#sparkley jewels are like elf crack I guess

[wildspaceyokel]

Wild reads the Silmarillion, Part 1:

Okay, so I’m about 3/4ths through finishing the Silmarillion and so far the dog is the only character I like. I’m definitely enjoying this story but not for the reasons I had expected. All of the characters in it are pretty extra and the plot points are silly. It’s kind of like the animated gods in Disney’s Hercules had a crossover with seasons 5-8 of Game of Thrones.

The Valar? Fancy, powerful elf god-men with pretty elf-goddess wives. Except for that one guy who was too powerful and got himself uninvited from all their parties. His name is Melkor and he likes to let everyone else know how powerful he is. He’s also the most interesting of all these elf gods and seems to have actual personality traits. Go figure 🤷🏼‍♀️

The first elves? Basically really beautiful drama queens who like to make various pretty things. The men elves Do Things while the women elves are pretty and throw away their life energy for men, either having babies or willingly giving their power away to be with mortal men, ick. Example #1 of women giving up their power is Fëanor the Edgelord. This dude is so powerful in part because his mother poured all her life energy into him. So she died and I think Fëanor became like a king or something (sorry, I can only reread these stories so many times and it’s a lot to keep track of)He’s obsessed with some fancy jewels that he makes and fights about it and eventually dies. And in the process a lot of other elves die. It’s basically like World War I when the Archduke was assassinated and now everyone is fighting everyone because of alliances and oaths and honor.

But don’t worry, Fëanor has a bunch of kids who can hold a grudge and this elf civil war is going to be a plot point for ages to come.

And then there’s the story about an immortal elven woman, whose only noteable character traits are “being pretty” and “looking good in blue”, who gives up her immortality for some hairy human dude but he’s too obsessed with his work commitments to be with her properly and take care of her so she has to go and do his job for him. Thankfully her badass hound Huan is able to carry this story through to its sad conclusion. Pretty elf lady is now mortal with her now one-handed human man lover and their dog died. She should have chosen the dog and a life of exploring but whatever, now that she’s gone the world will never know such beauty again 😐🙄

There’s also the story of this human guy who was fostered by the elves and then rage-quits society after what’s essentially middle school level name calling. He joins a gang and does bad stuff, then his longtime childhood friend comes and tries to get him to come home, saying the bullies got in trouble and he can come back, but the human dude has now found his “purpose” being a thug and isn’t going to return home to fancy elf town. The rest of the story is basically a combination of Catcher in the Rye, Oedupus Rex (another female character is introduced, her defining personality traits are amnesia and being pretty), and the parable of the Prodigal Son.

There’s also a really shifty dwarf and a dragon that probably has a PhD in psychological manipulation. There was something about a couple trees and I’m pretty sure the elf water god is ace. Also it’s tough to say whether “then it came to pass” or “get thee gone!” Is the more-used phrase in the book. So far, I would recommend this book for established Tolkien fans who are open to unexpected laughs at the wrong moments.

In summary: 3/4ths through the Silmarillion and Huan is the MVP