#sorry for making a stranger things side blog and still posting on main anyways do you still think im hot

[bisexualvampires]

HYPOTHETICALLY. if i were to post a stranger things fic, should i do it on my usual ao3 or on a new one?

(disclaimer: i am still very much gonna be writing about the bi disaster and his angel crush, just don’t wanna scare off my followers) 🥲

[ppnuggie]

hello ppnuggie <3

can i have a lost in space match up please :3?

i go by sunny, my pronouns are she/they and im omnisexual!!

i have short, curly ginger hair and a lot of freckles,, im planing on getting little solar systems tattoed on diffrent clutters of freckles which is not really relevant ig but,, freckles

my eye color is a mix of blue and green and people have actually argued over what my eye color is at school lol,, i dont really have an aesthetic but i do have these really cool pants with doodles on them and a little ufo on the back pocket that says "i need space"

i have a very cheery personality around friends and i would literally die for them,, i dont express myself around my family as much because they can be really judgy and im really sensitive,, and if im around someone i absolutely hate/someone who has wronged me significantly, i will let them know exactly how i feel - if i do have an issue with someone i will always try to solve the issue in a civil mannar without hurting their feelings,, i rely on communication a lot and its an important thing to me with different relationships

but other than that, im very friendly with new people and friends, im very open and try very hard not to be intimidating, because as an antisocial and socially anxious person ik how it feel when talking to knew people,, im definitely more confident over social media and texts than i am in person.

im an artist!!! im graduating a year early from high school and going to one of the country's best art schools!! ive had art set as acareer path in my brain since the 5th grade,, art is my life

i also dabble in creative writting, mostly fanfics but its just so incredible to come up with stories,, im a big book worm,, if im not drawing or watching cartoons/syfi films im reading, could be ao3, wattpad, tumblr fics, poetry, or a physical book i bought, i will read it

i love syfi and action that simmer in some romance ya know,, it just hits diffrent,, especially alien robot themed syfi,, idk my brain just eplodes when i see space robots

i hate being surrounded by clutter, my surroundings affect my mental state so i try to be as clean as possible to keep my attitude and motivation up :))

i have anxiety + social anxiety,, especially if im alone in crowded/public spaces- went on a college field trip once in middle school and i had a break down at taco bell because none of my friends were there and i was surrounded by strangers,, students or not,,

i hate broccoli and coliflower and public speaking/presentation assignments

im sorry if this is too much? ive never asked for a match up before but the ones ive seen are kinda lengthy so im not too sure :// i might do another match up ask in the future for tfp if its still open i love those funky dudes

anyways thank you for reading my tf stuff and requesting it was the highlight of my week !!! :D

ahh tysm for requesting !! 🥹🥹🙏❤️ im so sorry i havent been able to reply to the comments and stuff you make on my posts 😭😭 i promise im not ignoring you ,, its just this isnt my main blog but instead a side blog ,, my main one i dont bother or toucb anymore 😭😭 but my dms are definitely open if you ever wish to talk or so <33 and np !! i cant wait to see the finished result for the request :D i like your work so much 🥹 its rlly good !! heres you matchup <33 under the thing ,, and dw ,, you can request again for tfp bc no ones rlly requested so far 😭🙏 congrats on the art school tho ! :D hope you do have fun with that !!

𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐃 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 : robot !! :D

𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐋𝐔𝐃𝐄𝐒 :

• he would stay around you often ,, not bothering to spend time with others and instead stick close to you unless you told him not to

• hes very curious about you ,, lights swirling around inside the glass on his face ,, he finds you interesting and nice to be around

• whilst hes not all that sure about humans just yet ,, as they all act differently from one another ,, he does feel safer and more comfortable around you

• whenever he catches glimpses of your drawings he tilts his head to the side ,, wondering about them in his mind

• he loves to see your drawings ,, how each varies differently from one to another ,, it just makes more memories for him

• he has tried to draw something for you before ,, wanting to indulge in this littke artistic hobby of yours and make something ,, though it was only in the dirt as he doesnt know how to use pencils and stuff yet

• he’ll help you with public spaces and crowds and strangers as best as he can ,, making it known hes there for you shall you need some reassurance <3

𝐒𝐂𝐄𝐍𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐎

the small stick glided around in the dirt ,, shapes starting to form as he moved it about. he had his mind focused on a plant form ,, gazing back and forth at it as he tried to mimick its shaping. the lights swirled softly inside the glass ,, hand moving to make another shape.

once finished ,, he turned to look up at you. the lights never once stopped swirling ,, a soft hum coming from robot as he awaited for your reaction. laid there in the dirt had been a mishapened flower ,, the one just a little bit in front of you two.

he hoped you liked it somewhat ,, hoping you’ll enjoy his creation as much as he enjoys yours. the lights slowed their pace ,, blue gazing into your eyes as he awaited.

[di-kut]

Morning

Pero Tovar x Reader 

A/N: I am again writing Tovar to avoid writing other things. Set in the same world as this, a small (meant to be) oneshot I wrote on my main blog, but much earlier in time. Reader and Tovar wake up after their second night together. They talk. Things are weird. I don’t really know what this is except I wanted more so here it is. This is very short and unedited. You don’t have to read the other post to read this one. 

The sound of someone moving about the kitchen wakes you. It’s a slow, syrupy sort of wakening. Your eyelids and limbs feel thick and heavy. The blankets are pushed back to your waist. Dust mites float gently through the stream of late morning light in the window. Piece by piece the cottage comes into being. The boots in the corner. The clucking of the hens. More of a scrabbling. You blink slowly. The kitchen has gone quiet again.

The night before settles in your mind. You push yourself upright, throw off the covers. Turn your head to the boots again and the heavy leather cuirass. Had thought they were your husband’s, still half asleep. Realise now how they could not possibly have been. Your legs shake when you touch your feet to the ground. Makes you flush, from your hairline to your breasts. The bruises are constellations on your thighs and your stomach. Around your nipples. The shape of his mouth. The soldier. Tovar. You hear things being shifted in the kitchen again. Hear the hens, the scratching, still stuck in their pen. The sun is climbing well above the trees, the sky a bright, brilliant blue. You have not slept so late in months.

You dress with shaking hands. Your head feels full of wool and your mouth dry. You did not drink ale. Had never drunk ale. Until last night. Until the soldier you had only met once, and now bedded twice, had bought it to you. From England, he’d said. Your hair is so tangled you give up braiding it, listen to the sounds of the stranger digging through your things. Through your life. Think of the meagre purse of coin in the drawer with the cutlery. Your dress is the same one you had worn yesterday. Cotton. Used to be a pretty blue, one of your favourites, now threadbare and faded. Piled under the arms and around the neck. You wrap the woollen shawl over it, high around your neck despite the warmth. A necessary protection. Make your way to the kitchen.

He is sitting at your table. Elbows crowded around his plate, legs splayed beneath. Wearing his trousers and his undershirt, but not his armour. His dark eyes find you immediately, knowing and unreadable. His scar pulls at his left eye as he eats, rips the bread with thick fingers and shoves it into his mouth. Smiles when he sees you. It isn’t a particularly nice smile – certainly not friendly. A secret smile, a knowing one. One that makes you flush pink all over again. You lean in the small doorway, unsure. Feel displaced in your own house, feel like he seems more at home here than you do. And maybe it’s true. You certainly haven’t felt as if you belonged in the cottage in months. You envy him. At ease in a place he does not know. Think it must be his life to live like that, from place to place. Feel suddenly very small and very childish in your small corner of the world.

“Sit,” he says to you.

You hesitate. Lean back slightly into the small bedroom and then step out. The floor is stone in the main part of the house, and cool even in the warm summer. Makes you curl your toes as you walk and settle into the stool across from him. Wince when you sit too hard.

He does not miss it. His smile grows, from secretive to smug. “Be careful, yes?” He doesn’t expect an answer, but you nod anyway. “Here, eat.”

You take the large piece of bread he rips off for you gingerly. Hold it over the table in front of you and watch him. He bites into his. He is not gentle, or well mannered. Crumbs fall all around him. Your eyes drop to his mouth, the same mouth which had last night been between your legs. Had called you beautiful. He chuckles. It draws your gaze back up. You go red again and bite into the bread, look away from him completely.

“You are shy. You look at me. You did more than look last night.” You can’t meet his eyes. Stare at a knot in the wood of the tabletop. He laughs again. “Very shy. Your husband does not do such things?”

“I – No.” You swallow. “My husband did not… He never…”

Tovar pushes the rest of the bread towards you. “You must ask him to do this. It makes it much more enjoyable for you, yes?” You are glad he does not expect an answer, this time, because you can make none. You are so flushed it makes you almost dizzy. “Best not to say to him where you get this idea from. He may not like that.”

“My husband is dead.” You say. Still staring at the knot in the wood. “He died when the attacks came from the east. Last summer.”

Tovar is quiet. You risk a glance. He is watching you still, but the smile is gone. He looks almost – pensive. Like he is lingering between two thoughts. He does not say sorry. He does not offer you any condolences. And it makes you guilty, but you are glad. Do not wish to hear anymore pity or second-hand sadness. He just watches you with his dark eyes. You take another small bite from the bread he’d given you. The bread he had brought with him from the inn in town when he’d followed you in the dusk back to your cottage. The bread you had watched him take from the bag of another man, a traveller with a velvet doublet and silk undershirt. It is very good bread. Filled with dried fruits and nuts. You push yourself up carefully and cross to the small chest of drawers. Pull the top drawer open and pretend to search for a knife. Stick your hand in far enough to pick up the purse which is still there and test its weight in your palm. Return it and pull out a long, serrated knife for the bread. Sit back at the table across from him.

He grins at you. “I did not steal your coin.”

You slice a piece and nibble at the side of it. Disappointed. Thought you had been more subtle than that. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“You do. And you are wise to check this.”

You say nothing to him. Continue to eat until you cannot anymore, and you push the last of it back to the middle of the table. Tovar takes it without another word and wraps it again in the wax paper it had been stolen in. Places it on the wide bench at the side of the room. Picks up one of the rags slung over the edge of the beam beneath it and wipes the crumbs onto the floor, nudges your arms off the surface of the table so he can wipe it over. You watch him, surprised. Had not expected him to show such care.

You need to let the hens out. To check the gardens. You had planted a bed too early in the winter and it had failed, and the rest you had planted too late. Had let the winter vegetables sit for too long before harvesting them. Had not turned the soil in preparation for summer. And now you were behind. You had not grown up on a farming property, and what you had learned from your husband you had never expected to have to do alone. Had expected to be able to afford to keep on your manservant. Had expected children. Had expected him to live longer. You rub at your brow and move into the bedroom to ready yourself. Don’t know how to ask Tovar to leave. Not sure you trust him in the cottage alone.

Tovar joins you while you dress, does not comment when you turn your back to him, pulling on your apron and attempting to tame your hair into a braid. Have to comb it for some time. He watches you openly. Pulls on his boots while you struggle with the knots. Watches your hands while you braid. Stares at the bruises trailing the length of your neck and jaw, phantom touches left behind, a trail from your ear to your nipple, disappearing beneath your dress. Does not seem to care that this embarrasses you. If anything he seems to enjoy it more because you squirm under his heavy gaze.

“I am going. I must go back to the camp.”

You nod without looking to him. Concentrate on tying the scarf around your hair.

“You will be sore today,” he says. As if this means nothing. As if he is simply observing something. And he is, you suppose. But it makes your stomach twist up and your thighs ache at the memory of him between them the night before. “You should not work too hard.”

The question tumbles out before you can stop it. Before you have even registered the thought. Not jealous. Not exactly. Curious. Scared. This is a world you have never known before this man, this soldier. A world you did not explore even with your husband. Are not allowed to talk about.

“Is that normal?” You frown.

“Hurting? Some types of hurting, these are good. Should not be a bad hurting.”

“No, I – ” You pick at your nailbed. “Not hurting. When, when you, with your mouth. You have done that before? With others?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

And the whole things makes you feel childish again. Silly and small. He is surprisingly kind. His is not laughing at you any longer. “This thing. Knowing these things. This is easier for men, because we are not blamed to seek these flesh comforts. But you should not feel bad for learning them. If they make you feel good.” He shrugs. “This way you can find many more things you like which will make you feel good.”

“There are more ways?”

He does laugh at this. “Many ways.”

“My husband, he never…” You cut yourself off. Horrified you would bring him up with this man, like this. Different to explaining his absence. Comparing them. You clamp your mouth shut. Tovar crosses to you and lays a hot, large hand over your shoulder. “How long are you staying in town?”

“I do not know. A week, maybe. And then we will go east again. This is how my life is.”

He sounds pleased with this. You do not ask him if you will see him again. He pulls his armour over his head and straps it around his torso. Collects his sword from where it leans. You walk him through the kitchen and into the stable, a wooden shack built against the stone wall of the cottage. His horse is mottled white and brown. Makes your mule skittish. You stay with him until he leads the mare out through your yard and into the fields surrounding. Far enough out of town that there are no people to watch him go. Close enough that you can hear the distant clamour of the regiment of army overflowing the village. You close the gate between you.

“Do you worry you will die?” You ask as he swings onto his mount.

“We will all die.” He says simply. “This is why we do the things which bring us pleasure.”

[thesextheorist]

External Male Genitalia

(Warning: One very shit side diagram of the male genitalia, and one computer generated image showing the difference between a circumcised and uncircumcised penis).

Hello my lovelies,

Sorry for such a long wait, I’ve been struggling with my mental health and motivation in general. However, I’ve had a mini holiday and I feel re-energised. I’m going to set myself a goal of posting a new ‘lesson’, if you will, on this blog every Friday. I just want to say another big thank you to all those who are supporting this blog and are wanting to learn more about your fun parts.

My first two posts were centred around the female genitalia (of which I am very familiar seeing as though I have one). We are now going to give some love to the guys and talk about male genitalia – I have done as much research as I can. Unfortunately with male genitalia it seems to be a case of…what you see is really all you get, externally anyway. I will do my best, but if something does seem off just let me know (remember this is a learning journey for all of us – myself included). Ok without further ado…

Mons Pubis – The area of fatty tissue that covers the pelvic bone, however it is not as prominent on males as it is females.

Onto the actual penis, which is split up into three main sections:

The root – this is internally attached to the wall of your abdomen, and connects the penis to the pelvic bones via ligaments to offer support. Colour coded Green (I’ve included some on the actual penis to help give the idea of how it supports the penis).

The shaft/the body – This is the tube like part of the penis. This is the area that swells with blood due to the three internal chambers which contain spongy erectile tissue (corpus spongiosum) which themselves are filled with thousands of gaps which fill with blood as the male becomes aroused. When the penis becomes erect, it lengthens and thickens, shifting positions as it lifts towards the abdomen – where the rather cringy term ‘standing to attention’ is aptly applied. Colour coded Orange.

The glans – this is the ‘blub’ or head at the very end of the penis, which can be covered with foreskin. There is the urethral opening at the end of the penis where both urine and semen are expelled from the body. Yes men only have ‘one hole’ and both urine and semen are expelled from the urethra. However, internal reproductive organs block off the ability to expel urine from the urethra when the penis is erect. The glans is also filled with thousands of nerve endings (4000 to be exact), meaning if you want a reaction – give it some special attention, don’t neglect the other areas, but this is the external pleasure centre. Colour coded Red.

Foreskin – This is a sheath of skin that is attached to the head/glans of the penis when males are born. It helps to keep the glans lubricated, mainly in older males. It is fully attached to the glans in these early days, meaning it can’t be pulled back. It starts to separate around age 2 but it can start partially detaching later in life. No matter what age you are, please for the love of God do not try to pull your foreskin back further than it will naturally go – you will hurt yourself. If you have foreskin it is important to gently pull it back and wash under it, if not a cheesy like substance delightfully known as ‘smegma’ can build up and potentially lead to infections. The foreskin can also be removed at a young age for religious beliefs. The removal of the foreskin is known as circumcision. There are also different forms of circumcision for different religions, but I am not qualified to talk about them. If anyone belonging to a religion that practices circumcision and the belief behind it would like to share their story please feel free (I will anonymise you of course and please do not post your experience unless you are 18+). Colour coded Red. There is an image below which shows the difference between a circumcised penis and a non-circumcised penis.  

Scrotum - The scrotum is the sac located behind the penis; it is literally a sack of skin to hold the testicles. There is a left and right testicle, and like female breasts they are rarely symmetrical – if there is one thing to learn about nature is that she hates symmetry with a passion. In fact, one side of the human body is bigger than the other. Anyway back to balls. The purpose of the scrotum is to hold the testes which produce sperm and hold them until ejaculation (the physical effect of an orgasm). Hormones, such as testosterone (clues in the name) are produced here. Testosterone is the main sex hormone found in males, it plays a key role in the maturing of the male during puberty – focusing mainly on the sex organs, secondly on bone mass, muscle and body hair. In some cases a male may be born with one testicle. This is normal, but I would always advise that you check with your doctors if you are worried about something (I’ll share a story about my asymmetrical tits and the doctors at the end to make you guys and gals feel better). Others may lose a testicle to a medical issue – remember all bodies are different and there is beauty in our imperfections. Colour coded Blue.

Perineum – Which is also eloquently referred to as the ‘Gooch’, which is located behind the balls and before the anus – it’s in-between the two. Much like on the female, the perineum can vary in size, between 1 – 2+ inches. It can also be stimulated during sex, again, just be careful. (see my second post on female genitalia for reference).

Right story time:

So I’m telling you all this to help with my own body confidence and to help anyone who may be going through the same thing either with their tits or balls, or anyone who may be struggling with body image in general. So during puberty my tits started growing in fairly even, until my left decided to be a bitch and outgrow the other. And this isn’t a ‘little’ difference – it is incredibly noticeable, and I have to wear special shaping and compacting bras to help with my shape and make it less noticeable. Now a lot of things can affect this, diet, hormones and genetics being some. I went to the doctors for two reasons, one to check that there were not any underlying health problems such as breast cancer. Thankfully that was a negative, but I still make sure to regularly check my breasts in the bath to be sure (I’ll include a post on this too). Two, to see if anything could be done to even them out, but the NHS said no as it wasn’t a real medical concern (which to be fair, it isn’t a medical concern if there is nothing causing it other than nature hating symmetry). I’m now in my 20s and still suffer with this problem. I’ll be honest with you, I’m self-conscious every day, I’m scared of getting naked and having someone laugh at me. However, at the end of the day, if someone laughs at your body doing something that it can’t control, then they’re a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve your time and you should wait for bigger and better things. No one is lesser because of their body, no matter what it looks like. Coming to terms with your body does take time, it is still taking me time, but talking to your loved ones (or complete strangers on the internet if you’re like me) is the first stepping stone to acceptance.

Alright, that’s a wrap on my external genitalia series! Over the next few weeks I’ll be covering erogenous zones, internal pleasure centres, masturbation, consent and safe sex (not necessarily in that order)! I will cover the reproductive systems at some point, but I will let you know that it is not my main concern as most education systems around the world teach sex ed with the purpose of reproduction. To say sorry for being so late with this post, I will let you guys choose what I next post about, just reply to this post and I’ll tally it up. Your choices are:

1 – Erogenous Zones

2 – Internal Pleasure centres

The runner up will be posted a week after the winner. I’ll stop counting the results on Sunday, 11th July at 9 pm (UK time/GMT +1).

The next post will also be a lot better than this one as I get back into the swing of it. I hope anyway. 

Take care and stay sex positive my lovelies!

-          Love, TheSexTheorist xxx

[doof-doofblog]

"You Want A War?! You Got One!"

Tuesday 20th October 2020

Hello again folks! Hope you're having a good day so far! I really enjoyed writing about Monday's episode, I'm really hoping Tuesday's will be just as good. My plan was going to attempt two blog posts today but  I've decided it will be a lot easier for me to do one post a night. Seeing as I'm not working on Saturday, I can write up about Friday's episode then and follow tonight's episode tomorrow. That will leave me with next week not being behind, I hope I've not annoyed any of you with this, and I apologise in advance if I have. But I just want to do the best I can with this blog and I just want let to you guys know that I am still committed to do this 100% ... life just seems to get in the way sometimes. Anyway, let's jump right into Tuesday's episode and see what's going on in Walford!

The episode starts with Phil still reeling from the recent news he's learned about Ellie. Ben is adamant that his Dad shouldn't be going in with all guns blazing, he even asks his Dad if he wants him to go along. But Phil instructs his son to get things in the house ready for a 3 year old, as not matter what, he'll be bringing Raymond home! But something tells me, it's not going to be as simple as that! Is going to be walking into a war or a trap? We already know the Ellie was to blame for Raymond's parents passing away, what is she going to do next?

At the Beale household, Ian finds Peter and informs him that he has transferred some money into his account, not just his allowance but a little extra. Is he literally buying his son's silence?! I'd like to think Peter is smarter than that, maybe in time he'll come to realise that his Dad is lying to them all. As Ian leaves, Kathy can be seen doing her make-up, getting herself ready for her date with Iain. She confides in her Grandson that she's feeling nervous, more to the fact that the fella doesn't even know her real age. Peter tells his Gran not to worry and that the date will go smoothly. Just as Peter happens to mention the word "Date" - Bobby appears and is shocked to hear that his Gran is going out to meet some stranger, but I think the main issue is that he's upset she's going outside during a pandemic and after taking precautions during lockdown, she should be careful as she's vulnerable. Something tells me that this has something to do with Bobby's OCD storyline, recently he's been constantly reminding everybody to wash their hands and be careful, I might be jumping the gun here, but are EastEnders going to make Coronavirus a storyline? Meaning, is Kathy going to catch it while going on her date and become really unwell, or will Bobby end up getting it after being incredibly careful. Who knows? I could be completely wrong, but it would be an interesting outcome, don't you guys think?!

Meanwhile, in the Vic Stacey and Kat are cleaning whilst Lily sits and watches as she's playing on her tablet. This was a very interesting conversation between Stacey and Kat. Kat just happens to mention that she saw Ruby with a designer handbag that Martin has supposedly bought her for her birthday. Stacey seems a little upset by this news and she appears jealous as she mentions that the best presents that Martin ever bought her were a CD and paint! It's the next part which Lily seems to listen really closely too, she's obviously aware that her Mum is feeling sad about Martin and Ruby being together, but to let off some steam, Stacey will shout and probably say things that she doesn't mean, it's then she mentions Ruby having "Daddy issues" and she's had them ever since her Dad saved the wrong daughter in a house fire. Lily picks up on what her Mother has said, what is she going to do with this new information?!

At the Cafe, Habiba is eager to get Ash and Iqra on side to go to court with her to support Jags. Ash reveals that Suki and Kheerat are going and everyone thought it was best if no else went. Habiba is saddened to hear that Ash isn't doing anything to save her brother. Everyone knows that Jags is innocent, but no one is willing to tell the truth. Iqra offers to go with her sister for support, Habiba accepts and they both leave to head off to court.

In the Arches, Phil is looking that he's waiting for someone, checking his watch and the clock on the wall. Suddenly, Ellie walks in, personally, I feel there's going to be some kind of row going on, but Phil plays the sympathy/guilty card. Explaining that he knows everything regarding the car crash that Raymond's parents were in. He tries to convince her that Raymond would be better off with him and his family, he'll be safer - seeing as Ellie has put her Grandson's life in danger and what's going to stop her from doing it again?! Ellie then plays dirty, she scoffs at Phil's words, informing him that she has also done her homework and found out everything about Ben, Louise and even Dennis. Phil looks a little bit defeated that he's been caught out, but then Ellie changes her tune, she admits that she can see how much Raymond means to him, and she even goes on to say that she'll let Phil have him. Phil, however, does look a bit suspicious, what's the catch?! Oh - only £150,000! Ellie announces she'll let him have Raymond for 150 grand!!! How the hell is Phil going to find that kind of money?!

Meanwhile at the restaurant, Kathy is preparing herself for her date, she takes a deep breath and turns the corner to find a - dare I say - dashing gentleman waiting at a table. He spots her and he seems really happy to see her, clearly a little nervous but ever more happy to see her turn up. As Kathy takes a seat you can see she is also nervous, mainly due to the fact that the poor man isn't aware of her real age. He makes a point about going on dates and ending up being catfished, meaning that the person who turns up doesn't turn out to be who they make out they are online. Kathy can only give a small smile, she must be feeling a little guilty, perhaps feeling that she's leading the poor guy on. Something tells me she might come clean by the end of her date, but who knows? Will it be a success?!

At the Prince Albert, Ash and Peter - surprisingly two other characters I never thought we'd see share a scene. But from what I can make out, they both have a little bit in common, Ash is wallowing her thoughts and fears about her brother going to prison for something he didn't do. Peter is also battling demons about his own Dad, wondering whether to trust him or not. They're both dealing with deep family issues right now, and it looks as if as they continue their conversation, they have some mutual understanding of each other and what the other is going through. I could be looking into something that isn't there, but do I sense a bit of flirtation as Peter offers to buy her a drink? I mean, sure, anyone can offer someone a drink without it be flirtatious, but I don't know - something told me that maybe there might've been something there. But who knows, Ash I believe is happy with Iqra, so who knows what could happen? This is EastEnders after all!

Back at the restaurant, it looks as if Kathy's date with Iain is going brilliantly! They're both giggling and enjoying each other's company. But it looks as if Iain is asking Kathy really awkward questions, questions which are having to make her lie about her family, such as Peter being her son instead of Grandson. Is she going to keep up the pretence that she's younger than what she actually is?! I mean, I said it last night, Kathy is looking fabulous at 70 and she shouldn't be afraid to be proud of her age! I think Kathy is a stunning looking woman, gorgeous hair with a beautiful dress sense, with a gorgeous smile - what's not to like? Who cares if she's 70? I hope eventually Kathy will admit the truth and hopefully Iain won't find the age-gap a big deal! Kathy deserves some happiness! Later on as they leave the restaurant together, Kathy invites Iain to the Prince Albert, things are looking great when suddenly Kathy takes a nasty tumble as she twists her ankle and falls to the floor. Ash, Peter and Bobby rush to Kathy's aid insisting that she needs to go the hospital to get herself looked at. Iain is a bit blaséabout it, saying she "Just tripped" - something you do never say when a woman falls over! In my opinion, if a woman ever falls over, people should do the decent thing and make sure she's okay - no matter what her age may be! As Peter and Ash plead Kathy to go the hospital, it's then that Peter slips up and calls her "Gran" - much to Iain's surprise, it's then that Kathy admits her real age and admits she's feeling incredibly foolish. I feel sad for Kathy at this point, everything was going so well before her nasty fall - I hope Iain will maybe look past it, but who knows? Did any of you also notice that when Bobby saw his Nan fall, he started counting, clearly to cope and calm his breathing after what he's just witnessed.

At the club, Stacey is looking for Martin, but Ruby appears to be in the middle of something with a supplier, she's refusing to sign for items she didn't order. Stacey watches on as she's being hounded by the delivery driver, surprisingly she stands up for her ex-friend and basically tells the delivery guy to do one! Ruby seems surprised that she's stood up for her, in an attempt to rekindle their friendship, she asks her friend to stay for a drink. As Stacey and Ruby are drinking, it looks as if things aren't going to be as easy as saying "Sorry!" - they are both really strong feisty females and to be fair, they have both done wrong to each other in recent months. Stacey makes the valid point that any man in Stacey's life, Ruby also seems to get her hands on - Sean, Max, Martin, but then again Ruby comes back with another valid point, that she didn't pretend to be her! It's true that they are both best friends and they're the only friend's each of them has got right now, will they be able to look past everything that's happened and move on?

Meanwhile, in the Vic, Habiba is looking absolutely heartbroken, it looks as if Jags has been sentenced to four years in prison for his attack on Martin Fowler. Habiba is devastated that her boyfriend has gone down for something he didn't do, she announces to her sister how much she hates the Panesar family for watching and doing nothing to save Jags. It's then she informs Iqra that she no longer wants Ash living with them. Is Iqra going to be forced to make a huge decision, whether to ask her girlfriend to leave or whether to move out with her girlfriend and leave Habiba alone. Back at the club, Suki and Vinny are also discussing Jags, Vinny is still adamant that he should've taken Jag's place, but Suki shrugs it off and tells him to man up, prison will be the making of Jags - apparently.

As soon as Suki leaves the club, the camera spans across and we find Stacey and Ruby again. Stacey is quick to say that she needs to get off to find Lily. But suddenly, Lily walks in admitting that she's been in the club office the whole time, both Ruby and Stacey are shocked to find her. Stacey is quick to ger home but Lily - oooh she's become such a little madam hasn't she - She's can't understand why her Mum and Ruby are now socialising? She opens her mouth and puts her Mum right in it, revealing what Stacey had said about her previously to their meeting. Stacey is horrified with her daughter, Ruby is just as shocked. It's then that Ruby begins to play the evil stepmum, she promises Lily can have a takeaway with herself and Martin whenever she likes, much to Stacey's annoyance. Stacey gives Ruby a warning, she is nothing to Lily and never will be and she warns her to stay away! Something tells me it's going to be a long time until Ruby and Stacey are friends again, something is also telling me that somehow it'll affect the children. Also I'm thinking that Lily is going to become a very twisted little girl, causing so much trouble and causing havoc in her family, ruining relationships and perhaps spreading lies about everyone. What do you guys think of the new Lily?! It's going to be quite a while to get used to, Lily was such a lovely little girl and now she's turned into such a spoilt brat!

Back at Beale household, Bobby can be seen once again cleaning extravagantly. Wearing gloves and counting the amount of times he's wiping the picture frame. Peter comes in and calls out to him, informing that their Gran has been in agony since her fall. He walks in to find vases and picture frames placed on dining room table, Bobby is breathless as he violently wipes clean every inch of the vase, counting to five as he does so. I've never been one to understand OCD, but it must be hell to live with, but then again I guess I kind of have the understanding that the people feel the need to do things until they feel completely safe. Peter looked concerned for his brother, will he confide in his Dad or Nan about what he's witnessed?!

The final scene of this episode, Phil has gotten the money together to give to Ellie. He walks in the Arches to find Ellie waiting for him, without Raymond! Ben quickly follows his Dad to see what's going on. Phil throws the duffle bag with 80 grand inside, insisting that he needs more time to get the rest. Ellie seems very unimpressed but it's only when Ben begins to plead to his Dad to not give Ellie more money that she starts to squirm. Ben makes a very good point that she could bleed Phil dry for years at the promise of getting Raymond eventually. Part of me is hoping that Phil will listen to his son, as much as Phil is desperate to be reunited with his son, he can't afford to lose all his money. He can't risk giving the money to Ellie, to then have her do a runner and not keep her word. Phil agrees with Ben and informs Ellie that she's not going to receive another penny from him! If Phil wants Raymond, he's going to do things properly with solicitors and possibly even take Ellie to court - it looks as if we've got a custody battle on our hands!!! Ooooh I am so looking forward to seeing the outcome of this! What do you guys think? Will Phil eventually be able to welcome Raymond back into his life? Or is there going to be many dark twists and turns along the way?!

Thank you guys for reading! I hope you're enjoying my blog. I'll be back tomorrow following tonight's episode! Thank you for your continued support! Enjoy the rest of your week! Love you all xXx

[pandawritespoorly]

A Shy ‘Sparrow’: Chapter 3 - Caught On Camera

Author’s Note: Aaaaaah! It's been so long I'm sorry! The chapters I wrote are directly related so I didn't want to post one without the other, but somehow my mind forgot the fact that those chapters are 4 & 5, and I've only posted 1 & 2, which leaves 3 available to me to post.

I just realized that, and I felt bad, so I'm trying to post it now, though I've got to go somewhere quick so I'm on a bit of time crunch.

Chapter Summary: Sparrow's existence is finally confirmed publicly.

First | Previous | Next

Another akuma attack over. The hooded heroine follows her usual routine at this point. She brings back her crane sentimonster, waving as it goes to fly over the city as usual. The girl floats across the rooftops as she makes her way back home. She does her best to stay out of sight.

She doesn’t see the blogger on the streets below her, camera raised.

---

Attention CatChroniclers! I have some big news!

We’re all aware of the theories regarding Chat Noir’s potential partner. People have been insistent that the distractions that have been appearing during battles are the work of someone behind the scenes, despite the fact that Chat Noir insists he knows nothing about them.

I myself certainly think that many of these occurrences seem almost too convenient.

Well, after today’s battle, I saw a brown figure jumping away on the rooftops. I got a clear picture, and I personally think that they look like they could be a hero!

Clearly they aren’t Ladybug themed, as the prevailing theory claims, but the animal theme is there!

Paris, I’d like you to meet Sparrow!

(Name open to change once they give me an interview 😉 ).

 “Plagg? Alya posted something about me having a partner?” Adrien calls to his Kwami cautiously. He’s not sure what to make of this.

“And? What’s new? That’s all those morons talk about on there anyways,” Plagg retorts disinterestedly from where he’s eating his camembert.

“No, like, she got a picture of some bird person jumping across the rooftops.”

“Bird person…?” Plagg floats over to sit on Adrien’s head, he reads the accompanying text quickly. “Pull up that picture, kid.”

“So, like, I know you mentioned that a Ladybug hero might join me, but is there a Sparrow miraculous…?”

“No, but…” Plagg narrows his eyes suspiciously, “Zoom in on the thing holding their cape together.” Adrien does as he’s told, “What is it?”

Plagg shoots forward, hovering in front of the screen before turning to Adrien seriously, “That’s the Peacock miraculous.”

“What? But I thought that was lost! And peacocks are blue!”

“I guess someone found it. Peacocks are blue, yes, but peahens aren’t. See how their neck is blue? Definitely a peafowl.”

Adrien frowns in confusion, pulling up an image of a peahen to compare the two’s coloring.

“So they’re a girl?” “Not necessarily, they just… don’t want to attract attention,” Plagg pauses, thinking, “Alright Kitten, there’s someone you need to meet.”

---

“Plagg, this better not be another cheese shop.”

“Kid, as much as I love tricking you into taking me to cheese shops, this time I’m actually taking you somewhere miraculous related,” Plagg assures his chosen.

Adrien mutters under his breath bitterly as he knocks, “If you tell me that that their cheese is a miracle I’m throwing out your camembert.”

The door opens, revealing an old man in a hawaiian shirt, “How can I help you young man?”

Adrien tries to think of a way to respond without revealing too much to this man. He’s not sure if this stranger knows about the miraculous or not.

Before he can answer, Plagg shoots out of his pocket, “Ugh, we are not doing this whole thing. Adrien this is the Guardian of the miraculous, so you don’t have to worry about revealing things, and Fu my kitten is here because I’ve decided he’s ready and blah-de blah all that jazz.”

A turtle Kwami floats into view, “Plagg, there is nothing wrong with being cautious.”

“It always takes forever though, we’re here because we found something important,” Plagg groans.

The Guardian (Fu, Plagg had called him?) leads them into what is presumably the main room.

“Before we begin, Adrien, I’d like to introduce myself. I am Master Fu, and, as Plagg stated, I am the Guardian of the miraculous. This is Wayzz, he is the turtle Kwami.”

“The Guardian?”

“Yes, I am in possession of every miraculous, and am in charge of distributing them as I see fit. That said, the Butterfly and Peafowl were lost long ago, so finding out that the Butterfly was in Paris was quite the relief, if only it weren’t being used for evil,” the man shakes his head regretfully.

“Actually, we found Duusu,” Plagg interrupts, “She’s in Paris too.”

“What? Where is she?” Wayzz asks excitedly, leaning closer.

Adrien pulls out his phone, showing them the photo he had saved. He passes the device to Fu so that the pair can get a closer look.

“My friend Alya posted it to her blog. She said that they were leaving the attack after the akuma was defeated,” Adrien adds, “I’m pretty sure they’ve been causing distractions during the fights and healing the damage.”

“Healing damage to that extent must be tiring. On top of assisting during akuma attacks, it is impressive that they have been able to keep out of sight,” Fu remarks.

“What should I do? Should I try and get the miraculous back?”

“No, that won’t be necessary yet. For now, they are not a substantial threat - especially in comparison to Hawkmoth. If they continue to assist you, there is no harm in allowing them to continue. Perhaps you should speak to them though.”

“I tried to once, but they ran away.”

“There’s no reason not to try again,” Wayzz comments, “It is good that you have assistance now.”

“Yeah, I want to know why you decided to send out my kid alone,” Plagg glares at the two.

“Ah, yes, that. I apologize,” Fu frowns, “I did not want to send out both of Hawkmoth’s desired miraculouses-” “So why not a Bug?”

“I incorrectly assumed that once Hawkmoth saw that the damage to the city was permanent, he would stop, or perhaps calm down enough to be reasoned with.”

“Yeah, ‘cause when I think of Hawkmoth, I think ‘reasonable’,” Plagg drawls. 

---

“Nooroo?” Gabriel summons his Kwami from its hiding place, “I have some questions regarding the peacock miraculous.”

“Yes, Master?” it doesn't meet his eyes, bowing as it is supposed to.

Gabriel enlarges the image on his screen. It’s a zoomed in portion of who is supposedly a new hero. ‘Sparrow’. It looks as though they have the peacock miraculous, but that doesn’t make any sense.

He has the peacock miraculous.

“Is this the peacock miraculous?”

“It certainly looks like it, Master.”

“Explain to me how someone else has it, when I have been under the impression that it was safely locked away?” he snaps.

“Perhaps there was robbery, Master. Someone could have taken it from you. I do not know how that person got it,” it answers meekly.

“Hmm,” the man accepts this answer, “We’ll have to draw them out. I assume it is still broken, so if I can wear them out…”

He trails off, a plan forming. If he increased the amount of akuma attacks, and targeted this ‘Sparrow’ specifically, it wouldn’t be long before the side effects started getting to them. With them in a weakened state, he’d be able to retrieve it easier.

Perhaps Chat Noir would become distracted if his fellow hero began being sick, which would be even better.

Whoever this is must think they have the upper hand, having stolen a magical artifact from under his nose.

How very wrong they are.

---

The hooded girl quickly ducks behind a chimney, head spinning. Definitely an akuma. She’s confused, there’s usually 2-3, maybe 4 attacks a week, but now there’s another. The last one was only 2 hours ago. What’s going on?

“Chat Noir! Sparrow! Give me your miraculous!” the akuma calls.

She frowns, murmuring to herself, “Sparrow? Who’s that?”

“You’re Sparrow,” a voice says from beside her, “Did you not know?”

She startles, which doesn’t really help her lightheadedness. Chat Noir is sitting on the roof, looking at her carefully, his face guarded.

When she recovers from her surprise, she hesitates slightly before speaking, “I-I am?”

“Yeah, Alya Césaire got a picture of you after the last battle.”

Oh. That’s probably why her phone had been blowing up. She had wanted a break after the battle and ignored it.

“Oh dear.”

“I’d like to speak with you.”

The girl can translate that - he has questions and he wants answers. It’s really only fair.

“Uh, yeah. Give me a minute,” she plucks a feather from her fan, concentrating to make it an amok. She holds it out to him slightly, “Uh, can I…?”

He looks confused, so she elaborates, “I uh, was going to make a sentimonster, to distract the akuma, but I wanted to make sure you were okay with it? I didn’t want to make you think I was threatening you...”

“I-”, he clearly hadn’t been expecting this, “Uh, okay.”

“It’s not dangerous or anything” she assures him. It’s only half a lie. It’s not dangerous to anyone but herself, seeing as using it on herself will tire her more.

She can feel the sentimonster beginning to form, but she interrupts it. She has a specific way she wants it to look, so it can’t just go the natural route.

Closing her eyes, she concentrates on the intended form. She doesn’t notice the way her hands close into tight fists, or the way she begins to sway slightly.

Chat frowns. He has expected their meeting to be odd, but this is kind of worrying.

The thing he assumes to be the sentimonster is forming slowly, taking shape in a cloud of dark bubbles eerily similar to akumatizations. It didn’t seem to be making much progress, and Sparrow seemed to be struggling? In pain? He isn’t entirely sure.

The bubbles fade, revealing a perfect copy of himself, and at the same moment Sparrow collapses.

He catches her instinctually, but before he can wonder what he’s supposed to do, her eyes open and she sits up.

“What…?”

“Are you okay?” He may be somewhat suspicious of her, but she’s still a citizen of Paris, which means she’s under his protection. She clearly isn’t entirely well.

“I- uh, yeah. Just tired,” she smiles awkwardly. He’s not convinced, but doesn't say anything, “Okay, what do you want to know?”

He frowns, “Shouldn’t we deal with the akuma first?”

“He can do it,” she gestures to the copy.

Copycat gives a two finger salute and jumps away. It’s a strange feeling.

“...Alright then?”

Chat turns to the girl, trying to think of how to go about questioning her. She sits before him stiffly, and with the social circles he grew up in, he’s well versed in the look of someone who does not want to be here. She’s fidgety, and her smile is too wide.

“So, who are you? What do you want?” He’s direct, not well versed in how to question people.

“I want to help my city. I’m not going to let Hawkmoth come after my city and not do something when I can. At first… I didn’t want to, but she wasn’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer. At this point, I wouldn’t pass this off to someone else,” she looks off to the side, thinking for a moment before continuing, “I’m not going to tell you who I am. I understand that you’re the real hero here, and I’m not going to try to replace you or steal your miraculous, but you need help, and I can’t not provide that.”

Chat Noir keeps his face emotionless, but can’t help the warmth that fills his body. It’s not often that someone is so willing to help him just to help him. People that help Adrien in shows are paid to do that, and he’s only recently made unconditional friendships.

He doesn’t comment on it, trying his best to seem like someone who knows what he’s doing. Someone in charge - a leader. “When you say ‘she’ wouldn’t take no for an answer, you mean your Kwami, right?”

“Uh, yeah. Duusu.”

“My Kwami recognized the miraculous in the picture,” he adds, seeing her confusion, then he comments “I don’t get how your Kwami could stop you from giving it up.”

“She uh- I don’t know. She just has more backbone than me I guess,” she can tell he finds her answer odd, but it’s honestly the truth.

Of course, there’s also the whole ‘slowly-dying-from-the-damage’ factor. She doesn’t want to pass that on to someone else.

“Where did you find the miraculous?” After they had talked longer, Fu had brought up the possibility that where the peacock came from could be a clue to Hawkmoth. “How did you get it?”

“In my room. It was in a pile of papers I hadn’t touched in a while-” she pauses, something occuring to her, “Actually, I’d last touched them the day the akuma attacks started.”

That strikes him as odd. Sure, his miraculous just showed up in his room that day too, but that was because Fu gave it to him. Fu could not have given her the miraculous, and Hawkmoth certainly wouldn’t have.

“That’s… strange,” he considers his next question for a moment. It’s looking less likely that he’ll get a useful answer, “What about Nooroo?”

“Hawkmoth’s Kwami? Duusu has mentioned him before, but I don’t know where he is. I think they used to be together, but they’ve been separated, o-obviously.”

“And, just to be sure, how have you been using your miraculous to help?” He’s careful not to provide the answer in the question.

“I’ve, uh, been trying to make distractions during the attacks, or other things to maybe make it easier. I’ve been making sentimonsters to repair the damage too. Duusu says it’s because I’m a Bug, and I’m not really using it the way a natural peafowl would. Though she also says that it’s for the best in this situation. No Bug helping you, and all that.”

She avoids mentioning the fact that this extra healing is damaging. It’s only her, so it’s worth it. This is her city, and there’s no way she’s going to let it be ruined.

He nods, accepting her story. Standing, he says, “I’m going to go deal with the akuma now, maybe we’ll talk another time.”

Sure enough, the akuma is soon defeated. As usual, she makes a sentimonster to clean up and heads home, ignoring the bone-deep exhaustion.

---

“Marinette! What were you doing yesterday, you missed my biggest scoop yet!” Alya rushes up to her as soon as Marinette is on school grounds.

Feigning ignorance, Marinette responds, “Really? I just got so caught up in a project. What happened?”

Alya rolls her eyes fondly. “Oh course you did-”

“She got a pic-” Nino is cut off when Alya covers his mouth.

“My story! I got a picture of another hero! My theories were correct!”

“Congrats!” Marinette cheers.

Adrien joins them, fist bumping Nino as usual. “Yeah, congratulations, Alya!”

They make their way up the steps, but Marinette isn’t really paying attention anymore. Everything is spinning, and it’s taking all her concentration to stay upright and walking.

She misses a step, and it all comes crashing down - or rather, she comes crashing down.

“Mari!” Strong arms catch her before she makes contact with the ground, and she blinks a few times to clear her vision, putting her hand to her head.

“Are you alright, girl? That could have been a really bad fall!” Alya checks. Everything comes back into focus, and she sees her three friends standing around her, looking concerned. Adrien is the one holding her, and when he sees her eyes focus on him, he lets go of her carefully.

“Y-yeah. I just tripped.”

“You sure, ‘Nette? You can go t’ the nurse…” Nino assures her.

“No, I’m good.” She smiles awkwardly.

“Okay…” Adrien concedes.

---

Author’s Note: There!

Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave any thoughts, theories, constructive criticism, or anything really in my ask box, in replies or through reblogs. I love seeing what you think!

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[unorthodoxsavvy]

Hello.

I would like to have a metaphorical conversation- AND PLEASE DO NOT REBLOG.

What is this about?

This is about my gender (wow that sounds weird to say ug this is so formal kajskdjshsk)

Oh, okay, I don’t really care about your gender.

Honestly me either really but I’d like to use it to make a few points that are going to piss a whole lot of people off.

Then why are you bringing it up?

Because I like to be honest with my followers and I like to speak my mind and speak up for others and I want you to know if you don’t agree with me you can unfollow me. I would rather you know how I feel and my thoughts than you just following me because you think my blog is cool if that’s a concern of yours, which is completely valid and is also a concern of mine. I also think that maybe someone is in the same shoes as me and could use to hear this.

So what exactly did you want to say?

Basically that sometimes I feel cis and that sometimes I don’t.

That’s valid.

Thank you.

That’s not a thing.

Listen I really wish I wasn’t a thing, sorry to disappoint us both.

So you’re just a cis person who wants to feel special and insert themselves into the trans community?

I wouldn’t consider myself part of the trans community, really. I know that being nonbinary and genderfluid and other identities like that are usually filed under the “trans” community but I don’t identify as trans in any way. Maybe like an overlap sometimes in the nonbinary community? I’m still figuring things out, which I know a lot of people don’t like.

Are you just faking because you’re tired of seeing posts like “down with the cis”?

Idk. Maybe. I’m honestly quite worried about it. I’m worried that I am just a special cis snowflake that wants to be different and that I’m faking. But I do still identify as cis mostly. And yes I am tired of seeing those posts. There’s nothing like being super suicidal and then seeing posts telling you to go kill yourself or that your existence is an abomination.... much like other people have said about trans people and gay people and black people.... almost as if it has nothing to do with how you identify and people are going to treat you like shit because of who they are and how they act, not because of their gender or sexuality or race.

So transphobia isn’t a thing? And enbyphobia isn’t a thing?

Oh no, it is. I’ve just found that most of the time I see anti-trans posts it’s made by other trans individuals (truscum) or lesbians (terfs) almost as if you can still be LGBT+ and be a shitty person. However, I really don’t plan on saying things like “Down with the lesbians” or anything.

As a cis person, you don’t get any discrimination.

And yet here I am opening myself up for discrimination for saying that I identify partly as nonbinary, and partly as cis, because clearly what I want is more discrimination from more assholes so I can hate myself even more (because trust me, I hate myself plenty already). I have, however, gotten all kind of hate and death threats for being cis, so I don’t really see how coming out as something in addition to that is really going to change things.

So how does your identity work then?

My gender works by seeing posts like “if you aren’t [identity] then don’t fucking reblog” and internally going aaaaaah I don’t know what I identify as but I relate to this but they said if I’m not this then don’t reblog so I guess they won’t reblog so they won’t come to my blog and attack me-

Oh, that’s not what you meant.

A simple way to put it would be to say my 3 blogs are all tied to my gender:

On @unorthodoxsavvy I am Savvy, I go by she/her. I am a femmish sapphic who is really into positivity and cottage core and nature core and pastels and Dan and Phil.

On @jim-hawkins-Indiana (yes, it is a Treasure Planet and Stranger Things crossover) I tend to vent and be angry and like horror and blood and gore and scary things and ghosts and demons and cryptids which really ties into me feeling more gender neutral. Patton-pending (Sanders Side joke there for you) I go by “Sav” and they/them if you’re going to refer to me at all but I like to keep that blog more anonymous (and now I have a better understanding of why)

Same with @polyamorouspunk

Are you sure you’re not just a gnc cis person?

Nope. Not at all. I have absolutely no idea what my gender is, just like I have no idea if I’m really “bisexual” because the popular definition of “liking girls and guys” is not how I identify but that’s how people will interoperate it, just like I have no idea if I’m really polyam because sometimes I just like to tell myself I’m faking because I have internalized polyphobia.

Are you a special MOGAI snowflake?

Apparently yes. I haven’t really settled on any labels but some that in theory fit me are terms like demi-gender, demi-cis, demi-girl, demi-nonbinary, bigender, girlflux, situational genderfluid, genderflux, binary nonbinary, nonbinaryflux girl, demigirlby, gender punk/fuck, and probably a whole lot more.

So you think your gender can be sounds and foods and other things?

I think people feel things and that’s their business as long as they aren’t hurting themselves or anyone else. If everyone’s having fun why is it a big deal? The only ones being pissed off are the ones who don’t identify as such. If my or anyone else’s gender upsets you, you’re really the only one who’s loosing here.

Do you expect to loose followers over this?

Oh but of course. It would be foolish to think otherwise. Saying I don’t care about my follow count is a blatant lie, but anyone who chooses to unfollow me because I’m a special MOGAI snowflake who’s also tired of seeing posts about other cis people like me being horrible for something they can’t control who’s also probably a transtrender who’s just faking or whatever even though gender is just a social construct so you can’t really fake something that doesn’t really exist can easily be replaced by someone more to my speed.

There’s something I’d like to say- can I ask you about it/say it on anon?

Of course my ask box is open to anyone, even if it’s to send hate my way. Whatever questions you may have I’d love to answer to the best of my abilities (though I’m not expert, not even on myself) and any shade you have to throw I’ve heard already and clearly hasn’t affected me.

Thank you for sharing Savvy (I’m using Savvy because this is posted to your main blog where you identify as a cis female and not on your other blogs where you identify as somewhat nonbinary)

Why you’re welcome, thank you for reading this far and suffering on my behalf.

Anyway if you want some real LGBT+ positivity go follow @heartfullofrainbowflowers

*-*-*-*-*

Behind the scenes of deciding to post this:

[thecockandcarrot]

Convenient Universal Timing

I was hangry at myself this morning for not being an early rising productive human. Like anyone who hasn't finished putting together their upcoming art exhibit would be. Don't get me wrong I woke up at a decent time and made a delicious smoothie. Or sometimes, I tell myself it's delicious because I'm too broke to dump out all the organic ingredients I use.

So after rummaging through the fridge, for the third time, I decided I would make a run to the local upscale grocery store (Contradicting?…Slightly). You know! Because deep down inside after years of programming from stupid, hopeless romantic movies. I longed to casually bump into my soulmate while out and about, seamlessly starting a conversation that leads to a coffee date and, ultimately, marriage. Within a one and half hour time frame of course. Self-centered and shallow? Most definitely.

Side note: I wonder if there's any correlation between sexual orientation and pre-pubescent/young adolescent males growing up watching romantic movies. In which the main character falls in love with a man. Anyone? 

Anyways, let's get back to the main biscuit and gravy of this post. 

LAW OF ATTRACTION. Did you see that coming? Me neither this morning! When I was dumbstruck by an experience I had at the grocery store that I had some time to reflect on while munching down on my bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich. 

Sir Kensington's "Special Sauce," not all that great by the way, if you happen to find yourself in sauce aisle at Wegmans. 

I really hope they aren't studying the shopping habits of people in grocery stores. Because if they did, they would probably wonder why the heck I shop like I am visiting from another country. I swear I have no actual route I follow. It's as if I am subconsciously throwing together recipes in my head as I am wandering around. Taking things off the shelf, then trekking back to the other side of the store to put things back. A MESS. Well, not really, at least I have the decency to put my items back where grabbed them from. 

This morning though, I was in the aisle where I picked up the bottle of Sir Kensington's Special Sauce when I overhead a couple looking for the store brand organic ketchup. The woman hastily said, "I don't get it, it's not where the ketchup and mustard is, and it's not with the other sauces!" The husband seemed uninterested and a bit exhausted of this marathon ketchup babbling. So I lingered a bit looking over in her direction. Part of me was trying to see if I could locate it for her, and the other part of me wanted to point out the limited ingredients brand I use. I couldn't remember if it was organic or not, and the label was obscured from where I was standing. Still, deep down inside, I really wanted to recommend it to her.

So I slipped into my fantasy world, as I usually do, to summarize different scenarios with different outcomes based on my intuition. I concluded that because I wasn't one hundred percent sure if the ketchup was organic or not, I wasn't going to interject. I had this gut feeling the woman would respond by contorting her face in disgust. And in a condescending tone utter "That's not organic!" out of her paper-thin lips. 

To which I would respond, "Ok, Karen! I get it, sorry for opening my mouth. Do you want me to get the manager?" Then roll my eyes and walk away. She definitely had “can I speak to the manager” vibes fuming out of her. 

So I strolled away and continued zig-zagging through the store. I really needed almond milk creamer, so of course, I made my way through the coffee aisle to pick up a bag of ground beans. I also needed to grab one of my co-worker's favorite powdered creamer for our mini under desk coffee station. Which, as it turned out, they didn't carry. 

It happened again! I became acutely aware of a nearby conversation. I overheard a woman and her boyfriend debating or not if they should purchase a bottle of KITU coffee with MCG oil, which stands for medium-chain triglycerides. I really wanted to jump in and say, "YES! Buy it!" And dive into facts about the use of MCG's and how beneficial it has been for me. Just as I began my 10,000 reels of possible outcomes, they walked away. 

So I asked myself, "Why did you get so excited to help in those last to instances?" 

"Why did you feel the need to interject your existence into the lives of four complete strangers?"

"What are you needing?" 

"Human connection!" I instinctively yelled out in my mind. As my eyes simultaneously enlarged and I half smiled at the level of self-awareness I had at that very moment. 

*You develop a sense of gratitude for therapy when you are witness to the evolution of your own internal dialogue and emotional maturity.*

That moment lasted all but two seconds, and I proceeded to finish my own personal marathon in the grocery store. I was making my way down the frozen aisle reasonably quickly because I didn't want to make any more stops and I need to get home to get some painting in. As I neared the end of the frozen section, I heard a small, frail voice mumble something from my eight o'clock. I halted. Looked back and saw a petite woman in her late sixties or seventies with her forearms almost pressed against her chest and hands curved inwardly. I walked up to her and asked if she needed assistance with anything? She very sheepishly said something, but I managed to hear her say broccoli and cheese. So I looked up and grabbed her the frozen box of broccoli and cheese. 

I also grabbed a couple boxes of frozen corn at her request. Her cart was nowhere in sight, so I helped her arrange the boxes in her arms so that they would not fall out on to the floor. She was attempting to explain that her arthritis made it very difficult for her to grab anything. I reassured her there was no need to explain anything I was happy to be of service to her. I did offer to walk the items back to her cart, but she assured me she could manage and that her husband was around the corner. There was an air of concern imprinted in my head, but I trusted her confidence. 

As I rolled my cart away, I went into self-reflection mode. To the onlooker, I may appear to be staring directly at them or look utterly oblivious to my surroundings. Nothing exists around me when I am in this mental space as I try to connect the dots of an entire experience I am attempting to draw meaning from. So there I was, walking through my own parallel mental dimension, and I came to a simple conclusion.

In both instances, before helping the women grab items, the need I wanted to fulfill was more than human connection. I believe I had a spontaneous need to be of service to someone. One could argue that maybe my subconscious foresaw that moment and was drawn by this unexpected call for help, which was initially masked by hungry stricken grocery run.  

That possibly, I had an emotional response but constrained myself in the two situations that led up to the moment; that actually required me to take action.

Like a mini-mission from the universe. Testing my ability to really listen and become a silent witness to the data mine streaming all around me. What we call reality or human experience. 

Is recognizing this moment a result of me turning off all music and T.V.? Which is a challenge I imposed on myself for my upcoming art exhibit. Contrary to the name "Under the Influence," this is very much the space this exhibit explores. Being under the influence of silence. Silence from all external visual and auditory stimulations that we are accustomed to overdosing ourselves with daily. Had I jumped in the shower, blasted music, ran out of the house to run errands skipping breakfast altogether like I usually do. Would I have responded to this call for help? Maybe, it wasn't even a call for help I responded to, but just an ordinary grocery with convenient universal timing. 

Is human connection the gift of silence? Or a link to a more insightful version of myself? Does muting mainstream stimulation strengthen a sixth sense we are naturally born with? 

I am intrigued, to say the least, and I am looking forward to painting this evening. What I am most appreciative of is that this interaction with a complete stranger motivated me to dive into self-reflection and write about my experience. I have been trying to gather the strength and energy to sit down and write a blog post like I used to do regularly but always found an excuse not to.

So, to the universe and the women who asked me to help her this morning. Thank you.

[thewadapan]

It's Friday night.

You've locked yourself out.

The streets are empty.

> RETRACE STEPS

(I finished an MS Paint fan adventure.)

Creator’s Commentary

Normally, when I post stories on this blog, I throw the whole thing beneath the spoiler break - but that’s not really possible this time around. Click the link above if you haven’t read it yet - it only takes about ten minutes - then come back here if you want.

All done? Still with me? Okay, cool, because we’re going to be heading into spoiler territory here pretty quickly.

                               “RETRACE STEPS”

OPEN ON BLACK:

INT. – LATE AFTERNOON

A door opens on the right, spilling light into the threshold. The ceiling light automatically flickers on. Alice enters frame and heads to her door.

She tries the handle, but the door doesn’t budge. As her hand depresses the handle, the title briefly becomes visible.

We return to the original angle. Alice reaches into her left pocket, and finds nothing. She turns to lean against the door, facing the camera, and checks her right pocket, then the pockets of her hoodie. She tries the handle again, but the door is definitely locked. She leans, for a second, motionless.

           ALICE    Fuck.

She stalks out of the threshold, and the door closes behind her.

I. Making friends is harder than I thought.

When you’re a kid, people sorta make friends for you. Maybe your parents’ friends have kids, so suddenly those kids are your friends. Maybe you go to nursery or school, and then your classmates are kinda your friends too. At least some of those people will probably never stop being your friends. As you move through the education system, that cohort diffuses through the local schools - but chances are a few of your friends will stick with you all the way.

When you arrive at university, chances are you’re completely alone.

You’re thrown through the gauntlet of fresher’s week, forced to put yourself out there as you identify new friends and foes. One of the main attractions of university-managed accommodation - particularly catered accommodation - is that it places you with a huge amount of new people. Heck, part of the idea behind having a roommate is that they’re your “designated friend”.

(I didn’t have a roommate, and ended up going to university with two of my school friends, so these are less experiences and more observations - but that’s not to say I didn’t go out of my way to make new friends in those first weeks.)

After a month or so of the dreaded “three questions” (”What’s your name? Where are you from? What are you studying?”), the cliques have mostly solidified. The college relationships have crumbled, after one or both parties realised they were mostly in it for the sex. The cool people have long since stopped showing up to lectures. You haven’t gone back to any of the sports clubs and societies you signed up for. Maybe, just maybe, you’re occasionally glancing at your phone and wondering if you should finally give your parents a call to let them know you haven’t died.

If you’re lucky, you’ve met your new best friends. If you’re unlucky, then you’re very, very alone.

But of course, it’s not all down to luck.

She stalks out of the threshold, and the door closes behind her. Outside the threshold, there is a shot from the banister above of Alice walking down the stairs, facing away from the camera and typing on her phone.

Outside, Alice sits on the wall and stares at her phone. There is a brief montage of her slowly pacing up and down the path, leaning out into the road to check if anyone’s coming, checking her phone, peering into the downstairs window, kicking loose stones back into the gravel, and back to her sitting on the wall. After a few seconds, she puts her phone away and trudges out of frame across the stones.

II. Coming up with stories is harder than I thought.

I can’t exactly remember what I put my name down for during freshers’ week, but one way or another I ended up dragging a new friend to a writing workshop for my university’s filmmaking society. A bunch of strangers from all years were crammed around some tables that had been pushed together in our Student Union’s bar.

This guy, the head of the- president of the society? Sure, the President, let’s go with that. The President stands up and sorta fumbles his way through an introduction, before telling us to turn to the person next to us. I turn to my friend, because I don’t like talking to strangers. Then the President tells us (I might be misremembering here) that we’ve got one minute to come up with a story.

There’s a moment of awkward silence, because nobody wants to be the first person to start talking about the first dumb idea that’s popped into their head at those words.

Then the conversations start.

I went into that first minute expecting to come up with absolutely nothing. To be honest, I’m pretty sure we came up with nothing. I think there might’ve been some implication that they’d go around the table once time was up asking for quick summaries - this terrified me not just at the prospect of having to bluff my way through a pitch, but at the prospect of having to listen to everyone else do the same. Honestly, the moment that’s stuck in my mind most since was when I talked to the guy sitting on the other side of me, and he started trying to tell me about Lord of the Rings, which... okay, I don’t like Lord of the Rings, sue me, whatever. Someone else talked about the Batman movies at one point, and - actually, that might’ve been the same guy. Y’know what, I’ve gotten off track.

The point is that at some point during that meeting, Retrace Steps was born. I don’t remember when exactly, or how I came up with it - I suspect I’d locked myself out of accommodation at some point, or knew a friend who had, and thought it’d be funny to do a story where someone does that and can’t for the life of them get back in. In order to add complications, I decided that their roommate wouldn’t answer their texts, and that the residence office would be out of hours - and that was when the idea that everyone had disappeared came into my head.

INT. MAIN BUILDING – LATE AFTERNOON

Over-the-shoulder shot of Alice entering a corridor in the main building. The camera focuses on the sign saying ‘ON DUTY’, then pans across to the door to the general office. It focuses on another sign saying ‘The office is now closed...’, then across to another sign by the door with a phone number on it.

Foreground with Alice comes back into focus. She takes out her phone and dials.

           ALICE    Hello? I’ve locked myself out, do you have a spare...

She trails off, and puts the phone away. Clearly, someone’s answered but has hung up. Cut across for a close-up of her face, trying to figure out her next move.

SERIES OF BRIEF SHOTS:

Alice looks for her keys in:

A) a computer lab B) a library C) a laundry room D) a games room E) a bathroom

There are no keys, and no people. Alice goes to the kitchen and gets a mini-doughnut out from a box in a cupboard. She eats it thoughtfully. Once she’s finished, she reaches out to grab another, hesitates, and decides against it.

III. Making movies is harder than I thought.

A lot of the ideas being thrown around the table were for some pretty high-concept stuff, and I remember thinking - hang on, aren’t you supposed to actually be filming that? I’d approached the challenge from the angle of “what do I have, and what can I make with it”, not “what do I want to make, and how can I make it”. In an unfortunate twist of fate, my film - of all those that were conceived that day - would end up being far and away the worst. But I’ll get to that.

For a student film, the "everybody disappears and you’re locked out” concept made perfect sense - you could film it at your accommodation, you’d only need a single actor, and it’s a story that your audience will probably (if not immediately, then at least after another month or two) be able to relate to.

(Side note: I obviously hadn’t come up with this concept whole-cloth. Michael Grant’s Gone series of YA novels - which I’d finished reading midway through secondary school - is a superhero story about a bunch of kids on an island where all the adults have suddenly disappeared. More pertinently, Starscribe’s The Last Pony on Earth is the diary of someone who wakes up completely alone in their city, only in the body of a cartoon horse. Yes, Retrace Steps has its roots in My Little Pony fanfiction, and I’m very sorry about that.)

My friend wasn’t interested in sticking with the society - he mostly did it to back me up - but I guess I was. Knowing that most people would be angling for directorial roles, I signed up as a writer and threw together a script. An email came back the following day; apparently from el Presidente himself:

Thank you for sending the script Retrace Steps. As you have said in your original email, the script is quite short. But I do think it is a very intriguing concept nonetheless, one that is probably helped more so than hampered by its brevity. After all, the nature of your script would to a degree require an empty street, as well as a quiet hall, both of which are rare commodities indeed, especially during the weekends.

Anyways, since the script is well formatted, I will just offer a suggestion, one which I hope may help your final edit before the deadline, should you wish to do so.

Your script portrays excellently Sam's anxiety over the course of the narrative, from his inability to find his keys, then his inability to find anyone at all. I do however believe that you could make the final scene perhaps have more impact. How this is done depends on the overarching theme of the story you are telling, as what you would emphasize at the films' conclusion would depend on it.

Is it an allegory to the anxieties of the average student (Sam), who finds himself socially isolated by a sense of exile or ignorance of the larger community? Or is it perhaps more of an absurdist comedy, or even horror? Though I could wrong, I was under the impression that it was more likely to be the former than the latter. If so, could the story end with it emphasizing Sam's exclusion from society, such as a close up shot to the door and keyhole?

As with all feedback, you are under no obligation to take them to heart, and the things I pointed out are but small things to consider on an otherwise great piece of work. Thank you for making this piece available to the rest of the society.

It seemed that I’d successfully communicated the theme of isolation - less so the theme of entitlement. Bringing that theme to the fore would be my biggest challenge throughout subsequent drafts of the script (where I failed miserably) and the development of the fanventure (on which the jury’s still out).

(Those subsequent drafts would also see the characters “Sam” and “Chris” - those being the names of two friends I’d pegged as backup actors for the roles - get renamed as a more generic “Alice” and “Bob”.)

The Retrace Steps team consisted of a director, a producer, a cameraman/editor, and me. I met with the director only a couple of times - she seemed pretty competent, but decided that she couldn’t commit the time to the project and stepped down. Our producer was all too happy to take over the role.

Auditions started shortly after the teams were assigned - although I’d used male pronouns in the script, I’d anticipated that there’d be a greater demand for male actors (because most of the writers/directors would be male and most of the actors would be female) and planned to go into the auditions with no preference one way or another.

In truth, however, I think the gender of the story’s lead does have a noticeable impact on how it comes across - at least in film, where there’s no good means of narration. Speaking very broadly, when dealing with themes of isolation, I think the key question that comes to an audience’s mind is “why is this person isolated?” - and if the character is male, I feel like they’re more likely to assume the answer is a personal failure of some sort; there must surely be something wrong with him. If you’re reading this, chances are you’re in pretty deep on the internet, where I think these issues of perception are less pronounced - so if your instinct is to buck against those assumptions, well, I’m glad.

(The fanventure would end up using second-person narration, they/them pronouns and androgynous character designs to sidestep these issues entirely, while drawing the reader directly into the conflict.)

Our producer/director wasn’t able to make the callbacks (which felt like another red flag), so it was down to me to relay back to her what I thought of everyone. It was kind of a challenging process, because - as I’ve said - I don’t like talking to strangers and I certainly don’t like telling them what to do. Still, I was able to more-or-less settle into it, and eventually the director and I settled on a girl who seemed to know what she was doing. I feel a little bad for effectively putting her through the project, but the joke’s on us: within a year she’d been elected el Presidente of the entire students’ association. I can only assume that none of her opponents knew about the movie; it might’ve made for a pretty good smear campaign. Or not, nobody really cares about student politics anyway.

(The director couldn’t make it to the meeting where the society allocated the actors either. Basically, the President went through the actors one by one, and the teams would negotiate for each of them in turn. I’m fairly sure only one or two of the other teams were after the same actress as we were - I basically just said “we only need one cast member and we thought she’d do best,” and that was all it took; once that was settled I simply left and pretty much didn’t interact with any other members of the society in person until the screening. The other roles she could’ve got were minor anyway - although, in retrospect, she might’ve been better off.)

I think I’m not going to bother explaining exactly why the Retrace Steps short film turned out to be such a disaster. I’m pretty willing to pin the blame at the director’s feet - she’d arrange shoots at strange times with little notice, only to show up half an hour late herself. When she and I disagreed on part of the story, our cinematographer generally sided with her; she had the strongest personality of any of us, while I didn’t want to cause trouble. Our other team members - the actress and a lights guy who the society’d lumped with us (the lights ended up being a collaborative effort) - stayed out of it.

As the end of the semester approached, we were missing crucial swathes of footage. Our director pulled an ending out of her ass - a brief confrontation between myself-as-Bob and the actress, that... somehow involved custard creams? The script called for doughnuts, but we weren’t organised enough to have bought those in advance, and the biscuits were all we had at hand. I can’t actually remember exactly how it went, because it didn’t make any sense, but I remember enough to know that it actually ended up indirectly inspiring the execution of the revised ending present in the fanventure.

The end of the semester arrived. The society had hired out the small hall in the students’ union to screen all the movies. The screening started, and there was no sign of our director or cinematographer - they’d apparently been editing all afternoon. Eventually they arrived and sat down near myself and our actress.

I’m not gonna lie. What followed wasn’t the most embarrassing experience of my life. It probably wasn’t even in the top ten. But it was pretty embarrassing. All the movies were pretty awful in their own ways, but ours was uniquely terrible. To our director’s credit, she’d managed to cut the footage together into something we could maybe pass off as an absurdist comedy (which, to my own credit, had been kinda what I’d pictured in the first place - I’d just pictured something with a little more in the way of actual narrative). Even so, despite the awkward laughs - or perhaps because of them - it was atrocious.

I’ve only seen the movie once, at that screening, and I cringed the whole way through. Some time later, the director messaged me asking if I had a copy - apparently it hadn’t occurred to her to save one for herself, and our ex-cinematographer had gone AWOL - but I didn’t. Stupidly, I’d decided not to chase after one either, because in the moment I couldn’t imagine wanting to put myself through the experience of seeing it again. Almost half a year later, when I was almost done with the fanventure, I got back in touch with both the director and the society: I wanted to have the movie on hand so I could write about it in this commentary, but I didn’t say that, because I didn’t want to let on that I’d remade it as a frikkin’ webcomic. The person from the society said she knew someone who had a copy, and that she’d ask, but she never got back to me and by the time I remembered to chase her up it felt like it was too late to actually do so. It’s likely that the movie will never resurface - which I guess is good in a way, in that there’s no way in hell I’m gonna show it to any of you.

I was bitter. I wanted nothing to do with student societies. I wanted nothing to do with filmmaking, and haven’t made a film since - not unless you count Are You Happy, which I pretty much only made because I could do so entirely on my own. I’m much more leery about the prospect of collaborating with strangers, although I suspect that if an opportunity came my way I’d probably take it.

(Side note: last October, in an interaction which wound up being pretty excruciating in its own right, I contributed a satirical listicle to another society. This was a nightmare for a variety of reasons, but - suffice to say - it’s not particularly pleasant to discover that somebody’s made a bunch of edits to your work without telling you, especially if the changes are for the worse. I wish I had more positive things to say about collaboration, really, I do. Actually, I will say that my experiences working with others in the Transformers fandom have been pretty darn good - you can find details of that stuff over on the list of things I made.)

For a good while, I suspected that Retrace Steps would never see the light of day. I entertained the idea of rounding up a few of my friends and bashing the thing out myself over the course of a few weekends, but I ended up being pretty busy with other stuff. Besides, the society had the nice lights and cameras, and I didn’t want to go through the hassle of borrowing from them. Most of all, there was the tiny voice telling me that my script probably hadn’t ever been much good in the first place, and that I should switch back to pure prose - a medium with a much faster turnaround.

(That voice was right, as I’m sure you’re seeing for yourself. Look, it was a student film, there’s probably no such thing as a good student film - I’m just banking on fanventure-adaptation-of-a-bad-student-film still being fair game.)

EXT. STREET

Wide shot of Alice walking through the street, shouting. It is raining.

      ALICE   Hello? Is anybody there?

Overhead shot as she looks up and squints at the sky, then reaches back and lifts her hood.

Everything slows down. Cut to a side-on shot of Alice lifting her hood. A muted sound slowly turns into the jangle of keys as things speed up again. Cut across to medium shot face-on, as Alice looks confused. She reaches up with her other hand into her raised hood, and pulls out the keys. She holds them between two fingers, and the camera focuses on them.

      ALICE    Oh, for fuck’s sake.

IV. Talking about Retrace Steps without talking a little bit about Homestuck is harder than I thought.

Homestuck was this big multimedia webcomic that ran from 2009 to 2016. Homestuck was very good, and its unique “MS Paint Adventures” format inspired thousands of “MS Paint Fan Adventures” - some of which take Homestuck’s premise, but many of which are otherwise entirely original stories.

The oldest writing on this blog, in fact - presuming I haven’t hidden it out of mortification - is a rudimentary (and really god-awful) fanventure called You’ve Just Been FiRED. Don’t read it, it’s very, very bad, and I abandoned it after about thirty pages - some of which remain unpublished as of writing.

My second attempt at a fanventure, which - no joke - I wrote in the pages of my school planner during one exam season, is called SP00KY M4N0R; unlike traditional fanventures, which use the aesthetic of interactive fiction but none of the non-linear storytelling, this one was a fully-fledged choose-your-own-adventure story. In the following year’s planner, I started writing a spiritual successor called W1LT1NG (the setting of this one is slightly less self-evident: it took place inside an Egyptian pyramid). Neither of these stories have seen the light of day outside of a couple of my friends (and teachers) - but they might, so I’ll discuss them no further.

At some point in high school, I tried adapting SP00KY M4N0R for the web - first in MS Paint, then later in Photoshop CS2 - but put the project on the back burner and never really picked it back up again.

It wasn’t until after I joined the Homestuck Discord server that my interest in fanventures was rekindled. I became its 9615th member on the 6th of January, 2018 - in other words, a good while after we’d wrapped on Retrace Steps - but very quickly realised that its rate of activity was far to high for me to keep up with anything, duly muted it, and pretty much just forgot about it entirely.

Months later, something - presumably in either the Worth the Candle server or the Worm server - drew me back, and I found myself lurking there infrequently. On the 2nd of November, I briefly waded in - to ask some questions about Cordyceps - and after that, I think I lurked on-and-off for pretty much a whole month while I finished the remaining works on Makin’s List of Shills (if you’re wondering what all of these names in italics are, you might want to click that link). After that, I was pretty much there to stay.

A small but notable number of the server’s regulars ran fanventures of their own, and so I found myself becoming much more aware of the format than I ever had been while working on SP00KY M4N0R. Eventually, I decided I wanted to make something of my own - this was shortly after I’d finished working on Another Son, which had ended up being something of a mixed bag in a lot of ways - and hit upon the idea of adapting Retrace Steps as a fanventure.

You see, the thing about fanventures is that many of them begin with the same premise - “you are mysteriously alone”, and then things escalate as you learn more about the world the second-person protagonist has found themselves in. Retrace Steps has that same premise, with a very simple twist - the reason you are mysteriously alone is simply that nobody likes you.

SERIES OF SHOTS:

A) Alice re-enters the building B) She heads up the stairs, C) reaches the door to the threshold D) (a brief return to the original angle from the very beginning of the film) and enters the threshold. E) Extreme close-up of the key entering the lock. F) Over-the-shoulder shot as the door is unlocked and starts to open. G) (180-degree cut) She stares, dumbfounded at what she finds within. F) (Her POV) Her room is full of people, all holding red plastic cups and staring at her.

V. Drawing is harder than I thought.

Before I get into the meat of the work, I should probably give a broad overview of the process I used for creating the images - which, for the most part, was identical to the process I’d used for SP00KY M4N0R. The panels in Homestuck are 650px by 450px; in order to create a rougher (read: more forgiving) look, I halved these dimensions to 325px by 225px. I’d originally planned to scale the images back up to full size during publication, but ended up deciding that the negative space around the smaller frames helped create an atmosphere of isolation. Besides, I wasn’t sure if it’d be possible to scale the images back up without any anti-aliasing.

If you don’t know what anti-aliasing is, I’ll briefly explain - it’s when pixels at the edge of shapes in digital images get changed to a slightly different colour, to create smoother outlines. This works well at high resolutions, but at lower resolutions muddies detail and makes the image appear somewhat blurred - the effect is particularly pronounced if the images are entirely black and white. Homestuck avoids anti-aliasing pretty consistently, and doing so is a hallmark of the MSPA style.

Thankfully, Photoshop CS2 allows you to turn off antialiasing on pretty much every individual tool. I drew all the graphics using a 4px brush, but thanks to a beat-up old variable-pressure graphics tablet I could reduce this to 2px as needed. The 2px brush size was employed pretty heavily for detail in some of the busier environments, and at times I found myself using the selection tool to nudge stuff around at a pixel-by-pixel level.

Although Retrace Steps is adapted from a script, I’m pretty sure none of the dialogue from that script ended up making the jump into the second-person narration of the story. In fact, very few of the script’s locations remain either. The words and the artwork developed in tandem - I was rarely more than a few panels ahead in the script, and would generally let the physical on-panel action inform what was being written.

I occasionally looked up bits of reference - most notably to get some architectural details for the Tesco store - but otherwise winged it. Occasionally, in the more complicated images, I’d start out by drawing some perspective lines. For a couple of the images in the credits (specifically the cup and the Poké Ball) I went so far as to use autoshapes as guides, because I was struggling to draw passable circles freehand.

(No, those shapes on the right aren’t my attempts at circles, they’re the guide I used while drawing the doughnut.)

I’ll give more specific thoughts later, but broadly speaking I think my drawings suited the story I was trying to tell about as well as they could. I’m not an artist, and in the future I’m going to stray away from visual projects like this; the part I value most is the writing process, and I’d say that only a tiny fraction of the time I devoted to this project was actually spent writing. The flip side of that, of course, is that people generally much prefer stories with a visual aspect - it’s hard to convince them to read a webcomic, much less a prose story.

           ALICE    What the actual fuck are you all doing in my room?            BOB (somewhat passively)    Uhhh… didn’t you get my email?            ALICE    What email? Everyone in the room stares at her. Then, as one, they move to push her out of the room and shut the door. She protests, until-

           ALICE    This is my room!

           BOB (poking his head back into shot with mucho sass)    Yeah, but it’s not though, is it? He slams the door the rest of the way shut, and the lock clicks back into place.

Back to very first angle.

           ALICE (quietly, to herself)    What the actual fuck.

She knocks on the door loudly.

           ALICE (shouting, her face inches from the door)    This is my room!

Silence. She tilts her head forward, hitting the door with a sad thud. Then she turns and sits down, back to the door, and the camera cuts to join her at this new level.

She sits for a few seconds, thinking, then gets up again and leaves frame.

VI. Writing this commentary is harder than I thought.

Anyway, I figure the best way to get down into the details is to just start at the beginning and work my way through.

The first twenty panels take place in something of a liminal space - the corridor on which the reader’s room lies. I made sure never to show any of the other doors in the corridor; so far as the reader is concerned, they may as well not exist. The door is numbered “41″ - this being a truncation of “413″, the most ubiquitous of Homestuck’s so-called “meme numbers”. I kinda envisioned the room as being the first on the fourth floor of the building.

(If I’m feeling cheeky, I’ll say that the other doors are the ones up in the site’s navigation bar - they literally exist outside the scope of the panels.)

I probably didn’t spend as much time as I should’ve perfecting this environment - the door’s very wobbly. My first attempt placed it at the end of the corridor, but I didn’t like the way that looked at all.

Just in terms of the site itself, there’s a couple of things to take note of. The first is the solo cup sitting at the top of page, next to the advertisement, which is also the story’s icon on the site - and its only splash of colour (well, except in the ads, which I don’t have any control over). The second is that the link to the next panel is “->” - a slight variation on the command used by Homestuck, which was “==>”. The significance of this should be obvious to Homestuck readers, but I’ll comment no further on either of these details until later.

(Fun fact: I didn’t find out that those big red American plastic party cups had an actual proper name, and that that name was frikkin’ solo cup, until well into the fanventure’s development, if not after I’d finished it entirely. One of my friends used the term in passing conversation - I can’t remember what about, because I was too busy freaking out internally. It’s like pottery; it rhymes.)

On panel 3 - once they’ve walked into the corridor - the lights have turned on, and the entire colour scheme for the comic flips. The idea of having automatic lights was present in the original script, but it wasn’t until pretty late in the fanventure’s development that I decided to make them plot-relevant!

Out of all the images, it’s the close-up of the door on panels 5-7 that comes closest to matching a shot description in the script. The original idea was that the door being locked was the inciting incident that would lead the protagonist to go look for their keys - so the title/command “RETRACE STEPS” would literally appear as they pressed the handle. In the first draft of that panel, this was in fact the case - but my prereaders didn’t think it looked that great, and I was inclined to agree; besides, the title also appeared prominently on the title page and during the credits.

It’s not until panel 7 that we get any words at all - a simple “huh”. In the original script, I made relatively heavy use of profanity in Alice’s dialogue - this was supposed to signify hostility. I wasn’t happy with how this came across, and completely backpedalled in the fanventure - the second-person narration is entirely devoid of swears. I wanted to portray your inability to curse to as a deficiency: you’re unable to fully express yourself. Like most aspects of your character, this isn’t something you’re supposed to consciously notice or understand until after the story’s twist is revealed.

Panel 8 includes a command: “Try door again.” Generally speaking, the commands used in Retrace Steps are much more perfunctory than those in Homestuck - they’re almost entirely devoid of snark, with many being only a single word.

This entire sequence has a lot of legwork to do in terms of laying out the situation in a believable manner without giving too much away. On panel 14, the narration lists your inventory: a phone, a packet of tissues, and a wallet. The phone and the wallet both play direct roles in the narrative, but I consciously chose to include the tissues because I think the word itself has connotations with illness, sadness, and loneliness.

It’s worth noting that these items are those that I personally carry about in real life. Other than the abstract geography of the corridor, this is perhaps the clearest example of me drawing directly from my own day-to-day experiences. The word “self-insert” is kind of a dirty word in a lot of ways, but the truth is that I wanted the protagonist of Retrace Steps to serve as both a self-insert and an audience surrogate. This is why I felt like the MSPA format would serve the story well.

(None of that is to say that you should draw conclusions about me as a person based on the behaviour of the character in the story. Superficially, they share a lot of my tics, but their actual thought processes and motivations are different in many ways.)

Panels 17-19 are just repeated images of the empty corridor; the lights turn off on panel 20, and the site’s colours briefly flip again. Heading into this project, I had the rough idea that I wanted to tell the story in a “nice” number of pages - maybe a hundred, maybe less, maybe more. I decided that, if I repeated the door image, I’d have a buffer to use to shorten or lengthen the final page count as needed - but that turned out not to be necessary. This little span establishes that the lights in the corridor are on a timer, a fact which turns out to be relevant down the line.

The first scene change occurs on panel 21, which shows a stairwell. My original version of this sequence confused basically everyone who saw it - I’d envisioned the camera as being at the bottom, looking up, but everyone presumed I’d done it from the top down. The current approach makes much more sense, as all of the lines of action in the image point towards its centre.

As you descend the stairs and thinks about your roommate, the narration rambles much more. In this story, I decided that use of the internet would be a signifier for loneliness in some way - the roommate has an old-fashioned phone and communicates only by text. I wanted to give the impression that they’re bad at checking their messages; preferring instead just to talk to people face-to-face. That’s not the whole story, though - to a certain extent, they actively ghost you.

Once more, I’m drawing pretty heavily from my own life experiences for this sequence. For a long time in high school, I used to have a terrible flip phone - my parents didn’t want me to have anything better. I eventually upgraded to a terrible smartphone, which I mostly used to play Hill Climb Racing and Glow Hockey. Late in high school, I wound up using a bulky Kindle Fire as a portable computer, with my brother’s old terrible smartphone in case I needed to call anyone; the phone was pretty much always out of battery. It was only within the last six months - halfway through my second year of university - that I got an actual honest-to-god good smartphone. This stuff becomes relevant again later, during the Pokémon GO sequences.

(As I said earlier, I didn’t have a roommate, but my neighbour did - his roommate kept strange hours, and I’m pretty sure most nights he didn’t come back to accommodation to sleep. They got along, but there was an arrangement in place there.)

The image of seeing someone at meals but never speaking to them struck me as a fairly strong one - in student accommodation, you’re forced to interact with people because you use the same amenities, but the extent to which you actually communicate with those people is a matter of personal choice. The narration uses the word “sit”, which I think implies a lack of understanding of that element of choice - you don’t sit together, therefore you cannot speak. The idea that you totally could sit together just doesn’t occur to you.

Anyway, panels 25-33 take place immediately outside the building. With public buildings like this, people who smoke are unlikely to stray far from the door - and the smell lingers for a while after they’re finished. Public smoking has always been one of my pet hates - I’m asthmatic - but I consider the extent to which it bothers me to be something of a character flaw. The protagonist of Retrace Steps is kinda built of flaws like this: things which sound reasonable but are rooted in their lack of empathy.

The narration uses the word “ramble” to describe the text sent to your roommate - later on, we learn that the word “rant” might’ve been more accurate.

This is the point where the story itself notes that it’s a Friday night - a fact which was previously stated in the very first line of its description. The idea of not doing anything on a Friday night is a pretty common symbol for loneliness; it’s the night when most people go out with friends, at the conclusion of the workweek. Tropes are tools - if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

The other symbol for loneliness in this sequence is slightly less obvious, I think - it’s when the reader kicks a single stone out onto the path. The narration notes that they “don’t know” why they did that; this was intended to mirror the story’s central mystery. In the original version, they kicked the stone from the path back in amongst the rest - the idea being that they’d kinda fallen by the wayside, and wanted not to be alone. I kinda go back and forth on which version I prefer, but they get the same thing across.

Panels 34-35 are each “unique” images, in that they only recur in the credits. It felt like a waste to spend a long time drawing complicated images like this without reusing them in any capacity, but I’m glad I did.

The first of these unique images was supposed to convey the city’s emptiness in a clear way. It’s probably one of my favourites, even if it’s pretty rough in places. The forced perspective is more strongly felt in this image than in any other in the fanventure, and it led me to mess up the scale of the protagonist - this was something that I only fixed after the comic was otherwise pretty much done.

I was on the fence as to whether or not to include the billboard. A lot of the imagery in the fanventure is very on-the-nose, but the billboard is easily the most blatant in this respect - the protagonist completely ignores the concept of self-improvement so they can play Pokémon GO. I ended up showing the panel to an uncredited friend, and they convinced me it was a good idea to keep it in.

The Pokémon GO stuff is pretty much when the fanventure jumps the shark, to be honest. You can tell, because the command - “Pokemon GO on your phone” - is a reference to a dumb thing Hillary Clinton said during the 2016 American presidential election.

See, the thing is, the vast majority of the game’s mechanics are designed to encourage going outside and interacting with others - you can ignore or circumvent this, but it’ll cost you one way or another. Which is fascinating to me! The game is easiest if you go out of your way to make friends with other people who play the game. This is a common theme throughout much of Nintendo’s output - and it somehow usually feels less cynical than the kinds of forced interaction you find in many other mobile games.

The bit that’s really fascinating, however, is the lengths people go to avoid these inconveniences. They’ll buy both versions of each new Pokémon game, rather than trading with someone who has the version they didn’t buy! They’ll buy a second Nintendo DS, just so they can get the Pokémon from one game to another! I can’t begrudge them, because I’ve certainly done similar things myself in the past, but I think you can certainly frame it in a way where it looks like all these gamers treat social interaction as an obstacle to overcome. Who’d’ve thought?

The narration on panel 37 ended up going through several revisions, thanks to feedback from Gitaxian. Back when I was new to the Homestuck Discord, Gitaxian was one of the people who made me feel welcome - we both really like this one obscure essay about the live-action Transformers movies (and totally recommend that you should read it). He responded pretty positively to Everything Is Red Now, a Spider-Man comic I made over a year ago, and was my first choice for a prereader on Retrace Steps.

Gitaxian found the sequence in its original form to be a little over-detailed, and suggested that I change its tone from “explaining the game” to “complaining about the game”. He also noted that making it “rantier” would be a way of concretely validating the roommate’s perspective. I followed his advice, and I’m much happier with where the story ended up as a result.

Knowing I’d be revisiting these panels later in the story, I ended up taking the time to polish them up a little: I added details of a fence and path in the background, and tweaked the hand in the foreground. By this point, I was starting to get pretty tired of drawing; of the project in general. I’d put aside other things I was working on, and had academic assignments to deal with as well.

Panel 40 is one of a couple of panels that I feel would benefit from similar polishing. The idea was that it’d be a top-down view of the street, with two streetlamps providing light. The round shadows would give the impression of a pair of eyes or binoculars, with the lampposts themselves being pupils - tying into the paranoia described in the narration.

I thought that, by zooming out and letting the darkness creep into frame, I’d be able to force something of a tonal shift - and I think I was reasonably successful in this regard, particularly as the colours of the site itself flip once more. The prose also shifts slightly in tone, as the tail-end of the rant leads into the realisation that something’s wrong.

In its original form, people were confused by the image - the shading wasn’t nearly heavy enough, and the composition was unusual. This is where the art style works against me; I only have two colours to work with, and it can be hard to distinguish between detail and shadow at such a low resolution.

(There’s an animated music video for SIAMÉS’ “The Wolf” which uses a similar monochrome-plus-red palette to Retrace Steps - I saw it long before development on the story started and forgot about it until just now, so I don’t think it was an influence on the fanventure, but it’s definitely worth a watch!)

In the very first draft of the script, the protagonist found the key to their room in their hood. Seriously. Like, it’d start raining, they’d put their hood up and there’d be the key. I couldn’t think of a good ending, so I just came up with something daft and called it a day. The “doughnut offering” aspect of the story didn’t appear until I redrafted the script, a little ways into the film’s development (probably before we shot anything), but I can’t remember exactly how it came about. Originally, the script simply ended with the door getting slammed shut - the last line being a “what the actual fuck” from Sam/Alice.

(At the time when I was writing the story, I didn’t make a habit of buying mini doughnuts. I still don’t, except for on some occasions when I’m eating at a friend’s house and want to bring something low-commitment - even then, it’s usually cookies or muffins or full-sized doughnuts. Presumably, it was Retrace Steps which influenced that particular habit.)

On at least a literal level, the story’s message is “buy people doughnuts if you want them to be friends with you”. But naturally the actual message - and, I think, the reality - is that it’s not so transactional; really it’s just about assuming the best of people and being nice to them. Of course, there’s plenty of pitfalls in that approach - I’d be tempted to write a whole ‘nother story about them, if I didn’t think it’d end up being a little too dark and deconstructive. Be nice! That’s all I’m saying.

At least when I was writing the script, I’d actually planned for the protagonist to buy doughnuts from the local Sainsbury’s store. We have a Tesco store as well, plus a bunch of bigger supermarkets, but the Sainsbury’s is usually the quietest - it’s expensive and poorly-stocked. Plus, I just felt like it’d look better on-camera.

(If you’re not from the UK, all you need to know is that Tesco and Sainsbury’s are the two biggest supermarket chains. Well, apparently Asda overtook Sainsbury’s last month, but we’ll see how long that lasts. I’d say they’re generally pretty-much-indistinguishable, but at least in my mind I associate Sainsbury’s more closely with the middle classes - Tesco, meanwhile, is ubiquitous.)

When it came to adapting the script, I realised I could use any supermarket I wanted, and I picked Tesco. Specifically an “Express” store, which is a smaller shop found in town centres and the like. It fitted the story better - and besides, I’ve always liked the colloquialism “Tescos”. As in “aight mum I’m poppin off Tescos, our Jack says they’ve got a bogof on Lucozade, works out a quid for two litres so I’m buzzin, you after anythin or nah”.

(As part of let’s-call-it-research for the story, I found an eight-page thread on Mumsnet where a mum asks “am I being unreasonable to get really annoyed with people who call Tesco ‘Tescos’?” - this was immensely funny to me, and pretty much cemented my decision to use a real supermarket in the story as opposed to a made-up one.)

So yeah, panels 41-44 take place outside this Tescos. It was my brother - credited as “patipon” - who noted that I needed to use more solid black in the image. Most of what we discussed about the story took place in voice calls, which is a shame; historically, it’s been uncommon for me to solicit him for feedback on projects like this one. I consulted him on several of this story’s panels - he devotes much more time to graphics and artwork than I do - and his suggestions were always useful.

The prose on panel 43 is probably one of the bits I’m most proud of. It’s an awkward mix of metaphors coming from a character who isn’t used to being able to think when they’re at this particular place. I like the phrase “fumbled passes in the aisles” a lot.

(Gospar, one of my IRL friends and another prereader on Retrace Steps, occasionally graces us with the saying “ah, another day, another butchered social interaction”. Meanwhile, I went through a short-but-embarassing phase of butchering the trivial social interaction of “how are you?” by replying “I’m here” - something which I can’t excuse, but which I sure can immortalise in a webcomic.)

(All of this talk of Tescos reminds me of a draft I’ve had sitting around on my hard drive forever - the beginning of a first chapter which I wrote early in secondary school. It’s set in a post-apocalyptic snow-covered Britain where people travel around in sailboats on skis, and opens with some guy going into a buried Tescos for supplies. There, he runs into some orphan, who persuades the guy to let him hitch a ride on the snow-boat - snoat? Sure, whatever, snoat. The twist was going to be that the guy was planning to nuke some settlement, for reasons which I never wrote down and have since forgotten, and the kid would work this out and have to kill the guy to stop him. I note this simply to say that, while my stories may have gotten slightly less dumb and bad since I started writing, it seems that Tescos will be an enduring feature.)

(Wintry post-apocalyptic settings will also be an enduring feature, come to think of it: around the time I was writing Retrace Steps, I was also running a Dungeons & Dragons campaign for some friends which was basically standard fantasy - only it was set on an infinite-in-every-direction ski slope. I’m not a very good Dungeon Master, so I let the campaign die after a handful of sessions over the course of the year - which is a shame, because I’d planned a KILLER TWIST for that story too. Anyway, enough nonsense - back to Pokémon GO.)

I suppose at this point I should note that the two Pokémon you run into are Dugtrio and Magneton. These two are the evolved forms of Diglett and Magnemite, and are kinda-unique in that they’re literally just three of their previous stage grouped together. Hopefully, the symbolism of someone trying to obtain these Pokémon - and only succeeding after offering them a berry - should be clear enough.

(Note that the narration on panel 46 says you’re “not sure why this thing wants the berry” - at this point in the story, the protagonist doesn’t understand the significance of gestures like this.)

(I’ve yet to obtain either of these Pokémon in-game myself; Diglett and Magnemite are surprisingly hard to come by.)

The second half of the fanventure - from panel 51 all the way to panel 100 - takes place back inside the corridor. There’s a lot in the way of repeated panels with very little narration here - I was going for a more introspective tone, and this seemed like a good way to achieve that.

On panel 52, the narration notes that you plan to message your internet friends, then call your parents. It’s a little beat, but I felt like there was something kinda sad about the idea of having a closer connection with people you’ve never met than with your own parents. This is a pretty irrational way of looking at it - in my experience, most people on the internet who talk about their parents have pretty frayed relationships with them. Besides, there are plenty of cases where random peers will be better-equipped to help with specific problems - it’s just a case of balancing that against the fact that your own parents will probably care about you far more than any of those people.

I wanted to convey the image of someone who has the vast majority of their social interactions online. This theme is crucial to Homestuck itself, but while Homestuck demonstrates it by communicating its story pretty much entirely in chatlogs, in Retrace Steps I try to communicate it by showing everything except the chatlogs. Homestuck kills off everyone except a bunch of internet friends and their guardians; Retrace Steps just quietly omits everyone except a bunch of strangers standing in a room ha ha ha whoops spoilers.

Anyway, on panel 53, we start to see an environmental change caused by these strangers. For the first time, it seems like you’re not completely alone in this world.

The light's motion-activated - it turns on when you open the door, and then turns off again after around ten minutes. You've been gone much longer than that... meaning somebody else must have triggered it since then.

While working on this commentary, I decided that the original text of panel 55 - present in the story since its original release on 04/04/2019 and preserved in the above quote - was kinda overwrought and clumsy. Usually I’m pretty loathe to make edits to a story after it’s out on the internet, but this one felt acceptable - “Why was the light on when you arrived?” is much more succinct way of communicating what’s going on.

This panel’s artwork is also pretty clumsy - in case you’re having trouble parsing it, that’s supposed to be your head at the bottom. I tried to put a bit of light shading on it, but I’m not really happy with the result. Like I say, at this point I was getting pretty tired of drawing. Nah, I’m not changing it.

On panel 58, there’s a rare bit of onomatopoeia as you finally think to knock on the door. The negative space encroaches in from the right... but what does it hide?

Oh hey, it’s your roommate!

I think to a certain extent, this is another confusing image - Gitaxian observed that it didn’t really make much sense spatially. It’s kinda supposed to be a side-on cutaway, but that doesn’t really come across - I briefly tried adding a wood grain, to communicate that it’s the open door, but that didn’t make much sense at this scale and only confused matters further. In the end, I tweaked the boundary between the door and the corridor to give the impression of a couple of hinges and called it a day.

Panel 61 is, I guess, the big twist. You wanted to know where everyone is? Surprise! They’re in your room! Having a party! And you weren’t invited!

I wanted the reader to have a second to contemplate this, so the next couple of panels swap back-and-forth between you and the doorway. To underscore the silliness of the twist, one of the people in the back takes a big long sluuuurp from their solo cup - this breaks the spell, and you point for them all to leave.

It’s panel 67 that breaks the narration for the first time in the story. I wanted to present the roommate’s dialogue as a sharp contrast to the inner voice of the protagonist - it’s full of abbreviations, completely devoid of punctuation, and written entirely in solo-cup-red. The roommate simply sighs that you “never change”, and slams the door on you (with yet another cheeky bit of onomatopoeia appearing on-panel).

The idea that being around other people somehow supplants your inner thoughts is a very deliberate one - the commands cease entirely, the narration goes away. In these moments, we see you how everyone else sees you - as someone who’s pretty much entirely silent. On panels 69-70 there’s simply some ellipses, which kinda lengthen into a brief return of narration as you’re left on your own once more.

The reason this party’s taking place in “YOUR room” - as noted in the narration on panel 71 - is simply to show a feeling of entitlement. On the surface, you’re mad that you can’t get into your room - but you're also just feeling like people should invite you to parties.

Hopefully, the questions on panel 72 and panel 74 should be answering themselves by this point. You don’t know it at the time, but these will prove to be the last pieces of narration in the story.

After you’ve had some time to sit in the corridor and feel sorry for yourself, your roommate starts feeling bad and comes out to offer a sincere-but-backhanded apology. We’re into the last quarter of the comic now - starting with panel 76, there’s no text outside of what is spoken by your roommate.

The command used to advance to the next page has changed from “->” to “-->”. The story isn’t about just one person any more.

(This device is lifted directly from Homestuck, which switched from the command “==>” - used when the comic had four main characters - to “======>” when it swapped to a cast of twelve. Many fanventures - such as Oceanfalls - riff on this concept further, and mine is no exception.)

Out of all the text in the story, I’m probably happiest with the monologue on panel 79 and panel 80. I think it speaks for itself.

(As I always find myself saying, these commentaries kinda show that I don’t trust my stories to speak for themselves. I did hold off on writing this one for a couple of months, but there was lots of behind-the-scenes stuff I wanted to get on the record and I ultimately couldn’t help myself. The truth is that pretty much nobody reads these things - the commentaries, or the stories they’re for - and so the whole thing’s pretty much for my own benefit. I get to declare what I was going for, you get to decide whether or not I got it.)

Panels 81-95 are pretty much a frame-by-frame animation of you offering your roommate the doughnuts, and them leading you into the party. It’s basically two actions, but I try my best to draw them out as long as possible - by this point, the story’s said pretty much everything it needs to, and now it’s all just... emotional payoff? I feel like I’ve never been much good with character arcs, but I’m proud of how this turned out.

As promised, panels 96-99 are a straight repeat of panels 17-19 - the automatic lights turn off and the site’s colours flip for the last time, neatly mirroring the story’s first two panels in its last two.

Back in the kitchen, she opens the cupboard again and grabs the box of mini doughnuts.

She returns to her door and knocks again.

           ALICE    I bought doughnuts?

There is a long pause. The door suddenly opens and Bob pokes his head around, reaches out to grab like three doughnuts from the box, and then darts back inside. The door slams shut again.

           ALICE    Hey!

VII. Animation is harder than I thought.

This story is titled Retrace Steps because, in its original script form, it mostly focused on somebody retracing their steps in the hopes that they’d find their keys. The fanventure, however, drops this aspect of the plot entirely - leaving it with something of an artifact title. Maybe I should’ve come up with an alternate title, but I didn’t. On some level, it now simply refers to the trip to Tescos - on another, I think it implies that something’s been lost. I think it was the nagging feeling that the title no longer held enough significance that led me to create the story’s final flash.

If you haven’t read Homestuck, all you need to know is that pages with commands that are prefixed with an “[S]” are usually longer animations set to music, used for particularly important moments in the plot (or, just as often, for random chicanery). Having a flash of this sort is a point of prestige for fanventures - especially if it approaches any real length of complexity. I’d vaguely liked the idea of letting music play a fairly prominent role in the short film, and it felt right to return to those roots.

There wasn’t really any question as to which song I’d pick, either. See, back in college, I ran this terrible meme page called Summer Meme Sundae. It was absolute garbage. Please don’t click that link. Basically, its deal was that - for the latter half of its run - I tried to introduce something of a plot across the “memes”, wherein the page’s mascot got castaway and wound up in Australia. It was very silly and absolutely incomprehensible. Like I say, don’t look at it. This isn’t reverse psychology, it’s legitimately unfunny and bad. Anyway, the last post I made was something of a rudimentary flash in its own right - set to “Pizza for Breakfast” from The Meme Friends’ Last Week’s Pizza EP. I know basically nothing about The Meme Friends, but I thiiink they were some randos on 4chan’s /mu/ board.

It’s fair to say that the aesthetic of Last Week’s Pizza, which includes such tracks as “Cold Pizza”, “Everyone I Ever Loved is Now Dead”, and “Executive Pizza Party (Business)”, kinda appeals to me. If you’re reading Retrace Steps, the chances that you’ve heard the track before are next to nil - it comes with zero baggage. Moreover, it’s from a freely-distributed independent project created by a collective that hasn’t put out anything in years - it’s extremely unlikely that anybody’s going to come and tell me off for using it.

I specifically picked “No Forks, No Knives, It’s Pizza Time” because I felt like its tone was closest to that of the story, and because it has a relatively short runtime of just over two minutes - which still ended up being a little too long, but I don’t think it turned out too bad.

The flash opens on the image of the door in the corridor from the previous panel, which is gradually cut into smaller and smaller pieces by black lines until it disappears altogether. Cue title. One of the reasons I like the flash format - aside from the lack of antialiasing - is that you really have no way of telling how long the video’s going to be or what happens except by watching it. There’s none of YouTube’s functionality for skipping around - you’re forced to sit and watch the entire thing start-to-finish without stopping.

(I think Retrace Steps is definitely best read in a single sitting, and the final flash is a big part of that. My fourth prereader, Multivac of the Homestuck Discord server, was unable to watch the flash at first - I forget why - and found the story unclear. After watching the flash, he seemed to backpedal on this sentiment. Time will tell whether his initial assessment was correct; I picked Multivac because he’d previously responded positively to Everything Is Red Now, and because I’d usually consider his reaction to something to be a pretty decent rough baseline for the general reaction of the Homestuck Discord server.)

When stuff starts happening, it starts happening fast - you see the protagonist’s descent down the stairs again, but this time you see all three panels at once, as if there’s more than one person on the stairs. The minute you get outside, you start seeing entirely new people - many with red accents of some kind. Someone smoking, someone who’s been shopping, someone with a rucksack...

The people outside Tescos had a little more in the way of thought put into them. On the left, there’s a homeless person, and someone walking by with headphones on. Over on the far right, there’s someone holding their phone out in front of them - they’re wearing a hat famously worn by Ash Ketchum in the Pokémon anime, just in case there’s any doubt as to what game they’re playing. Someone sorta tired-looking crosses away from the rest. Everyone in the frame’s kinda collectively ignoring the two people holding hands.

(Textually, Retrace Steps is a story about... platonic fulfillment? If that’s a phrase that makes sense? My personal take is that the protagonist of this story struggles to create and maintain friendships. However, I tried to leave room for interpretation - particularly in terms of this section of the flash - and I think a reading definitely exists that brings in more romantic subtext.)

(Actually, I already kinda explored this last year - much less effectively - in Another Son. Like in that story, I wanted the audience to understand why the characters are lonely - but I used a much more sympathetic approach this time around, which crucially makes you actually want the story’s protagonist to stop being lonely. Something which bothers me about certain stories - and this is a really common failing of music videos, which lack the introspection of prose - is when the narrative takes its protagonist and frames things in a way which says “you should feel sorry for this person” while they proceed to do really unsympathetic things. If you’re going to give them a victory, the audience should feel like they actually deserve it!)

After a brief segment where you finally catch that Dugtrio, the flash cycles back through the various locations until we arrive back in the corridor. This sequence was added mostly to pad for time, but also serves to bring things full circle for the flash’s final shots. On the final beats of each bar - which fall on a higher note - the colours flip; this was purely an aesthetic choice.

The next section of the flash is just credits, which I kinda wanted to use to lull the audience into a false sense of security. See, the original plan was for the final image of the comic to just be you, standing completely alone, holding a solo cup - an ending which I think is much more ambiguous.

I still think this original ending provokes a much stronger emotional reaction - and indeed, it did at the time. As Gospar said, “also you sure you wanna keep the sad end / I think the fade out on others and the static / sort of implied they hadn’t changed?” Gitaxian agreed - “I think having the crowd fade to just the two of them, and then ending there, would be the best ending”. I’d already considered doing that, but had decided against it for reasons I’ve forgotten.

See, by this point in the story, you’ve made this connection with your roommate - but everyone else remains a stranger. I like this ending for its optimism: instead of saying “you're still alone”, it says “this is a good start”.

Oh, and remember the solo cup that’s been sitting up next to the ad? Yeah, that’s gone now.

She protests and knocks on the door again. Just before she kicks it, it suddenly opens again. Bob has like three doughnuts in his mouth.

           BOB    These are pretty good actually.

He grabs the whole box and opens the door fully, lightly beckoning for Alice to enter. She does so. The door closes.

We cut to inside the room. Everyone is standing in cramped, uncomfortable silence. Somebody hands Alice a red plastic cup.

CUT TO BLACK.

THE END

VIII. Knowing when to shut up is harder than I thought.

I just went to Tescos and bought a box of mini doughnuts.

(I didn’t set out to do that, but they were selling a single box for next to nothing and I felt like it was too serendipitous to ignore.)

It’s the end of the year. Classes finished over a month ago. I always end up staying for a good while after, because doing so gives me more time to work on projects like this, but most of my friends end up leaving before me - in other words, I don’t have anyone to share the doughnuts with.

(They have strawberry-flavoured icing and multicoloured sprinkles, and they taste frikkin’ great, so I can’t say I’m too beat up about that.)

I’ve played very little Pokémon GO since I started working on this fanventure. I... think I kinda ruined it for myself?

When I finished Retrace Steps, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to do the fanventure format for a while. That lasted all of about four days, after which I started Huskyquest. It seems silly to give away this new fanventure’s plot here, so all I’ll say is this: it’s got dogs in it, it’s got more than three colours, and you should definitely drop it a like because I’ll hopefully be picking it back up again pretty soon.

In the meantime, feel free to peruse all the other things I made on this blog! There should be another project coming out here very soon, so if you wanna be informed when that happens, drop me a follow either here or on twitter. And of course, if you have any questions, my ask box is always open. Thanks for reading!

...You’re still here?

It’s over.

Pokémon GO home.

> Go.

[anamartinezblogs-blog]

Internet Safety

The internet is a source for thousands of things. It is a source for information that you didn’t know, school work, work in general, and even just to watch funny cat videos to pass time. You even use it right now to read this blog! Anyways, we all know all the great things about the internet, right? Well, its time for me to open up your eyes and tell you all the dangers and precautions you should know about using the internet. In this blog, I will tell you what online scams are, different types of online scams and how to avoid them, how to stay safe on social media, and finally some fun facts. Hope you enjoy!

Online Scams

With the internet constantly growing and changing, a LOT of people are starting to use it in their everyday lives. I hate to break it to you, but not all of these people use the internet for good. Sometimes, people use it to get money from others or to trick others into doing something. This is what you call an online scam. An online scam is a scheme online that tries to trick people into doing things that can benefit the tricker and/or harm the victim. There are MANY different types of online scams, each getting worse and worse. There are prize scams, money scams, friendship/romance scams, and lastly fraud scams. It’s a bit overwhelming seeing all these types of scams that you’ve never heard about before, so I’ll now explain what each of those is and give some advice about how to avoid them. 

Prize Scams-  When using the internet, you may come across a sidebar or an advertisement saying that you won something. Prize scams include online lottery scams, scratchie scams and travel scams. These scams inform you that you have won a prize (eg. a large sum of money, shopping vouchers, a free holiday or travel related products), and to claim it you are asked to send money or provide personal information. You may be excited to win something, but beware! 99.999% of the time, these “prizes” aren’t even real! The whole trick is to make you want the prize, and then to make you give them your address. That is a HUGE no-no because by giving them your address, you are now vulnerable for your home to be reached by any random person online. You can avoid this type of scam by simply not believing that you won anything unless you hear it from a source you know for A FACT is legit. 

Money Scams- Sometimes when you are online shopping, you come across a website that has exactly what you want and a great price. You might think “wow! I can’t believe this is so cheap and convenient! I’m definitely going to buy this!” However, that’s exactly what the scammer wants you to think. The whole point of the scam is so that you put your credit card information on the website thinking that it will buy you what you want, but then next thing you know the things you bought never show up and you are missing hundreds of dollars! These scammers trick you into putting your credit card information, meaning they can now buy anything they want with it. Scary right? Well, there are many ways you can avoid this. You can make sure that it is a legit website with reliable customer reviews, and always shop from places like Amazon or eBay that you know are not a scam. 

Friendship/romance scams- Have you ever went online and found someone really cool to talk to? Maybe you even wanted to meet them in real life and start a relationship with them, whether it’s a romantic one or a friendship one. Well, I’m sorry but that is one of the most dangerous things you can do in your entire life! On the internet, you never really know who is on the other side of the chat or what they really want to do with you. Even if they tell you that they are who they say they are or even send pictures, never ask to meet them or tell them any personal information. Try avoiding online chats with people you don’t know in the first place, but if you do come across one, make sure you know the motto “Stranger danger!” and never send out any personal information. It may actually save your life. 

Fraud Scams- This is a big one. Everyone in their life has come across a fraud scammer some way or another. A fraud is someone who pretends to be someone else, and they don’t say who they actually are. There are many different types of fraud scams on the internet. I actually have some experience dealing with this kind of scam. One time, I was online looking for a babysitting job, and some lady contacted me saying she has 2 kids that need babysitting. She then sent me a  $2000 through the mail saying I was getting “pre-paid”, but then told me that I needed to send her 1500$ online. She did this because once you send money online, it immediately becomes available. Guess what though? THE CHECK WAS FAKE!! She was about to earn 1500$ and rid me of $2000 (that I didn’t even have)! Now don’t worry, I knew this was a scam so I didn’t follow along with it, but it still could have ended badly. These types of scammers do this to a bunch of people every day online, and my story was just a little something so you would know what it would be like. Never trust someone online when it comes to money!

Fraud scams continued- That’s not the only type of fraud scam. The first type was people pretending to be someone else trying to get your money, but the second type I’m about to explain is when scammers don't try to get your money, but they pretend like they already have your money. Say you’re doing something online, and somehow someone out there has access to your credit card and ID. With access to these things, they could literally pretend to be you and use all of your money! Anyways, you can avoid these types of scams by NEVER letting anyone online see any of your property that proves who you are (such as passport, ID, credit card etc). Scams like this easily ruin people’s lives, and you don’t want to be one of those people, do you? Follow my tips and you won’t be! 

How to be safe on social media

Now that I’ve covered the main issue on online scams, it is time to talk about something we all know a lot about. Social media! These days, people of all ages have many social media accounts. It is a great way to stay in touch with friends, look at trendy things, and see some celebrities around the world. Social media is great and all, but I think we all need to be educated on how to be safe when using it. In this section of my blog, I will tell you some tips about using social media and how to be safe with it. Enjoy!

Instant messaging- Always make sure that you are talking to who you think you are. You want to avoid any fraud scams (people saying they are someone else). Always be careful about what you send someone else because if it gets in the wrong hands you could get into some serious trouble. There is a little rule I like to follow, and I hope you’ll follow it too. It goes like this- “if you wouldn’t want your parents, teacher, or priest to see what you are sending, then don’t send it!”

Posting Pictures- When you are posting a picture online, remember to make sure you know that basically anyone can see this picture. This means that you can’t have any personal information showing, such as your address, phone number, credit cards etc. Also, keep your pictures appropriate for all audiences. It’s better to make your account private so that people you know can see this, and not just random strangers.

Using Strong Passwords- This should go without saying. If someone hacks into your social media account, then they can post anything they want and send any message they want pretending to be you. This can really harm your reputation and may even be dangerous to you because of how much personal information is on your account. Just use a strong password no one can guess and you’ll be fine. 

Know who is on your account- Always know who is following you and who can see the things you post. If it is someone you don’t know, block them. If it is someone you do know, talk to them in person about it to confirm that it is their real account and not a fake one. It is very important that you are aware of who can see who you are because it is very dangerous to be vulnerable to strangers. It’s best to have a private account and closely manage your followers. 

Fun Facts about the internet

There are currently seven people who hold the key to the internet. In the case of any event which makes the internet shut down, these 7 people have a key to reboot its internal part.

All of us are familiar with browser names like Mozilla Firefox and Internet Explorer. But the very first and popular web browser was known to be Mosiac which started its services in the year 1993 and was a major part of internet till 1997.

 The Internet has gained about 5 million users in just 5 years. It took 13 years for TV to gather these many users.

There are over 1 billion internet users today which is about 20% of the world’s population.

An average surfing session lasts about only 51 minutes.

Sweden has the most number of internet users across the world with about 75% of the population using it.

The satellite-based internet availability has made it possible to access the internet all over the world. Still there are certain countries like North Korea and China who are denied access by the government.

It is estimated that people who use social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter are likely to spend their 10% of a lifetime on it.

Asia is a continent with the largest number of internet users.

19% married couple meets online, making it a suitable marriage bureau.

Conclusion

I hope you enjoyed reading this blog and learned something about the internet and how to be safe with it. Remember the information about online scams and social media so you can stay safe on the web! Thanks for reading, and good luck out there on the web!!

[tinamaetales]

2017 K Drama Journey

It was that one night, while scrolling through my facebook feed that I came across this short clip from Doctors wherein Park Shin Hye is beating up the gangsters in the ER. I got curious so I decided to find a copy of it and try watching a K Drama. I thought, why not give it a try? It was during those times that I was recovering from my PUD and I just resigned from my job and I really want to watch a good tv series and K Dramas are really popular nowadays so I decided to give it a try and, I wasn’t disappointed. K Dramas, as cliché as it may sound, changed my life. Every show I’ve watched was a roller coaster ride of emotions. In addition, they taught me lessons I never expected in the first place.

I would just like to share with you a “summarized” version of my views about the kdramas I’ve watched in 2017 (cause ya know, I’ve already posted my individual reflections about them here)

Doctor Stranger

My rating: 7/10

Starring: Lee Jong Suk, Park Hae Jin, Kang So Ra and Jin Se Yeon

This is an interesting drama to watch because it doesn’t only focuses on the romance aspect but also divulge into the topic of politics and medicine. The best part? The competition between Park Hoon and Han Jae Joon for it served as an avenue for their growth both as doctors and as a person. However, I felt like the romance part in here is a bit forced; I’m sorry but the main couple has zero chemistry.

My fave quote: “…the doctor’s gown you wear? That’s sufficient enough for people to put their lives in your hands. Let’s not disappoint them”

My fave OSTs:

Like Tomorrow Won’t Come by G/O

A Good Day Like This by Jeon Hye Won

More of my reflection:

https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/158622149566/strangers

https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/159863753466/who-is-the-real-stranger

Goblin

 My rating: 10/10

Starring: Gong Yoo, Kim Go Eun, Lee Dong Wook, Yoo In Na and Yook SuengJae

The best K drama ever. It’s perfect. That’s all. This K drama will make you value life more and will show you that death isn’t something we should be afraid of – it’s a part of our journey on Earth, an end to a life once lived and it will only be regrettable if you didn’t live your life right. Anyway, this is a story about a Goblin who lives for more than 900 years and is searching for the Goblin’s Bride that will pull out the sword from his chest to end his immortality is surely something that would catch your attention. Let’s also add that he has an amnesiac Grim Reaper for a best friend (lol) and a spoiled brat ‘nephew’ who is so in love with his credit card. What will make you get hooked in this drama? It’s how every character are related to each other both in beautiful and painful ways; yes, even that gorgeous chicken store owner has a very important role. The part that broke my heart in this drama is the realization that the key to ending the Goblin’s immortality has become his reason to stay alive. It’s ironic how someone who has the ability to end you is also the only reason for you to keep going. Ang sakit bes.  It was a perfect mix of romance, comedy and drama.

My fave quotes:

“Every life is touched by a deity at least once. Just when you’re drifting away from the world, if someone nudges you back in the right direction, that’d be when the deity chooses to visit you”

“If god really only gives one as many struggles as one can handle, he may have thought too highly of me”

“The ones left behind should live even harder. We might cry from time to time but we should smile a lot and cheer up. You are obligated to do that in return for the love you received”

“Every human dies at some point, that’s why life is even more beautiful………If today is my last day, this will be my final memory of the person I love so I’d better live hard and love”

“How could you tell me to remember only the happy memories but to forget you? That makes no sense because every moment I spent with you was a happy one even though each and every moment was also sad and difficult. So, did my dying to protect you become your happy ending?”

“I will come as the rainfall. I will come as the first snowfall. I will beg the divinity to do just that”

“Every moment I spent with you shined. Because the weather was good. Because the weather was bad. Because the weather was good enough”

My fave OSTs: (all of them actually, lol)

Beautiful by Crush

Stay With Me by Punch ft. Chanyeol (EXO)

I will go to you like the first snow by Ailee

Hush by Lassie Lindh

I miss you by Soyou

And I’m Here by Kim Kyung Hee

You are so beautiful by Eddy Kim

Heaven by Roy Kim

Round and Round by Heize

More of my reflection:

https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/160115970831/souls

https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/161922642721/i-dont-wanna-live-forever-goblin-post-part-2

https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/175471572666/hes-always-listening-goblin-post-part-3 

W

 My rating: 8.5/10

Starring: Lee Jong Suk and Han Hyo Joo

One of the most interesting plots in the K drama land; it is a story about the lead character of a famous comic book series who developed “free will” that scared his creator so much to the point that he wanted to kill off his main character. Kang Chul’s (the comic book’s main character) creator is afraid of how he seem to be directing his own story so his solution is to kill him however due to an amazing twist of fate, the creator’s daughter (which happens to be a doctor) gets sucked inside the comic book world every time that Kang Chul is in danger in order for her to save him. This k drama knows no chill by the way, it will keep you on the edge of your seat every episode. It’s intense and sometimes stressful to watch but you will love every moment of it anyway.

My fave quotes:

“But in last moment, he suddenly thought of one word: ‘Come-from-behind-victory’. Kang Chul decided to keep fighting until he found the true culprit – he wouldn’t be able to take back his own life. So he will find the culprit before he dies, no matter what.”

“The first purpose of the characters are to deliver the story. When the purpose is gone, the character disappears forever. On the contrary, when a character’s purpose becomes clear… then the character becomes one of the main characters by force”

 My fave OST:

Where are u by Jung Joon-young

Please say something, even though it is a lie by Park Bo Ram

More of my reflection: 

 https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/164668803281/hero

 https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/174726704651/kang-chuls-fight-is-my-fight-w-blog-post-part

Love in the moonlight

My rating: 9/10

Starring: Park Bo Gum, Kim Yoo Jung, Kwak Dong Yeon, Chae Soo Bin and Jinyoung (B1A4)

My first historical drama. It’s charming especially when you have Park Bo Gum as the Crown Prince and Kim Yoo Jung as the female lead, what more can you ask for? The romance side of this feels natural and would make you feel kilig everytime! You will love it to the moon and back. Moreover, the social issues it presented were still timely and relevant. It will make you realize that no matter how many years have passed and how different the government system has changed through the years, if those in position are motivated by their love of power instead of service to people then things would definitely won’t turn out well. This drama shows us that it is when the government listen to its people that it can be effective. The officials should not create higher gates and longer barriers between them and its people but instead open its doors and close the distance after all, without its people the government is nothing.

My fave quotes:

“I wish you would be a king with good eyes because if you’re too high up, you tend not to see people below you. I wish you have good ears – you must not listen only to those who yell before you… Please protect every single person for they’re all your people. Will you promise me to become a King like that?” 

“Rather than a sun that shines alone, he’s a ruler who shines brightly when among his people, like the moonlight—I believe the king is that kind of person.”

 “The highs and lows between me and my people, the distance between me and you—I hope that you will understand my wish to be one step closer.”

My fave OSTs:

Moonlight Drawn by Clouds by Gummy

Melting Heart by K. Will

My Person by Park Bo Gum

I think I’m done sleeping by Soyou ft. Yoo Seungwoo

More of my reflection:

 https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/165394639616/the-rebel-prince

Legend of the blue sea

 My rating: 7/10

One of the most hyped K drama of 2016 and even though it fell short on its promising story line, I still get to enjoy watching this. It’s interesting to watch a love story between a mermaid and a human especially when it also included the theme of reincarnation. This drama also shows us the value of second chances – it is an opportunity for us to change the course of our fate but it will be our choice…it’s up to us if we want to be better.

Starring: Lee Min Ho, Jun Ji Hyun, Shin Won Ho, Lee Hee Joon and Shin Hye Sun

My fave quotes:

“If someone is reborn, might it be because they have an unrealized dream? That dream could be an unfulfilled love, or it could even be unsatisfied greed.”

“The fact that everything is repeating isn’t a curse, but an opportunity—to change the ending.”

“But when I make friends with someone, that’s it for me. Whether you backstab or not, that’s your choice. I’ll think about what I’ll do if you do backstab me. Until then, you’re my friend.”

“Rather than being unable to love my daughter because I can’t remember her, it’s better to live remembering her, even if it’s painful.”

My fave OSTs:

Love Story by Lyn

A World that is You by Yoon Mirae

More of my reflection:

 https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/168356428401/when-history-repeats-itself

 Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo

My rating: 8.5/10

If I could only describe this K Drama in one word, it would be charming. The plot is light yet relatable. Easy to watch yet filled with great life lessons too. It will actually remind us of our younger years – the silly crushes, the dreamers in us and the unforgettable friendships we gained. What I like the most about it is the simplicity of its plot yet it will touch your heart.

Starring: Lee Sung Kyung and Nam Joo Hyuk

My fave quotes:

“No matter how high the mountain is, it will not be as grand as your dreams. This is nothing hard! We get back up no matter how harshly we’re trampled upon”

“I hope you will confront that matters (resentment towards your mother and your complicated emotions towards your uncle’s family) squarely. Those emotions such as gratitude, guilt or tiredness from pretending you don’t know the truth.. should burst out at least once. Only then you will be completely free from the trauma you are having” 

“Everyone has a youth. A time that’s more beautiful because it’s awkward and clumsy, a time that shines brilliantly. A time when you’re not afraid of anything because you have nothing to lose, and a time when you’re excited because you can have anything, everything. That’s now, age 24, my youth. Although I’m still uneasy and nervous, I’m perfect without needing anything else.”

My fave OSTs:

You and I by Kim Jong Wan

Dreaming by Han Hee

More of my reflection:

 https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/168888275251/swag

Cheese in the trap

My rating: 6/10

If you’re looking for a realistic yet harsh approach towards depicting our society in general, then this k drama is a must watch for you. It shows how the real world sucks. It has its charming side too though, especially the love triangle between Yoo Jung, Hong Seol and Baek In Ho and it will sometimes make you feel that both guys are deserving…actually erase that…all of them are deserving of love especially after all the struggles and challenges they’ve went through at such a young age. This drama started out strong but the ending felt a bit empty.  

Starring: Park Hae Jin, Kim Go Eun, Lee Sung Kyung, Seo Kang Joon and Nam Joo Hyuk

My fave quotes:

“Once you start working, you’ll realize you’re no longer the center of the universe, you realize there’re many people who are better & scarier than you and you need to accept that you cannot control everything.”

“People who play victim will always end up like that, losing what they have as they attempt to gain what isn’t theirs” 

“Why is it that people always want what belongs to other people? Then they delude themselves thinking other people’s things are theirs when in the end they lose what’s their own.”

“There are ups and downs in relationship but maintaining longevity is hard”

“No matter how rock bottom you are, you shouldn’t bring harm to people who care about you”

“Don’t put up walls and look down on people because among those people, there are some who sincerely wanted to be friends with you”

 My fave OSTs:

My Time with you by Vanilla Acoustic

Einfuhlung by Tearliner

Just a little by Sweden Laundry

Maybe I like you by Cosmos Hippie

More of my reflection:

 https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/168925207681/trapped

Descendants of the Sun

My rating: 9.5/10

One of the best k dramas ever! I swear! It tells a great story of love, service and sacrifice. It is a great combination of romance, action, thrill, and philosophy.  The best thing about this is how it executed the differing principles of the way doctors and soldiers save lives. It shows us how we can find ourselves through the service of others.  

Starring: Song Joong Ki, Song Hye Kyo, and Kim Ji Won

My fave quotes:

“Soldiers always live with a shroud on. When they die in a nameless land for the sake of their country, the place of their death become their grave and their uniform become their shroud. This should be every soldier’s mindset every time they put down their uniform. Therefore, be honorable at every moment – there’s no reason to fall short” 

“I’ve been given the privilege to be a doctor, I faithfully pledge my life to serve humanity. The health and life of my patient will always be my priority. I will faithfully carry out my duties regardless of the patient’s race, religion or nationality. I will not use my knowledge inhumanely even when I’m under threat. I hereby take this oath on my account and on behalf of my honour”

 My fave OSTs:

Everytime by Chen of EXO ft. Punch

Always by Yoon Mirae

You are my Everything by Gummy

More of my reflection:

 https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/169657649021/sacrifices

Hwarang

My rating: 7.5/10

I once described this drama as oppa overload because it was really filled with handsome oppa! Anyway, this is a great drama to show how the youth, despite them being young, can become the nation’s future. It is when we guide the young people rightly that we can secure a good future. It also shows us how much we needed to be united for our country’s sake because we can do so much better if we work with each other instead of against each other. This is a story of growth and brotherhood. A must watch, for sure.

Starring: Go Ara, Park Seo Joon, Park Hyung Sik, Choi Min Ho (SHINee), Do Ji Han, Kim Tae Hyung (BTS),  and Jo Yoon Woo

My fave quotes:

“It’s only those who possess a lot who fear. If you don’t have anything, you don’t fear anything.”

“Only when they (Hwarang) were able to think and live freely that they can dream of a future for Silla”

“Don’t be silenced by an order created by another. You are not a horse on a chess board. You are Hwarang who are freer than anyone else in this world. The fact that you are Hwarang, never forget that”

“Being young and weak is not a sin.”

My fave OSTs:

Even if I die by V and Jin from BTS

Our Tears by Park Seo Joon

I’ll be here by Park Hyung Sik

More of my reflection:

https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/170972988531/change-starts-with-us

Doctors

My rating: 8.5/10

Starring: Park Shin Hye, Kim Rae Won, Lee Sung Kyung and Yoon Kyun Sang

This K drama will always have a special place in my heart because of how much I love and can relate with its heroine. The focus of this is the life of a great neurosurgeon Dr. Yoo Hye Jung – her ups and downs and how she manage to come out of all the challenges thrown at her stronger than ever. Her life story is really inspirational.

My fave quotes:

“The cells that make up a human are always in a state of instability. To live is to be unstable. In the end, the essence of life is change.”

“Unresolved pasts will always come back to find you whether it’s love or resentment”

“People say that forgiveness is not for others but for yourself. They shouldn’t say such things. Forgiveness isn’t as light as it sounds.”

“When doctors become guardians, they too are merely impotent humans.”

“A genuine meeting can change a person. The person I am with right now could change my life. That’s why a person can be both hope and despair”

 “I had once dreamt of revenge — killing everyone and myself. But there is such a thing as karmic justice, and at the center of that is not me, but the world.”

My fave OSTs:

No Way by Park Yongin  and Kwon Soonil of Urban Zakapa

It’s Love by Jung Yup

Sunflower by Younha

That’s the way it is by Se O

More of my reflection:

 https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/post/173628552981/what-doesnt-kill-you-makes-you-stronger

It was one heck of a roller coaster ride, right? I think it’s safe to say that my 2017 k drama journey was lit af! Now I’m looking forward for more!

 X,

TinaMae

[tellywoodtrash]

status update:

So, I got a few friendly, good-natured asks on how I was doing, and what’s up with my life (work, Chandler, etc.), so I suppose this is as good a time to tell everyone: I quit my job earlier this week.

Early followers of the blog may be aware that this blog started as an attempt to find some kinda peace during some very trying times in my life. Since then, I’ve been burning the candle at both ends (I guess, in some kinda misguided attempt to move on with life) and... it’s finally caught up with me. I’m fucking exhausted and at a breaking point. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. ('Spiritually. Ecumenically. Grammatically.' Name that movie!) And so, I'm giving myself a break and am going to be taking some time off to focus on my mental health.

However, this hasn’t been an easy decision to make, as it means bye-bye financial independence and my ~~riproaring Sex And The City life (snort, NOT) and that I will now have to pack up my entire life and leave the country I (and Chandler!) call home. So the next few days will be even rougher; full of transition and second-guessing myself. But in the long run, I think I need to do this now before things get much worse.

Poor Chandler has no idea what’s coming up; that he’s about to be unceremoniously stuffed into a box and flown many thousand miles to a whole new country, with strange new smells and creatures (including my relatives who will want to come around every now and then and friendly-ly harass our socially anxious butts.) I just hope we both survive this move!

As for what it means for the blog, it’ll mostly be business as usual, I suppose. I will have more free time, but it’s going to be invested in moving, and settling in, and recovery (first I have to recover from the moving and settling in, and only then can I focus on *actual* recovery) so... I’ll do as much as I can. Yes, there's lots of new shows, most of them better than IB, and I might wanna watch them too, but.... idk, I don't seem to have it in me right now to get invested in a whole... new.... thing. We'll see once I'm properly settled into a restful routine where I don't feel so battered in the brain. On the plus side, moving to India means proper access to Hotstar and Sony Liv and alllllllll the platforms; I won’t have to jump through hoops and diddle around with VPNs to access what I wanna watch! Yaaaaaaay!

There are a few things blog-wise that I just have to address though, because they’re srsly stressing me out a lot lately:

Messages asking me to explain WHY stakeholders in the industry (actors, makers, the channel) make the decisions they do. Bhai main kahan un sab ke ghar ya boardroom mein ghussi baithi hoon, ki mujhe pakka pata hoga???? All I can do is speculate like the rest of you. Which is what I do. I look at the facts that I do have (social media posts, TRP reports, etc.) and put out MY theory. But it’s all it is. A theory. I do not have any kind of information that you also do not have access to. Asking me to explain the inner workings of complete strangers' minds is just nonsensical. I do not have the complete information based on which I can give you an accurate answer. So please just stop asking me these. At this point, idek why *I* do half the things I do, let alone have any surety of anyone else’s decisions.

Complaints. Look, all of us have complaints about the shitshow that is IB, and the Tellywood industry at large, and its affairs both off-screen and on-screen. But just think of my plight when news breaks/an episode airs and I get like 10 anons in an hour, most of which are filled with cribbing. OVER SOMETHING I DON’T HAVE ANY CONTROL. You have all the right to complain, sure, but not IN MY INBOX. I only publish about 30 - 40% of the asks that I actually do receive, and because of that you may think that you’re the only person sending in this to me; but trust that more often that not, you’re not. I most probably have already received least 5 messages about it, in varying degrees of negative, and it’s exhaaaaaausting for me to wade through it all.

"Asks” that are just STATEMENTS, with no real question to them. I get these and whether I agree with your statement or not, my only reaction is “.... haan, toh???” What really is the point of these? I have nothing to contribute to them. It’s just YOU deciding that your opinion is sooooooo important that you must come tell ME it. In my inbox. On anon. Which is not just stupid, but also RUDE af. What you're doing is the equivalent of going and ringing the doorbell of a stranger's house and monologuing in their face about a random topic when they open the door. Like, I literally did not ask?????? Especially since you’re on anon and I have absolutely no personal equation with you. By having an open inbox, I didn't consent to being the receptacle of every opinion wrt Tellywood under the sun. Like, the whole point of this blog is so I can shout MY dumbass opinions into the void that is the internet without bothering anyone else about things they might not care about/agree with. Anyone who follows/engages with me is here by THEIR choice. Why don’t you do the same? Go make your own blog, instead of using mine. There’s only place for one person here on this blog, and that’s me. Please read your messages before sending them and ask yourselves: Does my tone/content leave anything open for discussion? (FYI: Just putting a question mark at the end of a sentence does not make an engaging question that opens up a discussion.) What contribution am I inviting from the recipient with this message? If the answer is “no”/"nothing", then please don't send it.

The rise of combative and contrary asks; ones that don't come out of a genuine curiosity, but with the intent to mindlessly argue, talk in circles without a point and overall, and just belittle the opinions I’ve expressed by engaging in whataboutery. There's a point at which "healthy discussion" ends, and "debating" starts, and I’m not here to engage in Debate Hour. The open askbox (or replies function) is NOT an invitation to pick at ONE sentence of some post (often missing the context; those other sentences are there for a reason y'know) and demand explanations from me, for which I have to then bend over backwards to clarify to some random faceless person on the internet. Not only does it take tremendous amounts of time and energy (for what is largely a pointless endevour: these people aren't really here to have an exchange of ideas or even try to see my point of view, they're just trying to force THEIR contrary opinion ON me), it really sucks the joy out of the blog for me. Look, I am not an idiot. I can correlate writing patterns and associate them with previously seen comments/opinions and make educated guesses on who these may be coming from. I've been holding off on blocking anyone yet, but these comments and asks have me seriously considering it. (And FYI: blocking an anon blocks you via IP address. So don't think ki 'oh ho ho, I can just hide under the anon function, coz that has no consequences.' All you'd be doing is proving my guesses right, as to who is whom.) I don't WANT TO go to such extents, and want this still to be a place where people can approach me, but this gross disrespect of my time and boundaries is beginning to wear on me now. Before coming at me, please think to yourself if what you're saying is actually necessary. If it's just a passive-aggressive counter-argument to my opinion that's all conjecture/opinion (i. e. things without factual basis and based on feelings) then please; you're very welcome to whatever you believe, but I don't care. If I wanted your opinion, I’d ask for it. If I care for your opinion, I will engage with your posts (by liking or commenting or reblogging or sending you my love in your inbox.) I just really really don’t care what anyone's opinion ON MY OPINION is. Please stop being contrary just the sake of it and ruining my day and mood. Go chronicle your opinions on your blog/twitter/whatever, instead of using MY blog as a platform and arm-twisting me into participating in this unpleasant exchange. I just don't have have the energy or interest to engage in this fuckery anymore.

Look you guys, I love getting stuff in the askbox. I do. If I didn’t, I’d just have closed the askbox and called it a day. I’m just asking that you be a little THOUGHTFUL about the recipient, me, AS AN ACTUAL LIVING PERSON WITH FEELINGS AND A LIMITED AMOUNT OF ENERGY AND TIME, instead of some kinda faceless robot who just processes your messages in binary and spits out an answer. Before engaging, please re-read your message to consider your tone and content and the impact on the person on the other end. Despite this request, if you just decide to engage in the above mentioned ways, I’m sorry in advance if you end up getting blocked; but things have reached a point where I have to look out for myself, and my comfort, and what I want from this space. I would like this blog to be source of joy in my (and others’!) life, not something that I feel resentful about, or as a source of draining what little energy I have left.

Sooooooo, that’s how it is! Things should be the same around here barring some periods of inactivity occasionally due to moving/spotty internet (but the queue should be running anyway.) A lot less negativity and gloom, hopefully! Wish me (and Chandler!!!!!) luck and please send us all your good, restful, soft and fluffy vibes!

(The restful slumber of a poor fluffy bastard who has NOOOOOOOOO idea of what the next few weeks have in store for him.)

[there-for-him]

Jikook: Skinship, Subtlety and Fanservice

Hello, it’s Charlie here! I have decided to start sharing my thoughts on Jikook and the nature of their relationship. Before I begin I’d like to point out that 1. I do not know the boys personally so what I’m doing is speculating and not stating facts, 2. I do not claim that I know everything and what I say is gospel, 3. Everyone is free to drop into my ask if they want to discuss or even debate on what I’m saying, I’d just like to ask people to stay civil. I would also like to tag the lovely @noransaekk, whose blog inspired me to start my own.

Now, onto the topic at hand, skinship. As someone who also comes from a country where m|m skinship is a regular thing, I am aware that in of itself it does not prove anything other than a strong bond. What I’d like to talk about is the difference between platonic and non-platonic skinship and how to easily recognize it.

Firstly, platonic skinship. The closer the people are, the more boundaries are disregarded. It is pretty common for close friends who are comfortable around each other to hug, hold hands, give cheek kisses, sit in each other’s laps and even shamelessly flirt and grope each other. In fact, the more platonic they are, the more skinship there is between them. The thing with skinship is, it is all about the intentions behind it and not the actions themselves. When you love someone, it’s natural for you to want to express your affection in one way or another. Some people prefer a more casual approach but when it comes to close friendships, skinship is usually the most common route people take.

On the other hand, there are some sorts of skinship that are typically off limits in purely platonic relationships. Those are usually the ones who carry with themselves an air of intimacy. Funnily enough, this kind of skinship is a lot more subtle than the other kind. The platonic type of display of affection is usually loud, soma might even call it obnoxious. It usually comes hand in hand with laughter and a sort of need to demonstrate your feelings. Because, the thing is, if the love between those hypothetical people we are talking about is simply platonic, there is no reason for it to be quiet. But when it comes to non-platonic affection, unless we’re talking about those annoying ass couples who feel the need to stick their tongues down each other’s throats in the middle of the fucking street (sorry for getting bitter I just really hate those types of couples), it is usually something people prefer to keep private at least to some extent. One reason could be that they have a crush on the other person and we all know that hiding your crush becomes your number one priority in those situations because we’re all cowards and fear ridicule and rejection, another reason would be that they are already in a relationship. It’s interesting to note that the intent for such skinship to be subtle has made it the loudest one out there. It reeks of tension. If it can be seen, no matter how small it is, it can be recognized for what it expresses.

Often enough there are direct parallels between platonic and non-platonic skinship. A simple example would be petting – caressing. Petting your friend’s head when they do something cute or say something adorably stupid is, at least from my personal experience, common. But slowly and subtlely caressing the other’s waist or hand or running your hand down their back or holding onto them for a brief moment just to show that you are in fact there, on the other hand, isn’t a thing friends do. A friend might hold and squeeze your hand and hug you from the middle or pat your back but, as I mentioned earlier, platonic skinship isn’t something that is barely noticeable, barely there, just enough to make you hyper aware of it. Here is an example of that exact type of subtlety that raises eyebrows all around:

Let me use this as a smooth transition onto the main reason I am writing all of this: JK and JM. Now, for this, it is something I have noticed recently but there is a possibility that I have simply missed out on some things, so if I have, please let me know. What I have noticed is that, compared to the past, there has been a noticeable decrease in platonic skinship and a high increase of the subtle affection I just talked about. It’s become blatantly obvious that they really cannot keep their hands to themselves  and yet, there have been siginificantly less of JK’s infamous back hugs:

or the hugs JM loves to give anyone and everyone. Which also happens to make the few ones even sweeter

In my opinion, there is a very obvious reason behind this. The platonic affection I talked about is affection that at first glance is also associated with couples. The difference is that when the people displaying it are, in fact, just friends, there isn’t a voice in the back of their head constantly reminding them that some people may assume they are dating. Even if they aware of that possibility, which, 9 times out of 10 , they are because people always tend to assume skinship equals romance before they get to know the dynamic between the subjects, if they are certain that they are not dating, they most likely do not care what strangers might think when passing by them. The thing with couples, though, especially if they are not out to the public, is that they become hyper aware of those assumptions. When a couple is trying to hide their relationship they aren’t going to go around hugging and holding hands and kissing each other on the cheeks. Because, the thing is, even if the action is in of itself the exact same, you can always see the difference between two friends holding hands and a couple holding hands. To me, it seems that this is exactly what KM are doing.

It is definitely odd how they have been showing us just how close they are while toning down the skinship to the type of subtle affection that they show without even realizing. If you look at them and them only, you could assume that they are simply maturing into less physically affectionate people but just a brief look at their interactions with the other members immediately debunks that theory.

Here I would also like to bring fanservice up, because with the decrease of blatant skinship there has also been a decrease of blatant fanservice. One thing I have noticed is that when it comes to KM, BH are using a completely new approach with it (*cough* rainbow unicorn photoshoot *cough*) as a way to shift the fans’ interpretations in a slightly different direction but this is something I might talk about in a separate post since I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Anyways, moving on, there are two evident reasons for the lack of both in the past few months and these two reasons are, interestingly enough, JK and JM themselves. JK, on the one hand, has most likely been told directly to tone it down because the poor bunny is honest to a fault. Like, for example, we have this infamous fanservice moment:

It is obvious that from JM’s POV it really is merely fanservice but what caught everyone’s attention is Bun’s reaction to it. It was the type of fs that only the active party knows of beforehand. JK did not expect it to happen. And the poor whipped soul closed his eyes and smiled like he was just handed the sun or something. How can you play up fs when his reactions put the ones of the fans to shame. He’s just too obvious for that. Chiminie, on the other hand, is a literal enigma. He is equal parts private and expressive, which is why he is still less subtle than JK and yet also less obvious. In my opinion, the reason he has also to an extent toned his displays of affection down, is because of other people’s response to it. We all know the whole “JK hates JM”, “JM is always the one showing all the affection” bullshit agenda a lot of people have taken as their personal duty to spread around like propaganda. The whole group is aware of it. I think Chim has toned himself down so people will stop assuming everything is one sided. It’s kind of like he is saying “Well if you can’t appreciate my love for him then fuck you, it’s not meant to be for your eyes anyways”. All in all, what I’m trying to say with this long, long, long post is that the argument “skinship is normal in Korea, why can’t two guys be affectionate without everyone assuming they are gay” is both true but also missing the point of the particular relationship we have in front of us.

[bad-exo-imagines]

The Best of Both Worlds

The Daily Lives of a High School Koreaboo  - part 1

Background: I wrote a joke fic for my friend for her birthday and it got out of control. Then i thought, it’d be perfect for this blog. I had to change a few things to make it a more universal fic, so the main character is “you”. Just like any other classis self-insert fic Y/N means your name. 

Fandoms: ho boy... alright i don’t want all the kpop tags so here’s the main bands  exo, shinee, Vixx, btob, 24k and bts. It takes a while for all the bands to show up but i promise those six are all in there There’s so, so many more but those are the most common ones. This is basically idol high school okay. There’s so many idols. 

Disclaimer:  its meant to be bad/funny so you don’t need to point out and typos or plot holes, I already know. Also, people will be out of character at times. This is meant to be bad/funny, just like all the content on this blog. It’s not My Immortal bad, it’s written like a 14 year old who thinks they’re the best writer, but they’re really not. If you guys think it’s funny too, cool. if not, whatever i’m still posting it  -Admin RDB

The young student sat on a park bench, engrossed in the latest novel they purchased. They had been sitting there all day, absorbing every sentence, eyes never leaving their book. A brunette haired boy stood in the shade, leaning against a tree, watching the person from a safe distance away. A soft smile sat his face as the student’s eyes scanned the page. They were nearly done with their book now as the sun started to get low in the sky. The sun behind them created a halo effect that made the brunette smile even wider at how beautiful the stranger looked. A smaller guy came bouncing up to the brunette.

“V! I’ve been looking for you! Is your phone dead?” The orange haired boy asked, snapping the taller one back into reality. “Huh? O-oh, hi Jimin. Sorry I-” “Who’re they?” Jimin interrupted nodding his head in the direction of the person on the bench. “I don’t know” V admitted sheepishly, shoving his hands in his sweatpants pockets. “Oh, I assumed since you’ve been staring at them for a while you’d at least know ‘em!” The older one let out a laugh and playfully smacked the taller one’s back. “Wait here.” “What? Hyung no no no! What are you doing? Please stop!” V tried to grab Jimin’s arm desperately to hold him back but the smaller one was determined. V let go and watched the orange haired one walk over to the student. V hid behind the tree in embarrassment, why was Jimin always doing this? “Hello~! I’m Park Jimin!” The orange haired boy smiled widely and waved at the student. The student looked away from their book for the first time since they bought it. They looked up at the bubbly boy in front of them who started rocking slightly on his feet. They cleared their throat before speaking “Uh, hi? I’m Y/N.” They looked back to their book, trying to make it clear they didn’t want to talk. “Whatcha you reading about?” The boy asked sitting down next to them Y/N looked at the shorter slightly annoyed. “It starts off as this normal dumb high school romance novel, but then the main character then gets involved with this war between supernatural beings. Eventually it just becomes a big dramatic mess who even knows what’s happening anymore. I described it really badly but I swear it’s good and funny.”

Jimin leaned forward laughing. “Sounds interesting! Oh, wait, but it’s in English… I was gonna ask if you’d recommend it but...,” the orangette said pointing at the page. “Hey, if you don’t mind me asking, what are you doing in Korea anyway?” “Oh, I’m an exchange student.” Y/N said tucking their hair behind their ear. “Really? Where are you going?”

“Incheon Nonhyeon High School, it’s my senior year” “Oh we go to the same school!! You’re older than me, I’m a junior. My friend V is a sophomore. I have a few senior friends like Namjoon-hyung, Hoseok-hyung and Minhyuk-hyung! Maybe you’ll befriend them” Jimin announced excitedly, jumping up and bouncing in front of Y/N. “Minhyuk? Which Minhyuk?” Y/N asked curiously, slipping their bookmark into their book and placing it down. “Lee Minhyuk!” “About 1.7m, black hair, mouth shaped like this,” the student took their fingers and pushed the corners of their mouth upwards like a cat, “really athletic, super clumsy?” “Wooaah, do you know him?” Jimin asked surprised “No I’m just great at guessing,” Y/N said sarcastically rolling their eyes “Yes I know him. He’s a part of my host family, I’m living with him for a year.” “Really? Looks like we’re gonna be seeing each other a lot cause I go over his house a lot with V!” Y/N raised a eyebrow at that “Who’s this V guy?” “My best friend! He’s over there somewhere,” the smaller one pointed over to the tree they were standing at earlier. “Actually, I should probably go back to him. Bye~ see you later Y/N!”

V who was still slumped against the backside of the tree looked up from his phone to see Jimin standing above him smiling widely. “Oh god.” “THEY’RE NAME’S Y/N, THEY’RE A SENIOR, THEY’RE AN EXCHANGE STUDENT, THEY’RE LIVING WITH MINHYUK AND THEY’RE READING A WEIRD HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA BOOK.” Jimin shouted with excitement, proud of his findings. “Hyung keep your voice down!!” V whispered angrily, grabbing Jimin’s arm and pulling him down to sit next to him on the ground. “Wait, did you say… they’re living with Minhyuk-hyung?” “Yeah! For a whole year! The Lee family is her host family while they’re in Korea” the older one explained. V smiled without realizing it “And they’re name’s Y/N right?” “Yeah, aren’t you listening!?” The taller one looked over to the bench to see the student reading their book again, mentally repeating the name. V marveled at the way the setting sun made Y/N glow, making them look as if they was an angel, sent just for him to look at. They wore a black v-neck shirt, a white long sleeve jacket, and red jeans. They crossed their legs and started to bounce their foot in the air mindlessly, bringing attention to their black high top converse. He smile flattened when he saw another man walk up to them. “Oh, it’s Minhyuk! MINHYUK-HYUNG~!” Jimin cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted.

V reached over to cover Jimin’s mouth, but it was too late. The two were looking over at the younger boys now. Minhyuk smiled at his dongsaengs and started walking over to them, the foreigner following suit. The youngest groaned and let go of Jimin’s face. V felt his face heat up as he noticed Y/N walking over too, face changing a few shades. Jimin smiled widely and jumped up to hug Minhyuk.

“Hey Jimin!” Minhyuk said bear hugging the smallest of the four before turning to the one still on the ground “Hi V” V reluctantly stood  up and waved, but Minhyuk pulled him into a tight hug too. V hesitated for a moment before hugging him back. “Guys this is Y-” “Y/N! They’re living with you right? I was talking to them just now!” Jimin interrupted looping his arms around the older two, Y/N tensed at the sudden contact from the energetic stranger. “Ah, Jimin~, always so charismatic,”  Minhyuk commented, hiding the fact that he was a little creeped out that Jimin already knew them. “We we’re just gonna head back to my house since it’s getting kind of late.” “OH! I’M STAYING OVER V’S TONIGHT, WE CAN WALK WITH YOU!!” Jimin exclaimed grabbing Minhyuk’s hands and bring them to his chest. Minhyuk chuckled at Jimin’s constant excited nature. V put his hand on the orange haired boy’s shoulder and pulled him out of Minhyuk’s face. Minhyuk turned to the foreigner who had stayed pretty silent since they came over. “You wanna get anything before we go? Want about ice cream from the vender over there?” Y/N shook their head and put their book away into their bag, V noticing it complemented the color of their eyes well.  Minhyuk turned and asked the others the same question, Jimin basically running to the ice cream stand when Minhyuk said he was paying, grabbing Y/N’s hand in the process, dragging them along. “I thought I was the maknae here,” V said under his breath. Minhyuk put his arm around the raven haired boy’s shoulder and walked over to the other two, hand dipping into his pocket to pull out his black leather wallet. Minhyuk paid for everyone, making Y/N get some too. Jimin ordered a large bubblegum with rainbow sprinkles in a sugarcone. Y/N ordered mocha with oreo and cookie dough in a waffle cone. Minhyuk ordered a medium cookies and cream in a bowl with hot fudge and marshmallows. V got a small plain vanilla in a sugar cone. “V you’re so lame!” Jimin said licking the ice cream that started to drip down his cone. “Shut up, you’re always freeloading off Minhyuk-hyung. Look you got the biggest size out of all of us!” V said gently shoving the orange haired boy. Minhyuk smirked as he took another bite of his ice cream, enjoying watching the two playfully bicker. The sun had set as they started to leave the park, the kids walking home on back roads, taking up half the roads walking side by side. Y/N watched, unsure whether they were annoyed or amused by the boys antics. They went to push up their glasses but their hands were sticky from the melting ice cream. Minhyuk noticed the foreigner struggling and laughed. “Here, let me help you.” Minhyuk said pushing up their glasses for their, since he was using a spoon his hands remained clean. V nearly choked on his ice cream when he saw Minhyuk stubbly flirting with the foreigner.  Jimin smirked at how jealous the taller got over such a simple gesture. The orange haired one elbowed V and gave him a cheeky grin. The younger shoved Jimin a little harder than before making the latter stumbled a little. Minhyuk turned to see V shoving the smallest. “Guys don’t fight.” He said seriously, swatting his hand at V. “Sorry hyung.” The brunette boy grumbled. Jimin smiled at his dongsaeng knowingly, and walked around him and Minhyuk to Y/N. He wrapped his arm around them and walked up in front of the others. He leaned in close to Y/N and talked in a hushed voice so the brown haired duo couldn’t hear. He looked back at V over his shoulder smirking and gave him a thumbs up.  Minhyuk turned to the younger with a confused expression, but V was just as confused. “Since when did Jimin have an interest in foreigners?” V whispered to the tanner man, trying not to sound jealous. “Should we tell Jungkook?” Minhyuk joked back

V chuckled, taking a bite of his ice cream cone. Minhyuk grabbed the younger’s hand and brought the cone to his mouth, taking a bite too.

“Dude why didn’t you just get your own cone?” “I like using a spoon.” Minhyuk said letting go over V’s hand. “Aye! Jimin! Y/N’s going to my house not V’s!” Jimin stopped and looked back to see Minhyuk stopped walking. He looked around and realized they were in front of the Lee household. “Oh,” Jimin laughed, “I didn’t notice where we were.” Jimin let go of the foreigner and put his hands hands in his pocket. “Oh my god, did you already finish all that ice cream?” Minhyuk questioned in disbelief. “Please don’t throw up on my bed.” V groaned. They exchanged goodbyes and the elders went into Minhyuk’s house while V and Jimin went to V’s house next door. Y/N and Minhyuk bowed at the maid that came to greet them. They slipped into their slippers and headed to the entertainment room.

“I’m sorry that Jimin is so touchy and energetic. I would have warned you if I knew we’d run into them,” Minhyuk said rubbing the back of his neck.

Y/N waved their hand “No worries, I’ve had weirder friends. Jimin was fine, really friendly.”

The ebony haired boy hummed and sat down on the red couch, grabbing the remote to turn on the tv. Y/N pulled out their book and sat next to their friend. They sat like that for a while, comfortably enjoying each other’s company as they did their own thing. Y/N had been living with the Lee family for 2 weeks now, the two sticking together like glue. Y/N turned the last page of the book and frowned as they read the last sentence. They let out a small sigh and closed the book, placing it on the coffee table in front of them. Minhyuk smiled over at them, “Was it good?” “The ending honestly felt a little rushed and unplanned. I still enjoyed the book though.” They got up and stretched lightly, “I’m heading to bed, goodnight.” “Goodnight.”

Meanwhile V had to use all of his strength not to smother Jimin with a pillow and kill him right then and there. The smaller had be ranting about his and Jungkook’s relationship for what felt like years. V rubbed his temples as Jimin said for the thousandth time he wasn’t sure if Jungkook was even gay. “Why would he be dating you if he wasn’t gay Hyung.” V was regretting ever inviting Jimin over. Had he even invited him over?

“I don’t know! That’s what I’m trying to figure out!” The orange haired one laid back dramatically on the bed, head landing on V’s lap. V sighed and started to play with Jimin’s locks “You’re over thinking this.” “I guess.” Jimin mumbled. “But what about you!” “What about me?” He stopped playing with the small boy’s hair for a second to grab his glass of water. “You’re totally head over heels for Minhyuk.” Jimin said smirking up at the brunette. V nearly spit out his drink from laughing “IS THAT WHAT YOUR STUPID THUMBS UP WAS ABOUT? YOU THINK I LIKE MINHYUK?” “It’s obvious! You got jealous when he started flirting with Y/N!” Jimin sat up and turned to look at V.

“Yeah, but not because I like Minhyuk-hyung! Oh my god you’re so dumb, it was because I’m interested in Y/N!” V said between laughs. Jimin sat there for a second before laying back down, “Oh.”

The younger rolled his eye, smile still on his face. His hand found it’s way back Jimin’s hair, mindlessly playing with the soft strands. “Your hair makes you look like a clementine.” Jimin laughed at the younger’s comment. He pulled out his phone, praying that he wouldn’t drop it making it smack him in the face. V watched the older, soft smile still on his face. Sometimes V forgot that Jimin was the hyung, not himself. Jimin was much smaller than him, and was always bouncing off the walls. Plus Jimin’s new hairstyle didn’t help, the bright color making him look even younger than he already does. The older one looked up at V with a confused look on his face.

“What are you staring at?” V took in a deep breath, looking around his room “Hyung it’s getting kinda late, shouldn’t you wash off your make up?” Jimin sat up and stretched his hands above his head. “Yeah but my eyeliner looks so good.”

V whacked the orange haired boy with a nearby pillow, “Last time you spent the night you didn’t wash off your make up and you stained on of my pillow cases.”

The older groaned and reluctantly got off the bed, making his way towards V’s bathroom. V yawned, tired from the fact that Jimin dragged him out of bed at dawn just to go to a park. He looked down at what he was wearing debating on if using the energy to change into new clothes would really be worth it. He was wearing a black loose t-shirt and light grey sweatpants so he shrugged and laid back on the bed, hoping that Jimin would be tired too and not ready to talk V’s ear off again “The thing I don’t get about Jungkook though,” Jimin said coming out of the bathroom. V groaned and put his pillow over his face, realizing he’s probably not going to get much sleep that night. “Hey! Listen to me!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Minhyuk looked up surprised when the maid announced she was going home for the night. He had been watching tv since him and Y/N got home, unaware of time flying by. The ebony haired boy checked his phone to see it was already 11 at night. He quickly turned of the tv and headed upstairs. A light coming from the slightly ajar door to Y/N’s room caught his attention. He peered into the room to see the foreigner sitting on their bed, absorbed into another book. Minhyuk laughed softly and walked to his room next door. He really didn’t expect Y/N to have been asleep at this hour.

Y/N blinked a couple of times, trying to focus on the book and not let their  mind wonder. They had read the same paragraph over and over because they were unable to pay attention. Sighing, they placed their bookmark in between the pages and closed the book, gently placing it on the nightstand. The student couldn’t stop thinking about the two weird guys they had met earlier.

The small, hyper, baby faced one named Jimin had acted so friendly with them it put them off a little. He acted like they knew each other for years, not minutes. They had a hard time believing he was going to be a junior this year and not a freshmen. Y/N wasn’t sure if they’d be able to deal with the orange haired boy for the next year. The other boy on the other hand barely even looked at her, making her feel as if they’d done something wrong. Running their hand through their blonde hair, they let out yet another frustrated sigh and turned off the bedside lamp.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jimin woke up before V, as expected, and whacked the younger in the face with a pillow to wake him up. V rolled over so his back was to Jimin, and instead of taking the hint that the taller didn’t want to be woken up, Jimin tackled him.

“Jimin I will actually kill you.” V stated calmly, voice even deeper than usual since he just woke up.

“Minhyuk-hyung texted me!” Jimin said shoving his phone in V’s face.

“That’s nice?” V rubbed his eyes with his hand, trying his best to wake up.

“Well! Read it! From ‘Morning Jimmie’ down.”

The younger sat up and took Jimin’s phone, turning the brightness down so his eyes wouldn’t burn so much. He read the conversation his hyungs had, trying not to roll his eyes at the thousands of emoji’s the smaller boy used. Jimin sat by V’s feet, a proud smile on his face.

“Wait,” V said hanging back his phone “that’s in 30 minutes.”

“Yeah! So get up and get dressed!” Jimin said smacking V with a pillow again.

V looked and saw Jimin had already changed into day clothes. He wore dark black jeans, a white v-neck and a soft blue jacket. V pulled himself out of bed and headed to his dresser. He pulled out clothes and started to take off his shirt.

“Ya ya ya!” Jimin shouted. “What now?” V asked dryly.

“Don’t change in front of me that’ weird!” Jimin got up and started pushing V towards the bathroom “I don’t wanna see sophomore dick.”

Minhyuk waited patiently by the front door, one hand in the pocket of his tight, light wash khaki’s, the other sending a message to Jimin. He heard footsteps coming down the stairs, drawing his attention. He looked over to see Y/N coming down the stairs. His breath hitched in his throat.

“You ready?” Y/N asked grabbing her black purse from the counter.

Minhyuk watched Y/N, mouth opened in shock. Her golden hair flowed as they walked. They wore a tight fit black tank top and black leather pants. They had high platform boots making them as tall as Minhyuk. They also had eye makeup that made their color of their eyes pop out more than usual. Minhyuk blinked multiple times, trying to process Y/N’s looks.

“I, uh, hey where’s your glasses, don’t you need those to, like, see?” Minhyuk asked dumbly. “I’m wearing contacts.” they responded pointing at their eyes. “Oh, right…” The ebony haired boy looked down sheepishly.

Y/N looked at Minhyuk questioningly before opening the door. They froze immediately. “You didn’t tell me about them.” They whispered to Minhyuk, earning a smirk for the boy.

“HELLO Y/N-(NOONA/HYUNG)!” Jimin yelled from to end of the driveway

“You’re already letting him call you that?” Minhyuk asked coming up behind them, gently shutting the door as he stepped out. “No.” they responded curtly.

Jimin was latched around a jet black haired boy’s arm. Jihwan smiled brightly at the two as they walked down the driveway “Hello~! This is Jungkook!”

Y/N offered the new guy a smile as Minhyuk exchanged greetings. Y/N looked the new guy up and down, trying to get a read on him. He had an on almost teal cardigan that complimented Jimin’s jacket color well. Underneath it was a white graphic tee and a pair of thin black suspenders. Y/N noticed the three boys all had on the same style boots, Jimin and Jungkook’s black while V’s were white, and their pants’ cuffs rolled up slightly. Meanwhile V’s white tee shirt was covered by a pastel pink jacket.

“You’re gonna be cold you know.” Minhyuk said to Y/N, the only one without a jacket.

“It’s not that bad out.” The foreigner said shaking their head. “Where we going?”

“Ooh! The carnival is in town! I was hoping we could go before school started back up next week! Now’s the perfect time!!” Jimin said bouncing slightly. Jungkook smiled at the shorter boy, “That sounds fun.”

“You’re not afraid of rides right Y/N?” Minhyuk asked with a playful smirk. “Of course not, I’m not weak.”

“Alright, I’ll drive then.” Minhyuk pulled his keys out of his pocket and motioned for everyone to follow him to the garage.

About halfway through the day Jimin and Jungkook separated from the other three. Minhyuk had bought the five of them vip passes so they wouldn’t have to wait in line and could go on as many rides as they pleased.

“So, how does it feel knowing you spent $60 on Jungkook-ah and Jimin-hyung, just for them to ditch us to make out?” V asked stealing a piece of Minhyuk’s cotton candy. Minhyuk tried to hold back his laughter, swatting away V’s hand. He side eyed Y/N on his other side, noticing they shivered. “I told you you’d be cold.”

“It’s not tha-” before they could finish their sentence Minhyuk was handing them his aqua sweater he had been wearing. “But, what about you?”

The older boy shrugged, adjusting his white undershirt. He smiled widely at them as they put it on. He turned to look at V, smile wavering when he saw the younger looking a little mad. Suddenly he realized that Y/N and V hadn’t said a single word to each other.  He turned the bag of cotton candy to Y/N, “Do you want some?”

“Gomabseubnida.” Y/N said reaching in the bag

Minhyuk purposefully dropped it, pretending that they accidently knocked it out of his hand, the cotton candy feel out and onto the pavement. “Oh shit. Sorry, I’m so clumsy. Here, you two wait here, I’ll go buy more.”

The older smirked as he walked away from the two, hoping that they’d finally talk and break the awkward atmosphere. Y/N turned to V awkwardly. The brunette rubbed the back of his neck shyly, avoiding looking at the other.

“So uh,” He started sheepishly “how are you enjoying Korea?”

“It’s pretty.” They responded just as nervously “It’s very different from my home.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“I’m not really sure? I like both a lot, it’s just nice to be somewhere new.”

V hummed in response, not really sure what to say next. He looked down at his feet nervously. The boy wondered if his hyungs and Jungkook planned together to get him and Y/N alone. He looked around nervously to see if the boys were watching making fun of him secretly. Turning back to Y/N he offered a shy smile, the older returning one back. They shifted ter weight from leg to leg awkwardly, hoping Minhyuk would return soon.

“OH LOOK IT’S V AND Y/N-(NOONA/HYUNG)!” Y/N cringed at the voice, rather being alone with V then the bubbly boy and his boyfriend joining. “HI GUYS!”

V turned around to see Jimin and Jungkook approaching, the smaller still clinging to Jungkook’s arm. V smiled at the site of them, noting how Jimin looked so much younger than the freshmen despite being two years older. “Hey you two, we’ve you guys been?”

“Jimin-hyung insisted we go on the ferris wheel together and we got separated.” Jungkook said smiling down at Jimin.

“Hey, where’s Minhyuk-hyung?” The orange haired boy asked looking around

“I accidently dropped our cotton candy so he’s getting us more.” Y/N piped in

Jimin laughed “Are you just as clumsy as our hyung?”

“No one can be as clumsy as him.” V spoke.

“Rude” Minhyuk said coming up behind them, smile on his face “I’m not that bad.”

“Hyung!” Jimin exclaimed excitedly.

“Oh good,”Minhyuk ruffled the small ones hair “you two are done making out. What do you guys wanna do now?”

The five finally left long after the sun had set. It was just past midnight as they drove peacefully around the town, Minhyuk driving with V up front, and Y/N, Jimin, and Jungkook sitting in the back.

“(Noona/Hyung)~! Why don’t you tell us about you’re home!” Jimin said turning to the foreigner.

“Well, what do you mean?”

“What’s it like?! The people? Your friends? Your old school? The sites? Everything!”

The student thought for a moment, “I lived in the this small town. There wasn’t really much to do in town. If you wanted to hang out with friends it was either stay at someone’s house or go to the neighboring cities. We’d usually just hang around the malls or go to cafes and bookstores. I actually had a job at the mall in our town. As for my school, I was in the band, and I also was in chorus an-”   “WAAAAAAA~ YOU CAN SING? Oh... sorry, sorry go on” Jimin covered his mouth quickly after his outburst.

Y/N chuckled before continuing their story, softly smiling as they talked “I don’t know if there’s really much to tell about school really. My friends though were… interesting. How do I describe them… They all tell really bad jokes and think they’re the funniest people ever but I still laugh at them. They put up with all my weird antics because they do twenty times weirder things. They’re really nice, but also total dweebs. Like I said, there wasn’t much going on in our town so we’d go and just walk around the mall, not really interested in buying anything, just enjoying eachother’s company. One other place we went a lot was Barnes and Noble, a book store. We would just sit in the aisles reading different books, giving each other recommendations, laughing at terrible books we read, or getting nostalgic at the books we read when we were younger. I made sure to ask for all my friends recommendations before I came here and bought all the books. We’d drive around at night like what we’re doing now and just dance to whatever song came up, usually looking like complete idiots. I miss them.” Y/N looked up from their hands realizing everyone was looking at her, except Minhyuk who kept his eyes on the road. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble on so much.”

“That sounds nice.” Jimin said softly.

Y/N hummed a response, turning to look out the window, smile still on their face. V turned around to face the front again after realizing he had been staring, cheeks flushing.

“Why’d you come here?” Minhyuk asked, looking at her in the rear view mirror.

“I’ve always wanted to study aboard, be somewhere new and exciting, I’ve always been interested in South Korea too. It’s always sounded so nice and pretty, and the language was fun and easy to learn.”

“Sure, you just wanted to meet all the hot korean boys in the bands you listen to, didn’t you?” Minhyuk asked laughing

“I will admit, that is totally how I learned Korean.”

“Oh my god.” Jungkook said in a jokingly disgusted voice.

“Your Korean is pretty good though!” Jimin said much louder than needed.

Jungkook grabbed Jimin’s head and put it on his own shoulder and stroked the orangey hair to try and get the older to calm down. Y/N laughed softly and thanked Jimin. “What about you guys? What’s your backstory?”

Minhyuk shrugged a shoulder. “You already know about me. Mayor’s son, mom’s a teacher, dumb younger brother.”

Y/N laughed slightly at the dig at Sungjae. Jimin lifted his head of Jungkook’s shoulder. “I’m an only child, though my friends are pretty much like my siblings.”

“Same here.” Jungkook piped in.

V sighed. “I have so many siblings, though I’m the youngest. All my hyungs moved out but my noona still lives with us.”

Y/N looked around and waited for someone to say something else, since they all seemed like they had more to say. Yet not one said anything. Y/N turned back to look out window, peacefully watching the trees pass by as Minhyuk drived down areas of Korea they’d yet to explore. They were actually glad that the other three came along, glad they would have more than just one friend. They noticed they had pulled into a neighborhood and before long were pulling into a driveway. Both Jimin and Jungkook climbed out of the car saying bye to the others.

“Doesn’t Jimin still have stuff at your house from last night?” Minhyuk asked as he backed out of the driveway.

“Jimin still has stuff at my house from 3 years ago.” V laughed.

The three drove back to their neighborhood in mostly silence, tiredness to overwhelming to talk. Minhyuk stopped in front of the large blue house next door, C getting out and saying goodbye to the two before tiredly walking to the front door. Minhyuk drove into his own driveway. He realized Y/N wasn’t getting out, turning around to see they had fallen asleep. He smiled and opened their door, reaching over to unbuckle them. The boy reached his arms under Y/N and gently pulled them out of the car, carrying them bridal style.

He carried them into the house, having a bit of difficulty with the doorknob. Minhyuk brought them up to their room, lightly placing the foreigner onto their bed. He looked down at them, smiling as he took in their beauty. He brushed the hair out of their face softly. Gently he took off their shoes and placed them on the floor at the end of the bed. Minhyuk quietly closed the door behind him and headed to his room. He leaned against his door after entering his room.

“Well. Shit.” He mumbled to himself.

[kaellouis]

Finding SS (Finding that Special Sister/Someone) or How I Met that SS

This will be my first blog entry and surprisingly enough it’s going to be about my differing relationships with sisters inside the Church.

The thing is... I don’t really know where to start. Even before I became a disciple I already had romantic relationships, although I wouldn’t really consider serious, are still somehow relevant in my life. “But Michael, why are you writing about your relationships and inside the church in particular”? Well, I’m glad I asked, it’s because these sisters either changed me or (the term I’d rather choose) influenced me to become the person who I am today. As much as I would love to name these “lovelies” and “Felicias”, I can but I won’t, to of course preserve my dignity, instead I will call them with a thing that reminds me of them or... an alias will do. Enough with the pleasantries, let’s get this over with.

Before I start with the first sister, I’ll give you a spoiler to save your time in case you’re wondering if I did find that sister, well all I can say is that I’m single so I’m not currently dating any of them. I’ll vividly describe them and my relationship with them though so you could tell me if I blew up on one your ships.

Chapter 1: DOTA [Girl] aka Angelica

Part 1

I guess I could start here. Well, she is and was the first sister I fell for (and fell for really hard nonetheless). It was on the Inauguration Day of the Church when I first saw her. The service just ended and she was crying. We never really had the chance to talk much but I remembered why she cried, it was because she used to attend our former church and saw how it drifted and now it’s like she’s seeing what it used to be and that now she can finally be a part of it. Weeks after her Bible Studies, she got baptised and was discipled directly by my aunt (talk about the odds being in my favor). From what I remember, just a week after her baptism, I asked her to go on a Kingdom Date with me. Now for those who don’t belong in our Church, Kingdom Dates are what you would call “obligatory” Tinder-like double (or triple) dates wherein you get to know each other and supposedly attract each other to Christ, not to yourself (yeah right) and so that’s what we did, we went on a date (Remember this term as it would constantly appear).

We went to MOA, and yes, we were with another pair. I’m actually a very shy and rather awkward guy when it comes to sisters or girls that I like (especially on the first date). I’m sorry if you’re reading this Angelica and if I get some or most of the story wrong, it is from my own perspective after all and I tend to romanticize or exaggerate a little. Plus, no offence but since most of these scenes happened more than two years ago, I won’t be able to get all of it right, except for the important ones of course. Okay, enough of that, let’s get back. Yes, it was a cloudy day and my newly bought iPhone 4s from Lazada just arrived right before I head on out to meet with them. It was actually a pretty memorable day. The first picture on my 4s were of the bowling shoes that I wore when we went to the bowling alley at MOA. Yes, we played bowling and I suck. I got the lowest score among the four of us while she got the highest. It was a pretty bad way to start the date in terms of me trying to impress her and the worst part was, she tried to sympathize me, how lame could that possibly get? Anyways, we ate at Mang Inasal after (I can’t believe I remember this) and finally had the chance to properly introduce ourselves. Come to think of it, I haven’t described how she looks like yet (well... allow me to do just about that). I’m not really into physical appearance... “Oh God Michael, stop telling yourself that, you know it matters”. Well I’d be lying if I disagree with myself but I’d also be lying if that’s all that matters to me. I remember saying to a sister once (and yes, she is a part of this list) that what captures my heart is what captures my ear (heart-ht=ear, I’m a genius). True enough, she’s not what you would call a supermodel but she is indeed attractive and... cute? (I’m sorry for the term but she is rather short, thank God) She had a medium-short black hair, a rather oblong-like face with a distinguished chin. She closely resembles a mestiza just because her eyes aren’t chinky and she’s quite pale. But her eyes though, those hazel-brown iris when arrayed by sunlight just speaks how beautiful the soul of this woman is. Needless to say she’s one of those “lovelies” I introduced earlier and I’ll tell you why in a bit. Her choice of clothing is not what you would call “feminine” and I’m not really fond as to why that is. All I know is that she has a background of being with guys most of the time and that she’s taking Aeronautical Engineering (not to mention having ROTC as her NSTP) so why do I even bother to ask? Also, she wears glasses and I really dig that.

(I will be adding these “inside-parentheses” sentences a lot to tell you most of my thoughts while writing this. I’m actually more inclined to writing “formally” so I’d like to “formally” apologize if my style does not suit you (I suggest you go reading those jeje romcom confessionals or Reddit posts on Facebook or something). Rather than being “fun” and playful, I’d like to stick with this style, thank you very much but yeah. At this point, I can only say that this is going to be one hell of an entry.)

Oh, Angelica, I’d rather say your real name though but I won’t. Anyway, after our meal, we went to Sea Side and just walked back and forth looking for a place to chat (a customary thing after the “main” date activities). It was a rather cloudy day with a wee touch of sunshine so it wasn’t that hot while we were strolling. I’ve been on a lot of Kingdom Dates but the fact that I remember this one so clearly just speaks for itself. That stroll was so memorable because I got to know (what I would like to believe) the real M.. I mean Angelica (almost had me there). We talked about our individual dreams and aspirations and how we’d get there, we talked about our outlook and views about life and then we talked about God and I could remember how she dreams of having her own charity and outreach centre for the poor and orphaned, we even talked about things you would not necessarily talk about with someone you’re not really close to. But the one thing that I could never forget that day was when I asked her to define what love is (so cheesy), and as her gentle and sweet voice began to outspokenly utter the very same thing I had in mind, I could feel my heart pulsing and my pupils dilating (being that it was really rare for me to hear that definition).

“Love is a choice, not a feeling nor an emotion”

By now, that definition is what you would consider a cliche but during that time, it was something rather vague and indescribable and hearing that specific definition from her just sent shivers down my spine and goosebumps on the tip of my arm hair. It was something that captured my ear in turn captivating my heart making me see her as not just that flabby girl with glasses but an intricate and fascinating soul who’s more than what meets the eye. Of course it’s not just because of that. What a shallow excuse to base my sudden infatuation on an answer that just about anyone can say but no, it only started there. You see, there were two things that I learned that day. Aside from her being good (and I mean really good) at bowling or how beautiful she is (more on the inside, and I think we already established that), is that oh God... she’s just so beautiful (cause she is) and that we’re more alike than we think (or should I say “than I think”). I was pretty sure that we said that to each other on one occasion long after that day but I just couldn’t bring myself to remember why we though that. Maybe it was because of our same perspective in life or our weird fascination towards dark and creepy stuff or that we’re both gamers or maybe even our tendency to have weird mannerisms? (I’d actually like to talk more about that) I really don’t know why I would forget such an important detail. Anyways, fast forward to a couple of weeks and I get a rather exciting yet terrifying news, I was about to become a Bible Talk leader.

Part 2

Okay, I’ve always wanted to be a Bible Talk leader, well, not solely for the sake of being one but I dreamt of being more than just that. My Kingdom dream was and I still believe that it is, to become an Evangelist of the Kingdom of God.   Why, you ask? It’s because I want to be used by God in the most powerful way and what more noble call is there than to serve a vast number of God’s people by leading them? This was actually one of the things we talked about at Sea Side that day and I remember telling her that exact same reason why I wanted to be one. But the reason why I wanted to be a Bible Talk leader was because I needed to start from there in order to achieve my dream and after being a disciple for over a year that time, I would say I had a slow start compared to other disciples presently. Nevertheless, I was scared when my uncle told me that I was to become a Bible Talk leader. Not only will it be my first time to lead a group of my own and to actually be responsible for it but I’ll also get to lead it with someone (a partner would say), and by now you must have an idea who that someone is, yes, it’s a sister and not just any sister, it’s THE SISTER. In my head back then it was the best idea but if it were me right now, it was the worst idea ever. Why? Because later on this line, things will go downhill for me and this sister.

I was scared, scared of the fact that I have no idea of what I’ll be doing. All those what ifs and the likelihood of failing my duties kept roaming inside my head but at the same time I was glad that my uncle decided to appoint me and entrusted me with such a responsibility... [Part 2/4 Co-Leading Days and Back to Strangers] to be added

Coming Soon!

Chapter 2: Orange [Girl] aka Tala

Chapter 3: Bookmark [Girl] aka Maria

Food Sisters Arc (Highly Inappropriate Arc)

Chapter 4: Beer [Girl] aka Italia

Chapter 5: Siopao [Girl] aka Felicia

Chapter 6: Milktea [Girl] aka Michaela

Bonus: Outside Interests

Chapter 7: Miso [Girl] aka Shania

Chapter 8: Bracelet [Girl] aka Laura

Chapter 9: ???

Conclusion

Chapter 10: Regrets

Chapter 11: Lessons

Chapter 12: That SS Who Got Away

[voidlitmoon]

Hello! Congrats on finding me I guess??

I'm Moon or Manti n use she/her and ae/aer pronouns (equal use please) Prounous.page

This is my main blog, please do note it is my ONLY personal blog on Tumblr currently!

I have partial ownership of @askmonstersides (abandoned)

Do your daily clicks!! https://arab.org/

New to Tumblr? Click here or here or here! All are safe links to helpful Tumblr posts /gen

More rambling below the read more

I'm a disabled aro/ace creator, ready for my creativity to only work during the night once every month. I've been actively using Tumblr since August 14th 2019, the internet itself longer, and haven't figured out how to escaped since. I don't talk a lot but when I do uhh as seen below I ramble :)

✨️Common tags and content✨️

Talking tag - #the moon has spoken

Art tag - #the moon has drawn

Writing tag - #the moon has writen

Favorites tag - #i will cry if I can't find this again

Reblogs - #reblog

I'm a self proclaimed artist and writer for fun, both mostly created on phone w/ no stylus, for fandoms and OCs. I use Sony Sketch for art

I'm in several fandoms and reblog quite a lot of content around them. I enjoy OC and original content, and absolutely love animals and science, so get ready because what im going to reblog is a mystery even to myself

Current main fandoms: MCYT (DSMP, QSMP, MCC, Hermitcraft, general CC!/C!s (especially EmeraldDuo and Benchtrio)) Pokemon, Wings of Fire, Ghibli, In Stars and Time, Sky CotL

Non main fandoms: Gravity Falls, The Owl House, Bee and Puppycat, Sander Sides, Helluva Boss, Ace Attorney, Spiderverse, Cult of the Lamb

Please note I will reblog other fandom content, these are just the main ones :)

I AM BAD AT REMEMBERING TO TAG SPOILERS ON REBLOGS UNLESS ITS A FANDOM WIDE THING OR ITS A RECENT BIG SPOILER I apologize in advance

Anon asks are on, I can and will turn them off if they're abused inappropriately. I am open to requests drawing and writing wise, but I will not promise I will do any I feel uncomfortable or un-inspired by. Please keep asks appropriate

Note: Asks are currently off, sorry!

This blog is basically PG-13(/15?) Aka I will say fuck, talk about medical stuff, and post blood/gore as much as I want but there will be no sexually explicit content

I am TERRIBLE at talking to people and making first contact, it you wanna be my mutual please just message/send an ask I will have no clue what to say back but I will open my arms immediately and send cat pics :))

Speaking of, I have 12 cats, please ask about them I will give a billion pictures!! I have as well 4 dogs, and 4 chickens

🌧Serious stuff🌧

Do NOT repost my artwork (or writing), even with credit. If you want to make any art a pfp on Discord or Tumblr please send an ask or send me a direct message. Credit is required written somewhere in such case, please avoid interacting in drama. I have the right to refuse. Systems are completely welcomed ^-^

My ask box is always an open place for you to ask for warning tags (I use "____ tw") but I can not promise I won't forget in future posts. If you see a tw tag and it isn't a tw for you, it is not for you, ignore and move on with your scrolling

Don't assume my age, I'm a litteral stranger on the internet you'll probably never talk to why are you trying to figure that out?? At most I'll say I'm a young adult, still in college

C!/Character is different than cc!/content creator. CC!/real people shippers please don't interact, I don't feel comfortable with you anywhere near my blog

If you support cc! Drm Team, 4evr, or Wil Gold please leave, i don't want to start an argument with you just block me and go on with your day. I don't mind if you still use/talk about the characters (such as DSMP or QSMP) like Tumblr jpegs in AUs/writing/etc anyways dsmp c!Drm was abusive and you can't change my mind I watched Exile live

💙More locations to find me💙

Instagram - or @VoidlitMoon (art/maybe photography soon?)

Ao3 - or @VoidlitMoon (writing, fanfiction and original works)

Art Fight - or @VoidlitMoon

I am NOT on TwitterX, Deviantart, or Tiktok and do not post on YouTube, please report any reposters! I do have Discord, mutuals feel free to message me so I can send a friend request

🎨Series I have made🎨

Second Chance (Will You Take It?) AU Masterpost (MCYT, DreamSMP) status: hiatus, unfinished

Teaming the Pieces Together AU Masterpost (Sander Sides, Pokemon (setting)) actual AU created by @/sugarglider-s status: inactive, finished other than one side story I'm not gonna go back and write

Romantic c!Beeduo shippers are so poggers tho /gen

Credits:

Icon (art by me, not posted)

Header (art by me, posted here)

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Eret interact banner credit

C!Beeduo relationship banners credit

Tango terrified of Tumblr credit

2022 crash survivor credit

2024 Boop Badge credit

Ao3 Are You Lore? credit

Tumblr Sexy Man voter 2023 credit

Bug race participant badge credit

MCYTblr Sexy Man Voter 2023 credit

Johniel apologist banner - art by me, not posted