#sry atheist/nonspiritual followers but having sex with god in the 8th dimension is all I’m going to be talking about for the rest of my life

[algolagniaa]

random thoughts about spirituality and sadomasochism

I’ve always been drawn towards hippie dippie new age peace and love and light and unity and we’re all connected and communing with nature type of spirituality, but I’ve never fully been able to embody that energy in large part because whenever i try it has felt like I’m faking it. reasons it feels like I’m faking it are 1) lack of empathy 2) wanting to kill people/liking hurting people sometimes and 3) EXTREME MASOCHISM, to the point where it’s actually gotten in the way of relationships even when I was actively trying to “heal” my sexuality. and I’ve always felt like those 3 things were keeping me from being the spiritual being I wanted to be. a few weeks ago I went to a meditation retreat where I did some healing around that (basically realized faeries are very far from beings of pure goodness so there’s no reason I need to be) however it wasn’t until my experience on Monday that it clicked for me how these things - and sadomasochism specifically - actually fit with the whole connection thing very well.

my view on spirituality/magic/the nature of the universe has always been: everything is part of a larger whole. studying biology rn is REALLY backing me up on this honestly. even atoms have a structure where lots of smaller parts come together to make a whole, cells have a structure where lots of smaller parts come together, the human body has this, society has this, the ecosystem, the solar system….. no matter how much you zoom in or out you will see lots of beings, both living and not, working together (consciously or not) for a collective purpose. problems with human society nonwithstanding, we are all meant to fill a role in the larger universe that involves connection with the rest of the world. if you’ve read any tumblr posts I’ve made ever you know that this is something I have always found very difficult. however I HAVE always found connection through sadomasochism, as much as people wanna tell me that it’s only hurting me (and I do see their point) it’s always been something beyond PURELY sexual for me. I mean it is still very sexual obviously. but I also experience it as like….. an opening up and giving all of myself to someone. complete surrender, dropping all acts and putting all walls down, just existing in the moment and feeling and hurting and allowing myself to be vulnerable with someone else and knowing that this person WILL hurt me and inviting it and delighting in it (more on this later) instead of trying to prevent it. that’s not to say that every sadist receives it this way (one of the reasons I have trouble dating) but it is why I have found it impossible to just stop having a kink.

when I first astral projected I told many people (really only 3 plus all of tumblr which doesn’t count, but whatever) that I was God. and that wasn’t wrong exactly but having some time to think about it (and not being on mushrooms anymore lmao) it wasn’t exactly right either. what I experienced was a perfect union with God. a knowledge that we are made of the same stuff and that she (I very much experienced God as a she) loves me deeply. my soul left my body and joined God in another dimension that I will not be trying to describe here because it’s absolutely indescribable, I’ve already tried and words fail me, but first I very much experienced God “cracking” me open and letting my soul out, and honestly in the moment I thought about the girl I’ve been excited about lately and I thought about vivisection and torture. and it all clicked together that actually my longing for that and my longing for spiritual experience are one and the same, or at least not so far apart as I had thought.

then the experience of being in that dimension was so much. I can’t even tell it in a linear way because so much up there was not linear. I don’t think time really existed? but one thing that happened is I SAW how the cycle of life and death works in a way I’d never seen it before. without a living body I got a new appreciation for everything living bodies do, is the best I can say it, and that appreciation extended to every part of life - even the gross shit. and I came to understand death, too, as not an end but simply another part of a living creature’s life cycle. this is something I already thought intellectually but never understood in the same way. and I could’ve stayed in this dimension forever but I realized I didn’t want to. it is where I belong and I’m going to go back there at some point. but I’m human right now and I want to keep being human. and I think the reason im even here is to experience exactly what it is to be human, and to live life and experience pleasure and pain and eventually die. I am here to get the entire human experience and I want all of it, including the parts that suck or are gross or intense or painful or scary for other people, because when I’m not human anymore I won’t get to have any of it. pain IS a pleasurable sensation for me because it means that I’m feeling, and I want to feel everything.

the lack of empathy makes more sense now too but I’m not going to go into that too deeply because it sounds cuckoo bananas even compared to the rest of this essay. but I will say that I think wanting to know what it is to be human is the same reason behind wanting to hurt people. it’s the same reason I like psychological experiments, on both me and others. I want to see what makes people tick. I want to see who they are with all pretenses dropped, same as I want to experience the same myself. the other reason is ofc the libran desire to make things even but I’ve actually felt so much less of that since coming back into my body. I think I did actually genuinely gain empathy or at least a lot more understanding for the people who have hurt me in my life.

also not quite related but everything is so much less boring now. I still feel detached and disconnected from everything but it is FAR less, and much easier to make myself connect when I want to.