#sorry i haven't been as active lately i've been feeling so tired all the time :3 im working on it!! mwa <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[pxltown]

; don't want love, i want-

[wishmkr-jirachi]

...

[tan1shere]

Heyyyyyyy could YOU please PLEASE do one where Billie tells the reader how to touch herself, while Billie is on tour?!!?

Call Me

Billie Eilish x female reader !

A/n: coming righttttt up, hope you like it 😊

Warnings: smut, phone sex ?? Masterbating - think thats it !

Masterlist

It was lonely here all alone. Finding little jobs and activities to do to fill in time. Whenever you weren't working, yourself. Your girlfriend, Billie was currently on her HMHAS tour. And you haven't seen her in days. Truth be told you missed her like crazy. Her presence. Her voice. Her touch..

Which led to the next feeling you missed. Ovulation was no joke. And you were currently facing the feral-ness of it. Even more so that she isn't here. You had been frustrated all day. And you only now realize why. You needed to touch yourself, you had to relieve this pent up tension. So as the night comes along you get into your warm, comfortable bed. Checking the time. Billie usually calls around this time.

You figure shes sleeping, she had been extra tired lately. You go to slide your hand down into your shorts, about to touch yourself. When you do, but stopping. Things aren't the same. You wanted her touch. You try to continue but nothing was feeling good right now. That caused more frustration to bubble inside you. Deciding to just sleep it away. And hope tomorrow was normal.

Next day rolls around and you still have the same feeling. Frustration and horniness. Not a great combination, the day felt longer because of it. It was a bit earlier when you got home, but thankfully Billie didn't have a show today. So she was hopefully going to answer when you call. You couldn't take it anymore you needed her help. And you needed it desperately.

You go to lay on the bed, grabbing your phone and dialing her number. She answers in seconds, causing you to grow nervous. In all the years of being with her, phone sex was the one thing you've yet to do. So ofcourse you were nervous. Would she even help you, would this be odd? "Hi baby." You hear her say, cheerfully. You smile to yourself. "Hello!" You try your hardest to not jump into things, going to try give her some hints.

"How was your day?" She then asks. You sigh, ever so lightly. "A little frustrating, good to be home though. How about yours?" - "Mine was pretty boring I've just been preparing for tomorrow's show and chilling. Why was yours frustrating my love?" You think for a moment. "Just some work and other little things, some of which I just can't fix by myself.." - "I'm sorry, anything I can do to help at all?" Yes. Phone fuck me. Was all you wanted to say but you had to play things cool. Even if your body was heating up at the thought of this happening.

"Not that I can think of, just wanted to hear your voice I missed you." She smiles to herself. "I miss you too babe." There was a small pause, you were contemplating on how you'd do this. When a small idea pops into your head. You missed her voice so much, and it sounds like you had just woke her up from a nap. Her voice was slightly raspy, a bit of her tiredness peeking through.

"Did anything else happen today?" You then ask, getting comfortable on the bed. Moving your hands just above the waistband of your underwear. You had decided to get straight into your sleepwear, just a loose night gown. Wanting to feel good as all you've been wearing lately are big t-shirts to bed. You wanted to feel hot, make this moment more sensual. "Not too much if im honest, just got my outfit for tomorrow, did some other things. Just boring stuff really." You hum in reply, moving your hand in your underwear as she speaks.

Was this wrong? It felt a little like that. Your face heats up what're you even doing. But you get pulled from your thoughts when you hear your name. "Hello? Y/n, baby. You still there?" The name made you bite your lip. "Y-yeah sorry." She chuckles. "You didn't answer my question love." "Oh, oops. What was it?" She smiles to herself again, finding you cute. Except what you were doing was far from cute and downright filthy. "I asked you how shark had been, he's behaving right?" Your hand moves lower, trying to stay focused on the conversation and her voice. "Y-yeah he's been good." You let out a quiet sigh but she hears it. "Everything ok?"

You get nervous again, how were you even going to manage this. "I'm fine.." You needed her to keep talking, and thankfully she does. "Ok, Im sure if it's anything youre just tired. I was going to talk to you about when I get back, we have a dinner with Finn on the Friday. Just thought I'd remind you incase you forgot." Your finger had been in you, slowly moving the whole time she was talking. And when you don't reply she gets more confused. "Baby, what're you doing you seem distracted." You holt your movements, trying to think of an excuse but why? You wanted to call her and ask.

Ask her to talk to you, help you. So why were you so damn nervous. "Talk to me baby." God sake her voice was so hot even when she wasn't intentionally trying. You bite your lip again trying to stop any noise that was about to escape. Mustering up some sort of strength to reply. "I'm f-fine." Was all you managed to respond with. Billie sits there in thought, when she hears another sigh. Was she catching on? She needed to be sure. "I miss you, so. So much." She was playing with fire. You don't respond again, having your eyes shut as you try to give yourself pleasure.

When it's not working you let out another sigh followed by a tiny whine. She hears that loud and clear, smirking to herself. She knew good and well what you were doing. "Can't wait to see you in a few days, get to kiss you. Hold you. Touch.. you." She chose her words evily. But she didn't stop there. A breath was to be heard. Followed by a frustrated sigh. "Let me help, baby. You sound annoyed." Another small whine left you, at the fact she was right and just overall the way she was speaking to you.

Your brows knit together, giving in and letting her. She knows now, there's no point in staying silent. "It's no good, I miss you. Your hands." She coos. "I know baby, I know. I'm just so good at touching my girl huh?" Your head rests back. "So good." You breath into the speaker. "Your fingers still inside?" You reply with a hum. "Move em." So you do just that, slowly at first. "Move your thumb, touch your clit for me." You do that, touching it then moving your thumb in a circle motion.

Everything was so still and quiet she could hear your wetness and God it was driving her nuts, she wanted to be there. To see it, to feel it. "That's it." She says encouragingly, hearing your noises as you speed up on both tactics. She could just imagine it, you touching yourself just to her speaking. "Was baby doing this the whole time I was talking?" She then says. Your cheeks grow red with heat. "I- uhm." She lets out an evil chuckle, sending tingles straight to your pussy. It was such a hot chuckle. But then again, anything she did right now was 10x hotter. "You're such a filthy girl huh?" You bite your lip yet again.

Feeling more pleasure than you had been. "Please keep talking please." You begged. Voice so needy. "Plunge deeper for me, know you can. Imagine my fingers. How deep they go. Imagine your thumb is my tongue as I swirl it around your throbbing clit." Your back arches at the thought, you needed it more than anything. "Need you so bad." A louder moan was to be heard. The fact this woman is just talking to you and you almost coat the sheets in your nectar. She felt all the power in this moment. "Go faster for me - that's a good girl." She finishes as she hears the squelching increase. Your breaths and moans mingle into one as you get closer.

"Mmm, fuck I'm so so close. Please." She laughs yet again. "So cute, still asking to cum even when I'm miles away. So incredibly good, aren't you?" Your head lulls back into the pillows again, feeling the knot almost snap. "Fuck, Billie." - "Faster baby, rub your clit. Wanna hear you squirt." Just those words alone send both of those sensations out of you, having you leak and squirt all at once. Your breath being uneven as your eyes roll back. "Good, girl. That's what I like to hear."

[ghostgirl-22]

I haven't been active in the tumblr fanfic scene since I was writing hard kink kpop x reader at 18, but by golly. Challengers Fandom...hats off from an old, tired queer (22)

Anyway, I've been an onlooker for some time and I love your account; it gives me a lot to think about on the commute to work. Love your characterization of all of our beloved trio and then some.

But now I propose a more lived in kinky bunch. I've worked a few BDSM raves in my time, and I saw this trio of guys once with the pup in his mask.

He was so sweet and nuzzly. (Loved giving messy head and being called a dumb boy) Just reminded me so much of Art. He was a large man in general, but he made himself so small for play.

Wait… i just woke up and wrote this long ass story and then realized after all that…that sadly…I don’t think I can really write bdsm. Oh well… sorry anon this is as good as it gets. Here’s Tashi kinda being in charge of everything and Art as a bratty messy sub with Patrick switching in the middle. I got bored rereading (glowing recommendation I know) so if you see typos/issues lemme know and I’ll fix them 😭

CW: 18+ NSFW EXPLICIT, sex club, public sex, exhibitionism, group sex, blindfolds, safe sex

____

They don’t have to go out but since Lily is at grandma and grandpa Donaldson’s all week and sometimes they like to play with other people. Or let Art play with other people. They decide to go to the club. It was Tashi’s idea. They’re so grown up now, they go to sex clubs. They have a safe word and everything. Cinnamon. Patrick’s amused by how quickly it all happened. It still doesn’t actually feel real. Just a year ago he was in an on again off again relationship with less than 100 dollars in his account on his best days. And he was bumming it on his sisters sofa when he wasn’t on the road. And look at him now. He has a boyfriend, a girlfriend and a safe word.

He looks around, it’s loud and hot and sweaty despite the below zero temperatures outside. The coldest day of the year. The first floor is all dancing, drinks, and house music. No sex. It’s so upscale you wouldn’t know what went on downstairs if you were an outsider. It’s pricey, extremely private and so exclusive there’s a waitlist to get in. A medical check, a background check, even. Patrick almost didn’t get in because of his credit score. But being the Donaldson’s pet which is what the manager called him, made all the difference. Even after all of that, they have to check everything, even their phones. It’s a shame, because sometimes Patrick does want to film it… not to sell to the highest bidder but just to watch when he’s home alone and horny.

Tashi wraps her arms around his waist. She feels so warm, the fabric of her dress so slippery, Patrick can’t help but let his hands slide down her back to rest on her ass. “Are you looking at other girls?” She asks in his ear.

”Are you kidding?” Patrick smirks. “I’m just looking at your husband.” She follows his gaze to Art. Art, who said ten minutes ago that if they were gonna do this again he needed a drink. He’s standing by the bar, in this mesh shirt Tashi no doubt bought for him and fitted pants. Already there’s a tall guy leaning in next to him, reaching up to touch mess up his hair. Another guy walks up behind him touching his waist.

“God. He’s so...” Tashi sighs.

It was Tashi’s idea, all of it. “He just never got his time to be out before. To be boy crazy. He’s a late bloomer. I mean…You’re his first time… ” Tashi had explained. “Imagine how you would act.”

She said it after Art finally let Patrick do more than just kiss him. They finally fucked and it was this long drawn out messy process on a rainy afternoon. Art figuring out what he liked, topping and being topped, giving and getting head all of it so fucking hot. And then a week later Art went and slept with his old hitting partner. Apparently the guy had been so flirtatious when he worked for them that Art was having dreams about him so in the most Art Donaldson way he hid behind Tashi and begged her to make up an excuse to fire him.

He was so sorry when Patrick caught him. “It was an accident. It won’t happen again.” He promised. And then he did it again just two days later. Boy crazy.

“I’m gonna pick tonight. Do you care?” Tashi asks.

”No, go ahead,” Patrick says. “Better hurry though.”

She’s half distracted by some pretty girl with long braids giving her heart eyes.

“Maybe you’re a late bloomer too?” Patrick teases, curling a lose strand of hair behind her ear.

“Shush,” Tashi says, shoving him playfully. “Bring him downstairs. Room 8. I’ll meet you guys there.”

“Wait a minute,” He grabs her arm firmly before she can disappear and pulls her close so he can kiss her mouth. It’s the only public place he can do this and he’s taking full advantage.

He watches her walk away and then looks back at the bar. Art’s holding a drink now, both of the guys monopolizing his attention. Gentle touches, talking to him up close. Patrick starts making his way through the crowd. It’s not like Art will just do whatever he wants but sometimes he gets a little too high off of the attention. Like he finally understands how easy it is to get male attention and how much he loves it. Even though he tries to pretend he doesn’t care. He got so horny for it last time they caught him on his knees in the back room, giving head without permission. They had to punish him after. Well, Tashi punished him actually. Patrick’s not good at it. Art will play like Patrick has control but with that face and that body he can walk all over Patrick easily when he feels like it.

Patrick is stopped on his way by a pretty blond. She seems a little past the point of tipsy.

“Hey aren’t you that Rangers player?” She asks, she’s giggly. Touchy.

“Yeah,” He says, steadying her. He doesn’t play hockey but he thinks he knows what she means.

“I think you’re so hot,” she says, and she giggles again as he smirks and brushes past her.

“I can’t tonight sweetheart.” He says gently and she pouts. She’s exactly the kind of girl who wouldn’t have given him the time of day just a few months ago. Now that he’s not looking it’s hilarious how much he has to turn down.

Speaking of slutty blonds, he approaches Art in the nick of time. He’s started making out with one boy, while the other is holding his drink.

“This his?” Patrick asks the guy with the drink and he nods, looking Patrick over. Patrick takes the glass from him and swallows the rest of it, all while Art’s pressing his tongue down the other man’s throat. He slams the glass down on the bar and grabs Art by the arm. Art stumbles back, lips wet, eyes glassy. Confused to see Patrick there. “Hey. Um…sorry I had to wait forever for a drink,” he hiccups, sheepishly.

“I bet,” Patrick says, fixing his hair and pulling his shirt back down so his mid drift his covered. Tashi put him in eyeliner and it’s all smudged now. Silly boy. Hes so fucking handsome. No way around it. He grew up pretty. And now he’s a tennis superstar. Not that he even needs that to get this type of attention.

“Who’s he?” Art’s kissing partner asks.

“My um…this is… I don’t know… my boyfriend?” Art says, looking at Patrick, his eyes all sparkly.

“Hey boyfriend, I’m Jack and that’s my boyfriend. Kissing partner gestures to the guy who was holding Arts drink. “You all wanna go downstairs and have some fun?”

“Yeah,” Art says and Patrick wraps his arm around his waist to keep him from going back for another kiss.

“Sorry Jack, maybe next time,” Patrick says.

Jack looks irritated, he glares at Patrick and then turns his gaze back to Art. “Is that what you want?”

“Yeah,” Art says, obediently.

“Fine, hope you enjoyed the drink,” Jack frowns, walking off with his boyfriend in tow.

“I swear I didn’t ask him to buy it,” Art says, looking at Patrick.

“Oh I know,” Patrick says. “You want another?”

Art nods, and Patrick waves at the bartender. Art’s anxiously chewing his gum, one hand gripping Patrick’s t-shirt like he needs him. Patrick imagines him in a collar. On his knees like a giddy little puppy dog. Eager to do whatever he and Tashi ask and he has to reach into his pocket to adjust himself. The bartender approaches and smiles at Art, clearly she knows who he is. She looks too young to be a bartender but she leans in when Patrick asks for two more whiskey sours. He knows Tashi will just drink whatever he brings so he doesn’t bother with another drink.

“I love you guys,” the bartender comes back around and pushes the drinks forward. “It’s on the house.”

Patrick raises his glass to her and she smiles but it’s clear she’s got eyes for Art who’s busy saying “Thank you so much!”

Patrick tugs at him and guides him downstairs. He’s getting attention as they walk through the crowd, eyes follow him, people reaching for him, touching him. Boys, girls, younger, older, same age, it doesn’t seem to matter. The funniest part is that he’s hardly the most famous person there. But it’s all so hush hush. And absolutely fucking anything goes.

Downstairs the lights are down so low, your eyes have to adjust to realize what’s happening. There’s a general area where there are people in the various stages of intercourse. People who like to watch, self-pleasuring. People in different positions, gay, straight, threesomes, foursomes, swingers. On chairs and sofas, on the floor, Patrick can only compare it to a bath house or the backroom at a really popular gay club, so much moaning and groaning writhing. Art lingers, watching as he sips his drink and Patrick lets him for a moment, before pulling him towards room number 8. He presses his wristband against the scanner and it unlocks for them.

When the door closes Art is suddenly giddy, he leans against the door gazing at Patrick.

”You remember the safeword?” Patrick says softly.

”Cinnamon,” Art says and he leans in, kissing him.

“Stop,” Patrick says, taking a breath and pushing him back against the door. Patrick feels a little dizzy but he manages to pull Art towards the leather sofa. The private room is fully stocked with snacks, water and champagne. There’s tons of condoms organized by size and six different flavors of packet sized lube. There are mints and chewing gum. There’s even wet wipes and hand sanitizer. Art puts his glass down on the table.

“Can you fuck me first?” Art whispers, sitting too close, grabbing at Patrick’s zipper.

“You want to get in trouble?” Patrick says, softly.

“Why? Are you gonna tell on me?” Art smirks.

Patrick is so fucking weak for shit like this, especially when he’s been at least half hard since they walked in the club. Since Tashi brought up going to the club in the first place, actually. “Fucking behave,” Patrick groans, pushing Art’s hands away. He needs Tashi to show up now or he knows he’s gonna end up doing whatever Art asks him to. He swallows down what’s left of his whiskey and puts his glass down. Art is so antsy he’s running his mouth talking about last time, how he’d been between two boys, getting fucked while he was fucking someone else. He really liked that. Tashi liked it too. She made them replay it at home, she pegged him while he fucked Patrick. And then Patrick laid down between her legs and kissed her until she cried.

The memories along with soft sound of Art’s voice as he rambles incessantly is setting Patrick’s teeth on edge, he’s this close to making Art cock warm him if only just to shut him up.

Thankfully Tashi doesn’t make them wait too much longer. The electronic whir of the lock sounds and she walks in with two guys, one tall and thin with longer dark hair and the other one her height when she’s in heels, he’s stocky and muscular. “Did you miss me?” She asks.

“Yeah,” Art sits up eagerly.

“Fuck. He looks even better in person,” long dark hair says.

“Doesn’t he?” Tashi approaches them. She climbs on the sofa, straddling Art’s lap and settles there. He looks up at her like she’s a real life angel and he needs to pray. “Hi baby.” He whispers. Hands sliding up her thighs, making her dress ride up. Patrick shifts in his seat. One of the guys nudges the other and they both smile.

“Hi,” Tashi says, fingers on the back of his head. “We’re gonna play a little game okay?”

Art bites his lip and nods.

“I need you to say it out loud,” Tashi says, firmly. Like she’s talking to one of the many people she works with to manage Art’s career.

“Okay,” Art says. She glances at Patrick, a little smirk on her lips and then looks back at Art.

“Okay,” she says, gentle again. “That’s Zach,” she points to the tall long haired one. And that’s Kevin. You guys know of Art and Patrick.”

”Oh yes,” Kevin says and Zach echoes, “Mmhm.”

“Good,” she says. She pulls down her hair, most of it was tied off with a silk scarf, now her curls fall onto her shoulders. She takes the scarf and uses it as a blindfold, covering Art’s eyes.

“Tash— um—“ Art stammers.

“Relax, it’s part of the game.” She says lightly. “Can you see me?”

“No, um…”

She waves her hands in front of him quite close and when he doesn’t react she smiles. “Good. Since you like it so much, you’re gonna give each of them a blow job. Zach, Kevin and Patrick.”

“Mm,” Art licks his lips.

“If you can get them all off in less than 8 minutes, you get to come tonight. If you can guess which one is Patrick, I’ll let him get you off before we leave this room. You can’t use your hands but everything else is fair game. They’re each gonna be as quiet as possible,” she says looking around. “But if you can figure it out by their breathing or something else that’s fine.”

“Okay,” Art says, hitching his hips up into her.

“Last thing… obviously your mouth will be too busy for the safe word. I’m keeping my arm right here. She rests it on his upper thigh. If you need to stop pinch me. I’ll stop it no matter how light or hard you squeeze so don’t pinch unless that’s what you mean.”

“Okay,” Art hums.

She climbs off his lap and he’s already hard. She smiles and holds her finger to her lips looking around the room. Then she holds up two fingers and points at Patrick. Three fingers and she points at Zach. She holds up one finger and points at Kevin beckoning him over and he comes eagerly. She gestures for Patrick to get off the sofa. He takes a breath and stands up. Kevin smirks at him rubbing his cock as he walks forward. Art’s rubbing the leather sofa eagerly. Tashi settles next to him and rests her hand on his lap, he wraps his hand around her to keep her there.

“Okay number one,” Tashi says as Kevin approaches. She hands him a condom and he frowns but pulls it on anyway.

“Do I open?” Art asks.

”One second,” Tashi says quietly. Kevin lets out an irritated breath and then presses himself up against Art’s lips. Art opens up right away.

“Time starts now,” Tashi says, looking at the digital clock on the wall. He’s licking all over, like he’s trying to figure out how big he is. How thick. Playing his tongue along the length and diameter. He’s not much smaller than Patrick. It’s a good healthy sized, circumcised dick. Art licks his way down the shaft and back up again. He’s orally fixated in the worst way so he doesn’t waste too much time before taking it properly into his mouth. Kevin bites his lip and runs his fingers into Art’s hair. Tashi hits his arm.

“No touching,” she says.

Art hums, lips stretched around his dick, Patrick adjusts himself and lets out a sigh. Tashi smirks at him. Grabs at the loops of his pants and brings him closer. Which is so tempting because Patrick is also eager to run his fingers through Art’s hair, call him a good boy for taking it so well. Art is breathing heavy, getting sloppy and wet with it. Tongue moving, head bobbing. Filthy sucking sounds as he works on getting him to come. All while Kevin has his fingers balled into fists and he’s all seized up.

Behind him, Patrick catches Zach touching himself idly.

Art is humming pretty consistently now, he’s so hard from this, to the point where Patrick can see the damp spot where precum is starting to stain his pants a darker shade.

Tashi is taking deep breaths. “Oh baby. Oh it hasn’t even been two minutes. Fuck.” She whispers. As Kevin makes a strangled sound and starts pumping his hips. He’s breathing heavy when he’s done, Art still sucking on him like he can’t stop. But Kevin pulls out, condom wet and shiny with saliva and full of semen. Tashi’s gripping Art’s thigh.

“Tashi I’m—“ Art sighs breathless. “I can’t touch myself?”

“No baby,” Tashi says gently. “Okay number two,” she whispers.

Patrick unzips and takes himself in hand. He’s about to wet Art’s lips with precum but Tashi hands him a condom too. Which makes perfect sense. He bites it open and eases it on. It’s a fun little game. Cute idea. But Patrick really wants to fuck him so already he’s made up his mind to give himself away somehow. Art’s lips are all swollen and pink. He starts by licking again. Such a smart boy. Up and down the length and all over to gage the width. It feels so good, especially when he gets to the tip.

Patrick makes a soft sound and Tashi kicks him so he bites his lip.

“Mm,” Art takes him in, breathing deep. Mouth so deliciously hot and wet. And he’s racing his tongue back and forth. Sucking hard. Moaning as he does it. Patrick can’t help himself, he’s pushing back on him. Feeding every inch that he can into that perfect heated mouth. He likes to test his gag reflex when they do this. See how much Art can take. Face going pink, lips swollen red. Coughing up while come drips obscenely from his lips. He starts coughing and Tashi kicks him again. That doesn’t stop Art for long. He’s taking as much as he can, filling his mouth again. Trying so hard not to gag for it and Patrick can’t believe he’s already this near to the edge. There’s something so hot about being this fucking desperate and holding it all in. This erotic silence. Just the constant rhythmic beat of the club's music and Tashi bouncing her knee. Art humming, moaning.

Kevin sighs and that’s the moment Patrick remembers he’s still in the room. Art’s teasing his tongue on the underside of his cock head which feels incredible even through the thin layer of latex. Art flitting it back and forth in this spectacular dance that with every movement brings Patrick closer. He thrusts in and out and in and out and— “Fuck,” Patrick says helplessly and then he’s filling the condom.

Patrick fixates on the wetness of it as he pulls out. The condom soaked in saliva. More of it dripping from Art’s lips. Art is breathless. “What if I come by— by accident?” Art says, gasping.

“You won’t, baby,” Tashi says softly. “Come on number three.”

Zach picks up a condom.

“How much time?” Art asks.

“You’re doing so good,” Tashi says. “About 3 minutes left.”

Art licks his lips. He doesn’t really test Zach out. Just takes it into his mouth. Zach is bigger than Patrick in girth, a little shorter in length. Circumcised of course. Patrick watches Art stretch his lips around him easy. Zach doesn’t really stand a fucking chance. He’d been so worked up watching Art blow Kevin and himself, Art manages to finish him off in 90 seconds. The whole time Patrick can feel the distant hint of arousal coming back and settling low in his stomach. Art’s still blindfolded, he’s sitting there rubbing his thighs eagerly as Zach pinches the condom off and throws it away.

“Did I do it?” Art asks.

“Yes. Good job, baby,” Tashi sighs. “I’ll let you come tonight. Now take your best guess. Which one was Patrick? One, two or three?”

“Mm two,” Art says, little to no hesitation.

”Hmm,” Tashi says, glaring briefly at Patrick. She then looks to the other two. “Thanks for playing boys.”

“Any fucking time,” Zach says. “That was fun.”

“I’m clean by the way, in case you want to do it without a condom next time,” Kevin says.

“If you want a next time you’ll have to wear one. No exceptions. Sorry,” Tashi says lightly.

“Yeah, okay… just feels so much better without it. What’s the point of the constant tests if we always have to wear condoms right?” Kevin says condescendingly like Tashi is a silly girl who just doesn’t get it.

“Well you’re fucking welcome to play with someone else next time then,” Patrick says coldly. “Goodnight.”

Kevin glares at him and then follows Zach out of the private room.

“You’re a fucking cheater, Pat,” Tashi turns on him when the door shuts. She pulls off the blindfold.

“I didn’t cheat.” Patrick says. ”I followed all of your instructions, to the letter.”

Art is flushed, eyes glassy, lips red and swollen. Patrick can’t help doing what he couldn’t before and teasing his fingers into Art’s hair. He keens into the touch. So hard, he’s almost tenting in the tough fabric of his jeans.

“How’d you know it was him?” Tashi asks Art, her tone gentle with him.

“I—I know how he feels.” Art says. “The other two felt… different. Plus I could smell him. It made me want to touch.”

”Mm fine, I guess I tried to get as close as I could.” Tashi says. “Next time I’m giving you fucking five minutes to finish it all.” She smirks.

Art grins and she leans in and kisses him.

He’s seeking her body immediately grabbing at her dress, she pushes him off.

“Behave. Get on the floor like a good boy,” Tashi tells him and Art slides off the sofa to get on his knees. Patrick can tell she’s barely hanging by a thread. Her body is trembling for it.

She scoots forward, legs spread and Art barely wastes a second before he’s on his hands and knees, head buried between her thighs. Tashi is gazing up at Patrick, smiling before she lets out another sigh. Patrick feels himself getting hard again, arousal back in full force.

“Show Patrick how needy you are,” Tashi groans. Art is bent over, ass sticking out, mesh shirt riding up, moaning almost as much as she is and he reaches to undo his jeans.

Patrick sinks to his knees behind him and tugs the jeans down to expose his ass, all while reaching for a packet of lubricant from the table. It takes him no time at all to sink himself into the heat of Art’s body. And then they’re all moaning. It feels like nirvana. Patrick can’t focus on anything but this. Obsessed with the idea that he can have this all the fucking time. The therapist says they can’t fuck away their problems but Patrick would argue this makes him work so much harder at therapy… just so they can keep doing this shit. Tashi comes first, Patrick knows her tells. He reaches for Art’s cock, knows he can’t really come without stimulation. And all it takes is two strokes and he’s clenching around Patrick. Heated liquid spurting all over the place, spilling onto Patrick’s hand. Patrick fucks him into overstimulation before he’s coming inside. And then they’re all breathless, giddy and so satisfied.

They lay in the room for a little bit longer after redressing and cleaning up a bit. Art chews gum and rests his head on Tashi’s lap while Tashi and Patrick are share one of the snacks. They talk about what just happened. Art back to his normal more centered self and Patrick admits to his fantasy about putting a collar on Art next time. And the way they both suddenly go silent, both of them fidgety, lets Patrick know they’re into it.

They head upstairs so the space can be used by someone else and pick up their coats and phones from the check in. They wait for an uber. People passing by in a rush to get out of the cold. Kids hurrying in and out of other less exclusive clubs nearby. No one but other people exiting the club aware of what really goes on in there, or of what they’ve just been up to. Patrick smiles to himself, he already can’t wait to go back.

Not to superwholock on main but if anyone likes Sherlock I encourage you to read the much better fic a cure for boredom on AO3 from which I blatantly stole the cinnamon safeword and got influenced by the sex club. That and someone said Mike Faist smells like cinnamon… 🤤

[rav-rabies-art-blog]

Wip Wednesdays returns

Hello everyone sorry I haven't been as active, but I come bearing lots of wips.

I finished that singing Zanzo in my sketchbook and also started a summer Zanzo. I might do a full version of both (with Chai giving his opinion on Zanzo's singing) for fun.

Here's some of the beat goes on that's in progress. This has been my main focus lately. Still I'm a little frustrated with the speed I'm going at but I hoping to catch my stride soon. I've never really done longer comics like this before so I'm learning as I go.

I think this is my favorite Kale pic I've drawn. I also got a shorter (3 pages) sillier comic that this is a part of. This should be done (fingers crossed/knock on wood) by Monday.

Like I did with Zanzo I'm doing a teen Kale (with bonus baby peppermint) I'm meh on Kale so far, mostly because I feel it's too close to how he looks as an adult, but I love baby pepper. Though she's sad because her big brother doesn't want to play with her anymore.

Writing side I got two oneshots, both Kale/Zanzo here my favorite bit from one.

Zanzo grumbled as he rode the elevator up. He was getting real tired of the pranks. Today, EVERY SINGLE PEN went missing in R&D.

Every single one... who has that much time to be that petty. He thought, Probably Roquf- no. He probably couldn't stomach taking that much time not making money.

He had spent a good chunk of the day looking for them. he didn't necessarily need them, but it was the idea of it. The 'why' of it just pissed him off. He had finally found them on a high ledge. All shoved up there, save the ones that had somehow been knocked over.

[madfantasy]

Dear blogging

Wish you peace, always. Considering all, it been extra rough. My guardians were sick, and my fragile of a stability was about to break— but it okay now, and the pendulum of consciousness returned swaying in my head.

Somehow in the middle of everything, I was starting to feel okay and accept that this is the best it can get for this non verbal Mani. I honestly I stopped living as if there was tomorrow maybe the majority of 2023, zero drive or hopefulness, and lately started to accept that there's no denying that I'm not made to survive this life, and dropped all pretence that I'm able, set a 5 years counter. Because if mere looking at people's faces distress me so much that I blank out &/or go mute, since childhood, no amount of me forcing myself to watch videos/ pictures over and over can fix that. That's simply how I'm made and I know that now, and in a way it's bringing me peace.

Because I thought I'm bratting when I wore my headphones to cancel out noise that were literally going to drive me insane, or when I couldn't respond to messages knowing that I can articulate deeply in writing but ignoring all the endless times when I simply couldn't, and have forced myself to eat many things that set me days in nausea and abdominal pain while I only enjoy liquids more and get high off of fruits, I love them so much half my OCs are named after some.. and drew.. drew even before I spoke because it was my only outlit to express because how much I'm told I'm like a robot, I'm so expressionless and non reactive and disgustingly literal, even when they actively beat me black Nd blue to stop drawing, I couldn't.. where do you free those emotions when U can, i needed emotion displays and heartfelt trimmers, thrilling or killing, I needed to do them as if my life depended on it, and I haven't realised it back then, but my life was dependent on them, even when I had 'no talent ' , as I have always been told.

(commissioned by precious Julia ♥️🖤)

And besides drawing my needs, I actually, physically, started to feel better when I didn't do what my body said it literally can't do, all my life:

-Walked away from my guardians arguments, my chest stabbing pains became less frequent.

Stopped "practicing" my voice &/or facial expressions, I talk for 2 minutes, immediately my whole face muscles hurt, voice is cracking and gone, I don't feel like my eyebrows hurt as much. I'm okay being the monotone no expresso train c:

-stopped eating what I "don't like" (I mean it's not like I have much choice, but stopped feeling guilty over refusing it cuz food be tight) Nd now I can actually drink more water, and my tummy aches are on lower levels now

-i stopped dealing with Discord, or group chats in general cuz I don't expect accommodation over things I can't deal with. Stopped stressing over doing engaging material that no body seems to care about, cuz I'm not a good judge of demand, or stressing over either I should be thanking everyone who spams me with likes or not, (while I appreciate it to the moon) 90% of the time they don't respond Nd Im forced to think like I've done something wrong. I'm now at more ease with posting — (literally I have to fight the urges to delete my socials daily) just with interacting with who addresses me (I lov U guys sm) and I've been more relaxed from it.

I returned to "speaking in riddles" cuz if I don't use the words my brain spews no matter how weird they R, a tire will pop somewhere on the other side of an AU- idk lo'

-i rock, hum and laugh OUT my maniacal laugh, hard and strong, continued loving and talking to my plushies as I used to do, the easiest thing I could do to feel calmer again. As everyone should do

.. I stopped saying the word sorry. It's a naughty Mani era.

Accepting these facts and many, even with having no will to live had me saner than I ever been, at least I hope so.

I just know that I have a few to be grateful of: that I'm still here somehow, even with my dwindling income, Nd my internet not worth costing 120$± I'm always grateful for the sudden one or two commissions that keeps me here and buys me coffee and pumpkins seeds..

I still struggle horrindously with sleep. But I'm grateful at least I'm at pure ease playing games. Games been my go to media for knowing basically all based on books they were made about, like Severus and Tintin, I still play their ps1 games! Tho I got stuck on this game & their sleep has given me so much ease lo

I'm at my happy place rn, heh.

Bonus panel: ye they R hungry for that SHI- lo 🙈

And an honorary appearance of my OC with Tintin hehe

Stay safe, don't feed the overconsumption machine, don't give up on your heartstrings's stringers, don't worry— there are people who think and feel like you always between the crowds, and I'm thankful that I share the same timeline with you♥️🖤

Sweet dreams 🌃 19.2.2024

[finalgirlkateausten]

the stakes are high, the water's rough

set during "fire and water". kate has a lot of pent-up energy, and it looks to her like claire and aaron could use a bodyguard. claire tries to get her friend to relax.

"Kate, come here."

Kate pauses, scuffing the toe of her boot in the sand. She turns briefly to glance at Claire before scanning the horizon once more. "Hm? Whatcha need?"

"Just thought you might want to sit down," Claire answers. "I mean, you're pacing like a guard dog." She laughs.

Kate sighs, pulling the elastic from her hair. The braid is giving her a headache. "I don't want to sit down. I've been sitting enough. Ever since that asshole grabbed me off the side of the mountain Jack has barely let me leave camp." She frowns, kicking the sand harder. It sprays toward Claire's shaded picnic blanket. "Not that he tells me what to do, I just-- ugh!"

Claire pats the blanket, giving Kate a tired smile. "Come sit down."

Kate drops obediently with a groan, kicking her boots off so she can tuck her feet underneath her. "Boys are stupid. My ten-year-old self had the right idea."

Claire giggles. "You don't think it's sweet, how worried he is? Every time I see you two together, Jack is staring at you like an adorable little puppy. I think you're lucky."

She's right, which makes Kate feel even more guilty. "I tried to go hunting yesterday," she says, pressing her fingers into the blanket hard enough to make dents in the sand beneath. "I speared a couple squirrel-looking things. It put me in a good mood, 'cause we haven't had much meat lately. And then I got back and Jack was asking everyone he ran into if they'd seen me... and it didn't make me angry. I just felt bad for worrying him. I don't know-- I didn't realize once we started talking about our feelings, they would just... get everywhere."

Claire raises her eyebrows. "Well... at least he hasn't tried to drown your baby."

Kate winces, her eyes falling to where Aaron is snoozing in his mother's arms. "I'm really sorry about Charlie."

"I thought he'd changed," Claire says, her voice shaking. "For the better, I mean. We've all moved past the things we went through before the crash... but when I saw what was inside those statues..."

Kate swallows hard. She's definitely had a few late-night conversations with Jack that she couldn't have voiced in the light of the day, but Claire's right-- Charlie has actively chosen to backpedal, to make things worse for himself and everyone else.

"I don't think he wants to hurt you," she says slowly, "either of you. He's just..." she trails off, realizing she has no idea how Charlie and Claire have ended up here. "I mean, if he is using, he's living in a very different world than the rest of us."

Claire's mouth forms a moue of disappointment. "I want him to come back," she admits. "As scared as I am, of what he wants with Aaron now, I miss him. But I don't know how to help him."

Kate stares out toward the horizon and thinks about white-knuckling a steering wheel as gunshots ring out. "Not everyone can be helped," she rasps.

"Maybe not," Claire agrees, with a heavy sigh. "But I think you can help him." She lifts her chin, and Kate follows her gaze to where Jack is handing pills to Sawyer. Even from here, she thinks he looks tired.

She'll help him sleep tonight, when they're not sweaty and stressed and weighed down by the dozen other things they have to focus on. Now, though...

"I'd rather be your bodyguard," she tells Claire with a grin.

"Let's make a deal, then," Claire retorts, offering her own dimpled smile. "When I don't need a bodyguard anymore... you tell Jack you don't need one either." She looks serious now. "Tell him it wasn't his fault."

Kate's stomach flips, and for a moment she tastes dirty cloth in her mouth again. But Claire is right.

The younger woman is holding out her pinky, and Kate can't help but laugh. She interlocks her own with it. "Deal."

As soon as they let go, there's the sound of shouting from further down the beach. Claire's smile drops.

"I'd better get bodyguarding," Kate says with a scowl. "Don't worry, Claire, okay? It'll work out."

[p1xiemeat]

I noticed you haven't been as active on social media as you were even a few months ago.. is there any reason? I hope ur okay🖤

aw thank you for checking up on me🥺 honestly i've been struggling on and off with my mental health and trying to find medication that works. i've had it switched a couple times recently and even had a super bad reaction to one that landed me in a mental hospital. (well it was a combination of medication and other stuff.)

i think ive finally found one that works but as most psyche meds do, they've been making me act different. i've grown a bit tired of the kind of content i've been making for a long time now. my interests haven't changed at all. i still have the same interests, i'm just bored of the way i've been presenting them and myself if that makes sense😂

idk if bored is the right word. the "aesthetic"/overall vibe of my social media usually reflects the way i feel. and right now when i log on i see all the things i like but its presented in a way that doesn't feel like myself. its still me but i think in the last couple months i've grown a lot now that i've actually taken steps to learn about my newly diagnosed autism and started getting legitimate help for my bipolar disorder.

what it really comes down to is i just need to organize my brain and my pages on here a lot. i plan on revamping my tumblr and all my other social media to fit how i'm currently feeling. but i just haven't felt like doing it because the smallest tasks like that have reaaally been draining me mentally. it fucking sucks. but its been a lot better since i've had a bit of time to adjust to all the changes i've made for myself.

so i'm thinking i'll probably do a big "update" to all my social media either within the next few days or soonish lol sorry its taken me so long to answer ur anon. like i said, i've been mentally exhausted for a long time now and i just didnt know what the problem was until i was able to start thinking more clearly. having bipolar disorder is so difficult. because its both mania and depression. and it makes it extremely difficult to organize my thoughts when i'm struggling. idk if "regular" ppl deal with that but its always been an issue for me.

my content will most likely still be the same. i just might start adding some new stuff here and there and incorporate a lot of the new styles and aesthetics i've been into as of late. and perhaps diversify my content a bit too, because i have a lot of interests and fascinations with many things that i don't even post about online! 🥰

i hope i was able to give u an answer in the least confusing way possible. i'm terrible at explaining things. especially about myself😂 hence why most of the questions i answer always end up being paragraphs 😭

[lisutarid-a]

[Gakuen K] Munakata Reisi Route Translation

Ten minute break

LIST OF CHAPTERS

[Translation under the cut]

Saya: (Winter vacation is almost here…)

Saya: (Munakata-senpai and I became lovers, but I don't feel much has changed since that time…)

Saya: (Besides, senpai always looks busy…)

Saya: Ah, Munakata-senpai!

Saya: You're not going to the club activities today, right? You're walking in the opposite direction.

Munakata: Yeah, I've got some work to do in the Student Council Office.

Saya: Um, I can help you if you want.

Munakata: No, it's okay. It's something I have to do myself.

Saya: Is that so…I got it.

Munakata: I've been busy handing over my Student Council Office duties. Sorry I haven't been able to spend much time with you.

Saya: N-No! It's all right.

Munakata: I promise I will make this up to you. Now, if you'll excuse me.

Saya: (He's gone…Senpai was really thinking about me. That makes me kinda happy)

Awashima: Have you seen the President?

Saya: Ah, Awashima-sensei. He said he was going to work in the Student Council Office.

Awashima: Thanks.

Saya: (Sensei is also bustling…Maybe it's because Munakata-senpai is not only the President of Student Council Office but also the Head of the Blue club)

Saya: (No wonder he's so busy. I wish there was something I could do to help)

Saya: (As expected, it's getting dark early. Club activities are over, so let's go home…)

Saya: (I know senpai said he's going to work in the Student Council Office, but I wonder if he's still there)

Munakata: Oya, you are still here?

Saya: Eh!! Senpai!?

Munakata: What a coincidence. Are you on your way home now?

Saya: (I got surprised because I was thinking about senpai…)

Saya: (Y-Yeah. The club activities just finished a while ago. Um… Are you still busy?

Munakata: Yeah. I still can't get out of this busyness.

Munakata: …By the way, could you give me some of your time right now?

Saya: Yeah, you want me to help you with the work? I'll do anything!

Munakata: Thank you. Well then, this way.

Saya: Audiovisual room…But this room is usually locked…

Munakata: If you need a key, I have it.

Munakata: Well, could you please take a seat there?

Munakata: It would take only 10 minutes.

Saya: Okay, understood. Um, what can I do to help…?

Munakata: Can you hold my glasses, please?

Saya: Yeah.

Saya: Eh…?

Munakata: I will borrow your shoulder. Please wake me up in 10 minutes.

Munakata: Good night.

Saya: Um, yeah. Good night.

Munakata: …

Saya: (It caught me off guard…I guess senpai must be tired)

Saya: (I must make sure not to wake him up)

Munakata: …

Saya: …

Saya: (This may be the first time I've seen senpai with his glasses off)

Saya: …

Saya: (I'm getting kind of nervous…Come to think about it, this is the first time I've ever seen senpai's face this close up, let alone the glasses)

Saya: (Lately, I've been thinking about senpai all the time…Maybe it's because he's busy and I don't see him as much as I used to)

Saya: (I was trying not to be conscious of it, but I found myself caring about senpai)

Saya: (I wonder what this means)

*10 minutes later...*

Saya: Senpai, 10 minutes have passed.

Munakata: …

Saya: He isn't waking up…

Saya: (I feel bad to wake him up when he's sleeping so comfortably)

Saya: (Maybe we can stay like this for another 5 minutes…)

*5 five serene minutes later...*

Saya: (Five minutes have almost passed…I have to wake him up)

Munakata: Agh…Good morning. It looks like I've fallen asleep.

Saya: Good morning, senpai. Sorry, it's actually been more than 10 minutes…

Munakata: No, that's fine. It's about you. You probably thought it was wrong to wake me up.

Munakata: My head is much clearer now. Now I can get back to work.

Saya: That's great…I'm far from being helpful to senpai. Please feel free to ask me again anytime.

Munakata: Thank you. When everything settles down, let's go out somewhere together?

Saya: Yes, I'm looking forward to it.

[Prev chapter][Next chapter]

[silkmothh]

Servitude journal: Forced orgasm

Our house has been the activity hub again, we've had people coming and going for the last 3 weeks and I've been a good, good girl this whole time 🫡 I haven't had a chance to touch myself or Sir this whole time bc he is so much busier than me and even though I feel bad Sir says I am doing such a good job keeping up and he's sorry he can't use me when I offer myself bc of all the busy-ness

Every day I get more horny, every rejected offering makes me wetter.. I'm looking at tblr porn every second I get. Work breaks, at red lights, in the middle of chores or cooking, on my walks, in the bath, in bed after Sir falls asleep, and the aching keeps me awake.. every rejected offering was just pushing me further and further into degeneracy. I've never been denied like THIS, for so long. Normally, my rejected offerings are met with an alternative. But this past month has just been "no, not now. No, maybe when I'm done. No, maybe when they leave, " I'm not breaking any rules looking at porn, as long as I'm not touching myself. And gosh, have I been looking 😅

But I couldn't take it last night. It was the last night before the house is back to regulars only. I haven't made a single offering in so long, I felt like I was going crazy. I was trying not to hump my hand or my blanket, I really wanted to go to sleep, my cunt was HURTING something fierce, and I was just,,, scrolling away on tblr. Until Sir stirred, and I damn near jumped his bones.

We couldn't fuck, and Sir was so tired. I begged just a little to be played with, I didn't care what he did I just begged him to touch my clit or put something in me or let me do it bc I was on fire. We wrestled around for a minute, I had to earn my chance at an offering.

I ended up tucked up close to Sir, I only got 1 hand and 1 chance to cum. I was to hold my legs open and shut the fuck up until Sir was finished with me.

I think I forgot how good Sir is with my cunt. He knows just the right places to rub, knows the perfect timing to keep me on edge ughh I'm already throbbing remembering.

The first time I get my command I tried really, really hard to cum but Sir started pinching my clit and labia so I didn't get my relief. He held onto my hair to keep me still.

When I got my second command I begged not to. I told Sir I wanted more play time. I wanted his fingers in me, I wanted to be used, I wanted him to break my brain and never let me cum again. I begged "noiwantmoreiwantmoreiwantmore no please take it back i don't want to cum pleasepleasepleadrpleass" and he just kept on. He pulled my hair to bring my head back down onto him. He told me to fix my posture, I had let my legs go and if I squirmed away instead of listening he'd make sure I'd regret it, if he didn't get this, if I didn't go through with my offering after begging him so desperately before-

And it hit me all at once. Waves of euphoria over and over. My eyes started watering. I got so still and squeezed my thighs so hard to keep my legs open "nononononono wait wait" but it was too late. I didn't want to cum but once it started I wanted more, I wanted to cum again. Sir laughed at me and told me how stupid I was. He reminded me that I needed him to decide bc I just can't make up my mind. He teased me about crying to be denied and then crying to be overstimulated.

I couldn't feel anything else but his hand on my cunt, the pressure just right on my clit, the occasional pinch. I could feel myself starting to slip.

But Sir got what he wanted, so we were done. Sir brought me back to reality, I couldn't drop into sub space just yet, but he promised he'd put me back once the house settled.

According to Sir, all I could say before I fell asleep was thank you, and how good it felt, and how I wanted every orgasm forced out of me like that..

I hope that's not true bc Sir seemed pretty into that last one and idk how many forced orgasms I could do 😵‍💫

[plural-affirmations]

I'm really sorry for throwing this all here and you don't have to read or post it, I just need a safe space to scream where my friends/partner systems won't see. Cw for fusion talk, I don't know if that needs a warning

I think I'm starting to fuse with our host and I'm terrified.

I'm just going to call him T for simplicity's sake (he uses they/them pronouns, I'm the only one who can call him.. him. It's a persecutor thing.) but he's been our host since for about two and a half years. I split off about a year and a half ago.

I'm technically a duplicate of him, we're from the same source character, but we're very different. He's all fuckin.. Healed and matured and moved on from his shit, and I haven't. I'm still stuck in who I was and who I am. It's a little easier to live with now, but I feel like I'm the evil alter. I'm like a dark shadow of him, all the horrible parts of himself that he couldn't carry anymore got shaved off and formed into whatever lump of flesh I became.

And I'm fine with that. I can live with that. I don't want to change. I'm surviving just fine as I am and I actually have people around me who don't care that I'm an asshole.

But more and more lately it's felt like T and I are getting muddled. Another headmate said that our souls looked tangled, I don't know how tf he saw that but he's a demon so he just Knows Thing. Someone else explicitly said we're fusing and that I'm going to disappear, but I don't know if I can trust them, because they're a persecutor too and they like to target me.

I've been trying to let go of a lot of exotrauma lately and it's hard. I'm extremely connected to my source and I didn't get a happy ending. My entire existence was based around being manipulated, and that hasn't changed since coming to the system, it's just been new faces doing the same shit. I'm a persecutor that gets targeted by all the other persecutors. I'm pretty much a living punching bag.

But I met a guy in one of our partner systems and I really like him. They've got a bunch of littles that all seem to adore me and I don't know why. One calls me her big brother. There's people who like me. I'm really trying to let myself be ok and to accept that I'm allowed a happy ending this time and that I'm not putting people at risk just by admitting I care about them, but it feels like every step toward that gets me more and more tangled up with T. Me hating myself and him is the only thing that seems to be keeping us solidified on our own.

I'm not against fusion for the whole system, I get it happens sometimes, but I don't want it to happen to me. I don't want to disappear. I finally feel like I'm able to survive my shit enough to function and I have people who would miss me if I was gone.

But honestly I think the scarier idea is that I wouldn't. That I'd be the main one who got to stay. T is in a tangled ass polycule with seven people between our system and two others. And I only really like one of them, I kind of actively hate some of the others. One of the partner system boyfriends C would probably have a full nervous breakdown if he disappeared entirely.

I don't know what to do. Either I stay hateful and cruel and go back to beating up T and pushing everyone away to keep us separated, or we fuse and I either disappear, or destroy everyone else's happiness for the sake of my own. It feels like there's nothing here I can do to win and honestly it's all starting to feel like one cosmic joke. I can't even talk to anyone, because our two closest friends are our partner systems, and I don't want to freak them out.

I'm just so tired. I want to be happy without having it blow up in my face and it feels like that's not possible.

Listen. I used to be scared of fusion of any kind. Terrified. My first fusion was super unintentional, unexpected, and frankly painful for a number of reasons. I avoided the idea of it for so long that even when I realized it would probably happen regardless, I just ignored it. And that made it so, so much worse in the long run.

When it finally came around, it hurt. I felt like I was losing one of my best friends. And I was so caught up with who my predecessors were that I didn't know who I was for almost a full year.

But you know what? It got better. I slowly started picking up on things I liked and disliked, what little differences I experienced. After finding out I loved honey mustard when I used to hate it, it almost became a game to me. "Will I like this food Cameron was fond of? Maybe I'll try makeup like Cara. Maybe I'll create something entirely new for myself." (I did, by the way. Picked up HTML for the hell of it.)

The next time fusion happened, I let it. I felt it coming on for probably about a month or so, and I remembered what happened the last time. So, I sat down and breathed. Didn't panic the same way as before.

And after thinking, it was genuinely nice! I was excited to see how I'd grow this time. What idiosyncrasies I'd pick up. Whether I would still fantasize about Pipeline Punch Monster Energy when I was feeling down.

My gender and orientation went on full-tilt, but even that wasn't as upsetting as the first!

I'm going to tell you something I wish someone would've told me:

Change is going to come whether you enjoy it or not.

Yes, things will be different. Yes, it could very well be emotional and hard at times. But if you're fusing, it's usually for a really good reason, despite if you consciously know what that reason is yet or not. Brains have a pretty good idea of what's best for your system's wellbeing. They're certainly not perfect, but they know damn well how to process complex experiences most singlets wouldn't dream of.

You're not going to disappear, and things aren't going to be nearly as bad as they might seem. I promise you, you'll come out on the other end better. And if shit really does hit the fan? You'll know for next time.

🖤💜💙💚💛

[cinemaglow]

This isn't going to be very coherent I'm sorry. I'm not a Buck-Tick superfan. I very easily *could* be but I've held myself back since I don't really have the time and energy to invest and become voraciously obsessed with a band like when I was younger. I haven't listened to all their albums. I've only watched or read a few translated interviews. Idk why I feel like I have to preface this post like this. I guess it's just weird that this is the most profoundly affected I've been by a musician's death in years, and I don't even have the encyclopedic knowledge that I do for some other musicians to have built a parasocial relationship on. I think it speaks for the depths of the beauty that Sakurai contained, that even while maintaining a respectful distance and just catching a surface level glinpse of his inner life he was so, so compelling. And even though I never learned a lot about his personal life I feel a kinship with him.

There are a few bands that have changed my life, not just in a general sense but in specific, measurable ways. Buck-Tick is one of them. I've had treatment resistant depression for most of my life. In 2020 I was, not as actively suicidal as I have occasionally been, but just so so tired and hopeless. I couldn't imagine a future for myself and I was fully prepared to never get out of bed again until I starved and decomposed. Somebody shared a picture of Sakurai on tumblr. I don't remember who or why or what picture but I thought he was compelling and beautiful and me being always a slut for men with long hair I was like 👀👀👀 and that's what led me to Buck-Tick.

Discovering Buck-Tick in late 2020 convinced me to keep fighting for my life. In fact it was reading the translation of these particular lyrics that literally gave my an epiphany or an internal eucatastrophe, like something fundamentally changed in the workings of my brain and the trajectory of my life made a sharp turn:

Your living heartbeat in this world is ephemeral, but it’s beautiful

The living heartbeat of everything in this world is ephemeral, but even so it shines

Your living heartbeat in this world—there’s nothing sad at all

A person I love can live in this world—there’s nothing sad at all

It's honestly kind of cheesy that something can change your outlook so immediately but I remember distinctly realizing that living depressed and miserable is still being a living person and therefore an expression of the goodness and beauty in the universe. I sobbed. I felt truly glad to be alive for the first time in a long, long time. I posted as much on facebook, so you could actually go back and find the exact date it happened. Anyway. I accepted that even if I never get completely better it's still worth fighting to be a bit better. I started grad school. I've made it alive through a lot of rancid shit associated with grad school. I still feel an underlying current of hope and ?cosmic joy? even when my more immediate mental health takes a nosedive because my fundamental view of the world has changed.

People who are a lot more knowledgeable about Sakurai's personal life than I am are posting about how even though he struggled deeply all his life he always fought to live, to find the beauty inherent in living, and that mindset clearly came through in his words and music, because he transmitted it to me. He was so, so beautiful, his mind, voice, countenance, artistry.....he and the rest of the band gave me a blueprint for aging fabulously when I literally couldn't picture myself being middle aged. I think he did a good job, with everything. I kind of feel the same way now as I did when I found out about a friend's suicide earlier this year. Like, it's all okay for him, on his end. One of my spiritual beliefs is that death is a reward, a well earned rest after engaging in the Sacred Work of living. Even if it's a few decades earlier than expected Sakurai deserves to rest after all he's given and I'm happy for him. It's the rest of us that have lost something. It's like we have one less star in the sky. I kind of had a dream that maybe I could make so stage clothes for him one day but oh well.

I was up for several hours just kind of numb last night after I heard the news so I am going to get something to eat and go back to bed for a bit (being unemployed does come with privileges haha). I'm feeling a lot more at peace now than I was last night. Later on I'm going to take a shower and then paint my nails, which seems like the best thing I can do at the moment to honor him. And I'm going to keep living, and making beautiful gothy clothes, and putting more beauty out into the world and appreciating the beauty that is always there no matter what happens.

[postalninja]

Fic Author Q&A

Tagged by @cicaklah - thanks babe! (sorry if my answers end up vague or unsatisfying, it's past midnight and i would be in bed if there wasn't a music festival currently happening outside my window - I"m not exactly at my best lol)

1. Why do you write fanfic?

It started from the desire to make fictional characters kiss, which is still a large part of why I do it, so let's go with that.

2. Which of your posted stories do you think about the most, even though the story is “finished”?

I don't really know - I tend to think about a lot of my stories pretty often after they're finished, I'm not sure that there is a specific one I fixate on. They all get a bit of time in my brain, and i tend to go and re-read stuff too.

3. If you could give yourself fic advice from when you first started writing fic, what would that advice be?

S l o w d o w n. Don't be afraid of big word counts, it'll take as many words as it takes, and rushing toward the finish line will just make the pacing suffer. Make room for the moments in between, let the story breathe.

4. What’s your relationship to fic stats?

Lately I've found that not looking at them in too much detail is better. Over the summer I found myself looking at my stats for validation, and of course, not finding it there. But the problem is in my head, not on the stats page. So they are just numbers that are there, and if I need to check something specific, then that's a useful thing to have.

5. Is there a pairing or scenario or friendship you miss writing? If so, why? If not, why not?

I've really fallen off of writing for Hitman over the past couple of years, with only one short ficlet as a recent offering. It's one of the fandoms were my muse has been fleeting, but the fandom is so wonderful that I miss being a more active participant in it.

6. What motivates you to write?

Lately I have a pretty hard time writing without having clear inspiration, so that's the most surefire motivation is just being struck by an idea that grabs me and won't let go until I get it down on the page. But that sort of inspiration is hard to come by, so I haven't been writing very much in its absence.

7. Why do you write for the fandom(s) that you write for?

In most cases it's because I have a ship I'm obsessed with, and if not that than just general love for the game (it's almost always a game, let's not kid ourselves) and the characters. It's hard for me to write for a fandom unless I'm at least a little bit unhealthily obsessed with it.

8. If you’re stuck writing a WIP, what do you do?

Normally I will take a break, and some of those breaks have turned out longer than others... I have a few unfinished wips that are an albatross around my neck, and I'm not sure how to go about finishing them.

9. What do you wish people knew about comments?

They are all an author wants! We want to hear about what you liked and why, and given the chance we would talk your ear off about our fics, so don't ever feel like you're bothering an author by commenting something nice on their fic, we are looking for that engagement and validation.

10. Maybe there’s a question you wish had been on here. What’s that question (and answer)?

What's something you've been excited about/feeling good about recently with your writing? One thing I will mention is that a few days ago I went back and read a bunch of free writing exercises I did for a class last semester that i hadn't looked at since - I had completely forgotten about most of them, but when I read them again the majority of them were so good! It kind of bolstered my confidence that I had that kind of quality output from 10-minute warmups where I wasn't thinking too hard. Like, even though I haven't written much lately, I still know how to write!!

Not tagging anyone specific, just whoever want to do it because I am too tired to think and decide :)

[emotionallyattachednerd]

𓆩 Progress + Life Update 𓆪

Evening beautiful goblins!

Hope everyone is doing well nearing the end of this year, which by the way is completely inase just how quick it's gone by. Seriously, it feels like it was only April last week. 😲

Giving a small update where I am with my requests and writing. Again, I'm sorry for the delay, its taking me much longer to finish requests than I had anticipated. Lately I've been staring at the screen thinking hard over scenarios for each one, before realising I have been staring for like a hour and I haven't writen any of that wicked shit down, like I just thought magic fairies were going to come along to write them all out from my head. 🧚

It all comes to that I'm unmotivaed to write, I'm too tired, or I'm distracted doing other things in my life. There's never enough time for everything sadly. Just have to plot along as the days pass. 👍

On top of all that, I'm currently looking after a orphan joey ( wallaby ) which I use to do years before, than this chance came to me again, and it's been a wild ride with the little girl, very active and never likes being alone, something I'm working on so I can release her when she's old enough. 🦘

Below is where I am with requests. 📝

⬇️ Writing Requests Queue ⬇️

Progeny | TP Soundwave x f!human reader ✔️

Firefly | RotB Bumblebee x f!human reader ✔️

Stress Release | IDW Rodimus x f!robot reader ✔️

Only Human | TP Ratchet x f!human reader ✔️

The Beasts Rabbit | TP Predaking x f!robot reader ✔️

Pet Play | TP Predaking x f!human reader ✔️

Speed of Light | TP Smokescreen x f!human reader ✔️

Hot Delight | IDW Rodimus x m!robot reader ✔️

Seeker Allure Part 2 | Starscream x Skywarp x Nova Storm x f!robot reader ✔️

Eternal Soul | IDW Rodimus x f!human reader ✔️

Darkness Lust | IDW Helex x f!robot reader ✔️

Zesty | TP Bumblebee x f!robot reader ✍️

Yearning | RotB Mirage x f!robot reader ✍️

On Break | IDW Starscream x f!robot reader ✍️

Nutrients | IDW Megatron x f!robot reader ✍️

Sweet Honey | G1 Bumblebee x f!robot reader ✍️

I'm hoping to get them finished before Christmas/New Year. After that I plan to keep requests closed for a short time so I can focus on some of my own wips that have been sitting around for months, and finally update another story on Ao3 which is well over due for that.

That's all for now. Fingers crossed I can do more progress this week. A million times over again, thank you all for oyur beautiful support and kind feedback. I love this community! ❤️

[tired-biscuit]

I hope you’re doing okay after all the flagging has been going on 🤍 You deserve better! You mentioned things in your personal life are rough, so I hope you can still use writing as an outlet or as something enjoyable when you’re ready to again.

Sending good vibes to you biccy 🥺🤍

thank you, i appreciate you for reaching out.

mild trauma dump under the cut, feel free to not click cos the last thing i want is to make people sad.

to be completely honest with you, i haven't been doing okay as of late. i found out that my oldest sister has cancer and ngl it's been hard. coping with the knowledge of her having it alone has been hard. finding out just a while ago that it got worse has been ever harder. i'm scared for her, and for my mom, and my entire family. i feel lost and helpless because i can't do anything other than worry and provide a shoulder to cry on.

i'm just confused. tired.

logging on here and writing silly little drabbles and answering asks and playing ask games and reblogging amazing art and fics and whatnot has helped me not think about it as much. idk who understands when i say that i love to write so much; it's insane how much i love to do it. i put so much effort and time into it that i cherish my stories deeply even if i sometimes don't like them all that much. i put my heart into them even if it's smut, ya know??

so idk, i guess that's the reason as to why i've taken this entire thing to heart so much. i'm sensitive atm enough as it is and it was basically the last straw. it feels like someone is actively trying to chase me away from the platform and it hurts. it makes me feel like i should just stick to writing for myself and not share my stories anymore. it makes me even more tired than i already am.

idk i guess i'm just disappointed that my corner of the web has been tarnished. all i wanted to do was to write and obsessively simp over a measly side character from naruto that almost nobody cares about. the fact that someone repeatedly feels the need to basically shadowban my writings (cos let's be honest, a community label literally stops almost all interaction with your post) has just put me at my lowest cos even this place has become ruined for me now as a result.

whatever, ik it's a silly thing to fuss about but i care about it........ anyways, i'm sorry for putting all of this here, i just had to let it out, but you don't even have to respond cos i know it's heavy and depressing.

thank u again <3

[yulikitsune]

Oh boy… Here we go… "Oh look! Another entitled trans streamer bitching about Twitch! What a shocker! Quick! Let's make fun of her in the comments and call her names and slurs!" Yeah, yeah, get your insults out now. Okay… Ya done? Awesome. Okay, so this is the first time I have ever written a full script for something like this, but trust me, this is going to likely contain a lot of rambling and nonsense. And yeah, I'm gonna bitch about something, and it's going to sound like I'm entitled, but I need to vent my frustrations for a little bit and I want the world to hear what I am going through. So… To start out, hi, I'm Yulikitten, and I am a trans streamer. That word, "trans" is likely a red flag for all of you, and yeah, I can predict the "you'll never be a woman," or the "attack helicopter," or the "40 percent jokes" from a mile away. This shit is nothing new to me and I persist despite those jokes. Like, I'm not going to disappear just because you use a lot of anti-trans jokes and rhetoric against me. And yes, I have been called a groomer before. I have heard it all and I've dealt with it all.

So… I'm a streamer who's been struggling for a little while now. For now, I think it could just be Twitch's algorithm being dog shit, or my shockingly ordinary life that has no flavor leading me to being a boring conversationalist. That could be it, or I'm just playing vidya games wrong. It could be a number of factors, but the point is, I have been struggling. A lot. Struggling to gain followers, struggling to gain subs, struggling to hold a conversation, etc, etc. You name it, and I'm probably struggling with it. Am I boring? Yeah, definitely. Absolutely, 100%. I also try to be VERY nice on stream. Like… Very nice. I've delved into the realm of toxicity before, trust me. However it doesn't work. I should know. I tried that shit. No results, and in fact, I've lost followers over being toxic. Therefore I don't do it anymore. Now, with as of this writing 1323 followers, you may be thinking, "wow! You're still doing better than 95% of the platform, and you're acting… ENTITLED?!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU STUPID CU-" and yeah, I agree. I am acting entitled and I know it. But that's not gonna stop me from ranting about my numbers.

I know I'm mediocre. I know I suck. I know I'm terrible. I've been told that my entire life. I act like an asshole because finally SOMETHING SEEMED to be going my way, but as of late, it's been feeling more like things haven't gone my way and it sucks. A good thing was happening to me, and I am suddenly finding myself in a spiraling decline. Now, I'm not here to spill my guts about how I need you all to feel sorry for me. Shit has been difficult my entire life. I'm used to, and am tired of being pitied. I'm tired of being treated like a fucking loser and a failure. So… It's my goal to get… Living comfortably enough from livestreaming and to not have to work a real labor job. I know that's asking for a lot, and it is.

The core of my rant today is to just spill my guts about my low viewership numbers and my lower follower gain. I know every streamer faces this kind of thing. It's not unique to me, and it won't ever be unique to me. I've been noticing this decline since April. I've poured over my data and have deduced that since I stopped playing Guilty Gear Strive, a game that I love but am taking an extended hiatus from due to hypernatremia. In other words, Guilty Gear was pissing me off and I've been avoiding it. Street Fighter 6, as of late, is likely going to end up the same way, if I'm being honest. I think the core of my decline is probably linked to the platform itself and the fact that I do so much better with an active chat. I love talking to my community, but when my community doesn't talk to me… Well, I get tight-lipped and I genuinely can't help it. This isn't a uniquely me issue, either.

I think I just suck at streaming, and I need to get better at it. I need to get better at editing, marketing, etc. I want to do streaming and content creation full-time and I feel like shit for not being able to make it happen after two years. I feel depressed and not worthy of anything, despite my community telling me otherwise, and I know… I know that other content creators are going to call me out for this post. I know they will. Moist Critikal will, and he's going to make fun of me and I don't blame him. I just… I need to get this off my chest that I feel like an absolute loser and a failure and I wish I just didn't feel that way.

I'm not asking you to just drop everyone and go follow me on Twitch. I'm not going to ask that people subscribe. This is just a rant to vent my frustrations and feelings. I need to get this into a tangible form before I fucking explode. Consider this… A publicly available diary entry that everyone can read!

Anyway… Follow me if you want to, I don't blame you if you don't. Link is in the post.

PS. I'm considering streaming on Kick. I don't want to because it has a huge Nazi problem, but I've been looking at Twitch taking L after L, and it's looking very tempting. Well… That's it. See ya