#sorry i took so long to answer this i suck with anons but anonymous kindness is so sweet you really dont have to

[pessimisticprincess]

I check on you every day and I wish the absolute best for you. Please keep your head up pretty girl, better things are coming ❤️

okay this makes me want to cry a lil thank you so much for checking on me and sending this and being so kind 😭🖤

[ao3-sucks]

my own ao3 experience was that i got into it when i was in a huge fandom that had a bunch of underage and incestuous pairings and fics. i really started getting into it when i was like fresh into middle school and not soon after that id start reading a bunch of explicit fics. basically pretty sure reading that stuff is what made me feel anxious around my 2 older siblings and like if i showed any kind of affection like even a hug or just laughing at a joke sometimes itd be seen as a sign of attraction. im in my 20s now and it still really affects me. i feel like less valid with my online trauma somehow bc i did it to myself lol.

  Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I got manipulated by an adult into writing an extremely triggering fic about rape and abuse between two young siblings, and ended up having to draw on my own traumatic experiences for it. I pretended to be okay with it, and let them say it was my fault it was like that, and when I finally got tired of hiding it and publicly called them out on it, multiple people defended them, using that pretense against me. I still haven't fully recovered from that. Sometimes I wonder if it really was my fault. 

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

thank you SO MUCH for this blog, I was groomed into thinking the wildest of things were acceptable by fandom people, and it wasnt until i was about 15 or 16 that i finally wised up and dropped the thinking once and for all. thank you again and have a really good week!

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I don’t really know how old the post that talked about the experience of one of the mods with ao3 is, but just in case, this is about that post that had mentions of r//pe and @“cest. And damn, I’ve never stopped to think that my aversion to sex maybe came from my early exposure to that kind of stuff, now I know that I’m asexual, but it’s comforting to see that I’m not alone in this, so thank you for sharing your story

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

god this is probably stupid and you dont have to post this if you don't want to, but thank you so much for making this page. ive had similar experiences in online fandom and ive really struggled with classifying any of it as "real" since it was all online. that post talking about your experience with everything was really eye opening for me. thank you for reminding me im not alone.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

wrt your ao3 essay // thank you for sharing your story about ao3. ive had some similar experiences, but i never interacted with anyone on ao3, just read ff. in around a 1-2 years of consuming that content, i had developed some psychosis relating to sexual trauma, but i never had anything happen to me so i didnt really know what to think. i was just scared. its nice to know that.. it wasnt just random? that more people are talking about this? something like that. thank you. i hope you are well.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

i just read through your experiences and while i was never really involved with fanfiction during my childhood, i WAS exposed to plenty of other weird interactions on other sites starting probably as early as 11  and just realized that me starting to use the internet more probably coincides with me showing similar things such as starting to hate being touched and consider myself asexual/sex repulsed. it was nothing that i'd considered to be that impactful or big a deal before and there weren't really specific people to blame, but i definitely don't know how to feel about this knowledge now.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

just read that post abt your ao3 experience and holy fuck, so sorry you had to go through that. but also, thank you. its scary to think tht ive cldve been in the same situation since i was browsing the internet from a v young age. i was huge into roleplaying and thereve been a few times where it became, uuh... not completely sfw (unknowingly to me, i just wanted to rp). but the moment it became too weird, i ghosted n blocked (i had a very anti-internet-stranger policy). again, thanks. take care

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I was 12 when I got my first ship. I got into it because of the cute art online and I never once thought about it being bad. It was pedophilic amongst other things. I just started writing fic, so I wrote for this ship. I was asked to write straight up human AU "porn where xyz is a pedo" by people far older than me. I didn't know any better, I wrote it and every other request like it. It go so bad that I though that pedophilia was OKAY. It took me so long to unlearn that and many other things because of that ship and I still feel bad for ever having shipped it. So when people say things like "fiction doesn't effect reality" it makes me mad. It teaches little kids that things like pedophilia and rape are okay.

I opted to answer these as a group because they are all so similar. It breaks my heart how often I get anons, post replies, and reblogs about my AO3 essay from people saying that my experiences closely mirrored theirs. I hope that everyone who has sent me these messages can forgive themselves for what happened to them, and know that it’s not your fault that other people decided to take advantage of you. I’m working on healing, and I hope you can all do the same.

- Mod Daft

[shenanigans-and-imagines]

The Senator and The Chiss

Until We Meet Again: Part 1/?

Thrawn x Senator!Reader, Female Pronouns

Summary: You are a newly appointed Senator of you home planet, trying your best to make it through Ascension week in one piece. Things take a turn for the interesting when you meet a Lieutenant of the Imperial Navy unlike any you have seen before.

Loosely based on an anon request.

A/N: I’m not exactly sure where this is going. I plan this to be a series of one shots revolving around this Senator!Reader. If your interested in reading more about her and Thrawn, feel free to send any request my way! And remember REBLOG AND COMMENT IF YOU LIKE THIS!!!

Word Count: 2.6K

Ascension week was proving to be more exhausting than you had anticipated.

You understood what was expected of you and had mentally prepared to be on your feet for every day of the celebrations. But after only three days, the names and faces were starting to blur together until nothing mattered except going home and finally getting some sleep.

You clung to the sides of the ballroom, enjoying the moment’s peace while you could. You had long forgotten where exactly you were or even the host’s name. A twist of guilt resided in your stomach because of it. With any luck you could remain anonymous for another hour or so, as to not appear rude when you left early. The dress and hairpiece you were wearing, however, were making things difficult.

The wardrobe was ceremonial in nature, meant to mark you as a leader of your people. The dress was perfectly tailored to your figure with vibrant greens interwoven with golden and silver thread sewn together in a striking pattern. An elaborate crown was braided into your hair making it appear as if golden vines resided there blooming with silver flowers. It was a striking sight, meant to represented the life of your homeworld and the pride of your people.

Governor Lir had declared you a vision when you had arrived, assuring you were a testimate to Danu and would be the talk of Courscant.

You had thanked him, but knew his words rung partially false. Even when your aids had finished the final touches, you could feel yourself being buried under the weight of the dress. The metal vines poked and pulled at your scalp. You had almost tripped upon first entering the ballroom. If it weren’t for having Governor Lir’s arm, you would have fallen. It was obvious to any with a pair of eyes, and especially yourself; the dress was wearing you rather than you wearing it.

Perhaps you just needed practice. You had only been Senator of Danu for a handful of months and had just settled into your office on Courscant a few weeks ago. It would take time to adjust. But as you looked over the sea of people in the ballroom, all veteran politicians, military men, and various other powerful figures, it was becoming clear time wasn’t on your side.

You took a sip of your wine. Maybe you could convince Governor Lir you needed to rest. Surely he had introduced you to enough people for the evening.

You spotted him across the room, engaged with a handful of other Outer Rim governors.

It would have to wait. You didn’t want to be accidently sucked into another trade routes discussion, if you could help it.

You continued to walk until you came across a set of heavy curtains. They appeared hastily put up. Peaking out of one of the corners you could just make out the bright colors of some kind of mural. Most likely the host didn’t have time to finish it before the start of Ascension week. Regardless, it was exactly the reprieve you needed. Taking a quick glance to make sure you wouldn’t be seen, you ducked under and out of sight.

You turned to face the wall, not wanting to risk backing into wet paint. But, as your eyes adjusted to the dim light, it was clear such precaution was not necessary.

The mural was old, much older than any of the other paintings and portraits placed around the ballroom. The color was starting to fade, but their vibrancy would not die an easy death.

The entire wall was covered in what could only be an ancient star map. Circles and lines weaved along, connecting worlds and stars and planets together in a delicate dance. Each planet stood bodly on their own while still emphasising the importance of the lines connecting them to the rest.

You took a small step back, craning your neck to try and catch every brush stroke. It was then you noticed fresh paint along the corners. At first you assumed it was restoration, but as you examined closer, the darker, subtler color scheme told you otherwise.

A small sting of pain came to your heart. They were painting over it.

The rustle of fabric interrupted your thoughts. You turned toward the sound, an apology ready on your lips when they froze there in wonder.

A new party had entered your sanctuary, but he was unlike anyone you had ever seen.

He was alien, a rarity you had found at events such as these during your short time on Coruscant, but he didn't belong to any species you could name. His humanoid appearance and blue skin should have pointed clearly toward a Pantoran. But his face lacked the usual golden facial tattoos. More importantly his eyes weren’t the usual black or gold; they were a glowing red.

He stood tall exuding an air of confidence which left you transfixed. At first you thought he might be a general or even a prince. But, his uniform and plaque marked him as a Lieutenant of the Imperial Navy.

It felt wrong, somehow.

You blinked, suddenly realizing how long you had been staring. The only comfort you could find was that he had been staring back.

“I’m sorry,” you said, automatically. “Was this your hiding place?”

You held back a wince at your own words. Why would someone like him need to hide?

To your relief, he did not seem to take offence as his lip curled into a mildly amused expression. “No,” he said, in accented Basic. “I was merely hoping for a chance to admire the artwork. Though, it appears I have stumbled upon your hiding place.”

Your eyes darted down in embarrassment. “It was not my intention for it to be so. I just needed a moment to breathe and well…” You looked back toward the painting, and the same regretful pain tugged at your heart once more.

“I will leave you to it, then,” the alien said. He turned to leave, and a sudden panic took you.

“There’s no need,” you said, quickly. “Please, there is more than enough room for two and you may not have another opportunity.”

He paused a moment. His expression was unreadable as his red eyes gazed directly into yours.

You found yourself holding your breath, not even daring to blink.

Then, slowly, he nodded and took a place by your side.

You stood in silence, each allowing the other to observe the mural in peace.

It was actually rather pleasant. You hadn’t realized how long it had been since you had a comfortable silence with someone.

“What do you know of this painting,” he asked.

His tone was surprisingly soft. If he hadn’t addressed you directly, you would have assumed he was asking himself.

“Not much I’m afraid,” you answered. “Judging by how faded it is and the subject matter, I would guess it was commissioned well before The Clone War.”

“That was my conclusion as well. You have a fondness for that era, I take it.”

You gave a small frown. “What makes you say that?”

“You were facing the mural instead of the entrance,” he said, not bothering to take his gaze from the wall. “For one reason or another, this piece overshadowed your desire to remain hidden.”

Your stomach twisted uncomfortably at the truth of his statement as your cheeks grew warm. “I suppose you’re right. In truth, I have a fondness for any era of peace in our galaxy’s history. The Republic was so for nearly a millennium…” You stopped then, a familiar lump forming in your throat. “Until it wasn’t.”

“And what of the Empire?”

You shrugged, swallowing the lump as best you could. “Too soon to tell.”

He said nothing for a moment. His eyes still remained on the mural, but you knew he had taken your words into serious consideration. To what end, you could only guess.

“What other thoughts do you have on the painting?” he asked.

“How do you mean?”

“What do you see? What do you believe drew you to it in the first place?”

He settled his eyes on your now, with just the same focused attention as he had the wall.

“You me aside from its use as an ideal hiding place,” you asked.

His lip twisted upward slightly. “Yes, aside from that.”

You nodded, and allowed yourself a moment to ponder the question. Your eyes wandered again to the mural, to the shapes and colors and the looming ridged strokes along the edges.

“I think it has more to do with the contrast of what is to come,” you said, thoughtfully. “A riot of color rebelling against the darkness.”

You turned your eye to his. They seemed to burn in the dim light. For a moment, you thought you might burn yourself. You looked away, suddenly feeling very small and childish in your explanation.

“But, I am no expert.”

“Perhaps not,” he conceded. “But your answer is telling, nonetheless.”

Your back stiffened, and you raised your chin a little higher. “Do you presume to know me Lieutenant?”

“No,” he said, calmly. “I would not presume to know anything without more data.”

“But you have come to some conclusions.”

“Theories.”

“Which are?”

You were standing even straighter now. You would not allow yourself to be intimidated, especially by a man you barely knew.

He paused then. Something in his expression faltered, as if taken by surprise.

A small swell of pride came to your chest. You had a suspicion surprise was a foreign emotion to the alien.

It only lasted a moment and the impenetrable mask reclaimed its place on his features.

“As I said, I cannot make any certain claims,” he said, carefully. “I can only speculate. But I believe I am correct in saying, you are much bolder than you allow yourself to be.”

You blinked in wonder, not knowing entirely what to say. Slowly, you regained control of your vocabulary. “I will take it under consideration.”

He gave small nod in acknowledgement.

Another silence fell between you. It was not as comfortable as the last one. A new tension was in the air. What it was, you couldn’t name. All you knew was your ears were growing deadly hot.

“For such an intimate evaluation of my character, it feels odd I don’t know your name,” you said, in a light tone.

“Then, allow me to provide a remedy.” He straightened to attention. “I am Lieutenant Thrawn, first weapon’s officer of the Blood Crow, Imperial Navy. And, you?”

You matched him, straightening your posture and holding your head high as if to present yourself to a King. “I am Senator Y/N of Danu,” you said, with a curtsey. “It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance Lieutenant Thrawn.”

“The pleasure is mine, Senator.”

The amused line had made its way back onto his lips.

It was a small change, but you instantly fell at ease making your next question easier to bear.

“Forgive me if I sound ignorant,” you said. “And please know I mean no disrespect. But, I do not believe I’ve seen a member of your species before. May I ask where you come from?”

“There is nothing to forgive,” Thrawn assured. “I’m afraid you would not have heard of my home planet as it is not on any of your star maps. I can, however, tell you that I am Chiss.”

You felt your eyes widen. “Chiss?”

He raised an eyebrow. “You’ve heard of the Chiss?”

“Only stories, folk tales really.” You were gawking now, you knew you were, but it couldn’t be helped. “I wasn’t entirely convinced you were real.”

“Indeed,” he said. “And how did a senator come to hear such stories?”

“Danu is part of the Outer Rim, boarding Wild Space,” you explained, mentally shaking yourself out of your shock. “My family has employed a number of traders who have explored the Unknown Region looking for hyperspace lanes or even just new trading partners. They all come back with stories.”

“Which you were inclined to listen too.”

You shrugged. “A good story is a good story, it doesn’t matter where it came from or how true it is. Although, it appears some of them may be.”

“Perhaps,” he said, thoughtfully. “I would be interested to hear these stories. A small handful have been relayed to be by my translator, Ensign Vanto. I am curious what similarities and differences may arise after comparing them to another source.”

A small smile tugged at the corner of your mouth. “And I would be fascinated to hear the stories straight from the Gualaar’s mouth,” you said. “But before we begin, I have one more question to ask of you.”

“Which is?”

“What do you think of the mural?”

Thrawn paused, his brow furrowing slightly.

“You were able to deduce some of my character from the exercise,” you said. “It’s only fair I be given the same opportunity.”

Thrawn again, said nothing. Finally he nodded. “You’re quite right.”

He was quite a long moment.

You could see the wheels of his mind turning behind his eyes. You would have given anything to know exactly what he was thinking. But as was becoming a habit, you could only guess.

Another moment passed before he blinked smoothly back to reality.

“I believe you and I see much the same thing,” he said. “But our conclusions differ as to their ultimate meaning.”

You felt your lips purse at his rather cryptic answer. You were about to ask him what exactly he meant when the curtains behind you parted.

“Lieutenant Thrawn,” an older man snapped. “I’ve been looking… Oh, my apologies.”

He faltered slightly upon seeing you, but soon gained his footing as he stood to attention.

“No need to apologize, Colonel,” Thrawn said. “Allow me to introduce Senator Y/N of Danu. Senator, this is Colonel Yularen of the ISB.”

The Colonel gave a small bow in greeting. “An honor, Senator.”

“The honor is mine,” you replied. “In truth, I should be apologizing to you. It seems I’ve distracted the Lieutenant from his duties.”

“Only for a moment,” the Colonel said, in a good natured, but firm tone which oddly reminded you of your grandfather. “But, I’m afraid I will have to steal him away from you.”

“Of course,” you said, even if you felt a small prick of pain at the loss.

He looked to Thrawn. “Lieutenant.”

“One moment, Colonel,” Thrawn said, as he turned his attention to you. “I would like to continue our discussion at a later date. Is there a time and place convenient for you?”

“I will be attending gatherings every evening this week,” you said, trying to repress the sudden surge of excitement bubbling beneath the surface. “However, I will be in my office tomorrow afternoon, if you can spare the time.”

“I am certain I can. Until tomorrow Senator.”

“Until tomorrow.”

He gave a small bow and turned to follow Colonel Yularen back into the light of the ballroom.

You stood there a moment reeling from the experience. So many questions buzzed in your mind each fighting for your attention until they became a jumbled mess. He thought you were bold?

You shook the thought away, but it didn’t stop your cheeks from growing warm once again.

Perhaps it was too soon to tell, but you had a strange feeling you would be seeing much more of Lieutenant Thrawn than just your upcoming meeting. You weren’t sure what to make of the sensation that now beat fast in your heart. All you could do was wait and see what the galaxy had in store.

Taking a small breath, you step forward towards the light. Your dress felt lighter now. The crown upon your head did not pull and prod. Your steps were smooth and easy.

However this played out, it was certain to be interesting.

[prettywordsyouleft]

That’s It?

Prompt: #119 for anon – “I just really need to talk to you.”

Anonymous said:

May I request 119 with Im Changkyun??? Thank youuu

Pairing: Im Changkyun x reader

Genre: fluff

Warnings: none

Word count: 1198

There were always sentences that would provoke certain emotions in a person. Some would spark joy or excitement, others contempt and annoyance.

But there was one that was universally dubbed as anxiety-inducing.

I need to talk to you.

Changkyun swallowed, the sentence hadn’t even been spoken out loud and still he felt the immediate surge of concern. Why did you need to talk to him? What had he forgotten about or done wrong to warrant such a sentence?

He stared at the simple message on his phone for several minutes, blindly jostled by his best friend Jooheon. “Dude, you look unwell, all good?”

“Ah, well, I don’t know,” Changkyun admitted, allowing Jooheon to read your message. “This doesn’t really bode well, right?”

“That’s from Y/N?” Jooheon asked and Changkyun nodded. Jooheon dismissed the apparent anxious expression on his friend’s face. “I saw her earlier in the staff room, she seemed completely fine.”

“To you, but maybe I’ve done something?” Changkyun wondered softly, letting out a heavy sigh. He started to brood, over-analysing every aspect of his recent interactions with you. He couldn’t think of anything that he had done to warrant your need to send him such a message and dropped his head into his arms with a groan.

Jooheon patted his shoulder gently. “You know, it could be something good.”

“There’s no exclamation mark,” Changkyun replied immediately, glancing up at Jooheon. “I wonder what it is that I’ve done wrong.”

“Only one way to find out, message her back.”

“Right now? I uh, I need to get back to work. These emails aren’t going to send themselves.”

Jooheon shrugged. “The sooner you rip off the band-aid, the quicker whatever it is will be over and done with.”

Of course, Changkyun opted to do all his remaining work before approaching your message. When he logged off his computer, he looked to his phone, noticing the flashing notification light. Heaving in a deep breath, he unlocked the device and saw another message from you.

I just really need to talk to you.

Guilt washed over him for making you wait so long as he cowardly protected himself from whatever you had to say. Hitting the call button, he balanced the phone on his shoulder as he collected his belongings and managed to pull on his coat. You answered after the fourth ring. “Finally!”

“Sorry, I was caught up in work, is everything okay?”

“No, you made me wait all day,” you grumbled and Changkyun sighed as he walked towards the elevator.

“Well I’m free now, can you tell me over the phone or-”

“In person, this is kind of important,” you intervened breathlessly. “I’m waiting for you by your car.”

“Oh, right.” Stepping into the elevator, he pressed the ground level button and swallowed awkwardly. “I’ll be there shortly.”

It felt like the longest ride ever and yet when Changkyun reached the bottom, he almost pressed the highest floor button to ride away from his concerns. He knew he had dragged this out far too long now. Jooheon had been right. His mood wouldn’t have stumbled this low had he done something about this hours ago.

When he spotted you, Changkyun tried to gauge your expression. You didn’t smile, and that made his stomach knot up further. He soon reached your side, lifting an awkward hand in greeting. “Hey.”

“Hey, can we talk in your car?” you asked quickly and numbly Changkyun nodded, unlocking the doors and went over to the driver’s side. Once in the car, he didn’t look directly at you, rather, angling himself so he could see you enough without giving off that he was anxious.

It was then that he realised you were fiddling with your ring on your finger and his brows knitted together. “Is it something bad?”

“What?” Dazed, you shook your head. “No, it’s nothing bad.”

“Really?”

“It’s serious though,” you admitted, looking in every part of the car except in his direction. “I uh, have something I need to tell you.”

Changkyun took a shaky breath, trying to guess the words that would come from your mouth. When he landed on the idea of you potentially leaving him, it made him lurch forward, taking your hand in his and shaking his head. “You’re not- we’re not changing how we are right?”

“Well, it might change after I say this,” you said, blinking several times. “Changkyun, I-”

“But I don’t want us to change,” he breathed, shaking his head again. “I like how we are. I know we’ve only been together for nine months now but I don’t want to break up and-”

“What? Break up? Where did you get that from?”

Desperation had taken over and his words started falling out in quick succession. “Well, you said you needed to talk and that only means one thing which is never good and so that’s why I avoided having this happen earlier in the day because I don’t want things to be bad between us, Y/N. I want us to-”

“Changkyun, I love you,” you confessed and he sucked in so much air that he began to hiccup. Watching him for a moment, your lips slowly spread into a smile. “Are you hiccupping because I love you?”

“Wait a min—ute,” he managed, trying to rid himself of the problem he was facing. And then he shot you another look. “Did you just sa—y you lo—ve me?!”

“Oh my goodness, you sound so cute right now!” you giggled, cupping his face within your hands. “I love you. That’s what I want to tell you. I realised this morning how much I needed to tell you. And it drove me mad waiting all day until now to do so.”

“You love me—ee?!”

“Even when you sound so ridiculous. Do you need some water? I think I have a bottle in my bag.”

After gulping down the drink, Changkyun waited for a few seconds to see if he was cured. He then groaned. “I was so anxious all afternoon thinking it was something bad.”

“Why would I have anything bad to say? You only ever make me smile!”

“You sent I really need to talk to you. What else was I meant to think?”

You grinned. “So what are you thinking now?”

“What do you mean?” he asked and you gave him a pointed look. “Oh.”

“Oh? That’s it?!”

“No, I love you too.”

“You said that with barely any effort,” you grumbled, your disappointment evident.

Changkyun smiled, running his hand through your hair. “Because it’s not the first time I’ve said it to you.”

“It is too!”

Changkyun shook his head. “I breathed it into your ear last week.”

“When?!” You were aghast and Changkyun grew sheepish.

“Uh, you were asleep beside me but still-”

“I obviously didn’t hear you then!”

“Can you hear me now?” Changkyun asked and you softened, watching him intently. “I love you too, Y/N. Even if you make me panic over your sentences.”

“You’re not going to let this go, now are you?” you whined and Changkyun chuckled, pulling you into his embrace.

“No, but the good thing is, I’m not letting you go either.”

_________________

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[hi-rubi]

hi Rubi this is 👁 anon!! I sent you an ask off anon but I figured I’d send you another and try to say something else. I read another person’s ask that said your writing balances toxicity and redemption well, and I have to say I really agree with that. I love that you don’t shy away from having your characters do shitty things and then having them suffer through the consequences of said things. I think that’s a really mature way of exploring and handling certain darker topics, and it does show that deep down you believe (or want to believe) that people can change and evolve and be better, whether for themselves or for love etc! it’s been something I think about a lot - the way that in your stories, no one is inherently unlovable; characters who believe that eventually realize their own worth, and they learn to fight for themselves.

(sorry this is gonna get long and I hope this doesn’t count as trauma-dumping?) recently I kinda took a step back from a friendship I had with my ex-crush: I really liked him, he didn’t like me that way, and it was hard on both of us? like we changed. we were best friends for a few months and he’d be the first person I talked to when I woke and the last I talked to before I slept. at some point he called me his best friend and deliberately made time to talk to me (like he worked on his class work beforehand so he could message me during class). and when he got a lot more distant I actually would just wrestle with myself and the feelings of loneliness and rejection. I once wrote you a very rambly long anon that I’m slightly ashamed about (bc I really shouldn’t have trauma-dumped in your inbox), but anyway... I realized there were some key differences between us (funnily enough the dispute was about the Mineta update; I was like “omg not Mineta” and he was like “these people suck for looking for representation in the wrong places”) and then I realized... this wasn’t good for me. I tried to not love him (and I will say I’m not in love with him anymore for sure) but it always hurts when you’re the one that’s more invested, right? not his fault that he’s not as invested though bc we don’t owe each other anything. so yeah I’m just taking steps back to not be so dependent on him (bc it’s draining to the both of us)! (it’s kinda sad that I’d been writing in my journal since April about how sad I’d felt about him distancing himself, and that it’s taken Four Months for me to actually stand up for myself and say what I wanted to say, but at least it’s done now! that’s something to be proud of, right? I never used to stand up to people I loved. I’d internalize everything, and then my self-esteem would just sink lower and lower. I’m glad that while this guy wasn’t It for me, at least he’s decent enough and cares about my feelings.)

anyway this long rant is just for me to say that reading your fics has been cathartic for me. the first time I read your fics (I think the rich boy Shoto one), I was sobbing by the time I read to part 5. I felt really lonely and I was wishing he would love me. but like slowly as I kept reading and kept thinking and evaluating, I realized I don’t need /him/ to love me. and sure I’m not perfect and I might have some of my own kinds of toxicity, but that doesn’t mean I’m not worth loving! I’m still working hard to love myself. I’m learning to be compassionate with myself while not giving myself excuses for toxic behavior (eg passive-aggressiveness, overthinking, etc).

I just wanted to tell you that you are a beautiful person (both in and out!!). I could tell this not just from what you write, but from how you interact with the people in your inbox, whether anonymous or not. you have such a big heart, and you pour so much of yourself into your writing. I can see how it’s been both cathartic and perhaps a little destructive to keep ruminating on certain scenarios you’ve dealt with. but also I’m so glad for you that you’re starting to see more hope and light, and hopefully you’re starting to need this coping mechanism less. you are wonderful, not just in what you give others, but in what you are.

when I was looking for MHA smut in the tumblr tag I wasn’t expecting to feel all of this and to experience this change. thank you for that. know that in your journey, there are people who are rooting for you!! love, 👁 anon

p.s. I read your ask about New York and I hope you feel a little more at home now!! you sound like an amazing person to be friends with. even though I’m nowhere near New York (I’m moving from my country to the UK which is still far from NYC), I hope someday I’ll be able to befriend someone like you! and I hope you enjoy the city and the friendships and the drinking and all of it 💜 take care Rubi! known you are loved. the stars cast their love on you.

Ohhhhh my gosh. Eye anon I have so many thoughts putting under cut.

I literally went through the exact same thing. That guy was the reason I wrote half my pieces. Like, scumbag bakusquad and all these other works were about HIM. I know SO WELL how you must feel right now. It is the worst, most painful fucking feeling in the world. The only reason I got over that guy was literally because I went on Wellbutrin (an antidepressant), and I realized my fixation with him (and other guys/things in the past) was quite literally because of my mental illness.

Please, please, please, PLEASE cut him off entirely. I think you mentioned you took a step back from your friendship; I want you to stop reaching out and messaging him completely. You don't have to take my advice, but if I could go back in time and tell myself something, it would be this:

Romanticize your life. Start working out and eating healthy. Get to a point where you feel good about your body. Switch up your fashion and wear shit you'd never normally wear. Experiment with makeup. Meet and talk to as many new people as you can. Go to new places in your city, whether it's a cool new library 30 minutes away or a pretty flower exhibit at the arboretum. Fall deeply in love with your friends and your family. If I were to write a story about you: you are literally a kind, beautiful main character who is moving to the new UK for a fresh start after being hurt in the past, and learns to love herself and others in the process.

Above all, never, ever get upset with yourself for falling for someone. You are an amazing person full of so much love, and he was someone you chose to bless with your emotions. But you probably love so many other things around you- your friends, the crisp air when you go on 7 AM morning runs, the nice lady who compliments your skirt at the store....... he is not unique. He's just one lucky person that got to experience your feelings.

You see how when you romanticize your life and paint yourself as the main character of your narrative, it helps shift everything into perspective? That is what helped me get over him. While my medication did most of the heavy lifting, that mentality just changed the game for me. I hope that you can internalize that, too. It takes a ton of work but I believe in you, and I want to hear updates on how beautiful your life is!! I would also recommend writing it all in a journal/online diary of some sort.

Whoa. You brought up.... SUCH an incredible point. "I can see how it’s been both cathartic and perhaps a little destructive to keep ruminating on certain scenarios you’ve dealt with." You're so right, it was destructive. I was always so absorbed in the cathartic part of it that I was always confused why I felt so destroyed afterwards. I literally wrote that quote doc on my "romanticization" document. There's something so beautiful and poetic about that line.

Thank you so, so much for sending this in. Your incredibly sweet words made me reread this message so many times and also save it. I really really appreciate you being here and I'm so happy I met you <3 Sorry this answer was SO long but eye anon I just.......... I'm just hugging you so hard right now. It feels like I'm talking to myself from the past and I just want you to know that I know what you're going through, and you will persevere.

[badstoriesaboutgoodpeople]

Hands Off

Word Count: 1926

Warnings: some swearing, some smut, all the good stuff basically

AN: Hey, long time no see! I finally wrote something wow look at me go. This is for my 🥭 anon who requested some possessive PLD smut. I’m sorry it took me so long, I hope you enjoy it! I haven’t written in a while so it might be garbage and if it is I sincerely apologize. If I missed any typos feel free to make fun of me for it, I probably deserve it.

You’d finally had a night off from work and had decided to spend it watching Pierre play, a rare treat for the both of you. It was a good game too, a hard fought win against the Oilers. You’d texted Pierre after the game and told him to meet you at your favourite hole in the wall bar. It was small enough that the two of you wouldn’t garner much attention and would be able to enjoy your evening together. You agreed that you’d go early and grab one of the small booths in the back of the bar while Pierre did post game media and whatever else he needed to. You made the journey on foot having taken an Uber to the arena and soon enough you were walking into the bar, its warm lighting and exposed brick walls creating a welcoming and homey environment. You tossed your jacket into one of the booths, the bar close enough that you’d be able to keep an eye on it while you waited for your drink. You had ordered your moscow mule and a mojito for Luc when you saw movement out of the corner of your eye. Thinking it was Luc you looked up but it was a few of the Oilers who’d clearly also hoped the small bar would grant them some level of anonymity. You recognized a few faces but probably couldn’t have named any of them when asked. The group made their way to the big booth in the corner, but one of them drew back and came to sit next to you. You gave him a small smile before turning back to watch the bartender making drinks. You felt a gentle tap on your shoulder and against your better judgement you turned to face him.

“Hey, can I buy you a drink?” he asked, revealing the slightest hint of an accent when he spoke.

“Oh I already have one on the way, thanks though,” you said, not wanting to be rude but trying to demonstrate your lack of interest.

“Oh come on, I can’t even buy you a shot or anything?” he asked before waiving the bartender over and ordering two shots of tequila. You tried to shake your head but soon enough there was a shot glass and a wedge of lime sitting in front of you. He looked at you expectantly and you picked the shot glass up.

“Cheers…” he said, looking at you to fill your name in.

“Y/N, and you are?” you asked.

“Leon. Cheers, Y/N” said Leon, clinking your glasses together before throwing the shot back. You followed suit, biting into the lime after to try to distract from the burning in your chest. By this point the bartender had placed the two drinks you’d ordered in front of you. You gave Leon a small smile before picking them up and taking them to your booth. He watched you go then returned to his team mates. You could hear them talking from where you were seated, and after some teasing and some less than kind chirps he was standing next to you at your seat.

“Waiting for a friend?”

“Something like that,” you said, sipping your drink and looking at your phone.

“Can I at least keep you company while you wait?” he asked, not waiting for your answer before slipping into the seat across from you. You gave him a small but tight smile before looking down at your phone once again. You opened your text thread with Luc and began typing out a message.

Y/N- You almost here? Some Oiler named Leon is flirting with me and I can’t get rid of him

Luc- Draisaitl?? Fuck, I’m on my way now. I’ll be there soon

“That your friend?” asked Leon and you nodded, trying to broadcast your disinterest loud and clear. Leon was just about to ask you something else when you heard the door open and saw Luc nearly sprint over to where you were sitting.

“Hey baby, sorry I’m late,” he said before leaning down to press a kiss to the top of your head. You saw Leon’s face fall as he realized who the “friend” you had been waiting for was.

“Can I help you?” asked Luc, squaring his shoulders and turning to face Leon.

“Nah man I was just keeping her company. Bit rude to keep her waiting don’t you think?” asked Leon, sliding out of the booth with a smirk on his face. Leon brushed past him, sticking his elbow out just enough to shove him a bit before sinking into the booth. Leon walked off without further incident and you let out a breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding.

“Hey, thanks for getting here so quick,” you said, taking a big gulp of your drink.

“Of course,” he said, picking up his mojito and downing it in one go.

“Thirsty?” you asked, chuckling slightly as he slammed his glass down.

“No, just don’t like the way he was looking at you. The whole booth is looking at us right now and I just want to get over here before I punch somebody,” said Luc, tapping his fingers on the tabletop anxiously.

“Well let’s go then hm? Don’t need you following in Sonny’s footsteps,” you said, grabbing your jacket and your bag and shuffling out of the booth. Luc was behind you in an instant to help you with your coat, and he led you out of the bar with a hand on your lower back the whole way. You made it to the car and couldn’t help but notice the way Luc was white knuckling the steering wheel and speeding home a little faster than he usually would. As soon as you were in the house with the door locked behind you Luc had you shoved up against it, mouth captured in a heated kiss. You managed to pull away to breathe for a second only to have Luc dive back in, kissing along your jawline and sucking a mark into your neck.

“Woah hey, can I at least take my jacket off?” you teased, watching Pierre pull away, pupils wide and mouth open slightly. You took your time taking your jacket off and hanging it in the hall closet, taking off your shoes and placing them neatly by the door. Luc, on the other hand had tossed his jacket on the couch and kicked his shoes off haphazardly, one having ended up down the hallway by the kitchen in his effort to get them off. Pierre didn’t even wait for you to follow, he’d already begun unbuttoning his shirt and was working on his belt as he climbed the stairs. You found yourself chuckling as you followed him, slipping your own shirt over your head as you went. Once you made it to the bedroom you ignored Luc who was already naked save for his boxers on the bed and walked over to the closet. You hung your shirt off and shimmied out of your jeans, tossing them onto the pile of laundry Pierre had left at the foot of the bed. You made your way to the ensuite and took off your makeup and brushed your teeth, knowing you’d likely be too lazy to do it later. You could hear Luc grumbling in the bedroom, whining about how long you were taking, and when you finally exited the bathroom he was sitting his back against the headboard, thighs spread slightly; when he saw you he patted his lap and you didn’t waste time wandering over to sit in it. His hands were behind your back almost immediately, undoing your bra and pushing the light blue fabric off your body. He captured your mouth in another kiss as he brought a hand up to toy with your nipple, taking advantage of the small gasp you let out to deepen the kiss. You began rocking your hips without even really noticing, the small groan Luc let out was the first thing that made you realize you were doing it.

“Stop teasing, I just want to fuck you already. Have to remind you who you belong to. Not Draisaitl, not any of them, nobody else, nobody but me. Isn’t that right?” you opened your mouth to respond but the only sound that came out was a whimper as Luc’s hands drifted down to your ass, giving it a light smack before his hands found the waistband of your underwear and started tugging. You ended up having to climb out of his lap completely to rid yourself of them, and Luc took the opportunity to shove his boxers down to mid thigh, not even bothering to kick them off. You moved to straddle him again, and you placed your hands on his broad shoulders to steady yourself, feeling one of Luc’s hands move to your hip to guide you as you sunk down slowly. You didn’t stop until you were fully seated, letting out a small moan while Pierre’s grip on your hips tightened. You gave yourself a minute to adjust, rocking your hips back and forth gently, letting out a startled noise when Luc’s hips bucked, his thighs trembling from the effort it took to stay (mostly) still. You decided enough was enough and lifted yourself up before slowly sinking back down. The two of you groaned in unison, Lucs fingers digging into your hips, your nails digging into his shoulders. You started slow but that lasted approximately three minutes before Pierre started thrusting his hips up to meet yours, his big hands guiding you to move faster.

“Fuck you look so good like this, all mine. My girl, I’m so fucking lucky to have you. Nobody else gets to see just how good you look like this. All for me, fuck!” said Luc, trailing off into a moan when your knees slipped out from under you a bit and your hips slammed together.

“All yours,” you said, leaning in to press kisses along his jawline, burying your face in his neck to muffle a particularly loud moan. When you sat up again Luc immediately moved to bite at your collarbone, leaving marks on the tender skin there. One on each side, two in the middle, and one down lower near the tops of your breasts. You could feel your thighs beginning to tremble but you could also feel your orgasm building.

“Luc, fuck, I’m so close, please-” you siad, but were cut off by a moan when you felt Pierre’s hand move down to rub at your clit.

“Come on my pretty girl, show me how good you look when you come,” said Luc and you were unable to do anything but what he told you to. You came with a loud moan, your legs giving out from under you. You draped yourself across Luc’s chest as you felt his hips speed up and eventually stutter and stop as he came, letting out a low groan bordering on a growl. You stayed that way for a minute, catching your breath together, until Luc finally spoke.

“Did Draisaitl give you his number?”

“No, why?”

“Was gonna send him a picture of all those hickies and show him what he’s missing.” You gave Luc a smack on the shoulder but there was no hiding the way the thought made you clench around him. Luc raised an eyebrow at you before giving you a mischievous grin.

“I’ll ask around the room, I’m sure somebody has it.”

[cupcakemolotov]

Back to You

Anonymous said: How do you feel about time travel?  Also I hope your shoulder feels better.

A big thank you to @goldcaught & @klarolinedrabbles​ for all of their help with getting this finished. And assuring me that this plot wasn’t too convoluted. For the anon who gave me the prompt, so sorry this took so long! hopefully 14.5K of fic makes up for the wait?

Warnings: Smut, Violence, Non-Canon Compliant, Time Travel, Mentions Murder & Torture, Blood Sharing, Hurt & Comfort (kind of), Bondage.

The lobby of the hotel she’d staggered into was ridiculously fancy. Shivering, Caroline ignored the side eye she received from the closest bellhop, as his frown was the least of her worries. Around her the marble floors amplified the soft murmur of voices, and for a moment it was like stepping into a different world. 

Which wasn’t an entirely inappropriate metaphor.

Gaze sweeping the lobby, she sighed in relief and made a beeline for one of the large, fake fireplaces. The blizzard outside had been a seriously unwelcome surprise and she was super underdressed for the weather. The tumble she had taken into a snow drift when she’d crashed back into reality had left her annoyed and wet.

Winter sucked. 

Thankfully she was wearing a jacket, but while cute, it was meant for a crisp autumn afternoon. Apple picking, hot chocolate with too many marshmallows. Pumpkin carving. Not this winter hellscape. Her boots were totally ruined, being neither waterproof nor practical for six inches of snow. Her toes were wet and freezing, her hair damp, and she was shaking like a junkie who needed a hit. 

Although that wasn’t entirely from the snow. 

Crowding close to the faux-fire that still produced heat, she set her teeth and took several deep breaths. Not for the first time did she mourn her inability to meditate. A little inner calm would have done her a world of good. Instead her bones ached, her skin buzzed, and she felt like a single misstep would her send her carenning back into the void. 

God, she was so fucking thirsty. 

Time travel was honestly the worst. No one really thought about the after effects of being tossed into the future without a by-your-leave, the way your body took time to catch up to reality while your bones tried to go one way and your brain another. She wasn’t sure a human would survive the experience; being a vampire barely left her equipped to deal with the spell. 

But vampirism wasn’t a fix-all. Not for this. It should have kept her from feeling the effects of the bitter cold and damp hair, but she felt frozen down to her bones. Everywhere the cold had touched her skin, she’d broken out in goosebumps and the chattering of her teeth wasn’t entirely from the shock of being deposited in the future. Nothing really worked right after a skip. Her monster was there with its furious hunger, but her body needed time to catch up to things like not being bothered by the cold. So she shivered next to the fire, bones rattling with reaction to both cold and magic, and cursed the witches who had cast the spell.

Holding her trembling hands to the heat, she bit down on her lip when something pinged against her senses. It wasn’t an awareness, not truly, but she had no other words to define it. Bonnie hasn’t been able to describe what the sensation was supposed to feel like it or even if there would be one, but it seemed like she was in the right place afterall.

Good old Bonnie. Always right when it mattered most, no matter how wrong Caroline had hoped she’d be. Maybe she shouldn’t have mentioned some of the side effects of her curse, because this help she’d arranged? It had the potential to go wrong in all the worst ways. 

Not that Klaus or her best friend had listened when she’d argued with their plan. Bonnie’s work to isolate the components of the curse that had left her as an unwilling time traveler had finally started to pay off. If only she hadn’t decided to use that knowledge to tie her to Klaus. Caroline had a sinking feeling that some of her carefully kept secrets were no longer going to be quite so secret in a few hours. He had been nosey before she’d started disappearing for years at a time. If their last argument had been anything to go by her little problem had only made his paranoia worse. 

Rubbing her face, she sighed. She had no idea how much time she’d lost this skip. The raging storm outside kept her from finding out too much information, and she’d always found it difficult to pick out immediate changes if the skip was less than ten years. There was no point in asking someone for the date when she’d have answers to her questions soon enough.

Klaus was here, and would likely be looking for her very soon, if he hadn’t already started. She’d been promised that he’d know when she was close. Bonnie had said those words as if they should have made the situation better. It’d been a bit of a shock honestly, but the years she’d spent gone had apparently brought the two to some kind of careful truce. They didn’t particularly like each other, but they’d learned to tolerate and that was more than Caroline had thought would happen short of the apocalypse.

That awareness pinged again, softer this time, and she turned to look at the elevator banks. She still missed the old fashioned ding, hadn’t really adjusted to the near silent opening of doors, but she hadn’t needed it. Not with Bonnie’s magic insist on her skin. But the sight of Klaus, rumpled and intent, hit her low in the gut. 

It had been just a little over a week since she’d last seen him. They hadn’t parted on the best of terms, but that hadn’t stopped her from missing him. Caroline had no idea how long it had been since he last saw her. The week of silence between them had been deliberate, an attempt to let tempers cool, but whatever time had disappeared in her skip had not. In the week she’d spent stewing, she hadn’t found the words to explain to him or Bonnie why she was so pissed by their bright idea. 

Logically she knew she needed help. This curse was no small thing. She and Bonnie called her disappearances skips, as if she just jumped ahead and everything was fine, but nothing with magic was ever that easy. And there was nothing fun about it. She should have been grateful that Klaus and his endless network of witches and favors was there to help her. That he’d come looking when he’d realized something was wrong. But she had no idea how to say what she was upset about without it coming out wrong. And Klaus would take it whatever she did say in the worst possible way, his anger and insecurities grinding against her own. And yet despite all that, a part of her was thrilled to see him. 

He was dressed as if he’d planned on going out or just returned, his suit pants and dress shirt still neat. Clothing fabric had changed over the decades, but Klaus always wore everything well. And the hint of leather at his throat, the way his shirt fit the width of his shoulders was as tempting as he’d always been. 

Klaus didn’t give her much time to secretly ogle him. His gaze found hers almost before he existed the elevator, the edge of his iris going pale with his wolf. For a moment he paused, as if absorbing her shivering presence, and then Klaus was swiftly crossing the distance between them. 

“Caroline,” Klaus said once he was close enough, his eyes taking in her damp clothing and annoyed expression with a quick sweep. “My apologies for the weather, love. Had I known you’d be popping in, I’d have chosen something a bit warmer.”

She bit the side of her tongue to hold in the acerbic comment that wanted to escape. His apology was genuine, but the very reason why he needed to make it pissed her off all over again. His mouth twitch higher on one side as he easily read her expression and her eyes narrowed.

Instead of commenting, he reached for her hands, expression intent. His skin felt amazingly warm against hers and she nearly shuddered at the contact. Post-time jump always left her achingly sensitive to touch, and she usually tried to avoid it until she’d settled back into her skin. Feeding the shakiness of her bones with blood and sensation had proven to be a bad idea. There were other ways to remind herself that she was real, but the knowledge that she couldn’t hurt Klaus, could ask for nothing he couldn’t give was a heady temptation that twisted her stomach into knots. 

Klaus’ gaze briefly narrowed as he read her reaction, but surprisingly he chose not to comment as he tucked her arm through his and ushered her towards the private elevator he’d just come from. He was hybrid-hot against her side, and she forced herself to ignore the crawling need to plaster herself against him and let the heat and muscle of him sink into her. 

“Still angry then?” He asked lightly, dragging her out of the turmoil of her mind. “I suppose that’s fair. It’s been what? Two weeks or so for you since our last discussion?”

“Argument,” Caroline corrected as they stepped inside the elevator. “It’s been a week since we had an argument. And since I was just dumped into a giant pile of snow, I’m really not inclined to be forgiving.”

“I’d expect nothing else.” His hand squeezed her arm, voice lowering. “Your jump was just a little more than four years this time. You just missed New Years, I’m afraid.”

She appreciated him ripping the band aid off, but it still sucked. She loved the Holiday Season. Klaus, she knew, didn’t celebrate the way she did but he’d dropped more than one hint over the years that he’d make an exception or two for her, if she wanted him too. It shouldn’t have surprised her that he’d noted her love of the season, but the quiet sympathy in his eyes shook her a little. 

“Of course I did,” she finally muttered. There was no point in pretending she enjoyed missing chunks of her life. Not with him. “Anything else?”

“Nothing of great import,” Klaus said. “I’m sure your friends will fill you in on the banality of their lives soon enough.”

She gave him an annoyed look. “They aren’t that bad.” The ones that were left, anyway. 

He made a low, noncommittal noise and studied her face with an intensity that left her wanting to fidget. “You need blood.”

“That can’t be a surprise.”

Klaus’ head tipped to the side, all teasing gone. “Does the amount of blood you need post-skip change with duration? You’ve avoided saying.”

The elevator doors opened softly, and Caroline tried not to flinch at the unexpected movement. Glancing away, she briefly bit her lip as she took in the extravagance of his hotel room and internally winced at the thought of her soggy boots on the fancy flooring.

“Caroline.” The demand in his voice pushed at her temper, and she bit her tongue to hold in her acerbic response. Picking a fight because she was still pissed at a fight that happened four years ago for him wouldn’t solve anything. 

“Sometimes,” she said finally, shoulder lifting in a shrug. She glanced at him to find his gaze had narrowed and that maybe he hadn’t let their last argument go the way she thought he had. It figured. Still, he held out a hand to keep the doors open so she could exist when they tried to shut, and she took his silent suggestion.

Caroline stepped into the warm room with relief, gaze scanning the space for any immediately noticeable changes. Nothing new that she could see, but nothing that could really anchor her to the present if her mind started to wander. Except the fireplace. There was a fire already crackling, and it had been years since she had seen one. She’d thought wood fires had long gone out of fashion, another one of her childhood mementos gone before she was ready. 

The privilege of the super rich, she supposed with a faint smile. Heading for the closest couch, she sat with a little sigh at the squishy softness of the cushion, and determinedly reached for the zipper on her the first boot. Behind her, Klaus prowled around the couch. Caroline tried not track him, but he was distracting when he decided to decided to take up space.

“You’ve never been a very good liar, love.” His voice was soft as he finally spoke, his words sank like blades between them. “Not to those who know you.”

Her head snapped up, eyes hot. “Excuse you?”

Klaus’ gaze was as annoyed as her own. “Why have secrets at all? Particular about this.”

Caroline spluttered. “That’s kind of rich, coming from you.” 

He suddenly crouched in front of her, his movements almost vampire-fast. His hands caught hers, the shock his warm fingers curling around the shaking bone and muscle of hers. She bit down hard on the tip of her tongue to keep from asking for more, to see if his hands on her skin could smooth the void-cold from her sinew and muscle. She needed blood and an hour or so to start putting herself back together, and she wasn’t sure she was going to get it.

If Klaus noticed any of her internal struggle, he didn’t address it. “Your witch has finally managed to collect a fair number of details on the intricacies of your curse. I have several copies of her notes, should you like to look at them.”

She gave him a wary look. “Thank you.”

His head tipped to the side, and the challenge in his gaze was flecked wolf-bright. “But what continues to be a point of contention between her and I is the lack of clarity when it comes to how the spell affects you. The after effects of a skip and the toll it takes. Just how you recover from each event.”

Caroline lifted her chin. “That’s because I don’t want to talk about it.”

“And why is that?” His wolf bled through his eyes then, a sure sign of the temper that had left them both shouting during their last meeting. “You’re still trembling. You’ve avoided letting the Bennet witch or me see you so soon after you return. What does the spell take from you, Caroline?”

A jerky lift of her shoulder. “Nothing blood won’t solve. It was only four years this time.”

His jaw tightened at the bitterness in her voice, the line of his cheekbones sharpening. “And the jump that took seven decades from you? What was the price you paid then?”

“Does it matter?” She snapped back. “You and Bonnie have already decided whatever it is, I can’t handle it. It’s why I ended up stuck here. Tromping through a blizzard. Remember that part?”

His jaw jumped. “Caroline.”

“No,” she said tightly. “I’m halfway to being a vampire-popsicle, Klaus. I want a change of clothes and blood, maybe a shower. Not an interrogation.”

For a dozen heartbeats, she thought he’d dig in his heels and argue. They’d already fought over this point more than once, loudly, and while she didn’t want to go over it again, she would. But instead of picking a fight, Klaus stood. Her hands buzzed where he’d touched her, the skin going cold.

“I’ll fetch you a change of clothes, though it will have to be something of mine. Once the storm dies down, I’ll be able to send for more appropriate things for you. Until then we’ll just have to make do.”

He turned and walked away before she could comment and her heart slammed into her throat. Being wrapped in Klaus’ clothes and his scent didn’t seem like such a good idea when she was so out of sorts. Her monster wanted his touch.

Preferably with both of them naked. 

Closing her eyes, Caroline gave herself a moment to freak out before bending over to finish taking off her ruined boots. Then she reached for her hair band, shaking out her hair before tying it back up into a messy bun. She’d learned that small, easily accomplished tasks helped to ground her and right then, she needed all the help she could get. 

For all that she’d lost over a hundred years of her life since this had started, she’d only experienced seven time-skips. And each jump was it’s very own experience. The first time her curse had kicked in, she had only lost a few weeks, and she’d managed it mostly unscathed. Oh, she’d been sure she had gone crazy, waking up in her house but two weeks later than her last memory. She’d had no recollection of the time having passed and the horror Damon had left behind had threatened to choke her. 

She had called Bonnie, frantic, and her witchy best friend had shown up two days later with supplies and her grimoire collection. It hadn’t been until six months later, when she’d lost four years, that Caroline and Bonnie had really started to understand what they were dealing with. For the first time in her life, she’d felt a strange kinship with Rebekah as she’d found herself lost in what had once been familiar. Not that she planned on admitting such a thing out loud, ever. Disappearing for seven decades had taught her a lot of hard lessons. 

She could go weeks and months without a timeskip, the longest stretch had nearly five years, but she couldn’t really live in the time between. Not when she had no idea, no warning for when she’d just up and disappear. Her newly found wanderlust had been forced to take a backseat to the need for safety. She just wouldn’t risk disappearing and leaving everything behind in some forgein country with no way of getting anything she cared about back. 

So she’d boxed up all her dreams alongside her favorite things and promised herself she’d find them again later. And she never intended to tell anyone about how hard it was for her. Not when she saw the toll her curse took on everyone around her - the way Bonnie lost weight and refused to talk about how difficult the spell work truly was. 

She could still remember the look on Klaus face when he’d walked in the door after her reappearance after seventy years. Bonnie had warned her that he’d come looking, but her skin had still gone hot and achingly aware of his presence as his gaze had burned against her. He’d looked at her in such a way, and she’d been absolutely certain it was only Bonnie’s presence and his own iron control that had kept him from reaching for her.

At that point, it’d been years since she’d last seen him and it had absolutely nothing to cool the heat between them. Unfortunately, it also appeared that they hadn’t lost any of their ability to dig under each other’s skin and their tempers had been fast to heat. Klaus had wanted to know all the details of the spell and she hadn’t appreciated his pushiness. He’d been pissed and frustrated, and so had she, but even as they’d shouted at each other, the fear that he’d bite her, that she’d push him too far, hadn’t risen once. 

It’d been a strange way to realize just how much she’d grown to trust him. Decades of silence between them, and she’d still known with complete and utter trust that Klaus wouldn’t harm her in that way ever again. But knowing how felt against under her hands, the way he could move inside her, had left her aware of every movement he’d made in her presence and the occasional spark of yellow at the edge of his pupil had told her she wasn’t the only one. 

She had asked Klaus to walk away at all those years ago for good reasons. But now she was older, less naive, those reasons hadn’t held up quite so well. But she hadn’t really had time to work through those feelings and the changes between them between skips. And having him so close when she was so off balance wasn’t something she was sure she was ready for. Before this, she’d made a point to put herself back into working order before letting him and Bonnie know she’d returned. 

Both Bonnie had Klaus had been suspicious of exactly what happened when she returned, but she’d refused to discuss it. The mix of guilt and horror, the struggle to remember how to be a person? She hadn’t known how to explain what returning was like without making Bonnie’s guilt worse, Klaus’ rage. Attraction and softer feelings aside, being vulnerable sucked. 

A door shut down the hall, and Caroline glanced in the direction Klaus had disappeared. When he reappeared, she bit down hard on the side of her tongue. He’d rolled the sleeves of his dress shirt up to bare his forearms, and his hair was ruffled, as if he’d dragged his fingers through it several times. Inside her chest, her monster stirred. 

“I’ve taken the liberty to order in dinner,” Klaus said casually, as if he wasn’t watching her with eyes still pale with temper. “You may have my blood or the bellhops, but I’m going to have to insist that you have some tonight.”

Caroline stood and tried not to fidget at his words. Easily accessible blood bags had become a thing of the past during her seventy year disappearance, plastic also going out of fashion, and she’d adjusted to eating from the vein far easier than she’d ever thought possible. But it had been years since she’d drank directly from Klaus’ vein, and the memory of his taste had lingered. 

“Thank you,” she murmured instead of committing either way. 

His gaze flickered over her face and he handed her the clothes he’d brought with him. “I can show you to a room if you’d like to change.”

Caroline sighed as she accepted the tentative truce he was offering. “How many rooms does this place have, exactly?”

A hint of a smile brought out a dimple in his cheek. “A few. You’ll want one with a proper bath, if I remember correctly?”

“Yes,” she said fervently. His smile widened and he motioned her to follow him. The suit he lead her to was pretty, but all she cared about was the tub she caught a glimpse of behind an open door. “Thanks.”

Klaus tipped his head in acknowledgement before pausing. “When you’re done, we’ll talk.”

Caroline turned to face him. His expression was carefully neutral. “Talk or fight?”

His teeth gleamed but there was nothing particular cheerful about his smile. “I suppose that will depend.”

“Klaus…” she started and then stopped, fingers fisting in his clothes in frustration. “It’s not that easy. None of this is easy.”

“Very few things are, love, particularly where you’re concerned. That doesn’t make you less worthy of my time.” He glanced at the bathroom deliberately, and then took a step away from her. “I’ll be here when you’re done.”

Caroline bit her lip and watched the door close behind him. Taking a deep breath, she inhaled slowly before letting it out again. It wouldn’t be long enough to slot all of her parts back together, but it’d be a start.

-

 She decided on a shower. 

As much as she had wanted the bath, once the water turned off it would be too quiet with hybrid hearing so close by. Instead she’d sat on the floor of the shower and given herself several minutes to quietly go to pieces. She didn’t cry, she refused. But she shook so hard she was surprised Klaus didn’t hear her bones rattling in her skin. 

Once clean, Caroline had bundled up in one of the thick, fancy hotel robes and sank onto a fuzzy bathroom rug and struggled to get a grip on herself. Dinner would be arriving soon and she hadn’t bothered to do more than wrap her hair in a towel, but she couldn’t bring herself to stand up and pretend everything was okay just yet.

Recovering from a timeskip always came in stages. Arguing with Klaus, the forcefulness of his presence had helped with her strange disassociation, but nothing she’d found had stopped her post-skip reaction completely and she’d held the worst of her reaction off as long as she could. But under the hot spray of the shower, Caroline she’d gripped her shins hard enough to bruise and shuddered. 

Her body needed time to recover from wherever she went when she skipped. As best she’d been able to tell, she didn’t spend a year for a year between time in the empty void she only truly remembered in her nightmares. Her vampirism hadn’t strengthened enough for that to be the case, but she was stronger than she should have been if she simply blinked back into existence. So there appeared to be some trade off. And whatever that place was in between, it lingered in the marrow of her bones until she shook it off. 

And once her body settled, finally adjusting to the fact that she existed again, the blood lust would hit hard. Her monster always rose, greedy and grasping and starved. She’d gotten good at ignoring her thirst until she could contain it, but it was unlikely that Klaus would let her use her usual coping methods.  Assuming she even wanted him to. 

Rubbing her face with a shaky hand, Caroline tried to decide what she wanted. Part of the reason she’d pushed back so hard against against Bonnie’s spell was just how easy it would be to let Klaus take the brunt of her problem onto himself. Part of her wanted to use him as a safe haven, and badly. The wild, bloody part of her wanted to dig her teeth and fingers into his skin and leave a mark.

She always had. 

But unlike her teenage self, the logical, human part of her brain recognized that it was a bad idea but for far different reasons. She didn’t fear the his monster anymore, though she wasn’t certain if she’d accepted it just yet. But she could clearly see a time when she might.  And figuring out what that meant, what she wanted from him? It deserved thought and care, two things she wasn’t sure she’d be able to give him until this curse ended.

If it ever did. 

Forcibly pushing that thought aside, she toyed with the belt on her robe. Klaus wouldn’t judge her for the things she’d done to survive. But admitting them? Letting him see all the bits of her she hadn’t completely reconciled to herself would be hard. Particularly when she wanted to do nothing more than slide her fingers beneath his shirt and see if he would use his body to distract hers. 

Just thinking about it, the odds that he slept naked, left her cheeks hot. Even with rooms, walls and hundreds of square feet between them, he would definitely notice if she tried to get herself off, and that was… a weird mix of arousing and embarrassing. Caroline morosely wondered if she could just lock herself in her room and hide, pretending that she didn’t smell Klaus on her skin while she dealt with the aftereffects of the skip. 

The soft knock of incoming room service interrupted her imaginings, probably for the better. Her body was already hyper aware of the smallest of sensations, and thinking about Klaus touching her, all the things he’d murmured against her skin the last time she had let him, would do nothing to calm her heartbeat.

Pushing herself to her feet, Caroline forced herself to put her underwear and bra back on before pulling the clothes Klaus had given her. His clothing was warm and almost unbearably soft, an outfit he’d worn often. Her chest tightened that he’d given her his favorite things. The familiar scent of his skin and his preferred laundry soap was comforting as she rolled the sleeves up. Running a quick comb through her hair, she decided she was presentable and headed out to see what Klaus had ordered for them. 

The room was empty but a trolley was filled with several things she couldn’t immediately identify, but that didn’t surprise her. Food was weird. It was either exactly the same or something completely new. However, it was a plate of French Fries that left her throat tight. Klaus rarely missed the little details, she’d be willing to bet money that there was a bottle of champagne hidden somewhere. Lips trembling into a smile, she flinched a handful, and ate them one by one, letting the familiar taste of fried potatoes settle her as she finished the plate.  

Licking the salt from her fingers, she looked up just as Klaus walked back into the room. As she watched, his tongue snaked out and caught a tiny drop of blood at the corner of his mouth and she swallowed. Hard.

“Apologies, sweetheart. I’d have saved the bellhop for you, but I wasn’t sure how much time you’d want alone.”

His apology had held a hint of heat to it and she was too jittery to do anything but react. Her skin suddenly felt too tight and flushed. “That’s fine. It’s generally not a good idea for me to... eat so soon after a skip anyway.”

The slightly playful expression on his face disappeared as if it had never been. “Why?”

Caroline hesitated and then sighed. He’d been right. What was the point of keeping secrets when they’d come out eventually anyway? She could lie, but that would damage something between them and she wasn’t willing to let the witches who had done this to her take anything else. 

Lifting one hand, she studied the trembling bones of her fingers. “It takes a while to remember how to be me. And when I do, I always remember the vampire first.” She glanced at him, watched him absorb her words, saw understanding flare behind his eyes. 

“I don’t even know how much time I spend in the void.” The words felt if they were pulled from her chest and she squeezed her eyes shut as a shudder ran down her spine at the thought of the cold terror of her nightmares. If she started crying now it would be awful and she wasn’t sure she’d be able to stop. Grimacing, she spun away and stared at the cheerfully crackling fire. 

“How old am I even supposed to be?”

“The number of years spent in the void does play a part, though they assume it’s roughly one year for every ten,” Klaus said quietly as he moved closer, his footsteps soft on the carpet. “Though the witch insisted it wasn’t an exact science. You’ve skipped roughly one hundred and ten years. So you’ve gained between twelve and twenty years of strength. Not significant in the long run, but you’d notice the difference in your finer motor skills.”

Caroline twisted around stare at him, her breathing fast. “How do you know that?”

His lips curled, something darkly satisfied in his expression. “I recently found the last of the line who cursed you. They were a fair bit more intelligent than their cousins. It didn’t save them, of course, but we negotiated their deaths and the deaths of their families on what information they could give me.”

She stared at him, trying to comprehend what he was telling her. The violence. He’d not only killed the witches but their families. But in that moment, it paled in comparison to what he hadn’t said.

“They told you how to break this?” Her words wobbled. 

Klaus’ jaw tightened, eyes bleeding into pale gold. “No. They insisted that once the spell was finished, it is nearly impossible to break it. What means that they could offer have a risk of a your permanent death, and that I will not allow.”

Caroline’s eyes burned. “That sucks.”

His head tipped in silent agreement, gaze unwavering as he watched her face. “However, there is a limit to the spell, sweetheart.”

It took a moment for her to find her voice. Her fingers curled tightly into her palms, nails digging into her skin. “What kind of limit?”

“One time skip for each witch who cast the spell, if the subject survives long enough,” he murmured, cheekbones sharpening with temper. “No human has and you’re the first vampire they’ve cursed. I’m told that ten witches attempted to curse the Bennett line, not a full thirteen. I’m still working to confirm that.”

Caroline’s eyes slid shut and she swayed. Klaus hands slid under her elbows and she gave into the urge to touch him that had been nagging her all evening. Stepping forward, Caroline pressed her face into his shoulder and squeezed his waist hard. “I’ve skipped seven times.”

Klaus’ fingers tangled in her damp hair, and his voice was low when he spoke. “I know.”

Shivering a little, she let herself have the luxury of holding onto him. It was easier to absorb what he was saying when she was pressed this tightly against him, the slow beat of his heart familiar against her ear. She’d skipped seven times. 

That meant she had between three and six to go. 

She was halfway there. 

“Did the witches say why they cast this stupid spell in the first place?” She asked finally, words thick in her throat. “Who thought this curse was a good idea?”

“Revenge,” he said softly. “It appears that Abby Bennett has made an enemy or two over the years. She is difficult to find, so they decided to aim for an easier target. One who was less mobile. It was a matter of bad luck on your part, I’m afraid. You were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

She made a low noise of frustration and tightened her grip on his shirt. Caroline wanted to think that the witches wouldn’t have cast the spell without reason, but she knew that wasn’t always the case. Witches were as monstrous as the rest of them: petty, judgemental and powerful. Humanity could be as ugly as it was beautiful.

“What did Abby do?”

Klaus smoothed her hair. “Once she has been brought to me, I will be sure to ask.”

Caroline reared back and stared at him. “Tell me you haven’t tried to kill Bonnie’s mother.”

Klaus’ face was set into unforgiving lines. “Not yet.”

“Klaus.”

His hand shifted to cup her jaw. “Bonnie Bennett and I have come to an agreement about her mother. I will not lay a finger on the vampire so long as your witch lives.”

The unspoken words that Bonnie’s life would not last an eternity ran between them. Caroline curled her fingers around his wrist but could not find the words to tell him to let it go. Whatever Abby had done, it had led to a great deal of bloodshed. It wasn’t a fight she was prepared to have with him. 

Today.

“If you knew the time slips were limited,” she finally whispered. “Why did you keep us tied together?”

To her confusion, his hand slid away from her face and she was forced to release him. But instead of stepping back, he reached into his pocket and offered her what was clearly an upgraded version of her last cellphone model. 

“That’s a phone,” she said inanely.

“It’s yours.”

“Pretty sure it’s not.” She’d had her phone on her when she’d been pulled into the skip and nothing but her clothing and the occasional hair tie ever came back out of the void.

Klaus’ mouth twitched. “I assure you, it is. You’ll find it exactly as you left it. Your friends number have remained the same.”

Caroline stared at it. “And you just… had it lying around?”

“Along with your credit cards, bank account information, ID’s and lock box keys,” Klaus stated calmly. “All the things you’ll need to seamlessly enter back into society.”

She jerked back, eyes wide. “What? Bonnie has all my things. Bonnie has…” her words died at the set of his jaw. 

“Bonnie Bennett is mortal,” he said firmly. “Though she is a witch, and I have put a number of safeguards in place to assure her continued existence, she can die. I cannot.”

Caroline threw up her hands. “That doesn’t give you the right to just… take over!”

He lifted a brow. “Why not?”

“Why not?” She repeated, voice rising in pitch. “I didn’t ask you to do this.”

His mouth tightened. “And why is that, Caroline?” She stiffened at the edge in his voice and he stepped closer, voice dipping, gaze hot. “Four skips. The first was for two weeks. The second was four years. The third was for ten. But it wasn’t until the fourth, when you went missing for seventy years, when I came looking, that I was told what was going on.”

She swallowed at the edge in his voice. “I…”

Klaus caught a damp curl between his fingers, fingering the texture for a moment before tucking it behind her ear. “The truth, love, if you don’t mind.”

Caroline let out a bitter laugh. “If I don’t mind? Do you know how much I mind? How I hate losing so much of my life, the lives of my friends?”

His jaw went rock hard. “And yet you choose to face this on your own. Did you think I would not have helped you?”

“It’s not like that,” she protested. 

“Then what is it like, Caroline? Because you’ve done everything you can to avoid discussing it.”

She glared back at his angry face. “Why does everything have to be a fight with you? Do you think I don’t realize that Bonnie is killable? That every single time I skip, I don’t have to face the idea that this might be the one where I’m in a world where she doesn’t exist?

“And yet,” he said ruthlessly. “Seventy years, Caroline; fifty-five of those in which I was aware of your curse. Then another fifteen, not a full six months after your return. In all my lifetimes, never have so many decades crawled by so slowly.”

Caroline froze, staring at the mix of emotions on his face before they disappeared, closed off behind the iron of his will. He angled away from her, facing the wide windows, and it cut into her that she’d hurt him. Not on purpose, not deliberately, but she remembered the six months he spoke of and the way he’d hovered. 

It hadn’t been suffocating, and she’d known that was a deliberate choice on his part. A text here, a call there. The way he’d shown up to argue with her about movies she’d missed and coax her out of the worst of her funks. Seventy years was hard to reconcile, and Klaus had let her set the pace as she’d tried to adjust.

Then she’d disappeared for fifteen years. 

When she’d come back, he’d been angrier and determined. That time she’d gone almost five years without a skip, the longest she’d ever been left to live her life since the curse started.  Bonnie and Klaus had used the time to research the curse and had been ruthless in their tests and their hunt for information.

It’d been during that five year stretch that Bonnie had first come up with her brilliant idea. Caroline had immediately vetoed it. Klaus had taken Bonnie’s side and they’d fought for weeks over it. Before they could figure out a compromise, she’d been tugged away for seven years, and when she’d come back, Bonnie had perfected the ritual. 

In all those years, it hadn’t occurred to her that the fact that she hadn’t called him when she’d first learned of her curse hurt him. Sinking her teeth into her lip, she started to reach for him and stopped herself. If she kept giving into her need to touch she wasn’t sure she’d stop. 

“It wasn’t… I didn’t…” she shoved her fingers through her hair and ground of her next sentence. “I didn’t want the witches to take another thing away from me. Not one thing.”

Klaus’ gaze narrowed at her words, and he twisted around to stare at her with eyes gone pale. “And what exactly does that mean?”

“Do you know what it was like, showing back up in your own life four years later? Four years, Klaus. Except I’d lived none of it. Just a blink and the world have moved without me, like I was a record on the wrong track.”

“Caroline…”

She rushed forward, her words tripping over each other. “By the time I returned, Bonnie had at least figured out that it was a curse. The coven responsible had sent her a note. Did she tell you that? They taunted her.” She struggled to keep her monster tucked away as she remembered the moment Bonnie had confessed her guilt, her eyes wide and damp. That anger that still seethed beneath her skin. “She lets the guilt eat her alive. First Elena, then me. I cannot stand that she thinks she’s at fault for any of this. I refused to let her give up her life for Elena, and I won’t let her do it for me, but nothing I say dents her need to fix something that isn’t her fault in the first place.”

“And me?” He murmured. “Because I assure you, love. My resources outstrip Bonnie Bennett’s considerably. As does my rage.”

“But it’s not fair,” Caroline blurted, shaking her head. “To ask you to come in and cleanup messes that aren’t yours. Should I have called you? Probably. And I’m so sorry you worried. But I didn’t want you to think the only reason I’d ever call you was to fix things and I just…”

Squaring her shoulders, she groped for the right words. This was too important to screw up. Seeing the rage fed by the gouges she’d unknowingly left behind, it was impossible to ignore the fact that Klaus cared. 

“We’re friends. Of a kind,” she started, voice hesitant, cheeks growing warm at just how much they weren’t just friends. “And after that first skip, I didn’t want some stupid spell to dictate when you came back into my life. It really, really sucks. And I hate it so much. But you’re important, and I just… I’m not going to just use you and then expect you to walk away all the time when I’m not ready to give you anything back. That’s not fair and I…”

Her words died as Klaus’ hand slipped back into her hair and he stepped close enough that if she breathed too deeply, her breasts would brush his chest. There was something hunting in his eyes, and she bit down on the side of her tongue to hold in a shiver. 

“Caroline.” 

This time she didn’t manage to stop her shudder, as his thumb feathered behind her ear. “What?”

A hint of a smile touched the corner of his mouth, but his eyes were dark with want. “You think this is important. That we, are important.”

Her toes curled against the floor. “Yes.”

“And,” he continued. “To be clear. You didn’t call me because?”

It was a struggle to keep from fidgeting under his unblinking gaze. “I wanted to call you for me.

Because I wanted too. Not to come in and fix something.”

His free hand curled around hers, and without breaking eye contact, he brought the underside of her wrist to warmth of his mouth. “Thank you, sweetheart. But your concerns are unnecessary.”

She tried to glare at him, but it was hard to stay mad with his mouth so close to her skin. Her monster was so greedy for the feel of him. “Excuse you?”

His smile pressed against her wrist and his gaze dropped to trace the shape of her lips. “It is no hardship, to give you what you need.”

“But…”

His teeth scraped against the veins along her wrist and she shuddered, teeth clicking as her mouth shut. “No. You are still so young, Caroline. I understood what I was saying, all those years ago when I told you my intentions. What it would ask of me. I’m a monster, and I will make no apologies for that, but I have no intention of being yours.”

She sucked in a breath at his bluntness. She wasn’t sure she would have managed it if their positions had been reversed. “I need to learn how to handle my problems on my own.”

His brow arched. “Did you not just claim we are something like friends? If you can call the Bennett witch for assistance, then I see no reason why you cannot do the same with me.”

“Yeah, well, there are some differences,” Caroline muttered. 

His eyes gleamed with amusement for a moment but his face grew serious. “Sweetheart, you cannot have imagined that I wouldn’t eventually notice your disappearance? That I would not worry?”

Caroline flinched and his fingers tightened around hers. “At first, no. It was…”

His brow rose, and he pressed her hand against the scruff of his jaw. Goosebumps trailed down her arm at the sensation, and she struggled to suppress a shiver. “It was?”

“I don’t… the world doesn’t always fit back together right away. It never occurred to me that I’d be gone so long that you’d notice.” She blew out a breath and pressed her lips tightly together at the horror she’d felt when they’d realized the extent of the curse. Klaus tugged lightly on her hand in invitation, and she gave up on keeping any kind of distance between them if he was determined to go over the details. 

“Tell me,” he coaxed once she’d settled against him, her face pressing against the side of his neck. 

“It wasn’t until the second skip that we even figured out what was happening,” she finally murmured. He was silent, but he pulled her closer, arm curving around her hips. He probably already knew all this but the words just tumbled out. “There was no warning or pattern to it. I was here one day and then I… wasn’t. Two weeks. Four years. Ten. In between the skips, I got to exit for a total of six months.” She felt her eyes grow hot and swallowed down the tears she refused to let fall. “I don’t remember the void except for when I dream about it, but it…”

He squeezed the nape of her neck at the hitch in her words. “What happens when you return?”

Caroline was silent for a long moment. “I told you I have to relearn how to exist.”

“But not the details. I want them.”

“Of course you do.” Caroline huffed, but made no move to pull away. It was easier to talk like this when she didn’t have to look at him. Now that she was talking about it, she found that she actually wanted to keep going. “The void takes something from me. It clings. And the worst the skip, the more my first instinct is to drown it out when I’m back.”

“How?”

She felt her face grow hot, wondered if he could feel it. “At first? Blood. Sex. Anything that made me feel like my body was mine again. Now I try simpler things first. I try not to eat until I stop shaking.”

“Does that bothers you?” Klaus asked. “That you’ve needed to take to survive?”

Toying with the edge of his shirt, Caroline considered his question. She wasn’t sure bother was the right word to describe how she felt about the loss of control. The way her body felt like she no longer belonged to it, how she craved sensation to drown out the echoes in her bones. 

It sucked. A lot. But other things were worse.

“I don’t like that I might hurt someone who doesn’t deserve it,” she finally admitted. 

A tug on a curl, and Klaus wound his fingers through damp strands. “Have you?”

“Yes.” The word tasted bitter. “It took me three days to find all the scattered body parts after I was gone for seventy years. There was a group of college kids out having a party and I killed all of them. I just...I wanted their families to be able to bury them whole, well, as whole as I could manage, at least. I don’t remember any of what actually happened. But sometimes I think I dream about it.”

The cold dark of the void and the hunting terror on her tongue. The sick feeling in her stomach and the greed in her bones for more. She always turned on every light in the room after one of those nightmares and opened all her windows, listening for sounds outside of her room. A reminder that she was alive and existed, even when that existence could be stolen from her. 

“The witch who decided to cast the curse is named Jolie.” Klaus said softly.

Caroline pulled back enough to see his face. “What?”

“She lives in a little cottage outside of New Orleans.” He continued, sliding his hands down to the small of her back. Anchoring her to him. “And every time you disappear, I go and pay her a visit.”

“But…” she stammered, mind racing at the hint of menace behind the word visit. “She must be…”

“Nearly a hundred and fifty years old.”

Caroline stared at him. “I don’t understand.”

His head lowered until his forehead pressed against hers, and his voice was terribly intimate as he spoke. “Would you like to know the details of those visits? I hunted Katerina. I allowed her to build and rebuild her life over and over, and I always took her little kingdoms away. Everything she touched turned to ash and dust, because I willed it. But I allowed her to have those years between, so that it would hurt more when I took everything away. I have not been so generous this time.”

“Generous,” she repeated, voice dazed. 

“Jolie’s life is small. Contained. It offers no joy, and in the wake of your disappearances, no relief.” His eyes held hers with unblinking intensity. “It will be centuries yet before I allow her the quiet of death.”

Her mouth was bone-dry as she rasped out a single word. “Why?”

Klaus’ laugh was warm on her lips, but the sound of it was as bitter as her own. “Why? For fifty-five years, your witch and I waited. There was no sign that could be given that you lived, that you would survive what had taken you. No witch I questioned had heard of such a spell, and those who might have helped instead choose to hide.”

The rage in his voice, the tenseness of his arms around her told far more of the story than his words. For seventy years, she’d tumbled through a void and for most of those, he’d waited. Once, she would have thought such a thing impossible. That anyone would choose her, choose to wait though her return was no easy thing. But Klaus had proven over and over that the regard he’d given her when she’d been so young was no fickle thing. 

Her life was all kinds of screwed up, but one day soon she was going to really think about that and her own feelings. What it meant to love a monster. But not just yet. Reaching up, Caroline placed her faintly trembling hand over his heartbeat.  “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want your apologies,” Klaus said as he straightened. “I do not need them. Not from you. Not about this. But Caroline, I will not go another half century waiting for word of your death. There is nothing I would not do to ensure your happiness, no atrocity I would not commit to keep you safe. But even I have my limits of what I can endure.”

She stared at him, the stark lines of his face. Taking a careful breath, she exhaled slowly. “Tell me why you asked Bonnie to bind us together.”

“The world changes,” he said finally, carefully. “And not always for the better. When I first broached the subject with the Bennett witch, it was to see if we could tether you to a location; create a magical bouy if you will.”

Caroline considered that. “A location? Like a house?”

A tip of his head. “The goal was to find you a you a safe haven of sorts, so that no matter what condition you were in when you landed, there would be no immediate threat. That you could receive whatever help you needed immediately.”

Her fingered tangled in the worn leather of his necklaces. “You’re definitely not a building.”

A laugh, rough and deep in his chest. “No. The spell the witches cast, it only clings to flesh and bone. To alter it, we had to bind it to the same.”

Caroline studied him and weighed his words against her anger that they’d made this choice for her when so many had been taken away. The terror and the horror of coming back to herself and finding the room painted in blood and terror, her monster gorged and so unbearably full. She gave herself just a moment to wonder how it might have been different if Klaus had been there and started to understand his point.

She didn’t have to like it though. 

“I might understand, but I don’t like the fact that you both just decided this without me.”

Klaus sighed. “I can live with your anger, sweetheart. But not your death.”

Her brows come together. “What happened that your being so much more paranoid than usual?”

His thumb traced along a knot in her spine and she struggled not to lean into the touch. “That is a story for a different night, I believe. And I will answer all your questions, though I’m sure you will not appreciate all my answers. But there are a few things you should know.”

Gaze narrowed in a silent promise she wouldn’t forget, she frowned. “Like what?”

“As I’m sure you’ve realized, we expect between there to be between three and six remaining skips.” Something dangerous flickered through his eyes. “I’ll have a firm number in another week or two. But while the witches have insisted there are no set triggers for the spell, Bonnie has been going through the grimoire collection I brought her. She will know more soon.”

“Do I want to know how you managed to find an entire grimoire collection on an impossible spell?”

His lips curled. “I did tell you the latest batch of witches were more reasonable.”

She probably didn’t want to know then.

“Okay.” She studied a small bead on his rosary, gathering her thoughts before glancing up at him. “I can deal with this. It’s better now that I know it’ll be over one day and I’m not stuck with endless cycles of losing years my life.”

His eyes softened. “I know. But until it does, I will guard what you love, Caroline. Tomorrow, we’ll go through my properties and you can decide if you like one enough to call it yours until this is over.”

She blinked. “Klaus…”

“You can’t want to spend what time you have between skips in a guest room, Caroline. There is the potential for years between them, after all. When the curse is gone, when you are free, I will not clip your wings. Everything of yours in my keeping is yours to take back whenever you wish. But providing you with a safe place where you can live while we wait this out is no hardship.”

“I’ll think about,” she said finally. About all the things he was offering her. He nodded and she took a bracing breathe. “Tell me about the spell Bonnie cast.”

“Your witch is certain it will dissolve with your curse,” Klaus assured her. “And if it doesn’t, it is not a difficult spell to break. Simple is sometimes best, when it comes with magic.”

“And it only does what you’ve said?” She pushed. “You’re now my indestructible magical buoy, and the spell drops me within a set radius of you when we it spits me back out. That’s it?”

His mouth tilted up at the edge. “You don’t trust me?”

She scoffed. “Not about this.”

“So suspicious,” he teased, eyes warm. “It does everything as we’ve told you. The only  additional component is that it allows me to sense you, for lack of a better word. It’s how I felt your return tonight. But more importantly, it means I know that you are alive, no matter how long you are gone. I would know if something went wrong the moment it happened.”

Her heart lept into her throat. “Aware of me how?”

Klaus shook his head. “It’s strongest when you first land. Right now, it’s so faint it’s barely discernible. When you are in the void, it’s softer still. A pulse I must look for to feel, but one I know quite well.”

“Oh,” Caroline said softly, turning it over in her mind. What such a spell would mean and she nodded. “That’s okay then.”

He arched a brow. “It is?”

She gave him a reproachful look. “I don’t want you or Bonnie to worry, Klaus. It’s better for you to know if something goes wrong, than for you to always look at the future and wonder. That I don’t mind, as long as it is all it does.”

“Hmm,” Klaus murmured. 

“You cannot think I’d argue over a way to tell if I lived or died in the void?” She asked in exasperation. “Bonnie, at least, would deserve to know.”

Her fingers tangled in his necklace despite her biting words, and a dimple peaked from his cheek. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Do,” Caroline suggested as her fingers brushed his throat. “You should also note that I’m going to be super pissed if I get dunked into something like the Arctic Ocean. No trips to Antarctica when I’m not here.”

“Noted,” he murmured, voice low and warm. His gaze dropped to trace the curve of her mouth, and Caroline become achingly aware of every place they were pressed together. The splay of his hands, low on her back. “I’m sure if it did happen, I could make it up to you.”

Her pulse jumped, and she took a shaky breath. “Do you really want to test that?”

Klaus made a low noise in his throat. “I believe I  have an idea or two that might coax you into forgiving me after such an unfortunate event. But perhaps such a thing should be a surprise?”

The heat in his eyes, the way his thumb had started to trace shapes against the bumps of her spine left her with a number of ideas. But such a thing should not be encouraged. “No frozen oceans, Klaus. Penguins are cute but I don’t want to swim with them.”

“And what do you want, Caroline?” He asked. “You’ve stopped shaking since I’ve had my hands on you, but you must be hungry. Have you waited long enough to take a bite?”

Her fingers clenched around his necklace. “I already ate all the fries.”

“I wasn’t talking about the food.” His smile was sin, and he pulled her hips flush against his. “You should know that I’m willing to satisfy any number of your appetites.”

Caroline curled her arms around his neck and her eyes lingered on his mouth. “I know.”

“Then why the hesitation?” His nose brushed hers, eyes hotly amused. “I remember our time in the woods as being quite good for you. You came for me how many times?”

“Four,” she rasped as his eyes darkened. “And wanting you isn’t the problem.”

“No?”

She shook her head, fingers tunneling through the soft curls at his nape. This she could admit to when it had never really been a secret anyway. “Wanting you was never the problem, Klaus. It’s that I might want you too much.”

Klaus’ smile was a quick, brilliant flash. “Good.”

His head lowered, lips brushing lightly against hers in a clear invitation, and she took it. Fingers fisting in his curls, Caroline opened her mouth hungrily against his. The last time they’d kissed, it’d been rushed. Greedy. A bit of the forbidden mingled with the white hot chemistry that had always been between them. This kiss was slow, just as hungry, but sweeter. He kissed her like he wanted to savor every taste.

His hand slipped beneath her shirt, his palm a brand on her spine, and she complained low in her throat when he tried to lift his head. He smiled, teeth sinking briefly along her bottom lip before he finally pulled briefly away from her mouth. “You need blood.”

She shivered at the reminder, the roughness of his voice. Tugging on his hair to tip his head back, she pressed her lips beneath his jaw, tongue snaking out for a tiny taste. “Are you sure?”

As much as she wanted to dig in her teeth and gorge, she just needed a little assurance that he understood what he was offering. It was probably a little silly, with the hard edge of his cock pressed against her thigh, but her past had left scars. Standing so close, Klaus letting her take her fill of what she needed to slot her pieces back together had helped settle her. But once she had him on her tongue, she was going to want so much more. 

“I’m sure,” he murmured, eyes softening even as he tipped his head just enough to meet her eyes. His gaze ran over her face hungrily, taking in the hint of veins that were just visible beneath her eyes. “Take what blood you need, Caroline. Then I’ll take you to my bed and drown you in whatever sensation you want.”

Her vampire crawled up the surface then, fangs sharp behind her lips. The bright gold of his eyes never blinked and he shifted, offering his neck. “So utterly lovely, your monster.”

Caroline pressed her mouth to slow thud of his pulse, savoring the feel of him before letting herself have the taste he’d promised. Klaus made a low noise in his chest, hands pulling her closer but all she cared about was the taste of his blood on her tongue. Fresh blood was always so good, but Klaus was better. And her monster had been starved for too long. She took her time, drinking deep before letting her tongue run across the rapidly closing punctures, making sure she’d caught every drop.

When she finally lifted her head, Caroline felt better than she had in ages. The worst of the shakes had eased, the chill of the void lessened and what remained was overwhelmed by the familiar blood high and the ache of her growing arousal. When she met Klaus’ gaze, his monster was watching her with the same need as she licked her mouth clean.

“So utterly lovely,” he repeated before his head dipped and he sucked her lower lip between his. Caroline moaned, the sound turning into a gasp as his double fangs scraped her lip bloody. Whining as her blood mingled with the taste of him, she surged against mouth. 

Kissing Klaus had been her very first indulgence of him as a man, and the taste and feel of him had been a gateway drug all those years ago. This time was no different. His hand in her hair, the small noise in the back of his throat as she sucked on his tongue, the way he pulled her closer as he angled her mouth for more. Her head spun, and her fingers fisted in his shirt until she heard seams pop and she still couldn’t get close enough. 

He tangled his fingers in her hair, and eased her head back as he nudged her backwards. She gripped his shoulders, moaning as he dropped open mouthed kisses along the column of her neck. Her fingers gripped his shirt as her butt hit the back of the couch, and he released her hair to steady her.

“Tell me how you feel.”

Caroline tried to grasp his question as one hand slid beneath her shirt, his fingers teasing the waistband of her borrowed pants. “What?”

His lips curved against her jaw and he bit lightly. “I remember everything about our last encounter, love, but you seem particularly sensitive tonight. Is that usual?”

She nodded, breath shuddering as his fingers slipped lower. “Yes. Very. I…” her words cut off as his fingers slid into her underwear, bypassing her aching clit to delve between her wet folds, slicking his fingers. Klaus leaned back to watch her face as he teased her.

“You came so prettily first me on the ruin of our clothes, but I can be so much better tonight. Is it pure sensation that chases away the void, sweetheart or do you need orgasms?” His voice deepened as he pressed a single finger deeper, thumb starting a slow pattern across her clit.

“I don’t know,” She panted, leaning heavily against him as she rocked against his hand. She always got off fast after the first time she fed on her return, but how quickly her body was lighting up for him was insane. Klaus’ gaze locked with hers and she struggled to keep her eyes open and her words coherent as he added a second finger inside her. It was a struggle to find a coherent thought, much less words. “When… when it’s just me, I have to rely on orgasms. And my vibrator. When I have a partner, I haven’t really let any of them...”

She moaned as he hit that perfect spit inside her, words dying in her throat, nails digging into his skin as her vision went hazy at the edges. 

The hand braced against her spine moved to slide against bare skin, and the heat of his palm on her back, the slight scrape of his callouses, was almost a sensory overload.

“Play?” Klaus asked teasingly as he increased the pressure on her clit. 

“Too greedy,” she finally gasped, voice thick. There was more she wanted to say, to admit to, but it ceased to matter as the start of her orgasm rippled through her and she pressed her face into his throat with a cry. The faint bite of his nails against back, the careful movements of his fingers prolonged her orgasm until she was gasping. 

Caroline stayed pressed against him until her heartbeat finally slowed, lifting her head as Klaus eased his hand free of her underwear. She sank her teeth hard into her lower lip as he brought his slick fingers to his mouth, licking the tips clean. 

“I like greedy,” he murmured as he moved to tug at the waistband of her pants in question before helping her ease them down her trembling thighs. “I’d be delighted to give you as many orgasms as you can take, sweetheart, but perhaps we should experiment so that I can be better prepared for your next skip, hmm?”

His hands settled on the back of her bare thighs and she swallowed. She wasn’t sure better prepared would be good for her sanity. But…

“Experiment?”

His dimples were sinful. “How would you feel if I tied you to a headboard? The one in my room should suffice. We’ll see just how much sensation you can handle, what you need, before I wrap my lips around your clit and let you come against my tongue. I’m going to want a much better taste of you.”

She inhaled sharply at his words, her abdomen going tight at the low voiced offer. Fingers sliding into his hair, she debated his offer. “Tie me with what?”

His thumb brushed just beneath the curve of her ass. “I might have a silk scarf or two lying around.”

Caroline snorted and tugged on his hair. “I’m not letting you tie me to the bed with anything that’s so much as touched another woman.”

Klaus bent his head and sank his fangs into the soft curve of her mouth, and she arched against him with a whine. He didn’t take much, a mere mouthful, but he sucked on lower lip into until it stopped bleeding. Pulling back, his eyes gleamed. “I do so enjoy your jealousy, Caroline.”

She spluttered, but Klaus gripped the back of her thighs and lifted her onto her toes. Caroline took the hint, jumping to hook her thighs around his hips. The hard edge of his erection pressed against the damp line of her panties, and she rocked against it. Shuddering at how good the pressure felt, she repeated the motion as he encouraged her with a low moan, hips shifting until she found the perfect angle. 

Klaus’ lips feathered along her jaw, teeth nipping below her ear and her thighs clenched around his waist. His lips curved against her neck, lips chasing the line of her throat when her head tipped back in a silent demand for more. 

“Bed,” she finally managed to grit out. “I want that bed.” His teeth scraped a particularly sensitive spot on her neck before world blurred, and she glanced around as they came to a halt. The room was opulent and full of windows, but it was impossible to notice a chill with Klaus pressed so tightly against her. He laved at the hollow of her collarbones, pulling her attention back to him before he lowered her gently onto the bed, encouraging her legs to release him.

For a moment she just stared up at him in the low light, his curls wild from her fingers and his eyes so hungry it was impossible to feel anything but the same greed. Something warm bubbled in her chest, arousal put aside for a single moment as they watched each other. “Hey,” she said with a small smile.

His laugh was soft, and he chased her smile with soft lips. “I adore you like this,” he told her, his inhale against her skin followed by another pleased noise. “My scent all over you; the smell of you hot and slick and waiting for me. I want to taste you.”

Caroline shivered and scooted back to make room for him. That was an offer she wasn’t going to refuse, not when she ached for him. “I thought you were going to?”

His smile was dimpled. “Take off your shirt.”

Her fingers shook a little as she did as he asked before reaching for her bra clasp. He’d torn right through her bra the last time they’d had sex, and just then it was her only option. Tossing it to the side, she ran her eyes along his rumbled figure. 

“Are you going to join me?” She reached over to tug on his shirt collar. “Off.”

He crawled onto the bed, head bent to skim along the flushed skin of her abdomen before skimming one breast before he encouraged to settle deeper into his pillows. Under her heavy lidded gaze, Klaus impatiently worked at the buttons on his shirt. When she reached for the newly barred flesh, he caught her hands and kissed her palms. “Not yet, I think.”

“Seriously?” She complained, fingers flexing against his. “I want to touch too.”

He nipped one fingertip before licking away the sting. “Later, you may do as you wish. But right now, I get to touch you. We have a few theories to test, do we not?”

“You really want to tie me to the bed?” Her woods came out a bit breathless, stomach fluttering with fresh arousal. Instead of answering, Klaus’ smile turned slightly wicked and then he disappeared before returning quickly and holding a long strip of silk the same golden shade as champagne. He crawled onto the bed and draped it across her breasts with a considering look. She bit the side of her tongue to keep from making a noise at the slide of fabric across stiff nipples that the silk did nothing to hide. 

“Yes,” he said softly, his finger gliding a line down her belly. “It’s as pretty against your skin as I’d imagined, but perhaps next time something a shade or two darker.”

“You just…”

His glanced at her face from beneath his lashes, smile turning a touch lascivious. “A bit of silk is easy enough to keep on hand, and I’ve thought you often enough over the years that I might have a hopeful purchase or two lying around.”

“Oh.”

Klaus tipped his head to the side and studied her face. “We can save this for another night, sweetheart. Something to anticipate perhaps, if you’d prefer.”

Caroline thought about it and shook her head. “No, it’s not that. I’ve just never tried this before but I want too.”

“If you are uncomfortable at any point, we will stop.” His smile turned wicked, dimples creasing his cheeks. “This particular silk has only been touched by the witch who spelled it. Does that meet your requirements?”

Heat flushed through her at his words and she swallowed. “What else do you have tucked away?”

His chuckle was rough, tongue snaking across his lips. “A few things, but I thought we had agreed that some of them should be a surprise.”

“Surprises are generally not my favorite,” she pointed out, voice holding steady even as he circled one nipple with a fingertip. The rasp of silk felt good, but she wanted his mouth there instead. 

“Oh, I imagine there might be a time or two I could talk you into them,” he murmured, voice dipping low and coaxing. “Tonight I’ll tie you to my bed, but perhaps after we’ve learned just what you can handle, what you like post-skip you’ll let me blindfold you as well, hmm? There are a number of items that can be used to enhance such an experience. Soft, exploratory touches until you’re languid and wet, until your body craves the orgasm I’d give you. Eventually. I think you’d enjoy a number of surprise then.”

Her inhale was shaky at the flutter of arousal that washed through her at his words. “I like to watch.”

Klaus’ eyes gleamed. “Do you? There might be a mirror around here somewhere can make use of later. Right now, hands above your head, sweetheart.”

Wiggling around into a slightly more comfortable position, she settled her wrists near the headboard. Klaus gathered the silk and reached up, wrapping her wrists firmly before securing them up the headboard. 

“All right?”

Caroline wiggled her fingers and nodded. “Yes.”

“Good,” he murmured gaze trailing down the line of her torso and lingering on her bare thighs. “Tell me if that changes. For any reason, Caroline.” 

“I will.”

Klaus made a noise of approval in his chest, his hands resting on the curve of her inner thighs. She shivered at the sensation of his callouses dragging lightly against her skin as his thumbs stroked upward, but never quite reached where she wanted him. Squirming, Caroline curled her fingers into the silk. “I thought you were going to touch me.”

“Am I not?” He questioned, hands easing her thighs wider. The sweep of his gaze was lascivious, and his one corner of his mouth curved upwards as his eyes met hers. “You’ll have to forgive me. I’ve fantasized many times of having my very own Caroline-feast, but to actually have you here? I plan on taking my time tonight, Caroline. Last time we rushed, and while the sight of you with leaves in your hair as you came on my cock is one I have thought of often there are many benefits to a bed, hmm?”

His head bent, lips skimming ever so softly along her abdomen. She strained against his hold, thighs tensing at the hint of teeth. A slow, dangerous smile curled against her belly and he hummed in thought. Caroline moaned as he sucked on a spot just above her navel, gooseflesh breaking out across her skin. 

“Klaus, come on.”

He glanced up then, pupils wide against the yellow of his wolf. “I believe I promised you play,” he reminded as he settled against her, the coarse fabric of his dress pants tantalizing against her bare thighs. She curled her legs around his waist but he didn’t let her arch against him, the flex of hips pinning hers to the bed. Instead his mouth settled at the base of her throat, tongue a hot, velvet slide in the hollow between her collarbones. “As much as you can bear.”

His words puffed against her nipple, and the stroke of his tongue was better. He kept the pressure light, a mere tease of heat and sensation, and she arched her back, chasing his mouth. His hum of pleasure vibrated against her skin and her knees pressed tightly against his sides. When he finally lifted his head, he cupped her neglected breast and squeezed lightly, gaze locked on the shape of her breast in his palm.

“More,” Caroline demanded impatiently. “More.”

“I told you I’d give you what you wanted,” he reminded her, tongue a velvet counterpoint to his words. He kept his pace agonizingly slow, each brush of his tongue, the slight burn of his beard against her skin a deliberate seduction of her senses. He chased every twitch, every moan until she was quivering beneath him. 

It was better with him, easier to let Klaus keep her centered than she could ever remember it being with her previous lovers. Her fingers tangled in silk and her body burned for the orgasm he hadn’t let her chase, and she couldn’t feel even a hint of the void lingering. 

“Have you decided?” Klaus asked, gaze flickering to her flushed face as he licked at her trembling abdomen. 

Caroline shook her head, not comprehending the question as he eased further down her body. She unwound her legs, letting him spread her thighs wide as he settled on his elbows. Only the soaked fabric of her panties separated her throbbing clit from his mouth and she wanted them gone. 

“What pushes the void away, love?” His voice was indulgent, breath hot against her thigh before he rested his cheek there, scrapping the sensitive skin red and she twisted her hands in the silk of her toes, moaning. He repeated the motions on her other thigh, gaze returning to her face once he was satisfied by the lingering marks that would quickly fade. “Caroline?”

She dragged her thoughts to the surface. “I think,” she finally managed, voice hoarse with need. “I need another orgasm. To compare.”

His smile was wicked in all the best ways as he snapped the band of her panties, tugging the clinging fabric away from her body. His eyes gleamed gold, gaze dipping. “Do you?”

Klaus didn’t give her a chance to reply, mouth sealing over her clit. Her toes curled into the sheets as he tasted her with a slow drag of his tongue before his forearms settled across her thighs, holding her hips in place as he drove her mad with his tongue. He lingered between her thighs, seemingly content to taste and tease until she was mindless with need. Her gasping breaths went ragged, as the slow buildup gave way to the perfect flicks of his tongue, the suction of his mouth, and her body locked in place as she shouted through her release.

When she finally gained her senses, she watched hazily as he moved to forcefully removed his pants. She was certain she heard seams ripping, a button popping free, but it didn’t matter when he settled between her thighs, his cock hot and hard between them. The sight of his swollen lips, slick from her release and the flush of his cheekbones, the stark need in his eyes, left her craving more. 

“You said I could have what I wanted,” she rasped, thigh hooking over his hip to reel him closer. “And I want you inside me. Right now.”

The expletive that fell from his lips as his cock nestled against her slickness her was gratifying, the way his breathing shuddered against her throat more so. Their combined moans as he nudged inside her was better, and it was all she could do to absorb the feel of him, the way he felt thick and full inside of her. 

“Perfect,” he gritted out, hand sliding beneath her back to arch help support her spine. “Always so bloody perfect.”

He didn’t give her a chance to reply, hips starting a slow grind, the drag of his cock torturously good. His mouth was hot against her throat, the edges of his fangs a tease as he tested both of their control. Caroline arched against him, rubbing her breasts against chest as she hunted for more sensation, more of him. Klaus groaned and his teeth scraped her skin, his tongue catching the drops of blood brought to the surface. 

It wasn’t until she begged, his name a babble of words, that he gave her what she wanted, what they both needed. The unexpected snap of his hips, the feel of his hand sliding between them to toy with her clit sent her careening, Klaus right behind her as she clamped around him, the pulse of her orgasm turning the world hazy.

Soft, feathering kisses brought her back to awareness, and she shifted her arms with a faint sound of complaint. A moment later the silk loosened, and she slipped her wrists free, tangling one hand in his hair. 

“I liked both,” Caroline said a little roughly. 

Klaus smiled, pressing a hot, open mouthed kiss against her sternum. “I can think of a few more things you might like.”

“Like what?”

His smile grew and he slipped back down her body, his lips dragging across her skin.“I want you to watch this time. And after, we’ll see about finding that mirror, hmm?”

Klaus had been correct. She liked a great many things he suggested that night, until she fell asleep pressed against him, pliant and happily exhausted.

-

Caroline woke with a jolt, breathing harsh in her throat. For a moment, she forgot where she was though she was toasty warm and comfortable. Her half-wild gaze locked with Klaus’ from where she was half-buried beneath him, and her most recent memory returned in a rush. 

Blinking away the remains of a dream she couldn’t really remember, she looked around. “What time is it?”

“Early.” Klaus propped himself on an elbow, but didn’t make a move to shift away from her. “Nightmares?”

She reached up to card her fingers through his sex-fluffed hair as she chased the tendrils of what had woken her. “I don't know.”

His hand settled on her hip, thumb tracing along the shape of bone, and his eyes were intent. “Does this happen often?”

Her lips curved sardonically. “Yes. It’ll smooth out once my mind catches up with the rest of me.”

Klaus’ eyes narrowed. “How long does it usually take?”

She shrugged. “There doesn’t seem to be a specific timeline. Sometimes it's a few days, other times I never notice an issue. I did talk to Bonnie about it but she didn’t have much advice. Brains are weird, I suppose.”

He didn’t respond to her attempt to lighten the mood, gaze going distant as he clearly planned something but Caroline found she didn’t mind. It was nice, lingering in bed this way, his naked skin pressed against her own. It wasn’t something she’d have every thought he would want or that she would enjoy with him. It was another piece of a puzzle she really did need to figure out. 

Finally, it was Klaus who broke the silence. “How are you feeling? Do you need more blood?”

Caroline stretched a little beneath him, testing her muscles and ignoring the first stirring of arousal at his offer. Her vampirism had kicked in with fervor after she’d fed from Klaus and today everything felt normal. It was in fact the best she’d felt in years. It wasn’t just his blood, or the amazing sex, but the fact that he’d given her concrete facts. There was a quasi-plan in place that she fully intended to make it something with more bullet points and contingencies, but for the first time since this curse had started, she had answers.

And even if some of them sucked, she had them.

Lips curling, she let the pad of her fingers skim down his check, lingering at the curve of his jaw. “Good. I feel really good.”

A hint of gold brightened his eyes. “I’m glad to hear it.”

“Did you have plans for today?”

“Not anymore.”

She huffed, but couldn’t quite stop her smile. “I don’t want to interfere with whatever plans you have.”

“None of them were particularly important,” he dismissed easily. “A spot or two of murder, intimidating the local population into remembering whose suffrage they exit on. They’ll still be here once we have you settled.”

His gaze turned teasing, and she rolled her eyes but didn’t move to shove him away. “How lucky for them.”

Klaus shook against her, his laughter near silent, his gaze affectionate when he looked at her. “And what about you? What would you like to do today?”

She needed to call Bonnie, have her tell her all about her research. She was pretty sure Klaus had said something about notes? She was going to read them and make them both answer all her questions until she was satisfied she knew every possible fact. Then she was going to bully him into taking her somewhere warmer, because she did not like snow and she refused to be cooped up inside for whatever time she had until her next skip.

But all of that could come a little later. 

“I want a bath,” she decided. “I bet yours is even nicer than the one in my room.”

“It might be,” he conceded. 

Caroline teased the hint of his dimple with her fingertips. “Want to join me?”

His smile deepened beneath her touch, and something lurched in her chest. They had so much to work out between them, and some things would have to wait until the curse no longer lingered over her head, but for the first time in ages, she felt excited about the future. 

Because this man? She could never, ever tell him, but his plans, his being there? They’d made all the difference for her. They were going to ride this curse out and one day, she was going to have a long talk with Jolie. She’d be around when Caroline was ready for it. She knew Klaus would ensure it. 

But that was a plan for another day. 

Leaning forward before he could answer her invitation, she kissed him lightly, more affection than heat, lingering against his mouth because she could. For a moment, her moved against his his warm and lazy, but neither of them were satisfied for long. The kiss deepened, turned hot and wet quickly, and Caroline tugged him back into the bedding. They were going to totally have bath sex later but she had no problem seeing just how filthy they could get before they left the bed. 

[wordstrings]

Inbox dump 

(brace yourselves, I’m including the timestamps because these have been sitting forever and you may literally forget ever having sent one of these because they’re from so long ago 😬)

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Anonymous said: March 11th 2014 *Clears throat* Non-canon verse, uni AU probably *strums guitar and takes a deep breath* DUEEEEE TO A COMPUTING errORRR, dean and gabe are stuck as roomatesssssssss, whilesamandcascanbestucktogethertoo that'snotaneccesitybutitwouldbegreaaaaaaaaattttttttt, and veeery soon it turns into something of a friendship BUT THEEEENNNN dean fights with saaAAAM and gabe is like "dude stop being so upset" aND FLUFF HAPPEeeeeeEEEEEEeens! *stands up and bows* tyvm for accepting debriel though like omg <3

I’ve been rewatching some of Supernatural seasons 5 and 6 this past weekend, and it reminded me how much I love and miss Gabriel. I still maintain that Debriel is a super-underrated ship. The manic-chaos potential is *muah*. (see: #Debriel)

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Anonymous said: August 7th 2018 psst... light back tickles while cuddling in bed are pure™ and wholesome™

Good shit good shit good shit

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Anonymous said: September 19th 2018 I love science and go to public seminars as often as I can. I walked in to the most recent one (which I had picked at random), and it was on the science of tickling. There were demonstrations. There were hand gestures and finger wiggling. There were in depth descriptions of the anatomy and physiology behind ticklish spots. It was legitimately your Amateur Production’s fic, and I was Kevin. Worst of all it was 2 hours long. I think I died during it and my soul was sucked into hell.

Uhhhhhh where can I get a copy of the slide deck?? Asking for a friend. (see: #series: Amateur Production)

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Anonymous said: September 23rd 2018 your art skills have me shook in the best possible way

aaaahh thank you! Fun fact: I went to art school and even took illustration as a concentration area but I’ve hardly drawn anything for like ten years. When I do draw, it’s usually because there are feelings that I don’t wanna do words about. (see: #strings does art)

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Halo!anon said: September 27th 2018 A small, sinful part of Castiel had the urge to gloat. It was somewhat dampened by the fact that Dean was still under the impression that being abducted is peak romance."I can't believe you went out of your way to set up our second date!" He'd squealed, as Castiel tightened his restraints. - little excerpt of a sequel to Date Nights with Demons i had planned for months but abandoned. halo!anon

Your demented version of Demon!Dean is so entertaining 😄 (see: Date Nights with Demons)

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Anonymous said: November 6th 2018 Aaaaah your Gabriel / Kali drabble was adorable, I can't help but love seeing our mighty archangel reduced to a mass of giggles, and you write Gabriel so so well <3. I love your writing your stories always brighten my day ^^

It’s so rare for him to let his guard down, isn’t it? But when he does, he has a grand old time of it. :) (see: this drabble)

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sarah-lou-who said: November 8th 2018 1/4 Boo! The ghost of my online presence in the community is peeking its head in because I need help. I don’t have a platform or following to sound an alarm, so I’m using my platonic tumblr wife’s platform and following for me, because that’s what platonic tumblr wives do. Right? Anyway, I’m very actively fixated on Attack on Titan atm. You know this very well. You also know my predicament. I seem to have exhausted the entire supply of tickly AoT content I’m interested in that exists currently. 2/4 So, if you’re willing to publish these for me, I’m crying out into the vast TFB lands hoping that there’s someone out there to answer the call. I am in desperate need of tickly AoT content. I don’t know if anyone around here writes for it much these days. I haven’t found anyone. And I know beggars can’t be choosers, but it can’t be helped; I really only care if Eren is involved. Even better would be Levi, but I haven’t found ANYTHING involving him, so I feel like asking for that is futile. 3/4 I digress. Even after all this time I can’t keep my asks less than 50 parts long. So my goal here is that someone, somewhere, will by chance come across these, and be able and willing to either write fic of the tickly variety for Eren and/or Levi from Attack on Titan, or direct me to someone who can, if they know a person who knows a person who knows a person. (Sidenote, hi anyone who still remembers me! It’s Sarah, the more ticklish half of Leerah. I’m doing good and I miss you!) 4/4 (I hope you’re all doing well!) Thank you for letting me take advantage of your devoted followers, Strings! Love yaaa!!!

Ah, my platonic tumblr wife Sarah returns! (Digitally, anyway. Reality-wise, we hang out all the time and it’s probably very rude of me to have not published this ask for so long!) I keep teasing her that she has a Type, and that is dark-haired sulky badass who’d probably make a wicked ‘ler – AoT Levi, SPN Cas, FMA Roy, etc. So anyway, if anyone knows of somewhere I can point her to find the content she’s (still) craving, lmk!

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Anonymous said: October 23rd 2019 I’m sorry if this is invasive in any way, but how is Sarah doing? I’ve been absent from Tumblr for a couple years and I see that her blog is now deactivated. I was just wondering if she’s doing alright and if she’s still around here on a different blog maybe?

See above! She doesn’t have a TFB community blog anymore, but she’s doing well. We’re quarantine buddies and helping each other out a lot. Very kind of you to ask! <3

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Anonymous said: December 2nd 2018 Hi, sorry to bother you but do you know what happened to prodigal-anon’s blog? It seems to have been deleted. Sorry again if you’ve been asked this before

No worries, friend! Here’s an answer for you!

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Anonymous said: December 13th 2018 I LOVE THE LOOPY SERIES! I love it so much, is there any chance you’ll be doing a part four? I’d give anything to see Cas and Dean tickle each other, it would be so cute 😍

Despite all evidence to the contrary, I haven’t entirely stopped writing... and Loopy 4 is one of those unfinished pieces that has seen a few additions lately. :) I’ve learned not to make promises about when something might get finished and posted, but I genuinely do believe this may be one of the first things that shows up once I’m ‘back in the game.’ Stay tuned... (see: #series: Loopy)

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Anonymous said: January 1st 2019 No no no you can't just stop there! I need more fluffy destiel with tickles and kissing! Pretty please?

I believe this is in response to Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight. Don’t you worry, anon – Dean and Cas are not done being fluffy on this blog!

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1832wasalongtimeago said: January 25th 2019 Hi I just wanted to pop in and say the Maintenance series is amazing!! The second part was doing things to my poor heart I’ve read it like 5 times already. You’re such an amazing writer and thank you fo writing for us!

I’m very flattered, but I can’t take credit for the Of Maintenance series – that’s the lovely work of ask-flip-frost! It does things to my poor heart, too, so you’re in good company. :)

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Anonymous said: January 26th 2019 Sam Winchester can take a lot of things. The one thing he CAN'T take? Someone using baby talk on him when he's being tickled. He collapses into a puddle of helpless giggles faster than a house of cards in a stiff wind.

Precious Sammy just needs to laugh and be held, doesn’t he? <3

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Anonymous said: May 17th 2019 Thor needs tickles. So. Damn. Much.

Oh this was from right after Endgame came out. Thor did make me feel some sads there. :( Poor bab.

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Anonymous said: July 25th 2019 hi! i’ve read your wonderful fics forever but i’ve never really sent anything like this before so i don’t really know what to say.. but i had a destiel tickly thought and really wanted to share it with somebody, so here goes i guess- dean is taking too long in the shower so cas decides to use his mojo from the other room to speed things along. and listens to dean’s echoey laughs through the door. that’s all. sorry if this is weird! okay bye have a good one

This is not weird and I may have delayed in telling you any of my feelings about it but I definitely have a doc somewhere that has some vague notes about how I’d like to write this because I like it!

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Anonymous said: August 6th 2019 Anhhgff your Good Omens tword fics are so cute snvfddf i never knew I needed that of my favorite husbands till now😳😍

I know, right?! They’re just dying to be dropped into every fluffy situation. (see: #Good Omens)

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Anonymous said: July 25th 2019 Poking my head in to say hello, hope you’re doing well still! I just got into Good Omens and I absolutely loved your fic! (I watched the show first because my book was taking too long in the mail lol) Also, the other week I somehow talked myself into making a tfb blog, after all these years of almost doing so before chickening out (this ask isn’t from it because I just hopped in here briefly in a private phone browser to say hi, it’s literally just august-anon though) ~August!Anon

August!anon, I’m always so happy to see you stop by! Tagging your (not-so-new anymore) blog so everyone can check you out: @august-anon​

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hey-teenblog said: August 4th 2019 I love your fanfiction very much! They give me a lot of pleasant emotions. And most importantly, they, saturated with tenderness and love, gave me to accept myself as lee!! sorry for my english, i'm russian Love you 😘❤️

I will never tire of hearing things like this! Thank you for telling me. “Saturated with tenderness and love” is a such wonderful compliment about my writing – thank you very much! No need to apologize for language differences; I’m always impressed with anyone who manages to pick up English because it’s bonkers. 

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Anonymous said: August 23rd 2019 Hi! Just found this blog and wondering some basic info. ** What fandoms do toy write for? ** Do you accept prompts? ** Do you write reader insert fics? Thank you lovley ❤️

Anonymous said: August 29th 2019 Do you write tickle fics for bnha?? Asking for a friend 👀👀

The only fandoms I have reliably been able to write for are Supernatural and Good Omens – but even Good Omens is a rookie player here. Supernatural is my main jam, and Destiel is my favorite flavor. I don’t do reader inserts, but I’m always “accepting” prompts. I just haven’t written many of them for quite a long time now, so you’re welcome to drop them as long as you’re okay with them collecting dust. (see: this selfsame post)

My About/FAQ page is very dusty right now, too, but there might be some useful tidbits in there for you.

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Anonymous said: November 12th 2019 okayokayokay. Have you watched Lucifer? It's on netflix, it's great, so much emotions and pining. (Also, y'know, reg. Luci stuff. He runs a club. Bad jokes. It's great.)

I haven’t, but it’s on my Netflix watchlist, so I’ll get there eventually! I saw a gifset once where he actually did the thing I see in winged fanfic all the time, where there was gunfire and he sheltered someone he cared about with his manifested wings. And honestly, that was the deciding factor for me.

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Anonymous said: November 16th 2019 Oh Man U listen to Critrole as well! Nice! Campaign 1 was awesome but also heartfelt and really gut-punching at points. Who is your fav so far, anyone you aren’t fond of? (& Out of interest do you have any tickle related thoughts on the main crew or upcoming Fics we can look out for? As you said it’s tumbleweeds out here for this fandom’s tickles and I’ll take anything really 😂!) Hope u enjoy!!!!!

It’s STILL tumbleweeds out here and it’s making me crazy! My heart belongs to Vax primarily, Percy secondarily. I don’t really have cohesive thoughts or headcanons about anything, unfortunately. I do have this one mental picture that keeps coming up that I keep wanting to see art of (who knows, maybe I’ll commission somebody someday?) – of ridiculous brute Grog just lifting Vax straight up in his arms and gettin’ wiggly with his fingers while all Vax can do is laugh and pry and kick while absolutely nobody helps him.

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Regarding #series: Accessor:

Anonymous said: August 31st 2015 I would like to see accessor!verse cas using feathers on Dean!!! and NIBBLES and RASPBERRIES and TEETH and TONGUE and WOWWWWWW

ME TOO, FRIEND. It’s been aaaaages since I published anything new for the Accessor AU, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been going back to my unfinished docs every once in a while to add a few lines here and there. ;) 

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Anonymous said: October 29th 2016 Prompt: Cas is put in charge of getting a treaty with a neighboring country that shares a lot of the same customs, including Accessories, with certain... twists (think Bracelets AU) and treats their personal slaves (like Accessories) like people (listening to opinions, giving proper care, etc.). The foreign diplomats keep bringing that up and talking to Dean. Cas isn't sure he can make it though the diplomatic proceedings. Also, he might be having improper thoughts about that custom and Dean...

I’m posting this here, but I’m definitely keeping this filed elsewhere because it’s FANTASTIC.

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Halo!anon submitted: June 4th 2018 I can’t help but imagine how tickling must play a part in other aspects of society in the accessor ‘verse, besides the sessions between master and accessory. So here’s some imagines and headcanons, with a touch of worldbuilding. (Warnings, besides the usual for this AU: death mention, reference to past trauma.)

- Among the high class, during parties and other celebrations, it’s seen as a common courtesy to string up one’s personal accessory in the center of the room and let the guests entertain themselves with them. Lord Castiel never does this with Dean, much to his fellow nobles’ disappointment; the mere suggestion had Dean quaking as things he’d rather forget came back to bite him.

- Every so often, a petty criminal(the poor man’s accessory, if you will) is placed in stocks in a small town’s square and left at the mercy of the very people they used to menace. What happens next usually involves honey, some sheep, and plenty of begging. A guard stands by to warn people, “No hurting, only tickling. Everyone please wait your turn, they’re not going anywhere any time soon.”

- Certain monastic healers perform tickle therapy as a treatment for anxiety, stress, and other “diseases of the soul”, as they call them. Balthazar himself proposed the idea, because of course he did. The rich usually indulge in this kind of therapy secretly, due to its undignified nature. Some contemplate the possibility of training accessories to tickle in the future, but it’s still a big taboo.

- Every town has a folktale about a tickle monster. Curiously, many of them involve controlling plants and attacking through dreams. The southern communities still have a giggle remembering that one time six years ago when Michael offered to hunt down one such monster and came back with Crowley, a sleazy drunkard with a fetish and a dream, sitting in a cage and wearing a mask.

- The Masters sisters, Lillith, Meg and Ruby, have a long history with law enforcement. Their favorite pastime is snatching unlucky merchants off the roads and tickling them into coughing up everything they have. Everyone is sure they had a hand in Fergus"Crowley" Macleod’s untimely demise by ferocious attack hounds, but they’re very good at covering their tracks. They’ll help you cover up your tracks too, if you’re a friend- ask Bela Talbot.

I might make a second part if I get any more ideas. I hope you enjoyed this! -Halo!anon.

I am very fond of you indeed, Halo!anon. These are so creative!

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hypahticklish submitted: July 24th 2018 Accessor!Ideas:

~ Gabriel leads a furious rant regarding Prince Lucifer/Sam to Castiel, relating back to perhaps dealings he has directly had with the Prince between their two unstable-yet-truced Kingdoms. Castiel relates with similar views shared by Gehenna’s councilor(s).

~ Dean and Sam BM where the audience learns more about their homevillage. Dean starts it after a rather morose remark from Sam and ends with Sammy smiling and stealing my heart.

~ Balthazar helps Sam in several ways: 1) Learns the Sam was originally a psuedo-Advocates apprentice, as well as herbalist nephew when Sam identifies the components to some salves/medicines he’s making (he had been explaining what he was doing in an attempt to spare himself being attacked like the first couple times) 2) Calls Sam out on being intelligent and making a recklessly stupid choice by selling himself to find Dean. 3) Removes Lucifers mark. And maybe perhaps: 4) Allows Sam to assist in his own healing/medicine making under his careful observation, feigned as needing two sets of hands to do correctly and his assistant was running an errand, to assess his skills. 5) Offer he work in the hospice under him, apprenticing, should Gabriel allow his intelligence not go to waste. It’s not what Sam really wants to do/learn, but it’s better than doing nothing.

~Dean officially thanks Castiel for saving Sam. I’m talking full feels, single man tear sorta thing. And Castiel says “there was never another option” and then its schmoopy sweet with the kisses and the tickles and the Cas saying he loves Dean back!!!!!!!! swoon.

~ Kali!Likes!Sam’s!Spirit! Give me a dinner scene with Gabriel, Kali and Sam where hes holding his own in a diplomatic conversation with them when he nearly crosses a line (maybe something classist? Making it clear that Cas and Gabe are the exception to his experiences) and she says “I like this ones fire. He reminds me of you, my love.” *grabby hands*

~ Prince Lucifer sends a message to Gabriel requesting (threatening) his Helpmate be returned to him for a handsome reward. Sam somehow sees letter and gets spooked because DRAMA. Gabriel responds to Lucifer with the Chief Advocate equivalent of “Fuck Off”

You, my friend. YOU. All these feelings about Sam? Top-notch, and I shall be borrowing them, yes I shall.

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Regarding #android!Cas:

hypahticklish said: January 23rd 2016 Android!Cas deciding today is the DAY. Dean has been teasing him lately that he likes these strange sensations that have him using all his back-up generated power to not accidentally break Dean's bones and challenging him with that cocky smirk and relaxed confidence. Android!Cas practicing during time while Dean rests with holding objects with similar density to the human wrists with enough gentle force that they neither fracture or slip from his grasp. Android!Cas surprising Dean by turning the tables and pinning his wrists over his head while settling himself on Dean's thighs. Android!Cas not necessarily tickling at first so much as just touching like he had been wanting to so as to catalog how his best friend feels with his new technology. Android!Cas feeling that bubble of FEELS in his chest as he listens to Dean swear at him with positive physical actions negating his harsh words, growing more amused as the bubbling giggles begin. I love Android!Cas 

Anonymous said: January 23rd 2016 Android!Cas figures out his own strength comes in handy for more than just retaining himself during tickle fights. When he surprises Dean, Dean tends to squirm and fight back a little (even though he told Cas to get him back as part of the experience), so Cas uses his strength to gently hold Dean down while ticking him. Dean's never been held immobile before so it's a new experience for him, but he ends up liking it. Cas notices how Dean relaxes into his hold after a minute or so. Cas doesn't fail to use this knowledge about Dean, coming up with teasing words and methods of ticking to make Dean all squirmy and giggly, taking special notice of how light tickles effect Dean even more than most other touches, using that specially designed soft brush meant to gently clean Cas' delicate computer chips.

Anonymous said: February 17th 2016 I'm joining in on the Android!Cas thing, if not too late. Perhaps Android!Cas has detachable parts, like a foot, and Dean is a jerk and runs off and hides with it all the while tickling it and making fun of Android!Cas's increasingly desperate attempts to get it back.

Y’all, careful deliberate curious determined ‘ler Cas is LIFE. And, reserved confused helpless adorable ‘lee Cas is also life. Detachable and extensible parts are probably key to both of these things.

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Regarding current personal circumstances:

Anonymous said: January 14th 2020 I pray that you’re able to find peace during this difficult time. You are loved more than you will ever know. I know it’s hard to believe, but there will come a time that you are thankful for this experience, because it will have turned you into the person you are truly meant to be. Be strong and be hopeful. Keep your faith and keep knowing that you are going to be okay. Don’t let this dark time destroy the magnificent light inside of you. Sending you so much love

Anonymous said: January 17th 2020 I’m so sorry you’re struggling. Hang in there! We’re all here for you!

Anonymous said: February 11th 2020 all my love, thoughts and prayers are going towards you right now. also wanted to just drop a little thank you note in your inbox for all the light and joy i've found in your fics over the years. im sitting half way through my first year at uni currently but ive been a fan of yours since early highschool and i feel like ive almost grown up with your writing and fanfics in a strange way, so thank you so much for that. sending all my love to you once again- you are so strong x

I love you all so much.

[thirsttrapholland]

What Happens in the On-Call Room

Requested?    Yes  

By: anonymous

Pairing: Doctor!Tom x Doctor!Reader

Anonymous said to thirsttrapholland:

hello love! wondering if doc!tom interested you, like idk he fucks her in the toilet or smthn and he gets paged for surgery idk

Warning(s): Smut, adult language, Dr. Holland making you swoon, I think that’s about it.

Word Count: 2050

A/N: Alright y’all, I don’t know jack about doctors or the inner workings of hospitals except for what I learned from Grey’s, Scrubs and the occasional episodes of General Hospital I used to watch with my grandma after school,lol. So, if I got any details or lingo wrong, please forgive me.

Changed it up just a little bit anon. I hope you like it.   Feedback is always appreciated.

You had promised yourself that you would never fulfill the cliché of overworked, stressed out and sleep deprived doctors that had neither the time nor energy to maintain real relationships and instead took sexual solace in a colleague they might not even like or barely knew just to stave off boredom, loneliness and to feel something at least akin to a real human connection.

And yet, just like something out of a particularly shitty and depraved episode of Grey’s Anatomy, there you were on the lumpy sofa in the on-call room being fucked senseless by Dr. Thomas Holland.

You had been stretched out on the sofa trying to recall from the abnormal psych class you’d taken as an undergrad, just how many hours a person could go without sleep before they started to hallucinate.

You were over halfway through your second 12-hour shift of the week and despite how bone tired and weary you were, sleep seemed to be eluding you.  You had just started to drift off for the first time in you couldn’t remember how long, when the door to the on-call room banged open and you heard someone walk in. You opened your eyes to find the infamous Tom Holland standing over you.

Dr. Holland was known all around the hospital for three things.

Number one, was his impeccable bedside manner.  He really had a way with people.  He was both incredibly charming and had a soothing presence.  He possessed an innate ability to calm even the most terrified patient or family member. He never talked down to his patients but explained exactly what would take place during their surgeries in a way that they could understand and patiently answered all their questions.  Most of the hospital staff was convinced that most of his patients were at least half in love with him by the time they were released.

 Secondly, he was the youngest and most arrogant cardiothoracic surgeon on the staff and that was really saying something.  Most surgeons were at least a little bit arrogant by nature; it was hard not to be when you were responsible for people’s lives.  Probably a little hard not to develop an outsize ego when you literally held other people’s hearts in your hands on a regular basis.

Even you yourself weren’t immune to having your head up your own ass on occasion; so, the fact that his cockiness stood out in a building full of doctors really kind of said it all.  He was very good at what he did and wasn’t about to let anybody forget it.

And finally, it wasn’t just patients who were taken in by his charming bedside manner.  If all the talk around the halls was to be believed, Tom had a cut a swath through the hospital, counting nurses, fellow doctors and maybe even an administrator or two among his conquests.  He never really dated anybody; it was more just random hook ups.

Of course, hospitals were worse than the average high school cafeteria when it came to being a breeding ground for rumors, so who even knew how much of the gossip was true.  Dr. Holland had been the attending on a couple of your intakes and there had been a few moments that if you squinted hard enough, he might have been flirting with you but for the most part he was always professional.

Which is not to say that you were immune to his charms; not at all.   Tom was handsome and that was just a fact.  Big brown eyes, thick wavy dark brown hair, killer cheekbones, a ridiculous jawline and the kind of smile that could literally light up a room.  The kind of soft, gentle voice that could probably talk you into damn near anything if he wanted to. So, if people really were queuing up to be next in line, you got it.

In fact, if you were being honest with yourself, you knew that if he ever made a move on you or if an opportunity presented itself, there was a very high chance that you would say yes.  You just weren’t going to go out of your way to be the latest notch on his bedpost.

You gave up on the notion of getting any sleep as you swung your feet off the sofa to make room for Tom to sit down.  “What are you doing here?”  His casual street attire, a plain black t-shirt and a pair of faded jeans, was a tip off that he was no longer on the clock.  “Didn’t your shift end a couple of hours ago?”    

“It did but the patient I operated on earlier should be coming around sometime soon and I promised her I’d be here when she woke up.”

As many physical assets as Dr. Holland had, you thought that perhaps the most attractive thing about him was just how much he genuinely cared about his patients.  

It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence to pass by a patient’s room and see Tom sitting on the edge of their bed, regaling them with some ridiculous story, sneaking them an extra pudding cup from the cafeteria or simply just holding a hand.  

You could tell from the dark circles under his eyes just how tired he was. He should have been at home in his own bed, but he’d promised a patient that he would be here, so here he was.

“You look dead on your feet.  It’s really nice of you to wait for your patient to wake up.”

“Well, I promised.”  His face lit up with a wicked grin.  “Besides, I’ve got the next two days off.”

“Oh screw you, Holland.”  Time off was a rare and precious commodity and your next day off seemed a lifetime away.  You couldn’t even pretend not to be jealous.

Tom let out a chuckle as he flopped down next to you on the sofa.  “Sorry if I woke you up.”

“Don’t worry about it. The chances of me actually falling asleep were fairly slim anyway.”  You leaned your head against the back of the sofa.  “I’m just gonna rest my eyes for a few minutes though.”

“You don’t mind if I sit here with you, do you?” Tom asked.

“Of course not.”  You stifled a yawn with your hand as your eyes once again slid shut.

You awoke with a start.  You were slightly disoriented as your brain made the transition from sleeping to being fully conscious.  Your surroundings suddenly came into focus and you remembered that you were in the on-call room.  

What you were having more trouble comprehending was why there was an arm around your shoulders and whose warm solid chest your head was resting against.   You slowly sat up and looked up into the face of the person you’d been using as a pillow.

Tom grinned down at you.  “You’re awake.”

“I don’t even remember falling asleep.”

“You were out like a light about two seconds after you claimed you were just ‘resting your eyes’.  Next thing I knew your head had lolled over onto my shoulder.

“This is so embarrassing.”  Of all the people to fall asleep and probably drool on.  “Why didn’t you move me?”

Tom reached out and stroked a stray strand of hair off your forehead.  “I didn’t mind.”  It was such a simple gesture but it stirred something inside of you that you couldn’t explain.

You could blame sleep deprivation.  You could blame the fact that you hadn’t even been on a decent date, let alone had sex in far longer than you wanted to think about.  You could even blame the fact that you kind of, lowkey had a crush on him.

Whatever the reason, a switch had been flipped in your brain and suddenly, having Dr. Thomas Holland on top of you, inside of you seemed like the best idea in the world.  The lusty gaze in his dark eyes let you know that he had reached a similar conclusion.

Tom tore off his own t-shirt before making quick work of your clothes, as he pulled off your underwear and scrub bottoms and tossed them onto the floor.  He fished a condom out of his pocket and handed it to you before hurriedly shoving his jeans and boxer briefs down to his knees.

You licked your hand and pumped his cock a few times with your spit slicked palm before tearing the condom wrapper open with your teeth and rolling it smoothly down over his hardness.

Tom peppered kisses down your neck and across your exposed collarbones as he settled his slender hips between your open thighs and teased your clit with his cock; tapping against the swollen nub and making you squirm beneath him.  You gasped and dug your short blunt fingernails into the firm flesh of his lightly freckled shoulders as he finally slid inside your already slick walls.  He slowly pulled halfway out before thrusting back in and bottoming out.

You pulled his bottom lip between your teeth before sucking his tongue into your mouth, the two of you exchanging wet sloppy kisses as you tangled your fingers in his soft hair and pulled; the way he moaned against your lips let you know how much he liked it.

You wrapped your legs around his waist; your ankles crossed behind his back, locking him in place as he moved deep inside you.  

Tom buried his forehead against the crook of your neck as he took one of your hands in his and held it above your head; your fingers intertwined with his.  

You could feel him twitching inside of you and knew he was close.  You brought your free hand down between the two of you and started to rub your clit.  Tom’s strokes came harder and faster until all the tension that had been building in your body exploded; the fluttering and clenching of your wet inner walls spurring him right behind you into his own release.

The spasms in your body had barely subsided when you were brought out of your post coital bliss by the hospital’s blaring PA system.

“Dr. Holland, please report to 445-C.  Dr. Holland, you’re needed in 445-C.”

The loud announcement was like a splash of cold water to the face, bringing you back to your senses as your stomach dropped with the realization of what you had just done.

You’d just had sex with a colleague that in all honesty, you barely even knew.

You’d just had sex with a colleague that you barely even knew while you were at work and on duty.

You’d just had sex with a colleague that you barely even knew, while you were at work and on duty in a room with an unlocked door that anyone could have walked into at any time.

One quick glance at Tom’s face let you know that he was coming to the same realization.  He stood up and dropped the cum filled condom into the trash can before he hastily pulled up his boxers and jeans.  “That should be my patient, I need to go.”  He grabbed your scrubs and underwear off the floor and handed them to you.

Overcome with a sudden wave of modesty, you waited until he turned his back to put his shirt back on before you shimmied into your underwear.  You couldn’t help it  as you thought to yourself, ‘Is that it? Wham, bam and not even a thank you, ma’am?’

You were just about to step into your scrub bottoms when Tom turned back to you.  “What time are you off?”

You regarded him with a slightly suspicious expression on your face before answering.  “Two a.m. Why?”

“I was just wondering if you might like to grab a cup of coffee with me.”  When you didn’t answer right away, Tom raked his hand through his hair and shook his head. “Okay, that was really stupid. Last thing you probably want at two o’clock in the morning is a cup of coffee.”

You had never known Dr. Tom Holland to be anything less than confident so to see him like this, nervously asking you out for a cup of coffee, it was kind of endearing.

“Yes.”

He looked up, a grin growing across his face.  “Yes?”

“Yes, I’d love to get a cup of coffee with you.”

“Okay then.  Meet you back here in a few hours?”

“Sure, it’s a date.”  You instantly regretted the words as soon as they were out of your mouth. You didn’t want him to think you were trying to make this more than what it was.  You were wishing you could take the words back into your mouth when Tom flashed his beautiful smile at you.

“Yeah.  It’s a date.”

[jungshookz]

ceo!yoongi - daddy’s little girl

→ pairing: min yoongi x reader

→ summary: it seems like hwayoung might have a favourite parent, and, spoiler alert: it’s not you.

→ genre: ceo!yoongi universe, fluFF aka jimin and hwayoung in matching teddy jackets, angst because parenthood is hard, lil touch of smut because yoongi n y/n have missed each other and hwayoung keeps cockblocking them womp womp

→ wordcount: 5.5k

→ notes: if you missed the ceo!yoongiverse as much as i did i hope you’ll like this drabble!! i’m sorry it took so long ya girl’s been buSY as heck! anyways i have moVed on from google translate and i have a vEry special translator who i will not expose in case they want to remain anonymous but for those of you who were horrified by the google translate korean from a couple drabbles ago i hope this time around it’s better!! also i couldn’t come up with a better title so get ur minds out of the guTTER

if you have no idea whO ceo!yoongi is, go ahead and read the fic that started it allllllllll anyways i hope you guys like this one! feel free to flood the friCK out of my inbox i love dat shit

or if you’re interested in reading other ceo!yoongi drabbles: the proposal | x | the wedding | x | the first date | x | jealousy | x | baby makes three | x | the fishnet stockings | x | baby min’s timeline | x | the birth of baby min | x |

if u wanna ask yoongs or y/n (or hwayoung?? u won’t get a lot outta her unfortunately) anything u know what to do ;-)

(gif isn’t mine!)

(((and the read more function iS there but most of the time it doesn’t work on mobile :// i am sorry don’t attack me by sending passive-aggressive anon messages)))

you’re pretty sure hwayoung hates you

which is NOT fair because you gRew her for nine months and um also YOU BIRTHED HER

“we’re never going to get this diaper on if you keep kiCking me” you scowl as her tiny foot digs into your (still sensitive) stomach and you wince in pain

how the frick do diapers work

it’s just deconstructed underwear and you can’t even figure it out

which way is the back????

“okay, let me just…” you lift her up a little and slide the diaper underneath and plop her bum back down

hm

no that doesn’t look right

maybe that’s the front???

“sorry, wait-“ you lift her up again and she gurgles when you whIp the diaper away from under her “okay, now i got it”

you’re about to reach out to lift her up again but then

o frick

you sigh frustratedly when her face crumples up and she starts to wail “oH my god girl why are you crying?? what is there to cry about?????? do you want to hang out in a poopy diaper all day???? i’m trying to help you!!”

she starts to cry harder and now yOU want to cry

jesus

your ears are literally about to start bleeding

this girl has a pair of lungs for sure

“hey, what’s wrong? y/n, what did you do?” you turn as yoongi walks into the nursery looking as concerned as ever

“wha- what makes you think i did something??” you scoff and yoongi plucks the diaper from your hand

“오~케이 아빠왔다! 아빠가 기저귀 빨리 갈아줄게! [oh...okay... daddy’s here! daddy’s gonna change your diaper!]” yoongi tuts and slides the diaper underneath her and her wails begin to reduce to small hiccups and whimpers “y/n, jagi, i know you’re tired but maybe you shouldn’t yell at our two-month-old child, hm?”

“i wasn’t yelling-“

“you kind of were” yoongi mutters and you clench your fists in frustration

you can’t help it

you haven’t slept in like a week so you’re exhausted and you feel like you’re about to pass out all the time

your boobs are always just,.., leaKIng

your nipples!!! are so chaffed!!! and so raw!!!!!!!!

all of your clothes are now stained with multiple types of bodily fluids

you watch as yoongi tightens the straps and then sticks the little tabs down

and the whole time

hwayoung doesn’t move and barely makes a peep

she gurgles as he tucks her legs back into the onesie and buttons her little outfit back up

“alright, you chunky monkey” he pinches her thighs and grins down at her “we’re all done! 아~ 내 째깐한기— 누구 딸이길레 이렇게 귀여운거야? [oh, you’re so cute - whose baby is this cute?]” he coos and tickles her plump lil belly

he rubs his nose against hers and her tiny palm slaps against his cheek

yoongi picks her up and cradles her in his arms and she sucks her fist into her mouth

“how about you go and take a shower? i can take care of her for a bit” yoongi murmurs and yanks her fist out of her mouth

she whines and shoves her fist back in

he doesn’t give you a choiCe because then he’s walking out of the nursery

okay

guess you’re taking a shower

you let out a long sigh as the hot water rains down on you

you don’t know how you’re going to survive motherhood

it’s already so hard

you can’t even put a diaper on

you know what

motherhood is difficult buT you know for a fact it’s going to become easier

yeah

just give it some time

everything will be fine

3AM

the sudden sound of wailing jolts you awake and you sit up immediately

the baby monitor next to you is blinking like crazy

u don’t even need the baby monitor to tell u that hwayoung is crying because her cries are so loUD

you reach over and turn on the lamp and let out a sigh

there’s some shuffling next to you and yoongi reaches over and places a hand on your bare thigh

“i got it, don’t worry.” yoongi murmurs and rubs the sleep out of his eyes with his other hand

“you had a long day at work today… i can take care of it” you bring his hand up to your mouth and press a kiss over his knuckles

“no… no….i…i got it…” yoongi rolls over onto his stomach and flops an arm over your lap

he’s basically fallen back asleep and you can’t help but snort quietly at your husband

you run your fingers through his hair gently before pushing him back so that he’s on his back

you let out another yawn and crawl out of bed

“coming, i’m coming…” you make your way down the hall to hwayoung’s room

goD

you are so tired you could pass out right now

“hi, sweet girl… can’t sleep, hm?” you scoop her up into your arms and she tucks her face into the crook of your neck and continues to sob

you can feel your shoulder getting wet from the copious amount of tears and snoT being produced by your child as you pace back and forth

you spend the next twenty or so minutes trying to calm her down but nothing seems to be working

she keeps spitting out her pacifier

you tried bouncing her and it didn’t work

you cradled her in your arms and sat in the rocking chair and it didn’t work

you even tried singing that stupid tomato song that jungkook and jimin sing to her that she seems to like (u don’t really know the lyrics so it was basically just you saying ‘tomato’ over and over again but in the tune of the song lmao)

“she’s still crying?” you look over your shoulder to see yoongi standing by the door

you’re about to respond but hwayoung lets out another ear-piercing sob

he scratches at his bare chest and lets out a yawn before holding his arms out “c’mere, give her to me”

you’re about to protest because u want to prove to yourself AND yoongi that you are capable of making your guys’ child stop crying but like

your arms are starting to get tired

and hwayoung doesn’t seem like she’s going to stop crying any time soon

the moment yoongi takes her into his arms her cries start to quiet down significantly and you’re like ????????

are u having a fever dream

is this even happening right now

“yeah, there we go… 아이고야, 아기야 울지말거라.....[no need to cry…]” yoongi coos and pats her back gently

a fat tear rolls down her cheek as she shuts her eyes and-

what

did she just fall asleep

she totally just fell asleep

“hey, look at that! easy-peasy.” yoongi teases but the smile drops from his face when he sees that you are very noT amused

“that is so not fair.” you grumble and watch him put her back in her crib

as days start bleeding into weeks you can’t help but realise just how exhausting being a mother is

you can’t even grasp the basic concept of time because you’ve been hanging out at home all day and all night

you only know it’s nighttime whenever yoongi comes back from work

yoongi’s been a vEry supportive and doting husband and father even though you know he’s super busy at work

he offers to make dinner and he gives you back massages when you need it

he’s always the first one outta bed whenever hwayoung starts crying in the middle of the night

jimin and kook stop by from time to time

most of the time they bring food for you which you’re very grateful for

the point is

usually you have someone there with you whenever things get rough

but tonight

tonight is really testing you

yoongi isn’t going to be home for a little while longer

jimin is busy at work with yoongi

jungkook’s hanging out with his other pals tonight

so it’s just you and your baby

speaking of your baby

hwayoung is being especially difficult tonight

more difficult than usual

you can’t help but wonder if she inherited the stubborn gene from you (the answer is yes in case it wasn’t already painfully clear)

she hasn’t cried in two hours which is concerning because she usually bursts into tears like every twenty minutes

that means when she eventually cries it’s going to be the most intense waiLS you think you’ll ever get from her

“you sure you don’t want any milk?” you let out a sigh of frustration as you try feeding her your nipple and she moves her head away before bursting into tears “c’mon, just-“ you try manoeuvring her head towards your boob again and she whips her head away “hwayoung, please, mommy’s boob is literally probABly going to explode if you don’t-“ she starts to cry harder and you’re pretty sure she’s going to pop a lung if she doesn’t stop “okay okAY okay no milk no milk” you shush and stand up and start bouncing her gently

you wince and reach up to cup your boob

o god

your boobs hurt so fuckign much

you need to pump some milk out before you pass out

you haven’t used the breast pump yet because hwayoung’s been diligent with the milk drinking but for some reason she’s refused to drink aLL day today which has resulted in what you think is an ovERProduction of milk in your boobs

“shh, it’s okay, there’s nothing to cry about…” you mutter as you go through the cupboards and- “ah! found it!!”

“mommy’s just gonna put you down here, okay?” hwayoung’s calmed down a bit but you know she’s still irritated because she keeps fussing and whining

you lie her down on the couch and take a seat next to her

you don’t think you’ve ever felt suCh relief in your life when you finally attach the pump to your boob and it starts suCkINg the milk out of your body

“thank god..” you sigh and rest your head back against the couch

all that can be heard in the room is the continuous pumping of the machine with hwayoung’s occasional babble thrown in

see

everything’s fine

you glance over and-

“hwayoung-!” you gasp and imMediately reach out to grab her before she can roll off the damn couch

and then all hell breaks loose

your hand knocks against the bottle attached to your boob when your arms whIP out to grab onto her

the bottle tumbles onto the ground and you literally want to die when the milk spills out and starts soaking into the rug

that was

that was like all of your milk

that was hwayoung’s meal and it’s all gone

“fuckin-“ hwayoung’s shrieking at this point and you have no idea what to do

here you are in the middle of the living room with a boob hanging out of your nurSing bra with your child crying into the crook of your neck

“okay, it’s fine, don’t cry!” you seem like you’re telling yourself that rather than hwayoung

you groan in pain when you shoVe your sore boob back into your bra and you don’t even bother buttoning yoongi’s shirt up because there’s no timE

“okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, mommy’s here,” you try to shush hwayoung as you furiously dab at the carpet with her ducky blanket

she’s squirming in your grip and you wince when she smacks her tiny fist against your face

“-daddy heard your crying all the way from- woAh what the hell” the last thing yoongi expects to see when he walks into the penthouse is the sight of you on your knees scrubbing at the carpet while cradling hwayoung in your arms (who is squirming so much she’s literally about to faLL out of your arms)  

“take her, i need to clean up the milk” yoongi rushes over and takes hwayoung from you and you immediately zip to the kitchen to grab the cleaning supplies

“눈물 뚝... [don’t cry, don’t cry...]” yoongi whispers and bounces her in his arms

she continues blubbering and big fat tears roll down the sides of her face “화영아 울지마... 아빠야.. [hwayoungie, don’t cry... it’s daddy...] no, no! don’t cry, it’s okay!] y/n, what happened??”

“i- it’s fine, everything’s fine, it was an accident,” you breathe out as you come back with a damp cloth “-i was pumping milk and i put her down and i wasn’t paying attention and she was wiggling around a lot and i guess she squirmed all the way to the edge of the couch buT BUT i caught her! i caught her and ended up ripPing the pump off my boob-“ you drop to your knees and start dabbing at the milk

it’s too late

most of it has soaked into the rug and you don’t want the living room to reek of your crusty breast milk when it fully dries

shiT

you should grab the bleach

but this rug was eXPENSIVE

“i’ll go put her to bed, okay? i’ll be right back”

you don’t know if it’s the hormones or the lack of sleep or whatever but suddenly you feel your eyes starting to well up with tears the moment you’re left alone

it’s just

you’re so overwhelmed and so tired

hwayoung hates you

you can’t do anything right

you can’t even put a damn diaper on your baby

you can’t get her to drink from your stupid boob

and not to mention it took you like 20 minutes to figure out how to attach a pump to your boOb

your movements start to slow down significantly when it hits you

you’re an unfit mother

it’s true

you are an unfit mother

“she’s a bit fussy tonight, no?” yoongi jokes as he comes down the stairs

he purses his lips when you don’t reply and continue to scrub fuRIously at the rug “…lemme help-“

“no, it’s okay.” you shake your head quickly and swallow the lump growing in your throat

yoongi kinda stands there awkwardly because he doesn’t know,..,,. what to do.,.,

“okay. uh… do you… want pizza for dinner? cauliflower crust good with you.” he jokes aGain as he loosens his tie

and once again

he’s met with nothing but silence

he feels like this is the calm before the storm

something’s coming

u know what

he’s just going to call the pizza place

he’ll make sure to get extra garlic dip for u

hopefully that’ll cheer you up a bit

you lean back against the couch and look down at the dark patch on the rug

okay well

you got most of the milk out

so everything is fine now

yes

everything is fine

you press your lips together to try and suppress the incoming soB because you know yoongi’s tired and he probably doesn’t want to deal with-  

“i’m a terrible mother!” you burst into tears and immediately reach up to cover your face with your hands and yoongi jumps in surprise

thEre it is

“baby, no! you’re not a terrible mother!!” yoongi’s brows knit together and he drops to the ground right next to you

you immediately launch yourself into yoongi’s arms and bury your face into the crook of his neck

“i just don’t understand why i can’t do anything right like i can’t [hiccup] even change her diaper i don’t know [sob] what the f-front of the diaper looks like and what the back of the diaper [hiccup] looks like and she won’T EVEN drINk from my b-boob so now my boobs huRT [sob] and i know it’s not her fault because it’s always my fault i’m the one who keeps messing up howamisupposedtotakecareofababywhenicanbarelytakecareofmyself-“  

yoongi can barely understand what you’re saying because your words are muffled and you’re blurring them together pluS you’re uncontrollably sobbing but he manages to make out a couple of your sentences

he lets you cry and cry and crY out all your anger and sadness and frustrations for the next ten minutes until you quite literally have no tears left to cry

you sniffle and pull away from yoongi

your eyes are watery and puffy and your nose is red and your lips are swollen “…so how was work?”

“you aren’t a terrible mother.” yoongi deadpans before reaching up to cup your cheeks “how’d you manage to get that silly idea into your head?”

you scoff and reach up to wipe at your eyes “yoongi, i can’t do anything right. you’re nailing this whole being a parent thing and i’m just fucking it up for everyone.”

“no, you’re not! and you’re not alone, you know that! we’re both in this together - last time i checked, hwayoung is half of you and half of me. i have my fuck up moments too! i didn’t tell you this because i didn’t want you to get mad but i accidentally clipped hwayoung’s finger when i was cutting her fingernails and there was a little bit of blood but-“

“you whAT-“

“-not to mention, you have jimin and unfortunately you have jungkook too but the point is you are not alone in this!!! i know things are hard right now because babies are difficult but you are not a terrible mother. you take care of hwayoung-ie so well and you love her so much and i can’t even think of any woman more perfect than you to raise my child. it’ll get better, i promise. but for now, the most important thing you need to know is that you are not a terrible mother.” yoongi holds your face up “look at me and say it.”

your eyes flicker up to him before they look back down at the rug “…u r not a terrible mother”

“y/n, seriously-“

“i am not a terrible mother.” you murmur and reach up to wipe at your puffy eyes

“i would ask you to say it louder but i’m not risking waking the baby up.” yoongi laughs lightly and wipes a stray tear away for you before giving you a sweet lil kiss “you okay?”

“ya i guess so... you still gonna order pizza for us?”

“mhm”

“with extra cheese?”

“yup”

“and stuffed crust?”

“…well now you’re just pushing it buT yes, you deserve stuffed crust.”

:-)

yoongi was right

things got better

“what’s the matter with this film?? it’s about mermaids! i’m sure you’ll grow to like mermaids.” you look over at hwayoung who’s just chilling in her little rocker

since you and yoongi are ~millennial~ parents obviously you guys had to get your baby more modern things

it’s a rocker that rocks itself!!

..or maybe u guys are just lazy lol

hwayoung gurgles and her little arms flail around a bit

“unless you wanna watch basketball or something.” you mutter and switch the channel

you’re sitting on the ground next to her and the both of you are just enjoying each others’ company

once again hwayoung’s pudgy bread roll arms flail around

“what’s the matter, miss fussy?” you coo and pull her out of the rocker gently and proceed to place her on your chest

you lower the volume on the tv because you figure she’d appreciate more silence since she’s tryna go to sleep

“alright alright just gimme a second to get comfortable.” you can’t help but laugh when she lets out the tiniest most adorable yawn

you sit on the couch and lean back a bit and hwayoung burrows her face into the crook of your neck before turning and squishing her cheek against your shoulder

and-

you pause

“…hwayoung?” you whisper and awkwardly crane your neck so you can kINda look at her face

oh my god

she fell asleep

no way

you press your lips together to keep yourself from scREECHING in excitement because she nEVER falls asleep in your arms!!!!!!! EVER

holy shit

ok

oh god

now you can’t move because u don’t want to wake her up

u know what it’s totally fine because the point is hwayoung is sleeping on yOU

“i can do this.” you breathe out as you look up at the ceiling

yeah

you can do this

you’re not a terrible mother

yoongi shuts the door behind him as quietly as he can

the penthouse is eerily quiet tonight and yoongi’s only slightly concerned

he’s tempted to call out for you but he doesn’t want to just in case-

oh

aw

yoongi has to press his lips together to suppress the big fat grin on his face because there you are

there you are

asleep on the couch with an arm hanging off the edge while the other is wrapped around hwayoung

meanwhile hwayoung is sprawled on top of you with her lil cheek smushed against your chest

her little duckie blanket is tossed over her

the two of you are drooling which yoongi finds absolutely endearing

“c’mere...” yoongi scoops hwayoung up from your chest and cradles her in his arms

she stirs in her sleep and her little nose twitches (yoongi wants to melt right then and there because she definitely picked that up from you!!)

he tucks her into bed as slowly as possible so that she doesn’t wake up

of course his head knocks into the mobile hanging above her bed and it jingles a little bit

luckily she’s a deep sleeper

he picks up her little chocolate chip cookie plushie (you named it shooky for some reason which don’t even make any damn sense) and places it right next to her head

and then he just takes a moment to admire her

wow

that’s his little baby

that’s his daughter

he never thought he’d be a dad this young

heck

he didn’t even think he’d be married this young but

u know what

life works in funny ways

and he’s pretty sure he’s the luckiest guy in the world

the floorboards creak under his feet as he makes his way back to you

he bends down and reaches over to move a strand of hair away from your face

“y/n…” yoongi whispers and smiles fondly when you stir in your sleep

there’s that nose twitch

you peel an eye open before reaching over to cup yoongi’s jaw “hey… you’re finally ho-“ suddenly you sit straIGHt up and look down

“i put her in bed a minute ago” you visibly relax and you let out a sigh before lying back down

“she fell asleep on me tonight” you hum happily “i think she likes me”

yoongi snorts and rolls his eyes before getting back up onto his feet “c’mon, you. let’s get you into bed too” you let out a whine and swat lazily at his hand

“i’m too tired to move”

classic

yoongi bends down to pick you up

you wrap your arms around his neck and he wraps your legs around his waist

“c’mon, you big baby.”

he bounces you a little to make sure he has a good grip on you and you hum

this position feels very familiar hEhe

“i thought you were tired” yoongi teases when he feels you begin to plant kisses down his neck as he makes his way up the stairs

“changed my mind” you murmur

one hand wraps around the nape of his neck

meanwhile your other hand wraps around his bicep and you give him a lil squeeze

hoLy moly

“have you been working out?” you pull away from him and yoongi raises his eyebrows

“if by rocking our child to sleep every night for like two hours straight, then yes, i have been working out”

yoongi plops you down on the mattress before settling in between your legs

you wrap your legs around his waist and yoongi can’t help but laugh because he’s trYIng to undo his tie but you keep pawing at him

“what’s gotten into you??” you’ve sat up to unbuckle his belt

you are a woman on a mission

and he’s not complaining

you’re just being vERY speedy

“our baby might start crying at any moment-“

“she sleeps like a log-“

“buT she always starts crying at the most inconvenient time!! it’s like she knows everythING that goes on- christ, you’re really taking your sweet time with- you know what-“ suddenly everything whiRLS and yoongi’s staring up at the ceiling

he blinks twice

what the heck

“now shut up and enjoy the ride.”

god

he really is the luckiest guy in the world

“look, we match!” jimin beams

he has hwayoung cradled in his arms and she’s sucking on her fist while wearing the most adorable teddy jacket

and jimin

jiMIN is wearing an equally as adorable teddy jacket and you’re pretty sure your heart stops beating when he nuzzles his nose into her cheek

they’re both so squishy

she places her hand over his mouth and pinches his plump bottom lip in response and he yelps in pain which then triggers hwayoung to become a giggling mess

“y/n, take a picture!!” jimin hands you his phone and points to you in an attempt to get hwayoung to look at the camera

she keeps staring at him as if she were completely entranced by his beauty which.,.,. is fair

jungkook appears behind you and starts whistling and popping his tongue “정국삼촌보세요!!! [look at uncle jungkook!]”

jimin grins for the camera and squishes his cheek against hwayoung’s as he squeezes her tight

hwayoung squeals in delight when jungkook sticks his tongue out and crosses his eyes and you snap the picture quickly

“got it??” jimin bounces hwayoung up and down while continuing to squish his cheek against hers

you nod and hand his phone back to him expEcting him to give you hwayoung

“i’m taking her for the rest of the day!! i have to show the reSt of the office my baby”

“your baby?? i’m the one who pushed her out of my vagina!” you scoff and jimin puShes past you while baby-talking to hwayoung

“look at you in your little teddy jacket, you cutie! uncle jimin loves spoiling you, yes he does! i’m gonna take you on a shopping spree and you can buy whatever your little heart wants!”  

she babbles back to him and shoves her fist back into her mouth

“화영이 내꺼~야, 삼촌이 더 좋지? [hwayoung is mine~ i’m better, right?]” jimin coos and you watch as he disappears down the hallway

well

you’re probably never going to get your child back now

jungkook didn’t think he’d like hwayoung as much as he does because like

babies are disgusting

and annoying

and loud

and they drool and poop everywhere and they’re just constantly leaking fluids

but bitch

he is W HI P P ED for this baby with a capital wH

“i love tummy time, don’t you?” jungkook sighs and rests his cheek against his fist before looking over at hwayoung

he reaches over to squeeze her bread roll arm

squidge

uWU

“i’m gonna eat ur little bread roll arms yes i am yes i am” he shifts closer and leans down to nip at her elbow and she squawks

you can’t help but snort before returning your attention back to your laptop

you set up hwayoung’s mobile in yoongi’s office and jungkook popped over with your coffee and is supposed to go back to work immediately but here he is lying on the floor with your baby

hwayoung gurgles before letting out a huff and squishing her cheek against the floor

keeping your head up is hard work okAy give her a break

jungkook flips over onto his back and reaches up to whack at the little moon plush that’s hanging from the top of the mobile

hwayoung lets out a muffled whine because her face is currently smooshed against the floor seeing that she cannoT LIFT HER HEAD SOMEONE HELP HER

“알았~어 인제 한번 뒤집어보자? [okay~ how about we flip you over?]” jungkook tilts his head backwards so that he can look at hwayoung but all he sees is the top of her head

he sits up before turning and picking hwayoung up gently and flips her over like a lil pancake

“jungkook, careful” you scowl and jungkook waves you off before reaching down to flick the moon plush

hwayoung reaches up to try and grab it

her chubby fingers brush against the bottom of it and jungkook coos

“you can’t reach the moon because of your sausage fingers, ya loser” he teases and reaches down to boop her nose and she swats at his finger

jungkook is still hooked on this bread roll arm thing (he’ll never get over it for as long as he lives) and pretty soon all that can be heard in the room is him fAWning over hwayoung

“얘는 팔에 식빵 있네! 식빵 사세요!!! [this baby has bread-roll arms! come buy this bread!]” he laughs as he wiggles her plump arm around

yep

caPITAL wH

“and if those papers aren’t on my desk by monday morning 8am you can consider yourself fiREd” yoongi barks before slamming the phone back down onto the receiver “ridiculous! absolutely ridiculous” he scoffs and whips around

hwayoung squawks in the baby carrier and wraps her tiny fingers around yoongi’s pointer finger

“하.. 나진짜! [i mean, seriously!]” yoongi bounces up and down as he continues to ramble on and on “이 사람들은 내 시간 낭비하는게 일인가.. 서류 작성하는게 뭔 어려운 일이라고...??[these people are wasting my time! how hard is it to fill out documents??]”

when the korean comes out that’s when you know yoongi’s suPer pissed

you poke your head through the crack of the door and you’re only a little surprised to see yoongi pacing back and forth ranting angrily while hwayoung lets out the occasional babble

she looks at you like she wants you to save her from this hELL because yoongi’s bouncing her a little bit too aggressively now

she’s got her fingers wrapped around his pointer finger as he goes oN and oN

yoongi looks down at the baby attached to his chest “don’t you think this is ridiculous? i’m probably going to have to start firing people at this rate.”

hwayoung looks up at him and gurgles

“누구 해고하는거 내 마음인데, [i can fire whoever i want] thank you very much.”

“agha”

“얘네 무능하다 [they’re incompetent], that’s why!”

“bajdsl”

hm

this seems like a daddy-daughter moment

you’ll leave them alone for now

“you look like such a dad.” you snort and yoongi glances over at you before returning his attention to the TV

“i am a dad.”

he’s wearing a plaid button-up pyjama top with a t-shirt underneath (because it’s still a lil cold out) and hwayoung is lying on his chest just snoozing away

she’s wearing a matching plaid onesie which is adorable and u know yoongi did it on puRpose

you sit down next to yoongi and peek at hwayoung

her cheek is squished against his chest and you can’t help but poke her little nose

you rest your head on yoongi’s shoulder n he gives the top of your head a kiss

in this moment you can’t help but feel overwhelmingly happy

because you love your husband

and you love your daughter

“…i think hwayoung just pooped.”

…and you love your lil family of three.

[marshmallowgoop]

This is something I should have edited together.

So here it is: (a lot of!) the sweet messages I’ve received in the last month or so that are in direct response to my anonymous hate mail. 

I don’t know how true it is, but I’ve heard it said that humans are remarkably negative creatures, and it takes so many more positive experiences to balance out just one negative experience. And maybe it’s not that universal a thing, but I can say that it sure feels relevant to my own life.

So, I think it’s important to remind myself that, no matter how much it seems like it’s so easy to attack me but so difficult to support me, I’ve actually received far more kind messages than cruel messages throughout this whole mess. And the kind messages are so much more thoughtful, too—and often attached to real names! 

And... I think that says something when I’m as cringey and humiliating as I am. These folks aren’t too ashamed to say that they’re here for me and what I do.

(But that said, I have removed names from anything that wasn’t a reblog or reply because I don’t want to embarrass anyone. Please let me know if you don’t want your words here at all, and I’ll blur them out. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.)

There’s some stuff I want to address under the cut—along with a transcript if anyone is interested in reading these words but has trouble with the screenshots—but more important than any of my ramblings to follow, I want to thank everyone who took the time to write out these supportive sentiments and who continues to support me. I know these meltdowns are a drag, and I know I’ve been a nuisance. Thank you for sticking with me. I aim to be better and live up to what these messages say.

First things first, I want to clarify why I posted the collage of all the hate the other day. I didn’t approach that well, and I’m sorry. I realized too late that it was a bad decision.

Really, that collage was more meant just for me. Maybe it’s sad, but I’ve been actively writing on this site for a good half decade now, and for a lot of that time, I’ve almost craved anon hate. I was disappointed that I never got any. I wondered what the heck I was doing wrong.

After all, I have so many unpopular opinions. I realized that a lot of the community disliked me—or if that’s too strong a word, I knew they didn’t want anything to do with me—because of what I think and how I feel. But they never wanted to voice anything to my face. I wasn’t worth the effort to be attacked. I was nothing. Nobody.

There’s this quote from Tibor Kalman that I think about a lot: “[W]hen you make something no one hates, no one loves it.” If no one hated me enough to hate me right to my face, I thought, then I wasn’t good enough. I was boring. Easily forgotten. Not worth the effort.

So, getting all that anon hate for the first time? God, it hurt. It hurt so bad. Getting everything I’d always feared the community hated about me—as well as things I didn’t even consider them hating about me—right in my inbox? Ow. I cried a lot. I wanted to burn everything I ever wrote a lot. I wanted to quit making stuff for this community a lot. 

What’s the use? I thought—selfishly, of course, keeping in mind all the support up above. Why do I try? It was cruel and unfair, but I kept thinking these things. I kept thinking, What’s the use when nobody wants me here?

But I also thought about the implications of getting all that stuff thrown at me. And I knew it meant one thing: I’m not boring anymore.

There is at least one person out there who frequently checks my blog for more things to rail on me for. There is at least one person going out of their way to write nasty, awful, mean-spirited messages. There is at least one person eagerly waiting for me to respond, to say something, anything, so that they can hurt me and drag me and push me down.

After all these years, to at least one person, I’m worth the effort. No matter how much the messages have stung and destroyed me, I wanted to keep a record of them to remind myself, hey. Someone or someones out there hate(s) me this much for having a different opinion on a cartoon. Maybe that says that my opinions on this cartoon are worth something. 

I mean, they’re worth this level of mocking and ridicule, right?

But... I could have just kept the collage to myself. It’s a personal motivation. Nobody else needs to see these terrible things. That just encourages the cruelty even more. Why did I publicize it?

Well, it’s not too uncommon for Internet content creators to make something out of their hate comments. I like the trend of turning the comments into songs, like here, for example:

At the end of the video, Madilyn Bailey, the artist, says that the purpose of the song is to mock Internet troll culture and make something positive from the negativity.

But I wouldn’t say that that was really my motivation for posting my collage. Call me silly and naive, but I wanted to draw attention to these Internet fandom issues. Everything in that collage is what I was having to deal with... on top of my normal life struggles. 

While all of this was happening, I was tapering off my anxiety and depression medication because I felt it wasn’t as effective as it could be and because I feared it was making me lose my hair—something that I am extremely self-conscious about. I cut my hair short nearly a decade ago, and it’s never grown back to the same length. 

So, needless to say, while all of this was happening, I was horrified about the big clumps of hair lost in the shower. I was dealing with lightheadedness and dizziness from the withdrawal of my meds (which I’m still dealing with, btw), and I was also dealing with stresses at work. My department has changed management within the last year, and there’s been the concern that people will lose their jobs. There’s been the concern that this occupation won’t be enough to support me anymore.

While all of this was happening, I was stressed about my career, about money, about growing older—the beginning of the anon hate assault was just days before my birthday. I couldn’t see my therapist as much as I wanted because there ain’t enough therapists out there for all this world’s issues. 

And while I know that I shouldn’t compare, I also know well that my struggles are nothing compared to the struggles of others. So, how must it feel to deal with all the crap that life just normally throws at you, that’s probably a lot worse for most people than it is for me... and then come home to messages that treat you like a disgusting, horrible, awful human being for your feelings on a cartoon? For work you offer to a community for free and fun? 

For answers to questions that you only answered because you were asked to?!

Well, it felt pretty bad to me.

When I posted my collage, I meant to send a message about how this is not okay. I don’t want to see this kind of behavior, and I’m bothered that I don’t know how normal or common what happened to me is. Is this an everyday occurrence for online content creators? Have I just been shielded all these years because I wasn’t interesting enough?

I hoped that by sharing what I was going through, it’d draw attention to the problem. We shouldn’t be treating our fandom content creators like this. It’s not fair. It’s sick.

Of course, I don’t want to guilt anyone into supporting me. I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t criticize me. I don’t want anyone to feel that, just because I was dealing with a Lot in life, any poor behavior on my part is somehow okay. It isn’t.

The comments that probably hurt me the most in that collage aren’t even the “hate” ones. They’re the ones that express that I messed up. That I hurt them. I can’t say I agree with how these feelings were expressed, but more than any nasty, personally insulting message, those probably hit hardest. I hate the feeling that I’m disappointing my followers. In fact, in taking screenshots for this post, I saw that at least one of the people who had sent me a sweet message has since unfollowed. And that—the sense that I should just stop, that my work really is as horrible as the cruel anons say, that I’m no longer someone they want to support because I’m a disaster and a failure—that... really, really stung.

But as I’ve said before, I can’t blame anyone for leaving me after all this drama. It stinks. It sucks. I messed up. I try to be kind, respectful, considerate, but I’m not perfect, and there are gonna be mistakes along the way. 

So I want to encourage—but only if you’re comfortable doing so, of course—more feedback about how to be better. How could I make my content more appealing? How could I handle these situations in ways that are less awful? Could I improve my post-tagging system? My therapist is helping me, but I’d like to hear from all y’all, too. I want to know how to make stuff that people actually enjoy. Anon hate doesn’t exactly help me make better content, but actual constructive feedback will. That’s what I want to see.

But enough bellyaching. Here are some posts I’m prioritizing right now, and I’d like to know which one folks would want to see most:

✄ “ambiguous” thoughts

✄ Ryuko stronger in episode 14, North Kanto monkey versus Osaka monkey

✄ Episode 6 ending

✄ Ryuko and Senketsu interactions

✄ Ripping out heart

✄ Satsuki’s isolation

✄ Things About: Senketsu, Satsuki, Mako, Tsumugu (maybe more?)

✄ Ryuko’s IF story, episodes 5-8

✄ Ryuko’s IF story, episodes 9-10

✄ Anime Revolution info

It’s a lot, I know ^^; And that’s not even close to all of it. But where should I start? Don’t worry; I intend to finish everything here—especially because a lot of these are old, old requests!—but I’m easily overwhelmed, so an idea of where to begin would be really helpful for me!

tl;dr, I shouldn’t have posted that thing the other day, and maybe this long vomit dump about my intentions doesn’t even come close to making up for it. But I want folks to know that I appreciate their support and would love any feedback about how to better serve the community and live up to these kind messages.

Which, speaking of, here’s a transcript of them:

“As a survivor that's ace I think you're handling the ragyo situation excellently and I'm really enjoying your blog so thank you!”

“Sorry you’re dealing with backlash in regards to your opinions and headcanons on Ragyo, dear! While I can’t really say much on the matter, I think it’s fair that you’re being open with us on how you feel and that you’re entitled to your opinion. Does that mean people will agree with you? No, but that’s okay! Or at the very last, it should be...but people can get heated when certain topics come up and that’s when it Gets Messy”

“There’s no right way to fandom, people jumping in your ask to belittle you are jerks. Tbh the first time I watched Kill La Kill I didn’t consider ryuko and senketsu relationship as romantic but after finding your writing and on subsequent watches I totally see it and like that’s the whole point of fandom right? A group of people who love a thing for varying reasons, I don’t understand this need to be monolithic in fandom. Anyways I love your writing and totally understand your frustrations of late”

“Guys, come on. It’s a work of fiction. People are allowed to like whatever they want to like. You don’t like that? That’s fine! But please, leave Goop alone for stating her mind and expressing how she feels about it. She wouldn’t hark you for your opinion because she’s fully aware of how could make you feel. She’s done nothing but pout her heart out about a series she loves, it’s her passion. If someone did that to YOU, you wouldn’t like it, now would you? (1/2)

“I know it’s not going to magically change overnight and everyone will say their peace to feel validated, but I just feel so bad that you’re getting all of this over things that you’ve previously talked about and STILL have to defend yourself for. Your opinion is yours, Goop, and don’t let ANYONE try to challenge that! (2/2)”

“Please don't be so hard on yourself! I understand why it makes you upset when people send hate and stuff but you shouldn't feel the need to justify every single word you say. I just wanted to let you know that I always adored everything you write and I'm completely on your side in all of this. :) I hope you feel better soon!”

“I think your takes are very good; but more important than everyone agreeing w/ everyone elses readings, I think, is that you are a very good writer of analysis and it would be a shame for you to falter in that because of ppls reactions to your content. anyone who harasses you about having the 'wrong opinions' about fiction needs to learn how analysis of fiction functions & find a better outlet :) you are very talented, Goop, please follow your true north!”

“People get hung up on weird things, like you can disagree with someone and not devolve to personal attacks??? Anyways I enjoy your klk content! I look forward to more analysis of the game!”

“man, i dunno why so many anons gotta be such massive jackasses, you don't deserve it. hell, i don't even ship ryuketsu (I lean towards a more queerplatonic partnership interpretation, and im generally allergic to romantic shipping anyways) and i still deeply appreciate the thought and research and care you put into your meta.”

“ik you don't want asks about this but as a sexual assault survivor you are absolutely valid on how you feel about Ragyo. I skip the bath scene on every rewatch, and I find her atrocious. The fact that people are attacking you for this is dumb.”

“Hey man you’re allowed to talk about who you want on your blog. It’s your shit. People are so entitled nowadays and can’t let people have opinions anymore. You’re not dumb, you’re not trying to be offensive. And it hurts seeing how you’re trying to be courteous and step on eggshells and still getting dragged. Like people are allowed to disagree but there’s no need to be rude to someone trying not to be rude. You’re literally saying an opinion. Everyone else relax, my dude. You’re fine.”

“It’s amazing how all these people can recognize ragyos terrible behavior but insist on having to defend her….”

 “Just wanted to shout over all of this hate and say you have an amazing blog and you shouldn’t let this get you down. Keep doing what you’re doing because it’s legitimately awesome. Anyway that’s all I had to say. Keep being you.”

“Hey Goop. Just always remember that even if we're quieter, there will always be more people supporting you and loving you than people hating you. I really hope you don't let these anons destroy your health in a more permanent way. Keep up the good work!”

“Hello! Just wanted to say that I love your posts and analyses of klk so much! I love seeing how passionate you are about it (bc I am too) and I also ship Ryuketsu SUPER hard! I'm sorry if people are getting you down, but I hope you keep on doing your thing!”

trashcanalienist said: I agree with this so much

tolliver-j-mortaelwyver said: …don’t ever let someone else’s insecurities become part of you. 😉

official-raven-branwen reblogged this from marshmallowgoop and added:

Ya’ll got a problem with Goop, you can fuck outta here with that.

#Lookin at you anon

official-raven-branwen said: Why are people being mean to you??! Goop, please please please don’t ever think that your content isn’t wanted. If people are having an issue, that’s on them. They can fuck right off.

tolliver-j-mortaelwyver said: More Ryuketsu! Indeed!

kuribo4indahouse said: Kill la Kill needs you

csolarstorm said: Hey Goop, I sympathize. It’s never easy to share opinions about topics like this, because everyone has a different story, and they all want their story heard by others. I’ve found that you can’t accomodate everyone’s struggles - you can only speak for yourself. Keep on writing, I love Kill la Kill and Iook forward to reading your work.

official-raven-branwen said: You got this! 

kuribo4indahouse said: Don’t worry, and don’t count out the possibility of becoming bigger over time!

gaylo-thymos said: Hell yea, you’re doing your very best to be out there and that’s what matters. Keep bein you!

darthvandr said: Well regardless of recent events, you’re one of my favorite blogs and I’d be sad if you left. So you just keep on being you!

kuribo4indahouse said:

Who the fuck wrote that lol

Are those even real people writing those messages? Who would be this rude over a TV show?

And then they call you “butthurt”… Any self awareness?

official-raven-branwen replied to your post “You’re so butthurt about this Ragyou thing. Get over yourself. So…”

You are awesome Goop! Don’t listen to those asshat anons. You rock and those anons mean nothing. You keep being you because you are enough!

Not sure why you have such awful anons. You are an awesome person. Please know that you opinions on stuff that you (very obviously) love are perfectly valid, because they are your opinions, on your own freaking blog. And to that anon that sent you that message, listen dude, if you don’t like the content Goop puts out, there’s the unfollow button right there champ.

eldritchgentleman reblogged your photo and added:

Fuck the opinions of others and enjoy what you love! They don’t own you, listening to them doesn’t make you happy so screw them with a pineapple.

simon-newman​​ reblogged your photo and added:

Also Ryuko and Senketsu is a valid ship.

eric-coldfire reblogged your photo and added:

Absolute valid ship, op. Ignore the haters and keep being you.

kuribo4indahouse​​ reblogged your post and added:

Just laugh at these Goop.

badgerjaw​​ replied to your post “goops, you’re starting to stoop to the level of those that are bugging…”

I don’t think this anon knows what patronizing means, nor can they tell the difference between getting a big head and acknowledging the amount you do in this fandom. To each their own, nonny, cheers

badgerjaw replied to your post “You realize some of us don’t have Tumblr accounts, we’re coming over…”

At least the shirt in question can consent; wonder if these nonnies are gonna get on the people who abuse their non-sentient socks?

“I'm sorry. I don't always necessarily agree with the ideas, but I haven't been offended.”

“And I know you're like, you know, a reasonable, nice person. So even if you did say something that came off as offensive, I wouldn't be up in arms about it, you know?”

“Hey Goop, I know this is coming really late but here's what I wanted to say

“You didn't deserve any ounce of that anon hate.

“I'm just absolutely stunned. There was nothing wrong with what you posted. Not then, not now. Because all you were doing was expressing your OWN interpretations. You weren't trying to claim anything as set-in-stone fact

“And... I don't understand. I don't understand why people are SO angry that another person has an opinion they don't share. In the end, what are we talking about here? An anime...

“Don't get me wrong. The topics you discussed were indeed important to talk about, and fiction definitely does influence reality. But the fact of the matter is that, when it comes down to it, your posts were simply you sharing some headcanons about some characters from an anime

“And... when you look at the grand scheme of things, I really do think those anons are really quite pathetic. I mean. Consider what sort of person they have to be so get SO angry over a post like ‘Hey I think Ragyo might be ace’ and say ‘How can you be this STUPID Ragyo is OBVIOUSLY a lesbian and YOUR WHOLE BLOG IS A BAD TAKE’ like really?????

“Actually you didn't even say ‘Ragyo might be ace,’ it was more of a ‘I personally feel like Ragyo is ace’ and?? What's the issue with that?????/

“I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I'm so upset that you're upset cause of those anons and all the hate you got over NOTHING

“Also, don't discount the fact that there are indeed people out there who agree with you. I know you mentioned that you don't think anyone shares the same opinions on Ragyo as you do. But in all my years of following you, I've realized one thing

“You and I... have the same opinions on EVERYTHING????????

“But let me be clear. That's not why I support you. It doesn't matter if we have the same headcanons. 

“Even if I disagreed with everything you said, I'd still support you. Because it's not the headcanons that matter—it's how respectful you are and how you're always trying to better yourself. You always try SO SO SO hard to express yourself in a reasonable and kind way, and you are always trying to be mindful of your wording and considerate of other people's opinions

“It really upsets me to see you apologize so much to people who don't deserve an apology.”

“Hi, Goop. I want to thank you for everything you do on this blog. I started getting into your Kill la Kill content in around 2016. I even keep a copy of your meta book downloaded on my phone to reread every now and then. 

“I think what I like so much about your writing is how in-depth and supported and thoughtful it all is. Kill la Kill is so easy for people to write off as just a flashy, over the top, fanservice show. I think the biggest takeaway from the show is that it truly is a story about friendship and love, and I’m glad that you write so, so much about this. It always gets me all giddy and excited when I see you post something new or when you reblog your old stuff. I first watched the show in 2014, then I rewatched it two more times, knowing that I liked it, but not knowing exactly why. 

“Until I started reading your blog. It’s really thanks to you that Kill la Kill is now my unbeatable, number one favorite anime ever. 

“You put into words so eloquently what I’ve always felt towards Kill la Kill since I first watched it. I want you to know I really appreciate you. Please know you have my support, and I hope you keep doing what you love.”

“First off HAPPY BIRTHDAY~ 

“I just hope that anon finds something more fulfilling than spewing hate and nonsense. Like model trains, or magic tricks. I know my life got a lot more bright when I kept my nose out of people’s business and started focusing on the things I love to do.”

“I'm sorry that you have to deal with these trolls. :/ Some people just like to get a reaction. 

“*would talk more but feels that the conversation is past its expiration* 

“I respect you for expressing your opinion. Lord knows how illegal that is when insecure people get offended.”

“super late at night for me and I should be sleeping but I saw all your responses and how you tried to handle things and just felt really bad. You're in a situation that things just can't be solved with a simple logical response. Like I said sometimes people just have a view and when they disagree they just need to attack others who are part of that disagreement.”

kurouga replied to your post “[[MOR] I already knew people felt this way about me, but I guess…”

You don’t know if it needs you? At times like these I’d say the fandom doesn’t deserve you. It’s always mind-boggling – and yeah, saddening – to recognize how readily people forget how to be civil and begin to hold the meaning they see in fiction as more important than the feelings and experiences of others. Meanwhile you’re classy, humble, patient, and resilient enough to have retained these qualities where so many others… haven’t. Nothing short of inspiring.

I’d say it’s reflective of the cancerous state of fandom environments that it’s so much easier to win support with sweeping, neat and tidy divisiveness – that is, by resorting to discouraging, dismissing, or ridiculing differences in opinion – than it is to garner support as a thoughtful proponent of discussion.

Those who would argue “This fandom would be perfect if only those people who have other opinions/ships would just *stop* already” are those who would rather reign over a wasteland than accept that their views aren’t threatened/invalidated by the existence of differing views. And they almost certainly don’t appreciate the irony in that the perfect victory they envision is one in which what remains of the fandom is all cut from the same cloth. Never stop being you, goop.

“Hey uh saw that you're going through some brutal stuff with a anon. But I wanted you to know you're handling it like a champ and hopefully they'll get on with their life soon!”

“No problem I always look forward to getting notifications for your posts. It's kinda sad that you can't talk about opinions on here without someone getting upset but I hope that doesn't stop you from continuing!”

“You write a lot about things and you're sure to upset someone but at least you're being honest and always try to resolve disagreements realistically. I'm sorry that you're crying and all but I hope you do feel better soon! It's gonna be your birthday after all ✌️”

“I don’t know if I clicked the right button. Sorry. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really, really respect your work and to thank you, because you bring so much happiness to life of me and my other friends. Keep up with your good work and continue to share love for Kill La Kill and for t h e m. *salutes*”

“hey! heard you'd been getting shit lately from people deliberately seeking to misunderstand the work you've put into the KLK fandom over the years (doubt you'd remember me but i'm still [blurred for privacy] on AO3). even though i don't use tumblr anymore on a regular basis, of all the people i met and knew, even tangentially, in this fandom, you've always stuck out to me as one of the loveliest and most dedicated fans and my favorite meta writer, period. please keep it up!”

korra-n-stuff​​ replied to your post “You realize some of us don’t have Tumblr accounts, we’re coming over…”

can these anons please go away? you’re wonderful goop, dont change. These people just has sticks in their asses

fromtheriverbanks​​ replied to your post “Guys, come on. It’s a work of fiction. People are allowed to like…”

I love your analysis. I tend to agree with the stuff about Ryuko and Senketsu and think it’s a big part of what makes the show beautiful. If there were PhDs in Kill la Kill, you would deserve one.

[seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana]

Okay. In the recent Chance fic that I posted I said in my tags about multiple asking for that type of fic. I put it in my tags so idk if people would see them so I’ll make a public post.

These were almost sent in a straight ROW. I’m not necessarily angry about getting the same thing, it’s just the fact that idk if it’s the same person thinking I’ll respond if more people ask for it. It took me a long time to respond to this kind of fic because I suck at writing depression fics. I think I can write angsty fics, but ones that involve actual depression is hard because I don’t suffer it so I don’t know how people act who actually do suffer it. So, I’m just here to address it. These people (or person) are on anonymous so I can’t tag them and I’m just making a public post to say that I DID answer one of the asks about these fics.

I just don’t want repeat asks bc I love seeing things in my ask box, but seeing the same thing gets a bit annoying so yeah. Just addressing it here. You can still ask for GIL in general and I’ll be happy to answer it, but if it involves depression I might not be able to answer it and if I do it’ll be short bc depression fics are my hardest kind and I’d rather write something I can be a little proud of. So yeah just addressing it here that I didn’t ignore you it just took me awhile and I’m asking that you don’t ask for this type of fic again for GIL.

However, you can ask for depression in other kind of MCs and series. I’m just not good at GIL’s MC so that’s it. It seems like I’m going against myself (I kind of am) but I can do depression fics for different MCs but I still suck at it. So GIL I cannot do depression fics about the MC, but other series I probably can but they might not be good and they may take me awhile to answer them. Just putting that out there. So yeah. But also:

I’ve written this as well anon! I wrote it quite awhile ago. Just look under “my writing” or under “Havenfall is for lovers Diego” on the littl magnify thing on my blog so yeah! At least I only got this ask twice.

Theres another one in my ask box about MC in HIFL getting kidnap and yes I am working on it! I’m honestly excited to work on since I forgot about it (I’m sorry forgive me) and it just seems like a nice topic. I can’t remember who the LI was or if there was even a specific LI but yeah I’m working on it I promise!

Thanks for your time about me just saying something about my ask box. Thank you love you all🥺❤️.

EDIT: On the Chance topic again. Do not get me wrong and think that I’m blaming them. They can’t see my ask box and see that that topic has been asked (if it is a different person). I don’t expect them to know so I’m not blaming them. This is just a heads up and stuff about the depression fics and how in the future do not ask for depression fics for Chance and the GIL MC and jist GIL depression fics in general. Okay bye! Unless I come back and add more information.

EDIT 2: I also did answer this ask whoever asked this:

So just again look under “my writing” or “gangsters in love” and you’ll see it there! I love you too!

EDIT 3:

I’ve answered this! Look under “my writing” or “Havenfall is for lovers Diego” and it’ll be somewhere around there. Thanks for asking and love you!❤️.

[iwillgiveyoumyhappiness]

임영민, Lim Youngmin

anonymous asked:

Hi, could I request Lim Youngmin with prompt list 2 #22. Please and thank you! I can’t wait to see what you write for it!

Group: AB6IX

Member: Youngmin

Prompt: “I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice.”

.

.

.

You glanced up from the cash register, keeping an eye out for the cute guy that often shopped at the store you worked at. He came there pretty much every Sunday for groceries and you’d had a few nice conversations. 

Overall, he seemed like a decent guy. He always smiled at you brightly, he never gave you a hard time, and he even helped you with bagging whenever he wasn’t in a rush. 

He’d come with his friends a couple of times, and even they were nice. 

The only thing that annoyed you was that you felt so inferior whenever he walked through those sliding doors. You couldn’t help but feel like he was just being nice to you to be polite, not because he actually liked you. 

There was nothing particularly grand about you. You stood there day-by-day, working for minimum wage in your name-tag and khakis (which had a hole in the left pocket, mind you). You smiled, you waved, you made small-talk, you took money and you calculated change. 

You felt bland, and you were positive that’s what he must’ve seen as well. 

Just a messy pile of mediocre... Bleh. It’s not that you wanted to be hit on by some random guy, but something in your chest was telling you that it might be kind of nice. You couldn’t remember the last time you were called beautiful.

Even if things fell through, at least you could be confident in the fact that, “Hey! At least someone thought I was pretty”. You hadn’t been feeling that recently. You were too lost in your own head, thinking negative, bland things. 

That guy, however... He felt different. 

He had a different presence than you; an aura, if you will. The way he walked and smiled and spoke all made him feel untouchable to you. Almost intimidating, to be honest.

You laughed at yourself. “Intimidated by kindness,” you huffed. “That’s rich.” 

You went through your day as normal, customers flying past in a blur of polite chatter, credit cards, milk cartons and eggs. It was around 5PM that you felt a familiar shift in the atmosphere. 

Your gaze lifted from the book you’d brought with you. You read it from time to time whenever things were slow-going. You leaned a little over the register, just trying to catch a glimpse of him. 

You knew he had to be there. 

“What’re you doing?” you heard someone chuckle. 

You gasped and jumped, almost losing your grip on the counter. You quickly got a hold of yourself, but not without a ceaselessly panicked look in your eyes. 

You spun around, coming face-to-face with just the person you were looking out for. 

Lim Youngmin. 

He was wearing an over-sized gray hoodie that swallowed him whole, even with his long features. His hair was a little messy, but it was masked by the baseball cap on his head. He had an eyebrow arched in amusement. 

Maybe it was just because of the shock of having him directly in front of your face so suddenly, but it was the first time you’d noticed how tan he’d gotten. 

It was pretty. 

You cleared your throat and rubbed the back of your neck. “Oh, you know...” You tried to think of a good excuse. “Stretching,” you settled on lamely. 

He fought back a smile. “Stretching?” he echoed. 

You nodded unconvincingly. “Yes?” You hadn’t meant for it to sound so much like a question, but there was no fixing it now. 

He chuckled. “Is that right?” It was clearly rhetorical. He leaned against the counter, resting his chin on his palm. He looked up at you with a hidden sparkle in his eyes. “Can I ask you something?” 

You shifted under his gaze. “Sure,” you said. “Anything you want.” 

“Can I flirt with you a little bit?” he asked. 

If you’d had water in your mouth, you would’ve choked on it, but alas; you only had saliva. 

So, you choked on that instead. 

Youngmin reacted immediately, running around the counter and rubbing your back to soothe the hacking fit. He laughed under his breath. “Is the thought that repulsive?” he asked. 

You sucked in the last of your coughs, your eyes widening. “It’s not bad at all!” you assured him. Unwittingly, you had whipped around and grabbed his hands which had started pulling away from your back. “I just don’t see why’d you’d wanna flirt...” you trailed off. “With me.” 

He looked down at your hands, cheeks a little flushed with giddy pink. “Well,” he started, looking down at floor with a shy smile on his lips, “I guess you haven’t noticed, then.” 

You furrowed your brows. “Noticed what?”

He looked up, meeting your eyes. He looked excited, yet nervous. “I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice,” he said. 

You froze, your eyes widening. “That... No, you misunderstand,” you stuttered lamely. “That’s just ‘cause—”

“But I guess you haven’t seen the way I look at you,” Youngmin interrupted. 

You tilted your head. Maybe your brain was malfunctioning, because you obviously didn’t hear that correctly. “I’m sorry,” you began. “Come again?”

He squeezed your hands. That was the first time you realized that you’d grabbed his hands, and it sent your mind into a frenzy. “I’ve been looking at you in a, ‘Dang, she’s kinda cute’ type of way,” he said in a bashful way. “And, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think you’ve been looking at me in a, ‘Dang, he’s kinda cute’ type of way.” 

You gently pulled you hands away, shuffling away from him by a few inches. “You’re not wrong,” you said, pulling at the hem of your shirt, “but you also intimidate me a lot, so...” you trailed off. 

He seemed shocked for a moment, but then he smiled. “Well then, we should get to know each other better,” he said. You looked up at him with an arched brow. “I wouldn’t feel good if a hardworking employee such as yourself was put through a hard time because of me.” 

You chuckled a little. “Really? That’s what you’re going for?”

He nodded confidently. “Yes, it is,” he said proudly. “And it’s what I’ll stick with.” He sighed, but he was still smiling. “Nothing has to come of it if you don’t want it to, but...” He shrugged cutely. “It’d be nice.” He gave you a thumbs up as he started walking away. “No pressure!” he called.

You shook your head in comic disbelief. “Where are you going?” you called after him. 

“Home!” he replied, waving as he got to the sliding doors. “I just stopped by to say that!” The doors closed on him, cutting off his words. With an eye-roll, he swung his arm around until it reopened. “I’ll catch you next time, okay? We’ll see how we feel then.” 

You started to answer, but the door closed again. You decided to just laugh instead, but you definitely would think about how you felt about Lim Youngmin—the man that inspired and frightened you in equal turn.

Maybe something could come of it.

.

.

.

Mkay. That was soft. 

Thanks for the request, Anon! I had a lot of fun, and I hope you stop by again. 

Have a good day/afternoon/evening/night!

[anarchist-billy]

For some reason the message fucking disappeared from my asks, but an anon sent this like two weeks ago and I’m trash so I’m just now getting around to answering it -

Anonymous:

I have this headcanon about Steve having scars. They're not bad! He just fell and all that normal kid stuff but sometime his parents (or a nanny or like any adult) weren't there to look after the cut so it'd end up scarring (even the little ones) And like even sadder Billy could have the wrong idea about them (considering his childhood) and Steve's trying to explain he was just a klutz when he was a kid...I think about this a lot

First of all - I’m sorry it took me so long to respond to this. I got inspired to write a little something and then kind of fell into a blackhole. So I hope you see this!

Second - I LOVE THIS HEADCANON (and I may just use aspects of it in my WIP cause it definitely fits into that canon). I’m always a hoe for neglected bby Steve, cause I’m angsty garbage. I’m probably also projecting a bit, but that’s besides the point

Also - here’s the thing I wrote:

Billy’s finger is tracing a line up Steve’s bare side, leaving goosebumps in its wake, as they lie facing each other on a blanket in Steve’s backyard. It’s one of those warm, muggy summer days, the kind where every time you breathe in it feels a bit like breathing underwater and the air leaves your skin sticky with sweat. Steve’s parents are gone for the weekend, and Billy had been waiting outside in his Camaro when they left this morning, excited to get some well-deserved alone time with Steve.

Steve is a fucking tease, though, insisting they take a leisurely swim before they do anything else. Billy couldn’t let him get away with that, so he’d cornered him as soon as they were in the water, crowding him up against the wall and kissing him long and hard until Steve was whining into his mouth and grinding against his thigh.

“Billy…not…” Steve had said between breaths. “We can’t do this in the pool…” So they compromised. Steve sat on the edge of the pool, Billy bracketed between his knees, and Billy sucked him off right there, swallowing every drop as Steve came down the back of his throat; to keep it from getting in the pool, of course.

Now they’re lying on a blanket in the grass, and Billy’s feeling loose limbed and sated after Steve got him off with his own mouth, hands roaming freely along Steve’s soft skin. It’s not often he gets to just lie here beside Steve and admire the finer details of him; the dark freckles and moles that litter his pale skin, so pale that he can see his veins mapped out in blue just beneath the surface. There are numerous little scars decorating his limbs, too, along with a few larger ones. One on his left hip, another on his left knee, and one on his right ribcage. It’s not the first time he’s noticed them, but it’s the first time he’s let his mind wander into dark, familiar territory; wondering where the scars came from. He’s got a few scars of his own. Each one with its own story about a time he talked back to his old man, or did something he wasn’t supposed to, or Neil just found himself on the wrong side of the whiskey bottle and went looking for a fight in Billy’s room.

“Hey,” Steve says, tone so much softer than usual, and Billy looks up to meet the concerned look on his face. He realizes then that he’s been chewing on his bottom lip agitatedly, his thumb pressed into the shiny, pale scar on Steve’s hip, glaring at it.

“What are you thinking?” Steve asks after a beat, eyes searching Billy’s face for some kind of clue and Billy feels nervous all the sudden. Steve knows about his dad, at least…to some degree. But he still doesn’t really like to talk about it.

“Where’d this come from?” He chokes out, pressing on the scar a little harder, hating how strained his own voice sounds. Steve follows his gaze to the scar on his hip and shrugs.

“Fell out of a tree when I was eight.” He answers and something eases in Billy’s chest. He nods, then trails his hand down to the scar on Steve’s knee.

“And this?” He asks, tracing the triangle of raised skin.

“Fell off the monkey bars.” Steve laughs, a sound Billy could never get sick of. He nods again and reaches up to touch the scar on Steve’s ribcage.

“And this?” He asks.

“Hit a mailbox, trying to learn how to ride my bike.” Steve says.

“Didn’t realize you were such a clumsy kid,” Billy teases, grinning as Steve blushes with embarrassment.

“Well, it was the first time I ever tried riding a bike without the training wheels.” He explains, a bit defensive. “Tommy was supposed to hang on but he let go at the last minute and I just went sailing into the neighbor’s mailbox. They were so pissed about it, too, cause I broke off the little flag thing.”

“Tommy taught you how to ride a bike?” Billy raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I mean…” Steve stops for a second, eyes falling away from Billy’s face as he frowns. “My parents got me this really nice bike for Christmas, but I didn’t know how to ride it, and Tommy’d been riding his bike for a year.”

“Your dad didn’t teach you?” Billy asks, genuinely surprised. Neil was a shit father, but even he taught Billy how to ride a bike.

“No.” Steve shakes his head, frown deepening and Billy feels his heart break for him. They haven’t been together all that long, and he feels like every day he’s learning new things about Steve. For the most part it’s exciting, but the deeper he gets into learning him, the more he sees just how much hurt he carries with him. He’d spent so much time thinking Steve was just another rich kid who had the world handed to him on a silver platter when he came out of the womb, but that just isn’t true, is it?

Turns out they have more in common than he ever would have believed. He leans forward, pressing his lips against Steve’s scar, and Steve shivers at the contact.

“It’s his loss.” Billy says as he pulls back and looks up at Steve, who’s watching him with a question in his eyes. “One of these days he’s going to realize that he threw away the chance to know one of the best people in the world, and I feel sorry for him.” Steve lets out a shaky, wet breath, eyes rimmed with tears, and leans down to capture Billy’s lips in a kiss. Billy happily lets Steve lick into his mouth, lets him take all that he wants from the kiss, and then pulls back just long enough to push Steve onto his back. He climbs on top of him, stretching out so that the length of his body fits over Steve’s, and then kisses him again.

“Thank you.” Steve whispers between kisses and Billy just kisses him that much deeper. He wants to say “I love you”, because he feels it all the way down to the marrow of his bones, but he’s not ready for something so huge. Not yet. So he kisses Steve instead and hopes that for now, it will be enough to convey all the things he’s not ready to say.

[whispersandwhiskerburn]

Angel, the Writer: An Interview

This is a post about my writing preferences and habits (my name is Angel, it’s not a show-based pseudonym). 

Why? Because my bestie tagged me in her version. And I love @waywardjoy​ bunches and bunches.

And since I’m a wordy bitch, I’m going to add a read more after the second question.

1. What inspires your work most? (The show it is based on, the actor who portrays a certain character, maybe the character itself? It could even be an experience.)

Can I say all of the above? The complexity of Dean Winchester’s character and my habit of (and training as an English teacher wouldn’t let me stop) analyzing his character led to writing about him, and he wouldn’t have any appeal hardly if he weren’t brought to life by the gorgeous and talented Jensen Ackles. The variety of the show, the ever-changing plot lines, villains, characters, etc., means that even though I’ve always been a loyal-to-canon girl, I never run out of ideas to write about. And then, most importantly, there’s the experience of writing on tumblr--the amazing feedback I’ve gotten from the readers and writers of fanfic on tumblr has been humbling, intoxicating, and it inspires me as a writer more than they probably realize. I do it for you all... and because every time I get a compliment it makes my day. :)

2. What is your favorite fandom to write for?

Supernatural. *See above answer.

3. Which point of view* do you prefer writing in? (First-person, third-person) *I changed perspective to point of view, because I’m an English teacher, and I care that this kind of thing is correct. :P Perspective is who is telling the story. Point of view is the narration style used. Message me if you want to understand this in better detail.

When it comes to fanfiction, I write almost exclusively reader-insert. In that format, I prefer reader’s perspective and 2nd person point of view: “you hugged Dean close to you, as tightly as you could, worried about what would happen if you let go of him.” In that format, I use “Y/N” only during dialogue. When I’m doing the story from Dean’s perspective, I usually do third person limited and use Y/N a lot more. I have experimented with all of them.

In my non fanfic writing, I prefer alternating third person limited. (I know the thoughts of one character at a time, and I switch between characters in different chapters.)

4. Do you prefer writing reader fics or OCs?

Before fanfic, the idea of writing reader insert had never occured to me, so for more that a decade and a half of writing actual stories, I only had OCs. I LOVE the freedom of writing reader-insert, and my audience seems to prefer it. :)

5. Do you prefer writing longer works or one shots?

Almost everything I’ve written for tumblr has been one shots simply for time purposes--both times I’ve done a series (at the 1/3 mark of one right now) it takes me forever to finish it. 

I like longer stories; as I mentioned earlier in this post, I’m a wordy bitch, and I live for character analysis. Longer fics allow you to do that. But one shots are more realistic with my adult life being so busy and wanting to post more frequently than once per three months.

It’s also easier to write a smut fic (which most of mine are) if you know you can conclude it after the orgasm without worrying about the morning after awkwardness--probably the same reason my usual spn character Dean likes one night stands. 

6. Do you take requests?

Not anonymously. If it’s a friend asking for me to write something, I’ll add it to my to-write list. Sometimes I do a request type celebration when I hit a new follower count goal, and new followers with whom I’m not friends yet can certainly join in then...or just get to know me. I think I’m pretty friendly, and the message box is always open. If you like SPN and/or my fics, then we already have a topic to talk about, so let’s chat!

7. Do you enjoy getting random Asks?

Yes, with one exception--the tag others things. Most of them are sweet: “You’re one of my favorite bloggers and you bring sunshine to others. Don’t let this stop with you! Copy paste this message into the asks of 5 of your favorite blogs!” 

Those bug me. I delete them immediately.

I don’t like being told I’m kind/beautiful/smart etc. if the only reason I’m being told is because the person who sent it was passing on a chain message. If you value your followers, think of a nice message of your own, preferably a personal one to either yourself or to your intended recipient, and go put it in their asks.

I LOVE THOSE SO MUCH!!

And they do exist. I can point out several I have received, and I have a policy where I go send between 5-10 to different followers with genuine individual-related compliments and love when I see a bit of anon hate reblogged. It’s my way of spreading some positivity.

Random asks about me I’ll answer depending on how personal they are. I have to keep my anonymity on here because of my real-world job. Random asks about my writing I will always answer.

The ask box is open.

8. What inspires the names for OCs (or extra character names) in your works? Do you pick them from real life or just select them at random? A mix?

Nothing is really random in my fics--writing, analyzing writing, reading, etc. that’s my legitimate career, and that carries over to my fic writing. 

I am a HUGE canon nerd. My supporting characters are usually characters from the show, whom I try to bring to life accurately. Even my AU series is only peopled by characters from the show and my reader. 

I usually give a little bit of backstory and characterization to my reader persona, so I guess they are partial OCs, and those are tailored to fit the individual fic (an antiques dealer in a cursed object case, a rodeo arena manager on a case where I wanted a cowboy!Dean fantasy, etc.) with a bit of personal flair thrown in--an accent, a habit of mine, a favorite music, etc. 

My only real major character OC I’ve ever done was an invented archangel named Sariel, and I got his name from researching angels and archangels online--it hadn’t been used on SPN, but he had an interesting biblical history that I could mold to my purpose for his motivation in the plot of my first series. I gave him an entire backstory drabble where he actually tells the reader his history and plans. His tone and voice were meant to help characterize him.

9. If your story(ies) have OCs, are their appearances based on real people or celebrities? If so, who?

Oops, I think I answered this in the last question.

10. How long have you been writing fanfiction?

I posted my first full one shot on this Tumblr account on March 13, 2016. I think I’ve been writing fan fiction for a lot longer than that though; I can remember as a child trying to write my own story with kids who could shape-shift into animals (thank you K.A. Applegate and the Animorphs series). I definitely tried my hand at a Nancy Drew-esque story in my preteen years. As a young teenager I plotted out an entire fantasy series that was in large part original, but also took a lot of inspiration from my reading of the Lord of the Rings. From late teens through college it was sometimes-paranormal series romances (like the paperbacks I read constantly, and even Twilight when I eventually caved in and read it my senior year of college). 

I’ve always been inspired by the fandoms and works that I obsessively read and analyze, and they show up in my writing. Legitimate fanfiction though, where I use the characters and work of another writer and put my own spin on it? That didn’t happen until I made my first tumblr account. Fanfiction sucked me in and intrigued me in early 2015, but I didn’t write any. Then I discovered the smut fics with Spn after I started watching the show in 2015. I wrote a few 100-300 word blurbs for fun on my old account before I decided to write a smutty one...which required the creation of a new account for privacy reasons with my career.

Hello whispersandwhiskerburn. :)

Sorry if you read all of that--I told you I’m a wordy bitch. I’m not going to tag anyone, but if you’d like to share your own answers to these questions, feel free to grab them, create your own post, and do so! I’m sure your readers would love a peek into your writing brain. :)

[scriptlgbt]

Cleaning up

Hi! Mod Scix here! We’re trying to cut our way through the inbox, and I’ve compiled a few similar asks. This post will be a lot of ask and very short answer. Please understand this isn’t me being rude, I’m just trying to be efficient so we can get less behind. (hee hee, “behind”)

The first category of questions are errors:

Anonymous said:

(nb 2/3) They’re feminine, but choose against HRT/surgeries (maybe later?) bc they’re on PREP and the combination might lead to lower bone density (they’re a MedSchool stdt, they’d know). And they’re on Prep bc their boyfriend, the protag, is Poz, but their relationship isn’t healthy (constant arguing and protag trying to decide NB-char’s career for them). But NB-char puts up with it for years. Partly for love, partly bc protag accepts their gender, and they think they won’t ever have that again

Anonymous said:

Clarifying a few things about my ask (I'm the anon with the love triangle): 1. Gender/sexuality is of minimum importance in this story. Tough to explain, but the MC doesn't really have a concept of those issues? She's afab but agender for all intents and purposes. 2. The relationship between the two men is way healthier/happier than that between the MC and her ex. 3. There's no animosity between the MC and her ex's current partner.

Sorry, the rest of your questions are missing. If it's still a relevant question, please resend.

The next set I call research:

@teal0cean said:

Hello!! Love you guys! I wanted to ask if you know about the history of HRT for trans males. As in. What was or wasnt available or how the process of transitioning was during some historical period or other (im interested in early 20th Century!)

@yevie said:

Do you have any information on what sorts of resources/information would be available for a (lower-middle class, 20 year old nursing student in a metropolitan area) trans man in 1995? [Resources in terms of both social transitioning, especially in his academic and work setting and also resources in the whole LGBT community aspect and having access to the language to describe his experiences.] (He's also gay and ace, if that's relevant.)

Anonymous said:

I heard theres discourse about the terms FTM/MTF/etc. whats that about??

Anonymous said:

So I've always wondered about this, but I don't to seem like I'm insulting anybody. :( I just really want to know how it works... but I'm to scared to ask so I'm going to drop it here, because I think you will understand! :) (1/2)

You see, If a female decides to do the transision to male. How will she get the male genitalia and loose the female one? I really want to know. Does it hurt? (2/2)

Anonymous said:

How and when do people realize they might be homosexual?

Anonymous said:

Can you think of any really good ideas for a short LGBTQ film? Thank you!

Anonymous said:

Do you know where I could read a bit more about lgbtq+ stereotypes so that I don't do it myself?

Anonymous said:

What is bi/tri/polygender

Anonymous said:

I am making a documentary so i need a good script on it in hindi, would you be able to provide it?

So these are all research questions. Not actually what we are here for, though we do sometimes dive in. The first couple may be tougher to find using google, but the rest are pretty easy to dig up. Or else need to be reworded to narrow the focus. And sometimes the questions we get have built-in assumptions that kinda make it impossible to answer fairly.

Like the assumption that we write Hindi.

If anyone wants to answer these, please be civil.

The next section is the quick answer:

Anonymous said:

Do any trans men choose not to take hormones, even if they're available to the person? I know this answer would really vary from person to person, but I'm thinking of writing a trans man who doesn't want to take hormones, and I'm not sure if that would be considered unusual or not really understanding of the desires most transgender people have.

@pan-at-thedisco said:

Is it plausible for a trans boy who can definitely afford transition surgery to choose not to? Is this something that happens often?

Yeah, transfolk sometimes choose not to get surgery or take hormones. Don’t worry about “often,” it’s fiction.

Anonymous said:

Hello there, I have this male character that I wrote a long time ago and only recently have I been seeing him as bi, now he has crushes on guys but he still ends up with a girl. I can't help but feel like I "cheated" in a way by making a bi character have a hetero relationship but I don't want to change his relationship. I just want to hear your opinion about this.

It's not a hetero relationship, because he is in it. Just don't write it that the new relationship is fixing him, or more real, or anything like that.

Anonymous said:

I want to ask about usage of the word "queer" not in reference to a person or their gender/sexual orientation. Its original meaning meant "strange." It later became a slur, and has now been reclaimed by some in the community. I'm wondering if it's still okay to use it in its original meaning (i.e. "In front of him was the queerest fog he'd ever seen.") or has the evolution of the word has made that no longer acceptable, even if you're writing period/a specific atmosphere?

Go for it! Just be aware it sounds kind of old-fashioned.

Anonymous said:

hi! do you think it would be considered ok for a nonbinary character in a historical setting to use their language's equivalent of "it/its" pronouns? i'm cis and i'm worried people will take it the wrong way, but the character just wants to be convenient as their language only has one set of gender-neutral pronouns and it's for inanimate objects

No. If it's a fictional language, then it can have a gender-unspecified pronoun that doesn't only refer to objects.

@dreamwishing said:

I have a rather odd question. Odd enough that I'm not sure where to ask. This may not be the right place, and if it's not, maybe you could point me in a direction? That would be great. Everyone asks how to avoid stereotyping lgbtq+ people, but...how do I avoid stereotyping homophobes and the like?

...make them rounded, complete characters with more than one thing in their life.

Anonymous said:

I have a villainous character who is a combination/amalgamation of various people of different genders/sexualities, and they don't have a gender. I'm planning to refer to the character with they/them pronouns, and it just doesn't feel right to give them a gender. But since they're a bad guy, would it be... what's the word... transphobic (I guess? you know what i mean) to portray them as agender? I have other agender characters, if that makes a difference. (It's fantasy btw)

Having other agender characters -- well-represented -- solves the issue for you just fine. Also, make the villain interesting. I love a good villain. 

Anonymous said:

Will the mod/s be monitoring the comments at all? I've seen quite a few hateful replies and reblogs toward nonbinary and demisexual people. I would love to keep following, but it sucks having to be subjected to people invalidating my gender and sexuality in the comments.

There is nothing we can do about comments. "Never read the comments" is often a good idea. Alternately, block the blogs that are evil, and you'll soon find it was the same few all along. Anything really terrible, let us know so we can block them ourselves, and let our readers know.

That was a lot of work. I know it doesn’t look like much, but it took me a few hours and I’m wiped. Some kinds of work are more labor than they appear, and this is that kind of labor.

Still and all: love you all! Just not that way. 

~~Mod Scix