#sorry i am not immune to hot cat lady

[floralovebot]

so like,, hypothetically,,, if one wanted to do a deep dive into spider-man comics and specifically peter comics,,,, what would one read,,,,

[gayspock]

okay girlies trek movie marathon ahead go go go we're starting with the final frontier

so to set the mood its 10am and i have hot cocoa (fancy one i got for chrismas + marshmallows (vegan ones i got for chrismas)

goodness fucking gracious they really put the budget into this one again didnt they. i mean i know they do for the trek movies in general in comparison to the shows but fuck me this feels like a step up even from tvh

okay girlie pops lets do therapy in the desert . practice mindfulness with me really think about the sand on your feet ow hot hot hot

i wish someone would do this to me to be honest i take the piss but cant some beardy vulcan cunt come up to me and chat about starships and the whatnot

ISNT THIS SYBOK BTW. spocks first retroactively added sibling. btw i wont share how much i hate that fucking choice in so many ways and how theyve done it fucking twice n- sorry seeing red breathe deep. hesgot a good presence t-

AHRHGHGH OGUGHHFHFUAHDHHGF FUCK I FORGOT THE TREK THEME DOOO DODODOOO DOOOD OOO MY PUSSSYYYYYYYYYY SOAKEDDDDDDDDD SHES MAKING THE SAME NOISE SH oh christ i took that one too farback up back up

i sometimes think theres no way ppl read these lbs but if theres one person there hi the credits are rolling

guys the hot cocoa is making my tummy hurt btw but that might also be okay so i got this vegan kebab meat and i didnt know you meant to cook it so i ate the whole pack raw and it was already expired but its like vegan so it cant like be like meat levels of insanity right..... right like im not getting worms am i its. uhm. whatever guys hesclimbing

wheres he going .

dude

th

I SAW CLIPS OF KIRK CLIMBING UP THIS BIG FUCK OFF MOUNTAIN BEFORE AND I KNEW BILLY SHITSTER PUT THIS IN TO WANK HIMSELF OFF BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE A PLOT RELEVANT SCENE WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE CUNT IS JUST DOING IT FOR THE JOKES

THERES NO WAY THIS IS SO FUNNY . KIRK COME BACK DOWN FROM THERE

hi bones- OH MY GODDDDD HIS CUTE LITTLE JACKET HES SO CUTEEEEEEAND HIS LITTLE SCARFFFFF

PUT THIS CUNT RIGHT ONTO YOUR PINTEREST BOARDS LADY HES-

okay ffucking hell the way william shatner still says "spock" i forgot it was like that

"1200 points of interest in yosemite and you pick me" right i forgot they were like that

his spoots.........

that made me laugh i wont even lie the way the cunt just feel

can we get a close up on the dancer cat woman please just for uhm my own . purposes interests i dont - OH HERE WE GO- THREE TITS?

WHOS THIS GIRLBOSS

CAITLYN KATELYN KAITLYN whichever its spelled- also romulan??? i assume that there's been some cultural mingling but imagine if you met a fucking cunt from mars called Sarah.

anyway shes beautiful as hell . for what reason.

seriously the dusty desert planet in scifi they all look the same its so funny

right the prblem is syboks actor is charming as all hell. fucking divert that smoldering gaze i feel fucking weird as hell

OUGHHH SCOTTYYYYYY HII BABYYYYY CAKESOUGHGHH HI ENTERPRISE OHHHHH HIIII UHURAAAA

oh my god she looks so good she LOOKS SO GOOD ... ahh nichelle 3: ... shes got such a good onscreen presence though man HELL its a shame they didnt utilise her more earlier

okay so they decided to put them together i forgot about that im not mad i gues

sulu and chekov hi guys theyre just vibing in the woods HI GUYS SORRY IM NOT IMMUNE TO NOSTALGI AND SEEING MY FAVOURITE GUYS

GUYSSSSS CAN WE ALL BE NICIESSSSS

"ive always known i'll die alone" ALRIGHT GIRL...

this is actually so cute i wont even lie im not endeared im not (is endeared) theyre on freaking holiday together

MARSHMELLON

SPOCK THEY ARENT VEGETARIAN

except for mineeeee that i have om nom nom

afterthe ritual camp sing along we all have insane freaky gay sex onscreen for the rest of the movie. its normal. it would also be less gay than them singng row row your boat like this

im absolutely ctazy for the sfx in this movie like it feels like half of them are pretty solid but theres just random bits that look so janky this is exactly how i want my star trek i wont even lie to you

also i cant tell if this klingon part is meant to have subtitles or not

ok i found the script online + im following along iwth that LOL ... i guess it makes SENSE why the actual subtitles arent like on the video itself but its still funny

sorry to be crass but i know someone somewhere has edited this to say spock (goes off to do that)

the way it takes me 10 million years to watch a movie you have to understand theres sidequests in every movie for me to do

GOD....

THE UNIFORM JACKET WITH THE JEANS THIS IS EVERYTHING TO ME. ABSOLUTE SLAG MOVES. COME ON SERVE ME CAKE CASUAL STYLE

i love it when the enterprise is busted to be honest its so good i hate functional ships i love it when theyre breaking- fuck me i wanna relisten to wolf 359

i already know the plot twist of that being his brother but its very fucking funny nonetheless that spock just sees his broth-

UI WASL

I WASLITERALLY JUSY ABOUT TO SAY THAT ITS VERY FUNNY WHEN SPOCK SEES HIS BROTHER AND IS DEAD SILENT LIKE "THATS SO ME AND MY BROTHER WE DONT NEED TO TALK LIKE THAT"

AND THEN MY BROTHER DEAD SILENT PUSHES A BIRTHDAY CARD UNDER MY DOOR. THROIWING UP. COSMIC TIMING THANKS BUD

by the way ive actually heard a lot of bad things about this movie and im absolutely agreed that this is corny as fuck but frankly when it comes to tos movies... im actually on board if its corny, even if the story might suck in the end. i mean granted- im hardly into the meat-meat of the movie yet. i dont doubt people slate it for NOTHING, and i presume i'll understand the problems better the more i watch (after all i am already kind of irritated with syboks existence even if i do quite like the actors vibe) but its like... hm how do i put this...

im not actually ever against, like, "nostalgia bait" stuff , i guess, and having fun with things if its kinda a) self aware enough and b) well earned. does that make sense? if it isnt taking itself too seriously and bigging itself up in a dramatic way, AND there's a solid foundation to actually have fun with then im okay with a movie that kind of only spins on the funnier, more casual moments and is somewhat self-indulgent in terms of how it panders to fans with, like, showing them all having fun camping .

the issue for me is when its either, as i said, unearned or trying to take itself too seriously... or maybe, like, when it does veer too close to flanderisation or even just spinning the wheels on the characters. its why i think a lot of chibnall doctor who doesnt realyl work when its trying tobe "fun" or "goof off with the fam" like... you guys never really did the legwork to establish these characters well enough to have that, you know?

and im not saying tos has marvellous character work- we can be honest, and say that outside of the triumvirate theyre all over the place- but i do think theyre solid enough to crry and im well okay with that yeah?

and anyway thats all to say. ive known too many pretentious types disavow all sorts of media that does kind of act a bit self-indulgent or does something fun/stupid and i dont know man i do agree in many ways but also, like, entertainment is sometimes meant to be entertaining and its hardly the worst ever if a star trek movie just fucks about a bit instead of doing some epic space opera every single time, nor does it ruin the entire franchise or work that came before it. its why i really fucking rate the voyage home- because it lets itself take the time, take the breather after the other three movies. like i understand if it does purposefully undermine something else but like... i dont know i feel like some people ironically have such a shallow mindset sometimes where theyre likt, fucking hell, its the death of all media because they were silly 1 time and did something a bit funny/had fun (esp if it isnt just to their tasts)

(adnd yeah its also like... i dont know you know osme ppl who seem to have 0 media awareness in terms of like.. yeah man you can wax pretentious gobshite all you want but also its star trek man and thats not to belittle the franchise in any way but also manage expectations of what youre going to be consuming AND also realise that its not BAD that not everything is, like, you know some high calibre art and that actually that diversity in art is kinda better for your media diet tbh like they all serve a diff purpose like- you know so unrelated its also like im sorry it reminds me of all the discourse around knives out and the such and people not taking that movie into context and whatever the fuck or ALSO how im watching bsg lright now and i know im tempering my expectations interms of what that will deliver, what it will do and even further than that the actual politics)

( BC THAT ALSOOO is a whole other thing im so off topic here where its like im obbiously not talking about genuinely harmful media here but ive seen some ppl online kind of assume that media has to cater to their exact political alignment or else it isnt good and its like i absolutely agree you can analyse/dissect that and with bsg i do sort of like look at it and think well are we being serious with what we're doing here but also like eh shrug its kinda weird when you go in with the intention that apiece of art has to come to your exact own personal conclusions about the world by the end of it do you know what i mean . like i dont even mean tht in terms of like.. trying to defend things, but i mean that in terms of your own personal growth and open mindedness and appreciation for others' worldvew... anyways im so off topic im so so off topic this is literally the final fontirer 1989 here)

anyway im like

IM THE WORST IM RAMBLING LIKE THIS WHEN IVE BATRELY WATCHED THE MOVIE BC LOL #ANNOYING WHEN THIS ISNT EVEN RELATEDDDDDD

my point is i feel like what ive seen so faris kinda fun and the dialogue though corny and whatnot has made me smile enough that i feel like if this is gonna be sustained throughout im not gonna be mad if the overall plot does suck which idk is contrary to what i thought before i started bc ive heard such bad things about this one

which hey i guess theres other stuff behind that too because going back to that self-indulgent part.... it is obvious billy shits is, as i said, having a long self pleasure session . i also know theres other problems there tbh too-yeah...

ANYWAYS

can someone edit in them kicking their legs and giggling 👆

OK I SAID ALL I SAID ABOVE BUT THE UHURA SCENE WAS THAT ONE NECESSAY GUYSSSSSSS

also my god i eed to stop pausing ive been watching for almost 2 hours and im 40 minutes in thats so fucking funny

sybok: "ok but dude i didnt want anyone to dieeeee i was joking"DUDE PLEASE

the catgirl is feral i repeat the catgirl is feral

oh so it turns out the hostages are rather cheeky

WHY DID THEY HAVE TO CHANGE THEM OUT OF THEIR GOOD OUTFITS UGHHH BOOOOOO LOSERS BOOOO at least sybok is slaying does he have long hair? i do like that; i do appreciate that

"which will take...?" "exactly 15.5 seconds" "AN ETERNITY, DURING WHICH-"

I GET WHAT THEY MEAN BUT LOL

can i also say i think i said this when watching bsg but i love how many scifi ships have a lets fuck off really fast mode. its so fuckinh funny.

YHE GIRLS ARE FIGHTTIGNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG

"PICK IT UP" I LIKE HOW HE HAD TO BE TOLD.

AND SYBOK IS LIKE BE SERIOUS I KNOW YOU ARENT GOING TO D- SHOOT HIM? KIRK. BE SERIOUS . HE WONT DO THAT

KIRK YOU BEST NOT BE GOING INTO A STROP LEAVE SPOCK ALONE WILL E VERYONE LEAVE SPOCK THE FUCK ALONE

can i also say . sarek is a right fucking whore. how many wives did he have . like after amanda how many human women did he go through exactly

okay so round about this point i got distracted for another half fucking hour guys its so ufnny how long it takes me to watxh movies

THE WAY THEY JUST KNOCKED SCOTTY OUT. COME ON GUYS HELP

jim being tired climbing up when he literally beasted that mountain come on behave

THE SPOOTS ARE MAKING ME GIGGLE SO BADLY sorry.

the way they all got on together.... please... i will say BOTH times ive expected spock to straight up bridal carry kirk somehow

also i will say god . throwback to pk wars; im still laughing at how farscape presented the eidelons as, like, the answer to peace when its literally brainwashing just like this and its totally unacknowledged. anyways

WHY ARE WE GIVING BONES DADDY ISSUES

THIS IS SO FUNNY ACTUALLY

IM UNDERSTANDING MORE WHY THIS MOVIE IS DRAGGED BUT I CANT EVEN HATE IT ITS FUNNY TO ME BONES WE'RE GIVING YOU THERAPY TONIGHT

its so funny with bones they just give some random horrors to him whenever the fuck you know and then its never brought up again god love god bless

sarek can be so....

sarek can be so funny im sorry i know this isnt the time im watching him reject infant spock but do you remember in tng when he and picard were... well... they were well acquainted pen pals werent they if you understand me . its like hes a whore . hes a terrible father. hes like the worst. but hes kinda funny sometimes.

OKAY SPOCK SLAYED THAT GET HIS ASS

BONES LOYAL TO THE BESTIES

igotdistractedgaian guys btw this is so bd its like 1pm i started this at 10am but do you know what i need some new shoesso i needed to go find some and research do you know what i mean

i focus now i focus

THE GANG MEETS GOD. WHY NOT.

i always find it outrageously funny whenever they meet god or go to eden in sci fi . beyond hysterical. why not guys hes just been chilling somewhere why not babes .

KIRK BEING LIKE EXCUSE ME ☝️🤨...?

SORRY THATS SO FUNNY . HEY GOD. EXCUSIES. SCUSIES. [GETS HIS TITS BLASTED OFF]

thats funny as fuck

AGAIN IM SEEING MORE AND MORE WHY THIS IS CLOWNED ON THIS IS RANDOM AS ALL HELL BUT ITS FUNNY AND SO INCOHERENT AND THE PACING IS ALL OVER . GOD BLESS THIS MESS

"but captain we're firing directly on your position" can you have a little fucking fun for once chekov light it up bitch

HE SAID OOIEEE YEOWCH

woah he said damn... he said damnnnn

are you about to say sorryyyyyyyyyy

THATS SO FUNNY

THE KLINGON GUY JSUST SAID SOWWWWYYYY I WONT DO IT AGAIN BWAA..... THATSSO FUCKING FUNNY

GOD

YOU WERE NEVER ALONE... DUMBASSS.

PLEASE CAPTAIN. NOT IN FRONT OF THE KLINGONS FUCKING HELL. GAY ASS

"i lost a brother once. i was lucky i got him bakc" you guys remember when kirk actually lost his brother like hsi real life brother who died

OUGHGHH OH MY GOD THEIR OUTFITS BY THE CAMPFIRE YESSSSSSSSS

CANT WE GET JUST A MOVIE OF THEM CAMPING SORRY THIS WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE MOVIE LIKE THE REST OF IT WAS DEAD BUT I RATE IT FOR ROW ROW YOUR BOAT

HELP...

OKAY THATS OVER

SALUTATIONS I NEED TO TAKE ABREATHER BUT THEN WE'RE ONTO UNCANNY COUNTY

[astaldis]

Witcher Wheel of the Year - Yule

@witcherwheeloftheyear

Words: 1,885 Chapters: 1/4

Characters: Emiel Regis Rohellec Terzieff-Godefroy, Jaskier | Dandelion, Cahir Mawr Dyffryn aep Ceallach, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Maria Barring | Milva, Angoulême (The Witcher), Fringilla Vigo, The Hansa | Geralt's Company Members (The Witcher)

Additional Tags: Yule, Presents, Surprises, Friendship, breakfast in Beauclair, Toussaint (The Witcher), Echoes, Suspension, straw, Holly, Unexpected Guest, Chains, Cake, gift wrapped, A Witcher Wheel of the Year Challenge 2023, Humour

Summary: Another festive event is coming up in Toussaint and Jaskier has the perfect idea for how to celebrate it with his Hansa. He only needs to convince Geralt and the others that his idea for their Yule party will be fun, lots of fun.

Written for The Witcher Wheel of the Year Challenge - Yule

(Set during "Lady of the Lake" while the Hansa is wintering in Toussaint, between chapter 3 and chapter 4. But you don't need to have read the books to enjoy the story.)

Chapter 1: An Unexpected Visit

"Ah, dear company, good morning!" Jaskier exclaims, swinging the door wide open with a flourish. "I knew I'd still find you breakfasting here in this cosy little kitchen of yours! It's only half past eleven, after all, the perfect time for this earliest of daily meals. Even Geralt and the Lady Fringilla are here. I am in luck!" He intones the last four words while waving his hat about, then he bows to Fringilla with a grin.

"Look who the cat dragged in. Jaskier, the Duchess's famous poet in the flesh. What do we owe your unexpected visit to?" Geralt asks ironically. The bard is here with the rest of the Hansa far less often than he and Fringilla, and whenever he does find his way down to the kitchens, it means— "Jaskier, you don't want us to take part in one of your inane festivities again?" Geralt looks sharply at his old friend, furling his eyebrows with suspicion.

"You did have tons of fun at the Fall Masquerade, old grumpy, like everybody else, didn't you? Admit it! And this will be fun, too, you'll see." Grinning broadly, Jaskier flops down on a free chair. "I promise, it'll be just the six of us and Fringilla this time," he adds before Geralt can raise any objections. "A very low key celebration. Some delicious traditional food and drink, a tiny bit of season decorations, the music fitting for the event, of course - and a nice surprise present for everybody."

"A surprise?" Angoulême pricks up her ears. "I love surprises! And presents!" She puts down her mug with hot cocoa and beams at the bard, her upper lip adorned with a moustache of brown chocolate. "What kind of surprise, n'uncle? When will I get mine? Is it a new, extra-sharp dagger? Or a bottle of cask strength whiskey? Can I have my present now?" She looks at the bard with big wide eyes.

"Not so fast, little miss nosiness," Jaskier smiles, totally immune to the girl's Puss-in-Boots expression. "And you cannot have it now, sorry. If I told you what it is, it wouldn't be much of a surprise, would it? Anyhow, I have no idea myself what will be your present as it's not I who chooses the gifts, but you!"

"We? Do you expect us to go shopping for presents?" Cahir asks sceptically. "You are aware that - unlike you - most of us don't have any money, not a single floren."

"Money, who's talking about money, friend? Be a bit more creative!" Jaskier says enthusiastically. "Let your imagination soar! Only the sky's the limit, as you all should know! Money!" he rolls his eyes exaggeratedly.

"Then what, bard, if we don't buy the gifts?" Milva asks irritatedly. "Can you speak plainly so that a simple girl from the forest can understand what this is about?"

"Sorry, dear Milva, I apologise most humbly for my lofty choice of words. But I am a poet, after all, heart and soul. However, it's not difficult at all. Actually, it's easy as pie and a piece of cake. We will make the presents ourselves." 

Continue reading on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51673288

[keeyo7]

Hey everyone! I hope you’re all doing well! So I was tagged by a bunch of wonderful people to shuffle my music and post the ten songs I get, but I’ve been fixing my music and I’m not done but decided it was time haha. I’m sorry I took so long! Thank you so much @mi-corazon @eckspress @ilyzuh @islandry @cultivate--saplings @maybememoriesx @bouncing-flowers @a-pyre-of-doom @cdeadgrl-sampson @moonbeatss @m3zzamorphic @kittyterror @infinitepii and @cittaly! I definitely went overboard to make it up to you all and shuffled my library to get the first 200 songs that showed up haha

Son- Warpaint

Your Heart is a Muscle- Carly Rae Jepsen

Bad Religion- Frank Ocean

Family and Friends- Russ

Breathe Me- Sia

Opps- Vince Staples

Planet Luxury- Jeff Rosenstock

Benadryl Dreams- Soccer Mommy

Between the Bars- The Civil Wars

Death by Numbers- Childish Gambino

Cooler Than Me- Mike Posner

Smoke Break- Chance the Rapper

26- Paramore

Miles and Miles- Bas

Dreams Money Can Buy- Drake

Cyan- Ellie Goulding

Who Am I(What’s My Name)?- Snopp Dogg

Angry White Boy Polka- Weird Al

Drops of Jupiter- Boyce Avenue

Castle on a Cloud-Les Mis Soundtrack

My Immortal (Live)- Evanescence

Fuck the Fans- Bomb the Music Industry

Jungle King- Cab Calloway

Delicious- Charli XCX

Waiting Room- Logic

Privilege- The Weeknd

Come Round Soon- Sara Bareilles

Ya Know- Odd Future

ATM- J Cole

Luck Be a Lady- Frank Sinatra

Designer- Bas

First Love/ Late Spring- Mitski

Ghosts- Florence + The Machine

On My Way- Foxes

YOLO- The Lonely Island

I’m Tall Enough- Bobs Burgers Soundtrack

Hell- Foo Fighters

Bottoms Up- Trey Songz

Flaw- Soccer Mommy

0.00- Childish Gambino

Back to You- Russ

Pussy Fairy- Jhene Aiko

Gold Dust Woman- Fleetwood Mac

No Friend- Paramore

Can’t Get Enough- J Cole

Some People- Dan Mangan

ILY2- Charlie XCX

Razor- Foo Fighters

The Loophole- Garfunkel and Oates

Here It Comes- Colleen Green

I Gotta Go Places and Do Things- Cab Calloway

Mr. Hollywood- Joji

Heart Eyes- The Pat Pats/ Peach Kelli Pop

Fisherman- Adventure Time Soundtrack

Angel- The Weeknd

Too Much- Drake

Ignorance- Paramore

I Need a Doctor- Dr. Dre

All Falls Down- Kanye West

Little Weapon- Lupe Fiasco

Shameless- The Weeknd

Say You’re Sorry- Sara Bareilles

Da Ding Ding- Bobs Burgers Soundtrack

Superstar Lasy- T-Pain

Immune- gobbinjr

Be Alone- Paramore

Earned It- The Weeknd

On a Plain- Nirvana

Plush (Acoustic)- Stone Tenple Pilots

Mary Ann- Meg & Dia

Emily in Half- Laura Stevenson

Score Tonight- Grease 2 Soundtrack

Don’t Panic- Ellie Goulding

Angels Like You- Miley Cyrus

GP4- Logic

Overstimulated- Jhene Aiko

Caretaker- Laura Stevenson

Like That- Doja Cat

Between the Lines- Sara Bareilles

Psilocisyn (Love in Full Effect)- Jhene Aiko

Let Her Go- Boyce Avenue

Pull the Plug- I Prevail

The Last Great Star in Hollywood- Meg & Dia

Self Esteem- Garfunkel and Oates

Till Dawn (Here Comes the Sun)- The Weeknd

What I’ve Done- Linkin Park

Bizzy- Chris Farren

Fire- Sara Bareilles

Die Hard/ Working Girl the Musical- Bobs Burgers Soundtrack

From Where New Songs Arose- Warpaint

Dadbod- Logic

Honey- Peach Kelli Pop

To Live a Life- First Aid Kit

Freddy My Love- Grease Soundtrack

Animal- Olivia Olson

Blue- First Aid Kid

Can’t Decide- Amine

Why We Ever- Hayley Williams

Lionheart- Demi Lovato

No More ?s- Eazy-E

Nowhere- Olivia Olson

Wills of the River- First Aid Kit

Wrong Feels So Right- Carly Rae Jepsen

Ocean Avenue- Yellowcard

Another is Waiting- The Avery Brothers

Breed- Nirvana

Suite-Pee- System of a Down

Eazy Duz It- Eazy-E

Monster- Meg & Dia

Hell of a Ride- Bo Burnham

Old Times Sake- Charlie Worsham

The Bakery- Melanie Martinez

Bad Kids- Lady Gaga

Blue- Beyoncé

Sweetest Girl- Boyce Avenue

Can’t Stop the Feeling- Boyce Avenue

Vasoline- Stone Temple Pilots

Right Now(Na Na Na)- Akon

Set Fire to the Rain- Adele

Scream It Out- Ellie Goulding

Self Love- Dreamville

Tell Your Friends- The Weeknd

Hello Kitty Knife- Peach Kelli Pop

I Wish It Were Christmas Today- Chris Farren

Colors- Halsey

I Don’t Wanna Die- Jeff Rosenstock

Jealous- Beyoncé

Bay to LA- Lil Debbie

Drummy Song- Florence + The Machine

I Don’t Love You Anymore- Bomb the Music Industry

Wedding Crashers- Amine

Back to Boston- Connor Zwetsch

Panchito Blues 1- Peach Kelli Pop

Nuclear Seasons- Charli XCX

Helpless- Hamilton Soundtrack

Flewed Out- City Girls

Bleed It Out- Linkin Park

Face to Face- Daft Punk

Bad Girls- Bobs Burgers Soundtrack

New Years Eve- First Aid Kit

The Night Santa Went Crazy- Weird Al

Love Galore- SZA

Starlight- Mario

No Memory- Stone Temple Pilots

Sports Go Sports- Garfunkel and Oates

Buzzin- Amine

Midnight- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Up Up Away- Dreamville

Lay Back, Arms Out- Laura Stevenson

Believe Me- Ellie Goulding

Still Dreamin- Dreamville

We in This Bitch- Iggy Azalea

Shine- Doja Cat

On the Mend- Foo Fighters

Rich Man- Vampire Weekend

Ricochet- Bas

Right Words Wrong Time- Carly Rae Jepsen

Let Me Love You- Ariana Grande

Which Witch- Florence + The Machine

Till the End- Logic

Name- Boyce Avenue

Loosie- Earl Sweatshirt

Highway Unicorn- Lady Gaga

Act Up- City Girls

What Would You Do?- Cabaret Soundtrack

Automatically in Love- Carly Rae Jepsen

3am- Halsey

Dreams- Dia Lipa

Halloween Mask- Peach Kelli Pop

Primadonna- Marina

74- Earl Sweatshirt

New Balance- Jhene Aiko

It Ain’t Me- Boyce Avenue

Soldier Side Intro- System of a Down

you should see me in a crown- Billie Eillish

Another Round- Foo Fighters

Creep- Stone Temple Pilots

Weeds- Marina

Song For the Late Night People- Kate Micucci

Give a Little Bit- Boyce Avenue

Honking Antelope- Serj Tankian

Face Down- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Anyone Else But You- The Moldy Peaches

You Got It- Pitch Perfecf Soundtrack

My Hero- Foo Fighters

Hard to Concentrate- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Hello, Goodbye- The Beatles

Notebook- Melanie Martinez

Miracle- Paramore

Pimp Juice- Nelly

Planning My Death- Bomb the Music Industry

Goin Crazy- Natalie

Burn- Usher

How Deep is Your Love- Bee Gees

Breaking the Girl- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Secretly- Jennifer Lopez

Cheer Up Boys Your Makeup is Running- Foo Fighters

Between the Lines- Colleen Green

Anklebiters- Paramore

Hold Me- Haim

For the people I tag you only have to do 10 if you choose to do this tag haha. I tag @mysticbride @mindxfreak @bunnpufffs @hylia-rose @kkiska @voodoo-mama-joojoo @amessofwild-flowers @976-evil @tequilaxxxo @spewkyghoul @katyheb @eldolormasbonito @mulatto-baby @sleepingongodstits @infinitewake @heyitsish @lovelexi @ovsilenceandblack @princess-aries @cynisterrrr @mvri-vnvv @meximiri @do-we-really-exist @underdog-x-risingup @dead-and-hungry @sludgeem @olvidame @kn1fe-gf @millievanilly @poptarttree @thewanderingscribe @crystal-scenery @w4sted @rikoxxlv @ishaaaa @harsh-times and anyone else who wants to do this. No pressure as always :)

[beatricethecat2]

if/then (2.0) - 25

Sorry this has taken ages to finish, but I needed extra time to shape it into a form that made sense. Also, the world itself continues to astound in how absurd it’s being, so everything is taking it's time to make sense again (or not). Back to this chapter, there's a little review built in so I won’t bother with it here. Also, I’m excited to confidently say there is one more chapter of this (!) and then it’s done! One more big plot point to cover, and then they can finally be happy together. Thanks for still reading! And as always, typos are all mine, I’ll fix them later (edited 12/19). For previous chapters, look in my archive or on AO3 (look up beatricethecat) since Tumblr hates links these days. Also, more notes at the end.

/////////////////////

"I'm hungry," Christina says.

"Me, too," Myka agrees.

"I saw sandwiches in the lobby."

"We'll get some after we meet whoever's here."

Myka knocks on a door, one she assumes an undercover Interpol officer is waiting behind, at the hotel where Morgana dropped them off. Myka takes hold of Christina's hand as the peephole lifts and the handle clicks.

"Get in here!" a voice bellows as the door swings open.

"Aunt Claudia!" Christina yanks her hand free and runs in, nearly toppling Claudia over as she tackles her.

Claudia swings Christina around, spinning them further into the room.

Myka can hardly believe her eyes. A flutter of hope rises in her chest for the first time in ages.

Claudia lifts Christina's arms above her head and wiggles them. "You're all stretched out! What happened?"

"I grew a bunch!" Christina yelps, then giggles, the sound harkening back to their less fraught days in New York.

"Man, you got heavy, too," Claudia says, lifting Christina off the floor as she scoops her into another hug.

Myka drags their bags in and closes the door, watching from the entryway as Christina steps back and twirls for Claudia.

"What'd H.G. feed this kid?"

"Maybe it's the mountain air," Myka says.

"Huh. You were right?"

"Uh-huh. Nobody filled you in?"

"Negative. All Our Lady of Brevity said was to hightail it here."

"We’ve got so much to tell you." Myka says, stepping closer to Claudia, offering herself up for a hug that Claudia readily accepts. "I'm really, really glad you're here."

*

"Damnit, H.G.!" Claudia snarls quietly, so as not to wake a post-lunch, napping Christina. "All those years, right under my nose…" Her eyes go distant while processing Myka's revelations as if lost in transgressions of the past. "But getting deported on purpose? Dude, I just can't." She shakes her head and frowns.

"Be mad later, because we need to fix this, fast. She needs her mother back." Myka glances at Christina.

"Can't Babezilla wave a magic wand and tell the cops it's above their pay grade?"

"I already asked. She can't trust them. And if she outs herself, her whole operation might crumble."

"Who cares? We just want H.G. back."

"It could make things worse for us, because somehow that's possible," Myka says. "We want Helena cleared, so we need Morgana as an ally. Remember how well it went when we were on our own?"

Claudia's shoulders sag. "So, we're screwed either way."

"Not if we can prove Helena and I were caught in the crossfire of something larger."

"Ok!" Claudia claps hands together and rubs them back and forth. "How do we that?"

"I don't know."

"Let's lay out the facts," Claudia says, leaning back in her chair. "H.G. gets deported. Then Mrs. F. drops the bomb that you're being sacrificed to keep MacPherson in jail. H.G.'s forced to feed you info, but her hands are tied otherwise. So she calls the Ice Queen and is like, 'Bro, help me, Mrs. Frederic's being sketchy as hell.' They hatch a plan to smack Mrs. F on the knuckles and cross their fingers it will work."

"That's…weirdly accurate."

"If H.G. hadn't butted in, what would have happened?"

"According to Morgana, I'd be charged with collusion, and Theodora would be implicated as the instigator. She believes Mrs. Frederic's framing Theodora."

"Because Mrs. F. says she did it as a favor for Vanessa, who was doing a favor for Theodora, who made a back-door deal with MacPherson?"

"In theory, yes. That's what Mrs. Frederic would lead the police to believe."

"But I thought Mrs. F and Theodora were best buds? Why would she double-cross her?"

"To gain immunity and kill McPherson's appeal. She'll out him as the mastermind behind the sale. And who knows what other dirt she has on him."

"So H.G. fudged that up all kinds of ways," Claudia says, lowering her voice as Christina shifts under the covers. Her brows push together, wheels turning furiously in her head. "Where's Morgana getting all this?"

"Lots of little things. Plus, she's had a year to piece it together. And that woman in Mrs. Frederic's office, Sally, is still feeding her information."

"Info Mrs. Frederic's feeding her?"

"Maybe? Good point."

"You need to talk to her."

"Sally?"

"No. Mrs. Frederic."

"How?"

"We'll figure it out." Claudia taps her laptop awake and starts typing.

"Hang on. Let me call before you do something illegal. Maybe I can get an appointment."

"Ha! Good luck," Claudia says, eyes never leaving her screen, hacking away as Myka dials.

*

At 8:30 AM sharp, Myka knocks on the gallery's door, Claudia's "You can do this!" pep talk on repeat in her head. Her initial letdown of, "Mrs. Frederic's booked until the end of the month," was, quite unbelievably, overturned an hour later by a callback from her assistant. But by then, they were plotting to crash tomorrow's lunch, as Claudia had already stolen Mrs. Frederic's schedule.

A security guard lets her in, and she follows him to the elevator. Her hands twist together as they wait, dread seeping in over confronting such a formidable woman. But this is the only way to get answers, and her resolve is true. Coaxing information out of people, especially such worldly ones, is not her strong point.

The guard knocks on Mrs. Frederic's door twice, then opens it. He pulls it closed after Myka enters.

"Good morning," Mrs. Frederic says, remaining seated behind her desk. As always, she's impeccably dressed, her grey tweed jacket accented by a string of white pearls, hair braided in thin strands lifted into an elegant bun. It's like she wakes up fully prepped, ready to bulldoze anything and everything in her path.

"G-Good morning," Myka says back, as evenly as possible, her stomach quivering as she braces for the conversation she has to have.

"Please sit." Mrs. Frederic motions to a chair in front of her.

Myka bumps into the arm as she circles around, then settles in, flashing what she hopes is a not-too-nervous smile.

"I'll be frank," Mrs. Frederic starts. "I know why you're here. I can't help you."

"Then why ask me to come?"

"You needed to hear it in person."

"You got me into this! We had meetings and emails and phone calls. You sent me to the sale. You sent me to Helena's in Wales! There's a paper trail."

"Was my name listed anywhere?"

"I..." Myka thinks back, sifting through scores of information. "... don't know. But I'll prove it, somehow." Myka's lips pinch into a thin line, visualizing her resolve. She's gotten this far, and she's not leaving until she gets answers.

"Myka," Mrs. Frederic says, her tone softening ever so slightly. "You can't fix this. The sooner you accept that, the better. You must let it play out."

"So Helena and I both go to jail? What about her kid?"

"Helena was explicitly told not to get involved. That's out of my hands. This may have been over by now if not for her—"

"May have. May have. That's not good enough." Myka's chest heaves as her nostrils flare; this is a brush off of epic proportions. "Why ruin us both just to frame Theodora?"

"Theodora?" Mrs. Frederic's brows shoot up, above the rims of her cat-eye glasses.

"I know you're framing her, saying she's the one I was working for, not you. That the painting was hers."

"Ha!" Mrs. Frederic barks, lips curling up in amusement. "That's what you truly believe?"

"Tell me why I shouldn't," Myka growls, leaning back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest, scowling.

Mrs. Frederic holds Myka's gaze, then sighs deeply, shaking her head as if Myka said something either right on the nose or completely fantastical.

"Then this is all on you," Myka asserts.

"Helena should have trusted me."

"Why should she? From what I've heard, you didn't protect her in New York."

"She knew the risks."

"Maybe. But I didn't. How is it ok to manipulate someone like that?"

"My hands were tied."

"Your hands were tied? By whom?"

Myka leans forward, her hands gripping the chair arms ever more tightly as Mrs. Frederic's stoic mask loosens.

"Please," Myka pleads, teetering on the edge of her seat. If she pushes, maybe Mrs. Frederic will open up.

Mrs. Frederic slides her chair back, then stands and turns, walking slowly toward a bank of floor-to-ceiling windows. She clasps her hands behind her back and gazes out at London's skyline, fixating on a point beyond the horizon. As seconds pass into minutes, Myka doesn't dare move or speak as Mrs. Frederic seems to be wrestling with an answer.

"I like you, Myka," Mrs. Frederic says. "Your earnestness is sorely lacking in this field. And contrary to what you may believe, I'm fond of Helena, too."

"Then help us."

Mrs. Frederic breathes in deeply and releases the breath slowly, eyes still focused on the skyline. "You must speak with Theodora," she says quietly, then looks over her shoulder, meeting Myka's eager gaze. "As soon as possible. And in person."

"Thank you." Myka's grip on the chair eases.

"And, Myka, be careful. You've no idea the power she holds. That's all I can say."

The hint of fear in Mrs. Frederic's voice suggests what Myka's up against, but at least she has somewhere to start. It's not particularly uplifting, nor what she expected, but it's more than she had when she walked in today. So maybe that's a win?

*

"This is one hot potato," Claudia says.

"That's one way to put it," Myka agrees, tapping on her laptop, looking up flights. "I have to go to Milan."

"Hang on. What if Mrs. Frederic's throwing you under the bus?"

"I’m already under the bus. And I'm not sure why, but I believe her."

"Let me talk to H.G. first. You call Morgana."

"I did, but she didn't pick up. She's probably at the police station being interviewed. I'll book a flight anyway."

Everyone startles as a phone rings, but it's neither Myka's nor Claudia's. Christina scrambles toward her luggage.

"It says 'Sondra,'" she says, holding it up for all to see.

"Answer it," Myka says.

"Hello?" Christina says, then listens. "Ok." She holds the phone out to Myka.

"Sondra?"

"Myka! Oh, it's bloody awful."

"What is?"

"Harry's place! It's a right mess, it is. I came to fetch the rabbit nosh and…and it's—" Sondra gasps. "Bastards!"

There's a rustling sound through the phone.

"What's wrong?"

"Christina's Mari Lwyd. It's ripped to shreds! Who would do that?"

"What's a…is anything missing?"

"I can't say. Let me take a gander."

To avoid a lengthy "Sondra" explanation, Myka scribbles "What's a Mary Lloyd?" on hotel stationery and slides it towards Christina.

Christina grabs Myka's pen and spells the word correctly, then makes a quick drawing on the pad. Myka raises a brow at the sketch. It looks like a Halloween costume.

"It's a Christmas thing," Christina says. "A horse skull on a stick with a sheet over it. It was really fun! We made it out of paper and went to people's houses, singing—"

"There's papers strewn about, but I can't say they knicked anything in particular," Sondra interrupts.

"They were looking through papers," Myka says, half to herself. Mrs. Frederic certainly moved quickly if she was looking for those instructions from Cardiff. Helena had them last, but what did she do with them? And what about the letters Christina told her Helena wrote? She hopes the intruders didn't stumble upon them during their search.

"Should I check the garage?" Sondra asks.

"Maybe later? In case those creeps are there now."

"Good call," Sondra says.

What's happening? Claudia scribbles on the pad.

Someone broke in to H.G.'s, Myka scribbles back.

"Do the doors still lock?" Myka asks.

"I reckon," Sondra replies.

"Then get out of there in case they come back."

"Shouldn't I call the police?"

Myka writes, Should she call the police?

Claudia shrugs. We'll ask H.G.

"We'll ask Hel—Harry first."

"You seen her?"

"Not yet. But she's ok."

"Charlotte alright?"

"She's fine. You want to talk to her?"

"Lovely, yeah. Put her on."

"Sondra wants to talk to you," Myka says to Christina.

Christina nods and takes the phone.

"Let's make a list for you to ask Helena," Myka says to Claudia, listening in as Christina answers Sondra with mostly yeses and noes. "Let's hope there's time to get through everything during visiting hours."

"Let's hope H.G. has a plan," Claudia quips.

*

The minute Myka switches off airplane mode, a text from Claudia pops up.

-You’re gonna kick ass. Good luck!

"Thanks!" Myka texts back, wishing she could agree. They'd stayed up late last night, devising a plan with Morgana, talking on Myka's burner phone. But during her two-hour flight, instead of honing their list of questions, Helena's voice filled her mind.

Helena revealed, during visiting hours, the document from Cardiff was stowed in her suitcase. As they dug through, they found several secret compartments, one with cash, another with new aliases plus travel documents for Helena and Christina. But the document-in-question remained elusive until Claudia tugged on an out of place stitch in the lower lining. Its release revealed a stash of papers stuffed under the plastic shell. The upper lining revealed even more than Myka could have imagined.

Mixed in with the deeds to Helena's house and Harry's garage were the letters Christina had spoken about, the ones Helena had written but could never send. Myka's heart froze at the sight, then pounded wildly as she ripped them open.

She'd barely made a dent in the dense texts when Claudia whisked them away, saying it wasn't safe to keep them on hand since Helena's break-in. She skimmed as many as possible, pushing Claudia away twice as she tried to gather them together. Helena's words vacillated between the mundane in Llangynidr and her extraordinary past. There, laid out in exquisite detail, were her days in London, her time at Stanford, bringing up Christina, and her entanglement with Morgana, Mrs. Frederic, and MacPherson. She felt drunk on information, as if the stories were shots she was downing in rapid succession.

On the plane, it occurred to her the letters read like confessions; Helena laying out her life as if she'd never be allowed to speak of it again. She teared up, as Helena and Christina disappearing forever was not an option. She could never move on if she didn't know they were safe. But once the plane landed, she shook off the feeling and made a concerted effort to focus on the present.

She checks in early at her hotel and changes out of her wrinkled clothes, wanting to look and feel at the top of her game. A few steps from Theodora's door, she stops to neaten her skirt, taking a moment to collect her thoughts. She'd memorized the questions they came up with, but there is no harm in running through them again.

She tugs at her collar, nerves overheating her already, though when she checked, the weather's on the chilly side of spring. Straightening her spine and squaring her shoulders, she enters the gallery lobby. This may be her only chance to save herself and Helena, so she better not blow it.

The room looks exactly as it did the last time she was there; a few new paintings, but overall, it's as if time hasn't passed. She walks up to the front desk, which is currently unoccupied, and waits for someone to appear.

"Hello?" she says, a little louder than usual.

"Scusa!" a woman says, scuttling out from the back. Probably in her twenties, with long brown hair, wearing a white blouse and grey skirt, she's the usual kind of generic, attractive front desk person. She looks Myka over then switches to English.

"How can I help you?"

"I need to speak with Theodora," Myka says.

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No, but we've worked together. She knows me."

"Un momento." The woman holds up a finger and dials a number on her desk phone. "Your name?" she asks as it rings.

"Myka Bering."

The woman speaks in Italian to whoever is on the phone, but Myka gets the gist of the conversation.

"She will see you at the usual place."

"I know it, thanks."

Myka makes a hasty exit and walks a few blocks to the restaurant. She hadn't planned on meeting Theodora in public, so she'll need to adjust. If she can't speak freely, that throws a wrench in her plan.

She tells the hostess who she's looking for and is directed to Theodora's table, which is, thankfully, in a secluded back corner. To the untrained eye, Theodora looks like an unassuming European tourist in her sixties, having left her vacation home to enjoy authentic Milanese dining.

"Myka Bering!" Theodora says, smiling as she rises. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" She greets Myka with a customary kiss on both cheeks.

Myka lips pinch, then lift into an awkward smile. "I, um, was in town, and I thought I'd stop by," she chirps, hoping that sounded more plausible than it felt. She does have a cover story, but it's weak, so she braces for reciting further lies.

"Excellent!" Theodora says, waving a server over as she sits. "How's your new job been treating you?"

"Very well, actually," Myka answers. Because it was before she went AWOL.

The server hands Myka a menu.

“Portaci una bottiglia di questo,” Theodora orders, lifting her wine glass towards the server.

"Oh, no, please, just a latte for me," Myka appeals, understanding Theodora's request was for an entire bottle of wine.

Theodora raises a brow but doesn't argue. "As you wish. Solo un caffè latte, allora," she says to the server.

He nods and walks away.

"Lunch is on me. Anything you choose. But I will say, they've switched to michetta for their sandwiches, and it's absolutely delectable."

"Um, thanks. I'll look this over," Myka says, reading the menu, but the words blend together on the page.

"We were sad to lose you from our team," Theodora says. "But that mess with Irene and Helena…" She shakes her head. "I can see why you'd want a fresh start."

"Can we talk about that?" Myka blurts, setting down her menu.

Theodora tilts her head as if taken off guard. "All right."

"Thank you," Myka says as the server delivers her latte.

He hovers, waiting for further instruction.

"I'll, um, order later," Myka says.

He nods again and takes his leave.

"I need your help," Myka says, once the server's out of earshot. She might as well come out with it as there's no time to be sent in circles.

"What can I do for you," Theodora answers, reclining in her seat and sipping her wine.

"I-I know what your plan was, for me, back then. And I know what's happening now."

"Oh?" Theodora cocks a brow. "Perhaps you might fill me in, then, as I'm not familiar with what you're referencing."

Myka steels herself. Time to pull out all the stops.

"You needed me to go down for the stolen painting so you'd be implicated as well. But Helena messed that up. Once you found her, you put me back in play."

This theory was a gamble, but after factoring in Mrs. Frederic's information, she, Claudia, and Morgana all agreed it was the right angle to take.

"Irene sent you to that sale, not me. I wasn't aware you were 'back in play,' whatever that means."

A tinge of annoyance colors Theodora's tone, but her calm facade stays in place. Morgana said it wouldn't be easy to rattle her. Time to lay out the facts and see if she'll bite.

"Someone sent me to Helena's house where she and her daughter were in witness protection. Now her cover's blown, and she's in police custody. Her daughter's beside herself with grief."

This isn't strictly true; Myka's pushing Theodora's sense-of-family buttons. Christina clung to Helena before leaving the precinct yesterday, but according to Claudia, she's holding up well otherwise.

"Irene told her to keep her distance. I told you to as well."

"Wait." Myka narrows her eyes. "How did you know Mrs. Frederic told Helena to stay out of it?"

"She asks me for advice from time to time," Theodora says, siping her wine then looking away.

"Then you know the police will bring me back in for questioning. And if I'm convicted, Christina will be left all on her own."

"Poor girl," Theodora says, her concern ringing hollow. "I still don't see what this has to do with me. This is Irene, clearing her name."

"No. If this is about bringing MacPherson down, it'd be better for Mrs. Frederic if Helena stayed hidden. Opening up that investigation diminishes the worth of her testimony, if she's even able to testify at all."

"Then, James is surely responsible."

"Why would he rock the boat when, as I've heard, his appeal's already swung in his favor?"

"He's a petty man."

"Petty, but not stupid. He's an opportunist. He grabbed Helena, got the real painting, then tossed her aside. Someone else found her and turned her in."

"And you think that person's me," Theodora snips.

"Tell me I'm wrong."

"Seems like an awful lot of fuss, for what?"

"You're not as happy here as you lead people to believe, with your modest gallery and quiet life. I'm told you were quite the powerhouse, once. That Mrs. Frederic and MacPherson were under your thumb."

Last night, Morgana detailed Theodora's complicated relationship with Mrs. Frederic and MacPherson. She promised this line would strike a nerve if Myka employed it at the right time.

"And yet, you hadn't heard of me until Mrs. Frederic sent you my way."

"I'm sorry. I hadn't."

"There's a reason for that." Theodora motions to the waiter for more wine then points with her chin at Myka's coffee. "Drink up, child, before it gets cold."

Myka takes a sip. It's already tepid.

The server returns and pours Theodora a generous portion. "Grazie, Paolo," she says.

He nods and walks away.

Theodora swirls the liquid and takes a sip, then looks off to the side, into the distance.

Myka's patience wears thin as the pause stretches out, but she waits for Theodora to continue. This is the tipping point; if she pushes, Theodora might shut her out entirely. She drinks her drink and shifts in her chair, willing herself to hold her tongue.

"I was well established by the time those two rose up in the ranks," Theodora starts. "They pursed me, asking to work together, as I'd lend them an air of legitimacy. I found them both promising, so I took them under my wing, nurtured them. Then, when my Henry took a turn for the worst, they grabbed all I had and ran."

Myka opens her mouth to say, "I'm sorry," but Theodora continues first.

"Oh, they'll say they were helping me, following up on leads, taking clients off my hands. But when I was strong enough to step back in, they cut me off, fenced me in here. By then, they were locked in their little game of good versus evil. There was no room for anyone else."

"So, you want back in."

“I want control. Their childish games must stop. They've become graceless. Barbaric. It's shameful." Theodora's words edge towards a sneer.

"So this is personal," Myka mumbles, mind busy cataloging this revelation, conjuring up information to negotiate now the motive's shifted to revenge.

"Finding the Amber Room was Henry's obsession. His great-great-grandfather was one of the craftsmen. Those two stole his notes and passed them off as their own. He was so close right before he..." Theodora breathes a shaky breath as if anger and grief strike her all at once. "I had no idea they found it until that damn sale."

"But that was MacPherson—"

"No!" Theodora slams her palm on the table. "They found it together. Then McPherson stole it from Irene."

Myka flinches at the gesture but sees an opportunity to draw Theodora out further. "Why didn't you go to the police instead of gambling on this elaborate plan?"

"The minute I opened my mouth, those two would cover it up. And without proof, who would believe me? I had to get my foot in the door first."

"So you used Mrs. Frederic as a front and me as your 'foot in the door.' And when I go down, so do you. But why do you want to be arrested?"

"I see this is not your strong suit," Theodora says, the pity in her eyes clear at Myka's naiveté. "I'll give you a minute to figure it out. You might learn something useful."

Myka thinks. Theodora's been left powerless. No one takes her seriously, including the police.

"What you say while in custody is confidential. You could tell the police anything, and Mrs. Frederic and MacPherson won't know until they're being investigated."

"Leverage," Theodora sneers. "Their little moles won't have time to warn them what's coming. They'll duke it out to prove who's more loyal to me, who's willing to do whatever it takes to bail me out. I'll ruin them otherwise."

Myka's stomach turns. This power grab is pathetic. "So, Helena and I suffer for your vendetta?"

"Helena did this to herself."

"Helena did this to save me."

"That's not my problem."

"You once said family mattered more than anything, but you'd do this to someone's mother?"

"This is on her. Irene told her to stay out of it—"

"Do you know how we met?"

Theodora opens her mouth to answer but Myka cuts her off.

"Of course you do. You know everything. You picked me because I had nothing to lose. Nothing more to lose. I was exactly who you were looking for."

Theodora looks on without a shred of sympathy. Myka's scowl deepens.

"Helena taking me in, us falling in love…you couldn't have predicted that. But you gain nothing by condemning her and her child to this limbo. So why go through with it?"

"If she'd only done what she was told—"

"Look." Myka sets her jaw and leans forward, glowering. "I'll do whatever you want if you get her off the hook. I know you can." She fixes Theodora with a stern eye.

Theodora's lips rise, slowly, at the ends, until the wrinkles around her eyes deepen into chasms. Her smile is cold, her gaze, calculating, as if Myka just made a deal with the devil. "Come by the gallery tomorrow afternoon. I make no promises, but I'll see what I can do."

"I'll be there," Myka says, holding onto Theodora's eyes as she casually sips her wine again. Is that it? Did she get what she came for? She can't think of anything else to say. She gulps her cold latte down and takes her leave, mind spinning in an anxious haze.

*

"Why'd you do that?" Claudia snaps, over the phone, later that evening.

"It just came out," Myka says, slumping back in an armchair at her hotel.

"H.G.'s going to be pissed!"

"I know. But she needs to be with Christina. Maybe Morgana can help?" Myka's words quiet as she sinks further down in her chair, the weight of what she's offered, going through with Theodora's original plan, hitting her full force. She already lost most of her life in the fire, and here she is, losing it again. She doesn't deserve this. Why has the universe turned against her?

“Dude, we’re gonna all help.”

"What if Theodora can't do it. What if we're both still screwed?"

"Stay positive!"

"What if that's not good enough?"

"We'll figure it out. And get you both out, if we have to. You know I'm here for the long haul. Christina won't be alone."

"Thank you. For everything. For always being there."

The sinking feeling in Myka's chest has hit the bottom of her gut. Tears should fall, but instead, a numbness swallows up her fear. This wasn't her fault, but she can't help feeling her karma's summoned up the worst. That the shock waves from the gas explosion caused a ripple effect, shoving her life, then Helena's, then Claudia's, then Morgana's off-kilter. And the only way to fix it is to start over again and follow the prescribed trajectory. If she's lucky, she accomplished this today, and the chain-link reaction will be severed.

*

The next day, Myka wanders from cafe to cafe, scenic vista to scenic vista, occupying her restless body with movement until afternoon arrives. When it does, she marches briskly into Theodora's gallery and up to the desk, where the same woman from yesterday sits.

"I'm here to see Theodora."

The woman's impassive gaze suggests they hadn't already met. "Signora Stanton is unavailable."

"But she told me to meet her here this afternoon!"

"She's on holiday. You can leave a message."

"I…I'll call her." Myka scrolls through her numbers and taps on Theodora's. She gets a message that the number's no longer in service.

"Give me her number," Myka growls.

"I can pass on a message—"

"Give me her number!" Myka slaps her palms on the desk and leans forward.

The woman scoots back in her chair, then stands. "I must ask you to leave."

"I won't leave until I speak to Theodora."

"She's not here."

"She has to be!" Myka steps around the desk towards Theodora's office. The woman blocks her, but Myka shuffles around and makes a beeline to the back of the building.

"You can't go in there!" the woman yelps, scuttling behind.

"Theodora! You said you'd have an answer!" Myka yells, stalking through the gallery storage area, directly into Theodora's office. When she steps inside, no one is present.

"I'm calling the polizia!" the woman says, turning on a heel and picking up a phone on a nearby table.

Myka circles behind Theodora's desk and plops down in her chair. As she's shuffling through papers, her phone rings.

"H.G.'s out!" Claudia chants from the other end. "Well, almost. And with restrictions, but she can go home for now. Home to Wales, Not new York, but...amazeballs, right? What'd you do?"

"I, oh...hang on, I have another call," Myka says as her line beeps. She doesn't recognize the number, but she taps accept anyway. This better be Theodora explaining what's going on.

"Myka Bering?" a woman's voice asks, a British one that's clearly not Theodora's.

"Yes."

"This is DI Stuart, London Police. I have some questions regarding the sale you were involved in a year ago. Do you have a moment? It's rather urgent."

"I'm…" Relieved Helena's out. Scared at what happens next. About to be arrested for trespassing... Myka stands and walks out of the room, raising a hand in surrender at the scowling assistant. Time to flip that switch and turn back into the naive woman she once was. "I'm happy to help, Detective. Just give me second to get off the other line."

-TBC-

NOTE: I just wanted to say, I know this twist could have been set up better in earlier chapters. But in my defense, I didn’t know it was going to go down this way back then. As I was writing this, I decided I didn’t want Mrs. Frederic to be the bad guy. At least not entirely. Because characters are more rich if they’re not painted in black and white. I also decided the whole scheme shouldn’t be (entirely) about bringing MacPherson’s downfall. It seemed too obvious and why not add some complexity to it if I could pull it off? That’s more exciting for all of us in the long run. Were I to go back in time, I’d add a little more personal interaction between Mrs. F and Myka and maybe a few more clues here and there about Theodora’s (non)-loyalties. Though, when I went back and read Myka’s interaction with Theodora, I did sort of set this up a tad without knowing it. I hope this rings true for you, as I’m sort of proud of parsing it out. Feel free to let me know! I can’t believe I’ve almost finished this! So crazy it’s been in my consciousness for half a decade.

[marinaaniseed]

Dark ‘n’ Stormy Pt. 3

Hilariously, it is thunderstorming like a mofo right now, so I’m going to pretend that Thor is giving his approval on this utter trash. Many thankings to @mindthelspace for reading an early version of this drivel around the campfire.

Around 3,600 words. Follows on directly from Pt. 2. Some unhappy discussion of y/n’s past, some feeding, body worship, and sexy shower shenanigans, but no actual sex, because I am the worst. That’s planned for Pt.5. Or Pt.4 if I decide to stop teasing everyone.

Hand in hand, the two of you sauntered from the bedroom, Thor’s large paw completely enveloping yours. You spied the Pop-Tarts spread forlornly in pieces and moved to tidy them up. Bending over, you offered Thor an excellent view, and he could feel himself become aroused imagining you face down, arse up on his bed.  

The smell of the Pop-Tarts hit his nose as you walked past him to the kitchen and his stomach let out a thunderous rumble.

“You go ahead and get cleaned up, I’ll have lunch ready when you’re done,” you offered.

“I was rather hoping you’d like to shower with me,” Thor said with a shy smile.

“Alright, so food first, then a shower?”

“An excellent plan,” Thor agreed. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Oh no, I’m fine, thank you. You can just talk to me keep me company.”

You filled a pan with water and set it on the hob to boil. Lunch was going to be macaroni cheese. Nothing fancy but enough to keep Thor satisfied. Not that he was willing to wait. He busied himself laying the table and taking the pitcher of water from the fridge, before settling down with the remains of last night’s pizza. You were surprised he’d grabbed the water instead of a beer but chose not to comment.

“Tell me about yourself, y/n,” he said through a mouthful.

“What’s there to tell? I’m a person and I’m here,” you responded guardedly.

“You know. Where are you from? Why did Valkyrie find you wandering along the road?” Thor pressed, seemingly oblivious to your tone of voice.

“Why do you want to know?”

“I want to know who I’m going to make love to.”

“Bold of you to assume I’m going to let you.” Then, seeing Thor’s face fall, you added. “You’re right, of course. I am going to let you but I think we need to address the problem of protection. I don’t think my condoms will accommodate you.” You nodded your head towards his crotch in emphasis.

“That’s not a problem. I’m a god of fertility as well as thunder. I won’t give you a child unless you desire one.”

“That’s an...interesting combination of powers. But what about infections? Diseases?”

“Asgardians are immune to all terrestrial diseases.”

You added the pasta to the pan and looked at him, trying to ascertain if he was serious or if this was an elaborate way of getting out of wearing a rubber.

“You have my word,” he assured, sensing your thoughts.

“Fine. But,” you said, waving a wooden spoon at him, “I will find several interesting ways to exact my displeasure on you should I find out you’ve been bullshitting me.”

“I have no doubt about that,” then, he added ruefully, “My brother would’ve liked you.”

Turning back around, you saw the time. You were late taking your meds. That would explain your tetchiness.

“Sorry Thor, I get a bit arsey when I don’t take my tablet on time. May I have a glass of water, please?”

Wordlessly he brought you a glass and gave your shoulders a gentle squeeze as you swallowed your tablet. You continued cooking in silence, using Jarlsberg to make the cheese sauce.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t answer your question. Like I said to Brunnhilde, I’ve just been travelling around pretty much since the snap, doing odd jobs and trying to see the world.”

“Why?”

“I couldn’t stay as I was, it was too painful. Maybe one day I’ll tell you.”

“What did you do before the Valkyrie picked you up?” Thor asked as he sat back down at the table.

“I worked in a bar in Oslo.”

“Ah! You were a serving wench.”

“Something like that. The landlord tried it on with me. Tried to take liberties,” you clarified for Thor. “So I left.”

Thor’s blue eye darkened from aquamarine to sapphire, as a storm seemed to gather across his face.

“That’s no way to treat a lady. I should go there and teach him a lesson,” he growled.

“Easy there. I appreciate the sentiment but I don’t think it’d be good publicity for New Asgard if the king went to Oslo to beat up a publican.”

“I’m not king,” Thor insisted.

“Ok, but you’re still the face of your people.” A very handsome, comfortable-looking face, one that would be fun to sit on, you thought. “Besides, I gave Soren a swift kick in the knackers on my way out, so hopefully I bruised more than just his ego.”

Thor roared with laughter at this. You were so small and delicate in comparison to him but he had no doubt that you could defend yourself ably if provoked, like a cat whose tail’s been pulled.

“Sorry this isn’t very interesting,” you said as you brought the hot pan of pasta to the trivet on the table. “I was aiming for something easy.”

“Don’t apologise,” Thor replied. “It smells delicious.”

He scooped some into a bowl and handed it to you, before serving himself.

“This is the best macaroni cheese I’ve had,” he said after inhaling a large mouthful. You couldn’t understand how he could eat it when it was so hot - you were blowing on your fork, trying to avoid burning your mouth on the cheesy lava.

“Have you had much macaroni cheese?” you asked.

“Oh yes, Rhodey made it all of the time at the base.”

“Well, next time I go shopping, I’ll make sure I get some sweet chili crisps. Growing up, my dad used to make macaroni cheese but instead of cutlery, we used to scoop it up with sweet chili crisps.”

“I think I’d like that.” It was the first time Thor had heard you offer some kind of information about your family, so he decided to press to see what more you’d tell him. “Is he still around, your dad?”

“He is now.”

Ah, so he’d been dusted. You didn’t seem too happy about the fact that he was back. Thor would dearly love to have one of his parents or his brother here. They’d know how to help Asgard.

“Have you seen your father since...you know?”

“Only via Skype. It’s been hard to adjust. For five years, I thought my family was dead. And then they were back, like nothing had happened. They know I’m in Scandinavia but I don’t like to get into specifics. They’d try to visit and I’m not sure I can face them.”

“But they’re your family.”

“Yes, they are. But I lost them, I mourned them, I tried to move on with my life. Dead people should stay dead.”

“I’ve watched my brother die a couple of times.It never got any better but I was always so pleased to learn that he wasn’t really dead. I keep praying to the Norns that he’s still out there somewhere.”

“I can understand that but it took me a long time to get to the point of being able to accept what happened. Some days I still can’t accept it at all. I lose the love of my life. Even now there are things I see, jokes I think of, that I think ‘Alex would love that’ but then I remember that Alex is dead. It’s selfish and it’s greedy but Alex was my world. All the other losses and problems I could’ve coped with, maybe, but not that one. My parents didn’t live through it, it hasn’t sunk in for them. They’re forever asking me how Alex is. Dead. That’s how Alex is. I went through that alone. And now other people are reunited with the love of their life and I’ll never have that. I’ve got a bunch of people I mourned, who today, next month, ten years time - whenever - are going to die again. It’s easier for me not to acknowledge that they’re alive again.” You rubbed your ring finger throughout, shame flooding through you at how you’d tried to forget it all with strong booze and meaningless fucks.

Watching the tears and snot running down your flushed face, Thor didn’t think he could feel any guiltier. You’d lost the person that meant everything to you because he hadn’t gone for the head. He’d thought that after the second snap, everything would be good again. Apparently not.

“It’s not your fault, Thor,” you choked out. “I’m not ungrateful to have some of my loved ones back, but it’s hard to pretend that everything is great. It’s like I said yesterday, a lot of damage was done.”

“What happened to Alex?” he asked tentatively.

“Lorry driver got snapped. Lorry kept going and hit the front of Snappy Snaps. That always seemed oddly apt. It’d almost be funny if it wasn’t so sad,” you said with a strange smile.

Having seen the beer lorry Brunnhilde drove, Thor knew and average human would stand no chance against that amount of machinery. He desperately wanted to hug you but was aware of the cum crusted onto his stomach.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to upset you. Is there anything I can do?”

You sat for a moment in silence, poking at the pasta. Funnily enough, you weren’t hungry anymore. You slid out of your chair and padded over to Thor, perching on one of his thick thighs. Burying your face in his chest, you let the tears fall. Not the pretty tears they cry in films but horrible, noisy sobs that wracked your entire body. Everything you’d tried to forget over the years rose to the surface, an eruption of sorrow that could no longer be contained. Thor held you close to him, stroking your hair, his softness and warmth comforting you until you quieted.

“We’re a right pair, crying and snotting at each other,” you said, before wiping your nose on your arm. “I know I needed to get it out but I’d rather you hadn’t seen it.”

On the contrary, Thor was glad that it had happened. It made him feel less alone. Of course, he knew other people were hurting but he never saw any proof of it. You were so raw and vulnerable, it was like he was only truly seeing you for the first time. Everything was a mask, and armour you wore to protect slow-healing wounds and prevent new ones. And now you had bared to him. He wanted to do everything he could to ensure your heart was never hurt so much again. He was about to scoop you up and carry you to the bathroom, when you reached for his spoon, shovelled up a heap of pasta, and brought it to his mouth.

“I’d hate for you to miss out on the best macaroni cheese because of me,” you said.

Thor let you feed him. His compliment about your cooking had obviously stuck and he didn’t want to disappoint you. Once you’d fed him all of his bowl, he brought the pan towards you both and let you feed him until it was all gone. Thor felt a little ashamed that he’d eaten so much when you’d had so little, but you seemed content, rubbing small circles on the top of his stomach. For whatever reason, you seemed to like that part of him, so he squashed the urge to remove your hand.

“Shall we get ourselves cleaned up?” he asked.

“I need to wash up the pan first,” you said, shifting away from Thor,

“No, no. I’ll sort that tomorrow. Today is a day off for you. I want you to relax, not worry about work.”

You nodded mutely and this time he did scoop you up and carry you to the bathroom.

“Oh wow,” you gasped when you saw yourself in the mirror. Your face was a mess but it was nothing compared to your neck. Thor had well and truly left his mark. Good thing you had a scarf at the hut. The marks you’d left on him weren’t quite as impressive but he looked pleased as he stood beside you, trying to remove cheese sauce from his facial hair.

“I fancied a shower to wake myself up more, I hope that’s ok?” he asked, extending his hand. You took it and followed him, grabbing a bottle of body wash from the cupboard. Much like the bath, the shower was far larger and grander than an average one. Thor stepped in and turned on the powerful rainfall showerhead, turning his face up towards the spray.

“C’mon,” he said, beckoning you in. You copied him and let the water hit your face, flowing where the tears had flowed not that long ago. Thor took your hands in his and you stood there in silent reverie, as though the steamy shower could cleanse not just your body but your soul.

“I believe I offered you some more worship,” you said, at last, the smirk returning to your face.

“You did, yes,” Thor replied, mirroring your smirk. You poured a generous amount of the body wash into your hand and began to clean down the length of his body, working out the knots in his back and down the backs of his thick legs. Thor shuddered, despite the warmth of the water, as you pressed yourself against his back. He could feel your nipples running over his damp skin, could feel the warmth building between his thighs. You slide around him to clean his front, feeling the buried muscles of his arms and lavishing attention and kisses as you worked your way down his torso. Your lips pressed against the plum bruise on his thigh elicited an excited moan and he cleaned himself as you worked down to his feet.

“I’d like to return the favour, if I may?” he said, as you stood back up. You nodded and passed him the body wash.

Although his hands were more used to handling an axe, he was amazingly gentle and attentive, running his fingers with care over the evidence of this morning’s passion. When he got to your breasts, it was like he was lost in a trance, cupping and kneading, coating them in a thick lather. Eventually, he stopped cleaning them and just held a breast in each hand, looking at them like they were the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

Realising he was lost in thought, you moved away, bending your knees so that your chest was level with his aroused cock. You guided him between your breasts, slowly sliding him between the soapy flesh you held together to grip his erection.

“Fuck,” he moaned, pressing a hand against the marble tiles to steady himself as you literally made him weak at the knees. You let him have a couple of thrusts before standing back up. Thor pursed his lips, trying to swallow his frustration.

“Did you like that, bear?” you asked in mock innocence, languidly rubbing your breasts against his belly, hard nipples dragging across his soft flesh.

“Uh-huh,” he whimpered, wondering if he should pin you against the tiles and take you just to end your teasing.

“I think you’re going to like this more,” you said, sliding down to your knees. You washed the suds off Thor’s cock, and with a quick prayer to any god apart from the one in front of you to not choke, you slowly eased him into your mouth. You teased his head with slow sucks before flicking your tongue across the ridge between his head and his shaft. You could hear him wheezing above you and decided to press on, taking more of him into your mouth, your tongue trailing up and down in firm movements that drew further gasps. You didn’t focus your attention in any one particular place, although Thor seemed to especially enjoy it when you licked the underside of his shaft, growing noticeably louder when you strummed across his frenulum. Your childhood penchant for Twister lollies certainly had its uses.. His soft stomach was a welcome cushion but it impeded what you wanted to do. You pursed your lips around him, pressing your tongue firmly against his shaft, slowly withdrawing with a teasing flick over his head.

Looking up, you could see Thor was bracing himself with one hand still, other stroking his nipple. His face was flushed, not just from the heat of the shower, and he opened his blue eye to look down at you. You gave him a mischievous grin before lifting his stomach with one hand and returning to pleasuring him. It was going to take some work but you were determined to have him. All of him. Wisdom teeth had made it harder to accommodate larger guys but you could still do it. His thickness caused your jaw to ache but you continued your journey, lubricating your path with insistent swipes of your tongue. You knew you were getting close and took one large breath through your nose, before taking the rest of him.

“Oh fuck,” you heard Thor roar, his legs trembling as your buried your nose into his soft, sandy pubes. Fighting back the urge to gag and feeling your eyes begin to water, you knew you couldn’t stay here for long. You ran your tongue clockwise around the base of his shaft, then back the other way. Your free hand cupped his balls and you ran your thumbnail over them, your fingernails dragging down his inner thigh. You weren’t sure if it was the pressure building in your ears, the shower or Thor, but everything was very loud. You pulled back just enough for some air then moved back for more. Each time you retreated a little further for air before taking him deeply again.

Thor desperately wanted to fuck into your mouth but he was so impressed by how well you were taking him, he didn’t dare disrupt your rhythm. He could count on one hand the number of people who’d achieved that particular feat. He chose instead to stop playing with his nipples and moved his hand to the back of your head, fingers gripping onto your hair, possessive but not forceful.

You could tell he was getting close by the trembling of his thick thighs and the increasing shortness of his pants.

He tried to warn you, he really did. But instead of words, all that came out was an incoherent roar and that was drowned out by an almighty clap of thunder. You swallowed him with pleasure, licking him clean and sending a tremor through his body. You sat back and let go of his tummy, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand.

Came to the shower to get clean and ended up even dirtier, you mused, as you looked up at Thor with heart eyes and a saccharine smile.

Nobody had looked at him that way in years. His heart was hammering like a mini  Mjölnir in his chest. The Norns only knew why you liked him so much but he was grateful they’d brought you to him. He scooped you up and pressed you against the tiles, one hand supported you under each thigh. He pressed against you, tasting himself in your mouth.

You wound your hands into his hair, enjoying the weight of him constricting your breathing, a warm, hairy man-corset. Eventually, you had to come up for air and gave his braid a sharp yank.

“Oh, oh sorry. I forgot my size. Did I hurt you?” he worried as you gasped against his shoulder.

“No, no. I was rather enjoying it, I just sometimes need to breathe.”

“Perhaps we should continue this in my bedroom?” he suggested, setting you back down and turning off the water.

“Sure,” you said, slapping his ample arse on the way past.

You began drying yourself when you realised Thor was loitering behind you.

“May I?” he asked and you handed him the towel. He gently patted you dry, lingering on his favourite areas, before letting you return the favour. He was so soft and fluffy, a giant teddy bear grinning goofily down at you.

“Shall we?” he said, extending a hand to you. You slipped a hand into his massive paw and began to leave the bathroom, trailing slightly behind him.

Lucky for you that Thor was so big. He’d barely made it through the door when he stopped dead in his tracks

“Thor! Cool thunderstorm bruv. Ready for some Fortnite?” came the unmistakable voice of Korg.

Thor’s hands shot forward to cover himself.

“Er, this isn’t really a good time buddy…”

You can’t see what’s going on but presumably, Korg has now turned to look at Thor because the next thing you hear is:

“Woah! Where are your clothes? And what happened to your neck? Was it y/n Do I need to fight her?”

“I just had a shower. And no, please don’t fight her.”

“Well, where is she?”

“I’m here,” you said, peeking your head around Thor, hugging him from behind.

“Oh my god. Were you two…? Well, good for your bruv. Y/n, do you want to play Fortnite too?”

This is ridiculous, Thor thought. For the first time in years, I have the chance to fuck a beautiful woman, and being cockblocked by a guy made of rock.

“Uh, yeah. Like I said, this isn’t really a good time...I was hoping to spend some time with y/n. Alone. Maybe you and Miek could go to the beach, or the tavern or literally anywhere that’s not here for a bit,” Thor suggested.

“Aw man, ok. But you’ve got to make it stop raining first.”

“Oh yes, of course.”

Korg and Miek lumbered off and once the front door was shut, you burst out laughing. Perhaps Thor might want to start locking his door after all.

@morganhoran1671 @innerpaperexpertcloud

[thebgo]

BGO Staff Picks 2019

The fine folks who put in the work behind the counters at Beat Goes On stores all over the world have humbly submitted for you their lists of their most favourite albums, movies, TV shows, games, concerts and other miscellany for your approval.  Enjoy responsibly.

BRANTFORD

Aiden

Albums

Vampire Weekend - Father of the Bride

Foals - Everything Not Saved Will be Lost

Pedro the Lion - Phoenix

Better Oblivion Community Centre

Frightened Rabbit/Various - Tiny Changes

Concerts

Bombay Bicycle Club

Foals

Kevin Devine

Hippo Campus

Death Cab for Cutie

Chris

Albums

The Specials - Encore

Chaka Khan - Hello Happiness

Gary Clark Jr. - This Land

Cage the Elephant - Social Cues

Interpol - A Fine Mess

The Raconteurs - Help Us Stranger

Thom Yorke - Anima

The Who - The Who

Van Morrison - Three Chords & The Truth

Films

Lego Movie 2

Ugly Dolls

Cassandro-The Exotico

Addams Family

Television

Russian Doll

The Good Place

Bojack Horseman

Final Space

AEW Dynamite

NWA Power

Justin

Albums

Tool - Fear Inoculum

Pluralone - To Be One Wth You

Tinariwen - Amadjar

John Coltrane - Blue World

Concerts

Tool

Tinariwen

Tame Impala

Phish

Snarky Puppy

Raconteurs

Karen

Albums

Tool - Fear Inoculum

The National - I Am Easy to Find

Silversun PIckups - Widow's Weed's

Local Natives - Violet Street

Beirut - Gallipoli

Bat for Lashes - Lost Girls

Rob

Albums

Baroness - Gold & GreyFka Twigs - Magdalene

Lizzo - Cuz I Love You

Local Natives - Violet Street

Sleater-Kinney - The Center Won't Hold

Movies

Booksmart

Portrait of a Lady on Fire

Jojo Rabbit

Us

Marriage Story

Games

Cadence of Hyrule

Astral Chain

Outer Worlds

Luigi's Mansion 3

Untitled Goose Game

Rob

Albums

Baroness - Gold & GreyFka Twigs - Magdalene

Lizzo - Cuz I Love You

Local Natives - Violet Street

Sleater-Kinney - The Center Won't Hold

Films

Booksmart

Portrait of a Lady on Fire

Jojo Rabbit

Us

Marriage Story

Games

Cadence of Hyrule

Astral Chain

Outer Worlds

Luigi's Mansion 3

Untitled Goose Game

BURLINGTON

Briana

Albums

Billie Eilish – When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

Beirut - Gallipoli

White Lies – Five V2

FKA Twigs - Magdelene

Lana del Ray – Norman F**king Rockwell

Films

Avengers: End Game

Captain Marvel

Brittany Runs a Marathon

Little Women

Television

Russian Doll

Glow season 2

Chernobyl

Handmaid’s Tale season 3

Schitt’s Creek season 5

Jack

Albums

Fontaines D.C. - Dogrel

Pup - Morbid Stuff

Beck - Hyperspace

Bastille - Doom Days

Sam Fender - Hypersonic Missiles

Films

Ford vs. Ferrari

Cold Pursuit

Ad Astra

Parasite

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood

Katelyn

Albums

City & Colour – A Pill for Loneliness

Silversun Pickups – Widow’s Weeds

Death Cab for Cutie – Blue

Of Monsters & Men – Fever Dream

Lacuna Coil – Black Anima

Hozier – Wasteland Baby

Billie Eilish – When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

Interpol – A Fine Mess

The National – I Am Easy to Find

Rammstein - ST

Films

Knives Out

Us

Avengers: Endgame

Spider-Man: Far From Home

Frozen 2

Television

The Umbrella Academy

Good Omens

The Dragon Prince

Russian Doll

Stranger Things

Games:

Kingdom Hearts 3

Fire Emblem: Three Houses

Death Stranding

Telltale’s The Walking Dead: The Final Season

AI: The Somnium Files

Lana

Albums

Billie Eilish – When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

Lizzo – Cuz I Love You

Lacuna Coil – Black Anima

Of Monsters & Men – Fever Dream

Rammstein – ST

Films

Captain Marvel

Booksmart

Terminator: Dark Fate

Velvet Buzzsaw

Frozen

Television

Stranger Things

Russian Doll

Killing Eve

Big Little Lies

Good Omens

Maddie

Albums

King Princess – Cheap Queen

Clairo – Immunity

Maggie Rogers – Heard It In a Past Life

Julia Jacklin - Crushing

Japanese House – Good At Falling

Films

Booksmart

It: Chapter 2

A Marriage Story

Television

Tuca & Bertie

Stranger Things season 3

Queer Eye: Japan

End of the F**king World season 2

Steph

Albums

Beaches – The Professional

City & Colour – A Pill for Loneliness

K.Flay - Solutions

Maggie Rogers – Love You for A Long Time

Taylor Swift - Lover

Films

Booksmart

Captain Marvel

John Wick 3

Ready or Not

Frozen 2

Television

Killing Eve

Chernobyl

Tales of the City

Fleabag

Big Little Lies

Games

Death Stranding

Kingdom Hearts 3

Telltale’s The Walking Dead: The Final Season

Resident Evil 2

Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order

CAMBRIDGE

Alex

Albums

Devin Townsend - Empath

King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard - Infest the Rats Nest

King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard - Fishing For Fishies

Tool - Fear Inoculum

Opeth - In Cauda Venenum

Films

Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker

Joker

John Wick 3: Parabellum

The Irishman

Us

Games

Red Dead Redemption 2

The Outer Worlds

Death Stranding

Apex Legends

Octopath Traveler

Hunter

Albums

Brockhampton - Ginger

Tyler, the Creator - Igor

SiR - Chasing Summer

YBN Cordae - The Lost Boy

Cage the Elephant - Social Cues

Films

Joker

Us

Glass

I Am Mother

Avengers: Endgame

Games

Apex Legends

Resident Evil 2

Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order

Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice

Blasphemous

Josh

ALBUMS

Tool - Fear Incolum

Wilco - Ode To Joy

Black Mountain - Destroyer

Racontuers - Help Us Stranger

Opeth - In Cauda Venenum

Claypool Lennon Delirium - South Of Reality

Foals - Everything Not Saved Will Be Lost Pt. 1

King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - Fishing For Fishies/Infest The Rat’s Nest Knocked Loose- A Different Shade of Blue

Devin Townsend - Empath

Films

Avengers: Endgame

Spider-Man: Far From Home

Pet Sematary

Rocketman

Kayla

Albums

Lizzo - Cuz I Love You

Beth Hart - War On My Mind

Defeater - Defeater

Billie Eillsh - When We Fall Asleep...

Offset - Father of 4

Films

Hustlers

Joker

Avengers: Endgame

John Wick: Chapter 3

Once Upon A Time in Hollywood

Shane

Albums

Flaming Lips - King's Mouth

Brittany Howard - Jamie

Kim Gordon - No Home

Amanda Palmer - There Will Be No Intermission

Claypool Lennon Delirium -  South of Reality

Vinyl

Crow Soundtrack (RSD Black & White Vinyl)

Thor: Ragnarok (Mondo Edition)

Flaming Lips - Soft Bulletin: Live (with Colorado Symphony Orchestra)

Flaming Lips - King's Mouth (RSD Edition)

Squirrel Nut Zippers - Christmas Caravan

Films

Jojo Rabbit

Joker

Avengers: End Game

Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker

Brightburn

GUELPH

Emily

Albums

Lizzo - Cuz I Love You

Ian Daniel Kehoe - Secret Republic

Toro Y Moi - Outer Peace

Angel Olsen - All Mirrors

Doja Cat - Hot Pink

Jake

Albums

Sunn O))) - Life Metal

Black Midi - Schlagenheim

FKA Twigs - Magdaline

Enforced - At The Walls

Blood Incantation - Hidden History Of The Human Race

Joel

Albums

New Model Army - From Here

Strand of Oakes - Eraserland

Copeland - Blushing

German Error Message - Mend

Damien Jurado - In the Shape of a Storm

DJ Joel (The Stillness & The Dancing on CFRU 93.3 FM)

Andreas Söderström & Rickard Jäverling - Adelsö (Flora och Fauna)

Ceecide - sweet love (self-released)

David Cordero - Hacia La Luz (archives)

Valotihkuu - By the River (hidden vibes)

Hipnotic Earth - Suspended in Silence (whitelabrecs)

Films

Parasite

About Endlessness

Jojo Rabbit

Heimat Is a Space In Time

The Farewell

Steve

Albums

Spheruleus - Light From Open Blinds

Oiseaux Tempete - From Somewhere Invisible

Big Brave - A Gaze Among Them

M. Grig - Mount Caramel

Ceecide - Sweet Love

KITCHENER

Brady

Albums (2019)

Snarky Puppy - Immigrance

Claypool Lennon Delirium - South of Reality

Miles Davis - Rubberband

John Coltrane - Blue World

Leonard Cohen - Thanks for the Dance

Albums (Decade)

Arctic Monkeys - AM (2013)

Kamasi Washington - The Epic (2015)

David Bowie - Blackstar (2016)

Leonard Cohen - You Want It Darker (2016)

Claypool Lennon Delirium - Monolith of Phobos (2016)

Films (2019)

Us

Joker

Midsommar

The Irishman

Jojo Rabbit

Movies (Decade)

Mother! (2017)

Ex Machina (2014)

The Artist (2011)

The Way Way Back (2013)

Eighth Grade (2018)

Kenneth

Albums (All Time)

Depeche Mode - Spirit

The Bee Gees - Odessa

Aphex Twin - Come To Daddy

Orbital - Orbital 2

Marie Davidson - Working Class Woman

Films (All Time)

1. Kindergarten Cop

2.. Commando

3. The Last Stand

4. Predator

5. The Terminator

Games

Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Supreme Commander: Forged Alliance

Shogun 2 Total War

The Outer Worlds

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The Walking Dead: The Telltale Series: The Final Season

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The Outer Worlds

[ithappenedinadreamcomic-blog]

It Happened in a Dream! Part 2: Senpai Noticed (Finally)

Keywords: emo soldiers, the manic pixie dream girl trope, Star Wars, Star Trek references, shenanigans

Genre: Crack fiction, Comedy, Original Story, Original Characters in Canon Universe

Characters: Kylo Ren, Captain Phasma, General Hux, Supreme Leader Snoke, OCs

Rating: PG to PG-13

Trigger Warnings: Cursing, violence sometimes, sexual innuendos

Captain Phasma gave Melanie the option to return to her quarters to “freshen up” before reconvening for lunch. Phasma may have suggested as such because Melanie was not dressed to impress anyone, in her t-shirt and worn-out jeans (particularly not higher-ranking officials like Commander Kylo Ren), regardless of their being authentically Terran. Melanie took the hint and returned to her room to change.

Rather than deck herself out in her finest Elegant Gothic Lolita frillies, however, she opted for an even worse outfit choice. If the First Order thought they could control Melanie's behavior in any way, they had another thing coming. Somehow Melanie had escaped a Trump presidency, but she was not about to bow to another fascist government in his absence!

Melanie selected an oversized purple sweater with a giant cat face patch plastered to the front, a pleated skirt colored with a pink and purple space pattern, ripped and faded pink leggings, and black combat boots. She put on her best 90s accessories, mussed her curly auburn hair with a spritz of hairspray, and forwent makeup entirely.

“Whoa, gurl, you a hottie,” she said to the mirror, shooting finger guns at herself, and departed for the mess hall.

A pair of Stormtroopers passed Melanie punch-dancing down the hallway, and glanced to one another in confusion. Melanie Vasquez was sure to make some lucky scientist's research dissertation, hands down, a bestseller. In the end, it took Melanie about fifteen minutes of aimless wander-dancing to find the mess hell.

“What'd I miss?” she asked Frank, scooting her butt onto the surface of a table rather than sitting in a chair like a proper Terran lady.

Frank sighed. “Melanie, you are quite late. We are lucky that Commander Ren has not yet arrived, or you would have gotten all of us in trouble.”

“Relax, Darth Prozac isn't going to get mad. Trust me.”

“Who?”

“You know, Villain McNiceHair.”

Frank stared blankly.

Melanie snorted. “C'mon, Frank. You just mentioned him. Commander Ren.”

“That is not my name,” Frank stated. “Melanie, in all seriousness, you cannot call Commander Ren such names. You cannot. We have political immunity for the most part, yes, but if you truly offend him, it will all be for naught. He can easily ask for your head.”

“Oh, he can have a whole lot more than my head,” Melanie said.

“Excuse me?”

“What? I didn't say anything.”

As if on cue, Captain Phasma sidled up to the seated Terran and the perplexed Ethereum hovering next to her. “I have just received word that Commander Ren is on his way. He should be here in a couple of minutes. Prepare yourselves for a brief introduction upon his arrival.”

“Haha, brief,” Melanie laughed.

Captain Phasma raised her eyebrow.

“So, Captain Helmet, tell me a little about yourself,” Melanie said. “Have you been working for the Order long?”

“I grew up in the Order,” Phasma said, ignoring Melanie's new nickname for her.

Melanie considered asking if she had been abducted from Coruscant as a child, but thought better of it. She nodded instead.

“Captain Phasma is a very decorated officer,” Frank said, “She is third in command, under General Hux and Commander Ren.”

“Right, that is an accomplishment,” Melanie said with a grin. “You go, girl.”

Phasma appeared to be on the verge of smirking, but she battled with the angle of her mouth in an effort to maintain neutrality. Perhaps she often wore a helmet because she was more emotionally expressive than Armitage Hux or Kylo Ren, and as such, was far less immune to Melanie's antics. That, or she could hide her biological sex under the silver armor and flashy cape.

“I hear that you are a chemical engineer on your planet, Ms. Vasquez,” Phasma said. “You must be intelligent...For a Terran.”

“Ouch, so close to a compliment,” Mel laughed. “I guess I have to try harder if we're going to be friends.”

Phasma blinked. “Friends?”

“Well, obviously. I'm going to need friends if I'm going to be in Sky River for a while.” Melanie smiled  brightly at the Amazonian soldier, who was taller than her even while sitting on a high table.

“I am not sure if that is...allowed.”

“It will be.”

“Oh?” was Phasma's simple response. And she did not have time to add to it, as the metallic doors to the mess hall slid ajar.

Melanie's heart skipped a beat, but she did not glance over her shoulder to see who entered the room. She already knew. The game had started at last. It was happening. Oh Emperor Palpatine, it was finally happening!

Captain Phasma straightened and saluted with one hand. Her other hand clasped her helmet to her side. “Commander Ren, welcome.”

No response. But Melanie heard the rustle of fabric moving up from behind her. She sat awkwardly still and rigid, but her lips split into an enormous grin. As Commander Ren approached, she felt the tendrils of an invisible force prodding her mind suddenly. Or, more accurately, the Force. It was a bizarre sensation. Midichlorians were not a part of her biology because the Force did not exist in the Milky Way, so she wondered how it was possible for her to feel it at all.

“Captain Phasma.”

Melanie shivered. She glanced furtively to her right, amber eyes falling to Kylo Ren's dark boots, and looked away. So close. It took all of her willpower to keep her mind from plunging straight into her fantasies and revealing everything. Instead, Melanie considered manatees. What is it like to hug a manatee? Also, do fish dream? Did thoughts linger behind their cold, dead eyes?

Kylo Ren bristled at the sight of Frank. Frank appeared none too pleased as well.

“Faseemke'Sahndhran,” Kylo Ren's robotic voice said. “It has been a while.”

Frank's wispy head inclined. “Commander Ren. I hope you are well.”

“I am sorry to make you wait. I have just returned from a mission,” said Ren. There was a drawn out, pensive silence. “Is this the Terran?”

Every nerve of Melanie's body sang triumphantly.

“Yes. Subject #347. She arrived here three months ago, and we have been preparing for her debut ever since.”

“Hm.”

Melanie bit down a smile, keeping her eyes firmly glued to the ground. What about jellyfish? They didn't have brains. Did they think?

“Melanie, please introduce yourself to Commander Ren.” Frank's voice wavered. He sounded nervous.

Captain Phasma tilted her head, regarding the frozen Melanie. “It is possible she is frightened by the mask,” she offered.

Kylo Ren hesitated, but a mechanic hiss a few moments later alerted Melanie to his decision.

“What is your name, Terran?” asked Kylo's deep, humanoid voice.

Melanie summoned up her courage, and stared straight into Kylo Ren's ultra-broody, yet glorious face.

He was incredibly pale, and extremely handsome despite his too-big noise and various moles dotting his skin. His thick brow was furrowed at her, forehead wrinkled deep with thought, or maybe frustration. And God, his hair. He had sultry, ebony waves of hair down to the base of his neck. He met her gaze with coal-black eyes, and held it with an effortless, immense power. Melanie nearly swooned clear off of the table. She immediately snapped her thoughts away from his appearance and to... Eels! Weren't eels technically snakes?

“Melanie...” Frank nudged Melanie's shoulder with an airy arm. “Please answer Commander Ren.”

“Melanie Vasquez,” she said abruptly. “My name is Melanie Vasquez.”

Melanie tried to remind herself that none of this was real. As hot as Kylo Ren seemed, he was only a figment of her imagination. It was just her coma fantasy, trying to indulge her with fan service.

“Melanie Vasquez,” Kylo repeated. He kept staring--no, glaring--at her. And God, was he tall. Taller than Phasma by a couple of inches, at least. Melanie was only, like, 5'3”!

“Call me 'Mel',” she said. She suddenly grinned.

Frank was clearly taken aback by the drastic change in Melanie's behavior. He tried to carry the conversation further. “Do you have any questions for Melanie, Commander Ren?”

“Has she been questioned?” Kylo asked, turning to Phasma. She nodded.

“Then, no. I have other matters to attend to. After I eat, I will be on my way.”

“What do you like to eat, Kylo?” Melanie asked.

Kylo Ren did a double take of Mel. He frowned.

“Please ignore her, Commander Ren!” Frank pleaded, floating in front of Melanie and raising his ghostly arms in alarm. “Terrans are very chatty, and her, especially so. I admit, it can be obnoxious! Go eat, please. Pay her no mind.”

“No,” Mel said. She crossed her arms like a petulant child. “I want to talk to him.”

“Subject #347, stop. Commander Ren is very busy. He does not have time to entertain you.”

“Yes he does.”

“Melanie!”

Kylo Ren held up a gloved hand abruptly to silence Frank.

“What?” he asked, fixing her with his dark eyes once again. “What is it that you wish to say?”

Melanie Vasquez immediately broke into song. She held her arms out on either side as she raised her voice. Everyone in the mess hall stopped what they were doing and turned to look at the impromptu Terran songbird.

She was not particularly good at singing, either.

“Hey little mooonster, I got my eye on yoouuuu~

Where are you gooooing, where are you running toooo?

I got love on my fiiingers, and lust on my tooongue!

You say you've got nooothing, so come out and get soo~oome.

Heartache to heartache, I'm your wolf, your woman!

I say run, little mooonster, before you know who I am!”

Phasma and Kylo Ren's jaws both dropped, even as the song continued Frank's would have, too, if he'd had one. This crazy Terran was actually serenading Commander Ren!

When Melanie finally finished, Kylo Ren said nothing. The astounded onlookers noted that it was the first time they had ever seen their commander rendered speechless.

Melanie took advantage of Kylo Ren's muteness and pointed her index finger directly in his face. He flinched back an inch, but otherwise remained dumbfounded.

“KYLO REN, I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!” Melanie yelled. “AND THAT'S WHY I, MELANIE VASQUEZ OF THE PLANET EARTH, CHALLENGE YOU--”

The entire room gasped.

“--TO SURVIVE ONE ROMANTIC DATE WITH ME!”

The room gasped louder.

Captain Phasma stared blankly, shell shocked. Frank, despite having any facial features whatsoever, appeared to be on the brink of fainting. The other Ethereum some tables away huddled closer, whispering among themselves. Every other soldier and First Order official in the mess hall could not seem to decide whether to laugh or cry. No one, Terran or other, had ever openly flirted with their genocidal commander before.

Was this a moment for the Sky River history books?

Maybe. Maybe!

Kylo Ren's eyelids fluttered in confusion.

Oh, no! Had the Terran successfully broken him?!!

“I....I do not understand,” he said finally.

First this 'Melanie Vasquez' had sung nonsense to him, and now she was...Asking to court him? What?

“Just think about it,” Melanie said, “I mean, I'm only the least threatening person in this room! It's not like you have anything to lose!”

Kylo Ren staggered back a couple of steps. His right hand flew to his forehead. He rubbed his temples, trying to formulate a response. He had been challenged many times before, but this? This was different. What were her intentions? Should he attempt to probe her mind with the Force again? He had only seen absurd images and content there so far, but surely there was something logical underneath all that!

Commander Ren had been quiet too long. He had to say something. Anything. And so he attacked the first flaw that came to mind: her appearance. Tacky, whimsically-colored clothing, frumpy animal tunic. Unladylike posture, sitting disrespectfully on a First Order table. Short stature, pudgy build. Sunken, tired eyes. No makeup. Unkempt, boyish hairstyle. Somewhat adorable—wait, what?! No!

“...And you challenge me to this...'Date'...While dressed like that? How dare--”

“Hey, it's better than what I was wearing yesterday!” Melanie said.

Kylo Ren paused. He lowered his hand.

“...What were you wearing yesterday?”

“A tiger onesie.”

Kylo Ren narrowed his eyes.

“What is...a 'tiger onsie'?”

“Oh, it's a jumpsuit you wear while sleeping, shaped like a cute animal from my planet!”

'…What?'

Frank immediately blocked Melanie from Kylo Ren's sight. He addressed her frantically.

“Subject #347, I believe we have overstayed our welcome. We should return to our research vessel now. Besides, you need to rest! Today must have been an ordeal for you.”

“Ugh, really?” Mel asked. “Boooooriiiinnnng. Ohhkaaayy... If I must.” She glanced towards the fourth wall and winked.

Melanie hopped off the table and made a show of dusting herself off. “Well, Darth Prozac, it's been real. We will meet again, since I need to get that answer from you soon.” She headed for the exit with Frank and a cluster of worried Ethereum on her tail.

“W-Wait a minute,” Kylo Ren called after them, in a voice too weak to be heard.

And with that, Melanie Vasquez and her alien entourage was gone, leaving everyone in the room to wonder what had just happened...Including Commander Kylo Ren.