#sorry for the mess of pronouns. im obviously not gonna refer to them by name

[seraphim-soulmate]

nov 11, 2024

whoa just remembered that I tried to reach out to my ex (from highschool who I dated when I was 13) and was met with her husband emailing me back instead (I guess he's reading her emails 😬) who slings a an insult at me that could have been written by a 12 y/o 🫠

cw talk of an abusive relationship below

Note: as you read this, pls know I'm aware he's being manipulative, my notes and clarifications are just for me since there's no point in responding to his latest email but I'm setting the record straight for myself. also I use indentations and colors to indicate the difference btwn my messages and his.

first he emails me referring to her only as his "wife and mother of [his] child" and says it's a problem for us to "catch up" (he put it in quotation marks and I'm not sure why, just checked and I didn't say that in the emails I sent her either so ... ?) simply because we dated. in highschool. when I was 13. we still spoke on occasion after that, but I moved to a different country so we got estranged. Anyways, back to his email! He also says I tried to kiss her when I last saw her and that this is an issue bcs they were dating at the time, and is a "huge red flag" and a "clear violation of boundaries". I have not seen her since 2017 (shout-out to google calendar for keeping entries back that far) and I'm pretty sure they started dating in 2018? in any case, the keyword here being "tried to", but I honestly don't remember what we did the last time we saw each other so he could just be lying, seeing as it was 7 years ago. He then tells me to cease attempts at communication with her.

I respond, expressing that I'm confused as to why he's the one reaching out to me rather than, you know, the person who I emailed, and point out that she's a whole ass individual human being (not just his wife and mother of his child) and that it's weird that he's making decisions about who she can or cannot see. I clarify that I'm only trying to meet up with her platonically and that people who have previously dated, can in fact be just friends. I also address the kissing allegation (??? I can't believe that's a phrase I'm writing), saying that the last time I saw her being in 2017, I don't remember if they were dating at that point. I finish by saying that considering the amount of time that has passed, I assumed meeting up with her in a friendly manner would not be a threat to their marriage. I nevertheless propose that if it would make him more comfortable, I'd be happy to meet up with the both of them. Admittedly, I went a bit hard in my response bcs the situation was simply put, insane.

In his response, he lets me know that my "accusation" that he controls her and reduced her to her marital status was offensive to him (aw boohoo 😢). He then changes the narrative and instead of this being his own request, actually it's my ex who doesn't want to see me. He dismisses my clarification about the kissing situation by saying that it doesn't matter if I remember it or not (which... isn't really what I said but ok). so I guess that wasn't that important to him despite it being a main reason in the first email as to why he doesn't want her to see me. As for my proposal to meet up with both of them, he says, "I have no want to meet you as to me you are simply a nuisance."

Which. Who speaks like that. Who says that to another human being. I've known his wife for longer than he has and I'm just trying to find a solution bcs the apparent problem before this was that he was uncomfortable with her meeting up with her ex, which is also insane and controlling, but hey I want to see her and I'm willing to compromise.

I ignore all the clownery in his message and say it's fine if she doesn't want to see me, but is there a reason she couldn't tell me that herself? I finish by saying I don't understand his involvement if this was all along actually between her and I.

He responds. He RESPONDS. with one sentence.

"Being her husband means I take out the trash, thank you for understanding"

You know, like a normal person? Like a grown married adult man with a child speaking to another adult? So he entirely dodges the question. Hmm wow I wonder why someone wouldn't actually answer as to why their partner is unable to speak for themselves!!!!

I ignore the fact that he just called me TRASH (????) in my response and ask AGAIN, why she couldn't tell me that she didn't want to see me, if she asked him to intervene and I politely say I'd appreciate it if he could answer my question earnestly (you know, instead of just calling me trash).

he responds (I only just now remembered this whole thing happened and just checked my emails for it and hadn't yet read his response). "[She] doesn't want to reply to you and I don't want you to keep attempting to contact her. Simple, even you should be able to understand that. The fact that you keep insisting for more answers and keep prying further tells me that I am correct in my assessment of you."

So he still doesn't really answer 1) why she couldn't tell me herself if she apparently didn't want to see me 2) why he got involved, if it was just that she didn't want to see me. As I understand it, if you don't want to talk to someone, you just don't respond and they'll get the hint. You don't ... send out a messenger to say "I, as her husband, don't want you to see her bcs you dated in the past and tried to kiss her" when you simply don't want to talk to someone. Also, "even you should be able to understand that"??? ok so I'm also stupid now?? My "insistence for answers" and "prying" is literally just asking him to give me an answer bcs he HASN'T ACTUALLY DONE THAT.

So that was the "conversation" I guess! You'd think a controlling man would be able to keep his story straight but I guess that's also part of it- suddenly changing the narrative makes someone doubt themselves. I can see how someone could easily be reactionary and unintentionally derail the conversation to something he's comfortable with rather than him having to engage with the topic at hand. He is good at pissing people off for sure, which would make most people derail a conversation (and therefore not get their question addressed) or stop engaging out of frustration.

Like bro, obviously I know that if my ex were asking him to message me on her behalf, she would help him write what to say and not refer to me as trash. Actually knowing her, it is blindingly clear that he's being weird, manipulative, controlling her and none of this is coming from her. It just sucks that she's in this situation with this awful guy and she hasn't managed to make a clean break. God, I really hope that she finds the courage and material support to leave him. Interacting with him through an email was exhausting, I cannot begin to fathom what she must have to endure on a daily basis.