#sorry it bothers u so much that i exist <3 but quite frankly i dont think other queer peoples identities should be any of ur buisness

[build-a-stim]

very much not gentle reminder that this blog is not a safe space for terfs. im transgender and will always support and stand with trans people. terfs are not and will never be welcome here.

[unkooked]

absolute.

In which love isn’t your strong suit and Jungkook is a philosophy student who believes in fate for the first time in his life. 6,172 words. 

[jk is a cute and smart asshole and u are too tired™ for his shit. but u love him i guess lol]

notes: i started writing this in november and finally finished it. a lil angsty, fluffy, fun, etc. i really tried my best to mimic real emotion, as well as struggle. sometimes it’s not easy to give into love. sometimes love is slow. sometimes people change u for the better. this fic gets better!! dont stop after the first part that’s the worst one lol. it’s long but idk maybe you’ll like it, give it a chance :)) 

        What began as the simplest spark of intrigue was rapidly beginning to warp itself within your thoughts and infiltrate your sense of inner peace, not to mention it was spreading with the intensity and conceit of a wild fire. God, you really hadn’t signed up for this.

***

1.

You had seen him once.

The day had been groggier than ever before; skies that mimicked all that was dull and bland showered the ground beneath with a potency that seemed absolutely endless. The air was damp, and cold, and gut-wrenching, and though the city seemed to be screaming for even the smallest fraction of salvation, you found yourself in a certain sense of tranquility. And perhaps your day would’ve continued its soothing calm, that is, had you not decided to wear flip-flops on your commute to work.

“Mom, why’s that lady wearing pink slippers? She looks like a clown.” The voice of the little boy on the subway could he heard from across the train, and as soft giggles escaped the mouths of those around you, what some people may consider irrationality began to kick in.

           You’d woken up at 5am, for God’s sake—you were already running late from the long trial and error you’d suffered through with the new makeup set you’d bought. As simple as it sounded, you were tired. And the flip-flops were comfortable. To wear real shoes meant putting on a pair of socks, and high heels would only result in endless groaning and a marathon of foot cramps. Really, you were just trying to protect yourself. And what was wrong with that? Couldn’t people judge others from the ankles up? Wasn’t this the home of the free? Whatever happened to national security?

           You couldn’t imagine what horrid expression was etched upon your face, and quite frankly, you didn’t want to. But it must have been something truly revolutionary as the young man across from you couldn’t seem to control his shameless snickering.

This is when the irrationality seemed to be coming back to you. Maybe if you just ignored him, he’d piss off. Looking at him meant acknowledging his existence. Looking at him meant losing. But then he laughed again—and your eyes couldn’t help but catch a glimpse at his shadowy figure. And as much as you wanted your curiosity to yield just this once, you felt almost at ease that it hadn’t.

He was breathtaking . . . and annoying. Mostly annoying.

His eyes were sultry and dark in colour, the way the corners of his mouth dipped upward slightly was adorable. Had the loud laughter not fallen once again from his lips, perhaps you would have found yourself staring at him for eternity. Or, that is, until your stop.  You tried to avert your eyes, but suddenly the details of the whole situation started getting fuzzy, and his laugh might have been annoying, but damn, his smile was adorable. Handsome asshole.

Your mind was screaming at you. Look away. Look away. Look away.

But how could you tear your eyes away from a man that seemingly embodied both the fatality of eloquence and the beauty of self assurance. His presence was admittedly mesmerizing, and you would be lying if you said he didn’t have all your attention.

“Angry?” His voice rang softy.

You looked upward. Did he just say something? The sound overthrew your thoughts. Why were you angry again?

“Are you angry?” He repeated with a hint of amusement. “You know, at that kid?”

Right. That’s why. The brat.

“Incredibly.” You weren’t thinking. “This is slander.”

“Slander?” He was incredulous, and you were an idiot. “He’s like 6.”

Great. Now it looked like you hated kids.

“Yeah-Well… maybe he shouldn’t be saying things like that.”

He threw his head back against his seat and let out the smallest of laughs. Was it crazy to say it sounded melodic?

“You’re funny.”

“You’re perfect.” The words had left your mouth before your brain could even register the repercussions. His face had started with confusion, but was quickly twisting into something reminiscent of a smile. Before he could even ask, you leapt out of your seat and rushed toward the subway door. He seemed like he was going to follow, you shouted before he could even try.

“Sorry! This is my stop!” You were lying of course. But you couldn’t let him bother you.

Getting off one stop early and walking the rest of the way to work wasn’t nearly as overwhelming as suffocating in the discomfort of that conversation. For the first time in ten minutes, it felt like you could breathe. The subway was confined embarrassment, an utter death zone. But Manhattan was as Manhattan always is in the fall; filled to the brim and drowning in rain.

If you were lucky, maybe you would drown too.

***

2.

“You’re being dramatic.” Jessie etched mockingly, driving the night forward with a phrase you felt like you had heard for the umpteenth time.

“I’m not, Jess! I’m serious! It was completely embarrassing; I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Professor Frouckner went off on me because I was so late. I ran to class in flip flops. During a torrential downpour. Don’t you understand the pain I just went through? I-I could have frostbite for God sake. Or, or died, even!” At this point, you were flailing your arms in front of her face. There was a point to be made. Jessie just threw her head back laughing and rolled her eyes.

She reached across the table and grabbed your hand.  

“Yeah. Okay, so 1. You’re drunk. 2. You’re crazy. And 3, I’m gonna have to ask you to turn it down, sweetheart. Because that’s not at all how frostbite works.”

“I’m a law student; I don’t need to know the nitty gritty details on frostbite, okay? Hop off my dick.”  

“Wow. He changed you!” Jess replied in between giggles. You pursed your lips and took another swig of the drink in front of you. “What are you, [Y/N], a twelve year old boy? “Hop off my dick”, who the fuck says stuff like that? Are you okay? I’m concerned.”

The club was new and hot and bustling with students from all over campus, and therefore, the music was so loud, it was credulously easy tuning out Jess’ mom lecture.

“Maybe he drugged you,” her voice droned on. “Did he pass you a mysterious liquid?”

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes, and before you could even begin to respond to the utter nonsense she seemed to be spewing, you saw the one person that had left you so mortified to begin with. The exact person you had gone out with Jess to forget about. Irony is a bitch.

A small gasp left your mouth as your throat began to grow dry. Immediately, you averted your gaze to the utensils on the table and pulled her in closer.

“Jess, stop talking. Now!” You whisper shouted, trying to hide your face from the intrusive stranger. Why was he here? Did he want to make your life hell? Did God think this was a funny trick?

“And now you’ve become rude too!” She continued. “Wow. I really hate this guy. Who does he think he is, honestly, he’s completely taken over your persona-,” before she could go on, you grabbed her hand and gestured behind her.

“He’s here!” You groaned aloud.

“He’s what?!” Jessie whipped her head around and gasped. She turned back to you with wide eyes and a wider smile to match. “He’s hot? You didn’t tell me, he was hot! Ohmygod, this is exactly what you need. A cute boy to distract you from your life problems!”

“Jessie, he is my life problem! Now stop looking at him! He’s gonna notice us!” You replied sharply, using your margarita to cover your face.

“I can’t help it. He’s so good looking. Why aren’t you more excited? This is fate, [Y/N]. Did you read your romance horoscope this morning? This is your man! How are you not gawking at him right now?”

“Jessie. Stop. Staring,” you grit through clenched teeth.

His eyes flickered to your table and you nearly felt your heart drop to the pits of your stomach.

“He can tell! He can totally tell! Look somewhere else, you jerk!”

“God, you’re so dramatic! The only way he’d be able to see us right now if I stood up and shouted at him from across the room.”

Her face twisted into a crooked smile and immediately you felt your stomach clench and your eyes widen.

“Jessie,” you tried to reason. Key word, tried. “Please don’t do this.”

“You, my friend, need to face your fears!”

“Jess, please, please don’t, don’t do it plea-,” your pleas had started, only to be ignored and replaced with the loud booming of Jessie’s voice over the music.

“Hey! Subway boy! Look over here! It’s her! From the Subway! This morning?! You remember? You’re cute! Come over here!”

You tried to jump from the chair and make a run for it but Jess grabbed onto your hand a second faster. “You’re unbelievable,” you hissed.

“You’re gonna love me for this one day. The day I introduced you to your husband!” She had a dopey smile on her face. You felt like jumping into a volcano.

“I already met him.” You shot back in frustration. “And it was bad enough the first time!”

“Well, you better shake that off, because he’s coming this way.”

“You’ve got to be joking.” You peered through the hair on your face and knitted your eyebrows in agony.

“And, I, am gonna head towards the bar. I’ll leave you two love birds alone, you know,” she winked. “To . . . get to know each other a little better.”

“Jess. Don’t leave me here. I will kill you. I’m serious. Not an ounce of me is joking right now. I will literally-,”  

“Erhhh.” She interrupted. “Wrong answer. I’ll see you later babe! The bar is calling!”

Before the string of curse words were even registered in your brain, you felt the smallest of taps on your shoulder.

Great. Now, this, was going to be an experience.

***

3.

“Hi.”

You gulped before turning around.

As you met eyes, you almost felt your voice catch itself in your throat again. He looked just as beautiful as he had this morning, his hair playfully swayed over his forehead and his eyes continuously peering into your own. While you seemed to be feeling apprehensive and unsure, he seemed to emit the absolute opposite.

In fact, he seemed to be glowing.

His eyes were wide and warm, welcoming even. His lips were turned upwards, adorning that same irritating smirk you had caught a glimpse of earlier in the day. There was nothing to say about his appearance other than the blatant obvious. He was absolutely gorgeous.

“H-hi,” you drew out, slowly. Your stomach was turning in its anxious wake, but also, you realized, excitement.  

“I’m Jungkook.” He reached his hand out.

Handshake? Who handshakes? That’s just weir-

“Or perfect. I mean, you can call me that if you like it better.” He quipped with a smug smile stretched across his face. You wanted to punch it off. Or kiss him. Either, or.

“You know,” the confidence in your voice surprised even yourself. “I thought you were handsome for about two seconds just now.”

The small smirk on his lips began to grow larger as he raised a single brow back at you.         

 “Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah.” You repeated, crossing your arms and leaning back into the loft chair.

“What changed?”

You scrunched up your nose for dramatic effect. Because, clearly, theatrics were always important. You tilted your face slightly to the left. Jungkook waited in obvious anticipation, watching him squirm was almost amusing.

“You opened your mouth.”

Jungkook feigned hurt. He pretended to wince and held a hand to his chest, all whilst trying to shake off his laughter.

“Ouch!” He exclaimed. “You’re really out for blood, here, aren’t you? Are you always this . . .,” he struggled to find the right word.

“Witty?” You posed. “Hilarious? Eccentric? Creative? I think you’re definitely looking for creative.”

“Hmm. I was actually thinking bitchy.” He shrugged. Then he cracked that annoying smirk. God, you were really starting to hate that.

“Me? I’m a bitch? You’re the bitch!”

And that’s when he started laughing hysterically.

“Why are you laughing? You think this is funny, huh? You just call girls over; call them bitches and you feel happy with yourself?”

He put a finger up in his defense. “Actually, babe, you called me over here.”

Now, that, crossed a line.

“Don’t call me babe.” You grit. Who the fuck did this guy think he was?

“Chill out,” he rolled his eyes. “It’s a term of endearment. Have you ever heard of that word? You know, love, compassion, empathy? Are you familiar with any of those concepts?”

“Shut up, you asshole! I know love, okay? I’m not a dear person in your life, so-,” hop off my dick? “So just lay off.” You finished.

He nodded. “Yeah, well, not yet anyway.”

You felt like scoffing into oblivion. “Oh, you think you’re smooth, huh? You think you can just walk in here and say some douche-bag line you’ve prepared and it’s just gonna work out and I’m just gonna fall in love with you? Are you insa-,” before the final syllable left your mouth, Jess had already barged herself into the conversation.

“How’s it going lovebirds?” She chirped loudly, glaring at you with an intensity you’ve never quite seen before.

“Amazing.”

“Terrible.”

“Alright,” she clapped. “That’s what I like to hear!”

Jungkook moved toward Jess and put a single hand on her shoulder. He cracked a smile at you then looked back at her. “You know, I think your friend is really falling for me.”

“I’m going to PUNCH YOU-,” Jess clamped a hand over your mouth and began laughing awkwardly, threatening with her gaze alone whilst Jungkook stayed snickering in the corner.

“Don’t worry about her, she gets a little carried away when she’s drunk.” Jess was trying to diffuse the situation as much as she could, an attempt to put Jungkook at ease and save her friend’s reputation.

Little did she know, Jungkook wasn’t in distress. Not at all, quite frankly.

In fact, he was amused. This night had been more eventful than any night he’d had in the past couple weeks, most of which, were being spent preparing for his philosophy final he’d taken this morning. He’d seen a girl this morning on the way to his exam, a girl wearing ridiculously hideous pink flip flops. It had been enough to make him crack a smile and forget the weight on his shoulders that seemingly did not falter. For a few minutes, it had felt like his sole purpose was to sit there and laugh at her, as incredibly moronic as it sounded. But then again, he was taking philosophy. Analyzing life had singlehandedly take over his life. And this, as bizarre as it was, felt something reminiscent of a good omen. Maybe he was dreaming. But then again, dreams were good, weren’t they?

So when Jess awkwardly tried to mend the pieces of their chaotic conversation, he could only smile. And this time, it wasn’t his cheap and snarky way of making her blood boil. Rather, it was a sentiment of his curiosity. He didn’t know what would become of this, but he was more than willing to find out. This, her, it was something worth his attention. It was something that would blossom: for better or worse, at this point, he couldn’t tell. But he couldn’t help but be invested.

Jungkook wanted nothing more than to burst out laughing at her unfaltering insult slinging and boldly express his admiration for her; he wanted to tell her he liked this. That is, whatever this was. But something told him his growing optimism would be forced to undergo a series of pessimistic trials, i.e., her.

He liked her. He knew it. He didn’t want to believe in heavenly signs from the universe; he didn’t believe in love at first sight or in destiny or even soul mates, for that matter. Those things weren’t real, to him. Those were idealisms, thoughts, beliefs, they could be nurtured and mirrored and amplified, but they weren’t tangible. But this was something different. The quickening of his pulse was real, the escalades in his stomach were real, and the constant scrutinizing of what he said or what he did was real. To Jungkook, this wasn’t just an empty call from the universe meant to send a message. It was like a force of energy that beckoned him to take things a step further and pushed him to take action. He was more sure now than ever, that this, was a brutal awakening for was to come in the near future.

And so, he would wait.

He would play along. He would be the guy he needed to. He would do whatever it took to carry through this relationship and allow it to flourish the way it needed. Because this was deserving. Not to mention, annoying the shit out of her found itself to be an extremely entertaining past time.

Jungkook kept his smile tight. “Don’t worry about it.” He was quick to respond though his thoughts resonated somewhere else, somewhere deeper and distant. “I can’t judge the unstable, can I?” Then he winked.

“Unstable?” She bellowed incredulously.  “Do you ever shut up? Were you given love as a child?”

Jungkook wanted to throw his head back and laugh at the girl’s coherently bizarre behaviour, but the thought of getting decked in the face wasn’t so appealing, and so, he decided to take a more cautious route.

“Goodnight, [Y/N].”

He could hear her faint ramblings even as he as he was slowly walking away from the girls, letting lose the smirk that had begged so desperately to reveal itself, and for the time in a long time, he felt a shift of anxiety in his stomach. What, exactly, was this? Was it too soon to set his heart on her? Definitely.  

Jungkook hadn’t the smallest clue what was going on. But as much as this circumstance screamed dysfunction, there was an underlying sense of comfort that pulled him toward her, exhilaration, even. He wasn’t poetic or neurotic or an even a romantic, for that matter, and even in his second year of philosophy, Jungkook hadn’t thought of his life objectively, nor did he believe in fate. But this feeling he felt, this rush, this spurt of adrenaline, this beating of his chest, the sweating of his palms, the sheer intensity of his apprehension, this feeling held so much uncertainty—and yet—and yet the worlds fell so freely, and loosely, and smoothly from his mouth. He knew what to say, always. But how? How, when he was feeling somewhere between riding the best roller coaster of his life and walking a tight rope over impending chaos. His mind was blazing, stressing, obsessing; searching for meaning in the midst of the madness that had now become his life. Perhaps there was none.

Perhaps not.

4.

“So you’re just going to ignore me? I am literally sitting right beside you.”

“You don’t exist.”

“I definitely do.”

“Well, if I continue to pretend like you don’t exist, there’s got to be some truth to it, right?”

“No. Literally not at all. Have you heard of science, or-,”

“Shut up. Just shut up. Okay? You… you nerd.” The very little patience you had started your day with immediately began to grow weak. Firstly, thanks to the disgustingly painful hangover you were powering through, and second, well, Jungkook seemed to be making grandiose contributions to the irritability department.

“Wow. I think I’ve finally cracked the case, ha, get it? ‘Cause you’re in law?” Jungkook stifled one of his infamous laughs and regained his composure. “Yeah, anyways, you’re insane.”

“Thank you, Jungkook. You know what? That really pulls together a lot of missing pieces in my life. Thank you for your service. Goodbye.”

Jungkook ignored your attempts at escaping the conversation and averted his attention toward the subway.

“Hey, this is your stop right?”

Shit.

There was no way you were going to resurface the same havoc from getting off a stop early yesterday, not after Mr. Frouckner had torn you a new asshole with his mindless droning about punctuality.

“No, actually. The next stop is,” you coughed awkwardly. “…my stop.” Maybe if you spoke quietly, he wouldn’t catch on. That was your best bet.

“So…you lied yesterday.”

Best bet shot down. Nice to know the universe was on your side.

The blatant delight in Jungkook’s voice made the pits of your stomach churn. He was never going to let go of this. In fact, this is probably exactly what he yearned for: another instance he could mock and chastise you for. This was probably Jungkook’s ultimate dream.

“So I guess I left a stunning impression on you, huh?” You fought the urge to throw your bag at his stupid mouth.

“You know what?” You pursed your lips and looked outside the window. “Actually, this is my stop.”

The corners of Jungkook’s mouth were so often turned upwards, a surge of confusion went through you when you noticed his lips had gone from its usual crooked smile to somewhat of a pressed frown.

For a second, all you could do was look at him.

His eyes were narrowed slightly and he bit the inside of his cheek. His seconds of contemplation were enough to leave your stomach bouncing against itself.

“You can’t just walk away from your feelings.”

Jungkook’s eyes peered into your very own in a way that was utterly intrusive. His hair was tussled and messy, his skin shining behind the beams of fluorescent lights. Even with the simple pessimistic thoughts and urges of aggravation, your heart gravitated toward the soft echo of his voice. In a different world, maybe you could love this. In a different world, maybe you would overcome this constant constriction, this widespread fear that always seemed to manifest itself into every fragment of your life. This was new. He was new. He was different. Maybe you could trust him.

With a single step upward and the swaying of your body, you turned toward the subway doors and gulped.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Maybe it wasn’t time to take chances.

5.

“You’re going to this party.”

“Jessie. You’re my love, I love you, okay? But no. Definitely not.”

Jessie rolled her eyes for the thousandth time, and she paced through your room once more, arms folded across her chest with a clear motive on her mind.

“Well, Jungkook’s going to be there,” her voice rang coyly, and she gave you a sideways glance, hoping to lock you in her gaze and use her amazing powers of persuasion.

But your eyes were purposefully glued to the computer screen in front of you.

Jungkook’s name made your fingers tense, and instead of looking at your bestfriend and telling her you might have been feeling your heart shifting for a boy, you kept your eyes straight and kept your words short.

“Not interested, Jess. Next time.”

If human beings could display their emotions based on colour, you swore Jess was blazing and fiery red, as she shrieked in annoyance once again, throwing herself on your bed and screaming into one of your pillows.

“I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“No, I’m not, bitch. I hate you, you’re the worst.”

“Jess—you know I don’t like parties okay? This doesn’t have anything to do with anything else—,”

“Anyone, you mean,” she corrected matter-of-factly.

You were almost compelled to pick up one of the pillows behind your back, and launch it at her face at 800 miles per hour. But, the thought quickly vanished, because you’re a merciful human being that believes in second chances.

“I’m going to ignore that because I think you’re going through a hard time,” you whispered while patting her back, and Jessie hissed into your pillows. Maybe she was going to hit you with a pillow at 800 miles per hour.

“[Y/N], stop playing dumb, okay? You know exactly who I’m talking about.”

God, when was this fucker going to stop being the highlight of all your personal conversations. You threw your head back and groaned.

“When are you going to understand that I don’t have feelings for him?!”

“When you can fucking go somewhere he’s gonna be at, without having a mental break, you shady bitch!”

Fuck it.

“Fine, I’m going!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

Jessie let out a laugh, and you soon followed, why did boys always make things so difficult?

“I’ll pick you up at 7.”

“I fucking hate you.”

6.

Yup. This was really happening.

“This place smells like fucking paradise.” You marveled at the immense expanse of broadly lit rooms and expensive luxury all around you. So this is what it’s like to get a sports car for your fifteenth birthday.

“Rich people, man.” Jessie shook her head and grabbed a drink off the stretch of wooden table, taking a large sip, and then placing it back down.

The house belonged to a friend’s of a friend’s of a friend’s, and it was by far the biggest house you’d ever stepped into in your entire life. It looked like it was something out of an elaborate Parisian getaway, but the crowds of drunken people swaying anything but rhythmically to Lil Pump made it more than clear that this was the epitome of college parties.

The dress you were wearing was Jess’, and it was itchy, bodycon, and far too thin to keep anybody warm on any winter night. But, it made you feel good, and so you supposed that was the most important thing as you walked across the house’s wide and echoing halls, anxious from the stares of those around you.

“Don’t look now,” Jessie whispered into your ear, and of course, immediately your head whipped around opposite of her direction to see what she was talking about. Or who, rather.

Fuck.

“I told you NOT to look. What part of that did you NOT understand?!”

“I was nervous okay?! Who doesn’t look in that situation?!”

“Well, you don’t have time to freak out, Jungkook’s coming this way right now.” Jess let out the words nonchalantly as she grabbed another drink, and as you felt his shadow approaching, you tried your best not to look like the most constipated and fidgety individual in the world.

Was it working? Definitely not.

“I’m gonna be right over there okay,” Jessie whispered gently and gestured toward the doorway right across from you.

“No, no, no, Jess, don’t leave, don’t leave—,”

“Get off me, I have to, he’s coming—,”

“Don’t leave—,”

“Stop I’m going—,”

You felt a gentle tap on your shoulder, as Jess slyly tottered away in her slightly tipsy state and shot you a not so secret wink. Great.

“Hi,” Jungkook’s breath hit your neck, and you felt your throat become tight. When you turned around to glance at him, you realized he looked a little different. His hair looked longer, darker, shinier, the skin along his cheeks and forehead were glossy and tanned, his complexion was slightly flushed, and yet the golden undertones were enough to bring you back to your summer classes, half spent avoiding Jungkook on the subway. The troubled look in his eyes, the eyes that you had been looking away from for months, was enough to make you feel regret. He looked so happy always, and yet the subtle pain you could feel from his expression made you feel like the wicked enchantress in any cliché fairytale. He was pretty enough to be a prince, you thought.

“Why have you been avoiding me?”

His words broke your trance. And yes, it was a trance. Because just like you remembered it, looking at Jungkook was not simply looking at any kindred spirit looking for a purpose in life, looking at Jungkook felt like a purpose. And as ridiculous as it sounded, you thought it was worth it.

“I-I haven’t.” You spoke as firmly as you could, but he didn’t seem convinced, you could tell. And it was now more than ever that you wished you could lie as well as everybody else, or be as bold as half the kids that were at this stupid party, or flirt as eloquently as Jess. But you couldn’t, and he knew. He knew.

“Are you ever going to give this a chance?” He asked, and you could hear how desperate he was. It burned. You felt your throat closing, more. Was that possible?

“Give what a chance?”

“This, [Y/N]. Us. Are you ever going to stop avoiding me, avoiding your feelings for me, avoiding potential? Y-you’re a part of my life. You’ve been a part of my life for months. Why are you running away?” Jungkook’s eyes bore into yours. He was waiting for an answer. You wanted to give him an answer.

This isn’t what you were used to. This was foreign. This warm feeling that crept up your sides and held you sharply like a paralyzing embrace, this sweep of heat that fell over your cheeks and made your jaw slack, this cloud of beautiful iridescence that made your pupils shake, that stole your gaze, that forced your gaze—upon him. You couldn’t think, and the droning of the voices around you only made the burning sensation in your heart worse.

“I-I need to go,” you mumbled rapidly, grabbing your clutch and shuffling out the veranda door across the hall; refusing to look back at the boy that stole your dreams and made your being quake.

You needed to go.

7.

“[Y/N]!”

“I-I wasn’t meant for relationships, Jungkook. Just drop it.”

“How do you know that? You’ve never given yourself the fucking chance!” Jungkook shot back. The intensity in his eyes ran shivers down your spine. This was breaking him, you were breaking him. This is exactly the reason why you wanted to stay away.  

“I’m just not a “love” person, okay?” You pleaded.

“Yeah, I think I’ve picked that up by now.”

“Jungkook don’t make this harder than it already is. Don’t you have something better to be doing right now, something other than harassing me? ”

“Why do you keep pushing me away? Why don’t you trust me?”

“Why can’t you just drop it?!”

Jungkook’s eyes blazed deeply into yours, frustration evident in his face. He must’ve been worn out to the absolute max, and yet there was a still a sense of determination that lingered within him.

He stepped forward and drew a breath.

“Because,” his voice broke. Your heart clenched.

“Because every single time I walk away from you, I get this splitting, fucking avalanche of thoughts, that keep asking over and over and over again: ‘why did you fucking let her go? There’s something here’.”

“I feel this hollowness; because I know you. I’ve seen what life is like with you. And it’s better. It’s so much better than anything I’ve ever had, any relationship I’ve ever made. How am I supposed to just walk away and pretend like you didn't change things? When I know we have something other people wait their whole fucking lives for? When I know there’s something here? Leaving this unresolved like this is eating away at me, [Y/N]. It fucking hurts being around you knowing you don’t want the same thing. But I’m an idiot, alright? Does that make you happy? I stick around, thinking that maybe one day, something will change. That maybe one day, you’ll look at me and admit to yourself that you have feelings. Because I know you do, [Y/N]. Because I don’t think we met for no reason. Because for the time in my fucking life I believe in fate, and it’s not fucking working out and its making me go crazy. So you know what? I am sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made this mess, but I don’t regret it. And I never fucking will.”

Frozen.

Your body had fallen completely frozen.

The growing discomfort in your stomach had become entirely unbearable, Jungkook let out a staggered breath as your heart beat accelerated; icy chill after icy chill continued to make way down your spine, to the point at which it felt there was a constant outpour of frost at the small of your back. This was sickening. This was torturous. This was gut-wrenching. Though the words felt so soft and easy and comforting in your mouth, the thought of the world they would awaken left you aching to your core. You cared for him. You cared for him so, so much. He was the mirage at the end of a desert of relationships that all seemed to either dry out or suck the life out of you. Though your mind begged for reason and practicality, your heart yearned for the potential of something absolutely breath-taking. Because he, was absolutely breath-taking. And a world without him, well, that wasn’t a life you thought you were prepared for.

Jungkook stood in front of you, running a hand through his hair and catching one last glimpse at the girl he swore was the absolute love of his life. He wasn’t prepared to say goodbye, and yet there he stood, mind flooded with outcomes he couldn’t completely fathom, and most of them, admittedly bad.

He turned around.

If you continued to live your life the way you always had, cautious, safe, you could protect yourself from torment and heartbreak and destruction. If you continued to live your life the way you always had, you’d be able to carry out the rationality of life, the logic, the sensibility.

If you continued to live your life the way you always had, nothing would ever change.

You grabbed his wrist.

“I love you.”

8.

“You—what?” His eyes were almost glossy, and the fleet of stomping elephants in your stomach suddenly felt less overbearing than the pounding in your chest.

You gulped.

“I love you. A-and you, you’re making me go crazy. And I’m not. I’m normal you know! I’m not crazy! It’s you! You’re doing this! You’re making me insane. I-I-you- you-,” your chest heaved. “You’re changing me!”

“Okay.”

“Okay? That’s all you have to fucking say right now? Really? Are you fucking serious I’m gonna—,”

“Okay.”

His mouth twitched. He looked like he was smiling. God, you wanted to punch that smile off his lip. But God, you couldn’t stop staring.

Jungkook bit his lip, the whiplash of emotions almost making him nauseous. He had just gone from complete frustration and dismay, to utter exhilaration; euphoria. All the while, you couldn’t keep your eyes off the soft pink silhouette of his mouth.

Stop looking at his lips.

Stop looking at his lips.

Stop looking at his lips.

God, who fucking cares.

The first thing you did was drop your clutch. Jungkook quipped an eyebrow and his smirk stuck firmly, and you wondered how it would change when you wrapped your arms thickly around his neck and finally attached your chapped and dry lips to his admittedly adorable and absolutely plump lips.

And so you did.

You launched forward and roughly took his lips in yours, and though Jungkook could feel every muscle in his body tensing, the feeling immediately flood away in a single rush of elation that allowed him to smile onto your mouth. Jungkook felt tentative, but the steady pressure of his kiss alongside the gentle caressing of his lips had your fingers shaking. He cupped your cheeks, and squished them endearingly before finally pulling away, lips promiscuously crimson and face flushed. Your noses brushed against each other, and the sheer cliché of the situation made your stomach clench.

Jungkook let out a boisterous laugh as you shut your eyes tightly and then opened them up again.

“So you like me, huh?”

And the smirk sitting on his lips this time filled your heart with the same aggravation that seemed to consume you so naturally, and just as strongly, was the temptation to kiss his annoying lips again just to shut him up.

“Fuck off Jungkook.”

“I’m just asking.”

“I’m just gonna kill you.”

And again he laughed, and you laughed with him. And though the idea of love and relationships and fate and everlasting romance never seemed to rapture your soul the way you often wished it had—though the thought of fate and eternity seemed far away and barely tangible—you ignored your fear of every hurtful past and any spiteful future, and thought now, in this moment, a future with Jungkook was absolute. You hoped.

((if u made it this far, thank u and have a lovely day u beautiful person!!! ily)