#spoiler: thank u to helen for the like has powers idea

[ashesonthefloor]

you are an angel (or maybe you could’ve been) - part four

summary: Ashton is still working on coming to terms with having an angel, and the moral dilemma of whether or not thinking he’s cute is morally okay. Michael and Calum make that a little bit more difficult, part three found here, ao3 here

word count: 7,011

A/N: okay so! I am finally back from my (admittedly short) break from tumblr and wow, guess I got super inspired for this fic! I try and keep the chapters on the shorter side most of the time, but this one sort of needed some length. you’ll see why if you read it! as always, please let me know what you think! this is my (not so guilty) pleasure and I always need an excuse to scream about it <3 thank u to ms @calumcest for letting me Scream and for her big brain thots and for gifting me an Idea a million years ago ily. this is a continuation of part three, and happens right after they get home

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Ashton started dinner after they got home. He was just doing easy foods still, since Luke was wary of silverware. He figured tonight they could at least try with a spoon. It was worth a shot. So he was making Mac ‘n’ cheese, which he hadn’t actually eaten in ages - despite the very small fitness-and-health-motivated part of his brain screaming about all the carbs, and how unhealthy he was being.. “There’s a couple more Cokes in the fridge,” he said as he tossed the macaroni in to boil, pulling out the cheese for the sauce. “If you want one.”

He didn’t have to see it to know Luke smiled, hearing the fridge open. He approached Ashton with the bottle, still incapable of opening them himself. Not that Ashton minded. It was kind of sweet that he had to ask, in a weird sort of way. He didn’t mind doing it for him. He was aware how domestic they’d gotten. He was cooking for Luke, while Luke sat at the island and watched him, every bit as curious now as he had been on the first day. 

“Which song was your favourite?” He asked, glancing over his shoulder.

There was the predictable pause as Luke considered his answer, a little longer this time. “The one we danced to, I think,” he decided. “I liked dancing with you. You’re very good at it.”

Luke had so much faith in him, it was precious. “Thank you,” he said, chest feeling warm. He didn’t know how normal it was to feel so fond of someone so quickly. Or if the warmth he felt when Luke did something adorable, or complimented him, was a universal experience. Or if it was a weird angel thing. “We can always do it again sometime. There are lots of songs, and ways to dance. I’d be happy to show you.”

“I’d really like that. Thank you.” He could hear the smile in Luke’s voice, and it just made him smile in turn, stirring the macaroni.

The moment was broken by a knock at the door. Ashton frowned, turning a little bit. Who the fuck would show up at his house- oh no. There were only two people that ever needed him enough, or had enough lack of boundaries, to do something like that.

“Ashton?” He heard one of them - Michael - call through the door. “Dude, we know you’re here. Let us in or I’ll have to use the emergency key.” He knew that the only reason he hadn’t was because Calum was with him. Michael had used it before to come in and tell Ashton he was sad, he was lonely, he needed breakfast, and he wanted to nap on the couch in peace. All on separate occasions. And Ashton - damn his love for his friends - had let him. 

“What Michael means is that we’re worried about you,” Calum added. He could practically see Calum elbowing Michael for his lack of tact.

Luke gave Ashton a slightly worried look and, yeah, Ashton had thought about that too. Poor Luke probably wasn’t ready for the terror that Michael and Calum could be. They’d be overwhelming for the poor angel. But there really wasn’t a way to make them leave. They were worried, so they’d end up staying for dinner, and interrupt his time with his angel. He dumped the rest of the box of macaroni into the pot before sighing and heading to answer the door. He stopped by Luke for a moment. “It’ll be okay,” he said softly. “They’re loud and kind of stupid sometimes, but they don’t mean any harm. You can always go wait in my bedroom if you’d like-”

But he was cut off by the sound of the front door opening, Michael and Calum’s voices loud and clear in the kitchen.

“You didn’t give him enough time! What if he was naked and trying to cover his junk?” He could hear Calum ask.

“It’s not like we haven’t seen it before,” Michael quipped back. “Unimpressive. And besides, who the fuck would be naked right now? No one even showers at this hour. It’s, like, seven, so why he would be naked-”

“Maybe he’s a nudist! I might be, if I didn’t have someone over all the time because ‘his apartment is too cold’-”

“Well it is! You know your apartment is better anyway, mate, it’s rude not to share.” Michael seemed to be getting closer now, having paused their bickering to find where Ashton was.

Ashton glanced over at Luke just as Michael and Calum wandered into the kitchen. 

“Where the fuck is- Ashton!” Michael said, grinning at the other man before noticing Luke. He frowned slightly, looking at Calum, who seemed to share the same confusion, though he was far more subtle about it. “Who’s this?”

“This is Luke,” Ashton said simply, already steeling himself for the millions of questions. He wondered whether it would be better to tell the whole truth or just lie. He wondered what Luke would prefer to do. Probably tell the truth. He didn’t think lying would suit Luke too much; he already struggled grasping human concepts sometimes, creating an intricate lie to explain his uncertainty and innocence and existence in the first place might be a bit too over his head. (“He’s Mormon,” could be one lie, or “he had brain damage/amnesia and I’m taking care of him,” another. Though he doubted he’d use either.)

Michael’s nose crinkled slightly, gaze darting between Luke sitting at the island, mildly confused expression still on his face, and Ashton, standing in front of the counter with what he hoped to be an innocent look on his features. “Luke?” He repeated, a little bit hopelessly, lacking the bite of sarcasm that he almost always had. 

“Luke,” Ashton agreed, turning to give the macaroni a stir before starting on the sauce. “He’s staying with me for a while.” He turned back around just in time to see Calum and Michael exchange a look. They were, understandably, of course, worried. But Ashton really didn’t know how to explain without just explaining. Which would take a lot more work and leave all three of them needing therapy that they’d never get. Ashton knew exactly how it felt knowing that angels were real, and knowing there was no way to push for more answers. He had to give Luke time to not overwhelm him. And Calum and Michael showing up was definitely not part of the plan. 

Michael and Calum exchanged another look before Calum was stepping forward, brows drawing together in that very familiar ‘I’m worried about you’ expression that he got whenever Ashton pushed himself too hard, or stressed out too much over something that wasn’t worth it. He knew where Calum was going even before he opened his mouth. “Can we talk?” He at least had the decency to ask softly, head tilting slightly in the way that had always reminded Ashton of a puppy. “In the living room, maybe? I’m having some personal issues, and need some advice.” He wasn’t. He wanted to get Ashton alone and was being an amazing fucking person and came up with an excuse to put the blame on himself so, if Luke was a normal person, he wouldn’t be so upset. But Luke wasn’t a normal person, and Ashton was fine. 

“Yeah,” he said, glancing over at Luke. There was no way to deny Calum without worrying him and Michael more, and he really just wanted to calm them down. “Does Michael also need advice?” He raised an eyebrow at Calum, who in turn turned back to look at Michael. They seemed to have a quick conversation with nothing but minute facial expressions and quirks of the mouth. A talent they’d developed a long time ago. Ashton, too, was capable of holding the same lengthy, silent conversations with either of them. It just felt weirdly intimate to watch the two of them. It had felt like that more and more over the past couple years. Like the two of them were forming their own thing, with Ashton right on the outside edge. Which was fine, he knew they liked each other, even if they wouldn’t admit it. But it still stung. 

“Yes,” Calum finally decided. “Michael also needs personal advice.”

Ashton shook his head slightly, setting the towel he’d had on his shoulder on the counter. “Fine. Go to the living room and I’ll be there in a moment to give you two some fantastic advice.”

Calum gave him a slightly dubious look, only expressed through the creasing of his brow and downward tug at the corners of his lips. Then it was gone, and so was he, tugging Michael gently back down the hallway into the living room. 

Ashton turned to Luke. “Okay. You know Michael and Calum, right?” He asked, keeping his voice down so that hopefully the other two didn’t hear him in the other room. He came over to the island, standing across from Luke and leaning against it slightly so they were closer in height. Luke nodded at his question, curious gaze staying on Ashton’s face. “Right. They’re...wondering why you’re here. As you probably know, I haven’t really been dating or anything, and I don’t have the widest circle of friends. They know pretty much everyone I know, anyway. So they’re curious about who you are. I’m going to go talk to them and figure out what to tell them. You just...sit here, okay?”

Luke blinked at him. “Okay. You can always tell them the truth. It’s the easiest.”

Ashton chewed his lip. “Sometimes, yeah,” he agreed, unsure how to get into the nuance that came with whether lying in this specific scenario was easier, since it involved not only explaining the concept of guardian angels being real, but heaven, and his guardian angel actually being on earth. “Okay. I’ll be right back.” He squeezed Luke’s shoulder, unsure whether it was to comfort Luke or himself, before making his way into the living room. 

Michael and Calum were in the middle of a whispered conversation, turning to look at Ashton when he entered. Calum at least smiled, and greeted him warmly. “Ashton! Hey. Sorry to barge in, we didn’t mean to interrupt. You just sounded a bit off on the phone last night, and we wanted to check and see if you were doing okay.”

“Who’s the twink in the kitchen?” Michael asked, ever so subtle. 

Calum gave Michael a look, though neither him nor Ashton were really that surprised by the question. Michael was always kind of like that, blunt and a little rough around the edges. And way, way too honest at inappropriate times. That said, it didn’t stop the slight bolt of terror that went through him at the question. Even with the stupid phrasing. So, with a stroke of ingenuity, he just said “He’s not a twink.”

Michael snorted, rolling his eyes slightly. “Okay, who’s the twunk in the kitchen?” He asked instead, raising an eyebrow. 

“Way to be pedantic,” Ashton said as he tried to think of a better way to explain without them just dancing around the actual answer to the question. They wanted to know who Luke was; Ashton really didn’t want to answer. Luke was his angel, his secret. He didn’t really know what the two of them would do if he told them. Have a crisis, probably. Ashton got really close to having one any time he thought too much about the situation at hand, any time his mind lingered a little too much on the concept of Heaven and guardian angels, and less on Luke himself as a person. Which was what he tried to focus on, otherwise he was pretty sure he’d have a nervous breakdown.

“He’s either a twink or a twunk, Ashton, I don’t make the rules-”

“That’s really not the point,” Calum cut in, shooting another look at Michael who just grinned, unashamed. “We’re wondering who your friend is. Luke. That’s all.”

“He’s just…” Ashton trailed off, grasping for something to say that wasn’t the truth. Lying was made much harder by the genuine love and concern on Calum’s face. He should’ve focused on Michael instead. “He needs a place to stay for a while, so he’s crashing here.”

“Okay,” Calum said, brows drawing together and lips pulling down into the slight pout they always did when he was confused or thinking or worried. “But who is he, Ash? He had to come from somewhere.”

Was this what drowning felt like? He was pretty sure this was what drowning felt like. The truth was much harder to explain than any lie would be, but his brain wasn’t functioning enough to come up with a half decent one. He was distracted, both by the sudden appearance of his best friends and their just as sudden - though justified - interrogation, and the memory of Luke’s hand, warm in his own, his happy giggle when he twirled him around-

“Hello? Earth to Ashton,” Michael said with a frown, waving a hand in front of Ashton’s face. “Dude, what’s up with you?”

Calum’s concerned expression didn’t shift. “Should we sit down?”

“Yeah, mate. Do you need to sit?” Things were bad if even Michael was being concerned.

“I’m fine,” Ashton insisted. He was the furthest thing from fine. He was going to have to tell the truth and he was going to seem absolutely insane. He’d have to trust that they wouldn’t go running right out the door as soon as he told them the truth, wouldn’t immediately try and get him in to a therapist-

“Okay. So who’s Luke?” Michael asked.

“My guardian angel,” Ashton answered bluntly. Their reactions were pretty much what he’d expected, both of them turning to look at each other, expressions caught between concerned and bewildered.

“Your what?” Michael was first to speak, eyebrows pulled together in surprise and alarm. He seemed about as dubious as Ashton would expect.

“My guardian angel. Look, I know how it looks, okay? I sound crazy. But he showed up the other day, and proved it, and I’m not going to doubt-”

“Ashton,” Calum interrupted, voice soft and steady, resting a gentle but reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I think you’re tired. Do you want a nap? I think you’ve been pushing yourself a little too hard lately, and it could do you some good.”

“No, I don’t need a nap, Cal. I’m fine. Really. I’ve been sleeping perfectly fine.” Why was Calum such a good person? It would be infuriating if he didn’t love him so much. 

Calum was not swayed, glancing at Michael for a split second before his warm brown eyes were back on Ashton, soft, loving, and concerned. “Do you want me to drive you down and you can sign in for a seventy-two hour hold? There’s no shame in it, Ash, especially if you think your mental health is suffering.”

Ashton frowned. “What? No, I’m fine. I’m serious, he’s an angel, he proved it and everything.”

Michael exchanged a quick look with Calum before fixing his level gaze on Ashton. “So prove it.”

Expecting to argue further, Ashton was taken aback. “What?”

“You said he proved it,” Michael said simply. “So have him prove it.”

Ashton blinked. That would probably help his case a lot. But was it really better to have them lose their minds and have existential crises than think he was crazy? Probably not, but he didn’t want to lose their friendship. “Uh. Okay.” 

Calum carefully removed his hand from his shoulder. He’d appreciated the gesture, really, and that Calum was just trying to offer him comfort, but he was glad to have it gone. It had just made him antsy.

He led both guys back into the kitchen, unable to stop the soft smile that came across his face at the sight that greeted him. Luke had, at some point, gotten up and gone over to the stove. So now he was stirring the macaroni with a look of concentration on his face, brows drawn together slightly, and lips pulled down into an almost pout. And in that moment, Ashton felt absolutely, ridiculously, fond. 

“Luke,” he said softly, almost sad to break his concentration and pull him away. The blonde looked over and gave him a sweet smile, clearly pleased to have him back.

“Hi,” he greeted, voice just as soft, but happy. “Sorry, it seemed like I needed to, um…”

“Oh shit, did it boil over?” Ashton frowned, making his way over and gently nudging Luke with his hip to get to the pasta, fitting in next to him with ease. He turned the heat off and moved the pasta off the burner since it seemed done, and hopefully they’d be eating soon.

Michael cleared his throat, still not anywhere close to subtle. Not that he’d ever been, in their almost lifelong friendship. So it wasn’t like Ashton was surprised, exactly. But he was buzzing with nerves, unsure where this situation was going to go or what was going to happen. And Ashton really hated the unknown, hated not having any sort of control. This situation was his absolute nightmare. He was pretty sure he’d woken up in a cold sweat over much less than this, anyway. Trying to explain the unexplainable, at risk of losing himself, Luke, and both of his closest friends? Horrible. 

“Right. Luke, you’re an angel, right?” He asked, looking at Luke instead of their audience. Either way, he could still feel Michael and Calum’s stares, heavy on his very soul.

Luke looked marginally confused before nodding. “I am,” he confirmed. There was a stretch of silence after he spoke before he added “A guardian angel,” just for clarification and good measure.

“Right,” Ashton said again. “Can you...prove that? To them? Please?”

Ashton tried to keep his gaze on Luke’s face, even as Luke looked over at him, mild confusion on his face, before he nodded again. He stepped forward, putting a bit of space between him and the counter. Between blinks, his wings seemed to materialize, blindingly white even in the soft light of Ashton’s kitchen. Ashton stepped forward to stand next to Luke. Only then did he turn his gaze to his two best friends.

As predicted, they looked like they were in the throes of two separate but parallel existential crises. 

“What the fuck?” Michael asked, eyes glued to Luke’s wings. “Are they- they’re not, like, real are they? You got- you two are just fucking with us?”

Luke shook his head, only seeming to exacerbate Michael’s misery. Good, some part of Ashton thought. Revenge for being overbearing. But then the rational part of him overrode that, reminding him that they just loved and cared about him. They’d been concerned. And now Ashton would have to repay the favour. 

“I’m sure you have a bunch of questions. So I’ll tell you what I know. This is Luke. He showed up three days ago in the pouring rain and told me he’s a guardian angel. He’s staying here for the foreseeable future, since there’s a rule about angels not visiting us. And for good reason, since I’m gonna bet you’re feeling the same way I did. Anyway, he’s staying here now. He doesn’t know a whole lot about humans, but he’s still a person with thoughts, feelings, and emotions and I’ll kick your ass if you’re rude. No, you can’t argue with that. No questions for him at the moment.” He paused, trying to think of anything else to add. “He says guardian angels are there to watch out for us and make sure we stay okay, basically. Which means I guess all of us have guardian angels. I don’t know a whole lot more.”

Both of them just stared. “So…” Calum finally started, gaze shifting to Luke’s wings, eyeing where his left one kept brushing Ashton where they stood almost shoulder to shoulder. “They’re...real?”

Ashton nodded. “Yeah. They are.” He turned to look at Luke. “Can I touch them?” It was better, he thought, to ask and make sure. They seemed very sensitive, and personal, and he didn’t want to overstep any boundaries. 

Luke nodded again. “Yes, you can.”

“Can you turn around for me?” He asked gently, stepping back to give him room to do so. He wanted to show Michael and Calum that they were, in fact, connected to Luke’s body. Once Luke did, he brushed his fingers lightly over the back of his wing. He smiled slightly when it fluttered beneath his fingertips. “Sorry,” he murmured. “I know it tickles.”

“It’s okay,” was Luke’s equally soft answer. “I like it.”

Ashton grinned despite himself, warmth blooming again in his chest. He was glad his back was turned to his best friends, or he’d likely be mocked for his clear fondness. Or they’d be too distracted with the earth shattering information he was giving them. They’d never know. He ran his fingers closer, turning his body a little so the other two could clearly see as he ran his finger down to the base of the wing. “See?” He said, turning to look at Michael and Calum. “They’re real.”

“I guess so,” Michael said after a minute, eyes still on where Ashton’s hand lingered on Luke’s wing. Ashton pulled back after a moment, resting his hand on Luke’s shoulder gently to turn him back around.

“I told you,” Luke said, wings fluttering slightly. Maybe with nerves. Ashton couldn’t tell if he enjoyed all the attention on him. “I’m an angel. Ashton’s angel.”

“Do you know my angel?” Michael blurted out, breaking one of the only rules Ashton had actually set. He seemed to say it before he even really thought about it, if the pink tint on his face afterward was anything to go by.

Luke tilted his head, considering the question. “Yes,” he said after a moment, with a nod. “I do.”

Michael blinked, looking ready to ask him another question before Calum cut him off. “Do you know mine?” He gave Ashton an apologetic look - though clearly not apologetic enough if he still asked the question.

Again, Luke considered the question. “Yes,” he said again. “ I do. I know both of your angels.”

“What’s mine like?” Michael asked before Ashton could shoot him a warning look. He did it anyway, figuring he’d probably want to ask another stupid question. “Are they nice?”

Luke tilted his head. “He is, in a way,” he answered simply. “Very laidback most of the time. Enjoys conversation.”

“What about mine?” Calum asked, again way too eager for the apologetic look he sent Ashton’s way. He didn’t spare him from getting a look anyway, even if he was curious about Luke’s answer. And this really just solidified Luke as an angel. There was something...wrong, almost, about him standing in his kitchen, wings out and looking every bit the angel Ashton knew he was. He was wrapped in a glimmer, kind of, something not really perceptible that wasn’t there in the same way when his wings weren’t out. Ashton decided to stop thinking about it.

“He’s sweet. Not very loud. I got along with him when I saw him.”

Michael crinkled his nose. “Are there not any women angels?” Ashton shot him another warning look, though, yeah, he did kind of have a point.

“There are,” he conceded. “But gender matters less to the higher ranking angels. There are only ‘men’ archangels, but that’s how it was when Heaven started, so it has become tradition. Tradition doesn’t get changed.”

When Michael started to ask another question, Ashton was quick enough, this time, to cut him off. “I think that’s enough questions for today. I think we all have enough to think about without dealing with more.” He shivered slightly, feeling Luke’s wing brush against his back when he shifted. “Right. So. I made extra Mac n cheese, if you guys are interested in dinner.”

Michael glanced at Calum before nodding, always easily bribed by food. He grinned a little, still clearly shaken by the onslaught of information he’d just gotten. “Do we have to say grace if there’s already an angel in our presence?”

Calum snorted and Ashton gave him a look. Luke just looked at Ashton with a confused expression. “Grace is asking God to bless your food before you eat it,” Ashton explained before he had to ask. He’d never said it, which was probably why Luke was confused. He really didn’t know how an angel of all people was confused by the idea of grace, but he wasn’t going to say anything. “I’m not really religious, so I don’t say it. And I don’t think I actually ever have.”

Luke nodded, seemingly satisfied with the answer. His wings fluttered slightly again, feathers brushing against Ashton’s back.

“Right,” Ashton said into the silence. “Michael, Calum, why don’t you, uh, grab food first? Then I can grab some for Luke and I afterward.” He took Luke’s hand to move him forward, towards the back kitchen wall, letting Calum and Michael move around them to the counter. Calum glances over at him, expression only slightly confused, before he was stepping up to grab food, him and Michael very quietly murmuring to each other. 

“You can put your wings away now,” Ashton said, voice soft and gentle. Luke glanced over at him and, somehow, when Ashton blinked his wings were gone. “They’re pretty, but I don’t want to freak them out too much.” He nodded towards his friends, still keeping his voice down so they didn’t hear him. 

Luke turned a light shade of pink. “Thank you.”

Ashton convinced himself that he felt absolutely nothing about it. He was completely neutral, and his stomach wasn’t flipping aroundin a weird out of control sort of way. Luke was probably just...cold or something. Though he was still holding his hand - why hadn’t he dropped it yet? - and he could attest that he was very, very warm. 

“Are we sitting at the table?” Calum asked, turning to look at Ashton. 

“Uh...yeah. That’ll work well. You guys take a seat and we’ll be there in a second.” After Michael and Calum exchanged another look, speaking to each other silently with nothing but quirked eyebrows, they left for the table. 

Ashton gently moved Luke up to the counter with him. And that was when he realized something that he probably should have earlier. Not that he was still holding his hand, but that Luke really didn’t know how to use silverware. And they were eating Mac n cheese, something that definitely required silverware. And that would definitely freak Calum and Michael out. He couldn’t very well eat it with his hands. He’d need help. Which had been the point in the first place, but it was less about teaching him now, and was more of a hindrance having to feed and help him in front of an audience. He felt his face heat up a little at the thought. 

Luke’s gaze was, as usual, heavy on his face. “Ashton?” He said, tilting his head. And that was enough to snap him out of it. 

“Yeah?” He asked, looking at Luke. 

“Just checking,” Luke said, as though that explained anything at all, and turned his gaze to the macaroni, sparing Ashton. 

“Right.” He gently let go of Luke’s hand, going ahead and dishing up some of the food for Luke and handing the bowl to him before serving himself some. “This is Mac n cheese. We eat it with a spoon. It’s...there’s no good way to eat it with your hands. I can help you with it, though.” They’d just have to ignore Michael and Calum. 

Luke nodded a little bit, seeming to just go along with what Ashton said. At least he seemed to understand it, so he was spared from trying to figure out another way of explaining. He led him over to the table, sitting down and getting the two of them situated. 

“So you said he’s been here three days?” Michael asked, eyeing Luke before looking at Ashton, since he was the one he’d actually been asking. 

“This is really good, Ash,” Calum said, not unused to being the peacemaker. Only because Michael had the fabulous talent of pissing off everyone except Calum. Even Ashton, who was fairly patient. Or he liked to think he was, at least. It was only because Calum was so smitten with Michael that he let him be a dick without much consequence. 

“Thanks,” Ashton said, deciding to answer Calum first. “It’s homemade. And yeah, Michael, he has been.”

Michael nodded and, for once, fell silent. Ashton shifted his chair to help Luke with his spoon. It only took a couple tries - and a demonstration - before he started trying to use it himself. He was just...mildly apprehensive, which Ashton chalked up too him having an audience while trying to figure out how to be human. It was probably not the most conducive environment to learn. 

They fell into quiet silence after his tutoring, all of them content to just eat. Luke leaned against him a little, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. It was sweet. 

“So he’s been living here?” Michael finally piped up, eyes on Ashton. 

“Yes, Michael,” he said, finally starting to get just a little exasperated. “He has been.”

“So where’s he been sleeping?” 

Ashton looked up, catching the cocky, coy smirk on Michael’s face that made it clear he thought he’d won something. He turned light pink, trying to figure out a half decent answer. 

“So he has been in your bed,” he said triumphantly, grinning with the discovery. He was like an eight year old gloating over figuring out his parents were married. It was ridiculous. Calum seemed to agree, since he gave him a look. 

Ashton - and Calum, for that matter - didn’t even have time to come up with a witty remark before Luke was speaking up. “It’s okay,” he reassured, blue eyes landing on Ashton. “He’s jealous.”

Michael’s expression soured immediately. “I’m not fucking jealous-“

“Don’t fucking curse at my angel-“ Ashton cut in immediately, giving him a look. 

Luke continued, seemingly unbothered. “He just wishes Calum loved him back.” 

And that had all of them falling silent, three pairs of eyes landing on Luke. Who, to his credit, seemed miraculously unaffected and just continued to eat his Mac n cheese. 

“What did you say?” Calum asked, only slightly flustered. 

“Michael loves you.”

“I-I mean, yeah, Calum’s my best mate,” Michael said after an awkwardly long stretch of silence. His face was just a little too pink for him to be believable. Not that Ashton would’ve believed him anyway. He’d watched the two of them run circles around each other for years. Apparently it was so obvious that even Luke, who didn’t understand anything human, could notice. 

Luke shook his head a little, leveling his gaze on Michael’s pink face. “No. Not like that.” Ashton had been on the other side of Luke’s unwavering gaze before. It was no wonder Michael was squirming a little under its weight. 

“Yeah, like that. How would you know anyway?” Michael grumbled, starting to take on that sullen tone he got when he didn’t get his way. Like when Ashton insisted on eating anything other than pizza. 

“Because I know what you need. I can feel it.” Luke’s gaze dropped again, freeing Michael, as he turned his attention back to his Mac n cheese. He seemed more interested in that than the earth shattering revelations he was giving. 

“You can feel what people need?” It was Ashton’s turn to ask, bewilderment clear on his face. He’d had an angel for three days and still knew almost nothing about him. Maybe he should say fuck being nice and taking things slow and gentle and actually start asking him questions. 

Luke looked over at him for a second. “Yes.” He took another bite of his Mac n cheese. “This is good.”

Ashton just looked at him. “Thank you.” He paused for a moment, mind moving a little too fast for even him to keep up with it. “What do I need?” He asked, regretting it almost as soon as it left his mouth. Though, to be fair, he probably couldn’t feel any more embarrassed than Mikey, who was slumping down in his seat, face still pink.

“A hug,” Luke said simply, still completely unaware of the effect he was having on everyone else. 

And it was Ashton’s turn to blush - though he’d vehemently deny it if anyone tried to ask about it. “A hug?”

Luke nodded. “A hug.” He took another bite of his Mac n cheese. 

“You said Michael wants me to love him back.” Calum had been silent until now, expression thoughtful and serious. His voice was soft, and it was clear he was still thinking everything over. “What does that mean?”

Luke looked at Calum, now, tilting his head just a little. It made his curls shift. Ashton shoved away the automatic impulse to tuck them behind his ear. “He loved you. He wants you to love him back.”

“Can we stop with the stupid love talk?” Michael asked, though his voice was high pitched in the way it got every time he was thoroughly embarrassed, trying to hide behind his ‘nothing bothers me’ persona. His face was red, and it was clear Luke was on to something. 

“Mikey, it’s fine,” Ashton soothed. “Really. None of us care. It’s not a big deal.” And that was probably the wrong thing to say. 

“I care,” Calum said, still in that thoughtful, soft tone of voice. 

“Fuck this.” Michael shoved himself back from the table, making his way out of the room. 

Calum watched him go. He spared barely a glance for Luke and Ashton before he was leaving after Michael, though much quieter and without making a scene. 

Ashton and Luke sat quietly for a few moments before Ashton spoke up again. “You can really sense what people need?”

Luke nodded and took a bite of his Mac n cheese. Ashton would have to make it for him again, he seemed like he really liked it. “Yes. I know when you need sleep. Or food.”

“Or a hug,” Ashton added, since that was what he’d said to him earlier. 

Luke looked over at him. “Or a hug,” he agreed.

Ashton still didn’t really think he needed a hug. Or anything else, for that matter.  But he wasn’t going to argue with Luke’s divine wisdom. Or whatever it was. “I’m going to go ahead and start cleaning up. I doubt they’ll be back anytime soon. If at all. You go ahead and keep eating.” 

He stood and started picking up the other dishes. He absentmindedly ruffled Luke’s hair and, oh, he’d have to do that again. Just because of the way Luke’s face lit up a little, his fair skin going light pink, before he ducked his head down and busied himself with his food again. Ashton grinned to himself and made his way over to start putting the dishes into the dishwasher. 

“So what else can you do? As an angel, I mean,” Ashton asked, glancing over at Luke. 

There was a long pause before his answer. He was used to it, though. “I don’t know. Things are different down here.”

Ashton nodded a little, continuing with what he was doing. “I guess that makes sense. Being here rather than in heaven probably changes things. But hey, it’s not a big deal. We can figure it out as we go.” He gave Luke a smile, pleased to get one in return. 

“That sounds nice.” Luke finished his food and brought the dishes over to Ashton, who rinsed them out and stuck them in the dishwasher. There was a pregnant pause as Ashton mulled things over in his mind. 

“You really knew Michael was in love with Calum?” It wasn’t difficult to notice. But Luke wasn’t the most perceptive, since he didn’t really understand humans very well, and social cues were not his strong suit. 

Luke nodded. “All he wants is for Calum to love him back the same way.”

Ashton smiled. Just a little. “He’s been like that for years. Been pining after Calum. They’ve both been kind of awful, really. They’re not very subtle. So sometimes being around them feels like third wheeling, even though they’re not officially together.” He didn’t know what had him revealing personal things like that. Something about Luke just...invited honesty. He felt like he could tell him almost anything. Almost. “How’s Calum feel about it?”

Luke’s gaze stayed on his face, giving Ashton the slightly unnerving feeling of him staring straight into his soul. Like he knew exactly what he was thinking, and feeling. And, since he apparently knew what people needed, there was the possibility that he did. “He loves him too.”

Ashton smiled a little, leaning against the counter. “That’s good. At least they have each other.” He fell quiet, looking over at the doorway leading out towards the living room, and the door into his apartment. He wondered just how well their conversation was going. He hoped beyond all hope that they could work it out, that that information being dropped on them by a third party didn’t hinder them at all. He wanted them to get together, really. 

There was some part of him, though, that was selfishly wondering about himself. What about happen to him once - if - they got together? What would happen to their friendship? It would become Michael-and-Calum and then Ashton. He couldn’t blame them - of course not, he supported them - but he was worried. A tiny part of him always had been since he’d realized they liked each other. He’d just done well at suppressing it. 

He startled a little, yanked out of his thoughts, when Luke wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in close. “What are you doing?” He asked, unable to keep the surprised tremor out of his voice. 

“You seemed like you needed a hug,” Luke replies, soft and sure of himself. He held him close until Ashton wrapped his arms around him in turn, letting him be wrapped in Luke’s warmth and the calm that came with it. He didn’t know if it was an angel thing, or just a Luke thing.

It took a moment before Ashton really let himself relax into it, melting into the comfort that was Luke. He was surprisingly good at hugging for someone who held himself so awkwardly half of the time. Luke didn’t lean in, the way he normally did, but gently tried to reverse them so Ashton leaned, letting Luke support his weight. It didn’t work out so easily - Ashton didn’t think he needed a hug as badly as Luke thought he did, though deep down he knew he was just being a dick and the hugging was really nice - but it was sweet. 

Ashton didn’t know how long they stood there like that, with Luke holding him gentle but firm, like he was trying to take away everything that had ever hurt him. But eventually they were interrupted by a cough. One that was clearly fake and meant to announce someone’s presence. 

He turned to look, (reluctantly) loosening his hold on Luke. And there was Calum and Michael. “So you two worked it out, then?” He was glad. He was hoping they would. 

Calum was the one to speak first. “Yeah. We did. I think...we’re going to go now, though.” The rest was left unspoken. It didn’t have to be said; they were going to go figure out what this meant for them. “I just didn’t want to leave without saying something.”

“I told you he could’ve figured it out,” Michael grumbled. Ashton didn’t hold it against him; he was embarrassed, so he was being a dick. He’d always been like that. At least he didn’t say anything about Luke hugging him. 

Calum just shushed him, nudging his shoulder against his in a quiet reprimand. “We’ll see you soon? We’ll have to do dinner again. I think Michael will want to show Luke pizza.”

That had Michael lighting up a bit. “He’ll like it. There’s absolutely nothing better. Literal heaven on earth.” He grinned, pleased with his cheesy, ironic joke. Calum, like a good friend, snorted. 

“Yeah. I’ll give you a call later, Ash,” Calum finished. 

“Sounds good. Talk to you later, then.” It wasn’t final. It didn’t sound final. But things would be different when they were together again. He only hoped it would be different in a good way. 

When Calum turned to leave, Ashton didn’t miss the way he took Michael’s hand, lacing their fingers together to pull him along with him. His heart ached, just a little, for familiarity like that. 

“They love you,” Luke said, gaze still on the empty doorway where they’d just been standing. “And they’ll always love you. They just need to be able to love each other, too.” He turned his brilliant blue gaze, ever so knowing, to Ashton’s face. He tried not to show any reaction; he didn’t even know how to react to that. 

“Yeah,” he finally said, meeting Luke’s gaze. “I know.”

Luke was quiet for a long moment, gaze lingering on his face. “Okay,” he said simply. Ashton honestly didn’t know what was going on in his head. “Is it time to sleep?”

Ashton just nodded a little. It was early still, but there was no harm in getting a little extra sleep. Maybe it would do him some good. “Yeah. I think it is.” He turned back to Luke and gave him a smile, yanking himself out of his thoughts. Getting lost in his head now wouldn’t do either of them any good. Besides, whatever happened, happened. All he could do now was focus on his angel.

[clockworkopera]

FURTHER LORD OF SHADOWS THEORIES: (Part 4)

Disclaimer: My theories are built not just on the Dark Artifices, but from all the previous books as a whole, and will contain SPOILERS if you haven’t read them. These ideas are based solely on book canon.

(edit: This was written before LoS was released. Some ideas might be a little outdated, but still interesting! Especially on the Nature of Parabatai Magic--we still don’t have an explanation for that)

On the Nature of Parabatai Magic – Mirror Magic (This is in some ways a continuation of Part 1)

Will in TID: “You were the mirror of my soul. I saw the good in me in you. In your eyes alone I found grace.”

Theory: The reason their bond so powerful because they mirror back to each other’s angelic power through love. The stronger the love, the more power is reflected. This is good to an extent. Philia and agape are both good loves and that love allows for the magnification of rune power. That’s why runes on parabatai are ten times stronger, or the reason they can wear runes normal Shadowhunters can’t. But, drop the barriers of Eros and then it becomes exponentially greater. Ten to the tenth.

When Emma and Julian are on the beach: (LM pg422) “they were kissing as if they were trying to tear down the bars that held them inside a prison.” (LM pg424) “Fire raced up and down Emma’s veins as the barriers between the vanished;”

Passion, or a magical upgrade? Afterwards, they slept through Malcolm’s presence. Julian dressed her in sandy jeans and she still didn’t wake. Did a new power settling through them render them temporarily unconscious and they thought it was sleep? (LM pg425) “Emma slept, by the side of the ocean. And she had no nightmares.”

Fear drops the barriers too. When Emma saved Julian’s life with a rune, (LM pg272) “Something in her chest seemed to split and crack; she marveled that it wasn’t audible. Energy raced along her veins and the stele moved in her hand…” and “they’d been children in the dark together once but now they were something else, something intimate and powerful, something Emma felt she was touching only the very edge of as she finished the rune and the stele fell from her fingers.” This followed by Emma: (LM pg275) “I feel dizzy.” And: “Her skin felt supersensitized too, as if she would jump or scream the moment someone touched her. She nearly did scream when the waitress returned to get their orders. She just stared until Julian ordered…looking at her worriedly. A-R-E-Y-O-U-A-L-L-R-G-H-T?”

I’m still not sold that this will lead to madness, although the seeds of possibility are there.

(LM pg659) Jem: “It was not long after the ritual had been in use for some generations,” Jem said, lowering his voice, “that it was discovered that if the bond was too close, if it tipped into romantic love—then it would begin to warp.”

***But, doesn’t this mean that everything was also fine for a few generations? So, how could it go so wrong?

Cassandra Clare answering a Parabatai question on Tumblr: “Yes, Valentine came to hate Luke and even wanted him dead, while they were still Parabatai. Parabatai who are bitter enemies are an interesting phenomenon, since it inverts the purpose of the ritual and turns something angelic into something borderline demonic.”

But, what if they mirrored back mutual negative attributes?

For example, if Luke wasn’t the kind of person he was, and he and Valentine loved each other with a passion no barriers could hold? How powerful would Valentine have been then? Would even the Angel, Raziel, have been able to stop him in that case?

Every person and every couple has a range of good and bad in them. Love tempers hate, but even Emma and Julian aren’t wholly immune:

(COHF pg143) “I hope they catch him alive, (Sebastian)” said Emma, her eyes on Julian’s. “I hope they kill him in Angel Square so we can all watch him die, and I hope it’s slow.”

              “Emma,” said Helen, sounding shocked, but Julian’s blue-green eyes echoed Emma’s own fierceness back to her without a hint of disapproval. Emma had never loved him so much as she did in that moment, for reflecting back to her even the darkest feelings in the depths of her own heart. ***

There are additional dangers as well: Fast forward to LM when they are going to the Lottery:

(LM pg327) Emma pushed the passenger-side door open and whistled. “Mark. You look amazing.”

              Mark glanced down at himself, surprised. A surge of prickly heat ran up the insides of Julian’s wrists.

--And when it was time to rune up… (LM pg330): He started on the second rune, and Emma felt a slight biting sting as the stele moved. She frowned. Usually, though runes could sting or burn when applied, runes placed on you parabatai didn’t hurt. In fact, they were almost pleasant—it was like being wrapped in the protection of friendship, the sense that someone else had sealed their dedication to you onto your skin. Strange for it to hurt.

How easy is it to twist? Emma is telling Julian lies and that will invoke guilt. Julian is jealous, but also betrayed. They both need to hide their feeling from everyone they love in addition to the Clave. They aren’t going to have an easy time navigating this and the exponential mirror of those feelings could easily warp what could have been a purer love.

The seeds are absolutely there, both for love and for destruction. Julian and Emma will need to decide what to nurture and what to weed out.

Alt Theory: The reflected magic becomes too strong for either of them to control and if they are caught in a feedback loop of ever increasing power that will eventually destroy them. If not caught early enough and separated their only choice is to go to the Silent Brothers and Iron Sisters, where their runes work as magical circuit breakers and the excess power is bled off to power the Shadowhunters weapons.

Alt Theory: It is just as Jem said and they have no choice but to go mad. But, the Blackthorns study the Greeks: “The greatest blessings granted to mankind come by way of madness, which is a divine gift” (Socrates).

Alt Theory: One could become a downworlder. No one considers this idea because to be a Shadowhunter means everything to Emma, while being able to stay with his family means everything to Julian. But, Julian could die to become a vampire and that could be one of CC’s deaths

POSSIBLE HISTORICAL SCENARIO:

DISCLAIMER: Cassandra Clare warns of becoming too attached to any one theory; that we can’t enjoy the reality when it comes. I’m guilty here because in my head I can’t let go of a link with the Silent Brothers and Iron Sisters so I came up with a possible historical scenario. If you like that kind of stuff continue reading: but it reads more like an outline for fanfic. Further down the crackpot road we go…

Jonathan Shadowhunter and David were the first Parabatai. And the words of the oath reflect more of marriage vows. They were in love and able to do great things and create the first version of Shadowhunter society with that power. Much of the early Shadowhunter’s magical history is in the care of the Silent Brothers and the Codex is very vague as to where their magic came from. They did not keep this blessing to themselves though and offered it to others in the form of the Parabatai ceremony.

Things were fine for a few generations.

Then a pair went bad. It would have been devastating to their society. A lot of people probably died trying to stop them, much in the way a lot of people died trying to stop Valentine and Sebastian. At that point, were they even too powerful to be killed?

The remaining matched Parabatai sacrificed themselves in order to contain the rogue pair and the best solution they could think of was prisons beneath the City of Bones. (Codex pg214) “The prisons of the Silent City can hold the living, the undead, and the dead; they are designed to constrain all creatures, however magical.” The Clave couldn’t take the risk of another potential disaster and made the law banning Eros love between parabatai.

In a combination of 1) We need wardens strong enough to hold the prisons sealed and 2) what do we do with all these other matched pairs: The Clave created the Silent Brothers and Iron Sisters.

David, a leading by example sort, became the first Silent Brother—maybe sending Jonathan Shadowhunter out to find an alternative solution. (Abigail also became the first Iron Sister, so it makes me wonder if they were in a triumvirate) Up till now, none has been found. And if Julian and Emma want to remain together and be Shadowhunters they will be the ones who must figure it out.

The magically upgraded Parabatai power of the Silent Brothers and Iron Sisters are still essential to Shadowhunters. They make the steles for marks, the seraph blades, the wards, witchlights. What would happen if they weren’t there to make those things for the Shadowhunters?

(Codex pg194) For the Silent Brothers: “In exchange for their special abilities, they have given up some of their humanity…”

If a piece of their humanity is amputated from them; they’ve been permanently separated from their parabatai; they’ve lived long enough by centuries to watch all their family die; all the while searching for an alternative that never materialized. How long can hope survive?

All these factors twist something that may have started as noble into something else. Their physical appearance is mutilated and monstrous (especially to Downworlders and Mundanes who have not been indoctrinated to think any differently), but does the outside appearance reflect of what’s going on the inside?

(Codex pg216) For the Iron Sisters: “In the floor is a black circle in which is carved the sigil of the Iron Sisters: a heart pierced by a blade.”

***I’m grappling with Emma and Julian (and presumably the rest of the Blackthorns) forgetting Jem and Tessa’s wedding for Part 5. I have vague thoughts of my own, but would like to hear what other people think.

Thanks.