#sorry im away from my usual environment rn and im not in the mood to draw. so i am going to dump all my thouhgts on here LOL

[jackienautism]

the ppl who say that sam doesnt have any personality are just fucking stupid

[morningpages-louise]

August 09, 2019

My head is throbbing. I think its from getting too much sleep. First time I’ve slept in in a while. These affordances to sleep in are few, but I appreciate every single chance I get. I think there are going to be a lot more now since I’m on summer break :D I shall enjoy all this leisure time, and use it wisely. It’s been raining this whole week and it feels very cozy. Im super cozy rn. Im just sitting in my couch, coffee and phone on one side, listening to the sound of rain falling down the surface of the building. Gloomy cities really make good combos. I can’t quite explain it but the gloom resembles my mood, and it paints the city in such a dramatic light. Lonely cities. It fits it well, because cities while vibrant and full of life can also be so lonely. Filled with lonely souls. And so the rain is a fitting component. I love living in the city. My affinity for cities, and the culture that exists, and the life that exists and just how individuality is encouraged and praised, that’s what I love about cities. Where people are free to express themselves, everyone’s open minded. I thrive in these environments. I love living in Manila. I’ve written about this city quite a few times. And you know considering I’ve got a year, or maybe even less, I want to create something that will capture how I feel about this beautiful city filled with such a mash of different souls. Perhaps a zine? Or a photo series? A personal project. It’s definitely something I’m going to think about. Ive been meaning to get back in photography just because its such a lovely medium, and I love looking back at memories. The sentimentalist in me can’t resist. I’d really love to get better at it. And I think its time I fulfill one of the goals I listed at the start of the year which was to engage in photography assignments. Just for myself. I think I will do just that. I always think to myself, I’ll start when I get a new camera, a less bulkier contraption, but honestly I think the best time to start is now. Because by the time I get a new camera, ill probably think the same thing. Oh, ill just wait till i get this certain lens or something like that. You’ll never be ready. You just have to throw yourself out there. That’s something I’ve been learning a lot through the daily stoic. In fact, I really resonate with the readings. The universe has a weird way of letting everything fall into place. Just how fitting it is in my life. Man, I love this. My thoughts feel so substantial. Usually when I engage in Morning Pages, there are times when you can tell I’m just really trying to fill the 750 word part. Like I’m not even thinking. And that’s just when my brain is riddled with anxiety. When I have a long day to go and I can’t be bothered by writing down 750 words. But this right here, is nice. Ofcourse I have things on my plate, quite a lot actually since I’ve pretty much been neglecting all my tasks since I started on that MSMEDIA essay. Today is the first day I can see clarity again. August, I’ve been rushing you because its been hectic, and I’m sorry for that. But now its time to hit the restart button and start a new again. I think these things are necessary. In fact, I accept that every once in a while we’ll need imaginary restarts. They can do wonders on our productivity and focus, and how we work. So here’s to restarting. Refocusing. Recalibrating. Time to drop everything and just focus on yourself is so necessary, and I do believe it makes you grind a lot harder. Yeah. Here’s to finishing 2019 hard. Here’s to getting out of my comfort zone.

Also on a side note, I really have been seriously thinking about learning poetry. I’m intrigued by the form, how people can put together words like that. It’s basically painting images with your words, and I want to be able to do that. I’m definitely opening to taking up a poetry workshop sometime in the future or engaging in any online courses. Cause like poetry has never really been something I’ve appreciated. Like I always tended to avoid it because I never particularly liked the form. I never knew how to appreciate it. And so I want to try delving into it. I just want to see if its for me. And maybe, just maybe it’ll help me articulate my feelings in a better way. Who knows? I don’t know. I think I’ve pretty much mastered the art of nonfiction writing. I want to try poetry now. And maybe after, creative writing. I just love words. Im mesmerized by them. How they can paint beautiful photos and articulate feelings so spot on. I have such an affinity for words and prose that you can connect to.

Ugh im feeling all churny inside. I’m so happy I have outlets to express myself. Through my words and photos. Life is so beautiful, and I just want to try and capture it you know. So yeah those are my thoughts lang. Alsoooo I’m trying to give up vaping. Like I literally gave my vape to Kristine yesterday and I told her to hide it lol. It’s just so bad, and its become a bad habit. Like I feel horrible whenever I smoke it, and yet I keep doing it and I think its mainly because of the fact that it’s there, so I just gravitate nd pull towards it But yesterday, Erica sent a photo and I was just like nope. It’s funny because I didn’t even think. Like I just threw it away lol. Fuck that, life is more precious than that nicotine rush. Life is too precious. Here’s to living. It’s amazing how life is so amazing on good days. I wish I could come back to this feeling whenever I have bad days, and don’t feel motivated or feel the need to continue going you know. I wish I could always come back to this feeling.