#sorry if i havent been able to be too active here !!

[butch-2017x]

Their Christmas outfits were so cute I had to draw them hehe

[pxrplepolkadots]

💔

[brutal-nemesis]

bro said

Spiderwebs #22: Vanity

Masterlist

content: implied starvation

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

This was a good sign. Their first excursion had been a success. Jackie was starting to warm up to her. He wasn't happy, but he was getting used to the operation of things, and that was all she needed. He had even buried a body with her, which was an impressive development considering their rocky start. Cooperation and compliance—that was all she asked of him.

“Can I eat that?”

Jackie’s voice brought her back from her thoughts. He was sitting on her sofa, legs curled up, staring at the sandwich on the table like it would run away if he blinked. Such an ordinary, domestic scene. What was Heather doing? What had she done? Why had she kidnapped a man, then killed another? She was sure there was a good reason, but she could remember it in the morning. Right now… food. Right. Giving Jackie food.

“Go ahead. It’s all yours.” She had disposed of her coat, and Jackie had disposed of his gloves. She now sat across from him, on a chair she’d retrieved from the kitchen. 

“Thanks!” He took it without hesitation and ate quickly, his body angled away, guarding the precious treasure of a single sandwich. As if she was going to take it from him. It was a bit uncomfortable to watch, especially as he was covered in dried blood. 

She stared at nothing at all, as he ate. What other experiments did she have to perform? The paralysis compound had been perfected, at that point. She’d done a few dissections on the jars of organs, and found little worth noting. She still needed to find the source of the immortality—that was something. Something to occupy her. 

Jackie had finished eating a long time ago. He was now giving her a curious look, trying to decipher what had captured her gaze. He had such captivating eyes, such a pretty face—not that Heather thought… well… in any case, this was irrelevant.

“You’re filthy,” she said casually.

He sounded genuinely hurt, or at least confused. “Excuse me?”

“You’re covered in blood, I mean.”

“Ah, yeah.” He cleared his throat and grinned again. She could tell he was scared. Startled, for whatever reason. The smile didn’t reach his eyes. “You’ve got a bit of something too. Over there—no, higher—“ He put a finger to the edge of his face.

“Thanks.” Heather wiped her face, though she doubted that would remove the stain. “Are you still hungry?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? People usually eat dinner at this time.”

He shook his head. "I’m fine. I don’t eat much anyway.”

They lapsed into silence. Heather couldn’t think of anything to say. It was the fatigue, she decided. It had been a long day. Small talk came sparse after a murder. 

Jackie was the one to break it. “You’re not so bad. I guess.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean—“ He took in a sharp breath. He spoke with a gentle yet adamant air, as if he was attempting to give her advice. “I don’t know. You’re okay.”

“How touching. Didn’t you threaten to kill me once?”

“I’m mercurial, alright? I’m a sensitive soul.” He shrugged. “Besides, you’re one to talk. You have mood swings, like, every day.”

“I don’t—“ She thought about this. “Never mind.”

He began to pick at the edge of the sofa, at the seams of black leather. Fluffy white pillows surrounded him like the petals of a lily. Behind the curtained window, the light slowly drained from the sky. The clock on the shelf carried the seconds past them, tick-tick-ticking faintly in the background. The sound seemed to echo. Her house always felt empty, even in the presence of other people. And it had been so long since she had lived with other people.

She wasn't alone anymore, but she felt no difference. Her home was constantly quiet. A kind of reverential silence, the silence of churches and graveyards, sticking to the walls like mold and hollowing them out. Jackie didn’t have a very active presence there, after all. Four months, and this was the first time he'd seen the living room. 

That was not an accident. It was safer to keep him in the basement.  It was easier. Still, Heather thought he needed the fresh air. He was starting to get restless, fidgety. He didn’t sleep much. Was that normal? She didn’t know much about people. Just the inner workings. Birds and dogs had to be taken outside their cages sometimes, or so she’d heard. Even rats liked to run around, but Heather’s subjects usually died before that ever became an issue.

And there was the topic of Jackie’s growing weakness. Despite his attempts to hide it, his fragility was obvious to Heather. It did not surprise her in the slightest. To regrow entire limbs, to replace entire organs—well, it would take a toll on anyone’s body. He didn’t eat enough, of course. And God knew what those drugs were doing to him in the long-term. 

That wasn’t a bad thing, necessarily. If Jackie could physically overpower her, he could escape. And that wouldn’t do. Along with the usual fear of incarceration came a stronger hunger, a stronger want, something stronger than she was used to. What did she want, exactly? It was hard to say, looking at him, still a sort of stranger regardless of their time together. She didn’t really know Jackie, did she? He was still a subject to be studied. That’s what she wanted, maybe. Answers. 

“I think you should take a shower,” she decided. “I’ll show you to the bathroom.”

“Shower?” he echoed. “Just a shower? It’s not an experiment?”

“No. What kind of experiment is that?”

He didn’t answer. “One last thing. Does your bathroom have a lock? I know—“ He held up his hand, as if she was about to protest about what an offense this was. “I know, just… does it lock? From the inside?”

“Yes, it has a lock, and all that.” She gave an exaggerated, exasperated sigh, more out of habit than anything. “I’m not a monster.”

He didn’t seem to understand, but he nodded.

See, she was capable of kindness! There you go. That was her generosity, over and done with. Nothing more needed to be said. She showed him to the bathroom, then left him to sort whatever he needed out.

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

He came back about twenty minutes later, in which time Heather was able to scrub most traces of blood from the house, and dispose of the chainsaw, which she had thrown into the river as well. She then waited in the living room again, watching the clock. 

When Jackie returned, he looked unsure of himself. Less scared now, more overly polite. He sat back down on the sofa, significantly cleaner, hair still damp and curls heavy, hands clasped together in his lap. He couldn’t quite meet her gaze, but didn’t quite glance away either. Didn’t say anything, didn’t ask about anything. Watched, listened to the clock.

Though Heather shouldn’t have, she found his wary respect a little amusing. She couldn’t quite believe that she was intimidating, that she held any sort of power over other people. Other people always appeared as a paradox, or else as immaterial, indistinct shadows. Trying to catch smoke, trying to control light sparks, trying to capture the brief sounds from the next room. That’s what other people were—always in the other room, something she wanted to possess but could never grasp. But here was Jackie, in the same place and time as her, maybe not totally under her control but at least a little put-off by her presence. 

“You have a nice bathroom,” he offered.

He was just trying to make small talk, she figured. “What do you mean, nice?”

“The soap looked expensive.”

She’d seen him nearly every day for the past four months, at least once a week, but this was the first time that she really felt curious about him. Thought of him, not in the context of a drug or dissection, but as his own person. How many layers to that nesting doll? People were all so complicated...

“How are you?” she asked instead.

“Tired.” That was it, a monotone answer. “Heather, can I go outside again? Tomorrow?”

“I don’t know about tomorrow.”

“But eventually?” He spoke earnestly, and now Heather knew this was like the small talk—he wanted, not the truth, but just something. Something to hope for, something to keep. “Soon?”

She nodded.

Heather never thought about her other subjects like this. The dog bones went with the garbage, and that was the end of them, the moment where they stopped to exist in any meaningful way. That was necessary. A necessary separation, a mental blockade. If you thought too much about anything, if you let your logic run its complete course, then you’d fall into an inertia that would never lift. Maybe all this contemplation was bad for her, like candy was bad for your teeth. But it was so sweet, wasn’t it? The thought of knowing someone so deeply. 

“Well, then.” A little curiosity was fine, but she needed to know when to quit. Heather stood. “It’s late. We should go to sleep.” 

He stood also, after a reluctant pause. “Okay.”

She thought of pinning him to the wall and breaking his neck. Holding him and watching him die. Holding him, a living thing, a real person in her home and in her arms. Catharsis for this tension. It came on as a papercut does—there, all of a sudden, welling up red, meaningless and shallow but too sharp to ignore. Ah, it was all his fault. He was making her feel things. She hated him for it. He was too good at it, with that poised little frown, that wide and wary look.

Instead of enacting this, she swallowed, picked the thought off like a scab. “I’ll take you to your room, then.”

He nodded, so unaware of her feelings, so oblivious. That was for the best. Their relationship was purely professional, but she still wanted him to respect her.

It was laughable, she knew. Pointless. What he thought of her didn’t matter in the end. That was vanity, plain and simple.  But they could find some common ground, couldn’t they? This could work, this would work, over the months and days, even over the years. They would find something to share. A life, to share. A life and a home, quiet though it was, unnatural though it was. A compromise of sorts.

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Taglist:

@theelvishcowgirl

@lthrboy

@whumpy-wyrms

[thebibliosphere]

Hi there, ive come from your post about ADHD and emotional disregulation, firstly thank you so much for putting it into words, its such a complicated part of how i deal with emotions and i havent ever been able to articulate how to why.

Secondly, in that post you mentioned how you've used stress as a motivator and how eventually your stress regualtion broke, i was wondering if you'd be willing to talk about that? (If not, its not a problem)

I feel like the same thing has happened to me but until i read your post i had no idea that something had... snapped? I suppose? I struggle with motivation all the time and in the past id have a week or a few days left and id be able to suddently push myself very hard to complete whatever it is before the deadline, just barely making it in most cases. However now it seems that i can't find that motivation anymore, deadlines come and pass and i can't being myself to work on anything, and i just end up spiralling into shame and guilt. That motivation was the only thing that I was able to rely on sometimes for things like uni, and i conviced myself that it was just me growing lazy or trying to get out of responsibility as to why the "last minute panic-mode" doesnt work anymore.

Again, if you don't wanna tackle this can of worms or if it's something youd rather not post online i totally get it, its no biggie! thanks so much for making the original post as well, it means a lot

Hello friend, thanks for the message. I'm sorry you're also dealing with this.

The good news here is that I've already talked about this using the rubber band analogy my therapist gave me. (Stress is like a Rubber Band)

If you don't have the mental bandwidth to read all of it now, the tl;dr is "stress is like a rubber band; it can stretch to hold numerous things in place when you need to, but if you do it too often or keep adding more and more strain under the band, the elastic eventually becomes brittle and snaps, taking your mental and sometimes physical health with it too."

I've been in intensive therapy for this for roughly three years now, and trying to piece my brain back together after my last bout of stress-induced productivity gave me a total mental breakdown.

It's... odd not being able to use stress and having to actively avoid it to avoid a relapse. But it is doable. Medication would help, but alas, I've got weird health issues and am unmedicated at the minute.

(And just in case that sparks anyone to go, "Oh, you do all this unmedicated! Wow, that's so inspiring!" as sometimes parents do to me on here as they then tell me they don't want to medicate their kids, I've unfortunately also written a post about what that kind of success looks like from an unmedicated perspective and the kind of suicidal ideation I deal with on the regular because I cannot take meds. It is not pleasant reading, but it is necessary for some folks, specifically anti-med, "if you just tried harder" people.)

A book you may find helpful is Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. It was very validating for me to read about other people going through the same things, and made me feel less of a "this is a personal failing on my part" and more of a "Oh okay yeah, no stress literally breaks people."

It helped soothe some of my own internalized "I just need to try harder" and helped cement me on the path I was already going down with my ADHD therapist toward changing how I view myself and how I manage my ADHD.

I hope that helps! If you've got more specific questions or I didn't touch on something in my old post, I can try to answer them :)

[kristlewrites]

“Baby I’m ready for take off”

CW: Cock Warming ,Chest Riding, Fluff(?), Poorly written smut, comfort(?) nicknames ( ma, mamas, papa, and baby)

PAIRING: Connie x Black!FemReader

WC: 0.9k

🫧🗯️: Test run post! Don’t judge🤒 ALSO! first time writing smut so if it’s bad i’m sorry, it’ll probably remain like that for a minute…(title is from a wayv song.. doesn’t have to do anything with the fic🪦🪦)

MINORS DNI

(take off!)

It's been a long day, long week even. School has been beating your ass with essays and finals..this was your only chance to relax. You enter connie's apartment around 6 pm, he wasn't there because he's also been busy but not with school. The team made it to regionals and the coach has been working the team the bone with drills everyday.

     You use your key that he lent to you and make yourself at home, he lived off campus. You make your way into the shower and clean yourself up real quick and change into his pajamas, although a lot of your clothes is in his room, hell ! you even have your own drawer! But you love the way his clothes feels on you and his scent makes you feel safe. You were absolutely starving by the time you got dressed and decided to go order some food, wing-stop you finally decide you got yourself a 12 pc hot and lemon pepper with a side of fries and A sprite. When the food came around it was almost eight and Connie should be on his way home.

   After you finished eating you cleaned up super quick and went to bed, connie showed up about an hour later. He knew you were here but seeing you in his sheets and pjs made his heart falter. He went in the shower quickly and joined you in bed. He tried his best not to make any noise but regardless you still woke up 

    "Sorry ma, didn't mean to wake you up"

    he said so gentle, 

      "how are you? I'm sorry I came home late.. i didn't expect coach to keep us so long"

   he caressed your cheeks trying to get you back to sleep. You looked up at his beautiful freckled face, you missed him so much you guys havent been able to see each other at all this week with being so occupied with your own personal activities and affairs. Small tears stream from your eyes, he wipes them away with such care and delicacy.

   "I know, I know ive missed you too, baby"

    You turn towards to him and indulge into his chest , he's not wearing a shirt which is normal since he gets really sweaty at night (😭😭🪦🪦🪦) you start talking about the events that happened that week, how your essay went, how you absolutely failed your stats test, new books you bought, girl drama, and how stressful it's been for you. He nods occasionally and throws in a couple of "mhms" to let yk that he's still listening. This goes on for about an hour and at this point you're just rambling, but connie understands how much you love to talk and let's you continue without complaint, that is until you ask him about his week and what he's done. 

   At this point he's practically knocked out. 

   "Hah, What was that baby what did you say??" he said a little bit groggy

   You repeat your question, but while you do you see that he's HARD??? No way this man was hard from just hearing you talk.But then he must've been backed up from this whole week because of how rarely he saw you or had anytime for himself. When you think about it has been a while since y'all had sex, because of how seldom it's been to even talk to him on the phone 

   "Hey con.. You're hard, how long has it been?" you ask while playing with his nipples. (🪦🪦🪦)

   "Baby you don't even understand how much i've missed you..c'mere" He pulls you closer to his penis.

  Slowly he removes his pants and boxers, revealing his hard leaking cock.. good lord it was so much prettier than you remember. You slowly enter his dick into your hole, surprised by how wet you were.

   "Be careful mamas I could jizz into you at any point" you laughed at his choice of words, it was clear that he hasn't been relived in awhile..and while you were also tired doesn't mean you could at least help him out!!?? and you were on the pill so that should count for something..right??? Continuing you grab ahold of his tip and insert it, until fully seethed into your pussy. It felt so good, you grabbed his hand and placed it on your stomach showing him where his dick is. That really pushed him over and sprayed your pussy through and through. your poor baby he was so sensitive. You guys stayed like that until morning.

   Waking up, you find yourself looking at connie sleeping so soundly and peacefully. You reach for your phone but feel restricted once you've realized the man got a whole ass dick in you. omggg

  "Baby wake up" you whisper yell, tapping his chest. you roam your fingers on along his abs, a few seconds later connie shifts a little bit to remove his cock from you and lifts you up and places you down on his chest. This all happens so quick that u immediately shiver, with your wet slicky pussy on top of his chest he begins move you up and down while his dick teases at your ass crack. Your nails dig into his abdomen while you grind your silky pussy over his abs. Connie's hands take pleasure in your tits while they bounce up and down, twisting and turning you nipples putting you into over drive. Your cum glazes over his abs, you panting hard. First thing in the morning... You rest your head on his chest finding his heart beat while he rubs your head calming you down. 

   "I love you ma" he whispers, he feels your smile into his chest and laughs a bit. He raises your head, "did you hear what I said?" He leans in for a kiss and you return it. "I love you too papa"

(Think of this as a soft launch ijbol)🫧🗯️

[znoozin]

CHARACTER AI ANNOUNCEMENT

By Znoozing (slow asf)

IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT MY BOTS ARE FUCKING BROKEN BUT TOO MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN LIKING THEM AS THEY ARE AT THE MOMENT😭😭❗️❗️❗️❗️

Keep in mind that ALL of my Albert Wesker bots have been based off of re5 Wesker. If you'd like to see other versions, LET ME KNOW!!

Current errors in my AW bots (RE5):

• He still works at Umbrella.

• William Birkin is alive.

• Spencer is alive.

• He (kinda of?) doesn't know who Excella is.

• He doesn't know who Jill is.

• He's really affectionate.

• Incorrect outfit description.

• Has the wrong eye color.

• He curses. ( Wesker doesn't use inappropriate language in game )

• He's flirty.

• A THOUSAND OTHER THINGS😭😭

THERE ARE PROBABLY A NUMBER OF ERRORS I HAVENT FOUND YET, AND I AM SO SO SO SO SORRY I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO CORRECT THESE YET!!

INSTEAD OF GOING BACK AND EDITING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF MY BOTS, ILL BE REMAKING THEM WITH THEIR BRAND NEW DESCRIPTION.

(I WON'T BE TOUCHING ANY OF MY OLD BOTS, SO THEY WILL WORK AS IS)

ALL OF MY NEW BOTS WILL HAVE OVER 500 CHARACTERS IN THEIR INTRODUCTION. I'VE FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO THAT!!

(IF YOU WANT TO REQUEST ONE WITH LESS THAN 500, LET ME KNOW!!)

BUT WHILE I FIND A COOL SYMBOL TO USE TO SHOW IF A BOT IS REMASTERED OR NOT, THESE BOTS ARE ALMOST DONE AND WILL BE RELEASED ONCE I FIND OUT HOW TO FIX MY DESCRIPTIONS!!

( These bots are private at the moment. )

PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THERE ARE ANY MORE ERRORS / INCORRECT INFO WITH MY BOTS!! MY GOAL IS TO MAKE THESE BOTS AS ACCURATE AND LORE CONFORMING AS POSSIBLE!!

IF THERES A SPECIFIC ONE OF MY OLD BOTS YOUD LIKE ME TO REMAKE, LET ME KNOW!!

I LOVE YOU GUYS SO SO SO MUCH AND IM SORRY IM SUPER FUCKING SLOW😭😭 I HAVE SO MANY ACCOUNTS AND IM TRYING TO POST STUFF FOR EVERYONE ON EACH OF THEM. ( plus school is kicking my ass rn and im EXHAUSTED )

BUT IM TRYING TO BE MORE ACTIVE HERE!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!! GO CHECK OUT MY TIK TOK FOR COOL ALBERT WESKER EDITS AND COOL FUN FACTS ABOUT ALBERT WESKER AND ALBERT WESKER VIDEOS AND ALBERT WESKER HEADCANNONS AND ALBERT WESKER AND ALBERT WESKER ALBERT WESKER ALBERT WESKER WESKER WESKER ALBERT WESKER ALBERT WESKER

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Quitting Weed Day 9 Status Report 📝

to start off , i'll say, i do indeed feel like Ass ! this post might get a tad emo. regretting my life choices to smoke for as long as i have 😕 But then again, maybe that's harsh, cus i was just doing the best i could with the circumstances i been dealt in the past.

i couldnt just quit cold turkey cus every time i try that its way too intense and i alwaus end up going back. So the past 9 days i've been hitting my (extremely weak) weed cart a couple times a night, only after 9pm, just to help me sleep. Before that i was smoking probly like. 5-8 bowls a day, followed by hitting the weed pen RELENTLESSLY all night until i passed out. So its still been a huge change lol. From tonight onwards tho i'm done w the weed pen and ready to try 0 thc 🙏

kind friend @palmceader sent me a CBD tincture made for sleep (thanku again 🥹) which im sure has a TINY percentage of thc, but nothing even close to how much im used to.

i cant even imagine how fried my dopamine receptors are, cus honestly, i feel Fucked. spaced out is an understatement. i cant focus on anything and its kinda driving me insane. it feels impossible to read or draw or do any of my hobbies.. my body feels heavy and depressed. No motivation. its kinda the opposite of what i was expecting. i can barely keep my eyes open during the day..

on a brighter note i havent been struggling too much with sleep or appetite. i think sleepy time tea + the tincture + magnesium is rly helping. my dreams recall is already improving so much, and the times i have nightmares arent as bad as its been previous times i tried to quit. i havent rly struggled with cravings at all either, which used to be a huge obstacle for me ! im just so over it now. i was starting to get chest pains and coughing a lot, which was taking any joy out of the act of smoking for me.

morbid to say but I often think of my father and how his rampant addictions directly lead him to such a painful and horrific early death. its a rare perspective of imagery so disturbing , i know i can't go on in such a manner. Like, what a fucking fool i would be! For others i can understand it but for me, no. it has haunted me for a long time to know i'm letting myself go down that path, even with all my insistent self-justification that his death is what brought me to this in the first place. deep down ive been knowing i need to break the cycle like i have the choice and the power, im still alive im still here ..

Sorry if thats depressing to bring up! i do feel depressed tho. i cant use weed to hide from my pain anymore.. i have to rewire my whole ass method of coping with stress at age 30. i know i can do it but its gonnnna be a long winded process full of ups n downs. Running away is no longer an option and thats a lot to face! a lot of old wounds i never rly dealt with, cus i kept my head in the 💨clouds💨 for so long.

i promise not to give up this time tho no matter how hard it gets 🙏 i want to set a good example too like indunno a lot of younger ppl follow me now i dont wanna feed into narratives that may influence them in bad directions. i have a responsible heart. i rly dont think weed is cool i havent since i was like 16. i was just dependent on it so i tried to romanticisze its role in my life. its silly.

im kinda laughing now cus im like god, i initially felt like the reason im quitting is so i can be more active in my dream world, but the more i think about it the more i notice MANY many more reasons to quit that go way deeper.

All in all the reason im talking about it is to maybe inspire other ppl who have been on the verge of quitting but too afraid to rly take the plunge-- Ur not alone, ur not weak for being addicted, if u need to reach out to me u are more than welcome.

Ppl rly downplay weed addiction cus the withdrawals arent life threatening like other substances, but that doesnt mean its a walk in the park. Most ppl i know who are stoners have never been able to quit for similar reasons as me. It takes a major psychological hold over u. if u ever need to vent about it or need advice, im here!

if u read all of this, pls dont worry abt me xD Even if it feels miserable rn i have faith things will improve, the heaviness and brainfog will lift, the emotions will be purged, i am excited for my future. One day at a time....Dont giving up 🙏

Signed, PMD9

[evercelle]

hello!! ive been following from here and on twitter, but mostly twitter, since u veeery first started posting xiaoven (venxiao?) art

i wanted to let you know that your art has irreversibly changed my life for the better. ive been drawing since i was very very tiny but by the time i got to junior year of high school i had no muse and no inspiration and no direction and your posts got to me at just the right time. your use of composition and colors are gorgeous and i dont even usually enjoy this type of art style but yours really just spoke to me

working tirelessly to get “to your level” (as silly as it sounds) completely reignited a spark in me — receiving your xiaoven christmas card and being able to examine all the details in physical form inspired me to work on a huge, detailed illustration of my own! (or at least i thought it was huge and detailed at the time lmao, looking back it’s not all that great). and even outside of that, every illustration was a push for me to learn more about backgrounds, lighting, the placement of detail, expression, character design — it was a lot and im eternally grateful for it.

sorry for rambling at you !! but thank you so much for the work you do. im now broke in my early years of college so i havent been able to afford your shop wares, but i wouldve loved to help monetarily for all the good youve done for me just by existing. im not nearly as active of a follower as before (and even then ‘active’ was a stretch, ive kind of just lurked) but one of my mutuals reposted a work of yours and i felt like just kinda putting this here iunno

and im so so sorry if this is super parasocial or weird LOL :”))) i promise this is probably the only time ill have the courage to interact directly

thank you, ever :)

heyo anon!! i was pretty floored reading this... thank you for taking the time to send such a kind message. i don't think it's ever too late to come back to drawing, so i'm glad you found your drive. hope you've been having fun with every single illustration since, no matter how they turned out!

developing skills is hard and sometimes discouraging work... but i think getting to the point where you're able to express yourself the way you want must be one of the happiest feelings in the world.

[the-6th-harbringer]

PLEASE READ

Hey. So. It's been a. while.

trigger warning: referenced suicide

So, if you haven't noticed, I literally evaporated for two weeks straight without any clarification on why or sign of actually being alive, unlike my last two week disappearance. Unfortunately, this unexpected evaporation does not come with a big "ooh more trauma more lore and angst for scara" thing.

This just happens to be my goodbye post.

I know, it's weird and kind of rude for me to dip for two weeks and then reappear like "hey fuckers im QUITTING hAHaA". Buuuut not only was my dad being annoying and hogging my laptop, I also barely have had time to myself for the past weeks. New family members have been introduced into my life, so now I have double the amount of little siblings to look after. (from 3 to 6. dont ask "how" thats a personal thing). juggling that with school, social stuff, fucking exams which are coming up in 3 months of my gOD, and other even more personal demons that I've been battling, its been. a lot.

SO, to make sure I do not pull the same move as Scaramouche did on the last day of his sakurarealm torture(iykyk), I'm taking a leave from tumblr. Don't know how long I'll be gone, don't know if I'll ever be back, but I didn't just wanna quit without at least telling you guys so you don't think I've been murdered or something.

On a more serious note, thank you all for all of the support and love you've given Scara and all my other blogs. While some of you are a handful, the majority of you are actually the sweetest and silliest community of people I've ever known. I hope you all have excellent lives.

Now, as for what happens to Scara, we're shoving him in another coma. which is entirely at the mercy of Wanderer's mod, because they're my friend outside of tumblr too and i trust that they'll use this as a major angst moment. Put an F for Cyrille and Scara guys

NOW: a few honorable mentions and thank yous:

@wandering-hat-guy : im not writing a goodbye type thing for you because i will literally talk to you tomorrow, but thank you for being an awesome brother-sibling figure. you are the wanderer to my scara :]

@an-active-rabbit : Thank you for being an extremely fun person to rp with. The puppets and the heart is a rp that wont leave my mind for a while yet. Many hugs for you! And I wont be forgetting Mikaven anytime soon >:3

@cyrille-leclair-de-fontaine : AUGH budddyyy im sorry to do this to you. But thank you for creating Cyrille in the first place. Cyscara my beloveds, they will always hold a place in my heart. Maybe one day they'll actually get somewhere. Im also willing to be your friend outside of tumblr if you wish because you're cool >:D

@dishonxsty : For also being a goofy little goober. My favorite rp with you was definitely the ouppy's and scara, and also kudos to you for making like 17 bajillion blogs and being able to manage them all at once somehow like???? go king go

Annnd @monsieur-neuvillette , who seems random because I havent rped with them in literally a century, but thank you for being the one to indirectly help me get over my fears of starting a rp blog AND being the inspo for me to start rping on tumblr in the first place. hugs for you too

Well, alls said that's been said, so I think I'll just end it off here, because it's been like 10 minutes since I started typing this and I am eepy.

Goodbye everyone except wandermod, and thank you for sticking with me through Scara's really out of pocket journey.

(PS: Rest in peace @the-tainted-blossom . I miss you everyday.)

[thoughts-and-other-thoughts]

finding solace

sirius black x son reader

description: sirius and his son havent had much time to catch up, but it seems he and harry have already bonded as father-son. you feel neglected and sirius realizes he's been neglecting you as a father.

--

The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix was bustling with activity. Harry Potter and Sirius Black were engrossed in conversation, catching up with each other since Sirius's return from Azkaban. While this was happening, you watched from a corner of the dimly lit room. Lately, it seemed like Harry was the only person his father had time for. It had been two years since your father's return, and you hadn't been able to talk to him much at all. You couldn't help but feel neglected, and it was beginning to weigh on you.

One night, after everyone had gone to bed, you found yourself alone in the living room. You couldn't hold back his tears any longer, you were thinking too much about everything with your father and were filled with self-doubt. Remus noticed you while passing by the room. And he cleared his throat to make his presence known. He walked over to the couch next to yours.

"May I sit here, Y/n?" Remus asked gently.

You wiped your tears away hastily before answering. "Sure, Remus."

Remus sat down. "What's bothering you, Y/n?"

Leo hesitated for a moment before opening up. "It's just... it seems like my dad only cares about Harry. I've never even really talked to him before, and I can't help but wonder if I'm not good enough for him to pay attention to. I've never really had a father, he's been in Azkaban, and in the orphanage, you don't find parents." You laughed a bit at how that sounded. You hadn't intended to say so much but once your mouth opened you couldn't stop yourself, and your tears seemed to be flowing with no bounds.

Remus put a comforting arm around your shoulders, bringing you close. "I understand why you feel that way, but your father cares about you deeply. Sometimes he gets so caught up in protecting Harry that he forgets to show it. Still, that doesn't make it right, I'll talk to him about it, okay?"

You nodded, grateful for Remus's understanding and now reassured that he would talk to Sirius.

The next day, after a particularly tense Order meeting, Remus found an opportunity to speak with Sirius regarding your feelings.

"Sirius," Remus began with a stern tone, "I want to talk to you. Do you realize how much time you've been spending with Harry in comparison to Y/n? If you haven't, then you should know that Y/n's been feeling pretty neglected, and he's not wrong for it. You need to change something."

Sirius's expression shifted from concern to guilt. "I didn't even realize. I've been so focused on Harry and the Order..."

Remus put a hand on Sirius's shoulder. "I know, but Y/n needs you too. He's your son, and he deserves your attention." Remus understood to some point how Sirius was feeling, he was the one who had gone through Azkaban and he could tell his mind was still a bit scattered.

Later that evening after dinner, Sirius sought you out and found you in the kitchen, sitting at the dining table. Your expression showed that you were still feeling down.

"Y/n, can we talk?" Sirius asked gently, and you nodded, "I'm so sorry for not being there for you as much as I should have been. I've been absent and I'm sorry for not making as much of an effort to be here now. I'm honestly still sort of messed up, but I'm not going to let that excuse anything, and I promise from here onward I will make more of an effort to be present."

You looked up, surprised and relieved. "Really, Dad?"

Sirius nodded, a deep sense of guilt in his eyes. "Absolutely. We'll do things together, just the two of us, like we should have all along. I don't want you to feel neglected when you have me."

He wrapped an arm around you and you leaned into his touch, taking in his musk scent, and it felt like the rift that had formed between the two of you was beginning to slowly heal.

[cetra]

I was tagged by @gwynbleidd to fill out this thingy for my OC. thank you! 🧡 uhhh I havent done one of these in a while because i havne't been very socially active here (And i wasn't able to do the spotify one I was tagged in a few times because uhhh spotify is not my main source of music i'm sorry) but I really need to correct that so okay i did this with my boy Killian. if anyone else wants to do it I tag SOME!! of the OC mutuals @bg3 @boginki @camelliagwerm @dekarios @mightymizora @mythrae @loveofdetail @nightwardenminthara @captaintiny @glamfellens @killerspinal And I'm Stopping Here before i end up embarrassing myself forgetting people or tagging way too many people...... and feel free to do this if I didnt tag you of course... Okay shoving all this under the cut ⬇️

[Image ID: A banner for my original character named Killian. To the left is a circle containing a portrait of a saint. Extending from the circle towards the right is a painting of gold stardust against a black backdrop. Torwards the middle of the banner is the name "Killian" written in a zany typeface. /End ID.]

I stole your banner idea Jackie 😭

NAME: Killian NICKNAME: Kil, Second Man but that’s more of a title GENDER: Male (he/him) STAR SIGN: the western zodiac doesn’t exist in my little world HEIGHT: 6'1ft / ~185cm ORIENTATION: he'll kiss anyone! He'll kiss you NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY: from the beautiful and proud nation of Airde (sadly not a real place and only exists in my head) FAVORITE FRUIT: probably an apple… he seems like an apple guy, plus apples grow in his home town so there's that added layer of familiarity and comfort. FAVORITE SEASON: Summer FAVORITE FLOWER: I haven’t thought of that, he probably likes yellow flowers the most because yellow is his favorite after all FAVORITE SCENT: it sounds cheesy and maybe odd but probably the smell of his adoptive dad, who i think always smelt like cured meats and freshly baked bread because he owned a tavern COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: Hot chocolate AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP: when living back home he would always get his 8 hours in and maybe an extra hour or 2 with an afternoon nap… when off on his adventures of course he loses some sleep because he’s a lot busier but he sleeps whenever he can. Later on in his journeys though like during the war and because of trauma he barely sleeps at all unfortunately DOGS OR CATS: Cats!!! DREAM TRIP: I would say his dream trip is just the outside world in general which comes true, he was really excited to see the ocean in particular especially because he lived so far inland NUMBER OF BLANKETS: Just one light one or sometimes he doesnt even need one… he runs warm even in the winter RANDOM FACT: I wish he was real 👍

[glowxie]

does yalls therapist give u advice that would NOT fucking fly on here too or is mine just in her 50s

[rant below]

like ok. since the truth abt wilbur dropped it has been a steady topic in therapy (sidenote- i literally do not know why but this is a common thing for me. i often get obsessed w media, run w that for maybe a year, fall out of the fandom but still latch onto a couple characters/creators/whathaveyou. for dsmp it was the sorry boys with HEAVY emphasis on ran and wil)

i also have ocd and have a really hard time with "morality" as i call it. genuinely dont know what else to call it. anyway that translates a lot into completely dropping people/musicians/creators etc when i find out theyve actively hurt people.

it's also me doing genuine hours of research into new people and never being able to just casually like something. if a song plays and ive heard more than 2 songs by the artist and i like both i WILL end up doing a deep dive on the artist to see what they have or havent done.

ive been working on that slowly but surely. but anyway. lovejoy. shit got me through when my mom almost died and it felt like a whole new type of grief than what i was already feeling because i KNEW my ocd wouldnt let me listen to them anymore. it was a very back and forth process that i still struggle a lot with.

in therapy it usually goes like

me: like logically i know solely streaming the music on spotify will not bring them very much revenue spotify hates paying their artists and ive never bought merch ive never promoted them ive never made fanart of wil- but my brain thinks immediately if i listen to one song im a horrible person supporting a man that committed domestive violence and is denying it. he has so much support and die hard fans that are going after the victims. i feel like by listening to lovejoy im as bad as them, both him and the fans

her: so. it sounds like youre punishing yourself over something completely out of your control. you did everything you could, went above and beyond to make sure he was a person worthy of your support, yet even his friends didnt know about the abuse at the time. youre keeping yourself from something that you enjoy, something that brought you comfort. you did not know, they didnt know, it wasnt your fault he committed this crime. why should you be punished?

and like. i get it. i really do. i guess part of it is im afraid of what people will think. i do not support wilbur. i fucking hate him for what hes done and i hope he rots in hell. but some of his music brought me comfort in extremely distressing times. listening to music doesnt make me a bad person. knowing does. knowing everything thats happened and continuing to contribute to his fame- thats what kills me about it.

i also know that ran would be so disappointed in me for continuing to listen. so i havent been.

i dont really know what the point of this post is. i guess ive just not seen a perspective like this other than mine. i guess i just hope if other people are afraid like i am (and this is my ocd medicated btw. i have extreme ocd) they can read this and see that if nothing else they arent alone in feeling this way.

[mihai-florescu]

Do you agree with me that we should get rid of "death of the author" and that we should introduce "death of the audience" instead?

"Oooh but how will other people interpret this-" I don't know! I don't care! I wanna know what goes on inside the brain of the person who actually put their time and effort and soul into this. Not five million other people who Did Not Create the Thing.

(Sorry if this is weird but you feel like the most qualified person i know to have an opinion on this)

Disclaimer, im big on believing 2 things coexist at the same time about everything. My mood swings put me in black and white thinking often, but when i can think clearly from both perspectives im still a contrarian and have counter points for my counter points. Im gonna word vomit an answer, im not good at ordering my thoughts but i hope its fine still.

Oh brother i used to go on rants about this (authorial intent, media consumption, fandom culture etc) all of last semester and it's what ultimately led to me giving up on my degree and serious art altogether... i'll attach a few i found in my archive i think are relevant if youre curious beep meep meow. I was writing these posts at the same time as my thesis paper which was more hopeful and aiming to reframe what we consider escapism, but in the end by the finale (last assessment) the hatred won in my heart and i couldnt make a visual project with an audience in mind. I made something, but it was more like a rant with visuals and absolutely failed the "whats the future of this project?" question. Must it have a future for an audience? Its job was to be a confession and a respite, for my own expression. I dont want an audience, im too much of a misanthropic hater and possessive mother to let others see or interpret my ideas. I know it's selfish and counterproductive but i cant help it. You sending this ask made me laugh since it was so relevant to my struggles this year. Id love to break out of this cycle and mindset but i always go back here to these beliefs.

Anyway... i do think the sensible truth is somewhere in the middle. Reader's interpretation is essential for works to gain life in the world and to outlive their authors, and i revere stories for the ability to touch people's hearts and make them learn things about themselves as well as other's way of thinking (reading is a process of interpretation and contemplation afterall isnt it? Well, active reading at least. Citation to my written thesis). But im not a fan of fandom lens interpretations that so often flatten stories.

I think for our shared stories of interest authorial intent is particularly fun to think about. Commercial works made to sell gacha games but which do have heart and profound messages theyre trying to convey. But also made with an audience in mind. I havent been able to formulate any particularly riveting conclusions, but i would love to know if anyone has focused on such topics. Everything deserves analysis and attempts at understanding... and i find authorial intent an invaluable insight that can never be cast aside. Works gain lives of their own after theyre set free into the world, but they dont spawn fully formed from thin air ready for "consumption"...

Uuu im trying to decide if i should link to you a story about storytelling i wrote and illustrated in a day, and a video about humanity and the power of imagination as salvation and damnation... if i say "i'll share them, but only if you erase from your mind that i wrote them" it'd be hypocritical after everything i just spilled out. But too much knowledge about the author is scary too... not for the audience as much as the author himself. It's the audience who has the final laugh of judgement and interpretation... but it's scary to let others into your mind, to see things you spent time and energy on? I wish i could channel my death of the audience defiance into proudly sharing works without caring who sees them rather than deciding nothing is worth making anymore since im so mistrustful. Alas! Maybe one day i'll stop being a self absorbed, self sabotaging prey animal

[gemsstudy]

So I am learning Korean as well, I am able to read and write...I understand the Hangul chart fully I mean and I have studied most of the grammar as well...and I am a bit confused on how I should move forward...Do you have any Ideas? Since you are a b1 in Korean...hehe

first i wanna say my b1 level is self-assessed. i mean, i feel pretty confident about this assesment, but i havent taken an official test or the topik yet.

i feel like moving between levels is the hardest part tbh...i felt like i hit a wall when transitioning to intermediate..but what i found helped me the most was really figuring out where i was lacking and working on that. just doing random lessons isn't helpful and i think you really need to structure your learning in a way that's super personal to you.

-for me, i know listening and speaking are my hardest areas..so i put a lot of focus on listening by listening to podcasts and watching youtube videos about things i like (makeup, skincare, kpop content with my fav groups) and use active listening..i usually watch these videos more than once too, one time without eng subs and then with to gage my initial understanding. i also take note of new vocab or grammar points. make sure with content like this though that it's just above your level. listening to things where you don't understand literally anything is not helpful. you need to be able to get the jist of what is going on even if you don't understand every single word/grammar.

-i also do tutoring once a week (sometimes twice if i have the time. i use the website preply) and we focus on my speaking and comphrension. she gives me sentence building and dictation hw too. i also ask her for regular assessments and what she thinks i can improve on. i just joined my korean language club at school so that's another way ive been exposing myself to korean and working on my speaking. i alsoooo speak out loud..anything i'd think or say to myself in english, i try to say in korean. not only does it help me get comfortable forming sentences, but it's a good way to pinpoint vocab/grammar i may not know.

-i try to make time each week to write in a diary (i used to post on here but not as often recently lol) and i also read in korean on different news sources. im slowly working my way thru 죽고 싶지만 떡볶이는 먹고 싶어 as well.

i guess tdlr; assess via a tutor, teacher, or just yourself and figure out what areas you're lacking in and build a plan around that. if you feel like you've progressed outside of just relying on textbooks, find other ways to supplement your learning like tutoring, language club, youtube/netflix, etc. exposure/immersion is key.

this was so long im so sorry but i hope this helped!!! you can message me too if you'd like!

[johannwolfgangvongoethe]

taking koga nui outside

(koga-watch diary below, except its all about adonis actually)

i havent been able to find a piercing/charm the right size and shape for his left ear yet, so he has a little bat for now :)

its almost june, so rose bloom started. heres another image but a spider snug in lol. its an araniella cucurbitina!! their bright abdomens are quite pretty imo.

sorry if i end up spamming nui images with literally every rose in the garden. maybe with the vegetable patch too.... but first id like to make some matching overalls for him or smth.......

btw happy official adonis center event announcement!! (F to the intern who paid for the accidental leak) i am looki- i am actually terrified of it. since hidden beast was really really ooc and horribly written and multiple levels of offensive. specifically noting this down so i can come back in a week. if its even slightly better than hidden beast, ill count that as a semi-success i guess. but rei is the 4*. so. oh well. a lookback-story makes for a great setup in theory but enstars loves to waste good chances & i think theyre neither comfortable nor able to provide something decent for it.

i feel like undead has had One good center event with nightless city live. bride light was perfectly cute and fluffy and important for kaoru but otherwise without impact... flashback was genuinely alright, but while the topic of undead breaking in two halves was really upfront and present, it wasnt really... discussed or resolved???

the one big thing they all have in common is that they Really undersell adonis and make him a background character who just has to endure whatever happens to him...

his involvement in nightless city live and bride light is cool but limited... he sort of feels like a punching bag in seven bridge... flashback has a really interesting narrative role for him but he only gets to briefly voice his discomfort and everyones attempts of reassurance feel a tad bit like a short afterthought and therefore dishonest. and. well. hidden beast. bottom text. ("Yes, senpai, thank you for putting me in a fake life or death scenario, it really builds character <3" WHERE ARE WE....) the only undead event with adonis in an active role that shows off his competence is sandstorm, i think.... so i really hope the trend does not continue. but, well, enstars writing. baby adonis is the cutest ever though... and i guess an arranged marriage plotline could play out interesting enough, maybe. his family is very famous, so sure, this might as well be a thing. "i hope your fav marries a woman" is funnier to say when its eichi. but you dont want that to happen to your guy. not like this wont be resolved by the end of the story on behalf of gacha idol boy game logic and the inviolability of yume. but i would love some drama.

lets see how that goes........ if nothing else, both 5* cgs are stunning and the song is really nice and the outfits are adorable tbh. AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THEY WEAR NAIL POLISH SINCE NIGHTLESS CITY LIVE.... i mean there were the hellsing outfits but hellsing is sort of just a duo lol.

prayer circle for the new koga casual outfit to be really unhinged and for adonis outfit to be..... either really 40yo dad or handsome. either is fine. i dont need them to look good per se. i need them to be funny.

[skeletonsfortea]

hallå!! i havent been here in a minute but im happy there is so much for me to go through and read! so far, I'm enjoying the dynamic between Edge and vulture in your posts, since theyre alike but very different too :)) would VBPS Papyrus (vulture) feel any type of way seeing Edge use VBPS Y/N as a weighted blanket on the couch? lets pretend they both fell asleep and didnt expect anyone to come home yet, though vulture's presence wakes Edge up for a few seconds leading to some awkward eye contact before Edge carries sleeping Y/N somewhere else! sorry I have an active imagination and even tho its weird there are times I like to imagine if vulture had opportunities to work on himself he could have a happy relationship with y/n...maybe not perfect but better at least! I like him a lot! förlåt!!!

your new chapter was amazing btw!

Thank you very much! Glad you're enjoying! And no need to apologize, I like him too!

Also I totally misunderstood the assignment and ended up writing a scene 😅 lol

(I'mma casually switch to using their nicknames in place of their real names by the way, cause it gets so confusing...)

Stepping into the house, Vulture shuts the door quietly behind himself, only to stop in surprise when he sees what's ahead of him. The younger version of himself is leaned up on the arm of the couch, with you draped over his front, your head resting on his shoulder in a way that looks slightly uncomfortable for your neck. He frowns when the familiar feeling of sadness squirms in his soul. Grief, even. For...for...he isn't able to figure it out before Edge's eye sockets open. For a moment, they both just stare at each other in silence. Then, slowly, Edge manages to gather you in his arms, getting off the couch to go upstairs. Vulture just watches, pain echoing through his soul.