scene unfold around him. It was a bustling place, with music and dancing; the bar and seating section was the only calm place in the room.

It had a good vibe to it, Phil thought. If that was the sort of place where Dan hung out, they would surely be compatible. It was chaotic, but in the best possible way. Phil surveyed the room as he had a few drinks, but there was no sign of Dan. Phil sighed, heading back to the bar to pay his bill. He put his head in his hands; he’d finally had a hint of how to find Dan, and he’d come up empty-handed. He’d been waiting a month to meet this guy, and he couldn’t even figure out how to find him. It was stupid of him to think he would find Dan the first night anyway. No one who isn’t a drunkard goes to a bar every night. Hell, it was probably a good thing that Dan wasn’t there all the time. Not being a drunkard was definitely a plus when looking for a boyfriend.

Phil crashed on his couch and pulled out his phone. On it he found multiple texts from Gail containing links to Dan’s social media. Phil smiled; Gail never failed to provide for him. He would certainly have entertainment for the rest of the night.

After reading up on Dan, Phil made a few conclusions. Firstly, he was definitely gay. Secondly, he was either single or didn’t particularly like talking about relationships on social media. Phil would take that bet. Thirdly, it was clearly worth his time to return to the bar. So Phil made his way back to the bar every few nights in search of Dan. Eventually the scene got boring, and he insisted on bringing Gail.

“Damn,” she said, looking around at the bar as they walked in, “this place is nice.”

“Yeah,” Phil said blankly, having gotten more to used to the bar, “it’s alright.”

They took seats at the bar and had a few drinks. Phil was relieved to have finally brought Gail, as she decided to call an Uber so neither of them would have to drive home. After spending enough time at that damned bar, it was about time he could get wasted.

The two each had a good few drinks, and Phil lost more and more hope with each one. “Gail, there’s no hope,” he said, not yet slurring his words, although he knew he was almost there, “I’m never gonna find him.”

“Do you wanna go home?” she asked, sipping down the last of whatever drink it was. Phil had lost track.

He nodded sadly and pulled his wallet out, handing it to Gail. “Pay for our drinks; I gotta piss.”

She giggled drunkenly and nodded, calling for the bartender as Phil slipped away towards the bathrooms.

The bathroom had a push door, and Phil simply walked straight into it and flung it open. To his surprise, there was a body on the other side, and it got a faceful of door. “Oh, shit, I’m sorry!” Phil exclaimed, his drunkenness immediately fading and being replaced by embarrassment and a bit of fear. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, mate,” the stranger said, clutching his face, “just be more careful next time.” He straightened up and pulled his hand away from his face. “Do I look alright?”

Phil froze. There he was, looking into the eyes of Dan Howell. The dark brown eyes stared back into his, and he couldn’t tear his own eyes away. His brain froze along with his body; he was too mesmerized to even be able to think. And then it hit him; he bashed his crush’s fucking face in. “Yeah, you look great!” Phil exclaimed, a bit too bouncy. “I mean, you’re fine. Nothing bad happened. Your face looks like a completely normal face.” He scrunched up his face; that could not have gone any worse.

But Dan was chuckling. “Your face also looks like a completely normal face. Do you wanna go get some drinks?” he asked casually. “I can get you home, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

Phil’s eyes widened, and he struggled to keep his mouth from falling open. He knew exactly what he wanted to say, but he was too nervous to get it out. His brain was working fine, but he was so terrified his body refused to cooperate with it. “Uh, yeah! I’d love to!”

“Nice.” Dan carefully pulled the door in and gestured for Phil to walk out. “This way you can’t hit anyone.”

Phil rolled his eyes, his nerves gradually melting away. He was still plenty nervous, his body a bit stiff, but at least he wasn’t fully panicking anymore. He had himself under control, despite not having a clue how to speak to Dan. Somehow, he had begun to go with the flow, and it appeared to be working. Dan seemed nice, with a compatible sense of humor to Phil’s, and he even seemed to like him already! Phil still had to pee, but he supposed he’d take what he could get.

“By the way,” Dan said, elbowing Phil as they made their way through the crowd, “you’re repaying me for that by buying our drinks.”

“That’s more than fair,” Phil chuckled.

They reached the bar where Gail was sitting. She took one look at Dan, and her mouth fell open so wide she could have fit her entire drink glass in it. “This is my friend Gail,” Phil said, giving her a look that told her she was acting ridiculous. She promptly shut her mouth. “She was about to leave, wasn’t she?” he said, gritting his teeth for the last two words.

“Oh, yeah,” she said with a grin. She stood up, grabbing her coat and patting Phil on the back, slipping him back his wallet. “See you at work.”

And then she was gone, and Phil was left alone with Dan. They ordered drinks and sat silently for a moment until it got maddening.

“So, you’re gonna tell me I’m hot and then not talk to me when we get drinks? I see how it is,” Dan said. His voice was intimidating yet obviously not cruel. Phil could tell Dan didn’t mean to scare him, but he was already a bit terrified of him, so his tone of voice, albeit joking, definitely didn’t help.

“I-I’m sorry; I’m just quite awkward around attractive people.” He delivered the compliment confidently; there really was no point in beating around the bush.

Dan shrugged, a slight blush stroking his cheeks. It was the first time Phil had seen him be anything but perfect. His curls were just as bouncy as they were in the ad, and when he smiled, he showed deep dimples. He had perfect teeth and chiseled cheekbones; he was truly perfect. “I get that. I used to be like that too until I started acting.”

“Oh, you’re an actor?” Phil asked. He wasn’t exactly sure why he said it, but it was barreling out in a desperate attempt to not make him seem like a fan. He wasn’t sure if Dan was even aware he had fans.

“Yeah, actually. Not any sort of famous one. My biggest gig was a department store Christmas commercial. It wasn’t much, but I got some money out of it, and I finally got to play a gay guy on screen. The whole ordeal, both the commercial and my acting career in general, really upped my confidence.” He looked Phil up and down, and Phil could tell he was aware of how nervous he was. “You should try stepping outside of your comfort zone some time; it really helps.” The bartender slid them their drinks, and they each took a sip.

“Believe me, I’m trying,” Phil said, spinning around on his barstool and gesturing to the room around him. The room was buzzing with activity; it was the last place one would expect to see Phil Lester. Phil was one to keep to himself, and that particular bar was a place for anything but. On the dance floor, a few dozen drunken people were screaming Despacito. Normally the scene would have scared the hell out of Phil, but he had more important things to worry about.

“Not a bar man?”

“More of a quiet bar man.”

“Well, then it’s time to try something new,” Dan said, slamming his drink on the table and taking Phil’s hand. Phil’s face flushed bright red, his body seizing up with nerves when Dan touched him, but Dan didn’t seem to notice. “Let’s go dancing.”

“Wait, what?” Phil barely had time to respond before he was whirled away from the bar and into the crowd, his only tether to reality being Dan’s hand. His nerves shot back up to an all time high, but the alcohol reaching his bloodstream was working to calm him down. He knew for a fact that he would have been shaking from head to toe had he been sober, but the sedative relaxed his nerves just enough to keep him cool. Phil wasn’t quite sure how to feel, or if he was even feeling in the first place. All in all, the only word he could think of to describe it was… exhilarating.

Phil wasn’t particularly experienced in the field of club dancing, but Dan attempted to help him. “Just bop, my dude!” he yelled over the blaring music. Phil tried to bop around and enjoy himself, but he just felt awkward. He was being jostled by people dancing around him, and one of the annoyingly bright dance floor lights was shining in his face. Had Dan not been there, he would have bolted immediately. Dan could obviously tell he was uncomfortable, because after a few minutes he grabbed his arm and pulled him towards a circle of people with one young man, no older than 25, break dancing inside. Phil didn’t even know dance circles existed outside of grade school dances. “Here,” Dan said, making a path for them to reach the front of the circle, “all you have to do here is enjoy yourself.”

Phil took a look at the man dancing inside the circle. He seemed to be enjoying himself; who was to say Phil couldn’t enjoy himself too? It wasn’t exactly a tall order. So he clapped along to the beat and watched as people around him switched in and out of the circle. It was like a dancing tag team, and eventually Dan slipped from the ranks and made his way into the circle himself.

Phil, the drunkenness starting to settle in, was very amused by this; Dan moved so gracefully to the song, feet keeping perfect balance with the time as he rotated on a nonexistent axis. His hips swung to the music, and Phil found it very attractive. Phil couldn’t help to smile at the sight of it. Somehow, Dan was even better in person. Not only was he prettier, but he had a certain aura that made Dan never want to leave his presence; he was the life of the party, but he would still take the time out to make sure Phil was enjoying himself.

“Come on!” Dan shouted, reaching out and pulling Phil into the circle.

“Wait, I don’t know about this!”

“Dance with me!”

Luckily, Dan already knew dancing wasn’t Phil’s affinity, nor was being put on the spot. Dan more than willingly led the way, spinning Phil in circles until he felt like he might throw up. It was all a blur to Phil, the world moving too fast for him to keep track. He ignored the urge to vomit, though, as it was overcome by pure joy and maybe even a little bit of love. His heart was racing, about as far up in his throat as the drinks he was struggling to keep down.  As the song drew to an end, Dan tipped him back into his arm and launched him back up, gasping for air. People around them applauded, and the circle began to dissolve as a slower, less danceable song started to play.

Phil hadn’t felt that alive in years.

“That was incredible!” he shouted. He was being quite loud, but he didn’t even notice; he was high on adrenaline and completely oblivious to the world around him. All he saw was his own hand being held by Dan’s as they trekked back to the bar.

“Wasn’t it? I told you stepping out of your comfort zone would make you more confident! You did great!” Dan shouted back at him. At that point, they were well out of the range where they’d need to shout over the music, but neither of them cared.

They spun back into their seats and ordered another round, neither of them getting up again until Phil finally remembered how badly he had to piss. By that time, the night was winding down, and it was about time for each of them to go home.

Phil paid for the drinks (his wallet was hurting that night) as Dan got an Uber. Phil’s flat was closer, so they would go there first. They stepped out into the cold, sobering air and slid into the back of the Uber. Unsurprisingly, being outside for ten seconds didn’t make them any less drunk.

“Hey, Dan?” Phil asked, resting his tired head on Dan’s shoulder.

“Mmm?”

“I like you,” he said, smiling up at Dan’s glowing face.

Dan smiled back. “I like you too.” Dan gasped, pulling his phone out. “Do you wanna call me?”

Phil, somehow understanding the meaning of that sentence, perked up and nodded excitedly before pulling out his own phone and trading it with Dan’s. They each put in their numbers and started a text conversation to make sure their drunken thumbs hadn’t mistyped a digit.

The streets were relatively empty, given the time of night, so they got back to Phil’s flat quickly. Phil opened the door and the frigid air began to pour into the car. “Phil, wait!”

Phil slowly turned back to Dan, too intoxicated to realize what was coming next.

Dan leaned in close but stopped himself, eyes widening. “Can I kiss you?”

At least he was a respectful drunk.

Phil responded by leaning in himself. At first he ran straight into Dan’s nose, but rather than feeling awkward they simply both giggled before connecting their lips. Phil’s body panicked at first, but it quickly relaxed into the kiss. He thought he would have been overexcited, as he was earlier in the night, but the kiss was comfortable; he felt almost as if he were at home in Dan’s arms. It was a short kiss, but it sent warmth through Phil’s body despite the cold air blowing against him.

Phil slipped out of the car and got one last look at Dan as he closed the door. “Text me.”

The morning sun shone through the window as Phil blinked his eyes open. He groaned, feeling as if the sun was directly assaulting his brain. He was hung over, quite obviously so, and the sun definitely wasn’t helping. He picked up his pillow and forced it against his face, refusing to let any light reach his eyes. The morning was not treating him well.

Suddenly, Phil jerked up straight in his bed, remembering the previous night. “Ack!” he exclaimed, the light aggravating his headache. He dragged himself out of bed to close the blinds before searching his sheets for his phone. Eventually he found it and lowered the brightness before fumbling for his charger. He was a bit annoyed that his drunken self had forgot to plug in his phone, as he always charged it overnight, but his annoyance faded as soon as he unlocked the phone and saw it still open to his conversation with Dan from the night before.

It was an odd relief to see the conversation on his phone; it served as proof that he truly did have Dan Howell’s phone number. Until that point, a small part of him had been convinced the entirety of the night before was just a dream.

Should he text him? Was it too soon? Phil hadn’t even had a date in over a year. He hadn’t a clue where to go from there. Without the drunkenness protecting him, he was left with all his normal social anxieties. He decided to text Gail and ask for advice first, but she was of no help. She simply keysmashed into oblivion in excitement that Phil got Dan’s number. So Phil decided to leave it for a few minutes to get some food and try to cure his hangover.

When he came back, Dan had made the decision for him; he had a message already waiting for him. Phil gasped and snatched his phone off his bed, eyes glued to the screen.

Dan: hey

That was underwhelming. However, Phil still felt the overwhelming need to start a conversation, and a good one at that. He wanted to see Dan again, and he couldn’t fuck that up. He’d been head over heels for Dan since he saw him on a damn poster, and it was a miracle that he managed to meet him. He’d gotten so far; he had to make it work. He just had to.

Phil: Hey! Does your head hurt as bad as mine?

Dan: fuck, it really does. i feel like garbage atm (but tbf i am)

Phil: I mean me too but you’re not garbage :p

Dan: don’t use :p it’s 2019

Phil’s heart raced; was that wrong? Did he fuck up? His eyes darted wildly around the room in panic. How could he fix that? Did Dan think he was lame? He typed the only thing he could think of.

Phil: sorry

Dan: lmfao it’s fine :p

Phil: Hey!

Dan: hehe :)

Phil: This is unfair

Dan: as it should be :)

Dan: so do u wanna meet up again sometime?

Phil: hell yeah! When?

Dan: tonight good?

Phil: Sure! But we’re not getting hammered tonight I have work tomorrow morning

Dan: fair enough

Dan: meet u at yours at 6?

Dan: i’ve got plans covered :)

Phil: rad!

Dan: seriously, don’t say that. it’s 2019.

Phil: :( you’re no fun

Phil: See you tonight :)

Dan: see you :)

Phil struggled to get through the day without texting Dan. He already missed him, and he wanted to keep talking to him, but they hadn’t even gone on a date yet. He couldn’t just text him all day. So Phil spent the impossibly slow day watching anime and scrolling through social media. He texted Gail in the morning, but eventually he abandoned that conversation because all she did was remind him of his upcoming date. Time only managed to pass slower and slower.

Finally, the clocks rolled around to 5:30, and Phil started getting ready. Anxiety crept into his stomach as he tried to pick out an outfit. He didn’t want to overdress, but he didn’t want to underdress either. He tore through his closet looking for anything that was presentable enough to wear on a date; usually Phil wore either quirky jumpers or his work clothes. Finally, after making an absolute mess of his room, he decided on a nice, blue button-up with and a pair of black jeans and went to look at himself in the mirror. Hands shaking, he slicked back his quiff and took a deep breath. He looked good, he told himself in a futile attempt to calm his nerves.

After the saga of choosing something to wear, it was nearly six. Phil barely managed to finish getting ready before he heard his doorbell ring. He rushed to answer it and was relieved to find Dan dressed about as casually as him. “You look great,” Dan said with a smile. Phil couldn’t help but notice Dan’s dimples pop out of his cheeks; he was absolutely adorable, and Phil nearly froze both from nerves and from infatuation.

“As do you!” he blurted out. He hadn’t a clue if he’d come across as such, but he was just about as nervous as the night before.

“Ready to go?”

“Yeah, let me just grab a coat.” Phil peeked around his door and pried a dark coat off the hanger. It was a heavy coat, but the night was cold and Phil hadn’t a clue where they were going.

The taxi Dan took to Phil’s apartment was still waiting for them, and they piled into the backseat. The driver took off without instruction; Dan must have told him where to go on the ride there. They were silent for the majority of the cab ride; Phil was much too anxious to speak. Every time he even thought about saying something, he felt nauseous. He knew there was a chemistry between them that would come out if they started talking, but he didn’t know how to initiate that conversation.

“We’re almost here; don’t look,” Dan said, pulling Phil towards him so he couldn’t look out the window. Phil blushed a bit as his thigh grazed against Dan, but he was starting to get at least a little bit more accustomed to Dan’s physical presence.

Phil laughed. “Dan, I live in London. I know where we are.”

Dan furrowed his brow in fake anger as the cab stopped. He paid the driver and slid across the backseat to follow Phil out onto the curb.

“You know, I’ve never actually been to the planetarium before.”

It was Dan’s turn to laugh. “Clearly you haven’t, because this isn’t a planetarium. This is a restaurant called The Planetarium.”

“Oh,” Phil said in a small voice. “That’s misleading.”

“It’s awesome though. The ceiling is clear, so you can see all the stars. And in case you haven’t noticed, it’s getting dark.”

“A starlit meal?” Phil asked as they entered the dark restaurant. There was a fountain in the center of the restaurant that was sculpted in the shape of the solar system. Water rolled over the planets as they rotated around a lit sun. It was an architectural feat he’d never seen the likes of before. The rest of the dining area wasn’t any less impressive; every table was lit by candlelight, and he was probably the most casually dressed person there. “That actor’s salary must go a long way,” he joked.

“Howell,” Dan said to the hostess. He even had a reservation! Dan had obviously put plenty of effort into this date, and Phil wasn’t quite sure how to feel about that. He felt a warm love in his stomach because of it, but he also felt like he had some high standards to live up to.

Dan turned to Phil and smiled. “Definitely not. Usually I struggle a bit, but that Christmas advert paid the big bucks. That’s only a once in a few years sort of gig, though. I was quite lucky to have it.” He seemed fairly modest about his career, but he was obviously proud of the advert, and Phil certainly couldn’t blame him.

“Oh, no, you shouldn’t spend your money on me! You should save it!” Phil whined, his mouth falling open. He felt….guilty, almost, for drawing that much money out of Dan’s wallet. The anxious feeling in his stomach had been fading, but that brought it back just enough to bother him again.

“Nonsense,” he said, waving his hand, “sometimes you’ve just got to live in the moment. It’s worth it.”

Phil wanted to respond, but a waiter was ready to take them to their table. They were seated near the fountain, allowing Phil to admire it from closer up. “This is incredible,” he said, eyes glued to the water flowing down the orbit of Neptune as he took off his jacket.

“It really is,” Dan responded, a soft smile on his face. It was a smile Phil hadn’t seen yet--one of content. Dan appeared almost mesmerized by the fountain. He gave a peaceful smile, and it gave Phil some peace as well. “It gets better, though,” he said, tapping Phil’s hand to get his attention. “Look up.”

It was a clear night in the dark restaurant, and when Phil looked up through the clear ceiling he could see the entire night sky. The moon wasn’t in view yet, but the stars glimmered overhead and reminded him of Dan’s commercial. Phil was amazed that the stars were so visible from the center of a restaurant dining room, especially since they were in the middle of London; he could see every constellation in the sky. “Wow.”

“Wow is right.”

They picked up their menus, and Phil was astounded once again. The food was just as expensive as he assumed. “Dan! I can’t let you pay for all this!”

“Then don’t.”

“Okay, well, I certainly can’t pay for it.”

“Then let me.” He smiled slyly and Phil rolled his eyes. There was no winning that battle.

Phil ordered the least expensive thing off the menu and watched Dan order some fancy fish he couldn’t even pronounce the name of. Of course, neither could Dan, but Phil assumed that was a common occurrence, as the waiter simply laughed and took down the order on his notepad.

“Glad to hear you’re still a normal person who can’t pronounce foreign names,” Phil said.

Dan chuckled. “I’m no celebrity, nor can I speak French.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not French, but okay.”

“Too bad, because we don’t have our menus anymore. Now we’ll never know.”

Phil snapped his fingers in fake disappointment. “Darn.”

They both broke out into a quiet laugh as Phil’s anxiety dissipated. The conversation was all he needed for his muscles to finally relax. He knew he’d be able to speak with Dan; he just had to get it going, and once he did, it went wonderfully.

The wait for their food was obnoxiously long, but they managed to entertain themselves with conversation. Phil was shocked; a few minutes earlier, he hadn’t been able to speak with Dan, and then suddenly he couldn’t stop. It was magical, to him, in a sense.

“I blame your freaky fish,” Phil said, becoming tired of waiting for the food. “I just got pasta and chicken.”

“Maybe it’s your crazy chicken!” Dan argued.

“Are we just putting adjectives in front of meats now?”

“I guess so.”

They laughed again, a constant of the evening. The people around them were giving them looks; they definitely didn’t belong in that restaurant. They were two normal people in a house for extremely rich people, and they weren’t faring well. But neither of them cared, and they just kept on laughing. The laughter brought Phil a certain joy he hadn’t felt in longer than he could remember; it had been so long since he’d smiled so much his cheeks started to hurt, and he didn’t realize how much he missed it until he was doing it again. When the food did come, he was almost sad the conversation had to slow down.

The food was incredible. Of course, for those prices, Phil would have been angry if it wasn’t, but he enjoyed his simple pasta dish, and Dan seemed to enjoy whatever the hell he had on his plate.

After the food was eaten, the waiter came back and read them the dessert menu. At the end, they looked at each other.

“Solar system sundae,” they said in unison. The waiter simply smiled, nodded, and walked away.

They spent the next twenty minutes demolishing the biggest ice cream sundae either of them had ever seen. It was in a circular pan only a couple inches deep, and it had a simple vanilla base, but it was then coated in chocolate fudge and had planets drawn on it in different syrups and icings.

“Dan…” Phil trailed off, his breathing heavy. “Can’t...eat...any more ice cream,” he breathed out, hand shaking as he shoveled another bite into his mouth.

Dan laughed, but he wasn’t doing much better. “It’s so good...but I’m so full!”

“On three,” Phil said, “we put down the spoons. Okay?”

Dan nodded. “One.”

“Two.”

“Three!” they yelled at the same time, each of them slamming their spoons down on the table. There was a collective groan from the two of them.

“I don’t want to move,” Phil complained.

“Luckily,” Dan choked out, “you barely have to.”

Phil raised an eyebrow as Dan gestured to a patch of fake grass Phil hadn’t noticed before. There were benches around the grass where couples sat and chatted, but Phil much preferred the concept of lying aimlessly on the grass and admiring the sky. “Would you like to stargaze while you digest?”

Phil smiled both at Dan and at the concept of lying on the floor for a while. “I’d love to.”

Dan paid the check, and they stood up and made their way over to the stargazing grass. Phil laid down and looked up at the constellations, snuggling up under his jacket. “Hey, leave some blanket for me!” Dan said, jokingly nudging Phil as he laid down beside him. He promptly pulled some of the jacket onto him as he nestled up to Phil.

“The stars are amazing,” Phil said dreamily, “how did we get lucky enough to have such a clear night?”

“Dunno,” Dan whispered back, “same way I got lucky enough to find you.”

“That was so cheesy,” Phil teased.

“And so is this.” Dan leaned up and pressed his lips to Phil’s, and Phil’s body filled with life. It was their first kiss they shared with neither of them being intoxicated, and it was just as wonderful, if not more. In that moment, that was all Phil felt: wonder.

After a moment they pulled apart, and Phil smiled. “That was definitely cheesy, but I’ll give you a pass because I’ve always wanted to kiss someone under the stars.”

“Glad to check that one off your bucket list,” Dan said, beaming.

They returned to their original position of simple closeness, and Phil was more than content. He felt like he could lie there in Dan’s presence forever. He so wished he could, but he knew he couldn’t.

“I don’t feel gross anymore, do you?” Dan asked him in a whisper. It was a simple conversation, but it felt like an intimate experience kept just for the two of them. Phil shook his head. “Are you ready to go?”

“Am I going home?” Phil asked, and Dan nodded. “Then not really,” Phil replied, “I want to stay with you.”

Dan chuckled, breaking into a smile. “You know, me too.” He paused for a moment, deep in thought. “How about this?” Dan sighed happily, “You’ve got to get some sleep and work tomorrow morning, and I’ve got some lines to learn for a shoot tomorrow. We meet up at the Eye tomorrow at seven and go see a movie. You know, just for the sake of being together. Does that sound good?”

“That sounds wonderful.”

They hailed another cab to drive them home, and they refused to break contact throughout the ride. Thighs pressed together, they felt as if they were at home in each other’s presence. They each craved the same feeling of safety that came from simply being in the same space.

This time, Dan’s flat came first on the route home. It was a simple building, a little bit nicer than Phil’s, but it was nothing special. It was a bit comforting to see that Dan truly was no celebrity; he was simply a normal person, perfect for Phil, the most normal person on the planet.

They kissed goodbye and let their touch linger as they separated. As they pulled apart, Phil felt as if a part of him was being dragged away from his person. Neither of them wanted him to leave, but it was necessary. There was an empty feeling in the air as the door shut and the space between them began to grow, but Phil was comforted with the knowledge that they’d meet again in a short day.

He sighed as he leaned back against the headrest. Finally, all his emotions truly began to hit him, and he couldn’t help but smile. After all those hours spent staring at the posters, he’d finally gotten to truly know Dan, and damnit, Phil was in love with him.

Phil hated the day at work leading up to his second date with Dan. Not only did he have to wait, making the day longer, but he also had to put up with Gail annoying him the entire time.

“So, how was the date?” she pried, raising an eyebrow as she elbowed Phil.

“Good,” Phil said, monotone.

“Second date?”

“Tonight.”

She squealed like the fangirl she was. “Where are you going? What are you doing? Are you excited?”

“Yes, Gail, I’m excited,” he said, rolling his eyes as he put up a sign. Of course it had to be sign day; everything had to fall into place for Gail to have as much time as possible to bother him about Dan. “We’re going to the Eye, and I don’t know what we’re doing. Apparently he likes planning dates.”

“That’s so cute. I can’t believe this actually worked out!”

“Neither can I, but you know what I believe?”

“What?”

Phil turned to face her and gave her a stern look. “You being so utterly annoying about it.”

Gail pouted, refusing to make eye contact with him. “Sorry. But you’ve got to admit, it would never have happened without me.”

“Fine, fine. Just come up with at least ONE other conversation topic.”

“Deal.”

Although it certainly didn’t cease, the annoyance decreased throughout the day. Their morning routine was basically back to normal, despite seeming to last twice as long as it did. Phil and Gail worked adjacent registers in the afternoon, and she actually managed to help the time pass.

Mid-afternoon, they started a conversation about their favorite television shows and only stopped talking whenever a customer showed up at either of their registers. They probably weren’t supposed to be spending so much time talking. In fact, Phil knew they weren’t supposed to be spending so much time talking. But the conversation made the shift manageable, and he couldn’t have been more thankful for that. There was no better reminder of why he was friends with Gail.

“Good luck,” she said to him as he left for the Underground after his shift. It was the first time in hours she had mentioned it, but this time it was in good faith. He nodded, a soft, genuine smile on his face.

He took the train home simply to change into nicer clothes and then headed back out to catch a train to the Eye. He managed to lay out an outfit before he left that morning, so he would be a bit early, but he didn’t want to risk something happening on the train and making him late. Besides, he was starving. He knew he’d get dinner with Dan, but it couldn’t hurt to pick something up in between the station and the Eye.

Phil stepped onto the platform at the station nearest to the Eye at 6:30. He stopped at a Starbucks on the way and picked up a small muffin to snack on as he walked. He managed to arrive fifteen minutes early and take a seat on a bench near the Eye. He looked up at the wheel and let it mesmerize him as he nibbled his muffin. The slow circulation of the Eye was quite calming. Watching it slowly rotate numbed his mind and effectively calmed his nerves.

He finished his muffin and pulled out his phone to check the time; it was 6:03. Phil raised an eyebrow and glanced around him; Dan was nowhere to be found. He quickly shot a text to Dan saying that he was there and on a bench and opened a game on his phone. Dan must have gotten caught up in traffic; either that or the tube managed to fuck up. Neither would be surprising. He played a couple levels of his game, and Dan still hadn’t arrived. He texted asking Dan if he was alright; by then he was fifteen minutes late.

Phil sat for a few more minutes and stared at the Eye, the main source of light in the night sky. The spokes of the wheel were lit in various colors; the rhythmic change from color to color was soothing before, but it didn’t relieve his fear anymore. It was getting late, and Phil was freezing. Phil dialed Dan’s number, but he didn’t answer. He bit his lip; he was starting to get concerned on multiple levels. Was Dan alright? Had something happened? Nearly as bad, had he simply ghosted Phil?

Phil tapped the ‘Favorites’ tab in his Phone app and called the first number on the list.

“Gail?”

“Yeah?” she answered. “Why are you calling me? Aren’t you on your date?”

“Should be,” he said, disgruntled.

“What happened?” Her concern was evident; for once, Phil was grateful for how much she cared about his love life.

“How long do you stay before deciding someone stood you up?”

He heard a sigh through the phone. “Oh, Phil… I’m so sorry.” He wasn’t planning on crying over it, but hearing her sympathy made him fight back tears. Phil struggled to maintain even breaths, the pain pooling in his throat from restricting his tears. He wasn’t angry at that point; he simply felt like human garbage. He was in his thirties and he needed sympathy over getting stood up on a date. It was pathetic. “Did you text him? Call him?”

“Did both; he didn’t answer.”

“Do you want to come over and hang out with me?”

Phil’s first instinct was to say yes; bad dates were Phil and Gail’s best nights. Whenever one of them had a bad date, they’d go to the other’s flat and eat enough ice cream that they didn’t care anymore. That wouldn’t work this time; the ice cream simply reminded him of Dan. Besides, something was nagging at him, telling him to go somewhere else.

“Actually, I think I’ve got another idea. Thanks for the offer though. Be sure to keep it open; I may show up later if this ends up sucking ass.”

“It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do.”

They said their goodbyes and hung up. Phil wiped the freezing tears out of his eyes and stood up, taking one last look around for Dan. He took a deep breath and marched back towards the tube station. He had new plans.

After a few Google searches, Phil found himself at the bar where he first met Dan. He wasn’t quite sure why he’d brought himself there; he assumed his brain thought it to be a good way to grieve. Again, he didn’t understand why, but there he was, rolling with his impulse.

He stepped into the bar and took a seat, ordering a glass of liquor. He usually was one for more fruity drinks, but at that point he just craved the warm, familiar feeling of drunkenness. He wanted to feel the way he felt when he fell for Dan in real life. He wanted a fuzzy mindset that would wash away his sadness. He didn’t care how he got there.

A couple drinks later, someone swiveled into a stool a few spots down from him. “Phew,” they exhaled, obviously coming straight off the dance floor. “Usual,” they said to the bartender.

Even drunk, Phil would recognize that voice anywhere.

“What the hell are you doing here?” He turned to Dan, his eyes piercing into Dan’s skin with anger. His vision was a bit blurry, but he could still see Dan’s fear.

“Oh, shit, Phil, I-”

“Don’t ‘oh shit’ me! You blew me off!”

“No, I didn’t mean to, I genuinely just forgot, I swear!”

Phil’s mouth fell open, his body shaking with rage. “You forgot? You forgot you had a date! That’s significantly worse than just blowing it off!” he snarled.

Dan exhaled through his nose, trying to find words. “Listen, I’m sorry. There’s more to this than meets the eye.”

Before Phil could respond, a man came from the direction of the bathrooms. He approached Dan and put his hand on his shoulder. “Hey, babe. You got our drinks?”

Phil’s body relaxed, the tension in his muscles relieving as he realized he hadn’t the remaining energy to be angry. At that point, he wasn’t even sure he could call his emotion anger. More, he felt a certain understanding he hadn’t had before. Finally, he knew what was going on, and as much as it hurt him, it was almost relieving.

“Yeah, you’re right,” he said to Dan, taking out some money from his wallet for his drinks and slamming it on the bar, “there is more to this than meets the eye. Thanks, Dan.”

He pushed himself off of the barstool and stormed off; Dan didn’t bother to follow him. He pulled open the door and stepped outside, letting the cold air hit his face. As the cold sobered him, his feelings didn’t change. Phil took a train to Gail’s flat, not because he wanted to spend time with her, but because it was farther away than his own home. All Phil wanted in that moment was to put as much distance between him and that bar as he possibly could. He succeeded, and he never went back to that bar again.

~ Five Years Later ~

“Finally.” Phil sighed as he crossed a red x over the fifth of July on his calendar. The sixth was circled for a very special reason. “One more day and I can get out of this hellhole.”

It had been three years since Gail found a new job. It paid twice as much as her shitty retail job, and it actually had room for improvement. Room for a better life.

Of course, she and Phil remained friends, but they didn’t see each other nearly as often as they used to. She still lived in her old flat for a while, and they met there often, but then she found a girlfriend and moved into her flat. Phil even went to their wedding, but it wasn’t nearly as happy for him as he hoped it would be. He basically watched Gail get her life together while he was still stuck in the same rut.

Shortly after Gail left, Phil decided to go back to university. He’d started going after secondary school, but some things had come up and he ended up having to quit, throwing him into the dead-end retail job he’d held for twelve years. As he watched his only friend move up in the world, he decided he couldn’t sit still any longer.

Of course, he still had to work his retail job for money while he got an education, which basically made his life a living hell. He couldn’t work as many hours, and he never had any free time, let alone time to try and find someone to settle down with as Gail did. Undoubtedly, it was the worst three years of his life.

But finally, he’d finished his degree from years ago, and he’d gotten a job in filmmaking. He would be working on a commercial, and he started July 6th. Although he was absolutely terrified to start the new job, he felt as if he was a prisoner finishing his sentence; he could finally leave his old job.

His last day at the retail job was undoubtedly the best; they even had a party for him. He didn’t particularly care much, as he had virtually no friends in the store without Gail there, but the cake was good, and there was nothing that had ever given him more joy than walking out of the store for the last time.

The next morning, after an anxious night of little sleep, Phil walked in to his first day on set. He would be the assistant to the director of the commercial, and it paid about as much as his retail job did. From there, he’d hopefully be able to move up in the industry. It was scary, but anything was better than retail.

“Phil!” the director called out, walking towards him with a spring in his step, “good to see you. Meet our actors.”

A few adults followed behind him, and all but one waved at him. He didn’t take much notice in them; he was doing his best to pay attention to the director. “Meet Emma, Riley, Will, and Dan.” He looked down the line at all the faces and gave a smile and a wave to them each as he said their names. But when he got to Dan, his smile quickly turned to a frown. He’d gained a few age lines on his face that he didn’t have before, but it didn’t take from his features; he was still as attractive as ever, if not more. Other than that, he simply appeared more mature. In front of Phil was a man who knew the ins and outs of life.

“Hi, Dan,” he said, his voice quiet and stern.

“Hey,” Dan said, a tint of shame in his tone.

The director simply looked confused. “Do you two know each other?” Each of them nodded, and he nodded in understanding. “Ah, well, whatever happened in the past is in the past now. Let’s get going with production!” The director clapped his hands, and Phil turned and walked as far away from Dan as fast as he could. The last thing he wanted was to ruin his first job in the film industry by causing drama with his ex-boyfriend.

The morning went seamlessly; they got all the shots they needed with the first set and took lunch while the crew replaced it with the next. Phil took his lunch and kept to himself, eating in a corner away from all the actors and even from the director. Still, he couldn’t avoid the inevitable.

“Hey, can I talk to you?” As expected, Dan was standing over him, wringing his hands. He was biting his lip in an anxiety Phil had never seen from him before; usually Dan was the confident one, but he was a nervous wreck.

Phil sighed. He didn’t much want to talk to Dan, but he decided it was probably best to just let him talk and get it over with. “Sit down,” he said, defeated.

“I just wanted to say...I’m really, REALLY sorry about what happened a few years ago. If you don’t want to hear me out, I completely understand, but I’d really like to explain myself.”

Dan? Showing him respect? What a feat. “Might as well listen. Maybe it’ll be fun,” he said, straightfaced and full of resentment.

“Okay, so you’re still mad. I can’t blame you. But let me just explain what happened,” Dan pleaded.

He paused, and Phil gestured for him to continue. “I’m not getting any younger.”

“Well, I was in a long term relationship with a man who I was in love with. He, however, didn’t love me, and was extremely manipulative. He had broken up with me about a week before I met you. I was empty, and when I found you, I felt like a little bit of that void he left inside me was filled. So I went out with you, and I made plans for a second date. And I swear, I really did plan on meeting you that night. And that was when he texted me.” Dan sounded almost ashamed of his past relationship; he’d obviously been taken advantage of, and he wasn’t happy to admit it.

“I want to stress how head over heels I was for this guy. He had me in his trap; I would have done anything for him. He told me he missed me, and I fell right back in. I know now that I should have ignored him. I should have gone with you instead. But this guy just had some terrifying control over my brain. He was my number one priority, to the point that when he texted me I completely forgot you even existed. I know, that’s shitty. That’s what you told me when it happened. But believe me...my relationship was fucked up.”

“Clearly,” Phil interrupted, still struggling to let go of his years-old bitterness. He couldn’t help but feel a bit sympathetic, but he wasn’t particularly ready to react positively.

“I… completely understand if you can’t forgive me. Obviously I’d love it if you could, but I probably wouldn’t be able to forgive me either. Just know that I’m not that person anymore. I’ve been to therapy; I’ve dealt with my shit…. it’s been a wild five years.”

Phil chuckled. “Same here.”

“So, are we okay?” he asked tentatively.

There was a long pause for thought before Phil could answer. First, he thought back five years. So much had changed since then. Five years was a hell of a long time, and Phil, too, had become a different person since then. But he still remembered the happiness he felt on the one date he had with Dan, eating ice cream and lying under the stars. It was a certain type of joy he wasn’t sure he’d felt yet. Plus, Phil decided Dan had somehow gotten even more attractive as he aged.

“Yeah, we’re good.”

Dan exhaled, a smile of relief crossing his face. “Good.”

As the shoot went on, Phil learned that Dan wasn’t lying. It was obvious just from how he interacted with both Phil and others that he really had changed. Even back then he seemed like a nice guy, but now it was on a different scale. The way he cared for other people, the way he cared for himself...he really had dealt with his shit, and he’d grown from it.

After a few days, the shoot wrapped up. Phil wasn’t worried about his future; he’d worked with the director to line up a few more shoots to work at. The first shoot went off without a hitch, and he was content with the fact that he might have a future in the industry. Things were going well for him; he was ready to move on with his life.

But Dan wasn’t.

“Hey, Phil, wait up!” he heard Dan shout from behind him as he was walking to the station to take a train home. Dan ran to catch up with him. “Okay, okay,” he panted, trying to gather himself. Phil stopped walking to give him a chance to catch his breath.

“Listen, Phil, I know this is a long shot, but-” he blinked hard, and it was obvious that he thought he was being ridiculous, “I like you. I liked you years ago, and now that I’ve met you again, I still like you. I know things went horribly last time, but I’ve gotten rid of those terrible influences that drove me to hurt you, and-” he threw his hands at his sides. “it just doesn’t feel right to let you walk out of my life again. I shouldn’t have let you leave the first time, and I can’t make that mistake again.”

He stood in silence for a moment, looking like a deer in headlights. Phil smiled and raised an eyebrow. “Is this you asking me out?”

A small bit of color entered Dan’s previously pale face, but he still appeared a being of pure fear. “Yeah! Yeah, that, um-” his eyes darted wildly around the parking lot; he obviously didn’t think he’d get that far, “could I take you out for some drinks? Maybe? Tomorrow night? I promise I’ll show up this time.”

Phil smiled. Something told him this was an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. “Yeah, I’d like that.” He watched as pure relief replaced the panic on Dan’s face, and he couldn’t help but smile wider. “Same apartment. See you tomorrow.”

“Great!” he shouted as Phil began to walk away. “Seven?”

“Seven!” Phil called back to him.

“Awesome!”

Suddenly, Phil turned on his heel. “Oh, and Dan?” A few feet had been put between them, and Phil began making up the distance. “If you fuck this one up, I will NEVER talk to you again. Deal?”

By then, he was standing right in front of Dan. He stuck his hand out, and Dan, regaining a small amount of confidence, offered Phil his own.

“Deal.”

About a year later, Phil took great joy in inviting Gail to his own wedding.

[thatonepalenerd]

I wanna quit...

I work in retail. A couple years back, I had the opportunity to up my 22 hour contract to a temporary 38 hour contract meaning I would get paid more (as overtime is paid back in the form of hours owed to hours owing) at the end of the contract (some time in November) my paid hours went back to 22 hours while my rostered hours were the same 38 hours. No big deal as I owed hours to the company and hoped that when I paid them back my roster would look a little normal, I also knew that being so close to Christmas this would be the case as everyone was meant to work extra hours to help out.

Early that December, my dad had been sick, really sick. He would often go to hospital near the end of the year for his heart. I'd been visiting him when I could after work at the local hospital until one morning I woke up to my brother knocking on my door. He never comes over and I only really see him at work, he tells me dad is getting transferred to a hospital 2 hours away and that he's been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Now earlier that year, I had dealt with my first death of a loved one and hearing this news of my father shattered me. For all I knew he was dying in hospital and I spent the next couple days in bed thinking and trying to figure things out.

My weekend was over and it was time for me to go back to work. I didn't get to start my shift that day because when a team member asked me upstairs how my dad was doing in hospital, I broke down in tears... I was sent home shortly after that. I can't describe how painful it was to explain to team members that my father has cancer (he also works for this company) and how I had to stay positive about everything even though you have so much weight on your shoulders it's unbearable.

I soldiered on and luckily was able to contact my dad about how he was doing and I was going to try and see him as soon as possible, even if I had to catch public transport so I asked my boss if I could go see my dad (I was the only one running my sub-department at the time) my boss turned me down giving me one day to see him for the entire month (my brother was given as many days as he needed to see him). At this point, I'm devastated to say the least, I'm running a department by myself doing the work of two other people and getting paid a little over half for the hours I was working, having already paid back the hours I had owed. Surely by the New year I could get my contract upped to 30 hours and wouldn't need to work so hard. I would be able to spend more time with dad and would be able to save money too...

New years came and left, they're were big changes at work and my boss had stepped down and I was given a replacement, someone who didn't quite like me or at least didn't have an amazing opinion of me, who told me I had improved heaps for doing the same things I'd always done. I decided to ask several times to have my contract upped and I was given the same excuse, we can't do it at this point, not enough money, the same old excuse for everything. Surely it couldn't be that hard to get paid for one more days work then I had been for the past 2 months but nothing came of it. I was still working more hours then I should of, I was still under so much stress, the other two team members were back in our department but I didn't get along with one of them. They would make comments to me about me, calling me a liar, timing my breaks to the very t despite the fact that you'd be often stopped by customers before getting off the floor. I tried to ignore it until they confronted me one day calling me a liar again demanding respect because they were older (In my opinion respect no matter what age is earned not given) and the little cherry on top, they admitted that they had been told to spy on me by our boss to make sure I was doing my job. My boss got the one person in my department who belittles and despises me to report back to them on what I was doing feeding them misinformation.

I should have quit then but I didn't. In fact at this point, it's roughly May and I have worked 135 unpaid hours. Hours they owe me, I get my contracted up to 38 hours, more then I wanted but I thought I could work it. I’m given days off here and there until I'm paid off the rest before tax time, heavily taxed, of course. A couple months go by and I drop my hours down to 30 so I can see my dad more, that's fine. Until im told I'm covering two people from registers for a month while they're on holidays. I think of it as a break off the floor, no worrying about stock, I can be an npc for awhile until I come in one day and I'm told I'm not going back on the floor. No one discussed anything with me, no formal conversation, no nothing, just you're here now and I'm still on registers. I'm considering quitting and I'm now a part of the union so if I get fucked over again, I'm safe from being fired outright but I should have left a long time ago and as we have some new management I'm hoping things will change soon, if not I'll be finding a second job and leaving.

[jchall110]

I'm gonna tell y'all a story. It's a story about social stigmas, the American public education system, capitalism, mental health, income inequality, and parents who think they know best but actually cause more harm than good. It's the story of how I ended up where I am right now: in the break room of a major retail location wanting desperately to cry but unable to.

When I was very young, my parents knew I was different. I won't bog this down with the details, but essentially I was noticably different than my peers enough that my mom took me to get tested for various learning disabilities or mental disorders. Initially, the diagnosis I was given was ADHD, but that didn't satisfy my mother. She took me back a year later and I was diagnosed with Asperger's. Satisfied, my mother began talking with various specialists to see what kind of future I would have, and what we could start doing to help me become more well-adjusted to society. Once I had made it to grade school, after 2 years of kindergarten, I worked with an occupational therapist weekly, for 5 years. When I reached high school, I was declared well-adjusted enough by the school district that I no longer needed a 504 plan. I was officially no longer a special needs student. *Yay!*

I struggled my way through high school, having a lot of trouble with homework, especially long-term assignments like projects and essays. I didn't fail any classes (except my creative writing class, but that's a different story), but I nearly failed several important classes my junior year and only barely was able to graduate on time. But graduate I did, and I got accepted into the college in my town, which was really the only school I wanted to go to. So I started college. First semester freshman year was tough, as it often is for new freshmen. Of the 4 classes I was taking at the beginning of the semester, I dropped out of one and almost failed the other 3. I was told that it happens to everyone and that I would be fine after adjusting to college life.

Second semester of freshman year was worse. Of the 4 classes I started with, I dropped out of one and failed 2, and the third I only passed because my professor fudged the grades a little bit. First semester of sophomore year I failed all 4 classes I was taking. Near the end of that semester, when I knew that I wasn't going to pass anything, I began looking into some of the reasons why I was struggling and how I could possibly help myself. In looking, I mentioned to my mom some of the issues I'd been having. She told me about the initial diagnosis of ADHD, which I had no idea about up until this point, at 20 years old. I had been diagnosed with a learning disability for about 18 years and it had been untreated, and I didn't know about it until then. I began looking up stories of people with ADHD, and talking with my friends who have ADHD, and everything clicked into place. Unfortunately, it was too little, too late and I was placed on academic suspension, unable to return for the second semester of my sophomore year. Because I'm from a family that doesn't have a whole lot of money, but has just enough money that the government won't help me pay for college, I had to take out several private loans to pay for the 3 semesters of school I had. And because the grace period of these loans wasn't very long, I needed to find a job quickly to prevent missing payments and tanking both my own and my father's credit scores.

In February of this year, I began working at a major retail location. I will refrain from using its name because I want to. Those of you who care enough to know probably already know. Anyway, I work in the back room, about 3 shifts a week, for a total of about 24 hours per week, at $12/hour, paid bi-weekly. That's enough for me to cover my student loan payments, with some extra spending money, and still have a little left over. I'm thankful that I don't have to pay for rent, food, utilities, etc. because my dad knows that young people these days are, as he says, "financially fucked" and is allowing me to stay at his place, at least until I figure out my next step. Working retail, if you don't know, sucks hardcore. If you can avoid doing it, do so. If not, I'm so so sorry. A lot of people say that the worst part of retail is dealing with customers, but I personally think that the worst part of retail is corporate expectations. I believe this because retail would still suck if customers were better. If corporate expectations were more reasonable, it wouldn't suck nearly as much as it does now. I am one person, but they expect me to do the work of 5 people, which brings us to today.

It's back-to-school time, which is our second-busiest time of year. (I'll give you three guesses as to what's the busiest. I'll give you a hint: it's the really really obvious one.) Being in the back room, especially being the person in the back room when the store closes, means that I have to do little things everywhere in the store. Little bit of helping get product on the shelf, little bit of fulfilling online orders, little bit of helping people find stuff... Today, I've spent all of my shift so far, a bit over half, packing boxes that will be shipped to people's houses. I've had to do this because there were a very large amount of orders today and the people who work that part of the store during the day didn't have enough help getting it done. I will likely continue doing this until I have about a quarter of my shift left, at which point I will not have time to do anything else except get the back room set up for the truckload of product we're getting tomorrow morning. It is likely that I will get reprimanded, or at least will get a bad performance review, because of this. This is not the first time I've had to spend most of a shift doing things that should have been finished long before I even got here, but this is certainly the worst example up until now.

I've also had trouble sleeping the last few days, which may or may not be related to the fact that I feel miserable because I'm 21 years old and working part-time in retail while living with my dad after failing out of college. All in all, this day has sucked tremendously. It's understandable that I want to cry. And yet, because of the years of occupational therapy that I went to to learn how to "control" my emotions (among other things), I'm unable to. I cannot express my emotions in real life because "emotions are bad, mmkay?" according to the conditioning that I received as a child in school. Basically, I'm emotionally crippled and find it almost impossible to express myself truly in front of people unless my inhibitions are blocked, whether through comfort with a situation or being in an altered state of mind.

Were I able to express my emotions the way I'd like to express them in this moment, I believe that management here would finally understand that the amount of pressure that's been put on at least me is too much. That could go one of two ways. Either they realize that the pressure is on more than just me and that they need to get more people to help out back here, or they think that I'm unable to work this job and they give me less hours, or fire me outright. Chances are likely that it would end up being the second one, and I'm financially dependent on this job. If they do fire me, or make me quit, or whatever, it's unlikely I'll be able to find any other job anywhere except possibly at my dad's machine shop, and I a) wouldn't be making nearly as much money there as I make here and b) really really really don't want my dad to be my boss. Basically, I'm in an absolutely terrible position, and most of it can be boiled down to my mother refusing to accept that I have ADHD. So thanks Mom.

Anyway, I need to get back to work, and also find my manager so I can ask her what the fuck I should do.

[rosyredlipstick]

gift wrap optional (1/1)

It's December 23rd. It's December 23rd, and Will Solace is just realizing this fact. Will hasn't done any Christmas shopping, Nico's just looking for an excuse to quit his crappy sales clerk job, and there are worst ways to meet during the holidays.

AO3 Link Here

i wrote this for tumblr user @xthis-rebelle for the @pjosecretsanta2k17, hope you enjoy your gift!! happy holidays! shoutout to my homegirl tumblr user @rinarraven for beta reading, cheerleading me through the writing process, and taking my drarry fic recs seriously i have a lot of emotions over them ok

“I need your help.” Never before had a sentence been so utterly true to Will Solace as the one he uttered then. He suspected it never would be so true ever again in his life.

The clerk at the help desk only sighed greatly, leaned forward onto the dull plastic surface of the counter, and gave Will a bored look. If the color gray could be held in someone’s voice, it would lace his next words. “Of course, sir. How can I help you?”

Will needed this retail worker - this poor, poor retail worker tasked to deal with people like Will himself two days before Christmas in an overly bright department store - to understand. Understand what was at stake at this moment in time.

His look was intense, his voice even more so, when he leaned down to better meet the workers bored gaze. This, at least, seemed to catch his attention more.

“It’s two days before Christmas,” Will stated obviously, the calendar on the wall proving this statement. “It’s the day before Christmas Eve, I have four younger sisters, and I have not bought a thing.”

He buried his head into his hands, stupidly grateful that this area of the store was mostly empty of customers for now, and let out a shaking breath. No one should see his shame.

“I need to get four awesome gifts for my four awesome sisters, and I need to do it soon. Like, yesterday soon. And I need them gift wrapped. I could honestly care less about the cost.” Will was well aware of the pathetic vibe that he was putting off. Maybe that would help his cause. His voice was weak as it rushed out of him. “Please help.”

The worker - Nico, his nametag read off in a neat font - gave him a considering look. Much more considering than Will would have thought. “Okay, I’ll help you.”

Will nearly wilted with relief. “Thank you.” He slumped against the counter, his breath rushing out of him. “I was looking at your online catalog - wait, where are you going?”

Nico, surprisingly, was pulling off his nametag and visor with a grin, dropping them both on the counter. He ignored Will’s question and turned in place only to cup his hands around his mouth.

“Tracey!” A scowling woman turned from the front counter, looking already ready to snap at him. But Nico only grinned gleefully in response to her piercing glare. “I quit!”

Will stuttered in shock, his hands coming up. “Wait - what - I - you said you were gonna -”

“I am,” Nico jumped over the counter, grabbing his arm and beginning to pull him down the long, glossy front aisle of the store. Around them, people were staring. “But you’re not going to find anything worthwhile in here, I promise.”

Will, for some unknown reason, allowed himself to be dragged out, casting a desperate look to the store around them as he was pulled through the front doors. Once outside, Nico stopped, pulling the other boy in front of him. Will cast a desperate look back towards the department store.

“We’ve got to game plan,” Nico made a motion of thinking it over. “And coffee. That shift felt like it would never end.”

Will was still sputtering along, making high pitched noises of confusion.

He just wanted to buy his sisters Christmas presents. Was that so hard?

“Starbucks,” Nico decided on, wrinkling his nose in disgust. “Overpriced and usually burnt, but it’ll work. Decent cider, if anything.”

“I -” Will’s eyes were wide and confused and settled on the stranger standing across from him. Well, at least he was cute. “There’s one the next street over.”

Nico grinned slightly, a crooked sort of thing, and was still holding onto Will’s arm - perfect, as he dragged the other boy along. “Great. Let’s go.”

“Name’s Nico di Angelo,” He shot Will a horribly lopsided, terribly handsome grin as they walked, their strides matching together nicely. “And what’s the name of the guy I just quit my job for?”

Was that Will? It had to be. Right? Yes.

But why?

“Will,” he finally choked out, still being led along by the arm. “Will Solace.”

Nico shot him a small grin over his shoulder. “Nice to meet you, Solace.”

After only a few more minutes of walking, and Will questioning his life decisions, they came across the familiar green and white logo. Nico wrinkled his nose again at the familiar coffee bean scent that was already hitting them from the streets. Nico pulled him in before, finally, releasing Will’s arm.

“Perfect,” Nico declared after a moment, jumping forward to snag an empty table. Rare, so close to the holidays. “What do you want?”

Will took a seat, blinking. “Um,” it seemed he would be needing caffeine for the day ahead of him. “White chocolate mocha, hot. Please.”

Nico nodded once, taking to the short line, leaving Will alone at the table.  

Okay. So. This changed his plans.

He was with a stranger in a Starbucks, still no closer to finishing up his gift list, two days before Christmas.

This was weird, right? Should he just… leave? Probably not after the other boy quit his job to help Will… but, like, who did that?

No one normal, right?

Nico was returning, two cardboard cups in his hands, a thoughtful look on his face. Looks like Will was staying.

He set the matching red cups on the table, taking the seat across from Will. He took his cup, mostly just to have his hands busy with something, and the other boy spoke up.

“We need to game plan,” the other boy pulled out his phone, frowning at the screen. “No major stores should have any major hour changes but the lines are going to be crazy. We need to figure out what stores we’re going to hit.”

Will’s eyebrows came together, “We were just at a store -”

“I’m never stepping into a Macy’s ever again.” Nico refused, “Anyways, there’s no such thing as a life-changing, bomb-ass present in a department store.”

Will sighed, sinking back into his chair. “I’m usually like, so good at this. Months in advance, personalized-designer-wrapping-paper good at this.”

Nico only looked mildly interested. “And? What happened?”

Will let his head hit the dark, glossy wood of the table, a satisfying thunk following. “Med school happened.”

Nico winced. “Ouch. My sister’s boyfriend is in med school right now and like, I think he died. I haven’t seen him in… weeks, probably.”

“That sounds accurate,” Will’s voice was one of a broken man. He lifted his head from the table. “I can’t believe I just...forgot.”

“At least you’re not trying to collect from the premade gift aisle,” Nico gave him a sympathetic look. Will could already tell it was a rare expression for the other boy.

“No, I just have to somehow provide four thoughtful, wonderful presents for my equally great sisters.” He groaned, “I really, really don’t know how I’m gonna do this.”

Nico took a long drink from his coffee. “Guess we’ll just have to get started then.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and seemingly got in the mindset.

“Alright,” Nico pulled a napkin from the stack he had thrown down in between them, followed by a pen from his jacket pocket. “Who are we shopping for?”

Will was still quickly adjusting to the ‘we’ factor of the equation but hey, he was a pretty adaptable guy.

“My sisters, four of them.” Will held his fingers, ticking them off as he listed their names. “I’m the oldest. Then it’s Hina, at twenty-one, then Kayla at seventeen, Selena at sixteen, and Marisol at eleven.” Nico was writing down the information in neater handwriting then Will would have thought.  

“What did you get them last year?” Nico paused, his pen hovering.

Will thought about it for a brief moment, “Subscription boxes, six months worth each.”

Nico considered that for a moment. “Not bad,” He finally settled on, “What kind?”

“Uh,” He squinted, thinking back to the horde of confirmation emails probably still sitting in his inbox. “Well, Hina got a music one where she got new CDs and like, music note socks or something every month. Kayla got one where they send you like, a new book every month, Selena got a make up one that she specifically asked for, and Marisol got one of those international snacks and candy ones, where you get a new country every month? It was cool.”

Nico scrawled a few more words on the napkin, nodding his head in approval. “Okay. We should be able to go off this.”

Will pursed his lips, giving the other boy a questioning look. “Seriously, like, not that I don’t appreciate it but -” Will moved to biting his lip instead. “Why are you doing this? I mean, quitting your job and helping me?”

Nico stopped writing and set his pen down, looking up to meet Will’s waiting gaze. “Wanna know something?”

Will blinked, “Uh, sure?”

Nico gave him a single nod, “I’ve had six jobs in the past year, and I’ve hated every single one.”

“What?” At that, Will’s voice was sharp and surprised. “What - I - how? How do you even like, pay bills? Survive?”

He gave Will a casual shrug, “My dad helps pay for everything I do. My sister decided to go to art school with it, but I’m not really cut out for school. So I -” He gestured to his surroundings, “work at department stores and quit on a whim to take a cute boy out for coffee.” Nico took a slow drink of his coffee, apparently not noticing Will’s rough blush. “I’m just looking for something that sticks, I guess. And it definitely wasn’t going to be fucking Macy’s. This sounded fun.” Nico gave him a look. “Can you blame me?”

Will blinked a few times, processing. “I guess not,” he finally decided. “...What else have you done this year?”

Nioc held out a hand, ticking off one with each job he named. “I’ve been a barista, waiter, assistant librarian, surf shack employee, gas station clerk, and uber driver.” His eyes lit up fo a quick second. “Hey! Seven jobs now. Got one in just before the year was up, nice.”

Will didn’t even know how to respond to that. He only shook his head, taking a long sip of his drink.

Nico seemed to take that as his que to turn back to the wrinkled napkin in front of him. He cocked his head to the side, chugging the last of his coffee, and looked back to Will in question.

“Who’s easiest to shop for?” Nico asked, absentmindedly rolling his pen between his fingers.

“Selena,” Will knew nearly instantly, because it was true. Selena would happy cry over a wilted flower if Will put enough effort into picking it.

Nico looked satisfied with that. “Selena, what does she like?”

Will chewed on his lip, “Makeup, usually. Reading - she and Kayla are always trading books - and, uh, science? She’s won her school’s science fair like, twice already.” There was a barely hidden note of pride in his voice. What? His sisters were awesome.

“Makeup, reading, and science.” Nico mused, his hand coming up to his chin and everything. He pocketed his pen and napkin. “Let’s start with the first.” He went quiet. “You know what that means, right?”

Will sighed. He did. Vividly, often through nightmare.

“There’s a Sephora in the mall,” Will set his shoulders like a man going off to war. He collected their cups and threw them towards the trash. “Let’s do this.”

Five steps in and Will Solace was truly feeling the definition of regret.

His eyes were wide, taking in the bright lights, the blinding glossy white interior, the crowded aisles, and he needed to take a deep breath.

“This is… a lot of options,” Nico stated the obvious, looking unsure for the first time during the whole experience. “Do you know what she wears?”

Will glanced around the brightly lit store, frowning, probably a little close to desperate tears. “I mean, I just, I don’t really know what she wants - she’s very particular about the ingredient lists and brand or stuff. For her birthday I just let her loose in here and let her get a handful of whatever.” He stepped hesitantly forward, some of the brand logos looking a bit familiar. “Maybe…?”

Did Selena even wear - he quickly read the label of the nearest bottle - setting mist? What even was that, and why in the world did a 4 oz plastic bottle cost thirty two dollars?

He set it down with a sigh, incredibly aware of the other boy’s waiting presence at his side.

He cast a look around the store - so close to the holidays it was near bursting. The line to the register was reaching nearly them, at the front of the store.

Will didn’t know the first thing about makeup. What the hell was he thinking?

He let out a sigh, his head hanging. “I should give them all cash or something. Admit defeat.”

Nico was clearly just as lost in the brightly lit store, but turned to the other boy with a fierce look on his face. “No,” he boldly declared, grabbing onto Will’s sleeve to pull him out of the store, something that was quickly becoming commonplace. “No.” he repeated once they were clear of the crowd, the look still on his face. “We’re only, what, an hour into shopping? We can’t give up yet!”

Will let his head hang, “I have no idea what to get her.” He gestured towards the store, “I don’t know the first thing about all that, and I’d rather let her get herself something she’d actually use rather than just play an expensive round of a guessing game.”

There was a beat of silence as Nico clearly thought that over. “Okay,” he said after a moment, “Okay, let’s give up on the makeup. You said she likes, what else, reading and science?”

Will let out a breath, nodding. “Yeah. She, uh, wants to go into chemistry and stuff.”

Nico was already nodding with thought. “Yeah, yeah.” His voice was absent-minded. After a moment, his eyes lit up. “She likes science?”

Will just said that. “I just said that,” Will agreed, a bit confused. Nico grabbed onto his wrist yet again and began pulling him along.

He let himself be guided, catching up to walk in stride with the other boy. “Where are you going?” Nico pulled him to the curb, already calling for a taxi. “Nico?”

“Trust me,” Nico shot him a quick half-grin, pulling him into the street as a taxi pulled over. To the driver, he flipped his phone to show the driver the screen, and shared a quick grin.

Despite the fact that he probably shouldn’t trust the total stranger pulling him around the streets of Chicago, Will kind-of, sort-of, did, just a little. Nico, already slid across the back seat of the car, gestured for him to get in after him. And Will, after only a quick moment of hesitation, did.

“Here,” Nico declared, leaning forward to pass the driver some folded bills. “Will, out on your side.”

Will, still staring out the window, blinked in surprise. “Here? What -”

“C’mon,” Nico pushed against his back, urging him forward. Will did as told, stupidly grateful the driver had managed to park to close to the sidewalk. They paused in front of the building, taking it in.

“The Museum of Science and Industry,” Nico announced after a moment, gesturing towards the grand building. “Here we are.”  

Will stepped back to better view the large building, apologizing as he nearly bumped into a few other people. He smiled, glancing to the other boy.

“I haven’t been here in forever,” he shot a fond look towards the building. “I always mean to come back. Their Christmas exhibit is up, isn’t it?”

Nico grabbed his wrist, just above his palm, and began pulling him up the stairs. “Every year.”

Will allowed himself a grin at the sight of the familiar building, even as the dunked through the crowded doorway. He bit his lip, thinking.

“I love this place but...why are we here?” As the words were coming out, Will realized. “Selena.”

Nico nodded in triumph, still pulling Will along. The crowd was nearly worse here then in most of the stores Will had seen. “She loves science right?”

Will was regaining the energy that Sephora had seeped out of him. “Totally! We can get her a...t-shirt?” He winced at that idea, “Or something cooler. I’m sure their gift shop has a lot of stuff.”

“Ooooor,” Nico dragged out, finally stopping in front of the ticket counter. He pointed towards the large sign that hung from the wall. “You can get her a membership. The exhibits are always coming and going, and she can come see them whenever she wants.”

Will paused. That wasn’t a...horrible idea.

Nico plucked a pamphlet from from the nearest desk, flipping through it for a moment before passing it along. The membership page, listing all the perks of each tier.

“This...might be a good idea,” he finally admitted, his hand rubbing along his chin as he thought. “She does love it here, I think she’s had like, three birthdays here. And free year round tickets would like, bind her here.”

Nico nodded in satisfaction, leading them towards the back of the line, letting Will continue to look over the paper. “If you wanna keep looking, I’m sure there’s somewhere else we can go. But this sounds good for her, at least from what you’ve said.”

“It does sound good,” Will agreed, holding the pamphlet into his pocket. “I think this is something she’ll definitely like.”

Nico shot him a grin, stepping forward as the line went up, and rolled his shoulders. “One down, three to go.”

They made some mindless small talk as they waited - Will was still basically spending his day with a stranger at this point - and learned a few things about Nico himself. He had a sister as well, younger, who’d he’d actually managed to shop for weeks ago. He added on the last bit with a grin, his eyes dancing and voice teasing, and Will only rolled his eyes goodheartendly in response.

Soon, thankfully, the line died down, and it was their turn at one of the many front desks. Will explained which membership he wanted - the dual, so she could bring along one of her nerdy friends whenever she wanted - and answered the few questions they asked as Nico stood at his side. The clerk, a tired but kind older woman, only shot the both of them a small, knowing grin as she typed into her ancient keyboard.

When the time came, he reached for his checkbook, glad he always kept a pen on his person, and filled out the accompanying paperwork quickly. It was mostly basic information, nothing too serious, and before long they were handing over a thick packet with bound papers and a rectangular membership ID with Selena’s name spelled neatly across.

He stuffed it all into the side packet of his coat, careful not to let anything spill out, and followed the other boy through the thick crowd out the front entrance. They pulled themselves to a corner without much crowd, close to a few of the neighboring buildings.

“Alright,” Nico tapped away at his phone screen for a moment, the Uber app screen flashing back at him, before turning his attention back to Will. “Who’s next?”

Will thought about it for a moment before deciding. “Kayla, she should be easy.”

Nico nodded, and Will could almost see the other boy mentally returning back to the quick list he had made in the coffeeshop. “What does she like?”

“She likes reading and exercise, mostly.” Will leaned his head back in thought, “She’s really gotten into archery this year so I was thinking maybe something related to that? I mean, she treats her bow like a literal baby so maybe not that but something with her arrows?”

Nico considered that, “That doesn’t sound bad,” he finally decided. There was a moment of silence before he spoke again. “Do you particularly know anything about archery that could help us shop for her gift?”

Will bit his lip, giving him a look that said everything.

Nico sighed, pulling his phone out, “Looks like I’m calling for help.”

Nico wandered off to side, his phone pressed to his cheek, leaving Will on his own, leaning against the side of the building. The crowd was much thinner than it had been inside the building, probably due to the harsh chill of the wind, but due to Will’s traditional layers-upon-layers for warmth, he didn’t mind much. At a bit of distance, Nico was laughing sharply into his speaker. Will huddled into himself, shielding himself for warmth.

Only a few minutes had passed before Nico returned, hitting the bright red end button on his screen, a small smile in place. Before Will could ask, Nico spoke up.

“My sister’s boyfriend,” Nico explained, pocketing his phone. He began heading in their opposite direction, purpose in his step. Will, pushing himself off the side of the building, followed.

“The one in med school?”

Nico nodded, seeming knowing the way. “He’s also pretty into archery when he’s not drowning under a flood of textbooks and essays, so I figured he might give us an idea.”

Not the worst idea. Will nodded in approval, “And?”

“And,” Nico continued, his hand finding Will’s to better pull him across the sidewalk. Will, with his hand circling loosely around the other boys, couldn’t find it in himself to pull away, or mind in the slightest. “He’s texting me some ideas which, coindeicently, will help serve as a benchmark to find his own gift. So -” he flashed a smile at Will, “win-win situation here.”

Will was still a bit thrown off from the other boy’s grin, “Yeah,” his voice wasn’t nearly as sure as he’d like. He cleared his throat, “Good idea. Where are we going now?”

Nico had paused on the side of the sidewalk, his phone back in his hand. The other one was still firmly holding onto Will’s, and Will wasn’t too sure on how to handle that. “Some sports shop Frank recommended, says its where he gets all his stuff. Our Uber should be here soon.”

Will hummed, “Where is it?”

At that, Nico paused, his free hand hovering in the air over his phone. He shot a quick look over at Will, almost like he had been hoping Will wouldn’t ask.

Will raised his eyebrows, a bit suspicious now. With a bit of regret, he pulled his hand away to cross his arms. “Nico?”

The other boy let out a large sigh. “Frank swears this place is great,” Nico’s voice took on a convincing tone, “and the prices are great.”

There was shoe Will was waiting to drop and swiftly kick him in the face. He kept his eyebrows raised. “But?”

Nico let out a breath, “But it’s...it’s in the Water Tower.”

Will’s arms dropped to his sides. “No.”

Nico grimaced, “Yeah.”

If Will was a weaker man, there would be tears in his eyes. “Nico, no.”

“Listen,” Nico was trying to keep his voice high, “I’ve worked in a Macy’s, a goddamn Macy’s, all through their holiday season. I have faced screaming soccer moms, shoplifting teens, and middle aged customers willing to do anything for a ten percent discount.” Nico took a breath, almost trying to convince himself now. “What’s that gotta have on one of the biggest malls in the city?”

“One of the biggest malls in the city, if the biggest, two days before Christmas.” Will corrected the other boy, a bit more back in himself now. “Nico, we can’t.”

“Will,” Nico’s hands were back on him, now one resting on each of Will’s shoulders. “Will Solace. Do you love your sisters?”

There was no hesitation. “Of course.”

“Okay,” Nico’s hands gripped at his shoulders. At the curb, a gray car was pulling up, an Uber sticker in its window. “You love your sisters. And because you do,” Nico glanced over his shoulder very quickly before returning his much-too-intense gaze back to Will. “Because you do, you’re going to get into that car. And we’re going to go the Water Tower Place two days before Christmas, and we’re going to get your sister the best present ever, alright?”

Will stared at the other boy with wide eyes, holding his breath, before letting it all rush out of him. His shoulders, pressed down my Nico’s gripping hands, fell. “Alright. Let’s...let’s go.”

It was worst then Will had imagined.

When he was a teen, Will’s best friend had convinced him to go Black Friday shopping in order to score some new winter clothes. They had lined up a few hours before with cups of hot cider in their hands and were both bundled in thick coats, scarves, and hats. They had made friends with a few of their fellow customers in line, even splitting a candy bar with one, and everything had been going relatively smooth and simple and calm.

But once those doors opened?

Chaos.

The end of the world will come in chaos and craze and Will was ninety percent sure it would be from the trigger of a shopping sale post-holiday.    

And this? The sight of one of the most notorious malls in the region, two days before Christmas?

This was worst.

As soon as they had entered through the doors, Nico had gripped onto Will’s hand, pulling him along. Will didn’t feel the flutter in his chest, the blush in his chest this time around at the other boy’s hand in his. No, this was for survival.

Nico led them into a department store, not Macy’s, never Macy’s with Nico at his side, that was thankfully a bit more deserted then the rest of the building. Sure, they were still bumping shoulders with strangers every few seconds, but no longer in the immediate danger of being trampled. So, like, that was an improvement.

Nico shot him a look, his chest heaving. “A breather?” It was more of beg then a question. Will only nodded, following the other boy as he found them a quiet bit of store.

Which was the women’s sock department, apparently.

They caught their breath, perusing the section out of boredom, and it wasn’t long before one of them spoke up.

“What time is it?” Nico asked a bit absentmindedly, shifting through a nearby rack of clothes. All violently covered in sequins and glitter so like, probably not for his personal style.

Will dug out his phone, squinting at his screen. “Around noon, I thin-”

“What is that.”

Will glanced up to Nico staring straight at him, his gaze intense. Will followed his eyes a bit down to his phone, cradled in his hand.

“My...phone?” Will answered as a question. He held it up for evidence.

Nico was staring at it in disbelief, “That’s not a phone. That’s a fossil. I think I’ve seen that exact phone in a museum.”

Will rolled his eyes goodheartedly, “Ha ha.” His voice was coated in sarcasm, “Very funny, Nico.”

Nico was still staring at it, squinting at it now as he examined it. “Can you even text off this thing?”

Will clicked his tongue, pocketing the piece of old tech. “Very slowly.” He finally admitted, “It takes awhile.”

The other boy looked almost fascinated, “But why?” He asked with gross fascination, “Like, you’re getting your sisters nice gifts. You’re wearing designer, and Macy’s sells the exact boots you’re wearing for like, a triple figure price. Can’t you afford a phone made before 2003?”

“I need it for work,” Will bumped his hip into the other boy’s, “It had to be able to work with my pager, or whatever.”

At that, Nico’s eyes went impossibly wider. “Your pager? My gods, Solace -”

“Aren’t we here for Christmas shopping?” Will interrupted impatiently, “Kayla, remember?”

Nico still looked lost as he processed this information. Will impatiently snapped his fingers in front of his eyes.  

Nico scowled, mostly playful. “Ignoring the travesty of your phone situation -” Will snorted, “we should be almost there. Just have to cut through this store’s escalator and Frank said it’ll be on the next level.”

Will nodded, not bothering with an answer, and let the other boy take the lead. He seemed to have more of an idea of the mall anyways, whereas Will hadn’t stepped foot in here in years. After going up the escalator and through a few more minutes through the department store, the crowd was back as they entered into the mall space. Screaming children, rushing adults, teens that were determined to travel in inflexible packs. Gods, Will hated it there.

But Nico was nearly immune to the heavy crowd, definitely in part to his job in retail, and only squared his shoulders and pushed them forward, his hand back around Will’s hand. They paused once to look over the mall map, a glowing screen pillar in the middle of the crowd, but were soon able to stop, their hands clenched again (for survival), and take a much needed breath.

“Here we go,” Nico gestured to the store, some kind of sports outlet. “Frank said the stuff we’re gonna look at will be towards the back wall.”

Nico lead them through, stopping to look over their supplies.

“What do you think she needs?” Nico asked, looking over the wall of supplies. “Maybe some arrows?”

Will shook his head already, “I don’t know her exact bow type or anything, or like if she has a preference for anything. Maybe something safe?”

Nico thought it over, still facing the wall. “Some gloves?”

Will shrugged, looking over the few pairs they had hanging. That wasn’t a bad idea, and Kayla would probably love a spare pair, but it didn’t seem enough.

Nico pointed to the wall, towards the bottom. Along the wall, they were displayed in a glass case. “What about one of those?”

Will looked up, following his gaze, and paused. Not bad. Pretty good, actually.

“Those are nice,” Will admitted, taking a step forward with the other boy.

“Does she have one?”

“A quiver?” Will turned back to the ones in the case, “I think she uses like, the beginner quiver that came with her arrows.” Will wrinkled his nose in thought, “It’s like, plastic and cheap fiber. She’s complained about it.”

Nico snapped, “That’s perfect. They’ve got some opinions here…” He turned to examine the wall better, bending down. “They’ve got some heavier duty ones, some metal or plastic ones but…” He straightened up, letting Will get a good look in. “The best looking one seems to be those leather ones.”

“They are pretty nice,” Will agreed, the more traditional ones proving most pleasing to the eye. They seemed to fit Kayla better, rather than the dull single colored cases they had on display.

“They do personalizations,” Nico nodded in approval at the small pinned sign declaring so, “You can get like, a name of symbol or whatever stitched in the leather. That would be cool.”

Will considered that, doubtful. “But can they get it done on such a short notice?”

Nico tapped the sign hanging on the wall, having already read it through. “If you put in your order before five, it says it can be ready for pick up tomorrow. It’s just a quick name stick, but I’ll look awesome.”

“But that means…” Will let out a breath, “That means I’ll have to come back.”

Nico’s face took the opposite of pity, a bit smug. “Have fun with that, then.” He pulled the stitching request form off the counter, waving one of the workers closer.

Will went through the motions, filling out the papers quickly, sliding his ID and card over to the bored looking sales teen. He ended up throwing in the gloves, she would be needing a new pair eventually, as well as some polish for her bow. A good gift, all in all, that would be ready once he was back to pick it up tomorrow afternoon.

He had to nearly suppress his sudder.

The mall. On Christmas Eve.

He would be having nightmares tonight in anticipation, he could already tell.

Will paid and grabbed his bags, pulling Nico away after the boy made his own similar purchases for his friend, and after rushing through the building and elevator at top speed, they were out again on the streets, the chilled air harsh against their faces. It had never felt so loving.

“We’re free,” they both shared a sigh of relief, collapsing on a nearby bench. Around them, the traffic was loud, and their breath curling in front of them.

“Two more,” Will let a small, victorious smile take place. He was doing better than he’d thought he’d do this morning.

They relaxed on the bench, Nico on his phone, Will’s feet aching a bit but relieved for the moment.

A bit of time had passed, long enough for Will’s leg to fall asleep, before Nico was clicking off his phone, looking up to the other boy. “Who’s next?”  

Will sat up at that, thinking it over, “I thinking Hina.”

Nico gave him a look telling him to go on, nodding a bit. Will sighed, his hands coming up.

“Hina is probably the hardest to shop for,” Will groaned, rubbing at his greasy eyelids. “Everything she wants, she just buys for herself.”

“We just have to find something she doesn’t know she wants,” Nico announced, like that was easiest thing in the world to do. “What’s she like?”

“She’s…” Will trailed off, a flicker of surprise flashing in his eyes, “She’s actually kind of like you.”

Nico raised both eyebrows, “Oh? And that is...?”

Will couldn’t suppress an eyeroll. “Attempts to be cooler than she actually is.”

Nico didn’t even bother to look annoyed, “But what does she like?”

Will shrugged, mostly to give himself a few more moments to think. “Music, mostly. She works at a radio station, and she’s obsessed with music quality or whatever. She likes cooking and poetry, and she collects gemstones.” He lifted his shoulder in a half-shrug, “But still, I have no idea what to get her.”

“Music, huh?” Nico went quiet for a moment. “I think I have an idea.”

“Are you actually going to tell me about it this time, or simply drop me off in front of it again?”  Will shot him an unimpressed look, crossing his arms.

Nico only matched Will’s bored look, “Sweetums, you already know the answer to that.”

At that, he turned, grabbed Will’s hand, and began to pull him along. At least with this, Nico couldn’t see the subtle flare of color that burst into Will’s cheeks.

The small victories, he supposed.

“I...don't think I've been here before.” Will finally admitted after a long period of silence standing in front of the small shop. Nico scoffed out a laugh.

“I didn't think so,”  His voice was amused, “but I know this place pretty well. Follow me.”

That seemed to be his task of the day, and he did so without complaint, following the other boy up the stairs and through the doorway. Nico did seem to know the aisles well enough, his pace determined as he lead them to the back of the store.

He paused as they reached the back wall, shooting an expectant look towards Will, and waited.

“A record player?” Will stated obviously, looking at the lined up boxes more closely. Distantly, a soft song from playing from the shop’s speakers, someone was popping their gum, and a group of teens were laughing as they flipped through dusty records. An odd soundtrack, but not an unpleasant one.

Nico seemed to almost take offense at his comment, “It's not just a record player. His hand came up to trace the cardboard box, the closest thing Will had seen to a loving gaze in his eyes. “It's the best record player.”

“I'll take your word on it,” Will muttered. Finally, after a few more moments of staring it down, he gave the other boy a doubtful look. “Are you sure? Do you think she'll like it?”

“I've never met your sister,” As if Nico had to clarify, “But I know any music fanatic would love this.”

Will was still looking doubtful, and Nico continued.

“It’s the only way music should be played,” At that, Nico stuck his nose in the air, angling up his chin. “No one should have to suffer through horrible music quality.”

“Gods,” Will nearly groaned out, “you two are so alike, I can’t believe it.”

Nico was unfazed by that, “Well, if we're so alike, then she'll love it. I got one for my birthday a few years ago and I haven't been able to go back.”

“Go back?”

Nico only rolled his eyes, “To horrible song quality, duh. I can hardly bear to listen to anything off my old iPod anymore.”

Will scoffed at that, but actually thought it over. “This isn't your worst idea.” He finally admitted, examining the box more carefully. It seemed to be nice quality, a dark purple color, with a leather case. He could already imagine it on Hina’s bookshelf. “This seems like something she'd actually use, at least.”

“You can thank me later,” Nico shot him a smug look.

Will, resisting the urge to roll his eyes, reached for his wallet.

His arms were weighed down by his few heavy bags - Nico had insisted on a few more additions to Hina’s record player, basically essentials the other boy had claimed, and it was nearing the late afternoon as they made their way down the street, Nico already thinking through the rest of their afternoon.

“We can drop these bags off at your place, regain our energy a bit - are you hungry? - and then we can -” Nico cut himself off almost violently with a choke, stumbling in place, and finally came to a halt. His hand came down to clench at Will’s wrist.

Will tripped back, a question on his lips, before following his line of sight. There was a moment of silence.

“No,” Will was already denying, shaking his head. “I - I can’t.”

“It would be perfect,” Nico was almost in awe of the idea, incredulous that he hadn’t realized it earlier. “Marisol - from what you said - this is perfect.”

A pained expression crossed Will’s face. People were making annoyed noise at them, paused in the middle of the sidewalk. Unwillingly, Will took a step forward if only to get them out of the way. He said nothing, Nico easily taking the step forward with him.

“She would love you forever,” Nico remarked, leaning against the side of the building, staring down into the box. He buried his hands deep in his pockets.

Will shook his head again, already too weak in the face of the idea. “No, I really can’t -”

“What did she ask for?” Nico asked innocently, despite already memorizing the small Christmas list Will had provided.

Will sighed, his head dropping. “A pony.”

Nico gave him an elaborate sweep of his arm, “A puppy comes close enough, doesn’t it? She can even name it pony, bet the poor thing won’t even care.” At that, he squatted down at the box, the cardboard ‘Free Puppies!’ sign moving in the cold wind, and let a wide smile break across his face. He gave Will a look reading hurry up already and thrust his hand down so, presumably, the pup could get a smell of him.  

A small puppy, probably the runt from the size of it, jumped up from where it had been curled into the pile of blankets at the sight of them bending down, excitement and boundless energy evident in every line of its tiny body. A chocolate colored pup, with lighter colored spots down its back and nuzzle, and dark, shiny eyes.

Marisol would adore it.

“I…can’t.” It was much, much less sure than it was moments before.

The small pup pushed its front paws on the side of the box, panting happily, its tag wagging behind it. It stared directly up at Will, despite Nico’s gentle hand rubbing up and down its back. The meaning of ‘puppy eyes’ was suddenly so intensely clear to Will.

“I can’t.”

“Thank you so much, Cecil.” Will’s voice was weary and exhausted, “I’ll bring everything over in an hour or so.”

Will flipped his phone closed, Nico not even bothering to hide his obvious distaste with the outdated piece of tech, and sighed. Nico perked up. “So?”

Will sighed, his gaze dropping down to Nico's lap. “The puppy is going to stay with my neighbor until Christmas morning, it seems.” The tiny puppy stared up at Will from under Nico’s hand, panting happily. A bead of dog drool started dripping onto Nico’s dark jeans, unknown to the boy himself. Good.

Nico gave him an amused look as he scratched behind the puppy’s ears. It was, to Will’s despair, stupidly cute. “Now?”

Will sighed, already mentally finding his way to the nearest shop. “Now, we pet shop.”

“There’s… a lot of opinions.”

Will’s eyes had fluttered close after being faced down with the vast aisles, more out of desperation. “Have you ever had a dog, Nico?”

“My dad got one after my sister and I moved out, but I’ve never had one personally. My roommate has a cat?” Nico’s voice was, at least, trying.

“They need…” Will finally opened his eyes, the aisle no less numerous than they had been before. This Petco could go on for miles, he swore. “They need a lot.”

The puppy was squirming in Nico’s hands as they both took in the sight, Nico finally just letting the pup to the glossy tile. He wouldn’t be running off it seemed, with its tiny body and smaller legs.

Will was resigned, “I’ll get a shopping cart.”

We’ll need it, he didn’t add despite the truth in the statement.

And truth did he think.

“I don’t think, like, a kid even needs this much stuff.” Nico was poking around the cart as they wheeled out of the store, as if surprised to find the amount of stuff Will had managed to collected. It was a truly remarkable mountain of stuff. He began pulling the many heavy plastic bags out, adding to Hina and Kayla’s bags already hanging around his wrists.  

“So that’s everyone,” Nico said, the pup still in his arms. “What next?”

“Next is…” Will trailed off. What was next? “Home?” He tried.

“Oh,” Nico blinked back in almost surprise at that. What had he been expecting? “So this is...over?”

Was it? What even was this?

Will bit his lip, shifting his weight in hesitation, before holding up the bags in his arms with a shrug. “Help me get these home?” The puppy in Nico’s arms squirmed around, somewhat answering the question for both of them. There was no way Will could get all the bags, and a puppy, up to his shared apartment by himself. Will was almost grateful for that.

For the first time that day it was Nico following him somewhere, as Will leaned forward to gesture for a taxi, Will relaying the address to the rushed looking man. Nico was, surprisingly, mostly quiet the entire time. Not even on his phone, just...quiet, with his hand softly petting the now sleeping pup in his nap.

Did that mean something? Or was Nico just tired, tired of leading a stranger around all day, of playing nice with him?

Will bit his lip, clenched at his plastic bags, and ignored the silence - if it even meant something, something worth ignoring - from the other boy. The driver had a radio station of soft, sad sounding Christmas music playing, so at least the silence was not the dead sort.

It was their longest drive of the day, a little over twenty minutes, before the driver was pulling to the cub in front of Will’s apartment building. He paid and tipped, getting a firm grip on all his bags, before leading Nico out down his familiar sidewalk, up the worn stone front steps. The walk was thankfully short, the elevator thankfully in order. Fourth floor, as Nico cooed softly to the whining pup in his hands. Will bit his lip.

They dropped the puppy off first, Cecil winking and grinning towards Nico in a way that told Will he’d be facing questioning later on. When they finally made it up to Will’s fourth floor apartment, they paused.

Nico set the bag he’d been carrying on the ground. Kayla’s stuff, he thinks. All the puppy stuff had been stored at Cecil’s, just to be careful about Marisol’s prying eyes, so that left them only with a few remaining bags. They went quiet.

“Thanks for…” Will just gestured to the air itself, “everything today, I guess.”

Nico gave him a crooked grin, a bit too casual. “Gave me an excuse to never return to that crap hole of a department store.” He gave Will a half-shrug. “Maybe I should be thanking you.”

There was a beat of silence. Almost awkward, surprising as it hadn’t been awkward nearly all day. Confusing, yes. Annoying, a bit. Frustrating, probably too much. Fun, completely.

But not awkward, not until now. Both boys seemed to be equally uncomfortable with this new emotion.

“I’ll....see you around?” Will bit his lip, suddenly unsure. Will wanted to say more but had no idea where to find the words. What would he even say? He’d only known the other boy a day and everything he thought of seemed...too much.

Nico began walking backwards, still facing him, with his hands deep in his pockets. “Sure, Solace.” There was a small smile on his face. He was almost to the elevator now, almost gone. Where Will was biting his lips with a hesitant look, Nico had the air of nonchalance. “See you around.”

Will held up a hand in goodbye, not a wave, just a simple goodbye in motion.

And with that, Nico turned into the silver elevator doors, and disappeared as they closed after him.

And with that, he was gone.

And that was it.

That was the end of it.

Or at least, that should have been it.

That should have been the end of it all, the crazy adventure Will had had with a stranger who dragged him all around Chicago and made for a funny, amusing Christmas story to tell his sisters around the tree and over hot chocolate.

That would have been it, as far as both boys were concerned in relation to their stupid stubbornness, their silly uncertainty. Would have been it, the end of their little story together, had Nico di Angelo not gone home and the next day been forced to explain his recent unemployment to his younger sister. Had his younger sister not been forced to watch her brother’s face glow and light up and positively radiate as he told her all about his day, a break in his usual eyerolls as he laughed and relayed funny lines the two had them had shared, the gifts they’d picked out, the places they’d gone.

Had his sister cared a bit less, impossible for a girl such as she, or had she been late to that holiday, or simply forgotten to ask about Nico’s job, maybe it would have all gone differently. Nico wouldn't have had that moment, that moment where he paused, his words still half-spilling out of him, looked up and met his sister's knowing gaze, and had known. He wouldn't have had that, remembering how Will’s eyes sparkled through laughter, the crease between his eyebrows that left when he grinned. He wouldn’t have had the moment when he realized that oh, he didn’t want that to be the end.

But he did have that moment, so this could not be the end. 

“Will, your boyfriend’s here!”

Will paused, his hands deep in soap and suds, hot water up to his wrists. Doing the dishes on Christmas morning after Hina’s chocolate pancakes was nearly a tradition at this point, a chore Will never really minded on the holiday.

Marisol yelled again from the living room, now sounding annoyed, and Will snapped back to attention. He rinsed his hands quickly, wiping them on his pajama pants, and stepped away from the kitchen sink. Calling back, he stepped over wrinkled wrapping paper in the hallway. “I don’t -”

He cut himself off as he stepped into the living room, blinking back in surprise.  

A leather jacket.

Nico was looking away from him, grinning as he bent low to more closely examine a construction paper ornament. Fifth grade, Will’s braces period. Great.

The other boy straightened up as Will paused in the doorway, still twisting his damp hands in the fabric of his shirt. There was a beat of silence as they took each other in. Will, still in his Christmas morning pajamas with messy bed head and zit cream still doting his face. Nico, however, looked as if he’d come straight off the runway, because of-fucking-course he did.

“Nice pants,” Nico was the first to break the silence, a shit-eating grin on his face.

A bright red color crawled up Will’s neck, and his words were numb with surprise. “They were a gift.”

Nico stepped forward, close enough to take a bit of the fabric and rub it between two fingers. “The Grinch. Nice. Very festive.”

“Thanks,” Will could barely speak. “How…” Will blinked a few times, “How did you know where I lived?”

Nico gave him a casual shrug, “Peeked off the address on your checks and hoped for the best.”

Will stared at him for a long moment. Nico grew just the slightest bit uneasy, before huffing out a laugh. Will broke out into a small grin, “Of course you did.” There was fondness in his tone. “And you just decided to show up Christmas day?”

It was Nico’s turn to look amused. “Well, I had to give you this.” He pulled out a perfectly squared box from his pocket. Will hadn’t even noticed it in the dark jacket. It was neatly wrapped, with ribbon spilling from the top.

“My sister wrapped it,” Nico explained, seeing the look on Will’s face. “She’s pretty good at crafts.

Will took the box with reverent fingers, peeking a look back up at the other boy. He was still in disbelief that Nico was here, in his living room, on Christmas morning.

Slowly, Will peeled back the wrapping paper, and had to stifle up the laughter crawling up his throat. He let the rest of the paper fall to the carpet, shooting the other boy a look.

“An iPhone,” Will’s voice was laughter filled despite himself. “Really.”

Nico gave him a look that matched Will’s tone. “It was fitting.” He ran a hand through his hair, glancing back before meeting Will’s eyes again. “Anyways, I have a reputation to uphold, and I can't date anyone still using a Nokia.”

An electric shock jumpkicked Will’s heart in his chest. “Date?”

Nico smiled. “Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. If you’d like?”

Will nodded slowly, his hands tightening around the phone box. “I’d like that.”

Nico’s smile became a grin, small and a bit shy. “Me too.”

They stared at each other for a long moment, just absorbing the other’s presence.

“I’m not getting rid of my flip phone,” Will finally got out, “I need it for work.”

“Guess you’ll be the weird guy at parties with two phones,” Nico smiled goodnaturedly through the entire exchange. Guess Christmas did that to you.

Nico’s face suddenly scrunched up with laughter, his eyes drifting to the ceiling “Look up.”

Will glanced up. Green leaves, bound with a bright red ribbon.

Will’s eyebrows came together. “How did that -”

Nico cut him off before he could question the decoration that had definitely not been there before but, well, Will could hardly complain.

With their lips pressed against another’s on Christmas morning, really, who would?

Will forced himself to break away from the other boy, only with a fierce reminder to himself that his sisters were most definitely still in their not-very-big-apartment and bound to wander in at any moment. He stared at the other boy, so close and smelling of winter and snow and cinnamon, and resisted the urge to lean back in.  

At that moment Pony bounced into the room, barking loudly at the sight of Nico, instantly going to jump around Nico’s feet. Will took a step back for some much needed room, and took a deep breath.

“I -” Will cut himself off, glancing away, his cheeks flared up. Just beyond the hallway, Marisol and Selena were peeking around the corner, giggles in their eyes that only made the blush on Will’s cheeks turn darker. Kayla, from the kitchen, was grinning behind her hand with Hina at her side. Hina was not even bothering to be secretive about the entire ordeal, staring straight ahead at them with a half-raised eyebrow. Will cursed his sisters and took another quick breath, glancing back.

Nico, of course, was now cradling the small puppy to his chest, smiling softly. Fuck. He looked up at Will.

Will swallowed. “Hot chocolate?” He asked, nodding his head to the side where, hopefully, Kayla and Hina weren’t waiting. “I have no idea how to work this phone anyways, I’ll need someone to show me.”

Nico only snorted at that, still running a gentle hand over Pony’s furry tummy. “Smooth, Solace.” But he followed Will into the kitchen nonetheless, smiling softly the whole time.

Will’s sisters still lingered in the kitchen, making an attempt to act like they hadn’t been eavesdropping the entire time. Marisol only beamed. “Merry Christmas!”

notes:

listen chicago is my bae and i fully understand that there is not an actual store in the water tower place that sells archery supplies/personalized arrows. i also understand this is fanfiction and nothing is real and i wanted a scene in a mall. so there's that. i! love! my! ocs!!!! pry them away from my cold, dead fingers. happy holiday season y'all!!! here's my obligatory solangelo holiday fic. it was intensely fun to write. reblog and review if you liked! i need validation to live so. feed me.