#spinning has brought me such joy and i just really want it to be accessible to anyone who's interested in it

[trashpandacraft]

@mor-and-more, this is for you. tumblr won't let me add video to reblogs and is being highkey uncooperative about this, so it's new post time.

many people who are fairly new to spinning are anxious about dropping their beautiful drop spindles.

first: honestly, you don't have to be. they're called drop spindles for a reason—because you drop them. it's going to drop sometimes; that's just the nature of the craft. it's ok. most of them are pretty sturdy.

second: if this is putting you off starting, try what i only half-jokingly call the no-drop method! it's pretty slow, so you're probably not going to want to do this forever, but you can use it to get to a place where you're comfortable enough that you're willing to try other things.

this is basically park and draft, but not a variation i've seen discussed much, so i made a video, featuring my cat, who really really really wants to help. there's a text version of this method after the video.

this is a no-audio situation (other than random background noise), so quick notes.

first and foremost, i'm holding the spindle between my feet, because that's what's comfortable for me and because i took this video around a tripod. there's no reason that you can't do this sitting on the sofa with the spindle between your knees, or with your legs crossed tailor-style and the spindle tucked into the fold of your knee, or whatever else makes sense for you.

the other thing is that i had to trim the video a little to fit on tumblr, which is why it ends abruptly. there are videos made by much more skilled videographers about how to do things like predraft, find the staple length, and draft while you spin, so i don't show any of that either (except incidentally), but if anyone's like 'no, i feel that having this from you, specifically, will make my life better,' let me know and i'll make another video. maybe without the cat. (maybe with more cat! who can say.)

text version, including some extra notes:

trap the spindle so it can't move, but you have easy access to it. (see list of suggested positions above.)

take your predrafted fibre and hook it onto your spindle. i like to basically fold a staple length in half and use that. once it's hooked, keep your hand there, holding the fibre so it stays folded around the spindle hook.

keeping the spindle trapped, twist it. you're just loosening your feet or knees or whatever enough that you can twist the stick.

twist will move into the fibre around the hook. hooray! your fibre is now attached to the spindle. twist a little more. keep pinching it at the top!

draft out a tiny bit more fibre, move your pinch up to the top of that, and let the twist move into the drafted fibre.

keep twisting, drafting out a little, letting the twist move up, and twisting some more. if the yarn looks like it's getting too loose, let the tension off of the yarn and keep twisting, then reapply the tension. a weird thing about twist is that it doesn't move well unless it's under tension. i really tried to show this in the video, and i failed. i will repeat attempts if anyone desires.

if you're not sure if you have enough twist, just move your fibre hand towards the spindle. if the yarn twists around itself, you're probably good. (i check that a lot in this video, because i never spin in this style recreationally, and i don't have good instincts for it.)

when you have an arm's length of yarn, wrap it onto your spindle. for the first time you do this, you'll want to hold the bottom of the yarn, right where it attaches to the hook, as well as the top of the yarn, right before you get to unspun fibre. just wrap it onto the shaft of the spindle. i sometimes find it useful to lay the first tiny bit of the yarn—again, the bit that was on the hook—parallel to the shaft, and then wrap over that, which helps make sure things are good and tight.

hook back onto the spindle and repeat.

you can do this as long as you want to, up to and including forever. it's sort of a hybrid style of spinning—not quite suspended spinning, not quite supported spinning, and not quite grasped/clasped spinning, but a collection of elements from all of them. you're making yarn! you're spinning!

that said, after you do this a few times, you may feel like it's a little unnecessarily fussy and slow. which is also totally fine. try loosening your grip on the spindle and giving it a little twirl. you don't have to let go entirely if you don't feel ready to, but loosen up enough that it'll spin, then clamp back down. you can see me doing this at the very end of the video. at this point, you're basically doing park and draft, and can go from there.

like i kinda implied at the start of this post, this is very far from the only way to approach learning to spin, but especially if you're anxious about damaging your spindle or (like me) hate unexpected noises, it might be one to consider.

[monsterkisserlove]

Fuzzy Moonlight: Chapter 6

You met a bear in the forest, but could he be so much more? Could he be your escape from the oppressive village you find yourself trapped in?

TW/CW: Abandonment mention, religious persecution mention, parental death mention. If I've missed any out please let me know and I'll add them in immediately!! They both really really reeeeeeally horny for each other but still SFW so far. Well SFWish...

Pairing: M werebear/F reader

a/n: Still SFWish but getting some spicier vibes! Future NSFW chapters will be marked! Again, under 18s DNI! This blog and these fics ain’t for you.

Chapter 5

Despite the biting cold of your wet garments, you felt warm, no you felt feverish, staring up at the man as he brought his other hand to your jaw, thumb stroking over the soft curve as he tilted your face up by his large thumb placed delicately under your chin and he lowered his to yours. 

Barleys’ lips pressed against yours, and your eyes fluttered closed, his languid, searing kiss further erasing any cold you felt. You didn’t notice your own fingers curling around the back of his neck, grasping onto his golden, wet locks of hair as you rose on tiptoes to press yourself closer against his vast chest. 

As you tugged gently on his hair, Barley let out a soft growl, hands going to your waist, squeezing and pulling you even closer to him, fingertips digging into your soft skin as the kiss became more passionate, more animalistic. You parted your lips, allowing him access which he took immediately, needing to feel you further, to taste you. 

Barley groaned in pleasure when a small whimper emerged from your throat at the heady sensations he was delivering to you, your head empty of every thought, only him and his talented tongue and what more he could do to you.  

Clearly his head is exactly in the same space as yours when, in one fluid movement, he pulled you up in his strong, thick arms, your legs wrapping around his waist as he spins and pushes you against a wall with a slight thump. 

The gasp that left your lips at the sudden change was quickly replaced with soft keening and whimpers as his clever mouth kissed, bit and sucked at the column of your throat, his beard scratching at your skin. All the attention making you light headed as you imagined just what his beard and mouth would feel between your thighs.  

You tightened your legs around his waist, grinding yourself against the considerable bulge in his trousers bringing the heated kissing to a grunting stop as he rutted back against you, his eyes screwed shut and holding onto the very last shred of control he had left. 

Suddenly a thought came through all the dizzying hedonism, you don’t know this man. 

Yes, he is kind and funny and just so fucking handsome but you don’t truly know him. 

“Ah,” you gasp out, his teeth nipping at your skin, “wait-, stop... Ah, wait.” You panted out, catching your breath as Barley immediately stopped all of his affections, and gently carried you to a straw mattress covered with a huge pile of furs and set you down reverentially.  

Seating himself beside you, he tilted his head, an apologetic look on his face and concern glittering in those bright, golden eyes. “I-, I’m sorry, I got carried away...”  

Your eyebrows shot up, and you shook your head vehemently. “No, no! That was good, I mean really, really good,” now that made Barley smirk proudly, “but we don’t know each other, I never usually do anything like this...” 

“That’s understandable,” Barley nodded, looking more than a little disappointed at the imagined rejection, “once the rain has calmed down, I’ll escort you back through the forest to get you home safely.” 

The despondent look in his eyes almost broke your heart, even though you'd only met the man a few days ago.  

Reaching over, you pushed a lock of his hair behind his ear, palm settling on his cheek. “No, listen, I’m saying that I want to get to know you better.”  

Barleys’ smile was breath taking, practically radiating joy, his own hand covering yours on his face, reveling in your gentle touch. “I would very much like that too.” He murmured huskily, closing the gap between the two of you to press a sweet kiss against your lips for just a moment.  

You wanted to enjoy this moment, to just live in it but the cold from your drenched clothes was seeping into your bones, a shiver, and not the enjoyable kind, making you shake and your teeth chatter. 

Barley, noticing this, jumped up with such agility that it surprised you such a large man could move so quickly. “Oh hell,” he muttered to himself, “you’re frozen!” 

Cuddling into yourself to stave off further cold, you watched him with amusement as he opened and shut drawers and cupboard doors, clearly looking for something. As he let out a triumphant ah-ha you giggled, nestling a little deeper into the furs as he came bounding back. 

“I’ve got some towels and one of my shirts,” Barley rubbed the back of his head awkwardly, “I know you said that we should get to know each other and I’m really not trying to get you out of your dress but you should really get out of this dress...” 

You laughed again, standing to take the items offered. “Thank you, I appreciate it, is there anywhere I could change?” He nodded and directed you to a part of the cabin cut off from the rest.  

You hadn’t noticed earlier, due to all the excitement, but now you could see that his cabin was really just one large room with designated areas for the kitchen and resting place, wooden dividers giving the impression of privacy. The only room with a door is the bathroom that you’re now standing in, and you could see that everything was handmade or carved, it illuminating take the rustic beauty of it. 

As you undressed and unlaced yourself from your sopping clothes, you day dreamed about spending time in that deep, wooden bathtub, submerged in hot perfumed water and just maybe as a treat Barley could join you... 

Shaking the improper thoughts from your mind, you dried yourself before slipping into the shirt Barley had given you, the hem reaching to just above your knees. The fabric feels so soft against your skin, the smell of pine and wood smoke filling your senses, almost making you forget the need to get to know him and instead just climb into his lap and beg him to take you.  

Once more you had to shake your head before you left his bathroom, your dress now draped carefully over the edge of the bath to dry, and you tugged nervously at the hem of his shirt to cover more of your exposed thighs.  

It wasn’t as if a man had never seen you naked before, as if you’d never had sex but this was the first time you’d ever felt this way about a man. The desire for him to find you beautiful, for him to be as captivated with you as you are with him.  

Stepping out, you saw Barley lounging upon the furs he’d originally set you down upon, obviously now changed himself. The shirt he wore was missing, hair decorating his chest and disappearing down into��the cloth breeches that he had switched into from the leather trousers, the ends of his blonde locks curling at the ends as he dried in the warmth of the cabin.  

A warm light was flickering up the walls, the fireplace basking the entire room in a golden hue and temperate heat. 

But that wasn’t what was making you flush, it was Barley and his gaze upon you. 

It was the look of a man seeing the sun for the first time. 

And it made your heart swell that it was directed at you. 

Barley grinned, beckoning you closer to him and you followed as if being pulled by some kind of invisible string. The man before you held out his calloused hand and you took it, marveling in the difference of size, his whole hand closing around yours.  

Settling in the soft furs next to him, you curled your bare legs beneath you. You’d never been so comfortable with another person before, not like this. Helena was the closest thing to family you’d ever known but she was much more a maternal figure and Barley... Well, he was something much more. 

“I hope you’re feeling a little warmer, I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner.” Barley told you with a rueful smile. 

“I could say the same thing.” You replied but he just laughed, running a hand through his messy hair, the same hair you’d been tugging through your fingers just a small while ago.  

“I run hot,” he shrugged, “so I honestly didn’t notice until you began to shiver.” Barley shot you an appraising glance. “But I’m assuming you’re a little more contented now you’re out of your wet garments, yes?”  

You nodded in response, a warm smile gracing your features, fingers playing with the hem of his shirt. Barley turned to face you properly, his leg pressed close to yours, heat seeping from him to you.  

He really did run hot.  

“Well then,” he started, “in the spirit of getting to know each other, could I ask you a question?” 

“Of course.” 

“I know you said that Helena asked you stay here, and that you must have been very close after being her apprentice, but do you have no other family? I do not mean to be blunt but, is there not anyone out there who may be concerned about you?” 

Sighing, you dropped your head, staring into your lap before answering. “No, I don’t, but it’s a long story.”  

Barley cocked an eyebrow, falling silent for a moment as the storm raged on outside, wind and rain rattling the window panes. “Well, I don’t think either of us are going to be leaving anytime soon so we have time for a long story. But only if you want to, of course.” 

“In the spirit of getting to know each other, I suppose.” You started and went on to tell him the morose tale of your childhood. The story of how an unwed woman falling pregnant in a town that viewed everything through the lens of righteous condemnation ended with you being abandoned on the steps of an orphanage three cities over. 

Of how you were never adopted, but then again neither were many of the other children that you resided with, and how at the young age of sixteen you were discharged from the care of the orphanage. That it was Helena who found you years later trying to sell the mosses and sweet herbs you’d scavenged, well, stolen, from the medicine woman's own garden. 

All she’d told you, with her characteristic easy grin, was that you had been setting your prices far too low and that people in this area would spend thrice the amount you were charging.  

After that it had really been all of Helenas’ doing, she’d offered you board and room on the condition that you’d work in her apothecary. Of course, you’d agreed immediately, and then she began training you and now... Here you were.  

Throughout your tale, Barley had never once made you feel as if you were oversharing, as if you’d been irritating him. He’d simply offered you sympathy and comfort during the hard parts and never once looked at you with pity. Something you appreciated far more than he could know.  

During that time, if even possible, you’d both pressed closer to each other, basking in the contact of another person. A sensation that both of you had sorely missed.  

“Now,” you fixed him with a smile, “what about your family? How did you wind up here?” 

As Barley paused, eyebrows pulling together in soft a frown, you hurried to add on that he was to only tell you if he was happy to do so. 

“No, no... It’s not that, it’s just been such a long while since someone asked that I don’t know where to start.” 

“Like you said, we both have time right now for long stories.” If anything, the storm had gotten worse, rain lashing against the window so hard that you worried for the glass. 

“I suppose you’re right,” he chuckled, one of his large hands settling on your knee and giving you a tender squeeze, “there’s really not much to say though. Simply that I lost my parents when I was seventeen.” Your hand covered his, sliding your fingers between his as you felt his pain and it broke your heart. 

“We were attacked because of who we were,” Barley continued, pausing as if he were unsure what to say next, clearly picking his words carefully, “people like me and my family are what you’d call outsiders. We’re not... Not like regular folk.” 

You cocked your head, wondering if he would elaborate further but he didn’t so you simply nodded, encouraging him to go on.  

“So yeah, after that, I travelled place to place, picking up skills and things before setting up here.”  

Obviously, he was holding back but you understood, some things were just too hard to talk about. 

“I guess that would explain your feelings about the villagers, being an ‘outsider’ and all that. They’re barely friendly at the best of times, let alone someone who lives in the so-called beast infected forest.” 

Barley chortled at that, his body wracked with laughter, eyes crinkling in glee. “Y’know,” he wheezed, “I’m almost sure when they say beast that they mean me. They’ve actually confronted me about it before, on one of the rare trips I took to the village before I stopped going completely. Telling me that I was an agent of the devil and I was bringing evil here.” 

You shook you head. “Oh, that sounds like them alright, I feel like I’ve dropped from one place heavy with persecution to another.”  

The hand on your knee squeezed you again, his other pushing a lock behind your ear delicately.  

“That being said,” Barley murmured, “be careful with them. Panic makes stupid zealots dangerous. I’d hate for anything to happen to you because of your association with me.”  

You nodded as he pressed a delicate kiss to your forehead, stilling your movement, his concern and desire to keep you safe spilling from every word and sweet caress.  

It wasn’t a moment later that the small amount of tension that had settled was broken as you both shared more light hearted stories from your respective pasts’, and learnt of each other's likes and dislikes. It wasn’t a surprise to you that one of his big loves was food, and he wasn’t picky at all.  

That didn’t mean he was a bad cook though, as he served you some hearty potato and venison stew that had been quietly bubbling for the past few hours.  

As the storm raged on outside, the waning gibbous moon hidden behind thick, dark clouds, you and Barley were cocooned in the languid warmth of your new found connection and obvious chemistry. After the events of the day and the very early start, exhaustion over took you both and that’s how you found yourself curled up with Barley pressed against you, his naked chest against your back and his thick arms holding you tight.  

No thoughts of work tomorrow, or the insipid villagers, just that you’d not been this happy in such a long time. 

Sleep came so very easily to you both.  

TBC

[votederpycausemufins]

All my knowledge is of hermitcraft and the stuff people have written for the Hermit!Tommy Au but I kept having this idea and needed to write it. I also think i got a bit out of character halfway through because it was supposed to be short, but i vibed with it too much so now it’s long and maybe not 100% accurate but it’s still angst followed by fluff.

also @petrichormeraki wanted me to tag them when i posted this.

Tommy had been with the Hermits for a while now. He hadn’t really kept track of when he first arrived, but it had at least been a few months. Otherwise, time was a mess. The Hermits has all but legally adopted him and all the joy that came from them caring for him made time seem to fly by.

Doc was fun to be around because while Tommy was perfectly fine never going back to the SMP, the way the man acted gave Tommy a small bit of familiarity in a good way to his past life.

He likes hanging out with False, mainly for sparring. Never anything deadly, but even if there wasn’t a need for Tommy to constantly look over his shoulder, it was good to keep from getting too rusty.

He doesn’t really hang out with Zedaph as much as Zedaph hangs out with him. Normally the Hermit would come out of the blue with something new for Tommy to try. Flicking levers over and over for something that would normally be as simple as using a furnace just became fun for Tommy, especially if he had energy pent up.

Xisuma is someone Tommy doesn’t run into much, but the fact that he doesn’t is something Tommy finds comfort in. Even as the server admin, the man is very down to Earth. Nothing like Dream ever was.

And then there’s Grian. Tommy got along with all the Hermits fine and of course there were some he preferred over others, but Grian took the cake for him. When he first showed up, Grian was the one to give him a place to stay at his old hobbit hole. Professor Beaks had been left there and still used to the SMP and scared for his life, Tommy hid the pet bird as leverage for his own safety. When Grian found out, he mostly shrugged it off, but the tens of chickens in the hobbit hole the next day was proof of retaliation.

Tommy didn’t understand the underwhelming response at first, but responded in kind, using the eggs from the chickens Grian had left to egg the Hermit’s base. When the builder nearly broke the door to the hobbit hole, Tommy grabbed his axe, ready to fight for his life, but was taken aback by the cheerful look on Grian’s face.

After that, Grian had practically taken Tommy under his wing. He showed Tommy how to build more effectively with cobble, eventually managing to get the teen to have some variety. Grian also brought Tommy along on his various chaotic endeavors, leaving behind chickens, mycelium, and possibly some missing doors.

The two chaotic red wearing Brits got along so well that they sometimes spent entire weeks together. Because of that, Tommy was all too aware that the Hermits participated in MCC as well.

It made sense. A few of the Hermits vaguely recognised him when he showed up in Hermitcraft and a few of them looked familiar to Tommy. That had made him feel a little safer since now these people weren’t complete strangers, but it did complicate things. Every so often, the portal to MCC would open and the Hermits participating would go through. The closest Tommy would get to the portal was just before the Hermits left, occasionally giving a ‘Good luck Grine!’ or something similar to Grian as he went through. But after that Tommy stayed as far away as he could manage.

The portal there led to MCC. And from there, there was a portal that led to the SMP. If Tommy could get to Hermitcraft, others could too. And that idea was terrifying, no matter who it was. Dream was a worst case scenario, but even if it was Tubbo. Tubbo had exiled him, and even if they were still on good terms after that, Tommy could have visited at some other MCC, but he didn’t, and that idea likely wouldn’t go over well, especially since otherwise, people probably thought he was dead and Tommy didn’t care to correct them.

But compared to all those other times, today was very different. Today Tommy wasn’t at the sidelines to help send off the other Hermits, he was one of the ones being sent off. They had taken every precaution. Mumbo had rebuilt his Spookification chamber for Tommy with some alterations, specifically removing the firework method of alteration. The teen was also dressed for being on a team with Grian as the Cyan Creepers, so his familiar red and white shirt was missing. But under Tommy’s costume, he still kept the chain necklace holding his compass. He refused to part with it, though made sure he would be hard to access to keep from glancing, knowing at the championships, it wouldn’t be spinning wildly anymore.

With a comforting pat on the back from Grian, he and the other Hermits walked through the portal. The crowd of people that were on the side almost immediately overwhelmed Tommy, making him think that it was a bad idea all over again, but the sight of the two other team members for the Cyan Creepers reassured them, especially as they lined up for the cameras for some fun and silly times. Then once the games began, he was too focused on winning to think of much else.

Before long, the championships were over. They had come in fifth, which was a bit disappointing at first, but on the other hand, it was still pretty good and kept the spotlight off of him. When dodgebolt began, Tommy stood next to Grian, but with a crowd of people, a good game, and no perfect place to sit, the both of them wandered for a better vantage point.

At one point, Tommy managed to push his way right up to the edge of the viewing ledge. It was the perfect place for a while until the action moved, causing everyone to decide it was the perfect place. Enough people moved nearby that Tommy was worried about falling into the pit below, and he almost did before someone pulled him back.

Tommy was ready to thank whichever Hermit or even other player helped him but the words died in his throat when he faced the person who grabbed him. He knew that mask and neon green color. And there was no reason for him to help Tommy unless-

“I finally found you!” Dream spoke. He raised his voice to be heard over the crowd, but not too much to draw the attention of others. Tommy froze as he definitely heard the words. But there was no way for Dream to know, he didn’t look at all like normal.

“I-I’m sorry.” Tommy tried not to stutter, hoping just the situation of being grabbed would excuse it. “But I don’t think I’m who you’re looking for. I’m new here. Unless you’re greeting me for being new.” It was something he prepared before in his mind after Grian brought up the possibility, but it felt sloppy putting it to use.

“Oh don’t lie Tommy. I know it’s you. I guess you got lost, but it’s okay, you can come back now. I got rid of the exile for you. Aren’t you glad?”

Tommy was glad for the mask that covered Dream’s face. He wasn’t sure he wanted to see Dream’s actual expression. “How did you-” He started to speak, but Dream cut him off, poking Tommy’s chest, right where the compass was.

“Weren’t you paying attention to the teams? Tubbo got put with me. And between games he just happened to glance at his own compass. And wouldn’t you know it, it led me right here.” Dream held up the compass that belonged to Tubbo. It looked damaged, and it was recent. Tubbo likely didn’t want to give the tyrant admin the compass, but lost it to Dream anyway.

“Give that back to Tubbo!” Tommy shouted at Dream, trying to snatch it from him.

“Feisty now, aren’t you? We can take care of that when you come back. I’ll also give it back to him if you come with me.”

Tommy froze. There was no way he was going back, but what could he do? Everyone was focused on dodgebolt, and he didn’t want his appearance to have caused more trouble for Tubbo.

Tommy glanced at the crowd one last time before reluctantly nodding. Dream grabbed his hand in a painful clench and dragged him out of the crowd towards the SMP’s portal to leave. However, just before reaching it, Dream stopped. Tommy, who had been looking back at the crowd, hoping someone would see what was going on, turned towards the portal to see Grian standing in front of it.

“Heya, where do you think you’re going. MCC isn’t over yet. Dodgebolt it still going on.”

Tommy expected Dream to just push past Grian or even give some sort of retort, but the actual reply was shocking. “Uh, n-no, just… have to head back early. Th-the game delays made things run over. A-and we’ve got to get b-back for… something else. Don’t w-want to be late for that.”

Dream’s words made Tommy so shocked he forgot to breathe. Dream was scared, no he was terrified. And he was terrified… of Grian. Tommy looked back at the Hermit who stood unflinching in front of them.

“Really? I could have sworn that you were here when I arrived, and that kid wasn’t. And he definitely came from a different portal. I know since I was keeping my eye out for my teammates. So why’s he going with you?”

“I uh…” Dream struggled, struggled, to give an answer, letting Grian continue. “That’s what I thought. C’mon kid, let’s go back to the crowd. You can stay with me until it’s over then I’ll help you find your portal back.”

And Grian took Tommy away without any retaliation from Dream. Tommy was left in awe. Grian wasn’t even an admin in Hermitcraft but Dream was terrified of him. It was amazing! But at the same time, it made Tommy spiral a bit.

When everyone returned, Grian had made sure Dream left before the Hermits and Tommy did so Dream couldn’t watch Tommy leave. Tommy stuck to False’s side as they walked through the portal, Grian being the last to come through as he continued to act as a guard. When he tried to comfort Tommy after his run-in with Dream, he understood when the teen responded he just wanted to go home. The championships were exhausting enough without a scare like that.

The next day, Tommy hung out with False. And then Zedaph, and then Doc. Grian noticed immediately, but didn’t pay much mind to it. He noticed since Tommy had spent a full week only hanging out with him, so the sudden absence of the boy was noticeable, but it made sense that he would want to hang out with the others.

After that, Grian didn’t pay too much attention to the lack of Tommy until he ran into him while stocking the barge. Tommy had been buying something at the store when Grian flew in. He nearly dropped his diamonds in trying to leave in such a hurry that it finally concerned Grian. The builder started visiting other Hermits Tommy tended to visit and ask about him. No one really noticed much other than Tommy dodging any questions about him possibly going to hang out with Grian.

Grian decided to leave it alone, and he was definitely going to, but after another run in with Tommy, he threw that decision out the window. Grian normally wouldn’t have done this, but after trying multiple times to just talk to Tommy and being unsuccessful, the builder had to essentially corner the teen.

Immediately, Grian regretted it. Tommy was trembling, obviously scared, holding a sword in his hand. He carefully tried to point out that Tommy didn’t need to have his sword out, but instead of just putting it away, Tommy just threw it on the ground, also throwing down his other gear. Grian had heard of Tommy doing this before with the other Hermits, so he immediately recognised what was going on and dived to grab the gear. It scared Tommy more, but Grian wanted to make sure nothing ended up destroyed.

“Tommy, calm down, I just want to talk. Did I do something wrong? I mean, obviously I must have, you look scared out of your mind every time I’m around you. But I can’t think or anything I did and I don’t want this to keep happening. So can I know what’s going on?”

Tommy didn’t speak for a while. He just looked defeated and terrified. Grian called in some of the other Hermits to come help Tommy calm down, though at first it didn’t help. But over time, Tommy finally did stop looking so terrified and they moved to somewhere he would feel less cornered. It took more coaxing after that, but finally, Tommy explained himself.

“He’s scared of you. Dream is… actually scared of you.”

“Yeah, I’ve killed him once or twice. Plus my full name is Lord Grian Dreamslayer, so it’s kind of in the name.” The builder tried to say it as a joke, but it didn’t seem to lighten the mood.”

“He’s the admin and he’s scared of you. And you… I’ve been hanging out with you.”

Grian nodded. “Well yeah, we do fit together well. ...Did he say something at MCC to make you think I didn’t like you?”

Tommy shook his head. “N-No. You’re right, you’re fun to be around. But dream likes… liked messing with me. And tried to train me. And I hang out with you more than I had with him, and I’m more like you. I-If you’re somehow more powerful than him-!” The rest of the words stopped in Tommy’s throat, choking him up. Stress was nearby and gave Tommy a careful hug for comfort, which helped him a little.

Grian waited a little bit for the tension to calm slightly before he spoke. “I don’t know exactly what Dream has done to you. You’ve told us a lot, but you obviously haven’t told us everything, and telling us isn’t the same as experiencing it. But let me tell you that I’m not going to do what he’s done to you. I remember how you were the first day we found you. And I see how you are now- well, how you were a few weeks ago- and I’m happy. Happy because you’ve been happy. You’ve been safe and cared for here and it shows. I don’t want to force you to be anything, I want you to be you. Sure, I’m powerful enough to kill Dream, but I’m not going to use that power on you. I’m only going to use it around you if it’s to keep him away from you.

“And! And! It’s just because of how your server is. Here we can go to the end. We don’t have a set amount of lives. We build massive structures and sell totems for a single diamond each. We fight Withers for fun and make farms with them. We farm just about anything you can think of. And Tommy.” Grian paused, making sure Tommy was paying attention. “You may be from somewhere far off that none of us old Hermits have seen, but now you’re here. And new home or not, that makes you a Hermit too. Sure you can be like me. Or you can be like False or Doc or Scar or Mumbo. But so far, you’ve been pretty you. And that you is a Hermit.”

Tommy took a few moments to process it, but the message seemed to get through to him. With that, Grian stood up with a smile. “Now I get that you probably don’t want to hang around me much right now. It makes sense. Maybe hang out with some other Hermits and learn some new stuff to get your mind off of things. Plus, I also did some talking around looking for you, and got you this.”

Tommy’s eyes practically sparkled as Grian placed down some music discs. He greedily grabbed the treasures and stuffed them in his inventory, looking up just to see Grian flying off. Taking on Grian’s idea, Tommy decided to go with Cleo and try to wrap his head around those armor stands again. While he wasn’t a pro, he did manage to make one scene of the hermits all holding weapons and surrounding an armor stand in lime leather armor. Grian was right. He was a Hermit. And he wasn’t going back. At least, not permanently, he thought, clutching his compass. Maybe, there would even be another Hermit like him.

[sunshinejihyun]

Command Me, Command You - Helios

Author’s note: I’m here to wish the happiest of birthday to my most beautiful and wonderful friend @otomecooties​. This isn’t much, but I love you too much and couldn’t bear to not have anything to give you for your birthday.

Summary: Helios gives her all of her favorite things for her birthday

Warnings: NSFW - if you’re under 18+, please don't read!

Word Count: 2,273

Masterlist

She was still in the same spot that Helios had left her in that morning, bent over her tablet and bopping along to the music she was playing through her headphones at that moment. She hadn't noticed Helios come in, even after his loud boots fell to the floor and he set down the bags he had gotten at the store.

Helios made his way over to her then, brushing her hair back from her neck and placing a kiss there, his teeth dragging along the sensitive skin and making her shiver. She let out a breathy sigh and leaned back in the chair, setting the tablet pencil to the side and moving her head so Helios could have better access to the skin.

He traced up her neck, alternating from nips to gentle kisses before he got to her ear. He gently removed the earbuds and placed them on the desk next to her pencil, before sucking on her earlobe. “I’m back,” he whispered, his voice deepening in the soft state.

“Hm, yeah I figured as much. Didn’t think it’d be a ghost kissing on me like that.” She retorted, causing Helios to let out a low chuckle and reach his hand up to her neck, moving her head so her lips were brushing his own.

“I’ll let you get away with the sass this time, because it’s your birthday. But next time, I won’t be so lenient.” A shiver ran up her spine at that, and Helios could almost hear the gears in her head turning, looking for a way to push his buttons once more and get what she really wanted.

“Wow, I must be a lucky girl huh?” She asked, pulling out of his grip before spinning her chair around so she was facing Helios. “My own boyfriend is being slightly nice to me on my birthday.”

The smirk on her face was enough for Helios to want to drag her out of the chair and throw her onto his bed, having his way with her in any way he saw fit, but he didn’t. If she was going to behave like that, he’d teach his lesson the hard way. “Just for that little comment, I’m not gonna let you have what you really want until you’ve learned your lesson.”

She frowned at that, biting her lip slightly and Helios stuck out his finger, poking her lip and causing her to drop her hold on it. “You’re gonna deny me of what I want on my birthday?” She whined slightly, reaching out her arms for Helios to pick her up from the chair. “I don’t see how that’s any sort of fair.”

“And I don’t see how it’s fair that I went out today and got you dinner and cheesecake and yet all you want to do is fuck me.” Helios retorted, carrying her to the kitchen. “I have half a mind to make you sit on this counter and fuck yourself with your fingers until you’re a wanting mess and then I’d make you stop before you could cum, wash your hands and eat your meal.” Helios felt her shudder and adjusted herself in his arms, rubbing against his midsection softly and causing a groan to emit from her throat. “In fact, I know you’d just end up getting off on it, and that’s exactly why I won't do it.” Helios lightly tapped her butt before setting her down.

“You’re an evil, evil man Helios.” She narrowed her eyes at him in a joking manner and he laughed at her face, a small feeling of joy blossoming in his chest. “How dare you do me so dirty on my birthday.”

“I fear you’re mistaken,” Helios pulled the hamburgers out of the brown paper bag and handed her one, unwrapping his but pausing before taking a bite. “If I were doing you dirty right now, you’d know.”

She didn’t respond to that, opting to go to the silverware drawer and grab a fork and a knife before cutting off a piece of her burger. She looked Helios in the eye as she took a bite and laughed as he rolled his eyes in exasperation. “Look, you have your weird habits that I don’t judge and I have mine. Get over it.”

“I didn’t say anything!” He laughed around a mouthful of fries as she ate another small bite off her fork. “If you’re happy, that’s all that matters.”

“Wow, you’re laying it on thick tonight huh?” She asked, wiping her face on a napkin. Neither of them was eating at the dinner table, Helios was sat on top of the kitchen counter and she leaned her elbows on it, both of them exchanging looks that ranged from sweet, to silly, to as seductive as it could get with hamburgers in their mouths.

“Only the best for you.” He responded, around the last bite of his burger. “I even got you some cheesecake.”

Her eyes lit up at that, and she moved to stand in between Helios’s legs, a yearning look on her face. “Did you get the kind from the grocery store that has all the assortments of them so I can try all the different flavors?”

His hands fell to her hips and he pulled her in close, smoothing back a stray piece of hair. “Of course I did, I know my girl.”

She leaned into Helios’s gentle touch and Helios smiled at her before leaning down to press a kiss to her cheek. “Your girl, huh?”

“Don’t make me repeat it.” He teased, prodding her side and smirking at the way she squirmed in his arms. Helios released her then and she went to the fridge, bending over to grab the cheesecake platter before nodding towards the living room.

“Want to join me on the couch and we can watch some shitty reality TV and gorge ourselves on this cheesecake platter?”

Helios hopped off the counter then, making his way over to her and kissed her once on the lips softly. “And this is why I tolerate you more than others.”

She scowled at that, making Helios chuckle and she grabbed his hand, leading him towards the dingy couch that Helios had acquired in the time he’d been living in the warehouse before she got there. Flicking on the TV, she sat down close enough to Helios where their shoulders were touching and offered him first pick of the cheesecake platter.

He picked up a strawberry piece then, and took a bite. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that look on your face outside of the bedroom.” She observed, taking a bite of her own chocolate piece. It had caramel and pecans on top and Helios eyed it, wishing she’d offer him a bite. “In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat sweets before in your life.”

“Well, I love sweet stuff.” Helios responded, holding out his piece as an offer for her to take a bite. He watched as her lips closed around the creamy substance and his mind went blank for a minute as she licked some of the extra cream off her top lip.

“Really? What’s your favorite flavor?” She asked, returning the favor and offering him a bite of the dark chocolate. The bitterness from the chocolate mixed with the sweetness of the caramel danced over his tongue and Helios almost moaned out then, but he swallowed the cake instead.

“I do enjoy green apple hard candies a lot.” He replied, and a complicated look danced over her features before she smiled and took another bite of her cheesecake before turning back to the TV.

Helios didn’t pay attention. He instead opted to watch her, smiling when she smiled and laughing when she did. He wasn’t much of a TV person and felt slightly guilty for taking a day off work, but watching her enjoy herself helped ease the pang of uneasiness in his stomach. She put his mind at ease, made him feel like he could let his guard down, just a little bit.

“My stomach is going to burst.” She complained after her second piece of cheesecake. “What are you doing to me?”

“Trying to immobilize you so I can have my way with you.” Helios deadpanned, poking her leg with his socked toe.

“Very funny,” turning off the TV, she crawled over to him, settling herself into his lap, her middle pressed against his crotch. “I think since it’s my birthday, I should have my way with you.”

Helios’s hands found the backs of her thighs, right under her butt where the skin was sensitive and soft. He stroked gently, and she responded in kind, moving her body against his pelvic area. “I think we both know that even if you tried, you’d be begging me to fuck you into the bed by the end of the night.” Helios whispered, one of his hands leaving her thigh and fisting in her hair.

Instead of any normal retort, she brought her mouth down harshly on his, her tongue seeking his own almost immediately.

The soft feel of her tongue was something Helios craved, almost like oxygen. He felt his mind slip into a deeper feeling of relaxation, one that he only felt when he could submerge himself in her completely, and he pulled her down harshly on him, both of their centers meeting as he thrust up in time with the pull. They both cried out then, and she pulled away from his mouth, panting out her pleas into the otherwise quiet warehouse.

“I wish I could drive you as crazy as you drive me.” She said once Helios had flipped their bodies over. There was a bead of sweat already running down the side of her face and he leaned in and licked it off, keeping his mouth close to her ear.

“Everything I do is to come back to you. When I’m out on a job, the only thing keeping me from getting hurt or killed is the thought of you. Believe me, it’s you who doesn’t realize how crazy you drive me.” Helios thrust his clothed center against her own and relished in the way she writhed beneath him, the small noises she made as he pleasured her through their clothes. “I want to make you cum in your pants.”

“I’m not a high school boy,” she objected, though Helios knew from the high pitched way her voice was raised that he was getting to her, and doing so quickly.

“When you’re ready to cum, I want you to beg for it.” Helios said, snaking his hand in between their joined bodies to rub at her clit through her leggings. She had already soaked through her panties, and Helios could tell just how turned on she was by the way his fingers were quickly starting to wet. She bit her lip to stifle a moan and Helios narrowed his eyes. It was almost as if he could feel his eyes start to shift amber, and he grabbed her neck with his hand. “Look at me.” Her previously closed eyes started to open and as she met his own eyes, normally blue but now a deep amber, they widened. “I command you to beg me to make you cum.”

She couldn’t look away, so transfixed on his eyes as he played with her, her moans now tumbling out of her mouth loudly in complete ecstasy. “Please, please make me cum. Helios, I need it.” The words came out almost unwillingly and Helios slipped his hand inside her leggings, meeting soft wetness and applying direct pressure to her clit now. Her body jerked, under him, her nipples so erect he could see it through her tee shirt. “Daddy, please.”

That sent Helios over the edge, working hard on her clit with one hand while his other palmed himself harshly through his black jeans and with one final pinch to her clit, she came undone on his fingers, a cacophony of inaudible swears and pleas leaving her mouth as she writhed underneath him. Helios continued gently stroking her through her orgasm.

She then leaned over and unbuckled Helios’s belt and pants and took his hard cock out of his pants, the precum already smeared over it from the abuse it withstood from his rubbing earlier. Without any warning, she took his length into her mouth, head bobbing up and down at a fast pace, hitting the back of her throat every couple of thrusts. Helios was already close when she came on his fingers, but the feel of her soft tongue licking as she sucked brought him over the edge and he grabbed her hair, holding his cock in her mouth as he came, his cum hit the back of her throat and forced her to swallow it.

She pulled back then, wiping the spit on the collar of her tee shirt before smirking at Helios. “Talk about cuming like a high school boy. You couldn’t even last five minutes into a blowjob.”

“Fuck you,” Helios pulled her mouth to his and kissed her harshly.

“Oh you will be in a few minutes, babe. But we’re taking this to the bed.” She stood up peeling off her wet panties and leggings before stripping out of her shirt, leaving her completely naked in the open area. “I command you to follow me.”

Helios’s mouth hung open as he watched her butt swing seductively back and forth while she walked to the bedroom and without further prompting, Helios pushed his pants off the rest of the way, quickly following behind.

[scruffyssketchbook]

I've been really inactive lately, so I'll try to get this posted.

I noticed something that might classify as a plot hole. The PC system add-on that allows pokemon to get injured.

For starters, we never get an explanation for why this add-on was added in the first place. Supposedly, Vay was loopy from his "karp krakers", and put the add-on into the PC without thinking.

Also, we never get an explanation as to how this add-on works. Or, more accurately, how the PC works. Does the PC normally prevent the eevees from feeling pain and being injured at all? For example, even if Blizz tried his hardest, punching someone would be like punching a brick wall for an average person. Or, does the PC simply heal any major injuries the eevees take on? Or is it somewhere in between?

I know that, from the perspective that this is a comic that needs drama, having the add-on allows characters to hurt each other. (See Jed and Shane.) But, from an in comic perspective, this makes no sense.

Secondly, even if we did have a good explanation for how the add-on came to be, why didn't the trainer just get rid of it. And I don't want the explanation that she's stupid. She is 16, she knows how to work a computer. Even if she didn't, she could force Vay to do it, or get Bede (The person who runs the PC system in Sinho) to do it. I also don't want the explanation that she is negligent. She is, but she took the time to look into it after Harmony got hurt. I doubt she would just turn around and do nothing after learning about the add-on.

I may be missing context here, as there is one comic page that I can't access, the page 100 variation on patreon. Maybe there's an explanation in there, but I wouldn't know.

Thirdly, even if we ignore the trainer, what about Dusk? We already know that he has tried to get Blizz to work with him in stopping Icedrop and Greenpaw from fighting. Not to beat around the bush, Greenpaw does bully Icedrop, they just do it in a more covert, mental, and emotional way than Icedrop bullies Greenpaw.

However, Blizz refuses to help, partially because both Dusk and Blizz are petty. If Dusk genuinely wants to stop Icedrop, why not just get rid of the add-on? We know Dusk can manipulate electronics, so why not just delete the add-on, either from within the PC, or sneakily from outside it? Furthermore, Dusk is not stupid. He knows that Vay added the add-on, or at least could figure that out. He and Vay are also in good relations, so why doesn't he, or hasn't he, asked Vay to get rid of the add-on?

The explanation of "Dusk is just a jerk" does not work. Dusk can be a jerk, but everything he does he does for a reason. Most of him being a jerk comes from him being egotistical, narcissistic, and thinking he knows what's best for everyone even when he doesn't.

The only explanation that works is that he doesn't get rid of the add-on due to the fact it would put Daisy and the other hospital vees out of a job.

Last, but certainly not least, is the fact that pokemon other than eevee exist in the trainer's PC. We even get to see one of the other boxes. My point here is that the other pokemon would notice something wrong eventually. Best case senario, they notice due to realizing they can feel pain. Worst, they notice due to a major injury not being healed by the PC.

Those pokemon would want to know what happened. Amusing they either are told the truth or find out on their own, why wouldn't they ask Vay to take off the add-on. If Dusk (since he is the only one I can think of who would try to spin a story) told them a lie, then would every pokemon in the entire PC believe him. Charm and smooth words can only go so far.

___________________________________________________

I have two extra questions I thought up while writing this.

Bonus question 1: How did the trainer know that Harmony was injured? Did vay tell her? She check the pokemon's health in the PC often (both stat, and convential health)?

Bonus 2: If we know pokemon can learn to read and write, then why have none of the pokemon other than Vay tried to communicate with their trainer. What is the point of using Vay as a translator, when the pokemon could just write to the trianer? Do they just want to hide how much they know?

On top of that, if pokemon can learn to use computers, what's stooping them from just using text to speech, completely circumventing Vay all together.

bonus 3: Do the pokemon age in the PC? We know Eve is around two years old, so is she physically still a newborn, or has she physically grown?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Summary/tl;dr

q1: What are the specifics of how the damage allowing add-on was put into the PC?

q2: How does this add-on, and the PC system's healing ability, work?

q3: Why didn't their trainer take the add-on off the PC?

q4: Why didn't Dusk take the add-on off the PC?

q5: Why didn't any of the other pokemon in the PC take off the add-on?

bq1: How did the trainer know that Harmony was injured?

bq2: Why don't we ever see pokemon that know how to write communicate with the trainer?

bq3: Do the pokemon physically age in the PC?

Author chan: Over here asking the important questions! Alright! I can explain!

The mod basically prevents pokemon from healing without outside means like things that can heal a pokemon, Potions, full heals, antidotes, etc etc. This is why it's called the Damage keeper mod.

Normally in the PC, pokemon can feel pain, but they will quickly heal overtime, but with the mod, it just stops this function all together. Usually in the world, it's used with the "No heal on Entrance" mod for trainers who participate in Nuzlocke challenges.

Vay inputted the Damage keeper mod into the PC for one reason, and one reason only. No, he wasn't loopy, He knew what he was doing, and added it on purpose. It was a pretty selfish decision all in all, but I can't say the reason why. It's vaguely hinted to tho. Yes! It makes no sense to have a mod like that inputted in universe. Literally no other character would ever put in this mod into the if given the chance! But, Vay put it in for a specific purpose. Said purpose was actually shown in "Battle scars". Now. Why would Vay do this? Why would he input a mod that makes all pokemon to keep the damage they receive in the box?

Well. He simply only thinks of himself. He didn't think or care about the effect the mod would have on the other pokemon in the PC, just how he could use it to do what he wanted to do. And yes. Vay is a jerk. He's my least favorite main for a reason, you know.

Next up!

As said in comic 200c, Mods are very hard to take off. Why? Well. We are dealing with actual creatures. One wrong move and hundreds of them will get corrupted and essentially die. This isn't like Minecraft, despite me comparing the PC to a minecraft server for explaining how it works to others. Since this mod affects the pokemon directly, its harder to remove because it’s just a big risk for the pokemon. This is also why Dusk cant just remove it. It is too big of a risk to all the pokemon in the PC, which there are over 1000 of at this point. Healing items and free hospitals are a temporary fix.

Also! Blizz does try to help with the bullying, as seen with comic #302, where he states "It's a misunderstanding" followed by text covered by Bolt talking/ignoring him saying "I saw a greenpaw eevee being bullied by Mike and Tike and-" Which, we see on page #298 Tike was the eevee he was punishing.

Lastly! Why don't the other pokemon notice. Well, The few who have been in a PC before do, but most of the pokemon were wild pokemon before they appeared in the PC, so they don’t know how a normal PC feels like. And ofc, how would a pokemon know who to ask about why the PC works the way it does? Mods are common in the world, cause trainers like to give PC pokemon things to do while rotting away. This is actually going to be talked about with Eevui, the new Eevee the trainer obtained via wondertrading. He was in a normal PC before he was traded, so he'd notice the difference, and will comment on it. Funny thing, I have a comic about him trying to describe the PC to pokemon who never been in one before before he goes in the trainer's pc, and it looks completely different from OUR PC box.

Bonus Questions!!

Harmony was brought out of the PC, to the pokemon center, and a nurse Joy informed her that her pokemon was badly injured.

Bro, you so right. I realized this last year and was like "omg" until I remembered that- Pokemon language is different from human language. Ofc, there are pokemon who can read human language in the world, but pokemon and human stuff are different. And in the PC, things are translated into pokemon if not already in pokemon. This does mean pokemon can write to the trainer and it can get translated, but Vay is just an easier method of translation, especially for pokemon who have a harder time reading, writing, and typing (also there are different pokemon languages as well so oof) then like. Not every pokemon knows how to read and write. It’s a privlage usually given only to few captive pokemon. Wild pokemon learning how to read/write in their own language is VERY RARE, especially due to the lack of materials. And the only civilized boxes in the PC are box 1, 2, and 3, so only pokemon living in those boxes have a reason to learn how to read, and resources to learn.

Pokemon are born the height that they stay at all their life, unless they evolve. (Or are Nego. The little weirdo) This is to mimic how it is in pokemon games. So, no. Pokemon don't physically grow. They DO mentally age however. Pokemon tend to age mentally at different rates, so for example, a newborn who is immediately thrusted into situations not meant for a baby (ie, breeding, battling, contests) will mentally age faster than someone (like Eve) Who has stayed in the PC all their life. Nego and Eve are about the same age (Nego being 6 months older) Yet, Nego acts like an infant while Eve does not. This is because Nego ages physically and mentally like a human, while Eve ages quicker mentally, like pokemon do. This also tends to mean that when a pokemon is born doesn't matter much, as they can mentally be ahead or behind.

I hope these answered your questions!! I like talking about SSEC world building! (Its just that I never have the chance to talk about it in detail QuQ)

[frostsinth]

Royal Flush - Pt. 11

Part 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10 - MasterList - Art - Art - Art - Art - Art - Art - Art - Art - ... Art (can’t stop me… #obsessed)

Ok, so this is a very long update, but I didn’t want to cut ANY of it. But I really hope you will enjoy. Also, I think there will be 13/14 parts. Not 12. The boys are apparently not done with me yet!! And Morgana MAY have highjacked herself another chapter.

Also, also... I’m sorry about the end.

Comments and Reblogs give me life! The next part is already mostly written out, so if I have enjoy interest I’ll post it early. Want to commission your own piece? DM me for details! Check out my Masterlist above for more of my inane/insane ramblings, and please feel free to BuyMeACoffee while you are there!

I have an Alternative 10 page Part 11 that Immediately follows the events of last chapter available for purchase on BuyMeACoffee (which you can access through my Masterlist). There are only 10 copies available right now, so get them before they are gone. OH! And did I mention its NSFW? That piece is set in an alternative timeline, where Grier and Nikostratus.... well, I guess you’d just have to buy it to see. However, it is not a canon part of this story. Just an alternative spin the story could have taken.

All the best!

“Niko, Niko, Niko, NIKO!” Morgan half-sang, half shouted, punctuating each repetition of my name with a bounce on the bed. “Niko! NIKO!”

I sighed groggily, cracking open an eye and looking over at her. She reached across the bed, placing both hands on my shoulder and giving me a solid shake.

“Niko! The sun’s finally up!” She declared, then crawled closer to better shake me. “It’s morning! I slept! Can I go explore the castle now?” I started to yawn, and she bounced up and down impatiently. “Come ON, Niko! Get up!! Get up!”

“Alright, alright, little chickadee. I’m up.” I yawned again. “I’m up.”

I rubbed a hand across my face, slowly tugging myself into a sitting position. My whole body felt heavy and drained, as if I had spent the previous day climbing a mountain. It took me longer than usual to shake the grogginess from my head, and I lingered with my fingers pinching the bridge of my nose. The sun’s rays were slowly filtering in through the large windows beside the bed. Reaching sparkling tendrils of light towards us. Seeing that I was officially awake, Morgana bounded from the bed and skittered barefoot across the floor over to the clear glass. I swore she was almost vibrating with excitement, and pressed her face against it to peer out.

“Can we go outside? Are goblins awake during the day, or are they only up at night? Are there a lot of goblins?” She gushed, dancing from foot to foot before running back to the bed.

I ran my hand over the back of my head, then down to my neck, stretching my sore muscles, nodding slowly. “We can go outside, I’m sure. Goblins sleep at night too. And yes, there’s a lot of them.”

She tugged at my wrist as I swung my legs out of the bed, and I stood at her insistence. “What do you do all day? Do you run the city? Do you hold audiences?”

“I train with the General in the mornings.” I told her, stretching again now that I was standing. “And the King has been letting me shadow him, so I can learn more about the Kingdom. And I’ve been learning goblinese.” I tugged a fresh tunic over my head.

“Goblinese??”

I nodded, noticing a trunk in the foyer and guessing that some of the attendants must have brought it in last night while we were distracted. I padded my way over and started picking through her clothes before tossing her a fresh dress.

“That’s what goblins speak. Not all of them know Common.”

“Can I learn goblinese?” She asked eagerly.

I shrugged. “I don’t see why not. Wash up and get dressed.”

There was a knock as I directed her to the bathing room. I closed the door behind her, leaving it propped a tiny crack, before I headed back to the foyer to the one leading out to the hall. My heart skipped as a memory of soft green lips came unbidden to my mind. I quickly reminded myself that Grier would never be up this early, unless he had simply never gone to bed the day before. And cool beads of dread dripped down the back of my neck as I remembered what he had said…. “But I would like to speak more about… …. About everything.”  Everything. What was... everything? I swallowed hard, brushing the notion from my head as best I could.

Still, my hand shook a little as I tugged the door open. I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or disappointed that Seoc stood in the hall instead. He offered me a quick bow.

“Good morning, Your Highness.”

“Good morning, Seoc,” I replied cordially, nodding to him and hiding my nervousness well, “I hope everything is alright?”

He smiled up at me. “Of course, Your Highness. My apologies for the intrusion.” He dipped his head lightly again. “General Damjan sent word. He is curious if you will still be joining him his morning.”

I considered that, glancing over as the door to the bathing room opened. Morgana scuttled over, freshly dressed and eyes curious, quickly tucking herself at my side and peeking around the door. Seoc’s own eyes dropped to her, and he gave a friendly smile, bowing lightly.

“Princess.” He greeted her cheerily.

She looked between me and him, then tugged on my shirt subtly. I supposed she might be surprised. Wondering who Seoc was to be speaking to her without having first been spoken to. Not that she minded, I knew. Likely she was estatic. She just didn’t know how to react to it. I was again reminded how different customs were between the two kingdoms. I instinctually dropped a hand to her shoulder, reassuring her as she shifted from foot to foot.

“I assume the King is not up yet?” I asked him, trying to sound as matter-of-fact as possible.

He hid a small smirk, as if amused by the thought of the King being up at any decent morning hour. “Not yet, Your Highness.” He cocked his head to the side and his big ears flopped. I saw Morgana’s eyes widen with delight. “Would you like me to have breakfast brought up for you?”

“What do you think then, Princess?” I mused, giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Would you like to go to the training grounds with me? Or are you hungry?”

She looked between me and Seoc again for another quiet moment, her eyes still wide with wonder. “... I could go with you?” She asked timidly, her voice softer than usual, “Do you fight with the goblins?”

“Of course, you can. And we spar; only for training and exercise purposes.” I assured her. Then nodded to Seoc. “Perhaps the General would be willing to show the Princess and I around the grounds? In lieu of our usual match.”

“I can send word, Your Highness, if you would give me a moment.” He replied. “Then I can escort you down if you wish.” The goblin tilted his head to the side. “I am certain the King would enjoy sharing breakfast with you as well. Shall I let Lord Hibik know to inform us when he wakes?”

I stiffened a little, then gave a curt nod. “That is an excellent suggestion, Seoc... Let me fetch my boots while you send word, yes?”

“As you wish, Your Highness.”

A few minutes later we were off to meet Damjan. Morgana shyly hid in my shadow, tugging on my sleeve and whispering things to me. Despite that, and the innate joy I felt just to have her at my side, I couldn’t help but linger on what came later on after our tour…

….

Seoc bowed as he opened the door for us, stepping to the side to allow us to enter. Morgana kept a step behind me, alternating between peeking around my legs and hiding herself there. I knew it must be strange for her; she had been taught to stifle her curiosity and told to sit still for as long as she could remember, save with me. Surrounded by statues, and not allowed to ask questions or speak. Ignored, for the most part, as most children at Court were. But here, everyone smiled at her. Everyone greeted her, and when she forgot herself for a moment and asked a question, they were always eager to answer. She had never perfected her composure and mask as I had; but I still saw her struggle a little, as she tried to determine what was expected of her. It made my heart ache to see, and I was glad to have taken her as far away from that place as I could.

The small sitting room we entered was well lit, with a small crackling fire before the couch and armchairs sat before the knee-high dark wood table. I saw Morgana’s eyes skitter about, considering the cluttered décor and bright colors. My eyes settled much more quickly on the room’s occupants.

Grier sat on one end of the couch, shuffling grumpily through a few papers Hibik offered him. Perhaps it was my imagination, but I felt that he looked a fair bit more tired than usual, with dark circles around his eyes. At the sound of the door, his gaze flicked up. Meeting mine. My heart skipped and I resisted the urge swallow. Especially as those thin lips split into a small, wry smile.

“Ah, my favorite pair of royal siblings.” He exclaimed, glancing back at the papers once more before passing them to Hibik with a nod. “I trust you slept well?”

Morgana peeked around my leg curiously, and he offered her a smile. As he seemed to be speaking directly to her, she bowed her head lightly. “Good morning, Your Majesty. Thank you for your inquiry.” She replied formally.

Grier cocked one brow, standing slowly and waving Hibik out the door. “My, but the family resemblance is strong.” He replied dourly, tilting his head to the side. “There’s no need for that, Princess. You may always speak freely around me.”

Morgana glanced up at me, surprised and a little curious. I pushed her hair back out of her face, the corners of my mouth twitching. But I gave her a small nod, and she looked back at the King.

“... I can still call you ‘Grier’?” She asked shyly.

His smile returned. “Of course! I hope I can still call you ‘Morgana’, yes? And you can still ask me questions.” He beckoned us both deeper into the room. “Perhaps you can even help me convince Nikostratus to do so as well.” He told her with a wink.

A tiny smile lit her own lips as a flush prickled my cheeks at his words, and she glanced at me only once more before walking around to sit in one of the armchairs beside the table. I followed behind, pretending not to notice the goblin’s eyes following me as I did. I settled on the couch, and tried not to stiffen as he settled back in the seat at the opposite end. The couch was not nearly so long; his knees could almost brush mine when he turned to the side, as he did now. He reached out, flipping a cup and pouring some coffee into it. I peeked at him through my lashes as he offered it to me. Forcing myself not to quiver as our fingers brushed together when I took it from him.

“Please, help yourselves.” He told us, though his eyes never left mine. “I am sure you are hungry.”

“Thank you.” I replied softly, my voice barely above a murmur. I ran my thumb along the edge of my drink, but then raised it to take a slow sip. I wondered what he was thinking. I tried to look at him from the corners of my eyes, wondering if he would want to talk immediately. Or if I would have to suffer the dread of waiting even longer. It had been all I could think about for the previous few hours. I couldn’t fathom having whatever pending conversation he had planned in front of my sister, but couldn’t tell if he would take her presence in to consideration either.

“There are no forks!” Morgana exclaimed after a moment, bringing me back to the present. I turned to find her looking over the spread, and saw her glance up nervously.

“No, I suppose there are not.” Grier replied, amused, leaning back with his own cup.

She tilted her head to the side, slowly coming out of her shell again. “... How do you eat?”

The goblin smirked, taking a sip. “With our hands.” He tilted his head back to the side. “Do humans eat with their feet?” 

Her smile grew a little at his teasing. “No. But, we don’t touch food.” She looked over at me. “...We’re not supposed to touch the food. It gets our hands messy.”

The King ‘hmm’ed softly at that. “Goblin food is meant to be eaten with your hands.” Grier told her. “I suppose it must not be as messy as yours.” 

She looked back over the spread. Then back to me.

“Go ahead.” I encouraged her. “Try some. I think you’ll like it.”

She gingerly picked up a pastry, bringing it to her mouth to sniff. After the first bite, she was hooked, and I almost smiled as she quickly scarfed down the rest and went for another. She cast another nervous glance at both of us, but whenever neither of us looked particularly upset at her manners, she took another handful. I saw her little shoulders relax a little. The goblin picked up a morsel for himself, taking a solid bite and chewing thoughtfully for a moment.

“Would you like some tea?” He offered her, gesturing to the pot. “How did you find the castle this morning? I hope you got the chance to explore a little.”

“No, thank you.” She said politely, swallowing another mouthful. “We saw the training cliffs.” She glanced at him through her lashes, and he gave her an encouraging nod. Her smile started to spread wider across her lips. “You can see the mountains from there! It’s very cold... Is it always cold here? Do goblins get cold? Do you wear fur hats?”

Grier chewed thoughtfully. “I suppose it usually is quite cold, but inside the mountain we keep it nice and toasty so we don’t notice. And of course we get cold! We aren’t dragons.” He grinned at her. “And I have a few fur hats.”

She giggled, plucking up a new item to try, sniffing at it experimentally. Her hazel eyes flicked to me as she did.

“You need to eat too, Niko.” She reminded me, before looking over at Grier. “Niko doesn’t eat much.” She explained to him. “I think he forgets he’s hungry. It’s not good for him though! He’ll make himself sick.”

I blushed slightly, starting to open my mouth to reply. To my surprise, Grier chuckled. 

“I’ve noticed that.” His scarlet eyes flicked to me at their corners. “He won’t eat if he’s nervous… or flustered.” I felt my blush deepen as the goblin leaned forward, calling my sister’s attention to a tray of pastries in the center. “Do you see these? We call these uyapik. There’s different types for every meal. But each bite is like a whole plate of food in one.” He picked one up, holding it out to her. “It has vegetables, and meat, and often cheese. All in one neat little package.”

Her eyes filled with wonder as she took it from him. She took a bite, then nodded excitedly. “Oh, this is perfect! It’s so yummy!”

Grier grinned. “Even Nikostratus can usually manage to eat one or two of these. A single uyapi should have just about everything he needs.” My eyes widened slightly with the sudden realization of why the goblin pastry had become such a prominent feature through the duration of my stay. The King’s grin turned a little coy at the corners.

“Here, Niko,” She exclaimed, popping out of her seat and grabbing one in each hand, “These are yours.”

I fumbled with my cup to make space for them in my own hands before they fell on my lap. “Chickadee, I-”

“Do you always eat with him?” She asked Grier, ignoring me. “Do you goblins have lunch and dinner too?” She drew in a sharp breath, suddenly looking a little concerned. “Do you have desert??”

Grier nodded. “I try to eat with him for every meal. And yes, we have a midday meal and an evening meal.” His grin grew. “And of course we have desert. Nothing more important than that!”

Morgana giggled, leaning against my knees behind her and looking over the table again. She picked up something that looked like a hardboiled egg, though it was freckled with green spots. She seemed to think about that for a moment. “... Do goblins have weddings, too? When are you going to get married?”

I started to sputter something, and Grier chuckled again. “Our ceremonies are different than yours, but we do have ‘weddings’, so to speak.” His scarlet eyes flicked to me, and I nearly froze in place. “And I hope soon, though we still have to plan it.”

“Can I help? Will Niko be a King afterwards? Do goblins share rooms when they are married?” She tilted her head to the side. “Will you move in with him, or will he move in with you? Is your bed big enough? Niko is very tall.”

“N-now, hold on a second, chickadee,” I started, my face hotter than a furnace, “You can’t just-”

“Niko doesn’t like talking about this stuff.” She told Grier, ignoring me, leaving me sputtering and flushing darker. “This one time, I asked him about kissing, and he-”

I clapped my free hand over her mouth, shaking my head fervently as I felt my ears catch fire from embarrassment. “I-I think that that’s quite e-enough of that.” I mumbled, reaching out to place the remaining uyapi on the table and wrap my arm about her waist to hoist her to the side. As if hiding her from his view would assure the goblin forgot her words.

Grier laughed, which only served to make my flush spread down the back of my neck. “Well, I do believe she’s asked some very good questions, my young Prince.” He teased. “Very practical, your little bird is.”

I dropped my hand with a soft shout of disgust as she licked her tongue across my palm. Before I could catch her again, she darted around the other side of the table. Giggling excitedly. I wiped my hand on my pant leg and shot her a small scowl. Which only had the goblin laughing again. I stiffened at the sound.

“I-I apologize,” I started to stammer, working hard to find some semblance of my composure once more.

The King waved it away. “No apologies necessary.” He grinned at me. “I like seeing you like this.”

“Like what?” Asked Morgana curiously, darting a little closer to his side of the table.

His grin grew. “More relaxed. And of course, flustered.” I dropped my eyes to the floor quickly, unable to meet his. “I think it makes him look very cute.”

Morgana giggled again, sneaking around the other side of the couch. She had to practically jump over the back, but managed to wrap her arms around my shoulders with her feet dangling off the ground. I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye suspiciously.

“Niko! He thinks you’re cute!” She whispered conspiratorially in my ear. “You should say something nice back!”

I would have stood and attempted some excuse to bolt from the room had my sister not been currently so precariously wrapped about me. I stammered uselessly for a minute, which just made Grier laugh again and my ears burn. Could he hear her?

“Come on, Niko!” She urged. “... I know! Tell him you like his hair.”

“N-now, se-see here, you two.” I mumbled weakly, shaking my head. “Th-this… this is… Ah…”

“Perhaps we should let your brother be for a minute, yes?” Grier offered, his smirk still coyly twisted about his lips. “Elsewise he might just catch the couch on fire. Or forget how to breathe.” I felt Morgana’s arms loosen at his words, and wrung my hands nervously in front of me. “... Would you like to meet your potential Lady in Waiting now?” Grier continued, easily changing the subject. “I have a few noble ladies come to call to meet you.”

“Goblin ladies?” Morgana asked eagerly, slipping back around to the front of the couch. Her previous motives already forgotten in light of this new information.

The King chuckled. “Yes, of course. As I do believe the current population of humans in our Court is limited to this room at the moment.” He shifted in his seat. “You can meet them all, and if you like any of them, they can be your Lady.”

My sister picked up a uyapi, quickly finishing it off in two bites before picking up another pastry and stuffing that into her still chewing mouth as well. She turned back to me as she swallowed it.

“See, Niko? I ate! Can we go meet the goblins now?”

I tried to relax, swallowing hard and attempting to wrangle my swirling thoughts into some semblance of order. 

“Actually, Morgana,” Grier interrupted before I could voice whatever I had managed to compile, “Perhaps Hibik can take you to meet the young ladies.” I stiffened again, looking over at him. “They are just down the hall, and I’m not sure Nikostratus has eaten very much himself yet.” He cocked his head to the side. “Would that be alright?”

She nodded eagerly. “Oh, yeah. You’re right.” She turned back to me, pointing one scolding finger at my nose. My eyebrows shot up a little. “You need to eat. And you’d better have before I get back.” She warned.

“I beg your pardon-”

To my surprise, she then skipped in between us, picking up my hand and Grier’s. And pressed them together until they folded over each other. My mouth flapped uselessly as my face blazed.

“There.” She proclaimed, putting her hands on her hips and looking out our now entwined fingers. “That’s better.” She turned to Grier who looked a little surprised himself. “Make sure he eats, ok?”

As if on cue, Hibik opened the door with a knock, arms full of paperwork and a greeting on his lips. Morgana skipped around the couch to him.

“Lord Hibik, Grier says you’re to take me to see the goblin ladies,” She told him, and then started to dart out the door around him. “Let’s go!”

“Morgana-” I began exasperatedly, moving to stand, then froze as the King’s fingers suddenly tightened around mine.

“Hibik, if you would be so kind.” Grier instructed him, waving his free hand lightly.

His secretary looked between us, wide eyed, then quickly scrambled to close the door and follow after my sister. A few papers fluttered to the ground in his wake, forgotten in his haste.

My heart thudded in my chest and I stared numbly at the door for a long moment. Torn between Morgana no longer being in my sight and the heat slowly spreading down my neck as Grier kept our fingers firmly and stubbornly latched together. After a moment, I chanced a glance at our hands on the couch between us where she had left them.

“You know,” He finally said after an extended moment of silence, “I was originally under the impression that you were the primary caretaker for Morgana.” I straightened slightly at his words, and I could hear the grin lacing his next. “But now, I’m not entirely so sure it’s not the other way around.”

“Ah… She’s…” I mumbled, face still flaming. “She can be a bit… pushy.”

He chortled lightly. “She cares a lot about you. And I think she does an excellent job watching out for you. For a nine year old.” His voice became a little more somber suddenly. “... We spoke about you for a time, yesterday. Before you happened upon us.” I noticed him shift a little closer, and my legs tingled to stand. “... I’m afraid she might have told me a few secrets of yours after all.”

I swallowed hard, shifting in my seat. Trying to pretend I didn’t have any idea what he was talking about and still unable to meet his gaze. “O-oh?”

His thumb moved across my knuckles. “She gave me a little glimpse into your life before… all this…” The goblin slid even closer, and his other hand came up to cap ours. “... I didn’t get the impression it was a particularly happy life.”

“It’s unfortunate that she gave you that impression,” I replied after a breath, shrouding myself in a flat formality that was belittled by my unwillingness to meet his eyes, “However, I can assure you that…” I dropped off, “... That… umm…” I felt a strange numbness tingling through me, and realized I hadn’t the will to fabricate that particular lie. Especially to Grier. I glanced off to the side. “... It had its moments.”

“Most of them focused around your little bird, I would assume.”

I slipped my hand from his grasp, bringing it to clasp my other in my lap. I stared down at them for a moment. “... I-I… I am sure it is unimportant.”

“.... I was about Morgana’s age when my father died.” He told me quietly. “One day he was there and the next…” I peeked at him through my lashes, and saw him looking off at some distant spot. “... My mother ruled in his stead, and she made sure I had the freedom to… well, to be a child. To go on little adventures, and play, and have fun. She let me make friends with whomever I wanted... She didn’t hold me to adult standards of self control and etiquette. I didn’t have to make tough decisions that impacted the entire Kingdom, or be faced with those responsibilities. I didn’t even really know about them. She didn’t ask me to be a King or even a royal while I was still a kid…”

I looked at him, and my brow furrowed angrily. “I do not hold Morgana to adult standards.” I argued, my voice becoming terse. “I do not demand she sit still or quiet, nor do I lay any royal responsibilities on her shoulders-”

“I know.” He interrupted me before I could get too heated. 

As he dropped off, I tried to wrap my head around why then he had told me about his own childhood. What point he had been trying to make... And suddenly I knew it wasn’t Morgana he was talking about. A cold chill swept through me at the realization. I blinked at him stupidly, then shook my head. Looking away once more. A tense silence stretched between us for a long moment. Finally, I cleared my throat, shaking my head. Moving to speak. But nothing came out.

“I don’t mean to pry. It was just something I realized while I was speaking with your sister.” He continued, when I still hadn’t spoken. Then he sighed, and I saw his hand come up, pushing his hair back out of his face. “I’m… not sure if you would want to talk about it… but I’m here if you do.”

I chewed on my tongue for a moment, glancing over at the door. “... Talk about what, exactly?” I asked, and winced at the bitterness in my voice. “Talk about the King? Talk about... ‘all this seriousness’?” I felt a numbness spreading through my chest, and my eyes became unseeing. “...Talk about my mother? … What good would it do? Talking?” I sounded distant, even to my own ears, and painfully flat. “What does it change?” I shook my head once more, the sensation deadened by the numbness. “... I-I don’t… I don’t want to talk about it.”

He nodded quickly. “Ok…. That’s fine. I understand.” The goblin patted my knee gently. “It was callous of me to bring up… I apologize.”

Grier moved to stand, starting to withdraw his hand. I grabbed it suddenly, then winced. Releasing it almost as soon as I had, embarrassed. But he froze for a breath, before dropping back down. Sitting beside me once more. Slowly, he reached out, slipping his hand into mine. I didn’t move as he did, and stared at his fingers as he wiggled them between my own. Watched them curl around mine in my lap, felt his warmth seep into my palm. I hesitated, then slowly closed my own fingers.

“... I don’t want to talk about it... but…” I told him, my voice weak, and frayed. I hated the sound of it, and closed my mouth to trap it once more. I glanced down at our hands, and felt mine twitch in his grasp.

“I can stay.” He murmured softly, and his thumb ran back and forth over my own. “We can talk about something else…” The goblin hesitated, and I glanced at him. “... Morgana also said you went away for a while, but she didn’t know where. Only that you were… different when you came back.”

Instantly I stiffened. Remembering exactly what she had said regarding that time. My heart throbbed painfully in my chest. I started to pull my hand from his. Then… I stopped myself. Hesitating. Glancing back at our entwined fingers. My tongue felt too large for my mouth again. I felt him give my hand another gentle squeeze. I tried to take courage from it.

“... I went to the front lines.” I said, so quietly he had to lean forward to hear me.

He seemed to sense I didn’t particularly want to talk about that either. And thankfully let it be. Instead, we sat in silence for a moment, and he brought his free hand to trace small circles on the inside of my wrist. I slowly calmed my racing heart, and felt my breath become more steady.

“... Morgana will need a tutor.” I told him finally, my voice still quiet. Straying back into safer waters. “I-I am not sure how long she will be able to stay with us, but-”

“It’s not a problem.” He assured me, stroking my hand gently. “She can stay as long as she likes.” He chuckled lightly. “Which I hope is for a very long time... What did your brother mean though? ‘When it’s safe’?” He frowned. “Safe from what?”

I scowled, my heart rate jumping again. “... The King, in his wisdom, spoke of his plans to…” A bitter taste settled on my tongue, and I shook my head angrily. “... Valerianus and I feared for her welfare.”

Grier mirrored my scowl, and made a soft, disgusted noise. “Are you sure you wouldn’t like me to forcibly remove him from the throne?” He asked bitterly. “I would be only too happy to do so.” I shook my head distractedly, then stopped, a sinking feeling filling my throat. I glanced sidelong at the goblin, and he caught the look. “... What is it?”

“If…” I hesitated, stopping myself and staring down at our hands. A sudden fear filled me, a dread for the answer that I felt was forthcoming. It was the question I had been avoiding for almost the entire duration of my stay. My eyes darted to the door, as if we might be interrupted at any moment. “I-if I had not…” I took a steadying breath. “If I had not agreed to this…” I stopped again, my palms feeling clammy. I started to pull my hand out of his.

To my surprise, he latched on tightly to it. “I would never have accepted Morgana in your place.” He told me bluntly, and I winced at his words. The goblin, of course, had seen right through me. “I can’t even think of a child as...” His voice sounded disgusted even as he dropped off. Red eyes reached between us, and I met them nervously. “I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you.”

My heart lodged in my throat. “But you couldn’t have known I would-” I started to argue.

“I hoped.” He returned, cutting me off. “... And you forget…” I saw his slender eyebrows twitch. “I was winning the war… I didn’t need this peace.”

My eyes must have flashed with my anger, because I saw his expression quickly recoil from his teasing. “...And had I not agreed to marry you, you would have done... what exactly?” I asked tersely. “Finished the war? Destroyed our Kingdom?” I tried to pull my hand from his. “Would you have had my family and I beheaded or just banished?” My tone was mocking and sharp. “... Or would you have imprisoned me instead?”

“No! No, of course not!” He grabbed at my wrist as I wriggled my fingers free of his. “I just meant I wasn’t forced to take a partner. I could have waited.”

“So you forced my hand instead.” My voice was becoming colder by the minute. “We needed the peace. Our people were dying. Were suffering.” I used my opposite hand to tear his off my wrist. “This was all a game to you… It’s always just...” My voice broke a little, but I quickly scowled to conceal it. “You might have been able to wait. I did not have that luxury.”

I wasn’t sure why I bit so hard back at him. Maybe because he had picked at a scab I had tried to keep hidden away. Maybe because I felt vulnerable, with him prying at my childhood, and longed to find some sort of foothold. And found a strange strength and familiarity in the anger. But when I glanced up at his face, and saw the pain there… I winced. Suddenly feeling uncertain, and more vulnerable than before. I shook my head, giving into my urge to flee the turmoil raging inside me and standing quickly. I only took a few steps away though, and stood with my back to him. Facing the fireplace.

“I didn’t mean to… to force you into this…” He finally managed after a few tense breaths. “I tried to give you opportunities to change your mind… to choose a different path... to… to wait, as I could have...” The King’s voice was melancholy and soft, and I focused on the flickering flames in an attempt to block it from my heart. “But it seems… as per usual… I didn’t quite think things through. I didn’t fully realize how much you needed the Treaty. How willing you were to sacrifice yourself for the sake of your people…”

I heard the soft creak of the cushions as he stood, and stiffened slightly. My neck itched to turn and look. To see what he was doing. To know what shape his thin lips took then, or what shade of red his eyes were. Would they be dark with his regret? Or would they flash with his pain? His slender knit eyebrows, would he have them scrunched up towards the top of his nose? Crushing together his heavy brow, piling each on top of the other; the way they did when he was mad. Or would his face be soft, with his brows almost drooping off the sides of his face, making his eyes big? Was his chin tilted up to look for my face, making his hair fall down his back? Or would he be staring at the floor, unable to find the courage to meet my gaze, and have the messy locks framing his sharp jaw and prickling his long ears? It bothered me more than I cared to admit that I didn’t know, and was left with only the memory of his face in my mind’s eye. Yet my pride, and my fear, would not allow me to turn to him. Even though having nothing but the hollow shadow of his face set a deep ache in my chest.

“... As Royals, I suppose our method is rather backwards…” He finally sought to fill the silence, and his voice placed him somewhere at my back, still close to the couch. “We marry first, and have our courtship after… We have to just hope the person we picked is a good match...” I heard him shuffle a step closer. “... I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound like I’m making excuses… But I didn’t need to wait… I didn’t want to wait… because… because...”

I jumped as his hands suddenly came around my waist, then slid to my front until his arms were wrapped as far around me as they could go. I felt him bury his face into my back, and wasn’t sure whether to stiffen at his touch or shiver. I froze, halfway through a breath. Confused by his proximity, and the heat of him bleeding through the fabric of my clothes.

“I saw you, Nikostratus, and I knew I wanted you… Knew I needed you… From the very first moment I laid eyes on you… I was lost.” His voice was muffled, but each word still stabbed at my heart. “I-I guess… I guess I just hoped that you would feel the same.” I felt him shake his head. “But you don’t need to. I know I’m… I know that maybe I move too fast for you… I beg that you can forgive me… because when it comes to you, at the very least, I am… weak...”

I let out a shaky breath, and my hand moved of its own accord to lightly brush against his arms around my waist. My mind spun, and again I had a hard time finding my voice. I was glad he couldn’t see my mouth flap like a fish.

“... Grier…”

He shook his head against me a second time. “It’s ok. I’ve already forced you into enough. You don’t have to say or do anything-”

“Can I just-” I snapped, then sucked in a tight breath, stilling myself. Trying to calm the soft lingering smolder of my anger. Trying to pull something more cohesive from the swirl of emotions in my chest. “... The past is the past... and we can’t go back and change it now.” I hesitated, then rested my hand on his arm. “... Maybe we should leave it there.”

Before he could respond, there was a loud clattering crash from beyond the door, and a few girlish shrieks. I heaved a hefty sigh, reaching up and pinching at the bridge of my nose. The King’s arms loosened a bit, as I sensed him turning towards the hall.

“I’ve left her alone too long.” I mumbled. “... I should go see what trouble she’s gotten up to now.”

As I slowly turned, he released me, keeping his eyes low. I could see him clearly now... His face was in the shape of pain; his brow knitted, his mouth small and downturned. I couldn’t see his eyes, and his wild hair fell in a frame around his face. My heart throbbed against my ribcage. I watched him nod slowly, and swallowed hard at the sight.

“... We can…” I hesitated again. “... We can talk more… later. Yes?”

He glanced up at me through his lashes. “I’d like that.”

I didn’t bother with a further farewell. Instead turning and breezing out the door. Following the sounds of growing chaos to locate Morgana.

...

The trouble with the goblin noble ladies had been more or less quickly sorted. It simply appeared to have been a small misunderstanding regarding an over extended elbow and a supposedly priceless vase. Apparently the ladies had not expected such a rambunctious human princess. But they had all seemed rather nice. Most were only a few years younger than myself, though none came past my waist. They giggled and ogled at me from behind fans, shy and formal with fluttering, oversized lashes (the latest goblin trend, I learned). However, they gushed over Morgana, and seemed to truly enjoy her spirit. After we wished them a farewell and Hibik had escorted them out, she asked me if she could have all of them be her Lady.

I didn’t have the strength to return to the room Grier might still be, so we explored the halls while she debated the qualities of each. Trying unsuccessfully to pick one from the gaggle. I let her speak, following her about with a torch in one hand. I didn’t mind. It was nice to hear her voice, and see her so excited.

So I ambled along the hall quietly, my eyes downcast as my sister sprinted around me to explore every nook and cranny as we walked. Of which there were a lot. My face was set into its usual mask of ‘seriousness’. But internally, my mind was buzzing like a thousand angry insects. At first I tried to orchestrate my thoughts; to corral them into one pattern. Soon the effort started to give me a headache, so I allowed my mind to do as it would. Barely comprehending each thought or emotion before it ricocheted off the side of my skull and another took its place.

Grier, of course, was at the forefront of my thoughts. What he had said about not needing this Treaty… but instead needing me? Gods, I just couldn’t understand his thinking. It had only been a few weeks, and the goblin was obsessed with me. I wondered if that’s how it was with goblins. Once they decided on a partner, they fixated on them. Unable to think of anyone or anything else. And he had decided on me the minute he saw me walk into the throne room. No thought, no debate. No getting to know me, or wondering if he should or shouldn’t. A part of me envied his quick and confident decision. I couldn’t think of a time I hadn’t agonized over a choice, even tiny ones. Another part of me, a smaller, quieter part… understood it. Not in the same way, albeit. The first time I had met Grier, I had been on edge. Almost terrified of him and what he represented for my people and my future. But now…

He had always been gentle with me, if a little callous at times. He had always sought to understand me, and make me as comfortable as he was able. He had fawned over me, and constantly went out of his way to speak his mind and heart to me. Which… I supposed… was part of the problem. I had never had anyone be so… And to be faced so boldly with such powerful emotions... ones that I had never been allowed to express or understand… it was unnerving. Though I found the more he did it… the less it shocked me. And I couldn’t entirely deny how much I found I enjoyed his company myself. Nor could I ignore the pleasantness of the warm feeling he elicited in my chest...

“Hey, Niko?”

I came back to the present with a few slow blinks, and turned to consider my sister as she ducked beneath my elbow. “Yes, little chickadee?”

“You ok?” Her little hands came up to wrap around my arm, and she gave it a gentle tug. “You seem… not here.”

My cheeks tinted a shade darker, and I cleared my throat lightly. “Ah, sorry, chickadee… I was just… thinking.”

“I like it here.” She told me, beaming. “It's big, and pretty, and everyone smiles a lot…” She skipped over to the nearest bobble, making funny faces in its reflective surface. “And it’s so colorful!” She looked over her shoulder at me. “... Do you like it here, Niko?”

I sighed quietly, glancing around. Considering it for a moment. “... I think I’m starting to.”

“It’s kind of messy for your tastes, isn’t it?” Morgana smiled, darting back over to scoop up my hand and pull me further down the hall. “What about the goblins? Do you like them?” She dropped my hand to run over to another strange item, poking it carefully with one finger. “I think they are nice. And I like their ears.”

I smiled a little at that, glancing around. “They are a very kind people.” I agreed.

“Grier doesn’t really look much like a goblin.” She mused aloud, and my spine stiffened at his name. As if maybe she had been reading my thoughts earlier. “He’s taller than me. And his ears are smaller than other goblins’.” She shrugged, turning and leading the way to another intersection. “He is green though, and he dresses funny. I think that’s enough.”

“Chickadee, you shouldn’t-”

“What’s it like to be married, Niko?” She asked curiously, looking back over her shoulder at me.

I stammered uselessly for a second. “I-I’m afraid I don’t have an answer for that...”

She scoffed. “Not yet, anyway.” She turned her attention to the left, and skipped to the edges of the torchlight before waiting for me to catch up. “But I think you’ll like it.”

“I’ll let you know.” I replied dryly, and she giggled.

“This way.” She told me, pointing down another hallway. I followed along behind her obediently. “Do you think I’ll get married someday?”

My lips pursed, and I shook my head. “Absolutely not. I forbid it.”

“Niiikoo!”

“Nope. I’m sorry. You’re not allowed to grow up.” I told her as she charged at me to plow face first into my torso. “And only grownups get married. Ergo, you are never getting married.”

She laughed, wrapping her arms about my middle. “But I am growing up, Niko!”

“I have already forbidden it. So you cannot grow anymore.” I patted her head. “I hope you like being this tall.”

Morgana swatted my hand away, then shoved at me playfully. “You can’t keep me from growing up! You’re just a brother! Brothers can’t do that.”

“But we can do this.” I hooked my arm around her waist as she dove at me again, and simply hoisted her off the ground. Carrying her in the crook of my elbow. She screeched and kicked, alternating between laughing and yelling at me. I smirked, turning to make our way back down the hall.

“Not that way, Niko!!” She cried, punching the back of my leg. “Your rooms are the other way!”

I sighed, rolling my eyes. “Well, at least one of us has a good sense of direction.” I commended her, and turned to the correct hallway.

We were greeted by a few amused smiles as I toted her down the hallway. But despite a slight tinge to my cheeks, I found I didn’t much mind the audience. A vastly different experience than at our own castle. The goblin attendants were polite, stepping out of our way with small bows. Smiling and chuckling to themselves as we passed. I nodded to each appreciatively, formally, pretending I didn’t have a wriggling, squealing child tucked under one arm.

By the time we reached my rooms, she was laughing so hard she had gone limp in my grip. I shouldered open the door, extinguishing the torch and finally placing her back on her feet. She shoved at me again, as if to knock me off my feet. She did manage to rock me back a step, but I simply scooped her up again and dropped her over my shoulder until she relented and begged to be put down once more.

She huffed and puffed for a moment, her face flushed, and I smirked at her again. “That’s not fair! You’re bigger than me!”

I fluffed her soft hair. “Well, like I said. You’d better get used to being this size.”

“Would I be tall for a goblin?” Morgana asked me, swatting my hand away again. “Do goblin babies come from eggs? Are they very small?”

“Certainly not eggs, chickadee,” I replied, shaking my head, “And I would imagine they are quite small, yes. If you were a goblin, I suppose you would be tall… And also green.”

She giggled at my teasing, leading the way with a skipping step to the bedroom. I saw her eyes dart about, considering my chambers again. “Why are your rooms so empty, Niko? Where’s all your stuff??”

I stood behind the couch, following her eyes around. “Well… I don’t have much “stuff” here.”

“Why not?”

“... I haven’t been here very long.”

“Where does stuff even come from,” She mused, walking over to the empty sitting room. I followed a few paces behind her. “I just remember having stuff. I don’t remember getting it.”

“It depends on what it is.” I replied softly. “Some things you need, so you make sure you get them. Other things are gifts. Or perhaps tokens or remembrances. And those you collect as you go.”

She led us out to the balcony, leaning carefully over the edge. I wandered closer nervously, eyeing the long drop. And I made sure to stay within grabbing distance. Just in case.

“Ok. I’ll just have to get you gifts then.” She assured me, hanging off the railing by her arms to curl back to look at me. “That way your rooms won’t be so empty anymore.” Her head tilted to the side. “Though I guess you’ll be moving in with Grier soon. Is that where all your stuff is now?”

I stiffened and my face fell. She must have noticed, because she straightened herself out and leaned against the balcony again. We looked quietly out over the mountain range for a few minutes, and my thoughts swirled about dangerously.

“Are you excited to get married, Niko?” She asked me after a little.

I winced at the word, then glanced at her sidelong. “It’s… complicated, chickadee.”

“Why?”

I resisted the urge to sigh. “Well… I… I need to get married, to keep our people safe… I don’t really get a say in that... and whether or not I’m excited for it, I didn’t really get to choose it.”

She seemed to think about that for a second. “Yeah, but… the goblins are nice. And Grier is fun. And you’ll get to be a King, right?” She bounced a little, coming off the railing to wander over and draw circles on the cold glass of the window. “It’s like how sometimes you tell me ‘how do you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it’ whenever you want me to eat something yucky or wear something ugly.”

“It’s not quite-”

“And then sometimes, I try it, and I do like it.” She continued, ignoring me. “Valerianus says that since we’re Princes and Princesses, we don’t always get to do everything we want. And Grier said the same thing about being King. Some things we have to do. But…” She turned back to me. “That doesn’t mean we can’t like it too. Even if we didn’t get to pick it.” Her head tilted to the side. “Sometimes we think we want one thing, but really, it's not very good for us. Or it's only good for a little while. Like desert!” She danced from foot to foot as she spoke. “And then, the thing we have to do is actually really good for us… Like broccoli.” She grinned. “...Grier’s even green too.”

I raised a brow at her. “... Did you just compare my fiancé to broccoli?”

She giggled. “I just think that you always say green things are good for us… And Grier’s green too… So that means he’s probably good for us.”

I laughed loudly at that, shaking my head. “Chickadee, you are a wonder.”

Her reply was cut off by a knock from inside. Before I could even think to say anything, she had darted back through the rooms and opened the door.

“Good afternoon, Princess,” Came Seoc’s voice as I made my way more slowly to the foyer, “You are just the royal I was hoping to see.”

“I am?” She asked excitedly, bouncing on her toes. She glanced over her shoulder at me as I slowly approached.

Seoc offered me a bow, and I returned a nod before he turned back to Morgana. “Yes, Your Highness. Your rooms are ready, and we have staff on hand to-”

She squealed so loudly the goblin nearly toppled over in shock. “My very own rooms in a goblin castle!” She cried, bouncing up and down. Morgana spun, grabbing my hand. “ Come on Niko! Let’s go see!”

I sputtered an apology to Seoc, who only grinned knowingly and led the way down the hall. Morgana was practically floating beside me, she bounced so much. And when we reached the soft pine doors, she broke away to sprint in and dart from room to room. Pointing out this or that feature, marveling at the mirrors... Greeting the startled goblin decorators who waited for instruction there.

I spent the rest of the day watching my sister decorate her quarters to her heart’s content. Asking for more curtains, more blankets, more pillows. I wasn’t sure where the goblin attendants managed to find the things she asked for, but each more ludicrous item she described they seemed to manage to procure out of thin air. By the time the sun had set, she was, for once, exhausted. Though still giggling with excitement. They brought us a light supper in her newly decorated chambers, and she regaled me with a retelling of a story she had read while I was away. Her new Lady wouldn’t be able to start until the following day (Morgana finally picked the one named Safa and sent word earlier), so Seoc was more than pleased to attend to us both for the time being. Hibik even stopped by once to see that everything was progressing smoothly. I wondered briefly about another goblin, but pushed that worrying thought from my mind.

I couldn’t remember the last time I had been able to spend so much time with Morgana without being constantly guarded or interrupted by other things. I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen her smile so much either. It left me in a pleasant mood, with the echo of a smile on my lips. Though I could feel the lingering buzz of my unattended thoughts permanently at the back of my mind throughout the afternoon.

When Morgana finally settled for the evening, I wished her a goodnight, and made my way out. Heading back to my own chambers down the hall, a walk so easy even I could manage it without assistance. Poor Seoc had been exhausted by my sister’s antics, and I had told him to retire early. I had a feeling tomorrow would be a busy day as well for him. My mind was heavy with the weight of my thoughts, and now without my sister to distract me, they flooded my consciousness again. I strode numbly down the hall, hardly paying attention to my surroundings.

So when I approached the door of my rooms and saw the goblin King leaning there against the wall, I nearly jumped out of my skin. I blinked at him stupidly.

“... I thought maybe we could talk more?” He proposed softly. “I didn’t like how we left things and... and I wanted to… maybe explain myself… again...”

I almost sighed, considering him, but couldn’t help my lingering good mood. “... How long has it been since your last confession?” I asked almost timidly, my voice dry. “Surely you must be filled to bursting since this morning…”

He gave me a toothy smile at my quiet teasing. I flicked my eyes away and rubbed at the back of my neck shyly.

“I do have a tendency to do that, don’t I?”

I nodded, then glanced at my door. Swallowing another sigh. “...D-do you… do you want to come in?”

The goblin’s grin turned sheepish. “...If it’s not too much trouble.”

I led the way into my chambers, hesitating in the foyer briefly before moving to the bedroom, seeing as there was nowhere else to sit. It was the first time I regretted my lack of furniture since moving in. Grier slowly sat on one side of the couch there, but as soon as I sat down too he quickly slid closer. I tried not to stiffen, even as my heart raced.

“... Are you still mad at me?” He asked, breaking the silence that had blanketed us.

I did sigh then, shaking my head. My mouth opened, then I slowly closed it again.

“I never meant to force you into this marriage,” He started to gush, “I never wanted-”

I held up my hand, silencing him. “I-I… I just need a moment…” I mumbled. “... To sort through…”

I jumped a little as he reached up and took my hand in his. But I let him slowly entwine his fingers between mine once more, and our hands fell onto the couch between us. I swallowed hard, my heart skipping in my chest. His touch had my thoughts swirling, and I struggled to try and sort through them. The King waited as patiently as he was able, yet with each passing breath I felt more and more anxious as I struggled to find what I wanted to say. Which simply made it more difficult to do so.

“... I-I… I’m not…” I shook my head again, then cleared my throat quietly. “We… I-I mean… you… or more rather… I…”

He glanced at me, lips twitching. His amusement made me even more flustered. I mumbled something incoherent and swallowed hard again. I started as he brought my fingers to his lips, resting a gentle kiss on my knuckles. I assumed he meant it to be a comforting gesture. It seemed to have the opposite effect on me. My face flushed, and I stammered something else before clamping my mouth shut. Letting the silence settle about us once more. I stared down at our hands now between us once more, uncertain what else to do in that moment.

“... I am sorry to have… perhaps pressed too hard for this moment,” Grier began, finally breaking the silence, “But… I have been dying to speak to you since…”

I didn’t answer, chasing a nervous breath down my throat with a quiet swallow. Still staring at our hands. I wasn’t sure how to answer. How to say anything at all. It was as though my tongue had completely forgotten the purpose for which it was originally designed… at the moment it was hopelessly lost in the memory of the taste of his.

“Can we perhaps… speak bluntly for a moment?” He asked, his voice soft with a foreign somberness to it. “... I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

I adjusted my tongue in my mouth, glancing over at the door. Remembering that morning with a wince. “I-I… I apologize for… f-for…”

He shook his head, and I stiffened as he slid a little closer. Lifting our clasped hands up to rest on his knee between us. I swallowed again, my eyes darting about in an effort to find some measure of distraction. No matter how small.

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” He reassured me quietly, tilting his head in an effort to try and catch my eye, “I just... Wanted to say a few things. And to ask a few things, if you are willing…”

I looked down at our hands, then back over to the door. Shifting nervously. “B-but… ah… Morgana…” I dropped off, my excuse sounding weak even to my own ears.

He chuckled lightly. “She’ll be fine for the night now, surely… I just…” He sighed, brushing his hair out of his face with his free hand, “This… this is hard for me… “

My heart suddenly plummeted into the pits of my stomach, leaving my head spinning. Hard for him? What was hard for him? My mind raced with a thousand possibilities, each one worse than the last. My outburst that morning had made him realize we wanted different things. Or perhaps he had been insulted that I did not return his affection. Perhaps he had come to his senses finally. Realized he didn’t like me as much as he thought. Or maybe he wanted to ask permission to take a lover. Or maybe something about… I raked my brain. What had happened yesterday? What had he seen? Was it my father? Was he worried about him? Or perhaps something to do with Morgana-

“I miss you.”

I jerked my head up, staring at him, absolutely flabbergasted. He shuffled, and now it was his turn to avoid my eyes. My mouth opened, then I closed it again. What in the gods’ names did he mean?? I had hardly been away from the man for more than two weeks. And during that time I had been dragged through emotional upheaval after emotional upheaval, been forced to face the most hated parts of myself, forced to face my father’s disownment, forced to… to feel this warmth. To wonder at the lighter-than-air feeling his company left me with. Forced to endure a heart that couldn’t decide whether it should race or freeze in my breast. All because of this man. All because I had hardly left his side. And yet, now he said he missed me? … Had I changed? Had I regressed to my previous self, all hard walls and blunted edges? Or perhaps my outburst from the morning had left him thinking I was an angry and bitter person. I ached with each thought, wondering what he could possibly mean.

He didn’t leave me waiting long. “It sounds silly, I know, but it’s the best way I can think to describe it…” His scarlet eyes drifted to our hands, and he slowly turned mine over. “I miss you. I miss you constantly. You’re… you’re all I can think about.” He ran his thumb across the palm of my hand. “And.. it’s hard, because… I don’t want to scare you, or rush you… But I just… I always want to be touching you. I always want to be near you. I think about the taste of your mouth, and the feel of your body against mine… and…” He smirked sadly, “And then I miss you.”

I stayed frozen, stuck in place. A haze around my head, a tingling in my fingers even as he ran his back and forth over them. My heart thudded so loudly in my breast I was certain he would be able to hear it, and I sought to quell its thunder. I wanted to speak, to say something back to him. But my thoughts were a swirling mess, and I couldn’t pull more than a word or two from the thicket. And nothing I pulled felt right.

“I… I was very angry at the castle yesterday…I could barely control it… ” He told me softly, “When I saw that… To think that he…” His jaw clenched, and he shook his head, “I hurt for you. I thought more than once about barging back into the chambers and just…” He sighed, “And now I…” Another sigh, and he shook his head. “... But then, I’m selfish... I’m selfish, and needy, and desperate for your attention…” He was still refusing to meet my eyes, staring down at our hands. “I want to be the one to make you happy. I want to be the one to have the secret of your smile. I want to know all your little intimate, hidden parts you keep tucked away. I… I want you to be mine. Completely mine. And I don’t want to share you with anyone else…”

I didn’t entirely feel like I was sitting there at all. I felt as though I was floating above us, listening to Grier’s confessional. But I was filled with that strange warmth, one becoming more and more familiar each time it flushed my frame from head to toe. I peeked at his face shyly from beneath my dark lashes, and noted that he was still avoiding looking at mine.

“I’m trying to be patient… Trying to stay in your comfort zone… But ah…” I thought he looked a little more green than normal, and a sad smile played at the corners of his thin lips. “But I wanted to keep you abreast of my thinking… so if you ever wanted to… to take some initiative, or ask for something… I wanted you to know that you’ll never overstep your bounds, or make me uncomfortable, or unhappy… or anything like that… Not that you have to,” He added quickly “… If this is all you ever want, I’m happy to give that to you too… ” He squeezed my hand gently. “You could ask me for the sun, and I would be content spending the rest of my life in darkness to give it to you…” Grier gave a soft laugh, shaking his head. “Aah, I didn’t… I didn’t mean to gush quite so much… especially after this morning…” He rubbed at the back of his neck with his free hand. “You must think me an absolute-”

I liked the taste of his voice in my mouth as I suddenly caught his against it. I liked the way he drew in a sharp breath, then quickly recovered to reach out with his free hand and catch the back of my head so eagerly. I liked the way he slid closer, until our thighs brushed together, stretching to the farthest extent of his reach. Lacing our lips as deeply against each other as he could. I shivered as his fingers ran along my hair, and his thumb traced just below my ear.

A wave of shyness washed over me after a shuttering beat of my heart, and I pulled back. Blinking and blushing profusely. He lingered nearby, our faces nearly touching, his hand still at the back of my neck. I opened my mouth, breathing shallowly for a moment, trying to will the words to my lips. I saw his scarlet eyes watching me quietly, filled with something I had no name for which left my heart skipping sporadically.

“...I’m…” I started, my voice barely beyond a whisper, “I-I’m… I’m not good at this…” My words felt smushed and mumbled, and I wasn’t sure he’d be able to understand me. But I had to try. I wanted to try... I stared down at our hands, still clasped on his knee. “I… don’t… I d-don’t… I don’t always know… what I’m…” I dropped off, swallowing hard. “What I’m… feeling…” I scoffed at myself softly. “I never know… And… A-and I don’t trust myself… with this…” I chanced a glance up at him. “... With you.”

His hand slid down, cupping my cheek. “... Can I help? … Am I rushing you?”

I hesitated, bringing up my hand to lay over his. Hooking my fingers around it as if I was going to pull it away. But then, I closed my eyes, and let myself lean into it instead.

“You do help.” I breathed against his wrist, and I felt him squeeze our other hands together. “And… I need… I think I need you to…. Push me… j-just a little.” My eyes half opened, and I stared off at nothing, still tucked into his palm. “Because… b-because I’m… I’m scared.”

“... Of me?” His voice was equally soft.

I shook my head, then hesitated again. I finally took his hand from my cheek, looking down at it still wrapped in my own. A dull ache formed inside me, and I felt my brow furrow. Felt lines crease into the edges of my eyes as I tried to find the words to describe whatever was pulsing through me. Whatever sensation this was… whatever emotion. But I couldn’t think of the words. Couldn’t find how to tell him… Then I brought his hand to my chest, and flattened his palm against it, pressing my hand lightly on top.

“... Of this…” I squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head slightly. Wondering if he could feel my heart sputtering beneath his fingertips. “I-I don’t… I don’t trust it… I don’t understand it…”

I felt his weight shift beside me, felt the brush of his breath against my cheek. Then the heat of his lips there, as faint as the air had been a moment before. He released my hand on his knee, bringing it up to hold my face steady, as he planted a gentle kiss on each of my eyelids. I shivered beneath his touch, and felt his fingers curl beneath mine against my chest. I didn’t dare move, afraid of breaking the moment. Afraid of losing the warmth curling through me.

“... After what I saw yesterday…” Grier murmured softly, his hand gently caressing my cheek, “I can’t imagine that you were ever allowed to have emotions… let alone express them… But… I see you, Nikostratus,” He pressed his hand a little tighter to my chest, “... I see how much you’ve changed, just in the short time you’ve been here…” He stopped, and I opened my eyes to find him kneeling on the couch, his legs behind him, perched slightly above me with scarlet eyes vibrant. I looked away from them shyly. “... Change is the wrong word… Especially with Morgana here…” I winced, and he leaned closer at that, resting his forehead against mine. “I’d like to think you two are more alike than perhaps you may first appear…” He sighed softly, his breath spilling across my face, and I drew it in deeply, greedily. “... It makes me wonder what it would’ve been like if…” He dropped off.

I started to shake my head, but he stilled me with his hand. “... I don’t want this for her…” I told him quietly, my voice thin. “I don’t want her to… to end up like me…”

“You act like that would be such a bad thing.” He replied, running his thumb along my cheek.

“... Is it not?” It was a question, but one that echoed with the sad solidity of a declaration.

“I like you. I like everything about you.” He pressed. “I think she would be lucky to end up like you.” He stilled me again as I tried to shake my head once more. “I think you fail to see what a good person you are. You are smart, and loyal, and kind. You are selfless, and honorable.” A smirk slipped across his lips. “And undeniably handsome.”

���S-stop… S-stop that…” I finally managed to shake my head, starting to pull away from him, suddenly sensitive to his touch. “I-I am… I am timid, and hesitant… I-I prefer being alone … I-I have a temper… and I don’t know h-how to… to explain myself… I don’t…” I stopped, glancing at him out the corner of my eye, “... I never take…”

“And I am an arrogant ass, who throws a fit when he’s not the center of attention.” Grier returned even as my voice petered out, catching his fingers in my vest and giving it a gentle tug. “I’m pushy, and demanding, and emotional. I’m impatient. I never think things through.” I let him pull me a little closer, and he ran his thumb over the buttons running down my front. “And I’m selfish, for wanting someone as wonderful as you…”

“You’re not…” I blushed, then averted my eyes. “Ah… y-you’re not… that much of an ass…” He laughed at my shy teasing, and my lips twitched at the corners, feeling a little bolder. “... You’re a good King… and you’re thoughtful… a-and amiable… and… a-ah…” I dropped off, my face growing even hotter. “A-and… gentle... And nice …” I stared down at my lap, running my thumb hesitantly across his knuckles still latched around my vest.

The fingers of his free hand came back to my chin, tilting my head. Just in time to meet his lips as they came to bear against mine. I let out a fluttering breath, hitched and fearful, but couldn’t help melting into his mouth. Leaning close. Feeling my head spin and that strange yet wonderful warmth filling me. He kissed me deeply, his fingers skipping back up my jaw to cup the base of my skull. His fist balled in my vest, pulling me closer to him. My free hand smoothed across his knee where he had left it. I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing myself to relax. Forcing myself not to think about anything else, and to just enjoy that moment… that moment of bliss, and the taste of his tongue as he slipped it between my lips. The heat of his hand on my neck. The insistent tug of his fist at my breast. 

By the time he finally broke away, he was practically on my lap. Half kneeling over me, half sitting, so that for once I had to tilt my head back to look up at him. Which I did, shyly, and he smiled. Baring those sharp, pointy teeth at me.

“I love the taste of you,” He murmured, stroking his fingers back and forth across my neck, “You always taste sweet, and you smell sweet too. I’m obsessed with the way you smell.” He leaned down, nudging his nose against the tip of mine. “I love the color of your eyes, and I’m haunted by that ghost of a smile you keep trapped at the edges of your lips.” His hand traced lower down my neck, slipping idly beneath my collar. “And your voice… I could listen to your voice all night…”

I didn’t know how to respond. I tried to find words, tried to ease the heat currently burning my ears. But the warmth was in my chest now, and though I longed to say something back, I just… couldn’t seem to make the sounds come out. So I opted for an alternative answer… and I brushed our lips together again, as gentle as a feather. Hoping that action would relay my meaning to him. I felt him leaning after me as I drew away. My eyes flicked to the side, hiding away from him even as he tilted his head to try and catch them once more. He seemed to consider this for a moment as my face flushed and my heart raced.

“Everyone has their faults, Nikostratus,” He told me, running his fingers along the bare skin at the top of my spine, “Only a statue can strive to be perfect.” Grier dipped, falling back into my line of sight and locking our eyes together. “But something made of stone can never live. And to be alive means taking the bad,” He snuck in closer, until his lips brushed against mine as he spoke his next words, “With the good.”

I let myself give in to the temptation of his breath on my lips. Closing the gap and kissing him again. And again. And again. I felt him ease himself closer, sliding his arm around my neck, slipping his hand at my front between the stealthily unbuttoned layers of fabric. The heat of him was intoxicating, and my own hands reached for his waist. I wasn’t sure if I pulled him there, or if he slid across himself, but suddenly I found him on my lap. His bottom resting on my thighs, his knees on either side of my hips. He curled over me, bending my head back with the passion of his kisses until it scraped the back of the couch. He kept one arm wrapped around my neck, the other was wiggling its way further under my vest. 

He seemed unable to sit still, like a wave cresting and falling, crashing slowly against my body. It sent a hot gush of emotions through me, and burned my core like fire. My hands slid around his waist, stacking one arm on top of the other to crush him to me, one palm pressed between his shoulder blades. To feel the life of him with each breath that pressed our chests together. To feel the passion as his hips slowly ground against mine. I would have groaned, had he allowed a single molecule of air to pass between my mouth and his. Instead I shuddered, quivering beneath his touch. Lost in the storm of his kisses. The taste of his mouth, the feeling of his tongue swirling around mine.

The goblin pulled back suddenly, and I found myself gulping in deep breaths of air that felt cold compared to the heat of his lips. My eyes fluttered open, and I stared up at him, my jaw a little slack. 

“Not yet…” He breathed against me, and I wasn’t sure if it was for my benefit or his, considering the hunger in his eyes. “... I can do better than this.”

I almost laughed, my gaze flickering down to his lips. “Better?”

“Special.” He crooned, dripping closer to me, and my breath shuddered from my own lips. “You said you wanted it to be special.”

I was distracted by the way the candlelight danced in his eyes, and didn’t respond for a moment. “... Did I?” I mumbled, belatedly.

He chuckled, and I could feel his breath against my cheeks again. “You did.” His teeth pricked my bottom lip lightly. “...And I live to please.”

“A-ah…” I stammered, then blinked earnestly, trying to clear the swirling heat in my head. “...R-right…”

His eyes traced around the edge of my face, and he settled on my lap carefully. My face burned as I became vividly aware of his growing “interest” in me as he did. And I could definitely feel my own blood rushing through more than just my face. My breath tasted different, and I itched to feel more of him. Burned to return to our previous pursuit... My heart raced and skipped, and my thoughts became a useless swirl again.

“Perhaps I should go,” He mused, though his voice sounded leery of the thought, “Let you… sleep. It’s late.”

He started to shift, and my arms suddenly tightened around him. My own eyes widened in shock of my own daringness. And I felt a shiver of anxiousness ripple through me as he looked back at me in what I supposed was surprise.

“O-or… Or you… y-you could…” I swallowed the fast forming lump in my throat, and wondered if my mouth had always been this dry. “A-ah… You could… s-stay.”

“Stay?” he echoed, and I nodded sheepishly, instantly dropping my eyes bashfully away from his. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t hear his grin in his voice with his next words. “... Well, I suppose I could… though your bed is smaller than mine.”

His teasing left my ears hot, and I suddenly recalled the fact that he was still sitting on my lap. And was likely just as aware of the bulge between my own legs. I quickly loosened my hold on him, rubbing at the back of my neck with one hand and trying to look around as if the empty bedchambers were far more interesting than the goblin perched on my person. He chuckled softly again, and I noticed him look over my shoulder for a minute. Chewing over the offer.

“I-it’s ok.” I quickly gushed. “You don’t have-”

“I want to.” He cut me off, then his hand came up, turning me to face him. “Just to sleep though… If you’ll have me.”

I nodded again, stealing quick glances at him periodically before darting my eyes away. I jumped slightly as he leaned back over me to kiss me again. Tenderly, as if I might dissolve into smoke should he be too rough. For half a second, I thought I had...

He broke away and slid off my lap, catching my hands up in his as he did. Tugging me lightly to my feet. And leading me over to the bed. My heart skipped and pounded in my breast, leaping about wildly. He released my hands to pull off his boots and stockings, and to untuck his tunic. I watched him for as long as I dared, then turned my back on him with the pretense of taking off my own boots to place in their usual place. I stood them neatly, folding my stockings and placing them alongside the rest. I tried not to think too much about the soft creak of the mattress as I heard him settling onto the bed behind me. Carefully, I removed my vest, brushing it down quietly and folding it. Then, a little more hesitantly, I removed my tunic. Folding that as well and placing it with the rest. I pretended not to notice the goblin watching me as I turned back. I noticed his shirt discarded on the ground and picked it up. Folding it neatly and laying it over the back of the couch. I even straightened his boots, placing them next to mine. Delaying my return to the bed further to walk around and put out the candles. Carefully, so as to not drip wax.

I heard his soft chortle, and glanced at him over my shoulder. He reached out a hand, as if to pull me in by it, and I nearly swooned for the sight of him. Stretched across my bed, propped up on one elbow. Reaching out to me while bathed in moonlight… I wished I could go splash myself with cold water. To make sure I wasn’t dreaming and for… other pressing reasons.

Timidly, I walked around the end of the mattress, to the empty side closer to the window. Climbing slowly in beside him. It was warm enough to lay with our torsos above the blankets, but he spread them lightly about our legs as we settled into them. I watched quietly, laying on my back with my head turned towards him. Stiff as a board.

“Would it make you feel better if I didn’t face you?” He teased gently, seeming amused. He rolled onto his side, facing the couch. I traced my eyes over the fine muscles of his back and shoulders. Studied the delicate drape of his long, wild hair.

Hesitantly, I dared slide closer. I let a few breaths pass before I turned onto my side, and reached towards him. My fingers faltered, and my hand shook. But after a few more heartbeats, I braved slipping my palm over his shoulder. His hand came up, brushing his fingertips along my knuckles. His touch soothed me a little more, and I slid closer. Until I could feel the heat wafting off his back. Before I could fully work up my courage, the goblin scooched towards me, closing the last of the gap between us and tucking himself into my chest. I tensed for a moment, then relaxed as the soft and spicy scent of him filled my nose. I slowly wound my arm around him, resting my head on the pillow, my chin and nose brushing his hair. It was soft, like satin, and thicker than I would have thought. Messy, certainly, but without knots or tangles. I tried to calm the heat racing through my veins.

Grier traced his fingers lazily up and down my arm wrapped about his middle. As he did, I felt myself loosen a little more. And more with each passing minute. I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding in a quiet sigh.

“Can I ask you something?” He murmured after a few quiet moments. I hesitated, then nodded against the top of his head. “... Would you want to move to my rooms? After we get married, I mean. Permanently.”

I tried not to stiffen again. Tried to let myself stay in that comfortable shape, curled around him. I swallowed hard, turning it over for a second.

“... I-I don’t… I don’t know…” I mumbled back. “I’d never really… considered... ummm…”

“What about kids?” He asked. “Last we spoke about them, you said you’d ‘never really thought about it’. Have you thought about it more yet?”

“O-oh…” I shifted, suddenly uncertain. “No… not really…”

“... Have you thought about our future at all?”

I swallowed hard again. “N-no…” I confessed. “B-but it’s only been… ah…”

He scoffed lightly, his fingers slowing their movement. “Well, I suppose it’s not like we need to rush… but I think about those kinds of things a lot…”

I said nothing for a long time. He lay still in my arms, and I didn’t relax again until his fingers restarted their movement. I sighed against his hair, blinking the tiredness from my eyes.

“I-I… I haven’t… I can’t seem t-to…” I stammered. His hand paused, squeezing my forearm wrapped around him reassuringly. I adjusted my tongue in my mouth. “I’m just… uncertain… and perhaps a bit… umm… wary…”

To my surprise, he nodded. “You’ve got a lot of walls, Nikostratus. And… I assume you put them in place to keep yourself safe. To keep yourself from getting hurt.” He squeezed again. “But if you’ll let me, I’d like to help you bring them down… At least around me.”

“I don’t know… I just…” I slowly wound my arm a little tighter around him, pulling him deeper into my chest. “I-I… I’ve never been… been asked before and… I just… don’t know...” I buried my face in his hair for a moment, then turned my head to the side once my lungs were filled with his scent. “I don’t know how… how I feel… or… Or what I want…”

I hesitated, and must have drawn in sharp enough a breath that he felt it. “You can tell me,” He told me softly, and I wondered what his face looked like at that moment, “It’s alright. Be honest.”

I shifted again. “I’m not sure yet if… If I really like you… or if…” Again I hesitated, and he squeezed my arm gently once more. “... Or if I am just… just finally letting myself… like someone…” I closed my eyes in denial of their burning edges. “I need more time… I-I need to know before…”

He didn’t say anything to that, and part of me longed to see his face again. To see what he was thinking, as I knew it would be plainly written across his features. Another part of me didn’t. I wasn’t sure what I would do if I saw the ache echoing there that I felt in my chest. It was better this way, I reassured myself. Better that I didn’t let him get his hopes up, just to crush them later. Better that he knows now… I told myself that… but it didn’t feel better.

“... I’m marrying you,” I whispered, and tried to keep my voice from quivering, tried to keep from stumbling over the strangeness of that notion slipping through my lips, “I will never go back on my promise for that… but…” I thought I felt him wince at the word, and I instinctively pulled him a little tighter to me. “... But I… I just… I just don’t know.” I sighed, trying to fight the burning in my eyes even harder. “... I like this… I like… umm… th-this…” I turned my face into his hair again, trying to draw strength from the smell of it. “... I think I like this…” Now it was my turn to wince. “... I-I’m sorry…”

He ran his hand up and down my arm again. “Don’t be. I asked you to be honest with me. To always feel free to speak your mind.” I felt him nod, and it made me pull him even closer, curling myself completely around his smaller body. “This is your truth right now. Your emotions are always true, no matter how they make anyone else feel. I would not hold them against you…. And I can wait. Until you know…” His voice dropped off, “... One way or the other…” He scooped up my hand around his middle, bringing it up to his lips to place a gentle kiss over the knuckles. Belittling the sad tinge to his voice. “And I’ll enjoy this. All of this. Because I already know my heart.” He kissed them again, then tucked it against his cheek and settled down to sleep. “I can wait until you know yours...”

....

There was an exasperated cry, and the sound of a door hitting a wall. My only warning before I was jarred fully awake by the added weight suddenly bouncing next to me.

“Niko! NikoNikoNikoNikoNIKO!”

I sat bolt upright, flailing a moment, then feeling the blood rush so thickly through my face I thought my head might explode. Morgana bounced on me, grinning like a fool. She clambered to her feet and continued to jump up and down on the mattress. Leaping back and forth in my bed with a long string of my name punctuating each pounce. My eyes went wide, and then darted to a flabbergasted Seoc and Hibik who now stood at the foot of the bed. Both babbling over the other incoherently. Beside me, Grier gave a grumpy moan, rolling deeper into the pillows. Somehow unperturbed by the ruckus around him. His sound however, had me nearly squeaking in embarrassment.

“Niko! Hibik says I have to ask you if I can go to the gardens. Are there lots of flowers? Can I go? Is it very cold?” She bounced over my knees, barely dodging landing on Grier’s legs, as her words came out so fast I could barely distinguish one from another. “Oh!” She tilted her head to the side. “Did you know Grier is here too?? Is he still asleep? But the sun’s up already!”

“My apologies, Your Highness!” Seoc finally managed, and he seemed to be panting, his slicked back hair disheveled. “Sh-she was very insistent! I tried to stop her!”

The goblins were hastily shifting and moving back and forth, only adding to the overall chaos as Morgana jumped around. Hibik was speaking rapidly to Seoc in goblinese, who seemed to be trying to skitter from side to side as if to predict which part of the bed the Princess would be closest to when he got there. 

“They said you were sleeping! But it’s dawn! You never sleep past dawn!” She told me as she bounced, grinning from ear to ear as she ignored their frantic attempts to coax her down. “And I tried to tell them that-”

“Ch-Chickadee!” I stammered, reaching up to catch her hand. “That’s enough… C-come here.”

She dropped to her bottom, plopping down onto the bed beside me with her legs dangling off the side. The pair of goblins darted over, sputtering apologies in a mixture of Common and goblinese and bowing repeatedly. My face was so hot it hurt, and I struggled to get my mouth and mind to work in coordination. I tried to shake my head, made some attempts to soothe their rushed words. But couldn’t seem to work up the volume to get a word in edgewise.

“Get. OUT. You fools.” Grier growled from somewhere behind me, his voice coarse with sleep. “Now!”

I jumped at the King’s angry snap, even muffled as it was by the sheets and pillows. I almost didn’t recognize it as his. Both of the goblin attendants squeaked, nearly running over each other in their haste to obey the King. Obviously not wishing to suffer his wrath should they be seen hesitating. I was pretty sure I heard the soft thud of one of them tripping over their own feet before I heard the click of the door. Morgana spared the King a glance, but seemed otherwise unbothered.

“Niko, I was talking to Hibik, and he said that the kitchen is really big, so I was thinking-”

“Chickadee,” I breathed, struggling to get enough air through my constricted chest, “Please, I-I need a few minutes-”

“To get Grier up? It’s ok, he can come to the kitchen too. Or is he too busy?” She tilted her head to the side. “What do Kings even do all day?”

“Chickad-” I tried to start again.

“Why IS Grier here?” She asked, tilting her head to the other side. “Did you two sleep together?” I did squeak now, my entire body stiffening at her words. “I thought you would sleep in his room, because that’s where all your stuff must be-”

“Morgana!” I snapped, my voice suddenly tight. She started slightly at that, finally looking up at me and falling still. Instantly I regretted my harshness, and swallowed nervously. “... Look, Chickadee…” I amended gently. “... Why don’t you go with Hibik to the gardens? Or Seoc? Explore for a bit? I-I’ll…. I’ll catch up as soon as I can.”

She watched me for a second, seeming to think this over. I saw her hazel eyes dart over to Grier, still mostly buried in the blankets behind me. I winced, feeling the heat pounding through my head again. But tried very hard to pretend the goblin wasn’t actually there.

“Ok, I like that idea.” She finally agreed, nodding, and bounding from the bed. “Sorry I woke you, Niko.” She leaned over my lap, forearms on my knees. “Sorry Grier!”

His muffled grunt had me stiffening anew, and I blinked rapidly, swinging my legs out of the bed as if in denial that we were in the same one. Morgana’s small body, draped across them, came along with me, and she giggled. Leaping up to wrap her arms around my neck and give me a hug. I tried to release my tension with a sigh, but it only seemed to fan the flames under the balls of my cheeks.

“Listen, Chickadee,” I told her softly, “We’ll… We’ll need to talk about this later…” She leaned back, looking up at me curiously. I fumbled, my lips becoming like butter. Then shook my head. “But go explore for now.” I scooped the back of her head with my hand as she moved to run off. “And listen to Seoc and Hibik. Ok?”

“Ok, Niko.” She replied exasperatedly, pulling my hand away and skipping off to the foyer.

As soon as she darted out the door (and obliviously left it slightly ajar behind her) I groaned. Dropping my face into my hands and releasing a breath so deep it made my shoulders quiver. My blood was still rushing in my ears, and I felt dizzy and lightheaded.

I nearly jumped out of my skin as a pair of warm green hands slowly slid across my shoulders. I lifted myself from my palms a little, enough to peek nervously at the King out the corner of my eye. My heart skittered and raced at his touch. Grier rested his chin on my shoulder, draping lazily over me. Giving a toothy yawn and blinking sleepily.

“That was certainly a wake up call.” He mused, sounding both tickled and groggy, still a little hoarse.

“... I think I’m going to be sick.” I moaned softly, and he laughed quietly at that.

I jumped again as his hot lips pressed to the soft skin of my neck. “Best thing for an upset stomach is rest…” Another light kiss. “...Come back to bed.”

I hesitated, fidgeting in place. Unable to reconcile the memory of the previous evening with the events of the morning. I glanced nervously towards the slightly ajar door.

“A-aah… B-but Morgana-”

“Can wait.” He trailed a kiss down my neck again, sliding his hot arms even further around me. “Come sleep some more.” When I cast him another peeking look over my shoulder, he grinned sleepily, his eyes still half-lidded. “Selfish, remember?” Another kiss. “I want you-” and another “-all for myself.”

I weakly gestured towards the crack of light snaking out into the hall beyond. “S-she ah… left the door-”

Grier murmured something against my skin I didn’t understand, and flicked his fingers towards the foyer. And the door slammed shut forcefully. I heard the deadlock fall into place with a thud that echoed in the silence following. I swallowed hard.

“It’s too early.” He moaned letting up the press of his lips against my throat to sigh deeply and rest his cheek in the crook of my neck instead. I hadn’t realized how flushed I was until I felt his own heat popping beads of sweat across my skin. “I don’t know how you stand it. And all this sunlight-” He blinked at the window, scowling “-I miss my dark room.”

“... You could go back.” I mumbled dryly, and he chortled.

“Not without you.” He returned in a soft purr. The goblin trailed his fingers lazily up my sternum, sending a shiver down my spine. “...Come to bed?”

I glanced down at my bare feet, shaking my head again shyly. “I-I’m too awake now.”

He gave me a gentle tug. “Then be awake. I’ll sleep for the both of us.”

I shook my head once more. “...Y-you and Morgana must be in a competition to see who is more incorrigible.”

He laughed a final time, laying a final kiss against the side of my neck. I couldn’t help curling away bashfully. The King hummed a soft sound at that, reaching up and turning my head to the side. Then planted a proper, if sloppy, hot kiss on my lips.

“Well, I’m going back to sleep.” He declared weakly as he drew away, considering me through half-lidded eyes. “I’ve already been awake far too long for my liking.”

He flopped back into the sheets, and I looked over at him, surprised. As I watched, he burrowed deeper into them and gave a hefty sigh… I wondered quite how he managed that so easily. I felt a pang of jealousy, but quickly brushed it away. Standing and heading over to my trunk to pull out a fresh tunic and vest. I chanced a glance back over at him as I pulled it over my head and tucked it into my trousers, only to find his breathing had already deepened. I pretended I wasn’t checking on him after every other button as I fastened my vest, and that it was absolute coincidence that I ended up next to the bed a few moments later. Though of course, since I was already there…

I reached out timidly, daring to brush my fingertips along his wild bangs. I drew in a sharp breath, looking around. As if someone might pop out and demand to know exactly what I thought I was doing. No one did though, and I returned my attention to his sleeping face, half submerged in the soft blankets. I dared trail a little closer, bending over him. I decided he was either a very good actor, or already in a very deep sleep. Still, I felt emboldened by his stillness, and placed a shy, almost curious kiss on his temple.

I drew in a sharp breath, withdrawing in surprise, my brow furrowing. I forgot myself, and cupped my hand along his jaw, then slid it up to his forehead. Confirming what my lips had already deduced. The goblin stirred beneath my palm.

“Grier, you’re hot…” I told him, trying to keep the nervousness from my voice.

He shifted sleepily, but a wry smile played across his thin lips. “You’re not so bad yourself…” He mumbled groggily.

“No, I-I…” I stammered exasperatedly, “I mean… You’re burning up…” I couldn’t help but cup my hand around the back of his head. “D-do, do you feel alright?”

He groaned, weakly trying to push my hand away. “I’m just tired. Join me, or leave me be.”

“I’m getting Hibik.”

“Nooo, gods, I’m… I’m fine…” He grumbled, but seemed to be struggling to open his eyes again. “Don’t get that old… that old…”

I didn’t linger a moment longer, spinning and practically running to the hall. The door wasn’t even fully open before I was shouting for the older goblin…

...

UPDATE: Part Twelve HERE

[maddie-grove]

The Top Twenty Books I Read in 2020

My main takeaways:

I’m glad that I set certain reading goals this year (i.e., reading an even mix of different genres and writing about each book I read on this tumblr). I feel like it really expanded my horizons.

There are a lot of proper names on my Top 20 list this year, which possibly means something about identity? That, or I just tried to read more Victorian novels. 

Be horny, and be kind.

Now...

20. The White Mountains by John Christopher (1967)

In a world ruled by unseen creatures who roam the countryside in tall metal tripods, all humans are “capped” (surgically fitted with metal plates on their heads) at age fourteen. Thirteen-year-old Will Parker looks forward to becoming a man, but a conversation with a mysterious visitor to his village raises a few doubts. This early YA dystopia has gorgeous world-building (notably a trip to the ruins of Paris) and expert pacing. The choices Will has to make are also more surprising and complicated than I ever anticipated.

19. What Happened at Midnight by Courtney Milan (2013)

John Mason wants revenge on his fiancée Mary after she skips town following her father’s death...apparently with the funds that her father, John’s business partner, embezzled from their company. When he tracks her down, though, she’s working as a lady’s companion to the wife of a controlling gentleman who refuses to pay her wages, and John’s fury turns to sympathy and curiosity. This is a smart, well-plotted Victorian-set novella about a couple who builds a better relationship after a rocky start.

18. Johnny Tremain by Esther Forbes (1943)

It’s 1773, and fourteen-year-old Bostonian Johnny Tremain has it all: a promising apprenticeship to a silversmith, the run of his arguably senile master’s household, and...unresolved grief over his widowed mother’s death? When a workplace “accident” ruins his hand and career, though, he must “forge” a new identity. Despite its jingoism and surfeit of historical exposition, I fell in love with this weird early YA novel. It’s a fascinating, heartbreaking portrayal of disability and ableism, and, to be fair, Forbes was just jazzed about fighting the Nazis.

17. Something Happened to Ali Greenleaf by Hayley Krischer (2020)

After universally beloved jock Sean Nessel rapes starry-eyed junior Ali Greenleaf at a party, his queen-bee friend Blythe Jensen agrees to smooth things over by befriending his victim. Ali knows Blythe’s motives are weird and sketchy, but being friends with a popular, exciting girl is preferable to dealing with the fallout of the rape. This YA novel is a complex, astute exploration of trauma and moral responsibility.

16. The Color of Law by Richard Rothstein (2017)

Rothstein details how the federal U.S. government allowed, encouraged, and sometimes even forcibly brought about segregation of black and white Americans during the early and mid-twentieth century, with no regard for the unconstitutionality of its actions. He brings home the staggering harm to black Americans who were kept from living in decent housing, shut out of home ownership for generations, and denied the opportunity to accumulate wealth for generations. It’s an impactful read, and I was honestly shocked to learn Rothstein isn’t a lawyer, because the whole thing reads like an expansion of an excellent closing statement.

15. My Friend Dahmer by Derf Backderf (2012)

In this graphic memoir, Backderf looks back on his casual, fleeting friendship with future serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, a high school classmate who amused Backderf and his geeky friends with bizarre, chaotic antics. Backderf brings their huge, impersonal high school to life, illustrating how the callousness and cruelty of such an environment allowed an isolated, troubled teen to morph into something much more disturbing without anyone really noticing. It’s a work of baffled, tentative empathy and regret that stayed with me long after I finished it.

14. Daniel Deronda by George Eliot (1876)

Gwendolyn Harleth, beautiful and ambitious but with no real outlet, finds herself compelled to marry a heartless gentleman with a shady past. Daniel Deronda, adopted son of her husband’s uncle, finds himself drawn into her orbit due to his helpful nature, but he’s also dealing with a lot of other stuff, like helping a Jewish opera singer and figuring out his parentage. I love George Eliot and, although this bifurcated novel isn’t her most accessible work, it’s highly rewarding. The psychological twists and turns of Gwendolyn’s story are a wonder to experience, and Daniel’s discovery of his past and a new community is moving.

13. The Plot Against America by Philip Roth (2004)

The Roths, an ordinary working-class Jewish family in 1940 Newark, find their quiet lives descending into fear, uncertainty, and strife after Charles Lindbergh, celebrity pilot and Nazi sympathizer, becomes president of the United States. This alternate history/faux-memoir perfectly captures the slow creep of fascism and the high-handed cruelty of state-sanctioned discrimination, as well as the weirdness of living a semi-normal life while all of that is going on. Also: fuck Herman and Alvin for messing up Bess’s coffee table! She is a queen, and she deserves to read Pearl S. Buck in a pleasant setting!

12. David Copperfield by Charles Dickens (1850)

Young David Copperfield has an idyllic life with his sweet widowed mom and devoted nursemaid Peggotty, until his cruel stepfather ruins everything. David eventually manages to find safe harbor with his eccentric aunt, but his troubles have only begun. Although the quality of the novel falls off a little once David becomes an adult, I don’t even care; the first half is one of the most beautiful, funny, brilliantly observed portrayals of the joys and sorrows of childhood that I’ve ever read.

11. The Rise and Fall of Adam and Eve by Stephen Greenblatt (2017)

Greenblatt examines the evolution and cultural significance of the story of Adam and Eve from the Bible to the modern day (but mostly it’s about Milton). I can’t speak to the scholarship of this book--I’m not an expert on the Bible or Milton or bonobos--but I do know that it’s a gorgeously written meditation on love, mortality, and free will. Greenblatt brought me a lot of joy as an unhappy teenager, and he came through for me again during the summer of 2020.

10. The Music of What Happens by Bill Konigsberg (2019)

Self-conscious seventeen-year-old Jordan is mortified when his widowed mother hires Max, an outgoing jock from his school, to help out with their struggling food truck. As they get to know each other, though, they realize that they have more in common than they thought, and they end up helping each other through a particularly challenging summer. This is an endearing, exceedingly well-balanced YA romance that tackles serious issues with a light touch and a naturalness that’s rare in the genre.

9. Red as Blood by Tanith Lee (1983)

In nine wonderfully lurid stories, Tanith Lee retells fairy tales with a dark, historically grounded, and lady-centered twist. Highlights include a medieval vampiric Snow White, a vengeful early modern Venetian Cinderella, and a Scandinavian werewolf Little Red Riding Hood. Fairy tale retellings are right up my alley, and Lee’s collection is impressively varied and creative.

8. A Room with a View by E.M. Forster (1908)

Unnerved by an impulsive make-out session with egalitarian George Emerson on a trip to Florence, young Edwardian woman Lucy Honeychurch goes way too far the other way and gets engaged to snobbish Cecil Vyse. How can she get out of this emotional and social pickle? This is an absolutely delightful romance that gave a timeless template for romantic comedies and dramas for 100-plus years.

7. My Ántonia by Willa Cather (1918)

Jim Burden, a New York City lawyer, tells the story of his friendship with slightly older Bohemian immigrant girl Ántonia when they were kids together on the late-nineteenth-century Nebraska prairie. It was a pretty pleasant time, give or take a few murders, suicides, and attempted rapes. This is one of the sweetest stories about unrequited love I’ve ever read, and it has some really enjoyable queer subtext.

6. Mister Death’s Blue-Eyed Girls by Mary Downing Hahn (2012)

In 1956 Maryland, gawky teen Nora’s peaceful existence is shattered by the unsolved murder of her friends Cheryl and Bobbi Jo right before summer vacation. Essentially left to deal with her trauma alone, she begins to question everything, from her faith in God to the killer’s real identity. Hahn delivers a beautiful coming-of-age story along with a thoughtful portrait of how a small community responds to tragedy.

5. The Lais of Marie de France by Marie de France, with translation and introduction/notes by Robert Herring and Joan Ferrante (original late 12th century, edition 1995) 

In twelve narrative poems, anonymous French-English noblewoman Marie de France spins fantastically weird tales of love, lust, and treachery. Highlights include self-driving ships, gay (?) werewolves, and more plot-significant birds than you can shake a stick at. Marie de France brings so much tenderness, delicacy, and startling humor to her stories, offering a wonderful window to the distant past.

4. Maus by Art Spiegelman (1980-1991)

In this hugely influential graphic novel/memoir, Art Spiegelman tells the story of how his Polish Jewish parents survived the Holocaust. He portrays all the characters as anthropomorphic animals; notably, the Jewish characters are mice and the Nazi Germans are cats. I read the first volume of Maus back in 2014 and, while I appreciated and enjoyed it, I didn’t get the full impact until I read both volumes together early in 2020. Spiegelman takes an intensely personal approach to his staggering subject matter, telling the story through the lens of his fraught relationship with his charismatic and affectionate, yet truly difficult father. 

3. At the Dark End of the Street by Danielle L. McGuire (2010)

McGuire looks at a seldom-explored aspect of racism in the Jim Crow South (the widespread rape and sexual harassment of black women by white men) and the essential role of anti-rape activism led by black women during the Civil Rights movement. This is a harrowing yet tastefully executed history, and it’s also a truly inspirational story of collective activism.

2. In for a Penny by Rose Lerner (2010)

Callow Lord Nevinstoke has to mature fast when his father dies, leaving him an estate hampered by debts and extremely legitimate grievances from angry tenant farmers. To obtain the necessary funds, he marries (usually!) sensible brewing heiress Penelope Brown, but they face problems that not even a sizable cash infusion can fix. This is a refreshingly political romance with a deliciously tense atmosphere and fascinating themes, as well as an almost painfully engaging central relationship.

1. Mansfield Park by Jane Austen (1814)

Fanny Price, the shy and sickly poor relation of the wealthy Bertram family, is subtly mistreated by most of her insecure and/or self-absorbed relatives, with the exception of her kind cousin Edmund. When the scandalous Crawford siblings visit the neighborhood, though, it shakes up her life for good and ill. I put off reading Mansfield Park for years--it’s practically the last bit of Austen writing that I consumed, including most of her juvenilia--and yet I think it’s my favorite. Fanny is an eminently lovable and interesting heroine, self-doubting and flawed yet possessed of a strong moral core, and the rest of the characters are equally realistic and compelling. Austen really made me think about the point of being a good person, both on a personal and a global scale.

[plushpinkfox]

the rophie rebuttal

well, here we are. i posted this to the website yesterday and i thought it was well-written so i’m posting it here too! tell me what you think :) and the website-speak starts... now!

hopefully this makes sense! please please please comment if you need me to clarify something. i worked for a long time on this rebuttal and it’s sort of all jumbled in my head. also, the quote used that doesn’t use page numbers in its citation was taken from an e-book because i didn’t have access to my paper copy at the time, but i still included the chapter number. sorry about that! this is a long one, and i hope you enjoy. again, please ask questions if you have them!

and here we begin.

rafal doesn’t understand sophie at all, and that (among other things) is why rophie is a terrible ship.

let’s draw attention to two passages describing what people think sophie feels. one by rafal, and one by agatha.

rafal’s will be the one evie quoted in her defense, just so i’m not putting words in anyone’s mouth:

“Because once upon a time, was just like you. I tried to love my brother. I tried to escape my fate. I even thought I’d found-” He caught himself. “But it only led to more pain, more evil. Just as every time you try to seek love, it leads you to the same. Your mother, your father, your best friend, your prince….the more you chase the light, the more darkness you find. And yet you still doubt your place in Evil. For thousands of years, Good gas told us what love is. Both you and I have tried to love in their way, only to suffer pain. But what if there’s a different kind of love? A darker love that turns pain into power. A love that can only be understood by the two people that share it. That’s why you held our kiss, Sophie. Because I see you for who you really are and love you for it when no one else can. Because what we’ve sacrificed for each other is beyond what Good can even fathom. It doesn’t matter if they don’t call it love. We know it is, just as we know the thorns are as much a part of the rose as the petals.”

but i’ve handpicked a few for you all to peruse for agatha:

“But it hasn’t killed us,” said Agatha calmly. “And the reason why is staring at us, crystal clear. I’ve been searching through Sophie’s memories, just like I have yours and mine. And the difference between Sophie’s memories and ours is that she wishes she’d done the right thing all those times she didn’t. She wishes she’d been Good again and again and again. That’s why she’s my friend. Because I know what’s in her heart, beneath all her mistakes. And this future here? To return to a boy she doesn’t love and destroy everything she’s been fighting for? To throw away the friendships she’s given her life to build? It’s the darkest kind of Evil. And that kind of Evil… That’s not Sophie.” She squeezed Sophie’s clammy hand. Sophie smeared away tears. Tedros tensed, veins straining against skin. “Agatha, if you’re wrong… imagine if you’re wrong…” “She’s not wrong,” Sophie rasped. “I swear on my own life. She’s not wrong.” – (Pages 420 – 421, A Crystal of Time)

and also:

“We chose each other, Sophie. We’re best friends.” Sophie looked away. “A princess and a witch can never be friends. Our story will forever prove that.” “No, our story proves a princess and a witch have to be friends. Because each of us has played both parts. That’s who we are. That’s why we’re us.” Sophie still couldn’t look at her. “All I ever wanted was love, Aggie,” she breathed, voice breaking. “All I ever wanted was a happy ending like yours.” “You already have one, Sophie. You’ve always had one.” Agatha smiled through tears. “With me.” – (Page 633, The Last Ever After)

when rafal talks to sophie, rafal says he understands her because they’ve gone through the same thing. he says everybody has abandoned him as well. everyone left him behind and he tells sophie she’s gone through the same. he tries to make her believe that nobody loves her but him (which is also a sign of a.buse). but the issue is, that’s not really true.

rafal has spent the entire book trying to make sophie believe that she is just like him. the entire reason she falls into the “depression” is because rafal has made her believe that he’s the only one she can count on. he lies to her and leads her back to him again and again. the whole reason for their “fracture in communication” that evie says ends their relationship is rafal. this is prominent especially in this quote:

“Not consciously, perhaps. But her soul spins towards Good the same way yours does towards Evil. Maybe she even thought in your heartbreak and anger at losing your prince, you’d turn your back on me too and destroy my ring. Good would have its perfect Ever After, clean and efficient, all because of a princess’s secret talent.” Sophie’s face calcified. “So she wanted me to end up alone.” “Indeed,” the young School Master smiled. (Chapter 26, The Last Ever After)

here, rafal is lying to sophie. he tells her that tedros doesn’t love her. but more importantly he tells her that agatha doesn’t love her. he says that agatha was just using her all along. the reason WHY sophie feels no remorse for her classmates, and no guilt or joy or happiness at all, is because rafal lied to her and told her the only person who she ever thought loved her actually hated her. so when you say the crack in their relationship is because of sophie’s depression, that’s not the entire truth. if you dig deeper, RAFAL is the cause of sophie’s depression and therefore the cracks in their relationship. he lied, and he faced the consequences.

on the other hand, agatha has proven again and again that she loves sophie for who she is. because sophie ISN’T AS EVIL AS SOMAN SAYS SHE IS.

bomb dropped, i know. let me explain. i’m going on a tangent and i don’t care.

as the first quote tells us, agatha (and us, the readers) have seen how time and time again sophie is willing to sacrifice everything for agatha. she let a fairy-tale life go for her in gavaldon, and she let agatha go with tedros so agatha could be happy. she even sacrificed her LIFE for agatha in the first book. and that’s not very… evil, is it?

we’re told that nicola is the one who is halfway between schools. but if i’m being honest, it seems like sophie fits that description more. if we look at the rules of good and evil, sophie has been both of them. she has helped and given for good, and she has punished and hurt with evil. so even though soman says she’s 100% evil, he’s proven over and over how it’s not really true. and agatha KNOWS this.

agatha defends sophie again and again because of what she said in a crystal of time. she knows sophie wants to be good. she knows sophie’s heart aches when she does something to hurt agatha. she loves agatha. she loves her so much she will do anything for agatha. and agatha understands her and loves her in return. all of her, because agatha knows the true sophie.

rafal doesn’t understand this at all. if rafal understood this he wouldn’t be so adamant on killing the only person that makes sophie truly happy. rafal says in the first quote that sophie is just like him. but it’s not true. sophie is not just like him. rafal wants to believe it, but the books prove that it’s not true. you may wonder what agatha has to do with all of this, and she’s really just brought up here for the comparison to rafal. when you say rafal understands sophie, he’s really just seeing what he wants to see and believing what he wants to believe. agatha is the only one who truly understands sophie, and it shows and is reciprocated.

rafal doesn’t understand that sophie loves agatha and will do anything to protect her, and that means he doesn’t understand sophie’s core motivations to do anything as a person. he doesn’t get that even though sophie’s heart is evil, she still has the capability, and more importantly, the DESIRE to do Good things. he just keeps going on and on about how similar they are because he’d do anything for a happy ending.

and the funny thing is, sophie would do anything for a happy ending too, including lose her life. but she’d do it for agatha, not for him. rafal doesn’t understand sophie at all.

also, other than the age difference (which is still important even if rafal acts and looks like a teenage boy despite them not having a described physical relationship), the other traits of abu.sive relationships that pop up over and over in rophie’s portrayal in the books were not mentioned or given a rebuttal at all. instead, you posted the traits of a “happy” relationship and gave evidence for that. even if they “trust each other” and “can be themselves around each other”, rafal still controls sophie, isolates her from her friends and threatens them, grabs her without permission, and harms the people she loves. i don’t know about you, but that sort of outweighs “trusting each other” to me. and he certainly didn’t trust her enough to go around the school herself or heal her own hand without his help.

rophie is, at its core, a bad, toxic ship.

[zebrabaker]

Pain, Loss, and Recovery; Part 9

Here it is, as agreed! If anyone wants added to the taglist, please send an ask!  Remember, Patrons get early access, even Basic, which is only $5 a month, while VIP is $9 a month. I also made a ko-fi if you guys want to help me out!

PLEASE COMMENT

Marinette, after spending several minutes cooing over the motorcycle and the helmet he had presented her (it was pink with a cherry tree design on the sides, and custom made) she leapt into his arms again.

“Thank you, Dami. I needed this. Not the motorcycle, obviously, but the distraction.”

“Of course, malaki. I’m always here for you. We all are, from Alfred to Cass, we’re here for- oh no.” Damian blanched.

“Dami?” Marinette asked from his arms, craning her neck to look at him.

“We forgot to tell Cass.” He whipped out his phone, and groaned when he saw the screen. There was over a dozen missed calls from his youngest sister, and almost twenty texts.

“What? Oh, she’s probably so worried!” Marinette gasped. Damian frantically dialed, calling Jason to assess the damage.

“Demon Spawn, where the hell are you? You, Bruce, and Dick just up and disappeared, and took Alfred with you! No one has called us or even texted! Cas is flipping out!”

“Todd, shut up. We left for Paris. Tom and Sabine have…” He glanced at Marinette whose joy was gone, replaced with concern and sadness. “passed away. I’m just calling to tell you that we won’t be home for some time. Tell Cassandra, one of us will call with more information soon.”

“Demon Spawn, wait! You can’t ju –” Damian hung up and shoved his phone in his pocket, sighing. “Those back home have been informed of the basics. Now, I had Chloe bring a pair of your leggings, your sneakers, a leather jacket for each of us, and I brought my helmet. Want to take it out for a spin?” He gestured at the bike, and Marinette bounced in place.

“Yes!” She squealed, running back into the building.

X0X0X

They zoomed down the streets, bobbing and weaving through traffic. Marinette was pure grace on her bike, dancing between cars and trucks, guiding the motorcycle like it was second nature. He was sitting behind her, arms around her waist as she leaned into a turn. He leaned with her, taking the turn so sharp that they were almost parallel to the asphalt. They came to a stop in front of the bakery, and Marinette dropped the kick stand with an easy flick of her ankle. She reached back and tapped his knee, and he dismounted the bike, pulling off his helmet with the ease of practice. Marinette slid off the bike and removed her helmet, shaking out her hair, which was partially matted to her head with sweat. With the way the sun touched the horizon behind her, and how her hair shined in the light, she looked just like an angel. He felt his ears burn a bit, and he cleared his throat to grab her attention.

“Dami?” She asked, staring up at him. He coughed a bit, emotions clogging his throat. She looked at him who was so damaged and broken, with such trust, so much love, and all he could do was try to give her the world in exchange.

“You mentioned when we talked last week that a new fabric shop opened and you hadn’t had a chance to go yet. Would you want to go now? The SUV is parked in the garage, and I can park your bike while you change.”

“Really? That sounds fantastic, my knight. Let me run up to my room and change, I’ll be quick, promise!” She ran past him, froze, ran back, pecked him on the cheek, and ran off again. He chuckled, grabbing the handlebars of the motorcycle and carefully walking it back to the small garage behind the bakery.

After waiting almost twenty minutes, he began to worry. Marinette was picky with her outfits, but she never took more than fifteen minutes to get changed. Killing the engine, he stepped out of the car and made his way in through the back door. He was in the living room when he heard it. Muffled sobs, echoing from the ajar trap door to Marinette’s room. He bolted up the stairs, before freezing. His angel was sitting on the floor, still in her dress from the funeral. She was sobbing, no, bawling her heart out, clutching something to her chest.

“Malaki, mahbub, nur hayati, I’m here. Please, what has you so upset? All I want is to fix this, to see you whole once more. What’s wrong?” He dropped to his knees behind her, setting a hand on her shoulder. She couldn’t even seem to hear him, so lost in her pain. Damian gently scooped her into his arms, cradling her to his chest as he stood, walking over to her chaise. He may not be able to calm her down, but one of the many things Dick had taught him in the last seven years was that sometimes, crying was a good thing.

After far too long, her sobs abated. He stopped rocking back and forth (It had been an attempt to soothe her, okay? He wasn’t the best at emotions!) when he heard a few sniffles, and looked down to see his angel staring blankly at her knees, still curled into a tiny ball.

“Hey, malaki.” He murmured, hoping to catch her attention. Luckily, he succeeded. She blinked a few times, before looking up at him.

“I…I don’t know if I can do this.” She whispered after a few seconds of staring at him.

“Do what, my luck?” Finally caving to the urge, he shuffled his legs a little under her. She shifted herself to the side, curling up beside him so that she was in the fetal position with her head against his chest.

“I can’t be strong anymore. I’ve….” Taking a shuddering breath, she pressed on. “I’ve tried so hard to be strong, first against Chloe, then for all of Paris, then Lila and Paris at the same time, and I’ve been doing it for years. I’m tired, Damian. I’m so tired, and I can’t even rest yet.” She sounded so shattered, and something in his chest raged, raged at the fact that Marinette, his perfect, amazing, wonderful angel, had been made to face this alone, that she’d not been willing to turn to him for this. He swore, then and there, to make everyone who ever hurt her pay.

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Dawn in Your Eyes Part 19

Summary: Alfie has little to no idea why Caroline ever gave him the time of day. The blind woman seemed far too sensible to even speak to him. But soon he finds himself falling helplessly in love.

Part 19: She has red hair.

            “Mornin’ Timothy.” Alfie reached into his pocket to retrieve a few coins.

            “Good to see you, Mr. Solomons.” However, the young boy didn’t smile when he handed over the newspaper.

            “Bad news?” Alfie put the coins in the boy’s hand and unfolded the paper.

            “Hurrah for the Blackshirts!”

            Alfie frowned, reading the headline a couple of times to see if it was a joke or not. “Unbelievable.” He mumbled.

            Timothy didn’t know what the headline meant but everyone he sold the paper to had a similar reaction. No one in the Jewish community was happy this type of ideology was gaining support. It was most likely why those men had been spreading propaganda around his street like Candace had seen.

            “People are really thick sometimes, Timothy.” Alfie sighed and tucked the newspaper under his arm. “All I’ve got to say ‘bout that.”

            “Mr. Solomons!” Someone shouted from down the street. “Mr. Solomons!”

            He turned to see Candance making a mad dash toward him. “Where’s Caroline?” Of course, past events made him terrified. Had she been taken again while he was gone? Had something happened?

            “She’s at home. Her water broke.” She was gasping for air by the time she reached him.

            Alfie stared blankly at her. “Erm…her what?”

            “She’s gone into labor, the baby’s coming.”

~~~~~~~~~~ 

            Pilot was frustrated beyond belief. There were too many people in his space and they just kept arriving. First Alfie and Candace returned back and shooed the Newfoundland away from Caroline. Then Julia arrived. Next was Elizabeth and Richard. They were all talking at once, arguing about things Pilot didn’t understand. More family members arrived, cousins and aunts who all had a say. And they all took up space, blocking Pilot’s access to Caroline. The large dog paced back and forth but couldn’t get to the bedroom.

            Finally fed up, Pilot snapped at Richard who was standing by the stairs.

            “Oi, what’s that about, aye?” Alfie frowned and grabbed the dog by the harness. “C’mon, you and your brothers can wait in the study.” He herded the three dogs into his study and shut the door.

           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Caroline was up in the bedroom, things had been chaotic ever since her water broke and she sent Candace to find Alfie. Her husband had arrived in a panic. He called practically the entire family over because he had no idea what to do.

            Julia sat beside her niece, holding her hand reassuringly. “Call Hanna again.” She instructed Alfie.

            “She’s already left the house, she won’t answer the fucking phone,” Alfie replied as he paced by the door.   

            “Alfie, please take a deep breath,” Caroline begged. “Everything is going to be okay.”

            “Right, I trust that, yeah, but I ain’t ever had a kid before so I don’t fucking know what to do.” Despite the long months, Alfie realized that he still wasn’t prepared to be a father. Of course, he wasn’t sure if he ever would be. There wasn’t a manual for parenting.

            “Just sit down.” Julia moved from her niece’s side to pull a chair up next to the bed. “Sit down, I’ll get you tea. There’s no telling how long she’ll be in labor.”

            It was the first time that Alfie really trusted that Julia knew best about the situation. Although she wasn’t a mother herself, she’d been present at several births before. So he listened and sat down.

            “Where’s Pilot?” Caroline asked as her husband took her hand in his.

            “I put him in the study with Apollo and Cyril. He made a go for Richard, which is fucking hilarious, innit? But I figured it be best, right, if they were kept away from all the madness. Like a family reunion down there.”

            “Promise me you won’t let all of them in here.” She moaned in horror at the thought of all the family crowding around her.

            “’Course not, they’ll stay downstairs. They just wanted to be here for support. Think Elizabeth wants the first to see the baby, me aunt is probably already cooking, and well, you know how news spreads.”

            Caroline laughed softly. “I know.”

            He smiled and brushed back her hair. “You scared?” He wondered, mostly because he was terrified.

            “I was initially. But, I’m not right now.” She took a deep breath and rested their joined hands over her stomach. “Maybe I will be later but I…I know that we’ll be okay. I’m not scared with you here.”

            “I love you.” He whispered and leaned forward to kiss her forehead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~           

            A couple of hours later, Caroline was much further into her labor. Hanna, the midwife had arrived and was coaching her through breathing as they checked progress.

            Alfie and Julia remained by Caroline’s side. She clutched onto her husband’s hand as she cried through the contractions. It gutted Alfie, knowing there was nothing he could do but let her squeeze the daylights out of his hand.

            As if the room wasn’t chaotic enough, the sound of howling had started up downstairs.   

            “That’s Pilot.” Caroline panted.

            “Why’s he howling?” Alfie hadn’t so much as heard the dog bark a few times before. He was a silent giant in and outside the house.

            “He must hear Caroline.” Julia stood up. “I’ll go get him.”

            Alfie furrowed his brow. “You think it’s a good idea to have a fucking dog here right now?” But Julia had already left.

            “It’s okay.” Caroline closed her eyes and braced herself through another contraction.

            “Keep breathing,” Hanna instructed from the foot of the bed.

            “Keep breathing, love.” Alfie echoed and dabbed the sweat from Caroline’s face. “Almost done.” At least, he prayed it was almost done. He was anxious to come out of the labor with everything going okay. He wanted to be assured that his wife and child both made it out safely. Healthy and happy. That’s all he needed. He would set fire to everything in his life if it meant they were happy at the end of the day. That was the first promise he would make to his child.

            The door opened and a big mass of fur pushed his way to the side of the bed. Pilot nosed his way to Caroline’s hand, gently licking it to reassure her that he was there.

            “Oh, good boy.” Caroline couldn’t find the strength to reach out to pat him.

            “She’s alright,” Alfie assured the dog, giving him a loving scratch behind the ears.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~          

            Pilot, from then on, remained one of Caroline’s supporters in the room. One could argue that he was one of her calmest supporters as he remained a large, peaceful presence in the room. Meanwhile, Alfie was constantly reminding his wife to breathe even when she was breathing. He was only trying to mask his absolute panic.

            “Alright, here we go.” Hanna alerted. “Big push!”

            Caroline let out a pained yell and dug her fingernails into Alfie’s hand.

            He didn’t protest one bit. “Hear ya, love. I’ve gotcha, m’right here.” He couldn’t imagine the kind of pain or strength she had to endure to give birth. It was something he wasn’t keen on thinking about because it would make him grimace in discomfort. Alfie had known pain but he wasn’t sure any of it came close to childbirth.

            “It’s a girl!” Hanna announced as she moved the newborn to a blanket.

            “A girl!” Julia gasped with joy.

            Alfie looked up and it felt like the world was spinning a bit slower. There she was. His child. His daughter. “Fucking hell,” He let out a shaky laugh and felt his eyes sting with the onset of tears. “Look at her. Oh, Carrie’s she’s got your aunt’s red hair. S’like fire, it is.” He laughed and shook his head.

            Then the baby let out a wail that could probably be heard from France.

            “Well, she certainly sounds like a Solomons.” Julia quipped.

            “Let me clean her up.” Hanna wrapped the crying child in a blanket and brought her into the bathroom.

            “She’s healthy?” Caroline asked.

            Alfie turned to answer but was met with a grim sight. His wife looked deathly pale and suddenly didn’t seem to have any energy. “Carrie? Are you okay?” He quickly moved back to her side.     

            “Is she healthy?” She asked again, ignoring or simply not hearing her husband’s question.

            Julia looked alarmed too. “Caroline…” She touched her niece’s face.

            “Did she look healthy? Is anything wrong?” Her voice grew fainter.

            “Hanna!” Alfie shouted for the midwife.

            That’s when Julia gasped. She lifted the sheets near Caroline, showing Alfie a dark red stain. 

Permanent Tag: @papa-geralt-of-cirilla​ @giftofdreams​ @biba3434​ @kimmietea​ @karmezii​

Tag list: @zazasblogxx​ @thinkingsofamadwoman​ @deaflikehawkeye​ @bellarkebxtch​ @evelynshelby​

Masterlist 

[renaerys]

11. “You’re going to make it. Just stay awake.” (Butch/Buttercup)

{{Original posting unfortunately deleted. Reposted here.}}

February Fic Prompt #11 originally requested by Anon. Greens shenanigans and hella innuendo, just the way I like them.

xxx

Everybody knew that the best person to go on night patrol with was Boomer. The guy talked but not nearly as much as Bubbles, who could probably talk herself through an earthquake and never even notice. He wasn’t a micromanager like Blossom or a straight-up jerk like Brick. And he definitely was not even half as annoying as Butch could be.

“You ever wonder what the fuck is up with Monster Island?”

Butch sat next to Buttercup on the Millennium Tower, the tallest building in Townsville, with their feet dangling over the edge and the city lights at their feet. She narrowed her eyes at him. “No.”

He ignored her. “You know, ‘cause that place is what, three? Four square miles? And the monsters just keep coming.”

“What’s your point?” Buttercup said, not really caring. Her watch read a quarter past midnight. She should’ve been in bed an hour ago.

Butch suddenly leaned in close, and Buttercup leaned back away from him. He looked very serious, and that almost always meant he was about to say something mad dumb—

“Giant beast orgies.”

Buttercup groaned. It was going to be a long night.

“For real! They must be going at it 24/7 poppin’ out tentacle monsters and dino hybrids and flaming squirrels at the rate we fight ‘em. How does that even work? Like, are they all just fucking and it’s Baby Roulette to see what’s gonna come out?”

“Dude, gross. I don’t want to think about that shit.”

“Pssh, don’t lie.”

“I’m really not.”

“You’re not even a little bit curious about what kinda Stranger Things shit is going down right over the bay?” Butch pointed southwest toward Citiesville’s Golden Bay, where the aptly named Monster Island sat a few miles off the coast. “Like the Booger Monster we fought before the Reds fucked off to Snob College. How does that even work?”

He made a crude gesture with this fist and forefinger and then pantomimed picking his nose. Buttercup shoved him off the edge of the building.

“Cut it out, Butch. I said I don’t want to talk about that shit.” She grabbed the backpack he’d brought and pulled out a bag of chips. “Besides, there’s nothing to talk about. It’s just weird monster biology, end of story.”

Butch floated one hundred stories above the ground and grinned at her. “So you have wondered about it.”

“Clearly not as much as you, Horny Darwin.”

He threw back his head and laughed from his gut. Buttercup scowled and stuffed some chips in her mouth. The crunch helped her focus, but her eyes were drooping and her head felt a bit fuzzy.

“Hey, you okay?” Butch was no longer laughing as he hovered close and peered at Buttercup. “You look tired.”

Buttercup cast the chips aside. They weren’t really helping, and she wasn’t hungry, anyway. She ran a hand through her shoulder-length hair. “Yeah, I woke up at 4 a.m. today.”

“Why the hell would you wake up that early on a patrol night?”

“Because I wasn’t supposed to be patrolling tonight, you were.”

“Oh, right. I forgot.”

Not surprising. Butch tended to tune out shit that didn’t directly concern him, especially if it was coming from Blossom. She’d called Buttercup at four in the goddamned morning ranting about some giant hairball monster that had attacked Ivy University campus and how Brick had been so sleep deprived that they’d both nearly suffocated to death and she had to help him to bed and somehow all of this was now Buttercup’s problem because Blossom knew they were patrolling alone for only a few hours to get out of it but no one should be patrolling alone in case of giant hairballs attacking. Buttercup pointed out that the likelihood of another giant hairball attacking Townsville, which was clear across the country from Blossom and Brick’s college, was pretty low. Blossom told her to cut the attitude and make sure Butch didn’t patrol alone tonight. She did not have time to argue when she had to go convince the administration to change Brick’s finals schedule so he could actually get some sleep.

And since Boomer and Bubbles were currently out of town at a music festival until tomorrow, Buttercup had no choice but to be here tonight.

“Ugh, whatever. Did you bring any of those energy shots? I’m about to pass out,” Buttercup said.

Butch sat back down next to her and pulled his bag onto his lap. “You know that shit’s basically radioactive rat piss.”

“This from the guy who scarfed three bacon double cheeseburgers on the flight over here.”

He grinned wolfishly and flexed his bicep at her. “Hey, this hot bod doesn’t get by on yogurt and protein shakes alone. A man needs red meat.”

“A man needs less cholesterol in his diet if he wants to live past 40.”

“See, this is why it’d never work between us. Sorry doll, I gotta lead with my stomach.”

Buttercup snapped at that awful pet name he’d taken to calling her lately and swung around to punch him in the stomach. He caught her fist just as it made contact, absorbing the brunt of her force, and met her eyes. The son of a bitch was still grinning.

“Don’t fucking call me that,” she hissed. Her fist shook and sparked with green energy as she tried to finish her punch, but he held on.  

Halfway under her as she threw her weight behind her stalled punch, Butch’s smile relaxed into something softer but just as dangerous as he looked up at her through his messy bangs. “You kinda like it.”

Buttercup dug her knee into his thigh right over the femoral artery, and he shuddered. “Yeah, this is me liking it.”

She applied more pressure, and he gasped. His other hand grabbed her shoulder and threw her off him, but Buttercup rolled and landed on her hands and feet in a crouch. Butch matched her guerrilla stance and they faced off on top of the world with the stars at their backs and thunder in their veins.

“Still gonna pass out?” he asked.

“What?”

“You said you were about to pass out. Is this any better?”

Buttercup frowned. He’d provoked her on purpose to distract her from her sleepiness? That was almost…

He got up and stretched like a cat, and Buttercup couldn’t help but notice the subtle ridges of his abs when his dark shirt ran up for just a moment. Clearly he was excelling at that gym trainer job he’d been at full-time since they graduated high school.

Not that that mattered at all.

She got up and wiped her hands on her jeans. “A little, I guess. Still tired as shit though.”

Butch cracked his neck like he was getting ready to fight, but he wasn’t. For as long as she had known him, Buttercup had always been able to sense when he felt the urge, just as he could sense it in her. Primal, instinctual, not just a need but a desire to ruin and be ruined all for the manic joy of surviving it. She felt it less the older she got once her body stopped changing and growing, but every couple of months they would inevitably seek each other out for a row. Not even monsters could quite scratch that particular itch. If anything, they exacerbated it.

“Sweet. I got a few other ideas,” he said.

Buttercup crossed her arms. “You get ideas?”

“Ha ha, you bitch. I’m serious.”

She cracked a smile. “We’re on patrol.”

“Yeah, so let’s go patrol.”

“What’re you—”

He took off in a blaze of green, not flying but running down the side of the Millennium Tower, dodging balconies and flipping off the flagpole like some kind of insane Super gymnast. He didn’t lose momentum when he landed and took off running across the busy street toward the next building.

Buttercup was dashing after him before she could think twice about it, to hell with staying here by herself. She slid over the roofs of two cars crossing the street and leaped from balcony to balcony as she climbed the next building higher and higher. Butch had already made it to the top and paused to look back at her. His smiling challenge boiled her blood, and he took off sprinting again along the drain pipes. Buttercup flipped over the guard railing on the roof, sprinted to the other side, and leaped off the edge in a free fall.

The night wind whipped her loose hair, and she somersaulted to cushion her landing on the pedestrian sky bridge connecting this building to the next. Butch slid down the drain pipe and landed similarly a short ways ahead on the glass and metal bridge. They faced off, and she couldn’t help but grin fantastically at the sight of him winded and emanating green power, ready to run.

They didn’t speak, there was no need. He took off and she tore after him, each carving their own path leaping concrete chasms, rolling into their falls, and racing against gravity and mortality up the mirror-bright sides of skyscrapers. Buttercup cartwheeled through a narrow path between two huge AC generators and landed like a cat on the metal railing, where she spotted an enormous tower crane powered down for the night in the midst of a new construction project. It was tens of stories tall, and she wanted nothing more than to run up its mast.

Butch had the same idea and leaped like a monkey from the roof of the building next to hers and grabbed the jib. He hit it with the force of a Super, and the huge machinery whined and began to swing. Buttercup abandoned her original plan for one that would be a thousand times cooler. Moving fast, she raced along the thin railing and pedaled through her jump to get her across to the next building over. The crane groaned in protest as Butch sprinted along the length of the jib. She wouldn’t have much of a window.

With a running start, Buttercup scrambled up the wall of the roof access door and jumped high into the air just as the long, metal winch cord came swinging by. She grabbed it barely in the nick of time and went spinning.

Above, she searched for Butch and found that he wasn’t slowing his momentum even as he neared the end of the jib. Buttercup gave the winch cord a little extra boost of her power and went careening high into the air on an updraft just as Butch free-dived off the jib. The night air parted for her and the stars fell to meet her as she reached out, elated, and Butch reached back.

They joined hands at the wrists, and Buttercup moved with gravity and the momentum he’d brought with him before it could wrench her arm clean out of the socket. Together, they hurtled through the air, bounced off a radio tower pole, and landed in a two-man roll on a private rooftop golf course.

Butch was laughing when they came to a stop in a heap on the green, and Buttercup laughed with him. He had his arms around her as she hovered over him.

“That was,” he stammered, breathless.

“Amazing!” Buttercup said.

“Fucking incredible! Holy shit, when you ran for the winch cord—”

“I didn’t think I’d stick it for a second—”

“But you did and I swear I lost my goddamned mind—”

“You jumped! You fucking idiot, you’re lucky I was there to catch you.” Buttercup shoved him, but he only laughed again and held her waist tighter.

“Woman please, how could you ever resist the chance to catch this hot shit? I saw your face, you totally creamed yourself!”

“Fuck you, it was the moment and I wasn’t even looking at you!”

They could hardly breathe as they laughed, and gravity rolled them over. The grass was cool under Buttercup’s cheek, and above the stars were bright and close. Slowly, the moment subsided as they caught their breaths and watched each other through the gloom.

“I kinda knew you’d catch me,” Butch said.

Buttercup rolled her eyes. “I regret it already.”

“Sure you do.”

He was smiling, but there was no mocking or malice behind it. Strangely enough, Buttercup thought it suited him.

She pulled away before she could finish that dangerous train of thought, and he let her without making a big deal out of it. They sat up side by side and looked out over the city and the ocean beyond. Monster Island was dark, but the detection barrier surrounding it glowed a subtle blue in the starlight and city lights.

“Five and a half hours until sunrise,” Butch said, checking his watch.

Buttercup groaned. “That’s so long from now.”

He nudged her shoulder with his. “You’re gonna make it. Just stay awake.”

“Wow, genius plan.” She nudged him back.

“Hey, I got plenty more ideas where Super Parkour came from. Just say the word.”

Buttercup allowed herself a smile in the darkness. Butch could drive her crazy, but over the years she’d gotten used to his self-indulgent vulgarity. Sometimes she didn’t mind. Sometimes it was just kind of nice. Familiar. A pull she couldn’t explain or describe, except that she knew he felt it too, and he always knew exactly what she needed.

“In a few minutes,” Buttercup said, her eyes drooping a bit as sleep crept up on her little by little.

She could feel his warmth through her sleeve and his, close enough to touch, close enough.

“Yeah,” he said, and turned his gaze skyward. “Just a few more minutes.”

They had all night, after all.

[tarithenurse]

The good Villain - 7

Based on the prompt “You’re the villain and you know that you just want the ‘good guys’ to understand why”

Pairing: Loki x Fem!Reader (eventually) Content: Parley? Chips, yearning, dealing with trauma.

Chapter 7

…   Reader   …

You have never in your life enjoyed standing up before a crowd. Speeches, attention, gawking silence. None of it was your glass of kwah, and even less so when the audience consists of a bunch of people carrying a grudge who have only just agreed to release you from prison. Still, a sideways glance at Loki helps steel the nerves. I can use their help, anyways.

Quietly, searching for the right way to express yourself better than the translation device can do on its own, you explain about the mission that brought you and your team to the seemingly vacant facility. If only I had known. Like in the ghost stories for adolescents, a worse faith than death had been waiting to suck out the very essence of each crewmember, leaving them crumbled on the floor as empty husks with heartbeats, and while the first apparently had been swift and painless attacks…each member of the Avengers turns pale as you describe the effects of what you learned to be a Soul Leech’s feeding ritual.

Confusion comes first, replaced by a skin-prickling mix of understanding and fear. The kind of terror that creeps in from the darkest corners and weighs a person down with leaden chains as the body no longer is under their control. Then comes the complacency. Dulling their senses and the will to fight except in short bursts of clarity where desperation flares like bombs going off in their mind to illuminate – for no more than a second – what they have lost and what is about to slip away for ever. They know beyond a doubt what is happening but cannot change the horrible fate.

You had heard their strangled cries echo, smothered by the faintest whimpering before that too seized and all there was left was silent pleading. It had compelled you to end the life of five, instinctually knowing that they were about to suffer a fate worse than death. Your second in command had come staggering towards you with the last teammate trailing behind, both dazed and confused and all too keen to accept orders without questions or concerns about the fate of the rest of the crew whom they helped carry on board, only leaving a child behind riddled with wounds. Dead. The youngling had to be dead, you were sure…but something made you linger on the threshold to the airlock.

By the time your heartrate returned to normal, the research station was ablaze.

“You tracked them here?” Stark is not really asking as much as trying to organize his thoughts aloud.

There is a pain in Barnes’ eyes when he looks up at you. “The two survivors?”

“Padded cells,” you grimace at the croak in your voice, “barely remember any of their lives.”

The redhaired woman is more calms than the rest, clearly analyzing the situation like any other mission report. “Why through the chin ‘nd up?”

“Not noticeable at first glance by the authorities…gives me time to either eliminate new targets, move on.”

“Smart.” Of course. “How many targets left?”

“Unless they have multiplied…just one.”

 …   Loki   …

Something has shifted within the God of Mischief. What had simply been a slight infatuation fueled by curiosity starts to fill his thoughts at all times, and while the memory of [Y/N]’s smile brings him joy it also bothers him to the point where he often finds himself walking the empty halls at night in the hopes of a distraction.

One such night, he passes the room [Y/N] has been provided as replacement for the cell to find the door ajar and a sliver of light streaming out. Not a sound can be heard. She must have left to retrieve something.

Hesitating for only a heartbeat, Loki slips in after checking the coast is clear. One look. Now that it has been accepted that she may not be a simple murderer, she has gotten her belongings back

Displayed along the long desk by the window are the weapons laid out in neat rows next to a few tools he assumes are for maintenance. At the foot end of the bed sits the backpack with the contents tightly rolled except for a set of clothes and the heavy boots over by the chair to the left. All of it is easy to access and even the weapons stash can be rolled up in a makeshift container and carried with ease. Easy to get ready for a fight or escape.

Already, his hands are itching to move things around maybe even take one of the lovely knives for himself, just to tease the Betan, and stepping closer Loki is already making up which one to slip away with when something hard presses into his back right between the shoulder blades.

“Explain yourself,” [Y/N] hisses coldly.

She won’t kill me…I’m her first ally and the only one that has lived up to a promise that made a difference. Self-assured and ready for a bit of fun, he spins around and adeptly catches and twists her arm to deflect whatever weapon she carries…but the only thing dropping to the floor is a bag of chips. In a swift move, Loki has her wrists in each of his hands (the difference in size now the cast apparently has been removed is obvious), her arms crossed under her bosom and back against his torso.

“Not this time, my dear,” he chuckles into the multicoloured hair.

They are cheap moves, stomping on his foot and banging the skull into his face, but they hold the element of surprise thus serving the purpose and before his vision has cleared again, he is lying on the floor.

“Yes, also this time.”

Perhaps shame or anger would be more fitting at this moment, however it is admiration that fills his heart and he cannot help the smile playing across his face as he stares up at the woman. Even now, dressed in soft shorts and a pink t-shirt that clearly does not belong to her, [Y/N] still maintains all her strength and poise.

“You are staring.” Even the furrowing brows are a shimmer of blue and green.

Naturally, pet. “Simply admiring the view from down here. You should join me.”

She does not. Picking up the fallen bag, she throws herself onto the bed with a sigh. The foil of the snack crinkles as it is torn open, and Loki finds a new smile growing on his lips at the sound of appreciation escaping her with the first crunch. It is so easy to imagine how slender fingers carry the golden slices to the darkened lips where the tongue slips out to aid in bringing the prize home in a cheeky yet delectable manner before the mouth closes in a tiny pout.

Deciding he has to see it the Asgardian sits up only to have the air stolen from his lungs at the sight of the splayed out figure. Oh, there is no doubt [Y/N] knows that he is staring…still she does not stir, not even when Loki takes a corner of the bed to sit on. Not when he scoots closer, a hand reaching forward undecided what the movement is meant to grant him.

“One more inch, and you will be half the male you are now.”

As Loki lies in the darkness of his own room, the mesmerizing shimmer in [Y/N]’s dark eyes is the last memory to flutter through his mind before sleep claims him.

[existing-on-cloral]

In case you didn't know this, I'm also on Archiveofourown under the same username! On there, you will find the fanfiction that I will begin posting here today. Therefore, without further ado,

Brooklyn's Night Terrors

A Steve Rogers X Reader fanfiction

The pretty scientist working to eradicate a vigilante villain catches the eye of the former Captain America. He jumps back into the time machine, becoming young again in order to live out a new life with his best friends, and perhaps her.

Paradise has a price, however.

The tracked vigilante kidnaps Sam Wilson and leaves the shield for Steve to take up one last time. Reluctantly, Steve takes on the mantle of Captain America once more as he teams up with his old pal Bucky Barnes and the beautiful and deadly smart scientist.

"Lust can cloud the mind, but love makes it clear as day."

Chapter One: Night Calls

He was tired.

So very tired of having to throw around a stupid Frisbee just to save the world, only for it to be attacked again.

Steve just wanted a little peace and quiet for once in his life.

He didn't regret the choices he made. But now, Bucky could barely look at him. Maybe there was a little regret there, just for his best friend.

Still, the life he had chosen didn't prevent him from wanting to still know what was going on. Sam took him down to a new office a few months after Steve returned to look at what new and interesting villains might be threatening the city.

"Serious Predicaments Evolving Citywide and In All Locations," Sam read, pushing Steve's wheelchair up the accessible ramp. "The officers call it S.P.E.C.I.A.L."

Steve smiled. "At least the world isn't done with insane acronyms."

Sam laughed. "You got that right. Did you hear what happened with that kid Tony brought to the battles?" His tone turned serious, even as they went through the spinning door. Sam loved spinning doors. "Tony left an AI for Peter, E.D.I.T.H. Even Dead I'm The Hero."

"Heard something like that, but I just remember what happened in London." Steve shivered. "Almost makes me want to take the shield back."

"Almost?" Sam teased. "You're not getting this back, man."

Steve chuckled as they headed further inside, towards what Sam described as "smart women central". "A lot of the scientists here are actually women. Turns out they are a bit smarter than us," Sam explained, stopping the wheelchair outside of the lab.

"That they are," Steve said, leaning forward, even though that didn't help his back, and watching the scene inside. All of the people inside except one were staring up at the board, where a woman stood, giving a presentation.

Sam whistled. "That's the top scientist. She's won two Nobel Prizes, one for Physics and one for Peace. Eradicated a lot of threats that could have destroyed a lot more than a couple of cities."

"Oh, so when she does it, she's 'internationally recognized' and 'a hero'," Steve joked. "But when we do it, we're 'dangerous' and 'need to be put in check'."

"The difference," Sam snickered as he headed for the door, "is that she didn't save a city by destroying it."

He opened the door, and the scientist's voice drifted out. "...we believe that this vigilante may have obtained the time machine used to send the Avengers back in time to collect the six Infinity Stones. Our theory is that she will use it to bring back the Winter Soldier and perhaps Agent Romanoff, before Romanoff was taken in by S.H.I.E.L.D."

Graciously, Sam propped the door open so Steve could still listen, then went inside, leaning down to tell a scientist a joke. "Doctor!" he greeted her, taking an empty chair in the second row.

"Thanks for coming, Captain," she returned with a wink. "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present Sam Wilson, who, as usual, is fashionably late to the party." She grinned, stepping aside and offering the floor to Sam.

Sam, with his usual theatrics, stood and strutted to the front of the room. "This vigilante is dangerous. We are absolutely sure of that, but we believe that we can and will beat her. The only time machine she has is the van used by Scott Lang, so the Avengers still have their own time machine. What we are hoping for is that we can pinpoint the moment she plans to capture the Winter Soldier and intercept her there. This is, of course, a last-ditch resort in case we don't take her down while we are in this time."

Steve watched, impressed. Sam had always been confident, but he hadn't really spoken in front of people a lot. This was new for Sam, and he was doing an excellent job at it. His eyes flicked to the scientist, who was watching Sam with interest. He smiled to himself, turning his attention back to Sam, who was saying something about how the heroes would win and he was confident in their success.

When they left the building after Sam's pep talk, Steve instructed Sam to take him to the old Avengers facility upstate. "I'd like to see if Bruce can make some adjustments to the time machine. They can be reversed and we'll still have the machine if we need it."

Sam relented after more pleading. Even the grit of Sam Wilson was no match for Old Man Steve's puppy dog eyes.

"You sure this is safe, Bruce?" Bucky asked, keeping an eye on Steve as he hobbled over to the time machine.

"67% sure," Bruce said, fiddling with the controls. "Should be adjusted correctly." He pressed a button and Steve was sucked into the machine.

Bucky rubbed his face. "Bruce, any second now I'd like my best friend back."

Bruce pressed another button and Steve flew back out. He looked young again, but-

Steve began to cough violently, clearly struggling to stay on his feet.

"Send him back in! That's teenage Steve!" Bucky yelled, running over and grabbing Bruce's arm.

"Okay, okay!" Bruce said. He pressed another button and Steve went back in. A few seconds later, Bruce pressed another button and he came back out, this time appearing to be the Steve from seconds before he returned the Infinity Stones.

Steve took off the helmet and shook out his hair. "Am I blond again?" he asked.

Bucky laughed. "Always have been on the inside."

"Was that a dumb blonde joke?" a voice asked from the door. Sharon Carter strode inside, leading the scientist from the presentation with her. "Just wanted to bring up my favorite doctor to see the time machine and what we've got to work with."

Bucky gave the agent a playful smile. "All in good fun, Agent Carter."

"I see our old hero is young again," you said, walking up to Steve. "The world is grateful for everything you've done for it, Captain."

Steve offered you his hand, and you took it. "Thank you for your kind words, but I think I've had enough avenging for one lifetime."

"More than one, from what I gather just took place," you joked.

Bucky cleared his throat. "We've got business to take care of, Doctor. Thanks for stopping by."

You turned away from Steve. "Right. Thank you, Mr. Barnes." You gave him a warm smile and Bucky smiled back.

Steve sighed. It was back to the 40's all over again. Bucky flirted with a girl and Steve had to sit there and watch. Still, he didn't even know your name.

"Oh! Where are my manners?" You spun back to Steve and told him your name, a smile crossing your face at the end of it, as if your own name was the greatest delight in the world. He tested it out, and found that saying your name gave him joy too, but no more joy than when you gave him a wink, a nod, said, "Steve," and then left, dragging Sharon with her.

Bucky strolled over to Steve, giving his friend a smirk. "Someone's got the hots for a scientist," he sang, ruffling Steve's hair.

Steve swatted his hand away.

"Just think!" Bucky joked, "if she'd walked in a few minutes ago, your life could have become Grumpy Old Men!"

"I understood that reference, and I wish I didn't understand that reference," Steve groaned. "Stop, Buck."

Bucky laughed. "Sorry, Steve, I couldn't help myself."

Bruce cleared his throat. "Who wants to help me fix the time machine in case S.P.E.C.I.A.L. needs it?"

Steve sighed and headed over to help Bruce. With Bucky's sense of humor, it was going to be a long day.

Sharon gave you a poke once you two were in the hallway. "You never wear makeup to work."

"I'm not wearing makeup," you shot back.

She rolled her eyes and grabbed your arm, stopping you in your tracks. Before you could react, she had smudged her thumb across your eyelid and it came away brown. "Makeup. You knew Sam was coming in to talk today, didn't you?"

You shook your head and started walking, forcing her to catch up. "I always wear makeup for presentation days. You've seen me at my worst, Sharon."

Sharon smiled. "I have, and need I remind you that I have some pictures from those days?"

This stopped you in your tracks. "You wouldn't dare."

"I have Wilson's contact information. You've gotta ask that boy out, or I'll send him the pictures." She grinned, knowing she had you.

You gritted your teeth. Sharon always knew how to get you to do what she wanted. "Fine. I'll ask him out tomorrow. But not a word of this is spoken outside of our conversations, or I'll send that agent you're talking to the footage from your apartment hallway when you lived across from Steve."

Her eyes widened comically. "You wouldn't dare," she threatened.

"Send the pictures to anyone, and they find out exactly how much Sharon Carter had the hots for Steven Grant Rogers." You scrunched up your nose, giving Sharon the cutest face you could.

"I never told you his full name," Sharon teased.

You blushed. "I do my research like any decent scientist."

The two of you made your way back to headquarters, still poking fun at each other for supposed and not-supposed crushes. Sharon was a good friend of yours, but she could be such a tease, especially when it came to your crush on Sam Wilson. Your resolve was strong, though. Tomorrow, when Sam came to check your progress on the time machine, you'd ask him out for coffee. You'd need a good night's sleep first, though. It was getting pretty late.

[yuzusorbet]

Fantasy On Ice, Sendai, May 31 (Fri) to June 2 (Sun) 2019 ~my account~

[wrote it for myself, to remember all the little details]

When I heard that Sendai was one of the places for Fantasy On Ice 2019, I immediately knew I had to get tickets.  I made my first trip to Sendai in April 2018 for Yuzuru Hanyu’s Olympic victory parade and I fell in love with Yuzu’s hometown.  FaOI Sendai would be the perfect occasion to visit again!  I quickly asked some friends for help and, miraculously, they managed to get tickets for all 3 shows from the official ticket draws.  I’m eternally grateful!  At that time, Yuzu’s participation was not yet announced but we knew he would be there.  Even if he couldn’t do jumps yet, he would definitely make an appearance in his hometown.  Weeks later, it was announced that he would be in the shows in all 4 locations.  Fans were delirious with joy!  Besides the thought of seeing him, it also meant he was recovering well!

This would be my 4th Yuzu-ice show.  2015 I went to FaOI Kobe; 2017 Niigata; 2018 Shizuoka.  So glad Sendai is an FaOI location this year;  it’s the first time!  

I flew into Tokyo Haneda Airport and took the shinkansen to Sendai.  My hotel is very near the main station.  The show venue is Sekisui Heim Super Arena, in a small town called Rifu, north of Sendai, in Miyagi Prefecture.  It is not easily accessible, so there were special shuttle buses to take us there from Sendai Station.  We had to buy the bus tickets from a vending machine in 7-11 in advance.  Cost for a 2-way ticket was 2500 yen, half-price for one-way.  

Day 1, Friday (show time: 5pm) 

At about 3pm, I followed signs that pointed to ‘FaOI shuttle bus’, which basically meant following the crowd.  (The long queue was to the right of this photo.)

Boarding the bus in an orderly manner.  Each bus moved off once it was full.

On the bus, I looked around me and wanted to laugh.... everyone’s phone screen or wallpaper was Yuzu’s face!  hahaha...... it was surreal. xD

It was a long bus ride, about 45 minutes.  We finally reached and I saw many stalls selling food outside the arena.  But the sky was grey and rainy, and suddenly the drizzle became very heavy rain.  I quickly lined up to go into the arena.  Thank goodness I had my waterproof parka.  Much better than an umbrella!

When I got to my seat, I had a nice surprise.  The people sitting next to me were Taiwanese fans that I had met during Yuzu’s parade last year!  So happy to see them again! 

Besides the great company, my seat position was really good too.  Right in the centre of one long side (East) and not far from the rink for an ‘A’ seat!  (First row is Premium, then Arena, SS, S, A, B.)

While waiting for the show to start, we chatted and exchanged gifts.  One of them gave me a little drawstring bag with a single feather embroidered on it.  A simple design that is so beautiful, especially for us Yuzu-fans.  I was so touched.  I only had snacks from my country to offer. :P

Then the show started.  When Yuzu came out for the opening, we all screamed!!!!  He danced with so much energy and happiness pouring out of him and his jump was awesome!  It was a 4T with a high kick, and then, as he danced in front of the whole group of skaters, he did a “I can’t hear you, c'mon” kind of gesture to the audience. (You can see it HERE.)  OMG he was so cool!!! I don’t know how the people sitting on the short side, right in front of him, survived.

2nd part of the opening:  Yuzu skated in with Jeff, Javi and Luca, and they were joined by 4 ladies.  His pair dance with ice dancer Anna Cappellini was so cute! And he was so smooth and confident! 

Individual performances: so many wonderful performances…. I will mention some of them at the end.

When singer ToshI came onto the stage, he said, “Sendai is figure skating and we have 2 Olympic gold medalists here… Arakawa Shizuka (loud cheers) and Hanyu Yuzuru!!!!!!” (loud screams)   Then he did the Yuzu-call......

ToshI: YUZU!!  (points mike to audience) Audience: YUZU!!! ToshI: YUZU!! Audience: YUZU!!! ToshI: YUZU!! Audience: YUZU!!! ToshI: But he’s not coming out yet. (hahaha…..) (Next was Stephane Lambiel.) 

Yuzu’s performance was last, as usual.  'Masquerade’ was so passionate and intense that my heart was thumping like crazy and I had to scream at many parts (and I heard  others’ screaming as well).  The music plus ToshI’s singing was very loud and drowned out our screams, thank goodness.  When Yuzu threw down his glove at the end, we all jumped to our feet and screamed and clapped.  MASQUERADE WAS ELECTRIFYING!!!  Video here.

Finale: Yuzu came out in the finale costume (black and white with frilly sleeves). So handsome!  After the group number, he disappeared backstage while the others did their jump or spin battles.  He appeared again wearing the  FaOI tee, wiping his face with a towel and sipping from a water bottle.  Then he went to stand next to Plushenko.  He tried the quad lutz, popped first time, then 2nd time he stepped out a bit.   When all the skaters started to go back in, one by one in a line, he did the 'high ten’ with each of them, some hugged him, he twirled Anna, and then Luca twirled him!  haha…. that was so cute!   Then as always, he stepped out of the rink, and from the side of the stage, he shouted “arigato gozaimashita!!!”  He bowed, walked backwards while waving, and before he disappeared through the curtains, he blew us a kiss!!  I think I died……

The show ended at about 8.30pm.  Rainy, dark, and took forever to get onto one of the shuttle buses that took us back to Sendai Station.  But head is totally filled with Yuzu and Masquerade, and heart is totally happy. :)

Day 2, Saturday (show time: 2pm)

On Day 2, I did not take the shuttle bus.  My friend Ella came to watch the Saturday and Sunday shows.  Her Japanese friend rented a car and drove us there.  (5 of us in the car made the shared cost much cheaper than the shuttle bus ticket.) 

It was a sunny day and I was very excited about the food (which I did not try on Day One due to rain).  From afar, I saw the tentage.....

When I got there, the whole place was like a carnival!  As I wandered around, someone suddenly tapped my arm.  It was my fan-friend K-chan!  How amazing that she spotted me among the crowds!  The last time we met was one year ago at FaOI Shizuoka!  So happy to see her, even if it’s only for a minute. xD

The stalls were awesome.  I have never seen food at previous ice shows!  The food sold here were specialties of Sendai and the regions nearby, and there were long queues at every stall.  There was nama biru (draft beer), miso ramen, yakisoba, gyu-tan (grilled beef tongue), croquette with bits of gyu-tan inside, skewers of Yonezawa beef (famous beef from Yamagata), and zunda soft serve ice-cream (zunda = sweet edamame bean paste).

  Above: my Zunda ice-cream.... so yummy.

Above: Gyutan.  Below: Croquette and Yonezawa beef.

I wish I could eat everything!  But I only had time to try these 4 things over Sat and Sunday.  They tasted SO GOOD.  (Thanks to Ella for her recommendations!)  There were many benches near the stalls and people were sitting there enjoying the food under the blazing sun.  

It felt like a festival to celebrate Yuzu being there. :))  Besides the official merchandise, there were also booths selling Sendai snacks in beautiful FaOI packaging and music boxes of Ballade No.1 and SEIMEI.   There was even a photo booth with staff helping fans to take photos! xD 

And when you got into the ice arena, every seat had a plastic bag with some promotional material and a pack of FaOI Sendai wet wipes!  haha….. so you could wipe your sticky hands and mouth if you brought food in to eat! 

Sendai, you really are the best! :D  (So, I have 3 of these wet wipes from the 3 days but I can’t even bear to open one of them to use!)

For Day 2, I was on the other long side (West) and a bit off-centre nearer the short side.  So I had a totally different angle of the show and my row was nearer the rink than yesterday -- fantastic!  The person next to me was also Ella’s friend and she offered me some lovely sweets.  Yuzu-fans are really sweet! :)

Opening: Yuzu fell on his opening 4T, so when he came out again with the other 3 guys (Jeff, Luca and Javi), he did a beautiful 4T before doing the usual steps with the others.  Hahaha, I was laughing inside, that is so HIM!

In the middle of show: ToshI’s YUZU-call this time was even longer than Day 1!  Felt like we were at a rock concert!  He made each side of the rink call out “Yuzu!” 3 times, like a battle to see which side was louder.   So it was one long side first, then the short side (in the video below, you can hear it’s a bit softer cos short side has less people), then the other long side.   Toshl says in his blog that this is the “やりすぎ編😅 ”, meaning the “too much (or overdone) version”.   Haha…. I like Toshl.   (Didn’t know him before this.)  We were all so high shouting “YUZU!!!” with all our lung power! xD Video of Day 2 Yuzu-call (ToshI’s blog)

Something comical: During the flying acrobatic skaters’ performance, I could see 4 or 5 men at one corner outside the rink pulling the rope to raise the skaters into the air.  They were running to and fro holding the rope and they were so funny!   End of performance, when the 2 skaters bowed, the men also bowed in their corner and waved as they marched off in a line!  Haha........ (this could only be seen from seats on the West side.)

Intermission: In previous FaOI’s, during intermission, 2 of the skaters (but never Yuzu) came out in zambonis and shot little presents to the audience, like signed FaOI tees.  So I waited a while but there was nothing happening... (same for all 3 days).  So I went for a walk to stretch my legs.  Went to put my fan letter into the gift box for Yuzu.  It’s just a simple postcard from my country. :) 

Last performance: Yuzu’s ‘Crystal Memories’ –- so beautiful I think I forgot to breathe. The Y-spiral was near my side of the rink.  His right leg raised up high was slowly lowered in a beautiful line with his body and it was just so heavenly to watch from where I was.  So many other exquisite moments...... words won’t do justice. Watching live, costumes always sparkle and glitter 100 times more than what we see on screen.  Yuzu was so sparkly he looked like an angel of light, sent from heaven to bring beauty and love to our world. Video of 'Crystal Memories’

Finale: As the skaters skated around the rink waving, Yuzu skated slowly, looking up at the audience.  I think he was trying to see as many fan-banners as he could. Like yesterday, he went backstage to change out of the finale costume and wore the FaOI tee to do the quad challenge.  The 4Lutz today was a step-out/hand-down.  The staff were putting some chairs onto the ice near the stage. When Yuzu realised it’s group photo time, he dashed backstage and came out very quickly in the black-and-white finale costume again, and he was grinning away.   Haha, it was a really quick change!  I wonder who the lucky person was, helping him backstage. xD

At the very end: He shouted 'arigato-gozaimashita!’ and we shouted back 'arigato-gozaimashita!’   Then, just before he disappeared into the curtains, he did the phantom 'take-off-the-mask’ gesture.  And we SCREEEEEEEEAMED!!! xD

I floated on cloud nine to the car park.....  Soon we were on our way back to Sendai Station area.  In the car journeys to and fro, the music was excellent, thanks to a friend who has a Yuzu-playlist in her phone which she connected to the car stereo.  All the music that he has skated to, from novice til now.... SP, FP, exhibitions..... ahhhh what great music..... it was really the GREATEST selection!

As we reached Sendai Station area, a funny thing happened.  Our friend drove onto the wrong road and we found ourselves on a highway going off to a different area!  She frantically looked for an exit but there were none.  We just had to keep going on this highway, further and further away from Sendai Station!  Then I saw a sign saying we’re heading for「泉中央」...... hey, isn’t that the area of Ice Rink Sendai?  We’re heading for Yuzu’s home?  Our friend kept apologising for going the wrong way but we told her IT’S OKAY!!!!  We’re going to Yuzu’s home!!!  Hahaha..... the wrong road suddenly felt so right! xD

The sun was setting.....  We became quiet.... gazing at the golden colours of Yuzu’s hometown while his music serenaded our senses.

(Glad these photos I took with my iphone in a moving car turned out well.)   After driving for some time, our friend found the way back towards Sendai Station.  We were late in joining a group of fans for dinner but what a nice little detour we had!   Very grateful to our Japanese friend who did all the hard work while we just soaked in the sights and sounds!

Day 3, Sunday (show time: 1pm)

For Day 3, I bought a one-way shuttle bus ticket as I would return by rental car.  Like Day 2, I lined up for food before the show.  The lines were very long and there were staff holding signs that said “end of line (food name)” for each stall so that people would know exactly where to queue.  Moving slowly in line, I used the time to admire the Yuzu-world around me.  Almost everyone was wearing or carrying things that showed their love, like Ciontu tees, Pooh keychains and Irene bags.  I myself was wearing the Phiten mirror ball necklace.  Some things were so beautiful and unique and I took photos.  (edit: separate post made on this; link is below.)

After eating, I walked around and spotted Yuzu’s signature near the arena office!  It was from year 2010!  At that time, the wing in his signature was very distinct.  So cute. :)

Close to 1pm, I went into the arena to look for my seat.  I had an ’S’ ticket and I was excited about being much nearer the rink than the previous 2 days with 'A’ tickets.  But when I got to my seat, I saw that I was only just in front of my row yesterday!   Realised that my 'A’ seat yesterday was the FIRST row of all the 'A’ seats and my S seat today was the LAST row of all the S seats.  Hahaha…….. I was a bit disappointed but then I was really lucky for the A seats!  (Seat order: Premium, Arena,  SS, S, A, B)

The good thing is, I was on the West side again and nearer the stage this time.  I would be able to see Yuzu going in and out very clearly!  And I had my concert binoculars!  I bought it just the night before, from a budget shop near my hotel. Sometimes the shows provide rental of binoculars but this one didn’t.  I usually use it for the finale, when the skaters are just having fun, so I can see Yuzu’s cute expressions. :)

I was also extra happy as I would be sitting next to Ella who came into the arena soon after me.  2 Japanese fans behind us heard us talking and knew we were not Japanese.  They showed us a huge folder with many Yuzu clear files and pamphlets, and asked us if we already have them.  We said no and they took out some to give to us!  Omg..... what super nice fans!!  They said they would be going for Kobe FaOI and Toyama FaOI as well!  They were at Worlds in Saitama too!  (Wow, I wish I could say the same!)  How lucky we were to sit in front of them!   

Opening: Wonderful like the other days and Yuzu did a beautiful 4T.   After the group performance, as he walked towards the backstage curtains, he took off his outer mesh top and swung it around, just before he disappeared thru the curtains.  Haha.... how cute can he be…… xD

Middle of show: ToshI said he talked too much yesterday so today he would say less.  The audience protested a bit with an “Ehhhhhh??”  But there was no Yuzu-call today. :(

During Masquerade,  Yuzu fell on both his jumps.  For us fans, it did not matter at all, but we knew he would feel terrible about it.  I wondered if the temperature was affecting him as the venue was very warm.  Day 1 was OK but it was warmer on Day 2, and on Day 3  I was actually sweating a bit in the middle of the show.  And I wasn’t the only one feeling it cos I saw people fanning themselves.  Literally a very hot FaOI.

Finale: After the group number, Yuzu disappeared backstage to change into the FaOI tee while the others did jump/spin battles.  Came out with towel and water bottle. Wiped sweat, drank water.  Then he did some stretching, and sat on steps at the side of the stage and massaged his legs for quite a long time.  (So glad I was seated that side and I saw him so clearly.)   I guessed he was getting ready for the quad lutz …..  because he fell on both his jumps during Masquerade, he really wanted to do a good jump for us.  He tried 3 times - popped twice and fell on the last one.  And decided it was enough. Thank God!  I was getting worried because he had only just recovered.  My heart was in pain watching him try so hard.  Yuzu, we know you always want to give your best. But please take good care of yourself!   (One week later, he did a beautiful 4Lz in Kobe Day 3!  YES!!!!!!!!)

At the end, instead of the usual deep bow towards all the skaters and artists, he knelt down and bowed with his head on the ice.... orz.   He looked so cute and funny doing that and we all laughed, but our hearts were aching cos we knew he was feeling truly apologetic and extremely ‘kuyashii’....

For the final skating around the rink to wave to the audience, he went to Plushenko and pushed him to the start of the line, then Plush and Yuzu 'circled around each other’ trying to make each other first in line, haha….. it was so sweet.  Video (from Plushenko’s IG) 

At the very end, at the side of the stage, he took the mike and said a few words.  I cannot remember what he said except for this: -  Actually this is not Sendai…. (it’s actually Rifu, just outside Sendai) - He wishes FaOI will come here again. (what else did he say…….. sigh, my head must have been too overwhelmed by this time.)

After shouting arigato-gozaimashita (without the mike), he walked backwards towards the curtained doorway, and just before he disappeared, he bowed deeply and said 'arigato-gozaimashita’ again (with the mike). My heart deeply and sincerely also says, “Yuzu, arigato-gozaimashita!”  Thank you for everything you do!

At past FaOI’s, I always bought one tee and one towel.  (I think they only had one design each.)  This year, they had 2 designs each and it was so hard to choose and Yuzu wore both tees and I love both colours of the towel..... so I bought everything (goodbye my money).  And the FaOI book of course;  the cover and photos inside are so beautiful. 

I felt this was the best FaOI I’ve ever attended.  I will mention briefly some performances that I love a lot.

~Shizuka Arakawa: so beautiful and elegant;  love her skating, esp her spiral and layback ina bauer.  Love her costumes too.  One was white and sparkly, the other had a Japanese style.  Both performances were excellent. ~Nobunari Oda:  Music from the movie 'Ghost' - his skating was so sad, I almost had tears.  Then 'Mission Impossible' was so funny!!!  Really love Nobu-kun! ~Stephane Lambiel: Love both numbers, especially the one with ToshI singing the sad and beautiful Japanese song 'I Love You'. ~’Akai Sweet Pea', sung by ToshI, skating by Johnny Weir.  I love this song!  Originally sung by Seiko Matsuda. ~'Monochrome' by Anna Cappellini and Luca Lanotte: So amazing!!!  Everything looked like a black-and-white movie!  The colour on their skin must have taken a lot of time and effort.  Their performance was superb! ~Rika Kihira: So energetic and strong!  Love the choreo. ~Satoko Miyahara: skated her new SP on Day 1 and her new FP on Day 2 and 3.  I like both a lot! ~Javier Fernandez: the flamenco performance was so fun! 

Plus all the other performances, I enjoyed them all!  Thank you to all skaters and artists and staff! 

On Sunday, once the show ended, Ella rushed out of the arena with her huge bag.  There was a taxi waiting to take her to Sendai Airport to catch her flight home.  I was a bit worried she would miss her flight but she made it, phew!  And she saw some skaters at the airport!  Jeff, Scott, Rika and Satoko!  Wow, they are fast! :D 

A big thank you to Ella and all the Yuzu-fans I met.  I received so much love and so many gifts..... really grateful to all you wonderful people! 

The little pouch with a feather was perfect for my new binoculars.  Will be bringing them along for future events. :) 

So many beautiful things and memories added to my treasure chest.....  Dear Yuzu-kun and Yuzu-fans, til we meet again, take care and God bless!

(Next, I will write about the other places in Sendai that I visited on this trip.)

*All photos are taken by me.  (some faces are blurred for people’s privacy.) *If my memory is not so accurate for some details of the show, my apologies. :)

Added later:

Part 2: Yuzu-world

Part 3: home rink and Olympic monuments

Part 4: Nanakita Park and schools

Part 5: An unexpected journey

Part 6: yuzu and zunda

Part 7: other Yuzu sightings

[needsmoresarcasm]

Favorite Books of 2019

I read a bunch of books in 2019. I loved a lot of them. Here are my ten favorites.

10. Because Internet: Understanding the New Rules of Language, Gretchen McCulloch

Most books about internet culture are garbage because they are written from the perspective of someone who is outside internet culture. Gretchen McCulloch, I am positive, is a part of internet culture. She was on fandom mailing lists and had a LiveJournal, I’m sure. She had to be to write Because Internet, which is an incredibly well written book about how language has evolved to fit online discourse. Because Internet is so fascinating, as it is able to explain thoughtfully (and compellingly) many things that internet people understand inherently. It parses through the evolution of a keysmash or an emoji. And it really helps show how language on the internet is not somehow the deterioration of language, but just another natural step forward.  9. HHhH, Laurent Binet

Originally written in French, HHhH deals with the entire genre of historical fiction. The narrator in HHhH is writing a novel about the murder of Reinhard Heydrich, a high-ranking Nazi official. That novel-within-the-novel is the bulk of the actual HHhH. But the narrator, who has spent years researching the actual facts, struggles with how much history and how much fiction he should be putting into the book. And so the book explicitly plays with the reader’s expectations, and comments at times on paths the story could take. The book works without the metatextual commentary, it’s propulsive and a little wry. But the added layer really just adds to the intrigue: what’s historical fiction supposed to do? And does any of it even matter? 8. Out East: Memoir of a Montauk Summer, John Glynn

Out East is a coming out memoir that deals with entirely internal struggles and not external hardships. Of course, there is an incredible amount of privilege at play for a coming out to be devoid of external hardships. And yes, the memoir, about a group of (mostly white) friends who rent a beach house in Montauk for a summer, is steeped in privilege, which John Glynn is acutely aware of. But John Glynn is not asking for your sympathy, he is instead telling a deeply personal story about self discovery and sexuality in the 2010s. He captures the world-shattering confusion and fear of learning that you don’t know yourself in a visceral way that still somehow maintains perspective. I cannot say that this book is for everyone, but man, was it for me.

7. Red, White & Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston The year was 2019, and everything was awful. Enter Red, White & Royal Blue, a wildly escapist fantasy that dared to dream: what if the world wasn’t on fire? So Red, White & Royal Blue is truly the most escapist novel out there, a fun romp of a romantic comedy that is entirely unconcerned with the disasters of reality. No, we’re just going to take the biracial son of the first female President of the United States and the charming, responsible prince of England and let them fall in love. Let hijinks ensue. Let this wonderful, bubblegum, fizzy drink of a novel enter your brain and wipe away all your worries. God, I had a blast reading this novel. Make everything gay 2020.

6. Soonish: Ten Emerging Technologies That’ll Ruin and/or Improve Everything, Kelly & Zach Weinersmith

Soonish is the exact kind of nonfiction that I want. It made me feel smarter and also made me laugh. Soonish takes on exactly what its subhead describes: ten emerging technologies (robotics, fusion power, asteroid mining, bioprinting!) that may or may not prove disastrous. It walks through the current science and then the possibilities, and how far off those possibilities are. And then it walks through the potential benefits and consequences. It’s an incredibly accessible read, written with the right balance of information and levity, striking that xkcd Randall Munroe balance. And it also has very funny comics and illustrations interspersed throughout, which will just bring your life so much joy.

5. Just Mercy, Bryan Stevenson

Too real. Just Mercy is too real. This is not the right space to get into all that this book says about racial injustice and the flaws of the American justice system. It says a lot, and it says it extremely powerfully. But Just Mercy is Bryan Stevenson’s memoir, too. And it’s equally powerful for what it reveals about Stevenson. It’s so incredibly intimate, and Stevenson really lets the reader into his mind. And I think that openness really makes the whole thing land. Because Stevenson is hopeful and dedicated, and being that close to his inner thoughts ends up turning his story into something inspiring, not enervating. There’s an anecdote about an old woman on a bench outside the courthouse that Stevenson describes, and Stevenson’s retelling is so sure of the overwhelming, indomitable potential goodness of the human spirit that I may have shed a tear. Or two. Or a hundred.

4. The Song of Achilles, Madeline Miller

I’m not usually one for deeply tragic stories, but The Song of Achilles I guess is the exception that proves the rule. Locked into the Iliad’s telling of Achilles and Patroclus’ fate, The Song of Achilles feels tragic from the first line. But every sentence builds their relationship and makes you invested, even as tragedy looms. The writing is gorgeous and almost musical; the passion swells and crashes like an orchestra. The book smartly focuses on Patroclus’s humanity to ground Achilles. It’s through Patroclus that we see and understand Achilles, which makes the sharp turns, where we see through Achilles, cut even deeper. In any event, the whole affair is horrifyingly romantic, and I loved it.

3. Homegoing, Yaa Gyasi

Everything about Homegoing is spectacularly audacious. It is an economical 300 page book with the weight, scope, and ambition of a thousand page page epic fantasy series. Homegoing begins by telling the story of two sisters who, by the whims of circumstance or luck or fate, end up on wildly divergent paths. In Ghana in the 18th century, one is sold into slavery and the other marries an Englishman. Homegoing then follows the parallel paths of their descendants through eight generations. Though Homegoing only devotes a single chapter to each character, it manages to develop those characters and their specific settings in more detail than some entire books can. And these chapters are great not only because of what they say about the larger themes of racism and colonialism and family and history, but because of the nuanced, particularized stories they’re able to tell about the individuals.

2. Picture Us in the Light, Kelly Loy Gilbert

Contemporary Young Adult books can feel hit or miss for me. Many of them end up feeling a little shallow or juvenile. And this isn’t a criticism of the books, but a necessary side effect of the fact that I’m not the intended audience. But Picture Us in the Light knocked me over with more force than any “adult” book I read.

Picture Us in the Light, at first blush, is a typical story about Danny Cheng, a Chinese American high school student worrying about getting into college, swirls with weighty plot elements--suicide, citizenship, poverty, familial sacrifice--but never resorts to melodrama. Each issue is treated with a deft, steady hand. But more than anything, it is just the story of Danny Cheng trying to figure out his life. His voice is specifically crafted to reflect everything he is: an aspiring artist, the child of immigrants, Asian American, maybe queer, a Californian, and, maybe most importantly, a teenager. Because Picture Us in the Light turns the youth of its genre, its audience, and its main character into an asset; it channels that unformed teenage energy of wonder, uncertainty, and anxiety to heighten every emotional beat. And mostly, it brims with empathy and optimism for Danny and, really, for everyone.

1. The Starless Sea, Erin Morgenstern

The Starless Sea is the reason I read books. As a kid, I fell in love with reading by devouring entire series, getting lost in a fictional world for days or weeks or months at a time. What made reading so addicting was the feeling of being entirely immersed in the currents of a story. It’s a feeling I don’t get from books much any more. I read too fast, I think too much, and, mostly, I’m too easily distracted. But The Starless Sea brought that feeling of having just spent two weeks reading every Redwall or Lord of the Rings or Ender’s Game book and no longer being able to discern reality from fiction. And for that blissful literary hangover, it was the best book I read in 2019.

The Starless Sea is about Zachary Ezra Rawlins, a video game design graduate student, who comes across an old, unmarked book in his school library. In that book, he comes across a story that impossibly contains a moment from his past, and the book proceeds to unravel that mystery. However, this plot summary is misleading in its linearity; The Starless Sea is structured as books within a book, chapters will switch from the story of Zachary to the story Zachary is reading to maybe a different story altogether. And in this way, it unfolds as a puzzle box, or maybe as nesting dolls, or maybe a Mobius strip (or maybe all three), where figuring out exactly what stories are being told only adds to the experience. 

You won’t find a review of this book that doesn’t call Erin Morgenstern’s writing beautiful or atmospheric or dreamlike, which is appropriate because Erin Morgenstern’s writing is beautiful and atmospheric and dreamlike. Between the whimsical descriptive flourishes and the outward spiraling fantastical plot, the book is always on the verge of floating away or spinning out. But Zachary Ezra Rawlins grounds the story; he’s real and genuine and good, and never have I rooted more for a character. He believes in the power of a great story, and that’s ultimately what this book is about: the ways in which a story can sweep you away. And, truly, The Starless Sea just washed over me, lifted me up, and swept me away.

[cursed-ice-spirits]

Fairy Lights

First of all, happy fucking birthday Rebecca.

Second of all, I blame @thecursedvaultchild for dragging me into this ship. 

Enjoy.

Rebecca put up the last fairy light around the statue and jumped down with a smile. 

She had decorated the Courtyard with fairy lights. Where she got them doesn’t matter. All it matters was that her date is coming soon and she’s extremely nervous.

“You can do this, Lord,” she told herself as she tugged at her purple ao dai. It was beautiful, but was she enough for it? No, stop it. “It’s just a date. With Diego. Who you fancied for a while. No pressure.”

Rebecca took a deep breath and thought back to her conversation with Andre before she went on the date. 

“You look nervous,” Andre said with a slight smile as he zipped up her dress. “A Knut for your thoughts?”

Rebecca pursed her lips. “I don’t know. What am I doing going on this date? This is Diego, one of the best duelers AND dancers in all of Hogwarts. He’s way out of my league.”

“Stop that,” he snipped, poking at her cheek, before going back to doing her hair. The length made it a bit harder to style it but he can deal with it. “You’re not so bad at dueling yourself. Have you seen what you did to Lockwood last week? That coward ran off with his tail between his legs.”

He saw her crack a smile at the memory and continued. “You’re talented at Charms, you’re a master at art and Arithmancy, you know your way around COMC, and you’re a great dancer as well. I should know this, I was your date for the Celestial Ball, after all. All those things make up for the areas you’re not so good at and it makes up who you are. You need to stop putting yourself down.”

“Harder than it looks, Dre,” Rebecca frowned at the mirror. “I don’t know… there are all sorts of what-ifs. Like—“

“What if this turns out like Charlie?” He asked. “It won’t be. It was a mutual break-up and both of you thought it’s better suited not to be in a relationship. Which is fine. But Caplan? He genuinely likes you. It’s not like, one of his flings or something, but he genuinely likes you. Lana thinks he does anyway.”

“Really?”

“Yup.” He finishes the last touches on her hair and pulled back. “You can do this, Bex, just be your true self. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t. Just be happy and believe in yourself.”

“Believe in yourself,” she repeated to herself. “Be your true self. Don’t pretend.”

She sat down at the fountain, facing the entrance of the courtyard and closed her eyes, feeling the wind blowing against her face. It was a beautiful night, a perfect one for a date, and the fact that they weren’t supposed to be out this late gives her a bit of giddiness that comes with breaking the rules. 

Given, she’s a prefect, and she shouldn’t be condoning this, but still.

It’s… nice to be out.  Forgetting her troubles for a moment, she lets herself smile. 

“Your smile is like the sunshine, Sunshine.”

Rebecca couldn’t help but let out a slight laugh as she opened her eyes and looked up, seeing her date smiling down at her.

“That was absolutely horrible,” she said as Diego helped her up. “What do you think?” She asked a bit nervously. 

“It’s beautiful,” he said, and he wasn’t looking at the fairy lights decorating the courtyard, no he was looking straight at her. 

Rebecca felt her ears redden. “I meant the decorations, you doofus.”

“Who said it was about the decorations in the first place? They can never outshine you.” Diego laughed when she just buried her face in his shoulder in response. “You’re adorable when you blush.”

“And whose fault was it in the first place?” She asked, stepping back to pout at him, but it ruined the effect with the gigantic blush still on her face. 

No matter how many times he flirted with her, she still blushes and it frustrates her to no end, because he should not still be having this effect on her after months of pinning and pinning, that’s so unfair. 

“Mine of course,” Diego said with a grin as he tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “And proud of it.”

“Obviously, since you take great delight in making me blush,” she says, rolling her eyes as she poked at his cheek. 

“What can I say?” He grinned as he gently took hold of her hand, catching her by surprise. Kissing every one of her fingers, he looked down at her with a smirk that always drives her mad without fail. “You look gorgeous in red.”

Rebecca’s face turned completely scarlet. “D-D-Diego!” She splutters. 

“What? I’m just saying the truth.” Diego took hold of her chin and tilted it up. “Look, there’s the red now.”

“Oh my god,” Rebecca said. “You are impossible.”

“But you love me,” Diego pointed out, laughing when Rebecca didn’t even bother to deny that, since she was the one who confessed in the first place and asked him out on a date, before running off and dealing with Andre making fun of her the entire day.

Imagine her surprise when he corners her the next day and agrees.

“Shut up,” she says instead, swiping at his arm. 

“Make me,” Diego shoots back with a smirk.

Rebecca reddened even more if that was possible, but grabbed his collar and tugged him down to her level, ignoring the yelp that escaped, and placed a kiss on the side of his mouth 

“Hope that counts,” she tells him as she lets go, then runs off. 

“You little minx!” Diego laughs as he goes after her. “Get back here!”

Seems like he was prepared this time, because he easily catches her and brings her out into a twirl, taking joy in her gasp of surprise, before pulling her to his chest. “Gotcha.”

Her face was burning at the proximity. “Ah, so I can’t really pull the same trick twice, huh.”

“Nope,” he said, popping the ‘p’. He tapped her nose. “How bold of you. Did you really try for a full-on mouth kiss? On the first date?” He teases.

“Still, pretty bold.” He runs a thumb over her scars, sending shivers down her spine and looks at her in the eyes with a soft look that made her heart flutter. 

Rebecca feels her lips quirk into a smile. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“No reason at all,” he said, curling a lock of her hair around his finger and tucking it behind her ear again. “I was just thinking… the atmosphere is rather romantic, don’t you think? How about we… I don’t know,” he leans down and purrs into her ear, “dance?” He pulls away, smirking at her red face. “If there’s music of course.”

She blinks, trying to regain her composure. “T-That’s what I was planning to do before you decided to make me breathless as always. And I know a way to fix the lack of music.”

Seconds later, music starts “mysteriously” playing in the background. Rebecca grinned up at him. 

“A girl has to be prepared.”

“A beautiful girl,” he adds as he lets go. Before she can react, he sweeps into a bow and held out a hand. “May I have this dance?”

Rebecca laughed. “You didn’t have to ask in the first place.” And, with twinkling hazel eyes, she took his hand.

They fit like pieces in a puzzle and danced beautifully. Rebecca was extremely grateful her mother had taught her how to dance, or else she would have tripped over her feet and step on Diego’s foot and that will end up in a disaster. But for now, there was no misstep, or stepping on feet, and she couldn’t help but laugh every time she twirled and twirled, and before she knew it, he was bringing her out into a spin and sweeping her into a dip.

“Oh!” she gasped, finding herself face to face with him. “Hi there.”

His gaze was surprisingly soft as his hand spins into her hair. The smirk that appeared when they were dancing seems to fall away into a fond smile.

It left her speechless. To see that smile aimed at her. 

“You missed earlier, y’know,” He said suddenly. “Allow me to fix it.” Rebecca blinked. “Wha--?”

She was swiftly cut off when he brought her head up and pressed his lips against hers and making the butterflies in her stomach flutter furiously. 

Warmth seems to spread through her entire body. Starting from her fingertips, all the way to the tips of her toes. She melted in his arms and went to kiss back, fluttering her eyes shut and tilting her head to give him better access. 

It was her first kiss and…

Wow. 

Wow.

Unlike the kisses he shared with Summer, it wasn’t hot, passionate, and fierce, it was gentle, sweet, as though she was fragile and he was afraid of hurting her. 

(In many ways, that was so so true.)

Her hands slipped from his shoulders to his hair, threading long fingers through the brown locks. She felt him smile against her lips as he pulled her up to her feet, hands lowering to her hips to pull her closer.

Her heart threatened to burst out of her chest. And it was all over too soon. 

They pulled away at the same time, panting for breath. He stared down at her as though she hung the stars and moon in the sky.

“Wow,” she said, and that was all she can manage. 

Diego’s lips twitched into a smile. “Wow indeed.”

He went to pull her in for more, but then a small meow cut through the air, freezing them in their tracks. 

“I guess we overstayed our welcome,” Rebecca said, her hushed voice filled with glee as she flicked her wand and turned the music off. Another wave took down the fairy lights. “Come on, let’s go before we get caught.”

“Definitely,” Diego grinned as he kissed her neck, making her squeak. “Don’t want to get detention, eh, Miss Prefect?”

Rebecca grabbed his collar and tugged him towards her, pressing a kiss on the side of his mouth and smirked when he freezes up. 

“Oh look at that, I missed,” she said innocently, her eyes twinkling mischievously. “Race me to the Common Room and maybe I won’t miss.”

He smirked. “Oh, you’re on.”

And they raced out of the Courtyard just in time to miss Mrs. Norris passing by, giggling like the teenagers they are and not the battle-worn warriors that fought and fought against Vault after Vault.

They may have kissed more outside the Common Room. 

They may have talked and talked until the wee hours of the morning, before cuddling on the couch. 

They may have done both of those things, but all that mattered is that Penny’s squeal of delight after finding them asleep on the couch together woke them up.

Rebecca let out a groan as she buried her face in Diego’s chest and, if possible, snuggled closer to him. She felt him chuckle and reach up to play with her hair, coaxing her gently to go back to sleep.

Tuning out Penny’s excited chatter about whatever she’s rambling about, Rebecca slipped back to the arms of Morpheus.

She’ll deal with the rumors later.