#sorry for the rantish posts... i am done now -_-

[crimson-femme]

sometimes i feel so isolated and bad that i only like butches. it's not that i'm ashamed of my attraction i just don't want to feel like i'm fetishizing them or have people think i would ever use them. people assume that i secretly like men or am trying to replicate heterosexuality even if they don't directly say it (i never miss the insinuations). i remember feeling sick to my stomach when girls in my class would say cruel things about the girl i had a crush on who was a tomboy. i really tried not to stare at her. i wasn't looking because i thought she was weird; i just couldn't stop because she was so beautiful and no one else seemed to see her the way i did. my face would turn bright red, and my heart would race when my classmates said rude things about her. i was scared of what they would think of me if they thought she was weird and abnormal. i was only six and i already felt like a creep just for having my first crush. it confused me so much at that age because i thought there was something wrong with me because i didn't like boys but i liked her and she "dressed like a boy," played with boys, etc...

it’s homophobic rhetoric to conflate same-sex attraction with perversion and fetish and i hate that people have made me feel like there is something wrong with me for liking masculinity but not males. and it makes me feel worse because there is nothing wrong or abnormal with being butch, and i would never want butches to think i think of them that way. i have just been taught to feel shame for my sexuality and attraction to female masculinity. i still sometimes feel like people think it's a fetish or think i want to be straight when i am still homosexual just like i would be if i liked feminine women.