#speaking of bpd sucker will definitely be completed but i will have to cut some chapters because i dont have the willpower to stretch it out

[fatuifucker]

hiyaaa I wanna do a little rant/commentary on my lesbian experience but a focus on the genshin fandom because I do be thinking about it at 2am, feel free to ignore I just wanted to get my thoughts on and see if anyone relates

you see, I could never fathom being lesbian because I never experienced the same things my peers had. I never thought "ew men I would never date a man" until recently, I never realised I was attracted to women until my early teens, I never liked fictional women the way I like fictional men.

I see my sapphic peers passionately advocating for eimiko, beiguang, jeanlisa, etc but I couldn't care less and I never actively searched for those ships either. whenever I try to read fics like that, I couldn't connect with it the way I connected with mlm ships or straight pairings sometimes. until now, I still don't understand why I feel this way.

I try so hard to write reader x fem characters but it never comes out right despite me doing massive research on the character and I don't know why. when I write it, it doesn't feel natural, it feels forced, it doesn't feel right.

I don't understand why because I know I only like non-men irl and I abhor the idea of marrying a man. I feel disgusted at the thought of kissing a man. but I feel safe doing all those things with a woman.

at times, I wonder if I really am a lesbian. usually I feel like I'm a fraud because of these experiences lol but what do you guys think?