#sorry for the random info dump about my mommy issues

[earthsbestdefnder]

knowing that when evelyns born she’s gonna get so much love and so many presents (I know because I share an Amazon account with my parents) and so much attention meanwhile I’m the one who was pregnant for 9 months and then has to push her out of me and I just know that’s gonna be met with…nothing

[aries-writes-shit]

I'm gonna be completely honest here; Likely going to info dump/ramble excessively, high possibility of it including personal issues, fair warning.

To put it as simply as I can:

Romantic or platonic is fine

I am demi-pan(or omni)romantic, not looking to have biological kids for personal reasons also honestly I don't know how much gender would affect my attraction. I just find people pretty and am vibin. Usually I just say I am of the ace/bi spectrum.

I identify as female, going by she/they, gender neutral pronouns I just think should be normalized as a default when you don't explicitly know and even then be respectful.

I've driven myself into excessive isolation leading to being easily overwhelmed even if it's given certain tasks as I am forgetful and need explicit instructions as I believe I'm a visual learner but to be more specific things need to be explicitly spelled out for me a majority of the time. It's often a tedious process as well as me getting overwhelmed when put on the spot even if it's saying what I want to eat or even retrieving the food myself even in my own home.

But I need excessive time in retreating to isolation which consists me usually pacing around the kitchen, specific I know but even in other environments like hotels I often pace the kitchen space even if it's very small, and indulging myself in maladaptive daydreaming fueled by music to which I normally speak/mumble out loud, do random stuff with my hands animatedly which I don't always do when actually indulging in conversation with others, or just dancing late at night with my highly inconsistent and likely unhealthy sleep schedule of which I am nocturnal at this point. I do also sing a bit though I need another voice to go off of in feeling more comfortable in harmonizing with others.

I find interest in psychological subjects which I love to share with others if I hopefully am no bother so it's a mutually exchanged topic others can indulge in as well. Also I am a sucker for depth in stories tied to characters, development, details no matter if it's very small or if it is significant to the story or it's characters themselves.

I also am iffy about exchange of material items, though I do love specific silverware, cups, trays, the occasional jewelry (I favor rings or bracelets I guess? Necklaces sorta) if it means something to a close individual, and other small trinkets for me to admire or put to use.

My love language is quality time but what I love most is unapologetic, unfiltered, mutual conversation. With my tendency to overshare a lot of things despite my insecurities and hesitance I don't just want a listener. I want them to be invested as well. I myself do often put myself in the listener role though and am referred to as one's local counselor sometimes.

Very much radiating the burnt out gifted kid and mommy/daddy issues vibe because I've had enough trauma and damaged self worth from it but it's mostly inflicted upon myself rather than from others or in being inthe bystander/observing role or in being neglected. I grew up praised and spoiled really, even now referred to as such in my family, but in the present it overwhelms me and if anything I'd rather not do anything for others and them do nothing for me and in dismissing my existence.

Honestly I've developed a toxic mentality against myself, even being aggressive in trying to validate or dismiss issues involving myself alone.

I've made progress including ditching a habit of mine I've had all my life through sheer power of will and have stopped excessively apologizing for laughing as I find it annoying to some extent, though not as much anymore which is good. Though I will apologize for laughing when by myself and when breaking down in tears I end up having a personal therapy session in uncertainty about turning to someone else even though I am very open about my issues. I have no problem sharing information, I just overthink how it's recieved or if it's dismissed and insignificant so why try? Of course I'm also a hypocrite and validate others, trying to do so for myself gradually though it can be hard and becomes an aggressive battle mentally.

But yeah I usually put myself in the supporting role for others including friends and family even though I myself am the youngest to some extent.

I try to encourage a space of comfort and validation for others and as emotionally assertive or reassuring/validating I can be, often turning heartfelt though significantly more blunt and assertive, I also have crackhead energy sometimes to be honest. Often with strange mental conversations or comments spewing out, a significant questioning being related to society. People confuse, frighten, or entertain me a majority of the time.

Anyways yeah to put it simply (and sorry to go on a long tangent and apologies if I contradicted myself or if I sounded repetitive);

Chaotic individual of the ace/bi spectrum that is highly emotional with abandonment issues, familial trauma, high insecurities related to my mere existence, and I obviously ramble a l o t.

A (not so) few other details; compared to some of the giants I am a small marshmallow (not too fluffy but kinda-) standing at around 5'2" with an internal inferno of emotions I currently withhold inside me and instead giggling excessively or spilling tears when I get emotional. Or aggressively cussing but that's usually by myself, but I am a bit clumsy and forgetful overall. Also my sleep schedule is a total mess of which I may have previously mentioned and I have significant words and phrases taking up the majority of my vocabulary I put to use in writing or conversing. Also I can get significantly fired up about topics related to terrible parenting, terrible people in general, unnecessary gendered stereotypes and objects for no reason what so ever, and in validating others. Also I am a forgetful mess as I've stated I believe two other times. I can forget a topic entirely midsentence or go on tangents about unrelated topics while having originally interrupted myself. Also last minute note/s, I wear glasses and often joke about being blind as hell and needing my access to sight. And regarding what I wear I typically avoid branded material cuz of my unreasonable insecurities, and I go for more subtle things of black/blue but I do have other options. I just mainly go for subtle/reserved in appearance that's comfortable for me and I typically wear jeans and just- sneakers or crocs for the indoors. Also I can imagine the slight possibility of me snagging tops from my partner if they didn't mind, an example of me wearing other's things typically being my dad's shirts on occasion and the rare item of my mom's originally or my older sister.

Yep definitely went off, sorry if this is overwhelming or if it includes a ton of unnecessary details :')

Don't stress yourself especially at my expense please—

Sorry it took so long, heres your match!

C!Philza

Oh no, look the old man adopted another kid /s

This man raised two boys on his own, hes so ready to help you if you become overwhelmed

Learns what you order so you dont have to talk to the cashier if you dont want to

If you need to pace, he will step back and let you do your thing

Checking in occasionally to make sure your alright

Will definitely try and make you have a healthy sleep schedule

Will definitely listen to you rant about any topic you start to rant about

Its healthy to get things like that off your chest