#sorry for my english and rant tags i just had to let it out lmao

[raventrigonsdaughter]

Enough time has passed: Aen Elle, specially Elder Blood should work like Invincible genetics aka ciri should have elf ears and with how her hair is styled in the the witcher 4 trailer she now has those pointy ears fuck it

[selfcareparker]

okay fghsgdj yes you can say girl ! my pronouns are she/her :) okay but fr pause, i read this like 3 minutes after you posted it (or at least my notif said 3mins lmao) bUT IM IN BED AND I USUALLY HAVE MY COMPUTER OPEN WITH YOUR RESPONSE SO I MAKE SURE I ADDRESS EVERYTHING AND THEN SEND IN THE ASK ON MY PHONE HDGSJSH anyway, time to get my ass up 😔 but wait i find you so funny like honestly, reading that cracked me all the way up. and i feel the “lol” thing so hard!!!! idk why i do it all the time (i’m tryna stop) but i’ll say something with lol at the beginning and lol at the end... it might be a defense mechanism at this point lol (😔) AND (i need to stop with the uppercase too it’s not funny anymore) I DONT KNOW WHY I LAUGHED SO HARD JDHSK WHEN YOU SAID ALSO AGAIN HAHAHAH LIKE UR HAHHAH also my sleep schedule is not pretty either lmao but i’m homeschooled so i never have to get up for anything? hhdhsis idk but i’m glad you slept!! you need sleep!!

also (pls no i cannot) why did i not know what ykwim meant until i reread this?? like it makes so much sense- anyway! i think it’s so cool that you’re excited for university! idk why but i do lol like you’re getting ready for the future (masters degree and all that) & you’re (maybe) going to england anyway so that’s cool haha (hopefully when you go you can see your relatives 🤞🏾)

the fact that you get happy seeing my asks i- 💓💓

you make me wanna go to London & England so bad urghhhh like i’ve only been out of the country once (to Canada for a family reunion) but it sounds so prettyyyyy & i’m so sorry that cov*d is messing everything up and i hope you can see your relatives soon :(

now to address the whole english speaking/writing: I FIND THAT SO WEIRD DUHSKSJ i don’t know how an english speaking person could say that if you don’t write it 100% grammatically correct.... that it’s wrong? when literally, over here at least, WE’RE SO GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT HAHHAAH in both the way we talk and write!! and lol you’re welcome,, AND THE PARAGRAPH DID MAKE SENSE HDHSJSH & your rant is fine because... that is actually a bit ??? bc no one writes with 100% grammar lol

OH MY GOSH (see this uppercase thing is addictive) YOU STUDIED LATIN FOR 6 YEARS??? that’s really cool 🥺 the way that you know/speak 3+ languages i- NOT EVEN 3+ LIKE 6+ (german, english, latin, french, serbian, italian, and everything that comes with latin lmao) even if it’s just a tiny bit like wowee. it is really fascinating!!! i had the opportunity to take latin and i... didnt. i took art instead BUT ONLY CUZ MY FRIENDS WERE IN THAT CLASS AND ART LOOKED FUN IM SORRY

PLEASE WHY DO YOU KNOW EVERYONE?? that sounds so fricking cool tell your mom (mum or mama it’s really fine lol) that she sounds awesome. i think Jamaica would be fun either way!! i mean it looks pretty from pictures? i was a baby so i honestly have no recollection hahaha

LMAOO NOT U SAYING THIS IS LONGER THAN SOME OF MY FICS- PLEASE GIRL IM TELLING YOU I VERBALLY LAUGHED HAHAHAHAHAH but yea you really don’t need to apologize i like reading everything you say 🥺 HDKSHS AND UR FINE WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT ME BEFORE uhhh hmm uhh lemme think i, well, i saw chaos walking yesterday (big tom holland fan over here) and it was alright.. my mom acted a fool at all the jump scares LMAO but it was funny... since i’m talking about movies (this is hella random i know) but i like shark movies HDKJSSJ my favorite is the meg (it’s so good ohmigosh) and the 47 meters down movies aren’t bad either... i have two younger brothers... iiiii AM IN LOVE WITH MUSIC PHEW anddd i’m homeschooled (i think i mentioned that lol) i think that’s a good amount ahahaha AND IM HUNGRY RN JDHSJ

now. please. let me address the edit. i just want you to know that.. when i talk about your fics and i finish them and everything i’m not looking for more? like obviously if you’re writing i’m gonna read it but you don’t need to feel pressured or anything (idk if you do) to put more fics out lol like they’re great and i’m just sending the praise bc i love the ones that are there :’) but i’m so happy you’re working through your writers block!!! yay so so happy for you!!! and PUHLEASE anything you write is fantastic, i feel the exact same way when i write but girl. you’re fine. it’s gonna be great. (idk if this made any sense but... okay)

(and my cousin calls her mom mama so it’s really okay hahah i even call my mom mama sometimes) (and where you got the number “16 sentences” beats me but i still cracked up) (is this me pretending i had tags? maybe) HAHAHAHA OK BYE ❤️❤️ why did this take me so long to send i have no clue, AND WHY AM I OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING I SAID SHAJSHSJ ANYWAY BYE btw i love us too... like iconic // lovely anon 💓

me reading this:

also the dedication you put into sending me stuff— like with the laptop and phone and ahsksk 🥺🥺🥺

i’ll update you when i’ve started uni btw, i’m getting more and more excited every single day haha but i still have 3 weeks until it starts and even then I’ll obviously have to get used to it and everything, but you’re making me even more excited about it sksjshsg

yeah i wanna go to england too dkshsh let’s be sad together over the fact the we can’t travel eksjsh😔😭 but hopefully the wait will make it even better in the end <33 also i talk to loads of relatives over the phone at least once a week so it’s not too bad for me! but i miss their house 😭lmao

and i knowww snshsh so many native english speakers just make so many mistakes— and obviously i get that some things are slang but some things are simply wrong ajsh, the thing is no one has ever told me that my english is bad (i know it’s not bad anyway, but i’m still insecure) or no one has ever pointed out any mistakes, but yeah it’s mostly just insecurity dkshsg but yes thanks for saying what you said (previously as well as in this ask)😌🥰

Okay now for latin— girlll i don’t blame u for choosing art over latin esp. when all of your friends are doing art as well!! I’d choose art over latin as well lol skshsg but in year 6 we had to choose between latin and french, and at the time i didn’t like french? which was dumb of me and now i wanna learn french ekdhs but i don’t regret choosing latin at all bc if i properly learn french one day then i’ll already know understand loads of stuff (or at least some stuff lol) just thanks to latin 😌😌 but still, art>>>latin skskshshgs

I wanna watch chaos walking too!!! But i don’t get when/where/how it’s out lmao, cinemas are still closed here so i’ll either have to wait or find it somewhere online... il*egally 🥰 i don’t have high expectations at all btw but i like daisy and tom and the dog🥺 so i think i’ll enjoy it

GIRL SHARK FILMS SHARK FOLMS SKSJSHSHS okay so there are a few classics i haven’t watched yet, and also a few new ones that i haven’t seen yet BUT I LOVE SHARK FILMS SO MUCH SKSHSGSGSKK the first like proper shark film i ever watched was the shallows (which i like but my brain is still too small to comprehend what happened at the end (i mean i get it but i just can’t imagine it— idek if you’ve seen the film but skshhs)) and after watching it three times it does get a bit boring (but now whenever i see pictures or videos of big waves i’m just waiting for a shark to show up like come ON SKSJSG

^^^that pic/scene really traumatised me sksjsh but i still like the film

I only watched jaws like a few months ago, and i get that it’s a classic and also that it’s old and they just didn’t have the best.. equipment or special effects or whatever but i mean... look at meg and then look at jaws.... no disrespect to jaws at ALL but the meg is so much cooler. (That one scene on the boat where the shark just JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER AND SKSJSHHSUSJHA i get such a shock every time it’s so good (and the dog aww aksjshssli 🥺🥺🥰 and the boy with the ice cream lmao he’s iconic)

47 metres down, wow, i liked that film too. (i’ve only watched the original/first one i think) i mean that is such a fucking nightmare scenario like ALSJDHSNEMSKDJSHSJSKWBALSODUEWBSLDKHDJSNSKSKSHSGEBWKAISGSHEKEKSKLDJDJDHDHSHAGGA (that’s the best way i can express my feelings about that scenario lmao)

oh and i’ve recently been watching more horror films but i don’t know if they’re for me... I like the thrill and whatever but i just end up being scared for my life when i have to go to the bathroom at night or when i’m trying to sleep bc suddenly my mind is flooded with all the scary shit from the films 💀💀💀

and music i mean... you know those people who just don’t listen to music? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM???? i honestly like all genres especially in the last year, i am IN LOVE with Nicki Minaj + Megan andddd Stormzy and i like Harry Styles but i prefer his first solo album (and obviously one direction has bangers i have a throwback 1D session at least once a month), I also love MGK especially his new stuff and otherwise i mostly listen to german artists lmao. So who do you like?💖 (WHY DO I FEEL LIKE YOURE GONNA SAY SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SKAHAGUS IF YOU LISTEN TO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MUSIC DONT JUDGE ME AJSHDJS) (i know you’re not gonna judge me but)

++ @ the thing you said about writing, don’t worry, i don’t feel pressured at all!!! (not by you and not by anybody else.. except myself sometimes lol) and i’m just very happy that you liked my fics 🥰🥰🥰 and if i start telling people that i’m writing a fic then sometimes it puts a bit of (healthy) pressure on me. like yes sometimes it really is writer’s block, but sometimes i really am just lazy ddkshhd so now that i’ve told you i’m writing a fic i might get my ass up quicker than i would if i hadn’t told anyone 😌😌😌

[moonlight-at-dawn]

I actually enjoy critiquing the things i like, but many fandoms have asked me to leave or acted like that's a bad thing to do. I don't like the do-it-to-be-included culture that includes like, lapis lazuli is too neon blue in this episode, so steven universe is a problematic show. It's fun for me to figure out how a show could be better, but not fun to see people jump on silly unhelpful bandwagons. If you don't critique the thing you like at ALL, though, I don't like you. Everything personal.

This is clearly in response to that post I made in a fit of annoyance one night 3 years ago and left completely untagged, never expecting it to go viral. I can’t tell if your last two words “Everything personal” is meant to be “Everything is subjective to the person” or “All offense meant” lmao, I understand you were likely fighting against character limit, but with it follow “[...]I don’t like you” it gives it heavy implications of the latter.

So anyway, yeah, I’m slightly poking fun at the fact that you brought up that you love to “critique” but then you can’t even understand how, again, a single statement clearly composed in a fit of pique, is HARDLY indicative of my full views.

Of COURSE things should be viewed critically and critiqued, but common sense and common decency also come into play here. Common sense in that,

-nothing will be without faults because everything is created by individuals with their own biases and flaws, -so it’s important to always look at what was meant by the thing, whether or not it’s obviously a plot point or if it’s the author’s ignorance (seriously, when people are like “This character is MEAN and they make CONFLICT” ...YES! Do you not remember that CONFLICT is a key part of literature, this is 7th grade English in America, c’MON!), -and to then decide what is and isn’t a breaking point for YOU the INDIVIDUAL, and to respect other people’s choices! (No, I’m not saying respect people that, say, outwardly and loudly think L*lita is actually romantic, but you definitely should respect people who just like it, because you never know their story, and you aren’t entitled to it, but they may like it as a way of working through their trauma, or just as a way of investigating the human psyche, idk, I should’ve picked an example I’ve actually read)

And common DECENCY, in that, know when it’s time to say your critique. You’re welcome to them! But, let’s say I wanted to talk about the scene in Full Metal Panic, where Sousuke gives Kaname his lapis lazuli, and I talk about how meaningful it is, and how cute and sweet, and then you pop on and say “I thought it looked to bright :/” I’m gonna be annoyed! Because this isn’t the time or place! Make your own damn post! I’m specifically talking about something that brought me JOY, and now you’re coming in here and “well, actually”ing me, and it’s about something that ultimately doesn’t even matter! So what if it’s too bright!? I can understand being annoyed by it, hell, I might even actually agree with you, but it’s NOT the time or place!

So anyways, yeah, I never said “All critique is bad!” and neither do the vast majority of the people commenting on that post of mine. We’re just saying “Don’t come up with lies about morality just because you didn’t like this plot point,” “There’s no reason to ruin your enjoyment of something by nitpicking just because the internet told you so,” and other such related stuff.

The idea that everything needs to be dissected before you’re morally allowed to enjoy it is just absurd puritanical BS, and THAT’S the REAL “unhelpful bandwagon” around here.

EDITED TO ADD:

I ended up ranting and forgot to fully address, as there was one more thing I wanted to bring up. And that is:

ALL THIS SAID... You DON’T deserve to be bullied and pushed out of fandoms. There ARE going to be people will enjoy critiquing with you.

Since this is the internet and everything is pushed out into the ether, free of body language, facial expression, vocal intonation, and individual context, it may be important to just give a little more information as you go into your posts, and then you may find more like-minded people! Make your own posts, or comment on other people who are also already critiquing, and maybe just make it obvious that you enjoy the thing but you might’ve liked it better if...! Or, another good method, is to make sure you ALSO talk about the things you LIKED, the things that went WELL. This is critical to true critique, and can go a long way towards making it more immediately obvious in the ether of text, that you DO enjoy the thing and you want to talk about it, you just like to talk in this WAY! And that’s okay! That’s a great way to engage with media and there’s nothing wrong with it on its own merits!

But, just, really, do NOT ever critique on a fandom post that’s gushing over something, it’s incredibly rude because of the way these things are structured, it’s like sitting at a lunch table and interrupting a conversation to talk about how everyone’s favorite band they’re about to see in concert had a really disappointing last album. You might think you’re connecting, but you’re actually just a bummer. I don’t know if this is something you’ve done, but it’s certainly something I’ve seen happen, and just, yeah, don’t, lol

ETA 2: So I don’t leave this all in tags... I’m the idiot lmao, I think I completely missed two entire lines of text when I read and started answering and hooboy they were important. I’m incredibly sorry for my misunderstanding evident largely in the original text of my response!

[parkaiur]

Snowy Days - Jihoon

❀ genre: college life + romance + a dash of angst 

❀ word count: 5491

❀ a/n: just read the tags below but if ur too lazy to basically: don’t expect lots of updates and i just wrote this as a form of therapy for me. i guess i missed writing and needed to rant /shrugs/ 

also this title sucks but idk what to do with it either LMAO 

❀ ❀ ❀

It was a quiet, winter evening; the snow was gently falling outside and the laughter of college students filled the dorm hallways. 

I, on the other hand, was curled up in a ball on my bed, reading a book. The soft sounds of my hand turning the pages lulled me in a dreamland of swoon-worthy boys. 

Suddenly, I heard a loud bang. 

I flinched and jumped up on my bed to see what had dropped. 

“Sorry! Just dropped my pan, how’s it going?” I sighed thankfully, realizing it was just my roommate, Naeun. Naeun was a freshman like me; we hadn’t talked much before rooming together. We got along most of the time, but being around people just irked me sometimes.

I pointed at the book, trying to hide the girlish daze in my eyes. 

“Just reading, like usual.” I kept my words short, hoping she would get the hint that I wasn’t in the mood to talk. It wasn’t like I was mad at her or anything, but I need my breaks with all the socialness of college. I don’t think people understand how tiring it is for introverts to have to be “on” all the time; “on” meaning social. 

She nodded. “What book?” 

“It’s called ‘Win Some, Lose Some’ by Shay Savage. It’s a really amazing novel about a boy who was Autism and a girl who ...” I trailed off when I realized she had her back towards me. The sound of her pots and pans flying into her drawer was distracting. “A girl who befriends him basically. How was your day?” I asked politely. 

I braced myself for her long winded answer. Most people just say “good” or “it was pretty alright” but not Naeun, she pops off and talks about things no one really needs to know, and no one really cares. 

“It was okay. I saw one of my friends on campus and I waved to her because it’s so weird, right? Seeing people you know on such a large campus. And then I walked to English and my professor was just such in a good mood today, she’s so nice, I love her.” 

I smiled carefully, hoping she doesn’t realize how much I do not care about who she waves at or how her professor looks. 

“Then, I went to the library and did some of my math homework and I got started on the next chapter. And then I started to do my English homework which I got kind of stumped on. Anyway, all I could think about is this big burrito when I was studying.” She took out two large burritos and plopped them on a blue plate. 

I nodded and told her I was going to go back to my book. She nodded and right as I was about to plug in my earbuds to drown out her voice while I read, she stopped me with her voice.

“Hey, I’m bored, do you think Ahyoung and Somi are busy?” I took out my earbuds once more and shrugged. 

“Probably not.” 

“Hm. Is it cool if I invite them over? I mean, you don’t have to say yes if you just want to be alone, I know how you get like that.” 

I forced an awkward smile. “Um, I actually want to just chill and be alone, but you can always go to their rooms... they live in the same building.” I tried not to let my annoyance show in my voice, but it was rising. 

She furrowed her brows and sighed. “Yeah, but they’re so far...” She whined. 

Don’t roll your eyes. Don’t roll your eyes. Don’t roll your eyes. 

“I mean, they always come to our dorm, maybe go to them today?” I really didn’t care what she did, I just wanted to be alone. 

I turned on my music and opened my book so I didn’t have to hear her complain. She went back on her phone and I was content reading in peace. 

Five minutes later, I heard loud knocking on the door. 

What? She did not just...

“Oh, hey, Ahyoung! How’s it going?” 

No way, she did not just invite people over after I told her not to. 

I felt my blood boil, but I tried to keep my calm. I was not going to make a scene, especially since Ahyoung was my friend. 

I locked eyes with Naeun, who I visibly glared at. 

“It’s chill, y/n, you don’t have to talk we are just gonna hang a bit and then go watch some TV.” 

I bit my tongue to not snap at her. Her insensitivity was rubbing me the wrong way, but I didn’t want to blow up. We were all adults here, I didn’t want to seem like a child who got irritated when they were forced to socialize with their mom’s friends. 

Soon, I heard another knock. 

“Hey, Sooyoung! Come in, we are picking a show to watch.” 

I tried to calm down and read my book, but when I say I want to be alone, I really mean I want to be alone. 

I felt myself boil over in anger as I could still hear them over my earbuds. Their laughter and constant chatter couldn’t be tuned out. 

“Ok, we are gonna go to the lounge and watch TV. High five!” Naeun held her hand right in front of my face and I hit it just to make her leave. I swear, I’d rather hit her face instead. 

As soon as I heard the door slam shut, I pulled out my earbuds and went to rinse my face. 

How insensitive of her! I explicitly told her not to invite anyone over to the dorm, and there she goes. She can’t walk up one flight of stairs to see our friends?? So fucking rude. 

Living in the dorms as an introverted person was terribly hard. I don’t even know if introverted is the right word for it anymore if I want to go days without talking to people. And it sucks when no one truly understands me and doesn’t take my words seriously. 

I groaned and stared at myself in the mirror.

“Just two more quarters and you’re free for the summer.” 

I sighed and wiped my face on my towel. 

College was hard. 

I had found my group in college, but unfortunately, I had made the same mistakes as I did in high school. First, I stayed connected with some friends from high school who I had planned on cutting off. And most importantly, I put too much time and effort into people who disrespect me and don’t care for me. 

And now I live with someone like that. 

It angered me to feel so out of place, so alone in the dorms even when I had friends. Whenever I wanted to escape, there was no where to go. All my friends were here. 

I clenched my fist. 

All of a sudden, I couldn’t just sit down and read. I glanced over in the corner of the room and saw the camera from my photography class sitting there. 

I looked outside my window and saw the soft snow falling down. 

I quickly pulled on a warm, puffy jacket, jeans, and headed out to take some photos with my trustworthy camera. 

-----

The air was colder than I remembered. I felt my nose crinkle as the wind blew snow into my nose. 

The city was beautiful; it was painted in white sparkles. I snapped a few photos and took a deep breath. 

I loved being outside and having no one notice me; this was one of my favorite things about living in the city and college in general. I snapped pictures of groups of people walking across the street. The blur of the street lights combined with the softness of the snow captivated me. 

“Some nice pics you got there.” 

I jumped at the voice and almost dropped my camera; thankfully, it’s always wrapped around my neck.

“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t think you’d get so scared.” 

I looked up and saw a boy around my age staring at me. And dang, was he cute. 

I thanked God for the weather because my cheeks were already red. 

“Uh, um, it’s fine.” I fibbed quickly. I felt awkward because I didn’t know how to act around guys my age, especially ones as cute as him. 

Be friendly, be friendly. He just wants to be friends.

“Um, I’m y/n by the way.” I took out my hand to shake his. He chuckled and reciprocated the action.

“Jihoon, Park Jihoon. You live in this building too?” He pointed at the building next door to me. I shook my head and watched as the snow fell onto my shoulders.

“Oh no, I live in this one.” He nodded. “Are you a freshman?” I asked. 

He laughed heartily. I liked how he didn’t hide his emotions. “Oh no, I’m a sophomore this year but I’m an RA in this building.” 

I made an “O” shape with my mouth. “Ah, a resident adviser. I’m applying to be one next year, kinda nervous but hopefully I’ll get the job.” 

His eyes widened. “Oh really? I rarely meet people who want to baby a bunch of freshmen.” I laughed at his comment. “But hey, it’d be cool if we were in the same dorm next year. You could teach me to take such pretty pictures.” I laughed and flipped through the photos on my camera out of habit.

“Don’t get your hopes up, I haven’t even been accepted for the job yet. Also, I’m taking photography 101 with Professor Lee Miyoung, I’m sure she’s a better teacher than I am.” I teased. 

He shrugged. “Well, I doubt she’s as pretty as you.” 

My heart froze. 

W-what? Did he just flirt with me? Oh god, what do I say now? How do I flirt back? I-

“Sorry, was that weird? I wanted to call you pretty but I didn’t mean to lowkey talk about a professor’s beauty either.” He looked mildly embarrassed when he shook out his hair full of snow. 

I gave him a small smile. “Um, no, not weird, it was actually kind of smooth. I don’t really know how to respond to flirting.” 

Oh my god. I just said that. 

His eyes lit up mischievously as I tried not to blush even harder.

“Oh flirting? Is that what we are doing?” He teased.

“Technically, that’s what you are doing.” He laughed loudly and his voice echoed throughout the streets. I only hoped to have that loud of a voice as an RA. 

“You got me there.” He then looked down at his watch and frowned. 

“What’s wrong?”

He looked up at me with his soft brown puppy eyes. I swear this guy is too cute to be real. “Um, my shift is starting soon.” He then took out his phone. “I know we just met, but you seem pretty cool-”

Before he could finish, I took his phone and typed in my number.

“There, now you can teach me how to be an RA and I can teach you how to take photos.” I said as confidently as I could. 

He seemed a bit surprised at my voice, but nodded.

“Sounds great, see you later.” He waved to be as he walked away, but slipped on a patch of snow. 

“Ah, be careful!” I shouted. He gave me a small smile and walked back into his dorm.

Well, at least this day ended on a high note. 

-----

“Hey, where’d you go last night? We were wondering where you were at.” 

I’m an adult, I don’t have to tell you everywhere I go.

I bit back the words and forced a small smile. “Oh, I just went to take some photos for my photography class. The snow looked really pretty last night.” I left out the minor detail that a cute boy started to talk to me. I wanted to keep the giddiness to myself. 

“Oh cool. I just came back from the gym. I saw a really cute boy in there. He was really fit, dark skinned, dark hair. And he smiled at me and I smiled back. We didn’t get to talk because I was so out of breath, but I hope he’s at the gym again.” She went off without me asking her too. 

I understand that I’m being a bit tough on her, but she irritated me first by inviting people over when I told her not to. People always talk about communication in college, but sometimes people just don’t listen to you. 

“Cool, hope you see him again.” I said nicely. I have to put on a nice face with my roommates, as I don’t want to be in an awkward living situation. 

“Yeah... how was your day today?” 

-----

“And then she just invited you guys over, disregarding what I had just said before! Isn’t that rude?” I voiced to Ahyoung, my best friend. I’d known her before going to college, well, I’ve known her since we were 8. 

She looked a bit hesitant on what to say. 

I went on about the situation. “I’m not saying I hate seeing you guys, but you know how I get when I want to be alone. I...I just want to be alone and it makes me crazy when I see people. Plus, I told Naeun I wanted to chill out and be alone and then she just invites you guys over, without telling me?? I’m not crazy.” I ranted. 

Ahyoung sighed and took a sip of her coffee filled with milk and sugar. 

“I mean, she did say she was inviting us over in the groupchat.” 

I glared at the younger girl. “Excuse me, I was sitting right next to her, she knows I didn’t check my phone. It’s rude to not tell your roommate you’re inviting people over, and it’s even ruder when we just talked about how I didn’t want her to invite people over. It’s not like she forgot within the five minutes.” 

“True. That wasn’t nice of her.” I noticed she hesitated on saying anything bad about her. We were all friends, but I was the one who had problems with friends in the group, as usual. I didn’t like very many people, but I was civil and nice to everyone; that’s what being an adult is all about. 

“Yeah...” I trailed off. I don’t know when it got so weird between us, but it felt like I couldn’t talk to my best friend about things in my life. I didn’t even tell her about the cute guy who flirted with me. Deep inside of me, I knew she didn’t deserve to know these things about me when she didn’t want to hear the bad parts of my life. 

It felt like everyone wants to be around me when I’m laughing and joking, never when I’m serious and want to talk about my feelings. No one wants to listen when I want to rant about real things in life, yet they love when someone rants about some “dumb” thing a girl did in the hallway. 

I didn’t get why they judged people before they knew them. I always tried to talk with people before I made judgements, yet people think it’s weird when I judge people I talk to. That’s the way you’re supposed to judge people... when you get to know them personally. Duh.

As I was talking, I saw her eyes focused on something far away from me. 

I turned around and saw her crush standing there. She stopped listening to me as he waved at her. I saw her eyes bright up when she saw him and I grew annoyed. I was telling her about something that was bothering me, and then she chooses a boy over me. Not cool. 

“Hello? Earth to Ahyoung??” I teased. She shrugged me off. 

“He’s so cute. I know he doesn’t like me, but I can’t help myself.” 

I snorted. “Yeah, he doesn’t like you and actually, he only dates white girls and you my friend, are not white.” I knew I was being harsh, but I hear about him every single second and it angers me when I want to vent about something in my life and she doesn’t think I’m as important as her crush.

She flinched at my harsh words. 

“You just wouldn’t understand, you’ve never had a crush before. You’ve never been in love before.” She said matter of factly. 

Ouch. 

This was all true, but it hurt when she said it like that. I’ve never felt romantic love, wow, thanks for reminding me. Maybe I’m too busy taking care of my dumb friends who don’t care about me. 

Maybe.

-----

“Bye, see you later.” I waved her off as we both went to class.

As soon as I turned around, I saw a familiar face. 

Jihoon. 

I fixed my hair and prayed none of my mascara had smeared on my face. 

Be confident, make friends. 

“Hey, Jihoon.” He turned around with a confused look on his face. I felt a leap in my heart when he smiled at me.

“Oh hey y/n, it’s weird to see you without a camera.” He joked. 

I felt my heart skip a beat when he said my name; I was so used to people forgetting about me. 

“Hah, well it’s weird to see you in the daylight.” I joked. When I saw him left an eyebrow, I knew I said something wrong. 

I felt my face burn up at my own words. 

“Not like that.” I blubbered out. He let out a light laugh. 

“Well, I mean, you’re right.” He took note of my embarrassed state and changed the subject. “So, what class are you headed to?”

“History of the Ancient Greek and Roman worlds, how bout you?” 

“Woah, what an interesting class. I’m heading to choir practice actually.” That made me stop in my tracks.

“Wait, you sing?” 

He chuckled. “Yup, that is what you do in choir.” I felt a bit embarrassed at my statement. “I’m joking, I’m joking, but yes, I do sing. Have been doing so for my whole life.”

“I did choir up until high school, I didn’t feel good enough for college. I still don’t know how to read music and it’s been years.” 

“It’s hard, but you get used to it. You should give it a shot if you really want to though. Or come watch one of our performances.” I smiled at him.

“One day.” I stopped walking and pointed at the building in front of us. “This is me. I’ll see you later?” 

He nodded and smiled. 

“I’ll see you later.”

-----

Two weeks had passed and I hadn’t seen much of Jihoon. We waved to each other in passing, but it was midterms soon, and exams were the only thing on my mind. We sent each other memes daily though and we just got each other’s humor- that was rare. 

I was filling out my history study guide until I heard my roommate, Naeun, walk in.

“Hey, y/n~ Ahyoung, Sooyoung and I saw you talking to a boy yesterday~ Oooooooo what’s his name?” 

She sat right in front of me, not giving me any personal space. 

I tried not to blush but honestly, my face was turning red because I was so annoyed at her.

“His name is Jihoon. He’s an RA in the dorm next to us, we met at an RA informational meeting.” I lied. I didn’t want to tell her I ran out of the dorm because I couldn’t handle her and people.

“He’s cute, nice body too.” I felt a an overwhelming sense of jealously and protectiveness wash over me. I hated it. I didn’t want to be this person. I probably only felt this way because I didn’t like Naeun right now. 

“Yeah, you can have him if you want. I’m not into him.” I lied. 

She raised a brow. “Really? Don’t be upset if he falls for me then.” I knew she was joking when she flipped her hair dramatically, but I wasn’t into it. 

I felt my buried insecurities rise when I stared intensely at her face. Her eyebrows were neatly plucked, which I was always too scared to do. Her skin was tanned and even, not blotchy and red like mine. Her fashion was trendy and most boys liked her because of her socialness, on the contrary, I was awkward and mean to boys, unintentionally. 

I just went back to doing my homework, shaking off the comparison. 

-----

Later that night, I saw a message pop up in my texts which was weird because I usually mute everyone.

‘hey midterms are killing me and i dont understand anything... want ice cream?’ 

I tried not to laugh even though both my roommates were at the library. 

‘uhhh shouldnt u be studying if u dont understand anything?? mayb??’ 

‘LOL thats not how it works young padawan’ I rolled my eyes. He thinks he’s so much older than me. 

‘also I don’t eat ice cream, i don’t eat dairy’

‘... aight imma head out’ 

I snorted and tilted my head back in laughter. 

‘ok, no ice cream... what DO you like?’

You. I like you. 

... Definitely not sending that.

‘UMMM i like hot chocolate?’ 

‘okay, i’ll be at your dorm in 5. what is your room number again?’

‘303′ 

‘aight’ 

I looked down at short shorts and tank top and then at the harsh winds outside. I threw on a pair of cute leggings and a heavy sweater. I put on a black jacket over it and placed a beanie on my head. 

I did my brows and put on a few swipes of mascara. I carefully applied my lightly colored lip balm and sprayed face mist to look dewy and cute. 

Is this a date? Or is this just two friends being adventurous? 

Whatever, I want to look cute at least.

Seconds after I finish, I hear a knock at my door. I took a deep breath.

This isn’t a date. This isn’t a date. Calm down.

I opened the door. 

He was wearing a puffy jacket and dark black jeans that outlined his thigh muscles. Yum.

I also noticed he was wearing a gray beanie... which was identical to mine.

“Cute hat.” I noted. He grinned and tugged on my beanie. 

“Same goes for you. Ready for some hot chocolate?” 

“Yes, where are we going to get said chocolate caliente?” 

Jihoon gave me a weird look. “Chocolate what?” 

I stared at him, stunned. “Chocolate caliente. Caliente means hot in Spanish. Therefore, hot chocolate. You didn’t take Spanish in high school?” 

He shook his head. “Nope, I took Japanese because I’m a weeb.” I snorted. 

“Wow, I should be surprised but I’m not.” He pushed me playfully and I tried not to freak out over the warmth of his skin. 

“You’re telling me you don’t watch any anime?” 

I rolled my eyes. “Of course I watch some anime. But am I full blown weeb... no.” 

He narrowed his eyes at me. “I can change that, don’t worry.”

“You still didn’t tell me where we are going.” My fingers felt crisp from the cold air. It wasn’t snowing tonight, but the ground was still white. 

“Aha, we are going to my favorite cafe called ‘Pink Heart Cafe’. It is decked in pink hearts.” 

“As expected from a Pink Heart Cafe.” I joked. In the near distance, I noticed a sign that had a baby pink heart that wrote ‘Pink Heart Cafe’ in cute lettering. 

I crinkled my nose from the cold air. “What, you don’t like pink?” 

“No, no, I love the color pink actually. It’s just kinda cold out here.” He nodded. 

“Maybe it would be warmed if we held hands... maybe.” 

For the first time, I felt comfortable with someone’s flirtatious comment.

I smirked and hooked my hand with his. I felt my heart beater faster. Much faster. And I loved it. 

I saw him smile widely and hide it with his hair. 

“I’m a lucky guy.” He whispered. 

We walked into the cafe. 

“Hi! Welcome to Pink Heart Cafe, for here or to go?” 

“For here, please.” The woman nodded. 

“Please take a seat. We will come take your order soon.”

We took our seats in the corner, next to the pink fairy lights. I was in love with the aesthetic. 

“Cute place. And fancy it seems, they come take our order at the table.” I sang a bit of Twice’s Fancy. 

“Oh gosh, you love Twice?? Me too!” I shrugged nonchalantly. 

“I mean, I like them, their songs are cute and catchy but I’m not a diehard fan.” 

He frowned. I can change that too. 

I sighed and rolled my eyes dramatically. “Wow, it seems like there are a lot of things you want to change about me. What do you even like about me?” I teased. 

He smiled harder and I noticed a blush on his face. 

“Uhhh, that’s a good question. I like... I like how you’re honest with your emotions. I like how you’re good at photography. I like that you want to become an RA because of the money and--” I gasped and pushed him on the arm.

“That’s not the only reason! Yes... the pay is good, but I like helping people.” 

Our laughter died down as he gazed at me intensely. 

“You like helping people? Tell me more about that.” 

I paused. No one had asked me that before. 

“Um, no one’s asked me that before. I guess I just like to see people happy. I like appealing to people’s emotions and most times, I’m pretty good at making people like me.” I said honestly. I saw his face light up at my words. “And I also want to be a teacher after I graduate, so being an RA would help improve my social skills and teach me how to interact with those younger than me and work through their problems. I don’t know, people say it’s hard and that it can be tough if kids come to you with suicidal thoughts and feelings of anxiety and depression, but I mean, I just want to do it and give back to the community somehow... I don’t know. ” I mumbled off, feeling like I said too much.

His gaze was so serious, I was scared I bored him to death.

He leaned closer to me and I freaked out. I held my breath, waiting for what was next until he spoke. 

“You’re so awesome.” He finally said. 

That... that was surprising.

“Um, thanks?”

“I’m serious! That’s so amazing why you want to be an RA. Honestly, I took up this job because it pays well and I’m good at talking to people, but sometimes I couldn’t care less about my residents. I like how you’re so kind to people.”

I laughed, “I’m not that nice.” 

“Yeah right, you were nice to me the first time we met. And I could’ve been a creepy dude and I almost made you break your camera.” 

“Well, I was nice to you because you are a cute boy.” He choked on his drink at my blunt words. I grew shy all of a sudden and laughed with him. 

“Jesus, give a boy a warning before you say such words.” He was pink in the face and I felt my heart warm. 

“It’s true, you are attractive. But it is also true that I’m not nice. My roommate is irritating the heck out of me and I have to tell myself every time I talk to her to say nice things and not hurt her feelings ‘cause she’s so damn sensitive.” 

He paused for a moment. I was nervous he would think I was a bad person. Which... technically is what I’m trying to convince him of. 

“Wow, you just got ten times nicer.” Now it was my turn to choke on my drink. 

“What? I just told you I have to force myself to be nice to my roommate even though I just want to snap at her all the time.” 

Jihoon leaned back in his chair with a smug look on his face. “Exactly! Most people would’ve just called her a bitch and moved on! Moved out or from what I’ve seen, some girls do mean shit like throwing another girl’s clothes out of her closet or flirting with her boyfriend. You... you just be nice when someone is mean to you.”

“She’s not mean, just rubbing me the wrong way.” Jihoon rolled his eyes.

“See? You are still defending her even though I’m sure she’s putting you through more than other people would take.” 

I shrugged. “I don’t know, most people don’t take me seriously when I talk about it.” 

“Try me.” 

I hesitated at first, but when I saw his open and honest look, I spilled.

“Well, I’m quite an introverted person so I need my alone time. And when I told her, this was actually the night that I met you, um, I told her that I wanted to be alone. And then she invited people over to the room and yes, they left soon, but when I’m in my isolation mood, I just... I just don’t even want to look at people.” 

He stared at me with a curious look so I rambled on. “I know, it’s dumb-”

He placed a gentle hand on top of mine.

“No, that’s not dumb at all. She should’ve respected your words. I would be so mad. Give me more!” He pounded his fist on the table for dramatic effect. 

I felt my heart lighten when he wanted to hear more of my words. I was so used to people ignoring me and brushing over my concerns.

“Uh, well, just... well not just Naeun, my roommate, but some of my friends in the same dorm as me. They are just really judgmental and the negativity just pains me. I don’t like judging others before getting to know them, so hearing them talk bad about random people they don’t know just pains me. And I’m no saint, yes I judge people, but I make sure I talk to them first and get to know them before I make judgments.”

Jihoon smiled. “You keep getting better the more I get to know you. I do the same thing, my friends think I’m crazy when I say ‘hey that dude looks kinda mean and no one likes him, i’ll be friends with him’!” 

My eyes widened. “Oh my god, that’s how I met most of my friends!” 

We laughed as we bad mouthed our friends and the people who have hurt us. 

“Why do you stick with such crappy friends? No offense, you deserve so much better.” 

I shrugged. “I mean, everyone says that to me and truly, I don’t even know. I just feel so connected to them now and they have their good moments-”

“Good moments aren’t enough if they consistently hurt you.”

“I know, I know! I just... maybe I’m not that good of a person then if I stay with them. Like people say, you are who your friends are.” 

“That’s bull, you’re a good person, I know that. And your friends don’t even care to listen to you rant, I can tell I’m the first person you told all this stuff too because you have flames in your eyes. You deserve friends you can trust and are able to rant to. I promise.” 

I bit my lip, thinking of what to say. 

“Thank you, I guess I just think I am helping them by staying with them. I don’t want to hurt their feelings.” 

“Just know that you have me now, and if you ever need to rant or vent or whatever, I’m here for you. You have me now.” 

I felt a wave of emotion wash over me. No one’s ever said that to me before and meant it. I know he meant it, it was written all over his face. 

I nodded slowly, accepting the moment we were having. 

We sat in a moment of silence until the waiter came for the check.

I dug through my pockets to get out the ten dollar bill I stuffed in there. 

“Hah funny,” Jihoon chided when he whipped out his card before I could do anything. I gasped. 

“Ah, Jihoon, I brought money!” 

He tsked and stood when the waiter gave him his card back. “Yeah right, I’d never let a girl pay on the first date, that’s like... illegal.” I rolled my eyes, until I realized what he had just admit.

“Date?” I questioned carefully. 

He looked away from my gaze, like he didn’t mean to say the word. 

“Yes... date. Do you have a problem with that?” 

I grinned.

“Nope.”

[jinniesmeow]

good evening. this is a very long rant. if you’ve been tagged in this, it means I have a message for you :’) it’s at the bottom of the post, and that’s the most important part, so dear mutuals, feel free to just go read that part and don’t feel forced to read all that bullcrap I've written. thank you if you do, thank you if you don’t. 

if we’re not mutuals and you’re reading this, well I guess thank you because this is hella long and cliché af. I'm sorry to everyone for this. though it kinda has nothing to do with what I'm saying, I was feeling particularly gay tonight and I'm in my feelings right now so yeah. if you’re willing to read, just click, you know how that works. 

first of all, hello. thank you if you’re reading this, whether we’re mutuals or not, this isn’t a private post so if you’re reading this, hello to you, I hope you’re having a wonderful night or day and I guess sorry for what you’re about to read if it’s considered TMI. I don’t know everyone on here so I'll start with the basics. I’m zia, aka users jinniesmeow, yunholy, hwangitzy and very recently yuzukhei. I'm (almost) 19, and in case you didn’t know, I'm French. and Italian, fortunately or not, idk. 100% European and white anyway, and my ancestors were all 100% racist and homophobic (I mean Poland and Italy? come on.). My sister, who’s turning 23 this year (she’s not on Tumblr), and myself are the first generation in my family to be queer on whichever side of it it is you’re looking at. 

Indeed, (if you didn’t know somehow, now you do) both her and I are pansexual. thankfully, our mom is far from being homophobic and racist and she’s a very open minded person, like really. neither of us have ever had a coming out, and none of us plan on doing it. I totally understand the necessity for some people to come out to their relatives and all that, but here’s why I personally refuse to do it: I don’t get why I have to tell people I'm not straight. I think it only fuels the fact that being straight is seen as the norm, because do straight people ever announce they are straight? exactly. being queer (gay, lesbian, pan, ace, whatever) is not abnormal, it’s not unnatural, so I refuse to have to scream it to everyone, and I don’t mean by that that I'm trying to hide my queerness, because I'm very open and honest about it, and I always have been. I hope one day, we won’t need to come out anymore and that people will stop assuming our sexuality. until then, I'll let people get flustered whenever I imply that I'm not straight without having ever stated it clearly before because fuck that shit. 

anygays. so, like I said, I've always been very open and honest about my romantic and sexual orientation. I know lots of bi/pan people “realise” they are queer when they’re a bit older, during their teenage years or early adulthood, but (un)fortunately I am not one of those. I have literally always known I liked girls too (in the first place, I mean). actually, I’ve always thought attraction and romance were about the person, like, I mean it was an evidence to me ever since I was a child, and how can I explain that I got slapped in the face when I discovered that it was not a universal thing, that it was not “the truth”. so there I was, in the middle of elementary school, openly saying I liked girls in front of everyone because I thought it was normal. I mean, it is, but you get what I mean. 

on top of that, the term “pansexual” has been occulted and invalidated for years, and most people didn’t even know of it until like maybe 3 years ago. remember, I'm 19, and there I was in middle school at 13 years old telling people I was pansexual when they’d barely even heard of bisexuality (while everyone else was like ‘I'm straight!! ew the gays’ btw). honestly, I cannot count how many times I've been called a pedophile, a necrophile and zoophile. by my very own friends, yes. 

same with high school, but I'm not going to repeat myself. just for the precision: no, I have never been physically or mentally bullied for that, however, I was mocked a lot because of how tall I am (I was 1m73/5′7 at 14) and because I can be quite androgynous since I don’t have big boobs. I have large hips though, so those fucking males didn’t miss the chance to pick on me for that too. obviously though if I've never been full on bullied it’s because: 1. I've always had friends and I've never been a ‘loner nerd’, 2. I was tall and intimidating, 3. I was respected for my intelligence and grades and wasn’t being full of myself about being a top student, and 4. because I was neither fat nor a person of colour, obviously, and those are privileges I'm very aware of. I have still been called a ‘woman with a dick’ and other transphobic shit and was often treated as if I were a boy, though. 

I still identify as a girl. I have been so, so complexed about so many things about my physical appearance for so long, I can’t count how many hours I have spent looking at my naked reflection in the mirror, feeling disgusted, wishing I had bigger boobs and that I would “look more like a girl” and so on. how much I have hated my body is something I can’t even measure. as of today, I've realised there is no such thing as “looking like a girl” and I've made a lot of progress on liking my overall appearance and accepting my body, sometimes I even think I'm hot™ and definitely think men don’t deserve me but for some fucking reason I can’t choose my sexuality (crazy right) and I still am attracted both romantically and sexually to them :/ 

anyways. now you know how long I've known that I'm a pansexual and throughout all these years, every time someone talked about the community or when pride came, no one mentioned us pansexuals, and I've seen us being invalidated so many times I really started doubting myself. I was like, “it’s like being bisexual, I'm just being butthurt and pushing it too far” but at the same time I never stopped calling myself pansexual. to some people, it’s just a preference in the choice of words to say you’re bi or pan, but to me there is a difference, even if it’s the smallest ever, and yes. being bi and being pan are “basically the same thing” and both orientations are very close but that very difference means everything to me. I am attracted to people, romantically and sexually, regardless of their gender. that is exactly it. and it’s very important to me.

I'm sorry if this is a mess, it’s hard to say things in the right order when I have so much to say, but I'm going to go back to what I was saying in the beginning about my family. I talked about my mom. my parents have been separated since I was 6 and haven’t spoken to each other in like 12 years btw. so, as for my dad, I know he wouldn’t care. he’s not homophobic, not racist. he does say homophobic and racist things sometimes, without realising it, like a lot of people do, and that doesn’t make him a homophobe. I know he doesn’t care if I'm gay, and I feel good just knowing that. however, remember, my family is italian. everyone around us is 100% straight (except for my cousins, I'm pretty sure one of them is bi-curious and the other is ace, but they aren’t open about this at all and have probably never questioned their sexuality lmao) and then there are my sister and I in the middle of it, and we’re like “yup, we’re the gay cousins”. the italian side of my family is huge. like really, my father has a total of 24 cousins (and I don’t mean the little ones and all that, I mean first degree cousins), so imagine how many of us there are in total when you’re counting everyone’s kids, spouses, grandkids and great-grandkids (you read that well, some of his cousins are old, some are even deceased). and they’re italian. and 100% into their religious set of mind that has them believe their god forbids being gay and that we’ll burn in hell. whatever, would’ve been going there anyway, gay or not so it’s not like I care, all the more reasons to be a fag. 

and yes I have proof they are racist and homophobic, I've heard the things they’ve said. so, I, whomst has had depression for basically all her life and also has every existing form of anxiety there is, don’t exactly feel comfortable around these people. and on top of being gay, I listen to “Ching Chong music”!!! how do I have to put into words that I know exactly what they think of me? I even have blue hair now so like, blending in even less than before. so yeah. 

to add on to that feeling of worthlessness, when I entered high school, I was still a top student without doing any type of work whatsoever, but then depression got the best of me (like for real this time how am I even still alive tbh) and I fell so hard I could barely stand going to school anymore. my last two years of high school (it lasts 3 years in France) have been disastrous. I barely attended and could barely manage keeping my grades above average, because I had zeros on 99% of my homework since I never did it. still had good enough grades on tests though, and it saved my ass. 

honestly, I don’t even want to talk about these years and how I was feeling, because it’s still too fresh for me and I'm stil trying (yes, trying) to heal from it. I can say without a doubt that they were some of the worst years of my life though. however final exams came and my ass managed to get a really good grade without revising anything, this way I could send a big, huge, fuck off to my teachers who had been shitting in my face for years and making me feel like the hugest shit on earth. I hope they choke on their jealousy. then I went to uni for about three months, where I majored in English, but eventually decided to stop because I couldn’t go a day without having a panic attack on the train, because I still couldn’t get my ass to do any work, because I was bored out of my mind and just when I had started feeling better after leaving high school I was sinking further down. I spent months staying home without seeing anyone but my mom and doing nothing but watching Netflix (the French catalogue isn’t as interesting as the American one btw). then, I finally found the guts to go see a therapist. not gonna say it was a mistake, but I'm glad I stopped because this bitch was just here to take my money. I took antidepressants for a few months, and I have stopped really recently, actually. in all honesty, I have gotten much better, thanks to my own doing, I've worked so hard on getting better and I'm proud of how far I've come. 

today, I can finally say for the first time ever in my life that I am proud of who I am. 

the whole point of saying all of this shit you have (maybe) read is not because I want people to give attention to me or anything like, I don’t want pity or anything and truly don’t think there are any reasons for people to feel any pity towards me. I'm saying this because I want to thank the people around me for just existing, for supporting me, for making me feel validated. because you might not realise it, but (a lot of) you are often talking about your problems, and it makes me realise that I'm not the only one feeling this kind of way. it makes me realise there are people who might understand me, even just a little. and when I see you talking about your sexual/romantic orientation (or lack of so) it also makes me feel accepted. I see you guys reblog such validating things, and then some of you even have pride flags in your layouts, and you have no idea how my heart feels about it. if you weren’t aware, I'm a twitter person. I've spent so much time on there, I have met lots of people, lots of which are part of the community and openly supporting it, and yet I have never felt more validated than since I've been on here. 

I've also met the people I consider “the most” as my internet best friends on here, like my best best internet friends, if that makes sense lmao, and not actually on twitter (although I might be pushing it because I have actually gone from IVL to IRL with most of them so like... whatever.) point is: I have met amazing friends I'm so thankful for on here. and all the people I see in my dash, to all of you, thanks for everything too even if we don’t really talk and if we haven’t had actual discussions before. now if you want to, you can always come to me to talk about whatever the fuck you want. 

so, here, I want to thank all of you, because today I'm finally starting to think maybe, just maybe, that I want to keep on living and that good things might happen to me. I have no plans for the future, since I never imagined myself getting this far in life, but I'm still willing to give it a try. 

please, if after you’re reading this, you’re thinking about telling me cliché things about staying strong and all that, I'm going to ask you not to do it. it just feels like pity to me. or choose your words wisely, I'm begging you, because I can’t stand thinking anyone would pity me. please don’t feel like that, that’s not the point of this.

I'm doing this as a thank you, and as a message to everyone out there who’s read this. I hope my words mean something to you. maybe help you? it’s ok to be confused about who you are. it’s ok not to like yourself, it takes so much work to get better and all that, but just know that you can do it, it is possible to do it. it takes time, it will hurt, but it’s an option. it’s not impossible. 

now. I have some people I want to send a quick message to. I guess some of you will be surprised, but just read what I have to say please, and know that from the bottom of my heart, I mean it.

@hwangwhatjin Emily. I don’t even know where to start, and soon I won’t even be able to see what I'm typing anymore because the tears I've been fighting while writing all this crap have started flowing all of a sudden the second I typed your name. you’re the first friend I made on here. we started off nothing, and I was a no one, and yet you still talked to me and all that. you’re honestly one of the most tolerant and kind people I have ever met in my life. you’re the exact opposite of prejudiced, you’re so open minded, so not giving a shit about other people’s quirks (I mean it in the right way) that don’t concern you directly, like people are who they are and you don’t give a damn about it, it’s amazing. I know this doesn’t sound like a compliment, but I can’t find the right way to put this. you’ve also always been there to listen to me whenever I wanted you to, and you have never judged me once. you have no idea how thankful I am for having you in my life. I wouldn’t want to have anyone else hold the title of bro. I love you so, so much, and I'm sorry we haven’t been talking lately. I hope I can help you just like you’ve helped me and support you as much as you need me to in the future, and I want you to know I'll always be there for you, I'll never let you down. you have no idea how much I can’t wait to meet you so I can wrap you in a blanket and give you hot chocolate while I light up a gingerbread scented candle (yes, I remember) and put on some blink-182 and stroke your hair because it’s what you deserve. you’re one of my best friends, like ever, and it’s such a pain we’re so far from each other, fuck this damn channel. one day I'll just swim to you to hear your wonderful accent you say you hate so much. anything to see you. I'm sorry I'm so old, I wish it were less of a problem, but as you grow up this gap will be less and less of an obstacle, so let’s just be patient, yeah? I love you, bro. roach bros to the end of the line.

@pikachulein Laura. ok. where do I start and how do I stop my eyes from sweating so much. you know, I'm just gonna say it. in my opinion, soulmates aren’t the people we’re especially meant to be with in a romantic way, and we might even have several of them. I just think they’re people who just bring you so much, and people who are like another version of you, but different. kind of like I described in my Felix au, actually. when I call you my soulmate, I really mean it, because I'd never thought I'd meet someone who understands me so well because they relate so much, someone who basically shares the same mind because hell, when have we ever had different thoughts on something like... it will never cease to amaze me. it’s only been a few months since we’ve known each other, but I actually think you’re one of my closest friends. hell, on the day we meet, because I'm not taking no for an answer, I don’t even know how I'll be holding up like, I won’t know how to act. so in advance, I'm sorry if I'm so weird at first. you’ve listened to the story of my whole life and you’ve shared your experience back, and you have no idea how thankful I am for that. maybe you haven’t realised, but you’ve been of a huge help to me. thank you for being so understanding, for not judging me, for being so open about everything with me, thank god I have someone with whom I can talk about literally any subject without it feeling uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. I have so many things to say I can’t even find the words, honestly. I’m just so thankful that you exist and that I have you in my life, and that you actually like me as a person too. thanks so much. you’re my best bitch, together we’re the baddest bitches of the pan squad and I can’t wait to travel across Europe with you for real. the world ain’t ready for us. 

@hanniesunshine Isabel. you’re just the biggest ray of sunshine ever. everything about you is so pure I'm even scared to be one of the people you talk to because I feel like you don’t deserve to talk to me (I mean like you deserve much better than me) and that I'm way too filthy for you. you’re always so good and kind to me, so, so supportive, and I can’t even thank you enough for that. honestly, every time I see you somewhere, kakaotalk, WhatsApp, Tumblr, I just can’t help but smile because you’re the purest and brightest being the earth has ever seen and I can’t believe you would actually want to talk to someone like me. I'm so sorry for everything. I'm so sorry for being such a cold bitch (and for using this word) sometimes, and for almost never finding the right words. thanks for always being so eager about reading my content. I'll keep supporting you, and I'll do better in everything!! I love you, so, so much. I'll always be there for you if you need me or want me. 

@sleepyracha Marie. I'm so, so sorry I'm so inconsistent and that I don’t talk to you as much as I used to, I hope we’re still okay. I just want to thank you for being the open minded person you’ve shown me you are and for supporting me all the time, and for very interesting conversations about literally anything. I promise I'm learning Spanish and that soon we’ll be able to talk together in another language than English. I hope you’re doing well and that you know I'm always there for you, and if Tumblr isn’t the best place for you, tell me where you want me to be for you. congrats on passing this year, you’re someone amazing and you’re so chill, it feels so good to see someone like that. thank you for even talking to me in the first place, thank you so much and I love you. 

@lesbianbias Nina. you’re such a soft and pure person, I'm so glad you were my skz anon and that I got to meet a wonderful person like you. you’re always showering me with love, and I always feel like I don’t deserve it. thanks so much for all the support, please, please never change. I love you and you’re amazing. thank you for being so chill as well. I'll make sure I'll return that love to you. 

@xiaocity siya. thank you so much for listening to me, you know what I'm referring to. I know you’re one of those who really deeply understands me and I'm thankful we got to talk, even just a bit. I'm always there if you need me, thank you for supporting me and my works, and be more confident in your writing, it’s good!! I think we actually have a lot in common too, so if you ever feel like talking, feel free to drop by in my dms.

@littlefallenrebel Sophie. we haven’t talked that much, but I feel like we should talk more. we have a lot more in common than we think, I'm sure of it. thank you for being you, thank you for the messages you’ve been spreading with your posts and reblogs. you’re an amazing person and I'm happy you’re my mutual because you’re a truly good person. 

@visualgiggles sam. thank you for your reblogs, whatever they’re about they never fail to cheer me up, whether they’re about tolerance or just memes, even the latter help me regain faith in humanity. we haven’t talked that much but I would gladly talk some more with you if you ever wanted to. you’re a wonderful person and I'm thankful you’re my mutual. 

@dreamypansexual I don’t think we’ve ever talked, I'm not even sure I know your name so I don’t want to say something wrong. but that doesn’t matter, because you’re still one of the people who make me feel the most validated here. hell, you literally have a pan flag as your layout (your user... I mean yeah). your posts are always making me feel so much better because it proves me that there are still such tolerant and open people out there, so thank you. 

@cloudyyboii honestly, I think it’s kind of the same as with your friend right above between me and you. it doesn’t matter though, thanks for the validation and the tolerance you’re spreading around. love you. 

@jxsng Kylie. I don’t think we’ve ever had a private conversation, but whatever. you’ve shown me lots of supports in every other way and you’re such a sweet and open person, I'm thankful you’re my mutual. I feel small next to people like you because I feel like you hold the whole world in your hands, you’re one of those meant to go places and it shows. I'll always support you too. thank you for everything and I love you.

@ggukksrose shims. you’re definitely one of the people who make me feel validated the most, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I always see you sticking up for others and telling the haters to go fuck off, and you even did that with me. you’re an amazing person, and I admire you for the confidence you’ve managed to achieve and I wish you the best in the future, I hope you’ll only get better and better with your fights and if anyone ever messes with you I'll be throwing hands. just say the word. I love you. 

@cypher-yngi Emerson, am I wrong? we’ve never talked though we’ve been mutuals for so long. from what I've seen, we have a lot in common and I'd be more than ok to have even a simple conversation with you, even if you said Orangina was good. you’re also one of those who have helped me feel valid and realise I'm not alone in this world, so if you’re ever feeling alone, and if you want to, let’s be alone together, maybe? gotta love FOB. also, you have amazing music taste. and you're a fellow yoongi stan, and that itself says a lot about the kind of person you are. thanks for existing and I love you.

@wonwonbebe ah... have you ever told me what your name was? I have terrible memory. doesn’t really matter. I love you, I'm so thankful that you were my anon and can’t believe you actually went through all that just to talk to me. you have no idea how thankful I am. you’re a wonderful person, and I'm so, so happy to see that my mutuals are all so amazing and tolerant. thanks for all the positivity. 

@psycho-robin-chan robin, right? we’ve talked a bit before. if you read what’s above, you’ll probably find some parts a bit familiar, haha. I actually loved this conversation with you, if that makes sense? it’s always interesting and it feels good to let it out. I also like seeing I'm not alone, and I like to think that when I speak about such things with people I might also be helping them feel better. so thanks, you also make me feel valid with your posts and reblogs, and you’re such a tolerant and open and chill person at such a young age. never change anything! thanks for being here and supporting me. 

@mirohell sage! we haven’t been mutuals for long, and I'm not expecting you to read everything I've written, it’s ok if you don’t, really. I just wanted to thank you real quick because you’re already showing me lots of support and I feel like we’ll be getting along well. if you want to read this, I'm sorry for putting so much on your shoulders so quick lmao, you’ll basically be knowing so much about me without having asked for anything. feel free not to read it, I'm repeating myself again but really, the actual important part of this post is this one where I thank you all individually. so thank you!! I'll do my best in supporting you in the future as well, and not only by showing your edits some love haha

@theminho min! we haven’t been mutuals for long either, but thank you for caring about me. thanks for even just following me. thanks for this message you’ve sent, it means a lot really. you don’t have to read all that I've written above either,, don’t feel pressured, I just wanted to thank you personally too for just being here and for the support. feel free to come talk to me whenever you want (if you ever want) and I'll be supporting you always!! 

@justlovingkpop my sweetheart, you’re just too cute and so supportive and loving. thank you so, so much for everything and for coming to talk to me!! I'll go reread some of your work soon to because I've missed it. thanks for existing, and know that I'm always there for you. love you lots. 

@strawb-milk-tea my babyyyy I'm going to repeat it but thank you and I love you and you’re so cute and you’re NOT a potato ok, you’re so, so pretty like I knew I was gay but phew... I feel valid too when I see you. long live the gays. 

@five-pence hey there! it’s been a while. hope you’re doing well. thank you for supporting me, thank you for making me feel valid as well, and I love you very much. I'm here whenever. 

@jooheonenthusiast yo. we’ve basically only talked bc of that one post I made, and it’s been enough to show me that you’re an amazing person and a bad bitch. thanks for your support and fuck the homophobes. I love you. 

@marriael adellum. you’re a really kind person. you’re so pure. and you make me me feel very much valid, love your profile pics from the last days by the way. thanks for existing and I'm glad you’ve joined us on the network, it’s a pleasure to have someone like you around. hope I'm not too much of a pain in the ass. 

@channiiebby gryphon. we’ve never talked privately, but you’re a sweetheart. thanks for being you. you’re valid and you know it, and that makes me feel valid too, so thanks for showing me it’s okay to be who you are. I love you.

that’s it. I'm out of words. I've been at this for like 2 hours now. if I think of anyone else, I'll just reblog and add them. but right now I feel totally empty because of all the emotion hive poured into all this and I need to recharge, so good night and I love you all. thank you for your time and attention. 

happy pride month everyone,

your friendly neighbourhood pansexual, zia. 

[janiedean]

book meme

tagged by @robb-greyjoy and @cafeleningrad thank you both! <3

1. Which book has been on your shelves the longest? Uhm. Uhm. That’s... a hard... question... but I think the collection of Irish fairytales I really was into when I was like seven? I probably have older stuff than that but not on my shelves (it’d be stored somewhere) and not that I re-read at this point.

2. What is your current read, your last read and the book you’ll read next? The current read is Stuart Kaminsky’s The Howard Hughes Affair in the Toby Peters series because I need light reading and twenty-four books of down on his luck PI in Hollywood in the forties always dealing with old hollywood cinema stars is exactly what I need for light reading.

Last read: it was the previous in those series, You Bet Your Life, or if you don’t count that it was some medieval history book.

Next read: I’d like for it to be Stephen and Owen King’s Sleeping Beauties but it’s most likely gonna be either roman history or medieval history, again. Or possibly the fifth in that series but it’s really quick reading so. xD

3. Which book does everyone like and you hated? I’m gonna almost quote Damien who said P&P (which I...uh... don’t like lol) and say Emma which is still the Most Insufferable Thing I Ever Read In My Entire Life. P&P is less insufferable but I don’t get the fascination and mist likely never will.

4. Which book do you keep telling yourself you’ll read, but you probably won’t? Idk I eventually get to everything I mean to but I should have read War and Peace like years ago. ONE DAY. XDD

5. Which book are you saving for “retirement?” None, I save anything longer than 500 pages for when I’m on vacation but who even knows when I’ll get to retirement, so...

6. Last page: read it first or wait till the end? I ALWAYS WAIT UNTIL THE END I NEVER CHECK THE LAST PAGE are we srs it’s the last one for a reason

7. Acknowledgements: waste of ink and paper or interesting aside? Always fundamental. I always read acknowledgments. Though I don’t do the mistakes of reading afterwords before the book because I spoiled myself the ending of The Murder of Roger Ackroyd because I had to read the afterword first and I was an idiot xD

8. Which book character would you switch places with? ... honest? Rob from High Fidelty, not just because we’re sadly almost the same person but because I wanna own a fucking record shop and that’d be about the only way I could do it in this lifetime I fear...

9. Do you have a book that reminds you of something specific in your life (a person, a place, a time)? Hmmm, lots I guess, but Different Seasons was the summer when I turned fifteen and it definitely changed my life for the better and I always remember it fondly, same for The Three Musketeers and the 2006 summer which was.. an interesting time I guess xD, latin/greek epics will forever be tied with my father for better or worse and french authors with my mom aaaand beat generation stuff definitely reminds me of my best friend from high school and I could probably say that while I never read hp it also reminds me of people I was better off without so that’s probably another reason why I hate it but never mind that xDDDDD

10. Name a book you acquired in some interesting way. Hmm idk I’m totally blanking here XD I don’t think I have any *interesting* story about this sorry guys

11. Have you ever given away a book for a special reason to a special person? lmao no. The three times I lent book to someone they never came back and I’m really not the kind of person who shares their *special* copies so it’d have to be a really special person to make me give away a book I already own for special reasons xD and I haven’t met that person yet

12. Which book has been with you to the most places? I have a feeling it’d be the second dark tower book or the third for how badly I ruined them

13. Any “required reading” you hated in high school that wasn’t so bad ten years later? If I actually found the inner strength to get over my issues with some teacher and re-read I promessi sposi without bias I probably wouldn’t find it as terrible as I did back in the day but it’ll take me another ten years for that I fear, for the rest I’m fairly good with everything I had to read as a requirement.

14. What is the strangest item you’ve ever found in a book? Someone’s phone number I fear

15. Used or brand new? Don’t care either way but if I have to buy, used because they’re cheaper tbh xDDDD

16. Stephen King: Literary genius or opiate of the masses? Guys. Guys. While I’m the first person who wouldn’t say King is the new Proust, and while there’s a lot of things I dislike about the way he does things (first of all how much he loves his PEOPLE FORGETTING EVERYTHING trope)....

a) when I read Different Seasons I was in a moment where I had fallen out of love with reading stuff for reasons and it brought it back full spades; b) he was the first author I read in english and 90% the person that influenced my writing style more for those reasons; c) he’s a genius at crafting characters/character work/character development way more than a lot of people critics enjoy more than him and since I’m a character driven whore put two and two together; d) he came up with my Favorite Fictional Character Ever (whose surname is half of my tumblr nickname/internet nickname anywhere so...) and with my Favorite Ship Ever and my Favorite Series Ever and a lot of my Favorite Things Ever; e) he’s exceedingly good at his genre and while his endings are shit 70% of the time when he nails it he nails it;

tldr: he might not be the Greatest Writer Ever but he’s my Subjectively Favorite Writer Ever for bad and for good and no one disrespects king in front of me okay? k. I owe his damned books enough to repay how much they made me suffer xD 

17. Have you ever seen a movie you liked better than the book? Blade Runner is vastly better than the book and Maurice is pretty much as good as it but there were changes that imo were improvements over things that were not in the plot so I guess it counts.

18. Conversely, which book should NEVER have been introduced to celluloid? 

...........

THE

DARK

TOWER

I rest my case no one wants me to start ranting again about how much that piece of shit movie should have never existed and idris elba deserved a lot better than ending up involved in it.

19. Have you ever read a book that’s made you hungry, cookbooks being excluded from this question? no but I wrote a bakery au that made people feel hungry, does that count?

20. Who is the person whose book advice you’ll always take? my parents though I’ll take it with a pinch of salt because there’s people they like that I can’t stand (*cough* borges *cough* SORRY I KNOW) and viceversa but let’s say that if my dad said he didn’t dislike it then it’s probably not a bad book in 90% of the cases same for my mom (though she didn’t hate the solitude of prime numbers as much as I did which is why as stated I take things with a pinch of salt xD), then @robb-greyjoy because we basically like the same things so I trust his judgment, my high school bf who’s not on tumblr (the beat generation person) who also had my same tastes so I’d have definitely trusted her, and there’s a few tumblr users I follow for books talking whose judgment I trust 99% of the time xD

also half of the people I wanted to tag got tagged by either of you so hmmm @lordhellebore @slushiebear @blueagia @incblackbird @julesdrenages @julesfelden @ms-mormont and @greyjoysea? if you all want to of course otherwise ignore me xD

[pain-somnia]

Writer Asks

Writer Asks

tagged by @wolf08 :) thank you so much for the tag and sorry for being so late, i literally waited until i came home from work. Warning: this is LONG.

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

my tumblr url is based on the chronically ill made up term painsomnia. i have always had sleep issues but they got worse when i became ill due to being woken up constantly with pain. my username on FF is ChronicallyChill which is based on, yet again, me being chronically ill.

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/favourites, follows/subscriptions, visitor hits, kudos)

The Planning Of A Matriarch wins, hands down. I was so insecure and nervous about sharing anything I wrote but it was so well received! But it’s comedy and so much fluff and who doesn’t appreciate a little fluff? I have lost a lot of love for it because it was stolen and the whole event made me feel like shit. I think I owe a lot of it’s popularity to @mycherryqueen because she rec’d it on her blog. I plan on updating by the anniversary of this fic. But I may put it on hiatus indefinitely after that.

3. What is your FFnNet/AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

I actually don’t have one! I keep thinking I’m going to sit down and draw one or wait until I have the money to commission one of my favorite artists for something. I don’t create anymore but maybe one day I’ll dip back into it so I can finally have a profile icon.

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

OMG YES. I get sooo excited when I see familiar guest names or usernames. I get so gooey inside and melt when Spanish speakers leave reviews (I can read Spanish guys, feel free to review in Spanish if that makes you more comfortable!) because they wanna share their love even if they can’t write in English well. I have an absolute fave and I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. Monika aka @mcornilliac leaves the BEST reviews and she reviews every chapter.

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

Oh tons. Tons, Tons, Tons! Here’s a few:

The Colors of Midnight by SouthSideStory is possibly my favorite thing they’ve written. I love so many of their SS fics but that’s the one I go back to the most. (also Providence, I love me a soulmate au)

Carrying On by Kiwako

Daimyo’s Daughter by Sakura’s Unicorn (but literally everything of theirs is re-read all of the time)

Spar by D.C. Filbert (warning: major smut)

Life After Detainment by merinxD

You Could See It Change by lavendersakurasasuke (it’s a Gothic Victoria AU but with ninjas!)

Chained by Kirikizu

xxlovendreamsxx has these LOTR AUs....fucking amazing. unfortunately I seem to have lost the link to them

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

lol...i’m just gonna say A LOT. I lost some of them when I didn’t have a FF account and if I didn’t I would have way more but trust me... A LOT.

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

NON-MASS IS WHERE IT’S AT~ give me more SS non-mass and I will be the happiest person in the world.

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

if I’m looking at it right....only 373 (me as an author not the individual works). and I love every single one of them.

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are 😨 of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

Sex scenes. I write it but I always feel nervous about them.

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

I wish I was more comfortable writing action. Also I do so much dialogue...I feel like it’s too much. I wish I was better at replying to comments (I try! like if someone writes me a hefty comment I’m likely to respond if I’m able to). Updating. If I could I would write and update every day.

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

I write for the most popular ship in the Naruto fandom. But I also write ShiItaIzu and as a friend of mine has said before I’m not on an island by myself, I am the island. Google ShiItaIzu and posts to my content is what pops up. my readers seem to like them though so that’s great.

12. How many stories have you posted on FFNet/AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

5. Soon to be 8 if I ever get to publishing the other three. (not including prompt drafts)

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

*maniacal laughter ensues* i have so many....fanfic and original work....some of them are prompts...I’m a mess

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

mostly in my head but some things are written down. Most of those are rough drafts already.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

No. I’ve made fanfics based off headcanons I practically threw at friends and they told me how they felt about them. But never. I don’t think I ever will, at least not for SS.

16. How did you discover FFNet/AO3?

uh...i have no fucking clue. August of 2016 was when I started loving Naruto again and jumped into consuming all of the SS content I could find. I just googled and read like...everything.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on FFNet/AO3?

LOL....fuck no. I actually think I’m pretty insignificant in the Naruto fandom. But that’s okay.

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

no. maybe I should.... how about Loves? I’ll try it out in my next author’s note.

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

I don’t really have an author that inspired me. But @bkceallaigh is the reason anyone reads my stuff. she encouraged me to write and then finally publish a fanfic. And here we are.

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Write. Write what you feel. Write what you love. Write what makes you happy. Don’t worry about pleasing people, someone is always going to hate. Just write something you would want to read.

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

LMAO. no. the closest I actually get to planning is something like “this is my goal. let’s get to it somehow.” i think I've only planned one story and hopefully I’ll post that prompt soon (it’s the Shape of Water AU).

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

Duh! I ranted and bitched to my friends. Some of them were sooooo bad. Like when I say bad it’s like they never even read the story or want to fore their interpretation on people. and then some anti-SS found me and decided to trash SS. like thanks...why the fuck are you here? so I will complain but I don’t care to confront them. Just...don’t like then don’t read.

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

Smut and action. Mainly ‘cause I want people to see the action in their head when I write but it doesn’t come out right... smut is bad sometimes ‘cause I get a little mechanical and describe the process and forget feeling sometime.

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

Currently I’m mulling over Can I Be Yours? and Kingdom For Two and A Gift From The Universe. I’m really into A Gift From The Universe because it’s non-mass and I’m going to put a lot of focus on InoSai and ShiItaIzu, way more than I’ve done before.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

lol....I have my WIPs going on at the same time....I’m nowhere near finished.

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

nope. Just write when I can. And wish that I was writing when I wasn’t.

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

I want to say yes.

28. What is your favorite story(s) that you’ve written?

honestly....Kingdom For Two is my fic baby.

29. What is your least favorite story(s) that you’ve written?

The Planning Of A Matriarch actually. Like I could have done so much better. It’s still my baby but it’s the one that embarrasses me the most.

30. Where do you 👀 yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

hopefully with a finished original work lol

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

The easiest? I don’t know...I can’t really think about it right now...I guess for me, creating dialogue is the easiest thing....I’m really tired right now and may come back to edit this answer lol

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

Telling myself to love what I write despite not getting the response that I want. There are people who love what I write and I move them with my writing. And I should appreciate what I get.

33. Why do you write?

It’s...so wonderful to see a world that’s trapped in my head come to life in front of me.

I will tag: @kuriquinn @roraewrites @xxxsasusakuxxx @randomwhorcrux @bkceallaigh and anyone that wants to do this

[treasure-exo]

11 question tag

I wasn’t tagged by @oh-beyond and @e-xing(to my main @susie2110) for the 11 questions so here’s comes the trouble lol..

Rules: Answer 11 questions from the person who tagged you and make another 11 questions for the people you tag.

Oh-beyond’s questions

Scenario: You find yourself with your bias in an elevator that breaks down…

Ok lol I was once trapped in an elevator alone, not with someone and I was dumbfounded and didn’t even screamed for help and panicked but thank god some passerby saw the elevator wasn’t working properly and called for help.. so probably let’s see if I can survive or not...

1. He is a whiny baby… what do you do? How do you act around him?

I would first try to calm myself and then help him calm down if I calmed down in the first place which I probably would take time. (But as I’ll see Baekhyun’s fantastic smile after I would melt and forget every possible thing on this planet so I will probably help him and make it happen.)

2. Do you act around him like you know him or like you don’t?

I would try to pretend but I can’t control my feelings for so long so he would probably notice and than I would tell him I already know. So boring I know.

3. There is an obvious language barrier… do you try talk to him in his language (google translate, etc…) ? Or do you go for English and he can figure it out himself?

I somewhat know Korean yeah so I’ll try if he can understand my broken Korean otherwise I’ll use google translate because probably he would not get my English and accent lmao.

4. He starts crying… do you decide unstanning him? Or do you lend your shoulder to cry on?

I WOULD NOT UNSTAN HIM... ok lol but instead I’ll get to know what is wrong and try to solve the matter amd make him stop crying. So obviously lend my shoulder to cry on and listen to him rant.

5. He finally faints in your lap… do you take advantage? You stare? You touch his eyelashes to make sure they are real? His cheeks? Anything else?

Uh... I would not take any advantage. I would probably stare at him and adore him and his beauty because I know he’s beautiful lmao and probably ruffle or just touch his hair (I totally have a hair kink here) because they are so soft and touch his skin so pure. But other than this I would seriously try to make him wake up because fainting is scary.

6. He regains consciousness and he asks you if you’ve touched him… would you be honest?

Yes.. I would honestly tell him I touched his hair and skin to check if it’s not a dream and it’s really happening with some hesitation surely.

7. Do you try making him laugh? Or you act all uninterested to create a mysterious aura so he gets curious? What is your tactic?

I will probably like to create a mysterious aura because I love mysteries and creating or writing them is my hobby. So I’ll show some of my tricks to show I’m interested but by face remain neutral to confuse him(if it would work which I probably thinks not) and finally make an atmosphere where he’s frustrated and ask me anything anyway.

8. If you decide on telling you stan him. What would be your questions to him? Would you admit he’s your bias or make him jealous telling him you like a different member?

I’ll try make him jealous by telling him I stan some other person by appreciating the other and to the point where he’s completely jealous and frustrated but I’ll eventually laugh and tells him that I joked and he’s the person who I stan and appreciate more.

9. If you act like you don’t know him, would you still try to impress him?

Yes for sure. Definitely.

10. You are taken… if he asks you if you have a significant other… would you lie?

Hmmm...taken? By Byun Baekhyun? Yes I’ll tell him I’m taken by you and would not at all lie about the matter ;)

11. The lights of the elevator go off and he’s scared and gets too close and his hands are too handsy… would you stop him? Or…?

Well I’ll be the first one to hold his hand to make sure someone is still there with me. So lmao other than that I’ll stop him.

E-xing’s questions

1. If you could ask your bias for just one thing, what would you request?

Marry me!!!

2. It’s been a hard day for you. All you can think about is all the hardships you have going on. You’re going home in a rush, looking forward to chill for a while. There’s someone on the street hurrying somewhere, just like you are.Suddenly you bump your shoulder into a stranger. It turns out to be your bias. What will happen next? How do you react? Do you say something? 

I would die at that moment but after recovered my fangirling mode will never put on. But as we both are in a hurry I’ll not waste his time further than just ask for a photo or autograph.

3. Would you rather go to an EXO concert or spend 2 hours with your bias? Why?

Spend 2 hours with my bias beacuse l will get to know him in general and if possible he might remember me and considers me a faifthful(pervert) fan of his. lmao.

4. You have the opportunity to go to Seoul, SK. Would you try to fit in with the civilians or would you visit tourist attractions solely? 

I would love to see tourist attractions with getting to know their culture and people and if possible try to make friends there too.

5. While you’re there, you’re on your way to a restaurant. You’re dressed all nice, ready to feel alive for the night. Your friends texted you the address but you get lost. You stop a random person on the street asking for directions, but it’s your bias! Do you stutter? Do you flirt? Do you ask for a selca? Do you invite him along, as he helps you nicely and seems like a genuinely nice person? Do you pretend, do all this without revealing that he’s your bias?

I’m a libra and I can’t help but whatever i try to say always comes out in a way as if i’m flirting lol so yeah. Yep I’ll ask him for a selfie and also invite him if he’s free beacuse he’s Byun Baekhyun the irresistible. who would not I doubt...

6. You’re a journalist and your boss tells you that your next interview for the magazine is with EXO. Do you still take the task even though you stan the group or do you pass it for someone else who wouldn’t get biased while asking some questions? What do you do? Are you professional or do you let the fangirl inside take over?

I’ll still do that interview and while asking questions despite me being professional my inner fangirling will definitely comes out evetually and after the interview i might ask a question or two of mine. lol.

7. You’re talking to a guy online for weeks. Eventually you meet up in a public space but you see that he is your bias! Are you upset he lied about who he was or do you get over it and enjoy the rest of the date? 

Totally not. I would be infact happy and surprized that the guy turned out to be my bias. so the date would probably go on as expected and I’ll enjoy.

8. What song do you associate with your bias? Why?

His own song - Beautiful(Baekhyun) because have you ever seen the lyrics? I mean it perfectly defines how I fell for him. Yes, his smile melts me and my heart flutters while he sings. Just listen to that song and his angelic voice. I’m sure you’ll fall for him too.

9. If it were to chose between your bias and your bias wrecker for a relationship, who would you end up with? Or would you go for another member?

Obviously my bias.

10. If you could live with a member for a month while in Seoul, who would you chose? Like in a flat. You’d have to share a flat.

flat? Is it an apartment? I’m sorry I didn’t get it and had to search. I would pick Baekhyun. I’m sorry but I love him with every atom of my body.

11. What makes your bias so special to you? How did he touched your heart and why did you chose him?

Good question. I mean I dont remember but his smile, his voice, his playfulness, his eyes, his genuine gestures. I mean i hated someone being goofy but he makes it seem cute, his dorky nature. but yet sometimes him being serious I love seeing his that side too. I can’t explain but for the very first time I chose him because of his voice in what is love.

Now, my questions:

They will probably be silly and idk what i should ask.

1. What do your bias do(any particular act, aegyo etc.) that makes you extremely happy?

2. Decribe your bias in three words.

3. You are in a relationship with your bias and that he forgets the date when both of you first met? also, your birthday.. what will you do? let it go? scold him?

4. If a genie appears and grants you three wishes of what you want from/for/with your bias. what would it will be?

5. If you got to spend a day as any disney princess with your bias as the prince of the particular tale. who would you be and what will you do?

6. You and your bias are on a date and suddenly he makes some clumsy mistake (spilling his drink on your dress etc.) what will be your reaction? will you leave or stay?

7. You wakes up suddenly and realizes that the group your bias is in was just a group in your dream and no such group exists in real life. but when you were out a day and suddenly sees a person who looks exactly like your bias. Would you approach him? let him go? your reaction?

8. You have millions of dollars in your bank account and you want to buy your bias a single thing. what will it be?

9. A song you like the most which your bias sang?

10. Do you like when your bias apply their significant makeup? or like them without makeup? A photo of best makeup look your bias ever had.

11. The last photo of your bias you saved in your phone.

Idk who to tag... lol because I’m scared. I may have a considerable number of mutuals but I don’t talk with most of them so I’ll tag those to whom I for even once talked or I know them at least. I’ll tag @heehunhan17 @technicallymilkshakes @fluffyyeollie @byunparks

[itsallavengers]

Rant about Americans?

OMG I WAS ANXIOUSLY WATCHING MY INBOX GET MORE AND MORE FULL AND PUTTING OFF OPENING THEM ALL UNTIL I SAW THIS ONE AND DIED LAUGHING FOR LIKE. A GOOD MINUTE SO THANK U I GUESS.

I mean?? I guess you're talking about how I complain in the tags when my Britishness gets in the way of me writing? Bc I mean lol if I were to rant about /other/ aspects of America it would get Far Too Deep lmao but A N Y W A Y.

I don’t really know what else to complain about aside from the usual garbage I put in the tags?? About how I had to PURGE my British slang in order to achieve writing continuity??? About how Americanisms have POISONED my mind??? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A POSH BRIT TRY AND SAY Y’ALL’D’VE UNIRONICALLY????? BELIEVE ME. IT’S NOT GOOD. IT’S NOT GOOD AT ALL. FUCKING AMERICANS AND THEIR MEME CULTURE INDOCTRINATING ME INTO SAYING Y’ALL��D’VE IN CASUAL CONVERSATION. IT’S NOT EVEN A REAL WORD. PEOPLE JUST LOOK AT ME LIKE I DIRECTLY INHALED A KILOGRAM OF CRACK-COCAINE.

So yeah FUCK AMERICA for that.

Also?? I know I say this a lot and it’s something that could be solved pretty easily if I just took a good while to get my head around it but I don’t bc I’m lazy- but how the fuck do fucking blocks work? What the fuck?? Can’t u just have towns and villages like NORMAL people. How many hours must I have spent looking blankly at Google maps, trying to figure out the route Steve Rogers would take through the city whilst making This face?? TOO FUCKING MANY. TOO MUCH. LOST COUNT!! I HATE NEW YORK I HATE THE SUBWAY I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO WORK THE FUCKING UNDERGROUND LET ALONE THAT AMERICAN VERSION BULLSHIT I’M FROM A VILLAGE IN THE ARSE-END OF THE UK ALRIGHT I DON’T D O CITIES. THERE ARE. FAR TOO MANY PEOPLE AND NOT NEARLY ENOUGH SHEEP. DISTURBING. WHERE’S ALL THE GRASS. God.

Another thing- uh- everything is so fucking big

-WAIT SORRY UH INTERRUPT TO TELL YOU!! I LITERALLY JUST PROVED HOW AMERICAN TERMS HAVE POISONED ME LITERALLY LOOK UP IN THE SECOND PARAGRAPH I USED THE WORD GARBAGE!! NO! IT’S NOT GARBAGE IT’S RUBBISH! SHIT! NOT GARBAGE HOLY FUCK GUYS I’VE BECOME AN AMERICAN GHDNDLGHL GR O SS 

-anyway-

LIKE I WAS SAYING. It’s all So Large. Like in my tiny island you can get from one side of the country to the other in like. 3 hours or smthn. BUT AMERICA?? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS??/ 3 HOURS MIGHT JUST GET YOU TO THE NEXT GOD DAMN FUCKING BLOCK FOR ALL I KNOW. WHAT. CAN U CHILL. I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO TYPE INTO GOOGLE BEGGING FOR HELP ON HOW LONG IT WOULD TAKE TO CROSS NEW YORK. MAYBE U NEVER CROSS IT. MAYBE ITS HELL AND ONCE UR IN UR TRAPPED FOREVER.

Smh.

I’m not... like I will type the word mom now and people have to remind me that... that is not how we English Folke say it. I’m a fake brit. You’ve ruined me. Writing in the perspective of American characters has ruined me. I am a Nomad. Drifting. Lost Touch with my homeland. And I blame it entirely on America.

[cosysimmer]

Rosalie Thorne for @asimlishpixel​ Sorry she’s a few days later than I told you she would be! I lost all motivation to write her interview, honestly I’m rubbish at writing but I tried!

Avant Garde | Flirty | Social Butterfly | Hot Headed | Dramatic

CC: Skin | Hair (Cazy Amelia (Braided)) | Eyelashes | Nose Mask | Blush #9 | Lipstick

TOU: Don’t re-upload or claim as your own, don’t change her facial features (but feel free to change anything else), please credit me if you use her. I would love to see what she gets up to! I track the tag cosysimmer. 

Private Download (Unless she dies or something)

Her Interview is under the cut!

Hey. Tell me a bit about yourself, name, age, gender and stuff like that! Well my name is Rosalie, but don’t call me Rose, I don’t like it. Rosa is fine though. I’m 24, but I look younger right? People always tell me that I look younger, I guess it’s just good genes! I’m pretty smart too, I just graduated from art college and I came third in my year! I just “get” art. It’s the way I’m wired. Oh and I’m a girl, duh, can’t you tell just by looking at me? ((Like one person in her life has told her she looks younger, some sleazy guy in a bar trying to get in her pants, but boy does she cling onto that xD She often stretches the truth to make herself sound better. Oh, and she doesn’t really understand trans people as she has only heard about them through the internet and has never really had it explained to her or made an effort to look into it. But hopefully if she was to meet one she would be open-minded about it and listen to them. Hopefully.)

What are your hobbies? Well, painting, mostly! I fucking love it. And none of that “oh look what a pretty landscape” shit, my art is art. I would try to explain it to you but probably wouldn’t understand, you need to see it to really “get” it. I also like writing poetry, when I have something to write about. Literally if I fall in love with someone they’ll probably get like 13 poems a day so I hope Emerald is prepared. And hmm, well I couldn’t live without my friends, I spend like every day with them. I would probably die if I had to be alone for more than like 2 hours. ((I think you can tell when she is exaggerating here haha. But she’s not lying when she says her art is good, she is genuinely very talented, even if a bit arrogant))

Do you have any special skills, achievements or something awesome to show me? I already told you about my art, didn’t I?? And I told you about how I just graduated from college. Oh! There was also the time at a party I downed 10 shots in a line and wasn’t even sick, that’s got to be a special skill. Or at least I don’t think I was sick. I don’t really remember much from that night honestly. I’m joking of course! But yeah I’ve already told you my biggest skills and achievements.

This is a bit personal, but tell me about you past! Did anything exciting happen? I dunno, my life has been pretty normal for the most part. I grew up in a city, I had school and friends and college and friends. Oh, but then there was... okay! I got it. When I was around, I dunno, 17 or 18 I would say, I did a small modeling job! I don’t want to go into too many details in case someone finds it... I mean I looked good in it, but it’s very local to me and I don’t want people knowing where I live. Honestly, I was in my element. Like those were my people, you know? It was probably the most fun I’ve ever had, other than painting. I would love do modeling again sometime for sure. And other than that, I dunno, I kind of want to forget about the past and focus on the present and the future honestly.

Continuing down the personal path. What are your biggest fears? Oh my gosh! Okay, I have a huge fear of spiders! Like, they are just so small and icky and gross! I just hate them! All bugs actually, I just. Can’t. Deal. At all. No way, no how. Get those creepy crawlers away from me! Other than that, I dunno. Nothing really. I could go on a rant about how I’m so scared of failure and what if my art doesn’t sell? But like, I know I will succeed and I know my art will sell? Because my art is great?

Do you have any fatal flaws? Ohhhh we covered this in my English class! Something about Romeo and Juliet. Or was it Macbeth? I have no idea, I’m not an English professor, who even reads that shit anyway?? Ohhh I don’t even know if I have any flaws? I mean I’m not saying I’m perfect but like I must be pretty close? Hang on let me think.... Okay, got it! I guess my flaw would be that I always get so angry and frustrated with people!! Like even the littlest thing can set me off. People can just be so stupid and they just like, never listen?? But it’s okay. Whenever this happens I try to turn it positive! I use it as fuel for my art! Okay that probably doesn’t make any sense. I mean like, I turn those feelings around and turn it into inspiration! My paintings come out so much more expressive and packed with emotion when I do that. Sorry if I keep talking about my art by the way, it’s like my main deal. *laughs*

How do you feel about having children? Oh ew I hate kids! They’re always so fucking sticky and smelly and gross! And they can be so stupid, like I get that their brains are still growing but come on?? Howeeever, if I was in a long term relationship with someone who wanted kids, I would probably do it. If it was my kid there’s no way it would come out all gross and snotty. It would be an awesome kid.

Emerald wants to become a detective, so we should probably ask you: how does your criminal record look? Uhhh, I would love to say it’s perfectly squeaky clean buuuuut... I feel like if I lie it will probably come back to bite me in the ass. Look I don’t even know what kinds of things will show up on a criminal record?? I guess I have a few things, nothing major. I got caught fucking a guy in public once, which to be honest was so worth it because my best ever painting came out of that whole encounter! And uh, well I got a DUI, never making that mistake again! But like I wasn’t even that drunk. But whatever, it’s in the past now. And, oh, I smashed someone’s window in once because she was annoying me, like I don’t remember what it was about but like, she was really annoying me to the point I thought I was gonna have to punch her in the face. So instead I smashed one of her windows, and painted a pretty picture of smashed glass and I felt all better~ ((She was surprisingly completely honest here. There were a couple other small things like petty theft and one instance when she got into a small fight with someone when she was in college but she actually covered all the main stuff)) Why did you enter Em’s BC? Because it will be a great ego boost! And Emerald is very very pretty, I wouldn’t mind getting to know her. And you know, I have some spare time on my hands now that I’m not studying, and this looks like it could be fun! ((When she says it will be an ego boost she means because she thinks she will be way better than the other candidates, and because she thinks she’s probably going to win)) Is there anything else important that you want to say? Just that I can’t wait to meet Emerald! From what I know about her I’m sure we will get on great!

Okay I hope that was okay lmao xD Tell me if I need to change/add/remove anything!