#sorry for making a discord server then disappearing for seven years. do you still think im cute

[lepidopteragirl]

trembles. perhaps i will make my triumphant (?)(dubious) return to discord this evening

[spiderling-space]

Hey so this thought has been on my mind for like ages and I think that you'd be able to write a headcanon about it in a wonderful way, so I'm presenting this idea to you hehe ( I love ur blog so so so much btw!)

So let's say that whatever miracles of seven happened, that Yuu overblots. Being constantly pushed around by other students by being magicless, solving the idiot trio's problems, trying to survive overblots and dealing with Crowley's neglectful ass cheeks sure is not easy. With all the piled and bottled up negative emotions, Yuu like the previous boys, overblots. Yuu wasn't that hard to defeat cuz you know, they're magicless, but the twst boys did struggle and Yuu's quite the challenge too. So what if, after Yuu's overblot, they had a full on mental breakdown. Not like crying mental breakdown, they're full on SCREAMING, their voice are cracking too, and very painful to hear. They started to unconsciously harm themselves so they have to be tied down to prevent to hurt themselves further. How would the dormleaders react to that?

(Sorry for my English and if I ever break a rule, it's OK if you decide to not do this too. Btw I got this idea when I watch ATLA aka Aang the last airbender, for reference of the breakdown of Yuu just search "Azula's breakdown" that practically how their breakdown looked like :D)

I cant write headcanons because you basically wrote everything. I will just make comments and additions to this. first I mention the background, secondly Azula’s breakdown so non ATLA watchers can understand a little and lastly, MC having breakdown like Azula. For the record, I could write about ATLA for pages since it is something I love since 2005. LOL This became a bit meta xd

You can join the discord server here 😉🤣

Firstly, the back ground:

I was 7 years old when ATLA started airing. I’d be excited to get back home to watch ATLA after school. Azula’s breakdown was awful back then when I first watch it as a kid. And of course, when they aired the episodes again and again. I rewatched again because I remembered the show being dope when I was in 12th grade which was stress relief while studying for university exams, and then I rewatched last year and even founded a Zutara server. Now I’m getting back to the point. In the last two rewatching, I saw Azula in a different light and her breakdown at the end of the show was understandable. I can recommend some ATLA meta that you might like. 

Secondly, Azula’s breakdown: 

Azula lost everything. In the flashbacks, you saw she was getting along with Zuko, laughing and playing tag until Ozai’s influence on her grew while Ursa showed more affection towards Zuko since Ozai basically hated Zuko. These two triggered each other and it grew like snowball effect which came to the point that Ozai-Azula and Ursa-Zuko. She didn’t get love from Ozai, she was just a puppet, someone to empower him more, not his daughter meanwhile to Ursa, she was a monster. Azula was 8 years old  Ursa disappeared. Imagine how this would affect the child. After this, she had estranged brother that she was jealous of because of Ursa’s love, a father who manipulated her, and an uncle who was too in pain to do anything and he was more focused on Zuko. She only had Mai and Ty Lee as “friends” but it was toxic and Azula used fear to control them. After Zuko got banished, Mai and Ty Lee went to their own places, leaving Azula alone with Ozai. Just when Zuko got back, she was being like the last times, cruel teasing, Mai and Ty Lee with her. Later, Zuko went away and probably got lectured by Ozai for her lie. Mai and Ty Lee stood against her. In the end, she had no one. Ozai didn’t want her with him either because he only wants power. Being alone drew her to the edge. In the Royal Hair Washing, the girl sje fired had her face. Her self hatred was palpable. She started to reflect this via Ursa, the mother who thought her as monster and didn’t love her like she did Zuko. I believe she would have had breakdown if she actually killed Zuko. At the end, she couldn’t handle it anymore. Being all alone, not being loved, self hatred and finally failing at something which is something she knows Ozai would never tolerate like he did with Zuko. This 14-year-old wouldn’t be able to handle it anymore and had breakdown.

Now last section, MC having breakdown like Azula’s:

Let’s see the things MC went through:

Stripped away from home

Doesn’t have much memory of it

Is thrusted into a world so foreign to them, where everything is foreign to them. There is no familiar thing that can make them recall home or feel at home

Is forced to study things that they have no prior info where the others have prior info and they are expected to ace the tests. This puts on pressure on regular students, can’t imagine the pressure they would feel since they barely understand the magic.

Is treated like trash by everyone at least once. From the first moment they came to Twisted Wonderland, they were like dirtbag. Dire gave them a house where they could get Hepatitis A to C, tetanus, hypothermia and any other disease. They have lived in that state for months and the house barely got fixed by the end of exams. They got belittled or used by almost all characters at least once. Examples: Vil calling them nobody; Azul trying to take the only thing they have from them, the dorm; Riddle calling them uneducated because not having magical parents; Leona acting like they are a toy in E2; Jamil literally manipulating their choice; sometimes NPC characters talked; Cater making them do his work etc.

They are given more than a person should handle. They are not certificated psychologist, they aren’t superhuman, they don’t have super healing... They are just human but has to fight enemies than can easily kill them if it were not the magic users around them. They are given the task of dealing with the emotional breakdown of the other people.

All of these are building up more and more. Maybe they started to get along with people after the belittlement and being used but every new character does this. At one point, it will be too much and they will think “they are only nice to me because I did a favor to them. If not for that, they wouldn’t be nice to me” which would lead to self doubt. When one starts doubting themselves, everything else starts to go down. Also, new characters treating them that way adds salt to the wound.

MC isn’t a professional psychologist. They can’t handle other people’s issues without taking a toll at themselves. They don’t even catch a break between everything.

Dire is deliberately keeping them away from home as they all do the errands he say. To him, what MC wants doesn’t matter much. The game doesn’t show but if MC has family and friends or pets, you can’t tell me that they wouldn’t miss them once or see, hug them or know their state, alive-dead, healthy-sick etc. 

Lastly not being invincible. The end of Episode 5 shows this well. They couldn’t stand against Grim who isn’t as powerful as the other overblot characters. They are mortal who can get hurt easily.

Now all these build up meanwhile we don’t see an MC centered chapter, how they are etc. It’s all about the others. Maybe there were a few chapters asking if MC is okay after everything but it feels like it is in the second plan. 

Everything that I mentioned can lead to a breakdown like Azula’s. Everything is just too much to handle and they don’t talk with a professional about it. When they finally let out everything, it feels much better, screaming out their lungs, lashing out like all of them did. They are finally letting out all of their emotions, crying and screaming; yet still feels better than bottling everything up. They think maybe that’s how overblot characters felt.

All in all, everyone in NRC needs a counselor.

[giuliafc]

Betrayal Chapter 14: A Sorrowful Conversation

<< 1 -- 2 -- 3 -- 4 -- 5 -- 6 -- 7 -- 8 -- 9 -- 10 -- 11 -- 12 -- 13 -- 14: Ao3 || FFN -- 15 >>

Written by: JuliaFC

Beta: Agrestebug and Myimaginationflows

Summary: Gabriel explains what happened to Emilie (997 words)

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by (c) Thomas Astruc, TS1 Bouygues, Disney Channel, Zagtoon, Toei Animation. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Written for the "Snippet July" challenge of the Miraculous Fanworks Discord server @miraculousfanworks AND for LadyNoir July @ladynoirjuly Day 25 — Immortality/de-transformation. Let me know what you think!

oOoOoOoOoOo

Volpina smirked and checked her spy bug once more before entering the lift to Gabriel's office. None of the heroes, or Su-Han, seemed to notice the fox anti-heroine. However, unseen by her, Gabriel watched as she disappeared from view.

When Gabriel again paid attention to the heroes, he noticed that Su-Han had approached Emilie's coffin and Ladybug was filling him in.

"We're not sure what happened to her. She overused the Peacock Miraculous while it was broken. Is there anything you can do, Master Su-Han?"

"A broken Miraculous?" said the bald monk, scratching his head. "I don't know if there's a way to save her. It's never happened before." He placed his hands on Emilie's forehead and closed his eyes, starting to chant in a low voice. "She seems to be in an enchanted sleep. How many times did she use the Peacock?"

"One too many," said Gabriel, causing all eyes to turn towards him. "We were desperate to keep you, Adrien."

Su-Han looked around suspiciously. "We shouldn't say the names of the heroes, in case their identity could be in danger."

"It won't," said Gabriel with a sigh. "The intruder you sensed left."

"How do you know that?" asked Ladybug, her earrings beeping out a warning.

"I have eyes, Ladybug, and nothing else to do. Volpina was here; she left moments ago by using the lift to my atelier. I've kept an eye on it since then, but she hasn't come back."

Chat Noir walked to his father and crouched down to look him in the eye. "What do you mean you wanted to keep me, Father?"

Gabriel sighed, but when his gaze met Chat Noir's, a decisive frown furrowed his eyebrows. "Félix isn't your cousin, Adrien. He's your twin brother." His gaze seemed to get lost in his memories, and his expression softened when Chat Noir widened his eyes and gasped. "Emilie couldn't have children, but she always wanted one. We had gotten to the point of thinking of adoption, but Amelie found out to be pregnant with twins. Emilie was happy for her sister, but her sadness slowly deepened and I became really worried for her. Until the night that Adam nearly died in a car accident."

"Uncle Adam? But he only died recently!" interrupted Chat Noir, gaining himself a glare. "Sorry…"

"Amélie was devastated. She started falling deeper into depression. More time passed and Adam wasn't getting out of the coma he had fallen into. So Emilie started researching things that could have helped. We spent months travelling around the world looking for something that could help him. That's how I learned about the Prodigious in Shanghai, and eventually, I found the Grimoire, and the two Miraculous jewels. When Duusu told Emilie about the power of the Miraculous, she went to Amélie and told her that she had a way to give her back Adam, to make him immortal, but in exchange, she wanted one of her twins. Amélie accepted."

"I don't understand. The Peacock doesn't grant immortality." Su-Han furrowed his brows.

"True, it doesn't," admitted Gabriel, "but Emilie's plan was to create a sentimonster that looked like Adam and give him his amokatised object—"

"If the Miraculous was broken, the Sentimonsters wouldn't last long, even if created by an adult," conveyed Su-Han.

Gabriel nodded. "Yes. That's what caused Emilie's illness. In order to keep her promise to Amélie and keep SentiAdam alive, she had to keep creating sentimonsters to replace the ones that malfunctioned and disappeared." He looked down. "She didn't mind doing that though, because Amélie had given consent for Adrien's adoption. But little did we know that by pursuing this path and making her sister happy, she would've ended up sick. And eventually on a deathbed."

Su-Han scratched his head. "How many sentimonsters had she created with the broken Miraculous?" he inquired.

"About five per year for fourteen years," said Gabriel and Su-Han sucked his breath in.

"What about this other lady? How many did she create before the jewel was repaired?"

Gabriel was quiet for a moment. "I think seven, possibly eight. I can't remember precisely, but one of them took a lot of her energy because it was a replica of Ladybug."

"I see," muttered Su-Han. Then, he turned to Ladybug. "Your earrings have already beeped a couple of times. If you want to repair any damage…" His gaze darted significantly towards Nathalie. "...you better use the Miraculous Cure now."

Ladybug nodded and threw her lucky charm in the air, releasing the flock of ladybugs. She was relieved to see that a good group of magical insects blobbed around Nathalie. By the time the magic had finished its job, the older woman was opening her eyes and looking around, almost in a daze.

"Good," muttered Gabriel, his gaze softening as he looked at his assistant. But before he could say anything, or do anything, Ladybug's earrings beeped louder.

"I have only a minute left. I need to detransform and feed my kwami." She moved fast, looking for a place to hide, and had literally just moved out of sight when her transformation fell.

Chat Noir reached Marinette as she grabbed a macaron from her purse to feed Tikki.

"I'm so sorry for your mother, Adrien," said the red kwami in between chewing. Chat Noir looked down, his hand reaching for his nape. "I understand why Gabriel wanted to get our Miraculous to save her, but making the Wish, although for a heartfelt reason, is never the solution."

Chat Noir looked down. "I know, Tikki." He glanced at the coffin and sighed. "I just wish that there was a way."

Tikki patted her paws on his hair, trying to show him her support. "I'm sorry, but there's nothing that can be done. The Miraculous cure can't work on your mother any more. She will never come back."

From his position leaning at the far side of the coffin, Gabriel buried his head into his knees and muffled a sob.

To be Continued… day 26

-------------------------

Author's Note

Okay so… this is my contribution to the sentimonster theory. It still explains why Emilie fell sick, it still explains why Adrien and Félix look the same. Of course I don't know if it's right, but for the purpose of this fic, it will do ^-^

I hope you liked it and will leave me a comment to let me know what you thought of my idea :)

Until tomorrow, bug out!

[butmomilovepeter]

Tell Me Your Troubles and Doubts, Giving Me Everything Inside and Out

read on ao3?

lads,,,i did something, im not sure if it’s it, cheif. is it cash money? idk.

(imma dedicate this bad boy to @jackklinelovesstarwars lmao this discord server is wickety wickety whack i luv it)

~

Sam wakes up, and he hates it.

He hates how used to this feeling he is; the feeling of waking up on ground, hurt and disoriented.

His back aches, and it’s a harsh reminder that “middle age” is closely creeping up to him. His head throbs from the blow that the ghost him and Jack (god, he’s a baby) were hunting gave him. He hurts. He can feel the broken ribs, broken nose, concussion, and the broken glass sticking to his body. And the exhaustion from insomnia seems to catch up to him as he lays on the floor, his body not willing to catch up with his mind.

God, he’s exhausted.

And suddenly, a voice is speaking to him.

“-am! Sam! Are you alright?” Jack sounds so worried and young, and Sam half wishes he wasn’t even here.

“I’m good.” He groans and swallows the nausea.

“No, no, no. Dean said—”

“It’s fine, Jack. Let’s just—gah!” His attempts to stand were trampled by the way the pain flared in his sides and behind his eyes. He feels Jack steady him, and puts a hand behind Jack’s back for balance

“We should get out of here.” Jack whispers, as the ghost looks back at the two of them angrily. (And Sam can barely remember why this ghost is vengeful anyway.)

“We can’t leave just yet. Lemme call—”

But Sam can’t even finish before he notices the blood seeping from Jack’s back covering his hand.

Sam’s breath hitches and their eyes meet.

“Jack, that’s not…”

“Oh, I-I-” and Jack starts falling.

“Jack? Jack!” Sam scrambles to catch the boy despite his body’s protests. He brings them both to the ground, with Jack’s head in his lap.

“The ghost—I didn’t realize it—” Jack chokes out, blood dripping from his mouth.

“Shh, it’s okay—it’s okay.” Sam reassures through gritted teeth. The ghost snarls at them before disappearing, and part of Sam is grateful. His head hurts and he knows he’s seconds from blacking out, but now he’s got a bleeding kid in his lap so that’s out of the question.

“S-Sam?” Jack’s voice is soft.

“You’re alright, you’re alright. I’m getting you out of here.” Sam scoops up the boy into his arms (and oh my Chuck it hurts.)

“What about the-the ghost?” Sam hates how Jack’s voice wavers. Sam tucks Jack as close as possible.

“Don’t worry about the ghost. I can call someone or…”

He trails off because it’s getting harder to stay focused, but Jack doesn’t seem to notice.

As Sam sets the kid down on his side in back seat, he gets a good look at the wound.

It’s not too deep, and Sam knows he’ll probably survive, but he still is bleeding a good amount.

And it brings up memories he half forgot.

Hey, look at me. It’s not even that bad. It’s not even that bad, all right? Sammy? Sam!

“It hurts…” Jack sniffles. Sam rubs Jack’s shoulder before pressing a spare flannel up against the wound. Jack winces, and Sam pretends not to notice the tears.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Sympathy drips from Sam’s voice. “It’s gonna be alright.”

“You sure?” Jack sounds like he’s also on the verge of passing out.

“It’s not even that bad, kid. It’s not.” He cringes slightly. It’s been eight years. “Hang in there.”

Sam has never been the best driver, but god knows he should have been arrested for that drive back to the bunker.

~

“Dean! Cas!” Sam’s own body is screaming at him as he makes his way swiftly down the stairs, Jack’s body suddenly raging with fever.

Dean comes sprinting in, eyes widening when he sees the damage.

“God, Sammy, what happened?” Dean asked as he guides Sam to a bed for the kid.

Sam laid Jack on his stomach, tilting his head up to take care of the fever in a minute.

“Where’s Cas?” Sam asked, blinking away the black dots. Dean looked up skeptically at his brother.

“He was away with Rowena, remember? We talked about it before you left?” Dean prompted. Sam inhaled and tried to think, but the dots grew larger and his feet stumbled.

“No-no...I-”

“Sammy? Sam, you okay?” His brother’s voice was muffled. Sam shook his head, grabbing the wall behind him. “Sammy! Sammy?”

Sam felt his brother grab his shoulders, but his brain fuzzed out.

~

Hey, listen to me. We’re gonna patch you up, okay? You’ll be good as new. Huh? I’m gonna take care of you. I’m gonna take you care of you. I’ve got you. That’s my job, right? Watch out for my pain-in-the-ass little brother? Sam? Sam! Sam! Sammy!

~

Don't get mad at me. Don't you do that. I had to. I had to look out for you. That's my job.

And what do you think my job is?

What?

You've saved my life over and over. I mean, you sacrifice everything for me. Don't you think I'd do the same for you? You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this. Guess I gotta save your ass for a change.

~

I tried everything. That's the truth. I tried opening the Devil's Gate. Hell, I tried to bargain, Dean, but no demon would deal, all right? You were rotting in Hell for months. For months, and I couldn't stop it. So I'm sorry it wasn't me, all right? Dean, I'm sorry.

~

This is real. Not a year ago, not in Hell, now. I was with you when you cut it, I sewed it up! Look!

This is different. Right? Then the crap that’s tearing at your walnut? I’m different. Right?

Hey. I am your flesh-and-blood brother, okay? I’m the only one who can legitimately kick your ass in real time. You got away. We got you out, Sammy.

~

What happens when you've decided I can't be trusted again? I mean, who are you gonna turn to next time instead of me? Another angel, another -- another vampire? Do you have any idea what it feels like to watch your brother just-

Hold on, hold on! You seriously think that? Because none of it -- none of it -- is true. Listen, man, I know we've had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I've said some junk that set you back on your heels. But, Sammy...come on. I killed Benny to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don't you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I'm begging you.

~

He wakes up again, and it hurts more than before.

It’s not real awareness, more of a feeling than anything.

In the time he was out, he managed to dig up memories he had wished to forget.

And then he remembers Jack.

“Jack-!” He sits up and immediately regrets it.

“Easy! Easy!” Dean’s hands easily guide him back down on the bed.

“Where’s Jack?” Sam gasps. A better question was; where was he? A second look around, and he was in his own bed. There was a bandage wrapped around where his ribs were, an ice pack on his head and bandages covering his arms and neck where the glass had entered.

“He’s with Cas now. His fever just broke before you woke up.” Dean looked a bit hesitant.

“What is it?” Sam asks, trying not to think of the worst.

“You got him here just in time, Sammy. It was close.” Dean told him. Sam exhaled with relief.

“And Cas fixed him up?”

“Good as new. He’s on his way to help you too.”

“Why?” Sam swallowed a groan. Dean chuckled.

“Sam, you’ve been out for seven hours.” Dean removed the ice pack and replaced it with another. Sam pretended to not enjoy it. “You didn’t wake up once when I got all the glass out.”

Sam tried for a chuckle himself, but it hurt like hell. (Not actual Hell. He’s been there.)

“I’m getting old.” Sam responded eventually.

“You and me both, brother.” Dean smiled in his very Dean Winchester way. Then it dropped slightly. “You were dreaming, though. ‘Kept on muttering things I couldn’t understand. You’re not having nightmares again, are you?”

Sam avoided his brother’s eyes.

“There was never a time I wasn’t, Dean.”

Dean doesn’t answer, instead places a soft hand on his shoulder.

“Go back to sleep, Sammy. We’ll patch you up.”

~

“Sam?” Jack whispers in the doorway.

“Hey, Jack. Shouldn’t you be in bed?” Sam says, trying his best to sit up. Jack was dressed in his pajamas (Star Wars themed, they were a Christmas present.) He looks behind him in both directions before shaking his head.

“Castiel said that I was fine but should be resting.”

He pulled out a laptop. “But I’m bored. Can we watch a movie?”

Sam smiles and moves over as best he can.

“‘Course. Our little secret.”

Jack smiles and gently sat down next to Sam, and pulled up the Netflix logo.

“It keeps recommending me The Breakfast Club. Can we watch it?” Jack sounds young again, but the good kind of young.

“A classic. I’m making you watch every John Hughes movie.” And despite his aching ribs, he pulled Jack close next to him. He tried to ignore the affection that filled his throat when the kid put his head on his shoulder.

“You scared me today.” Jack whispered, about a half hour into the movie. “You went down so hard and I didn’t even realize I was—”

“Hey, I’m okay, Jack,” Sam reassured. “And so are you.”

Jack smiled a small smile, and turned his eyes back towards the screen.

(Dean and Cas find them late at night, fast asleep while Some Kind of Wonderful plays in the background. The pictures will in fact be used for blackmail someday soon.)

[bachmanitycapital]

a post in which i process my feelings about erlich bachman and talk a lot about LOST.

(warning for 4x10 spoilers and talk about drug use and suicide.)

i haven't watched the episode yet (or any of season 4...whoops), but i just read this article, and i'm just like...stunned? i'm really glad i spoiled myself for this, because the last time something like this happened to me was when I was really big into LOST and--

(i want to warn for spoilers, but you’re about 7 years too late)

--it was revealed that john locke had been dead since the beginning of s5.

another spoiler alert: i did not handle it well.

like, holy shit, i did not handle it at all. i had related SO MUCH to him--he was spiritual and intelligent--like me!--and stuck to his values--like me! it was nice to see someone like him--read: like ME!!!--overcome his disability and be useful, not only to the characters on the show, but, on a greater scale, the universe within the show's reality. well, at least he seemed useful, up until the point where we were told that he wasn't.

i realize, like, seven years later, that his usefulness was mostly born of self-delusion. at heart, he was an immature, stunted, dangerous caricature of toxic masculine entitlement. i can see how he resonated so deeply with my 22 y/o self, but luckily, i've moved past that point in my life. i've healed a lot of the hurts that made him so relatable, and now, like bootcut jeans and that one time i got really into new-age philosophy, i find him repulsive and my love of him deeply, deeply regretable.

fast forward to about a half-hour ago, when i pop into the s4 channel in our SV discord server read the aforementioned article.

and i'm sitting here like, that's not fair! why would you do that to him! he matters, why would you give him an end like that, why would you take away his agency like that, he deserves better, etc. etc. etc.

"oh my god, it's john locke all over again."

it's literally how i felt when they revealed in s5 that john locke had never confronted his own shadow and come out on the other side stronger and healed and better for it. that his universe had intended for him to fail, and that success was never really an option.

like locke, erlich is going to disappear into narrative obscurity. 

(sorry, LOST, but no amount of backpeddling is going to make john locke a "good guy." ...but that's neither here no there.)

it's heavily implied that erlich is going to self-destruct, or, at least, lose himself for a very long time.

erlich, like locke, was the product of hubris and the uncaring universe into which he was written. ultimately, they both make terrible choice after terrible choice, all leading to the moment where, instead of letting the universe take the wheel and drive the car off the cliff, they write themselves out of their own story.

locke tried to kill himself. (and, well, even that he doesn’t get right--the universe still fucks him.)

erlich is very likely going to drown his failure (and very poorly managed depression) in opiates.

the universe dealt them both a shit hand, but it's almost as though erlich himself reached over, slapped the universe's hand away from his own agency, and was like "i'll take it the rest of the way.” 

like the article i linked above said, all he ever wanted was to be remembered. to leave something of himself behind after he's gone. is this his way--like john--of finally taking control of things by giving up and letting go of that? by finally accepting that failure is inevitable--that the universe doesn't care whether we succeed or fail or slowly kill ourselves in a Chinese opium den?

jesus. what the hell happened to him?

erlich was such a source of light and charisma and weird, misguided love!

in season one, he's the one who tells richard that they're still going to find a way to win Tech Crunch, even if he has to jerk off every guy in the audience.

in season 2, erlich hustled right alongside richard, cutting deals and sacrificing his own income as an investor because he believed that much in pied piper.

failure was never, ever an option for erlich, because like saul goodman (ah, yes, another fave who ruins his own life. is anyone else sensing a pattern here?), he believed that if he couldn't find a way, you could be damn sure he'd make one.

but then season 3 happened. i don't need to go into how this season changed him--how discarded he felt when they moved offices, how ashamed he was that he squandered not only his, but bighead's money. that richard undervalued him, and even then, erlich still gave everything he had to save him and his company.

i haven't watched season 4. i don't know what happens to him between tne final moments of season 3 and his exit, but the idea that erlich could go from season 3 to his final scene in season 4 is...

fuck. yeah? i get it. i hate it, but i get it.

and fuck if i don't relate to that, in the same way i did to john locke as a pretentious little undergrad shithead drowning in toxic masculinity and dealing with feelings of "oh god, i fucked up. is this it? is this all there will ever be?"

erlich is so fucking relatable to me at this point in my life! i'm a mentally ill entrepreneur with a deeply hedonistic streak and a new get-rich-quick scheme every 3 months. i want attention ALL THE TIME and think pretty highly of myself, with, admittedly, very little to show for it.

i want people to remember me.

i'm spinning my wheels.

my impact on this world is, at best, negligable.

i can see myself becoming an addict.

just...fuck.

i wanted to believe that erlich could have his way--that he could be important. that he could matter. that people would love him and validate him and someday teach university classes about him--or, at least, the company he helped to build.

i want to think that there's an alternate dimension out there where erlich and richard finally escape the grim reality of the sitcom story cycle and make pied piper the best it could be.

i don't want to think about a reality in which someone i relate so deeply to could just give up like that, regardless of how understandable it is.

i guess that's the danger of processing your own identity by using fiction as a mirror--you have no say in the lives of these characters. you can't save them, and there's this terrible, irrational little part of you that worries, "but...that's me. is this all there is?"

it's just weird going through this again, already having gone through it with a character that i've so completely outgrown.

will that be how i feel about erlich in 5 years?

will my reaction to his metaphorical death he be just another mildly embarrassing footnote in my greater life?

on one hand, i'd like to give my present self more credit--i'm not erlich, and as much as i love him and relate to him, i know i've got a leg up on him. i'm not a character in a story written by cynics (well, not literally, at least). i'm not beholden to the story cycle, where everything returns to narrative stasis at the end of every week. my life isn't a story.

unlike erlich, i have people who love me.

(fucking ouch.)

like everyone else in the Real World, i'm just trying to make sense of the ultimately meaningless chaos as best as i can. as played-out as this may sound, i’m the head writer of my own story, while erlich is at the mercy of writing teams and acting contracts.

he is a reflection of reality, not reality itself.

but, on the other hand, god it still stings.

erlich was such a singular character for me--bright and bold and foolish and sad and heartbreakingly relatable. it was hard to see him fall so hard, but i hope--in the same way i hope for myself--that someday, he finds his way.

i'm going to miss him.