#sorry its late but its done woooooo

[t0bey]

“Reunion at Dawn”

happy 5th anniversary, three houses!!!

[twisted-crumpets]

May I have headcanons for Trey, Riddle, Vil, Rook, and Jamil about fem!MC fell asleep on their shoulder? Thank you! ❤️

Hello fellow sleepy Anon, nice to meet you.

I honestly awwwed at this it’s so cute.

━━ Riddle Rosehearts ━━

Riddle was in the Rose Gardens enjoying the lovely warm tea warming his body and the sunshine brightening up the area around him.

“So, I hope your day has gone well, otherwise I may have to cut off the heads of those who ruined it.”

Hearing a non-comitial hum, Riddle went to move his head to face his Rose until he felt a soft weight on his shoulder.

It took him a hot second to realise.

When he did, his face turned a beautiful shade of crimson.

He attempts to slightly nudge her cheek with his finger into waking up, but upon hearing her groan of protest, he stopped and froze in place.

Riddle admires her decication to her work and how hard she strives to get to the top. But, he also understands that it’s no easy task.

He gingerly traces her facial features, softly smiling at the small grin that adorned her face.

“Look at what you are doing to me, this shouldn’t go unpunished you know.. sleep well, my Rose.”

Nothing mattered in that moment, not even the obvious sniggering from Cater and Ace from behind the hedges.

His darling needs rest after all.

━━ Trey Clover ━━

Trey slightly regretted asking for her help in baking the tarts for the upcoming Unbirthday Party when he realised the extent of how tired his dearest was.

They had been working tirelessly the whole evening after a busy day of classes, mixing ingredients together over and over until the recipes began to blur.

For someone who’s been living in a bakery his whole life, it’s easy to forget that people can get tired from such a job.

“Add the final finishing touches andddd... DONE. Doesn’t that tart look splendid Berry? ... Berry?”

Before he could even turn his head his sweet was already snoozing away on his shoulder.

He couldn’t help himself from snapping a photo and chuckling at the innocent expression on her face.

Pressing a light kiss to her hand he whispered his thanks.

“It’s okay you get some sleep, little Berry. Thank you for your hard work.”

━━ Jamil Viper ━━

Jamil hates running late, he is always punctual for work and likes the finish every day at the same time. But, too many messes had to be cleaned up.

He was surrounded by the mess that was once a spotless lounge that he was expected to clean, covered from corner to corner in dust and debris.

Taking out his phone with a heavy heart, Jamil scrolled through all his texts saying how he would be just a minute longer and proceeds to cancel their plans.

That was until he heard his love call his name.

He was very grateful to have you help him quicken the cleaning time with him and was very guilty and resentful for his position that means this is commonplace.

After hours of sweeping, scrubbing and polishing, finally the room was restored to its former glory, and Jamil slid down the wall with a heavy sigh.

His S/O followed suit and rested their head on Jamil’s lap and released a relieved breath.

Instinctively, he combs his hands through her hair, calmly massaging the scalp.

“I’m sorry I had to rope you into this, and thank you for helping me out, I deeply appreciate you being here with-“

He was cut off by a light snore and smirked at the sight of his love passed out before him.

Leaning down slightly, he nuzzles her head and presses a soft kiss on her cheek.

If she could wait for him, he can wait for her.

━━ Vil Shoenheit ━━

Vil didn’t expect so many visitors on a busy school day, but tried his best to appease them all and get him and his dearest to Pomefiore as quick as he could.

Whilst he does adore his position and fame, sometimes it can be rather exhausting, especially with all the questions and cameras in his face.

Luckily for him, he has Rook to help clear the way and manages to escape from all the fuss.

“Ah~ what rude potatoes... that was utterly exhausting and one of them dared grab my clothing.. LOOK it’s slightly stretched, how ghastly.”

Finally settling down, he seats himself at his vanity with a indignant huff, reaching for some products to fix his makeup.

Lipstick smears he expected, his darling falling asleep on his shoulder was different.

Jokingly glaring at her through the mirror, he tucks loose strands of hair away from her face and coos.

“My sweet, the limelight must not be your cup of tea. Nevermind, I’ll personally ensure this is never repeated again.”

He carefully corrects any issues he has with his makeup, mindful of his love sleeping peacefully on his shoulder.

━━ Rook Hunt ━━

Rook adores archery, it’s the very essence of his being, his life and soul.. or so he said.

Upon hearing his partner’s lack of experience weilding a bow, he let out a mortified gasp and dragged his love to the sports field.

Being the romantic that he was, Rook couldn’t resists doing little acts like wrapping his arms around his darling to demonstrate proper form in order to make her heart flutter.

The day ended as fast as it began and Rook could admit that his dearest made some good progress.

However, he forgot that archery is a skill that takes time to learn due to all his years spent honing the skill.

Aching muscles and sore joints made his love rather grumpy, and she slammed her head onto his toned thighs with a groan.

Giggling, Rook showered her in kisses until she grinned back at him.

“Heehhee my my Cheri what a nasty frown.... there’s that gorgeous smile.”

All the work caused his dear to fall asleep nap fast that he was almost startled.

Cooing and giggling at her sweet expression, Rook could have written poems for days. However, the setting sun was inclination enough that it was time to go back to their dorms.

With little to no effort, he scooped her into his arms and carried her home.

“Merci, my little song bird.”

Woooooo this was a hefty one, I didn’t want them to sound too similar.

I hope you enjoyed your meal!

[patchdotexe]

explorers of arvus: heading back / 3.11.21

zoom and enhonse

LAST TIME ON ARVUS taure passed out and we are now down a healer! also we met a disciple of halvkar, and surprisingly did not murder her. this is fine. we have instantly gotten distracted by our various carts. cats. our various cats

DID ANY OF US CATCH TAURE, SHE FELL OVER sieron tried to catch her and smacked charlie+thorne in the face (he rolled a nat1, f) BUT the catboy is to the rescue bc silje is the designated Not Incompetent of the group today

CONSULT THE CHILD hewwo yrel yrel: her mind is being consumed by the serpent of nightmares. :D charlie: HELLO?????//

so, dendar(?) the night serpent is imprisoned beneath arvus! she was formed from the nightmares of the first sentient being, and sometimes she eats people's nightmares. if she's exceptionally hungry, she'll force nightmares onto people for her to feed off their fear. yrel thinks taure will Probably wake up. there's a thing on arvus mentioned by the locals called a "sleeping sickness" where people will fall asleep for a few days, sometimes longer, but will wake up. its magical in cause, the people afflicted by it have horrific nightmares, and its just kinda. a thing. wowza

(i have gone back to spelling yrel's name as yrel bc i think it looks nice)

OH HEY SOMEONE POSTED A THEORY ON ONE OF MY STICKMOLUS ANIMATIONS man i should get back to stickmolus sometime. once dsmp releases its awful grip on me.

i keep getting distracted by seeing myself in the camera preview. i have a tooth gap! what the fuck its cute?? K I KNOW WE'RE SUPER BLURRY IN FRONT RN BUT PLEASE HELP ME STAY FOCUSED I SWEAR -leo

we're gonna build a sled! to put taure on. thorne: i have a good strength score. ....i say, out loud charlie: i am four feet tall. [cue argument between thorne & sieron about them both being horcs but sieron has a +0 bc strength is his dump stat] OH, OKAY, THORNE ROLLED A NAT20 TO CARRY TAURE. NICE

[discussion about what to tell everyone at camp vengenace] thorne: the last thing we need to do is a witch hunt charlie: --and we already hunted the witch! the witch has been hunted.

time to discuss strategy! we need to figure out how to head back to camp vengeance, eg if we want to follow the path we already took or if we wanna do some trailblazing. looks like we're gonna try and take the most direct path! which means we'll prolly risk tangoing with some undead but im willing to risk it TINY HUT STAIRCASE sorry i just remember it now and then

nyx: [meowing at his cats] thorne: uh... why is silje meowing? jorb: silje's food bowl is empty jorb: you look at silje's food bowl and there's a divot in the middle and the food is all on the sides emotionally, we must bully the catboy silje saw something interesting and started meowing

thorne: ill take first watch silje: ill also take first watch. charlie: [quietly] gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy (but, like, extended for 15 seconds)

silje: [takes watch] [rolls a nat1 and gets distracted by looking at his crush]

THORNE HAS LOCATED A DOG the dog does not give a shit about the tiny hut. THE DOG HAS PEED ON THE TINY HUT goodbye dog

EVERYONE IS ROLLING AT LEAST 1 NAT1 thorne: wow! that sure is a dog. thorne has drawn the worst possible dog. thorne has erased the worst possible dog. we dont speak of the worst possible dog its the dog version of honse. DONSE

sieron is now on watch! MAN we are havin trouble rolling today. at least kali's here to make sure sieron doesnt stare at a rock for 50000 years sieron sees a mouse! bottom text

charlie is now on watch! kali is havin a big ol thonk. nothing meaningful has come of this

i am perceiving some deer. sieron is not perceiving some deer. silje is perceiving some deer, but better the deer are fucked up and undead! silje has gone from "we should hunt these deer for food" to "we should hunt these deer for sport"

charlie: i do not feel like being jumped by five thousand skeletons

charlie takes first watch with sieron! WHY ARE OUR ROLLS SO TERRIBLE taure is super cursed right now. that's not very pog charlie: this place sucks. thorne: to be fair, we havent-- charlie: YOU'RE ASLEEP, SHUT UP

oh hey coolname galvanic finally partied. nice.

thorne is at watch! solar: hey, is leomund's tiny hut an orb? there's a critter digging around! AH, THE CRITTER IS UNDEAD. this could be a problem

solar: hey michael, how much does the horrific sin against god dog i drew look like this creature michael: [dice roll noises] about 50%.

michael: if anyone likes, they can make a nature check-- solar: ME MEMEMEMEME ME ME ME

its a bulette! aka a land shark. problem: they are not normally undead. this one is undead.

jorb: imagine if you could tame one of those and use it as a mount. leo: IT WOULD JUST DIG UNDERGROUND AND LEAVE YOU THERE

we are just calling it a weird dog

we're going to mail a letter to the heart of arvus. HEY, CHECK OUT THIS WEIRD DOG,

JORB FOUND ART OF A BABY BULETTE. WEIRD PUPPY!

solar: hey guys, check out this sick art of a bulette i found

silje kept a lookout for the weird dog but its just fucked off. goodbye, weird dog give it up for day 3!

man there's been like, three incinerations today in blaseball. what's up with that. I SWEAR IM MOSTLY PAYING ATTENTION its just been an eventful day in blaseball. also im wearing my garages bomber rn. jaylen is home wooOOOO the wind smells stinky. this is fine.

we're actively avoiding whatever combat michael keeps nudging at us bc we're carrying around an unconscious person and i SWEAR hes gonna throw something directly at us once he's done with our shenanigans

UHH MICHAEL ASKING FOR PASSIVE PERCEPTION LOL

huh. this place used to be inhabited? we're in the woods rn but there's some like, stone ruins? like, VERY ruins. like, not really any structures standing, but enough evidence to show there Were things. WE FOUND A STATUE charlie: i want to smash my face against the lore.

used to be a circle of standing stones, but most of em fell over or got overgrown. inside of the circle has been cleared, although v roughly-- ground's torn up statue is of fjolnir! warrior holding up a spear and shield. AH, THERE ARE CORPSES, a human got REAL fucked up here. one of the corpses is straight up impaled on fjolnir's spear. n ... not pog.

i am trying so, so hard to pay attention. but i also kinda wanna take a nap.

charlie: [stares at statue] [rolls a 4] i wonder if he had a dick.

okay so something rolled in, tore up the overgrowth inside the circle, and murdered a couple dudes. and was also super tall and human-adjacent. hrm.

oh my god why are we rolling so shit today. time to stealth away and hope we dont get casually dismembered

k: jorb's hair is so long... leo: K, PLEASE,

time for a break! i am very tired but im gonan see if i can push through a little further. nyx is petting his cat why do orangatangs look like that

first watch is thorne and sieron! have they even, like, talked thorne unhabby ): thorne's worried we were tresspassing when checking out the statue, meanwhile im thinking about that one time when sieron got bit by a groundhog

(oh my god this is from late 2018)

leomund's tiny hut, aka the anti-sea bear circle we are getting SO much mileage out of the tiny hut. SILJE HUMS A SONG WITH KALI cute........... FINALLY I HAVE ROLLED ABOVE A 14 wait no i rolled a 16 twice. anyway we are not dead

nearly at camp vengenace! boy howdy i hope camp vengeance didnt get burned down. AH FUCK TAURE IS UNCONSCIOUS SO WE CANT CAST FOR DETECT POISON kaepora nearly made us all shit ourselves but its okay he just saw some bison and thought it was cool Michael Is Consulting Several Tables

WHY DOES JORB'S CAMERA ZOOM LIKE THAT why am i hungry. i have so many questions

HEY, TALL GUY [smacks sieron]

camp vengeance looks better! like, nobody's Obviously Sick anymore, the medical tents arent overfilled, we did it! we saved the dayyyyyy time to report to ryder! taure's getting dropped off at the medical tent

man remember when charlie didnt wear pants

oh man, with taure unconscious charlie is now taking point with social interaction. wild. jk im making jorb do it bc im tired HAHA NAT 20 PERSUASION BC OF ME HELPIN SIERON man ryder is such a cock. he was totally ready to keep throwing troops at heaven's brazier to die until we managed to persuade him out of it. jorb: did we tell ryder about the vision? michael: you kinda just took a look at him and went STINKY BOY!

okay yeah anything that dies on arvus will just pop back up as undead. man, arvus sucks.

ryder: alright, dismissed. charlie: seeya, soldier boy! :D hahahahaha im gonna eat his knees.

SILJE NEEDS ENRICHMENT IN HIS ENCLOSURE

charlie: ive decided he sucks. silje: we've already arrived to that, you're late!

LMAO WE WALKED IN ON INGRID AND HER CRUSH they fuckin. nice. you go, you funky lesbian

jorb: we've got the tiny hut, we could go anywhere leo: we could go to SPACE! nyx: we could not go to space. leo: WITH A TINY HUT STAIRCASE, WE CAN,

we are 320 miles away from the spaceship that exists on arvus. nice.

michael: justin sees you-- roll a strength saving throw. leo: i cant wait to die! [rolls a 3] I AM CRUSHED BY MY DOG michael: he rolled a nat20.

BOSS ENCOUNTER: CHARLIE'S DOG (the small circle next to him is one of the medical tents.)

THORNE IS PACT OF THE GUN solar: PARRY THIS, YOU FUCKING CASUAL

sieron, to ingrid: seems like youve been doing well charlie: i punch sieron. sieron: sieron: the camp, of course.

man we have no idea if the heart of arvus is actually related to the prophecy or not. theres a Lot of stuff lining up, but not enough, and its hard to say how much of it couldve been literal?

solar & michael: [discussing exposition] me: [cracking up bc penn sent me a funny dsmp joke]

prophecies are weird.

charlie is just s she is just sitting here SILJE PLAYED CARDS REALLY GOOD AT ME nyx rolled a nat20 and took all my money

oh cool we can talk to yrel telepathically! time to hoist yrel. THIS IS SO SCUFFED thorne mentioned yrel and now we're trying to explain to ingrid that we have a magic talking snake charlie: I WANT TO GO HOME. thorne: we cant go, we have a GOD-KING to kill! "i think theyre insane, theyre talking to a snake" "ingrid, druids exist" "oh. im gonna go back to getting railed by my 7 foot tall girlfriend"

[rootiebaga]

nobody asked, i know, but heres my departments thus far! (with nicknames, of course)

note! i do use mods, one of them being the ultimate fashion corp mod from reddit, a mod that lets you keep your employees after you reset a run, and some other useful ones

also its under the cut because uh- long

control team! (aka the OGS! (because control team is the first department people unlock when starting a run))

morty (former employee)

-may the brave fool rest, gone, but not forgotten.

rootieee (captain)

-its, its my self insert what do i have to sa

paul

-the most boring in the facility (and the most sane one in the department,)

-just wants to do his job correctly.

-not much to say about him, really

maxim (morty’s replacement after he died, rest in piece morty, you were a brave hero, yet a little dumb after trying to fight a green dawn in the early runs i had)

-morty’s big bro, a little sad that morty died but he didn’t know all that much in the facility,

-takes his job too seriously

-usually chills in the main room alot,

shao

-an absolutely innocent baby, even if they some horrifying abnormalities, they would still think of them as cute

-just, likes being here, many friends for them!

-they also like hugs!

igoree (rip)

-the sleepy employee has come back! wowie

-still sleepy and also hungry,

-the one who doesn’t work all that much

-..”how did she.. die? did she just want to? what in the world happened there? is it because of that behaviour adjustment thing?”

“just forget about it and keep working,”

“but, paul im curious-”

“quiet.”

eden

-woooooo returning!

-one of the calmest people in the department

-probably wouldn’t even be phased by the effect [CENSORED] gives her if we had it

“hey uh, eden? i got something to tell you..”

“go on shao,”

“didn’t... something happen to you? h-how are you even-”

“hey hey, dont worry about that! just, make sure you stay safe, alright?”

information team! (aka the threeks! (named by tom, who is dead, an idiot, and couldn’t count))

tom (dead)

-an idiot

-okay moving on

ryn

-the only one with aleph gear, seriously (edit (draft edition): hes the first one with aleph gear after i got nothing there’s gear, the second being daniel)

-chill once you get to know him,

-likes protecting others with his gear, since, you know

mason

-usually anxious, he doesn’t mean to be though!

-”alright calm down.. never mind this is not the time to calm dOW-”

-probably likes ryn??

eugene

-a little bit crazy, yet kind nonetheless! 

-hi

-just wants some friends, unfortunately not many people are willing to befriend her due to her kinda crazy nature

-basically someone who cares for everyone in the facility, y e e

(also whats known as a “bow kinnie” to the control team captain) /j

emma

-looks really kind until you try to talk to her, shes an asshole is what im trying to say

-likes to bite things with the sharp teeth she has, because why not

-absolute chaos

ray

-i dont know why she exists, shes just there

safety team! (aka the wind wielders (named by isabel, cause he likes flutes))

isabel

-brother of gregory

-the second innocent bean,,

-likes playing the flute whenever hes done for the day

-i accidentally gave him crumbling armour’s gift

gregory

-brother of isabel

-prefers acting over playing instruments,

-a bit more serious,

neville (prefers nelville)

-an absolutely tired employee, they just like waiting till everyone is done for the day to go home

-they’d be at home if they weren’t forced by their friend to work here

-hates everything right now

ramirez

-the joyful friend

-wanted to work here because of the people here, so many unique faces!

-likes all things unique, she usually loves trying different things that look nothing alike from the things she tried before

khanna

-the mute employee in the facility, uses notes to communicate

-another sane one, yet still kinda nervous

-a bean

training team! (aka “nobody here is fine” (named for the fact that almost everyone is very nervous, and then we got firenze))

hana

-the one thats sad most of the time

-really helpful for when it comes to working on abnormalities!

-gregory has a crush on them (why would you say tha)

sobin

-before you think of him as edgy, hes not all that edgy personality wise, he just likes the aesthetic

-hes just a really chill and friendly dude

-yes, he can see more with the e.g.o outfit hes wearing, it is pretty strange to him though

firenze

-the narcissist, he really thinks hes the king of this department

-hes wrong its actually hana thats the captain of this department

-nobody likes him

daniel

-actually used to be a clerk! the face was a little different then before but hey, thats fine

-the third pure bean

-hes a really good friend to have!

susan

-what can i say about her?

-well i mean

-shes susan

central command team! (aka where is everyone? (due to there being not many agents here))

geminiano

-the most sane one in the facility (while being the dead inside captain)

-really good when it comes to tech

-”oh sh** did anyone check on mika?”

charlotte

-the bald employee, doesn’t mind being bald, that just means she can take care of the “your bald” abnormality

-”ignore the second mouth i got on my armour, please”

-plays vibe games on roblox

mika

-absolutely. chill

-doesn’t know where he’s going most of the time

-the one that works on child of galaxy everytime

gimtteol

-really bad sight, she doesn’t mind it

-kalm

-nobody can spell her name right

arang (prefers ayang)

-you thought sobin was the edgelord huh? think again

-easily annoyed.

-also was a clerk before

john

-the newbie!

-hes trying okay?

-hes still a little nervous but thats fine!

disciplinary team! (aka f**k (also nicknamed “why do we have red” due to me choosing little red riding hooded mercenary every run where theres disciplinary))

ara

-angy

-another person that takes their job way too seriously but doesn’t mean to

-not really that rude sometimes, but most of the time she can be a bit of an asshole, probably because of something that happened in the past, nobody wants to talk about it though

-lesbian

camille

-has a slightly torn snake tongue, it makes them not able to speak, they mostly make noises like growling,

-nobody knows why their like this, they just are, but dont be afraid to talk to them if you need anything! they usually write what their trying to say

-the expert, especially at finding things, even if they cant speak

tim

-another returning employee! wooooo

-still dead inside, but feeling a little bit better!

-might be the oldest out of everyone

welfare team! (aka “sleep tight” (nobody knows why its called that)

space

-very calm, most of the time doesn’t mind anything, but still does get a little nervous at times

-nobody knows why her eyes are always closed, (ara specified that her eyes look like a galaxy that can only be opened for a couple of seconds because if she opens them for more than a few seconds they’ll start to glitch, when others see it happening, it looks like the galaxy is becoming more like an image other than a real galaxy, parts of the galaxy become misplaced and reverted back to their original place quickly repeatedly (kinda like the select thing in paint, usually in the shape of the rectangular selection though) and parts of the galaxy turn into static and back very quickly and repeatedly. we she sees it happening her vision becomes the same as how other people see the galaxy when it starts glitching, randomly shifting from original place to different place, or from static back to normal, some ominous, glitchy sounds have been heard when this is happening aswell, (i thought of this because of a small dream(?) i had when i was in a certain state of almost about to fall asleep, maybe i was napping i dont really know, it was a strange dream, i dont remember much of it which is expected, i think it was something about discord and some sort of strange thing that had a little timer on it, and after it was done the thing it was in started glitching, the background it was in and even the button that used to be the timer was glitching, i heard some sounds that were glitching a little (it looked like those screens you see when someone’s streaming something on there,) and then i woke up, yeah kinda weird,)

-like eugene, cares for everyone! especially ara, since space herself is the one who helps ara through tough times

courtney

-gets bored alot, just wants to work on the difficult abnormalities

-really snarky

johnson

-a smartass

-yet still a little friendly if they trust you

-i’ll upgrade them soon dont worry (i have upgraded them/him dont worry)

,

woop!

i’ll probably update this soon, but in the meantime have this, sorry for being dead lately, on both this and my sideblog

[newbi-ginning]

More of my bistory... (bi-story?)

So... why now?

(This took a long time to finish, a lot of days coming back to it to add or reframe something. If you think that someone could benefit, please share this with them.)

I’m ok with not getting the clue until now, late bloomer (flower out of season or obit for old fashioned underwear? you decide) and all. But why did it take this long to figure it out? Part of it was the culture I grew up in, and part of it is that I was so attracted to the opposite sex that I didn’t have the bandwidth to notice guys.

When I was a little kid, like kindergarten age, I had two really good friends, we’ll call them Jack and Jill. Jack was my friend that I hung out with all the time, and had sleepovers with, but I crushed hard on Jill. I didn’t save points from some ridiculous school fundraiser to buy a pretty necklace for Jack... but I did for Jill.

There was one playing doctor episode with another boy, which has always creeped me out when I think about it. I don’t know where he got the idea, was it his invention or something taught to him? I made a point of not staying in contact with him... and he wouldn’t have been my type, regardless. Creepy.

Middle school, no guy crushes, piles of girl crushes, nothing interesting so let’s skip ahead. High school, still all girl crushes, all girlfriends, probably 95% straight wet dreams, started a collection of porn mags, all very straight... except for the bisexual section of Penthouse Letters. I mean, I paid for it, I’m gonna read every damn page looking for something to give me an excuse to jack off over. Most followed a trope of being at an orgy or couples swap and finding a dick conveniently in mouth’s reach to suck, that it was fun, writer might do it again, no big deal.

So it wasn’t that I didn’t know it was an option, but in the throes of the gonadal madness called puberty, Amok Time... the light coming from girls and women was a supernova, but from other boys and men, just a candle. This moth was heading towards the brighter of the two.

College, not much changed. The signal from WOMN-FM was 100k watts and five by five. The KOCK station was barely 50 watts and was on the other side of the Mississippi. A bit of that broadcast might sneak through on a clear night and remind my brain to sneak a guy into a sex dream.

Some guy friends were a bit more interesting than others. But nothing overpowered my interest in women, especially when I was in a relationship with one. Boobs are fucking hypnotic when you have permission to play with them! And when you don’t, the key to not being hypnotized by them is to not stare. Don’t make eye contact with the breasts, make eye contact with the person.

Grad school... A couple guys were a bit more than interesting, but that was it. I got married, and my world was focused on Her. Its not like I didn’t find other people attractive, I found some of my classmates to be incredibly attractive, one coworker was a bombshell and a half, but I never felt drawn to cheat. Instead, I had a lot of a really good friends. (This is also when I am pretty sure a couple was feeling me out for a threesome.)

Damn, but grad school is stressful. Thankfully, we found good doctors that worked with both of us to find medications that helped us cope with the mental illnesses that grad school brought to the fore. Depression. Anxiety. For me, my PTSD had put me in a constant state of hypervigilance, caused me to freeze and withdraw when my brain responded to anything it considered a threat, neglecting my research duties, my responsibilities as a spouse and partner, and broke my sleep up with waking from nightmares where I was being physically attacked by throwing kicks and punches before I was fully aware that I was safe, it had been a dream, and that isn’t a good thing when you are sleeping next to someone.

Clonazepam helped a hell of a lot with sleep disturbances, but it wiped out most of my memories of dreams. I happily exchanged both nightmares and sexy dreams for pleasant and restful sleep. But every now and then, one slipped in. Some were sexy and fun, some were horrible, but they were both rare.

Without medication and therapy, I wouldn’t have finished my PhD. I would probably be divorced and remarried (probably several times, like most of my siblings. My whole family needs help, but most won’t seek it out. I’ve tried to encourage them to do so... You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make it stay in the kitchen. (That was a joke. Sorry.)

And I definitely don’t think I would be in as good of a place as I am now to deal with this change so easily and healthfully. Bi people have higher rates of mental illness than lesbian or gay people, so I was ahead of the curve. I was already diagnosed and receiving treatment, and I had learned a lot of ways to control intrusive thoughts, whether they were self abuse... or just homoerotic. Now I don’t have to push the homoerotic ones aside. I can choose to set them aside if they are inappropriate, or just smile to myself.

Graduation, a couple “real” jobs, some world travel, and a trend starts to show up in my sex dreams, sometimes wet, sometimes just sexy. Some were a bit kinky, most were straight, but a lot of them included me sucking cock. How is that straight? Most of the time, I was sucking my own dick (which, as a teenager, I had already determined was impossible for me). That was fun and it felt good to do to myself what had only been done to me. Other times, I was sucking someone else’s dick. That was very hot, too. That felt really good, too.

This is when I had some of my first really strong guy crushes. We would be hanging out, and if we were alone, I’d want to make out with them, or push them back in a chair to go down on them. WTF, brain?

🧠 What the heart wants, the heart wants.

❤️ Don’t blame me, jackass, I’m just here to pump some iron (rich blood)!

A couple of these crushes were on openly gay men, so potential openness probably played a part to my attraction, and that was probably why I had such intense feelings for them. I would just want to kiss them, fool around a bit, see what happened. I basically told my brain to shut it, and moved on.

🧠 You should listen to me. I know you. I have your best interests at heart.

Bullshit. If you had our best interests at heart, you wouldn’t torment me over things that happened 30 years ago.

❤️ Don’t bring me into this! I have one job, and that is pumping! CARDIO, BABY! WOOOOOO!

I also deconverted, realized that I no longer believed in a god or anything supernatural, so I have no reason to think these lusty thoughts are shameful. My wedding vows were always to Her, and still are. It was important to me then that we were married in a church. Now, that is just a detail in the most wonderful days of my life.

If you are thinking of leaving religion or already have, the Recovering from Religion group can help you deal with any trauma you experienced in religion, fears or guilt from the religion you have left, being shunned, or are facing social pressure from your friends. You can find them on the Recovering from Religion website, social media, or by phone (1-844-368-2848, which is, clever them, 1-8-I-DOUBT-IT).

If I had the same feelings about a woman or NB person, I would have told my brain to shut up, I’d get back to that later, and it went into the spank bank. The guy crushes were just suppressed, and they found their expression in my dreams. but now, I recognize that this is a valid and real part of my life.

There are a lot of things I want to try, but I don’t know that I need to try them. If it becomes a need, we will need to reevaluate our boundaries. We have a different relationship now compared to what we had a year ago, ten years ago, or even twenty. This year has already brought a big change in who I am, and this year will probably include some more changes. Ten years from now, I don’t know what our relationship will look like... but I want to be with Her, because She has helped me grow so much already. When you have something this good...

The simple answer to “Why now?” is I don’t really know. I just really preferred women that I didn’t notice that I liked guys, and when I had those feelings, I treated them like an unwanted, intrusive thought. It took me this long to figure it out because it took me this long.

Is a puddle designed to fit into a pothole, or does it simply flow to fit the hole that it is in? (apologies to the late Douglas Adams) Pretty clearly, it fits the hole. My life may have had the shape of a bisexual man all along, but I just didn’t notice it.

I’m happy to be bisexual now, instead of in high school, where I would have been bullied even more than I already was. If I had realized this in high school, I would have survived and found my way.

College would have been similarly difficult. College, I would have had friends that would have supported me.

Grad school was enough all on its own. But now, I can do this. I can be me. Grad school... Fuck grad school. If I could handle that, I can handle damn near anything. I would have been ok. A bit more bruised, maybe, but I’m here now, and its because I always believed that this could get better.

And it did.

I’m in a very good place.

I’m Bisexual today.

I was Bisexual then, even if I didn’t know it.

I’ll be Bisexual tomorrow.

[cold-iron-burns]

We've come to a consensus.

Everyone present at the time of this writing will do their best to inform the ones who need the support of a gentle delivery of current events.

The ayes have it.

YOU WOULD HAVE A PARLIAMENT AS YOUR COMMUNICATION SPACE

what's wrong with that? if we all actually do our jobs, so many more of us will be represented

THATS A LOGICAL ARGUEMENT, BUT WHO IS REALLY GETTING REPRESENTED

-wait WhAt?! HoW mAnY oF yOu ArE tHeRe

Oh honey, more than you will ever know. It's gonna be okay. We found each other and that's what's important. We're gonna start introducing ourselves,

*or at least, becoming more clear*

I love all of you so much, thank you so much for letting me in, for being patient with me. I think I'm the host? what iss. @ -o{oo#t?

started dissociating, it felt physically painful. the documenter.

And the enchanting lady is? *turns to tip his hat and wink at the camera* A -name-? Do you honestly think I could have settled on any name? Any singular--yes, Zed is going to sleep. I'm very fond of him. Attracted to him? He is my Adonis. Every inch of his body is particularly unique to his position in spacetime. There will never again be a Zed in which he appears, feels, smells and tastes exactly the same as he does at this exact moment, continued, forever and so on, as far as you know, infinitely. The Philosopher.

Wait, no, the Philanthropist

Wait wait NO, I stand by The Philosopher (for now)

[hold up, are y'all tellin me -- you c'n cawl me your White Trash Sweetheart, get rid of that bracket there, that's for the Host now

she doesnt know if she's the host or not, wibblywoooooo~ teen punk brat? aww man, fuck you you stupid piece of shit

hiiii yeah hi, I'm post-apocalypse punk Mayor (yes, you can call me that, but its aspirational) wow very humble -- golf commentater (now based on ugh this is important remember the actress' name, you look stupid, don't just stand there staring off into space, GET BACK TO WORK

OH YEAH, hi BiTcH --oh he's gone, that's -too- bad. well, as I'm here anyway, we should get to know one another. I'm "sassy black woman" because you're ashamed people will think you're using me just for drama and that's pretty fuckin racist--

I'm Final Form Chie. I started as so many of our seeds do, a poor slave girl, who loses her virginity yeah it's okay to make shortcuts

FOCUS

she gains skills, proves useful to the master, destroys the master (sometimes with kindness sometimes literally depending on what we need at the time)

[I didn't know it was that specific]

I'm mixed, actually, but I'm inspired SO MUCH by Claws. FUCKING REPRESENTATION FINAL--

>nope nope nope, shut it down<

John Cleese?

not exactly. A bit like the entire cast of monty python rolled into one. I'm from the countryside, but I can't say for sure where

woooooo we almost lost her there. she was panicking about losing this productive high, but she pulled through and FOUND THAT RUBI. Small Town Beauty Queen. I don't find it insulting if it helps you remember me. I started as Fern of Charlotte's Web. I keep that mournful lullaby for you. It really changed your path, dear heart. I don't become Miss America or anything, I'm too old by that time. But I love my family so much. You have so much anger

Yes, that's right, Dearie. Maiden, Mother, Crone. We don't think it was intentional but we like the power we have when we cooperate. Yes, we guide ... oh honey, don't cry, it's gonna be okay. no, n-n-no, no, you don't h-h-have to oh no, I really don't want to be here, I wasn't sure what to wear before, oh, I've gotten comfortable and I'm stuttering less. No, I don't think people who stutter in real life have this drastic of

oh, oh my. oh no, I'm still Achates.

Does it really surprise you? Chie and Amaury loved me so much that they couldn't bear to part entirely. They feel loyal to answer when you call on them when recalled in memories; they consider it their duty to fight in sharing our stories! With Pictures!

I don't need pictures

Don't you? you need to sleep, you're exhausted and you have an appointment tomorrow. Please go the fuck to bed. Slightly Extra (okay kinda actually just really ~(EXTRA)~

okay how do I... Ah, I got it. I'm the lucky early gen x mom you both wish you had -- no, we are not combined, sugar tits.

I'm the hardass 70s-80s mom you would have had if you're life was a movie. Well, technically I can mask as any kind of 70s-80s media mom (one of y'all--us! oh, yes, i hear you. I want you to know I would protect you, Kevin. MOM UGH

keep going - the sprites (soot or rainbow, we shift to suit your needs. we might steal your shoes. we are only some of the fae court. crossover unknown cannot compute - PLEASE HURRY. GOOD. I AM THE ROBOT OF THE 80s and --scratch that record

I'm that part of you who knew she couldn't look like Zach Morris and wanted so badly just to be a little boy. You were SO CONNECTED with the host when I was there?

wait, I'm the host

no, you--you are now because writing takes concentrating which you are losing quickly. Hello! I'm Sassy Progressive Upper Class CONCENTRATE, DAMMIT. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. I don't care if I sound like -your-mom. Someone has to be the mom around here!

Someone has to be the mom around here.

Who wrote it?

you are high af.

keep letting your eyes go out of focus, yes you're getting sleepy, think how nice the bed will feel on that aching body. She deserves some rest, the old girl.

My body is a cow? wait, there's more. she shifts to being omniscient for scenes, if a cowsona (oh, yes, Buana and Gaushala and Pirwa ... Gaushala still has an arrow in the heart.

Yes, WoW Chie (Chiela will do.). I was here while you built your confidence to try... yes, dear, you really should sleep. TO TRY GETTING CATRIN AND RIAIN A HOME AFTER being abandoned when some of you lost the "spark" or whatever with Michael. I orchestrated some of the setup. you don't need to know my name. I'm both Italian immigrant/WHOA DO NOT EVEN CONNECT THE JEWISH COMMUNITY TO--NO, We Dont...*clears throat, drinks water*. No, you're not wealthy like Ms. Maisel, -we-, sorry, sometimes I have to pretend. Speaking of pretending, no, kid, I'm not as funny or talented as all the wonderful Jewish actresses (yeah yeah, Italian-American you, whatever his+her names are, we'll get to you later)

oh nooooo they're not sure if they'll fit the stereotype if they get loud but they wanna

yeah, sure kid, we sound a lot alike. we exist in a liminal space in which America (and new york city) (and every big american metropolis)... we can all celebrate our differences

It's alright, you just need to focus. I'm 90s Successful Well Paying Professional (I can be in the late 80s WA>T)

you're just stating tropes you stupid bitch

whale!

MISS PIGGY

LOOK AT HER FAT FINGERS

remember when you -hold on- hold on for me, my love lovely?

~do you wanna be my lover, gotta get wit my friends, make it last forever cause that's the way it is"

some of us havent learned to swype yet, fuuuuuck. you're popular--but not top tier popular 4th grade 4H champion with all the ribbons. you'll grow up (yes it's hard, i want to be a teacher one day. I'm based on Angie. I'm the imaginary life you might have led if your family wasn't so difficult. We should give them credit, everyone's trying their best. Oh, I can take on mom duties when I need, we also have kids in our future. We live in Lagrange (my husband and I, at this point in the line) but we don't make as much as our parents yet, though. Yet. Yes, I know what it feels like to feel content but maybe have some (or a lot of) wanderlust in life. I'm ten or so years older than you, so while our dedication to staying in Lorain County is important to the values we wish to impart on our children (yes we are Christian. We love Sharon with all our heart and we're so glad (there's a small congregation of us, maybe enough to fill a quiet one room cottage on Sunday, God willing. I'm inspired by the Amish women I see selling their wares and replicate "Amish" methods when making food for my family (I'm good friends with The Baker. We watch Steven Universe with you! We're so excited for the movie and hope we get to talk to you about it! I showed it to Chip and Carol, well I keep talking with them about it and they agreed to get around to watching it with me. I want to be a good ally. I'm, you know, only a little bi. I know that's probably inappropriate--oh- okay, oh, my, oh WOW are my hormones nuts. I'm pretty enough but nerdy enough that I'm kinda in a weird middle tier of popularity. Haha, oh, that's funny. I'm part Sunday (we miss her! some of us are so jealous of her we want to claw her comfortable boomer life from her hands.

That's awful. Shame on you. Suffering is relative.

SHE HASN'T EVEN SUFFERED A FRACTION OF WHAT I SUFFERED

Oh yes. You are the raw emotion of what the Host(?) feels when listening to Jekyll & Hyde, but only the certain version claws at our hearts

We salute the departed Host.

I miss her. Many of us do. But she crumbled under the pressure of knowing too much. She remembered too much before she was ready.

Parliament: We [redacted for time] ...salute her memory. She fought well, carried her armor, was ready to take on anything and change the world, even if in a small way.

She's Not Dead.

sprites: {hushed whispers to avoid being heard by parliament} {WAIT, NO, WE ARE NOT THE HOUSE OF COMMONS}

there's a lot of you when you get mad.

@@@@@@ Angie no, please don't put me to bed. I'm gonna be a computer genius - I mean, maybe not genius and did you know colleges could pay you to get a Bachelor's degree, it's called "scholarships", I mean, this changes -everything-!

I love you, Cameron. I came first, but you gave me a perfect form. I help the others feel calm. Community is punk, but is corporate entanglement the final destination-- hey, wait a minute, I'm not done talking!

whoa bitch. I mean, we have to mention joe. want to be him, want to fuck him, His story, too, is tangible to me. maybe we're a package deal now, ha! I'll try to remember the good times more than the bad, for the health of all of us.

SO SAY WE ALL

wait, what the fuck are you trying to say

hey, it's cool, it's cool.

nah it aint cool

STOP IT STOP FIGHTING

let's think about date sugar

Ah. That was a good distraction. but we really must be off to bed.

is this productive?

Love, it's okay to be sad about losing the real Ben. \It's okay to have any kind of feeling at all.

Ladies and gents and nonbinaries and everyone else, please at least get up into the bed to think about flickin the bean. More like taking a bush-hog to a lil baby bean sprout, but whatever. let the rest of us lie down.

night y'all!

:)