#starryhail

[xenvaei]

Dissolving MIROYMON, what's next?

Hello. I'm Hail, from the mohi system. This is a bit of a late, abrupt message for all of my social medias. As of July 23rd, MIROYMON as a collective, ceases to exist. While we, the system, will never depart from labeling our work under MIROYMON for ownership reasons, we will not refer to our career and our work as being from MIROYMON. MIROYMON, to us, no longer is what we want to be known for.

Other labels such as Elmani, Shifterstars/Starryhail, Alterworldly, and Dancingpuddle are connected to this label and will also be put to rest as we do not want to be known as that either.

Addressing the elephant, of course. The previous hosts have a long winded history of misdeeds that are publicly out there for everyone to see. I am ashamed of acknowledging that, even if those were not me, I am still the current host in the same body.

We engaged in debate in online spaces actively denouncing zoophilia and pro-zoos online, specifically on Twitter. We exposed the faces/deeds of a lot of zoos in therian + furry spaces just for fun. We don't have shame in this, we just look back at it with a cringe because we ended up falling into the radqueer crowd only to crawl out more disgusted with ourselves. Interacting even closely with deplorable ideas will lead you to exploring how they think.. then getting too close and being persuaded into.. basically a cult. We left the crowd and never want to revisit it.

We engaged in syscourse, which led to many heated encounters. We had, with the intent of warning them, called someone a "token asian" because they were oblivious to how both the pro-endo and anti-endo side was using their opinion in tulpa spaces in order to fill their own community grudges. While I was, in the long run, correct that the plural community never cared about Buddhist voices.. I used my own racial trauma to say that someone was being tokenized. That's not okay, that's fucking disgusting actually. It's the fact that, no matter if it was an old host, that the same body made the active choice to type it. It's gross, and I have since stepped back from syscourse and apologized.

We engaged in transandrophobia on cohost, which lead to us getting into an argument with a trans woman. Said trans woman is a transandrophobe, but my behavior in consistently using her actions as a way to punish others and her friends for follow along was not okay. To many, I harassed this woman for days on end. To me, I made her feel unsafe on a platform she came to in order to get away from Tumblr. I wanted to make an example out of transphobia in trans communities and how rampant it was. But, I quickly realized that fighting fire with literal magma doesn't do anything but make it worse. And I made it worse by even tempting to call out people on their transandrophobia. I defended myself online, people used my wife's image as a way to demean not only my sexuality but my ideas too. I fucked it up, I tore apart relationships and I made people uncomfortable by pushing it too far.

We engaged in altersex discourse, in which we created a lot of tension for intersex individuals who either did not enjoy altersex people or did not enjoy how I worded my altersex identity and morals. What I hear tends to be along the lines of me changing definitions, co-opting experiences, allowing h-slur usage, denying my perisexness in favor of altersexness, creating uncomfortable environments for intersex people in their own tags, and being tone deaf to intersex issues. I apologize, completely. No push back, no buts or whatever. I apologize, and I won't do it. Everything that I have ever done, I will take it back and I will change to be a better ally. I don't personally feel comfortable using shi/hir pronouns for myself and will stick to hiu/hium, even if I don't have a strong connection to the set. I will restrict all usage of the h-slur in and out of my communities. I accept that I am perisex, yet I do want to show that I am altersex as well and will use altperisex to describe myself instead.

In other places, I have lot personal friends for my explosive anger and behavior. I have betrayed trust, I have made others feel uncomfortable talking to me due to my past history. I have started fights over little things, and I have been stubborn over the internet just because I didn't have the right words to express myself.

In each part, in every thing I have done to harm others, I do recognize that distancing myself from the MIROYMON label by adopting another label would look as if I am.. running from my responsibility of clearing my name.

But I do not want to clear my name, nor do I want to deny all the things people have said about me - about my system - because of me. These events are not just a year's worth of issues, these issues span to 2018 to now. It has been more than 2 years of my disgusting behavior and I am sick of myself and haunting other people and being a blight in the world of other's. I am sick of trying to change and never actually changing because I haven't had the time to build myself. I am tired of having a disorder that makes it harder to find who I really am.

So, I have decided to rebuild myself and my branding and my name. This is for the safety of my system that I am consistently putting down, but for the safety of others who have been with me on this journey and who have left me because of this. I am doing this not for me, but for everyone I have ever put in danger or even stepped on by being who I am. I no longer want to be MIROYMON, I don't want to be representing MIROYMON. I want to be someone else, and I want to start over and dissolve every aspect under MIROYMON so that I may finally sit and have a chance to become a better person.

I will still draw, I will still publish, and I will still talk about being altersex. That is how it is, I cannot take a break or simply leave. I must trial and error my way, because then I do not make money and I cannot feed myself and I cannot become a better person.

I am a bad person. I am a horrible person, and I have done horrible things and I do not deserve to still have an existence where I am happily making othrs feel unsafe and uncomfortable with me around. So I am changing, I am forcing myself to change, I am molding myself by performing good and changing names and leaving this behind so that I can still afford to heal while not hurting people anymore. I don't want anyone to tell me that I never meant harm, I need people to tell me that I am a flawed person. I need people to nitpick at my flaws, tear me apart and find the reason why I'm so compelled to start fighting and hurting people so that I can actually change.

No, therapy doesn't work anymore. No, medication never soothed it. The only thing that is currently changing me is HRT, and I realized that I've been working my ass off to be better while on it. So, I'm sticking to HRT and disappearing into a new name with a new look, a new hope, a new joy, a new reason to live. With respect for people, without hurting people, without fighting or trying to be better. I just need to go away and never come back to these names. I need to restart and become better.

What's next?

I'm going to change the name of all my social media. We have not chosen a replacement name, but we will and we will change. I no longer want to run away from my mistakes and my problems, so that means ending them now with a new courage to become a better person.

I will most likely take a break from writing and art and pursue offline activities. My mother recently got surgery, so I am here helping her until September. She can't do basic activities without pain. I can't wither away alongside her.

I'm going to stop being so extreme. I'm still going to be goofy and a fantasizer, but I need to calm down. I just need to stop taking thins seriously. I need not provoke my anger and relapse on destructive behaviors.

I'm respecting the wishes of people who genuinely don't like me. I'm leaving, I'm stopping, I'm changing, and I hope the scars I gave you heal and leaves no marks. I am not a perfect person, no one is, and I am not criminal.. but I am emotionally draining and hurting others.

I'm gonna spend time in objectum spaces, I'm gonna love my wife and talk about it. I'm going to enjoy being objectum and do more in objectum spaces.

I'm going to work on altersex experiences and my community. I'm going to not step over intersex spaces and their experiences and I'm going to focus on my own.

This is a long post, but I wanted to end it with something nice.

I'm sorry, and I don't know what to say but I did this to myself. I thought I was doing everything right and that when things like this happen, when people lie about you, I thought that fighting back was the first answer. But it digs the hole under me, and it makes me fall into the behaviors I exhibit out of fear of messing it up.

I'm taking steps to ensure that I move on, that you move on, and that this shit stops here. Be safe, find peace, enjoy life.

[roughentumble]

tl;dr of the cohost drama from someone who popcorned the month long saga in real time: predstrogen and her friends were on cohost all of 3 days before throwing a huge fit (for many reasons unimportant to this story) and started telling people to kill themselves. starryhail called out predstrogen for her behavior without ever actually responding to predstrogen's posts or directly interacting with her in any way (mostly just vagueing about her or screenshotting her public posts). Predstrogen gets so angry that she starts putting this person on blast, tagging posts with their username, screenshotting their posts and reporting their account over and over (the same exact shit she claimed starryhail was doing to her)

starryhail gets banned from cohost. predstrogen gets off without even a warning or her posts removed, despite engaging in the exact same behavior, because she and her clique of friends are so rancid that the cohost staff don't want to touch them with a 30 foot pole.

tl;dr of the tl;dr: nothing that person said was transmisogynistic unless you define transmisogyny that as "disagreeing with literally anything Rita Predstrogen says"

good god this sounds like drama i dont want to touch with a ten foot pole

[clowncaraz-journal]

hello. over the past few weeks, i have been waiting for so long to address and speak on some things that I have been suppressing, mostly in fear, of what comes next from me releasing it.

i know that it might be easier, and that it might be simpler to never speak about it and to move on. but i do not want to do that. the history of my past behavior haunts me and i assume it probably haunts other people.

id like to believe for each of these situations, im a product of my own environment and where i am right now dictates it. but i know thats not true. a lot of the things i did here was because i am very motivated by the lack of "justice" for invisible crimes to the point where i end up doing the same thing. even in the current state i am right now, a few weeks from starting the break, i am flimsy and i fuck up, making people feel bad without my intention.

at some point, i realize that as i grow older, i cannot carry this into my adulthood and still be the person i want to be. i cannot under any circumstance believe myself to ever be a person worth forgiveness if i cannot accept that what my past headmates did absolutely reflects onto me now and that i, unfortunately, am made of their vigor.

please understand that i am being vulnerable right now and i understand and expect and probably want people to react with disgust. im old enough to know that i am untrustworthy by my own word, so i have provided links to posts by multiple people here.

the tags have to do with the content in the post.