#sorry no half-assed anniversary drawing this year lol

[nico-drives-badly]

Happy Anniversary, DMC5! ✨

Hard to believe it’s been 4 years since Devil May Cry permanently took over my brain space. This fandom is one of the funniest and most positive internet spaces I’ve ever been in and I love every minute of it. 💗

[golbrocklovely]

i'm gonna rant about this for two seconds just bc i saw a lot of stuff about it on twitter and don't really feel like bitching about it there lol

so the teen wolf movie… i knew from the get go this was gonna end up being shit the moment dylan wasn't gonna be in it sksks

but what i've heard about this movie (bc highkey i ain't gonna watch it sorry), it somehow is worse than imagined.

i used to love teen wolf. literally watched it as it was airing. used to have a blog dedicated to it, used to do live recaps on my personal tumblr. i loved that show. but i started to not care about it around season 4/5ish. basically, they introduced too many characters and i just didn't care about a single one of them. hilariously one of the characters i despise is now loved deeply (theo) so… go figure.

but what i don't understand is… why are any of you surprised that jeff davis did what jeff davis does best and fucked up teen wolf?

like this man was notoriously hated for years in the fandom after season 3 bc everything he did to the characters sucked ass. and then topping all of that off, the queerbaiting. that man originated it (not really, but you get my point) so why are you guys surprised that he basically did all of this again just a decade or more later??

of course this movie was a cash grab and not really meant to bring back the love or respect the fans' love for this story. it was just to make money and keep the property rights going.

personally, if i was going to make a teen wolf movie, this is what i would have done:

the overall theme of the movie - letting go of the past.

assuming you could get most of the cast to come back, this is how the movie would have went: after everyone graduated high school (at least the main cast like scott, lydia, stiles, malia, that group), they all immediately left BH. maybe even make it seem like it was a supernatural reason or something, like something pushed them away from BH but they didn't know it at the time. years later, scott is starting to see visions of allison again, like how this movie alluded to it in the trailers. have the others start to see it too. maybe they even see past monsters coming back and haunting them, which makes them all go back to BH. imagine it kinda like in "it" where all the adult versions of the kids didn't remember their old home town, but once they are told about it, they are drawn back. kinda sorta like that.

they get to BH and everything seems okay-ish. hell, maybe you can even make it where it's their 10 year hs anniversary or something just so you get to see all the familiar faces. all of sudden, old monsters that they have fought and killed before come back. bring out all the old hits, maybe some new ones - idk. then, have allison appear. but she's not how she used to be.

she's now void!allison.

each of the main characters has to go on their own journey and fight their own battles - past monsters they once faced they now have to deal with again. there is a bigger monster controlling all of the older monsters (maybe it's void!allison or maybe it's someone pretending that it's her) and if these monsters aren't defeated by the red moon (or some other bs werewolf lore shit that can be made up idk) these monsters will ACTUALLY come back and start killing all the citizens of BH bc in the current period they are only half as strong as they could be. and make it bc, as deaton had mentioned oh so many years ago, BH is a beacon for the supernatural. and something buried deep in BH is drawing this Main Monster to create and resurrect all of these old monsters.

and the whole point of the movie is showing that even tho they moved away from BH and continued living, none of them ever really moved on from what happened to them. you can have malia have to face off against her mother again. lydia maybe is back in eichen house or something. as for derek and scott, they are facing bigger issues.

scott - he has to get over losing his first love, allison. especially since in this state, she is trying to constantly kill him and his pack. he never truly got over her death, and so in the end… he has to kill her. bc realistically allison wouldn't want to be fighting him or trying to kill him or any of her friends. and more she is "alive" the less like her she is being. she is becoming more and more a monster, and scott knows that that isn't something she would want. maybe even have it where the Big Monster offers him the chance to have her be actually resurrected and not just used as a puppet if he relinquishes his powers to the Big Monster.

derek - he has to face his fears and forgive himself of his family's death (along with his first love's death as well). just a lot of forgiveness on his part, especially since now he has a kid. his kid shouldn't inherent the trauma that derek has had just bc he never truly got over it. have derek face off not only against past monsters, but maybe against himself. the Big Monster might try to persuade him to die and give up his powers bc he'll at least be with his family again. maybe derek finally realizes that he isn't alone in this world bc he has family living rn. and this makes him want to keep fighting.

and this would be a great time to note that if dylan didn't want to come back like he did irl, you can blame it on him being a human and not a supernatural being. or idk, come up with a bs reason like he's overseas taking care of the kids that he and lydia clearly and definitely had bc they are meant to be together.

they are just able to defeat their past demons, and they all band together and defeat the Big Monster in some way or another. all the other side characters that have existed can be included in each of the main casts' stories in one way or another. maybe have them be each other's tether or whatever. idk, i'm not working out all the kinks bc i ain't writing this.

in the end, they all live, maybe one of them can have a moment of almost dying - but they all make it out in the end. allison is still dead tho, bc she is meant to be dead. even tho it's heartbreaking, it's a part of life that scott can now finally accept and move on from. much like the rest of the characters and their past. they are finally healed.

see… wouldn't that have been better than whatever the fuck happened in the movie lol

[buckys-other-punk]

Insensitive

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Summary: Chris has been acting strange on your anniversary. 

Word Count: 1.4K

Warnings: Angst, alcohol, cheating, cussing, douchebag Chris, mentions of sex and sex toys, and I think that’s it

A/N: Hello, this is my first Chris Evans fic and you know I had to make it angsty (I feel like angst has become my trademark lol). This has been sitting in my drafts for a while and I feel like this could have passed for a good Ransom fic...too late! 🤔 🤷🏻‍♀️ Anyways feedback is very much appreciated and lemme know if you wanna be tagged in my future works. Also ignore any mistakes i’ve made lol this isn’t heavily edited.

Y/N was never a patient person, but she was for the one she loves. It was her 2 year anniversary with her boyfriend, Chris Evans. She picked her favorite elegant dress for the fancy restaurant where Chris had made a reservation. She gave her keys to the valet and walked into the restaurant. 

“Hi, I have a reservation under Evans.” Y/N said to the hostess who simply nodded and escorted Y/n to her table. “Thank you.” she smiled and stared at her phone. She was on time like always, unlike Chris who was always fashionably late. Now the waiting game begins. 

*5 minutes pass*

She looked over the drink menu and ordered a bottle of wine. I mean might as well if Chris will be paying for it. Y/N looked at her phone for the time contemplating if she should text her boyfriend or not. She opted not to knowing he's probably showering or picking what he would wear. She sighs as her bottle comes and the waiter pours her a glass and gives her breadsticks. 

“Would you like to order now miss?” the waiter asks.

“Um, just give me a few more minutes. I’m sure my boyfriend will be here soon.” Y/N replies and the waiter nods leaving her alone. She sips her wine and looks over the dinner menu.

*10 minutes pass*

Alright so now Y/N is getting a bit impatient. She’s on her third glass of wine and second basket of breadsticks. She pulled out her phone and decided this was a perfect time to call her boyfriend. 

Ring 

Ring

Ring 

It’s Evans. You know what to do. 

Beep

“Hey babe. I was just wondering what time you'll be at the restaurant? I wore your favorite dinner dress.” she said with a sultry voice. “If you fucking forgot our anniversary I will murder you. Love you.” she ended the voicemail. She sighed and continued to eat the free breadsticks.

*30 minutes pass*

Y/N’s temper has gone up. She decided to text her boyfriend thinking that her voicemail wasn’t enough to get his attention.

Y/N: Chris, you better be getting fucking ready and out the door by now. I swear if another person looks at me with pity you will rue the day you were born.

 Y/N huffed and drank her sixth glass of wine. The bottle was half way full or empty in Y/N’s eyes. The waiter came by growing a bit impatient pointing at her menu. “You know what I’ll order a salad for my appetizer.” Y/N said with a cheeky smile. The waiter nodded and just as he was about to leave Y/N said, “OH! And more breadsticks please.” He turned and gave her a sarcastic smile then walked away. Y/N sighed and continued to drink her wine. The other people around her began to stare at her. “I will kill that man” she said under her breath while scrolling through her phone.

*45 minutes pass*

Still nothing. Y/N’s patience has gone down the drain and is getting a bit annoyed. She finished her salad, another basket of breadsticks and also the entire bottle of wine. She avoided every glance her way and her anxiety began to kick in. “Can I get a coffee please?” she asked the waiter and he nodded. As soon as her coffee arrived her nerves began to go down a bit, but she was still pissed.

*1 hour passes*

Chris: Hey honey, I'm gonna be a little late. 

“Little late my ass.” she said. “Wait, what the fuck?” Y/N questioned as she read the text. He never calls me honey. Y/N said to herself and that's when she knew something was up. “Hey, can I get the check?” as told the waiter passing by.

*time jump: Y/N arrives at Chris’ House*

Y/N stepped out of her car and walked towards Chris’ house. Deciding it's probably a better idea to sneak in the back. Walking along the walkway crossing the small pond towards the glass doors. Locked. Luckily Chris’ maid, Mabel, was sweet enough to give you spare keys for the front and back doors. Mabel cared for Chris like her own child and Chris showed her so much respect. 

“Bless that woman.” Y/N said to herself while unlocking the door. Walking around the first floor nothing seemed out of place and the lights were on. Y/N walked to the stairs and began to head towards the second floor of the house. Drawing closer to Chris’ bedroom Y/N heard something. Right when she opened the door she saw two figures in the bed naked and having a heavy make out session.

“YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!” Y/N yelled, scaring the two. “ARE YOU FUCKNG SERIOUS CHRIS!” the two in the bed stared at you with awe. 

“Y/N babe, I can explain.” Chris said, slipping out of the bed fully naked.

“Shut up Evans.” Y/N replied quickly. “Who the fuck are you?” she asked the woman in bed.

“I’m Brittany. Chris’ girlfriend. Who are you?” the girl answered.

“Girlfriend huh? Tell me Brittany, how long have you been with Chris?” you asked her and Chris was about to butt in, but you held a finger up to stop him.

“Four months.” she said, “I’m sorry, who are you again?” she asked Y/N another time. 

“Well sweetheart, I’m Chris’ other girlfriend apparently.” you replied staring at you alleged boyfriend. “You know what I can’t fucking believe you would do this. I knew you were an asshole, but seriously four mon-” Y/N was interrupted by  a figure came out of the bathroom completely naked like the other two.

“Who’s ready for round 3?” she said holding up various sex toys smiling. Chris remained motionless staring at the scene unfolding.

Y/N stared at the three naked people. “Fuck you Evans. Enjoy your fucking threesome.” she said to him walking out of the bedroom. Chris quickly grabbed his joggers from the floor following Y/N outside.

“Y/N, I can explain.” he grabbed her wrist and she drew it back quickly.

“Alright fucker explain then. Tell me why the fuck you were having a threesome on out anniversary.” Y/N said to him with anger.

“Fuck. It’s our anniversary?” he said, staring at her.

“FUCK YOU DICK!” Y/N yelled walking towards her car. Chris grabbed her wrist again.

“Wait babe, I’m sorry. I knew it was our anniversary. I was kidding. I texted you back right, didn't you see it.” he said

“You’re fucking kidding me right? I waited for you in that restaurant for an hour!!” Y/N said trying to keep your cool.

“I mean our relationship was going so fucking slow.” He replied. 

“IS THAT WHY THAT FUCKING BITCH WAS IN BED WITH YOU?! BECAUSE OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS TOO FUCKING SLOW FOR THE GREAT CHRISTOPHER EVANS!!” Y/N yelled at the man shaking her head.

“Well, I mean, I guess it’s good our relationship is over right?” he said peacefully scratching the back of his head staring at you. 

You were beyond pissed now. “You wanna know how I figured you were doing something douchey? You fucking called me honey!?” you yelled at him and began walking towards your car. He was hot on your trail.

“Well, that’s what I get for not paying attention while I was fucking those two girls.” he said with a smirk. 

Slap

Chris’ cheek was now as red as your hand. “Fuck you Chris.” you said. “I hope you have fun fucking those skanks again and again.”

“I will.” he said quietly, but you heard. As you got to your car, you unlocked your car and pulled something out. Chris was staring at you with a questioning face. “Y/N what are you doing?” he asked you following in your steps getting closer to his expensive car. You got the brick that was in your hand and threw it on the windshield of his Mustang. “Y/N!! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A BRICK IN YOUR CAR?!” he yelled walking over to his car staring at it in distress.

“For protection? I don’t fucking know, but I left it there for when you are an even more asshole than usual. Today you drew the line.” you said walking back to your car. Chris watched your departure and looked back at his car.

“HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPLAIN THIS TO THE DEALERSHIP?!” he yelled as you drove off.

A/N: Was that good? lol I love Chris and writing him like this feels wrong, but like i said love me some angst. 

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*lemme know if you wanna be on or off my tags*

[c-c-cherry]

April 4th

Today is Mista's least favourite day in the world. Maybe Giorno underestimated how much of an effect it really had on his friend.

I wrote this on Ao3 on April 4th so I hope that explains things lol

Word Count: 3711

◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

Giorno slowly walked upstairs, attempting to balance a full glass of water on an already slippery food tray. He didn’t think that he’d be spending his morning trying to intrude on his friend’s personal business, but a part of him couldn’t help it. He just had to know.

***

The day had been pretty normal as far as mornings go: Abbacchio was completely ignoring everyone at the breakfast table, Bucciarati was busy cooking waffles, Trish was leaned back in her chair reading a magazine, and Fugo was clearly trying to restrain himself from strangling Narancia to death, who “had the audacity to be so fucking loud this early” according to him.

Giorno stepped down from the stairs and into the kitchen and was greeted with multiple ‘good mornings’ from his teammates sitting at the table.

It made him feel warm inside, as much as he would never admit it. Before Bucciarati, he never really had anyone to greet in the morning; his stepfather was always passed out, and if his mother wasn’t giving him the cold shoulder, she was out having the time of her life at some club.

Things were different now. Although everything was so strange at first-- full meals, watching movies, people like Bruno and Mista who always asked how he was doing-- he was slowly growing more and more used to it. Something about it made him feel so...domestic.

“How many waffles do you want?”

Bucciarati’s voice cut his thoughts in half as he pulled up a chair next to Trish.

“Just one, thank you.”

The table resumed as normal as everyone got their food one-by-one, and Giorno turned his head to ask Mista a question when he realized that Mista’s spot was still vacant.

“Mista hasn’t come down yet,” he commented quietly, hoping someone else would notice as well.

“Well...duh,” Narancia replied, looking dumbfounded that Giorno would even think about Mista coming out of his room. Giorno stared blankly at the boy before looking up at Bucciarati.

“I’ll bring him some food in a bit,” Bruno sighed as he put another waffle on Narancia’s plate, “It's not a good idea to try to get him to come downstairs today.”

“Today…?” Giorno asked himself, trying to wrack his brain for some memory explaining why today could be bad. A death anniversary? His birthday? Did something bad happen to him on this date that he forgot about? No matter how hard he thought about it, his mind was drawing a blank.

“It's April 4th,” Narancia chimed in, stabbing a strawberry with his fork. He snorted when Giorno stared at him, confused as if to say, ‘How the hell do you not get it?’

What the hell was Giorno missing about this? Fugo sighed in irritation before he could try to decipher it even more.

“04/04,” the blonde remarked, watching Giorno’s face turn from confusion to realization, “There’s no way in hell Mista is coming out of his room today. Hell, he’s probably just pretending that today isn’t happening at all.”

Abbacchio snorted from behind his book. Bruno hit him on the back of the head with the spatula in his hand.

“Not funny,” he said, although a soft smile could be seen creeping on his face.

“To be fair, he’s pretty dramatic about it,” Trish said, taking a bite of her apple, “It's almost humorous, the way he makes that number such a big deal.”

“Exactly! Like, what’s he gonna do when he turns 44? Just cry for a whole year?” Narancia cackled, “What’s he gonna do when it's 2004? That’s coming up soon, too!”

“April 4th, 2004 will be a day to remember, alright,” Fugo groaned, simultaneously turning his head away in disgust as he watched Narancia drown his waffles in syrup.

“I mean, technically Number Five of his stand is really Number Four when you really think about it,” Trish said, “But I bet he’d have a stroke if someone told him that.”

“He just thinks that ignoring the number will make it disappear,” Fugo scoffed, “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

Giorno stared down at his plate. Was Mista really that affected it? He had heard the man complain about the number once in a while, but it seemed almost in a dramatic or joking way, at least from the way everyone made fun of him for it.

Mista was a pretty good sport. Maybe it was from all the injuries he had sustained in his time as a Passione member, but the man was surprisingly durable. Sure, he whined about everything from getting shot to the number four, but in the end, he always found a way to suck it up and make it better.

Giorno wondered if this was just another “Mista being dramatic” moment or if something was seriously bothering him. It was hard for him to even imagine Mista being more than his happy, whiny, dramatic self, but Giorno was the king of false appearances. He would know.

From all the shit he had lived through, Giorno was sure of one thing; no one will notice it unless it takes you over, or you decide to talk about it yourself.

“Hey. Do I have to give you guys the spatula, too?” Bruno asked, raising an eyebrow in disapproval. Giorno’s mind was brought back to reality, back to the table they all-- not Mista-- shared.

Narancia screeched and dove under the table and Trish laughed as Abbacchio angrily hissed at him to get his ass back in his seat. Fugo wiped his mouth with a napkin but said nothing.

Breakfast was resumed in peace, (aside from Narancia complaining about “fucking math”), and everyone had cleared from the table and respectively got to whatever activity they wanted to do. It wasn’t often that they had Saturdays free, but Bucciarati insisted that today's schedule was cleared off. 

Giorno imagined that it was because of whatever Mista was doing upstairs, but everyone seemed pretty stressed lately, anyway. A day off couldn’t hurt either way.

Narancia and Trish had fled to Narancia’s room to play Mario Kart before Fugo hunted them down and forced the orange boy to work on multiplication, Abbacchio resumed whatever book he was reading in the living room all while Bucciarati did the dishes.

Giorno sat at the table, unsure of what to do. He thought about doing paperwork, but there really wasn’t much to do in general. Besides, he felt a bit curious about what Mista was doing. He knew that it wasn’t his business, but he really did want to see how his friend was doing.

He had no idea if Mista was just being his dramatic self or not, but he knew that if it bothered him enough not to eat, it might be more serious than he thought. Either way, Mista was his friend. He knew the most out of anyone that going through things alone was always significantly worse.

“Need something?” Bruno asked, and Giorno realized that he’d been sitting at the table for far too long. Feeling his face turn slightly pink, he quickly shook his head. Bruno didn’t give the boy a second glance and resumed to...whatever he was doing.

“Sorry, but...may I ask what you’re doing?” the blonde said quietly, leaning back in his chair a bit. He bit his lip for being so formal with the man, he promised them he would try to kick the habit. Bruno seemed to pay no mind to it as if he were too concentrated on whatever task he was doing.

“Food for Mista,” was all the man said in reply, continuing to prepare the plate. Whatever it was, it wasn't what they had for breakfast. The plate was full of snacks, hardly a full meal; Fruits, cheeses, crackers, salami, Giorno recognized it all as Mista’s favourites.

“No waffles?” Giorno asked in confusion, and Bruno chuckled.

“He’d just spend forever counting the little holes in the waffles. They’d be cold before he could even take a bite,” he replied, “I doubt I’ll get him to eat anything today, anyway.”

What a mom, Giorno thought to himself as he watched Bruno patiently put everything on a tray. When he turned around and headed upstairs, Giorno nearly jumped out of his seat.

“I can take it-” he said, much too eagerly, “If you don’t mind, that is.”

***

Giorno knocked on the door of Mista’s room, careful to avoid tapping the door four times, and waited, the tray digging uncomfortably into his side as he kept a hand on the door.

“Mista?” Giorno called out softly. He thought he could hear shuffling from the other side of the door, before a gruff, “Who the hell is it?” was said, muffled slightly by the door.

“It’s Giorno,” he answered, adding on, “I have food.”

Giorno could hear the Sex Pistols whining and begging from outside the room and he couldn’t help but chuckle. The stands must be starving by now.

Silence met him, and Giorno was about to call out to him again before he heard Mista’s voice, more aggressive than before spit out, “How many are there with you?”

“Just one. Just me,” he answered back, and Giorno stepped back a bit as he heard more shuffling come closer to the closed door. After a moment of more silence, the door finally cracked open and Giorno saw Mista’s face appear on the other side. Well, more like Mista’s left eye. Giorno couldn’t see the man’s full face, but his expression was far from welcoming.

“I’m not hungry,” Mista finally said.

“Miiiisstaaa~”  

“Feed us Miiissstaaa~”

“We’re dying, Mistaa~”

“We’re starving~”

“Hey! Shut up, will ya?” Mista barked, turning his head. Giorno took the opportunity to grab the water glass that was inches away from falling off the tray.

“I can just leave it outside if you-” Giorno’s offer was cut off as Mista’s door opened quickly and a swift hand pulled him into the room, shutting almost as fast as it had opened.

Giorno was surprised that the water still hadn’t spilled.

Mista had his back to the door as if he were making sure that no one else could break in. Once he was sure that they were “safe”, the man huffed and sunk to the ground across from Giorno, who had already situated himself there, carefully setting down the tray.

“Sorry,” Mista breathed out, folding his arms over his chest. The tray in front of him wasn’t anything fancy, but Giorno was sure that the pistols wouldn’t mind at this point.

“Eat up, guys,” Mista said, his voice thick with exhaustion. The bullets scampered over and tore apart the food that lay in front of them.

Carefully pushing the tray and Mista’s bullets to the corner of the room, Giorno finally got a good look at the state of his friend. His usual hat was on his head, but that was about it; Mista was still in his pajamas and a blanket was lazily draped over his shoulders. His back was pressed up against the door and dark bags were forming under his eyes.

It would be an understatement to call him a mess right now, and Giorno couldn't help but feel guilty; he knew what it was like.

Giorno picked up the glass of water still sitting on it and passed it to him.

“Bucciarati said you probably weren’t hungry, but he brought you this,” the blonde said, as if it were some kind of peace offering. Mista nodded tiredly and took a long sip of it, setting it down in front of him.

“Thirsty?” Giorno asked him. To his dismay, Mista shook his head.

“Nah, it’s not that. Just can’t sip it more than three times,” he choked out. Giorno only now noticed the slight tremor in his body as he spoke.

The blonde opted to say nothing, just grabbed a pillow that was already half-falling off of Mista’s bed and propped it under his head as he leaned back slightly. He was fortunate that Mista’s room still had carpeted floors.

The pair basked in silence. Mista stared at the ground and Giorno leaned back and stared at the ceiling. He noted a few things about Mista’s room; the window that was usually open was shut and a curtain was drawn over it. Mista had also turned his lights off, leaving the room in a comfortable blanket of darkness. Although sitting in the dark was pretty relaxing, it made Giorno worry.

Did Mista genuinely want to pretend that today didn’t exist?

Giorno didn’t know how long they sat there until Mista cleared his throat awkwardly from across the room.

“So I’m guessing the others probably told you?” Mista said quietly, breaking the silence.

Giorno didn’t know what to say but nodded. He thought back to the breakfast table, where Fugo joked that Mista would pretend that today wasn’t happening and when Narancia claimed that he would cry for the entire year of 2004.

It seemed amusing enough earlier, but now their “jokes” really weren’t that far off from the truth, which was a bit scary to think about.

“Yeah.”

“They were probably laughing about it. They always laugh,” quiet laughter bubbled up Mista’s throat, but he sounded anything but happy. Giorno felt a shiver up his spine. This entire situation felt uneasy to him.

“Its stupid, isn’t it?” Mista’s voice got louder with each word. In the darkness, Giorno could see his figure hunched over still against the door, “A fucking number. There’s not even a good reason for it, it's just-”

Mista’s loud voice faltered for a minute, and Gioro heard him sigh and recompose himself.

“-Stupid.”

Giorno knew Mista couldn’t see him in the dark, but he shook his head out of habit.

“I don’t think it’s stupid.”

“No, Giorno, you do think its stupid,” Mista growled back, “You don’t have to be so goddamn polite all the time, for fuck’s sake. Just tell me that it’s fucking stupid!”

The yelling had taken Giorno back a bit and he found himself flinching back by habit as he inhaled a sharp breath. Mista seemed to notice the response and dialed it back a bit, instantly regretting what he had said.

“Sorry,” he breathed out roughly, “I’m- fuck- I’m sorry, Giorno.”

“It’s alright,” the blonde replied, feeling the sudden panic disperse almost immediately when Mista spoke back to him. He didn’t deal well with angry outbursts, but he’d had his fair share of episodes that were hardly ever pretty. Right now, he was just worried about Mista.

“It’s not alright though,” Mista growled quietly, frustrated, “None of this is fucking normal and all of this is fucking stupid.”

He didn’t say anything after that, so Giorno opted to stay silent as well. There wasn’t really anything he could do to help him besides be there with him...unless he just wanted to be alone in the first place.

“Do you want me to leave?” Giorno asked quietly, prepared to get up from his comfy spot on the floor and worry about him from a distance.

“No,” he replied sharply, though it felt less like a demand and more like a plea. Giorno nodded to himself and his eyes trailed back up to the ceiling.

His eyes had mostly gotten used to the dark by now and he traced the cracks in the paint with his eyes, wondering if they should paint over them during their next day off.

Mista held his head in his hands from across the room, back still leaned up against the door. It was fucking humiliating acting this way in front of Giorno, but he couldn’t help it at this point. He couldn’t ignore it today, the stream of thoughts that pushed their way into his brain.

The thoughts that told him if he sipped his water four times Abbacchio would be lying on the ground covered in blood with a gaping hole in his stomach.

That if he knocked on the door four times Narancia would be impaled, blood dripping onto the ground as lifeless eyes stared back at him.

That if someone showed him four slices of cake, Bucciarati would collapse and someone would tell him that he had been a walking corpse for days.

That if he walked outside this fucking room right now, Giorno would get shot in the head and collapse beneath his feet and it would be his fault.

Everything would go wrong and it would be his fault. All because he knew that he should’ve stayed inside. All because he knew what would have happened but ignored it anyway.

He could feel a familiar tension in his chest as his skull throbbed from behind his eyes. He swallowed thickly and tried to blink those thoughts away, tried not to think about what lay outside this door.

He blinked back tears as they swarmed his vision. He pulled the blanket further over his head and instinctively clenched his fists.

Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t-

***

The silence was broken again as Giorno heard quiet whimpering from across the room, instantly recognizing the high-pitched sounds as Mista’s stand.

“Miiiistaa stop! You always tell us not to do that!”

“Miiisstaa~ stop acting like such a wuss!”

“Stop crying or you’ll make me cry too, Miiistaa~”  

“Number 5! You’re such a crybaby!”

Mista stiffened as Giorno abruptly sat up from his spot, eyes blinking to adjust to the darkness. He was hunched forward, the blanket over his head and blocking his face as the Sex Pistols scampered around him. Once they noticed him, they jumped, backing away towards the food plate again.

“Yikes! I forgot that Giorno was still here!”

“Pull it together, 5!”  

“Miissstaaa’s sad so I’m sad toooo~”

“Mista?” Giorno asked softly when he noticed that he wasn’t telling them off this time. Mista didn’t answer and the Sex Pistols grew silent, huddled back in the corner of the room.

“Mista,” Giorno said again, creeping closer to his friend, “Are you alright?”

A small sob was Mista’s answer and Giorno watched as the blanket fell off Mista’s shoulders, completely exposing him to the outside world.

“Fuck,” Mista choked out, desperately feeling around for the blanket as more tears blurred his vision. The Sex Pistols were muttering quietly in the corner and Giorno thought he could hear Narancia and Fugo fighting down the hall, but nothing could stop him from focusing on his friend.

“I’m going to put this back over you,” he said calmly,

He grabbed the blanket and draped it over the man’s shoulders again, feeling how much they were shaking when he did so.

Mista choked out a thank you and buried his face in his hands as more tears slipped down his face, dribbling onto his chin.

“Can I touch you?” the blonde asked. Mista sniffled and nodded slowly.

Giorno wasn’t really one for physical affection; he barely had anyone give it to him, and he was equally bad at giving it back to someone. He slipped next to Mista and let his gentle hands make their way to his back, rubbing small circles into it.

When he had woken up screaming just the third night of meeting the gang, Bucciarati had done the same for him.

“Can we--? Can we go up on the bed?” Mista asked, his voice breaking as he tried to speak between sobs. Giorno nodded and stood up, helping his friend up and led him across the room to the bed.

Once Mista had reached the foot of the bed, he collapsed into it, shoulders shaking. Giorno draped another blanket over him and sat on the edge of the bed, blinking in surprise when Mista asked him to join him under the covers.

Once Giorno was comfortably nestled under the covers, he felt Mista pry open his neatly folded arms and buried his face in his chest. Giorno wrapped his arms around the man and continued rubbing circles into his back, not stopping when he cried even harder.

Once the crying had mostly stopped, Mista raised his head and looked up at Giorno’s deep emerald eyes. Giorno brushed back a curl that had fallen out of his hat.

“Feel any better?”

“Not really,” he breathed out with a watery laugh. He felt another curl drop out of his hat and Giorno’s eyebrows quirked up with amusement.

“Do you want to take your hat off?” he asked. Mista shook his head and shuddered.

“No way, dude. That’d be like asking you to take your braid out.”

Laughter bubbled in Giorno’s chest and Mista felt warm. He could see the sunlight leaking out of the curtains from his bed and he let himself cuddle up closer to Giorno’s chest.

“Can you--” he started abruptly, “Can your stand heal my mind?”

He hoped his question wasn’t too stupid. Mista felt Giorno tense up as an airy laugh escaped him.

“Believe me, I’ve tried,” he said, resting his hand on the back of Mista’s neck. Mista looked up in surprise.

“Really?”

“How else was I supposed to experiment with Gold?” he shuddered at the memory of sitting in his room, begging his stand to make him better in some way, praying that his healing powers could also work internally.

“So...is there a specific reason why you don’t like it?” Giorno asked, quickly changing the subject. Mista inhaled sharply against his chest at the mention of it.

“Not really,” he said flatly. Giorno didn’t ask any more questions and he was thankful for it Giorno could tell that just the mention made him paranoid, and he opened his mouth to apologize, but found that Mista had beat him to it.

“I just wish that it wasn’t today,” he groaned in frustration, letting his gaze trail to the closed door. He could feel his mind starting to slow down as he nestled further into Giorno’s comforting warmth and he wanted nothing more than to stay there forever.

“It doesn’t have to be,” Giorno answered, pulling the covers over them, “We could just stay here.”

Mista sighed, already feeling exhaustion take him over. Maybe he could just stay here. He yawned.

“Sounds like a plan.”

Maybe today wouldn’t be as bad as he thought.

[supernoondles]

2019

The last day of 2019 was also the day I fainted for the first time--a fitting metaphor for the year.

2019 was overall very emotionally taxing. This year was emotionally defined by falling intensely, deeply in love with someone (who is a very private person so I will try to be vague to respect that) and being in a lot of pain because of situations mostly outside of our control. There were a lot of intensely joyous moments, and a lot of intensely sad ones. Throughout it all I wish I had communicated better. I also made some bad decisions with another person I really loved and cared about that resulted in us growing apart. Do I think I grew from the experiences? For sure. Do I wish I could have come upon these realizations through a different course of action? Also yes. Am I fully healed from the experiences? Not really, but I've been getting better.

2019 was also very bad in terms of research. It was the 2nd year of my PhD. After I submitted my rotation project I basically felt stuck in the swamp of my advisors rejecting new project ideas for like literally half a year. This, combined with my high emotional volatility (partially due to starting birth control), made me really sad, unmotivated, and susceptible to self-blame. I definitely had high expectations for myself and became frustrated at my lack of progress and felt a lot of pressure from myself to get my shit together. I also felt incredibly bad after most advisor meetings and not supported by one of them to the point where I had to have a conversation with him about the lack of support (which was very scary)! Things started picking up, though, near the end of the year. I published a paper in collaboration with a former post-doc/now professor elsewhere whom I learned a lot from, and started finally building out another system. I also started mentoring an undergrad who at some point told me I helped him feel like he had something important to say and belong at Stanford for the first time and those words meant a lot to me. I think I'm continuing to refine what I value as research contributions and increasingly think about what it means to build systems that aren't used outside of the lab to satisfy the annual conference publishing cycle. I'm also starting to feel the pressure of doing work that follows a narrative rather than random projects that interest me.

Oh, I guess in terms of "program requirements," I did finish taking required classes, passed qualifying exams, and got a master's degree. But honestly those weren't hard at all nor do I think are externally valued in the larger research community, so I don't really celebrate them as accomplishments beyond surface level.

In 2019 I saw two different therapists. The first one was awful, I think directly influenced some of my bad decisions, and also didn't respect my gender identity??? The second one is a lot better and I'm grateful to see her, even if 90% of our sessions are just talking about my relationship (romantic/advisor) issues, which is something I want to move away from in the future. But I also feel incredibly privileged when relationship issues are the primary stressors in my life--I am grateful I feel equipped to handle other crap, like deadlines, and don't have to worry about my own health.

Those were the main things that have colored this year. We'll now move into the section of this post where I go through my photos to jog my memory of other events.

New years started a tradition of getting dim sum with Jasper, Matthew, and Michelle dear to my heart. My high school friend was also visiting and we all attended a really awesome new year's eve party. I was also going on a lot of dates and having a lot of good sex, which made me really happy, and at the same time crying all the time at work. In February I received probably the best gift anyone has ever given me and saw Panic! at the Disco, which I said in an end of the year group meeting was a good memory of my year (it was, to relive my scene days!). In March I roadtripped both to Marin (which I had never to been before, despite all my years in the bay) and LA for Wondercon; it was nice to both see high school friends and go on a trip with the boo. In April I went on a hike with my office which was probably the start of us all becoming closer (we are the social office in the wing now, which I take pride in! Also we draw a lot of Pokemon which warms my heart). In May I went to CHI in Glasgow and then to Paris afterward, and the entire experience was very weird and bad and also too many flights were canceled and/or missed and I vowed to not return to Europe for a while, but man do I love the noodles at Trois Fois plus de Piment. In June we hosted a double apartment party with my downstairs neighbors (side note: I am really appreciative of the place I live in, for the community, convenience, and large-ass space and will be really sad to be kicked out fall 2020) and I started a friendship important to me. I cat-sat for my advisor (the one who doesn't make me feel bad) twice. I went to Redwood State Park with my family and hosted a summer solstice celebration. Over the summer a friend I met in Paris back in 2017 moved in with me. I had a much needed escape from the bay to Seattle where I was reminded how abundant the world can be. I also went to Tahoe to celebrate my parents' anniversary, and really liked stumbling upon a smaller lake with a cheap boat rental. Then I became FOMO about the highly competitive Bay Area camping and did a last minute walk-in at Redwood Basin in Santa Cruz, which made me realize that I don't actually love camping (but was nice nonetheless). I ate an expensive meal at Commonwealth before they closed. For my birthday we made a friendship quilt and I served my favorite dish of cumin lamb but it was also 90 degrees in my apartment (I felt really bad and bought two fans afterwards). I started buying many cartoon frog plush after being gifted a $3.99 on sale Safeway frog (called Baby!). I went on Tinder dates (one of which was at a quaker yard sale marketed as Harvest Festival where I got a 1970s Kermit puppet for like $2) that largely went nowhere. My high school friend visited and we were both sad about break ups. I did Inktober before I went to New Orleans for a conference on Bourbon St where everything felt like it was coated in a sticky film of alcohol. I almost missed my flight home because I fell asleep in a sculpture garden but I had the most amazing Uber driver who snaked his way through traffic (oh and the flight was delayed by like 3 hours). I went to kind of embarrassing haunted houses and pumpkin patches over Halloween, but also had the most incredible bowl of ramen at Mensho. My whole office dressed up as Zootopia characters which warmed my furry heart. I spent like $120 on a Pokemon shirt. I started playing Arkham Horror and rekindled another friendship important to me. In November went on a road trip to Big Sur because again, I had to escape it all. For Christmas Eve dinner I roasted a duck for the first time (which was delicious). Shortly after I waited in line for 2 hours for a rollercoaster at Great America, which taught me the value of buying a fast pass because at this point in my life that money is worth it, and then waited 2 hours in line at the DMV to get a RealID (I had made an appointment, which was the fast pass).

Okay, now we move to the hobby section!

I got really into sewing in 2019, having received a sewing machine last Christmas. I made a Judy Hopps (which I wore to CrunchyRoll Expo) and Korok cosplay (Fanime), several unsuccessful garments, a crab bean bag, a dice bag, a fanny pack, and put hearts nipples on a jumpsuit.

Shows! I think I went to way fewer shows this year. The ones I can remember are Elephant Gym, Thom Yorke the night before I had an 8am flight, Carly Rae Jepsen over pride weekend (also, she is my #1 artist of the year, which makes a lot of sense given my emotional space), Mitski at Stern Grove, Capitol Hill Bloc Party (which was super lame, except for Lizzo, where I cried), and the National (which was a fucking surreal experience as they played on Stanford's campus, I was the only one within earshot of myself who knew the words to Crybaby Geeks, and then the white catalog moms came up to me after to thank me for singing the song).

I also started playing my own music! I started playing viola again for the first time in 7 years (lol) in both pop-up concerts with the Awesome Orchestra (one in Golden Gate Park, one at the Exploratorium) and a string quartet through my school. Sometimes I am filled with joy and delight. Other times interpersonal tensions run high and also I am very bad at being in tune. It's life.

Media! I really liked Mob Psycho 100 Season 2 and Beastars. I feel like those were the only notable anime I watched this year? I saw the Farewell three times--first in Seattle where I sobbed for like 1 hour after the movie, the second time with my parents, and the third where Awkwafina was present for a Q&A. I thought Parasite was incredible and Promare was OK. I have spent an unfortunately large amount of my time playing Pokemon Masters. I finally beat BOTW and completed my Pokedex in Shield like 2 weeks after getting the game.

Resolutions! In my draft of my 2018 end of year post (which I never polished and posted, sorry), I said my resolutions were 1. come out to my parents 2. draw enough to table at an anime con 3. be disciplined about paper reading and have a doc. I did none of these things!!! However, for 1, I feel like I am well equipped to have this conversation but am waiting for my sibling to do it first out of respect. 2 was just bad. I barely drew this year except for gifts. 3 was okay--I did have a large doc in the beginning of the year when I was looking for ideas, but as time went on I abandoned it (I also stopped reading papers, which I don't think you're supposed to do as a grad student...)

My resolutions this year are phrased as intentions (-(c) Matthew). They span several categories. Relationships: I want to open myself to and actively seek experiences of love, because I miss that. That being said, I will only date someone if 1. they have their life together 2. they love themselves and 3. they challenge me to grow. (I do think you can experience love without dating; the thing I'm after is love in an expansive sense.) Work: I want to do enough work so I don't feel guilty about not doing enough work, and also not berate myself for taking a long time to do things. Hobbies: I want to sew at least one thing a month. Chinese: I want to improve my Chinese, especially pronunciation.

Having written this 20 days into 2020, it's not been so bad so far. But I was also really happy in the beginning of 2019. Here's to no global maxima, a monotonically increasing year!

[nosferatyou]

I was tagged by @lazingonsunday and @shes-outta-sight to do one of the long tag, get to know them, type of things. Which I absolutely love by the way. I don’t talk about myself much.

What was the last thing you read?

Well I was editing the latest chapter of my fic of that counts? If not some random josh one shot a couple hours ago lol.

Favorite Movie?

Man it’s ever revolving. It was Django Unchained for a long ass time, but now I think it’s Baby Driver.

Favorite Book?

Misery by Stephen King. I read it years ago and I have a lot of good memories tied to it. Me and my friend became closer through his works and this was the first one I read. It’ll stay close in my heart.

Dream Date?

It’s one I’ve been on before but just Vinyl Shopping. It’s simple and easy but music in a relationship is important to me. I gotta make sure they have good picks. But there is something so soft about it all.

Do you have a crush?

Sadly no. But I’m fully in Joshes lane rn if that means anything?

What are your hobbies?

Oof okay. I mostly draw like all hours of the day. But I very actively keep up with guitar and bass. I write as well. I make videos for my friends. I collect old and beat up vinyls. Lot of art stuff

Favorite time of day?

Night time. Like from hours 10-3. That’s my true alone time and it’s something I cherish and look forward to everyday.

If you could look like anything, what would you like to look like?

I don’t wish to change anything about my body. I think I’d be silly to. But man I wish I could actually afford clothes I’d like to wear. Real bellbottoms you know? I want that vintage shit.

Are you romantic?

In a secure relationship yes. I show too much emotion too fast in the beginning. But boy oh boy when I get romantic. I get very touchy feely. Man date ideas. Lot of carefully curated playlists.

Favorite type of weather?

That time in like August/September when I can wear jeans and maybe a light jacket. But it’s still warm, you know?

What do you like talking about?

Music. I talk about it all day long. The foundation behind it. The artist. I could discuss guitars and instruments with people all damn day. I just. I love everything about it. But also GVF is my hyperfixation rn and my friend is ready to shoot my head off if I speak another word about Jakes guitar playing.

What are your turn ons?

Ngl I’m akin to a boy with long hair. It’s my vice. I’ve only dated long haired musicians. But I just want someone who radiates some kind of light you know? I’ve seen too much darkness. I want someone genuine and real. Is it too much to ask for a positive person?

What are your turn offs?

I’ve dealt with a lot in my past. Basically anything that’s negative. Ignorance mostly. I don’t want someone who refuses to learn. It’s stupid. I just want honesty and someone with an open mind. Anything else is a no go.

If you got a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it?

Okay so. I really want tattoos. I designed something about a year ago I want really badly but it’s so expensive. Thinking rationally. Right now I’d really like some line art of bust. Idk what tho.

Do you have any pets?

3! 2 dogs, Ruby and Nellie, both too six year old mutts. Nellie is the weirdest god damn dog I’ve ever had. And ruby is basically a fox dog. And then there is Friday my cat. He can be a bitch boy but he’s a sweet boy who’s just being a cat. (I also have ten plants but most people don’t consider them pets)

Dream Job?

I’m still searching for that. Recently my heads been floating towards playing live shows as a guitar or bass player. But I’m no where near the point of even considering. I’m pretty shitty. But how Cool would it be to play that violin bow with my guitar on stage?

Dream place to live?

Not considering any potential jobs. I just want to live in a big log cabin somewhere on the outskirts of a town. Out in the wilderness and free to just live.

Dream vacation?

I’ve never been to Europe. I’d love to just road trip around in a van honestly. But before that visit my great grandfather grave in Scotland. He was a kings hand and did a lot back in the day. I’d be cool to see. But then I’d fuck around in Europe.

Do you have any piercings?

I’ve got my nose and ears pierced. I’m pretty happy with that

If you had kids what would you name them?

Man I don’t even want to think about that.

What are your best traits?

I’m a great listener. I’m extremely compassionate. Will do anything to help friends. And I feel like my music taste isn’t half bad.

Worst traits?

The compassionate thing tends to bite me in the ass. I’ve got a lot of emotions. I also have 20 things I want to do all at once all the time. I loose sleep because of it. There is more but I’d go on too long.

Worst fear?

Weirdly enough any type of natural disaster. When I was way too young I watched “The Impossible” and then shortly after learned about techtonic plates and I never forgotten about it or where they are.

What do you want to eat right now?

Brownies. And a fucking burrito.

Best vacation you’ve been on?

I went on a road trip to Chicago recently and I just makes so many good memories. I saw ninja sex party’s 10th anniversary, which was fantastic. But I got to visit a friend all weekend. But my favorite part was the ride back. The whole time we just talked but also sang to old 50s songs and just had this moment of unity. I still think about it

Favorite City?

I haven’t been to too many places yet so I’m gonna go with my hometown, Nashville. If you look past all the tourists. It’s got a very rich musical history and in certain places you just feel it. I loved living there and it made me who I was.

Favorite social media platform?

Tumblr. It’s really the only one I ever check anymore. Plus I’ve made some great friends on here.

Favorite article of clothing?

My fucking bellbottoms. I wear them whenever I can. They give me so much confidence.

Do you play any sports?

Fuck no. I have no coordination whatsoever.

Favorite meal of the day?

Lunch. You have a lot more options. Plus I just like the vibe

What are you excited for?

Starting the tenth I have a lot of good things coming my way. In that week I get to finally end this semester, the new Harry styles album releases, I get a new bass, and I get to see fucking Greta Van Fleet. None of you know how excited I am for that. Pit tickets. Jesus it’ll be good.

Not excited for?

Finals. And an um.. upcoming funeral.

When was the last time you cried?

I honestly can’t remeber and that really scares me.

Dream house?

I basically answered this earlier but gimme that big ass log cabin.

Something you hate about this world?

Don’t get my started. I hate that everyone hates themselves all the time when they have no reason to. I hate that 8 people have most of the worlds money and are doing nothing to help global warming. I hate the man that’s in power and what he’s helped cause. I hate everyone who refuses to accept literally any fact. I hate that my future is bleak because of some old ass white men.

Something you love about this world?

I love the light that radiates off of certain people. I love that our generation has hope and that some people are actually trying to make change. I love the raw creativity I see in others and I love that we are bringing back the resurgence of peace and love.

What scents do you like?

Old records and books. Its the simple pleasures.

What kind of sleeper are you?

Typically heavy but sometimes I Sleep so little it feels like I got nothing at all.

Cat or dog person?

Don’t make me pick! I grew up with both, and very partial to both.

How long would you survive in a zombie Apocolypse?

I wish I could tell you. I’d like to think I’d live awhile but I would probably be the ones who look like they have hope and then accidentally get taken out.

Are you trusting?

I used to be. I realized recently how thick my walls really are.

What fictional character do you identify with?

Sorry to be boring but nothing is coming to mind. But then again I never felt akin to anyone really?

What labels do you commonly get?

In high school I was called “the quiet one” if that tells you anything.

What song would be your life anthem?

Sunshine on my shoulders by John Denver is the only one coming to mind. I think I just want the feeling it gives me to be what I feel all the time.

What issues are you dealing with right now?

Two friends in the last month Um. Took their own lives. One being an old friend. I’ve never dealt with death. My brain doesn’t know how to handle it. I also think I might have ADD. But. That’s the tip of the iceberg rn

How can someone win you over?

Typically I’m drawn to people who are the loudest in the room. I like that their confident and can speak their minds but what wins me over about them is when they really open up. When I learn about the real then rather than the face that they put on. Most of the time it goes that way.

What’s something people don’t know about you?

I’m making a short film with some friends who go to Columbia. Should be out soonish.

I tag

@pvre-mourning @peacelovekiszka @fretavangleet @aint-no-denying @sosozoso