#spy wearing engies helmet looks so stupid

[sentrysapper]

[tf2-headcanons-and-stuff]

Gala Black-Tie Event (ft. the mercs)

Bidwell told the mercs that they were being forced to a black-tie event

He was already dying on the inside so they decided to leave him alone

They all collectively agreed that no one wanted to do this or go, but there was no way out of it. They didn’t want to anger Administrator or Bidwell for that manner

Besides, it couldn’t be all that bad, right? All they had to do was buy some nice clothes (or just bring out really old ones out of the closet) and just attend some stupid event

But it was bad. It was really bad

Spy was already having a mental breakdown

He was in charge of not only trying to get the mercs to wear something appropriate (“Put that hat back Bushman, or I’ll stab you again.”), but he also had to teach them manners

Medic was suppose to help him, but he just laughed and went back to stealing Demo’s kidney

So Spy recruited Engineer to help him (*Cocks gun* “It wasn’t a question, Engineer. Help me.“)

Spy and Engie were trying to teach manners to the other mercs, while Spy was also trying to get them to were the proper attire

So while Engie is trying to teach Pyro that no, you cannot set any table cloths on fire, Spy is struggling to get Soldier to give up wearing his helmet

By the time the gala had arrived, the mercs were only semi-ready for it

Their attire was only a half win: Spy couldn’t get Soldier to give up wearing his combat boots, Pyro is still wearing their rubber gloves and boots with the suit and of course with his mask (it was a win that they even got them to wear the suit in the first place), Sniper wasn’t used to not wearing his hat or glasses and hated the suit, and Scout kept complaining about the shoes 

But other than that they all looked pretty good

Still didn’t mean that it would all end well though. And it didn’t.

Scout and Sniper kept complaining, so did Soldier at times

Spy could already feel the headache coming from all of their whining

When they first arrived, Spy immediately left the group to do his own thing, disappearing into the crowd of people; he didn’t want to be associated with them

When they entered the ball room, Sniper and Scout immediately noticed the long table that was full of fancy food

So they went over and as fast as they could grabbed as many platters of food that they could hold and stayed in a corner of the room, complaining together

Scout dragged over one of the tables so he and Sniper could sit down and enjoy the food

Engie was, unsurprisingly, one of the more polite and well mannered mercs

He was polite when people talked to him, and just went with saying that he was an engineer. No need to go into detail about how he’s killing people as well

He didn’t care for talking to the people though, they were all idiots

He was also in charge of watching Pyro and–dear god he already lost them

Not even thirty minutes have passed and Pyro is missing

So while Engie started to freak out, Demo could be found at the bar

He promised not to get drunk, and he wanted to keep that promise; all he was gonna do was get a little tipsy, honest

But he then he started to play a drinking game with himself: take a drink when some random person asked him about his profession and then doubt his abilities for said profession

He drank a lot more than he expected

When Soldier was left alone the first thing he did was put his helmet back on and left to search for Demo

When he found him, they decided to cause some mayhem together

Engie now was not only looking for Pyro, who was still missing, but for Spy to help him

Turns out finding a man wearing a balaclava is harder than expected

So Spy is missing as well

Heavy planned on just sticking with Medic for the entire time; he didn’t care for talking to people, plus it wasn’t like people were going over to talk to the Scary Big Russian Man

So he stuck to Medic’s side

It probably would’ve been better if Medic wasn’t so busy trying to one up another doctor

It had started off with Medic telling his amazing doctor stories–most guests at the gala didn’t appreciate it, for some reason

The only guest who stayed around for all the stories was a doctor 

They soon started to try and one-up each other, quietly trying to see who was the better doctor without making a scene

It soon evolved into a loud debate about if Medic’s methods were “barbaric” or not

Engie tried to ask him if he knew where Spy or Pyro was, but he just got yelled at

So Medic was a little busy

At this point Sniper and Scout ran out of food

Neither of them wanted to go to the buffet table and get more though; there was a chance that a person might talk to them

After a few rounds of rock-paper-scissors and arguing later, Sniper left to get more food

The second he was at that table, grabbing many plates of fancy tuna and crab legs, people were already trying to strike up conversations

This was just another mission for Sniper: get the plates of food back to his table. He was used to having to talk to people, he did it all the time back when he was an assassin, going around for any sort of job for money

He just lost all of those skills and became the awkward kid he once was when he joined Mann Co. and didn’t talk to anyone for many years, just staying within his van

So his social skills were really rusty

He just kinda stopped working when more and more people started to talk to him, it was too overwhelming 

Scout saw this and immediately went to rescue him 

He brought him outside to the parking lot to help calm him down

Once everything was fine they went to the nearest payphone and bought some pizza

So they chilled in the parking lot with pizza together 

Now, you’re probably wondering, “where the hell is that stinky Frenchman and what is he up to?” Well, the answers simple

He is 99% sure there is another Spy at the event

Now, he could be wrong; a combination of a lack of sleep, being buzzed from all the wine he drank, and stress could be messing with his mind

But he’s never wrong

So he was pretty sure there was a Spy there–he was also pretty sure he knew who it was

So he spent the entire night cloaking as different people at the Gala, trying to make sure the Spy didn’t get to him first 

His stress levels went from 85% to a solid 110%

Medic is now trying to, discreetly as possible, stab the other doctor in the neck with his syringe to bring back to the base because honestly this man was starting to get on his nerves for doubting his expertise

Heavy was also trying to make sure this didn't happen, but he knows Medic and knows that by the end of the night something will happen

Engie is still looking for Pyro

He finally found them though, which was a win

Engie found them about to set the table cloth of the buffet table on fire

He quickly stopped them and scolded them–turned out, Pyro was under neath the buffet table the entire time, and no one saw them thanks to the long table cloth

So, as Engie was scolding Pyro, Demo crashed into the buffet table, effectively breaking it

Apparently, Soldier and Demo thought it would be fine to roughhouse during a gala event

No one got hurt—well, Engie hopes no one got hurt–and Demo seemed completely fine

But before Engie could even say anything to them the cloth caught on fire

Pyro seemed really happy about this; they clapped in joy once the saw the small flame grow

….And Spy just stabbed a man. Alright then.

The night is getting more and more ruined by the second

Spy is shouting something about taking care of the other Spy, Demo and Solider continue to roughhouse, Pyro seems to be enjoy the growing flame on the buffet table, Medic saw the panic as a perfect time to strike, and all of the other guests are freaking out

Engie decided that this might be the best time to leave

Gathering the mercs, Engie got them all to hurry out

When he saw Sniper and Scout outside, he was relieved–he completely forgot that those two were even there in all honesty

So, as Engie yelled at Sniper to start the car, he pushed Spy (who was covered in the other man’s blood) to hurry up, as Soldier and Demo laughed at everything that had happened, and Medic carrying a knocked-out doctor over his shoulder 

Bidwell is quietly having a mental breakdown

He just wanted for the night to be sort of nice. It only took less than an hour for the mercs to set the place on fire with a dead body

The night could’ve gone a lot worse, in Engie’s opinion

It was a win in his book

[bus-noises]

I’ve fallen in love with TF2, not for the gameplay but for the characters. I love reading the comics, seeing fanart, all that jazz. Finally, I decided to create my own fanart with my own spin on it. I drew this in IbisPaintX with my finger.

Speed paint: https://youtu.be/QG2khzbKazw

Each of the mercs has their symbol on their face, except it has been turned into patterning. They also each have at least one accessory so that they’re easier to distinguish. I wanted all the mercs to be bipedal carnivores, since those would be easiest to position to hold weaponry and be the most likely to be “bloodthirsty mercenaries”. I fully intend to draw the side characters (Saxton Hale, Ms. Pauling, the Administrator, etc.) and make more art of the dino-mercs. You may draw these designs, but credit MUST be given to me, preferably in the form of a link to my account. Do note this is an older piece of art and that in the future Heavy and Engineer will be different colors “canonically” (although I will design swapped colors for all of them in case I ever need to use them) to allow Heavy and Medic/Engineer and Pyro friendships and Scout/Spy rivalry. I will probably use these as blank slates for my own headcanons.

Heavy

Heavy is an allosaurus. I chose an allosaurus since it was big and tough, but it’s arms were long enough that if I twisted them right he could hold Sasha in drawings. Originally, I had planned to do full body references of the dino mercs. I sketched out Heavy, before deciding I hated the body, but loved the face. So, instead of full body references, I went with what you see here. Since his symbol is a fist, I gave him rounded stripes along his crest to look somewhat like the fingers in the fist.

Medic

Medic is a troodon. I went with a troodon due to the fact that they are believed to be one of, if not the smartest dinosaur (from the Mesozoic at least, we all know there’s plenty of intelligent birds today). While not pictured, Archimedes is a dodo, because dodos are actually relatives to pigeons, and doves are also relatives to pigeons. Also I like the trope of “haha dumb thing is smart”. Medics symbol is a medical cross, so I gave him a rectangular cross-like shape on his snout.

Demo

Demoman is a ceratosaurus. There’s actually no real reason for this, I had just asked my friends for help choosing species for certain characters and one suggested ceratosaurus. It played into my favor though, as it allowed me to make it where his eyepatch went around the horns. Demo’s symbol is a bomb, so I gave him a large circular shape on his snout, followed by smaller circles around the horn, looking slightly like a fuse. (Yes, I know, “wrong type of bomb!!” I tried my best ok)

Engie

Engineer is a Utahraptor. This is because of the trope of dromaeosaurids being intelligent (which they are, just not as smart as Jurassic Park makes them). Another thing that made me choose it is because it is believed Utahraptors lived in desert-like conditions, and Texas is basically a giant desert as far as I know. Engineers symbol is a wrench. I found it difficult to do, but eventually I decided to go with reversed semi-circles, like the claw part of a wrench. (I don’t know the word for it)

Sniper

Sniper is an australovenator. There’s really no reason for this other than the fact they come from Australia. Yes, I know sniper is actually from New Zealand. Snipers symbol is a gun’s crosshair, so I gave him stripes going outwards from the tip of his muzzle. I went a bit crazy on the patterning though if I’m honest.

Pyro

While it’s hard to tell under his mask (which was a pain in the ass and still looks stupid) he is a baryonyx. This is because baryonyx lived near water, and I thought it would be funny to make the pyromaniac a water dwelling dinosaur. Only after I finished was I reminded pyroraptor exists. I decided to change him to be a pyroraptor in the future. Since the symbols are on their heads, I decided to make it seem as if pyro painted flames on his mask in his free time.

Soldier

Soldier is the only exception to the carnivore rule. Instead, he is a pachycephalosaurus. I’m sure it’s obvious why I chose that, but in case it isn’t it’s because of their hard, thick skulls. Not only does it look like a helmet, thick headed is an insult that usually means a person is stupid. (In my opinion it’s funny that he still wears a helmet despite the fact his head is basically already one) Soldiers symbol is a rocket. I wasn’t sure how to do this, so I went with a long, scar-like stripe to symbolize the length of the rocket.

Spy

Spy is a coelophysis. This is another one I needed my friends help on. In my opinion it fits since coelophysis were believed to be sneaky in order to catch their prey of lizards, bugs, and other small things they could get their claws on. Since spy’s symbol is a knife, I gave him sharp, jagged stripes on his snout.

Scout

Scout is a velociraptor, due to the trope of them being fast little gremlins. Originally I had planned to make him a gallimimus or some other ornithomimid, but those are often portrayed as cowardly, and I didn’t want to do that. Besides, they also had no teeth, so I couldn’t give him a cocky grin. I struggled with scouts symbol for a while, trying my best to draw a wing/feather-like pattern. I eventually settled on the pattern seen in the drawing, as it looked enough like a wing-tip to me.

Yeah that’s kinda it uh thanks for reading all this

[energonalucard]

A FEM Team of my Own Design (RED Edition)

Usually, I don't like doing this kinda stuff. One: I don't usually share my ideas and I am very nervous. Second: FEM characters are one thing, BUT A WHOLE (TWO) TEAM makes me sweat. The good sweat, but also a nervous sweat. Because I am now sharing a personal part of my brain and my love for woman. Beautiful. Lovely. Yes. 

@medics-secret-shipfic-folder, this is one half of those FEM's I talked about! 

Is this more OC team's then canon gender swap? Yeah, and that's because I don't think that's my endgame here, I didn't make these for a gender bend AU, I made them out of love and from a community of great idea makers. I'd rather make OC's then be another generic half-hearted bending AU maker. <3 <3

Also, this really is just a dumb fact thing as I don't want to give away plot stuff. Fun facts and getting to know them a bit. 

(Yes, I said PLOT) 

═══════❖══════════════❖═══════════

-- RED Team: 

𝗦𝗰𝗼𝘂𝘁: The default FEM Scout you see around. Pony-tail, blonde like normal Scout, Bostonian. Has a bit of dimples but I swear, she'll punch you if you call her cute. 

She/Her. Straight, but an Ally. Or so she says. Nobody believes her.

But something you won't know is how many sisters she has! The answer is four. Four sisters and a single dad back in Boston. While lower on the sibling count then most Scout's she is far more likely to NOT talk your ear off in a large group... but will corner you and chat you a blue streak if your like Sniper or Spy and seclude yourself. Since she has less family to push her to run, she's a slower Scout but she can run ALL day pal. Even Medic needs a break but she keeps going, going, going...

Will beat you with heels/pumps (Spy will have loaned them) if you even offer the idea of her wearing them. Sneakers, pal, are Gods gift to feet.

Right handed, and uses left only to throw a ball or clever. Only. ONLY. 

Once drank Mad Milk. No one saw them for three days. Medic had her strapped to a table. She apparently was found in town on a rooftop at 6 AM after vomiting loud enough for neighbors to notice. She got better, but has amnesia from the incident.

Favorite weapon of all time is the Holy Mackerel, because its freaking hilarious and Spy's are disgusted by it. Also reminds her of her dad only being able to cook fish and roast back home in Boston.

𝗦𝗼𝗹𝗱𝗶𝗲𝗿: Looks like the canonical Soldier, but her hair is similar to the Battle Bob (https://wiki.teamfortress.com/wiki/Battle_Bob) but with no bangs and it barely peaking from her helmet. Blonde, American, and named John Doe respectively. 

She/Her. Bi(romantic/sexual). 

Has a thing for tank tops and will wear them around base when not on duty, because she's a very sweaty person and her clothes suffer (and who ever does laundry as well). This was a compromise. Trust the RED Team on that one (Medic approved).

Helmet 100% of the time though.

Bra comes off = be ready for a fight maggot.

Has more lower body strength, absolutely loves the Manntreads. But don't underestimate her running Original. See her on Battalion? She most likely has Rage ready when she pops out of nowhere.

Has no idea why people tell her walking around naked is weird/distracting/rude or whatnot. She's covered up! In jam (Pyro mourns their jam and preservatives cupboard)!

𝗣𝘆𝗿𝗼: Looks... exactly how a Pyro should. Like a balloon bodied Pyro. Yeah, nothing strange here other then their SASS. Dear heavens.

They/Them. Non-binary.

You've only seen these Pyro's around three or four bases in your entire LIFETIME. This walking bag of fire does not have time for ANY bullshit. Loves doing the windup middle finger when someone does something stupid/rude. Isn't really all that serious as they are made out to be but you get it.

Still loves Balloonicorn and cooking even though they act like any other merc. Has a tea set with crudely melted crayons on its outside.

Wanna get BACK here? BACK into THEIR base? Turn around and head BACK son. Backburner and Thruster Pack predator, all day unless the team suffers.

Covers up Soldier in a towel if she's naked. Sows up Demo's pants if she splits them. Engie loves them when they swing by with anything cinnamon realated. Second most likely to do everyone's laundry.

Arsonist Guardian of the Year Award. 

𝗘𝗻𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗿: Just like Scout, the typical Femgineer model but this time, she's more chubby then her skinny model on Gamebanana. Her overalls like default Engineer helps her self esteem though. Brunette, Texan, and still a shortie. 

She/Her. Bi(romantic/sexual), but leans more towards men.

Ever seen a small volcano of 5'4'' and puffy red cheecks? You've met it, you've angered it. But you ain't staying conscious for long. Not with her weilding a Southern Hospitality just for this occasion.

Has made many comments about making traps and watching unfortunate folk "disappear" from her daddy's old farm. Nobody questions why the cameras in the building have tiny barrels attached to them and a laser sight. 

Has mentioned a husband or at least a male partner once to Sniper. Never elaborated. Never showed a ring or even a smile when talking about him.

Cinnamon and jam enthusiast along with Pyro, and the most flustered when Soldier is covered in it. 

Hair bun is a must unless she ties it flat with pins. Short hair because she don't wanna catch fire. Smells like burnt metal and a dulled oil smell nobody can rinse out of her clothes. Her hardhat is permanently on her head, googles are a go too. Welding smock and overalls in and out of battle.

𝗛𝗲𝗮𝘃𝘆: Like before, like Gamebanana FEM Heavy. Brunette (like two of her sisters), Russian, and actually has scars all across her chest if you can see her shirt peak off-hours.

She/Her. Lesbian (romantically involved with RED Medic). 

You probably think Medic is the one most likely to do laundry since I said Pyro was second right? (I'm not that predictable ;>) Nope, its Heavy. Heavy doesn't like machine washers unless she has to deal with jeans or other thicker fabrics she knows won't dry in under 12 hours correctly (because they fight EVERY day). She washed unmentionables too, and does not make it weird. Until Sniper literally has to answer about why all her underwear is stained yellow, Sniper she just wants you to have nice clean clothes--

You ask Pyro for dinner if you miss a meal or have a diet going on. If Heavy catches anyone not eating, they eat double. Diets? Heavy always grew up with the mentality you ate what you could get, but Heavy is not heartless. Since food types are abundant, she is careful about diets. But she'll still make you eat it double. 

Her girlfriend doesn't eat pork products, so she understands. (Slightly)

Natasha may be her right hand gun but her doctor will always have her heart and soul. Still bought a better bed for Natasha though, but don't tell doctor. 

Once beat a male Scout cause he called her ally Engineer a fatty. Has had to fend off two Scout's from her team's Spy ("Heavy, they had information I needed." / "Intelligence? Bah."). Actually stepped on a drunk Demo's crotch on accident, but did apologise. 

Loves her girlfriends muscles way more then her curves, she has no idea why. But she can appreciation a nice bottom when she sees it. 

Two little sisters, an older brother who's tettering around step-brother, and a mother who's nearly paralyzed from the waist down. But that woman was her light, she did things not many woman do anymore and for that wisdom and learning, Heavy is grateful. Mother also instilled a fear of swatters with a shoe tied to it. Creative, but scary.

𝗗𝗲𝗺𝗼𝗺𝗮𝗻: Actually looks like The Demowoman made based on Drew Wolf's own design, but I think a bit more fuller in the cheeks and chin (more square). Scottish, eyes sharp as a sass lass, and a thick as hell skull.

She/Her. Pan(romantic/sexual).

Once cried in a pile of bras while drunk. Not her own. That's how everyone learned about Spy being... more on that later.

Has a father and mother, but both are leaning so far towards insanity she gave up listening a long time ago. Still doesn't back talk them though, she just pacifies them by dividing her money and saying she has many jobs.

Gains weight like crazy, and its not all the alcohols fault. Food is just very heavy in America and since the team is 1/3 American she feels enlarged everytime a meal based around or for the Americans is brought out. And dear god Heavy, bear goes straight to her muffin top. Spy notices her uncomfortable nature when eating and generally tries to swap out their plates (Spy fussing at the chief before dinner saying she needs X on her plate and not Y, just so Demo can keep her ideal self). (Don't tell Demo, she's too drunk to notice it)

Actually will hug Soldier when naked and be like, "Nothing weird about it". Has actually kissed Spy's hand like you'd do royalty as a joke. Has actually spun Medic around in a circle in a bear hug before. 

She's all for makeup, but really, all she can manage normally and steadily is lipstick. At least she can wipe it away if she wants (can't wipe away the pain of stabbing your only good eye with a mascara brush). 

Nobody touches her hair, never. But she likes doing other's hair. She isn't all that good with cutting or styling or maintaining hair, but playing with hair or just running her hands through it is amazing. The body hair on her legs is shaven and so are her underarms, but her arms and "moustache" that Scout notices are well grown out.

Quickiebomb Launcher Quickiebomb Launcher Quickiebomb Launcher Quickiebomb Launcher Quickiebomb Laun--

Hair always under a beany, nobody sees her hair until much later. She had it all in one wide french braid. Wait, doesn't she normally fail at braids? How did she get that? 

𝗠𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗰: (Okay, this is where similarities in the FEM models stops. To me, I don't really like the FEM Medic model as much as I should for OC's so I'll explain Medic as best I can.) Just like any male Medic counterpart and she has a square-ish chin, with curves almost as boxy as some of her cosmetics. But its a good boxy, she's wide with muscle and shoulders to carry injured teammates. Black hair, German, and the creepiest white teeth you've ever seen.

She/Her. Lesbian (romantically involve with the Heavy). Gay Energy™.

Thicc thighs saves lives. Like, no joke. She is mostly muscles in her legs and torso so everyone assumed she was good at running. Even Scout. Once lifted Demo with ease in her arms and gave Pyro a piggyback ride all at once. It did strain her back and she was slower, but she was fine after dropping Demo in a safer spot to sleep.

Her posture is shit, but she does form corrections regularly, and uses a pillow to cheat the system if she's grumpy enough.

Her teeth. God, her teeth anywhere in blue lighting make weaker mercs a bit dizzy. You've never seen teeth have a blue-green tint like hers, it feels like watching a horror movie permanently set in a blue shaded tint.

Does not eat pork products, and won't elaborate. Will eat beef, but not pork. Maybe she just hates it? Maybe. A diet? Even Heavy shrugs it off now when it happens.

Medic gives the thumbs up for Soldier walking around in tanktops. Naked Soldier is also a thumbs up. All those bras Demo collected once had Medic sorting through them happily. Actually figured out Spy's real cup size. 

Medic has banned Sniper's ace bandage bras. Not in this house, not under her roof. She fits Sniper for personally made bras, Spy bought and tailored. 

Loyal girlfriend. But gayer. Heavy is fine with it, and actually partakes in showing everyone love sometimes too. Since Demo is also affectionate, it can't be too bad.

Push-up queen, but will drop in the dirt in exhaustion afterwards. She only beats Soldier by a few points and mostly runs on spite. 

Has actually stollen all her team's uterus'. What?! She gave them all back later! Just... someone else needed them first. And in a Female vs Female war zone her teammates weren't planning on using them. But they are back now! Well... not all.

Has actually tried to make a Spyper out of an old male Spy and Sniper she used to fight. Both just despawned and targeted her the next day. Sadly. 

BLU Demo's line about shagging Medic's husband always makes her go into a laughing fit. 

Has a ring ready for Heavy, because Heavy is best wife material and loves her dearly.

𝗦𝗻𝗶𝗽𝗲𝗿: (Changed a bit too.) Taller then her Gamebanana model, and god is her face longer and more like regular Sniper. You've heard of laugh lines but the Sniper has frown lines, and the dip in her cheeks has wrinkles from the sun. She has a unibrow growing almost as fast as you can wax it, she leaves it be. So much arm hair. Brunette, Australian (New Zealand), and her hands are big for her size.

She/Her. Bi(romantic), Asexual. 

Never shaves. Never.

She has a mom, a dad, and a big brother. Her brother snipe's as well for RED Team and they have secret mail chains going between them (not so secret, Administrator knows). Her parents don't know she's Bi and after what they said to her brother about him being Trans, she never wanted to figure out. 

Her brother is actually fully transitioned with the help of a Medic who seemed pro-Trans. Of course the doctor waved that off but he had been careful about the procedure enough that they could tell he was a good doctor about all this.

Her brother is the reason she wears ace bandages for bras. So he wouldn't feel bad. She just never STOPPED wearing them after that, and she always reasoned it was because of her broken family and wanting to hold on a little longer. A "little longer" was nearly nineteen years of wearing it to help her brother mentally. Until Medic banned it. Then, she had tailored bras that were strapless but wouldn't fall down. Sometimes goes without the bra onto the battlefield and will tie her shirt off as a makeshift support. She doesn't feel she betrayed him, just... cloth is real itchy sometimes.

Jarate. Isn't... entirely enthusiastic about hygiene outside of basic shower stuff, brushing her teeth, and trimming her nails. Her underwear is clean but since jarate is... yeah, it stains her clothes. Jarate is a lot harder for females to make with how pants work.

Yes, has mooned the enemy Spy before. Not on purpose. Many times. Yes, her pride is shattered every time it happens.

Had long hair upon arrival to this war. She refused to cut it even as her team warned her about what long hair can cause. She changed her mind after the male enemy Spy yanked her around by it and smashed her head in a windowsill. She had her ally Spy cut it after she could stomach letting it be tugged, even for a cut. Spy was gentle, and asked her questions on what she prefers: suits or dresses. 

Suits mate.

(And that BLU Spy was never seen again on the battlefield after a week.)

𝗦𝗽𝘆: (Different from the model ENTIRELY, I really do not like the Spy FEM model at all. But I have grown more warm towards it lately, probably from my BLU team ideas *wink* *wink*) Wears a suit like all other Spy's, and a balaclava as well. Her shoes are as Italian as they come and could take out a man's eye they are so sharp. Blue eyes, sharp chin and nose, and she is NOT a mother.

She/Her. Pan(romantic/sexual)/Polygamous.

Is not the mother to any children at all. She does not need nor want any. Still gets all the men thought. And ladies. 

She actually does not have a uterus at all, she caught wind the doctor had taken something out of her (what Medic doesn't) and didn't want it back. Turns out, she really does not care for the missing body part. Oh well, a Spy's lose is a Medic's fortune.

Has her breasts restricted a bit by a special SpyTech bra that distributes muscle instead of pressing it all against her lungs. She looks like a D cup for her bust size. Is a E cup naturally. Medic drools when she sees the tag on the bra for the first time. Sometimes wears buisness casual around base, without her SpyTech bra and using a normal one for comfort. Attracts Demo and Soldier like flies when she does. 

Cuts and manages everyone's hair. Sniper was her first job, and that was easy. Next was Medic coming in it get a half fade. Next was Soldier to keep her hair barely peaking from the helmet. Demoman was the hardest to convince and she can only touch her hair if she "uses those leather fancy gloves" she always wears at all times while braiding Demo's hair.

That BLU Spy from before? Gutted multiple times over the course of games throughout a week. His score suffered and he was moved to a team of lesser skill. A temporary "fix" to the problem. She still wants to gut him but can't do it outside of work hours as he's employeed to BLU (costing her a contract). But did find him in a seedy city with the mother of his child, and casually reminded him of his deeds out of spite while in disguise. He apologized, but she refused to take it. She wasn't the victim. They parted ways after that and promised to never see each other again. 

Will actually hit Scout on the head. Hand open, palm ready. Right in the back of her head. Stupid American loudmouth...

Likes the Dead Ringer with the stock revolver a lot, and likes being active. Really good at acting like Pyro, its kinda scary. It's probably the sassy movements they mastered.

Third least shameful having no top on. Proven.

Has secret meetings with BLU Spy outside both base ranges. For some reason, even though the ritual of enemy teams Spy's meeting and exchanging whatever they have for whatever they need is long over they both still come out here. Probably to get away from the base and at least smoke in peace, or at least she hopes so.

-- BLU Team... (soon)

[bubbz-i-guess]

This request is so pure <3

————————————————————————

Scout:

Thinks it’s stupid at first

Says he doesn’t want to wear it because it’s gay

Eventually sees how much it means to the other person

Reluctantly wears it at first thinking the others will make fun of him

They do

Grows to like it anyway because it makes the person happy

Soldier:

Everyone thinks he’d reject it because it’s not manly enough

He absolutely loves it

Wears it over his helmet at all times

Even in battle

Claims it represents the bond and strength of their team

Demands that one be made for everyone

Including all the various pets of the base

Pyro:

I cannot express how much he loves it

Gets super excited and squeals a lot

Pulls the person into a bear hug

Grabs their hand and drags them outside so they can return the favor

Has the person sit on the ground and close their eyes while he runs around and looks for flowers

Eventually returns with a very complex crown and give it to them

Demo:

Wakes up after passing out drunk

Finds the crown on his head

Thinks it’s cute

Decides that he probably got it while he was drunk because he can’t remember

Eventually forgets that it’s there until someone points it out

Just laughs and doesn’t take it off

Heavy:

Thinks it’s sweet that they’d give him a gift

Tries to put the crown on

It doesn’t fit his head

Insists that it’s fine and perfect the way it is

Suggests that they go make another when he sees them still feeling guilty

Helps them gather flowers for the new crown

Is actually very careful and delicate as he picks them

Engie:

Has the hugest smile on his face when it’s given to him

Praises the craftsmanship and flower choice

Has allergies but that doesn’t stop him from wearing it

Can barely see as he tries to put up his sentries because his eyes are watering so badly

“Engie, just take it off-“

“NO!”

Medic:

Doesn’t understand at first

Thinks it’s just a pile of trash

Throws it away

Is confused when this makes the person sad

Eventually one of the others tells him what it meant

Digs it out of the trash and puts it on

Goes to the person with a sheepish smile and apologizes

Sniper:

Is very surprised

Touched that someone would make a gift for him

Blushes slightly

Tries to act like he couldn’t care less

Takes it but doesn’t put it on

Hangs it somewhere in his camper

Or on his rifle

Spy:

Makes a big show of being disgusted with it

Claims it doesn’t match his suit and is tacky

Rips it out of the persons hands and stomps on it

Afraid it represents that he’s becoming friends with his teammates which is a big no no for spies

After thinking about it all day he comes back while cloaked and carefully picks it up

Stores it with the rest of his meaningful possessions

Tries to convince himself it means nothing

[botseeksbot]

sorry 4 a lot lol but spy/heavy/sniper/soldier

im just gonna answer all of them here bc bruce repeated the same characters other people sent me but ty everyone who sent one ily

also read more bc i fucking cant shut up

spy 

favorite thing about them

ghfkldjshkj i have a soft spot for trying dads :pensive: also he’s so fucking funny and i love how he talks ?? he’s such a fucking asshole but also he’s like sweet when he needs to be [like to Miss Pauling in the comics and when Scout was dying. also just the whole thing he says to Scout when he thinks hes dying makes me so fucking emo i fucking love one dad]

least favorite thing about them

ok real i like never get angrier playing in game than when im constantly being backstabbed by spies / my shit it getting sapped [but playing engie makes me so aggressive to begin w gfdghlksdhg] . about his actual character though ? uh . IDK REALLY LKJGHLKSJG 

favorite line

god he’s so fucking funny sometimes but really the whole speech he gives to scout in the comics when scout’s dying . also whatever he tells that baby in the smissmas comic is good . thats a dad !

brOTP

i was gonna try to pick out my fave buddies for him but i was really just listing all of the rest of the mercs glkhfdsjk but if i must limit myself Miss Pauling and Scout [his lesbian daughter and gay son]

OTP

SNIPERSPY ! close second is . literally like everyone else except pyro [and obvs anything deplorable]

nOTP

ok ignoring anything deplorable [including Pyro] . uhhh nothing rly . Spy ships are good

random headcanon

his first name is Léon ! and he’s in stealth abt being trans except to Sniper [obvs], Scout, Medic [Medic knows bc hes . the medic], and Heavy . also he learns tht he actually likes doing “dad” stuff with Scout [and Miss Pauling] through doing stupid shit with both of them . he also enjoys singing [and gets drunk during the holidays to sing holiday songs + play the piano] . also he’s half Japanese + wears colored contacts [bc i’ll die the day i give any of the mercs natural blue eyes]

unpopular opinion

UH idk many opinions about Spy bc i try to avoid most fandom spaces [despite running a discord server kjglhl] but i think . most of the time he’s overhyped [along with the other skinny white characters frm tf2] and theres a lot more interesting characters 

song i associate with them

fuck idk man Love by Of Monsters and Men or Killer Queen by Queen

favorite picture of them

im not looking for anything new ths is just what i have saved .

heavy

favorite thing about them

sweet giant russian man . also a bear [thank god] . also i love his family ?? and he’s just a cool dude ?? what’s not to love GOD I LOVE HEAVY

least favorite thing about them

not enough fan content for him :[

favorite line

he doesnt talk much but tht one line where he’s like “in russia, if hand is sick, you cut of hand, etc” tht ones so funny lkfdshlkjh i love heavy 

brOTP

again literally everyone all the mercs are best friends =__=

OTP

BABEY YOU ALREADY KNOW ITS HEAVYMEDIC

nOTP

again nothing weird [Scout or Pyro and obviously Miss Pauling]

random headcanon

autistic legend . he’s really bad at reading the room / people’s feelings and he feels bad about it sometimes . really bad at displaying emotions too . also in stealth about being trans [only out to Medic and Spy] . he smokes with Spy when he’s stressed and doesn’t drink that often . also one of the neater mercs [he was the oldest sibling !!] and had one of the cleanest rooms on base .

unpopular opinion

heavy is NOT just Medic’s bear boyfriend PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD give him more solo content @ the fandom . also he’s trans and theres like no art of it even tho he’s like . trans man legend.

song i associate with them

lemon boy - cavetown  .  shrug .

favorite picture of them

idk HOW i dont have ANY pics saved of Heavy besides pride icons but here you go 

sniper

favorite thing about them

stinky australian man . he has such creepy voice lines lgkjlkj . what is not to love  ? also sexy . 

least favorite thing about them

stinky . and creepy voice lines gkldhlkjds NO i love sniper sm again what is there not to love

favorite line

god his voice lines are so fucking good . all of them .

brOTP

SNIPER SCOUT BABY ! but really him w the rest of the mercs is good

OTP

SNIPERSPY . but again everyone else is good too . DemoSniper ?? very good .

nOTP

SPEEDINGBULLET . ITS SO FUCKING POPULAR TOO I WANNA DIE

random headcanon

he likes walking around a lot !! cant sit still very well . always smells like the outdoors [though not always in the best way .] can sleep almost anywhere . also not really good at picking up social cues but can wing it . cant socialize for very long periods of time without getting tired . really affectionate to people who know him . can catch any animal with his bare hands . sunglasses make it harder to see [esp in the base] but he wont admit it . really self reliant . has a lot of weird talents he just picked up while he was growing up . also he’s maori bc fuck canon .

unpopular opinion

THAT MAN IS NOT 30 YEARS OLD AND ALSO SPEEDINGBULLET IS SHIT . also like i said abt spy overhyped bc he’s white twink .

song i associate with them

UH vagabonds - misterwives or the wanderer - dion dimucci or rose colored boy - paramore 

favorite picture of them

idk if i have it saved but theres that one sexy panel frm the comic

i just have ths edit but u get it . sexy .

soldier

favorite thing about them

STUPID RACCOON MAN !!!! he’s so fucking funny and i love him so much he’s so sweet .

least favorite thing about them

UH not popular enough and some of his voice lines are dumb

favorite line

literally everything Soldier says is comedy gold esp the comics w Merasmus  

brOTP

again literally anyone

OTP

DEMOSOLDIER !! and also his 2nd boyfriend is Merasmus . soldier has two hands

nOTP

soldier/engie makes me wanna die 

random headcanon

he’s really as dumb as rocks but has a heart of gold . he’s smart in where it counts [THE HEART] . he likes helping people even if he fucks up . he collects different things but eventually gets bored of it and moves onto something else . kinda shy about his appearance ?? hence the helmet . one of the more outspoken mercs, he’s not afraid to speak up if someone needs him to . doesnt understand any of Medic/Engie/Demo’s inventions/work but he admires them for it anyway . a beacon of joy for the base . they all love soldier even if he gets violent accidentally 

unpopular opinion

HELMETPARTY IS NOT GOOD . idk much else about what the fanbase thinks of him

song i associate with them

god im running out of songs frm character playlists i made months ago tht arent tf2 related at all but We All Die Young - The Decemberists or Buzzcut Season - Lorde

favorite picture of them

HE HAS SUCH A GOOD SMILE

pyro - bruce sent me another ask w pyro on it but im lazy so im doing it here

favorite thing about them

LITTLE ARSON BABY !!!! I LOVE PYRO SO MUCH

least favorite thing about them

??????????? idk people hate pyro a lot for gameplay reasons but i could never be angry :]

favorite line

all of pyro’s lines are good esp the ones where it has multiple interpretations 

brOTP

ENGIE !! THATS HIS DAD !! also Scout . and really the rest of the mercs

OTP

none . 

nOTP

really anything except ig Scout . engiepyro ? exceptionally bad imo

random headcanon

the youngest of the mercs !! self conscious about his appearance . looks up to Spy bc MASK BUDDIES . gnc nb trans man [he/they pronouns] . sees engie as a dad figure and uses the muffledness of his speech to call him “dad” sometimes >:] !!  really affectionate . doesnt have many talents besides setting things on fire but willing to learn any . hates talking about his past . has the worst sleep schedule out of the mercs [medic being a close 2nd] . speaking of medic, medic is the only one who knows what he looks like [secret buddies !!] . also calls spy “dad” sometimes .

unpopular opinion

im so fucking sorry i dont know how to play pyro besides wm1 but also i really dont give a shit if other people do it . let people play however they want . 

song i associate with them

little pistol - mother mother / machine - misterwives / lost boy - ruth b 

favorite picture of them

[lykanthropa]

April, April!

Chapter 2: Revenge á la Medic

April Fools' Day – one year later

Scout looks at his list with all the pranks he wants to play on his team today. Well, wanted to play. But he cannot. Because none of the team can be found. All are gone. For no reason! And that for days. He's all alone in the base, and if he's honest, it's a bit scary. Especially at night... He lies in bed like a pancake. He had never noticed what eerie noises were heard at night in the base. A knock, almost rhythmic. A howl as if the wind were blowing through the base (but there were no doors or windows open! Scout had checked to be sure, well, just to make sure nothing came in - like a monster... or something...). Then there were footsteps in the corridor, who came closer and had stopped at his door. Jeremy had been holding his breath, listening. But the steps were no longer heard. Did someone or something stand at his door all night? He couldn't sleep anymore. He kept sight of his bedroom door all night. Only when the sun finally rose and filled his room with brightness, he had the courage to stand up and look. Of course, only with his baseball bat. That one should have been there, but the corridor was empty. Last night, he heard no footsteps, but a scream... At least Scout thinks he heard a scream. And the voice sounded exactly like Snipes'. But it was too far away and could only be heard briefly. But he must have imagined that. As well as the steps, the knock and the howling of the wind. Because he remembered something that Medic had once said. The human mind is highly complex and fear is irr… national? Never mind! Somehow he had said something like that. And now Jeremy is sitting here, on the sofa in the common room staring at his list. A list, with ingenious pranks that he had worked out cleanly over the year. He put the names of everyone on the list and what he wanted to do with them (Pyro he had crossed out). But no victims, no pranks.

With a sigh, Scout leans back and remembers last year. After Sniper's shits he had searched for Jeremy and always had his machete at the ready. Apparently he really wanted to fillet him. But Scout was just too fast for him. Well, maybe Scout would be also pissed off when, after such an incident, he no longer had a natural relationship with a toilet. Pfft! Toilet. Yeah. Snipes is an outdoorsman. Nature is his toilet. So why the fuss?

Spy had ignored him for days. Had always wrinkled his nose when Scout had entered the room. He knew he was waiting for an apology. He had always said sorry. But apparently that was not enough. This guy really thinks he's something better. What does his mother just see in him?

Demoman. In a brief moment of carelessness, Jeremy got caught by him (it's not always easy to guard against eight people at the same time). And before he knew it, he was naked from the waist down and lies over Demos knee. Never before had someone spanked his ass. And it had hurt. After the spanking Jeremy had rubbed his sore bottom and huffy made Demoman the accusation that he probably likes to spank children. But Tavish had just answered that Jeremy's puppy license had long ago expired. Sober Demo is a stuffy old man and boring. Just like everyone else.

Soldier returned safely to the base. But only days later, without Engie's truck and with a different look. Merasmus was probably so angry about his intrusion into his territory and the accusations that he had turned him into a raccoon (when Scout saw him for the first time, he inevitably had to think of the run over raccoon he found on the street - was that maybe a soldier, too?). Everyone had tried to change him back (except for Engie, who had not spoken to Soldier for weeks), but Solly didn't seem to mind his new life as a raccoon. He even seemed quite unconcerned. Nevertheless, he insisted on putting on his beloved helmet. And Jeremy had actually believed that the glue in the helmet had long since dried. As if. Everyone had to help pull the helmet off his head, tearing his fur hair off. They literally had flay him alive (his screams had been heard throughout the base). With his bald head Soldier had no desire to be a raccoon anymore and he had no choice but to be healed by the respawn. Since then, Soldier carried his whip around with him, banging on Scout's bottom with it whenever he crossed his path (not least because Jeremy had fumbled around with his maggot farm). A Disciplinary Action, as he always said. And Scout believes that the whip even bears this name.

Pyro... was as usual. Three April Fools' jokes and the guy had not checked that he was fooled. But on the contrary. Scout felt more fooled by Pyro.

Engineer was angry with Scout, too. But he was even more angry at Soldier. He had explained him why he had taken his truck, but the Texan didn't want to hear about it. He and Sniper drove the van to search for the truck and found him in Ghost Fort, where a small, stubborn ghost with a gibus hat had settled down on the back load. Even after Engineer had to take a shower three times a day to wash off the black paint and not be able to wear his helmet for a while, due to the thick bump (Engineer the prettiest unicorn), he had forgiven Scout relatively quickly. Engie is not resentful.

Just like Heavy. He couldn't eat a sandwich for a while, but he didn't blame Scout for too long. But he will never make a sandwich himself again. He had asked Medic to keep the sandwiches for Heavy separately. The Russian is probably afraid that Scout could steal the sandwich from him again, but Jeremy never plays the same pranks. For example, this year he wanted to notch the legs of his bed. Jeremy wanted to know if, when the bed breaks away under his big butt, Heavy crashes through the floor. He has so much fat on his ribs, he probably wouldn't notice the impact.

And Medic... Medic surprised him the most. Or rather made him unsure. After his reaction to Scout's prank, the runner had thought he would quarter him with his saw. But quite the contrary. The next day Medic was as usual. As if nothing had happened at all. Of course Scout had kept away from him anyway. Because maybe he only wanted to lull him into a false sense of security to catch him when he least expected it. But nothing happened. Maybe the Doc is suffering from Alzheimer's? This glance… Jeremy hadn't forgotten his look. So hateful. Scout almost wet his pants. The old man can sometimes be so scary. “Maybe I should also delete Medic from the list…” Despite the April Fools' Day, there are still rules. Jeremy had learned that now. Never lay hands on the sanctuaries of the others.

Medic – Doves Heavy – Sasha/Sandwich Demoman – Alcohol Soldier – Maggots/ Helmets Spy – Suit/Cigarettes Sniper – Van/ Coffee Cup (Scout had actually glue the cup together, but had Mundy thanked for that? No. He's such so ungrateful…) Engineer – Truck/Toolbox/Toys Pyro - ???

There is not much left for pranks. But Jeremy is not for nothing the master of pranks. But if there is no one to be kidding, it makes no sense. And on top of that, the camera is gone. He had spent half a year looking for it. But it just disappeared. He cannot remember where he left it. “Everything's shit...”

The silence rolls over the boy. Again. He cannot stand it anymore. Of course he can make noise for 9, but if all except him is gone, then he just don't feel like it. He feels pretty bad. Jeremy dread to think when he must spend a whole night in this big base all alone again. Where are all of them? Almost be out of his mind, he jumps up and screams. “Damn it, guys! Wheerreee aaaarrrreee yoooooouuuuuu!!??” But stop! Scout suddenly has a thought. What if the team wants to play a trick on him? After all, today is the April Fools' Day. However, they had never done that before. And why they spend days hiding from him? It doesn't make any sense anyway... But suppose they really want to play a trick on him, then Jeremy will go in search of them to forestall them. “You won't get me, old farts.”

Scout stuffs the list in his pocket and storms out of the common room. When he runs around the corner, he bumps into someone. “What the…?” After Scout had recovered from the shock, he recognizes the person standing in front of him. “Doc? Where the heck were you?” Medic doesn't answer, breathing hard instead. He has to lean against the wall to hold himself. Only then does Jeremy realize that he is carrying blood on his clothes. And his head seems to be wounded. “What happened?!” “Scout… Finally I found you…” Medic falls down on his knees. “You have to help me. The others…” “What? What is with the others? What happened?” Scout kneels down to Medic, looks at him worriedly. “They are badly injured… You have to help me to take care of them… otherwise they will die…” “Yes! Yes, of course I will help! Come!” Scout helps Medic to get up and together they go down the corridor. He has to help the doctor while walking. He limps while walking. “Now tell me what happened.” “I wanted… to work on an experiment... And for that, I needed the help of others. But something went wrong...” “Why didn’t you ask me if I help?” “For the simple reason that you never take my work seriously.” “…………” “There was an explosion… The ceiling collapsed and the others were buried under the rubble. The exit was also blocked. It took me days to get out of this room…” “You were locked up and I didn't know... Why didn't I hear the explosion?” “To experiment, I use the basement room. As you know, this is soundproof.” “And the others...?” “They are… badly injured… If we do not hurry, they will die.” “Wait a sec! That’s not too bad, isn’t it? I mean, we have the respawn.” “The machine has been damaged by the explosion and... has failed.” “W-what's that supposed to mean failed?” “When we die, we cannot be brought back.” After Medic said that, it rattled in Scout's head. And then he stops, looks at Medic skeptically. “Is this…a joke? I mean, today is April Fools' Day and…” “Do you have only your stupid jokes in mind?” Medic suddenly yells at him. He looks at him with exactly the same angry look as a year ago. Scout almost jumps out of his skin. He hadn't expected such an outburst. “Finally grow up! Lives are at stake! In addition, you should finally understand that we do not stoop to your childlike level!” “…………” “Gut. If you do not want to help me, I will save them alone. But I already tell you that it will be difficult for you in the future with the knowledge of having human lives on your conscience. People with whom you spent years and who was your second family.” “Okay, okay. I'm so sorry. You are right.” Scout catches up with Medic and helps him walk. “Listen, Doc… Last year with your dove… It was really just a prank.” Medic sighs beaten. “I'm not resentful, Scout. And now listen carefully, so that we can finally check off this topic. You have acted in your childish levity. As so often. You will be grown up.” “…………” “But not in this life anymore…” “What?” “I did not say anything. Come on, we have to hurry.” “Y-yes, okay!”

They reach the basement. The entrance is located in the rear part of the base. A scary place and quite lonely. Had Scout perhaps not imagined Sniper's scream? Maybe he was buried by the collapsing ceiling just then. But the basement is soundproof… I don’t understand anything. “Come on, Scout! Go inside and pull them out from under the rubble. I can not do that with my injuries.” “Leave it to me!” Scout storms into the basement. He's so obsessed by the thought with saving his people that he doesn't notice that there are no pieces of debris at all. And no injured team members. Everything is as usual. Perplexed, Jeremy stops and looks around in confusion. He needs a moment to check that something is wrong with Medics story. “Hey… There is nothing here – Aaahhh!” Suddenly Medic stands behind him and a syringe is in his arm. He only sees how a white liquid disappears under his skin, before he breaks free from him. With scared eyes Scout moves away from Medic, who gives him a wide, eerie smile. “Doc…?!” The boy is completely taken by surprise. “You are really a good boy, Scout. Childish and cheeky, but if we really need your help, we can count on you.” “Where… where are the others?” “Do not worry. You will be able to see them one last time.” “What… what have you…?” The strengths disappear from Scout's legs and he falls down to his knees. “Is that a joke?” he screams desperately. “A joke? Does it feel like a joke? Does it looks like a joke?” Medic kneels down to Scout. No sign of a limp anymore. “How many times do I have to tell you that I never make jokes.” “…………” Jeremy doesn't know what to answer. There is no time for that anyway, because the world becomes black.

When Scout wakes up, the first thing he sees is a white ceiling, and the first thing he hears, cooing doves. The infirmary. Medic’s infirmary. Instinctively, Jeremy tries to sit up, but his body doesn't want to obey him. He cannot even move his head. The disobedience of his body washes away the last remnant of sleep drunkenness in one fell swoop. He's so panicked that he doesn't notice that a scream escapes from his mouth. He remembers. Medic had lured him into a trap and then drugged him. For a brief moment, just a moment, Scout hopes that it's just a joke from Medic. A ribald joke. That would suit to a crazy doctor like the doc. But before he fainted, he had assured him that it was no joke, that he never makes jokes. And the runner believes him. The heart beats painfully against his chest. It doesn't even do that after a day of racing. It pumps so hard that Jeremy can clearly feel the thickened veins on the back of his hand and his forehead. But he also feels something else. Solid straps that span his torso and legs. He's breathing heavily in and out. Stay cool. Stay cool. It doesn't matter what Medic is up to. It will not be too bad. We are a team. And even if he should… kill me. We have the respawn. Maybe that's just his way of spanking my ass, giving me a lesson. Yes… Yes, that must be it. Scout is reluctant to admit that he's doubting his own thoughts.

“Hallo!” “Aaahh!” Suddenly, Medic stands over him and smiles good-humouredly. “You woke up on time. Very good.” “D-doc?! What is that?” “Do not shout like that. You scare my babies.” “I can’t move!” “Of course. I injected you with a paralyzing drug, so you do not fidget.” “What?!?” “You are paralyzed from head to toe. Permanently.” “What do you…mean?” “You will never be able to move again.” The blue eyes with the frightened look are moving panicking in their caves back and forth. “Do not worry. You can also feel no pain. Promised.” “What are you planning with me?” Medic crosses his arms and leans casually against the operating table Scout is lying on. “Well, I have decided to take a close look at your brain. And I do not mean that I will X-ray your head. Hehehe…” Medic pulls out his bone saw and holds it in front of his face to view the sharp teeth. “You sick bastard!” “As I said before - lower your voice. I know you are scared. Or do you want to gainsay that?” “What do you want with my…?” Scout can hardly pronounce it. “Well, after what you did last year, I became curious as to whether your brain has normal size. Because all the stupid things you do every day can not fit in there. Unless everything else is missing.” “You do this all… because of this little prank? It was just a joke! Just a joke, just a joke, just a joke!! It's not my fault that you cannot handle it!” Angrily, Medic slams his hands on the table to the right and left of Scout's head and bends down to the boy, his face wrinkled with anger. “You still do not seem to understand it! What was just fun for you, was pure horror for me! I did not even get an apology from you! Nobody - nobody! - lays hands on my börds!” The doves flutter violently with their wings as Medic's loud voice echoes through the room. Feathers sail through the air. “You played a trick on the wrong guy.” The German stands up again. “And you still have not learned your lesson.” He takes out a piece of paper. “I found that in your pocket. A nice little list of pranks that you wanted to play on us again this year. Oh, this time you wanted to replace Demoman's eye patch with a cork, replace Heavy's weights with stuffed animals, and paint Engineers Sentry in the opposing team color. And what else do I have to see? Even my name is on it.” “I-I wanted to cross it out! For real!” “Hmm… If that is really true, maybe you have learned something. It is just a pity that it is too late now. To be honest, I do not really care if you play jokes on the others. They are always lenient with you anyway. These fools...” “What do you mean by that?” Medic crumples the note and drops it to the ground. Then he bends back down to Scout. “You wanted to see them, did not you?” Scout doesn't answer. He has a bad feeling in his stomach when Medic said that. “Do not worry. I fasten you, so you do not slip down.” “W-what?” Medic grabs the operating table and turns it diagonally to a sharp angle. Jeremy's stomach tingles as he moves, and in fact he fears he'll fall. But the straps actually hold him. But he wished they wouldn't do it, as he sees the rest of the team. The world crashes over Scout. His eyes see the horror, but the mind hangs. They are on the other side of the room. Dead. Every single one of them. Blood everywhere. Demoman's body sits on the floor, leaning against the wall. The head hangs over. The skullcap is missing and thus gives a good view of the brain. Pyro is sitting next to him. Where once his mask was, there is now a skeletonized skull. Sniper hangs upside down on the wall, his stomach is cut open and parts of his innards hang out and lie partially on the ground beneath him. His dead, cold eyes seem to be staring at Scout. Engineer’s and Soldier’s torso were nailed to the wall, their lower abdomen is missing. They were sewn together on the sides. Their blood had left a dark trail on the white wall on the way down. And just a little further on a shelf, the heads of Spy and Heavy were placed. Underneath are their bodies. Scouts mouth and eyes are wide open. No sound escapes from his throat. “Well, what do you say? Beautiful, right?” “You…killed them…” whispers Jeremy, filled with sheer horror. “Obviously.” “Respawn…” Scout cannot even complete a sentence anymore. “What? Oh! The respawn? I had said that the respawn machine had been damaged by an explosion. Ha! That you really believed that” laughs Medic. “Of course I manipulated the machine. They will never come back. Not even if the machine is reset.” “Aaaaaahhhhhhrrggggghhh! Why? Why did you do that, you sick bastard! They didn’t harm you!” “...they did not harm me, no. But before I explain it, let us watch a short movie.” Medic turns the operating table to the left. On the wall hangs a canvas. The doctor pushes the prepared projector out of the corner and positions it next to Scout. “What's that supposed to be?” Scout has a hoarse voice. “You will see.” The projector is turned on and a moment later it throws pictures to the canvas. Sniper is seen, drinking from his coffee cup. A little later it shatters in his hand and the contents spill over his legs. “You still know that, do you?” Of course Scout knows this scene. “You had the camera all the time?” “Of course. You left it in my infirmary. Actually, I wanted to delete the recordings. But I decided to show it to the others. I wanted to make them understand that they can not just let you get away with it. But do you know what they said? You are still a child. A big kid and you will grow up someday. We just have to be patient with you. All this they said, after seeing once again with their own eyes how you humbled them. For the third time. All year long, I've spent convincing them to keep a tighter rein on you. But they always said the same thing, remained stubborn. And the today's April Fools' Day was getting closer. So I made a decision.” While Scout stares at the canvas, Medic leans over him, whispering in his ear. “They are dead because of you, Scout. It is your fault.” “No…” “Yes~” “You…killed them…for that…” “I was angry with them and I could not allow them to get in my way when I take care of you.” “The administrator will find out!” “Of course I will hardly be able to hide it. But I have already come up with a pretty story. I will just say we were attacked by the BLUs. Middle of the night. Quite simple. And why should not she believe me? There are many mercenaries who violate the contract. And the BLUs really hate us. And I... I hate the BLUs and you all. I really hope that my new team will be made up of people who will not stab me in the back and who respect my work. God, how I hated all of you.” “B-but we had always got along well.” “I just played it to you. You really ought to know how well I can do that. All year long, I had a tremendous anger in my stomach because of your stupid prank, but I pretended that nothing had ever happened between us. You never meant anything to me.” “…………” On the canvas, Engineer is seen, spilled with the black paint and how his tools dropping on his exposed head. Medic shakes his head. “Scout, Scout, Scout. You was not thinking anything of it, did you?” “…………” “Now when you see that all, do you realize that you have made a mistake?” Jeremy doesn't answer. But Medic hadn't expected an answer anyway. He turns off the projector before he's seen on the film. He moves the operating table back to its original position. “It is time now.” “Doc… please…” “I'm sorry, my boy. But it is too late.” Medic picks up his bone saw. He pauses and looks down at Scout. “When was the last time you tell your mother that you love her?” And then it breaks out of Scout. Big tears trickle down his cheeks. A sob escapes his trembling lips. “I hope you take this experience with you to make it better in the next life. I will start now. I will extract your brain. As I said, you will not feel any pain. I took care of that. After all, I am not a monster... When your brain is removed, your personality is erased and everything that makes you the person you are. You will die. Your heart, however, will continue to beat and all other organs remain a little active, which are not dependent on the brain. Do not worry. I will stay with you until it is over.” Scout doesn't answer anymore. With burning, watery eyes he stares at the ceiling. Medic opens the straps and gives him an injection. “Just for safety.” But it is as if Scout is not there. He lies there, waiting for his end while thinking of his Ma. “Here we go. And do not forget what I have told you before. Fear is irrational.” He doesn't know if Medic had already started sawing his skull. He does move his head, but he doesn't feel pain. Is it really happening right now?  Will his head just opened?

An unusual calm overcomes the runner all of a sudden. And he's happy about it. The thought of his head being hollowed out alive like a pumpkin robs his mind. But... he cannot change it. He cannot change his situation and he cannot change that the whole team is dead. That was his second family. He feels betrayed and deceived by Medic. But the worst part is that he actually blames himself for everything. Something thick runs down his forehead between his eyes. It will not be either water nor sweat. Soon he will only be a shadow of himself. It's time to come to terms with himself. Maybe... I really deserve that... I'm sorry, guys! And Ma... I love you, Ma! I don't know if I was always the son you could be proud of. But if I had the chance to go on living, I would hug you. I would always hug you and tell you how much I love you! I would help you in the household and buy you flowers regularly and... and... for you I would get along with Spy! Sometimes I thought you love him more than me, but it was wrong to think that. I'm so sorry! “Ahah ... ahahahahahahahaaaaaahh! There it is! There it is! Oh my God! It is really small. Ahahahahahaaaa! Take a look, Scout!” Medic stands over him, holding the bloody, slimy organ in his face. “Just look how small it is. Hmm... maybe you really was not your fault for your immature behavior. Oh, how cute~ Archimedes is just settling in your skull right now. I think I'll keep your head so he can nest in it. He seems to feel very comfortable in it.” “Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!” For Jeremy it seems like a dream when he jumps off the operating table and takes refuge in a corner, at the same time packed with pure horror. He stands with the wall in his back and stares at Medic. When he sees him standing there with his brain in his hands, his shaky hands shoot up and scrabble over his head wildly. Everything still seems to be there. Scout is terribly confused. “What the hell…? What the hell!!?” Laughing softly, Medic leans over the operating table. “Let me tell you something, Scout.” Jeremy holds his breath. “April fool.” He's not sure if he had heard correctly. Therefore, he doesn't answer, continues staring at the Doc. Is this all maybe just imagination? Is he dreaming? But how is it supposed to work without a brain? “What? You do not believe me? Well, maybe you believe them more.” Medic points to the dead team members who suddenly come to life. “April fool!” Scouts throat escapes a squeal. Medic can no longer hold back and laughs at the top of his voice. With horror, Jeremy watches as Demoman and Pyro pull off their masks, Engineer and Soldier emerge from behind a small canvas that hid their abdomen, painted like the wall of the infirmary. Spy and Heavy had also stood behind the same screen. Their supposed bodies were just headless puppets falling lifeless as the two emerge from behind the canvas. And of course Sniper comes to life too. He frees himself from the wrong organs, but he cannot free himself from the rope. “Can somebody help me? I cannot feel my legs anymore. I think the whole blood ran into my head.” Very slowly Scout turns his head back to Medic. He is already convulsed with laughter. “Um… Doc? Scout wets his pants.” Medic stops. And indeed. Jeremy is very wet between his legs. Just like his face, when the tears run down his cheeks. “„……….ahahahahahahahaha!!!” Medic cannot hold himself anymore and rolls on the floor laughing. Jeremy can finally free himself from his rigidity and flees without a word from the infirmary. Except for Medic, the entire team seems to be plagued by remorse. “I think we gone too far…” “Did you see the boy? I've never seen Scout cry. I feel really bad.” “What is wrong with you? He needed this lesson.” Medic straightens up and wipes the tears from his eyes. “Besides, it was just a joke.” “A pretty tough joke…” “You knew what you were getting into.” The team members looks at each other. “Yes, of course. But we didn't think he would react that way.” “What did you actually injected him?” “A remedy for his paralysis.” “He was really paralyzed?!” “Of course. What do you think why he did not move?” “We thought because he was terrified.” “The brain looked really real. How did you do that, Doc?” “What do you mean? The brain IS real.” The others look startled. “What did you think? By the way, the organs were real too.” Sniper makes a disgusted face and wipes the blood off his clothes. But he just distributes it only more. “Where did you…?” “From a baboon. I do not just use the heart.” “That means the blood is no fake blood?” “Of course not.” “…………” “Oh please. Do not be pathetic.” “I'm better going now. Have still a lot to do.” “Me too.” Everybody leaves (slightly disturbed) the infirmary. Medic stays alone. Sighing, he sits down at his desk. Archimedes sits on the table in front of him. “They are so fussy, right? That was just a joke. Well, at least I can now be sure that Scout will no longer plays stupid pranks on me.” “Coo~” “What? You would like to nest in a skull? I gave you an idea, huh?” “Coo~” “Na ja, let's see what can be done.” Medic strokes Archimedes little head.

One year later:

It's late evening when Medic leaves his infirmary and makes his way to the kitchen. He had not eaten all day yet. He had not thought until his stomach began to growl so loud that it reminded him that he must eat as well. Apart from this, that would have disturbed only the work. A small soup should be enough. The base seems like abandoned. The others must already be in bed. When Medic enters the kitchen, a bowl of semolina pudding stands on the dining table. Next to it a note. “Hmm?” Doctor has not eaten all day. Heavy made semolina pudding for doctor. Please eat up. “Heavy…” He sighs. Actually, Medic doesn't like sweet meals, but today he will make an exception. First, he doesn't have to cook anything himself, and second, Heavy has taken the trouble to cook him something. It's really nice that he had thought about him. He will return the favor. A spoon is already ready. It stucks in the semolina pudding. So Medic sits down, pulls out the spoon and – Splat! Just now on the table, now in the face. The bowl flew from the table in the moment as soon as he had moved the spoon. It slips off his face and falls to the floor with a clank. The semolina pudding, however, remains stick. Medic was frozen in his motion, trying to explain what had happened. Does the bowl have a life of its own? Is it damned? Is Merasmus behind it? Hardly likely…

“April fool!” Scout jumps out of his hiding, laughing at Medic's misery. And that's not all. The rest of the team is suddenly in the kitchen, laughing at him. Everyone, in their own way. Spy on the quiet, Soldier and Demo loud. Engineer and Heavy smile almost apologetically. And Pyro comes close to him and takes a closer look at Medic's semolina pudding face. “Although I had hoped that you would finally learn your lesson, I should have seen it coming…” “Aww! C’mon, Doc!” Heavy hands Medic a cloth. “I am sorry, doctor.” “Yes… I know, Heavy.” Hadn't the note been from Heavy, Medic might have become suspicious. Scout has learned. Unfortunately not what he should actually. He wiped the semolina pudding from his face with the cloth. Then he notices the spring on the spot where the bowl had stood. It must have been so taut that it's triggered when you move the spoon. Not that bad. “Okay, you got me and laughed at your doctor, who cares about you every day! Now you can go to sleep.” Medic wants to get up, but his team stops him. “Wait, wait, wait! Doc, I have something to tell you!” Medic is surprised at Scout's words and remains seated, arms crossed over his chest. “Well, I am curious about that.” “It’s about… last year. You really scared me to death and in the first few days I was pretty disturbed, y'know?” “…………” “He cried a lot.” “That's a lie! Shut up, cyclops!” Scout sits down on the opposite side of the table. He looks as carefree and cheeky as ever. And Medic is happy about it. Because for him that was really just a joke back then. But maybe it was really a bit too much. The boy is quite sensitive, even if Scout doesn't admit that. “Well, I was very depressed, but the old guys spoke to me a lot. And uh... Well, I finally realized that you are not responsible for your madness.” “………wat?” “Yeah! You are crazy, loopy, just insane!” “…………” “That's why I forgive you.” “…aha. Nice that you have realized that. And I thought, I must also justify myself for saying that I hate you all.” “Of course we know that you don’t hate us.” “And now for sure” Soldier says. Demo gives him a bump in the side. “I really hoped you would know that. I am neither a traitor nor a mindless killer who kills anyone who get smart with him. You are my only family. I... love you... if you want that way.” “Aww! We love you too, Doc.” “Huddah!” Suddenly, Pyro hugs Medic and the rest of the team imitate him. Except for Scout. “Sorry, I don't like group cuddling. That's too gay for me. Anyway... what I really wanted to say is that I will never play a trick on you again.” “Ach was? So my little prank did not failed to have the desired effect?” “No no no! I took it like a man.” “Yes, with pissed pants.” “Go and hug a kangaroo, Blinky Bill! Where was I? Oh yes. I'm not going to play any pranks on you anymore because I've finally realized that you're just humorless old bags. It's a waste of effort to play my premium pranks on you. You don't appreciate them anyway. Either you yell at me, spank me, or the dark side of your soul comes out. No. I have much better things to do.” “I always thought that's exactly what you always loved so much about it?” “Pfft! Naw! I was just bored. At least that was my last joke and so I say goodbye.” Scout bows conspicuously and leaves the kitchen whistling. “…you taught him the meaning of fear properly, Doc.” “Seems to be.  But as the saying goes -  The leopard cannot change his spots. Let us just wait for the next April Fools' Day. Then we will see how seriously he took his own words.” The team members looks at each other and breaks out into laughter. “Scout, the paragon? Not in a thousand years!” “Children love to play pranks and the elders to put them over their knees.” “Maybe we should now and then have fun with Scout. He has been begging for years.” “Agreed. Everyone comes up with something and next year we'll play a trick on Scout. Again. But this time something what doesn't make him cry. We all want to have our fun. Isn't it, Docteur?” “I do not know what you mean. I had my fun.”

After leaving the kitchen, Scout took a stand in the corridor to overhear the team. He was just curious about their reaction. After what he said in there, he was sure they would talk about it. And they did. What they said made his heart leap. They really wanted to play a trick on him! They did that out of pity, but Jeremy don't care about the reason. Maybe the old bags are not that boring. He laughs softly. “Yes! Yes!!” Energized, Scout sneaks into his room to go to sleep. But he knows he will not sleep. Not with this thrill of anticipation in his stomach. Nevertheless, he closes his eyes after checking that the apple is in its place on the nightstand.

[lykanthropa]

4th of July

Summary:

It is the 4th of July. The Independence Day of America. And as a die-hard American patriot, it's important to Soldier that everyone on the team who is not American does not feel deferred on that day, so he'll include them on this holiday. Like every year. But this time, Medic, Heavy and the others fight back. Soldier does not understand why. He only meant well after all.

Be an American! It's just once a year after all, maggots!

Medic saunters comfortably through the old town of his beautiful Rottenburg. The sun is shining and the people are greeting him kindly on his way. His snow-white doves roam the bright blue sky with their elegant flying skills and look completely carefree. An indeed life-affirming sight. Just a wonderful day today. Just like yesterday and the day before yesterday and all the days before that. Medic draws the clean air deep into his lungs and exhales very slowly. Could something make this day even better?

“Good day, sir.” Suddenly, Medic is approached by a strange man with a distinctive accent. “I wish you a good day too” he answers. “How about a new haircut, sir?” “Hmm?” “Forgive me. I'll introduce myself. My name is Doe and I am the new hairdresser of this small, tranquil town.” Just now does Ludwig notice the shield behind the man who calls himself Doe. A small beechwood sign hangs above the entrance to a small, unassuming barbershop with gilded hinges. The salon for the Germans of yesterday - is written on it with white brush paint. A very strange name… “Oh, a barber. I'm really pleased. But I don't need a haircut. I'm completely satisfied with my hair.” “The visit of the first customer is for free. I don't just cut hair, I dye it too.” “Well, in fact, I have the feeling that the black of my hair has faded slightly. Do you have ebony black?” “Of course, sir. I keep every kind of black.” “Agreed! Then I'm your first customer.” “Please come in.” The day CAN be even better!

Even from inside the shop is small and inconspicuous, but it radiates a certain coziness. “Please take a seat here.” Doe positions himself behind a barber chair with a wide back and a black leather cover. It's one of those fashionable, height-adjustable chairs with foot-supported and thick, comfortable armrests. Truly the jewel of the hairdressing salon. On the wall in front of it is a large mirror with gold decorations on the corners. Ludwig gladly takes a seat. The feeling of sitting in it is wonderful! “Please lean in and place your arms on the armrests to enjoy the full range of comfort.” Medic doesn't need to be told twice and is only too happy to follow the barber's friendly request. Back, head and arms are on cloud nine. Ludwig has to pull himself together not to fall asleep. “Do we have it comfortable?” “Extremely comfortable.” “Very good.” The voice of the friendly barber suddenly changes. It sounds sarcastic and slightly vicious. An uncomfortable feeling spreads in Medic. Just as he is about to sit up, suddenly straps appear from the armrest and backrest and tie Medic to the chair. “Got you! Muhahaha!!” Horrified, the captured German stares into the big mirror in front of him. The man behind him now wears a (too big) soldier's helmet and his clothes have also changed. An American soldier! “What’s happening?!?” “I'll tell you what happens here, Kraut. Look outside.” The peaceful idyll of the pretty old town is destroyed as large, heavy American tanks drive through the streets. “From today, Germany is the property of America and all Germans will be turned into real Americans. And I'll start with you. And the first step to becoming an American soldier is a new hairstyle.” Doe suddenly holds an electric razor in his hand. On his face a big grin. “B-but I’m a Doktor!” “So? Then you'll become a military, American paramedic. And they have exactly the same hairstyle as a proud American soldier.” “Are you a patriot or is it a mental disorder that you must always mention that everything is American?” “Of course I am an American patriot! And you will be too. With your new, military haircut, Hippie.” Another strap fixes Ludwig’s head on the headrest and the razor starts to hum. With eyes wide open, Medic has to watch his black hair come loose from his head, along with his curl, which he had always nourished and cherished with so much effort. And Doe’s crazy sing-song resonates throughout the store, throughout the whole city. “U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!”

“U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” Soldier's morning roll call in the corridor rouses Medic out of his nightmare and he sits bolt upright in his bed. Not the first time, but the first time he is grateful to him. His room door opens and Soldier sticks his head in. “Good morning, cupcake. Get out of bed! We have a long day today.” And he’s already gone again. “A long day? We have our day off today...” Soldier looks so pumped and cheerful. What could that be for a reason? Maybe there is none. Jane is sometimes like a small, moody kid, and the whole team has to bear his moods.

20 minutes later, Medic heads to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. He didn’t meet anyone from the team all morning. It almost seems as if everyone had flown out. Except, of course, Soldier, whose voice echoes from afar through the whole base. “There you are, maggots! Did you really believe that you could hide from me? I find you always and everywhere!” What is going on today? Something is different. There's something in the air. Medic must think again of his dream. He knows he had that dream, or at least a similar dream, before. But when was that? And in what connection was this dream? “I guess I'm getting old.”

When he arrives in the kitchen, Medic approaches the coffee maker. As expected, no coffee is ready. You would think that nine men in one spaces brings advantages but the opposite is the case. Scout drinks his energy drinks, Engie and Demo prefer drinking alcohol, Pyro...no idea. Spy only consumes wine and tea (as Medic actually does, too but in the early morning it just has to be coffee) and Heavy (secretly) drinks vodka, albeit very little. So the only ones who drink coffee are he, Medic, Sniper, and Soldier. However, Sniper has his own camp stove, which he keeps in his van, and Soldier keeps his own coffee in a separate thermos bottle, which he actually drinks only when he dominates an enemy. It takes a while for the coffee to be used up, which is why Soldier has to keep warming it up - but Medic suspects that he's drinking it cold too… To cut a long story short, Medic always has to cook the coffee by himself. Every morning. But it's done quickly and only a few minutes later, Medic enjoys the early morning caffeine boost. With the steaming coffee cup in his hand, Ludwig makes his way back to the infirmary. Today he intends to start a new experiment on baboon livers. He's worried about Tavish's livers. He is always so proud of them because their tolerates tons of alcohol. But eventually this will be over. And then he will need Medic and his baboon livers. Medic wanted to do that for quite a while, but as a mercenary you has little free time.

On the way, he passes one of the provocative calendars that are spread throughout the base. Without a specific reason, he casts a glance at it - and the coffee runs into his windpipe, causing a violent cough attack. Now he knows why Soldier behaves this way today. It's just like last year. How could he forget that? That's why the Mercs have their day off today. Today is the 4th of July… Soldier's favorite day… “Oh no…” “There you are, maggot!” Startled, Medic swirls around. Soldier stands in front of him. “You probably wanted to make yourself scarce, too, eh? But not today!” “I wanted… I just wanted…” “Quit it! So, sister. You may now choose whether you want to be Governor Morris or George Washington.” The die-hard patriot holds up two costumes. Last year, July 4th was already exhausting, but that's new. It seems to get worse every year. “... … …”

“„♫O! say can you see♫by the dawn’s early light, What so proudly we hailed♫at the twilight’s last gleaming. Whose broad stripes and bright stars♫through the perilous fight, O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?♫” Soldier had forced his team into the common room, which is decorated with blue-and-white-red garlands and American flags on the walls. And even the Mercs are decorated in American style. In the form of costumes from American founding fathers and presidents. However, only the non-Americans. Pyro sits in a cage on the wall, also in a costume. It's brown, has wings and a tail. When Heavy asked what he's portrays, Soldier replied with pride that he's America's national symbol. A griffin - half eagle, half lion. The strongest and proudest animals in the world. “And what about the bear?” Medic had asked. And Soldier had answered, “A bear? You mean a teddy bear like the Berlin bear?”

Scout and Engie are standing to the left and right of Soldier, who had positioned himself in front of the table where the disguised Mercs are sitting, and sings the American national anthem with his right hand on his chest. The notes are unbearable crooked, but no one dares to interrupt him. On days like this he's unpredictable. Scout and Engie sing too. Engie rather reserved, but Scout with a little more vigor. For the suffering Mercs it feels like an eternity, until the song is finally sung to the end. “Finally. Now I can take off this stupid costume, yes? The beard starts to itch.” Spy wants to doff the annoying thing but Soldier slams both hands on the table. “Abraham Lincoln is a proud beard bearer, Maggot! It will stays!” “Don't pretend you knew him personally” Spy says, cross his arms. “I know him personally! He is sitting in front of me after all!” “Pah!” “I have a question... Who am I?” “Your name is Francis Scott Key, you Scottish ignorant!” “Okay… And what did he do?” “Do I really have to explain everything to you?” “Please excuse me for not knowing much about American history! I'm surprised you know so much about it.” “I am American! Of course I know about the history of my country!” “Oh yeah? If so, then you should also know that this land originally belonged to the Indians! And not you or any other American. So stop pretending that everything is yours!” “Oh Demo…” A dangerous growl escapes Soldier's throat. Dell and Jeremy take a step back. “Of course, this land belongs to me! Just as your asses! Everything is listening to my command!” Now, Tavish shoots up from his chair and glares at Jane across the table. “May I remind you, lad, that you have the role of the soldier here? And what do soldiers do? They take orders, and give none!” Suddenly Soldier holds his disciplinary whip in his hand. It pops loud as he slams it in the palm of his hand. It doesn't need words anymore. Demoman sits down on his chair without further ado and remains silent. He has gone too far, he knows. Often Soldier is like an idiot and you have to scold him once he has messed up again. But on days like these, it's best not to mess with Jane. “Want another one of you Europeans mess with me?” “Um... I'm not a European.” “But you're still not an American, Aussie!” “Yes, but we also speak English! In addition to... 250 other languages, since the Europeans have settled down at our place. Or maybe more...” “AHA! So you are a half European too!” George Washington remains silent subsequently.

“I'll be right back. Then I test your knowledge of this proud land. After all, you have lived here for several years.” And with these words Soldier leaves the room. Dell is a bit ashamed and doesn’t dare to look the other in the eye. Jeremy, however, enjoys the situation. Spy feels provoked. “What are you grinning so stupidly? Actually, you're not that patriotic, Scout.” “That's true, but I like how the hard helmet goofs off you.” “Engie, can you not talk to him?” “I would, but in these phases Soldier is very inaccessible. He wouldn't listen to me. Just do what he says. The day is over quickly.” “Such days never end…” “Here I am, maggots!” Soldier enters the room; with a thick book under his arm. The table trembles as Soldier drops the book on it with a loud bang. “What's this? A quiz book?” “Quiet! I'll ask you questions one after another. And woe to him who doesn’t know the answer!” “What about Scout?” The runner flinches. “’ow about if you ask the boy a few questions first?” Scout's expression on his face shows that he certainly does not know much about American history. But Spy should have known what Soldier would answered. “I don’t need that! He is an American!” Scout exhales (silently) relieved. With his mouth he forms "Fuck you, Spy!" and holds up his middle finger. Soldier notices nothing from all this. His whole attention is on the non-Americans. He opens the book and flips the pages. Engie and Scout look over his shoulder with interest - and then look at each other in wonderment. “My first question is addressed to the Honorable Benjamin Franklin.” Some of the Mercs look at each other questioningly. “Heavy, that's you” Medic whispers to the Russian. “D-da?” “Who started the Cold War and who will win it?” “Umm…” “What is that for a question? I thought you were asking questions about American history or the people we embody today with these costumes.” “Did I already ask your question, Fritz?” “………” “So, Commie, who started the Cold War and who will win it?” “I-I don’t know…” “Should that surprise me?” “Heavy can not look in the future! And I do not know who started. Heavy does not understand politics a lot.” “Failed! But lest you die stupid, I'll tell you the answer. The Soviet Union has started the war and America will end it by winning!” “You cannot look into the future too, Soldier. Or did Merasmus help you?” “I don't need Merasmus to know that America will win! I know that! The next question concerns Francis Scott Key.” Tavish's eye rolls annoyed in its cave. “It's about today's day of honor America. How can it be that America was able to free itself from England, but Scotland is failed to do so?” “…what?” “Correct! Because America is great and strong! Quite different than you. Or do you skirt carriers like to boss around by this billycocks and tea drinkers?” “How dare you? We are not England's slaves! We are united!” “And then came Ireland and has also united with England named United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. Or where in this name is Scotland?” Demoman clenches his hands into fists. For a moment, he thinks about to attacks Soldier, but reconsiders and instead folds his arms offended.

Medic, Sniper and Spy look at each other. The three know what's going to happen to them. And they know that Soldier is going a step too far this year. They knew from the beginning that he's a hardcore patriot. And, in fact, they've gotten used to the fact that he makes fun of them or insults them sometimes. But this is just humiliating. “Now to you, Frenchie.” “Oh please.” “Tell me, how was it possible that France couldn't conquer America but Canada?” “…because America is great?” “Positive! And because the Canadians are a bunch of weaklings! You're not that stupid, Spy.” “I just said what you wanted to ‘ear. The reality looks a little different. North America was taken possession of France and was partly a colonized territory called la Nouvelle-France.” “Wat?” “New France. For 229 years. You can imagine ‘ow many Americans ‘ave French ancestors. Maybe you too?” “I come from the heart of America!” “That doesn’t matter at all.” “Pah! I would rather have German ancestors and even that I don't hope so. Even if that were the case there is hardly an American who speaks French. Unlike the Canadians! And I am neither French nor Canadian! And no German!” “Yes… And their French sounds ‘orrible.” Soldier lets his growling laugh sound as he turns his head to Medic. “C’mere, sister.” Ludwig rolls his eyes annoyed. If Soldier wants to boast about how great America is and his gaze stays on him, then it can only be about one topic… “Who kicked Germany in the ass during World War II?” “………” “Answer!” Medic takes a deep breath. Press on regardless! “I know you want to believe that America defeated Germany. But actually it was the Russians who gave the Germans the coup de grâce.” Heavy lowers his head ashamed. “That's a lie!! America has defeated Germany!” “It was Russia. Ende.” Medic folds his arms. That's the last straw! He doesn't want to be constantly treated like a second-class person just because he's not an American.

Soldier slams both hands on the table until it trembles. “I forbid these impudence!” And with these words he rushes out of the room again. “Was that really Russia?” Mundy asks. “Well” replies Medic, “I don’t know that either. I haven't dealt with it so far. But I know that even France claims to have defeated Germany.” “Pah!” Spy lights a cigarette. “Can we finally talk about something else?” “Today is the 4th of July. We knew that would happen. Was not different last year.” “Last year was not that bad. Soldier only forbade us to say a single word in our mother tongue. And now we have to wear those stupid costumes and answer stupid questions to prove to Soldier that he's above us. I'm fed up!” “Aye! Me too! What is he actually thinking?” “Probably nothing…” “Hey, Pardners. Take a look at Soldier's book.” Engineer pushes the thick book across the table over to the others. What they see surprises them. “What the…!?” The Mercs have assumed that the book is about America. Well, actually it is about America but the pictures and texts are homemade. An originally empty book, which Soldier had filled out with his scrawl and underexposed sense of artistic representation. The texts are about how great America is and how lame other countries are. The pictures show on each page a big American flag and under it various other country flags. German - French - English - Russian...  The colors of the German and the French, as well as the Russian flag are reversed. “I might ‘ave guessed” Spy moans. “These stupid questions ‘e asked, he cannot possibly ‘ave from a real textbook.” “Well, it's a legitimate textbook for him.” “This guy really lives in his own world.” “Yeah, in the American world.” Actually, Tavish's saying was not meant funny, nevertheless it makes the mercenaries laugh. Even Spy has to smile.

“What’s going on here, fagots?” Soldier is back in the room; the whip at the ready. “What are you doing with my book?!” The patriot rushes over to the Mercs, slamming the book shut with such a force that blows Spy's cigarette out of his mouth and tucks it under his arm. “That’s mine!” “We just took a short look” Mundy defends himself and the others. “Yeah, yeah yeah! It's always the same with you non-Americans! You always want our secrets! But as long as Jane is Doe, I will not let that happen! And you two?” Soldier turns to Engineer and Scout. “You just let it happen? Traitors! You just cannot trust the foreigners! And something else. As from today, only English is spoken!” Now it's Heavy who slams his hands on the table. He gets up from his chair and looks menacingly down at Soldier. “Don't talk to Heavy like that!” “Easy, Heavy.” Medic puts a hand on his shoulder. “I'm sure Soldier will apologize. Right, Soldier?” “Why should I do that?” Now the foreign Mercs are moving together. “Because the foreigners are in the majority.” “………” “And you can certainly not forbid us to speak in our mother tongue. Am I right?” “Da!” “Oi!” “Aye!” “Oui.” “It just figures that the Nazi would take the lead.” Engineer is clearly uncomfortable with how the situation develops. Sensitive, he tries to bring Soldier to reason. But he doesn't get further than his name because Spy leans back in his chair and takes the floor. “My dear Soldier, we are not the problem, but you.” “What do you mean?” “Very simple. You put us in the costumes of, I 'ave to say, great Americans. It's even a 'onor for us to be dressed like the Founding Fathers and Presidents on a day like this one. And you know why? Because America is partly our home too. We feel just as comfortable 'ere as we are at our 'omeland. We 'ave accept it. Why can't you accept that foreigners 'ave a 'ome in America? Celebrating the 4th of July with just as much enthusiasm as Americans. You probably let us wear these costumes for several reasons. But first and foremost, to 'ide that we are not Americans. And even that doesn't work. You attack us anyway. Or do you 'ave no respect for Abraham Lincoln or George Washington?” “O-of course, Sir!” Soldier salutes. Scout leans over to Engineer and whispers, “This guy is insane.” As if Soldier has heard that, he turns to them. “Why don’t you salute our Honorable Presidents and Founding Fathers?” “You are insane!” Jane hits Jeremy on the back of his head. “Ow!” “Chest out!” And there is another blow with the whip on the butt. With a renewed outcry Scout stands straight up and his arm moves almost automatically upwards to get into salute position. Engineer doesn’t want to undergo disciplinary sanctions and salutes. Now the three Americans are standing in front of the rest of the Mercs, saluting and with the utmost respect in body language. Except for Scout. He feels extremely provoked by Spy's gaze and spitefulness smile. You'll suffer for this! “Hey, Captain Harthelm.” “Silence, Soldier!” “I have important information from secret service.” “From secret service?” “Scout, what are you doing?” “Our presidents and founding fathers are spies.” “WAT?!” “Yeah! I mean look at them!” Soldier looks closer at Spy and the others (as far as the oversized helmet allows). “Hhmmmm…” Facepalm. It's time to bust the guys. And that's proper for a real American, isn't it? Jeremy dash at Spy, grabs his Lincoln-beard and pulls it off his face. Soldier gasps loudly and grabs his chest in horror. “Traitors! Spies! In my base!” “Retreat!” Heavy, Demo, Medic, Spy and Sniper flee out of the room. Of course, they could defend themselves against Soldier, but if Soldier is in a rage, even Heavy is powerless. High treason is in his eyes the worst sin that can be committed. Jane Doe can't take a joke here… While the Mercs flee down the hall, Soldier's voice resonates throughout the base. “Come back here you treacherous, sneaky, deceitful, cowardly, spying hippies! No one messes with America! And I am Americaaaaaa!” “Have you often wondered if Soldier has several personalities?” “No, but I think ‘e is capable of doing everything.” “Now he will sweep through this base like a tornado and make our life hell.” “Don't worry. We just hide somewhere and wait until tomorrow. Then everything will be normal.” “Yes, until the next 4th of July…” “Then we have to do something, so that doesn’t happen anymore. We should teach him a lesson” Heavy suggests. “And ‘ow should we do that?” “Heavy don’t know yet.” “Don't worry, lads. We will come up with something! Finally, we come from five different regions of the world.” “And what does that have to do with it? Are you losing your mind like Soldier?” “Just sayin’…”

Enraged, Soldier strides up and down in the common room. “These miserable deceivers. Disguise themself as honorable Americans to deceive me! But no one is fooling me!” “Nice goin’, son” Engineer whispers angrily to the boy. “That was not my fault! Spy provoked me. And that's what comes of it!” “You!” Dell and Jeremy startle. “You will help me to find these deceivers! Engie! You build your Sentrys at each entrance and exit of this base. The dispenser and the teleporter entrance come here. The common room is now our headquarter.” “But this whole base is our headquarter…” Soldier grabs Scout by the shoulders. “I don't know if you might not have noticed, boy, but our base has been infiltrated! The rats are in the cheese…” “And…now?” “You will track them down and report back to me.” “Me?” “Of course! You're a scout, aren't you?” “Well…yeah.” “Then move!” Before you know it, Scout is already gone. “And you? You're still standing here, too.” “Jane, don't you think you're exaggerating?” Soldier's lips twitch. “What was that, soldier?” “I-I mean…” Soldier approaches Engineer. “We are at war. There is no ifs and buts.” “These are our friends. Our comrades.” Soldier's lips twitch again. “I feel like you're sympathetic to America's enemies. Dell...” He takes Engineer by the shoulders. “I need you. You are my closest ally. Don’t abandon me and America. So start positioning your toys now.” Dell shakes his head wearily, but he finally agrees to placate Soldier. “Thanks, Engie.” Soldier wants to leave the room. “What are you going to do, Soldier?” “Prepare myself for the war. What else?” And then he's gone. Engineer sighs in defeat and finally sets about building the dispenser. “Hudda…” Pyro embraces the bars of his cage and looks slightly scared. “Don't worry, buddy. You're safe in there until it's all over. Hah, I bet BLU doesn't have such a hassle with their Soldier.”

At the same time in the BLU Base: “Get down! Get down, maggots! You call that push-ups? My grandmother can it better! Sissies! It's high time that an American gives beans your non-American asses! I will make you get a move on!” “S-soldier! That’s too much…” There is a painful whip on the butt. “Did I allow you to speak, Baguette? Bread doesn't talk! And what about you, Kraut? Don't you have any strength anymore?” “Fess!” Another whiplash. “Kraut and baguette. Kraut-Baguette! That's the name for you both now. When I say Kraut-Baguette, you two will spurt, got it? And you, commie? I know you're fat, but come on!” Another whiplash echoes through the base. Engineer and Scout sitting in the background and drink their beer and energy drink and enjoy the sight. Pyro lies in the corner and takes a nap with his plush unicorn. “Maggots!” *smack*

"Well, I bet there is more harmonious than over here.”

Entrenched in the basement, European (and Australian) mercenaries squat and think about what to do. “Great, I actually feel like an intruder. What is Soldier thinking?” “I don't think ‘e thinks anything. I rather believe that ‘e is guided by ‘is instincts.” Spy massages his temples. “First the April 1 with Scout's unbearable jokes, and then the July 4th, when Mon cher Soldier's patriotic spirit gains the upper ‘and.” “Don’t forget Halloween, Spook.” “Oh yes… ‘alloween is fun.” “Nah!” Sniper hates Halloween. For a simple reason. On that day Soldier thinks, whatever reason, he is Merasmus. Says he looks like him. “Where is a similarity between me and him?” “Well, I recognize some similarities too.” “What's your problem with me, Spy?” “I don't ‘ave any problem with you. I just said that I can also recognize similarities. This big bulbous nose, this 'I am an Idiot' - gaze…” Tavish and Misha cannot help smiling. “Gaaahhh!” “Could we concentrate on thinking about how to give Soldier a piece of his mind?” Medic sighs. “We must stick together now. This is especially important in moments like these. But I think I have an idea.” “Really?” The rest of the team is on fire for Medic's words. “Well, I think we have to tell him that our home countries have done a lot of good for America.” “Hmm… Could maybe work, lad. We have to win his trust. And when we have that, he may leave us alone in the future on 4 July.” “And on Halloween!” “That's not interesting, Bushman.” “Why you…!” “Easy, Mundy. One thing at a time. First we'll take care of that, okay?” “Medics words soothe the sniper. But he cannot resist to hiss at Spy.” “But how do we get Soldier to listen?” “That's a good question, Heavy. How do you make an American soldier capitulate?” “By checkmate his team.” “That's right. But we will not checkmate Scout and Engineer but get them on our side.” “It's quite possible that Engineer will do that, but not Scout.” “He's not a patriot, he just wants to give you a wipe, Spy. But we will certainly get him on our side.” “And I ‘ave the feeling that this will ‘appen at my expense.”

“Maybe~” The Mercs flinch. Scout sits above them on one of the pipes on the ceiling and grins silly down at them. “How did you find us?!?” “Aw c’mon. I am the best. Apart from that, it is not too difficult to detect a group of retirees.” “Aye! Watch your mouth, boy!” “How did you get in here?” “Through the ventilation shaft.” Scout proudly points to the hole in the wall. “I'm surprised you ‘ave taken this path. The ventilation shaft ‘asn’t been cleaned for years. Quite apart from the creepy-crawlies.” “C-creepy-crawlies?” “Yes… For example, that spider on your shoulder.” “Waaahh!?!” Panicked Jeremy pats down his shoulder, then the other. He moves so hastily that he loses his balance and falls off the pipe. Lucky for him that Heavy was sitting right under him. The friendly Russian catches him in the middle of the air with one hand. “Little man is afraid of little spider?” On solid ground Scout pats down his clothes. “I- I'm not afraid of spiders” he replies defiantly. “Calm down, Scout. There is no spider. Spy fooled you.” “Yes, thanks. Nevertheless, it tingles me everywhere now!” “Little man is afraid of a small, invisible spider” laughs Heavy. “Yeah, yeah, yeah…” “What do you want, Scout? I bet Soldier sent you to look for us, am I right?” Medic folds his arms. “Yeah, sure. But I didn’t look for you because he told me.” “Why you’re here then, mate?” “Well, I've heard that you want to get me and Engie on your side. What do I get if I join you?” “That doesn’t answer the question of why you went looking for us.” “He went looking for us because he's scared shitless in front of Jane. He just doesn't want to admit it.” “Hmph! Hey! Better make me a good offer, otherwise I'll go to the hard helmet and peach against you!” Heavy rises from his seat in the form of a wooden box. With his arms tightly folded, he stands directly behind Scout; towers over him like a sequoia and looks down at him sternly. The boy has to swallow. “Do you really think that, where you are now in our midst, we just let you go that way? That we let ourselves be pressured by you?” “Y-you owe me something if I join you. And remember that you need me if you want to get Dell on your side. Soldier has forced him to align his sentries to shoot at anyone who is neither Red nor a Scout, Engineer, or Soldier class.” “Are you serious?” “Pffft! For all I care. You can try your luck.” The mercs look at each other. “Okay, lad. What do you want?” “Yeah, awesome! Weeellll… You all become my slaves. For, say... three months. You make my room, bring me food and drink and do all my household chores.” “You’re feeling fine, boy?” “Pah! I prefer to sit in the basement for the rest of the day. Tomorrow Soldier is back to normal anyway.” “All right, all right! Then I'll make you another offer. I'm allowed to borrow Spy's cigarette case.” “What?!” “Hmm… I can live with that. What about you?” Everyone agrees, only Spy has objections. “Why should you want that? You cannot ‘andle it anyway!” “Oh come on, Spook. Give the baby his bottle.” “Come on, Spy. Pull yourself together.” “If the spook is over, you can ‘ave it. But the using is only under my supervision, understood? And woe, you just want to behave mischievously!” “Yeah, yeah. Calm down, gramps.” “Hmpf!” “Then go, boy.” “Alright! I'm back in no time!” And with that Scout leaves the cellar. Spy takes out his cigarette case. “What you up to?” “I will follow ‘im. I don't trust ‘im. ‘e's up to something.” At the touch of a button, Spy disguises as Scout. “Actually, we would have come up with this idea sooner.” “But we should have put Scout away before. This brat would have ruined it.” “Haha! I could to get used to hearing Scout talking about himself like that.” “Why don't we choose a day in the year where we do somethin’ nice together. You know, as a team. Spy dresses up as all of us and makes a few jokes. As a kind of comedic show” suggests Tavish excited. “I’m not a comedian and certainly not here to entertain you.” “Don't pretend that you don't even want to have fun at our expense. You're pretty much like Scout.” “Well, the apple never falls far from the tree.” “That’s not true…”

“You died as you lived: running away!” “Oh, Soldier, who will they ever find to replace you? Anyone! Ahahahaha!!” “You look like death warmed over *chuckles*” “I've merely finished what your liver started!” “Aww, too bad this wasn't a pie-eating contest!” “Yippee ki-yay, my dead, illiterate friend!” “I'm looking at your x-ray, and I'm afraid you suck!” “You live in a van! Ahahahahaha!” “I'll see you in hell... you handsome rogue.”

“Hmpf!” Without another word, Spy leaves the basement. “Oh dear, if that goes wrong.” “And we?” “We’ll wait here.”

The fake scout sneaks through the base. He had lost sight of the real one. This rascal just cannot walk normally, has always to run. But he has an idea. He will visit the common room. As pretty as Soldier had decorated the room, he surely have declared it to the Headquarter. But the common room is empty (except for Griffin-Pyro). The teleporter and the dispenser are here, confirming Spy's guess. Where could Engineer be? Maybe the teleporter will bring him directly to him? But before Spy can use the equipment, Soldier suddenly appears. His rocket launcher on his shoulder - loaded and ready to fire his missiles at the allegedly traitors. “What are you doing here, soldier? Did you find the enemy?” “Uumm… No, not yet.” “Hadn't I been clear enough that I don't want to see you here any more, until you did your job?” Soldier raises his voice. Actually, he always talks loudly. But now he's talking loudly because he's in a rage. Really unbearable. But Spy must not break character. “I have not found them yet, but I think I know where they are right now.” “Who?” “In the abandoned part of the base.” “And why didn't you search there, if you are so sure that they are there?” “W-well because…because err…” “Ah I see. You’re afraid. Soldiers are not afraid!” “Dude, I don't know if you haven't already noticed, but it's really scary there.” “And if Merasmus would live there with all his evil products! We both go there now and smoke the rats out!” Jane grabs the fake scout by the ear and pulls him along. “Aw crap!” Before they can leave the common room, suddenly the real Scout appears. When he sees the two, he freezes. He needs a moment to realize that he's facing himself. “Aw crap…” “What the…?! Ahhh! A doppelganger traitor!” Soldier throws Spy over to Scout and points his deadly rocket launcher at them. “What are you doing?” “Hunt you down! I don't know who of you is the real one, so I'll play it safe.” “You cannot do that!” “Yeah, man! If you kill me, you're a comrade murderer! Because I'm the real scout!” “No, I'm the real one! If you kill me, you will be dishonorably disbanded from the army!” Jane hesitates. Both have good arguments. Then there is only one thing to do. Without letting the two out of sight, Soldier walks over to Pyro's cage and unlocks it. “Get in there!” “What?” “I'm not going in there! Not to this…thing.” “In with you or I'll blow up both of you a rocket in the ass! Shit on the consequences!” The two scouts exchange views with each other. Only very slowly and hesitantly they approach the cage. Pyro looks like he cannot wait to get new roommates. Like a small child, he claps excitedly in his hands. “What are you doing here?” whispers Scout angrily. “Preventing you from doing nonsense.” “So you don’t trust me?” “Indeed, I don't do that at all.” “QUIET! Whispering will not be tolerated!” At the cage door the two hesitate. Impatiently, Soldier moves them up with a kick and immediately closes the cage. “What's that supposed to be?” Doe grabs a chair and pulls it over. He sits down on it, places the rocket launcher next to him on the ground and uses it as arm supported. “Now I will find out who of you is the real scout.” Again, the two scouts exchange views with each other. “And how do you want to do that?” “By asking you questions that only the real scout can answer.” “No problem!” the two answer synchronously. There's nothing Spy doesn't know about his teammates. Just disguising as them doesn't make him a professional spy. He must be them. He has to think like them, like and hate what they like and hate. In other words, physically as well as mentally, he must be the exact copy of the enemy. Spy is ready! However, the constant embrace tries of Pyro is a bit disturbing…

“First question…” The real Jeremy fidgets excitedly. Or maybe it's nervousness? “What's Scout's favorite drink?” “BONK! “Bonk…” “Bonk? What is that?” “Err…?” “………?” “The answer is wrong, maggots! The correct answer is milk.” “Milk? You've got to be kiddin’!” Spy pokes Scout in the ribs. “What's the big idea?” “Stop being upset and play his sick game.” “No whispering! Next question. What does Scout's mother look like?” “Beautiful.” “Hot.” Scout gives Spy a bitter look. “Oh really?” Soldier laughs perverted. “Wait a moment! You miserable pervert!” “………” “Okay, the third and last question. How old is Scout?” “I'm 23, knucklehead!” “Pfft! I would be with pleasure. But in reality I'm only 16.” “Positive!” Scout is extremely outraged. “Which side are you on?” “On my own. After all, I am a selfish brat.” “Although I have already finished my interrogation that is correct, too. Come out, soldier.” Jane opens the cage and lets Spy step out and immediately closes it behind him again. “I knew from the beginning that you were the real scout.” “You kiddin’ me?” “You can give up on your dilettante disguise now, Spy.” “I AM THE REAL SCOUT!” “If so, how is it possible that you have answered the questions about yourself incorrectly?” “I have answered correctly! You just think I'm wrong because you have no idea about me! You don't know anything about me!” “I hardly believe that, maggot! I know everything about my team! And you're a 16-year-old milk face. Or how do you explain that you are still so small at 23? When I was that age, I was already three heads taller than you.” Frustrated, Jeremy screams. Spy looks back and forth between Soldier and Scout. He would not have thought that this would happen. And he likes it. A real satisfaction. “Now that it's clear, we'll both hunt the traitors out of hiding.” “Wait… We both?” “Of course! Is there a problem?” “N-no! Of course not.” Actually, Spy had planned to go looking for Engineer. But now he has Soldier on his hands, so he has to change his plan. And he already has an idea. “Umm… I said that I suspect the traitors in the abandoned part of the base, right?” “Those were your words.” “Well, as far as I know, this place is locked. Do you have the key?” “Of course. That's my base after all!” You would like that, wouldn't you?

“I'll go get it. You wait here! And don't let yourself be conned, got it?” And with that, Soldier bustles off. Spy uses this time to talk to Jeremy (who looks pretty pissed off). “Scout…” “I'm not talking to you anymore” he replies defiantly, folds his arms and turning away. “Now don’t act like a defiant child!” “Why not? After all I'm still a child. Am I right, Scout?” “Oh please. Even the most childish 16-year-olds are more adult than you. Now get a grip. You know that Soldier is an idiot.” “Pah!” “Anyway. ‘ave you talked to Engineer?” “………” “Scout.” “………” Spy sighs beaten. This kid… “I’m back!” Soldier's dominant voice enters Spy's ears and goes through his entire body. This frightens the French so much that he almost betrays himself. How can it be that a guy who is always loud can sneak up like this? “Let’s go, soldier!” With one last look at Scout, Spy follows Soldier into the corridor. “Hudda…” Pyro carefully places a hand on Scout's shoulder, but he shakes it off. “Leave me alone, Pyro.” “Mmpfhh…”

Engineer lies relaxed on his sun bed at the main entrance of the base next to his sentry and drinks his beer. He has not heard anything from inside for a while. Apparently the others were able to successfully hide from Jane. And it's not easy to hide from Jane. If he is looking for something or someone, he is like a bloodhound. They're safe and Engineer doesn't have to worry about them. He can only hope that they stay in their hiding place and don't come across of one of his sentries. Solly had ordered him to changed them so they shoot at anyone who - well - is not American. Dell has to admit that he's worried a bit for Soldier. This year he goes a little too far. What if the others blame him so much that they assassinate him the next day? Nah! We are a team. We hold together like a family. Each of us has his quirks and everyone understands. Tomorrow we will surely laugh about it. Engie closes his eyes. The even breathing of his beloved Sentry makes him slightly sleepy. And while he's dozing off slowly, Dell remembers that they had always celebrated 4th of July in Texas with a big fireworks display and an even bigger barbecue party. Best beef on best grill. Automatically his right hand puts itself on his stomach. A shadow settles over Engineer. But he doesn't bother because he believes only one cloud has moved in front of the sun. “I've heard that alcohol makes you fat and ugly.” Oh shit… Scout stands over him, holding one of Dell's beer bottles in his hand. “And energy drinks make you hyperactive and stupid.” “Pff!” “What do you want, boy? Didn't Soldier send you away?” “Sure. And as good as I am, I have already found the classics.” “For real? Where are they?” “They have entrenched themselves in the cellar.” “You will not tell Jane, will you?” “Hmmm… No. Spy promised me to borrow his cigarette case if I shut up.” “Doesn’t sound completely voluntary.” “Some offer they had to make.” “Boy, if you help someone, then you do not take anything from them.” “Why not?” “Because these are your teammates. They are like your family.” “If it were your family, it would be different.” “There we go.” “Yeah, yeah, anyway! At any rate, they begged me to talk to you. I was their only hope, you know?” “Don't beat around the bush, son!” “They plan to teach the hard helmet a lesson so that he will hold back a little more next July 4th. And they want our help. Are you in on it?” The word assassinates comes in Dell's mind. “What are they planning to do?” “No idea. But it will be interesting.” “Hmm… Okay, I'm in it. Are you telling them this? I have to stay here. When Solly realizes that I'm not in my place, there's trouble.” “Pffah! Today only one will get trouble. And that's not us. Besides, I just wanted to go to the common room. Let Pyro out of his cage.” “That's nice of you. The poor buddy. Kept like an animal in a cage.” “I think he feels comfortable in it. Just want to let him out to create chaos and confusion.” “………” Scout makes suddenly twitching movements and scratches his head and neck. “What's up with you, boy?” “Nothing! Just have the feeling that I have creepy-crawlies on my body.” “Creepy-crawlies?” “Yes, anyway! I'm gone.” He leaves. The others are in the basement. Not the nicest place, but maybe they are safe from Soldier. But now Dell has to decide what he should do. Does he go to them now and possibly risk Jane getting wind of it? If only he knew what exactly the others were planning. “Oh boy…”

Spy and Soldier are now standing in front of the locked steel door that leads to the abandoned part of their base. Why this part is left unused, they don't know. That's how it was already when they moved in here three years ago. Even the corridor that leads to this door seems slightly ghostly. What does it look like inside then? From the outside, the Mercs have no insight, because the windows are provided with boards and curtains. The question is how Soldier got the key. “Have you ever been in here?” “Of course not, maggot!” “Why not? I mean, it's exciting, isn't it?” “That's why Miss Pauling gave me the key. Because I'm the only one with discipline and responsibility. Closed doors are not funny, after all.” “Okay…?” Sometimes you are even a bigger joker than Scout. But things like locked doors are probably a limit to you. We should take advantage of that in our favor.

Doe unlocks the heavy door and pushes it open. Immediately an ice-cold wind and the slight smell of mold blows against them. Spy turns his head away in disgust. “Disgusting.” “Don't whine! In you go!” Soldier pushes the wrong scout through the door. The cold immediately takes possession of him and makes him shiver. But he has to admit that something else triggers the shaking. They are standing in a corridor. On the right the gray, unfriendly, cold wall and on the left the row of windows. It's the old boards that nailed to the windows that mouldered. The gray curtains, which probably used to be white are torn and blow ghostly back and forth. The light that shines in between the boards from outside is deprived of its brightness by the curtains. Spy has to swallow a bit. Scout should be grateful that he isn't in his stead. Soldier just marches headlong. He sighs and follows him. This is the perfect place to get rid of him. But for that they have to go deeper. Lucky Soldier doesn't distrust Spy's lie. After all, he had finally claimed that they had fled in here, even though the door was locked. Suddenly Soldier stops abruptly. “Just a minute…” Oh-oh! “The door was locked. How did they get in here?” The patriot turns to Spy. “Eerrr… M-maybe they had a spare key?” “Impossible! I have the only key!” “W-w-well t-then umm...” Soldier looks piercingly at him (through his helmet). Merde… Spy gets ready to run away when Soldier suddenly starts to laugh. “Hahaha! Presumably, this French Spy has turned into the key and opened the door for them. He was the only one left behind to fool me! To give the other time. But I don't let anyone fool me!” …artard.

The two reach the first room. There are no windows in there, absolute darkness. But the Spy doesn’t really care. He wants Soldier's key. “Light the way for me!” “I…what? I have no light.” Soldier reaches into his pocket and brings out a small flashlight, which he hands over to Spy. “That's why I'm the leader and you my battalion.” “I think we should end this ridiculous war.” Soldier slowly turns to Spy and looks threateningly down at him. “What was that?” “I mean, we could search them here for hours without ever finding them. And they are not our real enemies either. You just get weird ideas because today is your favorite day.” “Are you telling me that July 4th is not a day of honor in your eyes?” “What? No!” “Did you switch to the side of the enemies?” “That's not how I meant it!” Soldier steps close to Scout, who in turn dodges backwards until he has a wall in his back. Jane bends down to him, their noses almost touching. “I would advise you not to betray me.” Spy has to get this psychotic patriot off his back before he blows his cover! “Now listen to me! You may be the leader!” At least that's what you think. “But you should not forget that we are your troop! And what is a leader without his men? Nothing! Therefore, you should finally start to respect us more and insult less! And while we're at it - stop constantly screaming!” “But I have to scream and insult you! Otherwise you snails will not get off the stick! And as always you are the best example! Or why I still have no light, eh?” Soldier grabs Scout and shoves him into the room in front of him. Muttering something to himself, Spy turns on the flashlight. The room is quite big. Or is that because of the yawning emptiness that reigns here? Presumably this was or should be something like a common room. “Why is this part here actually abandoned?” “That’s Top Secret!” “In other words, you have no idea either.” *smack* The hit with the whip on Spy's butt causes the dead air to shake. With his mouth wide open, he turns to face Soldier, a hand on his butt, his face covered in surprise, disbelief, and pain, thinking of making a cry of pain or not. “I hate backtalk! Now stop looking like Engie’s Truck and move! I finally want to get these maggots and teach them the lesson of their lives.” We'll see who will get learned his lesson…

A doorless passage leads the two into another room border to three others. Spy didn't think the darkness could get any darker. It looks like it could swallow the light from the flashlight. “Great. And which way do we take now?” “Light once in every room.” Spy obeys. But he doesn’t step too close to the dark rooms. After checking all three, he returns to Soldier. “Report, private!” “Well, the left and right passages lead to a dead end. And the middle one to another eerie corridor.” “Then forward march!” “Uummm…” “What is it?” “W-well, how about I stay here? I mean, just in case they get past me. So I can trap them, y'know?” “Without flashlight?” “Er…” “You’re coming with me!” “But it's so scary!” “You are a shame for the army! I'll give you beans when I'm done with these traitors!” Soldier rips the flashlight out of Scout's hand. “You stay behind me!” “Aren’t you...afraid of ghosts?” “Me? Afraid of ghosts? Pah! I have already fought against ghosts you were a mere twinkle in your father's eye!” I don’t think so, my dear Jane.

Soldier goes straight to it. This whole team consists only of weaklings and yellowbellies. He's the only one who can bring this bunch to heel. They simply lack discipline. Once fighting in the war, they would finally turn into a man! The fight against the BLUs doesn't count. These are all just washcloths, too. It's time for Soldier to dust off his top-secret training plan. Doe reaches a staircase that leads up one floor. After a few steps, he notices that Scout has not said anything for a while. Actually, nothing bad, because the enemies cannot be forewarned. Nevertheless, it's quite untypical. “What's wrong with you, Maggot? Are you so afraid that it makes you speechless?” No reaction. “Scout?” Silence. Doe turns to the boy, but he’s nowhere to be seen. What? Lost? One of his men is missing and the enemy is lurking nearby. What to do? Retreat! Of course Soldier could also act as a one-man army. Together with his rocket launcher, he is a dangerous man. But what is a commander without his men? And for no other reason he will backtrack now. Too hasty, he begins with the descent, treads wrong and crashes down the last steps. With a heavy groan he hits the cold ground, losing the flashlight. It slips a few feet off the ground, away from him. “Ow…” He automatically touches his head. Thank god he had his helmet on. In addition to the weapon, the helmet is the best friend of a soldier. Still lying on the floor, Jane looks around for his only source of light. It seems so far away. If Soldier is honest, he feels a little uncomfortable without the flashlight. He feels for his rocket launcher and wants to get up, but something stops him. Doe listens into the darkness. Silence. He thought he had heard something. What exactly he cannot say. But no matter what it was. This was certainly the responsibility of the enemies of America, who are hiding in this abandoned part of the base. Is he being hunted now? They think just because he's alone now he's attackable. “You will never get me alive…” Hastily he stumbles over to the flashlight. Keeping it in his hand gives Jane a little peace of mind.

Soldier “Gasp!” One voice! There was a voice calling his name! A scary, whispering, transparent voice. Soldier cannot possibly determine which direction it came from. “Who's there? Show yourself!” Soldier Jane whirls around in panic. The voice was right behind him but nobody is to be seen. “Are you a ghost? I'm not afraid of ghosts! Before you even died, I've already fought ghosts!” Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Now the voice is everywhere. Or are there several? Soldier turns around his own axis. “I know exactly what you are up to! You want to confuse me! But that will not work!” During the turn, he discovers a figure in the light of his flashlight. Without thinking, he drops it, heaves the rocket launcher on his shoulder and fires all of his four rockets in the direction he thought he saw the figure. The explosions make the building shake - and then it's quiet. No more voices. After a short period of immobility, Soldier drops his rocket launcher. “Hmph! Don't mess with me.” He picks up the flashlight. Soldier feels like being invincible! However, his flashlight doesn't seem to feel that way, too. It's light begins to flicker. “Oh no…” A few final attempts to give light to its owner, and then the flashlight gives up its spirit and wraps Jane in absolute darkness. Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier The voices are back. And louder this time than before. “No… No!” Jane retreats until he feels a wall in the back and slides down on it. Both hands are pressed to the ears. “Leave me alone!” Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier Soldier!!!

After a painful odyssey back to the busy part of the base, Spy shoves the heavy steel door shut and locks it with the key he had stolen from Soldier. Thanks to his watch he could go unnoticed. Was not easy without light. He had to feels his way in the dark slowly and still got bumps and bruises. “Finally out there.” As Aiméric turns around to finally get the others out of the cellar, Dell suddenly stands in front of him. “Aaarhhgg! God dammit! Engineer! Was this necessary?” “I'm sorry, pardner. I saw that the door was open. Isn't it always locked?” “Yes, but I ‘ad to get Soldier in there.” “And he is still in there?” “I ‘ad to do it. I couldn't get rid of ‘im otherwise. Don't worry, ‘e's fine. Do me a favor and bring the others here. They are in the basement.” “Roger that. Scout has already taught me about it. I'll hurry up.” Dell's going. Meanwhile, Spy will get some flashlights. In search of it, he comes past the common room. He takes a quick look inside, just to see what Scout is doing. “What are you doing, imbecile?” The scout had tried to squeeze through the bars, but got stuck halfway. “What do you care” Scout countered, paying no attention to Spy. You can clearly see that he’s embarrassed by his complicated situation. Aiméric shrugs. “You're right. This is none of my business. I have something to do anyway. Pyro takes care of you. Don't you, Pyro?” “Hudda!” Caring, the pyromaniac puts a hand on Scout's head. “Aww. Isn’t that cute?” “Don’t touch me, you psychotic fire devil!” “Now, now. If I were you, I would be kind to your roommate.” “It's all your fault! Because you've distrusted me! If you had just stayed in the basemanet and let me do it, it wouldn't have happened.” “Calm down. You're just in a cage. When we're done with Soldier, we'll let you out.” “Why not now?” “Because Soldier ‘as the key.” “And where is the hard helmet? Did you backstabbed him? You can do that so well.” “…I'll go then. You don’t want to talk to me anyway. Au revoir ~” And Spy's gone. “Hey? Hey! Come back and get me out of here! Spy! Spyyyyyy!!” “Hudda!” “Leave me alone already!”

Dell reaches the basement. There he finds the others sitting in a circle. They give the impression of survivors of a nuclear attack. “Howdy, Pardners!” “Engie?!” Engineer is pleased that they are happy to see him. It's about time that they finally come out of the basement. He doesn't feel comfortable when his friends and colleagues have to hide in their own base just because Soldier has one of his phases. “What are you doing here? Did Scout finally find you? It took a long time.” “No, the boy was with me some time ago…” “And why didn’t you come right away?” “I could not leave my post. Soldier would have calls me down otherwise.” “And why are you here now?” “Spy gave me the green light. He said I should come get you. What do you have for a plan?” “We will make it clear to Soldier that America is not a super-land and it is stuck without other countries. Just like Soldier without us. Hmph!” Tavish speaks with a stern tone in his voice. When he's not drunk, he's one of the more austere and sober types. “But it's not personal, Dell.” “Hey, don't worry about me. I don't take that personally. I can understand you. Well then come. I'll take you to Spy.” “What would we do without you, Engie?” “Yes! You are the good soul of this team.” “You make me embarrassed, boys.” Engineer leads the four up the basement stairs and down the corridor towards the abandoned building. They pass one of the base entrances, where there is still one of Engineer's Sentries. Active and ready to shoot at anyone who is not American. Unfortunately, it comes too late into Dell's mind. Panicky, he whirls around to the others. “Stop! Don’t go any further!” Beep beep! The sentry fireworks illuminate the entire area. Usually a beautiful sight for Engineer. But this time he is plagued by gruesome guilt. He can do nothing but watch his beauty shoot down Medic, Demoman, Sniper, and Heavy. Their screams are completely destroyed by the shots. And finally, the Sentry shoots her four rockets, which fly with a graceful turn through the air and collide with the dying. Then it becomes quiet. Perforated, the Mercs lie motionless in front of Dell on the floor. Blood everywhere. Some parts of the body were separated by the explosion and flung away for several meters. His Sentry has made a good job. That will cause trouble. He will now quickly convert his Sentry and then wait at the Respawn for the others. He's hoping they are not too angry. How could they, where they had previously described him as a good soul of the team? They will surely understand him.

Spy waits impatiently at the steel door to the abandoned part of the base. He could find some flashlights in the storeroom. Now he is standing here waiting for Engineer to finally come with the others. He had sent him off a long time ago. What stops him?

Steps. Then finally the others can be seen. Spy rolls his eyes annoyed. “Well, finally. Where were… What’s wrong with you?” As they get closer, Spy recognizes the miffed expression on their faces. Engie, on the other hand, trots after the others, keeps his head down. “I'm sorry we kept you waiting, but a so-called Dell let us run into his Sentry and we had to make a trip through the spawn.” “Oh… I see. Don’t blame ‘im.” “Whom else then, huh?” Tavish's admonishing gaze wanders from Engie to Spy. “Maybe we should blame you. You should have sapping that thing, after all.” “Hey, hey, hey. Mutual blame doesn't help us. And basically, we all know who's to blame for all this trouble, right?” “Yes, where is Soldier actually?” “Behind this door.” Spy knocks on the steel door. “Wait a moment…” Medic looks around more closely. “That's the abandoned part of this base. And he is in there? All alone? And if I look at the flashlights like that, I assume that there is no light in there. I think we should hurry.” “Why?” “The human mind is quite complex. Especially the one from Jane. If you spend too much time in dark places, all by yourself, you can hear noises and see images that are not there at all.” “Wouldn't it be an advantage if he loses his mind?” All eyes are on Sniper. “Just saying. At least until after Halloween. Then Doc can fix him.” “Don’t worry. ‘e ‘as a flashlight.” “So... if there is no light in there, I can take care of it. Just a second.” And with these words Engineer's gone. “Does that mean I got the flashlights in vain?” Spy puts them down on the floor and unlocks the steel door. Soldier is not to be seen. He must be still deep inside. It's really strange that he didn't come back here. Did he get lost? But even Spy has found his way back. And that without a flashlight. Did something happen to him? If Aiméric is honest, he worries a bit about Soldier.

A moment later, the ceiling lamps begin to flicker and the ghostly corridor in front of them is flooded with bright light. “What the…? The electricity is still intact ‘ere?” Dell returns to the group, proud of himself. “Of course. I keep it in good condition permanently since we moved here. Arrangement from above. Just in case, I guess.” “But why are the whole windows nailed up?” “Don’t know. I should just take care of the electricity.” “That means… this key is yours?” Spy holds out the thick key to Engineer. “Yes, that's mine. I wondered how you and Solly came in there. Where did you get that from?” “From Soldier. ‘e said it belongs to ‘im. That the administrator entrusted this key to him because ‘e is the only you can trust. Pah! That should ‘ave make me wonder.” Engie shakes his head beaten. “Just get Solly out of there so that we can finally finish this nonsense.” With a nod, Spy, Medic, Heavy, Demo and Sniper enter the abandoned part that does not seem so abandoned now.

“Hey… Where is Scout?” “’e sits in the cage with Pyro.” “Oh… I'll check on them.” Engie is straight away on his way to the common room. Meanwhile, the others are looking for Soldier. “With light the rooms now seem even bigger. I wonder what Engineer should maintain the electricity in this abandoned part of the base. ‘e could have taken care of the furnishings, too.” “Maybe as a retreat, if something should happen to the main base?” “Well then the furnishing is even more important. At least it should ‘ave a fireplace room and a wine cellar.” “SOLDIER!” The others flinch. Tavish's voice echoes from the walls. “What are you doing?” “I call for him, lad. Who knows how far he is inside. By calling him we could find him faster.” “Where did you leave him behind, Spy?” “’ard to tell... With light everything looks very different. But I think we'll be there soon.” Suddenly, Medic stops abruptly. Heavy turns to him. “What’s the matter, Doktor?” “Don't you hear that?” Now everyone stops and listens to the silence. A soft whimpering is to hear. Demo's legs start to shiver. “G-ghosts?” “Don’t be silly, mate. There are no ghosts.” “Of course, lad!” “Of course not, mate!” “Lad!” “Mate!” “Lad!” “Mate!” “What about Merasmus?” “Merasmus is a wizard.” “An undead wizard!” “A zombie is still not a ghost!” “Are you two coming?” The others were keep moving and almost around the corner. The two stragglers catch them up. All alone it is quite scary despite the light.

“Oh dear…” The group reaches a kind of staircase. There, on a wall, Soldier sits huddled on the floor. The legs are tucked up to the body, both hands pressed against the helmet (seemingly a gesture to cover his ears) and head bowed to the ground. He mumbles anxiously something to himself. Next to him lies his rocket launcher. “Woah!” Tavish discovers the perforated and blackened wall. “Did he shoot at it?” Spy feels a bit guilty about leaving Soldier alone. However, he had his flashlight. He could have found his way back. Aiméric notices the flashlight on the ground next to Soldier. He picks it up and presses the switch. When nothing happens, he tries again, but nothing. It must have broken. So he sat in complete darkness all the time. “That cannot be true…” Medic kneels down to Solly. “Soldier?” “They want to get me but they will not get me they want to get me but they will not get me.” “Soldier!” “They want to get me but they will not get me they want to get me but they will not get me.” Medic reaches into his pocket and takes an injection from there. “Why are you carrying syringes with you, Doc?” “My dear Sniper, what kind of doctor would I be if I didn't do that? I always have to be prepared for everything.” “And what exactly is it?” “A sedative. Or as I like to call it, a panacea. It not only soothes but also relieves pain and restores mental stability. And that's what Jane needs more than anything right now.” Sniper nods his head but actually he has no idea what Medic means. He's about to sets the syringe on his neck. “Into the neck? For real?” “Medic rolls his eyes annoyed. “Who is the doctor here?” “I’m sorry, Docteur.” “Be careful!” “Don't worry. Soldier is quite insensitive to spraying. He will not notice anything in this condition.” Even as he speaks, the needle penetrates the skin and against all expectations Soldier suddenly jumps up, hits Medic with his fist in the face, grabs the syringe, pulls it out of his neck and throws it away. It ends up in Demo's leg and the white fluid content is pumped into his veins, the effect of which begins immediately. “Uaarg… aaarrg….” The seasoned Scot falls backwards to the ground, lies there with outstretched limbs and stares apathetically at the ceiling. “Wooooooaaahhhh….” “Tavish! Mate!” While Spy takes care of Medic and Sniper to Demoman, Heavy grabs the raging Soldier and shakes him vigorously. “What’s the matter with you?” When that doesn't help, Heavy raises his right hand and gives Jane such a strong slap in the face that the helmet flies off his head. With big eyes, the soldier stares up at the Russian. “C-commie…?” “Name is Heavy or Misha. Remember that at last! We have a serious word to talk about!” “Ssshh! Don’t you hear that?” Soldier's eyes move excitedly back and forth. “What?” “Ghosts…” “There are no ghosts.” “They are here!” Soldier starts raving again. Panicked, he tries to get out of Heavy's grip. “Calm down!” Again Misha gives him a slap. This time even stronger. So strong that Jane slumps lifeless in his big hands. “Well, you did a great job, fatman. Is he dead?” Medic regains his legs slowly. He holds a handkerchief under his nose to stop the bleeding. “Are you okay, Docteur?” “Yes, thank you. Let me see.” Ludwig lays two fingers on Soldier's neck to feel his pulse. “Oh, he's just unconscious.” “Good, then we can finally-“ “However…” interrupts Medic Spy and looks at Soldier deliberating. “However, it might not be a bad idea to kill him.” “WHAT?!” All horrified glances are directed at Ludwig. “It's very easy. His mind is completely fogged. The syringe was his only chance. And it was wasted.” Medic looks down on Demo. “When he wakes up, he will still be trapped in his psychosis.” “Well then just give him a new syringe!” “Pah! Am I your syringe clown? We kill him now, go back and on the way we pick him up at Respawn.” Everyone keeps quiet. “If you please, Heavy.” The good-natured Russian hesitates, but then grips Soldier's throat and puts his other hand on his head to break his neck. But again he hesitates and turns to the doctor for help. His mouth twitches and Medic starts to laugh loudly. “Pffahahahaha! That was a joke. Just kidding. When he wakes up again, he will be the old self again. And even if I had to get another syringe ready, you know how much I like doing that.” “It's said that Germans ‘ave no sense of ‘umor. But they ‘ave. And it's cruel…” “Doctor scared Heavy.” “I’m very sorry, Heavy. I hope you don’t mind carrying Soldier and Demoman?” Suddenly Tavish starts to babbling. “There is no god. Only the infinite universe. Equipped with the knowledge of the past and our and every life is nothing more than a tiny speck dust grain. 90 human years are just a moment in the cosmos. What is the meaning of life? The concatenation of generations to maintain the illusion of a meaning of life.” For a long time the Mercs are silently watching Demoman. Then their eyes wander to Medic. “Well, I didn't wrongly call my medicine a panacea. Apparently, it even affects consciousness-expanding. Fascinating. I have to examine this more closely.” “Does that mean this medicine has never been tested before?” “But it is. Just now.” “Docteur…”

When Soldier wakes up after a violent ride through nightmarish climes of his sleeping mind, he is bathed in sweat. Without having to sit up or look around, he knows he is lying on the bed in his veteran room (actually just his bedroom). He immediately recognizes this by the proud American flag on the ceiling above him. He had hung it up there to be reminded every morning when he wakes to feel blessed to be an American and to serve his country. But there is something else. Faces. He can recognize them. Engie, Heavy, Spy… They look worried. “Mutiny…” “Really, Soldier? That's the first thing that comes to your mind when you wake up?” “I told you that he will be the old self again.” Jane turns his head to the side and discovers Medic in a chair next to his bed. He opens his mouth, but with a wave of his hand, Medic silences him. “Before you insult me again as a Nazi, I have to tell you that you are under arrest. At least until you've listened to what we have to say.” Now the soldier raises his head and discovers the rest of the team. Immediately he lets his head drop back to the pillow. “Get it over with.” “Do you remember what happened?” “I was betrayed by my own men, was lured into a trap and exposed to a mental ordeal.” “Not really.” “Are you saying that I just imagined it all?” “No, I mean, you brought it all on yourself.” “What do you want to say?” Now Demoman approach Soldier and bends threatening down. "We mean, if you treat us so disrespectfully once again, you will fare even worse!” “Demo…” “You are not Miss America! You are not Captain America! You are NOT America! You're just a normal American, with a bit too much patriotism, which, I suppose, came about through brain damage! Because normal isn't it anymore!” “Tavish, leave that to me, please.” Medic’s calm voice lets Demoman calm down a bit. With a last snort, he turns away. “You know, you did something wrong?” “…no?” “No, huh? You forced us to act like Americans. You dressed us in costumes and wanted to hunt us down when we refused. Do you do that with your team?” “Don't make such a fuss! It's just once a year after all.” “Why, you…!” Demoman wants to rush upon Soldier but Sniper and Engineer can stop him. “To clarify this once and for all, we are here now. We need you-“ “Of course!” Medic breathes in and out calm before continuing. “-and you need us. That is essential. The same applies to America. What would America be without the other countries?” “………” “Everyone in this room comes from another country. Countries that are important to America or historically related to it. Let's just start with France. Spy, may I ask?” Spy's expression suggests that the Frenchman would loves to do it. “Well, my dear Soldier. You are a true American, are you?” “You bet your Frenchie ass!” “…good. Then the Statue of Liberty means something to you, right? Or as it’s called in my language La Liberté éclairant le monde.” “Which American doesn't like it? If you omit the baguette language.” “Hmph! So if you like it so much then you surely know its origin, hm?” “New York.” “No, you imbecile! The Statue of Liberty was a gift from France to America! And if you ‘ave also a lack of knowledge- it represents the Roman goddess Libertas, who stands for freedom! In ‘onor of America's independence - Fourth of July.” Soldier's jaw dropped. “I belong to the people who ‘ave made this wonderful gift to your people and you treat me like a foot soldier! Hmph!” “Oh er… Well… Thank you…” Aiméric takes a strong draft from his cigarette, and then answers calmly: “You're welcome. I could name a thousand other examples, but I think this was the most meaningful.”

“Okay, let's continue with Australia.” With a glance, Medic turns the floor over to Mundy. But he hesitates. “Oh er… I-I I'm not sure what Australia has ever done for America. I grew up on a small island. I later traveled because of my job but I was not really interested in that.” “Why didn’t you at least come up with something?” whispers Demo to him. But Mundy just shrugs helplessly. "I-I think there was once a mutual military agreement between the US, Australia and New Zealand.” “Okay, I think that's enough. Let's move on to Tavish.” Sniper's depressed. Dell pats his shoulder encouragingly. Tavish puts both hands in the sides. “America is fortunate about the thousands of Scottish immigrants.” Soldier leans his head. “Why?” “Because we have a rich culture that extends America's consciousness.” “For example?” “Our music, our pubs, our food, our martial heritage.” “I cannot stand the noise of your checkered backpack.” “That's a bagpipe!” “Scottish alcohol is too strong.” “You Americans just have a sensitive stomach.” “You eat disgusting stuff like steamed goat's mites called Hargat.” “Haggis! And it's stuffed sheep's stomachs.” “Martial heritage? This can only mean your skirts. Which men wear skirts? Under those you Scots are even naked. Well, that's probably the only thing that's not too bad…” “These are not skirts, but kilts! And the nakedness underneath means freedom.” “All this is little consciousness-expanding.” “That's just because you don’t appreciate it, and seemingly have no idea about Scotland. But someday you will.” “Don’t you still have to fight Nessie?” “I did! Long time ago… I miss the old times… *sniff*” “Great… Now we have two depressed gramps” Scout sighs. “Don’t get distracted. Heavy has something to tell you now.” The Russian rises from his place and like a sequoia he stands in the room, which makes it look quite small. “Heavy says only one thing – Russian-America.” “Wat!?” Now Soldier sits up in bed. He's curious to know how one got this name. “A Russian America? Impossible!” “No! Russian-America. That's one name. In 1867, the Russian Empire sold Alaska to America.” “That's rubbish! Alaska has always been part of America! And what does the nurse want to tell me then? Cuckoo clocks are from Germany?” Medic rolls his eyes annoyed. “At that time, Russia and America were friends.” “It just keeps getting better! That's probably wishful thinking.” Heavy ignores him. “Thanks to Russia, America has the largest exclave in the world.” “Hmph! Even if it's true, why did you call that example? Do you think, just because we have a family name, should I feel connected to Russia?” “This was a friendly gesture that still connects America with Russia today and vice versa. That's worth a lot. Especially in times like these. The cold war is at its peak. And no matter who wins. Heavy hopes that Americans and Russians will remember this gesture, not to forget that their countries can be friends and not always enemies.” It’s quiet in the room. “Wow, buddy. That was beautiful.” Engineer pats Heavy on the back amicably (actually he wanted to pat his shoulder, but the size difference...). Heavy sits back on the chair, a sign that he's done. “I hope you think about it, Soldier.” “Yeah, whatever… And what do you have to tell me? What has Germany ever done for America?” “Something very, very important. We are why July 4th became Independence Day.” “!!!” “Well, it was not Germany directly, but Prussia.” “Prussia? What's that? A country?” “It was, yes. A strong, battle-gifted, big country.” “I think I heard about that at school... But it doesn’t exist anymore, does it?” “That's right, Jeremy. Shortly before World War II, the largest part of Prussia became part of Germany. A fusion, so to speak. The rest was taken after the war by Russia and renamed.” “How about you finally come to the interesting part of the story!” “But Mon Chér. Such a story ‘as to be told in detail.” “That’s alright, Spy. At that time, when America was still ruled by England, the Americans sought help from the Prussian people. They knew about their fighting strength and their keen sense of tactics. The Americans wanted to learn from them, fine-tune their combat experiences and learn a lot about tactical strategy. And Prussia helped America. It made them strong for the upcoming fight against England and for the freedom and independence of America. And they won.” “So you really think that we, the world power, won only because we had help from Europeans?” “Exactly. Well, maybe the Americans could have done it without help. But they have asked Prussia for help, so no one can say for sure.” “Hmm… Okay. God bless Prussia! But what exactly does this have to do with Germany?” “Prussian blood flows in our veins. Earlier, I mentioned that Prussia and Germany are merged. In part... Now that Prussia is no longer, we stand for everything that Prussia has done.” Again Soldier keeps silent. "Kraut-Baguette convinced me most of all.” “Entschuldige?” “Pardon?” “Exactly!” Medic and Spy are looking at each other. “And what is now? Will you leave us alone next year and the years after that?” Jane hesitates. “Remember, Soldier. Such situations can be avoided by adhering to the most basic principles of human togetherness: decency, fairness, and respect. We are not Americans, but we live here. And we respect you Americans. And also your holidays. And your, sometimes, unbearable nonsense... And we also know that this is especially important to you. So also respect us, if we don't always speak English or do things characteristic for our country. Then we get along perfectly and something like today doesn't have to happen again. Agreed?” “Well, I guess it would be pretty boring if we were all Americans…” “You've got it, lad! Let's drink to that.” Tavish bursts out of the room, beaming with joy. Soldier puts on his faithful grin. “Oh! Where is Pyro?” “Still in his cage” answers Dell. “I thought it’s the best to leave him in there when I got the boy out of there. He almost crushed Scout to death.” “Yeah man! Don't know what's going on with this guy. He squeezed me as if I were a teddy bear.” “I think that Pyro is very sensitive and feels changes in the air immediately. And Scout, you were very upset. I think ‘e just wanted to comfort you.” “Shut up, Spy!”

Jane jumps out of bed in a good mood. “Booya! I'm hungry.” “That doesn't surprise me. You slept most of the day. It's getting dark outside.” “What? July 4th is almost over? Tomorrow we have to go back to the battlefield! No eat and no alcohol! Now it's off to the training ground! Go, go, go!” Soldier brings out his whip and pushes the other out of his room and through the corridor. “I thought I took his whip from him?” Dell wonders. “You did. I don't want to know where he got it from. Suddenly it was there!” “Shall we not correct him, Doktor?” “Not necessary. This is not Patriot-Soldier, but our caring Soldier who only wants the best for us.” “Hey, what about Halloween? We still have to talk about it!” Doe gives Mundy a big slap on the butt. “Shut up hippie and move!” While Jane droves his troops around like a cattle herd, they pass the storeroom where Demoman is just coming out, with a bottle of cider in hand. When he sees what's going on, he sets the reverse gear, but Soldier doesn't miss that. “You’re coming, too!”

October 31st – Halloween

Mundy lies on the roof of his van, his hands clasped behind his head and looks up at the sky. He has been in this position since nightfall. Waiting until this hideous day is finally over. The days before Halloween he had closely watched Soldier. He likes Halloween and he likes his Halloween costume. Because he wears it every year. A box with an antenna on its head, feet in shoeboxes, pretending to be a robot. Ridiculous! But the most ridiculous thing is that he considers him to be Merasmus on Halloween! Then he always knocks on his van to lure him out. Once he had even smashed a window of his! And this year will hardly change. Therefore, Sniper has taken precaution to move his van to another location. Here he should be safe from Soldier's rampage. On July 4, they gave Soldier a piece of his mind. Why not because of Halloween? But no, on this day does not have to suffer the whole team, but only the stupid, old Mundy! So who cares? “Hmpf! Wankers…” But if Sniper thinks about it, it's okay. Here it's quiet and peaceful. Besides, it's only once a year and Mundy can always change the locations. And it's a great change not always to stand in front of the base with his van. In lonely places like this he can even do some shooting practice (which he actually doesn't need!). So all in all not so bad that Soldier has in it for Mundy. Not that he needed an annoying Jane to go out with the van, but without him he's a bit unmotivated. He prefers to lie somewhere, his hat drawn deep in his face and dozing.

“Beep beep boop.” Mundy gasps. That cannot be… He listens more closely. Everything is so quiet. Was that already before? This silence literally kills him. Did he maybe just imagine that? He must have imagined it. Soldier cannot possibly know he's here. And how was he supposed to have come here? It's ten kilometers from the base. Mundy looks in all directions. Except for a few rocks, the area is quite assessable. However, he cannot see too far through the darkness. So it was imagination… Relieved, Mundy lies back and tries to continue where he was interrupted by his imagination. This time he pulls his hat in the face. “I need vacation.”

“Beep beep boop! I am a robot, maggot!” “………!”As if stung by an adder, Sniper jumps up, flees into his van and barricades himself there. He pulls the windows curtains shut. His heart beats painfully in his chest like a steam-hammer. “That cannot be... That just can not be...!” “Bleep, bloop. I am a robot. What is love?” The voice is much closer. And it clearly sounds like Soldier. Carefully, Mundy pushes aside one of the curtains and takes a gander but in the dark he can barely see anything. “Robot noises.” Suddenly the entire van starts to wiggle. Surprised, Sniper lurches back and forth. He falls into something and shortly thereafter it clashes. “Damn, Soldier! That was my coffee cup!” “I am a robot from the future. I was built to scare you.” “Stop shacking my van!” And indeed, Sniper's words are effective. Soldier stops and everything becomes quiet. But Mundy knows Jane is still there sneaking around his vehicle like a predator. He should go out and give him a kick in the ass, but Soldier is physically superior to him. So he has no choice but to stay here until the spook is finally over. “Come with me, if you want to live. With me. In my apartment. I need a roommate. The household is not done by itself. Beep.” “Piss off, you psycho!” “Meraaaasmuuuuuss! I will find you. That's what I do. That's all I do.” “I’m not Merasmus!” “Beep beep! The robot's natural enemy are hippies!” “Yeah, yeah. Whatever…” “MERAAAAAAAAASMUUUUUUUS!!!”

“DAMN, SOLDIER!” Suddenly, a threatening voice thunders through the valley and shakes the earth. The sky turns green. So intense that it even shines through the thick curtains. Soldier screams. Mundy glances carefully out of the window. The wizard hovers over Soldier, who keeps slightly bent in defensive posture - in his stupid costume. “Stop calling my name constantly! What do you think? And what makes you think that this ridiculous wretch in there is me? I'm not able to stand this anymore! And certainly I will not share an apartment with you EVER again!” “You were a bad roommate anyway. You were the next to take out the trash!” “I ALWAYS took out the trash! I was ALWAYS the one who made and did while you never lifted a finger! Unless, of course, you brought me trouble. For that you always had passion, time and energy!” “After all this time you're still angry about that? Bombinomicon didn't made such a fuss!” As soon as the name is pronounced, the demon book appears. “Did someone call me? Oh, Soldier! How are you?” “Hey, bomb! Do you remember the sour cream in the toilet?” “Yes! Hahaha! Merasmus sat down on it and had a very white ass afterwards!” “Hahahahah!” “Hharharhaha!” Mundy swallows when he notices Merasmus reaction. He will explode at any moment! “Enough!” BOOM! A mighty bang resounds and a moment later Snipers Van is hit by a poison green blast. The windows burst and the broken pieces tear the curtains as they spread throughout the van. The car horn goes uninterrupted, and yet Soldier's panic screams drown it out. That's going to be too hot for Sniper. No matter what happens to Jane, he will definitely disappear here. So he sneaks out of his van and jumps into the driver's cab. Even here the windows are broken and he has to sit on shards of glass. But he doesn't care. Just cut and run!! So puts the hammer down and drives away. After at least one kilometer, the crazy car horn gives up its ghost and there are still screams from Soldier to hear. Sniper stops the car, looks out of the window at the place where he fled. Neither Merasmus nor Soldier are more to see, but something different. Another explosion can be heard, from which a kilometer-high green atomic cloud emerges, which illuminates the night sky brightly. Even from this distance, Mundy can smell the sulfur. “Happy Halloween, ya rocket-hoppin' simpleton!” And with that, Sniper drives away.

The next day:

Mundy awakens in the bed of his van as the sunbeams of the hot desert shine in through the paneless windows. He sits up and stretches. Although his van was demolished, he still is in a good mood. His mood is always good after the day of the 31st of October, but this time because he's sure that he finally has his peace before Soldier. When he gets out of his van, Engie comes out of the base. When he sees him and his car, he immediately comes over to him. “What happened to your van?” “Oh that? This is the result of a night full of events.” “OK? Do you need help with the repairs?” “Would you help me with that?” “Of course.” “Thanks, mate.” “Never mind. Say, did you see Soldier? I think he did not return to Base yesterday.” “Uuummm…”

A loud bang makes the two wince. Mundy is worried that Merasmus is now haunting their base but it's not the wizard. Engineers Truck comes from the desert. “What the…?!” Dell's jaw drops and watches in disbelief as his beloved truck, completely demolished and limping, drives to the square in front of the base and stops there. Smoke escapes under the bonnet, one of the rear tires is flattened. The driver's door opens and Soldier gets out. He looks as awful as the truck. His costume is in many places eatened by fire, the antenna of his robot head is completely bent and now looks like a question mark. His left shoe is missing. Staggering, he approaches them both, takes Engie's hand and puts the car keys in there. “Thank you for lending me your truck. I have to sleep now.” And with these words, Jane scuffs like a zombie towards the base and disappears inside. Engineer still does not move. His eyes are fixed on his car. Mundy feels uncomfortable. “Well, I uh... I guess the repair on my van will probably have to wait.” The Texan still doesn’t react. With raised hands Sniper moves away. Once Dell freaks out, nobody wants to be around. Normally, he has a quiet nature, but sometimes there are situations where even a Dell hasn't himself under control. And that is just such a situation. Sniper is fed up with explosions and fortunately he reaches the base before Engie blows up.

……………………….. ……………………….. ……………………….. „DAGIT NAGIT, NABIT DAGIT! DAGNABIT, DAMNIT! DAMN, DAGNABIT! DAUUUUUGGGHHHHH!“

In the early evening of the same day:

“DAMNIT, DAMNIT, DAMNIT, DAMNIT! DARN! Grrrr… Aw, hell… Well, with a few simple steps you are as good as new again.” Engineer is on his way to his workshop. In the base he meets a good-humored Soldier, who seems to be aware of no guilt. “Oh hello, Engie! Can I borrow your wrench?” “DAGIT NAGIT, NABIT DAGIT!”

Notes: Happy Halloween! And I wish all Americans and in America living Germans, Russians, Frenchman, Scots and Australians a happy 4th of July!