#sorry for the tag rant this is just something thats always bothered me for. obvious reasons

[redrobemerle]

begging people to stop normalizing abuse just because it happens between siblings ::)

[to-my-better-half]

this is my rant about random shit feel free to ignore or something. Honestly idk if ill even post this, ill probably just let it rot in my drafts. But @dragonsareradguys and @demidork84 did these sorta random rants and i sorta wanted to get some stuff out there. (im not actually tagging them because i dont want them to be cursed by this) But anyway its just me trying to decipher my feelings and put them into words. (btw this will be fucking long i can sense it aka i ramble a lot)

one of my favorite lyrics goes “they can’t steal the love you’re born to find” i love it a lot because i love.. uh.. love. And that sounds cheesy but its true and i strongly believe everyone is born with the right to be loved and i dont think that can be taken way. I think everyone deserves love. Yeah people say things like “what about racists or this or that” and i get that. People get lost and confused. People are wrong and do bad stuff and sometimes they need to learn how to earn love again but i think everyone is born with the right to be loved. 

Speaking of love. I love love. Did i say that? Ima say it again then. Because im like a plant and love is my sun. I need it to survive. And yes i know im needy and i get love from my friends (who i love dearly) but it never seems like enough. And i feel so guilty for saying that but it never does. I love trees, animals, music, and so many things but its never enough. It never lasts long enough. I spend a lot of time being sad and lonely. 

I’ve been told im not expressive enough, i dont smile enough, i dont offer physical contact enough but i have so much love and i want it to go to someone but ive never had that and that hurts. Because i know im not the greatest and i have issues that hold me back and i dont blame people for not returning feelings or being interested but i know i can be loyal, i know i will try my damndest to make someone happy, and i just know that ill try. And maybe thats not enough but its more than ive seen in a lot of relationships. But thats not me trying to convince people its that i want to do those things. I want to spend my life making someone happy, and being loyal, and trying for them. Living for them. And that i cant do this makes me hurt but i hope that i get some patience. 

Music is a conduit for me. Yes, it connects me to people, connects me to the earth and nature, but more importantly, it connects me to myself. Music makes me feel alive and full when i feel the most hollow. And sometimes it breaks me when im at my highest. Music affects me a lot and that scares me- Actually no- Words affect me a lot and that scares me.

I hate my father. 

I’m not particularly good at anything. And i know people would disagree or try to cheer me up buts its true. I’m just not. And at the things people say i am good at, i disagree, and i know that seems obvious but if i dont agree whats the point. Becuase although i care what other people think, thats not why i hate being bad at stuff, its me thats the problem. Anyways though, I’m not good at anything. But ill be damned if i dont try to get better. I am good at that. I’m good at trying at attempting to get better. And maybe thats useless as i rarely make progress or still find myself not being proud or satisfied with my progress. But least i can say that im good at that. 

Gender has always been confusing for me. Like i dont know how that works for me really. Becuase i knew i was pan easily because the feelings were just there but the thing with gender is its never really mattered to me. It doesn’t matter whether im referred to as he or she or they or whatever. It doesnt matter to me whether i indulge society’s teachings of gender and wear dresses and makeup. I like makeup sometimes. Some dresses are cute. The color pink is okay. Yeah, I played with barbies as a child (also dragons and dinos and cars tho so stfu society and your gender teachings). But none of that makes me feel more like a girl. I just am what i am and a pronoun doesnt change my interests or beliefs or who i am. 

I’m so tired of people saying things like “oh you and your husband will-” “your prince charming-” “once you meet a cute boy-” and i know a lot of people who tell me this dont know im out (some do and its tiring) but like still?? it annoys me that they just assume im straight. (And more importantly, a lot of my family thinks im ace because for a couple years i thought i was and i told them that much.) (turns out i just didn’t like anyone because i just wanted to be friends and not bother with feelings.)

anyways, hopefully yall didnt read this and suffer. If you did im sorry uwu