#sorry for the rant ive just felt very passionately about this for a long time

[wiltingdecay]

https://wiltingdecay.tumblr.com/post/691690409527820288/funny-how-part-of-the-reason-why-i-created-rowan

This is the same reason why I had to change up Claudia's and other Apprentice OC's backstory for the Arcana. Because I don't see them not having any issues with lack of family (apprentice Claudia and Anele), lack of connections (apprentice Bhekithemba and Anele), or the Vesuvians likely fearing them because...They died and now they're back like nothing happened.

You can't tell me there wouldn't be conflict in that category nor that it wouldn't affect the apprentice.

EXACTLY!! LIKE!! even if you add nothing else to the ingame mc and just take them completely as they are, there's still a lot of fucked up shit going on in their life.

imagine how fucking horrible it would be to have all but three years of your life just completely wiped out of your memories. how much would that fuck with a person's sense of self? if a person's identity is built out of their lived experiences, what happens to your personality when you forget every single one of those experiences?

adding to that. the mc has no family that they know of. would it not drive you crazy, not knowing if you had family out there that was still alive? not knowing whether or not they missed you? if they were looking for you?

literally the only friend mc has in the world is asra. you could argue that they have selasi too, but they're clearly not close, considering mc somehow doesn't even know selasi's name (?????). is that not like... super fucked up to anybody else? mc's only friend, the only person they actually know, is someone who blatantly hides important shit from them constantly and who is gone half the time. what happens if mc were to get sick of this and fall out with asra? they would have nowhere else to go. nobody to turn to...

...because of course, the entire town hates them and thinks they're a weirdo freak zombie for reasons that mc cannot even begin to understand. i genuinely have no idea how this doesn't affect mc more than it does. they're shockingly blasé about it the few times they actually bring it up.

then of course there's the chronic migraines that are so debilitating they've knocked mc out cold for weeks at a time, and may or may not be bad enough to actually kill them someday, that they don't even know the root cause of until the events of the game. they're so bad that asra had effectively banned mc from leaving vesuvia, because if they have a migraine away from home and help, there's a very good chance they actually will die.

i will forever die on the hill that arcana's mc is far too okay with all the shit that's happened to them. fair enough that they're a blank slate protagonist, but it is extremely unrealistic (and frankly jarring when you compare mc to the rest of the cast, who are realistically troubled by the bad shit that's happened to them) for mc to be such a well-adjusted and mentally healthy human equipped with the knowledge to fix everyone else's problems.

[calm-and-wine]

(I’ll give you) the best years

part IV (masterlist, taglist)

Hello and happy monday! I hope everyone is having a lovely day, as you all deserve. I’d like to take this moment to say one more thank you to everyone who voted for my little story for the awards. We got runner up for best sequel (like whaaaaat), that is crazy and I love every single one of you. Here is part IV, hopefully it’ll bring you a little escape. (it’s 9.5k which I think is the longest thing I’ve ever written, but apparently I couldn’t help myself with this one)

PART IV

March 2025

Lucy was familiar with Niall in his recording mode. When he was in the studio day and night, having one idea after the other. But Niall working on music for One Direction was a different story. She has never seen him so excited, he was bouncing off the walls, gushing about studio sessions and laughs he shared with the boys, constantly playing her bits and snippets of what they had been working on. But working as a team with three other guys made it much harder to make the couple’s schedules line up. However, they still made it work, as much as possible. Niall made sure to keep his schedule free for all the Grand Slams and he even managed to be with her for some other tournaments on her last tour as well.

She was more than impressed that the band managed to keep their reunion a secret, mostly working in Louis’ little home studio. Even though they definitely weren’t as watched by the public as a few years before, knowing how big of a deal the band was, Lucy was pretty sure that as soon as people would get a whiff of them possibly coming back, they would go crazy for those guys once again. It was just the magic of them, something no one could explain, least of all the men involved.

Her and Niall managed to meet up in Los Angeles for a little over a week. Harry was there doing promo for his upcoming movie, which he filmed early last year, so he could still work on some songs with Niall, while Lucy was supposed to do two magazine photoshoots and interviews, as well as a talk show appearance, before going to play in Indian Wells. She had done a few things like that before, been a guest on a few tv shows back in England after winning her first Grand Slam, then in America after the US Open triumph, there were some magazine things as well. But since January, after she announced this would be her last season as a professional player, quite a few offers came in. Apparently she was the new sports star in demand. She wasn’t the biggest fan of those kinds of things, they always made her nervous, the only place she liked being the center of attention was on court. But her manager and the rest of her team convinced her to do a few of those, assuring her that publicity like that would be good for whatever she wants to do in the future.

When Lucy finally crossed the threshold of Niall’s LA house (which he insisted was theirs, since they were married and all), all she wanted to do was slide her back down the door and curl into a ball on the floor. She was exhausted. The photoshoot ran longer than she expected, and after that she was interviewed whilst having dinner. The reporter was a middle aged man, not necessarily rude, but a lot of his questions were more like assumptions that rubbed her the wrong way.

She just took off her shoes, when her husband appeared in the hallway, looking all soft in athletic shorts and a long-sleeve shirt, his hair growing longer than usual lately, which Lucy kinda loved. He wasted no time in stepping closer to her and enveloping her in his famous hug, even though she often thought he reserved special tight ones just for her.

“Long day?” he asked, still holding her, her arms wrapped around his waist just as tightly.

She nodded, before admitting, “I actually kinda hated it.” Her words muffled, as she nuzzled her face into Niall’s neck.

He hummed, rubbing her back in order to relax her. “Are you hungry?” He asked, but she shook her head, still making no move to let him go. “How about a bath?”

At last, Lucy pulled away slightly to look at him, her eyes big and appreciative. “Yes, please.”

He planted a sweet kiss on her forehead, squeezed her one last time before letting her go, but not completely, intertwining their fingers and leading her upstairs.

He didn’t ask questions, sensing her mood, mostly her tiredness, and simply falling into step with her actions. She went to the sink to remove her makeup, hating not being able to do that right after the last photo was taken, finding the professional make up to be way too much for her. Niall started filling up the tub, adding her favourite salt and scented oil. He truly knew the way to her heart.

“Do you want some tea? Wine?” he asked, turning towards her, their eyes meeting in the mirror, the bathroom filled with the sound of the running water.

“That apple and cinnamon tea?”

Niall nodded at her request. “Coming right up.”

He made a move to leave, but she grabbed his forearm, keeping him in place.

“Stay for a minute, please? It’ll get cold before I’m done with this mess,” she said motioning to her face and hair, which was pinned up, mentally cringing at just the thought of the amount of hairspray that went into it.

To be honest, the main reason behind her plea was just the need for his company, which she thought he must have sensed, because he linked his arms around her waist from behind and planted a kiss on her neck, before stepping back and perching on the edge of the tub.

“Was today awful, then?” he asked, giving her his full attention and concern.

“Well..” Lucy hesitated for a second. “No, not really awful, just…” she sighed, trying to explain it the best she could without complaining too much or sounding ungrateful at the opportunities she had. “The photoshoot was fine, I don’t love those stuff, but the clothes were amazing and everyone was super nice, just quite tiring though. But the interview…” She trailed off, rubbing particularly hard at her eye to remove the fake lashes.

“What happened?” Niall asked, biting his lip nervously. Lucy got her bad days, everyone did sometimes, but she was usually cool and collected, burying herself under a blanket and putting on a feel-good movie or a tv show, preferably cuddling into Niall’s body as well. She didn’t like getting her frustration out, she did that only while working out or playing.

“I’m just so irritated, baby,” she let out an exasperated sigh, giving up on washing her face for a minute and turning towards Niall. “I knew there has always been a lot of unfairness in treatment of men and women in sports, you know, and I’m not even talking about money, just all those headlines, with us it’s always the most unflattering picture on the front page, we’re always criticised about our looks and outfits first, don’t even get me started on the Serena’s catsuit debacle, banning that was just so wrong. Men don’t get that. When a tournament starts people wonder how they’ll perform, not what they’ll wear.” She shook her head, trying to not raise her voice, even though she felt like annoyance and anger were seeping out of her body. “Do you know what’s the question I’ve been asked the most since January?” Lucy asked, but didn’t really wait for Niall’s response, even though he gave her a small shrug. “Whether I’m pregnant. Because apparently that is the only plausible explanation for retiring. Like… How would that even work?” she asked, throwing her arms out in exasperation. “I’m playing my last tournament in September, do they expect me to play heavily pregnant then? Or with a baby on my hand and a racket in the other? What the fuck even is this bullshit?” She was talking fast, all her questions rhetorical, although Niall wouldn’t even dare to interrupt her when she was on a roll like that. “Men don’t have to endure any of it, everyone just automatically assumes it’s a health thing or whatever. With us it’s just constant speculation about our love and family life. And just… Fuck that, I’m honestly so done with this.” She turned towards the sink once more, going back to washing her face, like she was truly done with the topic. She didn’t even expect any reassuring words or anything from Niall, just needed to let her feelings out and vent to someone.

Niall was quiet for a moment, all he could do while she was speaking was look at her with wide eyes and a pull in his heart. She was agitated, angry and annoyed, but there was also so much passion in her words. So much care, not even for her, but for the number of women that had to endure it all as well. He always knew she was superhuman, but in that moment he was even more aware of that. He truly felt for her, just as much as he was in awe of her brain, her compassion and her strength.

He kept his head down for a second, thinking about her words, contemplating how he could possibly help, whether it was even possible. It was usually Niall who got riled up and went on a rant, not Lucy, so it was a new situation, one he wasn’t completely sure how to navigate, but he couldn't say he liked it. Seeing her this annoyed and agitated made his heart give a painful squeeze inside his chest, having this instant need to protect her and make it all better. It wasn’t a very familiar feeling for him, knowing how strong and independent his wife was, sometimes pointing those kinds of injustice, like when she saw a picture of a fellow female player to go with the article, but it was purposely chosen to be a photo with her skirt flying up, or when she saw comments online how “disgusting” it is when women scream on court after a good (or bad) point, but when the men do that they’re just “passionate”. She shared her thoughts about that with Niall, but never let it truly bother her. But this time, it seemed like she had had enough. And he couldn’t really blame her.

He stood up and pulled her into a hug once again, knowing he was in no position to fix the world, but hoping to at least make his wife feel better.

“I’m sorry. Men are dicks,” he said, which made Lucy laugh. It was a real laugh, the sound coming straight from her belly and making Niall smile instantly, just getting that reaction out of her, which was exactly what he was hoping to achieve.

“They really are sometimes,” she agreed, her face all lit up now, finally free of any make up, her eyes regaining their usual spark.

This was his wife, Niall thought, the most beautiful woman in the world, just like that, with her face slightly red after the wash, her hair still in a perfect up-do and her eyes telling him all of her secrets. In moments like that, he could not believe just how lucky he was.

Lucy pulled him in for a kiss, before patting his shoulder and letting him know he can go get her that tea now. There was no need for more words, she knew she had his support, he wasn’t merely a listener, if she asked him, he would do whatever she wanted. But it wasn’t that kind of situation. The patriarchy could not be changed by him, nor her, so she just tried to let it go, already feeling lighter by sharing those burdening thoughts. Tea and a bath in the company of her husband ended up being her safe haven, and that was all she needed.

July 2025

As Lucy fell down, her back hitting the grass, she could not believe what had just happened. There was no way it was real. Apparently, she just won Wimbledon. Fucking Wimbledon. The most prestigious tennis tournament that ever existed. The one in her home country. The one she always wanted to win, but didn’t think she’d actually manage to. It was a dream she let go already. And now it was a reality.

The whole stadium was so loud, she could barely hear her own thoughts. She sat up and saw her opponent coming towards her with a smile. Naomi was the closest person she had to a friend out of other players and she was very appreciative that they could compete at such monumental occasions, there was something special about sharing those moments with someone you not only had respect for, but also genuinely liked.

“That was fantastic, congratulations,” Naomi said earnestly as they hugged.

“It was a great game, you gave me hell,” Lucy said, at which they both laughed.

She spent a minute taking a bow and thanking the crowd, before she went closer to the stand to get to her people. She started up the stairs until she got to her player’s box, where there was a small door on the side, it was installed a few years back, after multiple players went jumping up and climbing the box, now it was much easier. It was only a moment before she was engulfed in a hug by her dad who sat the closest, her mum putting her arms around them a second later, turning it into a three way hug. Lucy could not keep the tears at bay any longer, she could hear her parents saying kind and loving words into her ears, but she was so emotional, still in a state of absolut shock, she wasn’t able to really process them. They let her go after a minute and all she had to do was take one step to be wrapped in her husband’s arms and crying on his shoulder.

“You mad, mad woman,” Niall whispered with a laugh, followed by a few kisses on her cheek, right by her ear, rubbing a calming hand over her back.

She stayed in his arms for probably way too long, seeing as there were thousands of people watching them and even more in front of the telly, the whole thing being broadcasted all around the world. But she didn’t care, she needed Niall, his presence always calming, his amazing hug and the smell of his cologne mixed with a bit of sweat from sitting in the sun feeling like home.

When she pulled away slightly, his eyes were shining. It always amazed her with how much love and pride he could look at her. Even though she usually looked at him the exact same way. She planted a simple peck on his lips before squeezing his arms with a smile and moving along to hug her coach, Mia and Natalia, Niall’s mum who, for three years now, has been coming to London for the two weeks during which the tournament took place to watch her play, then Lucy high fived the rest of the people in her box, including her manager, Niall’s cousin and best mate and their friends, Laura and Iain.

She could stay up there forever, sharing smiles and hugs with the people she cared about, but she had a trophy to pick up, after all. She actually probably took a bit too long already, because as soon as she was back down on court, she was hurried to the side to give a little speech before they presented her with a trophy. But they could wait for her, after all, she was the champion.

~~

“Shit, Niall!” Lucy called out, which prompted her husband to come out of the bathroom running a towel through his wet hair, while the other was wrapped around his waist. “I just won Wimbledon. Do you know what that means?”

He looked at her with an arched brow, like she was mental. “Um.. A lot, I guess? I don’t know what you’re on about, love,” he chuckled.

She threw her head in laughter, looking absolutely beautiful lying on the bed, in a shirt of his, her skin slightly tanned against the white sheets, her body tired, but her eyes bright with glee.

“Well, yeah, but first of all, that means I’m going to be a member of The All England Club, which is super cool and basically I’ll be able to go there to train or just play or hang out and I’ll probably be invited to matches at Wimby in the future.” Her eyes, despite tiredness, were shining.

“You’ll get a plus one ticket, right?” he asked, draping his hair towel over the chair and stepping closer to where she was. “Does being your husband make me like an honorary member or something?”

“Mmm I don’t think so, babe. You might have to win the tournament for that,” she giggled, when he grabbed her calf and made a move to tickle her, but didn’t actually go through with it. “But I will probably get two tickets, so you’re lucky I like you. But the second super fun part is that there’s the Champions’ Dinner going on tomorrow night. And seeing as I’m a fricking champion,” she said with a huge grin, the words still sounding unreal, “we’re invited.” Her face momentarily changed into one of horror. “Oh fuck, Niall!” she exclaimed, completely horrified. “I don’t have anything to wear! What the hell, how am I supposed to get a dress in less than a day?”

Niall’s shoulders shook with silent laughter at how terrified she looked. “Well, you’ve got quite a few dresses you could wear.”

“Niall!” Lucy reached for the pillow to hit him with, but he was too quick, grabbing it before it made contact and throwing it on the other side of the bed, still laughing. “It’s The Champions’ Dinner! It’s a big thing. I can’t just wear any old dress,” she explained, her eyes narrowed.

“I’m sure you’ll figure something out,” he leaned towards her to peck her lips, before going back into the bathroom. He came back a minute later wearing a fresh pair of pants and shutting off the light after himself. “Oh wait,” he stopped in his tracks, looking at her with furrowed brows, “what about the dress you got for The Brits?”

“Ohhh that’s a good idea!” she exclaimed, grinning automatically. She did more smiling today than any other time, her cheeks actually started to ache earlier. “Do you think it’ll be alright?”

“It’s a gown, right?” he asked, shrugging. “And from what I remember it’s really pretty.”

“Yeah, you’re a bit of a genius,” she admitted, looking at him appreciatively. “I knew there was a reason why I married you.”

“Yeah, cheers,” he sniggered with fake offence, sitting at his side of the bed, with his back to his wife and reaching for his phone.

Lucy watched him fumble with it for a bit, probably responding to some messages, before she got up to her knees and crawled over to him, putting her arms around his torso from behind.

“You okay? Seemed pretty quiet during dinner,” she said quietly, putting her chin on his shoulder and looking at the side of his face. After she was done with a press conference and one or two more interviews after her win, they went for a celebratory dinner with their families, friends and her team, where surprisingly, Niall wasn’t his usual charming self, talking only when asked, even spacing out a few times.

Niall furrowed his brows slightly and reached to put his phone back on the bedside table. He hummed before speaking. “Yeah, just tired. I also have a bit of a headache, from sitting in the sun, I think.” He looked at her and when she didn’t seem entirely convinced, he planted a sweet kiss on her lips. “Aren’t you tired? Or are you still buzzing with adrenaline? Will you be able to sleep?”

She rested her forehead on his shoulder, not wanting to put distance between them yet. “Still buzzing a bit, but I think once my head hits the pillow, I’ll be out, cause I am genuinely wiped out. I think I’m getting old.”

Niall snickered at that, maneuvering their bodies so they faced each other. “You are most definitely not getting old,” he said, putting both his hands on her cheeks. “Don’t forget that I’m older than you and I am definitely not anywhere near being old.” He gave her another kiss and for a second Lucy felt like he wanted to convey something with it, something he didn’t want to say out loud, but she had no idea what and she didn’t want to push him with questions. So she just kissed him back, trying to somehow transfer all the love she had for him.

~~

The last two days, since Lucy’s Saturday triumph, were crazy. The Champions’ Dinner was the best party she had ever been to, even though she was stressing about the tradition that was Champions’ dance, during which the male and female winners were supposed to dance together, but seeing that the men’s champion was Alexander, her worry almost disappeared, as he was someone she’s known for years, him being a year younger than her, they’ve seen each other around since playing as juniors, he had always been a laugh. It was actually incredibly nice to share that night with him, as they were both first time Wimbledon champions. Other than that, she had quite a few interviews and tv appearances as the champion.

So in the evening, they were sitting on the sofa, eating takeaway, because when they finally got home, none of them felt like cooking.

“Niall, since when do we not talk to each other?” Lucy said putting her plate down, done with the silence, but it was about more than just this moment.

“Hm?” he finally snapped his head up and looked at his wife. He barely said a word since they left the filming studio. He wanted to tag along today, it was his idea, but truth be told, he had been kind of distant since they came back after Wimbledon final. It was like he had been swallowed by his thoughts, engrossed in his own mind.

“You’ve been by my side for the past two days, but it’s like you’re lost inside your own head. And you keep giving me this weird look, last night at dinner and all through today…” Lucy noticed those things right away, having learned his body language and all the different cues after years together. But now, she was tired of waiting for him to speak up and say what is going on in his mind. “And I don’t know what it is, but you’ve never looked at me like that before. And I don’t like it,” she admitted, although she never thought she wouldn’t like the way Niall looked at her, but it was very far from his usual soft gaze. “It’s like you’re thinking something over or having regrets or.. I don’t know,” she shrugged, feeling a bit hopeless. “I don’t want to push you, but I’m worried and I’d just want to know what’s going on. We’re supposed to be open and honest, always. So please, just tell me what’s worrying you, baby.”

Niall hung down his head once again. He knew she’d pick up on his behaviour, the same way he could always tell when her head was spinning with thoughts. And it wasn’t like he had been trying to keep something from her, he just didn’t know what to say, how to breach the topic. However, he wasn’t aware she had been worrying about him like that.

“It’s just…” he started, but paused right away, licking his lips, putting his plate down on the table, eyes focused on his lap, where he started fidgeting with his fingers. “I think that maybe you should reconsider your retirement,” he said after a beat, lifting his head but still not exactly looking at her.

“What? Why?” she said truly confused and shocked. He had her full attention even before, but now she was looking at him with furrowed brows, trying to inspect everything about him, looking for any clues he might give.

“Well, do you not want to play longer?” he asked, eventually meeting her gaze, rubbing his palms over his jeans, because they began to feel clammy. “You know you could, the past two weeks just proved that.”

She was silent for a minute, trying to collect her thoughts, think of a reason why he would want her to keep competing. His eyes were darting around, like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to watch her or avoid her gaze.

“Are you having doubts about us?” she asked eventually, starting to mindlessly twist the wedding band on her finger.

“What?” Now he was the one completely thrown off, his brows creasing and nose scrunching, which was an expression he had when he was concentrating, and one of her favourites, but not in this situation. At least the question made him truly look her in the eyes, focus on her.

“Now that we could actually settle down, spend most of the time together and not be constantly scattered around the world, does it scare you?” Lucy elaborated, trying to explain her worry.

“No, fuck, Lulu, why would you think that?” he exclaimed right away, almost offended by her question.

“Well, what am I supposed to think, Niall?” She slightly raised her voice as well. “I thought we were both excited for this, to build more of a home together, to not have to miss each other all the time and say goodbye every other week or month. And now you’re basically saying that maybe I should keep going around the globe playing tennis, being away from you, so what should I think?” She started gesticulating, throwing her hands around a bit, shrugging with that last question.

“It’s not that at all, Jesus,” he huffed, his hand going up to rake through his hair. “I don’t know, maybe you should know I love you, huh? I mean, we are married and all that...” His voice wasn’t particularly loud, none of them were screaming, but they were both clearly agitated, their voices rough, almost piercing.

“Yeah, but that’s all we know. Me travelling 10 months a year, you going back and forth between LA and London, or New York, or touring the globe,” she pointed out. “Trying to have little moments here and there, but not being together all year round. Probably not even half of it. And maybe that’s not what you want, maybe you didn’t think about it, when you asked me to marry you. I don’t know,” her voice was becoming more and more thick with emotions, but now that she had all those horrible, scary thoughts in her head, she couldn’t stop it.

“Stop!” he blurted, not even loudly, but sternly, which made Lucy snap out of her spinning state. “Okay? Just stop saying those things,” his face was contorted, almost like he couldn’t listen to the things she had been saying, like he was in pain because of her words. “What about the months when your knee was fucked up? Didn’t we spend every day together then? Was I running away scared? Did I not love having you home? How can you even… Fuck!” Both his hands were in his hair, tagging frustratingly. He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath, before speaking again, this time much more calmly. “Let’s not even go there, okay? Cause it’s not about that, at all. I’d love nothing more than to have you with me as much as possible. You’ve got to know that, Lulu.” That last sentence was let out as a plea, which made Lucy’s heart squeeze painfully inside her chest.

She did know that, of course she did. And yet, she didn’t know how else she could explain his earlier statement.

“Well, then what is it? Why do you think I should reconsider?” she asked, not wanting to guess again, her first theory leading them into a fight.

“Because you just won fucking Wimbledon, Lulu!” Niall shouted, his hands flying up. He wasn’t necessarily angry, but his voice was a humourless laugh.

“Yeah, I know, I was there,” she said with a smile, not really bothered by his outburst. “It was pretty great, but I still don’t see your point, baby.”

He just screamed at her, but right now she was nothing but calm and level headed. He calmed her worst fears that came with his question, so she wasn’t stressed anymore. But he was exasperated, so it was her turn to get rid of any worries he clearly had.

He took another deep breath, Lucy scooted closer to him on the couch, reaching for his hand and tracing figures on his palm in support and reassurance.

“It was your biggest dream, you always said so. And now you’ve done it and you’re just gonna quit playing two months later?” Niall finally asked in disbelief, looking closely at her, as if searching for something, any trace of hesitation. “Don’t you think of other things you could still achieve? What about French Open? Don’t you want to have all the Slams?”

“Niall,” she said so tenderly, all his previous anger just evaporated hearing her voice like that. She put a hand on his cheek to make sure he will hear her every word and see her true intentions and feelings. “Yeah, I won Wimbledon. It was amazing and I never thought it would actually happen. Do I think I could have another big win? Yeah, maybe,” she admitted with a shrug, at which Niall opened his mouth to speak, but she simply put slightly more pressure on his cheek and continued. “But there’s also no guarantee it will happen. And I don’t want to spend another year or two or three or however long, chasing something that I don’t need. I haven’t managed to win French in the ten years I’ve been playing, so what’s to say I’ll win it now? I’m not the best on clay and that’s okay. Sure, it would have been incredible to win all four Slams. But I want to appreciate the success I had, not think of something I maybe could have had. I achieved way more than I ever dreamt of. So that’s more than enough for me.”

Her words were as earnest as possible, her eyes not leaving his, the corner of her lips gently tugged upwords. She really meant every word and a part of Niall already knew that, but his mind still wasn’t put at ease, he felt like his head had been spinning with too many thoughts since Saturday. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy about her winning, if there was anyone rooting for Lucy, it was always Niall, he took more pleasure from her successes than his own. But this one came with a lot of doubts.

“I just…,” Niall pulled away slightly, feeling the need to put a bit of distance between them for his next words. He kept his one hand inside hers, but the other tugged at his hair frustratedly. “I don’t want you to wake up someday and regret it. And resent me or our life together or our kids for not playing longer, for not going for more. Cause it would break my heart, Lulu, I don’t think I could live with that thought,” he finally said his biggest worry out loud, his eyes beginning to cloud.

Lucy gasped at his confession. The fact that Niall may have that worry didn’t even cross her mind. She was baffled, instantly feeling sick knowing that he’s been turning it over in his head for two days, when her stomach turned upside down just at the thought.

She squeezed his hand to bring his attention back to her, her own eyes filling up with tears. “Hey, come on, I could never ever resent you. Or our potential future children. I love you, baby,” her voice almost broke at the end and Niall didn’t even wait a second before enveloping her into a hug. She instantly climbed into his lap, hiding her face in his chest, breathing in his scent, before pulling away slightly to continue talking. “And even after winning, the thought to keep playing hasn't even crossed my mind. Which just means I’m ready to go.”

He looked at her, in his arms, both of them keeping eye contact, as if trying to look into each other’s souls or send an unspoken message.

Niall sighed after a minute, unwinding one of his hands from around her waist to run it over his face and rub his eyes.

“I just kept watching you being so happy these past days, and you’ve been asked about it in every interview and just…” he shook his head lightly, trying to take comfort in a hand she was rubbing over his arm and not get riled up again. “I’d never want to hold you back, I hope you know that.”

Lucy bit her lip, her heart soaring and aching at the same time. She was overwhelmed by the amount of love he had for her. There wasn’t a single doubt in her mind that he would sacrifice everything for her own happiness. If only she wanted him to. It was bewildering to know that someone loved you this much. So much it was almost incomprehensible.

She licked her lips, thinking over her answer. She knew Niall had nothing to worry about, that his doubts weren’t even a possibility to her, but she didn’t want to make him feel silly, as it was a genuine concern that he was entitled to. Just because she knew there was absolutely no way that what he was worried about would ever happen, didn’t mean he was wrong for worrying about it. But now it was her job to make those doubts go away.

She grabbed his neck and spoke with a voice so confident that it’d hopefully get rid of all his doubts. “Yeah, they kept asking about it, but what did I say to that, hm? Every time they asked me about it, what did I say?” she looked at him expectantly until he sighed with defeat.

“That you’re incredibly excited for your life outside the court,” he said, pulling her closer, no space left between their bodies now.

“And?” she asked, a smile forming on her lips.

“And that you look forward to spending time with your husband,” he answered, his face finally mirroring hers, the furrow in his brows disappearing, his lips turning upwards.

“And I meant that,” she said earnestly, sealing her words with a kiss on his lips. “Cause I do want to focus on other things. I want to go on tour with you, watch you pour your heart out in front of thousands of people every night and wait for a sweaty hug right off the stage, like you do whenever you watch me play.” At that his smile grew wider, his nose crinkling cutely. “And I want to start working outside the court, maybe even have my hand in training another British Wimbledon champion, who knows,” she laughed at that prospect, because it barely seemed real, but Niall squeezed her waist as if to let her know it doesn’t have to be a joke. “I want to have a somewhat normal house life and yeah, have some children with you,” she shrugged, both of them looking at each other with admiration. “That’s what I’m most excited about right now. Besides, you know my knee’s been starting to act up and I don’t want to risk it getting worse. And I’d hate to have to quit because of an injury, I want to go on my own terms.”

Niall didn’t want to dwell on it any longer, so he focused on the latter part of her speech. “Do you think our child could be a Wimbledon champion? Could you actually imagine it?” he asked with a grin, probably already imagining little blond haired versions of themselves running around with tennis rackets in their hands.

Lucy laughed. “Well, I’d say our child could be anyone they’d want. Even Wimbledon champion.” She leaned in for a much needed kiss, but all he gave her was a peck, his head apparently filled with thoughts he just had to share now.

“That would be quite sick, actually.” His eyes were shining while looking at her, not even really focused, like he was picturing their future. “Mummy and daughter. Or son. Maybe you could even present the trophy!” He got so excited, Lucy could do nothing but laugh. How did they go from nearly fighting to making their potential child a champion, she didn’t know, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. “No, but seriously, would you be okay with our child playing? Professional? Would you like to be a coach?” He turned serious, focusing on her once more to gauge her reaction.

“If they wanted to play, of course I’d be fine with it. I’d worry and warn them about things, but I wouldn’t stop or discourage them. But I would not train them. I mean, I might be like a co-coach. Or an advisor.” How he coaxed her into actually discussing it, she did not know, but it was a power of his, making her want to do anything that got him this happy and excited. “But I wouldn’t be able to draw a line between being a mum and a coach. I’ve seen a lot of this on tour, and it’s not always bad, but not everyone is right for that. I know I’m not,” she admitted, shrugging. “But I would never push our children to play tennis. Okay, I might teach them how to play, but like for fun, not as a career.”

To Niall it didn’t seem possible that there was something his wife wouldn’t be able to do. She was a super human.

“I think once they see how awesome you were on court, they might want to be just like mummy,” he said with a grin, pinching her waist playfully.

“Well, let’s hope they won’t aspire to be like daddy,” she chuckled.

“Heeeeeey,” Niall whined with mock offense.

“Get bras and knickers thrown at them on stage.”

“Hahahaha, it’s not actually the best feeling,” he admitted.

“Okay, let’s stop this talk about children, before you get any actual ideas, because I do still have a few tournaments to play and whatnot.” She patted his chest and made a move to climb off his lap, but he only tightened his hold on her, not letting her go anywhere.

“But you do want to have some, right? Like, sooner than, let’s say, ten years from now?” He asked, genuinely curious as they never discussed it properly. Children had been mentioned here and there, but nothing more deliberate.

“Yeah, I do.” She nodded, a gentle smile gracing her lips.

“Okay. ‘Cause I want that too.” He leaned down to kiss her, properly this time, releasing all the earlier insecurities and frustrations into the kiss.

When their lips parted, Lucy combed her fingers through his hair, before speaking again, the subject of children bringing another thing to the front of her mind. “But first, I was actually thinking of buying a new house,” she admitted. “We talked about it when we got engaged and I think I’d actually want one now. I love this one, but I don’t know, I’d kinda like to get a new one, start a proper home once I’m done.”

She loved the home they were in now, it was the place where most of the important moments happened in their relationship, with Niall having it since before they even started dating. It was here where he said he loved her for the first time. He asked her to marry him here. They came back home to each other time and time again here. But it also wasn’t exactly ideal. The problem was never the fact that it was theoretically his house, not theirs. It just wasn’t a house she wanted to grow old in. She loved it, but it wasn’t theirs, not in the sense of ownership, but in a scene of making it personal. She also wanted a space that would truly be theirs, from the beginning, where none of them ever lived alone.

But it seemed like she didn’t have to even try to explain it to him, his face lighting up with a soft smile, planting a kiss on her cheek before speaking. “Yeah. I actually love that idea.”

~~~~~~

Lucy was able to stay home in London for over two weeks, before she had to travel to Montreal. It made her more than happy because it meant she was with Niall for One Direction's fifteenth anniversary, which was also the day the news about the band’s comeback were being released, with their new single coming out two days later. The announcement was planned to go out at 8pm UK time, but they all decided to have dinner and spend that evening together, meeting at Louis and Eleanor’s house. When they arrived, Liam and his wife, Maya were already there, Harry and Ines, his girlfriend of three years, arriving only a few minutes later. They’ve met like that before quite a few times, sometimes with Louis’ and Liam’s kids running around, so Lucy was more than acquainted with everyone, feeling completely at ease.

Even though the meal was delicious, they were all so excited and nervous, they couldn’t even sit still. Lucy noticed Niall’s knee bouncing two minutes after they sat at the table, putting her hand on his tight to at least try and calm him down.

“Fuck, I don’t think I can do this, can we tell the world now?” Louis whined, throwing his head back exasperatedly.

“I am honestly so stressed right now,” Harry joined in.

There was no missing of the group’s anxiety, everyone looking around, checking the time every few minutes.

“The food is delicious, but I think I might actually throw up,” Liam said, his body slacking against the chair.

“How about some stronger drinks to calm down? Or shots?” Eleanor proposed, all of them drinking beer or wine with dinner.

There was an instant chorus of agreement, Louis getting up to fix the drinks. They all moved from the table to lounge on the couches, none of them able to stomach any more food, no sounds in the room other than the soft music playing in the background and a quiet murmur of a few words shared between them.

“Okay, let’s do it!” Louis exclaimed, coming back with a tray full of shots.

“Cheers!” The boys said in unison once everyone grabbed a glass. The alcohol burned Lucy’s throat, her eyes screwing shut for a minute.

“Another one?” Niall proposed, not even a second later.

Lucy shook her head, watching her alcohol intake, as always when she was in the middle of the season, Maya also refused, but everyone else downed another glass, leaving two full ones meant for the girls. Liam and Niall looked at each other, before shrugging their shoulders at exactly the same time and grabbing another glass.

“How much longer?” Ines asked, looking around in search of some clock.

“Twenty eight minutes,” Niall replied after checking his watch.

“Oh, I can’t believe I almost forgot, congrats on Wimbledon once again, Lucy, that was absolutely amazing,” Maya said with a smile.

Everyone in the room either texted or called her or Niall on the day she won, but that acknowledgement face to face was nice.

“Thank you, it was crazy,” she gave a grateful smile, after everyone added their congrats, Niall throwing an arm around her shoulders to bring her closer. She caught the proud look he was giving her and put a hand on his knee in an appreciative manner.

“Do you think we could come watch you play in the US Open?” Harry asked, redirecting his attention to Niall right after. “We’re free then, right?”

“Yeah, I made sure of that,” he confirmed proudly.

“Umm…” Lucy hesitated for a second, trying to explain how it works. “Yeah, I can get you tickets, no problem, it’s just hard to plan it a little bit, because I don’t know how deep I’ll go.” She didn’t want them to be bored at the first round match, but she also couldn’t predict when her last match would be. It still felt surreal, that she would play her last game in less than two months.

“How incredible would it be if you won that one too?” Liam asked with a grin.

“Mental,” Louis agreed.

“I reckon she could do it,” said Eleanor, looking at Lucy with confidence.

Because their bodies were touching, Lucy could easily feel Niall’s body tensing in reaction to the conversation, the memory of their recent fight still fresh in both of their minds. She didn’t turn her head to get a better look at him, but squeezed his knee as a reminder that it wouldn’t change anything for her.

“Don’t bet any money on me, though”, she laughed, before changing the subject. “Are you walking any fashion weeks this year, Maya?”

While she listened to the answer, Niall reached for her hand splayed on his knee, slotting their fingers together in a silent thank you. That’s how they spent the next couple of minutes, trying to keep conversation going, Louis making sure everyone had a drink in their hand. There was a nervous tension in the room, even though they knew what would happen, all the posts queued up, the reaction they would get was a question mark. They could only hope, basing their expectations on previous love they always got from their fans. But it had been years and things changed, yet it was impossible to prepare for disappointment.

“Oh shit, just one more minute,” Louis said, looking at the time on his phone.

“Let’s count it down!” Ines proposed.

So they did, the last ten seconds, just like on New Year’s Eve. To think of it, there were some similarities, looking forward to something new, things changing, entering a new era almost. When they came to zero, you could almost hear a pin drop. It only took a second for all of the guys’ phones to go off, indicating one notification after the other. They were all stood in a circle, their respective better halves right next to them. Lucy had her arm around Niall’s waist, looking through his shoulder to read some of the comments, the whole world starting to freak out. There wasn’t one person in the room who didn’t have a huge grin on their faces. The women look proudly at their men, knowing how hard they worked, how much love and passion they put into the band. It seemed like all the guys looked up at each other at the same moment, taking deep breaths and stepping closer to wrap one another in their famous four way hug. Eleanor wrapped her arm around Lucy’s shoulder, who looked at the other woman happily, noticing tears pulling in her eyes. She reached her other hand for Ines, who also grabbed Maya and they just stood like that for a minute. The band squeezing each other and whispering excitedly among themselves, while their lovers embraced as well, forming their own little group, looking at their loved ones with so much awe, their eyes glistening with emotion.

After a minute, Harry pulled slightly away, looking behind him at the women. “Come on, get in here, girls,” he said, beckoning them over.

So they joined them, each one next to their man, Lucy squeezed between Niall and Ines. They were all holding each other tightly, a one of a kind bond. There was no comparing it to what those four guys had, but they all felt like family. They were all connected and none of them would have it any other way, forming genuine friendships they all cherished.

Niall twisted his head to the side to kiss Lucy on the crown of her head, before she turned her head as well to meet him in a proper kiss. They were both so happy, they couldn’t stop smiling, their teeth clicking against each other. But they were just so ecstatic. There were no words to describe the feeling. And Niall’s happiness was through the roof, because he was so appreciative to share that moment with Lucy. Nothing could beat having her with him, being able to share it, because it felt like a once in a lifetime thing. Having her to support him and calm him down when needed, and now to share that joy with her. He truly felt like, if she wasn’t there beside him, he wouldn’t be as happy as he was. And maybe that was wrong, maybe he shouldn’t feel like that, but he did. Because his wife made everything better. It was that simple. Seeing her proud and smiling, made the whole situation better. Sharing anything with the people you love makes it better. Whether it’s sadness, problems, successes or happiness. And there was no better thing to share than love.

September 2025

It was impossible to prepare for a moment like this, Lucy thought finally walking back into the hotel room in New York. It was after 3am. She finished playing, her last professional match ever, about an hour and a half ago. Even after the little goodbye ceremony after her loss and a press conference, it still didn’t feel completely real. She had quite a few of those farewell moments, almost at every tournament she played this year. She knew what was coming, after all she made that decision in December. Maybe it was because she didn’t know which match would be her last, didn’t know how far she'd go, just happy with every win she got.

She felt such a mixture of emotions, it was hard to wrap her head around it all. The goodbye she got was amazing, the organizers playing a little video of all the years she competed, including her triumph on Flashing Meadows, and messages from fellow players. She felt a bit sad, but she always did when she lost. A bit proud, because she didn’t go without a fight, the match an over two hour, three sets battle. Excited because a part of her was waiting for that moment, when she’ll be able to truly think about the future and focus on upcoming projects. But most of all, she was simply appreciative. That she had such a good season, that she was able to play every tournament she wanted, that she gave it her all and was able to keep playing on a good level, that after finishing this last game, she was able to look out into the crowd (who was giving her a standing ovation) and not only see Niall, but also her parents, Mia, Harry, Liam and Maya.

Once the door to their hotel room closed, Lucy was exhausted. She had a quick shower right after the match, so technically she could go straight to bed, but her mind was buzzing.

“Lulu,” Niall said, leaving his shoes by the door and walking up to her, his hands going to her waist immediately, to bring her close to him, “how are you feeling?”

Lucy rested her head on his chest, quiet for a moment, trying to make sense of her mumbled thoughts. “I… I’m feeling good?” she said, but it sounded more like a question. “It’s… surreal, still. Maybe ask me tomorrow?”

“Of course.” He cemented his words with a caring kiss to the crown of her head.

“But I’m okay, really,” she assured him. “Kinda sad, kinda happy. Relieved?” Her answer was more like a question again, like she was looking for a right answer, but wasn’t sure if it was one. “I don’t know, it doesn’t really seem like it’s the end yet, you know, that I won’t play like this again.”

He hummed, thinking for a quick second before asking another question, “are you going to miss it?”

“Yeah, probably,” she shrugged. “It’s going to be weird, not having to train, no tournaments to prepare for or look forward to. But it’ll be fun to see what’s ahead, you know? Slow down a bit, maybe, explore other things in life. And spend time with you, obviously. Watch you and the band. It’s gonna be good, baby.”

“Will you miss your team?”

“Oh yeah, definitely. But I hope we’ll keep in touch. Maybe work together again, you know, if I open that training centre or if we get someone to manage… Who knows.”

He nodded, “I’m really proud of you, you know? I’m in awe of your decision, to do things your way.”

“Thank you. It was the right call, I can tell. The next few months will be weird, I’m sure, but it’ll be worth it. I’m actually really excited to see what’s to come.”

Tennis was all she knew. In a way, it became her routine. Sure, there were some tournaments changes, but it was also pretty much the same for years upon years, ten months of traveling, playing here and there, hard court, clay, grass, then hard court again. A quick vacation after that before going back to training full force to prepare for the next season. Over and over again. And now, thinking about the future might have been scary, but it was also nice to do something new. Have a fresh mind. Have an option of doing something else, an opportunity to just travel by Niall’s side for a bit. To focus on something other than tennis. To explore what else she might be good at.

“Oh, could you maybe ask Harry and Liam to join us for dinner on Thursday? With the girls, of course. Louis is still in California, right?” She was pretty sure she mentioned something about it when they talked after the match, but her tiredness and emotions made it hard to focus. She also asked her manager to actually organise it, make a reservation at the restaurant and all, so she didn’t know any specifics yet.

“Of course, don’t worry, they know it’s happening, I’ll send them the details in the morning. And yes, Tommo is still there, he’s meeting us in LA.”

They had a few more days off, the guys had to be in Los Angeles on Monday to do some promo for their reunion and second single, Niall made sure to book time off for all two weeks of the US Open, but because she had lost in the quarterfinals, it was just Tuesday, well, very early hours of Wednesday, giving them some time to relax.

“Let’s go to bed, yeah?” he proposed, planting another kiss on her head, her arms still tight around his waist, her cheek pressed to his body, so close she could feel his heartbeat underneath it.

She shook her head slightly, pulling away to look at him. “I can’t, my mind is spinning. I need it to stop first.” She put one of her hands up to tread through his hair, before cradling his cheek. She then raised up onto her tiptoes to join their lips, the kiss starting slow, but growing more passionate with every lick into his mouth. Her hand travelling under his shirt and the other going back to his hair to tug at it slightly, let him know exactly what she meant. “Are you too tired?” she asked parting for a second to catch her breath, before moving to work on the delicious skin of his neck.

Seeing his wife like that always did things to Niall. It wasn’t even about her having very clear intentions, but how he knew she wanted him to take care of her. How she needed him. Lucy was an absolute beast on court, Niall’s favourite text to send her before a match was “go get them, tiger”. But after the game was finished, especially after a tough battle, she was nothing but gentle. In desperate need of hugs, kisses and someone to take care of her. It wasn’t the first time they had sex in a situation like that, her needing to quiet her thoughts, but also to give up control, after having been so focused and alone on court.

And right now was no different, she wanted to get lost in Niall, needing the quiet only he could bring her.

“Never too tired to help you,” he assured, grabbing her neck gently to pull her lips back to his. To Niall, there was no bigger compliment than this, this incredible woman not only counting on him, but giving herself to him completely, body and soul.

And as he grabbed her thighs to pick her up and carry her to the bed, there wasn’t a doubt in her mind, that he would take care of her. In the best possible way.

taglist: @stylishmuser​ @verorax​ @georgiahoranxx​ @exoticniall​

[krizaland]

i hope this doesn't bother you but, if you could. could you do a zib x reader comfort/fluff oneshot? you can do whatever you want with the premise! ive just got a lot of shit on, including someones who's close to me who's constantly mad and upset; and takes it out on me. and i can't stress how straining it is. you don't have to do this but i just thought i'd ask. have a good day!

You’re not bothering me! I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time! I know all too well what it feels like to have someone close to me take out their anger on me. I hope things get better for you.

Normally, I would’ve posted this next Monday but since you’re going through a rough time, I decided to post it now.

The night sky was masked by haze of gray clouds. Not a single star was visible as a cold wind blew by.

You let out a sigh as you hugged your knees. You thought that sitting under the stars would bring you comfort after the fight you just had with your friend. But it seemed as if even nature was upset with you.

“Maybe F/N was right…Maybe I am terrible person…” You thought to yourself as a few tears trickled down your cheeks.

All you could do was replay the events of the fight over and over again.

Every insult, every shriek, and every accusation echoed in your mind.

“Why did I say all those awful things?! I didn’t mean any of them!”  

You squeezed your eyes shut, causing more tears to pour down your cheeks.

“It’s all my fault! I shouldn’t have let myself get so angry…”

“Y/N? Are you ok?”

The sound of Zib’s reluctant voice jolted you from your thoughts.

“Gah! Oh, hey…Dib-”

“It’s ok, you can call me Zib. It’s really the only way to tell me apart from this timeline’s Dib.” Zib chuckled nervously.

“Oh! Well hey there Zib.”

You tried to remain chipper but your tear-stained cheeks said otherwise.

“Sooo are you gonna tell me what’s wrong or….”

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” You lied as you shook your head.

“If it was really nothing then you wouldn’t be crying! So just tell me what’s wrong!” Zib demanded as he plopped down next to you.

“Like I said, you don’t need to worry about it!”

“I DO need to worry about it! You’re my best friend! And future lover…” Zib’s voice melted into a mutter as he spoke.

“Wait what?”

“Aaaanyway, you might as well tell me what’s wrong now because I’m not leaving this spot until you do.” Zib stated as he folded his arms.

You chuckled and shook your head. You knew that Zib wasn’t going to give up without a fight.

“Alright. Alright. I had a fight with F/N ok?”

Zib’s eyes nearly burst out of his cracked glasses!

“WHAT?! HOW CAN THAT BE?! I THOUGHT THEY WERE YOUR BEST FRIEND!”

“I know! I know! But it’s my fault….I said a lot of horrible things. So F/N has every right to be upset with me….” You confessed as you hugged your knees again.

“What?! No! They probably did something to upset you first! They can’t be mad when they’re the one that started it!” Zib ranted.

“No, they didn’t say any thing to upset me first. I was the one that started it! I tried to be funny but it spiraled out of control.” You explained as you held yourself tighter.

“You were just trying to tell a joke? Well then they really need to learn not to take things so seriously! Like how sensitive can you be to take a joke so-”

“Zib, look, I know your heart is in the right place but I really messed up. Words can be very hurtful. Even if they’re supposed to be jokes.” You sighed as you shook your head.

“Well still! I’m just saying…” Zib trailed off has he noticed that you were still upset.

Zib remained silent for a moment as his mind searched for the right words to say.

“It’s all my fault. I’ve ruined everything…” You muttered as more tears trickled down your cheeks.

In that moment, Zib felt what was left of his heart ache.

He knew how you were feeling all too well.

“Y/N, listen. I know what it feels like to be in your place. I thought I was doing something good once too. But it all went wrong! Horribly wrong….” Zib confessed as he ran a hand down the PAK fused to his head.

“What happened?”

“Well… That’s not what’s important right now. The important thing is that even though you messed up, it….Well it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, ok?” Zib reassured as he scooted closer.

“It doesn’t?”

“Nope! You’re still a good person. You just made a simple mistake. Who knows? You might just be able to fix it! And if not well…At least you’ll have me.” Zib explained as he gestured to himself.

You blinked in surprise as you turned to face Zib.

“Do you really mean that?”

“Of course I do! Like I said, you’re my bestest most closest friend! There’s no one else on this filthy dirt ball I lo- I-I mean care about more than you.” Zib confirmed as he patted your head.

“Really? You really think-”

“That you’re the best human in existence? Yes! Yes I do!” Zib flashed you a toothy grin.

You had to admit you were quite taken aback by Zib’s compliment.

“Wow, Zib! That was really sweet of you to say!”

“I know it was. I know it was. But hey, it’s the truth! I honestly don’t get why people cant see how amazing you are, Y/N.” Zib chuckled as he patted your shoulder.

“Heh. I’m not that amazing.” You giggled as you rolled your eyes.

“Yes you are! You were the first person to be nice to me! Well besides Dib of course but still! I haven’t had someone be so kind to me in a long time…” Zib looked down for a moment as a murky blush spread across his face.

“Zib are you-”

“I’m perfectly fine! I just…” Zib swallowed thickly as his eyes remained glued to the grass.

After taking in a deep breath, Zib cleared his throat and took your hands in his.

“Y/N….You…You’re the only person who truly appreciates my ingenious mind! You don’t think I’m gross! Or weird! You….You’re the first person who’s truly cared about me…” Zib confessed as he gazed into your hands.

“Well of course I care about you! You’re my friend! I’ll always care about you!”

“Friend? Is really that all I am to you?” A few tears formed in Zib’s eyes as he squeezed your hands.

“Well…I…”

“Oh for the love of- Do I really have to spell it out?!”

Before you could respond, Zib grabbed your face.

“Y/N L/N, I love you…”

And with that, Zib pulled you into a passionate kiss.

Your eyes slowly fluttered closed as you kissed back.

Zib nibbled on your lower lip as he let out a low, repressed moan.  Oh how long he had waited to taste your sweet, sweet lips.

You let out a few muffled moans of your own as you let Zib explore every part of your mouth.

Eventually, you and Zib had to part for air.

You gazed into Zib’s eyes with a dreamy smile.

“I love you too…”

[societyxscrewed]

why do you do this

my boss had the audacity to ask if i was okay knowing she didnt give a damn about me or anyone else there. i know this because she told me and a few of the shift supervisors that she was going to emotionally deattach herself from the job meaning we couldnt confide in her anymore. keeping it professional. its starbucks, we need a boss who is willing to give us the support and love we put into our job. ever since this happened ive been even more depressed at work and absolutely hate my job. i dont care when people are out of standard and i dont care if customers are mad. im just so fucking done with it that ive been looking for other jobs. starbucks was my passion and i absolutely loved it for way too long. ive been there for two years and it hurts so fucking bad for my dream to turn into my nightmare. what was once a passion is now the thing i dread doing the most. all because my boss said this one simple phrase “we are all in the same boat” i have not felt my individuality leap from my body so fast. i felt like i was given a mask to conform and told to wear it. since she said that she asked me everyday if i was okay knowing im not, so i would simply reply “i dont want to talk about it” since you are going to deattach yourself from us emotionally im going to do the same thing and you are going to see how unforgettably depressing it makes the environment. how dare you tell me you dont want to do the one thing friends do and emotionally care about you then ask how im doing? i am so incredibly mad i dont know how to be at work anymore. 

i understand that she needs to have time to herself and not lose herself into her job. just tell us not to friend you outside of work or ask you out for drinks. its easy to tell people you dont want to be there friends anymore. i hope she finds the peace she want and i do care about her incredibly. i am just in so much pain and feel so betrayed by someone who, from the beginning told us she was our friend, our family. if i have to find peace on my own time and be transparent and present at work so do you. and for someone to claim we are in the same boat when she just bought a beautiful house for her and kids and her handsome boyfriend when i am still at my mothers house living off her feeling more and more like a burden everyday, a mother who recently drunkenly told me i am a loser and moocher and im disrespectful for wanting to go home at midnight when i work at 4 am the next morning, bitch, i am not even in this boat you speak of. ive been drowning and the moment i was about to tell you how my head is barely above water you hit me with the “we are all in the same boat” and pushed me down further. my lungs are filled with water and i am just trying to resurface. i was hoping these four days off were going to make me feel better but really it just helped me organize my thoughts enough to write them down. 

sorry for the rant. im very distraught.

[kawaiipickle]

The lets eat dinner is hands down, the best variety guesting ever 😢 can i pls spazz one by one i fucking have no one 😢 ok so 1. I feel like the families were sooo compatible with them. 2. I love how CM let loose and actually got more personal than usual. 3. I wanted to cry like a bitch when he talked about how he paid off his family's debts 😢 4. I kinda felt sorry when he said his parents want him to still live with them, but i laughed when he said he wants his liquor ref 😂 cont.

5. I just want to thank the son in law for asking those questions without sounding like an intruder and CM was game to answer. 6. Yunho and his passion moments & how you’ll find it annoying in others but not in him, coz thats what makes yunho Yunho (those sunflower quotes i was like ok but Yunho made it legit) 7. I love how the children matched Yunho’s enthusiasm. I felt like YH’s dinner fam was more intimate, maybe because they were less but (cont)

CM was more personal than usual & his dinner fam made him comfortable so we’re all winners here. Whew. Now that i’ve let it all out, i’ll head back to my cave now ✌ more guestings like this pls 😢

OMG ANONNIE, YES YES, LET’S TALK!!!! O//

I’ve watched it like 3 times yesterday because it’s so perfectლ(´ڡ`ლ)

rest under the cut because long rant :P

1.SAME!!the family Cm found was so big and warm but also calm and comfortable to be with and it was clear to see he was so at ease with them, while YHs family was maybe small, but very energetic so very in Yh style, but it also made him shut up for a minute X’D and im completely in love with the mother from this family, she rocks!! 2.CM just ripped my heart out and smashed it to the groud in this show ;;; how at first he was his usual shy self with all this ‘why do we have to talk to ppl AT ALL? oh look!flowers!’ but then when they were w/their family he just let loose and was his true sweetheart self all about house chores and playing with kids and ‘have i told you about my alco-fridge?? let me tell you then ^^!!’ 3.i always have such a mixed feelings about confessions like this,because yes,it’s amazing and he’s such a loving son,but at the same time parents debts it’s not smthing kids should be troubled to pay off and sacrifice their childhood for, but at the same time im sure that’s not the whole story here and the main reason for him to do all of this, so yeah...4.his parents must miss him a lot so they would like him to live with them even if he’s away for most of the time, but lbr for someone his age living with parents is mostly super awkward X’D 5.same!! let’s send a bucket of flowers to the guy! 6.OMG! Yunho...First time in my whole fandom life I got actually annoyed with him, i feel so bad X’DDD I mean it lasted for 1 sec maybe but when he made this whole sunflwoers speach for the 2nd time ive wanted to push him into the nearest bushes like dude! shut up! XD I love you a world but. stop! OTL...but it’s awesome how perfectly they were matched with their hosts :P poor changmin if there were two Hodongs 7. i rly liked when the boy was talking about his future plans and how many passions he has and how excited Yh was about it, it was so cute ^^ (until Hodong started this whole - but u should lose some weigth for it first -.-) and im was absolutely dying at the mom ranting how she hates cooking for her husband, Yunho got some harsh marriage lessons there X’d And when it comes to Cm family,can we talk about the daughter, mom of the small kids?? Like i was sure she maybe 25 at best but she must be around 35 but she looks SO GOOD AND PRETTY?!?! i was in shock!!

in other words, i rly love this show and just everything about it

[anyway-i-love-vanderwood]

You are a wonderful person, artist, and writer!! Seeing notifications from you always brighten my day!!!

Anonymous said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: You know what's awesome? The top of a blueberry muffin. And also you. You're awesome

Anonymous said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: You know what's wonderful? You. ♥️

vicereine said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: hey there cool kid, i know you just said you dont like showing weakness & stuff and you probably have people to talk to BUT im offering my virtual ear because i think you're really great and i'm all about helping and supporting great people. i'm so glad you've kept this blog running for so long, you're so creative & write the characters so well & so much you've written has given me comfort, i can only hope my thanks offers you some in return

hybrisanaideia said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: You're a wonderful, funny person from what I can tell, who writes rib-busting works I can revisit time after time and still find them as good and hilarious as the first time. I think you're pretty brave to be able to run an imagines blog since I usually have to stick to Anon to do stuff with them, and you're incredibly industrious! I mean you've likely written over 200k for this blog? It's amazing honestly. I'm sorry you feel upset by having to interact with that person. but I hope this helps.

Anonymous said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: i know that feeling, dear, and i hope you can get out of that situation asap, get a nice warm cup of tea and feel better soon! you are only human too and it's okay to show these emotions. here are some things i love and appreciate about you (as far as a follower can see): your humor, wit, creativity, mind, knowledge, how well you can analyze people and characters to the core, how nice ypu treat all of us and that you give it your best despite everything going on in your life 😄😘 

ikeistheallstar said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: I heard you needed support rn so I'm here!! It's totally okay to ask for it when you need to especially if you're going through a rough time! Ive always loved your headcanons since you are so creative and amazing at writing! I'm always happy to see a new post from you even if it's not headcanons! I'm excited to see you show yourself more on this site since I'm curious, but not in a weird way, like your interests and passions! I hope this made you feel better, and that you have a great day!

ihavenotfallenyet said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: Vanderbabe I would literally knife most of the world's population for you jsyk

Anonymous said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: You are wondeful and your writing is amazing, I love that you used vanderwood in your name. This sassy bpy deserves more love.

Anonymous said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: Your writing has helped me through a lot and I wish I could help you properly right now in this trying time but all I can offer is reassurance that the world has a way of working things out and you'll be alright, I wish I could do something more.. just know me and a lot of other people are here routing for you. Sometimes when I'm sad I think about how when we're cold it's really just our bodies trying to warm up the rest of the world. Idk if that helps but it makes me smile sometimes 

Anonymous said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: You are amazing and are so kind, I kind of look up to you when I write things ^^ so to me, you're amazing and awesome and yeah :) 

i-am-thou-thou-art-i said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: Hello!! So your blog is one of my favourite blogs and your writing style is actually beautifulll and just makes me so so so happy!! I'm not acc that interested in mysme anymore but I still check your blog regularly because that's how amazing it is. I saw your post and I just want to say don't feel bad about venting on this blog x what's happening to you is awful and you don't deserve it x I think I speak for all of your followers when I say we love and respect you so vent as much as you need to

krogans-give-the-best-cuddles said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: Hey you're amazing!! You're a good writer and artist and I have your notifications turned on so that way I never miss a post of yours! Thank you for existing and making this blog 

ashnable said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: I know you don't know me, but seeing your post, I had to reach out. Please, don't ever feel weak or weird for feeling the way you do. It sounds like whatever this person did to you, you probably have a very good reason to distance yourself from them. Whatever you do, however you choose to handle it, just be sure that it is best for you!  

damnedcat said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: You are loved here and we wish to see you happy. You deserve to be happy, to have the chance to dream and grow, to be yourself and do the things you love, do the things that make you you! You are so special, and this may be a difficult time but you have friends here, willing to lend you an ear whenever you need it. We love you and support you. ^^Anonymous said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: You're my favorite writer in just about any fandom I've ever been in! You're an incredible person and I really loved your rant about apple too lol. I hope you manage to feel better soon!

✿ I’m so... overwhelmed by all of this positivity, love, and support. Not only do I appreciate every single one of these heartfelt and kind comments, but I just - want to let anyone else know, anyone who’s going through a hard time, that not only is the world filled with generous and gentle people like the ones who have messaged me today - but that I support you too, because it can be rough out there. Not only have you given me comfort, but you helped me pull myself out of an anxiety-cycle and instead do more productive things. like pet some animals. and cuddle a dog. and write some V stuff.

:3c 

Anonymous said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: Can I draw you something?? If I draw you something can I dm it to you? I'm uncomfortable posting my work publicly but I love u and want to do something for u

✿oh my god, if you did, i promise you i’d treasure it. i always save everything people draw me, it just.... makes me so happy to be thought of with such kindness!!!

Anonymous said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: can I just say that zen and yoosung's friendship in the new route is the best thing in the world and I never knew I needed it

✿ i KNOW thinking of it makes me so happy. ugh. it’s in other routes too and I just??? it’s so precious?

i-am-thou-thou-art-i said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: so random story: there's this cat that we see around our street a lot. then one day I look out the kitchen window into the gArden and there that cat is. so for visuals, our garden is a overgrown unruly mess like think baby jungle. and so the cat is just sitting on the ledge and is just staring at a spot and doing nothing. just staring. it stayed there for like 15 mins, left then did the same thing the next day. I like to think the cat felt like a tiger in those moments in its own little jungle

✿ I LOVE CATS. that’s so ADORABLE. what a precious angel 

Anonymous said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: my brother calls me the other day when he's out with a friend and I'm like what's up? and he goes to me 'tell my friend that it is NOT normal to go into his house for cash and come out with a plate of food instead and eat it on the street'. my response was ofc its normal (BC trolling ym brother is way too much fun) (but seriouslsy my brother has the weirdest friends istg)

✿ Haha! It’s like a house restaurant! I love it.

squiggl3 said to anyway-i-love-vanderwood: I always love seeing your writing and your art on my dash, you have such a distinct warm style that in any or your works it feels welcoming. You're an amazing mutual who is hilarious and talented, and I am so happy I got to meet you and become mutuals with you ♥♡💜 

✿ AHHH, SQUIGZ! ♥♥♥ The feeling is mutual, my mutual! You know, it made me so happy to see you following my MM works. You (and your art!!!!!) are both so delightful. 10/10 would follow forever. 

[heypesi]

I’m Sorry..

Tonight’s post is really out of the ordinary with the days and the times I post but do you ever just start cleaning, listen to pandora and just emotion hits you? The past few days ive really been down and depressed about my life with HD. I’ve really been to myself, not really wanting to be around anyone, talk to anyone, just wanted to be alone to cry. Anyways, as i was cleaning, the emotion of feeling sorry just hit me. When i say the emotion of sorry, i am talking about me feeling sorry about many things. Things ive done, feeling sorry for others, feeling sorry for myself..just feeling sorry.. so here goes my rant. 1. I am sorry for the person i have become. I am very proud of myself and my accomplishments and understanding that i need to do things for me and only me. i am sorry that HD has made me selfish when it comes to caring about others at time and putting other things off to focus on me. For a long time, i wanted to make everyone happy. i wanted everyone to like me and if i felt unliked/unwanted i would do anything in my power to turn that around. At this point in my life, i realized regardless what you do, good or bad, not everyone is going to like you. I have become a person that is a lot stronger. I hold myself on a high pedestal and will not settle for anything less than what i know im worth. I’ve pushed my depression from my life before HD away and with this news, over a year ago even though it repeats in my head daily, my depression is back. i may seem like this super busy mom who loves every single day of her life and portrays as everything is okay! and having HD doesnt bother me at all because of how much i love to advocate but i hate this. i hate it all. back to some earlier blog, i hate the HD has become my life. i hate that i have a terminal disease. i hate that i may not want more kids. i hate that i put my child at risk. i hate that my boyfriend feels as if he cant talk to me because he may not know how i will react. i hate that my boyfriend will probably not be able to live the life he dreamed about with me because of HD. I hate my best friend is scared to bring HD up. I hate that this is an elephant that is always in the room. but, I am happy HD has turned me into the person it has. HD has taught me to live my life to the fullest. to always have hope and never regret. HD has taught me to have a passion and love for something that will literally kill me. HD has brought me into an amazing community with amazing people that i may have only met once or twice but the love we share for each other is undeniable. HD has changed me into a person that i never thought i’d be. I never thought my mom and i’d have a relationship like we do. my siblings and i also. HD has taught me to put little things to the side and just love. love my family because we do not know how much time we have with them. i love my family more than words and i want them to know that. 2. im sorry for becoming selfish. this goes off of my first sorry but i really am proud of becoming a person who still loves hard and cares deeply, but i know that the choices i make in my life will be my choices. I will come to a point in my life where HD is going to take over. Honestly, i’m scared as hell for that day. everyday i pray that my results were wrong and im going to get a call saying the lab messed up. everyday i wonder if this is the day HD is going to hit me. this is a constant worry i face. im sorry that i have become selfish when it comes to me caring for myself and not worrying as much about other people and their opinions. 3. im sorry for the people that i have pushed away/left in my past. in my life right now, i have honestly, 3 individuals besides my family that i talk to either daily or weekly. this isnt a one person thing either. this is just checking in with each other, noticing when one is upset or is sad, this is just sending memes because it made you think of the other person. again, back to the first im sorry, this goes along with it. I have alot of people i consider friends but i realized why do things for friends who arent there to support you or check on you, or when you tell them that your mom was diagnosed with HD or when you got those results dont even check to see how youre feeling, or not seeing how your daughter is that everyone obsesses over? not blaming everyone because its two ways but after a point when youre the only one, you give up. I’m sorry if this hits as if you are one of the people i left behind. nothing personal. just after finding out about HD, i really only want to surround myself with positive vibes and happiness. 4. im sorry for the ones who dont know how to talk to me or approach me since the HD. I know this is hard for you and im sorry. i want to let you know,i understand talking about HD is hard, believe me. writing this blog takes more out of me than youd think. i want to let you know, i want to talk about it. i want to answer questions you may have about it. if im having a bad day, i want to talk about it. i dont mention things sometimes to you guys because i dont want to put this all on you. 5. im sorry that my mom feels as if she did this. my mom, while i was growing up, made some shitty decisions but as parents we do that. my mom was a single mom who has a masters degree, worked her ass off as a teacher to support us and get us whatever we wanted. i want my mom to know, although i hate HD and wish this was something that neither of us had to deal with, i never have blamed you. Mom, you changed and touched so many lives while you were a teacher. you lived for your job and students and i want you to know that you did make a difference. mom, i want you to know that i’m sorry you have ever thought i hated you or did not love you. never once have i ever stopped loving you. you have given me the gift of life and i am forever thankful. This blog is just something i needed to write and get things off my chest. this was something i felt i needed to say and express because i feel as if people do not truly understand me and instead of asking, assume. I have become a truly amazing person and i’m so proud of myself. this is something that i never thought i’d ever say about myself. Although i hate HD and everything about it... HD has turned me into the person i am today.

[cheswirls]

i have so many thoughts and its about 430 am so lets get started before they get scrambled.

i decided to read red potter and the middleground, but because i finished one so early in the morning, i had to hold off on the other for a bit, until this -past, i guess- evening. i had read for sure a chapter of the middleground previously, maybe two, but i’ve read too much now that the recollection isn’t coming to me like it came in small bursts through reading through chapter one again. i think it was another instance when i got extremely busy and had to put it down, maybe tac2 took over, dunno, but i got back to it now bc im still on the post-playthrough-of-white high and anything deep in unova is good and lu is fantastic so i knew this would be fantastic and is was right.

it’s a very dark read? unexpected, then again, its centered around a war, so also i shouldve expected it. the realization hit me around the third chapter, i think, when the nimbasa incident happened. very dark and very good. and emotional, i dunno how many times ive cried tonight but its been a night/twilight. the whole story basis with the center legend of unova and all the olden history is really good, its all really boosting my unova high like this is exactly what ive been needing to find, and all the characters it brings in despite the animeverse of it all -benga, n, touko!!- and the roles they play just really made it better, its kind of shallow but i like it even moreso because of the additions and though the story kept me highly entertained and drawn in there were a couple moments when i wished like oh man i hope the story has n in it bc n man jus n i need n content and then bam mentioned and now hes officially in it sort of i mean yeah he is. in the story. and this was early on like during the first few chapters so i had to hold out but it was worth it like, the story is interesting with the anime characters and i knew it was gonna be aniverse going into it and it was good and fine and still is good and fine. 

i dont remember when i started wishing for touko but man oh man it happened and i was like damn this could happen i wish she was kinda here bc i think i had begun to pick up on something and then later i really picked up on it which i will get to later and them bam another happy revelation and i am still like. touko. shes here. shes a part of the story. this is awesome.

anyway before this gets too long to massively too long, this is basically going to be a big analysis and happy-rant post, so if you have not read the middleground by the amazing @pkmncoordinators, you should do so here but then like leave this post until you do and then come back, that would be good. the rest is under a cut to save peoples dashes, sorry this is mega long already aha.

i played ghetsis’ battle theme through a chapter and it mustve been a shorter one bc it lasted me -30min- near the entire chapter. maybe the one beginning w the drayden and alder talk? or the dragonspiral tower one? or maybe theyre the same, its been a long night of binging this entire work. anyway. it set the mood for whatever chapter like i intentionally was like oh this theme is a little foreboding lets play it. and i had it down so low sometimes i could only hear the percussions to it, but it was still there, setting the tone.

otherwise, i found myself only keeping to n music. maybe there were a couple plays of unova e4, way in the very beginning of the first/second chapters, maybe, but for the most part, i kept with n’s songs. the bridge, some, the castle and battle theme, a lot. some renditions of such in b2w2 style. i tried to play through the music of n’s room in the castle, but i had to stop after a little into it, maybe ten minutes, because it was getting all these feelings out of me and i felt like if i played it all i would ‘tire it out’, so to speak, even though that hasnt happened w any of the tracks thus far, but i really want that to be a special one i  have on to draw inspiration from. later into the night/morning, whenever, i did decide to try out a remix of it via the b2w2 track of the same theme. the tune is in a slightly different pitch, but more than that, it gets distorted, almost corrupted, throughout and differentiates itself that way from the original, so i did end up playing through that no problem. i cant recall now if i ever played a theme back to back, i think i switched after the 30min was over, which, understandable, it’d been looping for half an hour. but i think i did play it again maybe once, which is fine. good.

but enough with music meta. its interesting, maybe thats where the draws of ‘where’s n?’ came from, but its not the focus.

oooh boy lets talk about various things that i will address here bc its 5am now and i need to not lose track. the n thing. um. the touko revelations. remember liberty, because the truth will set you free. the hero of truth. the opening chapter remarks. the possible sourgrapes. the viewpoints thing. there is probably more i will get to later in a different post but these are the current things for the morning.

first i wanna talk abt touko, hilda, whatever. small note so i dont appear brash, to ppl who dont really follow my content, i just dont really like the names hilda and hilbert. hilda is slowly growing on me, but missy always called the protag touko, and it really grew on me, and i live the name now, so thats what i always defer to her as. jus a preference thing.

so, i had no idea and i had every idea. oh my god. lu, you are so good at the foreshadowing stuff, serious. a master at it. i didnt pick up on the nimbasa trainer mention, or maybe i did but its been long ago now and i dont remember it. if she appeared before then i already dont remember the callback to it, oops. anyway. it was after that, for sure, if not before, that i did pick up on the brunette trainer and thought ‘damn if that was touko tho thatd be so rad’. really thinking it was in the electronic store in striaton, but that seems so far away from nimbasa like there mustve been something in between but i dont think so? so that. and then in the next, black city? abt the brunette trainer watching the tv, and i think i had the same thought except it was during ghetsis’ speech so between both moments brunette trainer was mentioned. i think i picked up on the repeated mentions of brunette trainer when she and iris locked eyes to see her also packing to leave the center. it was a thought more along the lines of ‘brunette trainers seem to be standing out to me more or are i guess being detailed more than other trainers’ than out of suspicion. i was picking up the repeated characteristic, but more of the notion that it was being named over and over, instead of anything real behind it. like, okay, there are a lot of brown haired trainers around, that works.

it was maybe in icirrus if that was the next thing, i tried to look and think i confirmed that was the next thing based on the recall conversation, so yes. in icirrus, my memory is really failing me sorry!!, somewhere, the first mention or maybe if that first mention was the brunette trainer across the hall in another room, my mind clicked. and it was like, oh, this brunette trainer might actually be all the same person. and i started to think again, wow, what if that person was touko bc i was really passionate abt it and i couldnt come up with who else bc i didnt have the focus i was still actively reading the store yknow? if was nothing about the being followed, i had to wait for the others to catch on and tell the reader before i got that aha. but i did! get! the touko part. it was when iris woke up from the comatose and all those scenes started playing out, maybe she mentioned not disturbing the others or cilan when they were talking, or georgia when she ran off, or something abt the trainer in another room, or a revelation dawned i guess somewhere in those scenes. and i was like oh my god that has to be touko god wow. im really losing my original train of thought i apologize. still recovering from sickness, and the whole long night thing. so something along that thought, but then it sorta got forgotten bc shit got real w virgil and the truth seekers being there, and i didnt recall again until she approached cilan during the counter sheidl -niiiiice throwback, by the way- training, and i was like !!!!!!!!!!!! that HAS to be touko and then she led him away and the whole scene played out and i remember scanning the page briefly, jus flicking my eyes over to see if i saw the namedrop and didnt, so i got entranced in the scene and then benga was like ‘hilda get the other three’ and TOUKO!!!!! WAS THERE OMG!!!! like confirmed, in the flesh, it was great its great what a great thing to add wow. and then the recall conversation happened and i began to pick up and was like wow they were being followed and didnt even remember the brunette trainer mentioned in nimbasa, barely remembered someone with a samurott led the charge to put out the fires, so that was a surprise. of course, that was such an intense scene, and i remember having a small breakdown around then bc burgundy said something about how she couldve been in one of those rooms and that chilled her and it sent me wild bc it was scary to think about, it really was chilling, this story really is dark che wow. 

so i was proud of myself for picking up on that, the touko thing, but i probably wouldve been in the dark completely had i read it and not recently played through white and mind being constantly on that region and those characters right now. 

that was super long. um. next thing is liberty bc i can remember it. the line is, im pretty sure, just remember liberty, because the truth will/can set you free. and its really only because im so into unova right now, but back at the first chapter today, my mind immediately picked up ‘oh liberty island’. except its not island, its liberty garden-island, thing, but still. the liberty just connected, and i had it, and so like when iris busted out like hey we’re not flying to nimbasa we’re going to liberty garden i was like yh guys cmon take a hint. but i really think it was probably creative and thought-provoking to others, a bit of a twister, to liek other readers like this isnt a callout on an easy riddle, jus a notion i picked up on easily. actually i remember the castelia thing confusing me, but there was also some disconnect because the liberty line want being used, it was just being mentioned that everyone seeking the seekers was heading to castelia, like the two were never paired i dont recall of. and it happened every time. i was like okay yes theyre at libery garden, then castelia was mentioned and i was like okay theyre at castelia. they never really crossed so they never crossed in my mind. it wasnt until the group landed in castelia i think that my mind connected, ah yes, liberty garden is off the coast of the city. i do wonder how plasma figured it out though. i think earlier speculation was on the touko-n relationship compromising the location, though im not sure how that would work in the first place, so it seems more likely someone jus picked up on the insinuation like i did, jus made the connection, tho i dunno who.

really quick hero of truth revelation thing. it took me a couple reads to grasp, like iris realized something cilan didnt but he went away and it took me, i had to read it over a few times because she realized something so therefore the readers have to realize as well, and then i made the connection that cilan was related to the hero of truth therefore making him the hero of truth. that couldve been phrased better unless cress and chili are somehow included which i think not, too many motifs, but the point comes across. i might not have made the connection had i not read earlier in the day about iris slipping cilan reshiram’s pokeball, something i stumbled upon before i started reading the entire thing oops so maybe that was a giveaway that helped me work through it, maybe i just connected based on the ancestor stuff, dunno. 

i still havent figured out whos writing the chapter intros and its getting to me!! i dunno if we’re supposed to know yet, at first i felt like cilan, and then a vague collection of others, maybe trip with the camera capture in black city, and then maybe touko at the end tho i feel like something was mentioned that was confidential and that she wouldn’t have known about. then again i suppose sharing stories and then recounting could come into play, in which case benga could also be writing them.. i dont’ feel like its someone currently irrelevant, tho. like, i don’t think it’s luke, or bianca, or someone kinda disconnected like that. its probably a spoiler for you to say whom, which okay, fair, but i hope someone signs off on the intros in the last chapter, or that theres something to pick up on to discover it ourselves, or maybe its not important, but i really gotta know eventually.

someone mentioned days ago about something like not being into wishfulshipping and then something about sourgrapes was mentioned, i really dont remember that well, but i started to pick up on it throughout, especially with all the camping scenes, and remembering you liked sourgrapes so much, and is it possible to confirm that thats a ship in this fic? or, has a possibility? i think i’m picking up on it, but it could be friendship, im not sure.

these next two are the last two for now i think. first, viewpoints, because this story delves into such a cast of characters and i think the same story told from the viewpoint of others would be so interesting, like told through the eyes of benga or touko, or even elesa possibly, and if you ever like wanna divulge in that or after you get done wouldnt mind someone taking a shot at it and working with for accuracy reasons, that would be pretty cool. and you have your first volunteer.

second and last is the n thing. i think a little is just meta, which i want to make a full post on later in time, so this may or may not tie in not sure. just, real brief, isn’t n such an interesting character? i really just, i dunno if i like him like i like others, but i really find his dynamic interesting. keeping it short, bc meta, the boy really grew up differently than a “normal” human. the proper socialization was there, sort of, because he can walk and speak and was educated like hes a math geniusa nd stuff, but he wasn’t socially educated. a lot of people dont realize the two are different, i didnt until i took an intro to sociology course this past fall semester. anyway tho. he really wasnt socially educated, and you can see that through all representations -cant speak for spe actually i havent read the arc yet- even in the anime, though far less likely than i would have liked, having rewatched the n arc a few days ago. the disconnect from people is there. n had tutors, but other than that he was in a room with his only company being pokemon formerly abused by people. that was it. not even normal pokemon, but those he had to gain the trust of first because they were misled by trainers. he doesn’t really know how to act with people. he talks fast, hes very blunt, he doesnt know the meaning of personal boundaries, et cetera. he was, practically, raised in a cult. led to believe only the cult’s beliefs. and its only through getting out of his room and around unova, at least in the game, that he begins to develop his own thouhgts and ideas and morals, that he begins to doubt what hes been preached his whole life. this is getting a bit like so im gonna cut, but i just, n is such an interesting character. the tie in. already, in the tv announcement, his voice is ethereal and i could picture it, could play the sound in my mind based off the anipoke and the gens voices, because both of those are genuinely how n sounds to me, i can see it perfectly it just works like there is no other voice for him. i could picture that when he spoke. and already, with the dreamy, far-off gaze, and it hardening, i can see his characterization is going to be so great in the middleground, and im so excited. i recently finished a fic where his characterization to me was absolutely perfect, and even as it evolved, that standard didnt diminish, because the evolution was so seamless and good that the changes to him felt right, felt realistic.

im realizing now this sounds like a do-good-or-there-will-be-consequences thing, which is not my intention. im just, i really wanted a story with n, one i knew would be good, and the middleground is it at the moment. and i know youll do a good job because i liked tac so much, which featured n, and already its the little things with middleground!n that are already so good, and this was really just me saying thank you and i cant wait, and so thank you and i cant wait for more. i cant wait to see more of n, no matter how small a role, or how big iunno, he plays, its already so good for such a complex character with such a grey background. morally grey, ethically grey, realistically grey, just grey. 

all in all, the middleground is amazing so far, i love it so so much, and once again, i cant wait for more. thank you for such an amazing piece thus far, lu. its past 6am now so its taken me a bit to get through this post, i hope the majority makes sense. and i cant wait to see what comes next with the story.

[thingswontbebetter]

January 9th,2019 Work thoughts not thots...

I love my job it gives me alot of time to just sit here and think and just reflect and work on myself as a person. yeah it is scary and lonely at times to have alone time to just sit with your thoughts ya know. I’m alone alot but i think thats not always a bad thing to be, often times it does feel like a bad thing and i think society can often teach a person that if you are alone you cant win at life, like if life is some sort of contest, life just feels like a contest that in reality has no real prize because in the end is one ever really happy when being compared to everyone on earth, i dont think so. but anyway... yesterday i was driving home from work and i began to remember an argument i had with Eric a couple of months ago. And honestly it was an argument that hurt me and made me feel so small and everytime i spoke to him there were so many times he made me feel like that and he wasnt even techincally anything to me. This particular argument i was playing back in my head was one in which i was talking to him about how i was sad and that i felt dumb because i didnt have any reason to be sad but i just felt like my day was not gonna be good or that something was gonna go wrong and trust me i know thats a really negative way to think of your life but there are days where i let my mind get the best of me and i feel like everything is wrong when its all just in my head. but so i was ranting to him about it because i thought he was my friend and i needed to clear my head, and he responded by saying that I was being irrational and that im dumb and that it was dumb of me to feel that way because there are other peoples problems who are more important and are actual problems and that my problems are real problems they are dumb problems he then went on to say that he has real problems and that if he were to tell me about them that i would be in tears. In that moment i knew that had to be the last straw but im sorry to say that it wasnt, it really wasnt.The sad thing is that in that moment i felt so small and so stupid because i felt selfish i felt so dumb like if everything he was saying was true. dont get me wrong of course my problems arent the end of the world and people do have way worse problems but thats not to say that my problems are nothing either. like once again life is apparently a race to see whos life if better or worse. Eric was just as shitty to me as the last guy i was with although the last guy i was with i didnt know any better and with eric i did know better i just chose to settle because of my own selfish needs. my own lonely needs. I wish i could know that this forsure is the last piece of shit, abusive, belitting, guy ill date but right now it doesn’t feel like i can truly say that because i thought that with Eric it was truly gonna be different, but then i said those words, “ when its good its good but when its bad its really bad” those words are words i dont even notice i had to use to justify these guys treating me like shit and i wish i could say that this time i didnt say those words but i did and i wish i could say that i walked away faster than i did last time but once again ding, ding , ding i didnt i froze up and continued to put up with it and i settled and what also sucks is that this time around he wasnt even actually my boyfriend he was just a boy toy, regardless it hurt and it still hurts but i know that i can only hate him so much because at the end of the day there isnt alot of hate left in me to give. Im still in the phase of hating his guts but also when im alone and stuck in my head i start to miss him and miss the passion and the “good times”. When in reality no matter how good those good times were the whole thing is bad. It was all bad in the end and although i can say that aloud to myself, my mind cant fully snap out of it. I also have been thinking about how i need to get a therapist and how when i was seeing therapists never once did i really talk about my ex and about how that whole relationship was toxic and abusive and how it really shook my whole world around.  Ive also been thinking about how Chris wont ever like me back and that is a lost cause as much as i keep hoping its not im pretty sure it is. Im also thinking about how i have a friend whos a relatively new friend to me and i cant stop thinking about kissing him but like im not attached to him i more want to be someone i kiss and can have around to talk to but also thats very fucked up of me because hes a super cool dude and he doesnt deserve that at all he deserves just the best. but also i dont think that he thinks about me in that way at all i think he very secure in who he is and we might be very similar but like i dont think he will ever see me as someone he wants to kiss i think he sees all my other friends like that and im like last on that list but maybe thats just my insecurities talking idk... i also think sometimes well maybe hes lonely too and wouldnt mind kissing me and such as long as we stay friends and keep it a secret ya know but i think that in the end wouldnt work because i dont know how to be a heartless bitch so i would get attached or hurt easily i mean idk theres just so many reasons i shouldnt be thinking of my friend this way hes like off limits sorta but he also did say if he ever dated anyone in the group he feels it would be akward or weird cause my best friends are dating but when he said that i dont think he meant that about me he probably meant it about my other friends. idk i need to occupy my mind but right now every thing anyones ever said to me is just replaying in my head.