#spoiler warning if you haven't figured it out:

[triptuckers]

you're not alone - bob reynolds

Request: nope Pairing: bob reynolds x reader Summary: when you wake up early, you find out you're not the only one who's awake Warnings: THUNDERBOLTS SPOILERS !! bit of angst (happy ending I promise), mentions of nightmares, mentions of past trauma, loss of loved ones, bob being a lil sad :( Word count: 2.5K A/N: listen it's very simple. I saw thunderbolts. I saw lewis pullman. that's it. enjoy!

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your eyes snap open as you blindly reach for the knife you keep under your pillow. but instead of an intruder, your blade meets empty space.

the only sound in your dimly lit room is your heavy breathing. damn these stupid nightmares. you were close to asking yelena if she could just knock you out so you could get some sleep.

you return the knife and lay back down.

but now that you're awake, and adrenaline is coursing through your body, it's hard to go back to sleep again. you haven't really spoken about it to anyone, but you know you're not the only one who has nightmares.

yours got worse after a mission was intense or had nearly gone wrong. you'd been doing the odd job here and there for valentina when she'd send you to go after someone who was going to rob one of her facilities.

but when you finally made it to the vault, you weren't met with just any robber. instead, you were met with a bunch people who seemed to have gotten the exact same assignment as you.

you were all there to kill each other. messy ends tying up themselves. after all, doing the dirty work was what you were good at. it's what you were trained for. follow orders, go in and out quickly, get the job done.

but instead of fighting these people, you worked together once you figured out valentina's real plan.

the next couple of days were a whirlwind of adrenaline, fighting, a lot of confusion and very little sleep.

you'd been trying to catch up on rest now that you've got a room in the former avengers tower, but after reliving your worst memories, the nightmares came back stronger and more intense than ever. all the details were there now, and you couldn't forget them.

you finally had a place where you could safely rest, and yet you didn't get more than two hours of sleep a night - if you were lucky.

you're looking around the room now. devoid of personality. you didn't have many personal belongings to take with you. mostly the weapons you carried and the clothes on your back.

taking yelena's advice, you'd gotten dark curtains to keep out the light. she said it helped her fall asleep. it didn't really help you much, but you were grateful for her advice nonetheless.

there's a dim glow coming from a gap in the curtains. you push the sheets off of you and walk over to the window.

way down below, new york was slowly waking up. people on their way to their work, or out on an early morning run. you glance over your shoulder at the alarm clock. almost 5 am. not too bad. it's more morning than night, and you decide that's acceptable for today.

you pull on a pair of socks and blindly grab a sweater. maybe you could use the extra time you got now by planning in an extra training session. it always helped clear your mind after a short night filled with bad dreams.

the hallway is dark when you exit your room. as you make your way to the kitchen, you wonder what else you could do today. there weren't any missions for you planned.

bucky was off on an assignment with sam, and alexei hadn't been home for a little over a week. maybe you could ask yelena or ava if they were up for a sparring session.

you enter the kitchen, not bothering to turn on the big light as you open the fridge.

the light seeps out and illuminates a figure standing on the other end of the kitchen island.

you reach for the nearest kitchen knife as bob turns on the light.

'jesus.' you breathe. 'bob. you scared me.'

'sorry!' says bob, visibly upset that he startled you. 'I'm sorry! I thought you saw me.'

'you're good, don't worry about it.' you say, returning the kitchen knife. 'I'm just a little jumpy, that's all.'

'I was about to make breakfast, do you want some as well?' asks bob.

'yeah sure, that sounds nice.' you say. 'thanks.'

bob walks over to you and smiles. somehow you didn't understand how someone like bob could also be the void. the two seemed so different from each other.

you make coffee as bob gets started on breakfast for the two of you. you pour a cup for bob and slide it over to him. then you take your own cup and move to sit at the kitchen island.

'what were you doing up this early?' he asks.

'couldn't sleep.' you say.

'nightmares?'

'yes.'

there's no point in lying. everyone here has nightmares. you'd be terrified of one of your new roommates if they didn't. you didn't live a life like the one you did and be able to sleep at night.

'want to talk about it?' says bob.

you really appreciate bob. he's always helping you, telling you he'll listen to you. always the first to welcome you back when you return to the tower after a mission. and right now, he's making you breakfast.

but as much as you appreciate him, reliving your worst trauma's because of the void was something that felt too personal to share. especially since bob doesn't remember anything.

you'd told him about the day the void had half of new york trapped in their most traumatic moments. you figured he deserved to know. you also knew he felt terrible about it, and you didn't want to remind him of it.

'no, it's fine.' you say.

bob nods as he turns around and sets a plate with eggs in front of you, as well as some toast.

'thanks.' you say as bob sits down next to you with his own plate. you notice he's careful not to touch you. he doesn't really talk about what happened, but you know it's hard for him. you just don't want to push him. he'll talk to you when he's ready. but you're desperate for him to know it's okay to talk to you, should he choose to do so.

you study his face as he eats his breakfast. you know he's tired too. he was awake when you went to bed last night, and he was up before you as well. the dark circles under his eyes seem to be permanent.

'bob?' you say.

he turns to look at you.

'why were you awake?'

'I was up all night reading a book yelena got me. it was so interesting I couldn't put it away.'

'bob. you told me that last week.'

'I did?'

'yes. when I asked you why you were still awake when I got back from a meeting at 3 am.'

'oh.'

you turn your chair to fully face him. bob leans back, so you're not accidentally touching him.

'what is going on, bob? I know we're all tired. but at least I get a handful of hours of sleep at night. do you sleep at all?' you say.

bob looks everywhere but your eyes.

'what are your nightmares about?' he asks you, catching you off guard.

'uh, well. bad stuff.' you say.

'will you tell me about it?'

'I'd rather not.'

'then I won't tell you why I don't sleep.'

bob grabs his plate gets up and instinctively, you reach out to grab his sleeve and pull him back.

he inhales sharply and recoils from your touch. the plate falls from his hands and clatters back down on the counter.

'sorry!' you say.

you see bob close his eyes and clench his jaw. you had made a mistake.

'I'm sorry.' you say again. 'I just... don't really talk about what happens in my nightmares. what I have to relive at night.'

your last sentence catches his attention.

'relive?' he says.

'fuck, did I say relive?' you say. 'I meant-'

'did I make it worse?' says bob.

'I didn't mean-' you start.

'don't do that!' bob cuts you off.

you raise your hands as a gesture of surrender.

this time, bob is the one to apologise. 'sorry. it's just that everyone always says this team is built on trust and yet no one seems to trust me. I'm not a child, you don't need to act all careful around me. you don't have to hide the bad stuff from me just because I can't remember what I, what the void, does.'

you're silent as you watch him fidget with the empty coffee cup in his hands. and you realise he's right. you can't tiptoe around him all the time. it's not fair.

'okay.' you say.

'okay?' questions bob, looking at you.

'okay, I'll tell you what my nightmares are about. but then you tell me why you don't sleep, deal?' you say.

'deal.' says bob.

'let's go to your armchair though, I don't want john accidentally walking in on me spilling my secrets.' you say, trying to lighten the mood.

bob is silent as he follows you. he sits down in his chair and you sit down on the couch next to him.

you take a deep breath as bob looks at you.

'as you know, I had a training that was similar to yelena's. I was young, and was trained to be a mindless soldier, assassin, whatever they called it at the time.' you say.

you look out over the skyline of new york, choosing to focus on bob's presence next to you, in case the memories start to drown you.

'I was training night and day. with other kids, then with older trainers, and then with holograms. to test every single probability, variable, whatever. then came the final round of training. holograms designed to look like the people I loved the most. friends I had when I was younger, my family. in a simulation, I was to kill them over and over again. I wore this specifically designed suit so everything felt real.' you say.

you look at the rising sun in the distance, aware of the way bob's eyes are fixed on you.

you take a deep breath. 'the final test, it was not a simulation. there was no holographic target. except I wasn't told that. I put on the suit, the glasses, everything that went with it. and then I killed everyone I'd ever loved. when I got the clear to take off the suit, the room was stained red. I was looking at the bodies of my friends, my family. that was the day I succeeded the program. I had nothing anyone could use against me. no one who would remember me.'

you quickly wipe away a stray tear that had fallen down your cheek. 'I relive that memory every night. except when the void got to me, it felt like it did that day. it felt real.'

bob is silent as you take a few deep breaths, trying to steady yourself.

'that's why I don't sleep.' he says in a soft voice.

you turn to look at him.

'what do you mean?' you say.

'what you described, your worst memory. to have to relive it in such a real way. I did that.' he says. 'I do that to people.'

'no.' you say, moving closer to him. 'no, bob, the void does that to people. not you. you hear me?'

'still though, he's a part of me.' says bob, who hasn't moved away from you this time. your knees almost touch.

'I don't sleep because I'm afraid if I wake up, days will have passed. and I won't have any memory of any harm I've done to people.' bob confesses in a soft voice.

'oh, bob.' you say. you wanted nothing more than to reach out and pull him in for a hug, but you know you can't.

'I'm terrified of hurting you guys again. I don't know how to stop him if it would happen again.' says bob. 'I don't want to go to sleep alone. what if I wake up somewhere else?'

'well..' you say. 'that's easily solvable.'

'how?' says bob.

you shrug. 'we share a room. or I can sit next to you when you go to sleep in your own room. or if you take a nap in your chair, here. anywhere, really.'

'and then what? what if the- what if he takes over? what if-'

'then I'll try my best to wake you. I'll go through all of those rooms to find you.'

'you just told me what you had to relive. I wouldn't want you to go through that again. not for my sake, anyway.'

'bob. how many times do I have to tell you for you to finally understand it? you are not alone anymore. we've got you. I've got you.'

bob looks at you with an odd look in his eyes.

'I really wish I could hug you.' he says.

you smile. 'you can.'

'but-'

'stand up.'

he gives you a confusing look but does as you ask. you stand up as well, then gesture at him.

'you're taller than I am. so long as your hands don't touch any of my skin, we should be good.' you explain.

'I don't want to accidentally send you back.' mumbles bob.

'you won't. I trust you.' you say.

you step closer to him and wrap your arms around his waist, resting your head against his chest. you feel his muscles strain as he tenses at your touch. then you slowly feel his hands carefully rest on your back.

you wonder when the last time was anyone hugged him. you long to be closer to him, to press your face in his neck, but you stand still.

'thank you.' says bob softly when you finally pull away. you smile up at him.

'see? told you it would be okay. now, do you want to go and take a nap? we can still get up in time for everyone else to wake up, if you want to.' you say.

'that sounds nice.' admits bob.

you look at him and a part of you swears he looks happier than before. or at least lighter. maybe he just needed to get this fear off of his chest. maybe you needed someone to listen to you as well.

something in you shifts as you follow bob to his room so he could take a nap.

'can't remember the last time I voluntarily went to sleep.' says bob as he enters his room. 'you'll be here?'

'I'll be here.' you confirm. 'and I'll get you out if the void takes over.'

'you promise?' says bob, as he lays down and pulls the covers over his body.

'I promise.' you say as you listen to his breathing become heavier until he falls asleep and soft snores fill the room. you'd stay next to him for as long as he needed you to.

A/N: thanks for reading! everything that I have written can be found on my masterlist. please do not copy, translate, plagiarise or repost my work! some of these are requested by other people and I spend a lot of time and effort on my works <3 much love, marit

[bloopitynoot]

Reading TGCF: Chapter 101

For those who don't know, I am reading TGCF for the first time and sharing my thoughts!

If you have not read it, there will be spoilers! Consider this a warning.

Also- if you want to follow along, I am aiming to post updates daily. You can find all the posts in the tag Bloopitynoot reads TGCF. You can also check out the intro post for context on my read BUT if you followed along with my SVSSS read, the rules and vibe are the same.

The worst of my schedule things should be done! I can finally, tonight, get some solid rest.

I truly was going to make a soothing lavender night time tea for this post, but instead I did the complete opposite and we have an espresso based latte LOL.

Now that I am supercharged, let's get into chapter 101!

Oh baby. He's just dissociating through life (honestly, valid). p261

Damn. The street performer too. Like, we knew, but the fact that after all of this Xie Lian had to see it. p262

Oh my heart. The fact that Xie Lian is just numb is really making these scenes with the busking and the punch by Feng Xin hurt more. pp264-266

Oh jeeze. What he did to that guy heckling him during the street performance :S p266

:( he's holding so much anger p268

:O he's really just stealing now too. Fundamentally, this man has broken. I hope in other books we get to see him come out of this. I just want Xie Lian to feel something other than indifference and anger. p271

I truly feel so bad for Feng Xin. He was just trying to do his best. He doesn't even know what happened to Xie Lian. That, "Then stop following me" must have crushed him. p273

As a side note, I haven't figured out what it is, maybe a filial piety thing, but Xie Lian's parents are kind of awful. For two people who were supposedly rulers of a kingdom, they have 0 skills or tactics for life. On top of that, his mom seems sweet as hell telling him she understands he's been through a lot (never asks what it is or how he's feeling) and then immediately asks him to give more to them. His dad is just straight up awful. Too prideful to the point where it is harmful. I think it's also a bit that they have a parent child relationship in the inverse. The parents are the children and I fucking hate this type of situation. p275

(It was 30 seconds after this rant that I felt a little bad LMAO)

Fucking hell. And they've hung themselves. We love more trauma. Fuck. p276

god damnit, this fucking book. p277

This is how Ruoye was born :( :( p277

Oh man Xie Lian becoming White Cloth Calamity. I truly hope Hua Cheng low ley saved him from that fate. pp282-283

I need a nap

This was not any better than the previous chapters. In fact it was on par or worse. I think THIS must be Xie Lian's true rock bottom because that boy has nothing left at this point.