#sorry to any ramona fans who might read this

[randombook4idk]

me trying to hide my dislike of the sudden reveal in dg that cerise has a sister: i just would've prefered it if ramona was her cousin-

[popculturebuffet]

Scotrospective: Scott Pilgrim Vs the World (The Comic)

Hello, Hello, Hello scottaholics! And what a beautiful day it is: After decades lost in the lost woods, at least it had that catchy tune to keep it company, Scott Pilgrim Vs the World: The Game is FINALLY back and performing for you on all platforms!

Even Stadia, the platform most likely to disappear like this game did for a while! Cheap shots at the stadia aside as a huge fan of the franchise as a whole and of this game who played it back on the 360, and had since sold said 360 so I had no way to get it back or ever play the dlc packs. Seriously who didn’t want to play wallace but never got to? Everyone, everyone is the answer. But with those the entirety of what I consider to be the main cast is playable, it has online so you can beat up hipsters, guys in costumes and robots with your friends, it’s a good damn feeling.  And since i’m in a celebratory mood, naturally i’m also feeling like a review. And since it just so happens the next volume up in my look at the comics is Vs the World, seriously I planned this review for this month without thinking to have it come out on the same day as the game until a week or two in, I felt there was no better way to celebrate the biggest day for Scott Pilgrim fans in some time.. and for Brian Lee O Malley as he’ll stop getting twitter asks about it. So with all the exposition taken care of LAST TIME, and the link right there if your curious, we can jump right in. On with the show!

After our opening titles, and yes this comic has opening titles, with Ramona sitting solmely in the rain. 

And Scott caught in the title. The rain shot is real pretty by the way. But yeah once we get past those we’re taken back 7 years ago. Finn found out his father was an asshole, and voiced by Stephen Root so hey you take the good with the bad, Steven just learned the horrifying truth about Gem Monsters, Guardians of the Galaxy saved the MCU and I was trying to find work after college.. wait... sorry sorry that was 7 years ago from THIS year. The comic came out in 2005, though the comic takes place on a sliding timescale where only like 2 years pass so I dunno when this is. Let’s just say 98.  Okay so 1998: Bill Cllinton’s sex scandal breaks, and puts way too much of hte blame on the young intern whose life came to be defined by one stupid mistake she made with a man who was way older and should’ve known better, the tide of the Monday Night War turned in favor of the WWF as Stone Cold Steve Austin became a household name, and it was an utterly standup year for video game relaases with Ocarina of Time, Banjo-Kazooie, Crash Bandicoot: Warped, StarCraft, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, WWF: War Zone, Pokemon Stadium, Spyro The Dragon, Pokemon Yellow, WarioLand 2, Oddworld: Abe’s Exodus, Star Wars: Rogue Squadron, Pokemon: Trading Card Game and Sonic Adventure. It’s like someone took a good chunk of my childhood and squeezed it into one year holy shit, I did not expect this when looking up what came out in 98. 

And while the movie pool wasn't’ quite this amazing, we still had The Wedding Singer, The Big Lebowski, the dude abides, Batman and Mr Freeze: SubZero, The Truman Show, Mulan, the good one not the one made near concetration camps that makes her into a demigod, Saving Private Ryan, Blade, Simon Birch, Scooby Doo on Zombie Island, Rushmore, Bride of Chucky, HalloweenTown, Plesantville, and the Prince of Egypt. And in music Weird Al changed from his first signature look to his second, getting Lasik and growing out his hair. Seirously had no idea that was this year. Good to know. Also Elton John got his knighthood. Super shooters. I could go on with 1998 triva for days but I cannot go on for 8 weeks so let’s get to the point here.. during alllla this�� Scott Pilgrim, age 16, was starting St. John’s Catholic School and a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble. . by threatning to beat him up for no real reason. A fight insues and we cut to the principal’s office as Scott’s still a minor and not allowed to get into death fights just yet under the people’s freedom of choices and voices act. 

It’s here he meets Lisa Miler, a peppy and sarcastic blonde, who’s intrigued by the fact Scott somehow got beat up after being here just 15 minutes and wants to be friends. Naturally for scott next we see him he’s busy playing video games, and annoyed someone else is around and wondering who this person whose now in his basement is. God no wonder teenage me related to him. So for the next few pages we see their friendship in time lapse: Lisa joins him at lunch, then geninely wonders since Scott’s Untentionally a dick if he hates her.. it’s part of why I think Scott has some form of autisim. And not just because I tend to belivie a character is on the spectrum all the damn time, it’s because of the way he acts: while he is nice and charming at times.. he also clearly has trouble relating to people or realizing how his actions effect them and as seen here in a younger form can often be compeltely distanced from normal social queues, not getting how his actions might be seen until Lisa outright talks to him about it. I mean.. it’s not a huge stretch, and it dosen’t mean he’s nto responsible for his own actions, but it does EXPLAIN a lot of them better: why he just sorta forgets about Knives post-ramona but at the same time still cares enough he dosen’t want to hurt her despite you know, that ship sailing just by having moved on. 

But now the two are friends and his parents, who we meet for the first time and sister inquire about her being his girlfirned.. and by next jumpcut his parents apparently don’t want him hanging out with girls? What exactly the fuck? Also they mention Laurence, Scott’s brother whose missing for most of the books and has no real payoff for not being around. Next cut we get KIM!

Thank you Prissy. And she’s.. not all that different, assuming, correctly that their partner project, how she meets scott will just result in her doing all the work.. which not only is how these things usually went when I was in high school a decade later, but reminds me of the time me and my friends curtis and justin were put on a project and when asked who the alied powers were, guessed “Germany?”.... you can understand my fear. And also Curtis punching him for getting nothing done.. and not hard or brutally mind you just once quick in the gut and with full warning. Ah... the adaquate old days. 

So back to Lisa as, since Scott’s Mom has a guitar.. a fact I.. never honestly thought about. Seriously I never realized her children, since the Bass Scott has for most of the books is Laurence’s, getting into music was probably due to her. Also Lisa makes her case for WHY be a band: the school has a regular event called Lunchapalooza, where everyone goes to and since by teen logic, just being in a band is automiacally cool, she figures they can jump from not QUITE being in any cliques to being super cool. Which honestly yeah... while I didn’t know any bands in high school, the fact one of my friends, ironically named Scott, was a DJ automatically made him pretty damn cool once he got past his awkard phase. I never got past mine but somehow was loved by all except that one douchey kid in our group who mocked me for naming my Luxray kim, assuming it was based on Kim possible and not Kim Pine... though frankly how that’s an insult when Kim Possible was a fucking awesome show and character is beyond me but he was just 17 and also a douchebag, it didn’t have to make since it just had to piss off the easily pissed off kid with aspergers. So Scott poses how they can be a band with just their guitars and Lisa concedes drums WOULD help.. I mean it’s what MADE Shallow Gravy. 

So while Kim wonders if Scott is dating Lisa, because teenagers don’t really get girls and boys can be friends without wanting to be together, though not often as teenage boy brains can be rather stupid and horny... can confrim from personal experince. So it becomes clear Scott has a thing for Kim, and when Scott tries broaching it with Lisa she dosen’t take it well and he backpedals to asking her to be her drummer and plans to monday, proving Scott has somehow not gotten better at reading women, or anyone after 7 years. Can relate. 

So yeah he decides to ask Monday, same day as their presentation.. and thankfully missed the bus as he arrives to find the Benvy Tech boys came in, took everyone out and abducted Kim. Because yeah, just in case you were wondering Scott’s life was always like this.. or was it? Questions for later. So one Canadian Version of River City Ransom later, Scott’s made his way to simon... who, since most of you have probably seen the movie or art of the movie.. looks an AWFUL lot like Gideon. Hrmmm. Simon is naturally the final boss here and wonders if this is the best St. Joels can muster. Scott quips back as only Scott can. 

So cue an unsuprisingly awesome actoin sequence. IT’s part of why I love these color editions: While they already LOOKED thoroughly fantastic the added colors really help the series shonen manga meets old school video game vibe REALLY fucking pop. So Simon pleads mercy which like Scott delivering a good quip.. should’ve really been a red flag to younger me and is foreshadowing for later in case I was too subtle. He then does what any noble hero would do.. kicks simon into the sunset, tells Kim how he feels and asks her to play drums. They then make out. Awwww. 

Lisa suprisingly takes it well as the next montage shows.. granted we’ll learn in Feburary she wasn’t QUITE as over scott as it seemed, but the three, along with a friend of Lisa’s whose name I forgot and who DOSEN’T come back so I’m not going to bother learning, form their own friend group, Scott and Kim get an A, and Scott, Kim and Lisa’s band is dubbed sonic and knuckles, which is an objectively awesome band name. Something the series really does great: Video Game Based Band Names. Crash and the Boys, Sex Bomb-Omb, Clash at the Demonhead... we need more bands like this in the real world dammit. So then they play their big game, the two loose their vrigniity.. and then Kim asks scott “your moving to tornoto?” And.. for now.. that’s that. 

While the framing of that will be VERY important in the last volume, as notice how KIM’S the one who brings it up and it’s not explicitly stated scott actually told her, this flasback is great. While it does contribute to the volume’s drifty pacing, more  on that as we go, it brilliantly sets up a LOT of stuff for later, paticuarlly Lisa who I assumed wouldn’t be back and younger me’s jaw fucking DROPPED when she popped up in Volume 4. Granted i’m spoiling that suprise for you now but odds are most of you reading this have either alreaddy read these or were probably wondering if the girl from the animated short ever had any actual relevance in the books. So yes, yes she does. She’s also the pink haired girl you see pop up in the game in the background, as a nod to O’Malley’s comic strip style which had her and Kim as the leads.  Also yeah for fans of the game or movie or even the comics who were unaware.. this prologue got an animated adaption on adult swim to promote the movie. Naturally Micheal Cera and Allison Pill reprised their roles as Scott and Kim, with Mae Whitman voicing lisa.. and honestly being perfect for the roll, and Jason Schrwartzman voicing Simon naturally. While the animation is slightly limited, it still looks decent and expertly translates O’Malley’s art, while sliming things down slightly where needed to fit a short, and the anmation takes a huge bump for the fight scene which like the comic is short but awesome. While it has no real bearing on the film as Kim’s former relationship with Scott never really comes up or has any impact, as the Film while good was based primarily on volumes 1-3 with small pieces of 4 (paticuarlly the iconic “Lesbians gag”), with Wright working off outlines and drafts of 5 and 6, so the last half hour or so is mostly Wright’s invention. 

Not a bad thing as it’s still awesome and not o’malley’s fault but it means kim dosen’t get to do much, and is a big reason why I want an adaptation on netflix or hbo max. While i’d still want changes both because there’s no sense doing an adaptation if your not going to make some tweaks of your own and because it’d be intresting to update the series to modern day, both in societal conventions and so everyone stops saying the r word. Seirously the most telling sign of the series age is that word showing up quite a bit during the first half of the series. Point is there is merit in doing another remix of the story and doing a longer form one so we can get more of the characters, as well as flesh out ones like Steven, Neil (Who was done WAY better in the movie adaptation thanks to the wonderful Johnny Simmons), and Stacey who got the shaft in the books. Again, not slagging off the movie, it’s really great. Just saying there’s always room for more Scott Pilgrim content and we all know it. 

We’ll get back to the comic proper, and the present day of 2005, after the cut. 

So the story proper opens with Scott dreaming of playing video games... because of course he is with Ramona walking in. and finding it charmingly pathetic but wanting her boyfriend to you know, get out of bed. It’s 11:30.  So with Scott’s ass out of bed, we find Scott, Age 23 idiot with a heart of gold and Wallace, 25 king of all gays, on the bus as they talk it getting warmer and Lucas Lee, movie star and jason lee stand in coming to town to film a movie.. and Scott being Scott gets him confused for Luke WIlson. He’s also seen Bottle Rocket which.. good on him. Seriously while not wes anderson’s best film, those were made long afte this comic was published, it’s still a damn good one.. where was his career at this point... looking it up life aquatic was his most recent films and is still one of my favorites. So yeah he was in a good place career wise. 

Scott proudly talks about having Ramona over in a couple days so she can see his place and meet Wallace. But as explained by Wallace for those of us just tuning in, he already met her last volume. You know during that time Stacey thought she could magically make her date not be attracted to someone else.. and yes even almost a month later not letting that one go. Stacey should know better. Not saying i’ts right Wallace keeps poaching her boyfriends, but she still shoudlnt’ try and force a relationship with a guy or even finish a date with one who makes out with someone else, regardless of gender, mid date. She deserves better. In general not just in this one scenario but we’ll get to that. 

Point is while Scott, as usual, is a bit pissy about this Wallace.. has no time for that and issues an ultimatium

And he’s not bluffing, as he fully intends to tell Ramona the minute she walks in the door if he dosen’t break up with Knives. It really shows Wallace off at his best and why he’s Scott’s closest friend: Kim and Stephen do care about him but Kim both has a LOT of unresolved issues and sexual tension with him and keeps eveyrbody including Scott at arm’s length. And Stephen.. while he will OCASIONALLY call Scott out mostly just enables him, either ignoring his college buddy’s shittier behavior or playing along with it and backing him up when Kim rightfully calls him on being a dickhead. While both love their friend they just aren’t the best at dealing with his shit or getting why he does the things he does good and bad.  Wallace on the other hand geninely likes Scott. He’ll lock him out of the house and tell him to sleep elsewhere so he can bang one out, he’ll not wear pants if he dosen’t have to and he’ll certainly hit on Scott just to get a rise out of him, phrasing.. but he also genuinely cares for the guy’s well being. He lets him sleep in their house basically rent free since scott has no money, buys most of their stuff, and is, as we’ll see in this one, the ONLY one of his friends to take an active part in the fight against the exes, training Scott and researching his opponents when he can get info. He won’t baby Scott as seen here, but he will help him, and he will be the harsh voice of reason his friend needs.  And he did TRY doing a softer approach last time, simply telling scott to break up with his fake high school girlfriend. Scott had every chance to dump Knives during the last third of the first book.. it’s just a combination of both Knives and Ramona being in the same place and Scott getting panicky meant he balked. He NEEDS to be pushed into leaving Knives or he’s not gonna. And he also gets it’s not just Scott being a shifty coward: Scott DOES like Knives.. he just found someone who actually challenges him, intrests him and connects with him on his level, versus someone who worships and adores him like a puppy who just happens to be skilled with knives. The relationship with Knives. was an ego boost, an unequal paring that gave Scott the illusion of moving on from Envy. Ramona is him ACTUALLY moving on and given how badly Envy fucked him up, which comes into play in this book and the next, Wallace recognizes that Scott does need her... but this relationship can’t go anywhere if Scott is seeing someone else, and they both know it. Wallace is just the one who’s willing to do something about it to force scott to do something about it. He’s doing this for Knives too: it’s very clear he cares about the girl, was against this from the start, and knew this was going to end in pain and the faster Scott rips off the Band-Aid the faster she can move on to someone closer to her age and far more equal to her. Scott.. takes this about how you’d expect, even calling Double Standard, as Wallace does sleep around.. and while Wallace will be a homewrecker to Stacey.. otherwise it’s not remotley the same. Wallace does his sleeping around either casually or when he does get a partner, with their consent from what we can tell. He never cheats or anything, he just likes to bone. So yeah Scott doesn’t have a leg to stand on and acts accordingly. 

One of my faviorite gags in the series and one that’s etched in my head for keeps. So with a justified Ultimatium over his head Scott calls knives to hang out. Knives.. shows off that as adorable and trusting as she is.. she’s also kind of creepy and shows up just outside the phone booth he’s calling her from.  So the two go to a record store and Knives tries to get Scott into Clash at the Demonhead, her faviorite band. But since i’ts you know, headlined by Scott’s ex as we’ll find out, he’s not into it. But before that can get awkward.. it gets awkward in another way as Knives invites Scott to dinner at her parents place. Which is an objectively bad idea even before you get into the fact Scott wants a way out and as Volume 4 will show us her dad is both not happy with the idea of her dating a white guy and willing to use a katana to prevent it so he dodged a bullet there. Scott TRIES weasling out of it, but his “I’m too old for you” thing falsls on deaf ears.. and actually explains why she thinks this is normal: her parents are 9 years apart. of course obviously two consenting adults with a decade between them is a mite bit diffrent than 5 years between a teenager whose taking this way too seriously and a grown man whose taking this not seroiusly at all and dosen’t get how effed up this is. But Knives is too naive to get that, and papers over any possible concerns about her parents not wanting her to date a white guy with i’m in love.  Seeing that he has no EASY way out of this, as he shouldn’t, Scott just rips off the band aid and bluntly breaks up with her, saying it’s not going to work out. Knives.. is clealry devistatd. To her this was a serious relationship.. and Scott realized that too late.. and thankfully while he didn’t break up with her in the best way, at all, simply syaing i’ts not going to work out and confirming to her he means it, it’s clear from his face this hurts to do and he knows he’s REALLY hurting her and REALLY shoudlnt’ of dated her to begin with. IT’s why Scott dating a teenager dosen’t make him a morally rephrenisvie monster: because he was genuinely intrested, didn’t use her sexually, and there are tangible consequences for his actions. Knives just dosen’t disappear neatly into the sunset so he can be with ramona. The rest of the series covers her emotoinal recovery from being with Scott, and how she very horribly handles it and that’s why this plotline works at all: she’s not some act one contrivance to be thrown away, sh’es a human being, and more than that a young woman who got hurt REALLY bad and got way too in over her head with someone who just..wasn’t the one fo rher no matter how much she can’t admit that. 

We also get one of my faviorite sets of pages as Scott relfects on things and the sheer devistation on Knives face, which credit to a series that even at this early point loves it’s big bold facial expressions.. her’s being more subded just makes it sting MORE. 

This bit to me is vital to keeping Scott sympathetic and to his character. We see he really does regret what happened, dosen’t know how to process it and genuinely feels awful. As I said instead of some exgerated face that would still hurt him.. her face is quiet, clearly unable to process this and clealry lost and hurt.. and that hurts more than any fuck your or sobs he was probably expecting. Just her clearly not getting WHY he’s doing this or why he hurt her, and he KNOWS why he just knows telling her the truth would hurt her even more. But.. as he thinks.. his thoughts move to something else.. and the WHY of why he did this. 

He did it for Ramona. Wallace was as harsh as he was right: he needed a clean slate to actually give this relationship a shot and the smile comes off less as him being a calous dick whose just happy to move on, I mean he is a little, but more jus tsomeone READY to finally move on. He found the right person, he let the wrong one go if clumsily.. he has a future to look forward to and he can smile about that. 

Granted he’s still his usual unteitonally callous self and his way of telling his friends he and knives broke up is to casually say so and say “dont’ worry you’ll meet my new girlfriend soon.” Their reaction.. is my own. 

Look just because Scott is a nuanced douchebag dosne’t stop him from being a Douchebag. It just means he isn’t intolerable to watch and you actually care about him growing as a human being is all. 

So with that out of the way, it’s date night and Ramona is coming over.. also Scott is considering calling her Ramy which no. I'm genuinely in favor of a pet name that’s just a variant on someone’s name but a bit cute, as it’s just the right level of obnoxious, but no, just no Scott. No.  Ramona enters, meets Wallace again and sits down while Scott tries to shoo him out.. because turnabout is fair play bitch. They also see Ramona’s new hair as she dyes it something new for the first time, in this case a very lovely two tone, the purple from last volume but with a darker purple bellow it. I honestly wish she went for multiple colors in her hair again, but likely didn’t since the book was originally in black and white... which still dosent’ make sense as it would’ve been EASIER that way. Regardless Wallace makes himself scarce proving that he’s more than willing to be equal in terms of one of them spending the ngiht elsewhere. What a guy. 

Ramona finds out a few things about Scott: That his apartment is VERY small, just one room with a bed, a cabinet, a small kitchen and a bathroom, which despite what scott says I REALLY dont’ count as another room. Just common sense. She also learns that he can COOK. Yeah while you’d expect Scott to just get a wad of “I did the ultimatum thing okay now gimme” money and buy dinner but no.. he made the whole thing himself from his own recipe.  And once we cut to them eating on the floor.. turns out yeah he not only can cook but is REALLY good at it. She wishes there was a table which, small as the place is.. fair point. I mean at least get some tv trays. You have chairs. Or at least the easy chair. You can get nice padded folding chairs so you have a second chair guys. I know your poor but come on. Also Scott leanrs bread makes you fat. Good stuff. Also Scott freaks out when , while making out with Ramona in bed later, she mentions his hair’s getting kinda long and could use a cut... which turns out to be a thing for him. He isn’t an ass about it he just panics a bit because he’s partially convinced his last relationship’s nightmarish breakup was because of a bad haircut he got. As we’ll see next week, that’s a no but as someone whose a touch neroutic myself I get blaming a larger issue on something trivial. 

So we then get to the next chapter where it’s KIM’S turn to have a dream.. and the only time we see someone else's dreams. Honestly.. I really would’ve liked if it was a recurring device, even have Ramona pop into other people’s Not used ALL the time but I could easily see it being used with Knives to convey her obsession with Scott and her pain or kim again to help move her plots along or Wallace because I want to know what’s going on in his head. It must be a maze of male gentalia and fine liquor the likes of which has never been seen. It’s scotts funeral as Simon killed him and Scott’s corpse wonders if she dreams about this a lot. 

So we see her get ready and wake up her roomate Sarah whose a bitch. And as we’ll see in one of the backups, so’s the rest of her roommates. So drifting into work. Hollie is a character I really liked... the past tense will be explained later. And the first scene is probably why as her and Kim banter effortlessly, with Kim suggesting maybe she was a happy kid... only to admit quickly no she wasn’t, she was pretty withdrawn and then pretty angsty over someasshole who will be named Scott. “Your a holy terror kim, and i’m glad your on your side”> It’s a short scene but the kind this series excells at: just realistic, fun little exchanges bursting with character. I also GENUINELY wish we got more of this kind of thing, as only Knives really gets these kind of scenes to herself for the most part. There ARE scenes without Scott, but not enough like this that just give us as look into what his friends lives are like during the moments they aren’t putting up with his dumbassery or watching him engage in mortal combat. It’s why i’ve been hoping a spinoff will happen even though it likely won’t SOON. I’m sure O’Malley will return to this world some day, but between Snotgirl and Wicked World, which will come out when it’s ready but should be good.. he’s just really busy. But i’d love to see more of Kim.. or Wallace or Knives. The latter two are a no brainer: Knives is the tritagonist of the books, and it’d be intresting to see what she’d be like 5 years at the book, at the same age and stage in life as Scott. And with Wallace it’s because we really DON’T see his friend circle, life or what goes on with him. We hear him talk about a new boyfriend, who we don’t meet until near the end of the series, though you can see him in stage 3 of hte game if your curious, we see him with some random friends in volume 4, but we really don’t KNOW what hyjinks and lojinks wallace gets up to. He’s pretty isoalted from the rest of the main cast, something I hope an adaptation could fix as while realistic i’td be curious to see what his relationship with Kim or Steven would be like. Just food for thought. 

Point is this was a good scene. But as is typical for Kim’s life just when she has some serenity her ex crashes back in. In this case Scott needs to rent some movies, kim works at a rental store and god teenage me really wanted a clerks style spinoff.. but enough spinoff talk. Scott asks kim to bororw them, of course and explains he’s training for his fight with Lucas.. which Kim reacts to finding out her second best friend is in a series of death matches. 

She has understandable questions such as how the hell doe she know that and is he stalking Lucas and just hoping he’s an ex.. which let’s face it would be a very scott move. But nope Wallace told him, likely learning in an interview he dated Ramona or is coming for scott because he knows everything. We also get one of my faviorite exchanges when Kim wonders why Wallace and Scott are roomates.. a valid question he deflects by saying i’ts a long story. 

Also yeah, as much as casting Micheal Cera backfired for the movie.. that panel there proves there wasn’t another choice at the time. When you want a loveable, somewhat douchey, but also somewhat innocent and oblivious slacker.. who you gonna call. Also before we move on.. Kim.. how are you this suprised. You were there for the fight with Matthew. And Ramona giving out the exposition on why he’s there.. and you even did that whole weird space channel 5 thing no one ever did agian and to this day I will never understand what O’Malley was going for and only know the refrence by hearing that’s what it was. Point is you shouldn’t be this suprised.  Anyways we next cut to Ramona and Stacey, as Ramona enters her workplace, second cup, and they talk and Scott’s spider sense goes off... 

I mean it’s just a bad feeling but still.. weird. WE’ll get back to that later. Scott is in the middle of his training.. and I love the mentor side of Wallace and feel it didn’t get used enough as the series went on. As said before he cares about Scott, so he serves as his Shounen Mentor and a great one: he’s stern and makes Scott work, but he also gets his student and what Scott needs to work. I just wish he’d taught Scott some actual combat, but as we see Wallace’s combat skills boil down to yelling useless info from the sidelines.. I mean he can be useful, we’ll see that next week, it’s just he’s not an action guy. But spirtually he’s the guy scott needs to kick his ass into shape. That being said his “training” consists of watching Lucas’ movies, playing tony hawk and when Scott wants to play more Tony Hawk, having Scott do pushups while Wallace plays Tony Hawk.  Before we turn... there is an elephant in the room I just gotta shoo out: Lucas.. is easily the worst setup of the 6 exes. Patel SEEMINGLY comes out of nowhere but his letter and email hint SOMETHING is coming up, and his flashy dynamic entry intro is damn cool and is what turns the series on it’s head, from an indie comic about a guy getting it together.. to that but with huge shonen dustups with epic visuals. Todd is introduced masterfully here, and is a presence from the start of volume 3 as a result, Roxie gets a slight tease in the free comic book day issue, and her not attacking for two months not only sets up tension but allowed for a red herring.. im’ not only hiding that the fourth ex is a she because anyone whose seen the movie or played the game knows the fourth ex is a woman. The cat’s out of the bag, no sense hiding it. The Kentangis show up pretty early on and Gideon is hinted at and built up, as this towering, mysterious figure, his relationship with Ramona, who he is, why he set up the league, and just how fucking strong he is is all obscured, with his only four apperances simply teasing the big final showdown and giving him that much more mysitque. 

Lucas.. is just sorta intorduced like “Hey I gotta fight this guy”. There’s just.. nothing. Scott’s just gotta fight him because he’s next up and Wallace knows that because plot convience. It’s VERY lackluster given what comes before.. and frankly while I like Lucas, he’s the weakest plot and character wise. HE’s not even really EVIL, just a sellout and is more doing this because he has to I guess, and likely because of stuff we find out in Book 6 but sssssshhhhh. We’ll get more into that when the fight happens but it’s one of the books weakest points. The evil ex.. just feels like an afterthrought again despite there being no reason to. Thankfully this would never happen again as I said, but it dosen’t make this any less frustrating. 

So we cut to Sex Bomb-Omb practice, and after that we get more tease for Clash at Demonhead. And Stephen.. is cool with them and entirely happy one of them made it, while Scott is understandably pisssed off about it and not happy one of his best friends is you know, promoting the band of his ex who broke his heart and as we’ll get more into next time, said rising career is what tore them apart. So yeah Stephen’s a dickhead, and I was wrong last time that he got better. He really.. dosen’t. He gets less CREEPY.. but out of the main 6 characters he’s the weakest: he dosen’t have much of an arc, does some very questionable shit in the second half, and his being around means we have to suffer through Julie. I’ll tear into him more on a case by case basis but for once Scott’s not overreacting. While Kim does nothing she also has no idea just HOW bad things were and Scott won’t tell her. Stephen was there the whole fucking time. He just saw Scott’s rebound with a teenager. He knows he was kind of messed up after this. Dosen’t justfiy knives but still he looses the moral high ground he tries to have at times. 

So while Scott shops a song for Ramona to her, Knives calls Scott’s place clearly setting up another suprise apperance. Wallace.. figures out what sh’es doing quick and simply gives her a stern “You have to go” And to me it’s not him being a dick.. he’s both trying to save her from seeing Scott with Ramona and fucking her up worse... and is looking out for her. She needs to move on and moving up to stalking Scott’s not going to help that. Scott dosen’t WANT her anymore, and while he handled it bad, Wallace gets she needs to see that. Granted he could’ve you know explained it to her and tried talking, but as i’ve said he’s not a perfect person and he was also on a time table to get her out of there in case Scott you know, showed up with his new girlfriend and made things a billion times worse. And the two are indeed headed to his place to watch one of Lucas’ movies, and part of that weak setup is that Ramona.. just has no connection with him. It was high school. Scott also pretends he dosent’ remember his. You are a lying liar sir stop that.  So they watch the film together hanging out, and it’s.. really bad. The good one was rented out. I miss rental stores.. a magical time. I mean i’ts better now, streaming means 80% of movies are avaliable if you have a bunch of services and even if you just have netflix or hulu or hbo max, you still get a pretty decent selection each month. Plus digital rentals are super easy. Do miss redbox though. I mean it’s still there I’m just warry of something that relies so heavily on touching things in a state with a lot of trump morons. You CAN get Covid twice and I don’t wanna. Also we get some dated Dialouge as Scott commenting on Lucas being hot, he is good taste Scott, is given a “good job convincing me your not gay”. He and ramona end up having sex though so .. yay? I dunno. The series has a really weird thing about not getting bisexuals exist and as someone whose bi, and really against bi errasure it bothers me, it bothers me a lot. Though given O’Malley apparently has not only far more queer rep in snotgirl but a bisexual lead, he’s clearly learned so i’m not going to drag him too hard on this. It was the early 2000′s. People were pretty damn stupid about this. Creators have gottten MUCH more important issues much worse. 

So the next morning, Scott gets a call from his well meaning but ditzy mom, and reacts like you’d expect. His parents are in Europe to keep them out of the action and what not. Though apparently according to the last book his mom did read volume 3 at least. Or Wallace told her about the relevant bit. You make the call. 

So i’ts Ramona’s turn to meet Sex Bomb-Omb. The group hang out and discuss Gordon Downie. 

Look I don’t know indie bands. I have no idea who the tragically hip are I just know the name is really hipstery. We also get the recipe for Vegan Shepards Pie. None of them are vegan they just wanted to try it and I.. really want to make this some time. Just to see if it’s any good. But yeah it’s in general a fun casual scene, as Kim reveals she and Scott dated, just to break the tension, and Scott tries out Rammy but quickly backpedals. Just fun slice of life stuff. Oh and Knives is watching them from the window and takes Scott dating someone else as well as you’d expect. 

So she gets some hair bleach to do some highlights and calls her friend Tamara over. We met her last volume as she dragged her along to the show, but it’s here we really get to know what she’s like.. i.e. the sane one in the duo, rightfully pointing out Scott’s not that great. Also Knive’s points out ramona’s “fat”, which is thankfully portrayed as petty sniping as while Ramona does have some curves it’s you know.. not remotely a bad thing and the kind of thing a teenage girl would harp on. Still she’s just in STEPS from this happening. 

But yeah.. it’s clear here Knives has some underlying issues to address and really needs therapy  not to go after her ex’s current girlfriend with knives. I mean it’s in the name but still. Then again volume 4 has her dad going around with a katana or something like it wanting to murder her daughter’s older ex boyfriend he dosen’t realize is ex so it’s clear her whole FAMILY needs some therapy. But this does round her out and show there’s more to her.. a pretty violent and obessive side sure, but it shows she wasn’t just some one dimensional ego boost for scott but a person. One whose just as flawed as the rest of the cast.. but more sympatheic because they’ve all got about 6 or 7 years on her and at this age that’s a lifetime. And while Scott DID set this off by dating her which was objecitvely a bad idea... the rest of this isn’t remotely on him. He handled things BAD.... but all he wanted was for both of them to move on. Knives.. simply can’t admit Scott is not a nice person, was probably two timing her as Tamara points out, which as we know he 100% was, and is not some perfect guy she can’t replace: like Knives.. he’s just a person with faults and she’s too blind to see that. 

So before we can get to the crazy stalker ninja fight, let’s instead get to Scott and Ramona hanging out where we meet Gideon, Ramona’s Cat who i’ll call Cat Gideon, both because I love steven unvierse and because it’s less confusing. This is a pretty slight scene as Ramona admits not a lot happened with Lucas and Scott’s apartment is a hole.. which yeah, yeah it is. Also she DEFINTLY dind’t cheat on him with any cocky pretty boys. Which would come off worse if it wasn’t for the pact Ramona was clearly doing it out of regret and Scott just liked like 50 pages ago about rembering his exes when one of them is his second best friend.. which neither would admit but you know it’s true. Stephen is third where he belongs. 

So next morning it’s fight time, and Scott is glad wallace is going with him. It’s awkard going to fights alone. Which leaves me to wonder if before this comic Scott just.. fought random guys letterkenny style. Like they’d call up, schedule it and then he and one or more of his friends would go beat up a guy. It’s just.. hilarious knowing that this kind of thing is common in canda minus the ki attacks , flash effects, wizards, vegan psycics, ninjas, and roboticists. But damn I now want a scott pilgrimized letterkenny now more than ever. You know you do too don’t deny it. I”d love to see the hard right jay fight but iwth a loud “KO!” when he gets his ass knocked out. Also Casa Loma is a very real, very cool Toronto location, as I never realized as a kid, to the point that the lucas fight was filmed there for the movie. 

So Scott approaches Lucas a bit star struck and upon finding out scott is.. punches him out as seen in the header image and throws him into a tower. When Scott regains conciousness, Kim and Neil have arrived and Lucas calls a time out. And it’s here we get to, while being the weakest of the 7, why I like Lucas.. he’s actually a pretty nice guy. At WORST he sold out. But the two have a pretty nice conversation over ritz and baby carrots, with it turning out, unsuprisingly Ramona did cheat on him with a cocky pretty boy, and while like Ramona he’s clearly moved on, it still hurts a bit and understandably so. He also warns scott while she might seem nice i’ts an act. 

I mean it isn’t ALL an act, but she does have a tedency to put up walls and act pretty badly as we’re slowly finding out.. though given Scott does the exact same it only means.. she’s human. She’s not MUCH higher above him in terms of morality and this is where we get our first peaks into the fact the series isn’t just about Scott’s development but hers. But it’s understandably absent from volumes 1 and 2 since we need to know her first, and this volume is about getting to know her a bit and get a feel for who she is, something I ddin’t really get a grip on as a teen, but do now. We see more of who she is good and bad as the walls go down. She’s more SURFACE LEVEL functional than scott, but beneath it has a lot of the same exact issues.  Lucas and Scott continue to GENUINELY bond, as Scott genuinely thinks the guy is talented and Lucas want’s an Oscar this year.. maybe not for the current film which is a romantic comedy with a teen star but hey, stars have done far worse in their Oscar years. I mean at least he’s not making a comedy about himself in a fat suit domestically abusing himself in a wig while he also plays an asian sterotype. He explains he almost didn’t get into the league but felt too important to ramona’s past.. plus he looks cool. Plus they let Patel in despite barely being in a relationship with her and being kind of a tool so they kinda had to let the handsome affiable movie star in. Scott wonders “wait league” and Lucas is understandably frustrated to find out Patel just sent a letter Scott didn’t read.. and at Matthew let’s be clear. I mean.. Gideon has to have known Scott wouldn’t read that since he’s been in his head. We’ll get to that in part 6. Point is they formed a league, hence why their organized enough to come after him like this and Scott understandably glares at Wallace for you know, having him play tony hawk and watch movies yet missing the fucking obvious clue they were all working together and they were only coming at him one at a time by choice. 

Lucas offers to just.. take a bribe and SAY Scott beat him, Scott calls him a sellout jokingly and Lucas proves that while not AS bad as the rest of the League, he’s still a dick by telling him to kiss ramona’s sweet ass goodbye pilgrim. Okay either he’s seen her since high school or he’s fondly remembering a high schooler’s ass. Neither one is nice to think about. But Scott gets out of his ass beating by pointing out a ramp, real thing too used for the movie, and asking him to skate down it. Lucas says i’ts impossible, and Scott just whistles. So Lucas tries skating the impossible and dies via velocity. Yes really. Scott collects his change and gets a gift, a mytryil skateboard he.. can’t use because he dosen’t have a proficency for it and bemoans not picking it up in 5th grade. Also he didn’t get his autograph. He does get some coins though so neat.   Yeah I mentioend Lucas was the least of the exes and I stand by it: He’s an intresting character, not a GREAT person but clearly a charming and nice enough guy who likely offered the bribe not because he’sd a sell out but because he genuinely liked scott, and is easily the best adjusted of the exes. But obviously a near non existant setup and a really hilarious and unsastifying finish just.. don’t really feel sastsifying. I mean i’t slampshaded, but after all the build up of her having 7 evil exes, the next one is just..filler. Not BAD, but not really anything special and giving Scott a an early pokemon victory, but unlike ash having done nothing to really DESERVE it.  Thankfully both adaptations so far VASTLY improved on this. While Lucas is still affiable in the movie he’s also smarmy, if on better terms with Ramona, saying “he seems nice” after the tower throw and throwing in some stunt doubles. His fight goes from one of the least satisfying and weakst of the series, to easily one of the best of the movie. We’ll talk about that more there but obvious Chris Evans version is far superior, keeping the good traits while giving us an intresting fight.. and still keeping the skateboard death because it’s fucking hilarious and the movie improves on THAT too by having scott give flat wows as he slowly dies. The game likewise keeps teh skateboard death, if shortening it, and the skateboard, and while not changing his apperance does make him a hell of a tough boss. Took three tries and some online grinding to take him out. Still a hell of a fight. Point is while I genuinely like Lucas story wise.. this just dosen’t work for me and is pretty damn weak, even if it gives us some godo character insight we could’ve got that, and a fight and still had the finish we did. 

That being said.. we DO get a fight instead, likely why the Lucas fight was so truncated. Next chapter and that evening or the next day or whatever, we pan over the real life tornto refrence library. It is a VERY nice touch thatt the comic and it’s adpations use either real places in toronto or reasonable subsittues. While not canadian myself I love the place and hope to visit Tornoto some day when the world isn’t a living nightmare and it’s really nice that like New York for Marvel, Brian Lee O malley really makes the city feel integral to the comic, like it’s own character. But Knives is ominously perched above.  At second cup Scott is horrified to find Julie. Seconded. Julie takes the moment to give out to scott about him dating Ramona despite telling him no. Okay... 

Yeah as you can probably guess I don’t like Julie. She’s not a good character. The movie did her better, with the bleeping gag and aubrey plaza’s performance, but in the comic.. she’s just the worst. She sucks bad. If she were an ice cream flavor she’d be pralines and dick. While she’s fine on OCCASION, and actually works in the next volume, outside of that she just gets more unplesant, more unlikeable, more bitchy, more unfathomabbly assholish every. damn. volume. I”ll give out about that a bit then too but I have to put up with her for the entire damn comic. Now her being bitchy to Scott is fair to a point: Scott is a mess, and she’s loyal to Envy in the breakup, and Scott’s own friends drag him on a daily basis.  The problems are that she’s like that to EVERYONE, even Knives who isn’t about to stab her much as i’d like that. She’s unberable to Stephen whose tolerance for her is unfathomable, though the ending bits of volume 6 show maybe he just has terrble taste. She’s just a throughly unplesant, social climbing bitch who thinks she’s better than everyone. And it sticks out badly against the main cast; Scott is very bad with women and relating to people, but is also nice, charming and most of the damage he does is not intetional. Ramona puts up walls to keep others out but is also a responsible adult and often cuts through Scott, and at times others, internal bullshit. Wallace is an alcholic, but still a very responsible, very loveable guy who clearly cares about scott and supports him finacially and emotionally. Kim is VERY emotionally distant, very misntrhopic.. but also a good person who as we see as the series goes, has an inner light to her and often drags on Scott because she’s been putting up with his shit the longest and WANTS him to be better. Knives is an obessive and violent stalker.. who was also deeply hurt by an older man, dosen’t GET that her realtionship with scott was wrong and uneven, and is clearly not emtoinallyr eady for the deep feelings she’s having. And Stephen.. well he’s a talented guitarist but also enables scott and julie. Especially him enabling Julie. 

Point is their all pretty well rounded, llikeable characters with flaws. Julie.. is just an ass. And this scene demonstrates that with flying colors. While Scott does ignore her because he’s too worried about his sister and girlfriend becoming friends, understandably given Stacey knows all his dark secrets, Julie spends two pages giving out and treating scott like some bad guy for persuing Ramona against her orders. And i’m going to break down why.. this dosen’t work.. on any level for her.  1) Ramona is not Julie’s property. She’s a big girl with her own free will. They aren’t even remotely close: Julie met her only barely before Scott, and given the dream thing probably not even that. And you could say Julie is just looking out for her... she dosen’t know Ramona well enough to KNOW if Ramona is still smarting over Gideon. She probably was.. but she readily, once the awkwardness passed, went out with scott and dove right into the relationship. While there’s still some scars as we’ll see.. she CHOOSE to move on and that’s her choice. If she wasn’t ready, she woudl’ve turned him down or broke it off by now realizing it was a mistake.  2) Scott has no reason to listen to her. She hates his ass, somewhat justifably but still, she hates him and has been against him since fucking colllege. She took his exes side in the breakup despite Envy still being partly in the wrong but paints him as some abusive dickhead and not just an insesntive dickhead. To him he’s just some villian she needs to reign in for her cool friend who wants nothing to do with her and grows to justifably hate her over time. Scott and Julie TOLERATE each other. They are not friend,s they do not like each other and never will. They are around each other because of Stephen. That is it. If Kim , Wallace or Stephen had asked, or at least made him wait for kinves. he probablyw ould’ve or at least considered it since while they take the piss out of him, they genuinely care about him and actually have shown they care about something other than themselves! Speaking of which the cou de gras 3) She’s a selifsh bitch: She is NEVER not  in any volume seen as out for anyone but herself, and thus scott has no reason to trust her judgement. She berates Stephen, him and anyone who will listen, is only so loyal to envy because she’s famous, and as I said treats EVERYONE like dogshit.  And given Scott is still a very flawed guy.. it takes a LOT for him to be so right and he runs out screaming when Julie mentions her.

So back at the library, Ramona brought Stacey along because the place is a maze. Scott calls Stephen and calls julie evil.. which given the last two paragrahs. Yeah. She is. She really is. But that goes nowhere as he dosen’t have Stacey’s number. He also thinks Julie was responsible for this which while she’s very much not.. would it REALLY be that suprising that if Julie were there she would’ve introdcued the two and set up their little hangout just to piss scott off? God I’m  so sick of talking about her. 

So the two after dropping off Ramona’s package decide to hang out a bit.. not long as Ramona’s got shit to do, but hey I agree with her logic i’m curious about this palce too. But before they can go up an elevator Ramona spots incoming.. and thus we get the fight of the volume. Though given the next one has two climatctic fights and one or two before that, they easily could’ve had both.. this is still the highlight of the volume.  So Ramona snaps off a railing and before Stacey can give out about that she finds out WHY as Knives attacks with a pair of sais. And O’Malley did his homework as while you’d THINK it was just another dumb white person mistake.. O’Malley is asian, thoughw ether he’s candaian korean or canadian chineses, as his last name is korean but he has a large chinese cast in this very comic that might come from experince, I do not know and if you do know tell me. I’d like to refer to him properly as I don’t LIKE lumping all asian cultures into one basket. But not only that he did his home work, as Sai’s, while popularized in Okinawa Japan, were also used in other countries. I bring this up since I assumed it was just a simple mistake even knowing Brian was mixed-race, and was plesantly suprised to fine that know, I was the moron. And i’m fine with admitting that. 

So we get a damn good fight.. and Knives figures out Scott WAS cheating on her. Granted she assumes so due to seeing Ramona at the refrence Library, before he actually cheated and clearly blames Ramona for it, but still, it fucking hurts. Plus while her attacking Ramona, who initally assumes she’s gideon’s doing, which.. yeah sending a teenage assasian just to mess with her head does sound like him. So while Stacey does complain “ramona you can’t just tear out art objects” to which I say... yeah high, Stacey? NOT THE POINT RIGHT NOW SCOTT’S EX IS TRYING TO KILL HER. SHE’S DEFENDING HERSELF.  So we get one hell of a fight. It not only shows off that Ramona is one hell of a fighter herself, as is knives, but just how immature knives is, resorting to constnat fat jokes and taunts showing just how immature she is.. and unlike volume one where it was endearing and we just saw how sweet she was here it just comes off as mean, bitter, and uncomfortable. But again part of the series biggest charm is the main cast are all well fleshed out and throughly human. She’s doint this because she dosen’t know better and was raised in a house where, again as volume 4 will bear out, finding out her dad is going after scott with a samurai sword just warrants a “dad’s are so weird aren’t they” my point is her frame of refrence is a mite skewed. Plus this is a world where everyone but Stacey just calmly accepts big shonen fights break out, so it’s not that unsuaul to want to settle things with a fight and while i’ve joked about her killing Ramona we genuinely don’t know that was the goal> Could’ve been, easily given murder is peachy in this setting and just leads to a respawn according to O’Malley and would’ve just sent ramona back to her apartment. But I genuinely don’t think she has it in her to do it and while she could’ve planend to, she never would’ve. Plus Ramona easily leads the fight as while Knives uses hit and run tactics and tries make her follow.. Ramona is more annoyed than anything as she has shit to do. Knives only gets one hit in and while i’ts a pretty nasty scratch on the cheek, if thankfully not scarring.. Ramona shrugs it off when she brags about it and easily takes knives down with a potted tree. Knives runs and while she tells herself it’s to fight another day.. its really because her opponent was WAY stronger and way more ready for something like this than she probably planned on. She did defintely want a fight, she just wasn’t prepared to be outmatched so handily. It’s also a nice  parallel to last book’s fight: Like with Scott and Matthew,  while the fight SEEMS pretty even, in reality our hero/heroine was alwasy teh one in control and easily took care of the less experinced and less ready upstart, who likely wasn’t expecting a fair fight much less to loose. 

So Ramona and Stacey wisely get out while Stacey explains Knives is indeed Scott’s ex, though is unaware of the cheating thing. Speaking of Scott he’s playing sonic and knuckles, and in fact kept wallace on the line before just to get advice because of course he did hence why stacey didn’t get through to him, but gets a call... from Envy. 

This is easily the second best sequence in the boook, which was lovingly and wonderfully adapted to film and as a result I cannot read it without hearing Brie Larson’s voice for Envy , a nice mixture of seduction and condescension. It’s CLEARLY painful fo rhim, and we do get some things established as Envy toys with him, that it’s been about a year and that she left him for a cocky pretty boy, familiar.. and while Scott claims to not know what he looks like.. given Todd is clearly on her band cover... it’s not exactly hard to put two and two together. So after some awkard catchup and Scott telling her about ramona against his will, we get to the reason she’s here with Scott understanndbly being supscious and calling her a user.. which while Envy denys.. she ends up admitting to. She’s coming to town as estalbished and her opening act backed out, and since Scott has a band, and one that 2/3 of which she knows, she wants them to open for her.  Scott naturally isn’t too intrested and thinks it’s just pity. The sequence. is masterful, using a watchmen style 9 by 9 panel layout and intercutting scott’s pained reactions and clear lack of comfort with flashes of envy on her side.. never showing her proper, but showing his memories or what he’s seen in magazines. It’s really striking and really sells the sheer discomfort Scott’s going through.  So soon after Wallace gets home.. and finds Scott, drained and miserable on the floor, not even responsive. And this really is the scene that shows me that Wallace cares for the guy and cements that asshole he may be, he loves his buddy. He goes through possible scenarios that fit scott: Food poisoning, finding out Wallace saved over his final fantasy save (though he rules it out as last time that happened he was crying), that ramona dumped him.. before Scott let’s out a pathetic and miserable “Ennnnnvvv”. Wallace , who was at ground zero for that relationship as we’ll find out, realizes this and lets out a little shit, unsure how to help and pissed off at that bitch for once again hurting him like this. As I said it shows how Wallace knows scott in and out and loves him dearly.. and how he knwos about this paticuarly heartbreak better than anyone but Scott and Envy themselves. IT’s just a really tearjerking scene, as we get a sense of WHY scott spiraled into an ego boost of a relationship: His last one REALLY tore him in half, and he’s still not completely healed from the emtional bisection. 

So Scott gets more bad news next chapter as Stacey tells him about the fight and he’s worried he’s going to loose ramona on top of this. I mean he desrves it.. .but it’s clear she’s the best thing to happen to him after a really rough year of denial and poor decisionss and loosing her will likely only make him WORSE. He also breaks the bad news, to him at least to the band about the gig. Stephen, being kind of a dick who while understandbly excited about a big gig fails to see his friend REALLY isn’t happy about this nor remembers you know, that the person offering this tore his heart out indiana jones style and while they should take the gig despite the risks, it’s too big an opportunity not to, he should be fucking senstive about this. Kim however... has a suprising and heartbreaking reactoin to this. Which is spread over a few panels but i’m gonna string into one image for convince sake. 

Just.. DAMN. I honeslty missed this both as a teenager and as an adult when I read through the books last time but holy shit is this a heartbreaking little moment, even more with the development she gets in later books. Keep in mind, over two books so far, Kim.. really hasn’t shown a lot of emtion. The most upset she’s gotten was getting a bit pissed about another a girl drummer. The only other time we’ve seen her sad was at 17 when Scott left. Her only emotions that we could see were angry and surly. But here? She’s genuinely upset and we see her walls break down for the very first time.. and it’s with the clear indication she NEVER really got over Scott. She never got proper closure and while she hasn’t let it so.. it’s been VERY clear she's been grossly uncomfortable with how he just likes to brush off their history, something that very clearly still bothers her and understandably so: 6 years , while a lot of time, still really isn’t long enough to just .. FORGET your first boyfriend , how he made you feel or the fact he took your virginity and you took his. Stuff like that sticks with you.. I’m ony assuming on the virginity thing but my point remains: To Scott it’s SEEMINGLY nothing, when really he’s probably just trying to brush it off because he dosen’t like dealing with things and given how Kim is wrongly assumed she can’t feel pain. I mean to anyone else i’d be a fair assumption and even i’m not convinced if she touched a hot stove she’d burn, but that’s phsysical this is emotional. DIffrent playing fields. Point is Scott’s kind of a dick and not having ANY closure for anything, Kim is still smarting from him leaving as much as Scott is smarting from Envy dumping him.  And it somehow gets MORE painful.... which should’ve been the tagline for Bojack Horseman now I think about it but yeah: her line is what cuts me up the most “I saw her on the cover of Now. She’s pretty”. It’s a little line, it’s easy to see why I missed it .. but the subtext really stings. It’s that despite being VERY pretty, I had a crush on her as a kid and I still do now.. Kim just can’t help but compare herself to someone whose now a glamrous rock star.  Their equally attractive but all Kim can see is ANOTHER person who Scott cared about more than her. Which seems petty but again he just.. abnadoned her. His moving wasn’t his choice but his not telling her as was framed earlier sure as hell was. And then just.. look at the next people he dates: A glamorous rock star (She wasn’t at the time but that’s for next week), a much younger girl who can’t possible challenge him, and an ultra cool american. To her.. it must feel like he just looks right through her to every other person intersted in him and never even consdered her as a person anymore. I mean.. jesus christ that hurts.. and makes me hate Stephen more since you know he dosen’t notice any of this.. though at least unlike with Scott it’s a bit more understandable because Kim’s so unflappable and he’s already ignoring very obvious and transparent emotional pain why shouldn’t this be any diffrent.  So yeah no one’s happy about this, and that ends up including Stephen as he’s so insecure about his band’s talent he’s pretty sure they suck when their probably at least adaquate. 

So while Scott dosen’t say anything, it’s clear he’s at least consdiering the offer as when we next see him he and ramona are heading to Envy’s show. And honestly it’s just a really sweet scene as Ramona asks about envy and the two banter and hold hands. A really nice palletee clensar since hte last few pages were like I was the one lucas socked in the gut. Also she assures him she dosen’t hate him, and asks about how the breakup happened, turning down any offers to hear the good times.  It was new years eve one year ago, and he mentions it was over her leaving to meet some guy named Todd.. and Ramona finds the story familiar but brushes off Scott wondering if her todd and Envy’s todd wer ethe same guy as a douchey joke. When prying about what happened otherwise, Scott admits it was all a blur.. Ramona isn’t ahppy with the answer.. but it’s nto like it’s that unresonable: he was in deep with Envy, and the breakup was damn bad to the point it took a year for him to recover and end up in the relationship he is now and the one before this was clearly a cry for help. It also helps reinfroce just how much Wallace was there for him and probably WHY Wallace hates Envy so much. They probably live together simply because Scott needed a place after college, was in zero condition to get a job or do anything given his zombie like state.. and Wallace just had him move into his bed, platonically and into his place. It’s probably why while Wallace will complain ocasoinally he isn’t that on scott to find a job. He dosen’t need a paying roomate, they do fine just on his sallary and he has a steady, secure job in some sort of calling office, probably working in medical stuff like my mom. He needs his friend to be safe and happy, then he can get on his ass about being functional, as he is in present day. If nothing else this volume made me realize just how good a person Wallace is.  The one thing he CAN remember, to Ramona’s disbelif is a restraunt opening up, the job story he hinted at last volume: basically it was a fancy tex mex place called, and this is one of the best restraunt naems in the history of fiction brace yourself: The Gilded Palace of Flying Burritos. Naturally, as would I as I love tex mex and that name, Scott loved the place, ate there most of the week and like me with some places I liked waited impatietly to get a job. He did and they were even super generous as the food was FREE.  Which is a euphoric feeling I relate to, though I also liked any discounts I got. seriously when I worked at Bagel and Bagel a good chunk of my paycheck was eating there for dirt cheap every shift. I miss that place so much. Like even after I left there I still like a good bagel sandwitch. And it wasn’t covid or anything it was just low staffed and slowly coming apart due to a lack of a solid manager after Crystal, the manager who hired me, transfered to a store closer to her home, which I do not blame her for. 

Point is I get it even if Ramona thinks this is all made up. Anyways at Lee’s Place, based on the real life Leo’s place, everyone’s gussied up: Steven got an awful haircut and Kim... 

But no time to dwell on how great kim’s..everything is.. who DID  Neil bring to the concert? 

While Kim is VERY much enjoying this, everyone else is a bit freaked with Ramona getting assurance her and Scott dated breifly, with Kim quipping her and neil will probably date even breiflyer, and Stephen.. freaking out, wondering if she seduced him, and asking if they should take him out back and kick his ass.. 

Just..... that’s a lot of douche to unpack and this review has been VERY long and suprisingly hard already.. but fuck it, we don’t have much left to go let’s do this. Okay one did she seduce him.. I mean I GUESS, but really let’s be clear here: Neil is a horny, lonely, monosolobic 19 year old who lives with his sister’s college friend and whose life revovles around said guys band. Knives is adorable. She likely barely had to flirt with him to get him to say yes .As someone who was a lonely 19 year old doofus, I guarantee no matter the red flags I probably woudl’ve said yes provided she was 18 instead of 17, despite the abudant red flags such as neil vaugely looking like scott, neil being the one single man within scott’s circle to get her way back in, as Knives hasn’t realized she’s bi yet or given how much she looked up to Kim, she probably WOULD’VE gone for it. As would any sane person, which neither knives nor I entirley are. So she didnt’ so much seduce him as offer him a girlfriend he didn’t have and him being too intrested in having a sweet, caring girl on his arm to see the giant army of adrestian soldiers needed to carry all the red flags this presents. 

And as for “do we need to kick his ass. “ Stephen.. did you kick SCOTT’S ass? No, you fucking abetted him and only stepped in for the good girl thing. You did NOTHING to stop his relationship with knives or tell him he was screwing up or look out for that girl’s well being. This will bite him in the ass even harder in volume 5, but even now it just makes him look REALLY fucking bad that, even if he probably dosen’t mean it, that’s at all on the table. Also.. Neil, unlike scott is doing slightly less wrong. While he is 20 to her 17, three years.. it’s HALF of what Scott and her’s age diffrence is, and far more equal in power structure. It’s still not.. GREAT, but my point is you did NOTHING when Scott did this, for far flimiser and less forgiavble reasons.. but when NEIL, whose been nothing but weirdly loyal to you dates her, you want to kick someone’s ass. I mean yes he’s being stupid: in a clear role reversal of the Scott and Knives situation, it’s obvious just from her expression that KNVIES is the one in control here, and the one using someone to ease her own pain. Granted it’s wrong, if not as wrong as Scott should techincally know better and Knives very clearly dosen’t, as well as get into a show of her faviorite band. Is what she’s doing wrong.. yeah... while she can’t see it again it’s what Scott did just not QUITE as fucked up due to not being AS embalanced. Should neil probably be dating her after scott did ? No. But should you be threatning him and not scott for you know, setting all this in motion? No. Jesus christ you suck Steven. 

Thankfully while Scott presumibly calms Stephen down, Kim spots Hollie and her roomate Joseph, who will be suprisingly important. He’s very gay, very quite, very bearded and is only hear because the bass player is hot and when prodded on it....

Well said. Also I read that with John Heder’s voice fo rsome reason.. don’t know why, his career ended as quickly as it began because he REALLY did not pick his films well. He saw that he was going to be in a film with David Spade and Rob Schinder and didn’t fire his agent for suggesting it. Meanwhile Scott and Ramona run into Sandra and Monique, Scott’s old classmates who just sorta.. show up every so oftne, often backing up Julie because every Alpha Bitch needs a posse. As Boscha has proven once you loose your posse you loose your bitchy powers. They also ask if Scott and Ramona are an item which leads to a fantagious visual gag. 

Also Stephen awkardly talks to the new couple, about how much Knives loves the band, and because why start reading the room now just sorta.. CASUALLY slips in the fact he knows her is because she and scott dated. 

Granted Knives action this book really EARNED her that curveball.. but still, it’s transparently clear she’s both not over Scott and Neil’s a placebo, and that she loves the band... how the fuck did you get through college, much less get two loyalish friends Steve. 

Kim tries to hide when she runs into Sarah whose with.. someon O Malley does not know, literally captioning it “I don’t know htis girl”. Fucking love that gag even if SOMEHOW kim is the roomate they all hate. Despite hte fact as the side story will bare out, her roommates are all pretty obnoxious, so i’ts probably because she’s the only sane person in that group and their VERY lucky kim just dind’t set the place on fire on her way out and let god do what he should’ve a long time ago. Also we meet Lynette, the band’s drummer who smokes “She must be evil” “Still hot though”... both accurate. Also Luke wilson is there.. no really. Just holy shit that’s awesome.  Okay so with all of that out of the way, it’s time for the show. So after a full volume’s build up , and a really cool build up in the page before we finally properly meet clash at the demonhead, and miss envy adams. 

Heck of  a reveal and not the only one as ramona realized what the audience probably already guessed....

Dun dun dun! And since I don’t like leaving a cliffhanger dangling lest I have to... we’ll be getting to this next week.. what you thought i’d say right now or tommorow? This was a lot. But no i’m not leaving you too long. Next week, Evil Ex Crossover! Ramona and Wallace become BFF’s! We learn what the deal with Scott and Envy is! Scott faces the Ken to his Ryu! And Wallace gets a boyfriend. All this and more next week. for now...

Final Thoughts: This one.. was a VERY rough one to review and it ties back to this volume’s biggest problem: it is not paced very well. Like the series as a whole it has a pretty easy going, slice of life pace. The only ones without this kind of easy pacing are 3 and 6, and even 3 has some slice of life bits, their just both more focused due to the events going on. This one... well....

Pretty much. While this one has very important stuff going on, Scott and ramona getting closer, ramona getting more fleshed out, Wallace showing how deep his character is, Kim also getting fleshed out quite a bit, Knives showing off her crazy side, setting up the next volume, the second ex fight.. it’s all just kinda.. jumbled together. It’s not really until the knives fight onward the book takes on some really solid pacing and really gets going.It’s not a BAD book: ther’es some REALLY good character stuff as I dug into.. but the pacing is just really loose and without the Evil Ex fight as an anchor and with ramona and scott just sorta.. getting to know one another, in both biblical and non biblical senses, it dosen’t have either of the series main narrative thrusts. Even the knvies subplot really amoutns to nothing for now, as Ramona dosen’t find out Scott’s a cheater, and only distrusts knives now. That’s about it. It does improve on book one in characterization, with eveyrone being MUCH cleearer in terms of who they are and settling into their iconic selves nicely. Wallace’s more selfless and protective side pops up, Ramona starts to show mroe of her personality good and bad, Scott’s better traits are mixed a bit mor eeven with the douche ones,  Knive’s far more unstable and violet stalker side emerges, and Stephen.. well fuck him, point is things are coming together.. but O’Malley still isn’t quite at peak power yet. Not bad and still worth a read like last time, just a bit uneeven is all. That being said... if you want O’Malley at his peak.. well then come back next week. Until then i’ll be doing my usual buisness of reviewing birds, refrencing simpsons and letterkenny, and putting my eyes back in after kim’s look up there. For now the sun’s setting and i’m out of here. 

[thestoryweneededtowrite]

Second Star To The Right - Part 1

An AU where all the Newsies work at Disneyworld, and Jack does something stupid (a couple of stupid things, actually). 

Disney-related phrases that might come up:

Cast members = the name given to pretty much all Disney park employees

Utilidors = a series of tunnels that run under Disneyworld so, among other things, cast members can get from one place to another without crossing guest areas of the park

Being ‘friends with’ or ‘hanging out with’ a character = playing them in the parks, so phrased as to maintain the Disney magic

Onstage = Any guest area of the park is considered onstage, with backstage being employee only areas

Character attendant = a cast member who accompanies a character so they can make sure that character is safe, as well as answering questions characters can’t and speaking oh behalf fur characters

Fur characters = Any costume that involves a full suit where the face is not seen (e.g. Donald Duck, Mickey Mouse, Baymax, etc.) Fur doesn’t have to be involved.

Jack liked his job. He never had to worry about what he was going to wear to work, with someone handing him a freshly laundered costume each morning, and he got to be enthusiastic in a borderline-arrogant way and get paid for it. He loved his co-workers and he got to create magic for Disney guests every moment of the day. It made it easy to get out of bed.

Step one of his day was always, without fail, to kiss his boyfriend good morning. Davey tended to wake up first and bring him coffee, and affection and caffeine were two of his favourite things.

They’d met at work and, after Jack had endlessly persuaded Davey into a date for approximately three months, they’d finally gone out. Now, a year later, he had his very own Prince Charming to curl up with after work and kiss quickly when they passed each other in the utilidors. Davey complained playfully about finding it weird to kiss the boy who never grew up, but he gave as many kisses as he got.

People knew they were dating. The hardcore Disney fans that were at the parks almost as much as the cast members had somehow found out his name and followed him on Instagram, and he didn’t shy away from his affection for the love of his life on social media, happy to post photos of himself kissing Davey’s cheek or a close up of their interlocked hands. Those same diehard fans had quickly identified his boyfriend as a ‘friend of Prince Charming’ from the parks. Based on the comments on Jack’s Instagram posts, they thought they were an adorable couple. Jack had to agree, Davey was adorable.

It was impossible for his days to be repetitive, considering the different guests he met. Once he was suitably costumed, wigged, and made-up, he set off through the tunnels to Fantasyland to meet up with his character attendant. It was Rafaela for this shift, who looked happy to see him until she frowned at the state of his hair, fluffing up the wig and brushing it out of his eyes.

“Will you never learn,” she tutted.

“Like Peter cares about his hair,” he laughed, but he readjusted his fringe so it sat a little better. All Peters were meant to look the same, after all.

Sometimes he had a Wendy to do meet and greets with, but for this shift he was alone and he didn’t mind it terribly much. He didn’t have to worry about maintaining a rapport with someone else. Taking a moment to sink into his Peter persona, he put on a grin and leapt out on stage to gasps and a little applause from kids who believed he really was Peter Pan. That was his favourite part of his job, bringing joy to children who still believed in magic and flying and the power of pixie dust. It made him believe a little too.

The reality of being a Disney character was sticky hugs from toddlers who’d had too much candy floss and pushy, self-righteous mothers who ordered their kids about. But even the Florida heat was counteracted by the smiles of children who ran up for a hug and tentatively handed over something for him to sign. He’d invite some of them to Neverland, ask other what happy thought they’d use for pixie dust to make them fly, warned more still to watch out for Hook and his pirates. Little girls in princess dresses were greeted with ‘Your Majesty’ and a flourished bow. Boys in pirate costumes were treated with mock suspicion, and asked if they were working for Hook. Every smile he caused made his day.

Twenty minutes into his shift, he looked up from the previous child to find his next family was a prim and proper mother, preoccupied by her phone, and a young teenage girl fiddling with something in her pocket before pulling out a badge and pinning it to her jacket as she walked up.

“I saw something on tumblr,” she said quietly, before he could get a word out. Jack froze for a split second, before forcing a confused expression onto his face. He caught Rafaela twitching in a similar way beside him out the corner of his eye. Peter wasn’t supposed to know about social media or the internet or computers, and he definitely wasn’t meant to let Peter slip and interact with guests as himself. So he kept character.

“Tumbler? Like an acrobat?” he asked. “I’m pretty good at backflips in the air when I’m flying. I’ve been teaching Wendy.”

Rafaela sighed a little in relief, but the girl in front of him shook her head. She clearly had a topic of conversation in mind and she wasn’t going to be led away from it.

“Is it true you’re gay?” she asked.

Oh. Right. That.

Even before people had discovered his social media and found out quite how queer he was, it had still been obvious he wasn’t straight. He would compliment people on their rainbow apparel and tell them he and the lost boys sported similar patterns in Neverland, pieced together from the colourful flowers in the rainforest. When same-sex couples came to see Peter he would curtsey to the women and greet them as them ‘Princess and Princess’, and tell the men how lucky they were that they’d found their Prince Charming. He’d blown kisses to attractive men in the parades before, because it seemed like the kind of thing Peter would do. But usually he didn’t address his comments to kids, even teenagers, because that seemed like a good way to get complaints from idiotic parents. But everything he did do usually found its way onto a tumblr masterpost, the one he was pretty sure this girl was referencing, on a fan’s blog.

He finally registered the badge – a cute little rainbow button with a spiral of text reading ‘love is love is love’ into the centre – that the girl had pinned to her jacket, and she was sending worried glances to her mother every now and then as if this conversation wasn’t meant to be overheard. Clearly she needed some reassurance; she couldn’t be more than thirteen. He wanted to tell her that he was gay and all about his Prince, and that she would find a beautiful Princess someday, but it was a bad idea. But he couldn’t say nothing.

“In Neverland, none of that matters. If you’re happy, then that’s enough,” he promised. He gestured to her badge. “Love is love.”

The girl smiled and nodded, hugging him quickly and handing her phone to Rafaela, who was shooting stern glances at Jack, so she could take a photo of the two of them.

Jack patted the girl’s shoulder as she walked away, with far more of a spring in her step than she’d had before. The snooty mother glanced up from a text, barely sparing her daughter more than a second until she did a double take when she registered the colourful new addition to her jacket.

“Ramona. Take that badge off. Now,” she snapped, finally putting her phone away.

Jack frowned, but he couldn’t get involved. Rafaela would kill him. Instead he turned to a young boy, barely old enough to walk, toddling towards him with the help of his father.

“Peter said it was okay,” Ramona argued, crossing her arms.

Jack flinched. That wasn’t ideal. Still, he needed to stay out of it. Crouching down, he shook the hand of the confused little boy who absolutely had no idea what was going on, and asked him if he knew Michael Darling.

“He said what?” the woman gasped.

Jack could hear the disgust in her raised voice. He knew what was coming before he even turned around, so he stood up to face the oncoming storm.

“Excuse me, I will not have you spouting homosexual propaganda to my daughter. I do not expect that kind of perversion from a family company,” she shrieked.

Rafaela was too stunned to step in, but Jack was happy to fight this battle alone. Ramona looked close to tears and he couldn’t have that. The toddler he’d been interacting with was whisked away from the dispute quickly, so Jack could turn his full attention to this woman. He sunk into Peter’s persona even more, knowing this would get too personal if he didn’t, and put his hands on his hips. “With all due respect, madam, and this isn’t something I say often, but I’m going to have to request that you grow up,” he said simply. He knew Disney was scared of representing gay characters, but he had to stand up for himself and for Ramona and for everyone else who wasn’t straight.

There was a chorus of ‘oooh’s from the older kids waiting in line and Jack really badly wanted to grin, but that would likely make things worse.

“Excuse me?!” the mother squawked. She turned to an overwhelmed Rafaela. “I need to speak to your manager. Immediately.”

She was clearly seething and Jack knew this was going to end badly for his career, but Ramona looked delighted with his forthrightness and he couldn’t quite bring himself to regret it. Rafaela was far less delighted, turning to the guests waiting, half of whom now had their phones out recording the confrontation, and managed some announcement about Peter having to go to back to Neverland in a hurry and practically dragged Jack backstage as she promised Ramona’s mother she’d be back immediately with a senior member of staff.

“What the fuck?!” she hissed as soon as they were out of earshot of the crowd.

‘I’m sorry,” Jack sighed. “I just… I couldn’t say nothing.”

He knew he’d fucked up, but there wasn’t a lot he could do about it now. The repercussions for what he’d done would most certainly be harsh, but he still couldn’t manage to regret it.

Part Two

[theartificialdane]

Galactica, 232

In this Courtney gets throw to the wolfs, Fame has a meeting, Betty is annoyed and Raven hangs out.

Thank you @veronicasanders @toriibelledarling @samrull  ❤️

“Courtney, hi, nice to see you again,” said Jane, the dark-haired Bravo producer, climbing down from the production trailer.

“Hi, Jane.”

“Come over here, I want to introduce you to Dorinda. So the setup here is that you two already know each other, and she’s introducing you to Ramona and Bethenny. Got it?”

“Right. Does it matter that I’ve never met Dorinda?”

“No.”

“Okay,” Courtney said, as Jane waved an older blonde woman over to them.

“Dorinda! Come here, this is Courtney.”

“Hi, nice to meet you.”

“Courtney! How lovely to meet you, dear. You’re even prettier than your pictures.” Dorinda smiled warmly, giving Courtney a loving embrace.

Courtney’s shoulder’s sagged with relief. This was the woman that Raven described as an hysterical whack-nut? Of course, Raven did say that she seemed normal sober, so Courtney decided to reserve judgement.

“I’ve watched your girlfriend’s incredible rise in the fashion industry over the years; I’m a huge fan. We must have a couples dinner soon!” Dorinda winked at Jane.

“Save it for the camera,” Jane said flatly, then followed up with, “Dorinda, you go into the restaurant first, greet Bethenny, and then I’ll send Courtney in after a few minutes. Ramona’s running late.

“What else is new?” Dorinda laughed. “See you inside, Courtney.”

Courtney was the most nervous about meeting Bethenny. Raven had made her absolutely terrified about getting on the quick-witted brunette mogul’s bad side. “She doesn’t suffer fools,” Raven warned, and Courtney was self-aware enough to know that even on her best day, she could come off, let’s just say flighty. But there was also the “don’t be fake because she’ll see right through you” warning, so she was loathe to try and act differently. It was just a total mindfuck. Her heart beat fast as the barracuda in heels walked through the door, exchanging a brief greeting with Dorinda, before turning to her.

“So, you’re the one fucking Bianca Del Rio. She’s always had very questionable taste, hope you’re not retarded. Do you like burrata?”

In spite of her nerves, Courtney burst out laughing. “I haven’t had an IQ test recently, so you’ll have to tell me…and I’m a vegan.”

Bethenny grinned. “Okay, I can hang with that.”

Dorinda continued the ruse of pretending that she and Courtney were old friends. “You know Bethenny, Courtney just had an album come out, it’s wonderful–”

“Yeah, totes your type of music, right Dorin?” She rolled her eyes at Courtney. “You’re the same age as her daughter.”

“I think I’ve hung out with Hannah before,” Courtney admitted, giggling.

“Of course you have. She’s your girlfriend’s type, too.” Bethenny turned to the waiter and ordered a drink, then a round of appetizers, throwing in a few vegan selections for Courtney, just as Ramona breezed in, a whirlwind of perfume, a fresh blowout, fake tits and long fake lashes. Just the epitome of cougar but in the most endearing way possible.

“By the way,” Ramona said, as if they’d all been in the middle of a conversation already, “Luann is going to DIE when she hears your album. She’s gonna be so jealous. Hi, I’m Ramona…”

“By the way? That’s how you introduce yourself? What is wrong with you?” Bethenny barked. “Can you be a normal person, like, ever?” She broke down laughing. “By the way…Who walks into a room like that??”

“Sorry!” Ramona tossed her hair over her shoulder and batted her eyelashes coyly.

“I thought it was a grand entrance,” Courtney winked.

“Thank you! You’re my favorite.” Ramona petted Courtney’s hair, repeating to Bethenny, “She’s my favorite.”

“Don’t fucking encourage her,” Bethenny told Courtney, still laughing. “By the way…”

Courtney found herself relaxing, despite Raven’s many warnings. Maybe these UES ladies weren’t going to be so bad after all. She sipped her Skinnygirl cosmo. Plus, an excuse for daydrinking during the week was always nice…

***

Violet sat in the sitting area, watching Roxy typing away at her old workstation, a flurry of mixed emotions assaulting her senses. She’d come for a quick meeting with Miss Fame, what she’d hoped when she set it a few days back would be a positive update. Her stomach was now tied up in knots, knowing that what she had to say might just not be met with the glowing approval she so desperately sought from her mentor and boss, and yet, unable to be anything but forthright. It was her artistic integrity that was at stake, after all.

“Roxy! Where’s my coffee?!”

Roxy stood up, Fame’s typical order in her hands, and raced into her office. “Here you are, miss. I didn’t want to interrupt your phone call. Also, Violet is waiting for–”

“This is cold, Roxy. It’s literal garbage. Do I look like a person who drinks garbage?”

“N-no, miss…”

“Get me a new one immediately and send Violet in.”

Roxy exited, a grimace on her face, and shrugged, gesturing for Violet to go ahead. Violet took a deep breath. So it was one of /those/ mornings. She could do this though. She had been Fame’s assistant, she knew Fame, knew what made her tick, and as long as she was careful there was a chance she could survive. Violet walked into the room, not making eye contact with her boss until the lady in question had sat down, Fame practically radiating annoyance.

“So what do you want?”

“The Marie Claire spread miss-”

“Go ahead. Everything is well I assume?”

“Yes. Bianca and Miss Garcia had some notes, but with the help of tailoring I can have it done within the new deadline of next week.”

“Good. The shoot is important for us so get it done.”

“Yes miss.”

Fame looked away, and Violet knew she had been dismissed, but she couldn’t leave yet, she still had something she had to discuss with her boss.

“Is there something else Violet? I don’t have all day for your nonsense.”

“Actually there is, miss.”

“Aha?” Violet could practically feel Fame lose interest, Fame already tapping away on her computer.

“I’m very grateful for the opportunity, but I think Galactica should take full credit for the work that will appear in the magazine.”

“… And why is that may I ask?”

“I think the creative vision of the photographer and Marie Claire’s design department isn’t very suited for my work as an independent designer.”

Fame stared at her for a few moments, still as a statue, unblinking. She rose slowly to her feet and then walked to the door, closing it gently, then turned and walked back to her desk, sitting down slowly. “Did you, by any chance, express these concerns over the creative to anyone at Marie Claire?”

“No miss.”

“So…you’re not a complete imbecile. That’s good.” Fame smiled, but her eyes were blazing with fury.

Violet’s blood went cold.

“I want to make something very, very clear to you. This editorial happened because I called one of my best friends, one of my oldest friends, one of the most powerful, respected women in this industry, and asked her for a favor. For you. Do you understand the enormity of what that means? That I asked Bianca Del Rio for a favor?”

Violet nodded slowly. Asked Bianca Del Rio for a favor? She had never heard that before. Was this spread a favor? And if it was a favor, who was it a favor for?

“Let me tell you what is required of you right now. You will modify those garments to their EXACT specifications and you will make sure that every single piece is STUNNING. You will put your heart and your soul into it as if they are the last dresses you will ever make. And on set, you will be pleasant and grateful and flexible and if anyone at Marie Claire…an assistant, a makeup artist, a janitor, a SINGLE person, catches wind that you are not utterly, utterly thrilled to be there…” Fame paused, took a deep breath, folding her hands together. “…if there is even a snowball’s chance in hell that this nonsense opinion about the creative gets back to Bianca, I will end…your…life…”

Violet looked at Fame, the others threats as familiar to her as the back of her hand. Fame had shouted at her, threatened her and mistreated her more times than she could possibly count so she kept her mind shut and nodded, knowing not to antagonize Fame when she was like this, or even worse, ask questions.

“Yes miss.”

“Good.” Fame sat down. “That’s all.”

Violet bit her lip and got up. “Thank you for your time.” Violet left the office, her mind racing,

***

“Betty, I’m not criticizing you, but have you considere-”

“No.”

“I’m just saying that I’m pretty sure they included the instructions for a reaso-”

“Fiiiiine!” Betty turned around and grabbed the instructions, her insides seeping. She had no idea how she had ended up here, on the floor of her apartment, with Sutan fucking Amrull of all people in the entire world. Her and Shane had, accidentally, killed their bed over the weekend during a round of particularly rough sex after a fight about the dishes. Betty had technically been the one to kill the bed, so she had somehow ended up with the responsibility of fixing the problem, even though she had complained endlessly about the inherent unfairness of the situation. The only light point in her miserable life right now was that Violet and Shane were out getting pizza while she was here, slaving away with Sutan, who had turned out to be the only adult with a car her and Shane apparently knew.

“Can you hand me the hammer?”

“Grab it yourself.” Betty ignored Sutan, her eyes going over the instructions.

“Hey Betty?”

“Sutan, I’m trying to read this stupi-” A tattooed hand appeared, gently pulling the pamphlet down, forcing Betty to look at the man who was sitting on the floor with her.

“Let’s make a deal.”

“I don’t dance with the devil.”

Sutan laughed, and Betty chewed her lips.

God the man was so annoying. She knew he probably didn’t try to be, but whenever she looked at Violet at work, and how stressed out her friend was, hunched over her table, desperately fighting to get everything done, the annoyance came up again. Betty knew it wasn’t fair that she was expecting Sutan to fix her friend, but she had never been a fan of fair. Violet had come down from her meeting with Fame two days before, her face an almost ashy grey. Betty would have asked, but whenever they were finally alone or had time, something always came up, either Ivan screaming or Shane needing her or one of their annoying coworkers asking for help.

“How about I do this, and you watch TV in the livingroom?”

Betty looked at Sutan, not really believing what she was hearing. “You’re offering to do all of this work on your own?”

“Yes.”

“And what’s in it for you?”

“I don’t have to look at you obviously hating both this and me.”

Betty pretended she was considering it, but she had truly never been one to look a gifthorse in the mouth, and if she could get out of spending time alone with Sutan, she would be dumb not to take it.

“Deal.”

***

“They were NICE?” Raven asked in disbelief, wrinkling her nose at Courtney, as they rode the elevator up to the penthouse.

“I mean…yeah…you know…not like…precious angels…but…”

“They’re setting you up. Watch your back.” Raven shook her head.

“Maybe,” Courtney said thoughtfully. “I mean Bethenny was like, snarky. And there was some tension between her and Dorinda at one point, when she made some comments about Dorinda being drunk in the Hamptons all summer.”

“Just drunk? Dorinda is usually high as fuck in the Hamptons.”

“Well, Dorinda seemed a little pissed. And of course Bethenny was teasing Ramona the whole time, but it all seemed pretty good natured. They talked a lot of shit about Luann.”

Raven nodded. “The Countess must be the villain this season.”

“And they talked about Sonja’s drinking a lot. Which was funny because they all had like, 6 drinks. At noon on a Wednesday.”

“Yeah, welcome to the Upper East Side.”

The elevator doors opened and one of the Bravo producers grabbed both of them, giving them a quick rundown while a sound guy strapped on their microphone packs. “Okay hurry up, go inside and ask what’s going on, try to help the situation.”

“Help? What situation?”

“GO! GO!” he gave them a shove through the double doors.

What greeted them was a pudgy, red faced man screaming at Bethenny, ranting about brand names and copyrights.

“Jesus,” Raven muttered. “I thought this was a lingerie party.”

“I’m supposed to try and help?” Courtney asked, looking at her with fear.

“Hell no. That’s a little twat producer trying to manipulate you,” Raven said. “Yes, you heard me,” she repeated into her mic.

Courtney hung back for a few more moments, until the man stormed past her, then walked forward. “Uhhh…hi…what was that?”

“That was Dorinda’s jackass boyfriend John.”

Dorinda started to open her mouth, but Bethenny held up her hand.

“Don’t even try to defend him, Dorinda. He was an absolute fucking asshole. Totally out of line.”

“Well, you started with–”

“I did NOT–”

Sonja sighed. “Can we just try on some bras, please? And can I have another drink? I’m like…totally stressed out after that whole thing.” The blonde hung on Dorinda’s arm, pouting, shimmying her shoulders. She didn’t appear to be much drunker than the others, Courtney noted, despite her alleged alcoholism.

“Oh my god, yes, thank you!” said Carole.

“Girls, hello, we have newcomers, how about some introductions?” Luann said grandly, folding her hands. The tall, striking brunette’s air of stately elegance was slightly ruined by Bethenny’s dismissive attitude.

“Yes, yes, the Countess needs some formal intros. Countess Luann de Lesseps, this is Ms. Courtney Act of Manhattan by way of Australia. Courtney, please curtsy and kiss her ring, and then she’ll inspect your teeth,” Bethenny said, falling over laughing.

“Really, Bethenny,” said Luann, shaking her head, “Nice to meet you, Courtney. Hi again, Raven.” Luann tried to recover some dignity.

Raven exchanged air kisses with Luann and went to sit with Sonja, who excitedly started to chat with her about a Swiss chalet she was allegedly thinking about purchasing.

“Courtney, hi, I’m Carole. I think we once took a hot yoga class together.” Carole stood up to greet her. Courtney accepted the hug, remembering that she was the chill one in the group, the former reporter and literal princess who, unlike the uptight Countess, didn’t use her title.

“Really?”

“Well, you took the class. I sat in the back and meditated and did like three moves. I’m not a big exerciser but I try…sometimes.” Carole laughed, tossing her long, light brown hair over her shoulder.

“BRAS!” Ramona bellowed, and then clapped a hand over her mouth.

“Okay, Tourette’s,” said Bethenny.

“Sorry,” Ramona said. “I’m just excited. I never get new bras.”

“Ramona, is this the first new bra you’re getting since your boobs mysteriously got 2 cup sizes bigger?” Carole asked sweetly.

Sonja howled with laughter. “Ramona claims she didn’t get her tits done!” she explained to Raven and Courtney.

“Ramona and I have always had a lot in common,” Raven said, winking at the older blonde woman.

Dorinda slapped her hands together. “Okay, everyone grab a bra! Let’s try on some lingerie!”

“THIS is why I’m here,” said Raven. She browsed through the rack, finding a few that she liked.

“Raven, I might need your help, here. I don’t wear a lot of undergarments,” Courtney admitted.

“You’re such trash.” Raven shook her head.

“Well, I feel like they’re so constricting. I really only wear them for sex.”

“Same!” Carole laughed.

Raven laughed. “That’s my girl. Here’s one for you. B likes red and it’s very naughty and hooker-ish.”

“Oh yeah!” Courtney said, taking the red lacy bustier from her hands. She pulled off her shirt.

“Um, dear, there are privacy screens over there,” Luann said, clucking disapprovingly.

“Calm down, Luann. If you looked like her, you’d have your tits out all the time,” Bethenny said.

“I do look like her, thank you very much.”

“Ha! Maybe 30 years ago…”

“Your nipples are tiny,” said Sonja, face alarmingly close to Courtney’s boobs. “Were my nipples that tiny before I breast fed?” she asked Ramona.

Ramona shook her head, giggling. “No.”

“Really, ladies?” Luann shook her head.

“Luann, have another drink. We like you better when you’re not doing this tiresome Countess shit,” said Bethenny.

“If you say so,” Carole snickered, the two of them laughing quietly.

Raven exchanged a pointed look with Courtney. “I told you she’s the villain,” she muttered. “Make sure to align yourself with the others. I still think Carole is your best bet.”

“Sir, yes sir,” Courtney responded, saluting.

***

BIANCA: You home?

FAME: Yeah.

BIANCA: How do you feel about drinking a few bottles of wine with me? Courtney’s doing a housewives thing and I’m going stir crazy.

FAME: Door’s open. Xx

“Wow, I really didn’t think you literally weren’t gonna get up,” Bianca laughed, moving Fame’s feet aside to sit down on the sofa.

Fame lifted her head, sighing, taking the glass of wine Bianca held out to her. “It was a long week.”

“I hear you. Cheers.” Bianca toasted her and then reached over to scratch Charles behind the ears.

“Uggghh, why is everyone fucking AWFUL?”

Bianca laughed. “Good question! So…speaking of which…I have a question for you…don’t hate me…”

Fame narrowed her eyes. “/What?/”

“Okay, so, you know, I’m going through this whole fucking situation with Nina. And she’s been really fighting me on the Violet spread. For some reason. And she’s got it in her head that the gowns are too fussy, and you know how her favorite fucking word is ‘overworked,’ and you know I actually am a huge fan of Violet’s work, but even I have to admit that this is not her best stuff. I think that she just probably needed more time, to be honest, so…”

“Get to the point, Bianca.”

“Well, I’m wondering if you have any other designers that you’d like to feature also, who do kind of edgier pieces that we could mix in. Like that split the difference between Violet’s style and ready to wear? More like afterparty type stuff? You know? This isn’t anything against Violet, I think she’s insanely talented, but we’re just working with shifting deadlines and a different creative vision from where we began–”

“B. Stop talking.”

“Drink more so you don’t hate me.”

“I already don’t hate you. Actually, I have the perfect designer for you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, April Carrion. Tell me what you need, I’ll have her start this weekend.”

“Wait, the cute Puerto Rican girl?”

“Yeah.”

Oh, /perfect./ This is great. Nina has been up in arms about the lack of diversity at the magazine, and even Courtney is siding with her, so my goal now is to hire so many people of color that they CHOKE ON IT.”

Fame started laughing. “Only you would turn a diversity initiative into revenge.”

“Well…whatever. I’m not racist. It’s a bunch of bullshit.”

“Did you remind them that I’m half Mexican?”

“Fuck! I always forget about that!”

Fame giggled, sipping her wine. “You’ve literally met my abuela like 4 times.”

“I know, I know, but she’s like, so sweet and warm and you’re so uptight and bougie and I think in my mind I just imagined she was your nanny.”

“Bianca. That’s super racist.”

“Shut up.”

“Anyway, I’m gonna email April and she’ll show you some sketches Sunday, and some samples…Tuesday morning? Does that work?”

“Sure. Shoot’s Friday.”

“Perfect.”

“What about Violet? She gonna be cool sharing the credit?”

“Just make the credit Galactica.”

“Uhhh…are you sure?”

“Yes. Don’t worry about her.”

[gossipnetwork-blog]

Where Do Kameron Westscott & D'Andra Simmons Rank Amongst All 101 Real Housewives?

New Post has been published on http://gossip.network/where-do-kameron-westscott-dandra-simmons-rank-amongst-all-101-real-housewives/

Where Do Kameron Westscott & D'Andra Simmons Rank Amongst All 101 Real Housewives?

Now that season two reunion of The Real Housewives of Dallas is officially over, with talk of knives for hands, pink dog food and Sexual Chocolate firmly in our rear view mirror, it’s time for one thing: An update of our official Real Housewives ranking!

Joining the list this time are a pair of RHOD newbies who didn’t waste time stirring things up in the Lone Star state. Kameron Westscott, the dog lover determined to bring the aforementioned pink dog food into the world, went toe-to-toe with Brandi Redmond nearly every chance she got, while D’Andra Simmons, through whom we met the Mama D (her boss of a mother), wasn’t afraid to put anyone in their place if they were acting a fool—including longtime friend and self-described Mouth of the South, LeeAnne Locken.

So how did their performance stack up against the other 99 Real Housewives who’ve come before them? You’re going to have to read on to find out! (Note: Only those who’ve completed their first full season, including reunion specials, are included on the list. That means you’ll have to check back in a few weeks for RHOC newbie Peggy Sulahian!)

Bravo

The Official Ranking of The Real Housewives

We at E! News can’t get enough of The Real Housewives. We obsess over their feuds, we interject their taglines into conversations on the regular, we even download their hilarious songs. But not all Housewives are created equal. For every Teresa Giudice, there’s a Tammy Knickerbocker. 

We proudly present the official ranking of The Real Housewives. All 101 of them.

Adam Olszweski/Bravo

101-98. The Real Housewives of D.C.

Bravo’s ill-fated attempt at highlighting our nation’s capital brought together four women so forgettable you’d be forgiven for erasing them from your memory and one so desperate for fame that she crashed the White House. More on her later. (Those forgettable ladies? Mary Amons, Lynda Erkiletian, Cat Ommanney, and Stacie Scott Turner.)

Tommy Garcia/Bravo

97-91. The Real Housewives of Potomac

After two seasons, we can’t be bothered with Gizelle Bryant, Karen Huger, Robyn Dixon, Ashley Darby, Charrisse Jordan-Jackson, Monique Samuels, and Katie Rost‘s incessant arguments about etiquette or who the “Grande Dame of Potomac” might be. Sorry, not sorry.

Chris McPherson/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images

90. Kimberly Bryant, RHOC

Who?

BRAVO

89. Tammy Knickerbocker, RHOC

Again, who?

BRAVO

88. DeShawn Snow, RHOA

Once upon a time, DeShawn starred on the same TV show as NeNe Leakes. Surprising, we know.

BRAVO

87. Quinn Fry, RHOC

Her defining trait was “cougar.” Yawn.

Bravo

86. Kameron Westscott, RHOD

On the one hand, she’s the Housewife who introduced the world to pink dog food. On the other hand, she’s the Housewife who introduced the world to pink dog food.

Bravo

85. Siggy Flicker, RHONJ

From peacekeeper in season one to unrelenting complaints about a thrown cake in season two, we’re not sure what’s going on with Siggy, but we don’t love it.

Paul Zimmerman/Getty Images

84. Dolores Catania, RHONJ

Points for being willing to go toe-to-toe with Danielle Staub. Points subtracted for being unwilling to fault BFF Siggy on just about anything.

Bravo

83. Kelly Dodd, RHOC

Again, too new to the franchise to rank any higher. Points for the truly unorthodox living arrangements, though.

Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images for Allied-THA

82. Karent Sierra, RHOM

All we remember about Karent is that she was a dentist and none of her co-stars seemed to like her at all. Next!

Adam Olszweski/Bravo

81. Cristy Rice, RHOM

This was a real person with a show on Bravo. We promise.

Bravo

80. Jules Wainstein, RHONY

As RHONY‘s most recent one-and-done, Jules’ tenure was too brief to rank any higher. However, she sure did deliver her fair share of drama. 

Adam Olszweski/Bravo

79. Larsa Pippen, RHOM

If only we knew then that she was Kim Kardashian‘s BFF…

Jeff Daly/Bravo

78. Ana Quincoces, RHOM

Better luck on Next Food Network Star, Ana!

Bravo

77. Joyce Giraud de Ohoven, RHOBH

Nothing more than a punching bag for Brandi Glanville. Plus, her tagline celebrating the icky notion that you can never be too skinny was gross.

BRAVO

76. Cindy Barshop, RHONY

Cindy was supposed to be the new Bethenny Frankel. Cindy was no Bethenny Frankel.

Bravo

75. Amber Marchese, RHONJ

Everything Amber and her husband Jim did seemed to reek of desperation. Plus, he was involved in more of the drama than she was. Not a good look.

Mike Pont/Getty Images

74-73. Teresa Aprea and Nicole Napolitano, RHONJ

So unnecessary they couldn’t even get individual taglines.

Gabriel Olsen/FilmMagic

72. Lizzie Rovsek, RHOC

Another one of OC‘s one-and-done Housewives.

Jason Kempin/Getty Images

71. Cary Deuber, RHOD

Cary proved herself willing to stand up to the loudest of voices (e.g. LeeAnne Locken), but something about her marriage makes us uncomfortable. Maybe it’s her husband’s weird obsession with buying her entire wardrobe.

Bravo

70. D’Andra Simmons, RHOD

Her willingness to call BFF LeeAnne Locken on her BS, as well as the introduction to her delightful mother Mama D, are why D’Andra’s ranked as high as she is.

Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images

69. Lydia McLaughlin, RHOC

Lydia’s biggest storyline was trying to get her mom to stop smoking weed. Buzzkill!

Jason Kempin/Getty Images

68. Tiffany Hendra, RHOD

Tiffany never really had a storyline of her own in the first season of Dallas. Unless trying to convince her Keith Urban-lite husband that living in Texas was a good idea is your idea of riveting television.

Carlos Barrios/Getty Images for Luli Fama

67. Lisa Hochstein, RHOM

Lisa’s struggle with fertility was an emotional watch, but that was about all there was of note on her time on Miami.

Bravo

66. Stephanie Hollman, RHOD

Stephanie’s BFF relationship with Brandi Redmond is a delight, but Brandi always shines a bit brighter. Also, WTF is up with Stephanie’s husband and his lists?

Dylan Rives/Getty Images for Venue Magazine

65. Alexia Echevarria, RHOM

Points for wisely stepping away in season two to focus on her son after his horrific accident, but Alexia was never that interesting on her own.

Charles Sykes/Bravo

64. Adriana de Moura, RHOM

Adriana was the right kind of crazy. Too bad she was stuck on the sinking ship that was Miami.

Bravo

63. Joanna Krupa, RHOM

Joanna’s most memorable Housewives contribution was her offscreen feud with Brandi Glanville. That’s not how this works, Joanna. 

Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images for Maaji

62. Marysol Patton, RHOM

Marysol was only kept around because her mom Elsa was such a riot. You know, we know, and she knows it.

Bravo

61. Kathryn Edwards, RHOBH

We all cheered when Kathryn took on the infamous Faye Resnick as soon as she made her Beverly Hills debut. And then we snored through the rest of her brief time on the show.

Robin Marchant/Getty Images

60. Lea Black, RHOM

Lea was the grande dame of Miami and her co-stars knew it. No one dared cross her. Also, her husband once represented Justin Bieber in court!

Bravo

59. Brandi Redmond, RHOD

Did you ever expect a Housewife to talk about poop so much? We didn’t. We also didn’t expect to be as delighted by it as we were.

Bravo

58. Dorit Kemsley, RHOBH

Dorit, she of the indiscriminate European accent (despite being born in Connecticut) and boorish husband PK, came in hot when she was added to RHOBH in season seven, immediately pitting herself against fan-fave Erika Girardi in a feud that seemed to only exist in her head. She generated some great drama, but her inability to defend herself articulately against her superior co-stars prevents her from ranking any higher. (And if we ever hear the word Pantygate again, it will be too soon.)

Virginia Sherwood/Bravo

57. Lisa Wu-Hartwell, RHOA

Lisa was a perfectly fine Housewife, but we don’t want just fine. Not when she’s sharing the screen with NeNe Leakes.

Bravo Photo: Mitchell Haaseth

56. Lynne Curtin, RHOC

Lynne actually received an eviction notice on camera. Never forget!

Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images

55. Jo De La Rosa, RHOC

Jo was the first Housewife to explore her musical pursuits, kicking off one of our favorite trends in the franchise. But points deducted for being the person to foist Slade Smiley upon the world. 

Rodolfo Martinez/Bravo

54. Carlton Gebbia, RHOBH

The franchise’s first and only practicing Wiccan, Carlton was quite a character. Unfortunately, she never really seemed to want to be around any of the other women. At all. Bye, witch!

Tommy Garcia/Bravo

53. Peggy Tanous, RHOC

Peggy came in as a friend of Alexis Bellino and immediately revealed she once dated her husband. What a pal!

Bravo

52. Tinsley Mortimer, RHONY

With just one season under her belt, RHONY‘s ninth, the former socialite’s story mostly involved her tumultuous time crashing at Sonja Morgan‘s townhouse, where her friend treated Tinsley like her surrogate daughter—for better or (mostly) worse.

Mathieu Young/Bravo

51. Kristen Taekman, RHONY

Remember the time that Ramona Singer threw a wine glass at her face? 

Gerald Herbert/AP Photo

50. Michaele Salahi, RHODC

Michaele is the only reason anyone even remembers RHODC. Unfortunately, that’s because she and her husband crashed a state dinner at the White House on camera. The White House!

Bravo Photo: Mitchell Haaseth

49. Lauri Peterson, RHOC

Lauri’s time on RHOC was often consumed by her kid’s brushes with the law, but her villainous return in season eight was very entertaining. 

Jim Spellman/WireImage

48. Alex McCord, RHONY

Alex never really felt like a part of the group, nor did she seem to have the mettle to wrestle with the big dogs. Remember the way she always broke out into hives during confrontations?

Bravo

47. Claudia Jordan, RHOA

Claudia dared to take on NeNe Leakes and lived to tell the tale. Unfortunately, she couldn’t tell it on camera because she was given the boot after just one season.

Bravo

46. LeeAnne Locken, RHOD

The franchise’s first former carny, LeeAnne’s temper was unlike anything we’d ever seen before. She even went after a camera man during one particularly fiery outburst!

Bravo

45. Kim Fields, RHOA

Kim never really belonged on RHOA. She knew it, her co-stars knew it, and they all acted accordingly. It was never a good fit.

Photos

See More From The Official Ranking of The Real Housewives—All 101 of Them

Do you agree with Kameron and D’Andra’s spots on the list? Sound off in the comments below!

(E! and Bravo are both part of the NBCUniversal family.)

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