#sorry just had to put those lyrics as the caption it reminds me of them too much

[wacky-wonders]

They say all good things have an end,

So will it be heartbreak or death?

Maybe we can last beyond all time,

My hand in yours,

And your hand in mine.

[6okuto]

did you ever happen to finish those akaashi bf hcs 👉👈

— akaashi relationship hcs

note from nia: YES. copy pasting this from my notes BFSJFB mini LL break time for keiji my beloved <3 (LL gang ur getting rime hcs today i pinky promise)

he is sooo. [perfect man] [angel] [beautiful romantic music]

he asks what you did today instead of how your day was because he knows it's easier and wants to hear every detail

he takes note of your interests and offhand comments of things you want so he can surprise you

he's so good at that tikotok couple gift challenge where you need to buy something that fits the prompts. so nonchalant about it smh

he'll quietly drop off some cut up fruits and a drink while you're working, kissing your forehead before leaving

he has a private playlist filled with songs that remind him of you and your relationship. he's flustered when you first find out but it works out when you make a collaborative playlist for both of you to have

he really appreciates how he can be open and comfortable around you. his laughs are louder and sometimes he'll even snort at an unexpected joke (he's embarrassed at first until you do it too </3)

he writes little notes and doodles for you to keep or put on your wall

i think people forget keiji is completely capable of being a Menace. one time he hit you with a pillow because you weren't waking up. when you shot up and asked "did you just hit me with a fucking pillow?" all he said was "what pillow?" as if he wasn't holding it

he offers to text or vc whenever it's late and you can't fall asleep. he'll tell a story or quietly hum a song

if you have something on your face he'll turn you towards him and gently wipe it off

he lets you put makeup and nail polish on him as long as it isn't too bright

sometimes he'll text you during his break at practice or work

he sends a photo captioned "save me" even though you cannot, in fact, save him

he's very cute & fun when you try to do a text prank on him because sometimes he's confused but he's Got the spirit!

you start sending song lyrics and he's like ?? but then realizes they're lyrics and sends the next lines and asks "did i do it right is this what you wanted"

he likes studying with you whether you're quizzing each other or just body doubling. you both make sure you aren't overworking (or goofing off)

he's really good at explaining things + he's very patient :[ if you don't understand his explanation he'll try wording it differently and showing more examples

he doesn't accept any bad self-talk . if you say anything along the lines of "i can't do this" or "i'm too dumb for this" he tuts and makes you look at him

kisses you on your forehead and promises that he'll keep helping and that you'll be alright

(you can ask for extra kisses and he'll jokingly call you needy before agreeing. forehead again, cheeks, nose, mouth. same order every time)

so grateful whenever you bring him his regular coffee order (if he hasn't already bought it plus your own drink)

he never fails to take you out on a date after exam season is over

yes yes cafe dates, museum visits, picnics at the park. why is no one taking this guy to a butterfly conservatory or pottery date. why are you not bringing him to a bookstore to pick out books and annotate and read together. why are you not staying in and attempting to cook or bake together....come on

you guys bought a cute plushie on a date and named it and now it's your child. sorry

the first time you held hands he was so !!!!!! oh my god he was nervous about his hand being sweaty and whenever you had to let go he'd aggressively wipe it on his pants just in case

now it's a normal thing you do and his heart still flutter a little but at least it isn't as bad

he wanted to get you flowers for your first date but started overthinking about if it was too basic, if you'd want to take care of them, etc.

he settles on your favourite snack and a necklace instead

genuinely so relieved when you put the necklace on and very happy when he sees you wearing it days after

makes sure you get inside before leaving, waves to you through your window with a smile

he overthinks and gets stressed sometimes. he tries his best to stop bottling it up and often comes to you first for comfort

he likes to play with your fingers and asks you to brush through his hair with your free hand

if he sees you in bed he comes in beside you and nuzzles his face into your neck

when you ask if he's alright he hums, "just needed to be with you for a while." oh i love u sir

he loves sleeping with his head laying on your chest or yours on his

will happily be big or small spoon

if you have pets they like him better than you. i'm sorry we lose

if you want him to meet your family, he gets all nervous but they end up loving him (who doesn't love akaashi keiji i'm srs)

took you stargazing once and when he saw a shooting star he wished he'd be able to stay with you and make you happy

arguments very rarely if ever happen. if they do happen they're resolved quickly because they'd probably revolve around taking care of yourselves better, anxieties, etc.

prints photos he's taken of you and the two of you together and puts them on the wall above his desk to look at

he invites you to watch his games and smiles and waves when he spots you

the team (bokuto) teases him and he blushes a little but then tells them it isn't his fault they aren't also in a relationship (Rip)

living with akaashi and him coming home and never failing to find you and say "hi love" before anything else oughghfhh

[hhjs]

the art of losing isn't hard to master. (though it may look; like disaster).

pairing. ⤳ bang chan x reader.

genre. ⤳ angst.

alternatively. ⤳ a mystery trope. :3

word count ⤳ 2.07k

note ⤳ sorry for the long title hah. this is inspired by jaurim's song 'twenty five, twenty one.' and the title is a quotation from elizabeth bishop's poem 'one art'.

"I don’t want to see you again."

Chan knows you don't mean it, not even one bit. From the way the sentence comes out all shaky, the way you're pretending to stare off into space in sudden contemplation when really you just didn't want him to see you tear up.

But it still hurts.

It hurts so much that he almost regrets breaking up with you, finds himself wanting to take the words back as swiftly as he'd uttered them in the intimate setting of your favourite café.

Almost. If he says something now, he can taken it all back. Just one word. An explanation. And he can gone back to basking in the warmth of your affection in that selfish manner that he always did.

He doesn't, though, he can't.

Not when he was starting to notice just how absorbed you were becoming with your relationship, minimising your own priorities to make sure the bond lasted, giving up applying to your dream college because it meant you'd be moving away from him.

Sure, it sounded like some heroic bullshit sacrifice in his head, like something infuriating drama protagonists do - but there was not a speck of doubt in him pertaining to the department of seeing you happy.

Even if it had come to this.

Even if losing you was the expense he had to incur to get you to love yourself more than you loved him.

Chan, however, doesn't tell you that. Knowing how stubborn you are, you'll certainly not let go without a fight.

It's easier this way, he thinks, if instead he says he can't do it anymore - and lets you believe it.

"Okay." He says, finally finding his voice and these words, he really means it, "Anything for you."

...

It's the sheer irony that baffles him.

There was a time when Minho used to mock Chan about keeping blind faith in settling down with you, pointing out that, even if it was through harmless banter, it was an absurd thing to want out of a highschool sweetheart.

And the former is also the first one to stop beating about the bush, to tell it as it is, "You're a fucking asshole." Minho says, plopping down beside him. He sounds more disappointed than angry.

A movie plays on before the pair and Minho wastes no time in stuffing his face with popcorn, flaunting that he had no intention of explaining his comment, as if it is just that obvious.

Chan remains silent, baffled by the fact that this the first time he's on the receiving end. He usually acts as the one who dishes out words of wisdom and scoldings when necessary.

When he heard you were going away for college just the next morning, he was both ecstatic and horrified. Ecstatic because things were going according to plan. Horrified because that meant he wouldn't be seeing you at all, even if chancing upon you had grown obviously less frequent than it had been when you were together. It meant he wouldn't find you lounging absently at a local café while your eye brows furrowed, fixated on a particular page, it meant that there would be no accidental brushing of shoulders when you'd end up going to Jisung's parties, it would mean completely falling off of your radar.

However, Minho's outburst acted as a vague consolation, albeit he understood it was wrong, it indicated that you weren't doing well either, it indicated that you missed him like he missed you, it meant that you still loved him.

The idea of forever and always had been embedded in his ideology too deeply to apply reason.

He is always going to love you, you are always going to love him. He knows that much. He believes that much.

That alone is enough. That has always been enough.

...

It's too early in the morning and he is positive that this is an abysmal decision.

But the little care he had for rationality, always in your department was not new.

You push a suit case out of the door, there is an Uber waiting, the sound of rain hitting pavement is at such great volume that he can hardly hear his rapid footsteps.

When you crane your neck his direction, Chan stops walking further, but he is too near to go unnoticed.

"W-What are you doing here?" The question comes from you. He notes that you almost sound...hopeful. Like you would go right back in and snuggle into the comfort of your covers if he asked, like you'd forgive him if he asked, like you'd love him despite the distance that'd keep you apart if he asked.

Chan doesn't ask.

"I just... wanted to see you off." He lies, it's taking a whole lot of self restraint to not go up to you to engulf you in his bone crushing hugs, to uproot you off of the security of your toes. He only seems to stare, feigning nonchalance.

The I'm sorry, the truth, sits atop the tip of his tongue and he inwardly promises that he'll tell you someday.

...

Chan doesn't, of course, anticipate this.

When he finally conjures up the courage to send you a follow request after bashfully asking for your username and twiddling his thumbs over your Instagram icon, the acceptance and follow back request notifications almost reduces him to a giddy child who was allowed to watch cartoons way past their bedtime. The unanticipated pleasure that comes with getting something you had no expectations whatsoever of getting.

What is more shocking, he notes, is just how much your life has changed;

or at least, seems to have changed.

There are endless photos, shots of bright neon tones of a typical college party where you're holding up a solo cup to the air and grinning big enough that your eyes are closed, Chan smiles at this.

His enjoyment is, although, quite transient when another pop up in his notification bar reminds him that you've made your most recent post just a few seconds prior.

Curiously, Chan scrolls upwards, careful not to accidentally like any old photos.

This picture is different, the premise is a concert of some sort, he can tell from the banners, the condensed congregations of people around you, mouths awkwardly paused in uttering lyrics - the disturbing part, is the long, bleached blonde stranger behind you, his gangly arms looped over your chest, your back pressed against his front, while his chin is propped up onto the gap between your neck and shoulder. There is no caption.

You look the happiest here. He knows this. The familiar childish glow of your face whenever he'd crack a dumb pun was etched vividly into his memory.

Uncharacteristically, Chan finds himself putting down the phone on the table so Jisung would notice and elaborate without him asking.

And his endeavour is satisfied, "Oh, that's Hyunjin." Jisung explains, before rolling his eyes when Chan kept looking at him to say more, "They're just friends."

It’s only when Chan lets his breath go, does he realise that he was holding it all along.

...

"Long time, eh?" You smile at him, it's an easy, carefree smile, not the tight lipped ones you'd shoot his way weeks after the breakup. That elicits a weird feeling in Chan, he wants to understand why, know what brought this change.

Were you just that happy to see him? Did you remember that your first date was also on a New Year's Day, just like today? Or was he just lingering in the past, all alone?

Even though Hyunjin's invitation to the party was a nuisance, his delayed presence sparked a hopeful event for Chan, now that you were home for the holidays, he needed a proper chance to finally tell you all that he was holding back and do anything, everything to make up for it.

He imagined all the stories from those photos on your feed, musing over your brief conversations through DMs but back in his room, with a blanket pulled to your chin, while he threw a free leg around your waist.

Chan nods slowly, rummaging through the snack shelves. "Yeah. I can't believe it's been a year already." He prepares a mental conversation in his head as he finally secures a bag of Lays.

You smile slowly, looking down at your chipped nails, "Me neither."

In the living room, a loud pop song is playing, the two of you divorced from everyone, a countdown almost commencing.

From behind the kitchen counter, Chan opens his mouth to ask you about something but can't remember what, the last ten seconds rolling to ten, nine, eight, seven -

"I've been looking everywhere for you." A foreign voice comes but the stranger, on the contrary, is not unrecognisable.

His hair is the same long blonde, he's tall, his eyes are hooded but bright with kiddish excitement, his mouth naturally pouted. And when he says this sentence to you, your face, almost immediately, lights up.

The dramatic exclamation is exaggerated with sets of long flailing arms, Chan wants to roll his eyes at the cheesiness, had it not made you laugh.

You only get to turn your body partially before Hyunjin walks over to your position, he cups your face with one hand and the other traverses to the curve of your waist, pulling you flush against him. It's as if you've completely forgotten about him, as if you're the only two people in the world and Chan, a wistful member of the audience merely permitted to have the luxury to watch.

It is then that Chan realises that Jisung was definitely misinformed. Friends don't do this, friends don't look at each other like this. six, five, four, (But he can't look away, can't look away because he has to face the music, bite the bullet, to accept it for what it is. The spectacle is only but a morbid reminder of how taking people for granted always proves to be fruitless.)

Three, two, one,

"Happy New Year." Hyunjin's mouth moves with brief soundless words, he looks like the happiest man in the world and there's not a doubt he is, with you...

And when he kisses you like that, it's anything but perfect, he keeps grinning against your mouth like he can't believe this is happening. 

The lonesome spectator senses himself thinking that you've never looked a fraction of happy with him as you do with Hyunjin.

Every sound falls back into muteness, all but the ringing in Chan's ears. Every planned syllable deems his tongue to a limping, incoherent mess. He bites it down.

All Chan understands is -

there is no going back from this.

..."You know I never told you." You hold up your fingers to his face, there's a giant indent of a wedding ring against the skin. The ornament catches light and glints.

Chan hums, finding that he was just as enamoured with your smile. After all this time. "Told me what?" He asks, eyes flitting behind your head to see Hyunjin picking out your favourite drink in a memorised fashion, a matching accessory banded around his finger as he points to a menu displayed above. It's only a matter of minutes.

You giggle, as though it's the silliest thing in entire the universe, the equivalent of admitting you used to believe you'd grow a tree inside your tummy if you swallowed apple seeds, "This is going to sound stupid."

You look downright embarrassed when you press your palms against your face and gaze at him through the gaps of your fingers, then rest them back on the table, "Don't get me wrong..like, of course it hurt, at first. And I was so angry at you..." you chuckle, embarrassed, " But if we never broke up, I can't imagine where I'd be right now...if it wasn't for you I don't think I'd be the person I am today." You explain lightheartedly, it's time and familiarity that makes bringing this topic up so easy. Like it means nothing at all. "So I guess I just wanted to say...thanks?"

Chan smiles, a genuine smile,  even if it has a melancholic quality to it, all he ever wanted...really was for you to be happy. And you are. Most certainly.

 So he doesn't tell you more, doesn't tell you about almosts and rain hitting pavements and forever and always.

But he reaches out and pats your knuckles and says - because he means it the same still, "Anything for you."

[breanime]

Heartworm (Part One)

Guess who got her internet baaccccck! This gal! So @songtoyou sent me this request and I IMMEDIATELY started getting ideas. This could be up to or past 5 parts, I don’t even know! It all depends if you guys like it and want more! This is kind of a soft re-imagining of season 2.

Request:  How about instead of Billy going to his stupid psychiatrists place to seek refuge, he goes to the home of a girl who he was in a serious relationship with. Like, this girl is the only person Billy could ever see himself settling down with. However, once he got money, status, and power from Rawlins he pushed her to the side and eventually dropped her from his life. But once she sees the state Billy is in and how sad, scared and alone he is she wants to help him.

Part One is based on Halsey’s Without Me, particularly these lyrics:  

Found you when your heart was broke I filled your cup until it overflowed Took it so far to keep you close (Keep you close) I was afraid to leave you on your own

I said I'd catch you if you fall And if they laugh, then fuck 'em all (All) And then I got you off your knees Put you right back on your feet Just so you can take advantage of me

*gif not mine* (I gotta stop using this gif lol)

You stood frozen in your living room, eyes glued on the TV. The news was saying that Billy, your Billy, was a murderous traitor and a danger to society. You watched as they showed footage of Billy’s apartment up in flames. They said he bombed it himself after killing a handful of Homeland Security agents, they also said that he hired mercenaries for his Anvil staff. The government seized his assets. He shot Curtis in the shoulder. He knew about Frank’s family. He set them up to be killed. Billy. Your Billy.

Except he wasn’t your Billy anymore; he hadn’t been your Billy for three years. You sat down on the couch, legs numb with shock, as you took in what the newscaster was saying about your ex-boyfriend, the only man you’ve ever loved. They flashed a picture of him on the screen. The caption read: “Armed and Dangerous, Do Not Approach”. The newscaster was saying something about Homeland and Frank going after Billy, but it was all starting to sound like white noise to you. Your mind said to get out of town and run until it was all over, but your heart wanted to reminisce, wanted to remind you why you even cared in the first place.

“…and I’m gonna have a Rolls Royce,” Billy said, one arm behind his head and the other wrapped around your waist, “I’m gonna drive it to meetings, rich assholes love a power play.”

You smiled up at Billy, you loved listening to his grand plans for the future. “Are you gonna be a pocket square kind of rich asshole or a ‘Maureen, hold my calls’ kind of rich asshole?”

“Mm,” Billy pulled you closer to his naked chest, “I’m gonna be a pocket square kind of asshole,” he answered, “that’s the best way to run a business.”

“Of course,” you agreed, snuggling up against him, “you’re gonna be a big shot. And I’m gonna have to make an appointment with Maureen just to see you.”

Billy tsked and put a finger on your chin, lifting your face so you were eye-to-eye. “That ain’t never gonna happen,” his dark eyes bore into yours, “I’ll always have time for you.”

You smiled and pressed your lips against his. You felt Billy’s arms tighten around you, lifting you up until you were laying on top of him. You kissed him again, slowly parting your lips, inviting his tongue into your waiting mouth. His eyes were heavy-lidded with lust when you pulled back. You rubbed your nose against his. “I love you.”

His smile made your chest heave with adoration. “I love you too, Y/N.” He kissed you again. “I promise I’m gonna make you proud one day, baby. I’m gonna get us outta this shit hole and out you somewhere nice, where you belong.”

You shrugged. Money and status meant a lot to Billy, meant success, but you were happy enough where you were. Yeah, your apartment was kind of small, and yeah, the heat stopped working every few months, but you’d lived in worst places. Besides, you had Billy. He made you so unbelievably happy; you could have lived in a cave—as long as Billy was with you, you’d be fine. “You know I’m already proud of you,” you told him, “You’ve accomplished so much already.”

“Mm,” Billy kissed the top of your head, “I can do more.” He kissed your nose. “I’m gonna get this security shit together.” He kissed your right eyelid. “I’m gonna get us a place uptown.” He kissed your left eyelid. “And I’m gonna make it so you don’t ever have to work again.” You sighed as he kissed your cheek next. “I ain’t gonna let anyone look down on us anymore.” He kissed your other cheek. “I’m gonna make you so happy, baby.” You felt yourself melt when he finally kissed you on the lips. “I’m gonna take care of us…

…I’m gonna take care of you.”

You turned the TV off, cradling the remote to your chest. You felt your breath getting shallower and casually recognized your erratic heartbeat. You didn’t know what to do. You believed the news—you weren’t sure about the details, but you knew Billy well enough to know that he would do anything for power. You had seen the change that money bought him firsthand, and you didn’t like it at all. You thought about calling Curtis, but you didn’t want to bother him. He was probably up to his neck in cops and paperwork and…Homeland Security, apparently. You wondered how it came to this. Frank was alive. Billy was a wanted man. Curtis was wounded. And you…were alone.

You spent the night on the couch, too numb and confused to get up. You dreamt of Billy and woke up shivering. You got up and made yourself a cup of coffee. Your phone was on the counter, and you frowned as you picked it up. You had missed calls from your mom, your best friend, your boss, and your sister. You had no desire to speak to any of them. You also had a call and voicemail message from an unknown number. Hitting the speaker button, you played the message.

“You’re gonna hear some things on the news.” Billy. “They’re true. I…I did all those things they say I have. By the time you get this message, I’m either gonna be on the run or dead.” It sounded like he took a breath before continuing. “I wanted to see you before I go, but…that’s not gonna happen. So just… Just know that I…” A sigh. “…I think about you all the time. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, a lot of bad choices, done a lot of shitty things, but… I only regret one thing: letting you go. I wish… I should have fought for you more. I should have…” There was some shuffling, and you thought Billy might have put the phone down for a moment. “Listen, they’re gonna say a lot of things about me, and people are gonna try to tell you that I’m heartless and evil, but I want you to remember…You loved me once. You’re the only one I could ever be honest with, the only person in this world who knows who I am. Just… Remember that. And… I’m sorry, Y/N. Goodbye.”

You stood in your kitchen and listened to Billy’s message for at least another 30 minutes. By the time you went back to the couch and turned the TV on, Billy was pronounced near-death and was being kept under constant surveillance at the hospital. Frank Castle was said to be ‘in the wind’ and Anvil was being torn down and all the profits split up. The news interviewed a medical professional about the chances of Billy making any kind of recovery. They predicted he would be dead in six months.

You turned the TV off and wept.

It had been nearly a year since everything went down with Billy. The coverage for Billy’s case had pretty much stopped after a month, and people were onto the next scandal now. Curtis had stopped by your place and told you that Frank left town. The visit had been brief, but he told you what Billy had done—confirming what you’d heard on the news—and said that his orders had come from someone named Rawlins. Rawlins, you understood, was dead. Curtis had word from Frank to tell you that he had been given a new identity by the government and was going to hit the road for a while. When you asked why he’d want you to know that, Curtis had just said: “you needed to know it was over”. You should have felt anger, or pity or sadness but… you felt nothing. You had been operating on auto-pilot, swimming in a thick fog of numbness, since Billy had been arrested. The last thing you could remember feeling, really feeling, was a deep and intense sorrow when you listened to Billy’s message. He had broken your heart, left you, and then revealed himself to be a monster and you…You were just tired.

“I don’t know what you want me to say Y/N,” Billy’s back was to you. You had barged into his office at Anvil, demanding to see him, but now that you were there… The way he was talking to you was cold and detached. His stance was rigid, his focus was on the recruits below him, not on you. This Billy—CEO Billy—was not what you had signed up for.

“I want you to say you’re sorry,” you said, “I want you to say you care.” Billy didn’t say anything. You clenched your fists. “Look at me, Billy.”

He turned. He was wearing an expensive three-piece suit and his hair was impeccably cut. His eyes, the eyes you loved, the eyes that looked at you with such care and affection, were hollow.

“What happened to you?” You asked, looking him up and down with disgust. “You never come home, you barely spend any time with me—”

“What do you want, Y/N?” He said, irritation clear in his voice. “I’m busy. I’m working. I’m trying to afford the penthouse we live in and the car you drive.”

“I bought my own car,” you reminded him, eyes narrowed as you glared at him, “And I work, too, but I make time for the people I love.”

Billy sighed, rolling his shoulders. “I told you, you don’t have to work.”

You sighed then. He was missing the point. “Billy,” you tried again, “I’m tired of this. I can’t keep being an afterthought for you. I need you.” You tried to look in his eyes, but he avoided your gaze. “I miss you.”

Billy walked over to you and put a hand on your waist. He pulled you towards him and kissed you. “I miss you, too,” his voice was husky as he moved his lips to your neck, “I know I’ve been working a lot lately, but we’re so close…”

You closed your eyes. You wanted to have a conversation, but it was hard to think of words—let alone form any—with his mouth on your skin. “Will you come home tonight?” You asked, breath short and voice heavy with lust.

“Mm hmm,” his hand slid to your ass as he kissed you again, “I’m gonna be all yours tonight.” He licked into your mouth and smiled when you moaned.

You felt his hardness pressing against your front and you deepened the kiss. “I don’t know if I can wait that long,” you whispered.

Billy chuckled and released you from his grip. You glared as you watched him walk over to his desk. He pressed a button on his phone and leaned over to speak. “Hold all my calls,” he ordered, smirking over at you, “I don’t want any calls or interruptions for the next hour.” He walked past you and you heard him lock the door behind you. His eyes were gleaming when he turned back to you and he looked like himself, like your Billy, again. His smile made your heart skip a beat. “Take your clothes off, baby. I want to spend some time with you.”

You sat up with a start. It had been months since you’d last dreamt of Billy. You looked around you and cursed under your breath. You had fallen asleep on the couch. No wonder you were off. You hadn’t been able to have a full night’s rest without sleep aids since…since Billy had left that message on your phone. If you didn’t take a pill before you went to bed, you would dream about Billy. You didn’t want to dream about him, you wanted to ignore the ache in your chest and the emptiness in your life and just… Get over it. Get over him. You felt a headache coming on, so you shuffled to the bathroom for a quick shower before bed.

Your mind kept going back to Billy as you got ready for bed; you remembered the strain in his voice in the message he left you, how he used to laugh when you stuck your cold feet on his back, the way he stared down at you as he shifted inside you, driving you wild. You could see his eyes, dark and expressive and so full of love when he looked at you, every time you closed your eyes. You gave up on sleep and went back to the couch, deciding to just spend the night watching horrible night time TV until you could get Billy out of your head.

You were finally getting into the Real Housewives marathon you had been watching when you heard a knock on your door. You glanced at your phone: it was 11 pm. Who the hell would be at your door at this time? You grabbed your phone in case you needed to call the police and stood on your tip-toes to look into the peephole. Your mouth fell open at the same time your phone hit the floor with a dull thump.

Billy Russo was standing in the hallway of your apartment. And he was covered in blood.

*************************************************************************************

I have the next two parts locked and loaded! Pleaaase comment and let me know if you want the rest. The more feedback I get, the more I update! Thanks for reading, and may Billian be with you.

BTW, I got the title from this “emotion that’s hard to describe word”:  Heartworm: a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

TAGLIST: @delicatelilyflower @doneobrien @ladyblablabla @banditthewriter @something-tofightfor  @starsfragments @blackcoffeeandgreenteaforme @hisgirlwednesdayaddams@fictionwillneverdie @maria-beretta @sadnessxvodka @ymariejp @sunnycolors @moonlightsay @its-all-o-kay @damagelove @keyeluh @itsmylife98 @funerals-with-cake @littlemermaidprobz @teacuplotus @king4thesirens @mrsjaxtellerfan @thebabblingbook @tartelette-aux-fraises @madamrogers  @charlylama @iaintnofurry​ @k-buggz2001​ @whitewolfslittlesilverfox @drinix @elanor-of-imladris @floralpeaceofmind

[fortyflightower]

artist ask babey!!😌🤙 the smiths, charli xcx, LANA DEL REY. i could do more. we shall see

CAITLYN YOU MADE THIS SO HARD FOR ME.... thank u but also i hate you 😤 sorry this is so long i just have a lot of thoughts and i don’t know how to shut up. i told you this was going to be a novel and here it is. writers doing nanowrimo wish they were me.

THE SMITHS.... one time i mentioned that i listened to them to one of my art teachers & he asked me what my favorite songs by them were & i completely blanked. it still haunts me to this day but i’m stronger now and i will not make that mistake again

1. back to the old house

this song has everything. the depression. the softness the yearning. ALSO these lyrics...

and you never knew / how much I really liked you / because I never even told you

2. the headmaster ritual

this is the song i listen to when i’m depressed, angry, and considering dropping out of school.

i want to go home / i don't want to stay / give up education / as a bad mistake

belligerent ghouls / run manchester schools / spineless bastards all

this line makes me think of my vid prod teacher 😊😤

3. still ill

had to stop myself from copy pasting all of the lyrics from this one. i also have it on my adam playlist SO.

england is mine, it owes me a living / but ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye

what can i say... i just like the rage and entitlement of this

but we cannot cling to the old dreams anymore / no, we cannot cling to those dreams

no thoughts head empty. i think i like it because it reminds me of that line from ribs by lorde.

does the body rule the mind / or does the mind rule the body? / i dunno

this is so adam core. will not explain any further

4. this charming man

BASIC I KNOW but it was the first song i ever listened to by them (i found it on a gansey playlist on 8tracks back in middle school😔🤟) don’t have any favorite lyrics from this one but the opening is ICONIC.

5. well i wonder

this one.... is SO emo but that’s okay... also the way he sings these lyrics... TOO MUCH 4 me

gasping - dying - but somehow still alive / this is the final stand of all I am / please keep me in mind

honorable mentions are there is a light that never goes out, the boy with the thorn in his side, never had no one ever, cemetery gates, and I WANT THE ONE I CANT HAVE because i’m THAT indecisive

miss Charli XCX... i’m going to be real i don’t listen to her much but when i do i am DOWN TO CLOWN.

1. vroom vroom

i have a playlist called “music to get into a car crash to” and this is the only song on it.

lavender lamborghini, roll up in a blue bikini /bitches on the beaches, lookin' super cute and freaky

Ugh the vibes of this 😩 wish my friends and i could pull this look off

bitches know they can't catch me / (vroom vroom) cute, sexy and my ride's sporty

used this for as a caption for that one tdt drawing i did & i have no regrets. this really embodies the vibes of any scene where ronan & kavinsky are racing.

beep beep, so let's ride

i just think the sound effects are funny

bubblegum-pink ferrari, yeah, I'm so bossy

these are the vibes i would like to embody but never will. also i think barbie & elle woods gave me a primal respect and desire for a pink car.

2. dreamer

nothing to say abt this one except that all i can think abt when i listen to it is that one maggie steifvater copying charli xcx meme. also it’s an absolute banger and one of the songs i blast when i’m going unhinged but in a sexy thot type of way

3. boom clap

this song changed my life when i first heard it on the tfios soundtrack. not that deep but does music have to be? no.

first kiss just like a drug /under your influence / you take me over you're the magic in my veins/ this must be love

boom clap / the sound of my heart / the beat goes on and on and on and on and

HER MIND WHEN SHE WROTE THIS... pop music peaked with this song

LANA. i like listening 2 her music in the winter because the summer depression vibes cancel out seasonal depression like pemdas. she was litchrally my spotify artist of the decade which is so baffling because i don’t feel like i listen to her that much. ALSO every few months i get sucked into a hole of watching concert vids on instagram & it ruins my life.

1. salvatore

the vocals in this... she truly has the range.

I adore you, can't you see, you're meant for me?

catch me if you can / working on my tan / salvatore / dying by the hand / of a foreign man / happily / calling out my name / in the summer rain / ciao amore /salvatore can wait / now it's time to eat / soft ice cream

all of her ooohing and aaahing is great but THIS PART is so sexy. also i almost made a post comparing “dying by the hand of a foreign man happily” & “the choice was death or hurting adam which wasn’t much of a choice at all” but i figured it was too much

2. video games

basic but it’s a classic. also the radical face cover re-ignited my love for this song.

i say you the bestest / lean in for a big kiss put his favorite perfume on / go play your video game

there’s a video of her singing this live where she’s on a swing and she waves her hand when she says “go play your video game” and i think about it every single day

he holds me in his big arms / drunk and i am seeing stars / this is all i think of

this part makes me want to be held 😪

it's you, it's you, it's all for you / everything i do / i tell you all the time / heaven is a place on earth with you

honestly so romantic. what else can i say

3. off to the races

this is my favorite to see live videos of.. the little dance she does to it has me feeling some type of way 🥺😪 one of the classics. lana slapping the roof of this song like “this baby can fit to much daddy kink, drugs, and sex in it”

swimming pool / glimmering darling /white bikini off with my red nail polish

my old man is, a tough man / but he got a soul as sweet as blood red jam / and he shows me, he knows me, every inch of my tar black soul

the imagery of this... UGH

4. california

THIS ENTIRE SONG IS TOO GOOD. i don’t even know what to say abt it except that lana really went off with nfr

you don't ever have to be stronger than you really are / when you're lying in my arms, baby / you don't ever have to go faster than your fastest pace

you're scared to win, scared to lose / i've heard the war was over if you really choose

5. old money

this one makes me cry the hardest out of all her songs because it’s so sad and desperate

blue hydrangea, cold cash divine / cashmere, cologne and white sunshine / red racing cars, sunset and vine / the kids were young and pretty

once again the imagery in her songs is UNPARALLELED.

the power of youth is on my mind

this makes me think abt that lorde quote abt how teenagers sparkle or whatever

and if you call i'll run, run, run / if you change your mind, i’ll come, come, come

bonus: music to watch boys to

SORRY i needed to put this one on here. this one should be near the top but i completely forgot abt it until it came on shuffle play & i don’t feel like renumbering the entire list. this one truly is a ronan song i don’t make the rules (the music to watch boys to is the murder squash song). once again it’s the imagery of it all that gets to me.

i like you a lot / putting on my music while I'm watching the boys / so I do what you want

live to love you / and i love to love you / and I live to love you, boy

nothing gold can stay / like love or lemonade / or sun or summer days / it's all a game to me anyway

diet mountain dew didn’t make it onto this list but i have 2 pairs of heart shaped sunglasses because of it so it has a special place in my heart... lanas impact

other honerable mentions are the greatest, fuck it i love you, venice bitch, dark paradise, BURNING DESIRE and cherry because it’s the only good song on lust for life

[saintjudejournal]

Pretty proud of this, not going to lie 😅

I think this is the probably the most I’ve ever worked on a poem and written on here.

******

I wrote the first draft of this quickly and very angrily sometime in 2016 on one of those hot summer days when things where just not going well. To top things off, I left my bananas on top of my fridge and flies got into my apartment, laid eggs in them and it was all super gross. Fun fact, still haven’t had a banana since then... (so yeah, it wasn’t the best day not sure if you can tell from the poem 😅). Anyways, fast forward to a while later when my mood subsided as it often does, eventually... for some reason I never could complete this poem. Still not sure why, even now I keep wondering if i should have added a bit more...

I usually tend to avoid reading what I write especially if it’s just after a stream of consciousness rant and so I let the words simmer for a while.

When I finally did get to review what I have written, I don’t know why but it didn’t sound like “me.” The words were crude, a departure from my typical stylistic choices and not very pleasant to read. In fact I didn’t really like what I have written at all so I decided it was another one of my “rough drafts” and left it to dissipate at the bottom of my notes folder where fragments of my thoughts go to die.

Throughout, the years I would stumble upon it while making a grocery list or attempting for the 100th time to clean up my notes and would give it a quick glance but again, reading the words always left a bad taste in my mouth and I would put it away not feeling very good.

Strangely enough, the phrase “it’s got to be for something, the rot” have been in my mind for some time now. I’m not entirely sure when those words came to me to be honest, but I always think of them especially on days when things are bad. I think I subconsciously conjured up those words as a reminder that all the hardships and bad times serve a purpose even if it’s too painful to know what that is just yet.

(God, this is probably the most I’ve ever written for a caption in my life)

To make a long story short, for whatever reason, something inside me probably same place the voices come from...(kidding but not really), decided it was time to finally publish this. The urge to write again and publish this, took over my mind so utterly and irrevocably, it was almost a compulsion.

I suddenly had this image in my head of how I wanted it to look and I just knew it had to come out looking the way it did. I’m not sure why I thought of all the religious iconographies...

Maybe because I was a pastor’s kid and a part of my subconscious still associates the concept of “heaven”/“nirvana” as escapism from all “the rot.”

Perharps, my current obsession with Bukowski’s unflinching approach to writing is inspiring me to just write and create whatever words or imagery that comes to mind no matter how crazy/unsavoury it might seem without worrying about other’s interpretation. I can definitely credit my recent obsession with the dirty old man for giving me the courage to attempt the whole “writing thing” again.

Maybe it’s a bit of both or oh who knows...

Nevertheless, I’m grateful to whatever demon or angel that possessed me. It’s been a crazy couple of years and I still have no idea what I’m doing but I think I’m going to keep trying the whole writing/creating thing again. I haven’t slept before 5am in a while so sleep deprivation is probably the driving force behind all this but I can finally say for the first time that I’m...dare I say happy? ...Hmm let’s say content... no happy. I’m happy with what I wrote/created and even though my brain is literally wincing every time I say the “H” word, I’m going to try and keep reminding myself how good it feels to actually create an image I’ve been carrying in my mind. As for the editing, considering I literally had no photoshop skills up until 3 days ago and no computer I think I did ok. Apparently, something inside me wanted my words to be framed like a photograph with the hashtag “soft girl” on Instagram (or someone who just time travelled to 2009 and discovered Microsoft paint 😅) so I’ve literally been up all night on my phone trying to put together fragments of the images I’ve carried in my mind...

I’m still not sure what all of it means but I think what I was trying to say at the time is that things in my life are ugly/rotten. I’m not where I want to be and I would like to change it. I don’t know how that’s coming along but I would sure like to keep trying... And just going back and doing further edits I think the reason I added all those edits, the ornate borders and why not has to do with something along the lines of things in my life aren’t pretty, I’m not where I want to be but I’m the only who who can change it. I can crop, edit, pixelate (sorry I just learnt photoshop), the things that are within my control to change... (That and I also just like really pretty things. Haha. Always have been a sucker for some good ol’ good/evil, pretty/ugly juxtaposition.)

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can create/clean up/ beautify for lack of a better word those things that I don’t like... the ugly parts and it’s up to me to make my life more beautiful/how I like...

This calls to mind the lyrics to one of my favourite songs... Yeasayer’s 2080; “we can pickle the pain into blue ribbon winners at county contests”

(Wow, things certainly took an existential turn...)

If you’ve read this far, what are you doing with your life? Haha no but if anyone reads this far, well damn! You’ve definitely earned yourself a virtual cookie 🍪 ... (I’m sure you’re thrilled, try to control your excitement) but yeah you definitely get a lot of props and I imagine your patience level is unmatchable!

Really though, thank you :) I really do appreciate it and sorry for my super long rant 😅 I think the sleep deprivation might be kicking in now so I should end here.

If you made it this far thanks so much again and I really, really, really do appreciate it. In trying to keep with the whole “going to actually try and give this writing thing a proper shot kick I’m on this week”.

Thats all for now folks, thanks so much again! ✌️🙈😅🤷‍♀️

[allmyloveavery]

wherever you are ~ c.b

A/N: The first part of this is gonna be your point of view and then it switches to Corbyn. The italic parts are song lyrics. anyway, I love this song so much and I hope I did it justice with the story. this is almost 2k words so i put a read more lmao. quick disclaimer this is just fiction and based on song lyrics don’t come at me pls 

ps: I’m so sorry this took so long holy crap this request has been sitting in my inbox for ages.

Requested: yes

Summary: basically the plot of the song wherever you are by 5sos but if you don’t know what that’s about I’m gonna give a quick summary anyway. You and Corbyn break up and he leaves you heartbroken. You fly back home and time passes but he can’t seem to stop thinking about you.

You drove into the airport parking lot, with tears burning in your eyes you parked your car and sat there for a minute staring through the window. You couldn’t take it any longer, the feeling of tears burning behind your eyes turned into a complete waterfall of tears streaming down your cheeks. Usually, you weren’t one to cry but today, your spirit, hope, and dreams had been shattered in just a matter of seconds. You lay your head on your arms that were crossed over the steering wheel and you felt the tears stain your sleeve.

 On the backseat of your car, there’s a faint buzzing sound, it’s your phone, but you can’t even hear it over your violent sobbing. In between sobs you manage to let out your anger and scream as you slam the steering wheel with both of your hands. “It was a mistake coming here” you say as you look through your bag for some tissues to clean up the mess that this sobbing session had created.  You check yourself out in your mirror and rub your eyes one last time before grabbing your stuff and walking inside the airport. One more glance over your shoulder at the sun setting in L.A before you step foot inside the airport and you leave forever. As you walk towards your gate you grab your phone and dial your mom’s number. “Hi mom” you almost break down after this and you hear the voice of your concerned mom on the other side of the line, asking you if you’re okay. “I’m coming home.” It stays silent on your mom’s side of the line. It’s like you can’t even react to anything and like everything is moving in slow-motion. You hear your mom say that she’ll pick you up at the airport in your hometown if you text her the time you land and that you’ll be alright and she loves you. All you manage to get out in response is an almost muted “okay” as you stare at your gate before boarding. 

You got on the plane and looked for your spot. When you finally found it and sat down you saw the missed calls from your now ex-boyfriend. As much as it pains you to do it, you decide it’s for the best. You open your contacts on your phone and scroll to his name. “delete contact” you hesitate for a second but end up clicking it. Tears well up in your eyes as you shut down your phone looking out the window, waiting for the plane to take you back home.

“For a while we pretended That we never had to end it But we knew we’d have to say goodbye You were crying at the airport When they finally closed the plane door I could barely hold it all inside”

He was driving on the freeway, one hand on the steering wheel, the other to his ear trying to call you for the fourth time. “come on y/n, pick up the phone…please” The boy makes his way to the airport as fast as possible. It’s a race against the clock to make it there before you board and you’re gone forever. Jonah is sitting in the passenger side and gives Corbyn a sympathetic look as he watches him dial your number once again muttering “please pick up, babe, this was a mistake” to himself. “Dude it’s no use, she’s not gonna pick up. You broke her heart, she probably doesn’t even want to talk to you right now.“ When you don’t pick up the sixth time he throws his phone on the backseat. “I have to talk to her, Jonah. I have to.”

They pull up in the parking lot and Corbyn doesn’t even bother to lock the car. He jumps out of the car sprinting towards the doors of the main entrance. Once he’s inside he frantically looks for your flight on the boards, but he can’t find it. As he’s running towards the service desk to ask where you’re boarding there’s an announcement over the intercom. “Boarding for the flight KL601 is closed.”  Corbyn’s heart sinks into his chest and his eyes fall down as he stops running. “I’m too late.”

His entire body got washed over by defeat as he slowly made his way back to the car. His chest felt heavy and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to cry or scream. As he walked up to his car he saw Jonah sitting in the passenger’s seat, patiently waiting for him. Once Jonah spots his friend he gets out of the car. “You didn’t make it in time?” he asks as he walks up to his friend to give him a hug. Corbyn can’t even bring himself to answer because he knows he’ll break down, so he just shakes his head. “I’m sorry, buddy.”

Exactly three months had passed since you left L.A and went back home.  It was about 3 am but he couldn’t sleep. He’d been up all night thinking of you. He tried so hard to fall asleep but he just missed you too much. He grabbed his phone searching through his contacts until he got to your name. His finger hovered over the number and the calling button for a few seconds. “I shouldn’t. It’s better this way.” He sighs and shuts off his phone.

“Torn in two And I know I shouldn’t tell you But I just can’t stop thinking of you Wherever you are You Wherever you are Every night I almost call you Just to say it always will be you Wherever you are”

He looked at the bulletin board on his desk. You may have been gone but the memories weren’t. The board was filled with Polaroid’s of the two of you, little notes and postcards you had given him throughout the relationship. He knew he should probably get rid of them or at least put them away somewhere he wasn’t reminded of the painful fact that half of his heart was missing. He grabbed his favorite polaroid picture from the board. It was a picture he took of you when you were out on a date for Valentine’s Day because he thought you looked so pretty and he was a lucky guy. He felt tears well up in the back of his eyes and fought the urge to cry. He holds the picture up, looking at it for a while. “I miss you.”

“I could fly a thousand oceans But there’s nothing that compares to What we had, and so I walk alone”

The thought of booking a plane ticket and just flying to you to say he’s sorry and ask you to come back home, to him, in L.A, had crossed his mind almost every night. Yesterday he almost did, but he refrained. You’d probably turn him down anyway.  He sighed at the thought. He missed everything about you, your touch, playing with your hair, your laugh, the way you would do a little dance if you were excited about something, the back and forth quoting of your favorite vines, you sending him memes in the middle of the night saying “this reminded me of you”. He’d give anything to just hold you in his arms one more time.

The next morning he scrolled through his Instagram and saw that you had posted something.  You hadn’t posted anything ever since you left L.A, except for a picture with your two best friends hugging them, captioned: “I missed my girls.” The picture you had posted was a selfie of you and some guy at a club with drinks in your hands both smiling and looking happy. The picture was captioned: “@ScottH the man, the myth, the legend.”

“I wish I didn’t have to be gone Maybe you’ve already moved on But the truth is I don’t want to know”

Corbyn clicked the tag in the picture you gave Scott and went to his account. He found the same pic you had posted and saw that you had commented a heart under the picture. He wondered if you had moved on but couldn’t bring himself to think about it any longer. The thought of you being over him and with someone else pained him deep in his soul.

He went to his Spotify playlist and found the playlists you had made him over the course of the relationship. “Mixtape I for my sunshine’, ‘songs that remind me of you II’, ‘mixtape for the bean III” He looked at the titles with a soft smile on his face. From time to time he would still listen to them, like reading an old love letter. Almost as if in a desperate attempt to cling to you, hoping that one day you would come back.

It was one of those days on which he lied awake until four in the morning thinking about you, so he plugged in his earphones and played the very first mixtape you made him in an attempt to feel something and fill the void in his heart.

“You can say we’ll be together Someday Nothing lasts forever Nothing stays the same So why can’t I stop feeling this way Torn in two And I know I shouldn’t tell you But I just can’t stop thinking of you Wherever you are You Wherever you are”

What he didn’t know was that you still listened to his mixtapes every once in a while too. Even though you deleted his number, you had it memorized and you thought about calling him every now and then, but just like Corbyn, you thought it was probably better this way.

“Every night I almost call you Just to say it always will be you Wherever you are”

[iheartdubulge]

I have finally been feeling better, Jonghyun. Me putting on an act helps. I have broken down several times and it hurts immensely. - But now I can drink water, now I can keep food down, Get some sleep even if its only for 3-4 hours. Crying makes me be very dehydrated but I couldn't keep it down.  I Passed out from exhaustion but was able to sleep for six hours because of it Today. I am physically feeling better, but my heart isn’t, my mind either. Jonghyun I don’t think this pain is ever going to go away, I already had it before you left but it was manageable. I’ve been trying to not think about you for my own sake and mental health, but I catch myself zoning out thinking about you. Or when I feel an ounce of happiness my heart , body and soul, remind me that I cant be and I begin to cry, my smile instantly becomes a frown, and me trying to keep that from happening causes me much more of an ache within my heart because it’s just me, its how I am, and I hate it so much. I know we had similarities in how we felt, based on your lyrics. But I didn’t know we were so similar. I am still in denial and I don’t that is ever going to change, because I thought we were going to make this happen together, we would both find happiness one day. And when you left i felt so much anger, and betrayal because you left me all alone.  Which makes this even harder for me. I’m sorry for feeling that way towards you. Even now, I am still sinking in emotions and feelings about this situation, but I too want to be Happy. My own heart and mind keep me from it, and i am aware of it. But I don’t know how to fix myself. I am really trying to pull through, i think about taking my life everyday, and I try Unsuccessfully. Or I push it off, because I'm scared. I spend so much time alone but and i enjoy out because I grew accustom to it, but I'm scared of doing it and I'm scared of being alone. -  I want to try and get heeled, I want to know what's wrong with me. I want to Know why i have this irreparable pain. And now more than ever. I know these thoughts wont go away, But for now I promise i won’t do anything. I’ll stay alive and try for the both of us. I’ll write my pain down. Even if it's another suicide note, but i promise for now i won’t attempt anything. For now, I’m sorry if in the end i don't keep my promise and go through with it. -- Now that you're happy and in peace please help me once more, give me strength to find that happiness you feel here on earth.- Love, there will be days where i’ll pretend to have forgotten you, because those will be my most painful days, those days will be the ones i live my life where none of this ever happened ill think about you but not as a memory , ill think about you being in your studio with the rest of the members and with roo. As i grow old, i hope my memories of you remain the same but with you growing with me, ill think about you getting wrinkles, getting pepper hair, having kids, grandkids, as painful as that may seem I want to remember you not only as a memory but having found happiness here on earth while growing old with your brothers and Shawols. --  After six days of pain, I found an ounce of strength and hope. I am going to write a book, about jonghyun, about myself. It’s going to be personal- Its going to have How he helped me, the pain I feel, and hopefully how my broken heart will heel. If i ever find happiness 5 , 10, 20 years down the road i’ll publish it. Because i hope to have made it. --  I know I would be making a mistake if i decide to do something irrational, i know that. But sometimes you're just feel so lonely and low. It seems like thats the only option out of that pain, its really hard to sincerely feel happiness. I only felt that with SHINee, right now i have been listening to them nonstop, but sadly for now it brings me pain, but with wonderful memories. - My book will include a lot of you Jonghyun, shinee , shawols, us , personal feelings and my suicide notes, because instead of taking my life ill put all of my pain onto paper, and try to keep my promise. Jonghyun is such a precious soul, he left stuff behind to cope with the pain. I’m really trying hard my love, I'm trying really fucking hard not to do something stupid so this is what i came up with. I’ll try to live, and find happiness. I’ll try to be so incredibly happy for the both of us, ill try to become full of love like you were, i’ll try to live a  good life for the both of us, i dream of having a family one day. Having my kids listen to you for the first time. Telling my husband that thanks to you and SHINee I'm still here. - You see love, I’m really trying even if most of it is insincere for now. Because I'm in so much pain. - I’‘I pray only that you aren’t hurting. I hope only that you will be happy. ‘Please don’t try to be alone in the darkness/ Don’t torture yourself/ Don’t torture you.’ Jonghyun captioned the picture: ‘I pray you aren’t hurting.’ - Jonghyun your last post  i wish i could’ve told you the same , I'm so sorry my love. I Love being alone in my room i feel uncomfortable being with others and my family, but I'll try. Even if it‘s for an hour or two, ill try. I’ll try to stay alive. My blog name/title has always been sincere, I am Anxious to Live, Anxious to stay Alive. Sometimes it just gets really hard. I am going to stop this here because the pain is becoming unbearable, i need to put it on paper. And If I don’t stop now, i don't think ill ever stop.  -- 

“It doesn’t matter who you are and what you do but please remember this one thing: someone loves you more than you love yourself. i will cheer you on. i love you.”- Lee Jinki.

Lee Jinki and Kim Kibum Thank you. For helping me find strength in Him instead of Pain. I love you My Five Precious Babes. Please be proud of me for simply trying. 

Kim Jonghyun I am proud of you for trying. I Love you so fucking Much. 

Thank you Smiley-Jaebum , & Lostinaneon 

[unending-happiness]

The Most Beautiful Thing on the Planet

Alec and Magnus travel to the Maldives Islands for some much needed rest and relaxation. Their alone time gets interrupted by something unexpected. Alec is full of sass and Magnus is his usual magnificent self. Basically, just these two lovebirds in paradise.

Read it on Ao3

Or Here:

It was amazing how everything was better on vacation, even the coffee tasted better in paradise. Alec stood in the doorway to the deck of their overwater villa. They had been keeping the large sliding glass door opened all the way, so that the indoor and outdoor spaces merged into one. Even at night, there was no need for privacy, the only thing as far as the eye could see were the crystal turquoise waters of the Indian Ocean and a blue sky filled with puffy white clouds. They were but a few steps away from water so clear you could see all the marine life below, as your feet settled into soft white sand. It was a stunning sight, but even the idyllic scenery had nothing on the sight that was currently capturing Alec’s attention.

Magnus was lying on his stomach wearing nothing but the shortest, tightest swim bottoms that he had ever seen, not that he was complaining one bit. His already tan skin had been kissed by the sun over the past few days, giving him an almost unearthly glow. Magnus always called him an angel, but Alec knew who the real angel was here. He must’ve just gotten out of the pool, his skin still glistening with drops of water, his hair wet and slicked back. There were a number of comfortable lounge chairs and a hammock nearby, but Magnus was stretched out on the smooth tiki wood of the deck, his hand draped over the edge into their private infinity pool, languidly swishing through warm water. He was facing the ocean, his long legs stretched out toward Alec, toes pointed gracefully. Alec couldn’t see his face from where he stood, but he knew that he still didn’t have makeup on, nor any jewelry, and his nails weren’t painted. He knew because those fingers had just slid down his chest an hour ago, before he left Alec to his book and went outside. He was actually surprised Magnus had bothered to pull on bottoms, as he had taken to this pool naked more than a few times in their time here.

Alec knew that in a short time, all of his usual flair would be back.  Magnus would get dressed up for their lunch date at the resort restaurant. This stripped down version of Magnus was something that few people ever got to see, and Alec felt a great sense of pride at being trusted with a laid bare Magnus. He knew that without the makeup, jewelry, and clothes, Magnus felt like a knight without his armour. However, he knew the truth and reminded him often that his armor was his incredible inner strength. Alec truly loved every version of Magnus, and couldn’t get enough of any of them.

He took a last sip of his coffee and quietly set it down on a nearby table, and moved to join his boyfriend by the pool, yearning to run his hands across his damp skin. He walked quietly, the wood soft and soundless under his feet, thinking Magnus would feel the vibrations and look up, but he didn’t. Closer now, he had a clear view of Magnus’ face. He was expecting his eyes to be closed, or at least filled with a look of serenity, so when he saw that his eyebrows were scrunched in irritation, his lips in a scowl, Alec followed his gaze to his hand. He was holding his iphone, it’s black glittery case shining in the sun, with a colorful game playing on the screen.

“Magnus Bane,” Alec said sternly, snapping him out of his game-induced concentration, “I cannot believe you.”

Magnus jumped, nearly dropping the offending article, before burying his face in the crook of his elbow and groaning. “Ugh. I thought you were reading.”

“I missed you, and you look so hot laying out here all spread ou--” Alec stopped, shaking his head ”--no, I’m not getting distracted. We specifically said no cellphones on vacation.”

Magnus rolled over onto his back, so that he could look up at Alec, pressing the button on his phone to turn off the screen and laying it next to him. “Yes, I’m aware of what we said, but honestly, you were reading, so I don’t see why I can’t just play a game, Alexander. Be reasonable.”

Alec scoffed, putting his hands on his hips over his shorts, “Be reasonable?! You’ve got to be kidding me. You are the one who made the rule. You went so far as to lock my phone in the hotel safe when we got here. You gave my family the resort number in case they needed anything, because, you know, I wouldn’t have my phone.”

Leaning back on his elbows looking up at him, Magnus at least had the grace to appear a little remorseful, “I understand, but the whole no phones deal was made because yours is always ringing and interrupting us.  It’s always Jace, Izzy, Maryse, work, someone is always calling. I love that your family is important to you and that you are dedicated to your clients, but they always want you to fix something, and I just wanted one whole week of not having to share you, my love. Is that really too much to ask?”

“No, it isn’t too much to ask. I know that my work keeps me busy and my family can be a bit much, which is why I agreed, but the point is, you said you wouldn’t use yours either,” a thought occurred to him, “Wait...when did you even get yours out of the safe? How long have you had it?”

Magnus evaded the question, “I just wanted to beat this one level on candy crush..I’m so close, and you were reading that boring book anyway.”

Alec balked, throwing his hands in the air, “Candy crush?! You broke our pact for a game about crushing candy? Unbelievable,” but his annoyance was waning as his eyes raked over Magnus’ toned abs, displayed in all their glory in front of him. Damn libido!

Magnus’ knowing look told Alec that he knew exactly what was on his mind, and he smiled innocently, seeing his chance to distract him, “Darling. I am so sorry. How can I ever make it up to you?”

Alec could think of a way….or ten. “Don’t darling me. I’m still mad at you,” he said, but he lowered himself down, straddling Magnus. Leaning over him, he scooped a handful of water from the pool and dripped it into Magnus’ hair, smoothing it out of his face. “You are the most gorgeous candy crush addict I have ever seen.” He was leaning down to kiss him, when a loud chirping sound came from Magnus’ phone. He quickly snatched it up and sat up, sitting back on his thighs to keep him in place. He held the phone up out of reach, put in the lock screen password, and swiped down notifications, ignoring Magnus’ protests.

It was a text from Ragnor.

I emailed you with the files for next week’s edition, as requested. Honestly, Magnus, Catarina and I have this under control. I don’t know why you insist on working from halfway across the world. Don’t you have something else to do? such as: snorkel, drink from a coconut, or climb that tall broody tree of yours? Speaking of, Alec has instagram. He’s going to see the dates on those pictures when you get back, and I would love to be there when he does. Stop micromanaging. I’m not enabling you anymore.

Alec’s jaw dropped. Magnus was working?! He was working a lot apparently, and he was also on social media. So much for the whole ‘just playing a game’ bit. “You lied to me,” he said.

Magnus gave up trying to get the phone from Alec and slumped back down, putting his hands on Alec’s thighs, “I didn’t lie to you. You didn’t ask me if I was working, specifically,” he said, while slowly sliding his hands up under Alec’s shorts.

Damnit. Why was Magnus so good at removing all thoughts from his mind? He leveled a pointed gaze at his hands, which had the immediate effect of stilling them. “Withholding the truth is lying by omission, Magnus, and you know that.” He leaned down and whispered, “I am going to throw your phone into the ocean.”

Magnus panicked, “Don’t do that! That phone case was a gift from Catarina and it is one of a kind.”

Alec laughed incredulously, “So you aren’t worried about the brand new expensive electronic, but you are worried about the sparkly phone case?”

“All the best things sparkle.” Magnus retorted.

He couldn’t argue with that logic, considering Magnus sparkled most of the time and Alec was crazy about him. For a moment, he thought of removing the phone from it’s case and hurling it, but then he looked at Magnus underneath him, nearly naked and vulnerable, lips pouty and pleading, and he just sighed. He wasn’t going to win this one, so he typed out a text reply to Ragnor.

Magnus can’t come to his phone right now. It has been confiscated by the broody tall tree. He will see you in 5 days.

He decided to pull up instagram next, to see what kind of pictures Magnus had posted of their trip during his secret phone time. Expecting beach pictures, he was surprised when the first thing he saw was a picture of himself. It was a black and white shot of him sleeping, his hair wild against the white pillow, one hand tucked up under his head, the other one curled around Magnus’ hand. The caption on the photo seemed to be song lyrics, ones that Alec didn’t recognize, but that he would be listening to the first chance he got.

I surrender who I’ve been for who you are, nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart. If I had only felt how it feels to be yours, I would’ve known what I’ve been living for all along. ~ Turning Page, Sleeping at Last.

Alec swallowed. He felt overwhelmed with gratitude that life had given him this amazing, beautiful man who loved him. He blinked back tears as he focused on Magnus’ face.

Magnus looked concerned, “What are you looking at? Is it Ragnor? Are you going to throw my phone into the Indian Ocean?”

Alec powered down the device, placed it on the deck, and leaned down, kissing Magnus on the nose and running his fingers through his hair.

“No, I’m not. I’m going to order room service. We are going to stay here all day, and I’m going to worship every inch of your body in a vain attempt to show you how impossibly in love with you I am.”

Magnus placed both hands on his face, and whispered, “I love you too, Alexander.” He smiled, rubbing a thumb across his cheek, “Does this mean I get to finish my game later?”

Alec kissed him breathless, completely losing himself in the most beautiful thing on the planet.

[descentintobandom]

Small Bump

Title: Small Bump Chapter: One-Shot Pairing: Ben/Clary Rating: T/M Fic Summary: The story behind Andy and Clary’s breakup has more layers than people think. Author’s Notes: Mentions of miscarriage. You have been warned.

I was woken up early in the morning to my phone ringing. I quickly picked it up, trying not to wake Ben. I answered it. “Hello?”

“Hey Clary”, Andy said.

“Andy? Why are you calling me this early in the morning?”

“I haven’t been able to sleep all night…He would’ve been 5 today”, he said, softly.

My heart stopped.

Today reminded me of the worst day of my life.

The day my world came crashing down.

I got out of bed and went into the living room. “I’m surprised you remembered”, I told him, “You were drunk off your ass when it happened”.

“You think I didn’t love him? He was my son too! You weren’t the only one who lost a child that day”, he snapped.

“Would you keep your voice down? Ben’s over”, I told him.

“Does he know?”

“No. Only you and the band know about what happened”.

“Not a day goes by that I don’t think about what life would’ve been like…I was going to go to the cemetery later. But can you do something for me first?”

“What?”

“Meet me at the studio”.

When I arrived at the studio, I found Andy setting up microphones. “What are we doing?” I asked him.

“You and I are going to record an alternative version of “Mortician’s Daughter”. For our son. I’m going to call the label in the morning and get them to release it. I need to do this. For closure”, he said.

I hugged Andy and said, “Okay”.

A few days later, Andy and I had a radio interview about the song.

“I’m here today with Andy Biersack of Black Veil Brides and the lovely Clarissa Rose, who have just released a new version of “Mortician’s Daughter”. What prompted the collaboration?” the radio host asked.

“Well, I’ve wanted to collaborate with Clary for a while now and seeing as it’s the song I wrote for her, it just seemed fitting”, Andy said.

“And you two dated in the past before, correct?”

“Yes, we dated for 5 years”, I said.

“And what ended the relationship?”

I took a deep breath and felt Andy lace his fingers with mine.

“That’s actually why we’re here and why we collaborated on the song”, Andy answered for me, “To explain and finally set the record straight”.

“Speaking of the song, I noticed quite a few of lyric have been changed and this one is more melancholic”.

The next words I said revealed a secret I’d kept for 5 years from everyone.“We did it for our son”.

The radio station went quiet.

“I was 4 months pregnant when I miscarried him. This is our way of finally saying goodbye”.

“It was never released to the public, being that we were so young when it happened”, Andy explained, “We didn’t want anyone to know. Not even our parents knew”.

“I’m sorry for your loss”.

“Thank you”, Andy said.

“Things just weren’t the same after that”, I said, squeezing Andy’s hand.

“When we lost him, I began to drink heavily to deal with the pain. It’s never gone away, I’ve just learned how to deal with it in more healthy ways”, Andy told him.

“Do you know what the cause was?”

“The stress of touring and…I didn’t know I was pregnant until well into my third month and I drank and partied the entire time”, I said.

Tears filled my eyes.

I knew my behavior could have been the cause of my miscarriage.

My phone buzzed and I saw a text from Ben.

I’m here. I looked up and saw him standing on the other side of the glass. I don’t know how he knew or why he was here. All I wanted was for him to hold me right now.

“Maybe we should take a break”, Andy said and the radio host nodded.

The minute everything was turned off, Ben burst into the room.

I threw my arms around him and hid my face in his neck.

“I’m so sorry, darling”, he told me, softly stroking my hair. The moment he said those words, the dam burst and I collapsed into tears.

My knees buckled and I would have hit the floor if Ben hadn’t been holding me.

I’d kept it bottled inside for 5 years and everything came pouring out.

The sadness, the anger, the regret.

I’d never properly grieved for our son. I instead chose to shut down completely. But it was all too much to handle now. I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe.

“Ris, you’ve gotta calm down”, Andy told me, but I couldn’t.

“She’s going to pass out”, I heard Ben say. Suddenly, I was in Andy’s arms and we were sitting on the floor.

He sat facing me with his knees bent on either side of me. He wrapped his arms around me and set his head in my neck, while I buried into his chest. He rubbed my back and hummed a tune that I couldn’t quite place.

It was pretty and sounded like a lullaby.

It’d been a while since Andy had had to put me in the “Ball of Warmth” as we liked to call it.

I used to have panic attacks on the road all the time, but I hadn’t had one since the miscarriage. After a few minutes, my breathing leveled out and I was too weak to move.

Somehow Ben and Andy switched spots.

“You’re okay, love”, Ben said, softly kissing my forehead. His voice and accent were soothing to me.

“Andy, we never went to the cemetery”, I said softly, my voice hoarse from all the crying.

“What?” Ben asked.

“Every year…we go to the cemetery and leave him something”, Andy explained.

“Oh”, Ben said, “Are you feeling up to it?”

I looked at him and said, “I have to. It was his birthday a couple of days ago”.

Andy and I weren’t actually sure when his birthday would have been, except sometime in December. So we just picked a day. December 13th.

It happened to be a Friday, so we thought it was fitting for him.

“Do…do you want me to go with you?” Ben asked, rubbing his hands up and down my arms.

“Would you?” I asked him.

“Of course, love”, Ben said pecking me on the lips.

Andy and I finished the interview, where we set the record straight.

Abuse had nothing to do with the breakup.

It was the trauma of the miscarriage and the stress of touring that caused us to part ways.

The ride to the cemetery was silent.

I could tell the whole situation made Ben uncomfortable, but it was just part of my past. It was part of who I was.

When we arrived at the cemetery, we got out and Andy went to the trunk. He pulled some Batman figurines.

“Batman? Really?” I teased him.

“Hey, he would’ve loved Batman”, Andy shot back.

I grabbed a bear and we made our way to his headstone.

It was black with white lettering and stood out amongst the other graves. “Dallas Andrew Biersack – Beloved son.”

Sadly there was only one date the headstone.

The day I miscarried.

Andy and I placed the toys on the ground next to the gravestone. Andy pulled out his phone and snapped a picture of it, posting it to the internet with the caption, “Not many of you may know, but at one time Clary and I were expecting a baby. Sadly he was taken from this world too soon, but those last 2 months were the best months of our lives. I don’t know what awaits us beyond this life, but I hope I finally get to meet you, my son, one day. #missyou”.

[patheticphallacy]

This is part of my Music Monday series on my blog, where I talk all things music, from recommending songs to discussing my favourite music videos to compiling playlists based on prompts.

Summer is over!

I don’t want to say finally, because being off University has been pretty great, but I’m also so relieved the weather is going to get cooler. The weather fluctuated between INCREDIBLY HOT and ACTUALLY IT’S QUITE CHILLY in July and August and I just want it to be over please oh please.

So for Music Monday I figured I should do a little wrap up of the music I’ve enjoyed! I’ve made about 5 new music playlists for absolutely no reason at all other than I have no self control, and I keep having to edit down my 2019 playlist due to impulsively adding songs and then realising two weeks later that I honestly didn’t really love the song that much.

FAVOURITE SOLO ARTIST

My favourite solo artist this Summer was probably Sigrid. Generally with solo artists I get into one or two of their songs, and while those songs list in my favourite songs, the artist generally isn’t a new top favourite.

I’ve been a fan of Sigrid since 2017, and I finally felt like I was in the right space to listen to her new album Sucker Punch, which ended up solidifying her as one of my new favourite solo artists. She has a really intriguing voice and I love that you could dance to over half of this album because of how upbeat it is. There’s something to be said for lyrics that aren’t complicated, are easy to understand, because sometimes that makes them all the more relatable for a listener.

I also love how so much of her music is inspired by more than just romantic issues. There are crushes and friendship songs, songs about breaking free from toxic friendships– something that helped me as I reconcile with some of the more toxic elements of relationships I’ve had in the past– and there’s also a song inspired by not only Studio Ghibli, but also her attempt to control her image in the media, which is something I always love in music. Artists can be publicised so much we forget they are real human beings, and hearing their music about their public image is always humbling.

FAVOURITE BAND

  (Take This To Your Grave isn’t here because it wouldn’t fit, don’t fight me)

2008 Connie and 2019 Connie have one thing in common, and that’s their intense adoration of rock bands that formed in the 2000s. I’ve always been a fan of Fall Out Boy since I was little, but it’s only the past year I’ve actually started listening to all of their discography properly and begun appreciating what they’ve come out with.

This might be divisive, but I honestly think Fall Out Boy, of the ol’ rock/punk rock scene, have had the most consistently good albums since their debut. I think other bands have had decent albums and, in some cases, bad ones that only have one or two good songs in my opinion (Paramore’s self-titled album, I’msosorry), but not ones that have absolute hits.

Fall Out Boy are always great for me, every song on their albums that I’ve heard so far, and that’s why they are my favourite band of the Summer. They’ve changed with the times and the kind of music that’s popular in the moment without ever losing what made their earlier music so great. It’s just all very idiosyncratic, from the music videos to the content to the actual song titles, and I love them.

ALBUMS I LIKED

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Doom Days // Bastille

While doing some research on this album, I discovered that the concept for Doom Days is that it follows different points in the night at a party, a party that has a lot of “turbulent emotional chaos”. This explains why I love it so much.

In general, Bastille are a band that put a lot of thought into their music, and I think some really visceral imagery can be created from the concepts they shape the album around.

The titular song is actually my favourite of the album. It describes escapism from modern anxiety, and how, no matter how fucked the world is, you need to shut off sometimes. I struggle a lot with this– I constantly describe my own anxiety, something that I struggle with a lot, as having an IV line of straight modern horror flowing into me that I can’t disconnect from– and I think, as a song, it confronts modern fear– from climate change denial to porn addiction– without ever demonising those who make the decision to shut their brains off from it sometimes.

I think the Peter Pan reference especially reaffirms this. Yes, Peter Pan himself is a symbol of innocence, but at its core, Peter Pan’s narrative is about a girl who finds escape from the ‘real world’ long enough to figure out the issues of adulthood and growing up without losing herself along the way. In a way, that’s what this song, and the rest of the album, enforce. Escapism is good sometimes.

Third Eye Blind // Third Eye Blind

God of Wine has been one of my favourite songs for god knows how long, and after listening to a really bizarre mash-up of Welcome to the Black Parade with Semi-Charmed Life, I finally figured I should give the rest of the band’s music a try.

I’ve started with their self-titled first album, just because it’s easiest as I make my way through their discography, but I kind of stopped on this one. I just really love it. It mixes different sounds, sometimes crossing several in one song (Narcolepsy has an ending that jolts you out of your seat), with grim lyrics reflecting on suicide and mental health conditions, crystal meth, and sexual abuse.

Fun story: Semi-Charmed Life was very familiar to me before I’d even listened to the album, and when I researched into it, I realised that was because it was used in trailers for The Tigger Movie and, as a massive Winnie the Pooh fan and YouTube user, I had most definitely seen the trailer when I was younger and not put the pieces together. These trailers were obviously recalled because the song is about crystal meth, but I just think that’s a fun look into how little people actually pay attention to lyrics!

Sucker Punch // Sigrid

I’ve obviously discussed Sigrid in length earlier in this post, so I won’t say as much here. My favourite songs on the album are Basic, Don’t Kill My Vibe, and Business Dinners.

FAVOURITE SONGS

Arms Unfolding // Dodie

Oh, our fire died last Winter 

Heavy Metal Heart // Sky Ferreira

I describe the chorus and instrumentals of this as the musical equivalent of a headache, and I stand by that. Sky Ferreira’s voice is great, and I love the chaotic noisiness of this song.

Django Jane // Janelle Monáe

I actually only just listened to Dirty Computer. I tend to prolong listening to things until well after the hype surrounding them dies down, and I’m glad I did, as I’m not sure if I would have enjoyed the album otherwise.

I’m With You // Avril Lavigne

Can you tell I grew up goth? I remember memorising the lyrics to this when I was in year 3.

The Archer // Taylor Swift

Definitely the best song to come out of Taylor Swift’s latest album so far! I love the juxtaposition in the lyrics. I also wrote a whole post assigning her songs to Shakespeare Plays, if you’re interested in that sort of thing!

goodnight n go // Ariana Grande

I… don’t have much to say about this? It’s one of three songs I actually like off Sweetener. 

A Brand New Day // BTS&Zara Larsson

Everytime the first notes of this song play I get immediately hyped. I love the instruments used in this song, and I think the voices and sounds of the different collaborators in this (V and J-Hope, and Zara) all compliment each other really well.

Nightmare // Halsey

I Smile // DAY6

DAY6 were sold to me as a Korean rock group and I immediately jumped on that. I really love their album Sunrise.

Doom Days // Bastille

Someone You Loved // Lewis Capaldi

This has some iffy messages, especially concerning the idea of your partner– or a sole person– as a sort of therapist instead of pursuing other avenues (i.e. actual, paid-for therapy) to help you begin to tackle emotional issues. I do love Lewis Capaldi’s voice, though, and I think there are more ways to look at the song than just that. Remember kids: it’s okay to ask for help from loved ones and there should be a quid pro quo of support, but if your emotional issues are that bad, please seek professional help!

Kataomoi // Aimer

Baby Don’t Stop // NCT U

After how much time I’ve spent crafting paragraphs about music I love and trying to remain somewhat intelligent, I’m breaking that here: this song is just sexy. That’s the whole reason I love it. I’m sorry.

Ça Ira // Joyce Jonathan

This is a really fun song, it kind of reminds me of Sara Bareilles, only French. The fact that the music video is staged as her going on blind dates with people of all genders  is also really adorable and not something I see a lot of in music videos!

FAVOURITE MUSIC VIDEOS

Spring Day // BTS

I spend most of my time attempting to deconstruct every music video BTS have ever come out with, but Spring Day is almost the be-all-end-all for me. There’s so many layers to this music video, from the philosophical references– The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas by Ursula K Le Guin is a direct inspiration for the music video– to its context within the general BTS ‘Universe’ they’ve created with their music videos. I know this isn’t considered a direct part of the BTSU, but it is to me, and I love it. I really love the music video for Lights as well!

Nightmare // Halsey

This is a fact not many people know about, but I desperately wanted to both be in a rock/heavy metal band when I was younger, and also date someone in a heavy metal band. So all of those black and white sequences of Halsey as the frontwoman for a rock band are honestly my favourite thing ever. I love the messages of this song; I know people are divisive over their opinion on Halsey, but I’ve always loved her honesty, so I really love this song.

Kataomoi // Aimer

It’s a very quiet music video and I love that! People can do a lot with smaller budgets and minimal people partaking, I think this music video is beautiful. My best friend actually recommended this song to me with the assurance that Namjoon from BTS talked about it before.

Winter Bear // V

Speaking of quiet music videos: THIS. It’s soft and mostly uses shots and clips V got himself walking around and touring, including a few Jimin got for him. I’m very much on both ends of the spectrum concerning music videos: I love so many large-budgets videos, but I also love ones that are minimalist and filmed on smaller budgets (if you don’t count the cost of what Taehyung is wearing, obviously).

What have you listened to this Summer? I’d love some music video recommendations especially, I think it’s amazing how carefully people can form stories and messages without ever using speech, especially when the imagery isn’t overt and you can do research into shots used to understand what it could mean.

Thank you for reading!

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Music I Enjoyed This Summer This is part of my Music Monday series on my blog, where I talk all things music, from recommending songs to discussing my favourite music videos to compiling playlists based on prompts.