#spam was bitter and missed their friendship but to say he wanted to go back to the stressful castle life is hard

[movedtodykedvonte]

Have you got any specific hcs about queen and spamton?

I have a few as someone who is obsessed with the story of the cyber world before we get there in-game.

Most mansion guests are invited by Queen after their success is seen or she becomes interested in them. Spamton was unique in that he actually pitched himself and bigshot autos to her

She was of course intrigued by this overzealous barely 5-foot ad she never ever heard of and was like "LMAO Let's See What You Got."

Queen quickly grew fond of how bumbling but determined Spamton was, kinda like a Cosmo and Wanda-esque relationship (both dummies but in different departments)

Spamton wanted to prove he could sell to anyone even the Queen herself and was shocked she actually let him in. Thought she was gonna be more strict only to see her put on wheelies and fall face first into a plate of spaghetti code.

Immediately knew there was no way to fuck this up and kinda got a crush.

Spamton and Queen weren't a thing in the traditional sense, more so buddies that were odd and didn't question each other's oddness so they got along really well

Like if Spamton asked if a shopping cart could make it across the battery acid pool with them in it Queen wouldn't think twice before ordering a cart and having the Swatchlings set a ramp

Of course, there was a rumor on what they did on private meeting nights or if the gifts they exchanged were because of profits and honor the Queen or y'know...

Drinking buddies, Spamton has a surprising tolerance for his short stature and the Queen loves any excuse to pour a big glass of battery acid.

Spamton let her vent to him. It was rare someone backed up her feelings of not liking her position and Spam of course could understand and console her

Liked to take her on rides in his Cungadero and Queen liked how average it felt like she related to her citizens more. It was a normal night on the town with someone who knew it and truly lived as a cyber citizen. She liked getting stuck in traffic with him or him almost hitting another car. She felt vulnerable and not completely implacable but not unsecured. He liked that he was finally meeting someone's expectations.

I feel like the Queen was aware of him being off as an ad but she enjoys that part of him. Like it makes her feel like she's succeeding as a Queen when even the off-citizens can prosper

Was not aware of the phone and just thought Spamton had a finicky client thought she should've asked more questions when his downfall came

Honestly, he was more like her blorbo than anything else

Like dude could get away with a lot but he never pushed his luck

She was his girl boss slay queen u_u,

If she asked he would make a car model that's whole purpose was just to blow up despite that being awful for profits

When she had to kick him out, she offered a temporary apartment or condition to let him stay if he wanted to be something more mundane. For reasons, he wouldn't explain he declined

She lets Swatch sell the bowties cause she can't seem to justify completely erasing him from the mansion.

She also kept a pipis but you'll be hard-pressed to find where.

Spam doesn't rip the poster by his dumpster completely off cause he considers it the only official picture they had taken together

To be honest I ship and don't ship them. Like they weren't in love but they were two objectively weird people who think alike but have completely different backstories on to why. They could be open and be themselves around each other even if there were things they couldn't share with each other. It was more like those two weirdly intimate friends who everyone thought were a thing only for you to ask and they both fake vomit about it. They still joke about the idea.

[niks-minion]

Bnha 319

It’s been years since I wrote a chapter analysis but this chapter came to my door with “sup bro, the time has come, we’re having some good stuff here” so here we go!

Well, hello, I missed your faces so much, my precious boys!!! Welcome and pls stick around from now on.

Yeah, Baku tear this stupid letter. Bc letters are for losers, we all wait for bkdk 3 face to face!

So the whole class is having a 5 o’clock tea in a calm atmosphere and then boom the top 3 interns team is “well hello fellas, quit this sorry pity party we’re gonna go kick on nerd’s ass”

Iida, the serious guys he is goes “yeah ok, but we kinda need a plan or, you know, at least his location. If you’re saying Deku is with top three, maybe you can provide a bit more data here?” Good point Iida, keep it up.

“So guys how’s you mentors doing? Catching villains, kicking asses?” “Well fuck if we know, but Deku is probably with them” “well maybe you could you know, call them? Message in Line?”

Yeah boy, you’ve seen enough to comprehend the level of selfless recklessness. Was a main star of an action once.

I like how Bakugou is stepping up, ready to be the leader, taking responsibility. And how everyone in class a is ok with that. That guy’ vocabulary didn’t have “a team work” on its pages, and look at him now!

Shouto: my old man hasn’t been spamming my phone. Suspicious!

Ojirou: So the security system was upgraded and oh hey, have you seen AM around? No? Suspicious! 👀

Anyhow, Uraraka is just like “you know when someone is ghosting you, you just pick someone else phone,duh?”

So they’re asking the principal to summon Todoroki-kun. Nezu is ofc on board.

Surprise!!!!

BAKUGOU WEARING A TIE, omg!!!!!!!! That’s the content!💥

Seriously boy, who forced you? Who tied it for you? Who died for this to happen? I have so many questions 👀

My tdbk heart is screaming for this arm touching, thank Hori, I like seeing them being cozy and stuff.

Honestly I don’t get why Enji being an alumni means that he can’t not to show up. What, is it like “we were dealing with your sorry ass you owe this school till the end of times?”

Shouto: sorry guys, I’m gonna go first here, ok? Class 1A: be our guest, buddy.

Shouto “thanks. khm khm. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU, OLD MAN?!!!AM I A JOKE TO YOU?”

You go boy!!

I’m so damn hyped that Shouto let his frustrations out, I missed pissed off Shouto. Because even after having heart to heart he was still left behind for the greater good. Not cool.

Bakugou, the bff he is, patting Todo on the shoulder “ok chill bro, I’ll take it from here, go get a strawberry milk or smth”

There is something really catching in this panel. Bakugou seems more mature, shoulders broader, figure more imposing.

So Kats tells Enji “ok, old man, you wanted to help but as always you screwed shit up. Nothing new here. Now as I have a “Deku 101” manual in my room, I’m telling you, AM plus that nerdy ass is the worst team ever.

Enji is listening, bc ofc why not. He can be a good listener when it’s not his son talking.

Todoroki kun gives his phone with GPS, he’s rich, he can afford it. If Sero didn’t catch it, he’d just throw one more.

Next let’s enjoy some profound friendship stuff. The whole class is ready to go and save their classmate now. Quite an upgrade since Baku kidnapping.

I like Iida. That’s it.

Also I’ve been hoping to see Shouto being disappointed about Mido lying to his face since that moment after jta arc. Pls give my boy a hug. While bkdk 3 is in the air, I want tddk talk to happen too.

Nezu: ok you can take Deku. Nezu a while later: ok actually after giving it some thought bring him back. Slipped from my mind that out security system is actually a thing now.

Permission granted, class 1 a is ready to drag one nerdy ass back.

Baaaaaam

I like the parallel with AM monument. The class is standing right in front of it, declaring “WE ARE HERE”

And now, the fight of the year, Broccoli boy vs Feral gremlin and co. !!!

Bakugou is mocking Deku, calling him out on his bullshit. Nothing new here.

Can I quickly say, how beautiful Kacchan is? Sorry not sorry.

Kudos to the boy, he’s ready to go all the way to bring his frenemy back.

Kudos to Iida for that supporting hand on the back. I anticipate a badass combo attack.

Honestly I was bitter Shouto is not on the last frame but then I gave it some thought and it’s ok. They have a plan and act accordingly. Precious friendo time will come in a bit.

Anyhow, I really enjoyed this chapter. And I’m looking forward to the next one. I have speculations on what’s gonna happen, but I already rumbled about it in my yesterday shit posting. Basically I’m just happy to see class 1A faces. Iida plus some tdbk warmed my heart for the next 7 days. And gifted me tons of new hcs. Thanks sensei.

[noorengels]

reasons i am sad (friendship edition)

in year 4 my best friend invited everyone to her birthday party and not me and they all actually kept it a secret really well they almost pulled it off except she held her party in la plaza which basically is the hangout spot for families in that area i spent all my fridays there playing until midnight bc literally everyone from school would go. so i was walking home with my entire family inc grandparents and uncles and we went through la plaza and there they were! every single one of my friends at her party! apparently her mum didnt let her invite me bc apparently i hit her which i didn’t i hit another girl so her excuse is invalid and its the first time ive been so publicly excluded i cried on a bench.

in year 7 we hated this girl bc she was so fake i genuinely believe she is a psychopath like she has all the symptoms except shes in set 5 maths lol so my friend was like what if i spread a rumour about her and i was like lol do it and she did and for some reason i was blamed??? and lost all of my friends and she bullied me so hard but i didnt realise bc i was “friends” with her bc our mums were friends so shed like walk with me to lessons and talk to me while belittleing me and idk she was just a fucking bitch she made me feel so horrible like it was emotional bullying but also like telling everyone who i liked and saying lmao you literally have no friends “count how many friends you have? omg you literally cant even reach ten can you???” like in front of everyone but then shed also be really nice to me at the same time like idk it was like she was my friend but she bullied me it was so horrible saffa i hate you and the original friend who spread the rumour went on to become her best friend for like 6 years so uh hate that

managed to make friends with people not in my class in year 8! which sucked bc saffa had alienated people in my class so now they all just didnt like me i was the weird girl with no friends because of her and it was so horrible bc id always be forced to join the ready made groups between friends by the teacher  bc i didnt have a group to work with or id get paired with the weird girl like i was only the weird girl after saffa made everyone hate me this girl was weird bc she just is idk 

in year 10 they made a gc without me! i basically created that group tho like i gathered these friends i hade made in different lessons (obviously not in my main class lol) and they literally just??? decided to exclude me for no reason. and then theyd talk about what they talked about in the gc in front of me like “omg remember last night on the gc” isha ur so fucking boring no normal person talks about their gc with the same people again do u have no other conversational points smh

in year 11 it got so bad to the point where once i sat with them and they all just left! like they took their stuff and moved to the table behind me i wanted to cry so bad i did at home i think its the worst one out of all of these because it happened to my face? idk saffa was horrible too but this was just “were leaving” idk like ive never felt as horrible as i did in that moment i cant even describe how im feeling rn reliving it

its okay bc i made friends with my best friend from sciences + history bc our surnames are next to each other so we always sat together! i honestly clung to this girl after that bc i refused to spend a second longer with that other group after 3 years of enduring not even being liked by ur friends so i made friends with her friends which was easy bc yes! 

so by the first term of year 12 i had three friends! in fact one of them was like ur not having a birthday party??? im taking u out to eat so my first birthday event thing in literally years was all thanks to arun i am honestly so grateful for him he didnt even go bc he was busy and we planned it the day before my birthday but it was literally me and two friends eating pizza at zizzis and im crying so much rn but year 12 was when i found people who genuinely cared about me

we established a group of like 8 lol and were planning a holiday for the end of year 13! very skam of us! we had a gc and everything! we were gonna go to spain bc im spanish so i could speak!

this trip was unspoken of in year 13 and i was like lol kinda weird um okay but nope nothing weird about it they just created a chat without me and were still going to spain!!! one of them even sent me screenshots of their airbnb to translate its like u want me to know lol

i did complain to one of them but thats it i was just hurt on my own and coronavirus happened so it got cancelled anyways so i won really

in yr 13 i also got closer to this boy called adam! i remember my friend was like you two would get on so well idk why ur not friends and i was like idk its adam lol do i really want to and yes i did bc he is in fact the isak to my sana! but anyways i hate him but i love him we have that kinda friendship where were alwAYS trying to beat the other one up and honestly the most heart felt goodbye when schools shut was between us both bc at first we were fighting and then he just stopped and his eyes softened and i was like whats wrong with you why arent u punching me and he went come here and we hugged and its like wow despite being a dick ill miss you

anyways so uhhh quarantine we skyped often it was fun and then restrictions were lifted i went to spain and the second i land they all stop talking in the gc????? like im abroad not dead why are u creating a new one??? this gc was agressively spammed so i know for a fact theres another im not stupid

i come back from spain and theyre like can we meet!!! we meet three weeks later and theyr like i missed u so much im so happy uou came i love you and it felt really genuine like they genuinely missed me

two days later i find out through snapchat theyve all gone on holiday together!!!!!!!!!!!!! all of them and just ofc didnt invite me they went to the beach for two days and kept posting about it and im so bitter about it like bro???????? why so secretive????? like i cried so much when i saw bc they still just idk why does every single friendgroup ive ever been in exclude me like i must be the problem theres no other explanation for it i am not the kind of person people want to have around i am so funny but im a bitch and will come for ur ass because i have the inability to lie i have no filter either which i know makes them dislike me i know it does but thats the price you oay for being my friend i just say things as it is becauxe i hate secrets bc secrets are always about excluding me so i rather be honest and upfront but that clearly puts people off bc im too upfront and im not getting a personality transplant im not tryna be boring but im so sick of always being the one on her own

adam was relevant uh hews my only friend rn he checked up on me the other day so cheers adam for making sure im not completely isolated

the funny thing is that all my friends hate adam bc “hes a dick” hes not he just says things how it is were so similar so if they hate adam they hate me and im over being hated lol bye!

i start uni next week and i clearly have no social skills so im not gonna make friends im so scared of being lonely i hate being left out

this went from sad to full on angry like i was crying at some point and now im fuming like im so hot rn my blood pressure isnt doing okay

[marril96]

The Distance Between Us

Chapter 25: Back to School Blues

Pairing: Rowena x reader

Summary: The new semester starts, and new friendships form.

Editor: @miss-moon-guardian

*****

Funny thing about consequences — they tended to bite you in the ass.

Hard.

Rowena wasn't even mad. At least that was the impression you got from the spam of texts and private message boxes on every social media site you'd friended her on.

You ignored them all.

You hadn't talked to her since the morning of January first.

You'd woken up snuggled against her under the covers. What led to that, you didn't know. Everything after the kiss, which was when you'd resumed drinking, was a blank. You were pretty certain you hadn't had sex, but everything else was a mystery. If you'd shared more kisses, they were lost to the hangover.

Rowena claimed you hadn't.

You had taken her word for it.

As if waking up in her arms wasn't enough, her mother had greeted you on your way to the bathroom and had asked you to stay for breakfast.

You had, and afterwards you were gone.

Future you would sort everything out, you'd thought. If you ignored Rowena, the problem would go away until future you was ready to deal with it.

Then days melted away and the first day of school was here, and you realized what an idiot you'd been.

It was easy to not talk to Rowena, to act as if her messages didn't exist, when you didn't have to see her in person. It was easy to hate yourself, to go over the events of the night and beat yourself up. To tell yourself, over and over, that she deserved better than a friend who took advantage of her when she was at her most vulnerable.

Everything was easy when she wasn't standing right in front of you.

Ashamed of your behavior as you were, you knew you couldn't ignore her anymore.

It was time to face the music.

If it were up to you, you would've postponed seeing her. But you couldn't do that to her. You'd hurt her enough as it was.

Rowena didn't have Olivette anymore. Didn't have Olivette's little posse or Lucifer. Didn't have their friends and acquaintances on her side.

You were her friend now. You and Sam and Crowley and the rest of your little group. If any of them had a problem with that, you would deal with it. But you couldn't leave her alone.

Breaking it off with Lucifer and Olivette was hard enough. Having the entire school hear about what she'd gone through, what they'd done to her, probably even harder. There would be leers, and sneers, and rumors.

She couldn't be alone throughout it all.

You wouldn't let her be alone.

She was alone back in Scotland. Had to suffer through bullying and isolation without a single ounce of support.

Never again.

You'd made a promise to be there for her and you intended to keep it.

You waited for her at the gate. Your frozen bones begged you to go inside, but you wanted to walk her in. Wanted to show the sneering popular kids and the rumor-hungry vultures that she had someone on her side.

"Hey," you said as way of greeting, an awkward smile blooming on your mouth. Your heart raced, panicked, anxious, heat rushing into your cheeks.

Rowena blinked. "Oh, so you are talking to me. Could have fooled me."

You deserved that.

"I wasn't—"

"You were."

You definitely were.

"I just…" I just hated myself so much I couldn't bear to talk to you. You would have to explain it. You owed her that much. "Can we talk about it later?"

She narrowed her eyes, suspicious.

She had every right to be.

You hadn't given her much of a choice.

"Fine," she said after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.

You breathed out in relief. "Thank you," you said and meant it, from the bottom of your heart. "I'm sorry."

"Later, remember?"

"I know, I just… I need you to know you didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't avoiding you because I was mad at you."

"I figured as much."

"Right." What did she think was the reason? Was she as mad at you as you were? "So, um, let's go in."

She stared, a knowing look in her eyes. "I don't need a babysitter."

Expect her to go for the defensive. "We're still friends, aren't we?"

"As far as I know," she said with a shrug.

You deserved that, too.

"As your friend, it's my duty to look out for you."

"I can take care of myself, Y/N. I'm not made of glass."

But, even as the words fell from her mouth, you could tell she appreciated your support. Her voice was too soft, tone too mild for anger.

She could play tough all she wanted — she wanted you to be there as much as you wanted it.

"We all need backup, don't we?" you asked. Before she could utter a retort, you said, "You know they're gonna be assholes."

"I know that, thank you very much," Rowena said. "I've spent four years with them. I know how they work."

"Then you know you shouldn't be alone." She scowled at you. You sighed. "I made you a promise, didn't I?"

"I suppose," she conceded.

"If they so much as look at you wrong, I'll kick their asses."

"Please, don't," she said half-heartedly. "I think I've used up all my get-out-of-trouble cards on Fergus."

You were flattered by the mere fact she considered it.

"What did happen with Crowley? He didn't tell me much," you said as you started walking inside. "I just know that your mom threatened Principal Shurley."

"Och, she was furious," Rowena said, an amused smile playing on her mouth. "Threatened to involve the police and sue him and the school."

Damn.

"She's badass."

She tilted her head up proudly. "Aye."

"Like mother, like daughter," you couldn't resist commenting, which earned you a significant look. One of those that resembled that of a cat eyeing its prey, eating its vulnerability up like candy. Compliments — Rowena MacLeod's drug of choice. "Did you have to be there?"

She nodded. "They called me out of class. I wasn't planning on saying anything, but Principal Shurley wanted to expel Fergus. Our mum was out of her mind. She didn't know what to believe. You know what Fergus is like."

You knew better than you liked to admit.

Trouble was practically the boy's middle name.

"So I told them everything," Rowena continued. A bitter chuckle escaped her. "Mum went… I believe the term you would use is apeshit."

You let out a chuckle of your own. "I can imagine."

"Lucifer isn't supposed to come near me. But I imagine he'll find a way."

Just as the words left her mouth, some of the kids looked at her and snickered. A couple of friends leaned closer to whisper to each other. A few of the popular girls, among them members of Olivette's little group, mumbled something indecipherable that made them all burst into giggles.

You glared at each and every one of them. Instinctively, your arm snaked around Rowena. You pulled her to you, against you, your grip on her tightening as you entered the school and passed by more onlookers.

Come on, you thought, almost challenging them. Do something. Say something loud and clear. I fucking dare you!

You were ready to wipe the floor with whomever thought themselves brave enough.

Or kick them in the crotch while screaming like Tarzan.

Whatever sent the message that Rowena wasn't to be touched, or hurt, or bullied. That she had you now, and, unlike her previous friends, you weren't just pretending to care about her.

You loved her.

So much.

Too much.

If anyone were to try anything, they had better be prepared for the only thing worse than an overprotective friend was an overprotective friend with more-than-friendly feelings.

"He's a coward," you said. "So are they. Look at them! It's like they'd drop dead if they didn't gossip."

"I'm sure that is exactly what they think would happen," Rowena said. "Everybody loves a juicy story."

She made no attempts to remove your arm. Gave no signs that she was uncomfortable. She just walked beside you, with your arm around her, head held high and proud as the crowds stared and whispered. Every step she took was graceful. If the unpleasant attention got to her, she didn't let it show. Instead, her face was a blank, a mask of frost  as cold as the air outside. Her safety blanket.

They couldn't hurt her if she didn't let them.

They couldn't do anything if she didn't let it show.

A chorus of greetings suddenly erupted as your friends, standing in a circle by a wall as always, noticed you coming. High fives were exchanged. Jokes told. Smiles bright on mouths. As if you hadn't seen one another for a decade rather than two weeks.

Meg had her arm around Castiel, who was awkward as ever. Dean high fived you. Crowley made a sarcastic quip that made you laugh and roll your eyes at the same time. Sam gave you a gentle smile.

All was the same as always.

Then their eyes landed on Rowena, who was still wrapped in your one-armed embrace, and a quiet, deafening, uncomfortable, settled down like fog.

Cheeks flaming, you pulled your arm back. A tad too quickly for it to not be suspicious.

Your friends noticed, but no one said a word. They just stared, eyes narrowed into slits. Scanned you like microscopes, taking in every detail, every twitch on your face, every flickering emotion you tried your hardest to hold back for letting it show would make everything worse.

"Rowena, it's nice to see you." Sam was the first to break the silence, kind and courteous as always. Friendly to the bone. The only one who didn't mind her presence and, you were certain, would welcome her into the group with open arms.

"Samuel," Rowena said with a nod. Her face was a mask of steel, a well-manufactured facade. A protection against the awkwardness for she'd had enough of it for one day and she wasn't going to let it get to her. "Always the flatterer."

He grinned. "How are you doing?"

"As well as one can when they're the school's punching bag." It came out bitter, sour. Raw with emotion she wasn't willing to let show.

"You know that's not true," you told her, laying a hand on her shoulder.

She eyed it, cautious, but let it stay there. "Isn't it?" She snorted. "Not that it matters. Been there, done that, aye? I'll get used to it."

You shouldn't have to, you wanted to say. Your heart ached for her, broke into a thousand pieces.

She didn't have to get used to it.

She didn't have to take it.

She didn't have to live with it as if it were a normal part of life.

No matter what she'd done, who she'd hung out with — she didn't deserve to suffer like this.

"Rowena…" you trailed off, unsure what to respond.

To the surprise of everyone, Meg spoke up. "Punch them in the mouth." All eyes turned to her. "What? It's what I'd do. Whenever they say anything — or, hell, if they just look at you wrong — punch them. Hard. Won't be long before they start fearing you. No one wants to talk shit about a crazy chick, right?"

Rowena smirked, quite impressed, by the looks of it.

You shared the sentiment.

Meg was right — a good, well-aimed punch was a sure way to shut any foul mouth.

"No!" Sam said, horrified. "You can't just go around punching people!"

"And they can go around spreading rumors?" Meg scoffed. "I don't think so."

"That's not what I meant."

She ignored him. "Lucifer tried to spread shit when I cut him off. Didn't get too far." She raised up her fist proudly, balled so tight her knuckles were sheet-white. "Turns out, people love not being punched more than they love gossiping."

Well, shit.

Who would have thought Meg, of all people, would accept Rowena so quickly?

It made sense, you supposed. There was a time Meg used to be in the same boat. Lucifer's little toy, pushed around and talked down to. She was into him, and he used that to his advantage. She wasn't good enough for him to date her, but that didn't stop him from teasing her. Didn't stop him from flirting and backing away at the very last moment. Didn't stop him from giving her hope and then crushing it without regard for her feelings.

She got out.

And so had Rowena.

Their personalities may have different, but this was one thing they had in common.

"I can punch them for you," Meg offered.

Rowena blinked, startled. Utterly taken aback. "You would do that?" Her tone was disbelief personified.

Meg grinned like it was Christmas. "Why not? You're part of the gang now, aren't you? Besides, any enemy of Lucifer is a friend of mine."

"I…" Rowena trailed off, at a loss of words. She didn't know Meg. She knew she used to hang around Lucifer and that she was dating his brother, but aside from that, she knew nothing about her.

She was sure Meg knew plenty about her; how she used to join in on bullying; how she laughed at others' misfortune; how she stood aside while her — now former — friends made people's lives a living hell.

And yet, despite all that, she wanted to help her. She welcomed her with open arms and was already treating her as a friend.

Rowena couldn't understand that.

You hoped she learned to soon.

This was what friendship was. What love was. Acceptance. Protection. Kindness.

Heavens knew she needed plenty of it.

"Kill me now," Crowley commented dramatically as usual.

You sighed. "What's your problem now?"

He looked at Rowena pointedly. "She's my problem. As if living with her's not enough. Now I have to be around her at school."

"As if I enjoy your presence," Rowena shot back, face scrunched with distaste. "Don't flatter yourself, Fergus. This is not a walk in the park for me, either. I most certainly don't mean to intrude."

"Hey, hey!" you said, hands up in a placating motion. "You're not intruding." Crowley scoffed and you fired, "She's not! She's my friend and she has every right to be here."

"I think what Crowley is trying to say—" Dean tried, ever the devil's advocate. He never liked Rowena. Even after he'd found out what she'd gone through, he remained suspicious of her. He fully supported Crowley beating the shit out of Lucifer — he'd admitted he would've done the same — but his feelings about her remained unchanged.

You cut him off. "Crowley's being an ass!"

He was entitled to his feelings, but he had no right to talk shit about her.

Rowena was your friend — his brother's friend — whether he liked it or not.

Either he deal with it, or you cut him off for, though you'd known him for far longer, Rowena was the one you loved, the one you'd sworn to protect. What she was to you, Dean could never be.

Your choice was clear in the matter.

"Does anyone else have a problem with Rowena being here?" you asked.

"No," Sam said.

"I was clear, wasn't I?" Meg said.

"Why would I?" Castiel said.

Dean just shrugged, not in the mood for arguments, while Crowley rolled his eyes.

"There," you said. "She's staying."

"I don't want to impose," Rowena said, staring pointedly at her brother.

"You're not imposing. You heard them," you told her, squeezing her shoulder. "You're my friend. Where I go, you go."

"Yeah," Sam said. "You're one of us now."

She didn't seem too thrilled at the prospect for your group was far from what she was used to, but she pulled on a smile, bright and happy.

Looking forwards to her new, secure life.

"Welcome to the team," you told her, intent on making sure she got it.

*****

Tags: @werewolfbarbie @oswinthestrange @songofthecagedmoose @apurdyfulmind @getthesalt-sam @metallihca @salembitchtrials @jay-eris @hellsmother @elizabeth-effie @victoriasagittariablack @rowenaswife @wonderifshelikesroses @xfireandsin @liddell-alien @hotdiggitydammit @lae-lae @darkhumorsblog @gaysnakess @angel7376 @cherrypierowena @ruthieconnells @evil-regal-vampiress @collectorofsecretsandsouls @angel-e-v-a @tasyahilker @a-queen-and-her-throne @carryon-doctor-lock

[theboyz-engup]

To All The Boyz I’ve Loved Before; Letter Six

Summary- It was wonderful what a few little letters could do; they could make or break a friendship, cause someone to laugh or smile, make someone remember the time of their life or that moment they wanted to forget. Just some words on paper and poof, everyone knew the way your heart beat and workings of your brain. High school really did wonders on you, as did those twelve boys. Maybe they didn’t know it, but they changed your whole life with each smile, each wave, and each word you typed into paper. You made them permanent, and now they had to know why.

Word Count- 8.8k

a/n: i legit cannot believe i’m halfway through this story hnngghfgjd i hope you guys all enjoy this, thank you all for sticking with me through it xx

Previous Letter - Next Letter

Coming home to an empty house wasn’t necessarily surprising at this point but the disappointment in his chest didn’t go away. He’d specifically told his parents that this was his only week off and he would be home only for a while if they wanted to see him and still, nothing. He should’ve figured from the train station when neither of them had come to pick him up but, as it turns out, he never learns.

Frowning, Jaehyun knocked his shoes off and placed them to the side, listening for the sound of Honey but realizing she wasn’t here either. He missed her too, almost most of all, and of course they’d taken her too. Bitterly, he made his way to the kitchen and found a few letters stacked up on the counter. Reading the note left by him mom about making his own dinner, he sighed and scoured through the rest of the mail if some was his. Catching his name in typewriter print, he felt a bit excited and, as he walked over to the freezer for some easily made food, he began his read.

Dear Lee Jaehyun,

What you’re about to read has been the best part of my grade ten year. I hope you aren’t upset by the fact that you’re what made it so great.

Early February, 2016

“Did you guys hear?” Amalia was loud, as usual, but this time with something urgent on her lips. She rushed into your little study room, flinging her bag off her back and plopping it on the table with a rush of words following her. As she took out her books and sat down, she rambled, “there was a robbery earlier this morning. Apparently, they hit like four houses down your street, y/n. It’s super weird and dangerous for down here since we all like know each other. I can’t even imagine-”

“Did you just say near y/n’s house?” Shankeri sat up in her seat, taking her boots off the table and suddenly becoming serious.

Amalia nodded, though she didn’t seem worried. “Yeah like a few houses up from her. Police and stuff came before they could loot more so you’re safe but yeah.”

“You sound insane,” Sunwoo stated, not looking up from his paper. He’d taken to keeping his hat on around school, hood on over it and withdrawing into his paper and pen for some quality lyrics. Jace smacked the board Sunwoo had in hand, looking serious as well.

“How are you so calm right now?”

Sunwoo shrugged, pointing the end of his pen at you. Before he returned to his work, he gave Jace a bitter look and muttered, “do you see y/n freaking out? No? Then why should you?”

“Y/n wouldn’t scream if they were about to get hit by a bus,” Amalia hummed, countering Sunwoo. “Their fight or flight instinct doesn’t work. It’s just freeze.”

You had to admit she was right there. You would hardly ever scream, recalling how hard it was to imitate a scream when you were doing a play in grade four. The thought made you cringe and you retreated back to your work.

“Well, it’s no big deal,” you started, picking up your pencil to stare at some numbers that made absolutely no sense to you, “as long as I still have my fridge and microwave, I think I’m good.”

“See,” Sunwoo chimed, drawing the word out. “Now hush, I’m trying to think.”

Hyunjoon from across your little table met your eyes as you looked around. He was the only one who noticed, and he gave you a little smile.

As much as you pretended you were okay with it, the thought of a crime happening in your neighbourhood- so close to you, really- it scared you a lot. You wanted some support or just someone to walk home with you and stay so you wouldn’t be alone. You doubted a robbery would happen again, there were police staggered up and down the streets surrounding your house but you couldn’t help but feel like something ominous was about to happen. It was like there was this ghost floating just paces behind you and you couldn’t see it but you could feel it. That night, luckily, everyone was home. Tomorrow was another issue, seeing as Haymond had an away game for the weekend and your parents needed to visit someone in the city.

Amalia took long strides beside you as you travelled from class to the cafeteria. Her fingers were in the loops of her backpack and she was wearing more makeup than her usual eyebrows and lashes. Her lips pouted out as she spoke, genuinely upset.

“My parents said I’m not allowed to keep you company this weekend while your parents and Haymond are away. They offered for you to come over but my sister’s allergic to dogs.”

Linking arms with her, you only shrugged, trying to play it cool. “That’s fine.”

Panic set in soon after as you realized nobody else was available this weekend. Sunwoo was in the city, far away and training this weekend. Hyunjoon was out for his grandmother’s birthday, and Jace and Shankeri weren’t your closest friends. You could’ve asked them but felt like that was probably more awkward than being alone.

Slowly, on your walk home, you began to realize you really didn’t have any other option. You trusted him, he took care of your dog, he was nice. You went on walks together often enough and texted sometimes. Your mum had even ordered you and Haymond over to dinner with him whenever his parents weren’t home and she wanted a nice date night with dad. It wasn’t the worst idea you had, you admitted; but, maybe if your parents hadn’t left by the time you got home, you could change your mind. Doing some homework on the road wouldn’t be so bad.

Steadily, you rounded the corner to your street and squinted to see further, hoping to see your car in your driveway. There was no such luck and your great idea turned sour in your mouth. You liked Jaehyun, you did, it was just that this was supposed to be a different kind of weekend. You were supposed to relax and study for your classes with Amalia, paint each other’s nails, watch romantic comedies and then break into Haymond’s room and play his video games. Now, you would spend it being entirely nervous but not out of fear; Jaehyun just made you nervous with each look he gave you and each smile. He made your stomach tie in knots and it was so hard to untangle them the more you got to know him. He went from being this quiet and observant boy to a loud and boisterous man, someone who would text you over and over just to pay attention to him and then leave you on read whenever he was busy.

He was so weird and complex and yet, so fun and happy when you caught him on his good days. Sometimes he got really upset though and he caved into himself. He would become so quiet not because he was reading his crowd but because he wasn’t even there. He was thinking and forming a mass of nervousness and self doubt in the pit of his heart. You never knew what to say to him when he got like that, this man who was three years older than you was still just so fragile. Maybe he’s afraid of being alone too, you thought, taking your phone out of your pocket once you got inside and sending him a quick text. It was just a hello but you hoped it would warrant a response.

After a few hours, you figured it wasn’t. You sent one more and then two and then five more messages, all saying the same thing- all just saying hello. The moment you were about to send another, just as the sun dipped over the hill and darkness was holding the world still, your phone rang. The picture of him and your dog showed up, the one you used for his contact photo, with two little buttons for ignoring or answering the call. Quickly, you swiped and brought your phone up to your ear.

You didn’t even have time to say hello. He just went straight into his sentence, deadpanning, “you know, I’ve figured out that if you just stop responding to people then they stop texting.”

Not knowing what to say, you simply stood silent, mouth opening and closing but finding no air for words. Jaehyun didn’t have a problem continuing his thought, voice lighter and more teasing.

“You’re clearly an exception. What’s up, why did you spam me?”

The idea of you hearing your request out loud made your throat swell. Did it sound like you were asking him over because you wanted something from him? You just wanted company- not to be alone and sleep easy knowing someone else would also be there to protect you against the imaginary burglar that could show up. He didn’t even have to interact with you, in fact, you’d prefer it that way. You could just be in the same house and that was enough.

“C- can you like come over or something?” The question took a bit of effort but you made it out. Your eyes were on the ground, watching your feet carry you from tile to tile in your kitchen. The silence made you anxious and you were so close to explaining yourself but decided against it. If he took it the wrong way, that was his fault.

All he did was hang up, the dial tone loud in your ear. With your lips parted, you took your phone from your ear and looked at it. The audacity, you thought, absolutely beside yourself. Jaehyun, the person who’d told you to always call him if you needed something, had just ignored your request. To be fair, he said that with reference to Barly but still, it hurt your feelings.

Barly rounded the corner, his collar creating small chimes as he came closer and closer. He looked up at you in the kitchen and then sat, expectant. You would’ve forgotten to feed him if he hadn’t come to see you, tilting his head towards his food bin.

“Right, I’ll get some dinner for us both, yeah?”

Slowly, you worked around the kitchen and got the meal your mom had written out for Barly. He needed to lose some weight so he was on a strict diet for now and your parent shad been careful enough to list exactly what was needed for each meal and tape it onto the fridge for you to see. As you set the bowl down, telling Barly to wait, you murmured, “guess it’s just me and you tonight.”

He barked in response and you took it as a sign of solidarity. If anything, you could watch some bad movies together. Sure, you wouldn’t have anyone to direct your comments at but it would still feel like you weren’t alone.

“Here you go, buddy,” you hummed before a grown slipped past your teeth. Why did it hurt so much just to bend over. As you walked towards your door to put your extra lock on, rubbing the small of your back, you heard Barly bark again.

He didn’t like to bark and hardly did so it was an odd occurrence. Despite yourself, a chill creeped under your skin and you hurried to your door, knowing the extra lock would give you peace of mind, though the fear wouldn’t really go away. Barly followed after you and got there first, sitting quietly. His tail wagged back and forth slowly and then, one final bark. You couldn’t help yourself and you ran to the door, really just wanting that one final lock on but-

A shriek slipped past your lips and you nearly fell over, your eyes trained on a shadow that appeared before the window of your door. A soft knock fell through and the figure became slightly recognizable, though you didn’t really believe it. Barly came over to you, knocking his nose against your leg almost as if to ask if you were okay.

Jaehyun’s voice followed suit, coming through the door. “Y/n? Did you just scream, what’s wrong?”

“Lee Jaehyun!” you nearly yelled, rushing to the door and ripping it open to be faced with such a casual looking boy. He was wearing joggers and a pair of sneakers with the thinnest hoodie on. A little cap was atop his head and, over his shoulder, he’d strung a bag and a windbreaker.

“You scared the living crap out of me,” you said rather loudly, though your voice shook and wavered near the end of your sentence. His pouted lips formed themselves into a smile as he looked down at you and laughed lightly.

“How? By showing up when you asked me to?”

Puffing your cheeks up, you tried to think of a response but he was right. You did ask for him to come over and he did as was told, only he didn’t tell you he was coming. With a great big sigh, you let him know that he could’ve said he was coming over instead of hanging up because then you wouldn’t have been so worried. Jaehyun was much too preoccupied though, having come in and squatting to rub at Barly’s ears.

“Who’s a good boy? You, yes, you,” he crooned, using his baby voice quietly. When he grinned, his eyes became long and nearly closed, matching Barly’s eyes as he moved his head into Jae’s hands. His lips came forwards as he made ridiculous sounds at your dog, acting so sweet with him. Barly was a second away from falling in love when you called him over to finish his dinner. Swiftly, he left Jaehyun’s hands to come and rub his head under one of yours and then went to his food.

Jaehyun, abandoned, was now forced to take his shoes off and borrow one of your dad’s pairs of slippers, seeing as Haymond’s didn’t fit him. As he got settled in, he asked teasingly, “are you jealous because your dog likes me better? Hmm?”

“He does not,” you protested, crossing your arms as Jae made his way to your living room. He was now holding his bag straight, looking around the place before settling on you.

“I’ll prove it tomorrow,” he seemed to promise. There was something about his eyes that made it feel like he was the son of Hermes. They flashed and glittered like he had secrets and jokes hidden in unorganized piles of papers. Sometimes, you could swear he had figures dancing across them, like he was telling a great story without saying much of anything.

“So,” he started, clearly excited but equally exhausted, “where am I sleeping?”

Leaving Jaehyun to get settled in the living room let you have some time alone for the time being. He promised he’d stay only if you watched movies with him and made him some popcorn. About three times in your little negotiation, he threatened to leave but he was already so comfortable on the couch. The blanket that was thrown over an arm of your sofa was hanging off his shoulders as you played rock, paper, scissors to decide on your final terms, which was the flavour of popcorn. Luckily, it landed on plain popcorn and, while he got ready for movie night, you went to get ready for bed.

You took a shower and got changed, even washed your face and primed it for a face mask, which you were going to force Hyun to do with you. Grinning as you walked downstairs in your winter pyjamas, just a pair of long, plaid pants, and a long sleeved shirt of your father’s, you caught sight of Hyun changing and paused. Dashing back up the few steps so he was out of sight, you whined quietly to yourself, hating the way your heart raced at seeing his shoulder blade. You mean, really? Who cares about a shoulder? You had a shoulder and nobody fawned over yours.

Shaking your head quickly, wishing for the nervousness to disappear and trying hard to manually shove it down your throat, you finished your walk down the stairs. He was now just sitting on the couch, eyes on the television screen and flipping through channels. He perked up seeing you, eyebrows raising and eyes settling on you. He looked so soft, hair now settled so it dared to fall into his eyes and clothes just the slightest bit bigger than they should be to fit. He looked like he had rushed to pack which, honestly, you figured he probably did. He wasn’t wearing the most flattering clothes and yet, he still managed to make you feel all knotted up.

“I brought face masks,” you mused, lifting them up in the air. Hyun clapped, the remote between his hands as he did so.

“Popcorn?” His ears perked up almost as if he were a dog himself, legs crossed and chest leaning forwards expectantly.

“After,” you drew out, sitting on the couch beside him and handing him the one labelled ‘pore control’. Clicking his tongue, he gaped at you as he read the description and tapped your shoulder.

“Excuse me!”

The laugh that slipped past your teeth was calming enough, even though he did complain as he took his out of the sleeve. You were putting yours on without a mirror so you hoped it would turn out fine, your hands smoothing over the bubbles you felt on your cheeks.

“But it’s necessary, have you seen your pores? So open,” you giggled, animated as you explained to him why he was getting his mask. He looked at you incredulous and with his lips parted like a fish’s out of water.

“Okay, I repeat, excuse me, I have great skin, thank you very much,” he huffed, trying hard to put the mask on without his hair getting in the way. He was bending forwards, figuring that gravity would be enough to get his hair out of the way and he wasn’t necessarily wrong. You were chuckling lightly, watching him struggle as you turned the hair tie you had round your wrist around and around.

“You’re just jealous,” he finished, giving up and letting his hair fall on the damp mask.

“No,” you hummed, looking down at your hair tie and deciding to be nice as you beckoned him forwards. “I’m sorry you can’t admit the truth, Hyun.”

His eyes watched you as you got on your knees, hoping the extra height would help you tie a better knot to keep his bangs out of the way. Your fingers grasped as much hair as possible and you tied a knot carefully so that it wouldn’t hurt him but also so he would look like a little pineapple sprout.

Giggling as you pulled away, you sat back down on your legs and announced, “there. You look perfect.”

“I hate it when you laugh like that,” he said worriedly, bringing up his phone to check what he looked like in his camera, “that always means you did something ev- y/n!”

“Take the picture,” you demanded, getting in so your face was in the frame and making a silly face. He took the picture with him looking stern, though he did crack a smile at it after.

“Told you that you look great,” you chimed, sitting down in your spot next to him. You were cross legged with your hands placed in the hole in front of you and your smile was ridiculously easy. Jaehyun just looked at you and scoffed, though he was laughing himself.

Quietly, he reached out and fixed a part of your mask, smoothing out a bubble there before turning his gaze back to the screen.

“Now can we get popcorn?”

You had to pretend like the touch of his skin meant nothing to you as you nodded, suddenly silent as you paced to the kitchen. Unknowingly, you reached to cup the part of your mask he’d fixed and smiled to yourself. All the while, as the popcorn popped and the movie went on, your little smile never faded.

That night was so sweet. It was almost unimaginable that you would be this kind to me. I remember you looking up at me from your spot on the floor (which you said was more comfortable for you but I have my suspicions that you were just trying to make me more comfortable) and asking me so seriously why my parents left me at home that weekend. I don’t think I would’ve had it any other way. You were so nice to me but not because you had to be. You were just a kind person and it felt so good to just be myself with someone who wasn’t going to judge me. Even when I made stupid jokes, you would just look back at me and laugh as if you couldn’t believe I was real. You made me really happy that night and I held onto it for a while. I expect I’ll be holding on for a very long time.

Early March, 2016

“Hey, y/n,” Jaehyun called, shuffling past people in the hallways to catch up with you. Hardly hearing it, you tried to keep going forwards but Amalia stuck her foot out in front of you, stopping you in your tracks.

He was right behind you when you turned to face him and you had to stumble backwards so you weren’t craning your neck up to meet his gaze. Sunwoo’s little story was interrupted as Hyun began his speech, though he was really only talking to you.

With his hands pressing down on the straps of his bag, he asked, “can I take Barly out after school today?”

You blinked. He would usually text you to ask you this, seeing as your classes weren’t close to each others at all- and that he was a senior. There was no sound between you two, which seemed to go for too long since Amalia’s elbow poked your side. From the corner of your eye, you could see her staring you down, eyes wide as if to convey a message.

“Uh, uhh, yeah? Yes,” you decided on saying, snapping out of your head for a moment. Regretfully, you replayed your answer in your head and winced internally, hating the way you sounded. It was like your brain was made of air.

Peaking a smile, Jae straightened, clearly glad. As his face softened, he pushed another question. Somehow, it seemed so calculated, like he was gauging how and when he should say what. Is this what people called feeling someone out?

“Do you want to come with? I want to train Honey near the river and I think you could try it with Barly too. It could be fun.”

Once again, you had nothing to say. The whole situation was entirely overwhelming and you didn’t understand what he wanted. Why he was asking you this, where he wanted to go, why he wanted to go with you: all of it went over your head. All you knew was that your breath could hardly make it past your throat.

Noticing another quiet spell, Amalia took it upon herself to answer, confidently saying, “they’ll think about it and text you? We’re preparing for a test so they’re kind of out of it right now.”

Sunwoo nodded to that, though he didn’t seem quite interested in Jaehyun. His eyes were on your face, carefully drifting between you two. Picking up the ends of what Amalia said, you quickly added, “I’ll let you know. Promise.”

Jaehyun’s smile never wavered, though you noticed how a glitter in his eyes seemed to fall away. He nodded, saying he’d see you later, turned on his heel and walked away. Dumbfounded, you couldn’t move from your spot until Amalia nicked you in the side again. You were so lost in your head, wondering what exactly he meant to do with all of that. The interaction seemed stale and directed, like he came talking with a purpose but not a malicious one. Did he really want to hang out with you, without Haymond or your parents in the way? What his intentions were, you couldn’t even begin to imagine. Your final thought was that maybe… maybe he felt the same flutter in his heart when you tied his hair that you did when he fixed your face mask.

Thinking about it dared for heat to rush up your cheeks but you quickly pushed it down with the elbow in your side, trying to return to reality. Slowly, you looked up at your friend and murmured, “do we really have a test today?”

“N- no, you idiot.” Amalia began somewhat serious but broke into a giggle. With her arm strung around your shoulder, she turned you round and you continued on your way to the cafeteria. Sunwoo was unusually quiet.

“Think you’re going to go?”

“Why wouldn’t they?” Sunwoo spoke up, somewhat sullen but clearly trying to force his point. “Y/n’s been into him since they first moved in.”

“Hey,” you tried to protest, raising your voice the slightest but knowing you had no response. Then, quietly, you just nodded your head and said, “I mean, that’s not wrong.”

Amalia giggled, musing as she continued taking the group to your table where Hyunjoon was already waiting, “you don’t even know. He was all she talked about until she found Sangyeon. Do you remember that? No, never mind, we weren’t friends back then. Wow… time really flies, huh?”

And so, she continued rambling, letting people in for interjections but laughing loud and leading the conversation nonetheless. You loved seeing her like this, so carefree and happy. You wanted to really bask in it but in the back of your mind, all you could see was Jaehyun.

Apparently, he was all you would see for the next few months. You would go everywhere together, under the excuse of taking your dogs out for walks. Haymond joined often, saying he didn’t want to eat dinner at home or that Juyeon was busy, so it felt like it was the three of you against the world. Whenever work allowed it, or you were feeling particularly lazy, you’d knock on Haymond’s door and asked him if he wanted to come out with you and Barly. Hyun almost always followed, bringing Honey around. You would risk eating in dog parks or near the river as the weather warmed up. Soon, you felt like you had your own separate friend group. It was your school friends on the weekend but, on weekdays, it was your brother and Jaehyun. You had to admit, you rather loved it.

Your parents seemed to adore it too, happy you and Haymond were spending time together. They would see you two leaving together and beam at each other. It wasn’t that you and Haymond weren’t close before but hanging out together did seem weird at times. Except now, you were practically the same age. One year between you seemed to mean less and less. He wasn’t weird about your crushes and you could talk openly about more things. He didn’t really mind driving you around either, teaching you the ropes before you got your learner’s license.

It felt like being around Jaehyun gave you so many good things in your life besides his time and company. You felt yourself starting to become more of a person and less of a child. While you loved your friends, you wanted to be more mature. You wanted to be respected and to be seen as an equal to Haymond or even Jaehyun. Being with them taught you just slightly how to grow up, despite the fact that they were both absolutely insane when it was just the two of them. Though it wasn’t simple or expected, you were happier, and you couldn’t wait to tell Eric about every day that made you lighter.

“So, then we were walking along the river and Haymond was already covered in mud, like dripping, and Juyeon came along so he dared him to go into the water and as if on cue,” you giggled, harder now that you stopped to really replay the scene you were painting for Eric, “Bartholomew comes up behind Haymond and like pushes against his leg with his nose for Haym falls in.”

At this point, you’ve already given into laughing about the scene, it being the final stretch of a series of ridiculous stories you were subjecting Eric to. You were laid out flat on your bed, stomach down with a pillow underneath your chest as you spoke, absentmindedly scrolling through an app on your laptop. Eric’s chuckles came through, almost in perfect harmony with yours as he came around to responding.

“You sound like you’re actually having fun, y/n. It’s really nice.”

You hummed a note, nodding as you jokingly asked, “am I less sad and depressed, as you liked to put it?”

“To use the word lightly, yeah,” he mused before stopping for a bit. Once he figured out what he wanted to say, he was much softer. “When are we going to hang out again?”

You shrugged, feeling the way the air changed and frowning. “I don’t know.”

“I just- I have something to tell you, is all. I want to do it in person.”

Blinking, completely unknowing, you attempted to ask what it was but Haymond cut you off. With a brief knock, he swung your door open and motioned with his head to come downstairs. “We’re studying, right?”

“Oh, right, shoot,” you muttered, hating how sudden it had to be that you’d leave. Visibly pained, you tried to explain to Eric that you had to go but his usual lightness appeared in his voice again.

“It’s fine, I heard. Good luck on your exams!”

“You too!” you tried to say but the dead tone hit your ears faster. Pouting slightly, you put your phone down and did your usual groan as you got up. Collecting your books as Haymond spoke, you tried to be as quick as possible.

“Was that Eric?”

You nodded, wanting to tell him that Eric said he had something to tell you, but Haymond sighed. With his hands in his pockets and his back against the door, he fixed you with a serious look.

“You know he likes you, right?” The question stung your ears and you hated how matter-of-fact he made it sound. He had no idea what he was talking about and yet it made you give pause.

With your notebooks and textbooks piled in your arms, pencil case the cherry on top, you looked at him seriously and shook your head. “Don’t say that. You don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re-”

“Just friends,” he finished with you, mockingly as he beckoned for you to hurry up into the living room. He shut your door behind you and followed, casual as he spoke. “Well, don’t say I didn’t tell you.”

“Mom and dad aren’t home?” you asked, quick to change the subject as you made your way down the stairs and into the living room where you set up your books. Haymond’s were already laid out on his side of the coffee table and couch. All that was left was Jaehyun and the few other people who were invited to come over to study.

It was agreed upon from all parties that afterwards, when you all finished studying by eight p.m. latest, you were all going to sit down and chat or play games or something. It was meant to be a rather relaxed get-together but the part where it was just going to be you three: you anticipated that the most.

Jaehyun got there moments later and took up residence on the couch beside you, closest to the table. It was a sofa made for two so you were very close- so close you could reach out and link your fingers together. The thought crossed your mind once or twice as you studied away at math and science, both courses you needed Amalia here for the help you with. She was going to be late though, so you switched over to history in hopes that it wouldn’t be too heavy for you. Yet, Jaehyun’s face kept surfacing in your mind and you couldn’t help but steal glances at him.

“What’s that face for?” Jae asked, breaking the silence as he looked over at you.

Your hands shot up to cover your cheeks, pencil laid flat against your skin as you asked, “what face?”

Haymond gave you a look over and chuckled. As he spoke, he returned to twirling his highlighter between his fingers, eyes trained on his work. “You looked like you were daydreaming just second ago.”

“What are you studying?” Jaehyun asked, leaning over to look at your work. Your lack of notes was embarrassing and you were sure he noticed but made no comment. Instead, he looked over at the textbook you had open and let out a small sound. His lips were formed in a perfect circle.

“Trotsky, huh?” he prodded, giving you a small wink. “That’s the kind of man you dream about? Interesting.”

“W-what, no!”

Yet, the laughs had already ensued. He was making a little joke and you were glad for his attention, even if it was a little embarrassing. Deciding against protesting, you tried to work with it but got cut off by the doorbell ringing.

“That’s probably Juyeon,” Haymond groaned, getting up and stretching as he walked to the door. Jaehyun gave you another look, lips soft and turned upwards before he returned to his work. The more he smiled, the more you wanted to leave your work behind and just look at him. It was hard to imagine that he was really right there next to you, just a fraction of an inch away. If you wanted to reach out, you could. You could just take his hand in yours, maybe make his eyes see you only. Maybe-

“I bought iced coffee,” Juyeon proclaimed, looking proud as he set down the tray of four on your coffee table. Instantly, you were pulled out of your stupor and your attention was on another boy, one who looked please with himself for doing something small like getting some coffee. You gave him a wave and told him thank you. The rest of the night felt like a blur.

You may not know it or care but you’re the main feature of my grade ten year. You’re part of almost every fun memory I’ve had in this stupid town. You don’t even know how happy you made me just by doing nothing. I would feel so sad and alone when I was home but then, in an instant, as you came over with some snacks and movies, I was the happiest person alive. I enjoyed being with you so much, through my exam season, in the halls, or just across our lawns when we were both doing nothing but still together. No matter how spontaneous, I

 was happy but I felt so weird too because I just wanted to tell you. I felt so bad not telling you just how much I liked you. I liked you so much it created a ball in my chest and weighed me down. All I wanted was for you to notice how I really feel about you but there wasn’t any chance for me to say it- not that I ever would. You know more than anyone else how scared I am of these things.

Late June, 2016

Happy to be done with school, you and your friends promised to do many things. Yet, the moment exams ended, everyone was too exhausted to do much. You couldn’t blame them necessarily, you were rather sleepy too, it was just that you felt so restless. You wanted to do something, even if it was playing monopoly in your backyard or walking around senselessly but there was no such luck. So, there you were, lying face up on your bed and staring at your ceiling hoping something to do would come to mind.

In the middle of your deep thinking, your phone buzzed once on the nightstand beside your bed. Groaning, you reached behind you and felt around until your fingers grasped the cold metal. Bringing it forwards, you muttered about someone disturbing you and how it was so disrespectful until you saw Jaehyun’s text and immediately bounced up.

Jaehyun, 3:26p.m: open your window

Doing as you were told, you went and propped open the window, hearing the glass squeak as rubber brought it forwards. Leaning forwards and out of it slightly, you caught sight of him on his lawn and he waved.

“Wanna go somewhere?”

You didn’t hesitate to say yes.

Swiftly, you put on a pair of shorts and a long-sleeved shirt, noticing the discrepancy but not necessarily caring in the moment. Your heart was in your throat, pounding like crazy as you kicked your sock drawer closed and bounded down the stairs to get to your shoes. Hearing the commotion, Barly came to the front door with his tail wagging. He looked between you and his leash expectantly. With a quick thought, you reached for his leash, placed it on quickly and slipped your shoes on, ready to go. Jaehyun was sitting on your lawn now, Honey between his hands as he rubbed small circles behind her ears. At the sound of your door opening, he looked behind him and smiled. Quick to get up, he turned on his spot to meet you face on, looking particularly light. He never wore shorts but his pants were of material and fitted well. Just a plain white shirt crossed his midsection, waving in the wind and pressing against his chest to outline lean muscle.

“That was fast,” he noted, but you didn’t have much to say about it.

Looking down and spreading your arms unceremoniously, you asked, “is it good enough for whatever we’re doing?”

“Perfect,” he chimed. Then, he started on his way ahead of you, probably noticing how he stunted you and grinning about it as he walked. Holding onto Barly, who was just happy to be outside, you paused and then began your jog to catch up with him.

As you neared his side, he began to answer the question on your lips. “I wanted to show you the summer fair. It’s kind of small with no rides but all the local shops have little carts where you can get food, there’s cotton candy, vendors and stuff. It’s nice.”

“How long has it been going on for?”

He shrugged, looking up to think. When he squinted because of the high sun, you noticed the slight crinkles in his skin. “I think about five or six years? It’s not new but it’s not old; and definitely not a place lots of people our age go.”

“Why not?” you mumbled, thinking it sounded kind of fun. The sun was also getting in your eyes too, forcing you to squint just as hard.

Looking down at you, he leaned his head so his hair fell just a tad to the side. His eyes were as wide as he could manage and he smiled lightly. “It’s boring unless you know where to go and what to get.”

The second you got there, you understood what he meant. It was on the far side of town which meant the walk was long but it was very calm. He made it easy to talk to him about anything. He felt so akin to Eric sometimes, just in the way his presence seemed to wrap around you and make you feel safe. A few instances, you would bump shoulders and you swore you could see him get just a bit tongue-tied, losing track of his sentence or shifting his feet when you were waiting at a crosswalk; but he recovered well. Keeping his composure, he led you right to the middle of the fair and looked around.

You could only see food vendors and shops for various things like hats, jewelry, and anything small or portable. One place was selling henna tattoos and you were intrigued but Hyun tugged you away, chuckling a bit as he shook his head.

“No, no, that place is really not good for henna.”

“How would you know?” was the question that launched him into a story of how he got dared to get a whole back tattoo in henna and how it was horrible. “I cried myself to sleep that night, no joke,” he finished, though he was laughing as he spoke. You couldn’t help but giggle with him, poking fun at him out of disbelief but also admiration.

Once you got to the other side, the quieter side of the fair, Hyun exhaled and smiled. The only really big line you could see was one for a lemonade stand, which he insisted was the best place to get lemonade from.

“But I don’t like lemonade,” you murmured softly, to which he gave you a really incredulous look before shaking his head at you.

“Well, now you will,” he promised, seeming very intent.

“Can I walk around while you wait in line? I don’t think Honey and Barly will take to being still for so long,” you pointed out, reaching down to pat Barly’s head. The sun was still so high in the sky that even he seemed to be squinting as he lifted his head to reach your touch. Reluctantly, Jaehyun agreed but asked you to stay in this area.

“It’ll be hard to find you afterwards.”

Assuring him you wouldn’t stray too far, you went and started to look at a few shops. There were some games like whack-a-mole that you were interested in and you made mental note of where it was to come back to it. Hopefully it doesn’t cost too much, you thought to yourself before your eyes landed on a psychic’s tent. It was purple and had stars attached to it, with small coins hanging from fabric all around the entrance and skirt of the tent. Without knowing why, you felt drawn towards the place and made you way. Honey and Barly barked a bit but quickly settled down once they reached the tent, being allowed to come inside with you. As you parted the silken material, your nose was exposed to a heavy scent of some type of herb you couldn’t place.

“Welcome,” the woman said sweetly. She was frail and old, sitting at a brown table with a white cloth laced with purple fabric. You found yourself sitting down and looking at her seriously. Presented with playing cards, you were made to exchange something of yours to influence the cards. Then, once she’d given your small ring back to you, she beckoned for you to pick some and she read what they meant to you.

Most of it went over your head but one thing you remembered very vividly. It seemed to even be written on your face as you exited the tent, heaviness in the lines by your mouth. Jaehyun hurried up next to you, extending a hat to you.

“I got these because I couldn’t see you and thought it’s sunny so… hey. You okay?”

Blinking, you glanced up at him and pushed a smile. Though your mind was on her words, you didn’t want to think about it anymore, or worry him. It felt too real to be there but, for the most part, you never believed in stuff like that. You wanted to go in as a joke. Looking behind you, Hyun smiled.

“Did you talk to Lady Enya? She scares a lot of people.”

Wrapping your fingers around the hat, all you did was murmur thank you and nod. Then, slowly, you managed, “she said some freaky shit.”

“Do you believe it?” His question was serious but you could tell he wanted to keep things light. After a shrug of yours, he extended the large lemonade bottle and hummed, “okay well here, have some. It’ll make you feel better.”

Gasping, trying to make a joke as you regained your grip on reality, you mused, “that’s exactly what she said you’d say.”

Laughing, though somewhat nervous, Jae said, “shut up.”

“Oh my god, that too!”

You pointed at him while your free hand grasped the lemonade to have a sip. He began laughing now, noticing how your skin lit up and laughed. Leading you and the dogs away, you began to talk about whack-a-mole and left the situation behind you.

Once the sun started to get low in the sky, Hyun suggested going home. He mentioned something about exhausting all his resources and you immediately apologized, offering to pay him back but he shook his head no.

“I told you to come out, so it’s fine.” He looked confident in his answer. Immediately, you wanted to point out that this wasn’t a date but something stopped you. Even if he did invite you out, he didn’t have to pay.

Chewing on this, you fell slightly silent on the way home. He didn’t seem to mind it, not needing to say much either. Instead, he stopped and let Barly and Honey off their leashes, calling them back every few moments to train them off-leash. You paid attention to him and the dogs, being soft but firm. They seemed to really listen. You once heard that someone who loves animals has to be kind-hearted. Silently, you thought of how much warmth was within his heart and who could possibly abandon him.

Thinking of his parents leaving him home often made you hurt. You wondered how often he felt like he wasn’t enough. He would text you and ask to come over and you thought it was just to hang out but maybe it was to fill a void he felt. Stepping a few paces behind him to watch him well, you felt like you could see him so much clearer. It made your heart well. With all this hurt, he was still as kind as ever. It was hard to imagine. You doubted you would be as nice as him in his circumstances.

“You okay?” he asked, turning his head to see you stopped in your tracks. Your jaw, which had dropped slightly, came back into place as you tried to compose yourself. With a nod, you hurried up beside him and murmured about something being on your mind. When he asked what, you felt it might be inappropriate so you said something else, trying to cover it all up.

“Well, I was just thinking about what the psychic would have said to you. You’re really good with dogs and all, it might have some supernatural reason.” The fib was easy enough to make, though you did feel a bit bad about it. Maybe you shouldn’t have lied and let the opportunity to talk about something genuinely serious slip but you had to. It wasn’t your place to ask him. Deep down, you felt this was the right choice.

Thinking hard, though letting his laughs get the most of him as he spoke, he began, “she’d probably be like ‘oh, you are one with the dog. Your ancestors lived in caves and were werewolves. You were grown up on the soil and a natural hunter.”

As he continued his little schpiel, he became more and more dramatic, and it made you laugh. With your elbow, you touched his side and told him to be quiet. His eyes became the biggest crescents as he giggled; he was so perfect, he looked almost drawn. Once that subsided, he asked if you still had the cotton candy which he’d got earlier on. It was in a plastic bag which you pressed into your small backpack and you struggled to get out.

Without hesitation, you both began to share the bag and talked as you did so, his voice not letting you slip into your mind again. He enjoyed to share things, even if they were meaningless, but you loved to listen to what he said. Slowly, you stopped eating and just let him talk, watching as he kept his animated voice all throughout a story or listened to your small responses.

“Can you hold this for a second?” he mumbled, looking ahead and calling for the dogs to stop. Doing as you were asked, you came to a pause as he handed you the bag. Your houses were beginning to show just behind him and you nearly asked why he’d stopped but then his fingers curled around your sleeves and began cuffing them.

“They’ll get dirty from the sugar,” he said so absentmindedly. Then, he quickly dropped your hands and plucked the bag from your fingers. Entirely embarrassed, you brought one hand up to your face and felt the heat there. This time, you couldn’t blame it on the sun, since the bill of your cap stretched far enough to cover most of your cheeks and nose.

“W-what did you do that for?” The question was asked even though you knew the answer he gave. From the side of your eye, you saw his face turn to see you, his smile so soft. Though most of his face was shrouded from the cap, the sun hardly any help as it rested its cheeks against the hills of your little town, you could tell there was something changed in his eyes.

Softly, his fingers came to twist with yours, fitting in the spaces between yours. He was so light, so careful to not make you do anything you didn’t want to do. You didn’t know how to say that this was what you wanted to do the whole day, how you’d thought of holding his hand and bringing him closer almost everyday you spent together. So, you didn’t say anything at all. You simply closed your fingers around his. At this, he brought you the slightest bit closer and you walked home together, blind to how silly and large your smile was.

I truly cherish every moment we’ve spent together. We would walk around doing nothing and feel like we were doing the most daring things. We were alive but I felt like we were really existing.  I sound like a stupid romance novel but it was hard not to romanticize everything about you. You were and are so present in my mind that I have to write this to let you go. I can’t be with you and we both know that. When you let go of my hand, I could see it in your eyes. You couldn’t do it again and neither could I. I can’t sit there and fall for you more and more. God, is this even love?

I don’t know the answer to that. All I know is you overwhelm me and make me so nervous. I’m glad for everything we’ve done but I don’t think I can take anymore. I want to be free of it. I like you so much that I can’t take it. Please take it away from me. Please.

From y/n y/l/n. On June 28th, 2016.

The oven beeping snapped Jaehyun out of his head. Quickly, he moved to take the chicken strips out, nearly forgetting to put on oven mitts. He was so wrapped up in what you’d written. He was sure you’d done this at the time yo’d written it. It was so fresh in your mind then that every moment you described- he could feel them. He was there, watching you watch him. He could imagine it all, reading how you felt and pairing it with his heart.

Two years ago. It was so confusing back then. He had so many emotions but he didn’t know what they meant only that he liked you too; but then there was age and college. He wasn’t going to be here and you were going to forget. You were right and he hated that. He hated that, in his eyes, it was over before it started. He wished it wasn’t like that. He wanted to see you but  it wasn’t that easy now, was it? You were dating someone now and he couldn’t get between that. He even saw you at Christmas. You seemed so happy.

Frustrated, Jaehyun practically tossed the tray onto his counter, the metal shaking in its spot. The sound resonated through his empty house.

[hipsofsteel]

Can we hear more about Jan?

Of course, anon! I’d be glad to yell a lot of information about the man who lists yelling as one of his hobbies.

And, without further ado, an introduction and character summary below.

Jan Kees Jones, personification of New York State

All art credited to @zapphi, 2017, 2018, 2019

Physical Description

Jan Kees is 5′11, with semi-styled sandy blonde hair, and blue-green eyes. He is of a medium build, and decently fit. He has been referred to as a shorter version of his father, Lars. Neither can deny relationship to the other. He identifies as Dutch-American. His birth year was 1614, and he celebrates his birthday on July 26th.

Jan Kee’s face claim is model Andrej Halasa, his voice claim is Gregg Taylor of Decoder Ring Theatre fame, and as of this moment, he has no singing voice claim.

Personality

Money makes the world go around, the world go around… (Me, starting this section).

Jan is a loud, somewhat egotistical bastard, whose got just enough of a hidden golden heart to be worth knowing, somehow. He’s really good with kids, passionate, and driven to do whatever he decides to do. His passion and drive can play against him at times when he comes off as stubborn and resistant to outside ideas, and aides in many negative perceptions of him. He can also be very indifferent at times to various situations, unless he has a direct stake in it, and pride is a very definite and major downfall he has.

At the same time, he believes strongly in family. While he probably fights with his two brothers more than anyone else, he’ll be right at their side the moment anyone else goes after them. And as for his family back in Europe, he considers himself still very close to his father, and visits him often. He’s also a little bit of a prankster, and he and Seth (@zapphi’s Massachusetts) have gotten into multiple prank wars.

Sexuality and Gender

Jan Kees is queer and cisgender. He has tried ascribing other names to his sexuality over the years, but it has been very fluid at times, so he prefers the overall term of queer. The closest he’s come to using any other name for his sexual orientation was bisexual, but he remained somewhat uncomfortable with the term before switching back to queer.

Jan can additionally be very open with his sexuality at times, and has historically been quite the womanizer and been willing to sleep with about anyone who lets him. When other states joke about the “Promiscusquad”, they count Jan Kees in as a founding member. However, if you’re in a serious relationship with him, he’s a one-person man.

Religion

Jan was raised as a Dutch protestant, and while he remains culturally Christian, indetifies as an agnostic or atheist nowadays. He is very aware of other cultures and religious practices, and tries to be very respectful of them, and has spent a lot of time studying Judaism in particular, as both his brothers are Jewish.

Employment

Jan has two fields in which he’s incredibly passionate and focused in, law and finance. Following World War Two, he has predominantly focused in law, although he continues to invest his money. He used to mainly making a living in finance, but after the Great Depression, felt that law was a more stable career.

Pets

Jan has three pets, all gifts from Lars to celebrate another century of age. In order, he recieved:

Niagara

A Friesian mare Jan recieved on his 100th birthday, Niagara was a very practical gift. He was a growing colony, and although he was now a British colony, Lars felt he needed his own transportation and Arthur was failing to provide him it. Jan and Niagara were pretty inseperable until the age of the automobile. Nowadays, Niagara lives on Jan’s property in upstate New York and enjoys her well-deserved retirement.

Hamilton

A blue and white British Shorthair was given to Jan as his 200th birthday present, and named in honor of Alexander Hamilton. Jan is definitely more of a cat person than a dog person, and Hamilton can about get away with murder. He sleeps on Jan’s chest (which is bad when he weighs as much as he does), loves all of Jan’s “enemies” more than he loves Jan, and loves the smell of mint gum which Jan is sometimes forcefed so he won’t smoke.

Hamilton, you traitor, stop adoring Massachusetts.

When life gives you mint gum, Hamilton glues himself to your face.

Rembrandt

Rembrandt exists pretty much solely because of this picture of Jan’s faceclaim. Rembrandt was a gift for Jan’s 300th birthday, and Rembrandt the hedgehog is living the ideal life in Jan’s apartment. He crawls around on the floor as a walking pincushion, Hamilton is terrified of him and Jan’s terrified of stepping on him, he gets taken out for fun photoshoots by literally anyone who’s ever housesat for Jan so they can spam Jan with pics. His life is amazing.

After reiceiving Rembrandt, Jan has made it clear he has as many pets as he wants, so he didn’t recieve another pet for his 400th birthday in 2014.

Relationships with other States

We’ll start with family.

New Jersey

Elijah, only ten years younger than Jan, has never been someone whose content to be in the shadows OR bossed around by his older brother. Fiercely independent from the start, he resisted assimilation into a Dutch way of life, clinging to his native roots and converting to Judaism very early on. Half the time, they’re at the other’s throats over the smallest things. The other half of the time, they’re about the only person watching each other’s back. They’re a formidable team when cooperating, and Elijah admits he’d miss arguing with him if something happened to the asshole, but don’t you dare tell Jan that!

Delaware 

No art for Aaron, so imagine Elijah, but approximately one inch shorter.

Aaron always felt a bit like the third wheel of the family, and he isn’t entirely wrong (Jan and Elijah can be rather self-centered at times). At the same time, Aaron serves as a peacekeeper between the two and he and Elijah bond over their shared faith.

Yet, some doubts about his place in the family were destroyed when Aaron came out of the closet as trans. Jan Kees and Elijah immediately stopped using Aaron’s deadname, Miriam, and bookended his seat for several meetings, ready to throw down with anyone who challenged Aaron. Jan Kees has even helped financially with some of Aaron’s surgeries and made sure his brother has all the expensive male fashion that he will probably never wear because “I never wore this sort of stuff before, Jan, why would I start now?”

Okay, family section over onto other states

Massachusetts

He’s only around eight inches taller than Seth, but this is what Seth thinks their height difference is. And honestly, Jan gloats over it, so he does too.

Seth Adams Jones and Jan Kees’ relationship with him is one of the most complicated things in Jan’s life. He can’t decide if he loves or hates the guy.

I’d like to thank Talia and also Talia for my life. -Jess

Jan Kees came into the original thirteen colonies in a lot of turmoil, and Seth didn’t help. Jan Kees had lost his only parental figure at the time, couldn’t speak much English, was a Dutch Protestant rather than a Puritan, and had Jewish younger siblings.

Needless to say, when one of the first memories you have of someone is getting into a fistfight with them for stealing your brother’s Magen David, you have gotten off on the wrong foot.

They eventually figured out some sort of antagonistic truce, and half-cooperated long enough to see themselves through the French-Indian War, and during the lead-up to the Revolution, Jan had a horrible realization, that he had a lot of feelings towards Seth. So in classic Protestant fashion, aka conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know, he pretended those feelings didn’t exist. He went through the revolution as a spy for George Washington wishing that he was literally anywhere else doing anything else like maybe fighting with his crush by his side but also no I don’t have a crush on him God I’m a mess, help me.

Also, kinda awkward when your crush mistakes you for an actual redcoat and shoots you at one point when you’re trying to bring in your spy reports.

Jan’s crush remained pretty steady until after the Civil War, when it slowly began to fade over the next fifty years (in canon, Jan ends up dating @bottot‘s Florida, Marco). However, in many AUs, it just keeps simmering in this idiot forever until eventually, somehow, it slips out.

They continue to have a semi-antagonistic friendship, because really to Jan, is it worth knowing someone if they aren’t at least a bit of a fucking bastard? (He says, crawling out of the Boston Harbor for the sixteenth time this year after Seth threw him in.)

And, when times are tough, they can set aside the bullshit and be there for each other. Because you’re my oldest frenemy, damn it, I need you to help get me through this.

Michigan

Ever end up as the primary mentor of a kid who thankfully ends up nothing like you? That’s Jan Kees and Fatima in a nutshell. Fatima had been around for a while as a very small and sometimes struggling personification, but when the Erie Canal opened, so did a whole new world of settlement from the northeastern states, and trade, with New York being the center of it. 

Jan served as a primary contact between Fatima and the world for a while, and even bought her her first translation of the Quran when she admitted to being curious about Islam. But in some ways, most importantly to her, he introduced her to Elijah. She and New Jersey somehow hit it off, even with totally opposite personalities, and now she’s practically his sister-in-law, so at least she tolerates his bullshit really well.

Florida

This just in: The moment Elijah realizes Jan Kees liked Marco, he had Jan’s type in men pegged to a T.

Marco is a bitter old salt whose approach to life is “Fuck it, if it doesn’t kill me, it’ll be something I can tell stories about later”. Full of salt, short, and ready to argue with anyone who will let him, he and Jan have interactions eeirly similar to some of Jan and Seth’s interactions.

But Marco also has a way of bringing out the kid in Jan again, making him do ridiculous things and actually having him enjoy it. Finally having their first proper meeting right after the Civil War, they were pretty wary of each other at first, but over time, a begrudging respect formed, followed by begruding affection.

They might not admit it, but they’d literally cross a war zone for each other. 

At the same time, they have some things in their relationship that are a little explosive and tense. Marco is jealous of several other states who had short-term relationships with Jan since he used to be very promicious, and can hover a little too much in Jan’s space at times because of that. Meanwhile, Jan can be overprotective and stifle Marco with good intentions and concerns. But they’ll eventually set aside the argument, talk it out, and then go to bed together that night, with Hamilton and Pink treating them as their own private heating pads installed on the mattress.

In the end, they’ll never get used to the other’s weather, but they’ll never stop enduring the heat/cold to see each other either. They’ve both waited long enough to have something good like this, and they’re both too stubborn to let go.

Other States-Brief Thoughts

Vermont- Jackass. Rarely calls Ethan by name, since he fought so damn hard to be Vermont.

Rest of the NE besides Vermont and Massachusetts- Eh, assholes, but I’ll live.

Pennslyvania- Is this actually food or are you poisoning me?

Virginia- Oh, fuck off, you got the capital, but I’ve got the banks.

California- Stealing your money, power, glory, and fame since 1849.

Oregon- Feral tree child.

Washington State- Attractive. Slept with her a few times after WW2. Got threatened by Roberto for it. In retrospect, California was probably right but still. Ouch.

Kansas- Yeah, the appropriate way to get over your crush on Massachusetts probably isn’t to sleep with the girl he considers his daughter. Funnily enough, she ends up dating Washington State later, so that happened.

RANDOM FACTS

-In the Statetalia Canon I’ve created, Jan Kees is the Original Yankee because England misheard his name as Yankee. He referred to Jan as this until Jan knew enough English to correct him.

-He ran away to Canada in 1940 and joined the Canadian Army in response to the invasion of the Netherlands and continued US inaction. Alfred didn’t know until Matthew sent him a telegram that basically said “Yeah, I have custody of New York until the war’s over, bye!”

-Sports team rivalries are his life. I, Jess, know nothing about sports.

-Speaks Dutch, Iriquios, Yiddish, Spanish, Italian, Quebecios French, Mandarin, and English. 

-Major insomniac, has no really well established circadian rhythm. 

-A really good cook, actually! Too bad he prefers to order take-out.

[absolutelyalyssa]

Dear Ashley,

I haven’t written you a letter in almost two years. I don’t write letters unless I am angry, so I consider this an accomplishment. I suppose I’m breaking my own rule, then, because I’m not even angry right now--I just feel like I owe this to myself. I held so much pent-up anger towards you for such a long time. They always say that time heals everything. I don’t know who they are, but I can agree to an extent.

Truthfully I don’t think about you very much anymore. I deleted you on Facebook years ago and you never noticed (or if you did, you didn’t say a word). Recently, we became friends again, which I think is a big step towards forgetting this whole “burning bridges” thing ever happened. Or, more accurately, this means that our past doesn’t matter anymore. We’re adults now, and we’ve accepted that we’ll never be friends again. We’re acquaintances with a history, and nothing more. Maybe we’ll blindly support each other on Facebook but you’ll never catch us grabbing coffee. Social media is so strange--I have over 400 friends, but if you put me in a room with 85% of them, I would pretend we were strangers. It’s a false sense of security.

Anyway, in spite of everything, maybe I’m 95% over it, but there’s still 5% of me that has some feeling--I don’t know what--but some feeling, regardless. I catch myself refusing to like your posts still, although that might be because my philosophy has always been, “if they get over 100 likes on that photo, they’re not gonna notice or care that I was a part of it”. Maybe that makes me bitter, but I don’t care. I still get 30 likes or less on any given post I make, no matter how nice or beautiful I am. I will still never get as many likes as the bitchy girl from high school with her tits out. And no, Ashley, that isn’t you. (I’m trying to talk about anything else but you, in case you haven’t noticed. I don’t like admitting to myself that after all this time, a tiny part of me still cares, so I’ll write about any subject if it means distracting myself about what’s really going on in my muck-filled brain).

Isn’t it hilarious that when I got a Facebook message from you a week or two ago, I got a tiny bitexcited about it? Part of me actually thought you cared about me and wanted to see how I was doing. But, no, of course not--it was just a spam link. (Stupidly, I clicked it--I really hope I’m not unknowingly spamming every one of my Facebook friends now.) I remember replying, “What is this?” And you go, “Spam!” That was it. I replied with something vague that could have kept the conversation going if you wanted it to, but of course you read it and didn’t reply. You’re too important for me--some things never change. For some reason, I feel like I was the first person to let you know that it was spam you sent to everyone. You immediately made a status apologizing and saying not to click anything. I should have known anything you’d ever write to me wouldn’t actually be from you.

It’s hard, letting go of things. For fuck’s sake, I’m still bitter about the time in 8th grade when Marco broke up with me so he could date Sam. Of course I wouldn’t be able to let go of your friendship, no matter how toxic it may have been. I talked to Pat not too long ago about how everyone gets one or two “true” best friends in their lifetime. For him, it was his friend Matt, whom he doesn’t speak to anymore after a falling out during his senior year of high school. In spite of the bitterness he misses Matt and wishes they were still friends. I could say the same about you. It’s probably more comfort than anything else. To be clear, I wish I were still friends with the person you were when we were kids, not the person you are now. To be honest, the person you are now is NOTHING like the person you were then. But I suppose you know that. In fact, I think that’s the whole point for you. You’re ashamed of who you were, although I have no idea why. I liked the old you so much better. At least we had things in common back then, like hating ourselves, for example.

Remember that time in band class during senior year of high school when you stumbled upon pictures on my phone of my self-harm? If we were friends at that point, we most definitely weren’t anymore by the end of that day. You never talked about it again. Who’s the asshole here? If we were still 12, you would have been there--that’s the difference between then and now. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure Reggie Rappis heard and saw the whole thing that day, since he was sitting next to us with his baritone sax. Even he says happy birthday to me on Skype every year, and we were never friends.

I don’t know why I’m thinking about this now. I guess because I re-read all the letters I wrote to you under Kyle’s instruction two years ago, and although my words were sharper then, I guess I still haven’t moved on. At least, not completely. I would love to know what goes on in your head. I don’t think anything is happening there between your fashion and your culture and your friends. Like Spongebob, it’s fine dining and breathing. You don’t have TIME for nostalgia, at least not unless it’s for all that fashion-related nonsense you were involved in in high school and your bitchy friends whom you somehow STILL like. I really don’t understand you. Fuck, I don’t even understand myself.

I’m still learning, all the time. I’m still so naive. But in a lot of ways, I’ve grown up, more than a girl of 21 should be grown up. I look forward to smoking weed on Saturday nights if not to relieve my constant anxiety for a few hours.

What would you think about that?