#sorry this post is so long now i just realised everyone should see the theater

[capn-twitchery]

oh i didn't get any good photos of it myself, but the whole old surgery room was cool as hell 👀

it's at the top of this big ol' tower

if anyone is ever around london i 10/10 recommend it and take me with you

all of this history talk reminds me i never sorted through the photos i took at the london surgical museum over....checks watch....a year and a half ago.....i wonder if any of it is FL relevant. hmm

do you guys wanna see some fucked up old med stuff

[capoteera]

Sorry it’s long

A few things:

I thought she is the wife of his best friend.

mid: No. now enough about these people.

Capt: No that’s Julie anon

Dude Chelsea wasn’t even his friend. She’s TARA’S friend. Trash was taken out months ago.

Just shows you how little they know and they have no MA sources. Chelsea is married to Chris’s oldest friend, one of the tight 8 and was even at their wedding as is Julie married to one of the tight 8.

Oh yeah she was also at MA and PT wedding. Didn’t know Tara could invite her friends 🤣

Why are you people mentioning these people? Tara and Chelsea haven’t done shit in months either . Ffs we’re on Tara . She’s not involved

You don’t think maybe it’s because of all the abuse that has been thrown at her that she doesn’t post Chris and she only ever posted him about twice a year🙄

He’s her golden boy because he pays for everything including her theater. He’s a typical mamas boy for a reason.

First he and his siblings grew up in the theatre. His nephews, niece and sisters are involved. He is on the advisory board so when the company needed a new home he stepped in and brought them an old church. (Actually it was done anonymously but everyone knows who it was) He didn’t do it just for mummy. He gave back to the place that fueled his love for acting and his family is still heavy involved it. He helped secure a base for the many kids that have/will and in future attend it.🤦🏻‍♀️

Snakes that aren’t even actually friends with Evans? Shocker. Mark should pick better fuck buddies.

Nichelle is now Mark’s buddy. Hope someone told his long term partner who he works with and is also friends with Nichelle.

And for the record Jamie is married to Bryan who Chris has been friends with for over 20yrs 🙄

I told you all a long ass time ago he cut people out. He’s not even close to mark. That’s a business partner.

He’s known Mark since 2010 when they worked on a movie they are friends. Mark was the one he could advise from for ASP and then Mark and Joe got on board. You just don’t randomly go to someone you hardly know to do that. Also Mark was at the MA wedding.

The Gp isn't going to sit there and try and figure out when the picture was. It's serving a purpose and t hat's that. not like the Gp is really looking at any of this because they were checked out long ago

As for JA posting an old pic they do realise outside the few following JA no one knows he the hell he is so wouldn’t be watching or care anyway.🙄

Funny TMZ found Lana Del Ray’s marriage license before her wedding but they still haven’t found Chris’s, I wonder why that is. LOL

If they found it before the wedding it means it was send to them. You normally can’t found the marriage licence before the wedding only after it’s registered. How Lisbon wedding looking or have we forgotten about that🤣🤣

And I see the BUA is coming soon - that window is fast closing🤣

Perfectly summed it all up!!! I hope that window slams on their heads lmao

[mercur1e]

Helllooooo

Soo I just saw you're headcannons are literally 💞💞

It's lowkey the only thing keeping me safe and alive ✋😌......soooooo can I request Gom + kuroko and kagami (if it's to much you can just doo Aomine, Kise and Midorima and akashi)where they accidentally hurt their s/o feelings pleaaseeeeee..... I need some angst but please end it in fluff (cuz i lowkey cannot handle it)

Please take care of yourself, your health always comes first, I love youuuu ❤❤❤

Ofc love! I hope you're doing well and I love you too :) <333

Akashi

He disregarded your hard work :(

You're trying to start your own small business and you're having a little trouble, which is not unusual that happens sometimes!

You were having trouble hiring employees and you were talking to him about it, and he was in a bad mood prior to you approaching him

"You're not going anywhere with this. It would just be better to give up on it. You're not going to make it that far even if you do succeed. And can you leave? I'm busy and all you're doing is acting as a distraction."

You just froze, you couldn't believe what he had just said

Not only did he know how much work you were putting in, he also knew how excited you were for the future of your shop too

You didn't even say anything, you just froze with shock, hurt, and surprise and stomped out of his office

You left the house, you needed some time to cool off and cry

It took Akashi a second to realize what he had said and how hurtful his words were, so he started looking all over for you in the house. He goes into the garage to see your car is gone and he assumes the worst.

You don't pick up the phone when he calls you or answer his texts, opting to turn it off after the fifth call.

You stay by your best friend for the night and they comforted you and told you he probably didn't mean it, and that you can stay as long as you need

After you leave from by your friends place you go to your favorite cafe for some breakfast

And guess who's there, Akashi.

You turn around and walk out because you were honestly not ready to deal with him just yet and it was too early in the morning for all that

He catches you on the way out and apologizes :)

"Love, I apologize for what I said yesterday. It was inconsiderate, hurtful, and wrong. You've been working so hard on your business and you're doing your best to make it happen. I was in a bad mood yesterday and I dont know what came over me. Will you forgive me?"

Looking you in the eye as he spoke every word, holding your hands and rubbing them, you know he was truly sorry and wants to fix what he did.

"I forgive you Sei, but what you said was really hurtful. You know how much this means to me and how much work I've been putting in. But I do forgive you."

He takes you out to eat at your favorite restaurant and watch a movie afterwards back at home, kisses you tons and holds you in his arms when you fall asleep.

He also puts in a good word with his work associates about your business and you gain more employees and popularity! But unless you want to do it completely on your own he's there supporting you every step of the way and giving you advice :)

Midorima

He acts like your affection is kryptonite, even though you're not a clingy or overly-affectionate person

You guys had been together for about 3-4 months

He always brushes you off even at the most simplest acts of affections, you're starting to really question if he even wants to be together.

Well this particular time he embarrassed you in front of the team :/

There was a break in between practice and you went to give him his water bottle and give him a hug

"Hey Shin he's your water bottle, don't work yourself too hard okay?"

After that you went in for a quick hug but he held a hand against your chest and glared at you

"Why are you always so clingy? You're always on me and its annoying. Can you just leave me alone or leave?"

He said that right in the middle of the court, everyone's eyes were on you and you felt embarrassed.

"...alright."

That's all you after said you shoved the water bottle into his hand and walked out of the gym.

Takao was the one to call him out on his behavior and tell him that he was being rude and that he should apologize

Midorima took that advice and after practice, he went to find you and apologize, except you weren't anywhere he checked or thought you would be

You avoided him for 3 days straight until he arrived at your house unannounced

Your lucky item in his hand, he gives you a well deserved apology

"Y/N I- I'm sorry that I was being rude to you. There was no reason for me to act like that and I haven't been appreciating you like I should. That was rude of me and I hope you except my apology. Also- this is your uh lucky item."

He hands you a plushie :)

He gives you hugs and reassures you that he appreciates your affections despite him not being used to it!

He also got an extra lap at practice from Miyaji lol but he decided not to tell you that part

Kise

Is very busy and it's sometimes hard to make time for you :(

And you also couldn't show him affection in public or be around him because his fangirls would throw a hissy fit

He hasn't been answering his phone and he can't really get that close to you at school so you've been feeling left behind

When you finally managed to catch him, you said you wanted to go out and just catch up because you two haven't spent much time together and he agreed

However Kise forgot about the plans and you were waiting at the restaurant, alone.

You went home that night upset, tired, and wondering if you even want to be in a relationship anymore

You stopped texting him and talking to talk to him at school, not that you even had that much time to talk to him and school anyway

Kise had realised a whole day later that he had forgotten about the plans you two had made together

He took off from work the whole week, even though his manager was mad about it and went off to find you

He found you at a park after school and approached you with flowers in his hand

"Y/N baby I'm so sorry I forgot about our date. I can't imagine how you must've felt and to make up for it I called the whole week off! I'm really, really sorry that I havent had time for you. Do you forgive me?"

"Yeah, I forgive you Kise I'm just really hurt that you stood me up. You knew we hadn't spent alot of time together and I was really hoping to catch up with you that night. But I'm just happy you're here."

He takes you to a concert! Your favorite artist was in town and he bought tickets for the two of you!

The whole week was filled with fun, love, and lots of conversations :)

He promises to make more time for you and be there for you whenever he can!

He also posts you on his socials and shows you affection at school, showing his fangirls that he's not for them, but for you and they can go away of they don't like that

Aomine

You feel like he doesn't put any effort into the relationship

It's always you doing everything, it just gets tiring

He doesn't really make an effort to do anything, like plan dates, hang out, or just spend time together

He also uses basketball as an excuse to not hang out with you when you already know he's not at practice

Like if you want alone time man just say that

So you had planned a date for you two, nothing big just going to the movie theaters yk

He cancelled last minute, saying Imayoshi was forcing him to come to practice

It was a sunday, they don't have practice in sunday

You talked to Momoi as she is a close friend of yours too, about how you feel like you're the only one making an effort and that you feel like he doesn't want to spend time with you

She tells you to confront him about it, so you do

The next time Daiki comes to your house you ask him about it

"It just feels like I'm the only one putting work into the relationship and I feel like you're avoiding me. You make up excuses to not be with me and bail on me last minute...do you even want to be with me? And if you do want alone time just be upfront about it, don't give me terrible excuses or flake out on me."

Aomine honestly didn't know you felt that way

Now that he looks back at it, it has been mainly you doing most of the stuff in the relationship, and he can see why you feel like it's only you trying

"You're right, it has been mainly you doing stuff for both of us. I'm gonna start putting in more effort because it's time I do. I'm sorry that I've been making shitty excuses to not hang out with you, and cancelling all of a sudden. I'll be honest when I don't feel like going out and I'll spend more time with you."

He makes it up to you by taking you to a festival and going to see a movie with you

True to his word, he starts putting more effort into y'alls relationship and you two take turns planning dates

And if he doesn't feel like going out you guys have at home dates instead :)

I know this took a little longer than usual, I'm sorry for the little setback. Hopefully you like them! Thank you for requesting and feedback is appreciated! Love you <333

[jamiejohnsontalk]

LGBT Representation in Jamie Johnson as Compared to Other Kids’ Media

Pinned to the top of my blog because I’m quite proud of this post, and I still want newer followers to be able to see it.

From what I know, LGBT representation is relatively new in media. Not just kids’ media, but media in general. I don’t even think I knew what gay meant until I was like 11. And I didn’t know that religions didn’t exactly have the greatest opinion of gay people till my GCSEs. In that sense, I was lucky. I knew I was gay before I knew what homophobia was, so I have always been comfortable with who I am. But others didn’t have life that... Well, simple I suppose. I’ve always known who I am, but other people, well, in the worst case scenario, gay people can become homophobic themselves and grow to hate themselves. This might seem like a sidetracky introduction, but I think it shows the importance of LGBT in media. For someone like me, it can help to start to normalise gay people to my family. Even though they’re still homophobic, at least they’re able to watch programmes with LGBT characters in. I met someone who’s dad wouldn’t watch any shows with LGBT characters in it. And for how rare gay people used to be in media in general, they’re even rarer in kids’ media. Why is it that Disney Channel only had their first gay main character in 2017 when homosexuality was legalised in... 2003 in the US. Wow, I can’t lie, I looked up that statistic expecting it to be way earlier. OK, but it was legalised in 1967 in the UK. So why did I never see any gay characters in my childhood? I’ve known I was gay since I was 9, but I must have first seen a gay character in, OK, it was Doctor Who. Captain Jack was pansexual. So I did have some LGBT representation. But there wasn’t much. And again, not in kids’ media. So, let’s look at some of the kids’ media that changed the landscape for LGBT rep in kids’ media. Sarah Jane Adventures and Wizards vs Aliens We’ll start with what I think is probably the worst types of LGBT representation. First of all: Wizards vs Aliens. Benny came out. But I can’t remember the show ever talking about it again after he came out. Sarah Jane Adventures. Yes, it’s not Russell T Davies’ fault that he never got the chance to let Luke come out in the show, and yes, he got to have Luke come out in the memorial episode for Sarah Jane on YouTube, but even before Liz had... Luke had left the main cast, so his coming out would have still meant less to audience members. Gravity Falls had a coming out at the very end of the show, and I believe so did Adventure Time, so they fit in this category too. Compare that to Dillon from Jamie Johnson. Yes, there’s a reasonable chance we won’t see him again after this season, but if it is, he gets to leave on a high. We get to explore his coming out journey. Steven Universe Steven Universe is great for LGBT representation, and it’s great for normalising LGBT representation. You’ve got a huge variety of LGBT characters, because the Gems are all gay (Except Rose). So you can understand that there are different types of gay people (Love Victor did that too, but I’m not sure how many people would watch it). Steven universe is definitely the gayest kids’ show. High School Musical the Musical the Series fits in this category too. Carlos is out and proud. And we don’t see his coming out, more his love life. Again, great rep. Normalises gay people. Jamie Johnson is nowhere near the level of gay that Steven Universe or High School Musical the Musical the Series is, but I think that it’s less meaningful than other shows I’ll mention and Jamie Johnson. It’s the same reason Victor said “Screw you” to Simon at the beginning of Love Victor. We don’t want to see gay people who have it easy. We want to see gay people who are like us. Who have been through stuff and have come out the other side alive. We want hope, but that doesn’t come from seeing gay people who have it easy. I see people playing football and risking corona and I’m jealous. I want to play football again. I see gay people have it easy: Same. I wish I could have it that easy, and it makes me sad. Steven Universe is a great show, and has great rep, but I think even kids’ media should have something closer to home. Andi Mack and Diary of a Future President I love how they portrayed Cyrus and Bobby. We got to see Cyrus’ story from realising he liked guys to being able to say “I’m gay” to showing his crush he likes him (though homophobes can pretend the bench scene was just a friendship scene). Cyrus’ arc was great, and the bench scene was perfect and the only problem with it was that it deserved a fourth season so we could see Cyrus and TJ in a relationship. Diary of a Future President though. I was heartbroken when Bobby didn’t come out to Liam. But then I found out there was a season 2 and I was OK, because it’s hard to come out. It’s as if all the shows make it so easy to come out to the first person, but it’s not. The first real life person I came out to, I came out at 22. And they had come out to me first. And I had to write it down on my phone. I couldn’t say it out loud. So yeah, seeing Diary of a Future President take it slow is amazing, and I love it, and it’s also what they did with Dillon. Some people think that they only really intended for Dillon to be gay from season 4. But, I think that they’ve known since the beginning. I plan to do a character analysis on Dillon after my rewatch, but I think I found something that shows they must have known since at least season 2. (I expect the analysis will be a lot shorter than this. Sorry for the crazy length. And if it’s a crap read. I don’t essay well). But if they knew from the beginning, that was a brilliant move on their part. The only thing that makes me unsure is how Dillon took 3 years to realise he might be gay, but it’s possible that he denied it to himself until he realised Elliot was gay. Because there’s no way he wasn’t thinking he was gay in season 4 episode 5. He didn’t think he was asexual, his reaction to Ruby’s foster mums suggested that he was interested because they were gay. But regardless, I love that they took it slow. Not everyone can come out as easily as others, and having someone like Bobby, or like Dillon, is so much more meaningful than Cyrus, even though Cyrus is an amazing character. Bobby and Dillon are more relatable because they’re finding it tough to come out. The Dumping Ground I kept trying to decide whether I thought the dumping ground or Andi Mack/Diary of a Future President had better LGBT representation. In the end, I decided that I preferred the Dumping Ground’s representation. Yes, in Andi Mack and Diary of a Future President, we get to see the coming out journey of Bobby and Cyrus, but even though Andi Mack touched on homophobia, a lot of people didn’t even realise Kira was blackmailing TJ, making him afraid of how people would react if they found out he was gay. A number of people just thought TJ was being an idiot. But the Dumping Ground had a gay couple wanting to foster Gus. And IIRC, Johnny thought it was wrong because they were gay. Something like that would foster (see what I did there?) potential discussion between parents and children about gay adoption. Some kids watching the show might have been gay and if they watched it with their parents, they could talk about it with them. Gage their reaction. Maybe even come out to them. The Dumping Ground’s episode was great. And then May-Li came out. And we never got to see her full journey, But we did get to see her journey to being accepted by her grandmother I think. And that’s something. And Now On To Jamie Johnson Just like the Dumping Ground, Jamie Johnson has been able to tackle serious issues. I mean, season 1 dealt with Jamie’s cheating father. You’ve got Zoe being a carer, Dillon getting diabetes. But in terms of LGBT representation, it’s season 4 and season 5. Season 4 episode 5 was incredible. I remember telling all my friends about it, and how amazing it was that CBBC were doing this. To recap: Ruby said her heroes were her foster parents, causing Dillon to ask Ruby about it. She thought he was being an idiot, even though in actual fact, he was excited that someone else was gay and trying not to show it. Dillon told his dad that Ruby had foster mums while he was telling him how Ruby’s biological parents weren’t in her life anymore. Liam, Dillon’s brother, used it to rile up Ruby’s sister Alba until she attacked him. She probably would have gotten expelled from the club, but Sienna filmed the incident so everyone found out what really happened, and it was Liam who got expelled. I think Alba only got excluded. What I find really awesome about the storyline though is not just that they had it. It was that the consequences of Liam’s actions set the course for the rest of the season, aka Dodgy Duncan. Liam’s actions caused the club’s image to go down the drain, and sponsors to leave, and that’s what made Duncan turn to the dark side. And it’s a subtle way to just say “Homophobia is bad”. Because Liam’s homophobia caused all the problems in the rest of the season. The First Time Dillon Let Himself “be Gay” Dillon took a long time to come out. And, like me, I think for a long time, nobody really suspected he was gay, in real life or in the audience. He never really showed it. I’m pretty sure when I was a kid, I would act super offended and upset if someone jokingly called me gay. So, yeah, it’s a slow burn. And we didn’t get any hints that he was gay, but that happens. Gay people are good at hiding, I think that’s why gay kids are often portrayed as loving theater. They already have to act their whole lives. It’s not easy to be in the closet. But I think that once Dillon was able to leave his father’s shadow, he was able to be more comfortable with himself, leading to him coming out to Elliot in episode 7. I think he had crushes before, specifically Michelle from season 2, but Elliot was the first time he felt like he could be himself. So here we have two massive points from other shows, but they haven’t been done together. The discussion of homophobia in the Dumping Ground, and the Slow Burn from Diary of a Future President. Social Media Presence Andi Mack made a huge deal about Cyrus being gay, like a week before the episode where he came out aired. HSMTMTS had Carlos be a gay stereotype from the trailer, and OK, Steven Universe was always gay. But Jamie Johnson, and the Dumping Ground didn’t make a big deal about it beforehand. They didn’t scream to the world “Look at us! We’re woke!” They showed it. They let people see for themselves, they let people debate for two weeks on Dillon’s sexuality, and they didn’t tell everyone that this was the episode Dillon would come out (though they made sure that everyone knew they should watch this episode). They just let people see for themselves. And after the episode aired, they made their move. They had the Jamie Johnson logo in rainbow colours to celebrate pride, they had a guide on how to react if someone comes out to you, and they had a history of pride, and I expect they’ll do even more on their social media after this week’s episode. @tkstrand​ reckons the Delliot post is Jamie Johnson’s most liked instagram post. I don’t know whether the other shows did this, but it’s a great gesture regardless. Oh, and there’s the fact that they’re doing a Bafta zoom conference on how they tackle issues. Choosing the Right Character and Breaking Ground for CBBC A lot of people on Instagram said that they thought it was Boggy who should be gay, and while I think either storyline would be great, I think that the writers made the right decision. 1) Boggy is an amazing person. He’s not afraid to be himself. I think, if Boggy was gay, then he wouldn’t have as much trouble coming out as Dillon is having. Of course, Boggy is going through stuff right now, but I still think he would have been a lot braver than Dillon and so we wouldn’t get the storyline we’re getting now delving into homophobia 2) If Dillon does have a minor or major role in season 6, we might get to explore homophobia in professional football, which would be super exciting 3) While Boggy is an amazing character, I’d reckon kids tend to gravitate to the coolest character as their favourite. And while Boggy radiates cool. (Seriously, check out the two posts I made on how sarcastic he is. And just look at his hat at the beginning of episode 1!

But Dillon is the more traditionally cool character, so he’s more likely to be a fan favourite (that and the fact that he’s the best developed character in Jamie Johnson). So for those who aren’t necessarily homophobic, but don’t really understand homosexuality, Dillon is the perfect choice to have written as gay. Because after next week, the people who don’t believe Dillon is gay might leave the episode with a new understanding of LGBT people. It’s been done with TJ, who’s also a cool character, but people who want to ignore the gay subtext can because it was never said out loud in the show. And I reckon Dillon is a groundbreaking character for CBBC. Benny left soon after he came out, Luke left before he came out, May-Li is part of an ensemble cast, so in terms of a small number of main characters (the core 4 in JJ being Dillon, Jamie, Zoe and Boggy), so I think Dillon is the first gay main character (not ensemble character) on CBBC who has gotten a major gay storyline. Could be wrong, let me know if I am! Groundbreaking in General From what it looks like, the next episode is gonna focus completely on Dillon’s coming out storyline. Forget kids’ media, I don’t think I’ve seen an adults’ show that has an entire episode solely dedicated to an LGBT storyline. (Even Reunited from Steven Universe wasn’t completely focused on Garnet). Love Victor was jam packed with side stories and I think even Real O’Neals always had side stories to it. If another show has done this, I’d love to hear, but if Jamie Johnson really has the whole episode dedicated solely to Dillon, I think it’s huge. I only hope it doesn’t mean that the storyline will be forgotten about in the last 4 episodes, but since the head writer of Jamie Johnson is LGBT, I have no doubt they’ll do it justice. Does Jamie Johnson Have the Best LGBT Representation in Kids’ Media? No, I don’t think it does. Andi Mack has 2 seasons where we follow Cyrus on his coming out journey and Steven Universe has a lot more LGBT people, including a non-binary character. But in the aspects Jamie Johnson does well, it excels at. The homophobia storyline(s), and Jamie Johnson’s instagram presence. And having the best developed and best defined character be the one to show kids how to treat gay people. Thursday could be a historic moment for Kids’ television if they do this right, and I think they will. So I hope that everyone enjoys the episode! No, I swear this wasn’t a long promo for the next episode. No, I am not sponsored. Yes, this post was extremely long, I’m really sorry about that. I hope it’s worth the read. If not, don’t worry, this will almost definitely be my longest post. No, I don’t know how to have a “continue reading” button. Does anyone happen to know how? Thanks! Edit: Apparently 4 O Clock club had a gay main character first, so I got that wrong, but I still hold that Jamie Johnson is groundbreaking.

[amuelle]

Surprise, surprise…YOU ARE the poison.

We are officially in 2019. All the people who were being cut off in 2019 have been cut off. You might just be the toxic person and now you have to deal with knowing you aren’t that great. As I just found out recently….

(Names were changed in the production of this post to protect the identity of participants…but she knows who she is and I’m not sorry….)

I think it’s important to maintain relationship and it’s not difficult to do. I’ve always prided myself on being a great communicator and maintaining relationships. I know I’m not the easiest person to love or get to know. It also takes a lot to get past my initial ‘hard’ exterior. Deep down inside past the sarcasm and smart mount…I’m really a sweetheart….Really. Its something I have complete security in. I know this about myself, I am a great communicator and friend. I was absolutely certain about it but I recently found out that that is not the experience that everyone has had with me. I rarely make new friends, however on occasion you meet someone who can make a valuable contribution to your life in the form of a new friend. I met this one lady – Lola, a long time ago when we were kids. We only became friends when a mutual friend reintroduced us in our 20s. We became a girl gang who hung out every weekend and grew close over a few years and it was a great time.

Part of adulating is accepting you aren’t always a ray of sunshine, you too can be a trash human being at times. Just because you don’t think something about yourself or are convinced you are a great human being that doesn’t make it true. Let me make a personal example – I know I’m loving and know how to show love. Just because I think I’m loving that doesn’t mean that everyone in my life agrees with that.  It doesn’t also mean that that’s how they experience me. My belief that I’m loving doesn’t negate the negative experiences people have had with me.

Recently….well not recently, Lola cut me off a long time ago but my slow ass only caught off after actually confronting the issue with her. We had a spat and I still admit I acted like a dick and I apologised for it when I realised where I had gone wrong. I apologised profusely. I apologised like I was Ruben Studdard and it was 2004, like Kobe did when he was caught cheating….I APOLOGISED…On more than one occasion and I thought we were solid but this was not the case. After noticing her distance herself I decided to reach out because maybe she was just living her life and still wanted to be homies. She didn’t respond to my text and I started to worry but I didn’t have the courage to address it. So it persisted to bother me and finally I reached out again and still no response but this time a bitch had some balls and asked why I was being ghosted. She finally responded saying “Because you are ill-tempered and thus incapable of communicating your hurt without being hurtful or catty to other people. This is my experience of you and I would rather not deal with that kind of energy”

(ROW OF SHOCKED EMOJIS AND SIDE EYE)

(THIIIIIIS BITCH)

I’ll admit that I was shocked and I wanted to further engage in the conversation but then it HIT me, she was right. In this specific scenario I was the poison. I had been a dick to her and she didn’t want to deal with me which was super fair. Did I agree with her a hundred percent, no not at all (let’s say vehemently disagree because I’m fucking awesome) but that didn’t matter because for her she had decided and she had cut me off.

I’ve seen that meme all over the socials about how if I’m the poison in your life don’t feel bad about cutting me off, we are grown and self care is important and blah blah blah….ABSOLUTE SHIYYYYTE! That shit hurts. It hurts, you will feel blindsided especially if you thought the issue was resolved. You may or may not get mad and you might want to act in the exact way that you got cut off in the first place. And that is EXACTLY what I did…..I totally did. I let my lil ill-tempered ass get to work. She clearly hadn’t thought it was of any value to notify me she didn’t want to be friends anymore and I wasn’t about to beg another woman like she gives me rounds. If I hadn’t apologised sincerely more than once I would get it but alas we were here now and a bitch got pride. After she gave me the answer I needed I also ghosted her. Then proceeded to delete her off ALL social media, whatsapp groups, deleted the reminder for her little birthday… I was all DELETE, no pause!

The deleting was definitely a knee jerk reaction. However I am NOT willing to swallow my pride and go back to talking to her about it because I am the POISON. It doesn’t mean I should just lay down and die. What exactly would I be trying to negotiate there???? I’ll tell you what, NOTHING!!!! Not one thing because she doesn’t want my friendship and that’s not a bad thing at all. Effectively, this person just said she wants nothing to do with me and that means everything relating to our former friendship had to change. I couldn’t be the only one in it and by keeping her number and keeping her on social media was just that. It’s a break up, break ups suck but they also teach you things. I am ill-tempered and don’t communicate well when I’m hurt.…BUT WHO DOES??? How many people can say at the height of experiencing the emotions that come with betrayal or an invasion of their privacy they will talk in a calm rational and thoughtful manner?  I can’t say that for myself. In fact the person who can communicate their hurt that way, I’d like to meet. I’d like to shake their hand, sponsor their life and follow them like people used to follow The Grateful Dead….. (And I’m serious!) As for being catty…shiiiiiit….I wrote that book, wrote the movie adaptation, executive produced the sound track and there is talk of a theater production. Yes, YES, YES she was right.

It takes a minuet for you to realise that your feelings are making you act a certain way. That certain way might make you not to be the most gracious human being. That said that text made me feel like I hadn’t grown, changed or learnt anything since. She drew a conclusion and it was a fair one because that was her experience. I don’t have to like it for it to be true. I am NOW not quick to be a dick but that doesn’t mean irrevocable damage wasn’t already done. I don’t dispute that at all and nor do I wanna change her mind. I’m only human and I made a mistakes. Just because you apologise it doesn’t mean the other person is obligated to accept your apology. Not only that, they are not obligated to try grow through something with you. They don’t owe you anything….(let that sink in, lets also repeat it for the people who read and don’t absorb immediately…..NO ONE OWES YOU A DAMN THING!)

Now rudely awoken to my toxic traits I am obligated to do better. My problem is/was that I need to use my words better at all times, especially when I’m upset. It’s not fair to lash out but it’s also impossible to gauge how you will react when your privacy is invaded or you feel betrayed. We all have knee jerk reactions and sometimes it hurts the people around us. BUT!!!!!!!! And this is a big BUTT… I mean stripper from Atlanta round and brown big. You are HUMAN!!! You will make mistakes and if you don’t grow from them then you deserve to be cut off and then cut off again coz you know better but don’t do better.

Someone can experience you in a certain phase of your life and assume that’s who you are. That’s who you were at that moment maybe when you aren’t heated you aren’t that person. That doesn’t matter. How many of us go back to the stove to get burnt some more after having been burnt? You won’t go back to get brunt again, but you still need to use the stove to cook. You just now need to be more careful. It’s crazy and irrational to think someone would see poisonous traits in you and stick around to see IF you change. There is no guarantee that once the issue has been raised and apologies exchanged that you will change. If they don’t give you the chance to show them you have changed, you aren’t their lover and even if you were they have every right to still leave you if you are not fulfilling your mandate. Don’t be selfish enough to think anyone is obligated to put up with your torture.

Torture yourself and let the rest of us LIVE!!! That said in this situation since I am the poison I have to understand that I was the weakest link. Even though I felt slated because in her other friendships she had given chances and let others change and grow to be better. In our situation maybe she reached her breaking point quicker or our friendship wasn’t that important to her such that we could try work through things. I’ve decided to KTSE( Keep The Same Energy). If you don’t want to try with me I’m not going to try convince you I am worth it. I already know I am (wow that whole paragraph sounds so defensive….oh well)

At this point It’s not about loses and gains, it’s all about peace of mind. Lola did what she had to do. By asking and her telling me she is done with me, it gave me what I needed too. I’m solid right now. I absolutely prefer this to the purgatory of a one side friendship. I know better now and my intension is to always be cognisant of the way I deliver a message even when I’m hurt. You have been cut off for a reason and that reason should be a starting point for you being a better human being.

At the time of writing this I hadn’t seen her in a LONG LONG time. When I finally did, I was with a mutual friend and I avoided her like the plague. If I saw her left, I went right, like I was playing ‘you can’t catch me’ and that was the ill-tempered petty in me…I feel fine about it because it’s good to know we are nothing to each other. I am also grateful she showed me that I need to do better and I intend to do so.