#sorry to the other parts of pa but you all were very mean on twitter i hope tumblr is nicer

[mallrattz]

yeah whatever pittsburgh miku fuck it

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Wed 2 June ‘21

Louis sent a message to a fan looking for a hello after a major surgery-- “Get well soon mate. Sending you loads of love x”- and added that he hopes ALL of us are doing alright; I never doubted it Louis! Niall got a little more specific with his really lovely message today- “HAPPY PRIDE MONTH, BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. It’s your life, LOVE who you want to LOVE,” he tweeted! THANKS GUYS.

Liam though, Liam was all over today! He checked in on his way to play golf, on his way back from playing golf (with videographer Conor!), posted comments on discord, joined a new chat platform (Telegram; 5 minutes into Telegram and chill Liam was like OKAY it looks like we may need some moderators for this app lol YOU THINK?), he did a whole 25 min live, AND checked in even later to say he’d just had a shower and was about to play a new video game! New news of the day-- he is going to host a Veeps show showcasing new artists in July!! NEAT! His post about how his team forgot to turn off notifications on the phone they set it all up on for him on is really funny, YIKES; “this used to be an iphone now it’s just a bell” he joked, with video of the phone frantically chiming nonstop (“the power of you guys still blows my mind to this day”.) Also he said that he was very busy getting ready for June 15. Why, you ask, what is on June 15? UH? IDK?? He has so many things coming up? But that’s the NFT I think, which I KNOW a lot of people are mostly not that excited about but I will say that while I don’t care about the technology, I am excited to see Liam’s artwork he’s working on for it (which hopefully the purchaser will share with us), and Liam is truly so excited about the platform, he’s really trying to talk us into it. More on that in a sec...

But let’s get to the other parts of Liam’s live first. He has that new song coming, about which he said “it’s one that I’ve written the most on so far actually, as a single, I’m excited to say my own stuff for once a little”, love that. He’s still coughing but says he’s tested repeatedly and it isn’t COVID, and that he’s gone vegetarian recently, and he says the chat channels were inspired by seeing people using the veeps chat rooms even after the show ended, not wanting to leave. And he talks about 1D- about the notifs mishap he said “back in the band we used to wait for people we didn’t like to leave their notifications on and then we would like- oh make sure you follow this person on twitter! And then their phone would break for days- if someone did something that annoyed you.” HAHAHA where’s my masterpost of people who annoyed them 1D told us to follow, PLEASE? And also “it’s hard sometimes you’re watching people stories from afar that you used to know so well and that can be difficult… we’ve all felt this at different times me and the boys… it’s almost like missing a very dear friend a lot of the time but everyone’s so busy… I’d love to get us all in a room somewhere sometime” aww. But also he said he talked to Harry recently, “really a lovely call, he has a sixth sense for if I'm struggling or if one of us is in trouble, I spoke to him and it was a really lovely catch up. I have a lot of love for the man, he's really, really great"; well I wish Liam wasn’t stuggling but that’s lovely. And Louis too! "I spoke to Louis, I wanna say yesterday. We speak a lot, there's just a lot of laughing about random crap," he said, plus some Louis memories- “I can just hear his laugh in the back of my mind. We once broke into one of the stadiums in America and got chased by a woman… on one of those cop type things, a mall cop thing, and that was quite crazy. He also left me on my own while I was being arrested nearly by a French policemen that I had to push over… which that still scares me to this day. [laughing] That’s what friends are for! I helped him over the fence to get in somewhere, he left me with the policeman, who didn’t have a clue who I was and tried to arrest me even though I was just trying to go into my hotel.” UMM sorry I can’t hear anything past LIAM PUSHED OVER A COP?? Go ahead, make a list of ‘1D members most likely to fight a cop’ and if Liam isn’t DEAD LAST you’re just wrong and yet HERE WE ARE!! WHAT A DAY.

But alas rather than fighting cops now Liam is partnering with an entrepreneur (which I have had to type so many times in the last two days thanks to Liam that I guess I know how to spell it now they just keep SAYING it SO MUCH). Steve Bartlett said “the secret” is out, he recorded a podcast with Liam yesterday-- I’d call secret a bit strong, we had actually got that mate, but okay; he called Liam an entrepreneur and said “yesterday I recorded one of the most powerful, honest, REAL conversations on my podcast to date” and “if you love Liam you’ll love this.” I can absolutely guarantee you that is not true, I love Liam and already hate everything about this collab, but his wording does make me think we’ll get a bit of Liam’s trademark emotional spillage which I suppose I might appreciate despite this self help CEO guy being there too. Liam does have one thing to say that could sway me in this guy’s favor though- “he has the cutest dog ever” apparently! Anyway I may as well get used to him he’s suddenly everywhere-- Liam also patched him into his live to try yet again to convince us that NFTs are good by awkwardly relating it to “fans of boybands” by saying you know this could eliminate like fake tickets and such… Sure Steve sure but anyway he also says of Liam, “the guy you see on camera is the exact same guy off camera”.

Harry and Olivia were seen together in London (well, a grainy ass video of their backs was seen anyway), walking, with some people who look to be her parents and Harry’s PA (so romantic! Not at all work related!) I was initially skeptical of the claim that it was her parents since this fandom is obsessed with saying everyone is so and so’s parents (we’ll NEVER top the time the fandom was sure Harry was seen having lunch with Eleanor’s father though) but it actually seems like maybe it was. More for Harry to add to his collection, that man truly loves an extended family! I mean the whole thing is sketchy as hell, from the assurance that that’s DEFINITELY actually Olivia in the grainy video, FOR SURE, to the confirmation that that’s her mom with them which came when a blank insta page produced a random old picture of her mom in the same skirt, but like is it them, sure I imagine so, and people making sure we get the story anytime they’re together isn’t exactly new. In other news, Dave Meyers, director of the Adore You music video, says he originally pitched the Eroda story idea (“I have this idea, of you love- liking a fish”) to Katy Perry and the Black Eyed Peas, ASJKJASKL CAN YOU IMAGINE?

[nyaheum]

My yearly list of Eurovision songs after the first impression (I mean, for like, half of them. I heard snippets of some songs.). Judged on music videos, because...if I only listen to the songs on Spotify, my eyes get bored. :’)

(oh, and don’t talk to me about iceland’s placement, I know this might be unpopular)

X. Belarus

Fuck Belarus, all my homies hate Belarus. Not even going to grace them with a rating.

Norway (TIX – Fallen Angel)

...no. :( And it’s not even because Keiino didn’t win, I just wholeheartetly hate this song. And I’m kinda sorry to TIX, because he seems like a cool dude and his stage outfit is absolutely hilarious, but oh my god do I hate this song with an absolute burning passion.

Poland (RAFAL – The Ride)

eye emoji mouth emoji eye emoji – well, this is a non-qualifier if I’ve ever seen one. Can we just...skip this?

Belgium (Hooverphonic – The Wrong Place)

Nap time! This song annoys me. I cannot explain it, but it gives me a headache and my whole body is revolting against this song. I am not kidding. Objectively, I don’t even hate it, but there’s just something about it...that makes me go...hnghgng…

North Macedonia (Vasil – Here I Stand)

eye emoji mouth emoji eye emoji ver. 2 – I am not trying to sound mean, but does North Macedonia do any music that is not dramatic power ballads? I’m serious. (And I don’t like it, sorry. :((...except for the high notes, I like them. When he can hit them live.)

Estonia (Uku Suviste – The Lucky One)

This (the music video)...is soft porn. I am slightly scared of Uku. I don’t know why. But, uh...this is better than last year’s song? Still, it wouldn’t qualify under my watch, whoops.

Georgia (Tornike Kipiani – You)

He stopped yelling angrily at the microphone. :((( Nah, but this isn’t my thing. It’s great that they are doing their own thing, it’s just not really my thing...it also reminds me of a song I know, damn.

Austria (Vincent Bueno - Amen)

He looks like a german youtuber. I don’t know hich one, but he looks like one. I also canot tell if he’s 18 or 38, lol. (For some reason he also reminds me of Alex Albon, which is even weirder.)...oh, uh, the song? Idk, I don’t care for I. It’s fine.

Spain (Blas Cantó – Voy A Querdarme)

Confession: I’m probably the only person who actually doesn’t like the sound of Spanish all that much. Whoops. Apart from that though, I’m not the biggest fan of this song. Can’t really say more about that. Meh.

The Netherlands (Jeangu Macrooy – Birth Of A New Age)

Listen: I really like the tone of this voice. It’s great. I am not a fan of the song. There’s something just very off about the loud percussions (?) in the background that make me go absolutely crazy when listening to this. My sensory-overload-prone ears hate it, and I’m sorry...the part before the last chorus on the other hand I love. The whole song could have sounded like that and I would have loved it. (...and I can’t unhear “You are my broccoli – You know my broccoli!” ;-;)

Azerbaijan (Efendi – Mata Hari) Whenever I see Efendi, my brain still goes “Cleopatrrrrra!”, oof. This song sounds like a song I know. Which...is super unprecice, but I genuinely don’t know which one. I do like that they kept the weird pre-chorus thing from Cleopatra (and reference the song later on), but I must say that I liked Cleopatra more...but it’s a party song, so I think it will be fun on stage!

Romania (ROXEN - Amnesia)

I didn’t like her song last year, I don’t enjoy this all too much and I’m kinda sorry but also...I don’t want to apologize for my taste in music, lmao. I want her hair though. Give me her hair.

Denkmark (Fyr & Flamme – Ove Os Pa Hinanden)

Ring ding ding, native language bonus. This is also way more fun than I thought it would be, hah. VERY retro, but I don’t hate that? :D (this and sweden really aren’t any different in terms of how much I like them)

Portugal (The Black Mama – Love Is On My Side)

I can appreciate this. I just wish it was in Portuguese, honestly. I don’t really know if I like the English for this song. That being said, I don’t know if you can make these very specific tones (you know what I mean) in portuguese without it sounding super off, so…

Ireland (Lesley Roy – Maps)

Okay, you do you Ireland. :D

Israel (Eden Alene – Set Me Free)

This exists. :D

Cyprus (Elena Tsagrinou – El Diablo)

Cyprus came to party, and I can’t be mad at that. I just don’t know why everybody in the YouTube comments loves this SO MUCH that they are sure that it will win if it gets the jury votes. I don’t think it’s as good as Fuego or She Got Me were, but maybe I just have no taste in party music. I don’t party. (Only if you got a 2000s playlist and some iced tea.)

France (Barbara Pravi – Voilà)

FRANCE sending a BALLAD? In MY Eurovision? It’s more likely than you think. It’s good, objectively. Personally, I don’t really care for it all that much and feel like I already know it.

United Kingdom (Embers – James Newman)

A good, modern song? In my british eurovision song? What happened on the Isles over quarantine? Are you guys okay? Did you find yourself? Have you taken your last breath (breath!) and looked at your past results? I’m impressed enough to put this relatively high, wow.

Serbia (Hurricane – LOCO LOCO)

*adore delano voice* party! Oh, and native language bonus...for a party song! I’m...impressed, actually. I cannot decide wheter I prefer this or Hasta La Vista, but I think it’s this one? The flows smoother, if that means literally anything.

Bulgaria (VICTORIA – Growing Up Is Getting Old)

*shrugs* I think a lot of people will like this. And I get that. I think I even understand it...yeah. I didn’t like her song last year either. It’s just personal preference, I think. I just want to have fun during Eurovision, hah.

Finland (Blind Channel – Dark Side)

Finland: FUCK YOU!!! Germany: Fuck you. <3

That’s all I’ll say, we know how the Finnish are, this is not surprising, lmao. (And I’m one of those children that grew up on Rammstein, so I legally cannot dislike this.)

Croatia (Albina - Tick-Tock)

Tick-tock, can you hear me go tick-tock? My heart is like a clock, I'm steady like a rock-...oh wait, wrong tick-tock! Still, really enjoy this song’s chorus – I actually enjoy it so much that it makes up for the utter loss of interest I experience once it’s over, chrm.

Sweden (Tusse – Voices)

I mean...let’s be honest, it’s a generic swedish pop song. It sounds like every other Swedish entry, and I think that bothers me. I know, that sounds kind of...weird, looking at my choices higher up in the list, but...meh. I think this will easily qualify for the Final and place high, and I am totally okay with that. It’s just not...what I wanted, I guess? :D (and i’m sorry but as a german-speaker I cannot get over the name “tusse”) (oh, and tusse seems to be super cool)

Albania (Anxhela Peristeri - Karma)

Oh, we’re going to war in 130 A.D.? Fine, let me just pack my spear and- oh, Albania has already sent a singer? Ah, well, might as well give up and just vibe.

Czech Republic (Benny Cristo - omaga)

This sounds fun. Not a winner or anything, but fun. I’ll probably still be on Twitter when he’s performing, whoops.

Slovenia (Ana Sklic - Amen)

Wait, there’s TWO songs called Amen? And why do I actually kinda like this? Oh well, might as well just accept it. (Her voice though...mhmmhmhm…yes please)

Iceland (Dadi og Gagnamagnid – 10 Years)

We just vibin’. I liked Think About Things more, but I’m very much biased here...because I’ve known that song for a year now. But this is still very good, and very on brand. (And I understand like...half of the lyrics, but I am okay with that.)

Australia (Montaigne - Technicolour)

not australia flexing at all of europe that they can hold big gatherings! D: oh, but I like this way more than last years song. I feel like Montaigne can show her GREAT voice way better in this song. (Even though her outfit and the sound of the song reminds me of the UK song that had...a dude run on the stage. I can’t think of the word for it right now.)

Malta (Destiny – Je Me Casse)

Destiny’s voice is just….wow. This is very different than All My Love, but it’s fun. The topic of the lyrics kinda remind me of Toy, and I like that…..I don’t really like the music video (especially the dancers in the colorful dresses? idk), but I’ll just ignore that.

Germany (I Don’t Feel Hate - Germany)

Confession time: I actually actively enjoy this song. Everybod is shitting on it, but it’s FUN and it has a good message, and Jendrik seems like the nicest dude ever and...it doesn’t deserve all the hate it’s getting? It’s completely self-produced and just fun. Stop being mean. :(

(...also someone on youtube said “pewdiepie” and I can’t unsee that now so fuck you >:((...no, no I don’t feel hate, just rethink your life choices)

Moldova (Natalia Gordienko - SUGAR)

What in the “Eis.de ist in der Kiste” is this music video? And I thought I would absolutely hate this song, but I actually don’t mind it all that much. It’s actually fun. Oh no, I’m splipping, someone catch me, aaaaaahhhhh….(and that poor cake dude. Is this song about cannibalism? Does she want to eat him?)

San Marino (Senhit – Adrenalina)

Catch me hum the chorus of this song at least once a day...but honestly, without any malicious intent: what the actual FUCK san marino? This is so much better than Freaky, and even though I do not believe for one second that this will win, the simple outragiousness of bringing Flo Rida to Eurovision deserves attention. (Bringing someone like Flo Rida to ESC sounds more like Scandinavia/Bulgaria, doesn’t it?)

Russia (Manizha – Russian Woman)

Not gonna lie, I miss Little Big, but at least they are sending something that’s at least as weird. I love that. Russian Rap is cool as fuck anyway, so I’m fully here for this...but I’m glas this song doesn’t have a music video, this just has to be a live performance. (Oh, and another strong woman!)

Ukraine (Go_A – SHUM)

I’m SO glad Go_A are back. But, let me be completely honest: I know why they had to change the lyrics, but I still liked the first version better. BUT I feel like the new one will grow and me and it will climb one or two places, because the Instrumental just slaps SO HARD. (Makes me feel like putting on a Cybergoth outfit and start dancing at a German industrial park, lmao.)

Latvia (Samanta Tina – The Moon Is Rising)

Does this count as my guilty pleasure this year? I loved her song last year, and this sounds similar, so...I like this too. It sounds modern as fuck (well, for Europe, you know) and I can definitely...”vibe” with that. I genuinely really enjoy this, and I don’t know why. (Even though I prefer last years drop.) A lot of “strong, independent women”-songs this year, and I’m not complaining.

Switzerland (Gjon’s Tears – Tout l’Univers)

Just so we’re clear, this and Italy share the exact same spot. I just cannot compare them at all. Gjon’s voice just takes me hostage throughout this whole song and won’t let me go. And everything that isn’t english/is in the countries offical language immediately gets plus points from me. As if this song needed them anyway.

Lithuania (The Roop – Discoteque)

Aaaaaand...dance break! Good, I just love them so much, it’s not even funny anymore. And I’ve been singing this song randomly since it came out. I can’t stop. It has burned itself into my brain. Let’s dis-co-teque right at my home! *waves arms around with no sign of coordination*

(and does anyone else feel like he’s serhat, just with a different alignment? Like, they are both chaotic, but serhat is chaotic neutral and he’s either chaotic good or chaotic bad, it really depends on the way he looks at the camera)

Italy (Maneskin – Zitti E Buoni)

Italy delivers, as they do every year. Not only do I really like this song (it is very much my genre), THIS is an aesthetic I can get behind! Knowing Eurovision, I doubt it will win, but damn if it won’t be super fun! (I am so glad this won Sanremo, hah.)

[edrodgg]

My Candy Love - Love Life | Episode 5 Guide | Nathaniel

Outfits:

The first is for Nath / Hyun.    

The second is for Castiel / Priya.  

The third is for Rayan.

~ Translated content, so wording may be slightly different in My Candy Love.

Negative answers ( - )

Positive answers ( + )

Neutral answers ( / )

PA: 1350 ( approx, with Agatha ).

Nath: Ah ... do you want me to go?

Evidently! After experiencing the stress of the Cozy Bear for a month, we will toast his rebirth! ( / )

Oh ... well, well ... do what you want. ( / )

Why? You do not want to come?

Nath: Or worse, with some rich old men who explain contemporary art to me ... and as a gift, who also explain life to me!

So are you afraid of art lovers ...? I just dropped a myth. ( + )

I would have liked, yes. But anyway, I'm not going to force you.

But I would love for you to come. I want you to be by my side for the occasion.

Hyun: Well what do you say? Do we record?

I prefer not to ... When I see everything that is happening to Castiel, I do not feel like exposing myself online. ( - )

Okay, why not?… Anyway, it's not as if the same thing could happen to me as to Castiel. ( + )

Nina:

But then, you haven't told me ... Who is the lucky one?

It is normal to be on the nerves when you are ... in love. ( + )

Agatha is at the entrance to the university, before going to Leigh's shop. :)

Gabin: By the way, he and Leo have gone on vacation for fifteen days. A little respite, go ...

Than!? It's disgusting! I thought they were friends ...

But why? Precisely, it's time to support each other, right?  ( / )

Gabin:

You are right about Castiel. Although he will never show it, he must feel sorry that his friend does not call him.  ( / )

Honestly, your friend goes too far not responding. For him, Twitter is right and Castiel is a thief! 

Gabin: I think he wants to talk to Castiel, but since the record company does not trust him, he is afraid of being like the black sheep.

He is also not asked to leave the label.  Simply call a friend when you're having a bad time. ( / )

In any case, he's not scared of being a bad friend… While on vacation, Castiel is savoring him.

Rosa: Well, anyway, I imagine we will know when we should know ... But this silence does not tell me anything good ...

Poor ... he was not doing well on a professional level ... and if it's over between them, it's like going back to the starting box. ( - )

It is not easy ... But hey, between us, if it was over between them, Alex has looked for it a bit, right? ( + )

Rosa: However, passion, by nature, is made not to last ...

He has always been a romantic ... ( / )

Don't you think that passion can last? However, you and Leigh ... ( / )

Rosa: Do you think I see him with the eyes of a high school student who is experiencing her first crush?

I do not agree! Look at me, we still have the passion!

It is true that seen like this ... It would be rather ridiculous. A couple evolves. ( + )

Leigh: Hello Candy. All good? Hasn't she knocked you out with his psycho-blabla? I've heard it from afar ...

Haha, no, I'm fine. At least she likes her job! Also, you're right. ( + with Rosa )

Let's say we want it as it is ... ( - with Rosa )

Castiel: Candy! What are you doing here? We had arranged?

No, it's just that ... I went to see how you were. I'm worried about you. ( - )

Wow, you seem happy to see me, I'm very happy ... Can't you come to see a friend in an improvised way? ( + )

Castiel: And do you really believe him? I don't know what to think ... I just get all of this fed up.

I think Gabin is wrong about Zack. I think he is just an opportunist. ( - )

Not everyone reacts the same way to stress. Apparently he only knows how to do like an ostrich. ( + )

Castiel: Without forgetting all the videos that will not stop appearing ... I'm not sure I want to give the matter a boost ...

Come on, Castiel ... I would like to celebrate the salvation of the gallery with all my friends. If you don't come, it won't be the same ... ( - )

Since when do you let other people's eyes dictate your behavior? Who are you…?  ( + )

Eric: My parents traveled a lot for work. They are musicians.

It should not be easy to grow up without having your parents at home ... ( / )

Musicians? I did not know, I did not know it! It must be great that your parents are artists. ( / )

Eric:

I'm not used to hearing people talk like that, I find it funny. ( + )

The truth is that sometimes I would need an interpreter to understand you.

But I like it. It has a certain charm! ( / )

Eric: He's not in trouble, is he? If that's the case, you know you can count on me ...

Can you keep a secret? It is important... ( / )

Oh, no. Well, not that I know of. But he told you what he was doing here, right? A story of ... I don't remember anymore, I've only brought them coffee. ( - )

If you participate in the video

Dan: It is a matter of principle and elegance. Do you understand

Excuse me, but if I take care of the organization of the event I am free to do the promotion as I want, right?

No problem. There will be no more videos. Roger that. I would not like to contradict you ... It was just ... ( + )

Dan: Just like tattoos! What do you think, Candy?

I ... I really don't have a clear opinion on the subject.

Sorry Dan, I think tattoos are part of art too. I think a tattoo can be as exciting as a painting. ( + Rayan and Dan )

It is true that it is a pity that this artistic expression is so closely linked to its support ...

Nath: It seems that human nature does not evolve much, it matters little the level of education ...

This ... has a great sense of justice. It's another reason why I love him! ( + )

Nath! Stop. If you're going to be rude to my guests, I definitely would have preferred you to stay home! ( - )

Priya: So ... It would be nice if ... I'd really like to talk to her. What do you think?

Listen, if it's as important as you tell me, I'm going to introduce it to you. Although it was very clear about it last time. ( + with Priya / - with Yael)

I'm very sorry, but the last time was very clear about it. It is a delicate subject, I do not want to insist. ( - )

Alexy: Of course, it's true! We are at your house! Can you pay me a drink?

No way. You've had enough to drink tonight. ( - )

You know what? You and I are going to make a bet ... If you can drink a glass of water, invite the house! ( + )

Alexy: But I love him! Why didn't you want to hear me ...?

Don't you have a little idea why? I remind you that your behavior has not been ... irreproachable. ( + )

Calm down, Alexy. Anyway, you are not in the best state to think about all this ...  ( - )

Alexy: You see, Candy ... He has already turned the page ... Three years together and he is sleeping with another two weeks later.

And at the same time, can we blame him for wanting to turn the page?  ( - )

That doesn't mean anything, maybe he's just trying to feel better. ( + )

Nath: Well I'm glad Morgan is having a good time. He deserves it. I honestly think Alex screwed up a lot with this.

Yes. Obviously, I have not said so, but I think the same and have tried to make him understand. ( + )

True, but anyway what happened to him tonight is a bit harsh. I mean ... people make mistakes. ( - )

[harryandmolly]

fear and loathing in mandeville canyon *1*

summary: Shawn & Lilly, derailed, detoured, but maybe not destroyed

warnings: language, big angst but with a purpose

wc: 5k

+

July 2019

Lilly’s fingers are sunk into the curls at the back of his head, perhaps subconsciously clinging to something already lost. Maybe something she never even had.

His kiss is so brief. It’s a flutter against her lips, followed by a jerk of his head that’s so certain in expressing his desire to be away from her that he may as well have already said it. He steps back, the corners of his lips lifting, soft and timid.

Lilly’s fingers fall. He doesn’t catch them.

“No,” she whispers. Her chin starts to go first. She’s like a cartoon character when she cries. Her chin begins to wobble, then her pillowy lips. Her round cheeks get rounder. Her blue eyes go an eerie sort of green.

She’s watched it happen before, in mirrors when she’s alone. He’s seen it, too. But never from so very, very far away.

“I don’t…” she begins, her voice a painful rake across its cords, “I didn’t know.”

He’s appropriately solemn in that horrible way that feels schooled, like he practiced, like he’s getting through it to get through it. He hunches his broad shoulders, bows his head a little like he’s sorry. God, is he even sorry?

“I’m so sorry,” he says, and holy fuck, no one’s voice has ever hurt so much. She wants to rip it away from him, maybe that would cause him as much pain.

Her numbing fingers cup her arms across her chest, guarding her explosive heart. She can’t even look at him now. She used to think he wanted her to look at him. Did he ever?

“I don’t really know what to say,” he confesses, scrubbing at the back of his neck, keeping his eyes down at his shoes, “I never wanted to hurt you. I didn’t think she was ever going to want me.”

Lilly’s back hits the wall and it gets his attention. He blinks up at her, startled, then snaps back into well-trodden guilt.

He doesn’t have to tell her who he means. Anyone who was half paying attention could do that. Because even though he’s the one breaking her heart, she still gets to be called the fool who let him.

“I trusted you,” she breathes, and it’s acid, “When you looked at me, when you held me, when you loved me, when you told me it was me, I fucking trusted you.”

He looks somehow hurt now, like she’s hitting below the belt. Because how dare she question the farce he strung her along for, for his own erstwhile entertainment?

“Don’t do this,” he scolds, shaking his head like he’s the one who’s disappointed.

She is all rage, and it’s bliss. It’s jet fuel and it won’t last her and somewhere buried below the molten spite she knows when she inevitably burns through it, she’ll be just whatever’s left, but it has to ignite, it has to go somewhere.

“All this time, it was always her,” she seethes, dropping her head back against the wall because if she doesn’t anchor herself, she might take a running start at him, “Was it ever, even for a second, was it ever me?”

His heavy eyes drift shut. He looks exhausted. Lying is fucking draining.

“I don’t know,” he murmurs, and Lilly believes him. She shakes her head.

“You stupid boy,” she spits, watching as his eyes slam open again, offended, “You stupid fucking child.”

“Stop,” he grunts, defensive again. It’s a red flag to a bull.

She lifts off the wall, fists in her hair. “You had me so fooled. I thought you were so mature. God, you wore it well. The way you talk about your music and your family and your future. I thought you were a goddamn adult. No. You’re not. You’re a child.”

“You sound insane!” he cries, squaring off his perfect jaw.

“You’ve been waiting around for years. What do you think? You get a Calvin Klein campaign,” He scoffs and takes off toward the door, but she follows, “And now she’s suddenly paying attention, but whatever, it must be real? This is it? She’s finally yours? So fucking naive.”

He slams a solid fist against the doorframe. “You don’t know! You don’t know shit about us. Stop talking like you know anything. You’re fucking jealous.”

“Jealous!” she screeches, clutching her chest with both hands, choking on every breath, “Of course I’m fucking jealous! Were you waiting to hear me say that? Of course I’m jealous. Because I’m in love with you! While you had one eye on her and one hand on me, I was in this. I was all in. I love you. I love you! And you love her!”

For no good reason at all, saying it out loud knocks out the ignition. She nearly crumples. With an almost theatrically shuddering breath, she steps back.

He stares at her, bewildered. What could he possibly have expected? Did he really think she wasn’t going to remind him? Worse, did he really think maybe she was lying, too?

Lilly shakes her head, slow and deliberate, pressing a rolled up sweaterpaw to one of her gushing eyes. She is cracking apart. Part of her wants him to go so she can do it alone. The spiteful part wants him to watch what he’s done.

Lilly wonders if she’s waiting for him. She wonders where. At her place? At a hotel? Maybe she’s in a Lyft outside Lilly’s house. She almost wants to check. She manages to keep her feet planted because Camila Cabello is not worth life in prison.

“I just want you to know,” Lilly begins, and her voice is as painful coming out as it is to hear it, “That I really want to hate you. And that should mean something to you. I can’t hate you yet, but I cannot wait for that to kick in. Until then, I’m stuck with loving you. But know when you’re falling asleep with her tonight, brushing your lips against her hair, playing with her fingers, know that I love you, but I want nothing more than to hate you.”

Finally, the guilt looks real. Finally, the shock has his own breath shaking. Finally, she managed to set one little fire from the sparks of her blaze.

He leaves without another word. And she’s left with the wreckage.

+

March 27, 2020

Lilly used to read creepy stories on the internet. It was one of her many fads. She’d hunt through Reddit and Buzzfeed and Tumblr, trolling for words that made her skin crawl. There was a post once somewhere about the world’s shortest scary stories. 

The last man on earth sat alone in a room. Then came a knock at the door.

She’s been preoccupied by that one lately, but she’s unsure why. Maybe it’s because she’d rather be alone right now instead of holed up with seven roommates. Maybe it’s because she’s grateful not to be alone.

The stay-at-home order in Los Angeles has been in place for eight days. Lilly’s been home for ten, when production on her series shut down. No production, no need for a freelance PA. That night, she held her breath and applied for unemployment just like six million other Americans.

She’s gone a bit nocturnal, staying up until 2 or 3am and waking up around noon. She does yoga, paints her nails, washes her hair every day, which makes it brittle and dull. She re-paints her nails, then bites them off while she checks Twitter.

She talks to her mom, who agonizes about the choice to keep Lilly in LA though she and Lilly’s dad would so much rather have her home and close. Lilly’s mom has a respiratory condition that makes her immunocompromised. If she goes home, she risks her mother’s health. She can’t bear the burden.

She talks to her friends and coworkers. Everyone is still in a state of shock for the first week -- scared, anxious, not yet angry. The anger will come later. Lilly understands in her own much smaller way the convoluted route anger takes through fear and numbness. That anger that’s taken a merciful backseat in her mind in recent months feels completely unimportant now, when it crosses her mind at all.

She talks to herself a little, too. It’s not unusual for her, exactly -- being an only child, sometimes it was the only way to make conversation growing up. But more and more as she attempts to self-isolate in her basement bedroom, avoiding her roommates with more fervor than usual, she worries about her growing dependence on it.

When the knock at her door comes, she’s mid-sentence, telling herself putting on the leggings is the hardest part of a workout, and she should just fucking do it and--

It’s two short raps at the door leading to the pool deck. The scary short story flashes behind her eyes as she blinks quickly, startled by interaction from the outside world.

She waits a few beats too long before she goes to the door, pausing with her fingers on the handle. She decides to believe it’s one of her roommates that got locked out upstairs, even if somewhere deeper she knows it’s not.

He had backed up off her little porch after knocking. Lilly’s not sure if it was out of a respect for social distancing or a concern that she might take a swipe at him. Either way, smart move.

Words seem superfluous. Lilly prides herself on a sharp, well-delivered line, but combing through the tangles of her brain, she has nothing. And she’s disappointed to discover the clawing in her throat and the increase in her heart rate that indicate if she tries to talk now, she might just start crying.

“I’m sorry. I know I should’ve called.”

He says it like he definitely thought about it and decided not to. She probably wouldn’t have answered. He once knew her well enough to know that.

She continues staring, wrapping her arms over her chest. He lifts a hand into his shaggy curls, longer than she’s seen on him before, but not totally unkempt. She can’t say the same about his facial hair.

“I needed to talk to you,” he continues. He’s doing the thing where he ducks his head and looks up through his lashes to be sweet and non-threatening.

Ever heard of a phone?

Funny, you haven’t needed to talk to me in nine fucking months.

Nothing feels right, so her jaw stays locked. She continues staring.

“I don’t want to come in, I just got off a plane--” he starts, and she finds her voice.

“Did it look like I was about to invite you in?”

He blinks hard and shifts on his feet. “N-no, I mean, I didn’t mean it like that, I just--”

“Shawn, I have no idea what you think you’re doing here, but you need to say it quickly before I walk straight into the deep end and sink like a rock just to get out of this conversation.”

His pretty lips part. He exhales sharply. After a moment, he squares his shoulders and jaw and she almost has to look away because he’s staring straight into her and it makes her squirm.

“I made a mistake, Lilly.”

Lilly gives him one long, wary glance. She turns away, steps inside, and shuts the door.

+

Shawn bounds up to the door and watches, confused, as she draws back the curtains and lifts the light filtering blinds. A pane of glass sits between them.

“What are you doing?” he calls through to her.

“Social distancing,” she snaps, cocking her head and pursing her lips. He rakes a hand through his hair.

“Please come out,” he requests, dropping a heavy hand to the wooden frame of the door. She jumps a little.

“I don’t need to, I can hear you from in here.”

He goes from warm and sheepish to annoyed quickly. “What, are you scared of me?”

“Yes,” she says immediately, so honestly. He flinches and stares at her.

“You just got off a plane from Miami, you’re probably one big walking coronavirus.”

Shawn wets his lips and lifts a shoulder. “I didn’t come from Miami, I came from Toronto.”

Lilly’s ire is interrupted by her confusion. She knows he was in Miami with her. The paparazzi were at her house the day after they got there. Lilly doesn’t avoid the pictures like the plague anymore. They don’t cause insane, uncontrollable crying jags anymore.

He no longer has that kind of power.

“You went home?” she asks.

“Last week,” he reports with a nod, propping himself up with his hands on either side of her door. She thinks maybe he got taller. It’s unimaginable.

Lilly will not ask. He seems to have come here to tell her, so she’s not sure how much point there is in her not asking but a scraping in her gut tells her to cling to her pride.

He drops his head. His hair looks greasy. He exhales in a huff.

“What, Shawn?” she prods, voice raspy but harsh.

He lifts his head like it’s extra heavy. “I ended it.”

Lilly shuts her eyes. She hates every piece of this feeling, even hates that she can name them all, sort them alphabetically, can imagine putting them in little baskets like she’s been doing since last summer. She thought she was done with that. Why is he doing this?

She drops her forehead to the glass door and then springs off it just as fast, fisting a hand in her hair. It’s too close.

“I don’t know what to do with this,” she hears herself pant, maybe more to herself than him, “Shawn, what the fuck?”

“I don’t know,” he pleads, eyes wide and lost, “I just really needed-- fuck, I wanted… Lilly, I missed you. I just… wanted to see you.”

She presses her hands together in front of her lips like she’s praying for patience. “You… Jesus Christ, you have to see how crazy this is. I… Shawn, it’s been nine months. And… and you left me.”

The wrinkle in his brow deepens. He was expecting that. He cocks his head slightly and looks pained. “I know. I’m… I still wanted to talk to you after. I just didn’t know how.”

Lilly’s eye roll is so epic she feels the tectonic plates beneath them shift. “It’s hard to be friends with the woman whose heart you broke, I guess.”

Again, he looks wounded. He plays it off better now than he did during the actual breakup. Or until her final parting words, at which he did look genuinely hurt. It was her only consolation.

“I’m so sorry. You have no idea--”

“I have no idea how sorry you are?!” she finishes for him, jerking back to life, her voice reaching a dangerous pitch. Shawn squares his jaw to take it.

“You know normal people get to just unfollow, block, whatever, and they can hide from the person that dumped them and their new relationship? There was no hiding from you two. Especially when you made fucking zero effort to be modest at all. Shawn, I could not escape it. So how sorry you are is nothing compared to how sorry I am.”

Shawn’s hands slide off the door. He takes a little step back, but refuses to drop his eyes. Lilly stares, swallows hard, and looks away when it becomes too much.

“I wanted…” he starts, clears his throat, “Wanted to see how you are. If you need anything. I know, I mean, I remembered your mom has that respiratory thing so you can’t go home.”

Somehow hearing it out loud, maybe hearing it from him, puts her over the edge. Two hot, fast tears trickle down her cheeks. Shawn looks startled, then stricken.

“Is she ok?”

Lilly, embarrassed and angry, goes magenta and swipes at her face with sweaterpaws. “She’s fine. It’s fine. I don’t know why I’m-- It’s ok.”

Shawn still looks concerned. He shoves his hands in his front pockets. “And your roommates? Is everyone ok?”

If she had any sense at all, any hope of self-preservation, she’d lie through her teeth. He wouldn’t know the goddamn difference. But he knocked out her ability to reason when he brought up her mom.

“Casey is sick,” she croaks, bringing her palms up over her eyes. She shakes her head, “We don’t-- I mean, she can’t get a fucking test. Mae is staying with us and living with her in her room, taking care of her.”

Shawn looks horrified and half ready to come through the glass at a run. “Lilly, you can’t stay here.”

“Where am I supposed to go?” she snaps.

He searches desperately for an answer in the cool, muggy air around him. It’ll rain again soon. Another thing for Lilly to cry about.

“With me!” he finally spits, his eyes lighting up, “My place in Toronto. You can, I mean, the guest bedroom--”

“Shawn, no,” she grunts, “I’m not doing that. That’s… what? No.”

The idea of holing up with Shawn in his lavish but small two-bedroom condo is the kind of vision that would’ve made her knees weak a year ago. She would’ve killed for this kind of time. Now, she honestly can’t believe she’s hearing him suggest it.

Shawn seems to go back to the mental drawing board. Lilly continues shaking her head and sniffling, ready to reject any idea he comes up with.

“What if we stayed here? Like at a hotel or something?”

“I’m not staying with you at a hotel for several reasons.”

He starts to look a little frustrated, and it’s oddly gratifying. Lilly crosses her arms.

“Ok, a house. I’ll rent a fucking house. Lill, please. I know you hate me. I totally don’t blame you. Please let me do something good for the first time in a fucking year. Please. Let me do this for you.”

Her teeth come together sharply when he uses her nickname. He doesn’t seem to notice.

She shakes her head for what feels like five minutes. “I really don’t know what to do. The fact that I’m even considering this doesn’t make any fucking sense.”

It’s the boost he needed to let the tension in his shoulders drop. He tilts his head and watches her tenderly as she roils inside.

“Are you as scared as I am?”

Lilly blinks and looks up at him. With a deep sigh, she releases the anger she grabbed onto, the anger she’d stowed months ago, the anger she picked back up as soon as she found him on her back porch. It’s not permanently gone. She knows better than to imagine that. It leaves exhaustion in its wake.

“Yeah. I am,” she admits, swallowing harshly. She drops to the tile floor and watches as he slowly, carefully lowers himself to prop against the other side of the glass door.

He looks different. There are new tattoos she knows about -- the stories behind them, she doesn’t. He’s wearing his hair longer on the back and sides. She thinks she likes it that way. He has a pimple, probably from stress, on the right side of his forehead. And he’s staring at her like he knows her inside and out. She shifts uncomfortably against her side of the glass.

“I replay that night over and over again in my head all the time,” he admits, squinting toward where the sun halos the banana trees at the far end of her yard, “I can’t fucking believe I treated you like that.”

Lilly sighs again, heavy-hearted. “Shawn, if this is something you think I need to hear, you should just go because I’ve dealt with it. It’s over. I’m… I’m not mad at you anymore. I don’t want to be. And if you’re here to deal with your guilt then honestly I think that’s selfish.”

Shawn sniffs and nods slowly. “It is selfish. I am selfish. I was selfish then and I’m probably being selfish now but all I want is to make sure you’re safe. I came here to apologize. I don’t know what I wanted out of that, I don’t know what I expected. But now I can’t leave without knowing you’re going to be safe.”

He looks as sincere as she’s ever seen him. It’s like an out-of-body experience. Just an hour ago she would’ve bet serious money on never seeing him in person again.

She shoves her head into her hands between her knees. She groans, “I’ve probably already been exposed to it. I could get you sick.”

“I’ve been on three planes in the last two and a half weeks, I’ve almost definitely been exposed, too. But at least in a big house with space we can really self-quarantine without you dealing with your roommates.”

He’s perked up a little, lifted his head off the door. He knows she’s considering it seriously. He seems afraid to breathe the wrong way and change her mind.

She chews thoughtfully at the inside of her lip and is silent for almost a full minute before she speaks again. “You could just go back to Toronto. You could go home and stay at the condo for a while, then be back with your parents in a week or two. You could just go home, Shawn.”

A piece of her hates him a little for having that option when she doesn’t.

He looks absolutely certain when he nods, wets his lips, and speaks.

“I could. But I don’t want to.”

+

It’s less than 36 hours later when Shawn texts her the address. It’s tucked up in Mandeville Canyon, gated and quiet, he assures her. He says it like he went out of his way to find them a place out of the public eye and the cynical piece of her says that’s less for her than for him. From what she can tell on social media and gossip sites, no one even knows he left Toronto. For Shawn to get in and out of LAX without the Army knowing about it, she figures he must be serious about keeping a low profile.

She waits two hours before letting him know that she has to pack, pick up groceries and prepare her roommates for the idea that she might be gone a while.

By the time she arrives, thumbing at the keypad with the code Shawn provided to open the driveway gate, it’s almost 9pm. Pavilions was a post-apocalyptic nightmare and made her feel more alone than she’s felt in weeks since the pandemic picked up media steam in the US. She dropped over $200 on whatever stable goods she could get her hands on and enough fresh stuff she hoped to be able to freeze. Exhausted, and a little traumatized, Lilly turns off the car and steps out to look around.

On the outside, the house is surrounded by tall white stucco walls and expertly trimmed hedges. The windows are wide for light but obscured tastefully by tall palms and sun-scorched banana trees. On the inside, beyond the stoic gates, it’s a little wilder, but in a relaxed, thoughtful way. The bases of trees and plants are illuminated by lights, giving the home a warm glow from the outside in, though Shawn seems to have turned on every light in the house. Wrapped in lush greenness, the house is classic prohibition-era LA -- stucco walls, adobe roof, some Mediterranean and Moroccan influences in the rounded archways and mosaic accents. The windows are all framed in hunter green. Lilly likes that.

There’s a balcony wrapped all the way around what looks to be one room on the second floor. Lilly stares up at it thoughtfully until the side door by the kitchen slams shut.

Shawn practically leaps off the tile steps to the stone pathway, his grin bashful as he tries to smooth it down. He jerks a hand through his hair, which looks cleaner than she last saw it. He’s barefoot in gray sweats and an old t-shirt. Lilly’s chest pulses with the sensation to walk right into him for a kiss. It’s a bizarre phantom instinct that she almost has to physically shake off. She tries to smile back, but it’s a grimace.

“Hey. How was it?” he asks.

Shawn stays a perfectly reasonable six feet away, but it feels further. Lilly swallows.

“It was fine. The lines were long.”

Sharing the vulnerability of telling him how grocery shopping in the midst of a global health crisis made her feel seems too much to handle. So she pops her trunk and looks around while he eagerly loads reusable bags into his very capable arms.

“This place is like something out of a Nancy Meyers movie,” she marvels.

Shawn grins again, that kind of smile it’s hard not to smile at.

“You like it?”

Lilly mashes her lips together and nods, forcing the corners of her mouth up. Again, it feels false. She drops it with a sigh. 

“Sorry, I’m… really tired.”

Shawn looks at her suspiciously for a moment before his face clears up. He nods and heads for the door.

“I get it. I can show you your room. How much do I owe you for these?”

He gestures to the herculean number of grocery bags in his hands. Lilly reaches for the last few and shrugs, following him inside.

“It’s fine. You rented the house, I can pick up groceries.”

Lilly knows better than to imagine she won this battle so easily. It’s one of Shawn’s great joys in life to pay for stuff. It’s part of the Leo in him. But he seems to sense she’s not in a place to be argued with right now, about anything.

“I brought antibacterial wipes,” Lilly suddenly announces as the center island of the all-white kitchen gets cluttered with boxes and bags and containers and jars.

“Oh,” Shawn says with a grateful nod, clearly confused.

“The store was totally out of them but I brought some from home. And there was no toilet paper, weirdly,” Lilly muses.

“Huh,” Shawn murmurs, loading a bag of bell peppers into the vegetable drawer of the oversized fridge. Lilly watches, drumming her fingers against the white granite countertop. Shawn glances up at her as he sniffs and inspects the cabinets, deciding where to put the canisters of oatmeal.

Lilly shakes her head and backs up against the edge of the sink, crossing her arms. “This is so weird.”

“What?”

“Stocking up for the apocalypse in a mansion with my ex-boyfriend.”

Shawn looks like he wants to protest, but he shifts tactics. “Yeah. I guess it is weird. The whole fucking world is… weird.”

From six feet or a hundred thousand miles away across a countertop, Shawn and Lilly face each other. As for what’s between them, beyond the space, it will remain there for tonight and probably nights to come.

Shawn gives Lilly a truncated version of a house tour on the way to her room. He talks nervously, explaining that he took the master because he thought she’d want this room more, anyway. With each step, suitcase hurtling along noisily behind her over the stone tile, Lilly’s sense of panic grows.

This was a mistake. You’re insane to have considered it. Pathetic, even. Ridiculous. Immature.

Shawn wishes her a good night a few feet from the door. She smiles shallowly. Mercifully, the master bedroom is on the other side of the sprawling house. She waits until his footsteps fade to release her stress tears and gasping, short breaths.

The room is gorgeous. Simple white walls like the rest of the house with clean, neutral furniture, comfortable but stylish, with pops of color and lots of plants. Old California. But the real selling point is the balcony. It wraps around the guest suite and is accessible through wide set French doors. 

Lilly sits on the end of the bed and attempts to reason with herself. She squeezes her eyes shut. She’s had an overwhelming couple of days. She needs to sleep. If she’s still miserable in the morning, she can leave, Shawn and his pretty house be damned.

+

Lilly wakes up fully clothed, half under the covers of the enormous bed. The curtains are still drawn open. The room is so bright it could be noon. In frantic confusion, Lilly flips over her dying phone to check the time. It’s 8am. She slept for almost 12 hours. She’s not entirely surprised.

She cranks herself up to sitting and assesses. The exhaustion-fueled panic that had her half-ready to stride back to her car to take herself home is gone. Her suitcase is where she left it in the middle of the room. Her face is tight and dry from salty tears.

And she can hear him.

She knows it’s not recorded music. She knows it’s him. She even knows which acoustic he’s playing. It’s his favorite. Hers too.

On crackling ankles and knees, she stands and shuffles to one of the balcony doors, pausing with her hand on the knob. She sighs and bites at her dry lips, pressing her forehead against the glass, looking over the balcony into the gardens below.

He’s barefoot again like he almost always is in LA. He used to complain that it’s too cold in Toronto to go barefoot even inside when the heat is on. She used to tell him he imagined it. He’s bobbing his head and strumming slowly like he does when he’s playing through a few chords to decide where he’s going next. He takes big, slow steps away from the house toward a bunch of lavender bushes near the edge of the property. Before he can pivot and turn to head back the other way, Lilly steps back.

She glances at her suitcase. She’ll think about it again after breakfast.

+

Taglist: @smallerinfinities​ @the-claire-bitch-project @achinglyshawn​ @infiniteshawn​ @mendesoft​ @singanddreamanyway​ @alone-in-madness​ @abigfatmess​ @shawnitsmutual​ @awkwardfangirl2014​ @september-lace​ @sinplisticshawn​ @rollingxstone​ @randi-eve​ @fallmoreinlove @heyits-claire​ @itrocksmysocks​ @parkerspicedlatte​ @simpledomain​ @abeautiful-and-cloudy-day​ @thecurlsofgod​ @magcon7280​ @bensbuttercup​ @shawnsmusical​ @paigeasourous​ @tell-me-when-ur-ready​ @softmendesss​ @searchingunderthestars​ @buggy-blogs​ @mendesficsxbombay​ @siennarossi​ @lostinshawnsmemory​ @umbreakablesoul​ @sleepybesson​ @shawnsheaven

[problematicwelshman]

PW Replies to Anons

Wow!  So many anons!  Like yesterday’s, they’re all on a similar topic, so I’m going to put them all in one post.  See you below the cut!

Before I delve into these, I want to tell you a story about a woman whose husband was driving her mad.  She would notice things and he’d tell her she didn’t.  She would do things, or not do things, and he would tell her she didn’t, or she did. “The lights are flickering!”  “No, they’re not.”  “I saw this letter!”  “No, you didn’t.”  Little by little she was worn down, afraid to trust her own thoughts, afraid she was going insane.  All because her husband told her that something she saw wasn’t real.

This, my loves and lovelies, is the plot of the movie “Gaslight” and is where we get the term “gaslighting.“  While the story itself is fictitious, gaslighting is real, insidious, quite often the tool of a bully and at the very least is manipulative. Keep that in mind.

That said, let's get in to the anons, shall we?

Anonymous said to problematicwelshman:

Wait did i miss something ? I’ve loved Michael for a long time but am just seeing these posts - what happened?

Anonymous said to problematicwelshman:

I'm sorry, but I've just seen one of your posts on my dash and I'm not that much into "sheendom" at the moment, so could you tell me what did Michael do that everyone is grossed out by him?

These two address the most recent poor behavior by the Welsh thespian.  I believe @profileranon​ has the best analysis, so I’ll wait while you go read her post:

https://profileranon.tumblr.com/post/626191837609295872/anonymous-said-hi-pa-looks-like-michael-has

Done?  Everybody back?  Excellent. For those TL;DR among us, Michael once again had a hissy on Twitter, mobilized his “army” (their words, not mine) and very publicly blocked three accounts in a short period of time, resulting in the traditional “swarming of the stans” to those accounts.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE.

Three hours and HUNDREDS of replies later, including several calling for the Sky TV announcer’s head on a platter, and the swarming of accounts who thought he was overreacting (”Hit him with a chair” ?!  Really?), he changed his story. Again- I refer you to ProfilerAnon:

https://profileranon.tumblr.com/post/626199473433001984/right-got-this-so-3-hours-later-uhmmright

This, my loves and lovelies, is gaslighting.  He is saying that what his fans saw, his actual hurt/anger at what the Sky TV person said, and their subsequent actions, were wrong. That despite HUNDREDS of replies from people all thinking he was upset, he really wasn’t, hahaha, it’s a joke can’t you all take a joke.  Read the language.  “I hope it’s obvious…”  “It was very funny and the idea of me taking umbrage at it rather tickled me also.”  He knows it wasn’t obvious, and he knows very few people took it as such, but he is trying to manipulate the story, the fans, and their very real, very obvious reactions.  By phrasing it as he did, he makes people doubt their feelings- Was my first reaction wrong?  Was I supposed to find it funny?  It didn’t seem funny, maybe I was wrong?  Textbook gaslighter behavior.  (edited 8/14 from “textbook gaslighting”)  

------

Next we have an Anna Anon:

Anonymous said to problematicwelshman:

Sorry, what's wrong with Michael and AL? I didn't get it. I mean, I can def say what's wrong with them, but more about Anna, who was given so much credit and even an appearance on BBC One after becoming the mother of Michael Sheen's child... but I didn't really get what's wrong with Michael, except that he is a bit of an idiot? 

Oh Anon.  You really need to work on your research.  There have been tons of things written about her, and by many different sources.

Here are a few to get you started:

https://problematicwelshman.tumblr.com/post/626080164174069761/more-witty-commentary-from-anna-in-which-she

https://problematicwelshman.tumblr.com/post/625900659914473472/i-used-to-be-a-quiet-ms-stan-and-i-followed-all

https://profileranon.tumblr.com/post/625911322397261824/from-that-last-anon-it-got-me-curious-when-did

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And then we’re back to the sob stories.

Anonymous said to problematicwelshman:

What do you mean by "doesn't give a shit about you unless you have a sob story"? I mean... he doesn't have time for everyone, that's for sure, but why are you so harash about it? I'm sorry, since I'm not following him 24/7 atm, so I may not know something he's done recently... And if there's something that does make him look bad, I'd be glad if you were so kind to enlighten me on it.

Anon, I totally agree.  He doesn’t have time for everyone.  We don’t expect him to have time for everyone, do we?  And therein lies a problem.  This time I’m going to direct you to this blog for the hot take, with an assist from ProfilerAnon in the 2nd:

https://problematicwelshman.tumblr.com/post/625473127491780608/not-everyones-an-angel

https://problematicwelshman.tumblr.com/post/625475876031758336/hello-pa-im-an-ms-fan-in-twitter-just-wanted-to

Pay attention to this part: “A response or a like from Michael Sheen has become currency, with people doing all sorts of underhanded things to gather it.  What the hell is wrong with people who are so desperate for attention that they’d fake a sob story and tag a celebrity?  I’ve seen non-Sheendom Sheen fans joke that the only thing they need to get his attention is a heart in their Twitter name and a sad tale.  People are noticing.”

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And one final anon, by a different person than the other 4 in this thread (I see you, anonymous person):

Anonymous said to problematicwelshman:

Hope one day everyone in 'sheendom' will understand that he uses his fans for his own purposes and how manipulative he is. And yeah I hope one day they all will cancel him. He really deserves it no matter how much he has already given for charity. I don't believe that the man who 'loves humanity' could bully someone wherever.

From your keyboard to stans’ brains, Anon. I’m pretty sure they know but aren’t acknowledging it.  He’s shown that he’s petty and retaliatory to those who cross him on the bird app, and they don’t want to be next on the chopping block.  

So there you have it, folks. PW responds to anons.

[wispandwhispers]

moonboy

Notes: Writers block is a bitch, I’m sorry this took so long.

Pairings: Prinxiety, Logicality, qpr dukeceit

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Tw(s): Cursing, mental torture, one slight nsfw joke, death, crying

Words: 1884

"You've got your stuff?"

Some scuffling and overturning of a bag to double check that everything is in it.

"Yep.

"Do you really think that we are going to make it back for first bell."

"Naw."

"Call in the favour from Quill..."

*****

Roman woke up.

From those dreams.

And the screaming thoughts came back.

Don't think about it Ţ̚Ḩ͡Ī̧͖̪͉͓͌̊̂͝N͕̾K̝̟͗͗,̦̂ ̒͢T̡̫̪̄̾͛HI̡̫̮͑̅͂N̢̨̖̯̳̆͆͗͘̚K̦͔͑͋,͍̱͔̬̓͛̑̐ ͙̦̯͚̅͂͋̽P̛͚̰̟̩̟̾̄̆͂L͎͍̥͔̭̎͒̉̃͘Ẻ̲͈̬͖̄̿̒A̜̓S̩͒̏͜Ḛ͉͒͝ ̣̯̲̜̄̊́̄͞ͅL̦̏Ȉ̡͕͌̚ͅS̭̦̀̕-

He sighed. It's ok when he dreams about about a cute boy but damn him if he wants to think about it.

He walked down the stairs, the mental warzone fading to background noise as he grabbed his bowl and made himself breakfast.

He didn't have the energy to make anything fancy (the pounding headache the thoughts gave him took all of it).

Sitting down at the kitchen table with the cereal, stiring the milk idly, he turned to his side to talk to his-

Wait.

"Dad!"

"Yes, Kiddo?"

"Where's Remus?"

"He left with Janus this morning."

I thought they would a least give me notice before they decided to overthrow the government or decide to do something equally stupid.

"Thanks, Dad."

*******

Wroammin: Jan, what are you doing with my brother?

SnekSnekSeverusSnekDUMBLE- :Why do you ask?

Wroammin: You came to my house to pick up Rem before I woke up

Wroammin: And the sun just came up

Wroammin: The fuck are you two plotting and do I need a Hazmat suit or not

SnekSnekSeverusSnekDUMBLE- : I'm going to exercise my right of free speech

SnekSnekSeverusSnekDUMBLE-: By not using it

SnekSnekSeverusSnekDUMBLE- has blocked Wroammin

Wroammin: Fuck You

******

"Vale?"

Silence filled 3Q.

"Not here!"

Miss Quill took a pen out of her hair a jotted down a note on a scrap piece of paper, seemed to whisper something under her breath and do a small smile to herself.

"Xia?"

"Which one?"

"The virgin."

How the fuck does she know?

The class erupted into a symphony of laughter and mockery except for Roman, Virgil and Nyx (But Nyx was snoring so Roman didn't know to count it as a win or not).

Virgil looked over at his arch-nemesis, almost deciding to so something or not. He seemed to choose the latter.

And those eyes seemed the flair but it was just for one second, but it would be gone as quick as it started.

Roman placed his head on the table in embarrassment waiting for the humiliation to stop.

"...Here, Miss.."

(Virgil tapped Roman's shoulder).

"Yilton?"

(Roman lifted his head and gave him a a sharp glare. "Why the fuck are you speaking to me?")

"You can hear my voice."

( "Jeez," He lifted his hands in surrender. "This fell out of your man bun" The emo passed a pencil to the other.)

" Zander?"

(Roman snatched the pencil -ignoring the fact that it seemed to be glowing slightly- stuffed it in his hair and proceeded to give Virgil double birds).

"Xey're sick."

(Lunaper mimicked the action).

Quill closed the register tab.

"Ok mortals, take out your plann-"

The constant ringing of a bell that went on a little to long to be a period change.

The students sighed.

"Drop your bags and line up in register order in silence." The class groaned even louder but followed the instructions given.

Except Roman.

"Miss, it's raining buckets outside and someone in the staff probably just burned their toast, do we really have-"

"Xia,I told you to line up in silence!"

Even the older twin knew that trying to argue with Quill when she raised her voice was suicide so he slowly backed away and joined the line as he didn't bring anything that could cover him. And he was sure that someone was fucking with him as the rest of the class had brought protection except the emo.

Why the hell are you noticing I̘̒Ṫ͍͙͎̅͌'̛̯͎̐S̭̱̠̣͎̽̽̈́̄͠ ̳̥͖͂̋̇B̹̂É̯͙͚͕͂͌̕C̹͝A̙̮̱̓͌̀U͓̺̣̎̑̇Ś̳̣̮̀͑́͟E̲̦̓̽ ̘̫͑͑Y̬̠̊̄O͓͠U͈̓ ̢̟͎̅̽͋C̪̲̦̉̉͒A̰͎̔͘R̢̜̱̬͌̾͆͊̄͟É͈ ̨̦̺̓̇͞F̫͑O̖̕R̗̫͗̓ ̗̹̺̏͑̊H̩̼̒̇-him?

The pounding headache was back, like two parts of his brain where bitching with each other for some damn reason. He rubbed his temple to try and relieve the pain.

"You know the drill, walk in absolute silence to the plaza and wait for me while I get the paper register."

******

The class filled back in annoyed and wet. Turns out that a teacher had taken a cigarette break and the back of the the cafeteria block and that's what set off the alarms.

By the time they had returned, it was already half way into first period. Mx Spring had said that they should just consider this a free period and return to their homerooms. To pass the time Roman took out a his spare spiral notebook and started to sketch in it.

If you asked Roman what he drew during this time, he would know but not understand how he did it. He just remembered taking out the pencil he'd previously stuffed in his hair , an overwhelming calm rushing over him and waking up to find a scarily intricate version of the boy from his dreams on the lined paper.

This is the same Roman who would spend two and a half hours struggling to get the other eye just right was suddenly able to draw actual whole person in thirty minutes.

As the second period bell rang, he eyed his masterpiece warily and closed his notepad.

*******

Xia drifted off to the droning voice of his geography teacher, every though he knew that this was a crucial-

"Roman Xia and Virgil Lunaper, please make your way your way to the front desk, I said Roman Xia please make your way to the front desk."

The two boys stood up and packed up their stuff slowly, shrugged their backpacks onto their shoulders and quickly said by to their teacher.

******

"Holy shit, you're ok!" Roman was trying to wrap his head around why his Pa who was very reserved had tears streaking down his face.

"Of course I am, why wouldn't I be?"

"Haven't you seen the news?"

"...What did I miss.."

Pa just passed Roman his phone and everything started to make sense.

******

There comes a time where a person would resort to mindless substance to try and escape the cold, unforgiving reality of life.

Well, Roman was clocking his fourth hour on twitter so you knew where he was emotionally.

He didn't want to get up. He didn't need to either. Both of his parents were going to out for a while anyway.

Putting down the phone (He gotten sick of staring at it) and deciding to move to the living room wh-

Are those stones?

"Princey!"

Roman walked up to the window and drew the blinds open. The emo was stood on his steps with his headphones, accompanied with a purple and black leather jacket.

Disgusting A̛̮̠̞̰̔̆̂D̙̺̓͛ORẴ̧̹̯͞B̖͓̐͟͠͠L̡̞̍̃E̡̯̮̿͘͞

"Why are you here Jack Smelligton?"

"Wow, you upgraded to insults that have four syllables, ten points to ravenclaw!"

The attacked emitted a sound that could only be described as offended princey noises.

"How I am-"

Virgil pressed his finger on Roman's lips.

"Ravenclaws are witty, competitive and creative. For the fact that you have an endless supply of nicknames for me and you always try to out do your last attempt to piss me off, you would meet the criteria."

If he doesn't H̨̻͖̣̥̐̂̒͂̎I̯͈͐̈́S̯̪̯̆̔̋ ̭̤͆͌͑͢Ș̭͑̊K͈̈Ì̬̖̙͈̅̍͡N̟̤͎͔̊̈͌͒ ̞̃I͇̪͊̑S̗̍ ̺̬̦̔̉̓Ś̩͍̄O̠̎ ͕̙̟̓̄̾S̥̊O̢̭̿͡F̨͕̭̔̈́̽-͖̲̭̩̂̅̾̆move his fingers off my mouth, I'm gonna break them.  

Almost on cue with the thought, he removed it.

"I'm going to repeat my question, why are you here?"

Virgil took a step back and did a little chuckle to himself, with a shrug of shoulder that seemed custom fit.

God he's  G̻͈̪̱̑̂̕͞O͈͐D̞̞̻̀͊̃ ͌͜Ț͖̱͐̀̏͢͡H̞̒Ȧ̺̳͞Ṱ̃'͈̦͕͌̔͌͊͟S̬̀ ̨̢̫̬̤́̄̓͗͛S̹̺͉̭̉̀̔͗̿ͅẸ̫͒͞X͎̟̥̹̀̾̓͒Y̧̢̫͙͌̒̾͞  - insufferable.

"Because even I, your sworn enemy and nemesis til death drags us part, don't think that you should grieve over someone who isn't even dead."

"You mean-"

"Trust me, Remy is very much alive."

******

"How did you even find my house?"

"That's the most pressing question on your mind right now?"

"It truly isn't but let me start with the small ones before the big ones emerge."

Virgil was lying on the couch with his sneakers touching the furniture. Roman had let him in after claiming that Remy still had a pulse. He was scrolling through his feed and according to Roman's peripheral vision, it seemed to be tumblr.

("He actually uses the Queue?")

("Did you say anything?"

("Nothing you need to know.")

("You sound like Janus.")

Roman  glared at his feet.

"Take off your shoes if you are going to lay on the armrest."

"Fine!" He flinged his shoes at the other. It stained Roman's white tee.

"God, I hate you."

He pulled out both his earbuds and shots some finger guns at him.

"Right back at yah!"

Xia walked over and sat on the ottoman facing Lunaper.

"Let's get down to business-"

"TO DEFEAT THE HUNS!"

"Seriously, what do you mean 'Remy is very much alive', everyone with access to the internet saw what happened to him."

Virgil looked around, almost like he was scared of being seen or spotted or heard.

Did his eyes just change color?

"Look, I can't really tell you.."

"I'm getting sick of asking this, why are you here then?"

Virgil didn't respond.

"Why exactly are you here if you aren't going to try and explain-hmmmmm!"

Lunaper's was currently gagging his mouth with jacket.

" Stop speaking so loud."

Roman peered at the other.

"Whamt, ets not like whemre being watched."

"I'm just being- wait, give me a sec."

Virgil took the loose strand of Roman's hair and swiped it to the left.

I̛͇̜̺̦̎͐͠ ̘̂WA̹͍͘͡N̢̟͉̑̕͠T ͉̠̲̲̿̾͒̊T̥̮̍͞Ȏ̺̐͢ ̛̤̬̲̪̉́̏K̖̗̃̓I̧͕��̩̼̔̎̃̀̇S̩̫̏̓S̙͛ ̧̫̞̒̇̕H͓̯́̋́ͅI͈̻͙̋͜͠͞͠M,͍͉͍̼͌̌̆͆ ͓̭̦̾͒̅I͓͇̹̩͚͂͐͑͡͡ ̥̑W̹̰̯͈͛͛̾͛A̞̲̩̎̍͞N̳̟̻͆̄̚T̢̛̖̏ ͓̋T͉̪͐̓O͇̤̝͛͂̿ Ć͉̯͛AṞ̳̠̈̄͘E̼͎̞͇͊͗͋́̕͟Ș̆Ṣ̈ ̡̨̡̗͕̊̂̂̓͠F͎̏Ặ̼̯̠̅͊́C̫̜̾̉E̢̟̣͎̱̿̾͒͌͒,̣̠́́ ̡͇̪͑̊̃͟͞Ì̼͕͙̥̤͑̆́̕ ͇͗W̧̫͉̘̉̃͘͡Ă̟̘͝N͉̊T̫̟͐̄ ̢͋T̞̃O ̨̡̀̆̄͑͜ͅĎ̢̦̖̤͑̂̕Ä̝̯̪́̒̚͜͠N̹͔̘͇̔̉̐̐C̥̔E̪̖̝͉̱͋̎̾̔̒ ̡̻̤̀͐̉̄͜WǏ̜̩̟́̀͒͜T̙̆H̥̆ ̟͍͔̈́̆̕H̪̣̽̐I̡̺̯͌̑́M̨̪̩̱̜͆̏̌̋̕ ̖͎̀̚'̯͉̅̀T͔̦͇̙̔̾̊͜͠͡I͎̤̞͔̥̎̿́̚͝L̜̥̅̑ ̛͔͖̰̌͌̚͢Ș̘̗̀̿̎U͔͗N͕͓͊̆̋ͅ ̪̪̟͌̒͒̂͜R̲̻̪̋͊̅̏͟Ì̪SḔ̙͟,̨̰̩͚͒̈͂̚ ̧̜̱̀̆́̊͜

"Fumck!"

The emo removed the make-shift gag.

"Are you ok?"

Xia moved his hands to his temple to try and relieve the pain.

,̨̰̩͚͒̈͂̚ ̧̜̱̀̆́̊͜Ỉ͈ ̳̣̙̗̊̒̓̚W͕̐A̱̙̣̙͛̎̎̀̓͜N̫̳̔͘T̰̜̝͌͛̀ ̲̃T̯̮̪͗̋̒Ỏ̗ ̩̞̝̊̎̋H̛̭̺̥͛̚OL̛͎̝̹͇̂̀̚D ̹̰̬̈̚͝H̤̫͙̅̔͝Ị̞̱̓̾̚Ḿ̞,̾͢ ̲̟̹̫͆͐͑̅I Ẃ̪̫͘Ã͢Ņ̹̋́Ț̛͍̒ ̰̭͕̏̇̔T̛̬̲͋O͈͒ ̬̂Ṭ̛̣̓̍͢O͕̩̟̎̄̐͌̕͟͟U̖͌̽͢C̰͕̈̽H ̲̝̦̱̄͂̚͡H͕̳͒̈́IM̡̱͖͗̎͆, ͔͞I͖̰̽͠-̢̘̜̹͚̄͗̑̑͡

"FUCK, EVERYTHING HURTS, IT HURTS TO THINK, IT HURTS TO SPEAK, I JUST WANT THE PAIN TO END!"

"PRINCEY!"

"MAKE IT STOP, WHY WON'T IT STOP?"

"PRINCEY!"

"IT HURTS, IT REALLY DOES!"

"ROMAN!"

And just for a second the voices stopped, they stopped stabbing and scratching and just stayed still.

Just for a second.

"FUUCCKK-"

"ROMAN," Virgil took his face into his hands. "Roman, please open your eyes, I need to check something."

Following the instructions ( He didn't remember even closing them) he was met with pools of space and stars and a galaxy of colors that were now the eyes of Virgil and not the chestnut brown he seen less than two minutes ago.

“You have a veil, you actually have a veil..”

“ The fuck does that mean, Surly Temple?”

“It means that someone has blocked something from your conscious thoughts.”

“What?”

“That’s not important, what is would be the fact that you’re going to want to bite onto something because this is going to hurt and I don’t want the neighbours getting any ideas.”

For the second time that day, Lunaper stuff his jacket into Roman’s mouth.

“I’m sorry..”

Even with the jacket the screech the Xia made would probably beat his Pa’s infamous falsehood.But with the pain gone and the veil dropped he could now see everything so much clearer.

So the moment when Virgil took the gag out of his mouth, he pulled him close and claimed his lips.

[buckysforeverprincess]

What Do You Want From Me? Ch 17

Lance Tucker, OFC Claire

Words: 2024

Warnings: Language

A/N: Let’s see what happens when Claire comes calling. Enjoy!

The knock on his door was expected. He knew she'd come when he called, and he knew she'd wait until the morning to do so thinking she was doing it on her own terms. The fact is, Lance knew her type; pegged her from the beginning. That's the very reason he one and doned her. Come to think of it...that's why he did it to them all.  

Lance came out the womb wooing the ladies. His mother told him he had the attention of every single female nurse in the labor and delivery unit. Mama Tucker never saw it as a problem, so Lance didn't either. When he became a gymnast, his moves continued to draw the ladies in and it never stopped. He relished in the female attention and used it to his advantage. Lance knew he could have anyone he wanted, and when fame came calling...so did the beautiful women with ugly personalities. That was his type. The women who knew they could have anyone they wanted. The ones that weren't wifey material. All they wanted was to fuck, party, and have a good time. The one nighters he chose were the ones that normally let men do the walk of shame in the morning. Lance was smooth enough to turn the tables on each one of them. He never thought it would bite him in the ass later.

Lance opened the door to see Claire standing there with a huge shit eating grin plastered to her face.

“Miss me?” She blew him a kiss and he just rolled his eyes.

“Why, of course I did! Please, come in.” His tone was sarcastic, but he let her in nonetheless.  

Claire entered his house and walked right into the living room throwing her jacket and purse on the couch. What was it with these women acting like they own his house, throwing their shit around? Clearly, they have no regard for the cleanliness of his home.

“So, you changed your mind?” Claire asks him, ego bursting at the seams.

“About that…tell me why? Why go through this elaborate scheme just to get to me? Surely I'm not worth ruining so many people's lives.”

She shrugs her shoulders and plops herself down on his couch, patting on the cushion next to her. Lance walks over but decides to sit on the ottoman at the end of the couch instead, trying to put as much distance as he could between them without seeming uncomfortable.

“What makes you think this was a scheme?” She licks her lips almost predatorily, and he knew what she was after. He'd have to be a little smarter if she was going to talk.

“You've won! She's marrying him…told me last night. Whatever it is you have on Jase, it doesn't matter anymore, but if you want to claim your prize, you have to tell me why?!” Lance leans himself back and opens his legs, looking very inviting, trying to get the woman to tell him what he wants to know.

“Because Lance…you and I are alike. We always get what we want, consequences be damned, and I know we could be very good for each other; unstoppable! Let's also not forget the amazing sex! There's nothing we couldn't do for each other. We could lay the world at our feet!”  

Lance breaks out in an uncontrollable laugh. Claire does not look impressed, glaring at him with murder in her eyes.

“Seriously Claire, you talk like this is world domination!” He continues to laugh, “like we'd be trending on twitter…hashtag Lance and Claire domination tour!”

Her expression doesn't change, and she still looks like she's going to kill someone.

“We are perfect for each other! Better for you than Y/N!” Claire yells with a fiery passion.

“You ever heard that opposites attract? Maybe that's why I fell for her?” He remains calm, trying not to feed into her anger.

“Cute, perfect, annoying, Y/N!”

Lance almost cringes when she says your name this time.

“She's weak! She could never tame you…you're too wild and need someone just as dominate as you!”

“So that's what this is about? I mean, she was just my PA! It's not like she had a direct line to my bed!”

It's mostly the truth. It only happened one time. But had things been different, Y/N would have been there permanently.

“You never gave me a second chance. Just fucked me and moved on!”

Lance looks at her in disbelief, “It's called a one-night stand. That's what you do!” He's shaking his head, pissing off the woman even more.

“What makes her better than me?!” Claire yells, demanding an answer.

Lance stands up and walks to his window, looking out into the beauty of the day. “She's everything I'm not.” He says softly, never looking back at Claire.

“I can be everything you need.” Claire says walking up behind him, placing her hands around his waist.

Lance closes his eye at her touch, it's not the intimacy he wants. Claire's not Y/N!

“Why Jase?” He hasn't stopped her from touching him, nor has he turned to face her. “And don't say it's because of his lifestyle. Everyone knows he's into BDSM.  I've seen him at the club, engrossed in a scene. That's not a reason to blackmail!” Lance throws it in her face.

He's a dominant too, and occasionally goes to the club when he's in desperate need of a submissive. It's been awhile since he's had a scene.

Claire chuckles at Lance, “no, that's not all. Just a small part. I chose him because he's got more to lose. He was raised by his aunt and uncle and he's honestly a good guy.”

She puts her head on Lance’s back, using her hands to rub on his torso. “His uncle is the governor, and he's not squeaky clean.”

Lance scoffs, “what politician is?”

Claire chuckles right back, “right, but he's been taking bribes; specifically, from my dad's company. I only stumbled on the knowledge and I'm sure there's more, but I really don't care. Jase would do anything to protect the people that raised him, so….”

Lance can't believe she just disclosed all that information, but also can't believe that her jealousy drove her to ruin so many people's lives.

“So, you blackmailed him into dating her? You really wanted her away from me that bad?” He keeps his tone calm, so she doesn't catch on to how seething mad he is inside.

“She's been in love with you for a long time. I needed her to focus on someone else...to forget about you.”  

There are still so many questions and not enough answers. He really must be careful how he handles things right now. Lance needs to know everything.

“My kids? How do my children factor in your plan?”

Claire moves her head and starts kissing his back. God! The shit he's enduring just to get the truth out of her is infuriating him to no end.

“Casualties of war. Jase will be a good father to them and they'll grow up with the best of everything. Face it Lance, you never wanted kids anyway. We all remember Maggie!”  

It's taking everything for him to not smack the shit out of her, but he just can't. He has to hold on a little longer.

Lance turns around and faces her, “so is that everything? Anything I missed? All this blackmailing is because you feel entitled and jealous? You're not only destroying Y/N’s life and my twins, but also Jase’s entire family including his governor uncle just because you want to be in a relationship with me? Now that I said that out loud, that's one big stupid risk you just took!” Lance begins to laugh, “you set up all these people over some stupid jealous crush! Oh my god, that's the fucking worst!”  

Claire starts to slowly back away from him and moves back to the couch and sits down, watching him laugh his ass off.

“Wait…,” Lance tried to catch his breath, “I’m sorry. That was insensitive of me, I apologize.” He looks sincere in his apology.

“Maybe it wasn't the smartest plan…,” she looks at him and he can see how uneasy she has now become, “but would you have even looked my way if I didn't do this?!” Claire has once again raised her voice to get her point across.

Lance can't believe he's lowering himself to care right now. Claire is showing true emotion over the situation, but the whole thing is rather ridiculous to him. Blackmail, deceit, and lies are all she's good at. He really wants no part of this; just wants his life back.  

He makes his way over to where she's seated on his couch and kneels in front of her.

Lance places a hand on her knee in a sign of affection and gives her a soft smile.

“Honestly Claire, I don't really like the person I was. What I was doing, how I was treating women...that's not right or fair. But I did it, and I can't take it back. What I can do is change into something better. That's what I've been trying to do. Maybe it's time you change too.”  

Claire scrunches her face and her breathing becomes hard and fast, and Lance knows she's angry again.

“No!” She yells out and he stands up and begins backing away from her. “You don't get it Lance! I don't want to change and honestly neither do you!”

The angry woman stands up and heads straight towards him, getting up in his face. “If you don't give me what I want, I'll make life fucking miserable for Y/N and your kids! Jase will do what I tell him to just to make sure his family is protected! I'll make you regret ever saying no to me!”

This is a new development. Claire's threatening Y/N and the twins if he doesn't do what she wants. If he gets out of this with minimal damage he promises to convert to Buddhism. God, she’s all kinds of mentally unstable.  

“Look. I'm not saying no…,” he softly grabs her hand and holds them in his, “but right now, I have a meeting with my agent.”

Lance lets her go and walks to the couch, grabbing her things and placing them in her hands.

“I could go with you!”

Claire just went from psycho angry to happily excited. Nope! Not even a little bit.

“Meeting with my agent is a me thing. I don't ever take anyone else. You know…,” he begins walking her to the door to see her out, “maybe we could talk about this more later and maybe I could be your date for the wedding?”

Lance tries to sound as smooth as possible, so she doesn't expect and ulterior motives.

“You won't try anything?” Claire sounds a little suspicious of his sudden change of heart.

The man just shakes his head, “she doesn't want me. Y/N is dead set on marrying Jase. Maybe for me to move on and let her go, I just have to see her do it first.”  

Claire accepts his explanation and decides it's good enough for her, “fine…but if you try anything, I'll make sure Jase moves them far away from here! Understand?”

He nods at her in agreement, and she leans in and places a quick kiss to his lips. “I'll talk to you later!” The she devil walks out the door and to her car with a little more pep in her step.  

Lance watches her leave his driveway, never moving from his door. Once her sees her car hit the main road, he heads straight for the kitchen sink and pours himself a handful of dish soap and rubbing it all over his mouth, trying to wash away any traces of the kiss she just gave him.

When he's finished he looks at his phone and checks an app, making sure everything is in place for his next stop. Grabbing his keys and his wallet he heads out the door.  

“Stupid bitch will learn not to fuck with me!”

[atamascolily]

A Natural History of Tatooine, part 5/?

In which Luke is spared the ordeal of eating live grubs for breakfast and Tor forces him to confront his F-E-E-L-I-N-G-S for two very different Jedi.

(Parts One, Two, Three and Four.)

"Good morning," said Tor. "Did you sleep well?"

"Not really," he said, digging into what he thought was a breadnut, although he didn't usually encounter breadnuts in such a violent shade of pink.

"A special hybrid," Tor said, seeing the flash of surprise in his face. "Extra anthocyanins, supposed to be very good for you. Tastier, too."

"I guess." He couldn't detect any of the differences, but he wasn't going to argue with her.

"Don't look so downcast. I have lots of fat nijki larvae that are ready for harvest that I didn't include because I know they make you squeamish."

Luke grimaced, and took a sip of cha. "We ate mealworms all the time on Tatooine, but they were dried, roasted, and ground into flour, not alive and wriggling--"

"That's how you know they're <i>fresh</i>," Tor protested, but this was an old dispute that she frequently exaggerated for comic effect. "So what did you dream about this time? Any future dangers I should know about?"

He hadn't expected her to segue back to the subject of his dreams, at least not so <i>fast</i>. "No, just old screw-ups," he said.

She looked at him, waiting for him to say more, but he bent into his breakfast and ignored her. The silence stretched out between them for another ten minutes before he finally answered her.

"You don't have to say it," he said. "It was a stupid thing for me to do, to go off to investigate some unknown evil with just two droids and a scientist for company."

Tor raised an eyebrow and coughed loudly. "Depends on the scientist, of course."

"Err--right," he said, aware that he might have insulted her, but she seemed more amused by his faux pas than anything else. Tor might be a professional botanist, but she had studied martial arts at her monastery and she gave even his advanced students a fight to remember. "Cray wasn't a warrior, and neither were Nichos and Threepio--and once I got injured, things went downhill fast--"

"So you didn't stop and think when you found a problem to investigate. Who would you have taken with you instead, given the choice?"

"I mean--hell, anyone, really. Kyp--Kam--Corran. Even Cilghal, I could have used her healing skills out there--"

"Mara," said Tor softly.

He sighed. "Yes, I should have taken Mara. Though--it would have been hard on her, the Imperial conditioning, especially after what happened to her in the Core. She might have gone over this time and not come back." He fingered the place where the cerebral feed had been jacked into his skull, pumping him with chemicals and memories not his own, in an automated effort to convert him to the Imperial cause. Cilghal had healed everything so well there was no trace of a scar.

He almost wished there was. Without it, it was far too easy to believe he'd imagined the whole ordeal.

Though imagining the experience of being trapped on a massive Imperial dreadnaught torn apart from the inside out by warring factions of confused aliens picked up in lieu of long-lost stormtrooper garrisons scattered across the galaxy, fighting the ship's rigid automated programming while coping with injuries that would have killed an ordinary person might have been preferable to the actuality.

"But you had Callista," Tor said. "Surely that counted for something."

Luke buried his face in his hands, and pushed his tray away. He couldn't deal with this level of emotion during breakfast. He didn't want to think about Callista.

Or Cray and Nichos, who hadn't made it off the <i>Eye of Palpatine</i> alive.

Cray, who had been captured and tortured before she'd sacrificed her spirit to save Callista by offering the fallen Jedi her body as a new home.

Nichos, who in one sense had died long before Cray had implanted his consciousness in a droid body, but couldn't bear to continue existing without her.

Tor thrust the tray back at him. "Drink your cha, Skywalker. There's been enough silence. Now it's time to talk."

He drank the cha on autopilot, unable to meet Tor's gaze. He didn't know what there was to say, what he could say. All the words he could think of were inadequate.

Everything was all tangled up inside his head. Callista. Mara. Cray. Nichos. He didn't even know where to start.  

He wished Tor would leave him alone, let him suffer in peace. Everyone else had.

His students twittered to each other in awe about his prowess as a Jedi, wonder in their eyes as he passed. They mourned Cray and Nichos, but accepted their deaths as a necessary sacrifice to prevent a holocaust. Cilghal had healed his wounds, but could do nothing for his head or his heart. Leia and Han hadn't pushed him, trusting he would open when the time was right and not a moment before--and busy enough with their own lives as it was.

Callista had vanished. Mara had walked away.

(That last one wasn't fair, and he knew it. But she wouldn't have left if he'd been open with her. If he had--)

"I despise self-pity, Skywalker. Didn't your teachers ever warn you that leads to the Dark Side, too?"

"There were a lot of things they never told me." He didn't want this, any of this, but she wasn't going to let him slip away quietly. A flush of anger stirred in him. She didn't have the Force. She was strong enough and self-aware enough that he couldn't manipulate her mind, but there were other ways to push her away, fling her back across the greenhouse and away from him--

"It's fine to love them both, you know," Tor said.

Any anger he'd felt deflated instantly. She'd exposed him. She'd said it out loud. She knew everything.

Did everyone else know, too?

"Not everyone," Tor said. As she had pointed out on numerous occasions, you didn't need the Force to tell what someone was thinking--just a very good eye and an understanding of human nature. "Like I said before, the students are preoccupied with their own concerns. The others know that you're upset, but they don't know why--they think it's over Cray and Nichos's death or the considerable head trauma you suffered."

His voice was dry and ragged in his throat. "That's part of it."

"Of course it is," Tor said. "But all your physical wounds have healed. You spent several weeks in a healing trance in addition to all of Cilghal's ministrations. As for Cray and Nichos--I'm sorry. I miss them, too. But they're not the reason why you're stuck in this slough of despond, and it's misleading to pretend otherwise."

Yes. That was true. He'd grieved at his students' deaths, but he'd been overjoyed to learn upon waking that Callista had survived--even if she inhabited Cray's body now. It had been eerie for the students who had known Cray, to see someone else's spirit inhabiting her flesh; it was even odder for Luke, since Cray had been his student and Callista--was his lover.

Prior to his ordeal on the <i>Eye of Palpatine</i>, he'd had long discussions with Mara and the other instructors about the dangers of fraternizing with students. Even under the extenuating circumstances, it was still--awkward, to say the least.

He'd missed Mara the whole time. But he'd come to love Callista during that awful week trapped on board the <i>Eye of Palpatine</i>. Her sense of humor. Her laugh.

He'd thought he was going to die anyway, so why the hell not fall in love with her?

And then Cray, Nichos, and Callista has tricked him, knocking him unconscious and ejecting him in a shuttle with the other refugees to keep him from interfering with their plan to blow up the dreadnought and destroy Callista entirely. It was only after the explosion, after he'd mourned and grieved their loss, that he saw the escape pod holding Callista's spirit in Cray's body and dared to hope that one of them, at least, had survived.

As soon as he saw her, he knew, though the only thing that had changed in Cray's face was her eyes. They were no longer blue, but grey, the same grey he'd seen in his Force visions of her, and in those dreams-that-were-more-than-dreams they had shared aboard the dreadnought.

Due to a series of complicated events he hadn't been able to fully grasp the significance of at the time, Mara had been the one to rescue them both.

"Awkward" didn't even begin to cover it.

[toldnews-blog]

New Post has been published on https://toldnews.com/world/how-peter-mayhew-became-chewbacca/

How Peter Mayhew became Chewbacca

Image copyright PA

Peter Mayhew played Chewbacca, the gentle giant with a distinctive growl, in Star Wars films for almost 40 years – but how did he find himself inside that huge, hairy costume?

The London-born son of a policeman was diagnosed with gigantism, a condition that causes excessive growth, aged eight. Mayhew also had a related genetic tissue disorder called Marfan Syndrome.

He went on to reach a towering 7ft 2in (2.18m) and started his working life in engineering.

But, according to his charity foundation, he felt “more fulfilled” working as an orderly at King’s College Hospital in the capital.

He was spotted for his film career by chance, when a local reporter published a photograph of him.

It was seen by the producers of Ray Harryhausen’s action fantasy Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger.

Image copyright Getty Images

Image caption Mayhew’s hospital work in 1977 included helping put up signs

This led to Mayhew playing the Minoton, a huge half-man half-bull bronze creature in the 1977 Sinbad film.

He had exactly what Star Wars creator George Lucas needed when he was casting Chewbacca – height. Lucas had initially asked Dave Prowse, but he bagged Darth Vader instead.

Mayhew was perfect for the role of Chewie, the loveable, even cuddly sidekick to Harrison Ford’s intergalactic smuggler Han Solo.

Han, the pilot of the Millennium Falcon, saved the Wookiee from imprisonment, sparking their life-long friendship.

Image copyright EPA

Image caption Friends on and off-screen: Peter Mayhew and Harrison Ford

Once he was cast, Mayhew set about researching his character by studying bears, monkeys and gorillas in his local zoo – preparing to bring his character to life once he was encased in the yak hair costume.

In a 2015 interview with Rolling Stone, the actor summed up Chewbacca’s role by saying: “My character is a teddy bear, basically.

“I bet you, if you looked around your office, how many people had a teddy bear as a youngster or a security blanket as a youngster? And that’s what Chewie is, he looks after everybody.”

The only bit of Mayhew that could be seen was his eyes, which, along with his body language, were his only means of expression.

Image copyright Lucasfilm

Image caption Peter Mayhew played Chewbacca (L) alongside Harrison Ford in Star Wars Episode IV

He was told by Lucas the Wookiee was “a mime character because they put the noises on afterwards”, which turned out to be a relief.

“It makes it easier for me, because just try making loud enough noises through a mask!” Mayhew said.

“It’s very hard so you do as well as you can, and then they take it to the sound studio and put their own voices in it. It’s not easy, really.”

Chewbacca’s distinctive growl was actually made by sound designer Ben Burtt, who created the sound by collecting noises made by bears, walruses, lions, badgers and sick animals.

Burtt said he “extracted little grunts and put them all on one tape” and then collected sounds covering a range of emotions, such as affection and anger.

Mayhew played the 200-year-old Wookiee for the first trilogy of Star Wars films.

Harrison Ford pays tribute to Chewbacca star Mayhew

Mark Hamill says Mayhew had the spirit of a Wookiee

His other showbiz appearances included the Donny and Marie show in 1977, 1978’s Star Wars Holiday Special and The Muppet Show in 1980, plus several commercials.

Once the fuss about Star Wars had died down, he moved to Yorkshire, where he “lived quietly”.

But the Force came calling again in 1997 after a special edition of the films was released. With fans’ interest reignited, Mayhew travelled the world, meeting them on the convention circuit.

Image copyright Getty Images

Image caption Mayhew and his wife Angie met a familiar face at a 2012 fan convention

After marrying his wife Angie in 1999, he moved to Texas, becoming a US citizen six years later. He also reprised his role as Chewie for 2005’s Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

He shot a few scenes in Australia with Lucas himself, who, according to Mayhew, “set aside time personally” to direct him.

In 2009, he received the MTV Movie Awards lifetime achievement prize from Carrie Fisher, who played Princess Leia.

Image copyright Reuters

Image caption The princess and Chewie: Carrie Fisher and Peter Mayhew

His final Star Wars film was 2015’s The Force Awakens, directed by JJ Abrams.

Abrams called Mayhew, asking him if he could appear in the film.

Image copyright Getty Images

Image caption Mayhew [pictured in 2018] had difficulty with mobility in his later life

Mayhew recalled the conversation with Rolling Stone, saying: “I explained that I had just had a medical procedure before we even started – I laid my cards on the counter.

“I said, ‘Look, I can’t walk. I can do most things, but the only thing I can’t really do is walk. But I can do the facial expressions and everything else like that for Chewie.’

“And he said, ‘Right, we’ll find out what you have to do and we’ll get it done.’ So I was very, very pleased.”

He shared the role of Chewbacca with Joonas Suotamo, who was his double in The Force Awakens and went on to play the Wookiee in The Last Jedi in 2017 and last year’s Solo: A Star Wars Story.

Image copyright Getty Images

Image caption Joonas Suotamo went on to play Chewbacca

Mayhew, who used a walking cane shaped like a light saber, had spinal surgery in 2018 to help with mobility.

In 2012, he set up a charity, The Peter Mayhew Foundation, “devoted to the alleviation of disease, pain, suffering and the financial toll brought on by life’s traumatic events”.

He also wrote two books, Growing Up Giant and My Favorite Giant.

Skip Twitter post by @TheWookieeRoars

Sorry, I’ve been quiet as of late. I’ve been planning & going through some spinal surgery to improve my mobility. It’s been a success & I’ll be spending the upcoming weeks recovering. A big thank you to the doctors, staff, my family & friends that have helped me through this. pic.twitter.com/fdfUelrsel

— Peter Mayhew (@TheWookieeRoars) July 24, 2018

End of Twitter post by @TheWookieeRoars

Film journalist Jamie East said Mayhew was an “ambassador for the whole Star Wars trilogy”.

As well as appearing at conventions, he “would pop up quite often on Reddit during fans’ discussions on Star Wars, and say hello”. The fans’ delight at meeting him was a big part of his life, East said.

“He knew what he was there for, and revelled in the fact he could spread so much happiness with fans.”

Follow us on Facebook, on Twitter @BBCNewsEnts, or on Instagram at Toldnewsnewsents. If you have a story suggestion email entertainment.news@Toldnews.co.uk.

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[segadores-y-soldados]

Um hello everyone??

??????

I hit another follower milestone and like???

HI

How are there so many of you here??

Thank you to everyone for your support!  I hope ya’ll are enjoying the stuff I put on this blog!

So for new and old followers here’s some stuff about me and a mini writing showcase:

Tumblr username: Segadores-y-soldados AO3 username: clickclickBANG Twitter: https://twitter.com/SegadorYSoldado (I am very new at the bird website, please send help) Semi-personal info: transdude from California, please use he/him for me Semi-relevant skills: slowly improving my Spanish - feel free to correct my nonsense (also, 00halle, I saw your comment - I’ve been meaning to respond!  Thank you again for the offer, I super appreciate it and will be coming to you with some questions when I get a chance)

Content: All Overwatch stuff, lots of Reaper76 shippy stuff - be sure to look at my About page to find my other ships I’ll reblog 

Things I’m most well-known for: My essays (tagged as “my essays”) including references on Reaper, Soldier, and Ana; little dialogue scenarios (tagged as “dumb stuff”), usually involving Reaper/Gabriel and Soldier/Jack in some way; doing research on lore and locational stuff in Overwatch; writing fics about Gabriel and Jack being ridiculous smartasses who are in love (and oftentimes the poor people who have to witness their shenanigans).

Little writing showcase:

SEP: Sunsets (written for the amazing Vapewraith!)

They’re in one of the halls of the SEP facility - tucked away into a deep mountainside “somewhere out west,” the building is hard angles and brutal concrete and cut-steel, as soft as titanium and as gentle as the injections they get every morning and evening.  Yet even here, in “wherever’s-range,” there is still beauty: the massive windows, normally just cold, crystalline glass, are open to the sunset, bleeding colors across the land and sky, dripping into the hallway with the vibrancy of oil paints.  Reds smoke into bright, endless pinks, golds melt into bold, sunshine yellows, oranges shift into liquid amber, and at the edges of the atmosphere, velvet purples sigh into silky blues, tinting the more vivid colors and steeped clouds with the dusk of night and the emerging stars.

It’s a sight neither Gabriel nor Jack will ever get tired of -

No matter how exhausted they are.

“The doctors will see you shortly -” the SEP instructor starts to say, reappearing at the far end of the hallway, before he looks up from the papers on his clipboard and scowls at the group of crumbling supersoldiers, snapping, “Is that what you call ‘lining up?’”

“Maybe if y’all didn’t work us so damn hard,” Number: 141 growls, his voice climbing into a hoarse yell, “We’d still have the energy to fucking stand!”

There are shouts of agreement and calls of “Yeah that!” and quiet mumbles of assent.  Gabriel huffs to himself, sliding himself onto the concrete barrier and trying his hardest not to wince as his muscles settle into a sitting position.  He’s used to hard work and even harder workouts, but today had been…brutal.  3 am running through the facility and into the mountains and back, to 10 am sparring and boxing and hand-to-hand combat, to 1 pm “simulation training” where they ran teams in rubber-bullet fire-fights, to 4 pm regulated work outs of push ups and squats and curls, to now - 8 pm - where they fall to their pieces in concrete hallways, waiting for doctors to take their biodata and continue churning them into statistics for the U.S. government before jamming more needles in their arms and sending them to brutal, uncomfortable cots in the dorms.

Jack slides himself up next to Gabriel, sighing just loud enough for his best friend to hear, “Today…was pretty bad.”

“Would’ve been easier on you if you hadn’t burned yourself out on those push ups,” Gabriel grunts back, pulling a pack of cigarettes from a pant pocket.  He taps one out, muttering with some confusion, “Why were you doing all those one-armed push ups?”

Old Habits (aka “the big fic”) - Rating: T - Action/Adventure for R76:

“PULL BACK,” Reaper’s shouting at the three goons who got blasted the fuck back with a concussive rocket, “ASSHOLES, THOSE ARE HELIX MARK VI, IF THEY FIRE A REAL ROCKET YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD.”

Louis is, remarkably, the only one who stays on his feet, although now that they’re all wearing their visors it’s getting difficult to tell who’s who.  The other two roll backwards, flipping over a few times before slamming into the cliff wall behind them.  Reaper could fucking push both of them off the ledge and into the depths of the canyon with how annoyed he is at them, but that’s not important right now.

Three of the Helix fliers pop up from behind the rock ledge, hovering just a bit above the ground - low enough to get shelter again, but just high enough to give them a subtle height and maneuverability advantage over the Talon and Deadlock ground units.  He hears Widowmaker and Henri fire off a few more rounds, but distant screams are the only reward for that - they’re aiming at the U.S. military soldiers who are stupidly rappelling down from the stable parts of the train still up on the tracks and making themselves easy targets.

“Widowmaker, Helix units, on the ground, below you!” Reaper growls out over the comms before he fucking dematerializes -

- and reforms himself directly behind the three Helix fliers.

God, that hurt like a FUCK.

He punches one of them in the back to make up for it.

FUCK THAT FUCKING HURT TOO

WHY DIDN’T HE JUST FUCKING SHOOT THEM LIKE A REGULAR ASSHOLE

(More under the cut)

76 + 127: How We Were Made - Rating: E - Reaper76 SEP fic

Jack stands by one of the dull, concrete walls and bends himself over before slowly reverse-walking his legs up the side.  The rush of blood to his already throbbing head just makes it feel worse, but the weird mix of exhaustion and energy courses through him and he -

He cannot tell if he wants to fight something

Or fuck something.

...Probably both.

That was the other thing: the fucking raging mix of hormones and chemicals - both natural and artificial - had only cranked individual personalities, energies, attentions, aggressions, and desires to the fucking max.  It had been apparent from the day of orientation that all 150 of them were between 18 and 25 years old - all physically fit, largely martially-oriented people from a multitude of military programs across the country.  Jack and Gabriel had been the top two picks from West Point, but Jack had recognized a handful of the others as being from the academy - like three upperclassmen and ten lowerclassmen and two from their own group - Adrien and Sarah.

So yeah

Of course both fighting and fucking had started occurring within the first week.

Pinche mierda, there had been packets of lube and condoms in their supply chests in their bunk rooms from the very first day onwards.  The program directors had certainly known what to expect from a bunch of high-energy, high-intensity young adults.

Jack sighs again, not sure if he loves or hates the pressure in his head and neck, before pushing his arms up off his elbows and onto his hands.

Upside-down push-ups suck.

Gabriel’s wide, smug, fucking charming grin flashes into his head.

Sharpshooter: Hit Me Like A Drum - Rating: T - McHanzo meeting fic

Jesse flicks his eyes from the apparent quiver back to the man’s amazing face and his dark eyes and immediately knows two things:

1 - This man is absolutely the most handsome person Jesse has ever had the blessed fortune of meeting.

2 - He does not understand a word coming out of the man’s mouth.

“...Pardon?” Jesse asks absently, blinking awkwardly. The...archer (?) tilts his head a little and scowls a bit - oh jackrabbit turds, I pissed him right off - before saying in flawless English, “It is your turn.”

Oh. Jesse thinks lamely. English.

“Oh uh, thanks, partner,” Jesse says awkwardly, glancing back towards the counter where one of the chefs is waiting with an expression of stern politeness that is fading into increasing annoyance. Jesse makes eye contact with the chef and she gives him a small handwave of “hurry up, tourist, I don’t have all day.”

“Uh…” Jesse glances back sheepishly at the man behind me, giving him an embarrassed smile, “You wouldn’t happen to know which one is the spicy pork ramen, would you?”

The man’s scowl fades for a quick second before returning, and he says with startlingly serious focus, “Oh. You can’t read it.”

“Uh…no, sorry ‘bout that, darlin’,” Jesse apologizes without thinking and the man raises an eyebrow, asking, “‘Darling?’”

OH FUCK ME AND MY DUMB ASS

Why, yes, please do, the wiseass side of Jesse cracks in his head and he fucking flounders over the barrage of shame and embarrassment and attraction.

“Oh, damn, shit, sorry - oh cheese on a cracker, I shouldn’t be swearing, oh god you’re gonna think I was never taught manners - shoot, sugar, I’m so sorry, it’s a bad habit I got from my pa and - Shit, I just did it again - sorry, it’s been a long trip here and, oh Lord, I just swore again, this is so embarrassing -”

A startled look of wonder blossoms on the man’s face and if Jesse wasn’t so fucking flustered, he would love to try and mentally catalogue how the man looks so open and surprised. Jesse is in the middle of tripping over his words when the unthinkable happens.

A miracle occurs.

The man gives a surprisingly broad and genuinely happy grin and starts to laugh.

[movietvtechgeeks]

Latest story from https://movietvtechgeeks.com/kim-rhodes-briana-buckmaster-talk-supernatural-waywardaf/

Kim Rhodes, Briana Buckmaster talk 'Supernatural' and WaywardAF

When one of our Movie TV Tech Geeks family members has something new out, we love to help promote it, especially when it’s something that every Supernatural fan will want to get their hands on. Lynn Zubernis, who writes some pretty in-depth and intense Supernatural recap reviews, has her latest book hitting on May 9 Family Don’t End With Blood: Cast and Fans on How Supernatural Has Changed Lives (You can order it here), has interviewed nearly everyone from the show, and we’re happy to run her ‘best ofs’ leading up to her book launch. If you want to attend her Los Angeles book launch check it out here. Her latest book features With contributions by Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles, Misha Collins, Mark Sheppard, Jim Beaver, Rob Benedict, Briana Buckmaster, Osric Chau, Matt Cohen, Ruth Connell, Gil McKinney, Rachel Miner and Kim Rhodes, and a Dozen Passionate Fans! Check out her classic interview with Misha Collins and Jim Beaver. Check out when we interviewed Lynn on her own Supernatural experiences. Check out exclusive excerpts from Lynn’s upcoming book! Now for Kim and Briana – Here’s a joint interview we did with both Kim Rhodes and Briana Buckmaster, which as you can imagine we couldn’t print all of it, but suffice it to say, we had FUN! And were Wayward AF. Both Briana and Kim wrote about the Wayward AF phenomenon in their chapters in FDEWB, and how their experience with this show and this fandom has changed them… This interview was so huge, we had to put it into two parts. You can check out part 2 here if you want to jump ahead. Life has been crazy, both for me and for Kim Rhodes and Briana Buckmaster – let’s just say they’ve been #WaywardAF and the fandom has embraced them every step of the way. I hope you got your tee shirt and sent your support, because if there was ever a slogan that fit our fandom, this one is it. The campaign was a tremendous success, both doing good in the world with Random Acts and inspiring all of us with the reminder that being #WaywardAF (and being REAL) is a very good thing. I had the pleasure of chatting with Kim and Briana at Houscon this spring to talk about their Season 11 episodes (Plush and Don’t You Forget About Me) – I’d call it an interview, except it was at least as much off topic and off the record as it was interview – but here are the printable parts of what we had so much fun talking about. Or in other words, Kim and Briana and Lynn all get #WaywardAF. And are pretty damn happy about it. I’ll pick up where I’m going on about how much we love having them at conventions. Because we do! In fact, I can’t wait to see them at Pittcon next weekend. Lynn: What people like so much about you two, I think, is that we finally have women who seem like us! Briana: Representation, yay! Kim: [laughing] Yeah, they’re tired and they’re angry and they cuss and they love people and they hate people… Briana and Lynn: [laughing] Kim: I think one of the things I so appreciate – because Briana and I really complement each other – but one of the things I think we both have in our strong wheel house is that we aren’t afraid to let an ugly truth show if it’s the truth. Like truth trumps pretty for both of us. Briana: Yeah, agreed. Kim and Briana (and Ruth) get real onstage: [gallery columns="2" size="medium" link="file" ids="46022,46023"] Kim: And that is, I think, how all people feel. Like they wanna move through the world but it’s gotta be pretty hard. I can imagine – and I’m only imagining this – but if I really respected someone’s work and their work meant a lot to me, and then when I got to meet them, they had a wall of perfection up, I’d be like oh, I can’t relate to that because I’m not perfect, I’m imperfect and broken and flawed and ME. And it would just create distance. Briana: Mm hmm. Kim: So I think something that we both consciously do, because it’s a part of us, and also because it’s important to us, is we’re like “Ah, broken, isn’t that awesome?” Kim and Briana: It’s just like yeahhhh, yep, here we gooooooooooooo! Lynn: It’s so funny, I just flew here from an academic conference, where I chair the Stardom and Fandom area… Kim and Briana: Oh cool! Lynn: So it was two days of academic papers and there was a panel comparing the old model of stardom, which was like manufactured perfection… Briana: Right, 1940s Hollywood, right? Lynn: Right, even when they were sitting by the pool, they had full makeup and hair done and so people couldn’t relate, but that’s what the publicity machine wanted. But that’s not powerful! Kim: Not anymore. Lynn: No, it’s changing, even if you’re a ‘celebrity’ you can interact with fans in twitter, or in person at conventions, so that barrier is different. But on the other hand, when you first started doing cons and let the F word fly, Kathy and I looked at each other and were like, oh, can a woman get away with that or only Sebastian? I felt like it was iffy in the beginning. Kim: Oh it was SO iffy, my character hadn’t been consistent on the show, and if I hadn’t had a twitter following… Lynn: But they also saw the fan reaction, and it was so positive. Kim: They had women who represented their concept of what they should be, and then I came in and I’m like, I’m old, I’m angry, I’ve got a kid, I’m tired, WTF is up with this? Lynn: You were real. And fandom welcomed that – obviously! Okay, so we should talk about Supernatural. Briana, your last episode, Plush. Briana: [laughing] That feels like a century ago! Lynn: I know, but it was such an interesting episode. And it bodes well for your character that the boys actually called her a hunter. Briana: I know! We were just talking about that, that they made her a hunter. And how some characters are just assumed and some are proclaimed a hunter. I think it was necessary for Donna, and it’s a bit like, okay, so what are they going to do with this character? Because they could have just ended the episode with bye… Kim: Yep, okay, see ya soon… Briana: But they said, you’re a hunter now, so there’s a reason they did that, but I don’t know anything, I’m not alluding to that. But it seems like they do have a plan for Donna. Lynn: At the very least, they left the door open. Briana: Right? That was probably my favorite part of the episode. Lynn: Did you have that strong reaction to it when you read the script? Briana: Oh yeah, yeah. [caption id="attachment_46027" align="aligncenter" width="535"] Hunters! Cap S_Verasani[/caption] Kim: We always are like, what’s in your script? What’s in your script? The first thing I asked her, I was like – you would tell me if you died, right? Briana: Oh yes, but [to Kim] you tweeted something that said guys – and you did the right thing , you were protecting yourself – but you said I’m not in charge of whether I live or die, ever. And I said that to my husband and he was like NO, and I said, I think she would have told me! But maybe she can’t or won’t, and I was like please don’t kill her off! Lynn: We were ALL like that! And for Donna too. Kim: Yeah, Donna’s not only the call in sheriff now, so you can travel anywhere, but she’s also a hunter. Lynn: I think this is the first time they’ve introduced a character that is not a hunter and then pronounced them a hunter. Briana: Other than Claire now Lynn: Right, just with the last episode she was in. Briana: But what about Jody? Kim: Jody is very specifically not a hunter. I teach hunters. Briana: I don’t think you’re not specifically not a hunter, I think you just haven’t been proclaimed a hunter… Kim: I think Jody was like, meh, that’s fine, I’ve got other shit I’ve gotta do. I don’t think she’s upset about it. Briana: Yeah, no. Kim: It’s not like I’m sitting there waiting to be anointed a hunter. Lynn: No, but she’s been proven a badass many times over. Briana and Kim: YES. Briana: And if the boys went ‘what? OMG I’m so sorry,…’ I think that’s totally what they’d do, like ‘OMG you’re totally a hunter! OMG OMG’ – I think that’s what it would be. Kim: I don’t think Jody is sitting next to the phone, I think she’s like I’ve got enough shit on my plate, if you need me I’ll be there, but right now, I have 50 million other things I’m trying to deal with. Briana: Exactly. Kim: Just with the human world. Briana: It’s so funny, we were just having this conversation in the green room. I think Claire amd Donna are like ‘Let’s go, what are we waiting for? Let’s go hunt!’ In different ways, Claire is like AHHH I’m gonna get ‘em! Kim: Well she’s young and she’s kinda emo about it. Briana: And Jody kinda wants to rein them in, she is the teacher about it a little bit…In different ways, but I think that’s kinda the fun thing about Jody not having to be called a hunter is that she can bow in and out of that because she is busy. She’s like, you guys are good? Ok I’m gonna go over here and save this town. Kim: Exactly Briana: But I think she’s the ultimate hunter, she’s the one that’s been around the longest. Lynn: I mean, she is a hunter, she just hasn’t been called that. But I feel like it made sense with Donna – that whole episode was about Donna’s evolution into independence and being aware of her own strength and her path of healing from all that shit, and that kinda fits with – like the next phase of my life, I’m gonna go kick some ass! Briana: That’s a good point, they did kinda like button up that part of Donna, so they made her a hunter at the end of the day and had her come around to Doug and say I’m sorry I was acting that way towards you. And then, that feels like it’s done. Which is a relief for Briana the actress. Lynn: Say more. Briana: I just want – but this is just me, the writers have a plan for the character, but me as an actress and also as a fan and an audience member, I just don’t want to watch women talk about boys all the time. Lynn: Then it would stop passing the Bechdel test. Briana: I know that damaged goods can influence your future and your present, but it doesn’t have to be talked about all the time. Lynn: Or in a relationship way always. I mean, Dean is damaged goods, but… Briana: And we all know that, but we don’t talk about it every episode. Lynn: Right. Briana: So I get that they need to get all that stuff out. Lynn: That was a lot of character development in one episode. Briana: I know, I know. In Kim’s episode too. Lynn: Briana, you and I have talked about this before – because Donna was introduced in an episode that was sort of about her weight, they’ve kind of kept that going, and I was a little put off in Plush when she pulled out the salt and said oh my diet secret, I pour it on my food… I mean, I’m not sure anyone in the fandom was laughing. Briana: I know, I know. I thought maybe, did they have to comment on the fact that I was slimmer, or that they needed to find an arc for my character, I don’t know why… Lynn: I think they did feel they had to comment on that, but was it really relevant right there? Briana: Right, who cares? Exactly. I think sometimes audiences are smarter than they think. Kim: There’s two levels there – on the one hand, it’s offensive to think that anyone’s validity and existence needs — that anyone has the right to comment on a character’s weight, that weight is at all a part of a person. But the other thing is, did the fans think, ‘was that Donna?’ Did they know she’s lost weight? Lynn: Right, like everyone was watching going omg Donna’s lost weight! Or wait, is that Donna?! Briana: Like what’s her diet secret! Is she exercising? No, you’re 100% right. I’m very grateful and I love my character, but Kim and I talk all the time about why is it so hard to write for women? Why not just write a script and go well, a woman can say that and a man can say that. Why are the words not interchangeable? Lynn: They should be. Although, it’s really interesting, Jenny Klein wrote the episode that Richard just directed, Just My Imagination, and there was a reference in that episode to a male character’s weight, which is also unusual, but they did it in a positive way, like the fat saved my life. Briana: In a loving way Lynn: And I love Jenny Briana: Me too, and I think that was a smart thing to do. [Kim comes back with throat lozenges and water, since they both were coughing] Briana [laughing] We used to be all cookies and coffee and now we’re all lozenges and water! [Everyone hydrates] Briana: I guess I like the fact that Donna likes food – I like food, and I think that’s a great character trait. But I don’t think it needs to be something she battles, that’s the unfortunate part of that. Lynn: The whole episode was about Donna’s independence, both psychologically and physically, her being strong, doing CrossFit, and the rest of it was so on point. Briana: And you know what’s funny? Some of the writers were like, oh, I really hope people ship Donna and Doug and I was like, really? Lynn: Umm, nope, people are probably not gonna do that. Briana: And it was cute, the whole conversation was cute, and Brendan who played Doug is lovely, we had a great time together. But it was just like, really? That’s what you get from the script? That you hope Donna shacks up with somebody? [caption id="attachment_46030" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Tweet @OfficialBrianaB – with the delightful Brendan Taylor[/caption] Lynn: Not really what the episode was about. Briana: I feel like men don’t know what to do with women sometimes except pair them with men. Kim: And, well, people don’t know what to do with bodies that aren’t a stereotypical perfect body other than assume someone’s suffering inside. Briana: Exactly, exactly. Kim: Like, this is the size 12 who’s battling with it. And you know what? When she’s a size 12, she’s fucking hot! It’s novel to think that people can accept who they are rather than assuming that like – I had someone be like, “You’re 46? Well that’s okay, I don’t mind”. And I was like, you know what’s funny? I don’t either! Lynn: You know what’s even funnier? Why the hell would they mind? Or why would you? Kim: Yeah, I don’t need your permission to be okay with being 46. So yeah, just that idea that if something isn’t the stereotype of perfection, then there must be an internal struggle to attain that something. Lynn and Briana: [are nodding vehemently] Kim: But again, I think that goes back to why we’re presenting a truth to the audience that isn’t necessarily seen. Because in our society, if you aren’t that Thing, capital T – which, by the way, isn’t REAL – but if you aren’t that Thing that isn’t real, you somehow must be suffering and either trying to become that Thing and failing or not trying to become that Thing and really sad about it. But you know what? That Thing isn’t real. And here’s the funny thing – I am. I’m trying to be me. Briana: People are also uncomfortable around confident people. Especially confident women. Lynn: Ohgod, yes. To what both of you said. Briana: People are always trying to put you down – like, how can you still be standing? Nobody likes you… Lynn: This is what Fangasm Supernatural Fangirls is largely about – that fandom is all about celebrating what it means to be a fangirl, and that includes being REAL. That’s so much of what fan communities are about and why they’re so powerful, because you can’t do that in the rest of the world. Especially not women. As a psychologist, I see so much of the stuff that happens when you can’t be real and your emotions aren’t validated – shame, guilt, eating disorders, self harm. Then I discovered fandom, where people weren’t trying to put people in perfect boxes, and that’s what’s so wonderful about it. And that’s why you both click so well with this fandom! Briana: And that’s why I love the panels, they’re always my favorite part of the con. Because, like Kim said, we speak truths, I don’t know how to speak any other way. And we often – I often put my foot in my mouth, more often on twitter than at a con. Usually there’s at least part of the audience at a con that’s gonna be cheering you on. It feels like such a good representation. I feel like the fans represent me just as much as I represent them. Lynn: I think that’s absolutely true. Did any shenanigans go on during the filming of your last episode? With the boys? Briana: Well, Jared’s always trying to bust you. But only on your coverage! Lynn: Of course. Briana: And if he can’t – if he does something and you don’t laugh at it, he’ll go like this – pffffff – like he’ll make you laugh by laughing! [caption id="attachment_46032" align="aligncenter" width="540"] Plush[/caption] Briana: There were always those scenes. You can read them [Jared and Jensen] pretty well, like sometimes they’re talking business and they don’t wanna fuck around right now, so then we won’t. But then there will be scenes where every time I’ll be holding my sides they would just wind up and smack them down, and then Jensen would kick them out of the scene and they’re just like –they’re toddlers! Kim: They’re like little boys. Briana: I said to my husband, when I was reading the script – Every single one of my scenes is with those boys, I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through! Kim and Lynn: [cracking up] Briana: It’s like with the three of us? It’s not gonna happen. Jared is the worst though. Kim: When they’re together is the worst. Briana: That’s very true. Jared alone, I had some trouble with, but when he’s with Jensen? Oh man. Nothing crazy though, just the usual shenanigans. Just like them teasing me. I feel like they treat me like a sister. [caption id="attachment_46033" align="aligncenter" width="450"] Tweet @OfficialBrianaB[/caption] Lynn: Well, they know you well now. The people who do the cons, you all get to know each other really well. Briana: That’s so true. Lynn: I was just chatting with Shoshanna Stern, who was a guest star on Supernatural this season… Briana: Oh, she was fabulous! So good, that was a great episode. Did you watch it, Kim? Kim: I did. And I was actually there when they were shooting it. Lynn: I loved Shoshanna, I thought Eileen was a great character. Briana: She’s done a lot of stuff too, eh? Lynn: [silently] I love it when Briana’s Canadian comes out… Lynn: It was interesting to hear her view of the boys, because she observes very keenly – and she said, I didn’t know, when they started goofing off, like am I allowed to laugh? Briana: Oh of course! Lynn: And she gave me this run down of how the crew reacts, the director, how she’s expected to react, and the unbelievable way they play off each other. That when it’s one of them, it’s fine, but as soon as the other walks in, they light up and their ages seem to drop by 30 years. Briana: Hilarious! Kim: It’s like the difference between having one puppy in a room and having two puppies in a room – like it really is, they increase exponentially! [caption id="attachment_46034" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Tweet @OfficialBrianaB[/caption] Briana: [nodding] Mm hmm. Lynn: That’s really true. Briana: But you know what? Actually, we’re the same way. Lynn: [laughing] That’s true! Briana: You find somebody that you really mesh well with and then you’re just more of yourself when they’re around. Lynn: Exactly! That’s why I thought it was funny when people hoped fans would ship you with Doug, because you know who most people ship you with. Briana: [grinning adorably] Yes! Her! Kim: [also grinning adorably] Meeeeeeeeee! End of Part 1 of the Kim Rhodes and Briana Buckmaster interview. Part 2 can be found here. We will continue through the launch of Lynn’s book with some of her best Supernatural interviews. Check out Kim and Briana's chapter – along with many other cast and fan chapters – in Family Don’t End With Blood. You can pre-order it here.

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[edrodgg]

My Candy Love - Love Life | Episode 5 Guide | Hyun

Outfits:

The first is for Nath / Hyun.    

The second is for Castiel / Priya.  

The third is for Rayan.

~ Translated content, so wording may be slightly different in My Candy Love.

Negative answers ( - )

Positive answers ( + )

Neutral answers ( / )

PA: 1350 ( approx, with Agatha ).

Hyun: Obviously, I’m not an artist. So, it’ll be a simplified version!

Oh, yes you are. Of course, you’re an artist. A honest-to-goodness pastry genius! It’s a wonderful idea. I love it!  ( + )

I’m afraid the artist won’t like it if we reproduce one of his works on an edible cake… don’t you think so? ( - )

Hyun: Well what do you say? Do we record?

I prefer not to ... When I see everything that is happening to Castiel, I do not feel like exposing myself online. ( - )

Okay, why not?… Anyway, it's not as if the same thing could happen to me as to Castiel. ( + )

Nina:

But then, you haven't told me ... Who is the lucky one?

It is normal to be on the nerves when you are ... in love. ( + )

Agatha is at the entrance to the university, before going to Leigh's shop. :)

Gabin: By the way, he and Leo have gone on vacation for fifteen days. A little respite, go ...

Than!? It's disgusting! I thought they were friends ...

But why? Precisely, it's time to support each other, right?  ( / )

Gabin:

You are right about Castiel. Although he will never show it, he must feel sorry that his friend does not call him.  ( / )

Honestly, your friend goes too far not responding. For him, Twitter is right and Castiel is a thief!

Gabin: I think he wants to talk to Castiel, but since the record company does not trust him, he is afraid of being like the black sheep.

He is also not asked to leave the label.  Simply call a friend when you're having a bad time. ( / )

In any case, he's not scared of being a bad friend… While on vacation, Castiel is savoring him.

Rosa: Well, anyway, I imagine we will know when we should know ... But this silence does not tell me anything good ...

Poor ... he was not doing well on a professional level ... and if it's over between them, it's like going back to the starting box. ( - )

It is not easy ... But hey, between us, if it was over between them, Alex has looked for it a bit, right? ( + )

Rosa: However, passion, by nature, is made not to last ...

He has always been a romantic ... ( / )

Don't you think that passion can last? However, you and Leigh ... ( / )

Rosa: Do you think I see him with the eyes of a high school student who is experiencing her first crush?

I do not agree! Look at me, we still have the passion!

It is true that seen like this ... It would be rather ridiculous. A couple evolves. ( + )

Leigh: Hello Candy. All good? Hasn't she knocked you out with his psycho-blabla? I've heard it from afar ...

Haha, no, I'm fine. At least she likes her job! Also, you're right. ( + with Rosa )

Let's say we want it as it is ... ( - with Rosa )

Castiel: Candy! What are you doing here? We had arranged?

No, it's just that ... I went to see how you were. I'm worried about you. ( - )

Wow, you seem happy to see me, I'm very happy ... Can't you come to see a friend in an improvised way? ( + )

Castiel: And do you really believe him? I don't know what to think ... I just get all of this fed up.

I think Gabin is wrong about Zack. I think he is just an opportunist. ( - )

Not everyone reacts the same way to stress. Apparently he only knows how to do like an ostrich. ( + )

Castiel: Without forgetting all the videos that will not stop appearing ... I'm not sure I want to give the matter a boost ...

Come on, Castiel ... I would like to celebrate the salvation of the gallery with all my friends. If you don't come, it won't be the same ... ( - )

Since when do you let other people's eyes dictate your behavior? Who are you…?  ( + )

Eric: My parents traveled a lot for work. They are musicians.

It should not be easy to grow up without having your parents at home ... ( / )

Musicians? I did not know, I did not know it! It must be great that your parents are artists. ( / )

Eric:

I'm not used to hearing people talk like that, I find it funny. ( + )

The truth is that sometimes I would need an interpreter to understand you.

But I like it. It has a certain charm! ( / )

Eric: He's not in trouble, is he? If that's the case, you know you can count on me ...

Can you keep a secret? It is important... ( / )

Oh, no. Well, not that I know of. But he told you what he was doing here, right? A story of ... I don't remember anymore, I've only brought them coffee. ( - )

If you participate in the video

Dan: It is a matter of principle and elegance. Do you understand

Excuse me, but if I take care of the organization of the event I am free to do the promotion as I want, right?

No problem. There will be no more videos. Roger that. I would not like to contradict you ... It was just ... ( + )

Dan: Just like tattoos! What do you think, Candy?

I ... I really don't have a clear opinion on the subject.

Sorry Dan, I think tattoos are part of art too. I think a tattoo can be as exciting as a painting. ( + Rayan and Dan )

It is true that it is a pity that this artistic expression is so closely linked to its support ...

Castiel: 

Come on, stop it, Castiel! We all know what’s happening to you is profoundly unfair. ( + with Hyun / - with Castiel )

Wait, Castiel, don’t say that. Hyun isn’t going to drop Crowstorm. ( - with Hyun  /  + with Castiel )

Priya: So ... It would be nice if ... I'd really like to talk to her. What do you think?

Listen, if it's as important as you tell me, I'm going to introduce it to you. Although it was very clear about it last time. ( + with Priya / - with Yael)

I'm very sorry, but the last time was very clear about it. It is a delicate subject, I do not want to insist. ( - )

Alexy: Of course, it's true! We are at your house! Can you pay me a drink?

No way. You've had enough to drink tonight. ( - )

You know what? You and I are going to make a bet ... If you can drink a glass of water, invite the house! ( + )

Alexy: But I love him! Why didn't you want to hear me ...?

Don't you have a little idea why? I remind you that your behavior has not been ... irreproachable. ( + )

Calm down, Alexy. Anyway, you are not in the best state to think about all this ...  ( - )

Alexy: You see, Candy ... He has already turned the page ... Three years together and he is sleeping with another two weeks later.

And at the same time, can we blame him for wanting to turn the page?  ( - )

That doesn't mean anything, maybe he's just trying to feel better. ( + )

Hyun: His break-up with Morgan? He got what he deserved, didn’t he?

Right, for sure. I sugarcoated it, but that’s kind of what I tried to make him understand. ( + / Illustration )

I don’t know… it’s a little more complicated than that. Morgan could’ve given him a second chance. ( - )

[chrismaverickdotcom]

The Logan Supremacy.... (no spoilers)

I’ve kind of gotten sidetracked away from doing movie reviews for a bit here. Sorry about that. I’m still not quite sure if anyone cares. People say they want my take, but it always feels like there’s far more people interested in my political stuff. Anyway, I’ve been meaning to write one for Split for a while (saw it a few weeks ago) and didn’t get to it. So now I’m not sure if anyone is interested anymore. Let me know.

That said, there’s a new superhero movie out. Logan. And of course I have to review that one. So here we go.

I’m kind of wondering if the post award season hard-R superhero movie spot is just going to become a thing with Fox. After last year’s Deadpool (which I liked a lot) and this year’s Logan, Fox seems to have something. Certainly something beyond what they did with Fant4stic and X-Men: Apocalypse, both of which pretty much royally sucked. I’m actually quite happy to say that with Logan, they actually had something going here.

I always try to avoid spoilers in these as best I can. Here it’s going to be quite easy because my thoughts on what made Logan work really don’t have much to do with the movie at all. It’s more about what they DIDN’T do that really works for me.

I’m actually kind of starting to hate movie franchises. It’s not just that they’re cash grabs. All movies are cash grabs. All products are cash grabs. That’s just how it works. Everyone wants to make money. And I understand that you need big tentpole films in order to make Hollywood work. And that’s the honest truth of it. For anyone who likes to say that they don’t care about these big budget extravaganzas, you need to understand that they keep Hollywood running. Without big budget superhero films, there is no La La Land or Moonlight. It’s a sharing of the wealth. That’s just the business. And movie franchises have always been a big part of that. I mean literally always. Go all the way back to the Golden Age of Hollywood. We have Casablanca, Citizen Kane and Singing in the Rain because your great grandparents sat through a shit ton of really godawful Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan movies and that’s not to mention Ma and Pa Kettle or Andy Hardy. Because no matter what you like to remember about the Golden Age of cinema… no matter what La La Land and Hollywood want you to believe… most of it was basically a big shit show. Just like now. In fact, in those days — Code Era Hollywood — it was even worse.

But one of the things that the franchises understood back in those days was that they weren’t TV (or maybe more accurately they weren’t radio). The Tarzan films are not high art, but they all stand alone. They are related, but only nebulously. The order of them doesn’t even really make all that much difference. So long as you saw the first one and know the origin story, you’re good to go with any of the. Frankly, if you missed the first one, you’ll basically figure shit out. White dude with the accent of a caveman, swings from vines and yells a lot. Hell, if for some reason you want to make a Tarzan movie without Johnny Weissmüller, just throw in Buster Crabbe. Who the fuck will know the difference?

And this is how franchises have always worked. After the days of movie serials (which were weekly, like TV shows), Hollywood learned that you couldn’t expect everyone to see every film in the franchise and certainly not to wait a year or two for the next installment of a story. This has been the way of franchises for movie history. Even serialized films like Star Wars didn’t require all the parts to tell the story. That’s why they were able to start with EPISODE FUCKING FOUR and most people never even noticed. James Bond is theoretically one ongoing franchise, but it doesn’t make sense in the slightest. Actors change. Events contradict each other. There’s a soft reboot for the most recent Daniel Craig films which takes them back into being prequels to most of the other ones (or a replacement in the case of the Casino Royales) but even those don’t make sense, because they retain the M (Judi Dench) that was hired in the final Pierce Bronson pictures. But it all just kind of works. Because there’s just an understanding by the viewer that continuity in the Bond Universe only matters when it does. The individual films are consistent in themselves and that is is enough. You can watch any Bond film and its fine. The others may or may not have canon that happened. It doesn’t matter. No one cares. If you’re doing a Bond marathon and you happen o hate Octopussy. Just skip it. I doesn’t matter. The same is true of Tarzan, Andy Hardy or (to a lesser extent) even Star Wars.

But somewhere along the way, this broke. Maybe it was Empire Strikes Back that broke it. Even though i remains the best Star Wars movie, it really doesn’t have a beginning or an end. It’s all middle. But it was certainly broken by he time we got to Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. Hollywood figured out that they could make us pay to see episodic TV in theaters. And frankly it kind of sucks.

Not all franchises are like that. The success of the Marvel films is that even though they’re sort of episodic, they don’t really rely on each other much. At least not really Avengers: Age of Ultron kind of did, and it’s one of the things that I really don’t like about that movie. It’s one of the big problems with Batman v. Superman. That’s not really even a movie. It’s a lot of set up for other movies that hasn’t been earned yet. What makes the Marvel films work is that when I walk out of the theater, I (usually) feel like I’ve seen a complete and conclusive story — even if it is a story that is part of a larger one. What makes a franchise not work is when each installment is more concerned with locking the viewer in for the next installment OR PREVIOUS ONES than it is with telling it’s own story.

What made Logan work is that it just didn’t give a fuck.

And it was great because of it. Like Deadpool, this is a movie that exists within the X-men universe. But only in the most superficial of ways. It matters in the same way that it matters that any Bond films related or any Tarzan films. Instead of trying to tell an X-men franchise story, James Mangold directed a simple and compelling action movie that happens to be set in the X-men world. In effect it isn’t really an X-men movie at all. It’s a Jason Bourne movie. It’s a John Wick movie. It’s Léon, The Professional, where the part of Léon will now be played by Wolverine.

And it was fucking awesome.

Ot at least it was awesome for what it was. If you like Jason Bourne style action movies, you should love this. It is the story of a reluctant hero, put into a situation which he didn’t choose, where his only way out is to kill a lot of people. REALLY a lot of people. And kill them… like a bunch. Like so much killing. Like if you’re into a movie where dead fuckers are stacking up left and right. This is the movie for you. If you don’t want to see that, you will not enjoy this. Because there is so so so so so so very much killing going on.

And I’m trying to review this for what it is. This is a franchise movie. It is not high art (which The Professional inexplicably is). It doesn’t want to be. It is trying to be the best franchise movie it can be and the best killing spree movie it can be. I am judging it on that merit. The action was fun. The killing was gory. It gives movies like Bourne and Wick a serious run for their money. At the same time, there is enough of a compelling story to gesture towards something like The Professional to make it something more than a mindless action spree. It has heart and soul in a way that most movies in this genre really don’t. There are real stakes for the character and between the killing… oh so very much killing… the film gives you a reason to care for the characters and want them to succeed. I mean, a reason beyond wanting to see them survive to kill some more.

But it didn’t rely too heavily on it’s franchiseness. What you need to know about the other X-men/Wolverine movies. Logan is a guy with claws and a healing factor. Professor Xavier is a guy with mental powers. They’re mutants. Nothing else matters. These things aren’t explained. Much like it’s never explained why Tarzan is in the jungle or talks funny after the first movie. Why does John Wick have a gun? Cuz he’s a dude with a gun. That’s who he is. Let’s move along.

Beyond that, the other movies don’t matter. Frankly, a lot of the events of the other movies are kind of contradicted by this one. And that’s fine. It just doesn’t matter. Like Bond, continuity only matters in this film when it does. And when it doesn’t, Mangold just doesn’t give a fuck. In fact, probably my least favorite part of the film are the time (relatively few times) that Mangold tries to address the ongoing X-men continuity just to keep the geeks off his back. It’s done with a bit of a wink. He lets you know that the film doesn’t really “fit” and he doesn’t care. The Wolverine character pretty much tells you that directly. It’s too much. I don’t need it and it took me out of the movie. It’s a double edged sword I guess. If he didn’t do it, there’d be a bunch of assholes on Twitter saying “but this doesn’t work, because the events of X-men: The Last Stand say this other thing. Mangold is explicitly saying “I know. I don’t care. That movie fucking sucked and this one is better. Deal with it!” And he’s right. He did make a better movie. But it would be even better still if he didn’t have to say that in the film itself. Bond films never apologize for being Bond films.

The particulars of the film are pretty good. Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart are excellent in their characters… and they should be since they’ve had 17 years of practice. Dafne Keen is also very good in the role of Laura. She’s not going to be getting Natalie Portman/Mathilda style accolades… but she was good and I hope she has a future in it. Seeing her fight as an 11 year old girl was cool, though there were some points where it was kind of obvious that she was stunt doubled or CGI’d out in a way that it isn’t as much so with Jackman and that makes her seem a little more artificial in an otherwise very gritty film. The rest of the cast is basically “okay.” I don’t feel like there is anyone else I can really rave about, but no one is offensively bad (and that’s a positive in a movie like this).

So I recommend seeing it. Especially if you’re a fan of Bourne style movies. It is an excellent entry into that genre (generally not one of my favorites) and, assuming this really is Jackman’s final time in the role as he has said, a great send off to his version of the Wolverine character. Just don’t look for much else out of the film than that. Instead, appreciate it for all he things that it doesn’t do.

And it is the best there is at what it doesn’t do… well… maybe not the best… but pretty damn good.

★★★★☆ (4 out of five stars)

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The Logan Supremacy…. (no spoilers) was originally published on ChrisMaverick dotcom

[awomanthinks]

Journal Entry: August 16 2020

It’s sunday.

A few sundays ago I went to church with another resident at the government owned hotel/shelter that I’m currently living in while I’m waiting to get subsidized housing for when I’m in school. She was my roommate. We had very good conversation, I went to church with her a couple of times and she expressed a strong liking of the pastor also referred to as “The Prophet”… At an evening service the pastor was going around blessing certain people in the church. He chose me to bless and not her.. A jealousy came over her and she became very confrontational and tried to lead me behind a building on the way home and said in a very angry tone “I need to talk to you ari” I refused. I could sense her anger and I have a lot of anger deep inside me too and I did not want it to be triggered. 

   She became more and more angry with the fact that I would not speak to her. I knew I had done nothing wrong, said nothing wrong, nor even looked at her the wrong way. In fact, I had enjoyed the beautiful service and found it so profoundly touching and powerful and I loved it and felt overjoyed during and after. It upset me that she tried to take that happiness from me in a selfish, jealous, envious attack at my joy. 

    We ignored eachother on the way home. When she had addressed me immediately after leaving the church she had been raising her voice at me and addressing me in a very rude manner. Fortunately another member of the church was walking behind us. I rode the bus in tears of frustration… My roommate sat at the back of the bus. Away from me. I had told her that I did nothing wrong, I thanked her for bringing me to the service, told her I had a great time and that I was upset that she was now randomly changing up but I also told her if she is upset at me when I’ve done nothing wrong that is on her, not me and I am not going to be yelled at for someone elses problem. This made her more angry. 

      When we arrived at the subway station I did not look to see where she was, the man from church began to speak with me and ask if I had been at that church before. If I thought the pastor had answered my questions well. (My questions were “When you speak of the second coming of Christ, in your personal opinion how do you believe that this will physically manifest? To which the minister replied “ It is a mystery, noone knows” My question that I later asked to the pastor who is referred to as the people and himself as “The Prophet” was: “ So I asked the minister ______ , and he said noone knows. So if noone knows, how will you recognize that it is christ that has arrived, and by this do you believe Christ may already be among us on Earth? “ To which he replied that when Christ arrives it will be the end of the world and that he does not believe that christ is among us. He said that Christ glows, and is known by the people of the church so he would be recognized. I don’t share this opinion, but I asked so that I could hear his personal opinion.) I replied to the man from church and I told him that they answered the questions with their opinions and that was good but ultimately did not answer my question as it was quite philosophical and noone can answer that question with a factual answer as these ideologies are strictly hypothetical. I was surprised at how well the church received questions from someone playing the role of the devils advocate. 

    Anyway, the man from church then continued into a conversation about religion, his perspectives on Jesus, and so on. Then he asked the question of “Who was that woman getting angry at you outside?” I explained and thanked him for speaking to me as I had felt that I would feel unwelcome going back to the church after being treated that way by the person who brought me. He made me feel as though I would be very welcome to go back. We exchanged numbers and he later sent me bible verses to read and asked to discuss them. 

 I got off the subway at St. George station to ride two trains east in order to save myself a few stops rather than go all the way south, then two stops east, then up north. My roommate and I hadn’t been sitting together, and she continued to ride the train south. I didn’t object, I didn’t say goodbye. After addressing me the way she had I wasn’t intending on speaking with her until I received an apology. I said some positive affirmations in my head. Stopped into seven eleven and got a strawberry drumstick and made my way back to the hotel. 

      I went up to our room and got ready for bed. I started to feel somewhat guilty about having left her on the train in case she had fallen asleep or something or not been paying attention to me getting off and thought I got lost and might look for me and be late for curfew. These were irrational thoughts but I am empathetic so I genuinely worried. I waited and watched TV. 

She got back… When she entered the room she decided to address me now that I could not walk away, we were in the same room so I could not refuse conversation… This was worst case scenario for me and best case scenario for her. She started yelling at the top of her lungs and I have complex PTSD, when someone yells at me I instantly go into fight or flight mode and if I can not run nor fight I dissociate. So being that it is a few weeks later I don’t remember the details of what she said as well as i remember the rest because I had panicked and tried to tune it out because it was unpleasant. I do remember “YOU CANNOT CONTROL ME” amongst a bunch of other yelling…. I remember saying “Control you? I’m not trying to control you, what have I done to seem like that” She yelled over me and continued and continued… In tears and a bit shocked and upset about having had such a great evening at church and just as I had in my childhood, any good experience or any experience that was supposed to be good was stolen from me by the nature of my guardian. As was this beautiful night. Stolen once again, but this time by someone that I have no attachment to.

    I went downstairs and let the staff know what had happened and how I felt it was quite inappropriate that that occurred, I let them know that I would be okay to stay in the room I just didn’t know where it came from. It reminded me so much of the way I was treated in my childhood and early adulthood at home- blindsided whenever I was happy by extreme, overwhelming anger. To be honest, I was in tears. I was very frustrated that I have learned to control my reactions, and I do so all the time now and have for the past year or so of significant personal growth. Just because I am capable of controlling my reactions though, does not mean that just below the surface I am not bubbling with intense emotion that would love to come out in an ugly display. Or a relapse, or many other impulsive, destructive coping mechanisms. 

     I had thought back to the few days leading up to this explosion from my roommate. We had talked about believing in a higher power. We had bonded and she had been kind to me. She had told me she thought I was strong for being in Toronto on my own, going back to school, and keeping a smile on my face and she expressed great appreciation of the way I conduct myself. In our conversations she made it seem as though she was in a much better place. She asked me if I would take part in her podcast about struggling youth and kept telling me it was divine intervention that lead me to her. These conversations filled me with love and excitement, comfort, hope and inspiration. Of course these conversations were before this night at church, although we had gone twice together before she ended up lashing out. 

   She needed help with branding herself on social media. So I edited a photo for her background, I helped her change her bio on twitter, instagram, and youtube. I helped her with trimming her video in preparation for posting it. Helped her with composing her first youtube video title, as well as posting it on twitter, and instagram. I went and shared it myself. While I was helping her she laughed and called me her personal assistant a number of times. She laughed very hard about this and I thought that it was with joy. I was laying in bed, ready to sleep because the next morning we had church. She kept me up asking me to do one thing after another for her until after 2 am. I struggled to stay awake, but I am a people pleaser and she was the first person that I had heard call me inspirational, and appreciate my presence and call it divine intervention in a long time, so seeing her excitement and joy made me feel it was the right thing to do. She repeated  over and over while she laughed. “ I can’t believe I have a PA! I have my very own personal assistant” I laughed a bit with her, but on the inside I struggled to feel good about this comment.

  I mean, I am in this shelter preparing to start school in september. I am here getting sober. I am here to focus on myself. “Is this how it’s going to be staying in this room? My sleep interrupted to be someone elses personal assistant in a homeless shelter?” I thought to myself. “I guess it’s a distraction to my own problems” I decided. I didn’t object to being called her personal assistant. 

     So- Fast forward back to the evening that she created a volatile situation. Yelling and belittling me. Another thing I remember her saying was “ I thought you were so nice but you are a MONSTER” Nothing had happened….. I ran it through my brain over and over….. I knew I didn’t do anything. The only rational thing that could have upset her like that that evening was that the Prophet of the church put his hand on my head and blessed me while she stood behind me. She calls him “papa” and expressed quite a liking for him and is very vocal and interactive at the church and tries very hard to be heard by him.. This was the only rational explanation for such a drastic change. 

    I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself. Not only was the joy that I brought home from church with me dampened, but so was my future with the church. That night I had signed up for my baptism and was looking forward to it. After letting staff know about the altercation, going outside to smoke, and returning to bed… My roommate said to me “ Let’s not fight Ari, I don’t want to fight”.. I was oh so used to this. Not being heard or having a say while having someone take their anger out on me, and then being expected to just forgive and get over it… I said “What’s done is done” And turned over and went to sleep. 

     I will never forget my experience at that church. The energy was spectacular. I know that she does not own the church. She shared with me her mental health diagnosis and I remembered that as she took out her anger at me. I felt as though to her it may feel like if I continued to go to that church that it would be to piss her off. Although it would actually be because of how beneficial I found the experience of going to church I obviously learned that she does not do well when it comes to rationalizing her emotions, and if she felt that I “ Stole” her church from her (irrational I know, but that is the only explanation of her reaction, me receiving attention from the prophet)       I really wanted to continue to go. I have experienced harassment and discrimination from the police, and previous homeless shelters in Toronto as well as one in newfoundland. My confidentiality has been infringed on and many of my other human rights and I’m currently dealing with that as it is, so although that church was a beautiful connection for me to have, she was there first. There are more churches and I did not want to risk it looking like I was asking for an altercation if I continued to go. Often people like to make me seem like the bad guy, because my name is a racial slur and I have an inverted cross on my chest. (really and truly I get treated ways because of these 2 factors)

  I live in such a diverse city, but diversity isn’t synonymous with inclusion. I love how diverse it is here. I’m so interested to learn about the cultures of other people that live here and everywhere else. I make as much of an effort as possible to soak up as much information as I can, like a sponge and ask questions when I’m speaking to others. Without making them feel like I’m treating them any differently than anyone else. I am just an inquisitive person but people are sometimes off put by that. I am just very comfortable in who I am and a lot of people do not like that as not everyone is comfortable with themself. 

 Anyway I’m going off topic a bit here, but it’s on me to gravitate to my own church to go to. It’s sunday today, and I’m sad. I’m sad because this isn’t the first thing that has been ruined for me by someone else. I have to be the bigger person here and find my own path though, because obviously it triggered her that time so I don’t want to have to be a victim if she were to get triggered by it again and to a different degree next time. I’ve been a victim enough in my life that to avoid any conflict there, I had to look like I didn’t want to go back. I have to look like a liar, who after telling the prophet and the minister that I’d be back, I didn’t go back. 

I’ve not kept my word before, for other things.. But that was often drug induced or traumatic family incidents that got in the way. Right now being sober and knowing the reason that I can’t go there because of this has made me a little bit jaded toward getting to know anyone else at the moment.

    When something seems too good to be true it usually is. I could not go back to that church without being asked “ Why didn’t you come back to church for a few weeks?” And to answer the question honestly, I would have to shame a member of the church that all she has is that church. That’s where she goes and is proud to have gone from stripper to church goer. (it’s in her twitter bio so I’m not sharing anything that isn’t public) And I’m proud of her for being passionate about it too. It’s just unfortunate that she is in her 50’s and had to treat a 21 year old the way she did, for what reason I’m still curious to know… 

    The staff moved me out of that room, to another room that I ended up getting assaulted by an old lady (if anyone who reads this wants that story like this post). But despite all the DRAMA that came with going to church with someone instead of finding one by myself to go to, I learned a few things, I learned that I have some questions that only I can trust myself on what I believe in my heart, like the ones that I asked the Minister and the Prophet. I learned that no matter how much better than other people church go-ers think they are, church is not a free pass to be abusive to people in their lives, but notoriously people who go to church are said to be judgemental and I will never sacrifice my mental health to be able to be around a person or certain group of people. I mean for certain things it’s worth it short term to just bare it and take it for the bigger picture, like school, some jobs (but not all jobs if it’s a person above you  who is abusing their power that’s not okay). But friendships? Church? Relationships? There are too many friends, churches, and people out there for me to put myself through pain to fit in. When you’re in the right place you won’t be getting abused in order to move forward. But! When it happens it happens for a reason. As everything does.

     I try to rationalize, maybe she turned on me then so I wouldn’t have to continue biting my tongue while being referred to as a personal assistant. (haha) Moral of the story: My sunday felt a little bit empty today… and it’s up to me to find another religious study to pursue, and a new community of people who believe to learn from. I will be sure not to get too close to anyone who takes their faith seriously enough to cast out those who do not have the same faith though, open minded people are where it’s at! 

Anyway. Thanks for reading. Say your positive affirmations, or write them. Listen to a meditation. Eat healthy. Treat yourself. Breathe. Laugh! Smile. Love yourself <3 

The next part of my post will be my positive affirmations; I’ve been doing this practice since I was 14 in my journals. It has kept my mind emotionally strong, has helped me cope with addiction, has gotten me out of addiction. Has helped me rationalize the things I feel inside as well as override negative thought processes with positive thoughts, feelings, and intentions. How I write them on this post is going to be exactly how I’ve been doing it for years. I’ve been wanting to do this electronically for some time because I am able to type faster than I am able to write with a pen, although I do still write every day with a pen as well because I like how it feels. Grandma (aka me) is trying to get with the future and go electronic! Lol. Enjoy! :)

My positive affirmations for Sunday august 16:

1.I’m so thankful for our health. Our health is increasing every single day, getting better and better. The health of my loved ones, family, friends, animals, other people on earth, and earth itself! Thank you for our healing and our overall health. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. <3  ( I always put thank you 3x because three is the number of creation)

2.I’m tremendously grateful for the resources that are available for us in Canada. The tax paying citizens of canada and the government of canada do really have some good intentions in protecting those that aren’t in a position to protect themselves. Of course there is a lot wrong with the insides of these operations and there is abuse of power and neglect just like in any other business but I have to say that I’m very thankful that the system is willing to work with us if we’re willing to work on ourselves. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

 3.I’m thankful for a comfy bed to sleep in. I’m so thankful after having spent different times in the past few years sleeping on the floor, sleeping on couches, sleeping on futons, sleeping on whatever i could, wherever I could, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t say “thank you” to whatever bed I’m sleeping in and have trouble leaving it because of how my body and mind appreciate the comfort of a good bed. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

4. I’m so thankful for creativity. The creativity that I possess and the creativity that I observe. Creativity is the nature of everything. Everything creates itself and creates am effect externally, I am a creation and a creator I am endlessly finding new ways to create and thus gaining appreciation for the thought and effort that goes into the creation of everything and everyone around me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

5.I’m so thankful for connection. I’m thankful for the knowledge deep inside me that I always have been and always have been connected to “All There Is” “The Multiverse” Or in other words, God. I am a part of this creation, as is everyone else and that brings me joy to remember that we are all a part of something that is a mystery to all of us.. But many of us still have the desire to learn and are excited to find out more about the place in which we dwell and the things that dwell here with us. Thank you for this beautiful interconnected place! Thank you Thank you. 

6.I am always appreciative of my family. My family has influenced me greatly throughout my life. Different aspects of my family have inspired me to be like them, and other aspects of my family have inspired me to be anything but ( No offense guys ). I have learned so much from them and above all else I have learned to love, and to forgive from them. I believe that you can’t truly love without forgiveness because when you love someone deeply when they hurt you it hurts so much more than when a stranger tries to hurt you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for family.

7.I am thankful for forgiveness. The ability to forgive and the ability to be forgiven by others. This is the mechanism on which we move forward and are able to enjoy our present. Resentment and other negative thoughts that plague our mind and our body and create stress and illness within us when we are angry, or hurt or emotional in any way that is harmful to our being because of something that another has done that makes us feel bad. When you can’t change what they’ve done, said, or made you feel..When you can’t and shouldn’t attempt to control anyone else and are left wondering what can take the pain away- Forgiveness. That is the only thing. This is the key to feeling lighter and feeling free from the pain… New things will always happen in our life to test our emotional strength and self awareness and if you’re holding on to old pain on a conscious level and refusing to set the intention to forgive it will not only hurt the other person (if they care, if they don’t it will not hurt the other person AT all ) It will hurt us. It will ruin us and tear us apart. I set the intention to have forgiven EVERYONE for their past actions every day. If someone hasn’t changed their actions and doesn’t necessarily make an effort to even pretend that they care or want your forgiveness, or act like it doesn’t make a difference to them if you forgive them or not.. I still forgive and this is quite possibly the most challenging thing for a lot of people because a lot of us have had things done to us that we still think about.. But every time that we think about the pain someone has caused us, also send out the thought that we forgive them and that it is present now and we forgive. Don’t only say that we forgive.. Wish them positive things, think positive things about them, the more anger that comes up when you think of them, the more positive affirmations we should say for them because to say we forgive them so that we look like the bigger person does not actually do anything to lighten the load if we say it and do not really believe it.. For me it takes constant, every day effort to forgive.. And I put it in. I love everyone on Earth. I forgive everyone on earth. This does not mean though, that I don’t hold everyone accountable for their actions. And that is why I am capable of loving and forgiving everyone, but I don’t have to give them my time, my mental health, and my stability just because I love them. I love everyone from a far. I forgive everyone from a far… Because out of everyone else on Earth, I need to spend the most time loving and forgiving myself. That’s the person who’s there for me every day and always has been and always will be. So I love and forgive myself, all while holding myself accountable the way I do with others. I forgive you all and I forgive myself. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for forgiveness.

Alright! I’m going to stop at seven because seven is my life path number.. If you don’t know what a life path number is look it up! It’s all the digits of your birthday broken down to one digit.

So mine for example:

October, 6, 1998.

10 6 1998

1+0+6   1+9+9+8 

  16 +27

 43

4+3=7 !!

Life path 7 is said to be the mystic! I’ll speak more about that another time. 

Here’s a site that explains a bit about life path numbers: https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/life-path-number-numerology-meaning#:~:text=In%20order%20to%20find%20your,so%20its%20number%20is%20seven.

            A more descriptive website once you’ve figured out your life path number, read about it here!: https://feliciabender.com/seven-life-path-2/

The last part of my usual journal entry is my horoscope(s). I include my zodiac horoscope as well as my chinese horoscope! I am a because I was born in the year 1998. I usually do my affirmations at some random point in the day, but my horoscope at night so I can see if it was relevant at the end of the day, rather than read it in the morning and spend my day trying to act in accordance to what my horoscope “predicted”. That’s just me though :) And I also only write down the parts of it that are relevant for me. I sometimes read the regular horoscope, work horoscope,love horoscope, whichever ones on the list call out to me for that day! 

So here’s my Libra horoscope for today:

-You need to be very vocal about your gratitude

-You will make it clear that you don’t believe in being petty or holding grudges

-Show the universe you are willing to wipe the slate clean and make a fresh start with anyone who is willing to treat you with respect.

-You don’t need to become a new best friend but you do need to start over.

    Tiger horoscope:

-Good luck will smile on you today.

-You’ll benefit from certain invisible but efficient protections (I’ve been carrying amethyst with me all day)

-You risk cardiac palpitations. Slow your pace down a little. (Recently diagnosed with a heart condition and I’ve been slowing it down a lot, glad to receive this reassuring affirmation that I’m doing the right thing! <3)

That’s the end of my usual journal entry… It’s usually on paper but I’ve gone electronic and I thought I’d start using it to blog and maybe some of you will like the idea of adding this to your routine and I’d love to hear about if this benefits you at all! <3 Thanks for reading if you read it and I’ll be back tomorrow!

[ohsnapitssam]

To my almost. :)

It was 2016 when I first had a connection with you. First year tayo non, second semester. Naghahanap ako ng HYDRO Tickets para sa mga friends ko and I saw you posted in a freshie group na you were selling. Nag chat ako sayo sabi ko im interested and pinareserve ko muna. Pero in the end hindi ko na nabili kasi hindi naman kami tutuloy and nabenta mo naman na sa iba. And ayon. we became internet friends. And I was so mesmerized by your appearance, grabe. Hindi ka naman yung typical guy na kapogian and make girls and other gay guys drool or scream. Pero one thing that made me look back is your awesome personality. Yung usapan natin sa chat, I felt very comfortable even though hindi pa tayo nagkikita personally bale virtually crush palang kita non. 

Figure 1.0 First pic na sinend mo sakin. HAHAHAHAHA

Figure 1.1 2016 palang hubadero ka na pota ka HAHAHAHHA

Tapos diba umamin ako sayo non na crush kita tapos sabi mo may boyfriend ka na, w/c is Sid, i said okay and I bypassed this feelings and moved on. (Really?) Tapos ayun magkausap padin tayo through random times. FB, Twitter, texts, calls, etc. Sobrang comfortable talaga ng feeling kapag kausap ka araw-araw.

Figure 1.2 Ito yung unang picture mo na sinave ko sa phone ko non na ACER na bulok HAHAHA. Ito din yung picture na gamit ko sa images ng Messages sa phone ko. :) (Fresh mo pa jan teh)

When First sem starts again second year na tayo non. Hindi parin kita nakikita. Sinabihan mo pa akong cute nung napanood mo ako sa Wish Ko Lang nung segment nung bulag na student sa COC tapos nakita mo ko don lol sabi mo cute ako well ako na to char. Taposl COC Week came, Amazing Race. Blue Team ako non ikaw Green Team. We first interact each other sa main. Naka braid pa buhok mo non and you yelled my name and gave me that sweet smile. I was hardstuck to where I’m standing from that time. Tapos last kami nakatapos ng mga leg don then when we head back to COC andun ka nakatayo sa may puno kina ate Lourdes. Tinawag moko then you hold my hand. I smiled. :) It was the first time we hold hands and I was shocked that time lol pero masaya naman. Then after the event tinext mo ko non e di ko alam kung about saan basta nagtext text tayo non habang nasa byahe ako lol. Tapos palagi kong sinasabi kay ate Jess yung about sayo and kung gaano kita ka crush non that time kasi siya lang kausap ko non nung newbie palang ako 

Then everything was fun and awesome ok ok sige friends tayo and all casual lang na paguusap and everything then there’s this day na sabay sabay tayong kumain apat nila Ally and Brit kina ate Lourdes ayun na ata yung last na interaction natin nung 2016 idk, may mga times na nagkikita tayo sa lobby habang nagtetraining kami. 

2017, sumali kayo ni Ally sa pep, Natuwa na ako na sumali si Ally sa pep kasi someone close to you joined edi nasa isip ko shet, si Jeremy palagi na manonood samin kasi nandito na si Ally, tapos kinabukasan malalaman ko sasali ka na ring dishuta ka HAHAHAHA edi mas natuwa naman ako pero syempre lowkey kilig lang ako :(( Nung sumali ka, syempre di mo alam gagawin mo, tanga ka pa non e. Lol edi nagpaturo ka sa mga seniors namin kina Jess Alex ng mga ganap natin sa squad. Tapos nakasama ka na din don sa BPOlympics tapos binilhan mo pa ako ng donut surprise mo daw sakin sabi ni Jarem, yung mukhang aso na donut pero hindi ko na mamukhaan kasi pinipi niyo na ata. HAHAHA. Super kilig ako non kasi wala lang I love surprises. Tapos ayon, time came when something is happening between you and Jarem and naconfirm lang naming lahat after compet kasi medyo tinatago niyo pa during cheer season. The moment I knew na something is between you two, i said to myself. okay sige. No grudge, I was happy pa nga for the both of you, really, i am! :) It’s kust na very wrong timing lang talaga tayo and siguro mabagal din ako??? I think. Lol nevertheless, i was happy and shipping you both that time. Secretly and lowkey loving you from afar. Ew. And we were still pretty close since then. and even start kissing on the lips like very damn day we meet and parang wala lang sating dalawa. Just like a friendly gesture. Ganun. And I think sakin mo lang ginagawa and kay Kenji ang pagiging kisser mo? Ewan ko.  

2 years passed. 2019. It was still okay, yea keeping things flowy and whatsoever. Then on the second half of the year starting from July, I find out na medyo hindi na kayo okay ni Jarem. Sabi ko, “Anong nangyayari sa dalawa? Issues came up, a lot of things going on inside and outside social media, I know some of it but many of them, no because I’m keeping myself away from being involved. Tapos ayun nga, medyo hindi na kayo okay. Tapos palaging naggagala, staying late hours in Cubao, nag chi-chilltop every after weeks even after training days sa pep. Overnight everywhere, talking about stuff, and i mean EVERYTHING kind of stuff. 

Figure 1.3 Wala lang ang cute natin dito so hehehe 

Tapos ayun lets jump to this October after compet nung uminom tayo sa Chilltop Lacson to celebrate/mourn our loss sa PUP CLC, naalala ko non we are on the same line of seats pero we are one seat apart nakapagitna kasi satin si Ning, tapos nag CR sila ni Jarem so the seats are vacant and you decided na tumabi sakin. Then during the party you are just so so so sweet and clingy ang dami mong sinasabi sakin na about sa future ko na I’ll do great things and saying that you love me so much makes me feel like, putangina yung puso ko sasabog na sa mga pinagsasabi nitong katabi ko. GANON TALAGA YUNG FEELING, MY MINE! Tapos you are kissing me rin in random times which makes my butterflies in my stomach smother around even harder. Then nung natapos na tayo sobrang bagsak ka na non pota sakin ka pa nagpabuhat sobrang bigat mo, my mine :((( Sabi pa sakin nung katabi nating table non kasi nakasabay natin sila pauwi. “Ingatan mo baby mo ha sweet niyo kanina”. Natawa nalang ako tapos buhat buhat parin ktia non. Bwiset ka. Tapos naghiwa hiwalay na tayong lahat non pumunta tayo kina Chano na dapat kina kuya Jaja tayo tutuloy pero nag insist ka kasi di mo na kaya. Sinamahan kita kasi gusto ko safe ka and tsaka ako nagaalala sayo non. Tapos nung hiniga na kita sa lapag non and me myself sobrang bagsak na katawan ko and pa black out nadin. Tapos next thing I knew, ayun na. Alam mo na yon. Hindi ko na dito ilalalagay lahat ng nangyari ng gabing yon at ng umagang yon and na-open up ko na sayo yon before and hindi ko na isusulat yon dito kasi I have respect for you, my mine ko! :) And remember that time nung niyaya kita sa MOA kasama sila Rommel Ivan and Jarem pero hindi ka nakapunta, you said sorry and you appreciated my invitation pero u still didn’t chose to come kasi nga yung sa inyo ni Jarem that time. And that was also the time na umamin ako sayo na gustong gusto parin kita maging boyfriend ko. Sobrang tanga ko non kasi ang bad timing pero you were so honest and very transparent na hindi pa pwede kasi you have still high hopes with Jarem and I respect that sinabi ko naman sayo yun diba, my mine? Sabi mo pa nga hintayin kita and you will wait for our time to come and I was glad that you had that kind of mindset kasi pota 3 years na akong nakapila sa puso mo eh hahaha. Pero at the same time,  things are getting harder and harder on me kasi stage 3 na ako sa sakit ko, and I was so sad that time nung inamin ko sa inyong apat non nila Alli Rommel at Mekai and the whole night I was just staring randomly at people thinking about the one of the biggest decision I made, is to let you go, on your birthday.

Figure 1.4 Skl nilalagyan lang ako ng mga meds sa katawan. DONT BE BOTHERED PLEASE. DI NAMAN YAN CRITICAL ITS JUST NORMAL LOL 

Stage 3 Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy is way damn hard to explain when you are in the situation, imagine yourself being neutral and not able to express emotions that much, as if you have your limit to do so. My mine, sobrang lungkot ko kasi feeling ko hindi na ako marerecover. Na hanggang dito nalang ako, so I did this decision to cut off ties with you. I’m not telling you na ikaw ang may kasalanan, kasi you aren’t. Wala kang kinalaman sa sakit ko or whoever person involved (eg. our common friends etc). It’s all on me. I’m sorry if ever I made you sad or angry(???). I deserve it. All the hate you can give, sige go. But one things for sure, I will never ever forget you as one of bestest (cuz best is not the right word to describe you lol) people I ever met in my life. Every memories we had and shared will always be inside me and will never vanish, I promise you that. 3 years I loved you more than any people I loved. As I’ve said to you, I tried finding love to other guys out there but I still end up falling in love with you kasi I see myself and imagine myself with you in the future way way more clearer than the others. And it saddens me to do that because you are the best thing happened to me and I chose to cut ties with you on your own birthday... Ang sama ko sa part na yon. Pero i dont know what you felt about that. Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. My mine, I love you always and what ever happens, I’ll still love you even from afar because that is my promise to you remember? :) 

Figure 1.5 Kina kuya Ja to. Cute natin nyakakakakka :) 

2020 is fast approaching. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kakalimutan na kita, my mine. Pero that is the one thing na hindi ko na fullfill. Kasi I can’t and I won’t. I can’t afford to lose every single piece of our great memories just because I have this sickness inside me. Sana when we meet each other ulit somewhere out there, ikikiss mo parin ako, ihuhug mo pari ako, hahawakan mo parin kamay ko, magiging same persons pa rin tayo just like before. 

I love you so much, my mine ko! When you finished reading this, I just want you to know na I’m always praying for your safety and for your blessings to come to you and I’m looking forward to see you in your successful self! Isko ka na ulit pero sa UP na. Sobrang nakakatuwa and I’m so indeed happy for you. <3 Super salamat sa lahat ng good and bad memories natin. I appreciate you and your well-being. I’m excited yet nervous when December 31 comes kasi that will be the time when I’ll gice you this blog and siyempre natatakot ako sa kung ano man yung magiging reaction mo. But anyways, ayon lang. Ito na yon. I love you so soooo much, my mine ko! :)