#speaking in a cinematic sense - the way it's filmed is so fucking TERRIFYING

[apricusapollo]

I forgot how traumatising the first 5 minutes of s6ep7 of teen wolf is

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

The Best & Worst of 2017

It has been a WEIRD year. Nintendo’s dominating the video game scene again, the seemingly eternal presence of Adam West is no more, Taylor Swift somehow got even bitchier, DC finally made a good movie, and they let a chimp in a suit into the White House again (you think they would have learned their lesson after Reagan). But we’re not here to look at the world in a broad sense, no; we’re here to take a look at movies, because that’s what I do. And let me tell you… This was a fine year for films.

You often see people say years like 1999 or 1939 were the peak years for cinema, but after this year, I’ve gotta say 2017 is my favorite year in cinematic history. Let me put it this way: The list of movies here was originally a top 20. In fact, I only saw a handful of movies I’d say were genuinely bad this year. At least 6 of the movies I saw are easily in my top 25 films ever made, and even my favorite movie ever came out this year. So yeah, this year was FUCKING AWESOME for movies.

Now, there were some really tough cuts, so let me give a few honorable mentions before we dive into the top 10 films: Spider-Man: Homecoming, the best Spider-Man movie in a decade with perhaps the most compelling villain in the MCU; Get Out, Jordan Peele’s racially-charged horror film that deals with condescending positive discrimination and other kinds of left-wing racism, and is one of the strongest directorial debuts I’ve ever seen; Hey Arnold! The Jungle Movie, the long awaited finale to the adventures of Arnold Shortman, and a truly satisfying one to boot; Kingsman: The Golden Circle, a kickass sequel with a great turn by Sir Elton John of all people; and Power Rangers, a very character driven sci-fi movie that has a rather slow pace but still manages to ooze heart and charm. And those are just the ones I really wanted to spotlight; there are quite a few other movies I enjoyed this year.

Now, on to the first list!

TOP 10 MOVIES OF THE YEAR

10. Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie

TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAAA! Dreamworks finally delivers the film we’ve been waiting for for years, and it’s every bit as good as we could have hoped. Combining the best elements of the first four books was a great idea, as it allows for much more interesting character interactions, character development, and concepts, not to mention the franchise’s best villain (Professor Poopypants) gets to show up early. Pray we get a sequel, because the creativity showcased here cannot be squandered! We need more of the Waistband Warrior!

9. Baby Driver

You know, in light of everything that happened this year, is it really right to place so high a movie in which a character played by Kevin Spacey takes in a young boy and tries to control him into being a criminal? Yeah. It is. This is a damn good film, with some truly great Mickey Mousing and an excellent soundtrack, as well as fantastic performances across the board. It’s one of the least Edgar Wrighty films  in Wright’s filmography, and all the better for it.

8. Wonder Woman

Is this the perfect, ultimate superhero movie? Hell no. Does it finally break the DCEU trend of crappy final villains? Um, nope. Is it an uplifting, hopeful, optimistic superhero movie with an idealistic, badass protagonist, a solid supporting cast, and an interesting setting? Fuck yes it is. Wonder Woman fans can rest easy that she got the treatment she deserved on the silver screen.

7. Logan

Rarely has a movie that is just so bitterly depressing from the get-go been so damn good. Hugh Jackman and Sir Patrick Stewart turn in their (possibly) final performances as Wolverine and Professor X, and by god what performances they give. But they face some seriously steep competition in the acting department from Dafne Keen, the newcomer playing Laura, Logan’s ‘daughter’ after a fashion. This is easily the best X-Men film ever made aside from Deadpool, and definitely the best serious one.

6. Star Wars: The Last Jedi

You know that one friend you have who just pisses you off to the point you want to punch their teeth out, yet at the end of the day you still love and appreciate them and they’re still your friend for life? That’s basically what this movie is. It does SO much aggravating, frustrating bullshit, tosses out so many potentially interesting plot points, wastes so much potential… but on the other hand, it delivers some of the most stunning moments in the entire saga, the best performance yet from Mark Hamill, a bunch of interesting surprises, and lets Kylo Ren and Rey come into their own. Never before have I loved a film I hate so much of.

5. Thor: Ragnarok

I never in my life thought I would enjoy a Thor movie. Historically speaking, Thor’s movies blow; I was expecting mediocrity at best. Ah, but what a fool I was! Truly I underestimated the power of Taika Waititi, Led Zeppelin, 80s aesthetic, and Jeff Goldblum, because this is easily one of Marvel’s best films, not just of the year, but ever, and is 100% the best Thor film.

4. John Wick: Chapter 2

While my opinion of this has slightly softened – I prefer the first film more after some thought – don’t think for a second this film isn’t as awesome as I previously stated. This film has some of the best worldbuilding I’ve ever seen, some of the most exhilarating action, and some of the most engaging Keeanu Reeves acting. Plus, Reeves shares the screen with Laurence Fishburne again; what’s not to love here?

3. The Disaster Artist

Oh hai James Franco! Seth Rogen’s wacky BFF managed to bring the story of Tommy Wiseau and his quest to film the infamously awful film (that just so happens to be one of my all-time favorite movies) The Room to life. I didn’t doubt that a big fan like Franco would fuck up telling this story, but the way he portrayed the intriguingly strange man that is Wiseau was better than anything I could have imagined. While the filmmaking techniques are rather simple and it’s not like the movie reinvents the wheel, it truly showcases a fascinating man and the creation if his equally fascinating film in way that both fans of The Room and Tommy as well as newcomers can enjoy.

2. It

Joining the ranks of Watchmen and The Lord of the Rings in the category of “Unfilmable Works with Amazing Film Adaptations” is Stephen King’s classic tale of a group of children fighting back against a nightmarish abomination that devours children and takes the shape of a clown. Finally, that travesty of a miniseries from the 90s can be scrubbed from memory, and replaced with this much scarier, much funnier, and much more visually interesting version of the story. It changes things here and there, but through all the changes the spirit remains the same, as should be the case for a good adaptation. Best of all: No Sewergy!

1. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Maybe it’s the stronger character arcs and development on display here. Maybe it’s how absolutely awesome and complex Yondu became in this movie. Maybe it’s the inclusion of the oddball villain Ego, played to perfection by Kurt Russell and helping give a MCU villain that’s actually interesting and complex. Maybe it’s the killer soundtrack, and how all the songs are deftly woven into the story so that the songs tell the story without the characters needing to explain things. Maybe it’s all of that and more that add up into making this my favorite film in the entire MCU, my favorite film of the year, and my favorite film of all time.

TOP 10 CHARACTERS

This year had a lot of really great characters in the movies. Here are the ten best and brightest; again, this was really hard to narrow down, this list was also originally at twenty. There was no shortage of great, enjoyable new characters this year.

10. Ahmanet

The Mummy

The Mummy movie has gotten mixed reactions; the mummy herself, Princess Ahmanet, has not. She is pretty universally agreed to be the best and most interesting part of the movie, with Sofia Boutella giving a fantastic performance. It’s a shame so much of focus on her was cut for more Tom Cruise… in a movie called The Mummy, Ahmanet truly deserved the most focus. At least what she got lead to some pretty cool shit.

9. Tempest Shadow

My Little Pony: The Movie

The one big thing that ties the Friendship is Magic movie together and makes it great is its awesome villain, Tempest Shadow. She has an awesome concept in a unicorn with a fractured horn that causes her magic to be unstable and dangerous, she has an awesome design, and Emily Blunt gives her such a wonderful performance. The fact she gets an incredible villain song is icing on the cake.

8. The Grandmaster

Thor: Ragnarok

It’s Jeff Goldblum as a hedonistic overlord of an alien planet in a Marvel movie. This is literally the greatest thing ever to happen to the MCU.

7. Billy

Power Rangers

Billy is, without a doubt in my mind, the heart and soul of the new Power Rangers, the glue that binds them all together. He’s also pretty unique in that he is a character with autism and is never really treated any differently than anyone else by the other characters. Gotta give major props for that, they never boil him down to his bare essentials and instead make him a fleshed out and likable character. Here’s hoping there’s a sequel so we can see more of him.

6. Pennywise

It

The world’s most terrifying clown is here, and he is played to perfection by Bill Skarsgard. He’s terrifying, monstrous, creepy, and just disturbingly bizarre. He really brought the character from the books to life, and definitely managed to do a good job at being different enough from Tim Curry’s performance to stand on his own. The only drawback is that he doesn’t get as much character to him as he deserves, but the sequel can fix that up. Until then, we got all those funny dancing memes to laugh at.

5. The Vulture

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Marvel absolutely annihilated their run of weak, unengaging villains this year; Adrian Toomes was the final nail in the coffin for that trend, being one of the most fascinating and awesome villains yet seen in the MCU. Taking a really dopey villain from the comics and turning him into basically Walter White with an alien jetpack while still calling back to the cheesy original design was a real stroke of genius. Michael Keaton’s performance really sells things, particularly in the car ride scene; just the facial acting as he puts two and two together, the tension in the air so thick it’s oppressive… I’m glad Toomes is alive by the end, because he DEFINITELY needs to come back.

4. Ego the Living Planet

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

The best villain of the year from Marvel is also one of the strangest, most unexpected characters to ever pop up in a superhero movie: Ego, the Living Planet. His physical avatar that interacts with the cast is played by Kurt Russell, who is oozing fatherly likability and charm to Peter, a charm that belies his selfish and – ahem – egotistical nature. Once Ego’s plans and actions are revealed, he truly comes across as one of the most complex villains out there; his motives, while selfish and awful, do seem to come from a place of profound loneliness, albeit loneliness exacerbated by an extreme case of arrogance.

3. Richie Tozier

It

Even in the face of his worst nightmares, even in the face of impending death, Richie never stops doing what he does best: being a little shit. He has a line for every occasion, some crude joke for any situation, and is constantly making jokes about banging Eddie’s mom and how big his dick is. For a character that so easily could have been annoying… he’s easily the funniest fucking character in the whole movie. We NEEDED someone like Richie to brighten things up; if he wasn’t here, well, things might just have been a tad too bleak.

2. Sir Elton John

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Celebrities playing themselves in movies tend to be very brief cameo roles or one-scene wonders, which is sort of what I expected from Sir Elton John; he’d just walk on for a scene, maybe score a laugh, then vanish from the movie. But boy was I wrong; John is spouting profanity across at least two scenes, berating his captors, and more than that… he plays a major role in saving the world. AND EVEN MORE! He offers Harry the same reward Eggsy got in the first film. The moment I saw Sir Elton John deliver a flying kick while dressed in a gaudy drag outfit, taking a man out, I knew for a fact 2017 was my favorite year of cinema ever, hands down.  

1. Tommy Wiseau

The Disaster Artist

Somehow, some way, James Franco was able to do the impossible and convincingly pull off a portrayal of cinema’s oddest anomaly, the enigmatic loon known as Tommy Wiseau. The accent is well done, the mannerisms are pretty spot on, and it is perfectly evident that Franco has a great deal of respect for the man himself. This is truly a performance that can stand alongside Johnny Depp’s Ed Wood. Anyway, how is your sex life?

THE 5 BEST RETURNING CHARACTERS

It’s not just newcomers who impressed; there were plenty of great turns from previously established characters. Here’s the five best, most improved characters:

5. Kylo Ren

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Finally, Kylo Ren gets to establish himself once and or all as a true successor to Vader in ways other characters don’t get to do. This movie truly portrays him as a cunning individual, and Adam Driver’s performance at times reminds me of Anton Chigurh in No Country for Old Men. Good on ya, Driver!

4. Thor

Thor: Ragnarok

Incredible. A feat I thought impossible has been accomplished: I actually liked and gave a shit about Thor, a character who has been the weak link in the MCU for a long time. A new haircut, a new set of powers, and a new look really help make Thor into a character worthy of being an Avenger. His great chemistry with Hulk/Banner, as well as Valkyrie and his brother Loki, really helps, as does his cheerfully arrogant nature. I still can’t believe I care about Thor.

3. Luke Skywalker

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

This ain’t your dad’s Luke Skywalker! This Luke is jaded, bitter, and hilariously cranky towards Rey, due to a moment of that trademark Skywalker impulsiveness leading to some truly harsh consequences. This is easily Mark Hamill’s strongest performance as Luke, truly giving it all even if at the time of filming he wasn’t too keen on the direction Luke took – though of course he came around, how could you not with a performance this good?

2. Merlin

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Merlin was a bit of a bit player in the first movie, but here he gets to come front and center for quite a good chunk of the film, though this is mostly due to everyone else in Kingsman dying due to the actions of the villains. Mark Strong’s performance here is one of the strongest performances in the series so far, and he really makes Merlin into a fun, engaging character. He even gets to sing!

1. Yondu

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Much like Merlin, Yondu was a bit player in the first movie, acting as a minor antagonistic force and getting a pretty badass scene where he singlehandedly annihilates Ronan’s soldiers. This time, every good quality about Yondu is cranked up to eleven. His character as seen in the first film is truly explored, his reasons for taking Quill are expanded upon, and that scene of him kicking ass from the first film is absolutely NOTHING compared to what he does to Taserface and the mutinous Ravagers. Come a little bit closer indeed! And I’d be remiss to not mention his incredibly memetic line “I’M MARY POPPINS, Y’ALL!” But that aside, Yondu gets a lot of excellent lines in this film, and he really helps hammer home this movie’s message about family in one line he gives Peter when he saves him from Ego:  “He may’ve been your father, boy, but he wasn’t your daddy.” Yondu went from being a cool and interesting character in the first film to, well… my favorite character ever here. He’s that damn good. Talk about improvement.

THE 10 WORST CHARACTERS

Not all characters are good, unfortunately. Here are the ten characters this year who did nothing but grate my nerves and bring down their movies with their mere presence:

10. The Storm King

My Little Pony: The Movie

What a waste of Liev Schreiber’s talent this guy turned out to be. Sure he was funny, and sure he wasn’t the worst thing EVER, but he was really a letdown in terms of a villain, and this is a series that gave us great villains even when they were firmly grasping the Villain Ball (Discord, Chrysalis, Tirek). He comes off as even less impressive because he’s in the same movie as a really great villain: Tempest Shadow. The Storm King just ends up being a pretty weak generic doomsday villain who happens to have some good voice acting and animation behind him.

9. Rose Tico

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Jar Jar, meet your new wife! Rose is one of the most unnecessary additions in the entire Star Wars series, or if she is necessary, they sure bungled her to the point she feels less like a character that belongs and more like some fanfic writer’s OC created specifically to get on Finn’s dick. Her moments in the latter half of the casino subplot are really what drag it down, and she utters what may be the most cringeworthy, narmy line in the entirety of the history of the franchise: “We’re going to win this war not by fighting what we hate, but saving what we love.” Not even Anakin’s sand line is this cloying and obnoxious.

8. Nick Morton

The Mummy

What is the movie called again? Is it called “The Nick?” “The Tom Cruise?” No, it’s called The Mummy, and the best character is Ahmanet, the titular mummy. But her screentime got shafted quite a bit for this generic, boring Tom Cruise performance. It doesn’t help that Nick is a bit of an arrogant tool. Cruise proved he could be likable and charming as an amoral scumbag later this same year in American Made, so I have no idea what he was thinking here.

7. Ares

Wonder Woman

David Thewlis is a great actor, but not even he can make a Surprise Twist Hidden Villain character work. Disney has done this to death, so you’d expect this to pop up in the MCU or something, but nope! DCEU pulls Ares out their ass for the finale, and it was the guy who was in a couple of scenes helping the heroes out earlier. So now Ares, who is the god of war, is a skinny British dude with a big, honking mustache covered in really lame CGI armor, and it makes the final battle sequence a lot funnier than the epic finale of an epic superhero movie should be.

6. The Wardrobe

Beauty and the Beast

This movie’s living furniture are already really weird, overdesigned, and uncanny, but then we get the Wardrobe, which had a very nice, pleasant design in the original movie. Not so here, where her new face is a flapping curtain and she hollers like an opera singer all the time. She’s annoying and hard to look at; not a good combo.

5. Victor

Leap!

One of the main characters of Leap!, Victor is obnoxious, unfunny, and kinda creepy and possessive of Felicie. He’s easily the absolute worst character in the movie, and worse, the only character I can’t see being better in the original French version.

4. Hi-5

The Emoji Movie

Hi-5 is the epitome of every annoying comic relief character ever seen in cinematic history. He’s the archetype distilled to the barebone essentials for the character and slapped on the screen. There’s not even much to say; just imagine the most obnoxious comic relief ever, but remove any saving graces and make him ten times the hindrance to the plot. There you go. Hi-5.

3. MJ

Spider-Man: Homecoming

After all the bullshit rumors before the movie came out and the “Is she or isn’t she?” routine, finally the movie comes out, and Zendaya’s character is not Mary Jane! She’s just… MJ. It’s such a fucking stupid reveal for a spectacularly stupid and pointless character, it feels so tacked on and pointless. It’s almost as dumb as the photographer who gets killed in the beginning of BVS being Jimmy Olsen is, it’s just slapping an iconic name on a shitty, underused, unrelated character just for that fan recognition. Hopefully we get a real Mary Jane Watson in the MCU eventually, but until then, we’re stuck with this snooty, condescending bitch.

2. Jailbreak

The Emoji Movie

The Emoji Movie managed to boil so many characters down to their bare essentials that it’s impressive they managed to get even worse than that by boiling a character down to her gender. Jailbreak is a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man. That’s her whole character. Her character is just “Tomboy stereotype that finds happiness by embracing her true self as a feminine stereotype.” Nothing about her character, from her derivative, weird, jarring design to her hamfisted spouting of feminist rhetoric, do her character any favors and only serve to make the movie even more insufferable.

1. Belle

Beauty and the Beast

Belle is one of Disney’s best princesses, a smart, headstrong woman who doesn’t take shit from the curmudgeonly Beast. This Belle played by Emma Watson… is none of those things. She’s a hollow, empty caricature of the character I grew up loving, a weak pantomime of a beloved, strong character from Disney’s past. If there is anything that makes this live-action travesty even worse than it already was, it’s Watson’s undercooked performance. Belle is not supposed to be a less engaging character than Lefou.

TOP 10 MOVIES I WISH I SAW THIS YEAR

Look, I’m not rich, I’m not drowning in free time… I just can’t feasibly see everything. Here are the ten films I WISH I got a chance to check out before the year ended. No explanations, just a quick rundown:

10. Jesus, Bro!

9. A Monster Calls

8. Kong: Skull Island

7. Split

6. Atomic Blonde

5. Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

4. Gerald’s Game

3. Justice League

2. Coco

1. The Shape of Water

TOP 10 MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIES OF NEXT YEAR

Hell yeah I’m hyped for next year! There’s a lot of great-looking films coming out next year… but which ones am I looking forward to the most? Here’s the top ten I’m excited to see:

10. Ready Player One

You’d think people would trust a tried and true master like Spielberg to distill what was good about the original book (and despite what the annoying twats on the internet might tell you, there’s a lot; you see, I actually read the book) into a great film. From the trailer alone it’s evident a lot of stuff is changed, so I’m interested to see how Spielberg does. As long as they keep in Rush as a major plot point, it’s all good.

9. Pacific Rim: Uprising

FUCK YEAH GIANT ROBOTS! WOO!

8. Ant-Man and the Wasp

Ant-Man is one of Marvel’s weirdest, yet best films. Now that we’re getting Wasp added into the mix, not to mention Michelle Pfeiffer is joining the MCU, I’m excited to see where they take Ant-Man in this movie.

7. The Predator

I am fucking THERE for more Predator movies. The Predator films are some of my favorite sci-fi action films (okay, I haven’t seen Predators, but the first two movies are great), so seeing a new one come out is exciting… let’s just hope there’s more practical effects than CGI.

6. Bohemian Rhapsody

How on Earth could I NOT be excited for a movie about one of my favorite musicians and bands? What I want to know is, why the Hell did it take so long to make a movie about Queen? This seems like a no-brainer.

5. Aquaman

Considering Aquaman is finally cool again and plaid by certified hunk Jason Momoa, I am totally here for this movie… not happy I have to stomach seeing that fucking nasty bitch Amber Heard, though. Oh how I must suffer to see superhero action.

4. Black Panther

Considering how he stole Cap’s third and final outing right out from under his nose, I’m excited to see how T’challa holds on his own. It’s also going to be nice to see Andy Serkis playing a villain who hopefully won’t be totally shafted for screentime and end up wasted in the end. COUGH.

3. The Incredibles 2

Honestly, if you’re not excited to see this, I really have to question your priorities. This is the first Pixar movie in years I actually genuinely want to see.

2. Untitled Deadpool Sequel

Considering how great the first film was, this film with its goofy marketing and teasers, cheeky title, and addition of Josh Brolin to the cast has easily won me over. I have faith this will be just as good if not better than the original, especially if it ends up somehow tying in to the MCU, what with Disney devouring Fox.

1. Avengers: Infinity War

Of course this is my #1.

10 WORST POP CULTURE MOMENTS OF 2017

And now we have the absolute worst bits and pieces of film and pop culture this year! We had some… really, truly awful moments. Let’s hope next year we can try and do better, because god, some of this shit is just disheartening…

10. The half of The Mummy not focusing on Ahmanet

Okay, so The Mummy was no necessarily a bad movie… when it focused on Ahmanet. She’s easily one of the coolest and most fascinating fantasy villains in recent memory, and yet, the movie seems to think we care more about Tom Cruise and his antics than the thing the movie is actually named after. I hate drawing comparisons to the Brendan Fraser series as the two are so tonally different it’s stupid to compare them, but at least those movies gave the titular mummy an equal chunk of screentime alongside the protagonists. Hopefully Ahmanet fares better when she inevitably returns.

9. Johnny Depp

It’s hard to deny what a shit year Johnny Depp has had. His messy divorce lead to his awful performance in the latest bloated mess of a Pirates film, and then he spent the rest of the year having every bit of acting he was announced to do being belittled and mocked. Of particular note is Grindelwald, who J.K. Rowling had to come to defense to because people are still backlashing against Depp over the bullshit abuse allegations that have been pretty safely shown to be false. I guess Hollywood will never have a shortage of Fatty Arbuckle stories.

8. Smurfs: The Lost Village

People were so busy ranting over The Emoji Movie that they ignored what is undoubtedly the worst animated film of the year. Gorgeous animation aside – which, really, is what is the born for every theatrically released movie these days so it’s hard to count this as a plus – we have a dull, standard story, average to okay voice acting, a surprising amount of sitcom-esque sexism, and most egregiously, absolutely no Smurfing at all. I’m not kidding. In this, a Smurf movie, there is not a single example of Smurfing. Smurfing is, of course, the trademark smurfing style of the Smurfs; it’s when they smurf the word “Smurf” into the sentence in place of another smurf. See what I mean? There is NONE of this in the movie. What a load of smurfing bullshit.

7. Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time

A bunch of rehashed songs

Barely anything changed

Servants overdesigned and strange

And Gaston’s played all wrong

Awful performances make this film

On arrival quite deceased

A tale as old as time

A remake that’s a crime

Beauty and the Beast

6. Those we lost…

We lost a lot of talent in the world this year. Tom Petty, Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington, Adam West, June Foray, J. Geils, Malcolm Young, Fats Domino, Hugh Hefner, Jerry Lewis, Martin Landau, Peter Sallis, Heather North, and so many more people who helped shape and define pop culture and change the world with their work. Tom Petty and Adam West hit me the hardest; I’m sure some of you were hit hard by one of these losses too.

A moment of silence for all of these great men and woman who have left us.

5. The first half of Rick & Morty season 3 (and the last few minutes of the finale)

Rick & Morty is usually a great show. Seasons 1 and 2 were fantastic, and the opening episode of season 3 was hilarious and awesome… and then quality took a nosedive with a bland Mad Max parody, an overly gory forced meme episode featuring Pickle Rick, and then the absolute shitfest that was the Vindicators episode, a mean-spirited potshot at superhero films that featured the worst writing the show has ever seen. Bu hey, after that, the season started looking up! We got a good Jerry episode, Evil Morty returning (in the best episode of the show), and some really great and funny moments. And the last episode was pretty great and funny too, but then… it came to an end with a rushed resolution of the season’s plotline. The whole season feels like a letdown becaue of this, and it’s a damn shame, because some of the best episodes yet came out of it… it was just bogged down by some truly awful ones and really poor writing.

4. Salty Star Wars fans

Star Wars ‘fans’ (I hesitate to even call them fans, since at this point they hate more Star Wars media than they like. They’re not Star Wars fans, they’re original trilogy fans) have always shown themselves to be one of the most cancerous nerd fandoms ever. With the release of the latest film, they’ve taken this to absurd levels, to the point where they have gotten a petition to have the new films stricken from canon. This is a new level of pathetic pettiness; just ignore the movies and go back to jacking off over your crappy EU novels, you fucking dorks.

3.  Pennywise getting repurposed as a gay icon

Apparently, the face of the LGBT community should be a predatory clown that devours children and has very pedophilic vibes to how he lures them in to be devoured. This is the kind of image the LGBT community has been pushing very hard to rid itself of for decades, so obviously making Pennywise the Dancing Clown as the new gay horror icon in a forced attempt at repeating the Babadook’s joking LGBT icon status is a great move! It’s really not. This is some of the cringiest shit the internet has ever done, and only showcases how tone deaf fandoms can be.

2. The reaction to The Emoji Movie

The Emoji Movie is not a good film. At best, it’s “so bad it’s good” or even “okay” if you’re feeling charitable. But that’s not what seemingly every reviewer or comment section on the internet would tell you! Apparently this film is the animated apocalypse, and is the end of cinema and the most horrifyingly awful film ever made! EVERY big reviewer got in on this hyperbolic bullshit. This movie is JUST a bad film, it is NOT the end of all cinema, it is NOT some sort of sign of the death of creativity in the world… hell, it’s hard to even CALL it a film, it’s more like a really shitty, overly-long advert. Usually people overreact to good movies. This is the first time I’ve ever seen people overreact to a shitty one.

1. All the sexual harassment in Hollywood

Oooooh boy. Harvey Weinstein being revealed to be a massive, disgusting pervert was bad enough, but then beloved actor Kevin Spacey, beloved Pixar mastermind John Lasseter, bitter comedian Louis C.K., and even GEORGE TAKEI being accused of past sexual misconduct? And while some of these accusations sound like absolute bullshit (the story against Takei is really fucking fishy), Kevin “I choose to live as a gay man” Spacey and John Lasseter’s are sadly likely, and C.K. actually came out and gave an apology for doing shit. I guess it’s good to see that this shit won’t fly anymore, but knowing how awful these formerly admirable men have treated men and women working for them is just disgusting. And let’s not even get into the numerous accusations leveled against the president… that’s something else entirely. At least from all of THIS bad, something good can actually come out of it.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

Did you all actually think I was going to end things off on such a dour note? Nahhhhh. Let me tell you about some other great things this year, at least things I’ve personally been able to witness:

Bayonetta 3 was announced, baby! Get right on aboard that hype train!

Pokemon’s latest game, while a mixed bag in terms of the redone story, has one of the most epic postgame adventures I’ve ever seen. Fighting every single villain in the franchise really makes this feel like the grand finale of the series’ time on wholly handheld consoles that it is. Also, Blachephalon is amazing, and Light That Burns The Sky is the greatest attack in the history of the franchise.

Doki Doki Literature Club came out, and while it’s not a game I’d exactly play again, it is a pretty interesting (and free!) indie game. It has an excellent cast of characters; I see a lot of myself in Sayori.

Ducktales got one of the raddest reboots I’ve ever seen. That pilot was fuckin’ beautiful.

Charles Manson is now where he belongs: EATING DEMON DICK IN HELL.

Filthy Frank released the dankest album of the year, Pink Season. Give it a listen here:

The greatest song ever created by manking was released: 

Let me be frank though, the entirety of Mouth Moods is a modern masterpiece. The outtakes are masterpieces too… particularly this one. And this one. AND this one.

QotSA released a fucking awesome album, containing fucking awesome songs like this one:

The funkiest summertime jam ever was released:

As for me personally, well, my fiancee @lilmissrantsypants and I finally moved into our own apartment, and things are really looking up for us. Our 2018 is looking to be brighter than ever; I hope all of yours is just as bright!

Alright, one more masterpiece before I go, the Song/Music Video of the Century:

[second-tolast-blog]

My Favorite Movies of 2016 in Nine Digestible Categories

Every year it is the same story. As the year happens, people bemoan the state of movies. Then by the end of the year, and people compile their end of the year lists, we realize that movies are not a dying medium, slowly being replaced by television. Studios just succumb to the antiquated model of old release patterns. Movies vying for Oscars has to come out late in the year for momentum and blockbusters must be released in the dead heat of the summer. Both “20th Century Women” and “Why Him?” were close to sell outs last weekend as I attended my local multiplex. “Lion,” although only playing in two theaters in New York, sold out a 560-seat theater and its highest billed actor was Dev Patel.

Sure, those films were helped by the holiday bump and limited releases, causing the demand to look greater due to the lack of supply, but people are still going to the movies. And if not, the means of production has allowed for filmmakers to make $20 million indies with sources of output like Amazon Prime and Netflix along with the traditional studios to distribute to a wider net of audiences. With emerging voices like Barry Jenkins and Damien Chazelle and returning veterans and legends like Jarmusch and Scorsese releasing films this year, it is hard to begin eulogizing cinema.

So, it is my job to highlight 20 of my favorite films of the year. And to not succumb to the usual listicle, this list will be broken down to ten categories because all these films deserve to be watched.

Best Movies of the Year where Mahershala Ali Plays an Untraditional Father Figure for about 10 minutes of the movie

Moonlight, Kicks

Thank god for “Moonlight,” a film that has been written about so much that I do not know what I can bring to the conversation at this point. Without it, people may be left to try to salvage Nate Parker’s ill-begotten “Birth of a Nation,” as the obligatory black film of the year that it was positioned as at Sundance back in January of last year. But, “Moonlight” should not be considered a token of a film. Its rise to the top through think pieces and word-of-mouth speaks to how it was able to naturally build its base of spectators. “Birth of a Nation,” on the other hand, struggled to connect partially due to its controversy but also to its haphazard “Braveheart” style hero narrative and questionable use of victimhood especially that of rape. “Moonlight” is cinema at its best. It is a passport to a world, a mindset, an experience that is not readily available. It is empathy.

While “Moonlight” has dominated the conversation, Justin Tipping’s “Kicks” has been barely touched upon. It has been spoken so little of that since I saw it I have questioned my love of this small film. Tipping riffs on “Bicycle Thieves,” in which an African American teen, Brandon, gets his brand-new sneakers stolen in a city right on the outskirts of Oakland. This allows for Tipping to breeze through the neighborhood as Brandon and his two buddies searches for the men who stole his shoes. It’s a small film that screams that this is a first feature, but the style is so assured. Tipping is not afraid to take risks, allowing for flourishes of style and metaphors (there is a motif of an astronaut that aggressively highlights Brandon’s alienation for the things around him) that many more conservative filmmakers would not bother to entertain. Like “Bicycle Thieves” the plot is simply an excuse to explore a post-world II Italy, the plot here is an excuse for Tipping to explore the neighborhoods that has been forgotten about in film since the early 90’s. These characters are so richly drawn beyond what could easily be caricatures. If “Boyz in the Hood” gave a glimpse to life in “the hood,” “Kicks” is a portraiture. Also, best Mahershala Ali performance this year.

Best Movies of the Year where the Central Theme is that Grief is a Motherfucker

Manchester by the Sea, Jackie

There are horror movies which relies on jump scares. Like a roller coaster these momentary jumps are fun but ultimately has no lingering effects except for a scratchy throat. That is exactly the same way I feel about tearjerkers. Movies like “Lion” or “Beaches” live on sentimentality and tears. Like a superficial thrill ride, these films have a purpose and place. But, then there is a film like “Manchester by the Sea.” The film is filled with little moments that prove that Kenneth Lonergan is one of the great humane dramatist working today. Sadness and grief seeps into you like water slowly draining into the ground. But, what is so illuminating about the film is how the film portrays people dealing with grief; with anger, ambivalence. These characters are simply living. I have a friend, unfamiliar with Lonergan’s works and what struck as well was how funny the film was. That’s because even when our closest love ones are gone that does not mean that life stops going.

What happens, though, if someone’s life is defined by a person who dies? Pablo Larrain is one of the most exciting filmmakers working today. In “Jackie,” he takes what could have been a maudlin drama and with an incredible score by Mica Levi, creates a horror film. The monster for Jackie Kennedy is the weight of legacy, purpose and the American ideal. Is this what the real Jackie Kennedy went through in the immediate aftermath of JFK’s assassination? Probably not. But, what historical fiction does is to draw a parallel with these pristine historical figures with everyday living. What struck me most with “Jackie” was the amount of decisions that had to be made immediately after the tragedy. The same with “Manchester.” Jackie Kennedy mourns while also keeping up appearances in a role that has been bestowed upon her. She is the first lady of America, after all. She can’t be seen too sad, angry, or drunk. The real-life piece that is written about her weeks after JFK’s funeral which is fictionalized here as a framing device, was instrumental in sculpting that image. It sculpted a Camelot.

The Best Movies of the Year Where Coming-of-age is Manifested as a Monster

Closet Monster, The Fits

Not enough movies talk about how scary it is to become an adult. I’m in my early twenties, on the precipice of doing adult things like getting a full-time career and job and I still go to sleep at night in the fetal position. So, it is no wonder that puberty, adulthood and burgeoning sexuality has been portrayed in films as some sort of monstrosity. “Closet Monster,” a small Canadian film that I do not know anyone who saw, creates a monster in a teenager who is discovering his sexuality for the first time as he goes off to college. But, the complexity of this film from first time director, Stephen Dunn, comes from the fact that he is not defined by his burgeoning sexuality. Rather, this stress is compounded by the facts of adolescence. Pressure come from his single-parent father, whose self-destruction comes from the loosening of his grasp of his child, his artistic ambitions while confined in a small Canadian suburb, and the trauma from the abandonment of his mother. The monster in the on-the-nose title is not just one of repressed sexuality, but rather repression in all fronts. It’s no wonder that the violent act that occurs in this film is not because of sexuality at all.

The monster in “The Fits,” another small film by a first-time filmmaker, Anna Rose Holmer, also rides the line of imagined or real. Her characters are on the precipice of teen-hood. This is the time when divisional lines are truly cemented, especially gender norms. Her protagonist starts off in a boxing gym, filled with males but is drawn across the hall to an all-female dance troupe. Insecurities are never immediately present especially from those who are feeling it. It usually comes with a look. Especially for a teenager, there is no greater currency than a sense of belonging. “The Fits’s” ability to hone in on that central need in a way that is not pedantic really creates a powerful image. The final shot of bliss as Royalty Hightower finally embraces the monster that would make her belong is one of the great cinematic images of 2016.

The Best Horror Movies Where the Little Girl is the Most Terrifying Things about It

The Wailing, The Eyes of My Mother

To be fair, little girls are terrifying. It probably has something to do with the corrupting of something innocent that gets into the crawl of everyone’s skin. “The Wailing” is a Korean epic of a possession movie. And like the best Korean films, there is fluidity with genre in this film. The film readily goes from horror to police procedural mystery to comedy. Horror films are best when it comes from an assured hand and Na Hong-Jin is certainly assured in his skill and style. He slowly paces out the film with mood, atmosphere and uncertainty. At 2 ½ hours, each layer is lovingly paced. Not all the best movies have something to say in the undercurrent of the film. Some can just be plain scary and fun.

From the epic nature of “The Wailing,” comes the efficiency of “The Eyes of My Mother.” Nicolas Pesce’s first feature runs at a little under an hour and 20 minutes, and will undoubtedly become a cult film in which high schoolers show their friends to revel in how fucked up it is. Once again, this film thrives on the assured hand of Pesce’s direction. The black and white photography, the loving reconstruction of a minimalist household and the combination of aspects of image, costuming and setting creates a total cinematic experience. This film is informed by many in the past. The black and white images is reminiscent of early David Lynch and the economy of violence reminds me of the European art-house horror from Bunuel to Franju. Eyes plays a big role in horror films. It is scary to not be able to see and sight is connected to something so fragile and disposable. The camera is our eyes to this particular world. And the film works with the whole image. In one scene, we saw our hero/monster washing dishes and it is what we see through the window that is grotesque and haunting. These are images, that will not escape anybody who will eventually discover this film.

The Best Movies Where the Traditional Notions of How We Fall in Love is Questioned

The Lobster, The Love Witch

Love is overrated. Well, the way most people think about love is overrated. “The Lobster,” from Greek satirist Yorgos Lathimos, skewers our societal pressure on people to find a partner. The film’s dystopic setting strips away all that feels human so that all that is left is a kaleidoscope view of human interactions. Here, people decide that they are perfect for each other because of the most artificial of reason; short-sightedness, nose bleeds and beautiful hair. Everything is played pitched perfectly to dry deliveries anchored by Colin Ferrell at his best. Oh, and if I was had to be turned into an animal I would be a turtle. They have a portable shelter and could be proficient on both land and water.

I took a B-movie class at SUNY (Inset NY state city here) and the films we saw was a mish mash of exploitation with some rising to the top with subtle feminist’s ideology. But, for most of them, they are pure sexploitation of the woman’s body. Anne Biller lovingly recreates this subgenre of 60’s sexploitation film to create the defining feminist statement of the year. Everything is so acutely detailed that you might get distracted by the immersion into the world. The colors are in technicolor splendor, the clothes are beautifully retro and the acting is purposefully stilted that requires levels of acting that Brad Pitt will never reach. Yet, underlying all this is a story of a woman, a witch, who because of societal pressures keeps changing to what a man wants. She is the fantasy of every man but no man ever becomes the subject of her fantasy. In a genre that is often defined by superficial satisfactions of the id, Biller is able to create a nuanced film while not only embracing all the idiosyncrasies of a form from a bygone age, but by upending them.

Movies that follows the day in the life of its protagonists that eventually leads to drunken screaming and crying

Blue Jay, Krisha

The way people get excited about Marvel Movies is the way I get excited by the latest Mark Duplass joint. His latest film is a micro-budget film with Sarah Paulson that follows the familiar trope of two people walking and talking for a day that had been perfected by Linklater in the “Before Trilogy.” But, what it does with that trope is create an intimate film about lost love that becomes unpredictable. You question why are two central characters are doing what they are doing until the end makes it crystal clear. “Blue Jay” deserves to be watched twice just for the nuances that Paulson is able to portray that will not be clear the first time through. As if anyone needs any reminder that Sarah Paulson was a great actress.

In another micro-budget indie, Trey Edward Shults’ first feature does not even have any actors of note in it. In fact, everyone in the film is played by members of his own family about a story that is based on events from his life.  “Krisha” is truly a family affair. Everyone knows the anxiety of coming back home for a big family dinner. Here, Shults films it as if it was a sweeping epic film. The way Terrence Malick films the fields in “Days of Heaven,” is how Shults moves his camera through the big open house as Krisha comes back home after stints in rehab. To call Krisha self-destructive will be an understatement. Here Stults captures moments of family that feels too close to home. With specificity comes relatability; Krisha prepares herself before she goes into the house, children running around with no care for the adult conversations, courtesy small talks with family members who no one cares for. In the end, it is the conflict of hope and shame family has for Krisha that makes the film unforgettable.

Movies in which Adam Driver plays a character who is unsure of himself

Silence, Paterson

Quentin Tarantino has always said that he was afraid about the complacency old age might bring him with his directing. Well, Martin Scorsese has not grown complacent. With “Silence,” Scorsese proves to be as vibrant, self-reflexive and edgy as he was in the 70’s. This film will be the definitive mark of his greatness. “Silence,” is the nearly three-hour epic about Jesuit priests facing persecution for their faith in Japan. The film becomes a meditation of faith in all kinds of obstacles. And as an early-twenties American living in the 21st century with no religion to call my own, I identified with the plight of the people longing for Catholicism and the priests that bring them. Scorsese creates a total cinema that is more sensory than any artificial 4D can create. The theater melts away and you become immersed in 17th century Japan. The first two hours are physically brutal but the genius is with the emotionally brutal last hour when the form of storytelling changes, ending in a beautiful final shot.

Best dog of the year goes to the now departed Marvin, whose presence in “Paterson” puts him in the pantheon of great dogs in cinema alongside Toto and Uggie from “The Artist.” I don’t know how to explain this film to people except to say that it is the exactly what you expect from Jim Jarmusch. He has not made a film like this in a while; a poetic meditation of a bus driver in Paterson, New Jersey. Much of this film was influenced by the poetry of William Carlos Williams and the film moves like a poem. There is a structure but not a traditional story structure. The film ambles along like a NJ Transit bus and characters move in and out. Adam Driver as Paterson warns at one point, before he reads his poems, that it does not rhyme. I feel like I have to preface this film the same way. But, I like my films like that. Jarmusch instead populates the film with colorful characters, including a couple that cyclically fights and breaks up and a gang in a convertible warning about dog-jackers.

Documentaries that subvert the form

Kate Plays Christine, Cameraperson

I love meta explorations into the form of films and why we watch them. So, to see Robert Greene continue to question why people watch film while also making his audiences question what is real brings me pure bliss. Here, Greene follows actress Kate Lyn Sheil as she prepares to play Christine Chubbuck, a real-life reporter who committed suicide on live television in the 70’s. There is no role for Sheil, just the process. But, through the process in which we see her try to get into the head of a person who suffered through manic depression, Greene and Sheil begin to question our obsession with these figures. Chubbuck fought against the increasing exploitation of violence on the news and her senseless violence has since made her into a cult figure that has seen people desperately searching for the video of her death like it is the holy grail. It’s unclear what parts of “Kate Plays Christine” is real but the questions certainly are.

What we learn from that film and “Cameraperson” is the camera is inherently subjective. We see what the camera person wants us to see. And we know based on what images are put together and what sequence they come in. Kristen Johnson has been a longtime cinematographer for some of the greatest documentarians from Michael Moore to Laura Poitras. Through those films, she has saved plenty of footage and compiled a film that is a diary of sorts. Through the montage of out of context footage, we get a story of who Johnson is, despite the fact that we barely see Johnson. The only times we do is when she shows footage of her mom and she documents her struggles through Alzheimer’s. It is an amazing way of presenting self and highlighting the power of the form. Also, it is strangely satisfying to see the philosopher, Derrida, casually crossing a street in Manhattan.

Movies in which little trinkets given to the main character serves as important character development

Kubo and the Two Strings, American Honey

Laika takes a Studio Ghibli approach to filmmaking. Their films take time and persistence to make, not just because of their intricate animation style but because so much attention is put to little humane moments. Animation has the distinct advantage of being able to do the impossible, but the best of animation comes when the human moments are recreated amongst the impossible. “Kubo” is Laika’s crowning achievement in their young history and it is a shame that more people did not see it. It’s an exploration of grief and how people deal with it but it never stops being a children’s film. It achieves the sublime beauty of storytelling and art. This the type of movie that kids will be drawn to because of its beauty and action and watch again to realize the complexity of emotions it is tackling with. Here as an unnecessary dig, “Kubo and the Two Strings” does more for the genre of animation than all of Illumination films combine.

Rhianna is the soundtrack of youth. Last year the French film, “Girlhood” had the best use of “Diamonds” is a film when four young French girls lip-sync to it bathed in neon lights. Now, a bunch of runaways in Andrea Arnold’s “American Honey” does the same to “We Found Love” in a Midwestern grocery store. Rhianna is freedom. And “American Honey” is the truth. A somewhat divisive film, the film follows a magazine crew, a mish mash of reckless youths selling overpriced magazine subscriptions. Our protagonist is Star, played by a future star in Sasha Lane, as she decides to leave her constrained life to freedom with this band of merry people led by Riley Keough and Shia LaBeouf.  The film wanders along with this crew who has no destination. Rather, the destination is a journey for Star as she achieves self-actualization through wandering across the American landscape. This is a life unknown to me, a pleasure to be in, and an aftertaste sweet as Tennessee honey.  

[fortey]

Traumatized by Horror

Maybe this will be fun for someone.  This is my draft of an article I wrote recently.  This is pre-editing, as I submitted it.  You can find the published version right here.  Just an interesting contrast between what I write and what gets published.  Sometimes you get edited a lot, sometimes you get edited a little.  But if you’re interested in the creative process at all and how publishing works sometimes, it’s a nice comparison.  

There’s probably all kinds of psychology behind why people enjoy watching horror movies that range from things like the adrenaline rush you get from being scared to the fact that the Leprechaun is clearly awesome.  That’s all fine and dandy like sour candy except for when horror goes a little beyond the usual thrill and maybe wonks your brain six ways from Sunday. Because those kind of shenanigans actually happen now and then - sometimes people get so traumatized by horror they have to get medical professionals involved.

127 Hours Grossed Out Audiences En Masse

Some might argue that 127 Hours isn’t a horror movie at all, but it does star James Franco and you can’t spell “James Franco is terrifying” without James Franco, so let’s not speak of it again.  In the movie 127 Hours, there’s an extremely disturbing scene in which Franco, realizing Seth Rogen is nowhere to be seen, has to take matters into his own hands and save himself by performing an impromptu field amputation of his own arm with a Swiss Army knife.  This scene was at least as disturbing as Franco’s entire performance in Why Him?

The cutting scene lasts for about 3 minutes but it’s a bloody, intense, Francoscream-filled endurance test for the audience and some audience members were not able to withstand it. In fact, there’s a remarkable list of audiences who suffered a number of side effects which in some cases may have been hammed up a little since they couldn’t be confirmed, but others were making the whole ordeal sound like 127 Hours was used to punish people Clockwork Orange style.

A reviewer who saw the film at the Toronto International Film Festival mentions 3 people passed out and one had a seizure during the movie and goes out of their way to express they didn’t think it was a PR stunt as some people suggested - the audience was genuinely grossed out by the scene and had maybe never seen movies before.  Weird one to pick for their first try.

History repeated itself when the director of Toy Story 3 had a private screening of the movie and two more people passed out.  Did Buzz and Woody steal their wallets and take compromising photos while they were out?  We can only assume.

The editor of Vanity Fair held a screening with Franco and the director on hand.  People reportedly wept during at that one and, yeah, another dude went face down, ass up over it.

Movieline actually put together an entire timeline of people losing their shit over the movie. Some are given the side-eye treatment, suggesting maybe a few of these were played up to hype the movie given all the other stories of people passing out, but enough of them were legit that it’s safe to assume if you want the family to leave the house quick after Thanksgiving this year while still being able to pretend you weren’t doing it on purpose, this is the movie you want to put on.

Freaks Was Accused of Causing a Miscarriage

Have you ever seen the movie Freaks from 1932? It’s one of the earliest most controversial horror films and is famous for this completely baffling scene;

To this day, I won’t agree to anything during a work meeting without chanting “I accept it! I accept it! Gooble gobble! Gooble gobble!”  That went over like gangbusters when I was asked to start wearing pants again.

Back in 1932, a movie about murderous circus people was pretty cutting edge and, if we’re being honest, it still is.  No one would make this movie today because those actors all were actual circus performers and modern audiences tend to frown on exploiting people by calling them freaks. To fully appreciate just how well this movie went over when it premiered though, you just need to dig into the lore around it.  While it seems to have ruined the career of the director, it had much more harrowing repercussions in the real world where one woman claimed to have had a miscarriage while watching a test screening. She threatened to sue the studio and their response was to recut the movie to make it less horrifying. Try to imagine that working today.

The newer version of the film had fewer murderous scenes and also got rid of a castration because that was a thing that someone thought was necessary to film in the first place.  Word is those scenes are lost for all time, so if you ever wanted to see a circus strongman get his dong cut off, you’re going to have to wait for that episode of Big Bang Theory like the rest of us.

The Exorcist Straight Up Ruined People

If you haven’t seen the Exorcist then your mother and I are extremely disappointed in you.  Please go watch it immediately. It came out in 1973 and it still holds up as an amazing and effective horror movie and the reason so many of us masturbate with crucifixes.  The story and the acting really produce an undeniable sense of dread and terror that forces you to make sure the blanket covers your feet at night because the monsters can’t touch your ankles if they’re covered, and that’s a rule. It also seriously fucked up a whole bunch of people.

Any time a movie causes someone’s heart to malfunction, and not in that “three sizes bigger” Grinch way, it’s pretty noteworthy. A New York Times article from January 1974 recounts people standing in massive lines to get into the theater to see the film, with scalpers selling tickets for upwards of $50 which is ironically what it costs to get a drink, popcorn and a movie ticket for IMAX today.  It also mentions the number of people who vomited while watching the movie, and some who walked out, or fainted.  And then, apparently, several people had heart attacks.

Is it possible the stories of heart attacks is just someone blowing pea soup up our asses? Maybe.  In the pre-internet world all kinds of shit happened without people idly filming it on their phones in the hopes the suffering of a stranger would make them go viral. But the influence of The Exorcist does go beyond the mass pukings and odd heart attack.

If you’ve never heard the term cinematic neurosis then welcome to your crash course.  It’s what a psychologist might call the phenomenon of a patient developing anxiety, dissociation and potentially psychotic symptoms because of a movie, requiring the intervention of a mental health professional to overcome.  There’s a study that mentions a case caused by Jaws, one by Invasion of the Body Snatchers and 5 separate incidents caused by The Exorcist because a pre-teen girl whose head spins is always slightly more disturbing than pod people and Richard Dreyfuss.

Patients affected by The Exorcist suffered insomnia, panic attacks, PTSD and more. One had dreams about the Devil with a dick in his mouth.  And sure, we all have dreams about the Devil or Elmer Fudd or whomever with a dick in their mouth sometimes, but this was to the point that the person needed psychotherapy to deal with it, so you can assume that was a hell of a devil dick.

Dracula and Eyes without a Face Caused Mass Faintings

To the best of my knowledge I have never fainted. Once I drank so much at a party in college that I woke up in the parking lot of a bagel deli next to an exceptionally large pool of drool, but I don’t think that’s the same thing. I can say for certain no horror movie has ever made me faint though, because of my robust constitution.  And maybe that’s a product of the times because back in the day, people were dropping like flies watching movies like Eyes Without a Face and Dracula.  

In 1928, Dracula starring Bela Lugosi was like if Hereditary and The Exorcist humped and had a baby with a remarkably distinct hairline. That shit scared the bejeezus out of people and in 1928, it was very hard to replace bejeezus. The San Francisco Chronicle talked about a nurse on hand with smelling salts to help handle an average of 14 faintings per night.  Now the movie-makers of 1928 weren’t above maybe hiring some people to engage in a little bullshittery to help hype a movie but there’s not any indication that these faintings were not legit either. In fact. Lugosi played Dracula on stage before playing the role on film, and 110 faintings were reported in the first week of the theater production.  His accent was that good.

In 1960, the French film Eyes Without a Face busted out a repeat performance of the Dracula phenomenon by making audience members buckle like belts thanks to one particular scene involving a face transplant which was a little much for 1960s sensibilities. It’s about 6 solid minutes of screentime featuring a doctor just cutting a face off and peeling it away like a goddamn banana.  You’d probably snicker at the effects today but back in 1960 people were all made of cotton candy and golly gosh so this probably hit people like a bag of grapefruits to the groin. Seven audience members fainted during the film’s showing at the Edinburgh Film Festival, and those were Scots, for God’s sake.  They eat haggis on purpose there.  

It’s worth noting that faintings not strictly limited to impressionable audiences of yesteryear, either.  Four audience members fainted during a showing of Lars Von Trier’s Antichrist in 2009, possible because they saw Willem Dafoe’s dong.  In 2016, EMS had to be called to a Toronto showing of Raw when a person fainted, because some people still aren’t down with cannibalism.

Ghostwatch Was the Worst Idea the BBC Ever Had

There’s a good chance you’ve never heard of Ghostwatch as it originally aired on the BBC in 1992 and 1992 British TV was the entertainment equivalent of a bag of scones to the jimmies. All you need to know about the show is that it aired at 9 PM, it featured recognizable TV personalities (if you’re British) and it was filmed like a typical live broadcast investigative TV show.  If you’ve ever watched Live PD, the format would be very familiar - in studio host talking to people out on the scene.  The on-scene hosts were at a particular home alleged to be haunted, investigating the claims and more or less mocking the idea.  Or so it seemed!  

The show was presented as a real documentary like so many current ghost hunting shows are, but this was well before that era.  This was new, and early enough in the evening that families were watching it with the kids.  And remember, it was 1992 in Britain so you probably could either watch this or some guy painting cricket balls on TV that night.

As the show progressed, the tenor went from goofy “this is a bullshit waste of time” to something more menacing.  Calls from viewers, which were actually fake but no one knew that at the time, began to incorporate elements from the “real” haunting that was being presented on the show. People professed to have had similar experiences with a ghost knocking on their pipes and shit started going down on camera until the studio went full apocalyptic ghostsplosion.  One of the hosts gets dragged off and presumably ghost murdered and the studio lights explode as the main host gets possessed on camera and threatens to rain holy hell down on the viewing audience before the how cuts out.  Sounds kind of cool, right?  Well, the 30,000 people who called the BBC within an hour didn’t think so.  And that was the least of their problems.

11 million people watched Ghostwatch and it fucked them up royally.  It went from silly  to disturbing very quickly, however, when an 18-year old boy with some learning difficulties who watched the broadcast committed suicide days later.  His parents said he had been obsessed with the broadcast and believed the same ghost haunted their house.  He left a note saying that if ghosts are real, then he’ll be with them “always as a ghost.”

[ivegotsomethingtosay]

Ghost in the Shell (movie review)

As someone who watches, makes, and frequently talks about movies, it is becoming harder and harder to separate my own views and opinions about the non-cinematic world from films that come into conflict with said views. Quality is no longer a deciding factor in whether or not a film is “good.” Rather quality, or the dozens of different factors that go into determining quality, are intimately intertwined with the context in which a film is made, the socio-political climate, and the topics the film might, even inadvertently, deal with. These contexts, arguably, now have more of a bearing on whether a film is “good” than more traditional elements such as shot composition and visual storytelling.

In some ways, this approach can be great. For example, I’m all about calling out 13 Reasons Why on romanticizing teen suicide, mostly because I think it deepens an already complex discussion that can have very real and tangible consequences if handled poorly. By contrast, if you’re leveling white-washing criticisms against a movie like The Great Wall, a Chinese film with a Chinese director and a primarily Chinese cast, based solely on it’s dumb, euro-centric ad campaign and not by the movie itself, then the discussion in this case isn’t about the movie at all.

However, there are times when a film’s political misgivings are directly intertwined with its actual objective quality. And here we come to Ghost in the Shell, a multi-million dollar sci-fi action vehicle for Scarlett Johansson based off a popular Japanese anime of the same name. Since its announcement, Johansson’s casting was heavily criticized by fans of the series as well as asian Americans who accused the film of white-washing a roll that could have gone to an asian actress (a demographic criminally underrepresented in Hollywood).

It was an interesting discussion, but the core of a decision seemed to be driven more by finances than politics. After all, Scarlett Johansson is one of Hollywood’s big money-making stars, both on a national and global level. In my opinion, anger against the film felt misdirected from a greater issue: that Hollywood is reluctant to make global stars out of people who aren’t white. To accuse a film of anything before actually watching it, I felt, was counterproductive.

And then I watched the movie.

Before I can get into what Ghost in the Shell gets right and wrong about its central casting controversy and how that relates back to the overall quality of the film, let’s talk about the actual film for a second. Ghost takes place several decades into the future, where humanity’s obsession with technology has resulted in something of a cyborg revolution. People of all different social and economic classes have the option to “upgrade” themselves by means of mechanical transplants, robotic arms, synthetic livers. You get the idea. Among them is Mira (Johansson), who’s only remaining human body part is her brain, her “ghost” in a fully synthetic body, or “shell.” This shell just so happens to be designed by a big mysterious corporation, Hanka Robotics, which Mira later discovers is holding some unsavory secrets about her pre-cyborg life.

It should be worth mentioning that none of this is particularly bad. I say that because “bad” seems to be a blanket term we throw over movies that aren’t “good” and to understand what Ghost doesn’t work, we need to make that distinction. See, if everything I just described got fumbled by the film’s directors, producers, and creative teams, it wouldn’t matter as much that the film falls apart once Mira’s actual backstory is revealed, because it would have been clear from the get go that no body had any idea what they were doing.

But they do. Ghost in the Shell is well mounted exercise in almost every sense. The pacing feels right, the shots are (for the most part) well chosen, the design is awesome. It’s all very good, BUT, and this is the important part, it’s not great. Granted, no one was expecting this movie to be great, to be actually groundbreaking, to challenge and subvert its audience’s expectations. This is Hollywood, after all, and while we might get the occasional Fury Road, most of these big budget sci-fi films fall into the Marvel slot of being, beautiful, amusing, well mounted, and good. Just good. And Ghost sits pretty comfortably in that admittedly comfortable space.

That is, until it’s reveal what’s actually going on. As it turns out, Mira isn’t actually Mira; she’s Motoko Kusanagi, a Japanese radical who was kidnapped by the Hanka and transformed into a cyborg against her will.

Holy shit. H o l y s h i t. I don’t know about you, but that’s terrifying. That’s some David Cronenberg body-horror shit. That’s tearing-out-your-finger-nails-because-this-isn’t-my-fucking-body shit. Not only that, but in it lies the potential for a whole movie’s worth of metatextual criticism against the pale-faced Hollywood movie making machine inside a Hollywood movie itself. In there lies the potential to echo the terror and devastation felt by every Asian actor who’s sat and watched themselves literally be transformed into white actors up on screen. H O L Y S H I T.

But this isn’t Under The Skin. This isn’t a Cronenberg movie. This is a “good” Hollywood movie, where actors emote by shedding a single tear and jumping into a training montage to fight the big bad guys. This is the kind of movie that wants to deal with racism, but is too scared to mutter the “r” word least it alienate the super sensitive conservative bunch Paramount seems to think would be seeing an anime movie with a female lead in the first place. Ghost in the Shell has one really, really good idea on it’s mind, but it doesn’t have the guts to do anything with it. And because of that, Mira’s whole back story ends up feeling less like a subversion and more like an excuse. A justification for casting Johansson instead of a clever self-reflection on the decision to case her in the first place.

Void of any of the self-reflection or moral complexity that would have made it a great movie instead of merely a good one, Ghost ends up, and it pains me to say this, kind of bad. Bad in a way where its minor faults are compounded by its cultural deafness. But its badness speaks to a problem that runs rampant throughout most of these kinds of films now-a-days. If you’re going to engage head on with complex, scary, and challenging material like Ghost in the Shell, you need to be willing to make a movie that is complex, scary, and challenging. Perhaps it Ghost were any of those things, it would have actually been good.

OVERALL RATING: 6 / 10 SEE IT OR SKIP IT: Skip it.