#sorry for late reply irl went to shit for a while

[icedmetaltea]

I’d be a wrasses merman

Small -> changes gender -> ftm

Sun is a clownfish for sure

And Moon is an eel.

Kinda wanna fry Moon up and have him on a seafood platter to atone for his crimes

[honeypiehotchner]

My Deep Blue Love (Tom Hiddleston x Fem!Reader) -- Soulmate AU one shot

This was 100% born out of boredom and loneliness and those damn Soulmate AU POV Tiktoks that I have seen practically 24/7 for the past WEEK on my fyp

(I’m not sure if I’ll do a part 2, rn I have no plans for it)

quick note on the technicality of this one: you lose all ability to see colors when you turn 12 and you don’t regain the ability until you meet your soulmate. but! you have to meet them in person and it has to be a mutual eye contact. pictures/videos of them don’t work, and if you just saw the back of their head or something in person, that doesn’t work either. it’s all about the shared eye contact babeyyy

small disclaimer: Brie Larson is mentioned in here and she has a wife, but that is very much only in this fic, and as far as i know Brie doesn’t have a wife irl lol (i also don’t know if she’s spoken about her sexuality at all so what i’m saying is take it with a grain of salt ok)

Summary: Everyone around you is meeting their soulmate, but you still see in black and white. You’re ready to give up, and basically have, when you lock eyes with your soulmate.

Warnings: None! Just a bit of angst, lots of fluff toward the end 

You knock on your mom’s bedroom door at 4:58am. She’s already awake, sitting up in bed, ushering you over.

With tears in your eyes, you crawl onto her bed, snuggling close to her chest.

“I don’t want to lose my colors,” you whimper.

“I know, baby,” she whispers, kissing the top of your head. “It’s okay.”

You were born 12 years ago on this day at 5:08am, so in a few short minutes, when you officially turn 12 years old, all color will drain from your life.

Or the colors could stay, but that’s only if you’ve somehow already met your soulmate. And that’s rare, nearly impossible.

You squeeze your eyes shut at 5:07 and you don’t open them again until 5:10.

The colors are gone.

+++

twenty years later

You sigh heavily as you receive yet another wedding invite. You are invited to witness the official beginning of Olivia and Jeffrey’s lives together as husband and wife, soulmates for all of time.

The glitter sticks to your fingertips, tiny black dots against your skin. Your friend told you it’s gold. You barely remember what that looks like.

Lately it seems like everyone has been meeting their soulmate. Just yesterday, you were having coffee with a friend when she looked up at the girl sitting behind you, and boom.

“It’s like the world just exploded,” she had said. Colors were everywhere. She immediately left you to go talk to the girl.

You don’t blame her for that. If you had met your soulmate, you probably would’ve done the same thing. But you can’t say for sure because you don’t know.

You wouldn’t be so cynical of it all if your boyfriend of five years didn’t meet his soulmate while the two of you were out at dinner. You wish you could say that he was faking it. But it was clear from his face (and the girl’s) that he wasn’t kidding. It was real. He had met his soulmate, and it wasn’t you.

It’s never you.

You’ve had guys cut off dates before they even start, all because they didn’t see colors when they laid their eyes on you. They refuse to even be friends with you.

All anyone is doing anymore is searching for a soulmate and it’s exhausting when none of them are yours. When all of your friends see color now. When everyone assures you that it’ll happen soon. What does soon even mean?

You grab your ice cream from the freezer and fall onto the couch, flicking to whatever channel has late night shows that aren’t complete garbage.

As usual, you find yourself watching a talk show, and tonight Tom Hiddleston is one of the guests.

You’re sort of familiar with him from a few movies, but other than that, you hardly know anything about him.

“So, Tom, we’ve all been wondering what’s going on with you and Brie Larson?”

“Brie?” Tom asks, clearly shocked to hear this question. “We’re just good friends, that’s all.”

“Oh, she doesn’t make you see any colors?”

“Ah, no, actually, she does not,” Tom chuckles, but doesn’t sound sad at all, surprisingly. “Her wife does that for her, not me, I’m afraid.”

“Oh really?” The host brushes past the mention of Brie’s wife and keeps the focus on Tom, of course. “So is that true, you still don’t see color?”

Your ears perk up at the mention of someone else not seeing in color. It’s rare for anyone to talk about this on television. Most celebrities don’t talk about whether or not they’ve found their soulmate, but more often than not, those that have are quite loud about it.

“Yes, that’s true,” Tom answers. “I still see the world in a lovely black and white.”

You snort, harshly jabbing your spoon into your ice cream. Lovely. Yeah, right.

“Do you really think it’s nice? Do you not miss the colors?” The host asks.

“No, no, I do. I do,” Tom admits. “But I like to think I’ll see them when the time is right.”

You groan, going to Google to look up his age. And when you see he’s 40, you groan even louder. He’s older than you and he still hasn’t met his soulmate. That’s just depressing. How can he sound so optimistic?

“Alright, well, if there’s one thing you wish you could tell your soulmate, what would it be? Maybe they’re watching right now, you never know.”

Tom smiles wide. “Maybe, maybe, um… Oh, so many things,” Tom exhales deeply. “I guess I could be cliché and say I can’t wait to meet them and wait for me, but I think I want to say… I think I want to say I understand. It is frustrating, still seeing in black and white, but our paths will cross soon, I’m sure of it. Until then, my eyes are blue.”

Blue. Blue.

You roll your eyes. You don’t even remember what the color looks like.

+++

seven months later

“I am not going to a movie premiere. You’re insane!”

“Please!” Your friend, Catherine, cries. “You’ll love it, I swear.”

You glare at her over your coffee. “That just makes it sound like you have a trick up your sleeve.”

“I don’t,” she says. “I just want you to take advantage of this and come with us! When will you ever have the chance to go to a movie premiere again?”

She has a point. Dammit. “Touché. How did you get tickets, anyway? Please tell me you didn’t spend thousands for this.” You wouldn’t put it past her, even though you tell her not to every time before she does something like this.

“God, no, Joe surprised me with them earlier. He said he went to school with the lead.”

“Oh. Cool. Who?”

“Tom Hiddleston, I think. Have you heard of him? He’s British, but that’s about all I know. Joe just said they ran into each other the other day and reconnected.”

You stop halfway through a sip of coffee, careful to not choke on it. Slowly, you nod. “Yeah. I...I’ve seen him in a couple things.”

“Apparently, he hasn’t met his soulmate either…” Catherine trails away, raising her eyebrows at you.

You roll your eyes. “I heard,” you set your cup down. “He’s probably met them by now though since he blasted it on television like that.”

“Or he’s still searching and you’re still being too cynical.”

“You’re probably right,” you chuckle.

“Sooo, you’ll come?”

You sigh heavily. “As long as you help me pick something to wear.”

+++

“I’m regretting letting you talk me into this already,” you mutter when you nearly trip in your heels.

“Oh, hush,” Catherine swats your arm. “It’s an excuse to get dressed up and look hot for no reason. Take it.”

“Fine.”

Catherine’s soulmate, Joe, was whisked away almost as soon as the three of you stepped inside the venue by some director (you think), but he promised to return in a few minutes. Catherine told him not to worry. She’s used to him being dragged away for conversation. You can see from her face that she’s more proud of him than anything, and not at all annoyed.

Currently, you and Catherine are standing near the small bar, waiting for them to announce that it’s time to take your seats. You desperately want a drink, but part of you knows it would be a bad idea.

One glass of wine can’t hurt, though. Maybe it’ll take your mind off the pain in your feet.

You peel away from Catherine when you see Joe coming back, and you flag the bartender down quickly.

After ordering a glass of white wine, you wait patiently, wishing you had chosen a dress with sleeves. It’s fucking cold in here.

“Darling, you’re shivering, are you alright?”

Your head turns toward the smooth voice, face set and mind trying to decipher whether or not it was a sincere or creepy comment when the world quite literally explodes.

There, standing beside you, concern written all over his face, is Tom Hiddleston. Only now the concern has washed away into awe when your eyes lock with his.

“Oh my god,” he whispers, stumbling even though he’s standing in place.

“Blue,” you murmur. “Your eyes are blue.” Without even thinking or asking, your hand lifts to cup his cheek, and then you pull back, “Shit, sorry—”

But he grabs your wrist gently, placing your palm on his cheek. “It’s alright.” His thumb strokes the back of your hand. “I have been looking everywhere for you.”

“I thought you didn’t exist,” you whisper in reply. But here he is. His eyes are blue, his lips are pink, he has tiny brown freckles all over his rosy cheeks. You look back to his eyes, narrowing your own. “You liar. Your eyes have green in them, too.”

“Do they really?” Tom chuckles. “I never would’ve known.”

“That’s why you have me,” you tease, and you don’t know where any of this is coming from, yet it doesn’t feel like you’re pretending. It feels like you’re finally yourself.

His other hand tangles with yours as he nods. “That’s why I have you, indeed.”

At this time, the lights in the theatre begin lightly flashing, signaling that it’s time for everyone to begin making their way to their seats.

But neither you or Tom move one inch.

The only issue is people are beginning to stare.

You notice it first, so you slowly pull your hand from his cheek. This movement shocks him back to reality, too, and he blinks a few times, yet he doesn’t let go of your hand.

“I, um, I have to make a speech,” he says. “But then I can come back to you. Will you save me a seat?”

“Don’t you have to sit up front?”

He nods. “I do, but—”

“Then I’ll come with you.” You aren’t sure if it’s the fact that he hasn’t let go of your hand yet, or if it’s because you’ve been waiting so long that now you don’t want him to be further than an arms length away from you, but you mean what you say.

“Are you sure?” He asks, but you both need to make a decision quickly because you can see someone waving from the wings, most likely trying to get Tom’s attention.

“I’m sure.”

He doesn’t question it, in fact, he grins, and brings your hand up to his lips, kissing your knuckles. “Let’s go, then.”

[mxqicshxp]

ahh! can i rq an irl wilbur x reader where she accidentally crashes his stream and tommy is like “whos this?” tysm i love ur smau <33

here you go! i tried my best lmao

warnings: swearing

pronouns: she/her

HOLY SHIT A WOMAN??

Wilbur and Tommy were playing some minecraft live and just having fun. They’ve been streaming for about 4 hours now and it was currently about 2 am. Since you have to get up early tomorrow for work/school, you went to bed a bit earlier than normally, but since they were pretty loud you got woken up by the yelling. All groggy and sleepy you turned your phone on to see what time it is. Seeing that it was 2am you groaned and tried to ignore the loud laughs coming from your boyfriends filming studio. After some time you realized that was practically impossible and decided to tell him to be quiet. Quietly knocking on the door, you peeked your head in. Wilbur looked at you and clicked to mute himself, but that didn't exactly work.. “Wil, can you be a bit quieter, it's pretty late right now.” you said to him. He looked at the clock and saw that it was indeed late. “I'm sorry, darling, i'll get off now, let me just tell Tommy i have to go.” he replied. You just nodded and stood there waiting for him so you could both go to bed. Wilbur looked back to his screen and as he wanted to unmute, he saw that he was never muted in the first place. “HOLY SHIT WILBUR WAS THAT A WOMAN???” Tommy screamed while laughing. “Fuck.” Wilbur whispered while putting his hands on his face. “WILBUR LET ME MEET THE WOMAN” Tommy screamed once again. Wilbur looked at you and reached his hand out for you to take. “Come here, love, the child wants to meet you. So does the chat” He said while looking at you. You came over to him and he pulled you to sit on his lap and placed his head on your shoulder while handing you his headphones. “Hello, im y/n” you said quietly. “MIMIMIMIMI HELLO WOMAN I AM TOMMY WILBYS BEST FRIEND” Tommy said, and because of his volume Wilbur heard him. “Did you just call me Wilby?” Wil asked the younger while you laughed. “No.. ANYWAY WOMAN POG” Tommy said. That made you laugh. “Ok that was enough we have to go now, since it's late here, but can we get some pogchamps in the chat for y/n?” Wil asked his chat. Instantly a bunch of pogchamps flooded the chat with compliments. “Alright, thanks chat. I'll see you guys soon. Tommy ill talk to you tomorrow. Bye.” He said as he completely turned his computer off. He then picked you up and carried you to the bedroom. He got changed and joined you in bed.“I'm glad we finally revealed our relationship, even tho this wasn't the way I planned to do it.” he said while smiling at you. “Me too, bub.” you replied. “Goodnight, love” he said while kissing your forehead. “Night, Wil.” You said and cuddled into him while dozing off to sleep.

[tessisawriter]

Invisible String, Part 1 (Colton Parayko)

Request: Can you write an imagine where the reader is John Krasinski’s [niece] but she’s dating Colton Parayko and like she has to breaks the news and John acts mad or something and scares them but then he says he’s joking and he’s fine with it? Thanks

***NOTE***: I changed some details in the last scene b/c I moved the timeline up from October 7 to September 14.

A/N: I’m back! The protagonist is an OC but I decided to call her Y/N instead of giving her an actual name b/c John Krasinski has nieces and/or nephews irl. I already planned the entire plot but idk whether the series will be 2 or 3 parts—I’ll post an update when I know more. This series takes place from March 2018 to June 2019 and is loosely based on Taylor Swift’s “Invisible String.” Here is the playlist.

Warnings: Six swear words, rough breakup, alcohol, loneliness & homesickness

Word Count: 3.4k

March 21, 2018

You were impervious to the mix of pitying and derisive glances from passersby as you sat on the curb. You knew you looked like a cliché, crying in front of a restaurant because your boyfriend broke up with you on your 22nd birthday, but you didn’t care. One question gnawed at you: how had six words upended your seemingly perfect day and relationship?

Your brain was buzzing with activity, wondering if Max had given you any clues that something was amiss. This morning, you woke up in his Cambridge apartment to him singing “Happy Birthday” while kneeling at the side of the bed. As soon as Max finished singing, he kissed you before grabbing his backpack and hurrying out of the room. That didn’t mean anything, though: Max was one of the only seniors to have the misfortune of taking all morning classes because his major was Theater, Dance, and Media. He was also (as usual) running late.

The rest of the day unfolded like any other Wednesday as you followed your schedule of lounging in bed, studying for an hour, going to the sandwich shop across the street for lunch, and heading to campus at 1PM for your classes. Afterwards, you went back to the apartment to find Max waiting there, already dressed for dinner. You quickly showered, curled your long (Y/HC) hair, and changed into a dark green dress and black booties before taking his hand and going to an Italian restaurant in Boston’s North End.

There were no warning signs at dinner, either. In fact, everything was perfect until you were waiting for the check and Max said with a detached look in his eyes, “I think we should break up.”

You didn’t want to relive what happened next, but the images of you acting like Elle Woods when Warner broke up with her in Legally Blonde popped into your head unbidden. You closed your eyes in humiliation and shame as you remembered Max, the man you dated for three years, abandoning you at the table and fleeing the restaurant. The other customers stared at you, some sympathetic, others scandalized, and the rest in pure shock.

You snapped out of the flashback when you felt a large hand rest on your shoulder. You whipped your head around to find a young man with blonde hair and black rimmed glasses squatting next to you on the curb.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

The panic faded as you took in the man’s features. He was definitely in his 20s, probably a few years older than you, and his blue eyes were filled with concern. Something about that concern, though, made you snap.

“Do I look like I’m okay? I mean, come on, look at me!” you demanded while pointing at your face, which you (correctly) assumed had giant black streaks of mascara on it.

You fully expected the man to walk away and leave you be, but he sat down on the curb instead and said, “My bad, that was a stupid question. I’ve got some tissues if you want them?”

That made your attitude soften. He was only trying to help, so you nodded and he handed you a pack of tissues from his pocket. You smiled at him, took the tissues, and wiped your eyes and face. As soon as you were satisfied that they were clean, you broke the silence. “Thank you…?”

“Colton, and it’s no problem. What’s your name?”

“Y/N.” You held out your hand for him to shake, which he did. After a pause, you asked: “Why did you stop? Surely you have somewhere better to be tonight.”

He chuckled, and the sound of it made your heart flutter. “I was just heading back to my hotel when I saw you, and I figured I’d stop and make sure you get home safe. That is, assuming you live here?”

“Yeah, I live in Cambridge.” As soon as the words left your mouth, you realized they were no longer true, so you amended your statement. “Well, I lived in Cambridge until about 15 minutes ago when my now ex-boyfriend dumped me. On my fucking birthday.”

“Shit, that sucks. I’m really sorry.” He paused before adding, “I’m assuming he isn’t here.”

“Nope. He hightailed it out of the restaurant as soon as he got his credit card back.”

Colton shook his head. “What a jackass.”

“I know, right? I wasted three whole years with someone who not only broke up with me in a very public setting on my birthday, but also couldn’t be bothered to ask where I would go! He probably assumed I’d go to my parents’ house, but still.”

“Your parents live here?” Colton asked as he fished his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it.

“Yeah, right by Boston Common, why?”

“I’ll get an Uber and drop you off before going back to the hotel.”

“Oh no, you don’t have to do that,” you protested while going through your bag for your phone. “We just met! I’ll pay.”

“Nonsense. You’ve been through a lot tonight. Let me take care of it.”

You stared into Colton’s eyes and realized he wasn’t going to back down. It took everything in you to suppress your pride, thank him, and provide the address. Colton typed it into his phone, waited for a moment, and said, “The closest one is around the block.”

“That’s good.” Your burst of energy dissipated as quickly as it came, and you fell silent. From the corner of your eye, you saw Colton open his mouth as if to say something before the headlights of a car momentarily blinded you.

“That’s the Uber.” Colton stood up and offered his hand, and you took it. You couldn’t help but notice how well they fit together as he pulled you up and off the curb, but after regaining your balance, something else grabbed your attention: his height.

“Gee, how tall are you? No one’s ever made me feel like a dwarf before,” you joked as he led you to the car, your hands still intertwined.

He chuckled and opened the door for you. You let go of his hand and slid into the car. After Colton slid in next to you and shut the door, he replied, “I’m 6’6” and no one’s ever made me feel like I’m not a giant before. You’re what, 5’10”?”

“6 feet, actually,” you corrected him. “So, where are you from, Colton?”

“St. Albert; it’s just outside Edmonton in Canada, but I’ve been in the States for a while. I went to the University of Alaska in Fairbanks before moving to, uh, St. Louis.”

You noticed Colton’s hesitancy and the fact that he lowered his voice when saying “St. Louis,” and you were about to ask why when you thought better of it. You were protective of your privacy, too, especially whenever people commented about how funny it was that you shared the same last name as John Krasinski. It wasn’t a coincidence—he was your uncle, and the two of you were extremely close—but you went along with it and never corrected them because it wasn’t their business. So, you let it go. “And what brings you to Boston?”

“Work,” he said before changing the subject. “What do you do? Are you still in school or—”

“I’m a senior at Harvard,” you cut him off. You generally didn’t drop the “H-bomb,” as you and your friends called it, with people you didn’t know well, but this was a special case. Colton just confirmed he was hiding something, and after looking at him in better lighting, his face seemed familiar, which weirded you out. You had to get back on equal footing, and the H-bomb almost always unsettled people.

“Wow, you must be really smart,” Colton said, seeming impressed but unphased. You couldn’t help yourself from raising an eyebrow as he asked, “What’s your major?”

“Government. What was yours?”

“Business administration.”

“Ah.” You fell silent again, this time on purpose, as you racked your brain for where you might have crossed paths with Colton. He wasn’t from Boston, not even close, but you couldn’t shake the feeling that you’d seen him before, and recently.

Colton didn’t let you ruminate for long before reviving the conversation. “What do you want to do when you graduate?”

“I’ll be a lawyer one day, but I have to be a paralegal first. I’m looking for jobs right now.”

Before Colton could reply, the car came to a stop. You looked out the window and saw your parents’ townhouse and your childhood home.Your time in the car had flown by, a sensation you rarely, if ever, experienced. And there was something between you and Colton, a connection you couldn’t quite describe, that made you want to spend more time with him. But your time was up. “This is me. It was nice to meet you, Colton, and thanks again for the ride—I really appreciate it.”

“It’s no problem,” he replied. “I’m glad I found you.”

You were overwhelmed by an intense desire to ask for his number. If only he lived in Boston or somewhere in the Northeast. But he lived in St. Louis, so you moved to open the door, only to feel Colton’s hand wrap around yours and hear him say: “Y/N?”

“Yeah?” You turned around and locked eyes with him. It was like being in a trance, and your heartbeat thundered in your ears.

It felt like years, but it was more like a few moments before Colton let go of your hand. “Good luck with the search. I’m sure you’ll find a good job.”

You wanted to let out a sigh of disappointment, but you just said, “Thanks,” and smiled at him before getting out of the car.

***************

The smell of bacon finally lured you out of your bed at noon the next day.

It had been a rough night. The reality of the breakup hit you like a ton of bricks when you rang the doorbell and all but collapsed in your mom’s arms when she answered the door. She brought you over to the couch, where your dad was waiting anxiously. As soon as you sat down, you grabbed your mom and cried for an hour straight as she held you and stroked your hair. You knew Max wasn’t worth your tears, but it had more to do with you. Despite his major, he wasn’t that good of an actor, and yet, he fooled you into thinking he could be your person. You took immense pride in your instincts, but they failed you with Max. How could you have possibly fallen in love with such a heartless person? More terrifying, would you have ended up marrying him a few years down the road if he hadn’t broken up with you?

You didn’t know the answer to either question, so you stopped crying and began venting about how the breakup went down. Your dad almost hit the ceiling after hearing that Max left you at the restaurant, and you had to talk him out of driving to Cambridge to “give that little shit a piece of my mind!” That wasn’t to say you weren’t thinking about revenge, but your dad potentially getting arrested was not helpful. After that, you started crying again, only this time out of frustration, and didn’t stop until you practically passed out on the couch. The last thing you remembered was your parents guiding you up the stairs to your bed.

Thankfully, you had no classes on Thursdays, so you were able to sleep in and be, if nothing else, well-rested. Your stomach rumbled when you smelled the bacon, so you got out of bed and made your way down the stairs to the kitchen, where your parents were sitting at the table and watching the television.

“Ugh, why are you watching the news?” you said as a way of greeting while making a beeline for the bacon.

“Good morning to you, too, sweetheart,” your dad replied. “I’m waiting for the sports report. I missed the game last night and Uncle John wouldn’t tell me the score. He said he’s sorry about, I quote, ‘the scumbag’ and he’ll call you tonight.”

“God, I miss him. And you,” you addressed your mom as you shoveled a load of bacon onto your plate, “are the best.”

“See, honey? I knew bacon would cheer her up,” she said to your dad.

“I didn’t doubt it. Y/N, we have to figure out a time to get your stuff from that piece of shit’s apartment. I’m not letting you go by yourself, but do you want to let him know ahead of time or just show up?”

“Who did the B’s play?” you sat down at the table and changed the subject immediately. You didn’t care about sports, but your dad and Uncle John were major Bruins fans and the mere mention of Max gave you a headache.

“The Blues.”

“Where do they play again?” you asked as you ate your bacon. It had to be a team from the Western Conference, but the only teams you knew there were the Canucks and Blackhawks because they were on your dad’s shit list.

“St. Louis.”

You almost choked on your food. “What?”

“St. Louis, sweetie. You know, the Gateway Arch—”

“Yeah, I know, Mom,” you recovered. “That’s the team Jenna likes, right, Dad?”

“Yes. Shh, here it is!” He didn’t need to tell you twice; you doubted Colton was a professional hockey player, but your curiosity won out as you intently watched the television.

The score flashed on the screen—an OT loss for the Bruins—and your dad groaned. “Ugh, I’ve got to turn this garbage off.”

And suddenly, a few Blues players, including one that looked awfully similar to Colton (albeit without glasses), flashed onto the screen. You didn’t get a good enough look at him to be sure, though, because your dad changed the channel. You let out a noise of frustration.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” your mom asked, and your dad looked like he had the same question when he turned away from the television.

“I’ll text the scumbag and tell him I’m coming this afternoon, if that’s okay with you, Dad,” you said. “I want to get it over with and besides, I need my laptop and textbooks.”

“That’s perfect, sweetheart. The office doesn’t need me today, anyway.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back; my phone’s upstairs,” you called out behind you as you raced back up the stairs. You did not want to text Max, but it was better than telling your dad that the man he praised for making sure you got home last night was potentially part of the team responsible for his beloved Bruins’ loss.

You locked your bedroom door and grabbed your phone to pull up Google and the St. Louis Blues roster. Part of you thought there was no way a professional hockey player actually cared enough to bring you home, but the Blues being in town and one of its members resembling Colton were too many coincidences for your liking. You tapped your foot impatiently as the phone loaded the roster, and you scrolled through the list until you found a name of interest.

“C. Parayko, 55, R, 6’6’’…”

It cut off after that, so you scrolled sideways to see the other information. It left you without a shadow of doubt, but you clicked on the name anyway to view a picture. Colton’s headshot and full first name stared back at you as if they were looking into your soul.

It really was him. You had to have seen him on the little television at the sandwich shop’s register yesterday.

But what did this information mean for you, really, besides discovering his identity? It was nice to know his full name because it confirmed that he was a real person instead of a delusion your reeling mind made up, but it didn’t change one important fact: you lived in Boston and he lived in St. Louis. Barring a radical change in one of your lives, which you didn’t see happening, that was the reality of the situation. It was time to stop dreaming and confront your immediate future.

You pulled up Max’s number and began composing the text which, after several drafts, read: “I’ll be at the apartment today from 3 to 5. My dad’s coming with me, so make yourself scarce. I want my shit back.”

***************

6 months later: September 14, 2018

You were miserable only two weeks after relocating to St. Louis.

It was funny how one phone call could completely change someone’s life. In your case, said phone call involved an extremely attractive job offer with a clear path for advancement within one year. The offers you had received from legal firms in Boston, New York, D.C., and Philadelphia were underwhelming, to say the least, and you were only a week away from graduation. You had already endured a lot of change this year, so why not one more?

After nearly giving your parents a heart attack but ultimately receiving their blessing, you accepted the offer and moved to St. Louis on September 1st. Uncle John had been especially supportive, enlisting Jenna (known by the rest of the world as Pam from The Office) to fly out from L.A. and show you around the city last week. She made sure you knew the ins and outs of the city, which you really appreciated. You also loved your job. You were doing important work every day, and your boss was already hinting at giving you the promotion you wanted. 

So, why were you unhappy? It was your social life, or rather, lack of one. You didn’t know anyone in St. Louis, and while your coworkers weren’t mean, they didn’t make you feel welcome, either.

That seemed to have changed earlier today when two of your desk neighbors who were around your age, Harper and Ellie, invited you out for drinks after work. You couldn’t have been happier. You went home after work, did your hair and makeup, put on your favorite royal blue mini dress, and met them at the dive bar you recommended. You were so excited on the way over that you could barely sit still; maybe you’d make friends with these girls and finally feel like you fit in in this city.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Harper and Ellie abandoned you within less than five minutes after two guys came over and asked them to dance. You were now sitting at the bar alone, nursing a cocktail and despairing over your situation.

It was times like these when you thought about Colton. It had been six months since you’d met him in Boston, and you didn’t want to risk looking like a lunatic by slipping into his DMs on Instagram, but you were getting desperate. It was bad enough that being from the Northeast made you stick out like a sore thumb, but the loneliness was eating you alive, and the combination made you feel unmoored. Maybe a familiar and friendly face could change that.

As if God had answered your prayers, you heard a commotion near the entrance. You swiveled your stool in that direction and saw a group of tall, good-looking men in their 20s entering the bar. The tallest one had blonde hair and black rimmed glasses.

It was Colton.

Your brain screamed at you to look away and approach him after he settled in, but you couldn’t take your eyes off of him as he laughed at something one of his friends said. It was as if he felt your stare because he suddenly looked in your direction and appeared to gasp.

It was only then that you turned away and faced the bar, drinking the rest of your cocktail in a few gulps. You were so embarrassed; he probably thought you were a stalker or something. You were about to flag down the bartender for another drink when you felt that familiar large hand rest on your shoulder.

You turned your head and found Colton staring at you, his blue eyes full of incredulity and…happiness?

“Y/N. It’s really you,” he breathed.

[ladyvesuvia]

✧˖°࿐ 🍾 okay ves, this is not exactly a crush but rather a good friend of mine who I thought I liked for a little while (and may have, but not anymore), but circumstances and bad timing have made it clear that nothing will happen (and he has too... rip 🤟). but i was telling the story in the tags of my last post & i need to tell someone! he's a very funny guy and we're bickering all. the. time. like we genuinely barely talk in any way that's not back-and-forth banter to the point that our mutual friends changed his discord name to 'clara's lover' because of how much of an old couple we seem lmfao. but we do have heartfelt conversations when we're kinda... smashed at parties lol and it's like 4am and everyone is passed out and we're quietly talking and i've come to find out he's genuinely dedicated. like i didn't expect it from him but he's very sweet and attentive in his own ways - he's the only one who noticed i was Feeling Bad and checked on me, went to all the lengths possible to care for a friend of ours when she fell and hit her head... just an all-around surprisingly sweet and dedicated guy? and one time we were outside, it was 3am, i had stepped out to look at the stars cause they're my happy place when i'm down and i was feeling like shit lowkey. and he came outside with a few friends and i just started rambling about the stars and planets and constellations and how much i love them, and i was like, "i'm being so boring rn omg" but he just said that it was so cool i knew all of this? and that he didn't find it boring at all but rather loved it? space is super important to me so i was like <3 i feel Loved and Validated right this instant. later on we all laid on deckchairs and we were talking (with 2 other friends, we were 4 in total) and i remember drifting off to sleep in the middle of the conversation (at that point it must've been 4-4:30am) so it's all very hazy but they thought i was asleep and when it was time to get back inside he said, "i could carry her to her room" and i was like DO I PRETEND I'M ASLEEP SO HE DOES,,, and i was this close but they shook me a bit and so i woke up for real lol but it was one of the sweetest nights in my life and the moment i felt the most closure to all my friends and him in particular. rereading this it sounds like i am whipped for the guy but i'm really not, he's a sincerely good friend and we wouldn't work together romantically anyway so i backed down and i prefer it this way. but yeah this was my hot girl summer little romance daydream ♡ THIS WAS SO LONG SORRY AND IM GONNA HIDE BC WHAT IF SOMEONE I KNOW IRL SEES THIS

OMFG BABE I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN I SAW THIS I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS TODAY BECAUSE I’M IN KINDA THE SAME PLACE

he sounds so amazing!!! 😔 the clara’s lover is just so sweet and made me blush wtf ma’am you’re y/n right now- this felt so fun to read istg and him validating what you’re passionate about??? I LOVE HIM ALREADY AAAAAAAAA

HE’S JUST- AGH READING THIS GAVE ME BUTTERFLIES IN THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE!!! the late night talks- 🤧✋🏻 i want this omg a book based on this would be perfect xx

THE I COULD CARRY HER TO HER ROOM OMFG MA’AM I’D SAY MARRY HIM BUT- HSCNFJJRIWA IDK WHAT TO SAY EVEN JUST HE SOUNDS SO GREAT HE SOUNDS FICTIONAL BUT LIKE IN THE BEST WAY like he’s that one fictional character you want to come to life???? agh i have so many questions like do you guys still talk? are you still friends? is his discord nick still clara’s lover? does he like you? did- I JUST HAVE SO MANY PLS DON’T FEEL SHY TO KEEP SENDING THESE IN BECAUSE I’M NOSY AND THIS IS SO ENTHUSIASTICALLY THRILLING TO ME I GET SO EXCITED BUT WHY NOT ANYMORE :<<<

YOU SHOULD HAVE PRETENDED YOU WERE ASLEEP OMFG I KNOW I WOULD HAVE DONE SO AHAHAHAHAJAJJAWJ wym hot girl summer bESTIE THAT’S MAIN GIRL COMING OF AGE AESTHETIC LOVE STORY THAT DESERVES A HAPPILY EVER AFTER

don’t hide bb this made me want to rant about my similar one omfg u don’t have to read this i just saw a lot of parallels to this and i couldn’t help but sjhdejiw because you saying the “we wouldn’t work out romantically” literally broke me because i feel the same way 😔

i know i say i love angst a lot but damn it why can’t things just be easy and always have a happily ever after?2!/&2@ i told him about writing and he literally said that it’s cool and that i’m good at what i do omfg this guy!!:!:&2 AND WE ALSO HAVE LATE NIGHT TALKS like mostly 12am to 4am just laughing and stuff he’s just someone i feel comfortable with but just imagining what we’d be romantically sounds too unorthodox? idk i mean i do like him and i am in fact head over heels for him but the minute i think about us in the same place that the couples my friends are in, IT FEELS SO STRANGER-Y???

i mean he liked me since 2019 but has been incosistent and he confessed to me on the 31st of december, 2019 BUT I DIDN’T SEE IT OK I WAS JUS TRYNNA REPLY TO PEOPLE HAPPY NEW YEAR and i only saw it like just this june 26 where i replied to it and i said “whatthefuck HAHAHAHA” and he freaked out and said DELETE THAT DELETE THAT hdhdueie idk rlly he’s just so great but i don’t wanna ruin our friendship

PLS THIS FEELS LIKE MIDDLE SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN IDK WHY I’M KINDA ENJOYING IT

[miutonium]

4-8 for the s/i meme! (kittyandco)

Ahhh sorry for the late reply 😭😭😭😭 i swearrrr im busy and i just got swamped 😭😭😭 also I didnt knownif you meant by 4 and 8 or 4 to 8 so I just made 4 to 8 because I have time to kill before sleep :3

what's a song that describes your s/i? even better if you have a playlist!

I think she suits IU's dlwarma the most! She's carefree and she doesn't care about things happening around her!

what is your s/i's profession?

She's a waitress at a diner downtown townsville.

what does your s/i have most in common with you? what's different about them?

The only similiarity would be both of us are waitresses lol

For differences, there's a lot for sure. For one she's hotter than me and personality wise, she is friendly and a lot of people would find her approachable. It have this funny quirky thing called permanent resting bitch face syndrome and it deters anyone from approaching me. I'm also much more awkward irl and I don't talk unless it's necessary for me to do so.

Chloe is more like an opposite of me honestly. Most of my previous s/i is a reflect of me, especially personality wise. So Chloe's is my first time making my s/i more joyful, carefree, optimistic and also friendly as my previous s/i is gloomy and reserved hhhh

if your s/i was an animal, what would they be?

A squirel. There's no reasoning other than her hair curls reminds me of the curls of a squirrel's tail.

how did you get the idea for your s/i's backstory?

My previous s/i has a complicated backstory. It's hard for me to explain about her backstory because wat is ingles and I feel that my backstory isn't as cool and complicated as other's backstory in my previous fandom despite how much I do feel that her backstory is very packed. I don't like the feeling of having to make complicated backstory just so I could relate to other selfshippers in that fandom zzzz.

I'm glad that PPG is pretty much a laid back simple show because I'm not a very creative person and I actually prefer domestic life over being entangled with mafia and shit lol.

With that being said, I actually don't have a heavy backstory for Chloe? Since I'm still working on it (in my head lol you'd think I would ever put it in words) but basically, she came from a lower middle-class family with 6 siblings so she didn't get enough attention growing up since both of her parents work to support her siblings. She moved out at 18 to pursue her studies but while in college she met a rich guy and they ended up dating. She ended up flanking her studies in her early 20s and dropping out since she doesn't bother to study nor go to class and instead went to partying and moved in with the said guy before they broke off and she moved out again to a sketchy small rent house downtown. She ended up taking a job as a waitress at a diner to pay her bills. None of her family knows what's she's doing and she's pretty embarassed to admit that she dropped out of college and tries to keep it a secret from them.

For the conflict, I would say that she would probably feel overwhelmed knowing how much Utonium has accomplished when he was at her age while she has nothing other than a high school diploma. So she always feel doubt about herself not having a higher education and achieve any goals (or havin one actually) despite being in her late 20s and even more so when her boyfriend is pretty successful and has everything someone would ever wanted. She doesn't like the thought of having to rely on Utonium 100% and worked harder to pay for all of her bills and basic necessities to the point of exhaustion. Someone really needs to tell her she can just move into Utonium's house and offer to split the bills and chores without feeling any guilt, she's too hard on herself ;w;

I also feel that the other conflict would be that during her prime years going to parties and clubs, everyone knew her as the wild girl and years later when her friends found out she mellowed down, ended up working at a diner and then settling down with a humble reserved nerd would put her friends off and even more so when they knew the age gap between them.

[noro-noro-noro]

thank u 4 tagging me kiwi ily <3 

1. Why did you choose your url?

one noro & 2 noros were both taken & tokyo ghoul was my big interest when i made my blog. now it’s my brand. i can’t not be noro!!! i wouldn’t recognize myself!!! 

2. Any side blogs?

design inspiration blog @machine-dreams! also my vent blog but we dont need to get into that ❤

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

since like late 2015

4. Do you have a queue tag?

i dont use a queue. fuck it all!! everyone will know when i’m online & when i’m not

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

one of my friends kept asking me to make one so i eventually did 

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

ok well it couldn’t not be noro with this name. then i added the gun to threaten the homies & then i added the crab bc of that giant enemy crab post

7. Why did you choose your header?

i drew it for new years in 2017 & it’s got noro in it & i think it’s my favorite tokyo ghoul fanart that i’d ever done. also i forgot about changing it

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

a post about losing my horse in minecraft that got picked up by mojang-official & then circulated to the minecraft community at large. i think the numps post is in 3rd place. 

9. How many mutuals do you have?

i was really curious so i went through & counted. i have 48 

10. How many followers do you have?

1223

11. How many people do you follow?

384

12. Have you ever made a shit post?

ofc

13. How often do you use tumblr a day?

idk really often i think. i like pictures & funny sentences

14. Did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog?

not really? i think the biggest beef i’ve ever had with someone on tumblr was my old roommate nick & that’s because we hate each other irl. oh wait i remember i was defending that one mp100 fanfic that everyone was making baseless accusations against a few years ago & i got one person calling me a piece of shit child abuser in the notes or something like that, but they blocked me immediately so like idk if that counts? oh there was also one person who followed me a while ago that kept adding snarky & mean replies every time i made a personal post about something i was interested in, so i eventually softblocked them. this sounds like a lot, but these are the only 3 examples that i have over the past 6 years or whatever

15. How do you feel about the ‘you need to reblog’ posts?

depends if it’s funny or not. if it’s not funny it’s annoying & i do not reblog it. hope this helps 

16. Do you like tag games?

YES i love talking about myself!!!!! 

17. Do you like ask games?

i don’t usually get many asks, like it’s 2-3 randomly picked from the same pool of 10 people that interact with me (this recent pokemon thing was an exception), but i like them!!! i think they are cool & fun

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

spitblaze if you are reading this i like your posts & sometimes i go to your streams too & those are fun!!! also tickfleato i think your art & ocs & worlduilding are all SO cool i hope to read all of it someday!!! cryogenic-heat who is big in the off fanart community for their oc shortsen  & tomochingus who used to draw assclass fanart & now draws incredible fma fanart. sorry to namedrop people i just think you are all cool & sometimes i go “wow i can’t believe this person is following me”

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

a while ago ya but i’m normal now  

i’ll tag uhhh @toga-vibes & @pingo1387 & @whatthehaxx & @king-sxmething & @greengargouille. ok swag  ❤  

[herrashmoo]

secondly, im not a tumblr teen. ive been on this website for god knows how long and ive been well versed in queer history. me calling them a pedophile, after a conversation with them resulted in them refusing to admit sexual imagery is not for children, them calling me a bootlicker and several other names, before getting wildly upset and blocking me, had nothing to do with their sexuality and everything to do with the fact that they couldnt tell me sexual imagery is not a thing for minors to consume period end of story. this is AFTER the fact i had been a bit more educated about pride and had ALREADY agreed where i went wrong. now about the sanitization of pride- thats wrong as well. dont get me wrong. but you cant seriously look me in the face and tell me that sexual imagery is not for minors. like- just that statement alone, right? so how is this such a controversy?

ugh okay I guess I’m gonna write A Thing. I’ll get into a proper response to your final questions but first, let’s do some context work.

first thing to make clear is that I know Jux irl, and I also want to make it pretty clear that they and I have pretty similar opinions here, I’m just slightly more likely to put my anger aside to reply to stuff. Do not get it twisted, rhetoric like the kind you were/are using is like, a big red flag for me, it’s the kind of shit reactionaries have been using for eons and like, were I in a less chill mood, I would’ve also likely written you off as a bootlicker troll. Their response was pretty aggressive but not completely misplaced, so I just want to make it clear that like, as another queer dude who is tired of seeing this shit every fucking May for the better part of a decade, I’m also exhausted and pissed off.

As for my claim of teenagerdom, I apologize if that offended, but you have to understand that, generally speaking, the loudest groups having this conversation on the regular are (1) right-wing reactionaries, TERFs, and their ilk trying to stir shit up (see: Operation Pridefall) and (2) young people who don’t have any context for Pride, often haven’t been, and only really have queer politic and history from tumblr and twitter threads featuring reactionary revisionism from the first group. When I see people engage in this conversation, I generally assume they’re in the latter group, as it helps me try to frame my responses in the best faith I can given how tired I am of this shit.

But that aside, sure. Kink isn’t for children. But provided there’s a parent accompanying this hypothetical child at Pride, their job is to explain and provide context for the things they can, and give a solid “you’ll learn more when you’re older” for the things they can’t. The Village People are all each in different kink gear, and as a kid I was told “they like to dress up, and there’s some costumes specifically for adults,” and I was good. I saw bare titties at festivals, smelled weed at concerts, saw bulge at the beach — these are normal human things that happen in the world, and having a responsible adult nearby to explain or provide context for them made them non-issues for me. I don’t think a kid seeing a pup hood is thinking anything more than “oh cool, that dude is dressed up as a dog.” Kids understand fantasy and make-believe. And especially as they age into their teenage years, withholding or sheltering them from knowledge about sex and sexuality can do real damage — hell, we’ve been having that conversation for over a century at least.

(Spring’s Awakening was first published in 1891 and was deeply censored in productions for the better part of a century, due to the content of the work, which is about how sheltering young teens (both straight and queer) from sexual content (and also mental health resources) leads them to try to figure shit out on their own and make catastrophic decisions that they don’t understand the consequences of until it’s too late. Great play, pretty great musical adaptation, wild that we keep rehashing its points like clockwork over a century after publication.)

But I am also of the opinion that Pride isn’t for children, as, while two decades of assimilationist politic would desperately try to argue otherwise, I am queer because I am sexually attracted to, and have sex with, other men. Pride is a response to the criminalization of queer sex acts, and so it is, in turn, a celebration of queer sex acts. So if someone wants to walk around in chaps and a jock, great! If someone wants to wear their pup gear or a harness or a rope tie or a vest, fuck yeah! It’s a space specially carved out for celebrating the queer experience — the original Pride flag (before it was simplified to make it easier to mass produce for profit, which, again, love seeing our culture made into product) had a pink stripe at the very top, specifically representing sexuality. It is, ostensibly, the thing that defines our community (at least the L G and B parts of it) as an outgroup against the mainstream society.

I think that, if you are uncomfortable with kink displays, or you’re uncomfortable with children seeing kink displays, then Pride is not for you or your children! Don’t go! There’s kid-friendly and sanitized versions of Pride in most major cities, do some research into your local/state Stonewall organizations and you can find more about them. But I’m already sick of having actual cops at Pride, I don’t need people who are uncomfortable with displays of sexuality also policing myself or any other queer person in a space they have spent decades carving out for themselves.

A final note — if you don’t understand why a queer person would blow up and completely write off your bullshit after calling them a pedophile, I urge you to do more reading, more listening. I know that in this brave new world of same-sex marriage equality and PrEP access that it’s hard to remember the collective trauma that the community has experienced, but this shit is inflammatory, you’re straight up spewing fightin’ words. The dude wearing a leather harness at Pride isn’t trying to corrupt any youth or fuck any kids, they’re just trying to live their shit, and I’m sorry that you and so many others have somehow decided that that’s an attack on a demographic of people who aren’t the audience for a celebration of sexuality. We’re not fucking pedophiles, and this “think about the kids” nonsense is some Reagan-era bullshit.

[holyfuckthisfishcandrive]

Rent and Grafitti

First, Previous (Chap 19), Ao3

Word count: 1553

Warnings: semi-grafic description of a gory picture

Mum closed the door behind her staring at the ground in front of her.

"Our rent was paid," she said numbly.

"What?" Luan asked surprised.

Janus forced himself to act surprised as well.

"Yes, Mx Johnas said it was paid a few days ago. He was confused when I tried to ask him for a little more time to get the money together."

Janus managed not to smile proudly. He had faked Mum's handwriting for the letter, even if he hadn't actually signed it. Their landlord knew Mum's handwriting. He had learned to fake both handwritings and signatures in English five years ago.

It was a far more useful skill than most people thought.

While he and Luan prepared dinner Mum and Luan continued talking about the mysterious bill payer until a phone beeped in their bedroom and Mum left to check whose it was.

"I'm not sure why," Luan spoke quietly, clearly not meaning for Mum to hear him, "but I have the feeling you have something to do with this."

Janus froze for a split second.

"What makes you think that?" he asked. "Where would I even get that kind of money from? I don't even have a job."

Luan shrugged.

"I don't know. I don't know how you spend your free time. Maybe you picked it up after that heist? Maybe you found a different way to earn money. You're a clever kid. I wouldn't put it past you."

"I didn't do anything though," Janus lied.

"Alright, I didn't mean to accuse you of anything."

"Babe?" Mum called from the bedroom. "Your boss is calling."

Luan dropped his head with a sigh before pushing off the counter to leave the room.

Janus took over the pan and mum came back into the kitchen.

"How was your day, anyway?" she asked. "Did you meet up with any friends?"

For a moment he contemplated lying but he decided to be honest with her for once. She deserved to know at least something about his life.

"No, I had detention."

"What? Why? What happened?"

"Mr Heller called this trans guy in my Latin class a girl and a fake boy so I called him out on it."

"And he gave you detention?"

Janus nodded not looking at her.

Mum put a hand on his shoulder.

"You know you were in the right anyway, don't you?" she asked, pride in her voice.

Janus smiled up at her. "Yeah, of course, I do."

Mum pulled him close in a one-armed embrace. "How did I end up with the best son in the world, huh? I'm sorry I've been so busy lately."

"It's fine," Janus said. "I'm old enough to take care of myself."

She was quiet for a moment.

"That's what I'm afraid off," he caught her whispering before she went to set the table.

Luan came back in a little later saying that his boss had ordered him to come immediately and that they shouldn't wait for him to eat. He looked as done as possible with the world as he put his coat back on but Janus knew that his boss wouldn't ever get to see that glare.

Mum turned on the TV saying that maybe 'those thieves' had struck again and they could pick up a bit of cash if it was nearby. Janus chuckled knowing full well that this wouldn't be the case.

It had almost been a month since their bank robbery and he and Virgil had more plans already but it'd take time. They couldn't risk getting arrested, running into some supervillain, accidentally making the mafia their enemy or running intro Heartrate and his sidekicks. Neither of them were fighters after all.

At least as far as Janus was aware. At this point, he doubted anything about Virgil could surprise him anymore.

Mum switched through the channels until she finally found the news.

Some guy Janus didn't recognize had died at the age of 78 and Mum told him that he had been hot when she had been young.

"And- this just in - Professor Logic is on his second heist this month!"

That caught Janus' attention. Prof Logic wasn't the type to conduct heists often.

Security footage of the inside of the Central Bank showed Logic shoving a man towards a vault with a gun to his back. The man shook as he began opening the vault. The Professor looked up as if something had caught his attention before turning towards the camera. It looked like someone had brought it to his attention even though there was no one there with him. He aimed and the footage cut off.

After dinner, Janus helped Mum clean up the kitchen and she went to bed.

Janus let his pet snakes, Deklan and Desmund out of their cage and let them drape over him as he sat down on his bed and picked up his phone.

Four unread messages.

Two from the girl he was assigned to do a presentation with asking when and where they should meet up to work on it which he didn't even open so she wouldn't know he had read them - he didn't feel like texting her back - and two from Virgil he opened without hesitation.

The first was a badly lit picture of a graffiti of head, detached from the neck, with what looked like blood dripping down and something he couldn't really make out in the left eye. The second was a single question mark.

Janus didn't need more to understand what Virgil wanted to know.

 Looks cool

 What's with the eye?

He waited if Virgil would respond for a few minutes and left the messenger app to go to his browser - oh.

He had forgotten what he had looked u earlier.

The colours of the nonbinary pride flag illuminated his face - or was it their face?

"They," Janus whispered, trying to picture someone using the pronoun. "Their name is Janus."

They sat up and pet Desmund, letting their fingers slide over her smooth scales.

'They' sounded nice.

It made Janus smile.

But did that really mean that Janus was nonbinary?

'He' didn't exactly feel bad after all. Just not as good as 'they'.

With a sigh Janus began to scroll through different posts made by nonbinary people, scanning most of them only briefly and dropping a like here and there on the ones that came so close to home it was almost weird and a few nice artworks.

 It's okay if it's just a phase.

The phrase was in the same font, in the same colour as everything around it but it made Janus freeze, thumb on the screen, ready to scroll on.

Instead, Janus read the post.

The message was simple.

That is was fine to experiment with pronouns, labels and names, even if you came to the conclusion that you were cis the entire time. At the end was a smiley face and the words that had stopped Janus.

 It's okay if it's just a phase.

"They," Janus whispered again and clicked on the comment button.

 Thank you

Then they switched back to their messenger app.

Virgil was online and had read the texts but not replied yet. Not that it mattered.

 Can you meet me at Winblae by the park in 15?

Janus hesitated before sending, watching the 'Typing...' blink in and out of existence next to Virgil's contact name before finally tapping the small blue button.

The two arrows turned blue right away.

The 'Typing...' disappeared again.

 sure

 emergency?

Janus couldn't help a small smile.

 no, just need to talk to you irl

They brought their snakes back to their cages and noticed that their fingers were shaking slightly.

Virgil wouldn't mind, right? He wasn't transphobic. Or enbyphobic... right?

They took a deep breath, grabbed their jacket and climbed out of the window.

They would be fine.

It was just a coming out.

To their best friend.

It would be fine.

Virgil was already at the park when Janus got there.

He sat on a swing and stared into the cloudy sky.

Janus took a seat on the one next to him.

"So, what's up?" Virgil asked, looking at them. "Did something happen?"

Janus took a breath and let it out watching it turn into fog in the cold air.

"Kind of," they began. "Nothing bad though, don't worry. At least I don't think it's bad. I just... I've been thinking lately..."

"A dangerous past time," Virgil commented and it startled a chuckle out of them.

"I think... I think I might not be a boy," Janus finally managed to say.

Virgil was quiet for a moment.

"Are you... something else?" he then asked.

"I'm not sure but I think I might be nonbinary."

The statement hung in the air between them and Janus wished they could take it back and stuff it down, deep down so it'd never reach the outside world.

"Do you want me to call you by different pronouns then?" Virgil asked.

"Maybe they/them?"

"Okay," Virgil nodded to himself. "A different name?"

Janus felt a weight fall of their chest.

"No, I think Janus is fine."

Virgil smiled at them.

"Okay," he said.

Yeah, this was fine.

"So, where did you spray that head?" Janus asked. "Because the pic was shit."

Next

Taglist:

@patton-cake , @isabelle-stars

[water--gang]

HI LOVE IM HERE SORRY IM LATE I HAD A WEEK IF U KNOW WHAT I MEAN

LOOK ITS A HUG

LOVE YOU ALSO I HAVE ICE CREAM

Only QUALITY in this house my sweet look how Epic and Zesty these look I low key want ice cream 🥺

Also NO WORRIES ON A LATE REPLY I fully understand that ur busy and stressed, I don’t have a problem with that!!

I’m sorry life hasn’t been treating u well :(( I hope the upcoming holidays will do their part in letting you breathe and feel better!! If nothing in particular has made u smile, that’s fine!! Though it might make you feel better to start paying attention to those things, as scarce as they might be. Maybe they’ll help cheer you up at some point! I know you made me smile a lot while I was in the UK and it really helped keep me going a lot!! You matter and I’m sure that you’ll find reasons to smile soon! You better or life can catch these hands fr I’m smol and as intimidating as a swarm of butterflies bUT that shan’t stop me and it WONT

and please make sure to get rested!!! Again I hope the break will give you more opportunities for sleep and I understand how tough that can be but I’ll cheer for you anyway!

And bc you asked, I’m doing okay! My assessments got a new due date for June so I have the weeks before the second semester to get some rest myself, and my cats bc I got CATS AND THEYRE AMAZING AND I LOVE THEM have been a big comfort to me!! I love them so muc 😭😭 and while my mental health is still on the brink, I’m in a better place now- so that’s good!! I’m seeing a counselor too now! I have a session tomorrow actually!! I got him to listen to seventeen dude I can’t he’s like in his 50’s right and I got him to listen to kpop he’s so wholesome 😭

BUT THIS IS ABOUT U

I saw ur post! Thank you for taking care in letting me know! I also won’t judge u if u like dreamsmp if that’s what ur referring too, I don’t watch it myself but I can definitely see how funny it is, I love watching quackity lmao he’s in it I think lmao

I’ve been referring to you as they/them since i saw ur bio (i talk about u to my two irl friends lmao) but thank you for letting me know!! I’m happy to use ur preferred pronouns, and if they change for any reason just lemme know and I’ll respect that too!!

LOVE YOU, I HOPE YOURE DOING OKAY AND THAT YOU’LL GET BETTER SOON ❤️❤️❤️ YOU DESERVE TO FEEL BETTER AND TO GET GOOD THINGS IN LIVE LOVE, PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF (you’ve been doing an amazing job!! Please keep it up I’m really proud of you!!) 💖💖💖

hey you never have to apologize for that yea? cause i mean look at me, i take fucken ages to respond

thank you for the hug, love!! consider me sending two right back:)) <3

ahhahaha daaaamn Three ice creams? what did I do to deserve so many

heh you say that yet you yourself apologize, let's just make a deal to not apologize for any of our late replies okay? cause we both can be stressed and busy and tired and who knows what and that's fine

i don't remember what holidays you meant but I'll go ahead and assume i was semi okay during those and then went right back to being fucked jdnfnd thank you tho:')

aww... i did? really? that's... that's really sweet. that makes me happy:') I'm glad i could do that

ahhahahaha looks like life has some hands incoming! and hey maybe life is afraid of insects and such in which case a swarm of butterflies would be terrifying, especially when it's coming straight at ya

awwwww you got cats!!!! what are their names??? awhh I'm glad you have them:'))

ohh glad to hear that! i hope your sessions have been going well and you've converted him into a proper kpop stan ahahah no but really i hope they're helping and you've managed to stay in a good place cause that's the least you deserve after enduring so much shit

you're welcome! you're my friend so I wanted you to know, yea hahah. aw what you've been talking about me to your friends??? ..... i don't know why that makes me so soft, i just.... didn't think anyone would consider me interesting enough to talk to other people about ahah thank you:') also i didn't think anyone would notice the change in my bio so the fact that you did and have been referring to me as such makes me really happy:'))) thank you so much, thank you for being so supportive and accepting <3 (fun fact, i got a haircut hehe i went from long hair to super short and honestly it feels so much more like me:') )

yep! i was in fact referring to the dream smp hahah, I'm... I'm deep in the dsmp hole jdnxkd all i know is sleep eat and watch dsmp ahahhah it's like really angsty as well tho, not just funny, i have cried multiple times watching it:)) ah yess quackity is one of the members! i recently watched his outlast vods

:')

can I just give you a big ol'

<3

heart, since i can't give you a hug, i am very upset it can't get bigger but we gotta make do with what we got, just imagine it's much much bigger altho that wouldn't capture all my appreciation and love anyway

unfortunately I'm bad with words so just: thank you. love you. i care about you and i hope you're doing well or will be soon. i appreciate every word you tell me. thank you so much. take care of yourself as well <3 thank you

— admin

[breakingsomething]

october tenth - part four (end)

basic summary: while jack bonds with chase and someone new, anti tries to fight back his ever growing pain by making many, many bad decisions. tagging @beebmo for inspiring this idea!

trigger warnings: blood, murder mention, self harm, suicidal ideation, knives

aiden finally came home five days after their fight.

jack had just been making coffee, wearing only his flamingo shorts and a pair of mismatched socks. no one was here anyway, and he had a few videos prerecorded, so he didn't really have to do much of anything. might as well just do whatever. he let his head hit the kitchen sideboard, half falling asleep standing up as he waited for the coffee maker to finish.

when he sat up, aiden was standing next to the door.

"bloody mother of mary, aiden!" jack cried, jumping and accidentally slamming his elbow into the table. then he took a closer look at him. aiden looked… so tired. big bags under his eyes, curly hair greasy and skin pale. he was wearing an oversized purple hoodie that jack didn't recognize, and he was staring at the ground in front of him, not daring to look up.

"oh, shit, aiden," jack murmured, much softer. he wasn't sure what to do, nervously cracking his knuckles and rubbing the back of his neck. "i'm - i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i shouldn't have hidden it from you, i shouldn't have tried to hide it, i should have -"

aiden cut him off. "save it," he mumbled, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. "it's cool. i don't wanna talk about it anymore."

jack nodded, his eyes suddenly burning. the coffee maker pinged, and he turned and busied himself with that, afraid that if he kept looking at aiden he'd start crying again. he'd been doing enough of that lately.

aiden was suddenly standing beside him. "i'd hug you," he joked. "but you're not wearing a shirt and it might be a bit weird."

jack cracked a small grin, and aiden just stared into the sink, neither one looking at the other. everything felt very odd between them for some reason. like in the few days they'd been apart, the distance between them had stretched for another thousand miles.

"so you're… aiden, you're gonna stay here, right?" jack asked tentatively, not wanting to set him off again. aiden's expression soured, his eyebrows narrowing, and his fingers dug into his sleeve.

"don't call me that." he almost spat, and jack set down his mug to properly look at him.

"call you… aid, that's your name. what else -"

"anti," he said, not glancing up from the sink. "call me anti."

they were silent for a moment. and for that moment, jack saw something in his friend that made his heart feel so much heavier than he could have imagined. something that he couldn't have explained if he tried. it was like the pain of losing something important to you. the pain of looking at something you love and knowing it's not going to be around much longer. and just the thought of that made jack's eyes well up with tears, and he turned away before he pulled his friend into a hug and never let go.

"ok," he said quietly. "ok."

-

nothing was the same.

despite staying in the same house as him, aiden was definitely avoiding jack. he barely saw him, and when he did, they almost never spoke. and when they did… jack couldn't bring himself to call his friend "anti." the name felt so… harsh. so painful. like aiden had just rejected everything that jack had ever made him, given him, those almost four years of friendship. was jack really that much of a terrible friend that aiden would just throw everything away?

apparently so. but soon, jack found something else to distract himself with - an unnamed number he recognized calling him up one morning while he was washing dishes. he'd raced into the living room to answer it upon hearing the default ringtone, but aiden was already there, holding it out to him without looking.

"it's the hat wearing one," he said nonchalantly, staring down at his laptop screen. jack bit his lip and took the phone, wondering if aiden was hoping he wouldn't answer, if he was supposed to put the phone down and tell aiden he was the only one who mattered. but his friend's expression gave nothing away, and jack uncertainly left the room and stood outside the door, answering the call.

"...chase?" he faltered. "that you?"

he heard a breath on the other end of the line. jack leaned against the wall, hitting his head again it gently.

"is this a butt dial call?" he tried to lighten the tension. "or one of the kids? hello, connor, louise, is that you?"

another second of silence. jack hesitated.

"if… if this is one of the kids…" he started. "can you tell your father i'm sorry i freaked him out, and i'm sorry i didn't tell him the whole truth straight away when i should have? i only made things worse for all of us, and i was stupid. will you tell him that? please?"

there was a small chuckle. "hey. it's just me," chase murmured. "just me. sorry to disappoint."

jack snorted, a smile appearing on his lips. "aw man, get off the line. put connor on the phone." relief filled him when chase laughed, a full, real laugh. then he sighed, biting his lip. "listen, chase… i -"

"can we talk irl?" chase interrupted. "i, uh, don't have a lot to do today and… i wanna get out the house anyway."

jack nodded, feeling dumb when he remembered chase couldn't see him. "yeah, sure, absolutely," he said, running a hand through his hair. ugh, he could feel how greasy it was. he had been wearing a hat for videos because he'd been too lazy to wash it. "let me take a shower first. then we can… costa?"

he heard chase exhale. "yeah, yeah. costa sounds good right now."

once he'd hung up, jack had to go through the living room to get to his own room. aiden barely looked up at him as he passed through, pausing hesitantly by the stairs. "aid - anti?" he questioned. "are you alright?"

aiden grunted, not taking his eyes off his laptop. jack waited for a second before speaking again. "i'm going out with chase." at this, aiden blinked, his expression changing for only a split second before he got it under control again. he didn't reply for a moment.

"good for you," he mumbled, and pulled his computer closer to him so it covered his face. jack sighed before going up the stairs to get ready.

once he'd showered and gotten changed, he took a moment to just look at himself in the mirror. he looked exhausted. he'd barely been sleeping lately, opting to cover the bags under his eyes in makeup so no fans would be concerned for him. his hair was getting too long, swooping almost in front of his eyes. he would have to get that cut soon. his lips were chapped and slightly bloody from how often he bit them, and his skin was blotchy from how much he'd been crying. he looked exhausted. he looked pathetic.

he tried again with aiden on the way out. "hey, man. i'm… you're gonna be ok here?"

aiden finally looked up at that, unamused. "yes, jack. i will be fine on my own." he monotoned, and jack winced. "go do your thing with jinx hat. i'll be perfectly fine, thanks for the concern."

jack swallowed and left without another word.

chase was waiting for him in costa, biting his knuckles and staring out the window. jack nearly lost all courage and turned round, but really… he had nothing left to lose at this point. besides, chase had seen him through the glass and had visibly brightened, sitting up and waving. despite himself, jack smiled as he went inside.

"hey," he said as he sat down across from him. chase looked tired too, but he managed a smile. "how have, uh… how've you been holding up?"

chase shrugged, spreading his hands out. "'bout as well as i can be," he said casually, spinning his phone round the table on its pop socket. "everything's been a bit… hectic, recently. i don't know. what about you?"

jack mimicked chase's shrug. "same for me, i guess." he hesitated. "look, i'm sorry about… the subway thing. that was a lot, and i'm sorry."

chase gave a shuddering breath. "oh, yeah, that was definitely a lot." he glanced up, tilting his head back slightly on his chair. "but i'm totally over it." he laughed. "actually, no, i'm very much not. i don't know why i said that."

jack nodded. "do you want me to try and explain?"

"oh, please do."

they got up and ordered (a green tea with a white chocolate and raspberry muffin for chase, a flat white coffee and chocolate chip cookie for jack), and talked quietly as they did so. well, this time jack mostly talked, chase listening. by the time they'd sat back down with their stuff, jack had pretty much filled him in on everything.

"holy crap," chase murmured. "that's… a lot. once again."

"are you alright?" jack asked. "i get that i, like, just blew your entire existence. if that makes any sense."

"give me a couple minutes to come to terms with this," chase said, sipping his drink. they were silent, both lost in their own heads.

"this is a prank," chase eventually concluded, turning to look jack right in the eyes. "right? where are the cameras or whatever, is this some kind of prank show that you're a part of?" he laughed without humor. "very funny, you really got me."

"chase, i swear -" jack started, but chase cut him off.

"i looked up that youtube channel you told me about," he said. "jacksepticeye? looked it up. it doesn't exist. shit's not real. god, you could have at least tried."

jack blinked in shock. "but it - it does!" he spluttered. he fumbled in his pocket for his phone. "here, i'll show -"

"i'm not a complete goddamn moron, jack," chase muttered, but then jack pulled up his channel which was, thankfully, still there, and chase's eyes widened.

"but i - i looked it up last night on my computer - there was nothing!" he stammered. he slumped back in his seat. "i swear, there was - i'm not lying!"

jack shifted in his seat, suddenly restless. "i don't know. i don't know, ok? maybe you spelled it wrong." and before chase could protest further, jack changed the subject. "anyway, fuck. i don't wanna think about all the technical improbabilities of this fucking world. i don't even know what i am to be able to create people."

chase fanned his face with his hands, breathing heavily. "fuck!" he said, a bit too loudly. "fuck, man." he suddenly stilled. "so does your friend hate me? aiden?"

jack paused before nodding slowly. "uh, at the moment, yes. but… maybe if you got to know each other, that could change?" he winced. "i don't know. that sounds dumb. but… what do you think?"

chase unwrapped his muffin, also nodding. "i mean, yeah. i'd be down. if you're certain he wouldn't kill me."

jack laughed, relaxing slightly. "he wouldn't kill you, man. he's just… he's a bit aggressive sometimes. he's got some antisocial tendencies. and he's, uh, a bit… doesn't like new people."

"yeah, i definitely got that," chase said, and they both laughed.

a few days passed by. chase and jack kept in touch, meeting up a few times to walk around town and talk. aiden continued to avoid talking to jack. and with the end of september came a burst of extreme cold so bad that school was briefly cancelled and everyone was to stay inside as much as possible.

"it's never this cold, even in england," jack joked to aiden, who was sitting at the kitchen table on his phone. he didn't even acknowledge jack had spoken.

suddenly, he'd had enough. "are you ever going to talk to me again?" he demanded. aiden made a face, and jack felt anger and hurt rising up in his chest. "please, aiden, anti, whatever, can you just -"

"hard to want to talk to you when you won't even respect my choice to change my name," aiden interrupted, and jack deflated. he blinked away the tears that rose up in his eyes.

"anti," he said finally. anti looked up, something in his eyes that jack didn't recognize. "anti. i'm sorry i've been such a douche. ok? i'm - what else do you want, man?"

anti didn't say anything. then he craned his neck to look at the ceiling, leaning back in his chair. "dunno," he mumbled. "to go back in time, i guess."

that wasn't something jack could do. he chewed the inside of his mouth and stayed quiet.

-

anti stared at the flats, biting his lip with frustration.

they'd fucking spelled the place. anywhere he tried to get in just shocked him, so badly he couldn't seem to push through. had it been the cat who'd done it, or something other powerful magician that the two of them knew? it didn't matter. he couldn't fucking get in.

he cursed red and the cat under his breath. they were smart, he could see that. and powerful. far too powerful. it might even end up that they could be a match for anti.

whatever. they couldn't stay in there forever. he'd get them one day. one day. and then they'd fucking pay.

-

chase called him that night in tears.

"chase - chase, calm, i can't understand what you're saying," jack said, pacing the kitchen with his phone to his ear. anti, on the couch in the other room, snorted loudly.

"she's k-kicking me out," chase sobbed, voice slightly slurred. jack could hear car horns in the background. "she says 'm a bad example for th'kids, says she's afraid i'll - i'll hurt -" he cried out, the connection fuzzing for a moment. "i wouldn't hurt them, jack!"

"hey, hey, i know you wouldn't," jack consoled, trying to stay calm. "chase, where are you?"

there was a rush of noise on the other end and then the call went dead.

"f- oh, for fuck's sake!" jack despaired. he went round the corner to the living room, looking in at anti. "dude, can you help me?"

anti yawned dramatically, stretching his arms above his head. "with what?" he asked slowly, knowing exactly what jack was going to ask.

"chase is - his wife kicked him out, apparently, he sounded drunk and upset, i need you to help me find him. you can track cell phone signals, right?" jack blurted. anti sighed, rolling his eyes.

"hmm, some days i can. other days i just… can't, you know?" anti said with a small smirk. jack balled his fists up and resisted the urge to scream.

"anti, for fuck's sake, i am not kidding around tonight," jack spat, practically shaking with silent rage. "can you help me or should i go out looking for him myself?"

anti blinked at jack's anger. he evidently hadn't been expecting jack to be so upset. "ok, yeah, i can track signals," he mumbled. he got to his feet, swaying slightly on the spot. "i'll - fuck, i guess i'll help if you want."

"thank you, anti," jack said softly. anti just made a noise and grabbed his jacket, going towards the door.

anti traced the signal all right, but the time they got to where it had been, chase was long gone. anti tried to find the signal again to locate where chase's phone was now, but in such a big city with so many people, everything got muddled up into one. they searched for hours, to no avail, and went home defeated.

"can't believe i wasted my evening on that fucker," anti announced as they walked back in. "fucking waste of time, waste of a good -"

"thanks anyway," jack interrupted before anti could go on a spiel. "you, uh, didn't have to help me, but thank you for doing that. even if we - yeah."

anti softened for just a moment, brown eyes warming, before glancing away from jack and stiffening again. "whatever," he mumbled, and said nothing more.

chase called him the next afternoon. "jack!" he said, sounding a lot more chipper than jack had expected him to. "jack, my friend, i have something awesome to tell you!"

jack furrowed his brow. "didn't your - man, are you ok? where were you last night?"

he could almost hear chase grinning. "stayed with my new friend henrik!" he said. "and i think you'll definitely want to meet him!"

jack yawned, rubbing the space between his eyes. "mmhmm, yeah. chase, do you have any idea how long me and anti spent searching for you last night?"

chase paused. "oh, shit. man, i'm - i'm sorry. i got… extremely drunk." he gave an embarrassed laugh. "really sorry. i meant to call again."

"yeah, it's cool," jack said, shaking his head. "i'm sorry about your wife, man, it's a shitty situation. why do you want me to meet your friend?"

"oh, you definitely will," chase said, and jack could hear someone shout something in the background. "i'm fucking hungover as all hell, dude, and i feel like absolute shit in every sense, but i think we should meet up. uh, maybe tomorrow, cause i think i might throw up sometime very soon. can we do that? i need something to take my mind off of, well, everything."

jack heard a crash from the other room, and anti cursing loudly. "uh, yeah, if you wanna. where?"

"i'm - i'm pretty broke, not gonna lie. henrik's pretty well off at the moment, but we decided to go cheap. you ok with mcdonalds?"

jack peeked into the living room. anti had dropped his glass of water, and it had smashed on the floor. he was on his hands and knees, attempting to pick up the pieces. "yeah, sounds cool. i gotta go, k?"

"yep!" chase said cheerfully. "see you at maybe twelve or so tomorrow?"

jack made a noise of affirmation and hung up, rushing into the living room. "anti, you ok?"

he didn't say anything, just continued trying to pick up the glass with his hands. jack sighed. "man, don't do that, you're gonna hurt yourself."

"don't give a shit," anti mumbled. he gave a small gasp and dropped a piece, grabbing at his wrist.

"aid - fuck's sake, get back." jack pushed anti's hands away and scooped up the glass with a dustpan. "how did you drop the glass, did you trip or something?"

anti made several odd noises. "hands are just really shaky lately," he said quietly, and when jack turned to look at him, there was blood slowly dripping down his arm.

"shit," jack groaned. he took the glass and dumped it in a bag before putting it in the outside bin. "i'll help -"

"i'm ok," anti insisted. he stood up, shaking out his hands. "i can deal with it myself."

"anti, wait," jack protested, and in a moment of desperation, grabbed anti's arm as he tried to bolt away to his room. anti gasped in pain and shoved jack off him, pushing him into the wall.

"fuck off, jay!" anti said angrily. he held his arm close to him - the arm he hadn't hurt with the glass, jack noticed. "seriously, mind your own!"

"anti, are you hurt?" jack frowned. anti stepped back onto the stairs, shaking.

"yeah, i just cut my bloody hand with a piece of fucking glass. you were right there." anti spat. "now i'm gonna go up to my room, if you don't mind."

jack couldn't even protest as anti glitched out of sight. somewhere above him, a door slammed.

-

oh, but it hurt.

not the cut on his hand. that was barely a scratch. but his body. oh, his body fucking burned. every inch of his body was constantly wracked with pain, like permanent pins and needles throughout his entire being. anti had never hurt like this all at once before.

and it was constant. constant. for nearly three weeks now, he had been like this; barely able to move half the time, his head throbbing and feeling like a thick soup. some days he physically could not move, no matter how much he tried. he wouldn't even be able to speak or cry out for jack, not that he would have even if he could. he became static at random times, his phone and laptop short circuited, he was constantly sick and depressed and so, so angry.

and he'd tried everything to fix it, everything. he'd drank a shitton of alcohol one night, resulting in a seizure that lasted almost a full minute. he'd went out running, thinking maybe the exercise would help, but that had somehow made it worse. he'd even tried causing himself voluntary pain, like that would help the rest of the pain dull, but it did nothing. everything hurt. everything hurt.

he was dying. that was the idea that had planted itself in his brain, and he couldn't shake it out. he was dying and it would only be a matter of time before he couldn't physically form at all, left just a glitching husk of nothingness, and then gone entirely. no one would notice but jack. no one would even notice but jack.

and maybe… his mind drifted to rhudy. rhudy who was so nice to him. rhudy who didn't lie to him or abandon him. anti almost wanted to go see him.

anti was going to die and it was jack's fault.

he's trying to kill you, was the delusion that he had convinced himself was truth. jack wanted him dead so he could spend all his time with chase, so that he could find the doctor and the hero and the magician, the ones who weren't broken and fucked up like anti was. he wanted anti gone. he wanted anti dead.

anti hugged himself and tried not to shake or throw up. he felt so fucking replused with himself, with everything.

he wanted to go see rhudy. he wanted to, but he didn't want jack asking questions, he didn't want to talk to jack at all. feeling sick, he sat up on his bed and let out a shuddering sigh. he wanted to go see rhudy.

maybe he didn't have to tell jack, he suddenly thought. it wasn't like he'd care anyway. as soon as that thought entered his mind, he stood right up, his head rushing from the movement. anti stumbled over to the window, yanking it open despite how his bandaged arms screamed in pain, and swung his legs over the windowsill. he was on the second floor, and it was maybe five meters or so to the ground - not enough to kill him. he pushed off the sill and glitched before hitting the grass, landing safely with a soft thump. for a second he doubled over, nearly screaming from the sudden pain, then straightened and began to jog unsteadily in the direction of the high street.

it was starting to get dark as he reached the store. he could see rhudy standing out the front, smoking a cigarette and scrolling through his phone. even from here, anti could see he had google open and was searching up "ikeas near me." he almost laughed as he walked over, swaying on his feet as his legs burned.

rhudy looked up as he got closer, a grin breaking across his face. "hey, anti, what are you doing here this time of day?" he asked warmly. then his smile faded as he saw the state anti was in. "hey man, you ok?"

anti didn't say a word. he just threw his arms around rhudy's neck, holding on tightly as his legs gave out beneath him.

"anti!" rhudy exclaimed. he helped anti walk over to the shop door, unlocking it with a key from his pocket. "shit, man, what's up?"

anti groaned, clinging to rhudy's shoulder. "you own this store?" he mumbled.

"uh, yeah, i do," he said, pushing the door open and flicking on the lights. "i might have forgot to mention. you're hurting, aren't you? i can't - usually i can figure out reasons, but not now, for some reason."

he helped anti sit down in a chair at the side of the room near a stack of vinyls. anti didn't usually spend a lot of time in the main section of the store, so while rhudy rushed to the back to get him some water, he took a minute to properly look around. the store looked a lot smaller in the busy hours when there were tons of people, but he could now see how big it actually was. everything was in rows and stacks, signs detailing what sections each thing was in hanging from the ceiling. the walls were a light green and windows stretched all the way round them, letting in the soft evening lights and showing off the streets outside. it made anti feel very exposed, and he curled in on himself, hugging his shoulders.

"here," rhudy said, handing him a plastic bottle and sitting down next to him. anti smile gratefully and took several gulps, his hands still trembling so badly he spilled some water down his front.

"are you ok, man?" rhudy asked quietly. "you're shaking, what happened?"

"nothing," anti murmured, attempting to screw the cap back on the bottle. after a moment of watching him struggle, rhudy took it and did it himself, letting out a small laugh as anti's face turned red and he mumbled a thanks under his breath.

"are you sure it was nothing?" rhudy said. he turned his head to look at anti properly, his brown eyes looking more orange in this lighting. "you can tell me if something's wrong, you know."

anti made a small noise. "can we play some music, or - or something?" he asked, staring down at his bouncing legs. his mind was racing, he needed some kind of fucking distraction.

rhudy nodded, jumping to his feet. "what do you want on? any preferences?" he stopped and made fingers guns at the air, hair falling in his face. "wait, don't tell me. you like…" he suddenly giggled. "you like queen?"

despite it all, a grin spread across anti's face. "wow, you can tell just by looking at me?" he joked, and rhudy laughed as he crossed the room, popping out a vinyl of queen's a night at the opera and holding it up for anti to see before putting it in its player. anti smiled even wider, a pang of something hurting in his chest.

the first few notes of bohemian rhapsody began to play, and rhudy danced round back to anti, clicking his fingers and spinning in circles.

"is this the real life?" he sang dramatically, and anti couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous he looked and sounded. "or is this just fantasy? caught in a landslide, no escape from reality…"

he grabbed anti's hand and pulled him to his feet, twirling him round despite his noises of protest. "i'm just a poor boy, i need no sympathy!" he cried, and anti giggled.

"you're a dumbass!" he grinned, and rhudy raised an eyebrow.

"sing with me then, asshole. you can definitely sing." he challenged.

"is that the clairvoyance talking?" anti asked.

rhudy raised his chin. "let's find out!"

he grabbed anti's hand and pulled him close to his chest. "any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me…"

anti joined in at the next part. "...to me!"

the two of them swayed on the spot, giggling like idiots as they tried to sing. and for some reason, anti suddenly didn't care if anyone looked through the window and saw them. he couldn't even feel the pain anymore. all that mattered was this. not jack, not chase. just this. this man, this song, this fucking moment.

he was sure they both looked ridiculous. rhudy was not the greatest singer, and really, neither was anti, but they both knew all the words and that was what mattered. "too late, my time has come," they sang in unison. "sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time…"

anti paused to take a drink, and rhudy continued dancing by himself, leaving a gap and holding his arms out like he was holding a partner. when anti laughed and joined him again, rhudy twirled him round and nearly dropped him. "mama, ooh!" he crooned. "i don't wanna die, sometimes i wish i'd never been born at all!"

rhudy grabbed his guitar from the table behind him and attempted to play it along with the song but it was too fast and he gave up, pretending to play it instead. as the song sped up, so did they, taking turns singing the galileo's and bursting into fits of laughter.

"so you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?" rhudy yelled, pulling anti closer to him and laughing breathlessly.

"so you think you can love me and leave me to die?" anti yelled after him, and at that point they gave up on singing and collapsed to the floor next to a record stand, wheezing and catching their breaths. and fuck, fuck, it was such a warm, joyful feeling, and for a moment anti didn't even feel any pain, just happiness. all he wanted was to feel like this forever. he wished there was a way he could feel like this forever and never have to stop.

rhudy turned to him, and suddenly their faces were very, very close. far too close. anti's smile faded slightly. this was normal, right? this was how normal people found happiness?

maybe he could feel like this forever.

anti had, obviously, never kissed anyone before. doing so felt… odd, to say the least. it didn't feel like much of anything except touching faces with someone else. but this had to be it, the solution to his problems. this had to be what would make him happy. he'd been so happy while they were dancing and talking… this had to be what those feelings were. it had to be.

and maybe it did feel nice to be so close to another person, and that was what mattered.

he moved his head back to take a breath. rhudy opened his eyes wide, blinking. this close, anti could see pale freckles dotted across rhudy's nose.

"oh," rhudy said softly.

"shit," anti said just as softly.

he kissed him again and it felt wrong and right and it distracted him from the pain and anti never wanted to stop.

the song had ended. the room was getting very dark, as the lights had long ago flickered out. he let out a breath, almost too overwhelmed to speak.

"i - i should close up," rhudy murmured against anti's mouth.

"do that," anti said. "i - i don't really have anywhere to go tonight."

that was a lie.

"you can stay at mine," rhudy said. "if you want."

anti still had time to back out.

"i do want."

-

the next afternoon, jack was getting ready to go out again.

he wasn't really surprised that anti had gone out. he was more surprised that he had snuck out the window. had he wanted to avoid jack that badly? actually, maybe he wasn't surprised. jack sighed as he attempted to fix his hair in the mirror despite how it kept standing straight up at the ends. whatever. it wasn't like he cared at this point.

chase texted him to let him know he and henrik were inside the mcdonalds. it was crowded, and two little kids slammed into jack's legs as they ran out. frowning, he tried to scan the crowd to see his friend through all the people. he'd said he'd gotten a table, so maybe - ah, there he was, up against the wall and waving cheerily at him despite his clearly tear splotched face, and there was someone with him, someone…

jack stopped walking right in the middle of all the people and didn't breathe.

"jack!" chase called, standing up and beckoning him over. jack almost couldn't move. the man next to chase looked confused as well, tapping his arm rapidly and saying something jack couldn't hear. he slowly walked over to their table, his legs feeling like jelly.

"jack, meet henrik!" chase beamed, gesturing towards the other man. the man who, like chase, like anti… looked exactly like himself.

"hey," jack murmured, sitting down tentatively across from the other two. henrik nodded, mouth hanging open slightly in shock.

"henrik, this is jack," chase said, twirling his hand around. they both bobbed their heads up and down, staring at each other.

"it is… nice to meet you?" henrik said uncertainly, and jack jolted at his german accent. holy shit, it was him. it was him. henrik stretched his hand across the table for jack to shake, and he took it. "henrik von schneeplestein, if you please."

"jack… mcloughlin," he said, forcing a smile. then he turned to chase. "chase, can i talk to you for a second?"

chase frowned. "uh, yeah, sure," he said, and jack stood and walked over to the other side of the room, grabbing chase's arm as he followed him.

"dude, what the fuck? we've left henrik alone over there!" chase hissed.

"chase, i - where did you find this guy? how do you know him?" jack asked.

chase yawned, scrubbing at his face. "met him at a bar, his wife has just kicked him out too. we bonded over it, apparently." he laughed. "we didn't recognize that we had the same face until later."

jack glanced over at the man, who was awkwardly scrolling through his phone at the table. his mind literally could not wrap around it.

"he's a practicing doctor," chase said, snapping him from his thoughts. "studying at the local university. is this guy… is this guy the doctor you told me about? the one you made to help aiden?"

"i think so," jack said. "this is - this is fucking weird." he turned to chase. "did you tell him?"

"what, that everything he knows is fake and he's not even real?" chase snorted, fixing the brim of his cap. "no, i didn't. i barely believe it myself, i'm still convinced this is a very elaborate prank. i'm only going along with this because it'll get a lot of views on my channel if we can make this funny enough."

jack rolled his eyes and began to go back to the table. "sure, whatever."

henrik smiled as they sat back down. "everything ok?" he asked, tapping his fingers on the table. as he looked at the two of them, jack noticed a few slight differences between himself and henrik and chase. henrik's hair was flatter with a small streak of grey, and his eyes were a much lighter blue. chase looked almost younger than jack, and there were a few freckles splattered across his face that jack was sure hadn't been there the last time he'd seen him. it was so surreal, knowing he had somehow brought them into existence. that if anti's theory was correct, they were pieces of his soul. the thought made him feel almost sick.

"yeah, it's fine," jack said. "do you guys, uh, wanna get food?"

"i would," henrik nodded. "then maybe we can talk about why you are my exact copy and chase did not think to tell me this."

-

this ceiling wasn't his. these walls weren't his. this room wasn't his.

anti blinked at the lights streaming through the windows for almost thirty seconds before he remembered.

shit. oh shit, oh shit, please say he hadn't done what he thought he had. he sat straight up, panic coursing through him, and - nope, this wasn't his bed. he was shirtless, and rhudy was laying beside him, asleep.

ok. ok. this was fine, anti reassured himself, fumbling for his clothes. this was fine. rhudy stirred slightly, making a small sound in his throat. anti felt sick.

because it wasn't fine. nothing was fine anymore. he fucking hated this, he hated it and he wasn't supposed to. he had been so happy last night - why hadn't this fixed him? why had he been having a good time until he kissed rhudy, why had he convinced himself this was what would help him? jesus fuck, anti was going to be sick. he was going to be sick.

he was going to have to kill him.

that was the only thought in his panic stricken brain. kill rhudy and get the fuck out of there, go back to jack, maybe kill him too if he still felt like it. anti frantically began getting dressed, looking for his knife in his hoodie pocket. it was still there, thankfully. he unfolded it grimly, tapping it against his hand as he breathed heavily, trying not to scream. bile rose in his throat as he looked down at the other man, thinking about slitting his throat.

he'd done it before. why couldn't he do it now, why was he suddenly scared? why had he formed an emotional attachment? he grabbed at his hair, his knife dangerously close to his face. this was fucking pathetic. he took several deep breaths, and lowered the knife to where rhudy was laying. right next to his throat.

why couldn't he do it? what the fuck was wrong with him?

he didn't have time to think about it, because rhudy's was awake and he was staring at anti, eyes wide, almost not daring to move.

"anti?" he said, shocked. "what are you -"

anti yelped and leaped off the bed, stumbling back into the wall as rhudy sat up, holding both hands up next to his head. "hey, hey!" he cried, and he looked terrified, and anti held up the knife in front of him, warning him not to move.

"d-d-don't -" anti stammered, but suddenly his voice wouldn't cooperate and neither would his body. he glitched wildly, yanking his hair and crying out through the pain ripping through him, almost collapsing from the agony that had come out of nowhere. after he'd collected himself, he managed to glance up, still holding onto his head. rhudy was just… looking. just looking. horrified. anti stared back, far too aware for how disgusting he looked, half formed and probably insane. this had been a mistake. this had always been a fucking mistake.

he glitched away and rhudy didn't move to stop him.

-

his face burned.

it wasn't just from the humiliation of what had just happened, either. it felt like an actual, genuine burn, like someone was dragging a lighter down his cheek. as he quickly darted down the streets, getting as far away from rhudy's place as possible, he swiped at his face with his sleeve, trying to figure out what it was. something wet - blood, he assumed, but his sleeve wasn't stained when he pulled away, and when he touched his face with his hand it came away clear, like water, like -

oh, oh. like tears. anti was crying.

he had never cried before. never. he gasped and scrubbed at his skin fiercely, ignoring the pain. why did it burn? jack had cried before, he never told him it burned so bad, oh, it hurt. he gritted his teeth and pushed through it. fuck, he couldn't go home in this state.

he decided to just go get food at the mcdonalds near the park. might as well. it was pretty crowded, which anti was fine with; no one would notice him in a crowd. no one, except… his mouth dropped open when he saw. surely not. surely not here.

chase, sitting at a table across the room, saw him first. he tapped jack's arm, and he turned around to see him, along with the other man who was next to him. three of them. last anti had checked, that was one too many. the other man wasn't the hero, wasn't the magician… he must have been the doctor, finally found. anti looked away from them, too overwhelmed with everything to even care.

once he'd ordered and calmed himself down, he casually wandered over to their table, slamming both hands down on the surface and grinning wickedly. "hey there, assholes," he said, delighting in how chase and the doctor jumped at his sudden movement. jack just sighed. anti tilted his head at the man next to chase. "doctor schneeplestein, i presume?"

"how do you -" the man started, and anti just laughed. he was fucking furious all of a sudden, and just this man's presence was making it worse. "who are you?"

anti pulled his signature move of turning his eyes black, smirking. "is it cliche to say your worst nightmare?"

"anti," jack interrupted, about to stand, but anti pushed him down again forcefully. that didn't stop him from trying, though, and he struggled against anti's hand. "stop this, man, please."

anti was about to say something else, probably a snappy comeback or something, when jack's brow furrowed and he looked concerned. "anti, what happened to your face?"

anti snorted. "what do you mean?"

jack shrugged anti off and stood, too close to anti's face. "man, there's a big - it looks like a long, thin, burn mark, anti, what did you do?"

"i didn't do anything!" he protested, but then jack held up his phone on the front camera and - oh. he did have a long, thin burn mark on his cheek, trailing down from his right eye. oh, shit.

anti took several steps back, not wanting to look. he glared at the three man, frantically trying to think of something else to say that would put him back in control.

"order 107!" called a woman behind the counter, and anti glanced at his receipt. that was him. as he went up to collect his order, jack scrambled over to talk to him.

"anti, anti," he said breathlessly. "fuck, are you alright? where did you, uh, go last night?"

anti laughed without humour. "you wouldn't believe me if i told you."

jack made a noise of resignation and shook his head. "ok, sure, be vague about it. listen, i'm… i'm going to talk more with chase and henrik, ok? i -"

"ooh, the doc has a first name?" anti said in a mocking tone. jack threw up his hands.

"jesus shit, anti, listen to me for once! they're going to be round at the house sometimes, and you're going to have to just deal with it, ok? i'm allowed to have other friends apart from you. and these guys… well, you know what the situation is with them. i just… i have to learn more about what i can do, i guess. and i want you to be with me." he tapped anti's shoulder gently, his expression softening. "you're my best friend, dude. you got that? i'm not going to replace you."

but he already was, and he didn't even realize it. anti was dying, and jack didn't know. would he care if anti told him?

jack bit his lip, obviously concerned about anti's lack of a response. "you wanna come sit with us?"

did he? not really. but there was a small part of him that thought, maybe… he should. he should go sit with them and apologize for being an asshole. he should talk with them and find out more about their lives. he should let jack slowly explain everything to them and become friends and tell jack how badly he was hurting and then he'd fix him. wouldn't he? he could just do that. anti was so close to just giving in and letting himself do that.

but once glance at the doctor and the father at the table, looking over at them with confused and worried expressions, was all that anti needed to confirm what he wanted to do.

"no, i don't." anti said firmly. and with that, he turned and left, taking his food and not once looking back.

-

true to jack's word, chase and henrik were round at the house several times in the next three days.

at this point, anti couldn't tell if anyone had told henrik about the whole being-created-by-jack thing, and he didn't care to find out. henrik and chase tried not to be pushy or in his way, which he was slightly grateful for, but just their presence in the house annoyed him. he ended up staying in his room all the time, watching stuff on netflix and hacking phone lines when he got bored. he could often hear talking through his door and would sometimes just sit and listen. it made his chest hurt to hear jack so happy when he was so fucking miserable.

one day he bumped into chase when he left his room to get some food from the kitchen.

"shit, sorry," chase said, holding up a hand apologetically. anti just glared at him until he backed off, grinning awkwardly. "uh, you alright, dude?"

anti was getting pretty sick of people asking if he was ok. "the fuck do you think?" he snarled, taking a step forward. chase flattened himself against the wall, hands in a pose of surrender.

"fuck, man, relax," he said, laughing nervously. "i'll get out of your way."

"you fucking better," anti spat, revelling in the fear in chase's eyes. "or i'll tear your goddamn throat out with my teeth."

chase nodded frantically. "ok, ok, cool, i got it," he babbled, eyes darting back and forth down the hall. anti laughed at how pathetic he looked. he knew he should back away and go back to his room. but suddenly, this just wasn't enough.

"you know, you fucking disgust me!" anti said cheerfully, and chase paled. "i honestly do not know why jack puts up with you. you're so… boring, you know?" he yawned exaggeratedly. "boring, and just plain depressing. you get me? you're genuinely such a misery to be around." he laughed, and chase made a terrified squeak that was like music to anti's ears.

he stepped back, giving chase the room to move even though he chose not to do so, still plastered against the wall. a grin cut through anti's face.

"you don't have many friends, do you, jinx hat?" anti said, still smiling. chase's hand touched his head self consciously. "i wouldn't imagine you did. not many people would miss someone so boring, would they?"

he bounced back to his room, leaving chase alone in the hallway.

-

"anti."

he sighed loudly upon hearing jack's voice, and didn't get up from his bed. "that's me."

he heard jack tap the door gently. "i, uh, have a surprise for you."

anti raised an eyebrow despite jack not being able to see. "yeah? and what's that?" 

"come and see!" jack said, excitement in his voice. "i think you're definitely gonna like this."

anti entertained the idea of ignoring him and going back to sleep. but he was, admittedly, slightly curious, and he was all prepared to be angry if it was a terrible surprise. jack grinned when anti opened the door, clapping his hands together once. "yes! come on, come to my recording room."

"are jinx and the doc here?" he asked suspiciously as they walked across the hall.

"nope! and you know, they have names." jack pushed open his recording room door, gesturing towards his computer. "go and see!"

anti stepped in, glancing around, but he couldn't see anything out of place. the only unusual thing was that jack's computer was on and loaded up to a game. anti frowned and stepped closer, staring at the screen.

"yeah, so you got the new five night's game. so what?" anti said, turning round confusedly. jack grinned.

"you know how when i was sick and you recorded that one video for me?" he said, spreading out his hands. "well… here's a series of your very own! happy early birthday!"

anti couldn't breathe for a second.

"you're… you're letting me…" he swallowed, suddenly feeling very small. "you're gonna let me play it… as you?"

jack laughed and looked down at the floor, rubbing his neck. "yeah, i am," he said. "i've been planning it basically since i heard it was coming out. i figured it'd be fun for you."

anti's breath hitched as he tried to gather words. "i - i, um… thank you, holy shit." he blinked rapidly. "fuck, i… after i've been such an asshole?"

"you're not an asshole," jack said quietly. "i - i've been a dick too, ok? and i feel like this is a… well, a good start."

anti turned back to the computer and watched the loading screen glitch. it was weird to think that he wasn't the one causing it.

"it came out yesterday, but i could only get it now," he heard jack say. he came to stand beside anti, putting a hand on his shoulder. "what do you think?"

anti ran his fingers through his hair, trying to think of how to respond. "i'd love to play it," he murmured. "fuck, thank you."

jack hesitated, then pulled him in for a hug. anti nearly burst into tears then and there, too scared to speak or move in case he did. he let jack hold him for a moment, then slowly wrapped his arms around his friend, resting his face against his shoulder.

"i'm sorry," jack whispered.

a pause.

"me too," anti whispered back.  

-

the game took about two and a half hours to complete. it was strangely terrifying, knowing that people were going to see this, to see him. but he tried his best to keep it cool. at several point he almost had to stop from how much pain his body was in, but he was sure it was fine. he filmed four episodes in all, changing shirts between each one so it wouldn't seem like he'd played the whole game in one day; which, now he thought about it, wouldn't have been that weird for jack. once he'd finished, he considered watching it back to see if he'd made any obvious mistakes in his imitation of jack, but there wouldn't be much he could do to change it now, so he didn't really care that much. he decided to take the liberty of sending the videos to robin himself and then went out to see jack, feeling happier than he had in a long time.

jack was in the kitchen, making popcorn. anti stood at the door for a minute, listening to the popping sounds, before jack noticed him and broke out in a grin. "hey! how was it, did you finish?"

he nodded, suddenly almost shy, looking down at the chair legs. "i sent the videos to robin," he said. "and, uh… thanks again."

"no problem, dude, i'm glad you liked it." the microwave beeped and jack took the bowl out, yelping at how hot it was. "ouch, fucking burning bastard. do you wanna watch a movie or something?"

anti gave a small nod. "if you want. any ideas?"

jack moved past him into the living room, eating the popcorn dry. "well, this movie came out on netflix today. the siege of jadotville. it's irish."

anti snorted. "just the name alone is putting me to sleep."

"did i mention it's irish?"

"irish, smirish, it sounds crap!"

the two of them laughed, and anti felt warm again.

-

the movie was boring, as anti had predicted. he barely stayed awake long enough to get half an hour in before drifting off on the arm of the couch, jack gently playing with his hair. when he woke, it was late afternoon, jack was gone, and a blanket had been draped over him. he sighed warmly, not wanting to move.

"aid - anti? you up?"

he glanced up to see jack coming into the room, looking worried. anti pushed himself to his elbows, yawning. "i am. what's the problem?"

jack raised his arms behind his head, blowing all the air out his cheeks. anti immediately recognized something was wrong and sat up fully, throwing the blanket off him. "jay? what is it? come on, man, spit it out."

jack took a deep breath and folded his hands. "you know how you sent the videos to robin?"

a thick feeling of dread rose up in anti's chest. "yeah?" he said quietly, almost afraid to hear.

jack hesitated before continuing. "the, uh, files got corrupted," he mumbled. "glitches everywhere. it's… unusable, i think. i'm sorry."

neither one of them said anything for a long moment.

"post it anyway," anti said eventually.

jack sighed and sat down next to him on the couch. "dude, i can't. the facecam footage looks terrible, it's always staticy and glitchy, and you can't even be heard at some points -"

"then edit that out!" anti yelled, leaping to his feet. jack got up again right after. "edit that out and post it, it's fine, you let me film that, jack! i've waited years for you to let me appear on the channel!"

jack flinched back, shaking his head. "anti -"

"no!" he screamed, grabbing at his hair. "no, no, that's not fair, it's not my fault!"

"i thought you had your glitching under control?" jack said worriedly, holding out his hands to try and calm anti down.

"i did, i did, i have for years!" the sound of static got even louder, and anti could feel himself slowly losing control again. "it's your fault, it's your fucking fault, it's your fault that i'm dying!"

jack just watched helplessly as anti screamed, clawing at himself and glitching so wildly he couldn't stay together. "anti, i -"

"i've tried everything!" he wailed, his whole body searing with pain as he tried to piece himself back. "i tried drinking, i tried exercising, i tried burning myself, i tried - fuck, i even tried sleeping with my only other friend, nothing works and it's your bloody fault!"

"anti!" jack cried, alarmed. "i -"

someone knocked at the door.

anti whipped round, eyes blazing. "and who's that?"

"well, uh, i think it's chase and henrik - we - we were gonna go out for a bit - anti, wait -"

"oh, come in!" anti called, in a perfect imitation of jack's voice. "door's open!"

the door opened, and anti could hear the two other men chattering as they came inside. jack visibly swallowed. "anti," he said, very softly. "anti, stop."

"jack!" anti heard henrik call in that fucking german accent. "where are we going, i have -"

they stopped dead in the door when they saw what was going on. "is… is this a bad time?" henrik asked tentatively.

"oh no, you're just in time!" anti said, almost hysterically. he grinned, his body stabilizing for just a second. "just in time!" 

another glitch ran through him, and he doubled over from the pain. chase and henrik turned to leave, but anti suddenly appeared in front of them, blocking their path. "oh, don't leave so soon!" he cried. "you'll miss all the fun!"

"anti, aiden, please stop!" jack sobbed, trying to grab anti's arm. he pushed him away, almost too forcefully, and jack slammed into the table behind him. "shit, stop it!" 

but anti's attention was on chase now. chase, who was holding henrik's hand and backing towards the door, shaking. "w-why are you doing this?" chase stammered. "please, dude, we never meant to hurt you!"

anti laughed without mirth, his hand on his pocket. "a bit late for that, jinx!" 

he made a sudden move, grabbing chase's neck in a burning rage and throwing him back into the wall. one of chase's legs shot to and kicked anti's knee, and he stumbled back, henrik attempting to help chase up so they could get out. anti straightened and lunged for henrik this time, wanting to kill him, to kill him, to -

and jack was yanking him back by his hood and trying to get him off -

and anti whirled round and lashed out -

and jack fell, and anti had a knife in his hands, when did he get a knife in his hands -

and jack was on the ground and anti had a knife pressed to his throat.

there was dead, dead silence.

"aiden?" jack said softly.

aiden could see the terror in his eyes.

then someone was pulling him off of him, shoving him to the floor. anti gasped, crying out as the contact sent shocks through his body. henrik, the doctor, standing in front of jack, holding - anti's knife was gone, slipped from his hands. henrik held it, looking so tired yet so fierce. in that moment, anti had to admit he was impressed by how unwavering he was.

"stop this." henrik said. he very deliberately closed the knife and tossed it behind him, where chase was slumped against the wall.

anti got the message and left.

-

three hours later he was on the ground in an alleyway with blood on his hands.

how many people he'd killed, he'd lost track of. so much blood on his hands. he stared at them, shaking so badly it hurt, the uneven ground wet from the earlier rain. he hugged himself, his vision blurring, tasting blood in his mouth.

he could never go home now. never. not after what he'd done, not after the way they'd looked at him.

and with that sudden stabbing realization, the tears that were threatening on the ends of anti's lashes finally fell. and unlike last time, he couldn't do anything to stop them. a great sob tore from his throat and he almost screamed as the water burned his cheeks, his shoulders shaking with pain and the force of his crying. his chest tightened and he could barely breathe. he curled into himself as he sobbed, almost hyperventilating, like a panic attack he couldn't come down from. he'd never felt this kind of distress before - usually his negative feelings manifested in the form of anger, but now it was everything. sadness, rage, fear, grief, all combined into one meltdown. 

he buried his face in his knees and didn't move for several hours. when he finally did, his face stung in the places his tears had rolled down. all the nearby streetlamps had gone out and he was left in darkness. as usual.

-

he was standing just outside the doors to the corner shop, staring into the distance with his hands in his pockets.

jack almost turned and left. almost. but he had to face this eventually, even if his neck still ached with bruises and stung from the small cut anti had given him. he would have to talk to him at some point.

anti turned as he got closer. he must have known jack was there. his expression was completely blank, though jack couldn't help but blach at anti's face as he grew nearer.

"what happened to your face?" were the first words out of his mouth as he got right next to anti. his face was red and blotchy, like he'd been crying, and there were reddish looking scars down his face liked he'd been burned. anti scowled, glancing away and not answering.

they stood in silence for a little while, both wondering what to say. then jack spoke again. "this is it, isn't it." he let out a shuddering breath. "for us."

"i don't know," anti said flatly. "i would believe so."

jack blinked rapidly, swallowing hard and clenching his fists so tightly his nails dug into his palm. "ok."

another pause. the wind blew through their hair, and jack noted how different he and anti really did look, in the end. maybe they had always been like this and jack had never noticed.

"you're not going to post the videos i made." anti said. "you're going to film something entirely different and try to forget i ever existed."

"no," jack said, even though that was almost entirely true.

"i'm not stupid, jack." anti said. "and i hope you know i won't make it easy for you."

jack's breath hitched, and a tear fell from his eye. "i know. you wouldn't be aiden mcloughlin if you did."

"you're not understanding me," anti said, turning his head away slightly. "not that you ever have."

jack closed his eyes. "i wish i could have. i'm sorry."

"no you're not."

"i am, of course i am. i love you."

he opened his eyes to see that anti had vanished.

he said it anyway. 

"happy birthday."

[darkknightsuggestion]

Here’s a lesson how to be an adult with friends with a story about what happens when you don’t know how to be an adult with friends and a lot of grains of salt.

Too long, don’t wanna read? Here. https://twitter.com/woIffangs/status/1261876309518700546

You are in a group chat with your friends and argue with them over conflicting opinions and feel uncomfortable around them at the moment. You want to remove yourself from the stress/discomfort, so what do you do? Do you:

Just leave without a word to leave your friends confused and coming after you to ask you if you’re okay?

Tell them you need some time to cool down from the argument and you’ll be back later, before leaving.

If you picked 1, you’re an asshole. Communicate with your friends so they aren’t confused and worried about you. You’re still friends. Friends can get through heated arguments over differing opinions over pineapples on pizza.

Are you stressed because real life is really giving you the short end of the stick and you feel trapped within your own misery and you’re STILL hung up on that argument, and you just want to leave? What do you do?

Wait for everything to snowball to something worse because you don’t want to bother these people you call friends. Instead, you wait for something to trigger you to leaving again and excommunicating yourself from your friend group.

Tell your friends how you feel, understand that your mental illness could be making you worry too much over things, but you want to take a worry off your shoulders.

If you picked 1, you are wrong. Again, communicate with your friends that maybe you won’t be as talkative, or you feel like an odd one out, or that you’re still feeling awkward from that thing (the argument) that happened a while back, and just talk it over with your friends.

I know my wording is biased as hell, but you cannot tell your friends nothing and then EXPLODE.

I bring this up because someone did this to me and a friend group. I (out of nowhere) was given a halfhearted goodbye message before being blocked everywhere. I had no idea what the fuck happened and thought this person was seeking a permanent solution to their problems given that they’ve been very unhappy recently with their life (and it’s not cabin fever related at all, actually). There was one place they didn’t block me on so I messaged them there to ask if they were okay, because I was worried they were going to hurt themselves and as far as I was aware, we were on good terms. Them blocking me came out of NOWHERE. Everyone in the friend group was hurt by this person’s actions because there seemed to be no reason for them to suddenly just block us like this.

Their reply to me was another halfhearted message that they felt things were awkward w the friend group because of the argument they had with ONE person that happened in the group chat. I told them i’d respect if they wanted to distance themselves and I hope that they have good luck in the future because they deserve happiness (there’s a LOT of context I’m omitting because of privacy reasons). They reply that my well wishing doesn’t mean shit (total change of their tone, btw) and they explode on me about how their life is in ruins because of IRL things happening to them and how they feel like we (the friend group) hate them because we never ask them how they’re doing or initiate conversations... To top it off, it ended with (and I quote) “I have no friends, no family, and a dead end job in an anemic economy. I have a dog. That's it. Maybe that would have been great context for you all to have . . . if I'd thought you wanted to listen.” and then blocked me.

... Excuse me? They are acting like a child. (I say “are” and not “were” because in the time I’ve known them, I know they are still having a tantrum about this.)

Don’t be this person having the biggest tantrum of the century. I’m sorry your life has gotten worse but what the fuck? You can’t just drop a bomb of everything that went wrong in your life (again omitted for privacy, but it was A LOT of stuff they NEVER said ANYTHING about to any of us) to GUILT TRIP?

Gee, I’m sorry we didn’t read your mind and cater to your needs, I guess? No, I can’t be sorry for that. I feel sorry for them that they can’t see how much they ruined their friendships by not talking to us and communicating how they feel.

If you can’t have a normal conversation about Feelings then you’ve got a lot of unsettled personal issues, and cutting out your friends for no reason aside from the reasons your brain tells you is.....wrong. Tell your friends that you feel like they aren’t talking to you as much, or that you don’t feel like you’re part of the group. Most times things like these (especially with friends) is not intentional. We all have our own lives, we all deal with our own shit, and that can make us all behave in ways where we may interpret that “vince hasnt talked to me lately/isn’t starting the conversations anymore. i guess he hates me” when really, I could just be investing my time elsewhere, or going through my own IRL issues. You’ll never know the answer if you don’t confront me about it.

Up until being blocked and then guilt tripped and blocked again, I had been sending them pictures of my dogs, dog memes, and asking about how they’ve been doing, to which they said they were alright, life sucks, but they’re still alive. I was completely blindsided by them suddenly hating my guts. The best thing to note is all of the shit they’re upset about happened when I wasn’t even online for the events that happened. I was fucking asleep but they associate me with the one argument with ONE person in the friend group that they let snowball their feelings. Yikes.

Talk. With. Your. Friends. About. Feelings.

[mlinkwell]

Model Student (part 1)

Pairing: Johnny Suh x OC/Reader (fem)

Genre: uni!au/bf!au  //  lil angst/lil fluff (smut in future parts)

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: strong language, mentions of sex, descriptions of nudity/nude images. This is a work of fiction. Please do not send nude photographs irl. Can go hella wrong.

AN: I just started my senior year of college (holy fuck)! To celebrate, here is *the* Johnny fic that I’ve been hinting at for so long. It’s my first original story on this blog. I’m so excited to continue this angsty ass tale very soon. PS, pairing says OC/Reader because while the protagonist has a name and description, parts from her pov are written in second person.

You moved from your shower to your bedroom, goosebumps appearing on your skin as you move from the small, steam-filled space to your air conditioned bedroom. You shivered ready to pull on some clothes and get in bed. 

You were over the whole school thing before you even got off campus. You knew that you needed to get organized now or you would have a rough month - and probably semester - ahead. However, you wanted nothing more than to call your boyfriend over and lay with him for the first time in weeks. You had let school get in the way of your relationship, and you missed Johnny desperately.

After getting somewhat accustomed to the chill of your room, you took the towel off and used in to squeeze some water from your hair. You moved over to where your phone was charging on your nightstand. You sat on the edge of your bed, careful not to let droplets from your hair soak your sheets. The screen of your phone showed a missed call from Johnny. He had called you during your shower and sent you a text soon after.

Johnny (3:24): Just wanted to chat for a sec. I miss you babe

Johnny (3:24): Busy today?

You smiled to yourself, the reassurance that he missed you too warming your heart. Your smile turned to a sly smirk as you looked at your phone. You couldn’t deny how many ways you missed him, and you were hoping you could get him feeling the same way.

You moved so that your knees were resting on your mattress, wet hair pulled over your shoulders. You took the towel and positioned it over you just so: one hand holding it over the middle of your chest with the rest of it gathered between your thighs. The sides of your breasts, stomach, and waist were still visible, the towel only cover enough to leave him wanting all of you. With your free hand, you held your phone up and away from you, getting as much of your body in the frame as you could. You excluded the top of your face from the image, only allowing him to see the way you bit your lower lip along with the way water dripped down your bare body from your hair. You snapped the picture and sent it to Johnny.

Yena (3:41): Sorry I missed your call. Just got out of the shower.

Yena (3:41): [image]

Yena (3:42): Can we be busy together tonight? I miss you, too

With that, you moved off your bed and to your closet for something to wear. If Johnny wanted to see more, it would have to be in person. You pulled on some underwear and grabbed one of Johnny’s shirts that you’d stolen over a year ago. Before you’d even finished pulling it over your head, you heard your phone ring.

———————————————————————————————————–

Johnny walked up the stairs toward the door, backpack slung lazily over one shoulder. His last professor for the day professor dropping a completely new schedule out of the blue had sent the entire class into panic. Everyone, including Johnny, would have to rework whatever plan they already had for the semester around Dr. Young’s new outline. The walk from his final class to his house seemed miles longer than normal, every step spent trying to figure out when he would even have the time to sit down and accommodate his routine for this new course outline. He was far too exhausted for it to only be the afternoon, but uptight professors had taken a toll on him these past few weeks. He was stressed to say the least.

Not to mention that he’d barely had the time to see the one person he knew would help him keep his head on straight during all the confusion. Johnny already felt too wrapped up in the problem to step back and solve it. Head down and phone in hand, he began typing out a - probably desperate sounding - message as he pulled the front door open.

“Johnny!” His name was shouted as soon as he walked through the door. He looked up to see Yuta sprawled out on a couch in the living room. Yuta sat up as his friend and fraternity brother walked through the door. From Johnny’s posture and the look on his face, Yuta could tell something was wrong.

“Hey, Yuta,” Johnny replied a little less enthusiastically than usual and forced a smile. Yuta watched as Johnny tossed his backpack down and slump into a recliner. He looked at him for a few seconds longer before standing and hitting Johnny’s knee as he passed.

“Are you done for the day?” Yuta asked.

“Yeah,” Johnny breathed out.

“Come eat with me,” Yuta said. “We just got pizza. My treat.”

“Who is we?” Johnny asked as he followed along. He was in a bad mood, but not bad enough to pass up free food.

“Mark, Doyoung, whoever else wanders in before it’s gone,” Yuta explained as he led the way to the kitchen. 

“Give me one sec,” Johnny called to Yuta as he moved towards the stairs. “I’m gonna put my stuff away.”

“Hurry back!” Yuta called back. 

Johnny moved up the stairs and to his room. He carefully took the camera bag in his hand and set in on his desk before less gracefully dumping his backpack on the floor. He took his phone out of his back pocket, looking over the message he began typing out before Yuta’s pizza invite. He changed the wording of his message, however he quickly changed his mind and retyped the old message. He went back and forth between drafts. After landing on his original message again, he decided to delete it and call you instead.

He kept the phone tight in his hand, stress level raising lightly when he was sent to your voicemail. He was thinking of what to say when a loud knock on his door startled him, causing him to promptly hang up.

“Hey!” Yuta said through the door. “Food’s ready. How long does it take to put away your things?”

“I’ll be right there,” Johnny groaned. He shoved his phone back into his pocket as he bound down the stairs to the kitchen. As he made his way in, he found Mark and Doyoung already sitting on the table with a plate of pizza in front of each of them. Yuta was at the counter, loading up a plate for himself. Johnny followed Yuta’s lead, grabbing a few slices of his own before turning to the fridge for a bottle of water. Before he could turn around, Yuta was taking the water out of his hand and replacing it with a beer.

“Yah!” Johnny exclaimed as Yuta closed the fridge and pushed Johnny towards the table.

“You’re done for the day, aren’t you?” Yuta asked with a smirk.

“Just because I’m done with class doesn’t mean I’m done entirely,” Johnny clarified.

“We both know one beer isn’t going to get you too drunk to do your homework,” Yuta rolled his eyes as he settled beside Mark, who had been gushing to Doyoung about some new song he’d discovered. 

Johnny took his pizza and beer and sat next to Doyoung, although he barely chimed into the conversation. He slipped his phone from his pocket, deciding to follow up his phone call with a quick text since he hadn’t left you a voicemail.

Johnny (3:24): Just wanted to chat for a sec. I miss you babe

Johnny (3:24): Busy today?

Every few minutes, he found himself checking his phone to see if you had tried to call him back or answer his texts. Eventually, he accidentally tuned his brothers out entirely, aimless scrolling through social media in the hopes of seeing a notification from you as soon as it popped up. He only looked up to grab his pizza, taking a large bite before returning to flipping idly through his phone.

“Yah. Johnny.”

Johnny looked up from his phone, suddenly confused and embarrassed as all eyes were on him. He moved his gaze from Mark and Doyoung’s stares to the source of the voice. Yuta was sitting across from Johnny, his soft expression in contrast to the loud voice he’d used to get Johnny’s attention.

“What’s going on?” Yuta asked, voice now matching expression.

“Just eating,” Johnny replied. Yuta chuckled softly.

“You know what I mean,” he said. “You’ve seemed down ever since you walked in the door. What’s wrong?”

Johnny sighed, tossing his phone on the table as he tried to find the words to explain what all was troubling him.

“Is it Yena stuff?” Mark blurted out, making all eyes move to him instead. His face turned red as he said, “Sorry, hyung. I, I wasn’t thinking before I said that out loud.”

“Does Mark being an idiot make you feel better?” Doyoung spoke up. The smooth delivery of his comment made Johnny and Yuta burst into laughter and a tomato-red Mark put his head down on the table.

“I mean, he’s totally wrong,” Johnny laughed out lightly. The other three died down their laughter quickly, looking to their friend with concern written across their faces. 

“Oh shit, for real?” Yuta asked.

“I mean, we’re okay I think,” Johnny explained, “We’re not fighting or anything, but I haven’t even seen her enough to argue with her lately.”

“What’s stopping you from seeing her?” Doyoung asked.

“School just hit me really hard the past couple weeks,” Johnny groaned out. “My professors can’t make up their minds on our schedules and now I can barely keep my shit straight from reorganizing my plans.”

“And you’re not getting that stress relief from Yena?” Yuta teased, attempting to lighten the mood with a suggestive eyebrow raise as he tossed back more of his beer.

“Yeah, to be honest,” Johnny muttered loud enough for the others to hear.

“Wait! What?” Mark jerked his head up.

“I mean,” Johnny stretched his words out with a cocked head and a playful shrug. “I haven’t even heard from her today, so we definitely haven’t had time for other things.”

“Woah, woah, hyung,” Mark said through awkward laughter. Beside him, Yuta was almost red with laughter.

“Hey,” Yuta laughed out, “if you’re used to fucking all the time, a few weeks feels like a damn lifetime of celibicy.”

“Yah!” Doyoung interjected. “Stop. Mark’s a baby.”

His teasing only made Mark more embarrassed and the older boys laugh even more. Johnny finished off his pizza and beer, and he moved from his seat to clean his plate in the sink. Yuta slipped his plate in for Johnny to wash, a small fee for free food. Johnny quickly scrubbed down the plates before placing them in the drying rack.

“So, Johnny-hyung,” Yuta turned to Johnny, who was now leaning against the counter with another beer in hand, “why don’t you just, you know, ask Yena if you can..?”

“Nah, you guys told me girls don’t like that,” Mark interjected. “I thought you couldn’t lead with wanting sex because they’ll think that’s all you want from them.”

“They’ve been together for two years!” Yuta quipped. “It’s a little different after you’re committed for this long. They’re both without right now. It’s not like Yena will care.”

“Yeah I don’t think she cares,” Doyoung said, an awkward twinge to his phone. His eyes wide and looking down at Johnny’s phone, the screen illuminated from its place on the table. “Hyung, you, um - you got a text.”

His statement and demeanor drew the attention of the other two at the table. Both sets of fresh eyes went wide, an “oh shit” coming from Yuta’s mouth and a red tinge appearing on Mark’s ears to match Doyoung’s cheeks. Yuta was the first to tear his eyes away, snapping out of whatever trance the boys were in and covering the phone with his hand. “That’s not for us to see.”

“What is it?” Johnny asked as he reached for his phone. Yuta moved his hand away, not daring to look back at the device now that Johnny had come closer. Johnny held the phone up, his notifications displayed despite the locked screen, images included. Taking up most of his screen was a string of messages from you.

Yena (3:41): Sorry I missed your call. Just got out of the shower.

Yena (3:41): [image]

Yena (3:42): Can we be busy together tonight? I miss you, too

In between the two text messages was a photo of you. One hand was holding the camera far enough away to get a full shot of your body, which was only covered by the towel your other hand was pressing to your chest. Wet hair and skin, you were obviously fresh out of the shower when you sent it, and you were obviously just as needy for Johnny as he was for you. 

He would have been wholeheartedly focused on how absolutely breathtaking you were to him, if it weren’t for the fact that you’d taken away the breath of three of his closest friends. He looked back at Yuta, Doyoung, and Mark, all of whom averted their eyes. Johnny could feel a little rage building in him as it sunk in that this is what they’d all stared at far too long. Johnny looked back at his phone, reading your last message again. Can we be busy together tonight?

“You’re all really fucking lucky I don’t have the time to kill you,” Johnny told them, only half-joking, as he walked out of the kitchen and towards his room, calling you as he went.

———————————————————————————————————–

“Hello,” you answered your phone as casually as possible, worried that Johnny would practically hear the teasing smirk plastered on your face if you were too obvious about teasing him upfront.

“Hey, baby,” Johnny’s smooth voice filled your ear. “What, uh - what are you up to?”

“Just got dressed,” you said. You let that statement set it for adding, “I’ll probably start on some assignments in a bit.”

“Same,” Johnny replied, completely ignoring your first comment. “I’ve got some reworking to do to my assignment scheduling.”

“Again?” You asked, genuinely distracted from your little act.

“Again,” he confirmed. “Dr. Young. Again.”

“Well,” you began as you gathered your laptop and notebook and took them to your desk, “Could we work on it together? We don’t have to if you’re too busy, but I really miss you.”

“I miss you, too, baby girl,” Johnny said, the sincerity in his voice making your heart flutter. “Let me gather my stuff up and I’ll be over in a bit.”

“Be safe,” you told him as you opened your laptop, attempting to type with one hand.

“Always,” he assured you. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

[churb]

Okay so this is something that I've had on my mind since it came up and I just need to speak about it, sorry in advance if it's super long.

When the idea of proper age verification on the site first came up, everyone was pretty happy with the idea of it, myself included. Discussions on the Discord continued and inevitably someone asked if this meant it would be allowed to continue conversations/rp off-site... which one of the staff responded with 'yes'. This was a while ago so I can't remember the full conversation but it was generally because those going off-site would be verified as not being a minor.

But this didn't sit right with me, and still doesn't to this day. The whole concept of this site is to be nearly completely anonymous, and if everyone's going to be jumping at the first opportunity to take their chats off-site then it's really not going to go well. And I know this for a fact; because I myself have personally experienced it.

When Cherp was having issues back in late 2019 and everyone was uncertain if the site would shutdown for good, there was a huge scramble of everyone trying to get their favorite rps off-site. I personally never asked anyone to continue elsewhere, although I was eventually approached by two different partners if I'd like to continue through Discord.

One rp I was really in to at the time so I was happy enough to accept, whilst the other was just... eh, but I went through with it anyway as I didn't want to seem rude by refusing.

Here's... where things go downhill. And I mean REALLY downhill.

The first rp which I moved off-site with (the one I was really into) was great at first, replies continued steadily for the first few weeks but eventually they began to slow and their quality and length dropped. When you rp for a while it's easy to tell when people lost interest and it was pretty obvious to me my partner was reaching that moment. I felt terrible because it was clear that they couldn't exactly just d/c on Discord and they seemed determined enough to continue for as long as they had the strength to, but after replies taking days to come from them, they inevitably stopped and I never messaged them again.

The second one is... much worse. This was the rp I wasn't as interested in, although it didn't really require as much time. As the previous one was a good few paragraphs with each reply, with one was mainly just a few lines, perhaps even a full paragraph if I decided to get really descriptive or multi-muse. It was a fun rp... and I wish it stayed that way. My partner started trying to get really close with me, often talking about their day and their problems (doesn't sound that bad huh?) but then it escalated. They'd full on stop rping just to start venting to me about family and friend problems like I could somehow help.

The worst part was... pretty confusing. Throughout the day when they'd be keeping me updated with whatever they were doing, they'd send me pictures of where they were... pictures of their face with clear buildings or monuments in the background. They tried to coerce me into doing the same a few times but I quickly shot them down by saying I wasn't comfortable showing my face to people on the internet who I barely knew. I didn't realise it at the time but what they themselves were doing was pretty dangerous, just from the images I'd been sent I'm sure it would be easy enough to track them down.

It was getting too uncomfortable for me so I eventually ended up blocking them I deleted them, but it's always kinda freaked me out to this day how willingly they were with sending me easily identifiable pictures of themselves, without me even asking, and even continuing when I gave them nothing back.

I don't really know if I've got much of a point in typing all this out to be honest, but it's just something I wanted to say. If they eventually do allow messages off-site, please think twice before doing it. And PLEASE don't give your partners any personal information.

They're not your friends just because your characters are.

I... Hm. I mean, it does suck you had a horrible time. It really does. But I guess my thing is... I don’t go off-site with people, unless we’re friends? Like. My RPs are at high numbers of pages because we often OoC a lot.

There is something to be said about boundaries though. People need to like. ASK before they do shit like that. Like, I’ll send pictures of my pets to folks randomly if it seems like they’re having a piss-poor day. But yea. You def should have put your foot down on that picture stuff. And if they didn’t respect? Block. Or do as you did, and block them when you feel uncomf.

Same with trading off-site info. Don’t feel bad saying no. That’s one of the most important rules to life you can learn. Your boundaries are to be respected. Do not feel guilty for having them. Just tell people no. It’s scary, and it’s difficult. Trust me, I’m terrified of the word. But it makes life easier if you hit that level of ‘Fuck this, if they don’t respect it, they don’t deserve my time.’

But at the same time, on my main blogs, I have pictures of me, with my face, people who’ve followed me for a long while probs DEF know where I live. So I’m not super huge on hiding it because hey, people will find a way to track me if they want, and good for them I guess. I’m boring as hell IRL.

[deities-fanfiction]

Bakusquad movie night with jenny

wooooah jennys making EVEN MORE CONTENT-shut up!

It was an average Sunday afternoon. Jenny was listening to the first Percy Jackson audio book for the fifth time when there was a knock at the girls door. She paused and took off her headphones , saying a usual “one sec!” before she opened the door.

 At the door was Sero. Or as jenny wrote in her diary , piano teeth. “we’re setting up a movie night for the bakusquad. Wanna join in?” he asked. Jenny smiled at the thought. It had been a while since she hung with the bakusquad and she missed those goofballs. “I’m down.” jenny told Sero.

 Mr.soy sauce took jenny by the hand and led her to the couch where kaminari and Mina were sitting. Mina threw her arms around jenny. “yaaas the other queen has arrived!” she cheered. Jenny laughed and patted Mina’s back.

 Kaminari high fived Sero. “I’m surprised she came too.” the blonde stated. Jenny looked over at pikachu. “well I guess listening to Percy mess up for the fifth time isn't better than annoying Katsuki.” she smirked.

 “oi the hell are idiots talking about?” speak of the devil. Bakougo walked over to the group with Kiri right behind him.

 Jenny looked back at him and smiled “me annoying you~” she said honestly. A flick to the ear later and Bakougo was next to jenny on the couch. “yeah yeah , feisty.” he mumbled. Kiri was on the other side of jenny while mina was by bakougo. Kaminari was on a pile of pillows on the floor while sero was still standing up.

 He pulled out two DVD’s. “okay first decision. What are we watching?” he asked. The two films were spirited away and infinity war. “all for spirited away raise your hand.” sero said.

 Jenny , bakougo , mina and kiri wanted spirited away.

 “well damn that’s a majority vote. Sorry denki we lost this one.” sero said before he turned to pop the dvd in.

 Kaminari sighed “ah man! Alright mina you and me are on snacks.” he said before he got up. Alien queen stood up too and giggled. “sucks for you goldie locks!”.

 “kiri and jen are on blankie duty.” sero said as he put the infinity war dvd on the coffee table. “wait hey arent those my dvd’s what the hell dude?” she snatched the case. Sero snickered. “maybe.”. kiri  was already up and hauling a pissy jenny away from beating up Sero for snooping in her room.  

 Eventually jenny just followed the red head to his room. “I keep a bunch of blankets and stuff in my bottom drawer!” Kirishima said as he knelt down to open the drawer. He handed two to jenny and held the other three himself. “omg eij are these themed to the squad?” jenny asked. Kiri blushed a bit as they walked back “maybe.” he admitted.

 As they were doing this sero and bakougo were helping set up the snacks with mina and denki. To announce their presence jenny dumped her and bakougo’s blankets onto bakougo’s head. “ah- fiesty why?” he grumbled as he took them off his head. Jenny jumped over the back of the couch to sit back down. “cause I can.” she replied before wrapping her own blanket around her.

 Okay since you obviously want to know ; jenny’s blanket is baby pink with little purple jellyfish all over it. Bakougo’s is black woth die printed in orange printed all over it. Denki’s is a pikachu blanket and sero has a spiderman one. Mina had a black and pink tiger print blanket with kiri having a red blanket with a shark on it.

 Alright that’s out of my system.

 So sero pressed play on the movie. The ads went by as everyone got comfortable. Mina leaned on the side of the couch with kaminari on the floor in front of her. Like I said , sero was on the chair while jenny was between kiri and katsuki.

 As the movie began to play jenny felt the familiar calm wash over her as it did every time she watched spirited away. The soothing music and beautiful animation was perfect to her. The effort put into this film , like many others , made jenny smile to herself.

 Lets be honest the snacks were all eaten by mina , kiri and denki. C a n o n. and lets be honest sero has fallen asleep by the first 30 minutes. His famous last words are “no no im still listening.”. fucking jr grandpa iida here-

 And yes I call him grandpa Iida.

 Suddenly Bakougo spoke up. “I bet lin’s your fav , feisty.” he nudged Jennys leg with his. She snickered and hit his chest with her hand. “most definitely. She doesn’t take shit lying down.” the girl shrugged. Katsuki snickered.  “so she’s just as difficult as you?” he added.

 Jenny kicked his leg with hers. “hey you ass you were planning that the whole time werent you!” she crossed her arms.

 “oh both of you shush!” Mina told the pair. Kaminari looked up from his place on the floor “you act like siblings way too much for it to be normal! Jen you sure you haven’t known kaa-chan for longer than a few months?” he jabbed.

 Jenny tensed a bit but shook it off as the movie continued. As scene by scene went by the music along with the comments from her friends the girl between kiri and kastuki fell asleep , falling back onto the red heads shoulder.

 As kiri pulled the blanket over his friend , Chihiro and her own friends rode the train to swamp bottom. He put a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter as Jenny drooled a bit in her sleep.

 The familiar voice of Yaoyorozu interrupted the moment. She had come out to check on the group before going to sleep. Her hair was down instead of in its usual pony tail. She pointed at jenny who was out cold “if you want I can get her to her room.” momo offered. Kiri smiled at the class vice president “don’t worry I’ll take her.” he politely declined.

 Momo nodded “don’t stay up too late.” she told the group. Mina called her no fun while Bakougo yawned and told mina to shut her mouth. Momo just nodded and went to her room.

 Once the movie was over mina and bakougo retreated to their rooms first. Sero had woken up and was taking out the disk. Kiri looked over at him and said “remember to get those back to jens room. She’ll kick your ass if you don’t give them back.”.

 Sero agreed. “yeah I will im not an asshole…most of the time.” he shrugged before putting on that signature smile and placing the disk back in its case. He took both the case he had taken and put them on the coffee table. Then he took the snack containers to the kitchen.

 While flex tape was doing that kiri picked up jen , still wrapped in her blanket. Still drooling…of course. “I might just let you keep this blanket…that is if you drool on it more.” bestie shark chuckled as he carried jenny to her room and if you think that anyone in 1A cant carry someone like its nothing your dumb these guys are absolutely shredded are you kidding working out if a hobby for half of them. Ok lil weird tangent over-

 Kiri held onto jenny with one arm , propping her up with his leg as he used his now semi free hand to open her dorm door. Once inside he shifted to hold her higher up before he bent over her bed and placed her gently onto it. Kiri moved back to go back out. When he got back to the couch he found that sero had left the cases on the table. He sighed and swiped them before heading back to jennys room.

 The dvd cases now set in their place in jennys massive movie shelf. “man how long as she been collecting. Got diverse taste at least…” eijiro marveled at the different movies his friend had gotten in the past what…[shit I need to check-] like almost 13 years so since she [I] was like 2…my parents like movies okay-

 Barbie , veggietales , marvel , DC , anime sets liek sailor moon and inuyasha , a silent voice and okkos inn. She also had the platnum disney and anniversarary disney dvd’s. along with one offs like rio , storks , kubo and the two strings.

 Ok bird theme.

 Speaking of birds.

 A loud chirp came from the bird cage in the upper corner of jenny’s room right by the door to her balcony. Right…buttercup. A small yellow bird jenny adored. Buttercups a brat but a cute one. Kiri glanced at jenny , worried she’d wake up. “shh! Your gonna wake your like…mom up? She calls you your mom right?” did he really just ask a bird this question. But never the less buttercup shushed herself.

 Kirishima sighed in relief as his shoulders lowered. He looked over at jenny again. She had moved positions to hold her oh so beloved minecraft squid plushie in her arms. And yes I have him irl. His name is Bartholomew and he likes sporks. Squids , octopi , birds and lizards were her favorite animals. Basically dinosours...

 And yes she was still drooling. Kiri took a tissue from jenny’s desk and wiped the drool from her mouth before he shut her mouth.

 Then he left the room. Turning off the light and shutting the door as he did. “night.”

[bazypitchandsimonsnow]

The Black Swan

Chapter 5

Rating: T

Genre: Fluff/Angst

Word count: 4418

Chapter: 5/17 (All chapters)

Summary: Baz and Simon get to know each other more.

Read on AO3

AN: Sorry for posting so late. I had actual irl friends over lol. Hope you guys like this. It's short but has some necessary information.

———————————————

“And if you get up on higher ground,” Simon yelled, “you’ve got an advantage over your opponent.”

Simon hopped on the small collection of rocks just in time to parry Baz’s thrust. Baz didn’t stumble back. He had gotten a lot better at holding his own and staying steady. Though a lot of his skill did still come in his precise eye. He still went for accurate moves rather than Simon’s strong but wild slashes and thrusts. It was like a roaring flame versus creeping ice. Simon’s former last name seemed very apt.

“I think you just like being taller for once,” Baz said.

Simon’s mouth dropped open in offended disbelief. “You’re not even a head taller than me!”

“That still makes you shorter.”

Simon growled and hit Baz’s stick hard. But Baz wasn’t knocked off balance. He held his ground. And Simon could see a glint in his eye. Something suddenly worked out in his big scholar brain. Before he knew it, Simon was being jabbed just under his rib, and all the wind flew right out of his lungs. He stumbled back on instinct, and soon there wasn’t anything under his feet. He landed on the ground with a painful thud, and his head hit with an even more painful crack. Simon groaned and rubbed his aching skull. When he opened his eyes, Baz was looming over him, stick pointing down, smirk playing on his mouth.

“My point,” he drawled with more than enough smugness. “Maybe the higher ground isn’t always an advantage.”

“Prick,” Simon grumbled. “At least help me up?”

Simon reached up, and Baz rolled his eyes, but took his hand anyway. He used all his considerable strength to haul Simon to his feet. Simon was still astounded by how strong Baz was. It made his heartbeat skip for a moment. Which was odd. That had never happened before.

“What’s the match count now?” Baz asked.

Simon shrugged. “Um, I think it’s twenty six for me and four for you.”

Baz’s eyes narrowed, frowning slightly. It was easy with the way his lips were shaped. Simon was pretty sure his face was made for pouting. “That can’t be right.”

“I’m the real sword fighter, remember?”

“With the coordination of a charging ox.”

Simon shrugged again. “Hate it all you want, but I’m still beating you.”

“I don’t like to lose,” Baz muttered, most probably to himself. Simon had certainly learned that. For someone who’d had limited company for probably years before Simon, he was insanely competitive. He wanted to be the best. Simon wondered if Baz competed with the other swans before he showed up.

Baz stuck his stick in the ground and stretched his arms to the sky. Simon’s eyes were drawn to the way his lithe back curved for a moment, but he quickly looked away. When Baz dropped his stick, Simon knew that meant sparring was over. He did the same, then followed Baz to the edge of the lake. Baz sat cross legged just as a swan came close. Baz ushered it closer. The bird came out of the water and laid itself in Baz’s lap without hesitation. He petted it’s feathers softly. Simon had only ever seen this sort of kindness in Baz when he was with a swan.

“You really like those birds, huh?” Simon said.

Baz gave one brief nod. “They’re very sweet, in reality. And...they’ve been good company all these years.”

Simon smiled slightly. It was good, that Baz had company. Curiosity overwhelmed him, as it tended to. He reached towards the swan cautiously, just hoping to pet it’s head. But it instantly stretched forward and honked at Simon, almost biting his finger. The sound was so strange and loud that Simon yelped in response. He fell onto his back, staring at the starry sky, instinctively clutching the hand that was almost de-fingered.

There was a strange noise. Tiny little sounds that Simon had never heard before in this lake. He looked up to see Baz hunched over, shoulders shaking, giggling. Fucking giggling. It was so strange, yet incredible. His grey eyes crinkled at the corners, thin mouth stretching so much bigger. He looked far less like the stern statue or smirking asshole Simon had come to know. He looked far more...human.

“Stop laughing at me,” Simon grumbled, pushing himself up to sitting once more.

“I wouldn’t be laughing if it wasn’t so funny,” he said while still sputtering slightly. “Did you never learn to not approach wild animals?”

Simon huffed. “If I knew that, I never would’ve found you.”

“Hm, true enough.” He went back to petting his bird. “She’s actually very sweet. She just has to get to know you.” He scratched under beak. The sound she made was probably the closest a swan could get to a purr. Baz smiled. “See? A complete darling.”

Simon couldn’t help but smile himself. It was far too sweet not to. Baz really was far more than what he’d first appeared to be. And Simon knew he deserved more than what he was stuck with.

“So, uh, Baz,” Simon said slowly, “I’ve been talking to my friend.”

“Good for you,” Baz replied, voice dripping in sarcasm.

“Oh, fuck off. What I mean is that she’s a mage too, and she’s really smart. So I asked her and she told me stuff. About curses.”

Baz’s back went ramrod straight. He was so quick it almost spooked his avian companion, who flapped her wings and honked in protest. Baz calmed her down with petting again.

“I see,” he said quietly. “What did she say?”

———————————————

“Curses?” Penny said, still blinking sleep from her eyes. “You want to know what I know about curses?”

Simon nodded vigorously. “Yeah, yes please.”

Penny gave him a disbelieving, annoyed look over her spectacles. “Seriously?”

“Yes!”

“But why?!”

Simon froze up. Shit. He hadn’t thought this far into the conversation. He stared at Penny for a ridiculously long time. Penny got more and more frustrated, her face pulling more and more together, like someone was pinching it together.

“Simon-”

“I’m curious,” Simon blurted out.

Penny’s gaze got even more critical. “You’re curious?”

“Yeah. W-We never learned about curses in school. I wanna know more, about them.”

“At the crack of dawn?”

“...yes.”

Penny eyed him up and down. Simon hoped his deception wasn’t showing. It wasn’t even really a deception really. More like, omitting some of the truth. He was curious, he did want to know more about them. But it was for a specific reason. For a specific person.

She shook her head, and gestured Simon inside. “Get your stupid arse in here.”

Simon scurried inside. Penny quietly closed the door behind him. They were opposite each other. Penny sat with her legs and arms crossed in the wooden chair. Simon sat on the sofa, knee bouncing up in down.

“So, curses,” Penny said, “what do you want to know?”

“Everything,” Simon blurted out. “I-I need to know everything.”

Penny groaned and rubbed her forehead. “Gods, Simon, you’re seriously going to be the death of me. Fine. Curses, here’s what I know.” She leaned forward, elbows on her knees. “Curses are one of the most ancient form of magic. They involve trapping someone somewhere or changing them to be however the caster desires. Usually, it was used as a form of punishment, vengeance, or to teach a person a lesson. Like cursing an arrogant prince to be ugly so he learns humility.”

Simon nodded along. “Okay, cool. They’re not used a lot anymore, right?”

“Yeah, no one curses anyone anymore. It’s stupid.”

“But why?”

“Because curses are dumb. They’re overly complicated to create, hard to cast, and really not that useful. Look at those fairy tales you love, Si. The curse is always broken and the caster gets punished. That’s accurate to the olden days. Curses were never effective. They were always broken eventually, because they had to be.”

Simon’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Penny sighed. “Curses are powerful magic, Si. Taking that much power for too long could cause serious damage to the magical atmosphere. There has to be a safety measure so that power can return. So no matter how much you hate a person and want them to suffer, a curse will always have a means of escape.”

“Really? Always?!” Simon’s heart was beating two fold. He was excited. There was hope. There was hope for Baz.

Penny nodded. “Yeah, always. Any case of someone trying to cast a permanent curse backfired on them horrifically. I guess it’s magic’s way of making sure we put in that safety measure.”

“Okay, okay. How do you break curses?”

“Ah, that I actually don’t know.”

Simon was very shocked. He wasn’t used to Penny not knowing something. It was rarer than a blue moon. “You don’t know?”

Penny made a funny face, twisting her lips and tapping her fingers. “Well, I know there’s some universal curse breaking stuff, like a generic reversal potion or true love’s kiss. But that’s basic shite. If the mage is clever, the way to break the curse will be specific. Like you’re forced to dance every night and someone has to match your steps for the curse to be broken. Shit like that.”

“Okay, got it.” Simon scratched his chin like some thoughtful scholar. “So, if I want to break a specific curse, how would I find out how to do that?”

Her eyes get very suspicious. “Simon, what is this really about?”

Simon didn’t want to lie to Penny. He hated the idea of lying to his best friend. But he also knew Baz was supposed to be hidden. It was already a huge risk for Simon to know about him. Another person knowing could be dangerous. Simon didn’t want to put Baz in more danger. If this all worked out, he’d apologize to Penny later and beg for her forgiveness.

“David is trying to help my magic development,” he said. “He gave me this hypothetical about someone who’s been cursed. It’s stupid so I didn’t want to talk about it before.”

Penny still didn’t look convinced. Simon gulped down the massive lump in his throat. His palms were definitely sweating. He wasn’t good at lying. Penny knew that. But Simon stayed resolute, because he wanted to protect Baz.

“Alright,” she sighed. “I get it, David likes to mess with you.”

Simon tried to hide his relief. He nodded rapidly. “Yeah, he’s trying to challenge me.”

“Sure, whatever. Anything else I can do to help you solve this?”

He twisted his mouth and drummed his fingers. He looked up at her with a kind smile. “Got any books I could borrow?”

———————————————

“And she gave me these.” Simon took the large volumes out of his old, slowly falling apart rucksack. It was only a few of the books Penny had leant him from her family’s extensive library. They had stuff even the royal library didn’t have. If anything could help, Bunce family books would.

Baz took one of the books, running a hand over it. His expression was still blank and bored. He didn’t seem as interested as he should be. This could break his curse and set him free. Shouldn’t he be excited?

“I see,” he said. “You think the answer to my curse could be in one of these books?”

“Maybe.” Baz gave a skeptical look. Simon pulled in on himself. “I-I can’t be sure. Penny said there’s no ‘curse encyclopedia’ with every possible curse in it. We just have to look.”

Baz made a complicated face. Eyebrows knitted together, pouty lips downturned, but his eyes didn’t look angry or sad. Simon could almost swear he looked worried. Almost scared. But that couldn’t be right. What did Baz have to be worried about? This was a good thing. This was a chance for him to escape.

“Very well,” he said. “We better start reading then.”

Baz opened the book, carefully balancing it on his knee, away from his now sleeping pet swan. Simon simply nodded and opened his own book. The two fell into companionable silence. Simon tried to focus on the pages, but his eyes drifted upwards every once in awhile. Every time, Baz was still reading, and his face was still blank. But Simon still liked to look at him. Maybe it was some irrational fear over Baz suddenly disappearing. Maybe it was just because he was nice to look at. Simon didn’t think about it too much, and went back to reading.

———————————————

“Good gods, Simon,” David barked. “You look like a mess.”

Good morning to you too, Davy, Simon wanted to snap. Why the king thought that was a good way to greet his adopted son was beyond him. He did look like a mess though, but he had for weeks. The fact that David was only noticing now spoke volumes about his relationship with Simon.

“Apologies, Father,” Simon said quietly.

“Why do you look so disheveled?”

Because I’ve been spending most of my nights with a swan boy and the few hours I do sleep are plagued with weird nightmares, he thought. Saying it in his mind helped him resist the urge to say it out loud. “I’ve just been studying hard, that’s all. Working on my magic control.”

David shook his head. He did that a lot with Simon. “Very well. That is an area you definitely lack in.” Simon flinched slightly at the bite in his voice. David turned and gestured for Simon to follow.” Let’s get going. There’s someone you must see. Fix your jacket before we arrive.”

Simon trailed behind David, re-buttoning his brocade jacket as they went. Who would David want him to see? A visiting diplomat? Some influential lord? Either way, Simon was dfar too tired to deal with them.

They entered the grand hall together. Simon hand to bend around David to see. But when he did, a smile immediately burst across his face.

“Aggie!” He yelled. His heart immediately felt light and happy. Agatha grinned back at him. She looked amazing. Her skin was beautifully tanned, hair sun bleached near white. Obviously the far southern coast had treated her well. But he’d missed her so much, and he was so happy to her again.

Simon ran forward, eager to wrap his arms around his friends. Agatha ran as well. But that was quickly stopped.

“Simon!” David barked. “Behave yourself.”

“Agatha,” Lady Wellbelove said gravely.

Both the prince and the lady stopped in their tracks, though slid a bit on the polished floor. Simon hung his head with arms behind his back.

“Sorry, Father,” Simon said quietly.

“Apologies, Mother,” Agatha echoed.

“Greet the young Lady Wellbelove properly, Simon.”

Simon nodded. He straightened his posture, put one arm behind his back and the other over his stomach, and bowed deeply. “It’s a pleasure to see you, Lady Wellbelove. I hope you enjoyed your excursion.”

Agatha in turn held her skirt in both hands and curtsied properly. “Thank you, your highness. It’s an honour to be in your presence.”

That hit Simon in the gut. It shouldn’t be an honour for Agatha to see him. It should be normal. They were inseparable at school. Roght ow it felt like there was a wall of glass between them. They could see each other, but were forced apart. Simon hated that.

They straightened up, facing each other again. David and Lady Wellbelove had moved to right behind them both. David put a firm hand on Simon’s shoulder.

“We’re very happy to have you back in court, your ladyship,” he said. “We have much to discuss, Lady Wellbelove. Simon, you should show the young Lady around the castle. There have been some improvements she should see.”

Simon nodded. “Of course, Father.” Simon offered his arm like how he was taught. Agatha took it like she was taught. “Shall we, my lady?”

“We shall,” Agatha replied.

The pair walked off towards the main exit. Simon turned his head back slightly. He saw David and Lady Wellbelove with their heads together. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but whatever it was, it caused a rare smile on the king’s face. He turned back, and tried to think nothing of it.

Once Simon and Agatha were far out of sight and earshot, there was no more need for the glass wall. Simon wrapped his arms around Agatha in a crushing bear hug. He held her so tight her feet lifted from the ground. Agatha giggled and hugged him back just as hard.

“So glad you’re back, Aggie,” he said, muffled in her shoulder.

Agatha giggled. “Happy to be back, Si.”

He put her down, but hugged her for a bit longer. He was just so happy to see her after months away. He knew she wanted to go somewhere new after graduating school, but still, it hurt to not have her around. He missed his friend. They eventually pulled apart, enormous smiles on their faces.

“How have you been, Si?” she asked. “So much must’ve changed. Your hair has somehow gotten more wild.”

She ruffled his curls. He chuckled and playfully pushed her hand away. “Stop it, Ags. If someone points it out to David, he’ll make me cut it.”

“Oh what a tragedy. Simon Snow looking all courtly and royal.”

Simon grinned, both because of her teasing and her using his name. She liked to do that. It was her small way of telling Simon he was more than a prince to her. That his original name wasn’t totally gone just because King David said so.

“It would look terrible on me, trust me.” He offered his hand. Agatha took it. They walked down the grand hall together, swinging their arms back and forth. “So how was the south coast?”

Agatha sighed dreamily. “Oh, it was magical. The sea was sparkling blue, the sand was bright white, just gorgeous. I’d be happy staying there forever.”

Simon grinned. His heart felt warm. He was happy when his friends were happy. “Sounds incredible. I would love to see it one day. If David ever lets me out of princely duties.”

Simon meant it to be a joke, but Agatha’s face suddenly fell. Her pretty pink lips pressed together. She held Simon’s hand tighter. “Ags? What’s wrong? You alright?”

Agatha sighed heavily, then stopped out of nowhere. Simon stopped with her of course. She took his other hand. “Simon,” she said quietly, “do you know why I’m back?”

“Because...your trip is done. Right?”

“No,” she sighed, “it wasn’t. I was supposed to stay for another eight weeks. But Mother said I had to come back now. Before the winter ball.”

That was...weird. The winter ball? That was a fun court event, sure, but hardly a reason to cut a trip short. “W-Why?”

Agatha’s face got even more tense. She pulled Simon to a nearby stone bench. They sat together on the cold rock under a grand landscape picture of the countryside. It felt far too cheery for what seemed to be solemn conversation.

“Simon,” Agatha said, “my parents have been talking to King David a lot. All three have apparently agreed that the two of us, we’d be a good match. For marriage. And they want to announce the engagement at the winter ball.”

The world stopped spinning for a long moment. Simon felt his stomach drop, the whole organ plummeting down into the depths of the Earth itself. He knew he was looking at Agatha with incredibly wide eyes and mouth so large he’d catch flies. He just...he couldn’t believe it.

“What!?” he shouted. “They...they’re seriously planning for that?”

Agatha nodded solemnly. “That’s what my Mum says. They think that because we’re friends we’d make a good arranged match. I’m from a good noble house too, which helps. And, well, our children would have noble blood because of me. The court would like that.”

Because I’m still a commoner at heart, Simon thought. It was a painful but grounding truth. Dress him up in fancy coats, give him a crown, call him Prince, but deep down the court would always still think of him as Simon Snow, the little orphan with a rough accent and poor blood. Simon couldn’t blame them. He still thought of himself that way too. The only difference was that Simon never saw it as a bad thing.

Simon found himself nodding as well. “I see. But, Aggie, I just, I don’t, I’ve never thought-”

“Of me in that way?” Agatha ran a comforting hand over Simon’s. “Don’t worry, Si, me neither. I mean, I thought I did. We both did. But we both know how that worked out.”

Simon chuckled under his breath. Yeah, that embarrassment came back to haunt him occasionally. Memories of Agatha and Simon as two awkward fifteen year olds, holding hands for the first time, trying to make feelings they didn’t have magically appear, because everyone said they were cute. Other students cooed and awed. That didn’t help at all. But when the two finally kissed, just a sweet short peck, Agatha had been the first to say she didn’t feel anything. Simon had been relieved, because he didn’t feel anything either. They went back to friends, and it was the best decision they ever made. And now, they were being forced together once more. But this time there probably wouldn’t be a way out of it.

“Fuck,” Simon breathed. “This is bad.”

“Yeah agreed,” Agatha added.

“I’m not sure what to do.”

“Me neither."

Simon scratched his head. "We could ask Penny. She usually has the answers.”

“When it comes to magic? Yes. When it comes to matter of court? I don’t think so.”

They giggled. It was quiet, private. A joke between friends. That was all they were meant to be, friends. Simon knew that, as did Agatha. But here they were. Once they were done, both leaned against the wall, still holding hands.

“I don’t want this,” Agatha whispered, voice slightly strained, slightly angereed. “I don’t want to be the prize for a good deal my parents made with the king. I want to be with someone who chose me. I want them to love me. It sounds stupid, but...I want to be someone’s everything.”

Simon squeezed her hand. “It’s not stupid, Ags. I want someone to love me too. Hell, I definitely wouldn’t mind being someone’s everything.”

“Right? It would be fantastic. I’ve never felt anything close to that yet though. Have you?”

Simon shook his head. He couldn’t say he had. No one had ever made him feel like he was their everything. And no one had ever felt close to being his. The closest thing he’d had to that feeling, well, his obsession with finding Baz. The way it consumed his every waking thought and occasionally his sleeping ones to. But that was it. And that wasn’t an everything feeling, right?

“We should probably get back to them,” Agatha said. Simon could hear the sadness in her words. He squeezed her hand once more.

“Yeah. Not just yet, though.”

The corner of Agatha’s lip quirked up. “Okat not yet.”

And so the best friends sat there. Silent, worried, but happy to be next to each other again.

———————————————

Agatha and Lady Wellbelove left shortly after. Simon bid them proper farewells, a far cry from the crushing goodbye hug he gave Agatha before entering the ballroom again. Then he was brought with David into the King’s Study. David sat in his satin chair behind the large oak desk. Even though he was the one standing, Simon felt incredibly small.

“So,” David said smoothly, “I trust the young Lady Wellbelove has already informed you of the reason for her early arrival.” Simon nodded once. “Good. Then this discussion will be brief. There still needs to be some more negotiations, so the engagement announcement will be held off on until the winter ball.”

“Father, I-” Simon took a deep breath, trying to smooth out his cluttered thoughts. “Father, Aga- the Young Lady Wellbelove and I discussed this. And, to be honest...neither of us want this engagement. We’re very close friends but we aren’t in love each other like. We’d prefer it not to happen.”

David scoffed. Simon’s heart sank. “Love?” The King said the word like it was a terrible disease. “Simon, love is not important here. I’m creating a new laws, new ideals, a new dynasty. It will be your job to continue it, to make sure it goes beyond even the Pitches.” He said the old royal name with the same inflection as love. “So if marrying a friend you’re not in love with will assure that, so be it.”

“But, David-!”

“No buts, Simon. You can’t think with your heart. I haven’t, not ever, and look at all I’ve achieved.” He stretched both his arms out, indicating his beautiful study with lots of fancy cloths, shiny metals, and big books. All things Simon didn’t even like. “This will be good for us. And remember, I’m always ‘Father’, not David. I chose working for the good of the people over wife and child, so now I must have you, a ward. And we have to maintain the illusion of a bloodline. But a real, legitimate, noble one can happen with Lady Wellbelove. Your engagement will happen.” He sat back down, one leg crossed over the other. “That will be all, Simon. You’re dismissed.” He waved dismissively.

Simon’s anger spiked, and his skin burned with magic in response. He was pretty sure he would leave fingerprint shaped char marks in the wood. There was so much he wanted to say, but every word got clogged up in his throat. He felt stupid, useless, something David did to him far too much. The forgiving part of him reminded Simon that David still took him in. But he was so fucking angry right now.

“Bye, Father,” he spat, then turned on his heels and stormed out.

Simon stomped down the echoey hallways, grumbling and wiping furious tears from his eyes. He was so angry. Angry at David, at court, at his position, at every stupid thing this stupid princehood entailed. Never had he wanted to be a real commoner again more than right now. He couldn’t do that now. But tonight, while he sat in a lake with a mysterious boy, he would be. Simon could not wait until the sun set.

———————————————

AN: Another short chapter, but some plot advancement! The whole engagement thing will be explored more in the next chapter. Since I'm posting a fic for Baz's birthday next Monday, I'll be posting Chapter 6 on Tuesday instead. So a little longer wait, sorry. I'll see you guys next time :D

EDIT: I'm an idiot who cannot tell time. Baz's birthday is on Sunday not Monday so nvm I'll be posting the next chapter on Monday as usual :)