#speaking of which. INCREDIBLY ableist and shitty of them about the DID shit. like fuck them

[gunsli-01]

Hey, personal life update.

Yeah so I started to get to know this person from a fandom if you follow my sideblog you know which one. Ultimately this person and their significant others consistent mistreatment of me made me hate myself talking about milgram or doing anything. I was consistently stressed and anxious around them and in a state of hypervigilence/anxiety for several months. It wasn't just due to these two though. I also had issues in real life before getting involved with this fandom.

That friends know about already and can be picked up on from the ways I discuss media generally. Along with my general concerns when it comes to fandom. However, these people's just overall hopeless and ableist dsposition really only made my situation worse. As one would weaponize or site everyones diagnoses as reasons for their inability to do anything right. In a way that implied to me that nothing could be done about it because, well, you've got x, so it's better to not even try.

Came off as really just accept you're not capable of x because you're y. The other was just a conflict avoidant individual who ghosted me multiple times and left their significant other to speak on their behalf. Who told me and Star to just not talk to them. So that's what Star and I decided to do earlier this week. So why am I saying this. I'm not one to really regret my behavior and in hindsight considering all the personal shit I was going through I can understand why I was being so defensive and antsy about talking about or even doing anything I enjoyed.

Because it wasn't just fandom stuff, I really wasn't enjoying doing anything. Because I didn't know when or how this person would pop up or if things were fine when they'd just go to being shitty again. I do want to note this as a reminder to myself as what not to do in the future. While working out what caused it.

Honestly, the environment was bad, and the only thing I could do was try to get through it. I had no motivation to continue personal projects or share them. This impacted the idea to make videos out of theories, and I generally had no interest in doing anything. Plus, I was very actively suicidal for all those months. However, since having a more open discussion with Star and her looking over the ways these individuals treated me then going oh yeah that's fucking abusive block them.

I really felt unwelcome and at times downright harrassed in the fandom I was involved with. I was incredibly isolated, and whenever I wrote something on the thing, I was made to feel like I was committing a crime. These two didn't say things that made me feel like that, but their actions did things that made me feel worse. So, just noting as a fully grown adult with a good support system how fucking harmful, isolating, and demeaning people online can be. Along with the longterm and unseen impact it can have on a person.

Along with her helping me go through the process of cutting them off. I've been feeling optimistic about talking with others about the things I love and setting boundaries or stating how I would like to be treated. Something I was anxious about doing for a time because when I would state those things, it'd either go ignored or they'd seemingly actively do what I asked them not to in order to test my feelings for them.

I recognize this may just be how I feel about this or perceived it to be. Which is fine they could have a completely different perception. Yet it doesn't change the fact that their actions hurt me regardless of their intent. And I don't need an apology because the best apology to myself is not constantly feeling on edge, waiting for the next shoe to drop or to hear what I did wrong this time. And instead like talk about shit I like with people who don't treat me like trash because they don't know how to not do that.

But yeah, this treatment impacted how I responded to certain events in fandom and my lack of patience with others exhibiting the same behavior in a space I was trying to relax in. Honestly, I did my best in the circumstances I was in, which was under consistent immense stress. So, I'm proud of myself there. I guess I'm just disappointed that people really can just say I love you and treat you like shit. Actively watch how their behavior impacts you and basically celebrate that you're hurting because at least you're hurting together.

Some people really are just assholes to themselves and then perpetuate that treatment on anyone else they happen to run into. Sucks but I'm feeling better.

[samuraisharkie]

*sighs and unfollows is-the-rabbit-media-cute*

[miasswier]

miasswier’s ultimate glee ranking: no 9

9: Sectionals

Written by: Brad Falchuk Directed by: Brad Falchuk

Overall Thoughts: I adore this episode. It’s in my top three favourite episodes of season one. Everything about it is pure Glee – the Glee I fell in love with, and which still makes me cry like a baby and shout “that’s my fucking show you guys!” to this day. It’s the clubs first competition and it’s so incredible to watch them go out there and, against all odds, actually win. It makes my heart swell just thinking about it. Dear god I love this episode.

What I Like:

Is it a cop out to say everything? Probably. But I really want to say everything. (Okay, no, there are some things I don’t like. But can I say almost everything?)

Mercedes standing up for herself and delivering one of her very best solos of all time. To the point where even Rachel can’t tell her that she’s not good enough and Rachel should step in. It’s amazing to watch. Mercedes literally takes my breath away.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think Rachel was in the right to tell Finn about Quinn and Puck. I know she did it for the wrong reasons, but this had really gone on long enough. Finn wasn’t the father of Quinn’s baby, and he had every right to know that. As much as I adore Quinn (and I do) she was most definitely, 100%, without a shadow of a doubt, in the wrong about keeping this a secret from Finn for so long.

The phone conversation between most of the Glee club. It’s so awesome to see them all as friends outside of the club. The fact that Brittany and Santana were a part of it just made it even better. And, speaking of…

The official beginning of Brittana! I know it was shitty of Brittany to say that, but this is still the first time it’s explicitly stated that something beyond friendship is happening between the two cheerleaders. It’s still so amazing to me to watch where they are here in season one, knowing where they’ll end up. I love Brittana so much you guys.

Emma standing up for the Glee club to the other choir directors. It’s always so awesome to watch Emma stand her ground and really give someone a good shellacking. She’s rarely given the opportunity to be assertive, and it’s too bad because Jayma Mays plays it so well.

Anna Camp’s cameo! I always forget that she’s in this episode and it’s always such an awesome surprise when she shows up (even if her character is ableist as fuck)

I don’t care for Will and Emma, but I still sob watching Will run down the hall trying to catch Emma before she leaves. Blame it on the nostalgia?

Miss Hitchens going to admit that her team cheated. She’s a minor character, but it’s really nice so see that, even though she made a mistake, she’s willing to own up to it and learn and grow.

Quinn telling Puck that she doesn’t want to be with him just because Finn broke up with her. It was really grown up and just a really awesome moment.

Quinn and Rachel talking, and Quinn admitting that she isn’t mad at Rachel. It’s sweet, but I also appreciate that it ends with Quinn asking Rachel to leave.

The fact that Finn and Rachel aren’t shown to get together in this episode. Even if it’s implied in the next one, it’s nice that they didn’t jump straight from Finn/Quinn to Finn/Rachel within seconds. Plus, it’s such a jam-packed episode that there really isn’t time for it.

Terri talking about going to therapy. That’s one thing I’ve always appreciated about this show – how they normalize the idea of going to therapy, and eventually being medicated. This only got better as the seasons went on.

I know I already mentioned Will and Emma, but that whole ending montage is just absolutely fantastic.

The whole competition set list is fantastic. One of their best competitions, by far.

Sue getting suspended. Let me be very clear: I love Sue. But she’s a little shit, and Principal Figgins actually doing his job for once is really refreshing.

What I Don’t Like:

Emma pushing back her wedding to go to Sectionals. Come on, Emma. She’s right not to be surprised that Ken left her.

Um… that’s basically it.

Songs

And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going: THIS SONG YOU GUYS. Chills. Literal chills. And tears. So many tears. I love Mercedes Jones so fucking much oh my god. She’s just so incredible and so talented and just… WOW.

Don’t Rain on My Parade: This is the Rachel solo. I mean, we all know it. She kills it, she sounds amazing, and she blows everyone, including the viewer, away. It’s nice, too, because she’s barely done any show choir ballads yet – it’s mostly been top forty, which I personally don’t like her voice in that much. This song is more in her wheelhouse, and is absolutely fantastic.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want: I mean, it’s no Don’t Stop Believing, but it’s still fantastic. The choreography is simple, which makes it believable that they just put it together. Finn and Rachel sound really good, which makes it one of the few “group numbers” in which I have no objection of them taking lead. Overall a strong closing number (even if the implication is that they actually closed with Somebody to Love)

My Life Would Suck Without You: This cover literally makes me weep, okay? Everyone doing the dances from iconic performances, singing together and sounding awesome, just being so goddamn happy that they won; then pair that with Will running to try and catch up with Emma, his future fucking wife? I’m weak, okay? Weak. Also, much like Jump, this is one of those Glee songs that I’m just like… this is my show, okay? This is my fucking show and I love it so much.

Final Thoughts: Amazing episode, 10/10 would recommend. Seriously. It’s just… awesome. I just watched it and I feel like watching it again, that’s how good it is.

[jojotier]

What do you think of tsurumi and his general appeal? I really like him as a villain and I admit that he's a charming character but the people who worship him and say he did nothing wrong (even as a joke), honestly make me very uncomfortable.. I mean he's so awful and manipulative and abusive, and seeing people completely dismiss this behavior really irks me

This is gonna be split into two sections: What I find appealing about Tsurumi as a fic writer, and why canon both appeals and sickens me, since it’s being misinterpretted so heavily

1. In Fanfiction and AUs

I like him better in aus, to be honest. He’s really goddamn fun to write and read. I think me and fizzyspines are the only ones writing him as a villain in fics, but by God is it fun to slowly build up the tension and the plans, slipping that little niggling feeling of, “what if he’s telling the truth? Should we as an audience trust him and doubt the main heroes?” It’s an exercise in persuasion- through Tsurumi, can I as an author persuade the audience that these fucked up means are justifiable, or hell, even morally correct, to the ends? (They never are.)

And of course, because I am stupidly fond of this bastard, despite how much I hate him, there are a few aus I have where he isn’t a villain at all- he’s just a wacky extra, going through intense therapy and occasionally popping in to say hi. Aus like the modern au with Tsukishima having a dog sees him as settled down and working through shit, slowly working his way back to being somewhat like he was when he took on the name Hasegawa, and in the two theatre aus I have/share, he’s a Shakespearean method actor who uses his experiences and brain trauma to breathe new life into his performances.

He does have a certain versatility to him if you take the time to work out his backstory in different aus and provide support systems which keep him from becoming violent or mad with power. The best way to differentiate a villain Tsurumi and a normal-dude-going-through-some-shit Tsurumi is the true power that they hold- if he’s in any military position or guard post, he’s likely to become powerhungry, because he has the taste of holding power over soldiers/civilians/prisoners/etc. If he’s, say, just some actor who is dedicated to his craft and rose solely on his merits, he doesn’t really have a need for that power, and can thus be somewhat tamer.

2. Overall and In Canon: the Problem with Trying To Excuse Tsurumi’s Behavior

Honestly, Tsurumi is… an interesting case for me- mostly because, in most other respects, I positively love the 7th Division and the characters within. Everyone knows my stance on Koito and Tsukishima already (namely, I love them), but people tend to be a bit surprised when I say I love Nikaidou and Usami too, and Edogai (I’ve made peace with it) as well. Even Maeyama, as short-lived as he was, lives on as the extra of my heart. I even like Tsurumi as a character on his own, because he’s a Damn Good Villain.

But by God do I hate Tsurumi-and-the-7th. Especially in canon.

You’re absolutely right about that abusive, manipulative behavior, and not only does it irk me when people completely gloss over that fact- it irks me when people act as if Tsurumi is Only That Way because of his brain injury. Newsflash, that’s not how brain damage works! Especially not frontal lobe damage! I’ve been studying this stuff for a while in school, and while it is possible for emotionality to change drastically as a result of damage, so many parts of the brain deal in emotionality that damaging just the frontal lobes isn’t usually enough.

Tsurumi shows far too much capacity for differentiating between right and wrong, is what I’m saying. It’s fairly obvious that he has a sense of what different outcomes will yield, and indeed, still has a goal that he wants to work towards. It’s important to recognize that the brain damage didn’t change his goals, and the reason why he acts the way that he acts is because he still has a lot of the personality that he had before the brain injury- he just has far, far less inhibition and more impulsiveness. 

It’s also the reason why, despite Sugimoto going into psychotic breaks, he still generally comes back to his sweet, fun self. And as much as I love Tsukishima, I know that his warning to not become like Tsurumi isn’t the reason Sugimoto is restraining himself. The reason is that, in the end, Sugimoto’s original personality remains. Likewise with Tsurumi- it’s just that Tsurumi’s base personality is that of a piece of shit. The way Tsurumi treats his men, like dogs he’s trained, pisses me off so so much, you have no idea.

And we know damn well that Tsurumi has always been up to this manipulative shit- after all, he took Tsukishima off of death row and likely still holds that little fact over his head. He lied about Igogusa being alive for 9 years- and instead of, say, finding anyone else to work with him as translators (as I’m sure there were MANY available in the army) and setting Tsukishima free with perhaps the offer of helping him fake his death to give him a new shot at life (unsure of whether Tsukishima would take the deal, but if Tsurumi ever offered it, it would have been shown by now) he more or less traps Tsukishima with him. 

And then, right as he’s about to be confronted and found out, he uses the fact that they’re caught in an explosion to his advantage as an “aha, have you now” moment- “I’ve saved you, you need me,”, that sort of message. And that proves that he’s been premeditating his colonizing of Hokkaido for a long, long time.

As for his appeal, I have to give credit where credit’s due- the guy is a master planner and a damn fun villain, and the way he plays off of other characters is great. He’s a fascinating character, because in a lot of ways, when he’s shown alone, he isn’t nearly as interesting- like when he’s standing over the floor of skins before Karafuto arc. It really does speak to how much of his behavior around others is calculated to be just so. However, to dismiss all of these parts, or worse- to say that he’s actively helping all the men he comes across- is to deny him a great part of his character, and glorify him into being something he’s not. Then, all that does is suck the life out of any character that’s even standing next to him, and ignoring all the wrong shit he does. 

Moreover than all of that… it’s incredibly dangerous thinking. It both demonizes those with brain trauma and strips them of their responsibility in equal measure- by saying that Tsurumi is just the way he is “”because of his injury!!! dont be so ableist and mean >:(” is to say that all people who have parts of their frontal lobes removed are going to become violent, genocidal sociopaths manipulating any person that may even vaguely constitute a loved one. 

To say that it’s because of his injury also denies that Tsurumi is a cold, calculating individual, and excuses all his shitty behavior as “oh, well, he just doesn’t know how to function properly!! It’s Alright, he Cares, In His Own Way”. No he does not. And the idea that “oh, he doesn’t know how to function properly” is a piss poor argument in the first place- just because someone doesn’t know how to act (or “make friends” or whatever- I’ve seen this argument used with Ogata too) does not excuse NOR EXPLAIN FULLY the behavior that they exhibit. If these characters do not have the capacity to act and function in ways that don’t hurt people, and if they are not reaching out for help in some way and are not trying to actively better themselves, then they have NO BUSINESS being around anyone.

And let’s face it- Tsurumi loves being the way he is. He’s not changing for shit.

tl;dr: Interesting character, too bad people use his brain trauma as an excuse for the atrocities he commits when the trauma isn’t what ultimately causes him to do abusive, manipulative shit. Tsurumi’s a piece of shit, but he’s a fun piece of shit

[theworstassassinever]

So I’m just going to put this here because I need to shout into the void? It is going to be long and ranty and personal, so whatever. 

There’s a possibility that the people this is referring to will see it, and like if that’s the case, so be it. If you do see this, know that I still care about you and whilst I’m angry now about everything, I’m not going to hold onto this resentment and I will forgive you. You’re not a bad person.  I’m hoping that putting this out there will finally get this shit out of my head. Because I’ve been going though phases of being fine, and the suddenly remembering and it’s shitty.  It is going to talk kinda in depth about someone else, and this will refer to some of their personal struggles because the whole incident revolves around that. But basically the story starts with having two friends who are very, very, very fucking sick. Like, one of them cannot stay out of hospital that’s how sick they are. I am going to refer to them as R and K.  I’ve been that kinda sick before, to a slightly lesser degree. It’s not fun. I get that it fucks with your brain, and you at your sickest is not who you really are as a person. And that’s why even though I am angry, I’m not going to hold on to my anger. Because I know deep down, this isn’t you. 

R is autistic, recently diagnosed. Now this friend has a habit of clinging to things they identify as and kinda making that the core of their personality. It’s been a few different things over the years, however they will pick an identity and then get very mad at anyone who they perceive as attacking them for it.  I’m not sure why they do this, but I think it’s because they are ill. See, mental health is like a house that you’re building. It takes self-care and attention to build the house, and whilst others can help you and will help you at the end of the day they can’t build the house for you. Houses are built on a foundation, however if you do not have a strong foundation (identity, self worth, sense of who you are) then anything you build on top of that foundation is going to crumble down at the slightest knock. And R? I don’t think they have a foundation, let alone a stable one.  And R used to message me a lot, mostly consisting of ‘This has happened to me, this is shit, I want someone to know about it’ and like whilst I care, sometimes they message me this when I am in a really bad place. Like last time they messaged me.  See I’d been going through a lot of personal things around this exact same time and I was already upset for various reasons. And then out of the blue I get R messaging me telling me how bad they’ve been treated by these people and how awful everything is, and it’s just like I get that you’re upset, but damn dude I’m already on a bloody downer myself I don’t think I can cope with anything else. Like I was feeling pretty depressed myself and like hearing someone else tell me about how bad things can get and how awful you are treated when you’re that bloody depressed and at the hospital isn’t something that I can deal with all of the time. It’s a lot.  And R told me that a health care professional said something about them, saying that they should speak up for themselves instead of having someone else speak for them. Which like, whilst I can understand the health care professional’s point and where they are coming from, I don’t think it was right for them to say it within the patient’s earshot and in a situation where you’re looking after an incredibly sick person who isn’t going to tell you what is wrong, it’s probably for the best if someone else speaks up and says what it wrong. However, I do not think that that the person themselves should not try to speak up.  Because I said that, R messaged me saying that it was against autistic people, that it was ableist and neurotypical standard that they should not be forced to uphold. And I was like, wait what. And I stated that I disagreed with their statement, that I did not think that someone saying that R should attempt to speak for themselves and not let someone else speak for them all the time is inherently ableist. However I did say that I thought the context in which the statement was said was extremely unprofessional and should never have happened.  R stopped replying to me, and like I knew instantly they were pissed at me. However, I thought this would be something that we’d get over and move on from and that R just needed some time to cool down. This was the last direct interaction I had with R. About two days later I got a long message from R’s girlfriend, K. Now K is someone who at the time, I would have considered a very close friend. I care a lot about K, and they haven’t had the easiest run in life. Like K is someone who has lived with me and my mum a few times because their own home is pretty unbearable.  This message started with them saying that they’d spoken to R, and wanted to hash some things out with me. The whole message felt very condescending, and it was very much of the tone ‘you know nothing about autistic people’. A direct quote from K’s message is “I think things need to be explained so people who aren't autistic, or aren't around autistic people a lot can understand.”  And that kinda made my blood boil. For some back context, I realised that neither K or R asked me how I was doing or anything about myself around about April? And I was curious to know weather this was just be being too sensitive to something or not realising, or if it was an actual thing that was happening. So I made a conscious decision to not offer information like I used to, and to wait until they asked me about my life, or what I was doing and that kind of thing.  And part of what annoyed me the most, was that for the past few months I had been unofficially seeing / casually dating someone. And the person who I was seeing was autistic.  Now again their autism wasn’t the main focus of our relationship (fucking obviously) but I did do quite a bit of research into finding out more about it and like talking to this guy about things and just in general spending most, if not all of my time, around this guy.  So for K, who I considered one of my closest friends, to basically talk down to me about autism and say that I clearly didn’t understand it or spend a lot of time around people with autism (also, another member of that same friend group is autistic might I add) really like offended me.  K didn’t know this about my life, and I connected the dots and realised that K didn’t know a lot of things about my life anymore that hurt because I always asked K about things, how uni was doing or R and other stuff because I cared. Everyone in my life knew about the guy I was casually seeing, and I realised that neither K or R did, because they never asked and i started to think that maybe they do not care.  I even asked this guy himself, told him what had gone down and asked if I was being ableist and I even asked a few different people who I knew to see if i had done wrong and just couldn’t see it. Some people didn’t word their responses kindly, but the consensus was, wtf?  I was stuck in this conversation, feeling like I was being talked down to, realising that these people did not actually know really about my life, not being able to disagree with them on a certain point, and i thought to myself, this isn’t healthy. I was being told that I cannot speak on the issue, that what I think doesn’t matter because I wasn’t autistic. I don’t get to decide what is and isn’t ableist, however wouldn’t anyone who was accused of such a thing try to defend themselves? Especially if they wholeheartedly believed that the statement wasn’t true.  K messaged me to explain and defend themselves for speaking up and telling the mental health professionals things about R and that was fine. And it is fine, K had every right to do that. Just like I have every right to tell someone that, hey I do not agree with you and i think you are wrong.  And fundamentally I realised that I could not disagree with R, and in turn that meant K.  K also told me that ‘Yes autistic people can learn to change how they communicate but why should they? Why should an individual constantly distress themselves and tell themselves they aren't good enough to learn to communicate how "normal" people do’ And my response to that is, no one is telling an autistic person that they are not good enough. No one has said such a thing. I think that maybe R is insecure about being autistic, that they feel bad about it when it is not something to feel bad or ashamed of at all. Autism is not something that will hold you back from achieving anything, it may mean that it takes you longer to do certain things, that you need more help and patience and support whilst doing things, but I do not believe that it excludes you from doing those things either.  No one is telling themselves that autistic people are not good enough, because they are good enough. Some of the sweetest, kindest, most intelligent people who I have met in my life have been autistic. They are good enough to learn to communicate.  I think it is good for them to push themselves to use words and speak to people, because especially when coupled with social anxiety you can create a fear of speaking to people in your head and by not even attempting to speak, you are reinforcing this fear in your head.  The only way you are going to get better at communicating is to practice doing it. Again I do not think that being autistic gives you an excuse to not try to speak or do anything. I do not think that is problematic. I just do not. I may be wrong in thinking that, but I do not feel as if I should be made out to be a bad person for having that point of view.  I should be able to disagree with my friends without it turning into a massive blow out and completely breaking up a friendship. 

So I composed a long messaged.  Now I am not going to lie, this message was harsh.  I told them that I understood a fair amount about autism, more than they believed I did anyway. I told them that I spent time around people with autism. I stated that whilst I understood everyone was different that I did not understand why they expected everything to change for them, and that they seemed to expect these changes to happen overnight whilst the world does not work like that.  Change happens gradually over time, and other people need time to get used to things. You cannot just force things upon other people, because the more do you that, the more someone tries to reject that viewpoint.  I said in regards to R and how they are treated, everything is awful and nothing is ever good enough. Everything seemed to be awful, and problematic, and everything was derogatory and bad and no one ever seemed to be kind to R or say anything that wasn’t directly attacking them.  I stated that I was scared to speak my opinions, tell them things about my life or say things that I truly think because I believed they would just brand me as ‘toxic’ or ‘problematic’ and that a disagreement would become a big issue.  I told them that I believe both K and R, but R especially, victimises themselves and takes everything as a personal attack even when they don’t need to. That everything is doom and gloom and going to hurt you or attack you, when if you look at the world from a much healthier mindset that it isn’t the case. (again, going back to the strong foundation, which neither R or K have because they are sick).  I stated that they only see the world like that because of their illnesses, and that it is easier to focus and blame other people for what is wrong and what is going on, because especially when you are that sick it is harder to focus on your own issues or what is going wrong with you.  Calling everyone else ‘problematic’ because they do not agree with you, isn’t healthy. Taking everything as a personal attack on your and your character, isn’t healthy.  K and R need to reflect on why they feel like that, realise that those patterns of behaviour are not healthy and are just making them feel even more sick. It’s a downward spiral that they are never going to climb out of until they break it. They need to focus inwards and internally, fix themselves and help themselves and put on your own goddamn oxygen mask before they go out and try to fix the world.  I stated that if someone else was constantly in the wrong, that they did not have to examine their own behaviour and look at what they were doing, I told them that if someone was hurting you and attacking you, that you feel powerless to stop them and you do not do anything. You absolve yourself of power, when in reality you have more power over that situation than you ever realise.  I said that their world views were very skewed because of how sick both K and R are. R will happily walk around with fresh self harm cuts and burns with them out on display, and not realise how harmful or triggering that could be to anyone else. They used to have the saying that implied self harm wasn’t bad because it stopped you from attempting suicide, which is an awfully dangerous and super unhealthy mindset to have.  Both of them together create a toxic environment, where one negative thing leads into another. Where R is constantly telling K how bad things are, how awful the world is and when K is hearing them things constantly, K is going to start believing that and it will in turn make K worse.  With both of them together, feeding into the same cycle, neither will get better. And it breaks my heart because when both of them are healthier, they are amazing extraordinary people who I care for a lot.  But when they are sick? It is awful. I told them that every conversation we had revolved around R’s illness, because it did. Every single conversation any of us had ended back to that. I pointed out that they didn’t know anything about what I had done in the past year, that they had never asked and did not seem to care. And it fucking hurts when you care about someone more than they care about you. It’s awful. I said that neither of them seem to care about anything other than themselves or their illnesses, that it was unhealthy and it was too much for me to deal with because being in that one-sided relationship where you are constantly providing support and care but getting nothing back would drain even the most selfless of people. It creates a negative impact on your mental health, and when you are already feeling bad and like depression is trying to drag you down into the abyss, the last thing you need is someone telling you how awful everything is and trying to claw you down as well. I told them that I deserved better than a one-sided friendship, that I deserve friends who I can disagree with without being made to feel like a bad person, I deserve friends who ask how I'm doing and know things about my life and actually care about me.   I’m not wrong there. I do have friends like that, other friends and I love them.  I ended the message by saying that even though I cared about both of them, I needed a break and to be away from them because it was negatively impacting my own mood. I had to put on my own oxygen mask, and help myself before I could help anyone else. Because at the end of the day, I am the only person who can fix me. And they can only fix themselves.  The message I got was a ‘if that’s how you think and feel, then that is that, if you need space and time away do that, I’m not going to write a long message back’. And like, in a way I could understand it but it also broke my heart. I felt like K did not care enough to fight or put effort into our friendship that we’d had since we were 14. It felt like one disagreement, and they were just ready to throw it all away and that hurt like a bitch.  They stated that they were not even going to say anything, not try to sort out any of the issues with me or communicate. It was just radio silence.  However I decided that, maybe it was for the best and what I wanted. I was willing to leave things at that for a while.  UNTIL TWO HOURS LATER. I got a message, from a friend of K and R’s who shall be named S.  S messaged me saying how me saying that I’d be better off without R and K was very triggering, how S would never call them selfish because R cared about other people and their animals, how knowing one autistic people didn’t mean that you understood autistic people (not hypocritical at all...), how S disagreed with me saying that they viewed themselves as a victim, how S witnessed a different side to things and how S didn’t want me to lose a friendship over a disagreement.  Well guess what S? Your message was the reason why I decided to terminate the friendship.  I have never spoken to S before in my life. I didn’t even know S was someone who existed. However I felt violated that K had not only shared the message I had sent, but twisted the words.  I never said that I would be better off without K or S, I said that I deserved better friends who cared about me and that I needed time away from them to look after myself because they were a lot. I never called anyone selfish.  And it was the fact that my words got twisted in such a way, that S had been told so much and decided to message me, that K couldn’t say anything to try and fix our relationship but was more than happy to rant about how awful I was to S? That the message had been shared with R, and they too had been ranting to S and other mutual friends.  That was too much, especially after I said that I needed time away and that I needed space. I was made out to seem like such a bad and awful person, however none of this was said to me.  I messaged S asked them to never speak to me again, but then at 3am when I was upset and angry and hurt I send a long message back which I when through their points. I unfriended both K and R, because I didn’t like the idea of someone who was so willing to say shit about me behind my back and be so unwilling to talk things through with me or say it directly to me being labelled as a ‘friend’.  I said what I needed to say directly to K, knowing that R would read it. So much awful things have been said about me behind my back and not to my face. I blocked R on facebook, because I did not want them to contact me (i also sent a link to a taylor swift song containing the lyrics ‘did you think i wouldn’t hear all the things you said about me?’ because i was angry and petty as fuck). However, the line for K to talk to me is still open, because I still care about K and whole fucking lot.  R went on to message a mutual friend that I had said awful things about autistic people, painting me in an bad light and the mutual friend even messaged me to get my side of the story knowing that I would never deliberately be that malicious.  Which upsets me, why talk shit about me to a mutual friend when you are not willing to say anything directly to me?  But no, I’m the bad person who got a whole entire facebook status written about them. I’m the person who gets told ‘screw you’ by K even though before this incident, I fucking cared about K so much and would do pretty much anything for them. But no, I’m awful and screw me. It is a lot.  And I want this to be over with.  I want to stop hurting about my ‘friends’ doing this to me. If they truly knew who I was, they would know that I’m not malicious or vindictive or someone who hates another person because they are autistic.  Sure, especially when I am hurt or in a bad place I am harsh and blunt but does that make me bad? No. If they knew me at all, they would know that.  It hurts to care about someone, and then realise that evidently they do not give that much of a fuck about you. It hurts that someone is so willing to trash you to mutual friends and try to turn them against me just to make themselves feel better.  It hurts, but I’m stronger than that hurt. And here is the thing. I’m upset, I am angry. I don’t think that I explained myself the clearest or did everything right. I am not always right.  However, I am not a bad person. I know who I am, and I know who I am not.  I don’t blame you for being hurt, I don’t blame you for being angry. I do think you treated me awfully, and should take a long hard look at yourself and your actions and not do it to someone else.  I think once you get past the stage of hating me and writing screw you messages, maybe you will be able to realise that I’m not the awful person you think I am.  K, if you want to talk or sort things out, that door is open for when you are not angry and when you do not hate me anymore. If you never want to talk or do not get to that point, it is fine, but if you do you know how to contact me. I still care about you a lot and wish you well. Your actions have hurt me, but it isn’t anything I won’t come back from.  You’re a good person, and you need to look after yourself and take some time away from the whole situation, from everyone involved including me and R and work on yourself. You are stronger than your issues.  I don’t know what else to say. I’ll forgive both of them eventually, because holding on to the hurt and the anger is only hurting me. It’s something that I will get over, and i hope by sending this out into the void and getting this off my chest that maybe I’ll be able to forget about it and move on. For now, peace out. x 

[lawlightfan42069]

ok so I wanna go into psych as like a career or something, but I always see tumblr complain of "neurotypical psychiatrists™" and all that so I was wondering (yeah wait ok for context I am neurotypical) how can I avoid being the Neurotypical™? not in a "I wish I was underprivileged so I could have something to complain about" ofc (in case that's how I came off) but I think you get what im asking?? hopefully

well the big thing id keep in mind is that you have to Listen to neurodivergent people about their experiences. this might seem simple and straightforward but hooo boy u have no clue how often we are not listened to, how our problems are dismissed, how our understanding of Our Own Mental Illnesses is seen as not as important. the biggest problem w neurotypical psych majors and the like is that they prioritize Their understanding of neurodivergence over what neuodivergent people are saying. like pls just listen!! and dont think that bc u took an intro to psych class like Once u suddenly have a better grasp of what its like to be nd than actual people who are nd. dont lecture nd people because u think u know better than them. dont talk down to us or treat us like we are secondary sources in our own lives. i cannot stress this enough like just Listen and stay in ur lane i swear if u do these two things ur ahead of a solid 80% of neurotypical psych majors already lmfao. and whenever you can please correct your fellow neurotypical people if u see them doing shitty things call them out on it. if u find urself being called out by a neurodivergent person Listen To Them Holy Shit bc as a nt person ur probably gonna fuck up inevitably so Listen when nd people tell u that you did. 

this is really the biggest thing. if u really want to assist nd people in any sense youve got to listen to us about our realities. dont dismiss problems because they dont seem to u to be problems. and  don’t act like just bc youve meet one nd person youve met them all Like i am but one nd person and someone elses experiences are sure to differ from mine so dont use /my/ experience to tell another person ‘no its not like that’ and also dont use another persons experience to tell me ‘no its not like that.’ whenever possible find a way to give a platform for neurodivergent people Because trust me my dude the neurotypical voice is way Way overrepresented in the field l m f a o find a way to help nd people be heard bc we are often not. boost neurodivergent voices whenever u can. dont speak on behalf of people if u can make them heard directly. also neurodivergent people often have their own communities for discussing stuff and in that case just stay out of them. those communities arent for u..dont intrude or come in thinking u can give advice Or just in any way think ur entitled to neurodivergent peoples communities just bc ur a psych major. and be aware of ableism!! its really such a wide and vast issue that i cant rly hope to cover it in a concise way here but Always make urself aware of things that are ableist and try to adjust ur behavior. being aware of ableism is so incredibly important and u wouldnt believe how many psych students just really fucking arent. im not just talking about the overt ways that everyone can recognize as ableism, but the more subtle ways it often manifests.

also while im alright with answering this question please dont act like every nd person in ur day to day life has to be a Representative and explain every thing to you. we dont exist as lessons to teach neurotypical people so dont demand that we live our Every Second of our lives to teach u. this is different than going into a general setting designed for conversation- im saying like if u know ur friend is depressed dont treat as if they have to like The Representative of Their Disorder every second of the day. take the time to educate urself. also when u do know nd people, dont try to say things like “haha yeah i deal with that too” if theyre detailing stuff that impacts them bc of their mental health p l e a s e dont do that. u might think ur harmlessly relating to them But in fact u are continuing a trend in which symptoms that mentally ill ppl must deal with are “essentially the same” as what a neurotypical person goes through. so So often symptoms are met with “everyone goes through that” and its just simply not true so dont perpetuate that. 

please Please dont do the thing that i see so many nt psych majors do where theyre all “i want to get into this field because the mentally ill people are so Fascinating :) their brains are so Interesting to examine :)’ bc it feels so… dehumanizing i think is the best word. there is ways to phrase a desire to learn more and educate urself about human psychology Without sounding dehumanizing. one of the biggest issues in the field is the way neurodivergent people are treated as less than human. watch out for the way u discuss neurodivergent people and Ask urself if the way ur talking sounds like youre discussing cattle. treat nd people as less than human is probably one of the biggest and most ingrained issues in the field so keep it in mind pretty much always. and please Please especially dont turn this mentality onto ur nd friends. dont try to psychoanalyze them out of nowhere like that not every single nd person u meet exists to be a Study for u. on top of that its really othering. nd people are in fact People so treat them as such. we’re not case studies for u.

also (and this is true for literally every nt person regardless) dont try to pull the ‘we’re all a little bit depressed xD’ or ‘nobody is Really neurotypical we’re all different’ bc all it does is delegitimize the specific experiences that nd people have had for being neurodivergent. like No we’re not all “a little  ___” and by claiming so u erase the things that we have to deal with Specifically for being neurodivergent by pretending its a thing that impacts people equally. and also other general nt things to keep in mind- advice like “drink some water and do yoga” is 100% entirely fucking useless literally always i can guarantee u nobody wants to hear it.dont claim you support nd people and then turn around and support ableist ways of thinking/humor. dont…please just fucking dont…. do the stuff like “Heres the mental illness that donald trump (or any bad person) has xD” please stop equating being mentally ill with being a fundamentally bad person. really in general stray away from giving anyone unwanted advice and dont think that whatever courses youve taken make u an expert on any individuals neurodivergence more than they are.