#sorry for the personal rambling esp. to all my new followers but to be fair it's 8:55am and I'm still awake | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

one-abuse-survivor · 3 years

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Hiya, I sent an ask a while back about having been neglected as a kid and having had a fight with my mom. Your response made me feel really validated, i guess, really listened to, so I wanted to thank you and also tell you how I'm doing now.

I was upset by what happened for a while. I'm still kind of upset in a way, just like how a part of me still feels sad about past incidents. I think it's something I'll remember for a long time, something that'll significantly effect how I feel about our relationship, even if just in the back of my mind, for years to come. Idk maybe that's dumb and dramatic, but with past incidents what upsets me most is that she never apologizes. She snaps at me just for feeling how i feel in the moment, even if it has nothing to do with her, then she gets to move on while I feel like garbage. It sucks.

When we had our argument a few months ago, it was during a really rough time for our family, but her especially. My grandpa was in an accident, and she lost her new job cause she had to take care of him. My brother was preparing to move to another state, being away from us for the first time. It was just a lot, and it was only a matter of time before she went off on someone.

I'm aware that that doesn't make it okay, though. It's not okay, it's not excusable. I didn't deserve to be treated that way.

My mom is a good mom. She's not a fantastic mom, in fact realistically i probably should have been taken away at some point as a child. But my mom loves me, she supports me, she builds me up, she accepts me and believes in me. Unfortunately it's like you said, some parents love as a feeling and not an action, and i think that applies to my mom. But she at least makes sure i feel loved even if she never excelled at caring for me.

I've been wondering if it'd do any good to ever confront her about the things that happened. Like I said, what hurts the most is that she doesn't apologize, and when it comes to the neglect I don't even know if she remembers. I don't know if it'd do her or me any good to bring it up. But i hate feeling like no one even knows it happened. I know one thing, though, and that's that if I do tell her, it'll be years down the line when I've become an independent adult. Idk i just don't feel like I can confront her with what she let happen when I'm living with her dad and she's paying for my phone and medication, yknow? It doesn't feel fair. I wanna have a good relationship with my mom, and i do currently like 99.9% of the time. But if I'm going to confront her or stand up to her, i need to be able to support myself without her, yknow?? So that'll allow me to take a lot of time to think about it lol.

Mmmmm I'm sorry this is a lot of rambling.... And i know it seems like I'm making excuses for my mom, but I'm not trying to. Actually I'm trying hard not to be too lenient cause all my life I've been enraged by anyone merely hinting that my mom might be in the wrong about something. Part of me feels so terrible writing this, esp when me and my mom had a really fun day today. I don't want you to think my mom is horrible- not that it matters since I'm on anon but still lol. My mom is a kind person, a loyal friend, a diligent worker, and a supportive and loving mother. She isn't perfect, but in many ways she was better than her mother, and if i have kids I'll definitely do better than my mom.

Um sorry. I've kind of been going on a tangent. I hope i haven't said anything weird (I'm very sleepy lol). I'm sorry there isn't really a question in here at all

But again, thank you for your response. You really made me feel validated for the first time in a while. Your blog always makes me feel safe and validated, your responses are always so thoughtful and kind- i feel like I've gained a lot in the short time I've followed you.

(In case I send an ask again later, can we please call me,,,, mmm how about faerie anon, if that's not taken?)

(Previous ask)

Hey, nonnie. I’m really happy I could make you feel listened to and validated, and I’m sorry your mum snaps at you for feeling the way you feel in some moments. You’re allowed to have and express all the spectrum of feelings without being punished or hurt because of it, and I don’t think it’s dramatic to admit that her behaviour toward you is going to stay in your mind for a long time. It's really unfair that she gets go move on as though nothing happened and there's nothing she should apologise for, while all the pain she caused sticks with you 😔 I know that feeling really well, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm glad you can see just because she was going through a rough patch it doesn't mean you deserved to be treated the way she treated you. And I'm also glad you can see that even if she's made you feel loved through her words, her actions have hurt you. As I said on your previous ask, the fact that abusive/neglectful parents can love you and still hurt you is a very painful truth, and one that's not always easy to come to terms with, but it's really important to remember their love doesn't take away the pain they've caused, and I'm proud of you for keeping that in mind and allowing yourself to be upset by the past incidents that still hurt you today.

I agree confronting her right now might not be the best idea. Sadly, many abusive and neglectful parents don't take it well when you try to hold them accountable and tend respond with gaslighting or guilt-trips or brushing you off altogether. I don't think it would be unfair to her to try and hold her accountable while she supports you financially in some aspects, because your mom's help is not something you should have to earn—but it is true you'll be safer if you do it when you're independent, because you'll have more tools to support yourself, both financial and emotional, and you'll be able to establish more boundaries if her reaction isn’t what you wanted it to be.

I can understand why you feel terrible for writing all this, nonnie, because that's how I felt about talking about my mother's abuse for years as well—like I was being unfair to her, and a terrible child, and selfish. And I'd also remind myself of all the good things whenever I talked about the bad ones. I think, in my case, it was a response she'd ingrained in me by always reminding me of every good thing she'd done for me whenever I even hinted at being upset with her. And I hope you know it's understandable to have this kind of reaction when your parent has showed you love and caused you trauma. It's okay if it's hard to talk about the pain she's caused you without feeling like you're being unfair to her.

But it's also okay to talk about it. It's okay to be open about your feelings. You don't deserve to keep it all in for her sake—you're not bad or selfish or terrible for being affected by the way she treats you, and you can talk about the negative aspects without forgetting about the good ones and the things you’re grateful for.

Sending a huge virtual hug your way, nonnie ❤️ and thank you for the kind words about my blog 😊

#Faerie anon #ask #neglect #neglectful mother #neglect tw #trauma tw #abuse mention

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sillyfudgemonkeys · 4 years

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this is an outta nowhere question but what are your thoughts on Joker in Smash about a year since he was added? I've heard some folks say the reason the Persona fandom got so toxic is bc Smash got involved and I wanted to know what you thought since you've been in it way longer than P5 and Joker in Smash

Short answer: Yes AND No.

Long answer (it’s me of course it’s gonna be under the cut due to length 8U):

I’mma be honest, there’s always toxic fans. I know Smash Fans (and Nintendo fans in general) haven’t exactly been peaches, esp when it comes to Twitter (which I think is also an issue atm). But there were toxic fans before than and there’ll be toxic fans later. It’s just life tbh. (dunno where to put this but I’ll put it here: Twitter nowadays is like 2012-2015ish Tumblr, different being Tumblr was a bit more hiveminded and if you disagreed with a popular fandom opinion you.....were kinda bullied let’s be honest so no one could really say their opinions. While Twitter now it’s not a hivemind but instead two sided extremist that you need to choose. Both toxic and similar but just a taaaaad bit different, I’d probs take the two extremist sides over the hivemind if I had to chose tho...even tho Tumblr had better content during that era than Twitter right now imo but that’s in general and not Persona only. 8U Tumblr’s REALLY calmed down since the porn ban I’m not gonna lie, and ironically that’s roughly around the time that Twitter started getting shitty. So like....kinda saying there’s a correlation, I think a lot of toxic tumblr people probably migrated to twitter, and while there’s toxic fans everywhere it feels like a lot gather on Twitter so it really highlights the fandom there sadly).

From my experience (which is from P4 PS2 era onward, I missed the pre-P4 P3 PS2 era stuff but apparently there were waifu wars which from what I’ve found I probs would’ve just classified as “shipping war” stuff rather than waifu wars....and it seemed liked standard shipping war stuff from back then), the bigger a fandom grows the more fans it obviously attracts, but that also means more toxic fans too. And that’s why I say yes and no for the smash community, yes because they did attract more fans (and their community seems to be a bit toxic atm, like I get expressing your wants to a company and I support that! but the INSTANT you don’t get a specific character announced for the fighter pass and instead of just being like “oh golly darn :(” but instead “***** this place ***** Nintendo you all suck ****** *slur* *slur*” yeah no that’s a little....you gotta take a step back buddy, so yeah I’m sure there’s a bit more toxic fans in that fandom atm but they are also a BIG ASS FANDOM so I’m not surprised), but it’s also just the cause and effect of the fandom getting bigger in general.

It happened when P4 got it’s anime (btw anime fans ya still valid and are a Persona fan, just keep in mind if you wanna talk lore just know you did watch a very abridged version of the game so be aware you might have somethings wrong cause of that.....cause I’ve seen it happen.....DX btw let’s play watchers are also real Persona fans and I’d say even people who just like Joker in Smash are at least Joker fans and that’s ok too enough gate keeping guys DX), it happened when we started getting spinoffs, kinda with the P3 movies (only really cause FeMC fans were salty or P3 fans upset what was cut/changed, but it wasn’t on any toxic level tbh just normal complaints, I think the fact it was a movie instead of an anime bypassed newer fans than with P4/5 animes), it happened when P5 solidified it into the mainstream gaming market (I’ll stand by P4 helped break Persona into it via all the other avenues of mainstream, with P5 finally latching the main series into mainstream games.....I say mainstream cause spinoffs are looking the same as pre mainstream which.....>.> *shrugs* could be better imo), it happened with P5′s anime, and it happened with Smash Bros. And tbh I’m sure it happened or will happen with the Steam community (and Switch/Xbox if it ever goes there too) and P4G (P4 fans go through the same cycle of BS constantly, most of which I believe originated with the anime generation, that it’s hard to tell if there was an uptick or not). And it’ll probs get an uptick again with P6, and then P6′s anime. And maybe manga cause maybe P6 fans like the P5 fans and won’t listen when people say “don’t get attached to the manga name it’s probs not gonna be used so hold off till the anime” but hey let’s have drama for no reason cause we need it. 8U (obvie you can still like the manga name, it’s more for people complaining about name changes or not getting why Atlus just didn’t keep the manga name even tho an explanation is probs within arm’s reach and they were warned beforehand)

*sighs* Sorry back on topic, each time the fandom grows so will toxic fans. Tbh I feel like the phrase “toxic fans” are thrown around a lot. And it’s esp used for only....”haters” it feels like and I don’t think that’s right (cause it can be fans too), it just feels like ANY negativity (even constructive and kept reigned in by certain users) is viewed as that. Like take me, I’m sure I’m probs labeled as a “toxic fan” due to be being a Megaten/Persona fan but disliking P5 and talking shit/calling it out. But I try my damnedest to do that in the appropriate places (ie my personal blog, maybe a confessions place, or a thread/board that’s expressing negatives only OR it’s explaining/expressing pros and cons type of stuff, I find that to be the best because it keeps people who want to vent away from people who want to gush so no war happens, not saying I am perfect or you HAVE to follow this or you are toxic, it’s what I decided to ascribe to and find it works well and good enough and it gives me a better fandom experience). Aka, I don’t go on twitter to someone’s fanart of Yukari or Makoto and trash the character because I’m not a freaking asshole (or in this case a ~toxic fan~). But this also applies to the “fans” as well who will talk about something they like (character/game) but the ONLY way they can raise it up is by tearing down something else (other character/game), it’s really rude and also toxic as well. Negativity is not inherently bad all the time, and Positivity is not inherently good all the time (with positivity it’s more of giving yourself a break from it rather than saying something positive can be bad at times, tho I’m sure there are times that-that has happened but it’s 2:30 am and I don’t want to think of an example for that). It’s how it’s used/expressed. I see the Twitter community trying to combat the “negativity” by trying to only spread “positivity” and I’m afraid 1) any negative expression, even constructive, will be scorned (I guess I’m afraid of us going back to a hivemind mentality again), but most importantly 2) the people trying to head it are going to be burned out and it’ll hurt them mentally (I do not want it to happen obvie, but I know personally it can wear you down which is why I’m concerned). Don’t get me wrong I love what they are doing/trying to do, but I think we’re generalizing the word “negativity” and “positivity” a bit too much and it’s just raising a few red flags for me (I’m just hoping I’m being paranoid/overanalyzing in this case).

Uhhh there was one last thing I wanted to address.....Oh yeah gate keeping. I know you asked about Smash but this stuff is kinda related and hey think of it as a history lesson for the Persona fandom (or at least Nusona cause I didn’t have a game system in the 90s ;_; plus wee little me wouldn’t have been able to find P1/2 fandoms back then due to me not really using the internet like I do nowadays till around P3 was probs released). Plus you know how long winded I am so this is kinda what you sign up for, 3 am ramblings of overexplaining~! But gdi I will try to cover all the bases and get my point across in....some fashion. 8U

But yeah, Gatekeeping in relation to the Smash fans, cause I see Persona fans shit on new fans that got into Persona through Smash (I know above I said Joker fans are valid Joker fans rather than Persona fans, but I’m assuming they’ve yet to play/watch Persona and are just aware of Joker and are a fan of him vs the fans who saw Joker and then watch/played the games to get into the fandom. One set is a fan of a character vs the other set got into a franchise because of said character. Like I wouldn’t say I’m a FE fan cause I liked Marth/Roy in SSBM, which is why I have that distinction myself BUT if you wanna call yourself a Persona fan that’s valid, you’re valid, it’s whatever, I don’t really care about the details that much, I just have two categories for convenience). Anyway I don’t think it’s fair to shit on them. Same as I don’t think it’s fair to shit on anime only or manga only fans. Or if they got into the fandom through Nusona (Oldsona is P1/2, Nusona is P3-5 atm). Or Oldsona. Or another Megaten game.

Maybe it’s cause I came from P4, where it got shit on cause it wasn’t (”dark”) like P3, it wasn’t (”dark”) like Oldsona, it wasn’t “dark” like other Megaten games, it got shit on every way to Sunday for daring to try to have a more lightened mood at times (3 murders happen, we see 3 dead bodies, a 6 yo dies onscreen, we have characters going through intense existential crises, we deal with characters mourning through death as well as other relatable struggles, basically shows our teammates die one by one in the final boss, having a chance to hear Naoto’s death scream on the phone if you don’t stop Adachi, just the “you didn’t save the person” phone calls in general, talks about society’s toxic gender roles and how it can negatively effect a person both to an extreme extent and minor, god forbid they eat an animal cracker to lighten the mood, and this isn’t counting the dark shit that happens in the spinoffs). As if P1/2/3 don’t have comedy, or any other Megaten game, all the demons are freaking weird of course there is comedy. Oh and it also got shit on for going mainstream first, and not even counting that it got shit on for spinoffs (which P3 was included but no P3 gets a pass for some reason), and the fact that it was shit on for not being P5 (before and a little while after P5 came out) because it wasn’t “dark” like P5 (fdksjafajkfljafj P5 has it’s moments, esp with Shiho, tho P4D did it first and went through with it, but seriously each game has it’s own light and dark moments and one isn’t better than the other only cause they have more of one than the other). And....*sigh* let’s just say thank god that I was able to buy other Megaten games right before the flood gates of shit came in, cause I dunno if I would’ve wanted to give it a chance if I had to hear my fav game shit on constantly. I say I dunno cause tbh I was craving more after P4 so badly I still would’ve probs gotten into it regardless of the fandom, I wanted more from the franchise even if it wasn’t 100% like P4.

But tbh I don’t blame P5 fans, anime fans, or Smash fans for maybe not wanting to get into the rest of the series. I get old fans of whatever feeling like they are...I dunno being invaded? By new people in the fandom. Or their afraid of new fans not fully understanding the franchise (hey guys that’s where you teach people instead of try to passive aggressively try to get them to leave the fandom I dunno maybe make posts to educate instead of trying to push away??? 030). And change is hard and yeah. And maybe you don’t like the new game (keep in mind there’s a diff between saying “*insert* Sux” and “I don’t like *insert* because...” one’s shitting on something and the other is constructive), but hey shitting on the game they like is probs not gonna win them over to your fav game sflkdjafkjafja Educate and be helpful, don’t gatekeep and drive people away. That’s a sure fire way for us to lose this franchise (remember we almost lost Atlus all together, but it was able to get a 2nd life thanks to P4 saving it....tbh probably wouldn’t have ever gotten P5 nor SMTV nor any spinoffs if not for P4′s success with its game and anime, this is both a history lesson and a word of warning since it already almost happened once).

Tldr; Smash didn’t help but it’s really just the fact the fandom got bigger and bigger fandom means we also end up getting more toxic fans mixed in. Twitter now is basically 2012-2015!Tumblr (diff is Tumblr’s was a hivemind vs Twitter’s now extremist two sides only thing), and Tumblr’s porn ban probably migrated a lot of their toxic fans to Twitter which probs hasn’t helped any fandoms on there. Negativity in general isn’t an issue, it’s if you’re being an outright asshole where it’s an issue. Don’t be an asshole in general, if you need to vent then vent where you need to, if you wanna gush then gush were you need to and without bringing anyone/anything down obvie. You are a Persona fan, regardless of where/how you started. Don’t gatekeep for the love of god, or so help me Jack Frost will sneak into your house and smack you in the face with a snowball (and if he doesn’t then I will.....jk...half jk 8U). Also *sprinkles of (allusions to? I dunno I tried it’s 3 am and my 2nd try on answering this and the first one was just as long) Silly’s Persona fandom history lessons throughout the post*

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alteregowo · 7 years

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Hi! I love Dan and Phil, individually and together, but I think they're not trying to hide a romantic relationship. Don't you think that after ten years, they'd finally come out if they were? I mean there are a lot of gay couples on youtube and it would not be that big of a deal today than it was in 2007. Just wanted to hear your opinion on that. Have a nice day!

before i answer, disclaimer: i have ADD and this post might get messy since i find it difficult to concentrate and phrase myself properly (and english isn’t even my main language!)

well, i’m not gonna try and force my own views down your throat or anything but let me ramble a bit about why i wholeheartedly believe dan and phil are in a relationship;

i think i’ll start with the very fact that they recently moved to their third shared home together. say whatever you want to say but if they were indeed just friends, considering they’re in their mid 20s and 30 dont you think they’d want to move out separately and get going with their lives? and dont you think they wouldn’t be so keen on making comments about keeping living together in the long run (or forever…. a forever home say whaaaat).

now, you might argue with the good ol’ “but they benefit from living together regardless of relationship status”. fair enough. however, let me point out that it has became as clear as day especially in 2017 that they share a bedroom. i don’t know about you but i don’t think two strictly platonic friends who just moved into a duplex would want/ need to share a bedroom unless they’re uhhh mayhaps in a relationship and love to cuddle? i know a wild concept…….

and i’m sorry but if you want to argue against the shared bedroom fact with the shoebox phil claims is “his room” i have nothing to say but shake my head. no way phil actually lives in that room that has no windows and no space to move around and why is the entire room crammed in this one corner… where is the rest of the room……. and why is that room has no personal touch to it…. it’s literally just AmazingPhil props and things……… feels much more like a set to me than an actual bedroom. (also we saw phil’s mirror and hair straighter in the moon room aka “”dan’s bedroom”” which i think we can all collectively agree is simply “the bedroom”)

another thing that strikes me is how dan joins phil’s family vacations (especially in 2017) and how he seems to become part of the family much more than anyone who’s classified as “platonic” to phil would have. dan is just as much of a lester as cornelia is? dan joins the lesters just as much and as frequent as a spouse would. in fact, dan joins the lesters so much on their adventures that if im not wrong, the longest dan and phil spent apart in 2017 was not more than a weekend? that’s whack!

now these were just three things that were very prominent in 2017 regarding the belief whether dan and phil are in a relationship or not that were “behind the scenes”as in going on in their personal lives, kind of? i mean sure we see the shoebox on AmazingPhil and the moon room in some liveshows and we get pictures from their shared vacations but now i will move on to what we see on screen across their channels

i’ll start this with a throwback to the boncas bc i think that damn speech is enough to debunk any “uwu platonic” argument, ever. i don’t think phil would have done THAT if dan didn’t mean a whole lot to him and i think saying the universe would rip in half in they go apart is a concrete proof that they themselves can;t and don’t want to imagine a life in which they are not joint at the hip.

moving on to gamingmas, which i will forever find so significant?? they broke a lot of boundaries during that month regarding of invading personal space, a bit of a more mature humor (esp on phil’s account), casual touching and a whole lot of flirting and a lot less (almost none at all) looks straight into the camera to show they are aware this is filmed or to do a “wtf is this lol” kinda thing. gamingmas was a turning point. i will forever firmly believe they did all of that in an attempt to normalize this kind of behavior on screen (and it definitely worked!)

dan and phil continued the vibes of gamingmas well into 2017 and the casual touches, lingering gazes and flirting (as well as expressing affection towards males in specific) is now the normal running theme over at dapg to a degree where we don;t even lose our shit anymore. we joke and meme but nothing strikes us as overwhelming bc we are “used” to it, which i think dan and phil aimed for i genuinely think they wanted to get to this stage of showing more comfort and more intimacy on screen without everyone and their mothers going whack over “pHaN iS rEaL!!!!!1″ and for it all to come across as oh so casual and chill!

so now you ask, “they go through all that why not just come out lol”

WELL, in my honest opinion, dan and phil will never officially come out as a couple. and you know what, maybe things would have been different if The Video didn’t leak and get spread around (twice, mind you.) but things happen and one thing lead to another and after all they have been through and how they were shaped as people and their experiences with guarding and protecting themselves and their privacy any sort of statement about whether or not they are a couple or just friends or even paid actors (let alone labeling themselves and their sexuality bluntly) is highly unrealistic. so if you are waiting for a coming out video or whatever to convince you that won’t ever happen i’m afraid.

dan and phil value their privacy and they have every right to do so.

so yes, maybe in the early days of 2009/10 they were very flirty all across social media and on camera and maybe just maybe you need to consider the few following things regarding why they stopped with that:

The Video leak. like honestly? can’t and won’t find any more justified reason to feel the need for privacy and shielding yourself and making comments on how ‘het’ you are for instance just to brush off the most intimate thing imaginable that since has been glorified and memorized by millions(?) of people who were never meant to even know this video and that declaration of affection even exists. is it scary. and i fully understand the “no homo howell” phase and how awkward they appeared together on camera for awhile, very very proud of how far they;ve came esp in 2017 though.

the radio show! is it a little tied to The Video leak since the second leak happened when the radio show was still fairly new but before they moved to london (into their second shared home coughs) they weren’t all that big, you know? but with the popularity of the radio show came the increasing popularity of their youtube channels and their followers/ subscribers count went up and up and their content became exposed to a much larger range of audience and these new audience/ fans were not familiar with the past (at least not at first glance) and dan and phil needed to leave “good” impression (not that being flirty and dumb wasn’t good impression but it wasn’t all that professional and now they’ve grown big enough to be in need of professionalism.)

these two things were a turning point to how dan and phil view themselves on camera and their content itself (phil sticking to the AmazingPhil PG persona) (dan with his struggles with creativity and integrity zzzz) and really, considering their story (and how well known the early days are, and how dan and phil are aware to that…) it suddenly makes perfect sense why dan and phil aren’t in any sort of rush or need to ever come out.

however though, i think that the “post baking universe” as in the halloween 2016 baking video, the boncas speech, the european leg of tatinof, pinof 8, and gamingmas were a prep to this switch in dynamics we have seen in 2017 and that keeps very steady so far. feels as if late 2016 was so “wild” bc they were testing the waters and our reactions to see if they wanna pull through with this change.

so, even if they will never officially come out, their dynamic both on and off screen screams that they are literal boyfriends and they don’t need to spell it out for us to know and see. anyone who cares enough about their relationship status and look at their content with it in mind can very obviously and easily see how in love these two dorks are. same love from the early days of 2009/10 only now it has shifted into a steady, secure, safe, most wonderful thing and you can see that their love towards each other in filling their hearts with pure joy.

so yeah, dan and phil are definitely in a relationship and that doesn’t seem to change anytime soon, if ever at all.

(THAT WAS SO MESSY IM SORRY BUT I HOPE MY POINT CAME ACROSS?)

#Anonymous #phan #sorry this is so dumb #i feel so demon.... no phannie...........#hpw can people doubt their love in the year of 2017 is beyond me #haha it was fun to ramble though i missed ranting about dnp i havent in ages

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lavieendonna · 8 years

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+++ I can't figure out whether he's like genuinely confused about where to go with us or if he's just trying to bail without bailing, ya know? Like I'm willing to put in the effort if he is and I think he's worth the effort that it'd take but I just don't think he's willing but I refuse to let him off easy and be the one to walk away

part 3

Yo, first up, thanks for the update! Even though it’s not really ‘good news’, i like to know how my anons get on with their lives, esp. when they come to me for advice or to vent or whatever. In regards to this particular situation, I have a couple different point of views that you 100% probably haven’t asked for. Disclaimer: I don’t really know if what I’m about to say is advice or if it’s just giving you some angles to think about - so if nothing I say makes you feel better at all then feel free to completely ignore me. [this is getting really lengthy so imma put a read more riiiiiiigghhhht here]

I can definitely understand your frustration about what he’s doing here. Without really knowing him, I can’t make any flash judgements or anything about his character and if it’s normal for him to suddenly space off - but like I said in the first series of events, he is a boy and I feel like (in my experience) this is following almost-normal boy/male patterns. It is not fair for him to be so into you and tell you all of these things, only for him to turn around and mix up the signals by saying, “I really like you but…” [insert lame excuse here]. By the sounds of things, you know how unfair that is. And I really admire your willingness and your drive to hold onto him. He must mean a hell of a lot to you if you’re exerting so much effort into him and the relationship you’re trying to build. I know how much it can suck when you realise the other person isn’t meeting you half-way.

I think I told you to be brave in the first series of events you came to me with, and right now, based on this progression of events, I think that you need to be brave for a different reason. Or, in a different way. You’ve done a really amazing thing by putting yourself out there, establishing the kind of relationship you want from this guy and sticking to that and sticking to your guns by refusing to let him go. But being brave also means knowing when a sacrifice is needed - or, even better, when a sacrifice is inevitable. Sometimes, despite everything we do and know and trust, despite how much we love/care for someone, we have to recognise when it’s becoming a hazard. I know that sounds really dumb or cliche or whatever, but it’s true. Because at some point, if that person isn’t recognising your efforts or if they’re not allowing you to love and care for them or not even accepting the fact that this is how you want it to be, it’s gonna start hurting you more than it should. While you’re devoting yourself to this person, you might forget that you are just as important as they are in your life - hell, you’re more important than they are in your life especially if this is how they’re acting. Sometimes, walking away first might be the safest option. The good thing about being the first to walk, is that you’re in control of how much you get hurt if/when it ends. If you leave it up to him, he takes the reigns and the minute you let him have control of your emotions like that, everything else in your life will depend on him. And you are too fucking important and valid and strong for that.

That being said, I’m gunna turn the table for a second. Because I have been in this struggling LDR before and let me tell you, it wasn’t in your shoes. Being in a LDR, especially one where you haven’t actually met each other in the flesh, is really hard to deal with emotionally. And this guy, he’s kind of in the right as well. Just like you’re right to be frustrated by his mixed signals, he’s right to want more for you. Just because he’s mixing his signals (which, again, is a completely male thing for him to do and I’m unsurprised that it’s happened), it doesn’t mean that he wants to bail. When this happened to me, I was in the same boat as him and I felt like I was keeping my guy on my hook unfairly. I felt it wasn’t fair that I wasn’t there to comfort him when he was upset, that I wasn’t there to be with him and to touch him and to give him all that contact that a healthy relationship needed. I made the realisation that this guy, who was literally on the other side of the world to me, was depending on me and he was devoted to a girl who he truly didn’t know. He thrust the reigns of his emotions into my hands and I didn’t want to be responsible for that much damage. Because I knew that I would never be able to give 100% to him and even though me choosing to walk ended our entire relationship and even our friendship, I knew it was the right thing to. He mightn’t have seen it then, but he knew it too and when we caught up a few years after that for a 5 minute conversation, he agreed that he was happier than he had ever been.

Sorry to babble on about my life story, but do you get where I’m coming from? The basis of what I’m suggesting is just that maybe he’s overwhelmed, or maybe he’s deciding to take control of his own feelings too. It’s all about damage control, and while being distant isn’t the best way to go about it - theres a chance that his reasoning is justified.

I hope that at least one sentence of this made sense to you or (shooting long) gave yo a moment of clarity. I seem to have rambled a little bit more than I had anticipated but it was all in good faith. I really want this to work for you, and what i would do might be completely different to what you would do so I don’t want to tell you what’s right and what’s not. I just want to help in any way I can.

Sorry this is so long. At least you’ve never spoken to me IRL so you weren’t bored by the sound of my voice.

let me know how you get on. Big Love xox

#answered #anon #help #love

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