#sorry for bringing this debate to here but i really want to hear peoples nuanced opinions and not only telling me i should k ms

[sofseashell]

sharing this very funny discussion i accidentaly created on twitter because tumblr has a bigger index of people with basic reading comprehension and i need to share this with someone who can actually understand what im saying

so it all started with this very cutesie thread i made at 3am with a lot of typos:

most of the comments i got from this are basically just people telling me that i'm trying to be superior than everyone, treating me like im a condescending art gatekeeper and that if i hate fandoms i should get off the internet because they're inevitable in a very "let people enjoy things" way (i didn't even said i hate fandoms man it's literally right there).

anyways, please tell me i'm not crazy for thinking that fandom culture isn't inherently bad but it can be a big component for the de-intelectualization of certain media and maybe just maybeeee things that need a more critical view like mouthwash should not be encouraged to have fandoms ! or at least not in the common way we see today (or maybe i am going crazy idk

[natsmagi]

proship anon again. I'm sorry if I got a bit heated. I'm very thankful that you are a kind enough human being to say that even despite being vehemently against those types of content, you still don't condone the harassment of people who create it. honestly I'm really glad to hear it.

I think myself and lot of other proshippers who do engage with these things in a completely online space tend to feel like we are constantly in danger because of the current social media client. I personally was "called out" as a pedophile when I was only 17, literally just because I said it wasn't okay to harass people who make dark/problematic content. so like. I'm sure you can sort of see where I'm coming from.

I guess the way I see it is that at the end of the day if an actual, literal pedophile can get their fill of that kind of thing in a way that is entirely fictional and in no way harms real life children, I would prefer that they have that as a substitute to the horrible alternative. I can't claim to understand how that sort of person's mind works but like. idk. I am aware of how insane this sounds I hope you understand what I'm trying to get at here.

anyway I don't want to get into it more, it's tiring for me to talk about, too. I'm really sorry I came at you like that, I'm just kind of like. frustrated that my friends and I who I know would never hurt anyone are getting lumped in with criminals and abusers. it sucks. I don't think there's one entirely right answer. I just wish the whole thing was handled with nuance, and very much to your credit, you do handle the situation with nuance, so thank you.

again, I apologize for bringing this upsetting topic back into your inbox again. I won't send any more messages about it. I hope you have a really nice day <3

oh its totally fine!! thank you for your kind words!!

and yes, i can understand where youre coming from. its a bit unfortunate that this whole debate is handled in such a black and white fashion when theres so many factors at play. like we've been over, people who actively engage on the side of "antis" tend to be teens. often times they know that something is wrong, and as theyre getting older they feel like they need to take more action /against/ what they think is wrong. i sincerely believe alot of it is out of good intent, and that they think theyre doing the right thing, but when youre 14 youre not very likely to have much grasp on the whole picture. you just see something bad and want to put a stop to it. the drive is admirable, but the execution can unfortunately become inhumane

i dont have a solution for any of this. i dont know what the best approach is. but thats why i at least wish to give people room to speak and to genuinely listen to whats on their mind (at least when it comes to fandom discourse and not like. unfiltered bigotry). i feel like genuinely talking things over and explaining ones side is the least we can do if we wish to remain civil and empathetic to one another, because at the end of the day my main principle is just not wanting people to get hurt. thats my core desire

we may disagree, but i hope you have a good day too! and stay safe out there!!

[saberstars]

I'm Here

Pairing: Gender Neutral Y/N & Loki

Fluff, angst, implied smut

Warnings: Mentions of depression/mental illness, epilepsy/seizures, mentions of sex, as always if I missed anything feel free to let me know

Summary: Loki & You have a pre-existing friendship with benefits & one night you have a seizure after some spiciness. He cares for you helping you afterwards & makes sure you rest easy & safe. Reader is portrayed to have seizures more so during changes in sleep phases, not awake. The wake seizures or more of a medium ish absence/ focal aware seizure that only occur on occasion & can be “fought” through.

Word Count: 1796

Notes: This was intended to be a gender neutral reader. I think I removed all he/she pronouns.

Additionally, I know that not everyone experiences seizures the same way, and that epilepsy can affect people differently. This is all written from my experiences with it, so I ask that you do not tell me I portrayed something wrong. I can and will accept constructive criticism, But I will not accept someone telling me blatantly that I am wrong with my experiences. Therefore please keep that in mind when reading. I genuinely hope this fic brings others comfort if you suffer from epilepsy or any disorder that causes seizures. Thank You <3

It’s been three years since you found out you suffered from epilepsy. A diagnosis that came late in your life to be fair. As a young child up until you reached adulthood, you suffered from eye shakes that would eventually turn into stuttering spells that made it difficult to breath or not breath properly at all. You never passed out though, you got close a few times, but you managed to stay awake and “fight it off.” You started to notice over time that you’d also get a strange taste in your mouth, almost like metal or as if you were sucking on a battery and it had that zing flavor. You knew that was a precursor and would panic on cue rightfully so. You hated when you had your mini stutter fests because all you could do was hope it didn’t happen.

Of course you complained to your parents as a child but they didn’t think it was anything. They said it was just a panic attack. So you took their word for it. That was until you started having grand mals in your sleep. At first you thought they were just a part of some strange dream, that wasn't real to you, not yet anyway. You would wake up exhausted, sore, sometimes unable to move properly, walk, open and close a fist, and you just overall couldn't stay conscious sometimes. Again you complained to your parents about it, but they said it was nothing. You probably had night terrors or some form of minor sleep paralysis. So you dumbly believed them.

When you moved out, You sought answers, and eventually got them. You were grateful. The medication they prescribed helped tremendously though, it did make you tired but it was worth not having your episodes. Thankfully your case wasn’t as severe as others and it was manageable so long as you took care of yourself and took your medications. Though you were warned, breakthroughs were common, and missing your dose can and would cause a seizure.

Despite having such a diagnosis, you kept it to yourself. You never really told anyone. It wasn’t until you started sleeping with a friend, that you finally divulged your secret too in the event that it ever happened whilst they were with you.

It was someone you randomly slept with on and off with. A friend with benefits, his name was Loki. You had met the god shortly after his father had passed and his home, destroyed. You found comfort with each other despite it being more of a sexual comfort. You both used sex as a way to fight your own demons, a distraction, a quick grab at serotonin. Despite the sex you both developed a very deep friendship. You’d read together on occasion, have very interesting debates on current events, history, as well as other nuances, and a lot of other things. You even met his brother and the avengers at one point.

You both slept soundly after spicy events had taken place 2 hours prior, Loki had come over desperate for attention of any kind. He didn’t say why, but you knew it was a rather serious topic he wished not to discuss and rather lessen the pain with ecstasy. Little did you know, on this day a few years ago he indirectly murdered his mother. He blamed himself dearly, he knew if he would have kept his mouth shut for once in his life she may be here today. So he needed a genuine distraction. One of any kind. Preferable you. Due to the spicy events that took place you missed your dose, due to falling asleep promptly after, which cost you dearly. Missing doses always caused this to happen no matter what.

You gasped for air like usual, your body contorting outwards first with a thrust. You were awake, conscious, and terrified for the few seconds you normally were given before blacking out. You began to stutter violently all the air leaving your lungs as it happened. Until no sounds were made and it was just you chattering. Loki woke immediately, with a completely calm exterior despite a raging mixture of emotions internally. He knew you never called an ambulance for these things because you were normally alone & unaware until you became conscious again. She made him promise to never call 911 unless it was over a certain time length, to save her medical expenses, or unless she stopped breathing for good.

Loki dare not touch you though as you shook and curled up. The last thing he wanted was his godly strength to crush you somehow or cause you more pain. Instead he watched and hovered until you finally stopped. It was a short 50 second one, which was under your time limit, but he still debated calling. It’s not like You would’ve known he lied.

His breathing hitched as he went to check your pulse and airway, ever so delicately, which were both clear and strong.

“Oh thank you.” he whispered

A few hours had slid by with still no response from you. Loki sat next to you, staring down at you, to the point where he would fight the urge to blink, waiting for a stir of some kind from you. He did give the courtesy of redressing you though, in a nightgown from a drawer after an hour slid past. He even went as far as ensuring that you were adequately covered by the blankets to avoid being chilled. It has been 3 ½ hours now, with no stir of any kind from you. He knew it would be awhile before you showed any signs of movement possibly but this worry tore him to his core. In the midst of waiting he refused to just idly go back to sleep next to you, he was determined to stay awake until you were conscious again, so that you knew, he stayed there waiting for you. Loki didn’t know when he found himself talking to you as if you were awake, but all he knew was that it made him feel a bit better, and he hoped that when you woke it would make you feel better too.

“You know, I’ve been reading this really dumb gothic romance novel. I think you’d like it because of how naive the girl is. I know you like to criticize and pick on how they make decisions.” he spoke with a chuckle in his voice thinking back to how you’d flail your arms and drop your book to scream about how dumb some main protagnist could be.

“I'll have to buy you a copy or give you mine when I’m done.” Loki shifted his weight from his right to his left brushing your bangs out of your eyes.

“I don’t know why you keep those so long, all they do is get in the way of your gorgeous eyes.”

It was in that moment you rustled, you shifted your neck ever so slightly, Your eyelids twitch. Loki leaned forward parting his lips as he watched with a heart of hope completely overwhelmed with joy when he saw the color of your iris’s. He exhaled a shaky breath cupping your cheeks which caused you to flinch sending a wave of shocks through your body. It was at that moment you knew. You knew what he saw, what he had gone through. Your heart sank and you immediately berated yourself internally despite your exhausted state.

“It’s ok you don’t have to say or do anything. I’ll stay, I’ll take care of you for as long as you need.” Loki assured you, wanting you to know that you didn’t have to go through this alone. You never really had anyone stay, let alone worry about you. Your eyes began to water as tears rolled down your face.

“I’ll go grab you some water, you’re probably parched. I’ll also grab you a banana. I read that potassium can help with the cramping.” Loki said leaving to yourself for a moment. He also grabbed tissues for your eyes and nose just in case. Upon returning her placed everything at your side offering help to sit up. “Do you need to use the bathroom or help sitting up?” He asked with a gentle tone.

You nodded trying to take a good deep breath so you could speak a bit. “I’m so sorry you had to see that… but thank you. Thank you for staying, for helping. I do need the bathroom and I would appreciate help. My legs are still...” you mustered out with all your might but after a point your tongue refused to work with you.

“Of course, I may be a monster but I’m not entirely cruel. If it helps… you can just think to yourself and I can listen that way. So that you're not struggling too much.” Loki admitted with a tone of self depreciation.

“You're not a monster just because you're different & have made mistakes.” you thought as Loki picked you up bridal style walking you to the bathroom. Of course he placed you down on the toilet and waited outside for you to do what you needed. Since he had only added a nightgown to your previously naked body it made things easier. It was exhausting to just sit up and do everything but you pushed through. You even pushed yourself up and limped to the sink best you could to wash your hands. Upon hearing the faucet though Loki came back in standing behind you offering support if needed.

“Catch me~” you thought before falling back into his arms with a snort.

“You're lucky I have godlike reflexes you minx.” He replied with a hint of flirtation. You had used more than you had in you to wash your hand. Loki caught you obviously and carried you back to the room placing you back on the bed. “No, more like I knew you were ready to catch me.” you slowly thought as exhaustion tugged at your consciousness again. Loki noticed the pill bottle on your dresser before prompting you to take it. Instinctively opening it and sliding one into his hand.

“You should probably take this before you fall asleep.” You took it mentally saying thanks drinking the glass of water with it.

“Yeah that would probably help avoid some added breakdancing.” You joked trying to use humor to lighten the situation. Loki stared plain faced trying not to entertain your joke though, despite finding it secretly witty. Maybe he’d laugh at it when you felt a bit better. Soon after you began to dance between awake and sleep. Loki took note based on how your thoughts jumbled around between multiple things, laughing to himself a bit before minor intrusive fears began picking at you. Loki immediately jumped into action in an attempt to squash them soothing you a bit.

“You can sleep soundly, please get some rest. You don’t have to force yourself to stay awake out of fear or guilt.” Loki spoke in the most caring and sweet tone he could muster up. Trying to convince you that it was going to be ok & it worked. Somehow you knew he was right & that you could trust him completely. You drifted back to sleep peacefully thinking about how for the first time in your life, you didn’t fear sleeping in your bed. You didn’t have intrusive thoughts about whether or not you’d wake up in the morning or not. Which honestly brought tears bubbling their way up and out of Loki's eyes. The amount of trust you had in him in your thoughts, at that moment completely took his breath away. And that was something he wasn’t going to break or ever lose.

[esther-dot]

I think the problems with the current state of the Sansa fandom are really just problems with the state of the ASOIAF fandom in general. The fandom has always had its problems, don't get me wrong, but it does seem to me that discussion and debate used to be valued a lot more. People who disagreed completely on a certain subject could still have a respectful conversation about it, even acknowledge that the other person had a few good points, ultimately agree to disagree, and really mean it. I've been here since 2009, and even for Sansa fans, who have indeed always gotten a lot of hate, there were nonetheless plenty of people with different opinions on her who were willing to listen respectfully to what we had to say, and some of them even softened their opinion of her because of it. In general, different viewpoints were more widely seen as a good thing because it gave everyone a rounder, more nuanced understanding of the story. Now, it's a case of everyone adopting more and more extreme opinions and simply doubling down on those opinions whenever challenged. For the most part, everyone interacts only with people who agree with them, meaning that everyone, and I do mean everyone, is basically just hanging out in an echo chamber, becoming more and more extreme, and more and more convinced that they alone are right. It also doesn't help that morality has become so attached to differing opinions. Everyone wants their own opinion to be the good and moral one, and for opposing opinions to be morally wrong. So when someone disagrees with someone else, it's not just, "Your opinion is wrong," but also "You are morally reprehensible for having that opinion." (Please note that I'm not referring to things like shipping 13 year old Sansa with a 30 year old. I'm referring to things like simply finding a character sympathetic that someone else hates, or interpreting a character's actions more generously than someone else does.) Everything now is very extreme, very zero sum, and all nuance has been abandoned. I'm sorry this was so long. I know you did not ask for my thoughts. I just wanted to say that I don't think it's just a problem with the Sansa fandom so much as a problem with the fandom overall. Maybe if TWOW is ever published, it will give us something new to talk about and bring back the more nuanced debate.

(In reference to this post)

I appreciate you chiming in, anon! To hear from someone who has seen the evolution of the fandom over the years gives us newer fans some needed perspective.

I’m sure the show contributed to this by eliminating nuance (and ultimately all logic), so when we show fans started engaging we found ourselves making those sweeping statements about characters which were more true than not for the show version but then that tendency filtered into reactions to the book characters and for them it is inaccurate.

It’s always interesting to listen to Martin respond to a “what if” kind of question because you can tell in his mind, if he moves one piece, if X character did or didn’t do that, things would be different. For book discussions, the nuance is essential as the point of it is how the dominoes fall, and in his mind, pulling one really changes things. The contributing factors aren’t excuses for our favs, they’re very real to the author, so eliminating them from discussion is a problem.

I just answered an ask the other day and talked about Cersei. I know she’s a villain, but her suffering still matters to me and I am moved by her love for her children. We can definitely understand characters without endorsing them, love/enjoy them without ignoring their behavior. And, while I do think Martin has firm opinions about some of the issues he’s addressing, I definitely think he has some concerning tendencies that show up in characters and we have to decide “is this the author’s problematic viewpoint, or did he consciously create this for the character?” So, at times, what feels like a defense for something we all find offensive is just trying to distinguish between those two things. And maybe that’s the big problem/what has contributed to the echo chambers. We can’t actually know know, until we have the ending. It’s been a long time, and fans want to know where it’s all going. There’s a reason people threw out their books and swore off ASOIAF if they accepted the show’s ending as Martin’s. Endings matter because they tie everything together/are a final verdict/establish what the author does or doesn’t believe. That can be affirming or disgusting to us.

The preoccupation with the ending means talking about stuff fans have problems with. Dark Dany is an essential part of the ending, and for some fans, that’s a morally abhorrent idea. They think Martin can’t do that without it being wrong, so they transfer that disgust over to anyone who champions it. Lines are going to be drawn around that and all the theories that accommodate it. To me, those have been the biggest factions in the fandom (those who accept it vs those who don’t), and as we get more distance from the show, I assume the book fandom will improve/be able to evaluate those ideas in a more balanced way. I think that’s already happening. As much as I don’t like the “fine, Dany WILL burn KL but it doesn’t mean she isn’t a good person/won’t die a hero!” takes, I do think that means people are now seeing the same foreshadowing, and therefore, given a little more time, will be able to have a more rational discussion of it instead of assuming if you believe it you hate her. I think that’s progress, and the ending of the show (I’m someone who doesn’t like but accepts it) has made me rethink a lot of my own conclusions about what Martin was saying. So, even though I have created and enjoy my own little echo chamber, I’m certainly aware that not everything I think is correct, or that I have an entirely accurate grasp of Martin. That’s always a good thing to remind ourselves of so we don’t become too unbearable. Here’s hoping we get that next book, anon! And thank you for the message.

[jusky]

Well Adam, I talked with my mom last night for two hours and things were calmer and I’m feeling slight optimistim. Everything personal and moral aside, my mom's worried about me detransitioning + health effects. I guess at the heart of the matter I know this is the right choice for this moment and regardless of regret, I’m currently digging myself out of a number of ruts I’ve been trapped in. Dude! I hate feeling like a shitty kid. How do you deal with feeling like a shitty kid.

maybe i’ll just answer this one and not your multi-part background and question that i’ve been thinking about since you sent it. for everyone else, sorry you won’t have all the facts but i wasn’t sure how to post the multiple messages and i think you’ll do fine with context clues and general vibe if you even choose to read all of what i’m about to say which let’s be honest you probably won’t. anyway...

you’ll get out of those ruts. you’re going to be fine. and obviously like first off you’re not a shitty kid at all no matter how much it sometimes feels that way. like, i think your concern for them is a clear sign of that. but your bravery with respect to embracing your truth despite the difficulties and your willingness to be concerned about yourself if you visit these parents who might not be able to be supportive in the way you need right now is not being a bad kid--it’s being the kind of person every parent should hope they can raise.

to be honest i have a lot of thoughts on this subject. i’m not big on the idea that we inherently owe our parents all that much. i didn’t ask to be born and wtf for a lot of the years i knew my parents, especially early on, i was just a fucking kid! like the weight of responsibility and what is required of us isn’t automatic. a lot of parents in this world deserve absolutely nothing from their kids. obviously a lot of parents were like constant miracles who are rightfully held by their kids as like givers of something that can never be fully appreciated or paid back. but like it’s important to embrace the specifics of your own relationships. i think that there’s a way in which parent and kid, like, become funny labels and roles and like archetypes that haunt us and that rather than clarify can sort of confuse our perceptions about what we owe each other. sometimes growing up my father would be angry with me and talk about how i had like wronged “the family” and i would be so frustrated. oh is the family mad? ask the family to explain then. because don’t you mean you? or do you mean him or her? like in a way there’s no family, just us. people who can speak for themselves and have various and nuanced senses of what we want and need from each other. i just think the experience of feeling like a shitty kid is sometimes tied up in a framework in which you don’t get to be an equal party or like treated as someone who has the right to control their own life,

i guess this is what i’d say about being the bad kid. i’ve played that part. and i have felt bad about being the bad kid, too. to various degrees of intensity on both fronts at various times over the years. much of that experience is about how i have had a pretty major divide in outlook and expectations and many other things with my dad and stepmom. for so many years i had this deep sense of conflict with them. growing up i felt like i was always the bad kid and that i couldn’t ever fully be myself at all with them and that when they were involved in my life i had to be on guard and that i’d never feel like just being myself was safe. and when i grew up i didn’t like that experience and eventually we stopped talking for like a decade. i just kind of went off grid on them. 

now today we can talk and we can visit. and i can totally feel like myself around them. 

am i still sort of the bad kid? yes, definitely, but it’s kind of ok in my heart and fine ultimately. 

really for me i had to accept that i had to put my own oxygen mask on first, no matter how mad anybody was going to get at me. and then in those years of silence a funny thing happened. i think i began to feel solid enough in myself that there didn’t seem much threat from them anymore? and i think they kind of were humbled by the sense that i wasn’t a sure thing and that they’d rather have the bad kid than no kid. so like yes a shift in power happened for sure but it was also a softening and a kind of acceptance i never expected.

growing up i always had these imaginary battles and arguments and like imaginary trials in my head as if i was prepping for some vague future day where my dad and i would argue it all out ultimately and i’d show him he was wrong and do so so decisively that he’d believe what i believed and change things and everything would be fixed. 

needless to say that’s not how it worked out. instead we never fixed it really. we never sorted out who was ultimately right or wrong along the way. but you know what? it’s still fine. we can still hang out. we can still be a family. i don’t have to watch fox news with him and he doesn’t have to like my choices. there’s still plenty there that’s good. imperfect is fine. even fucked up is fine as long as it’s not hurting you. 

when you feel like a bad kid that’s the pain/worry of disappointing people you don’t want to disappoint. and that feeling can keep certain selfish or shitty impulses in check i think. 

but also the truth about being a real person, an adult who has to take care of themselves and navigate a tricky world, is sometimes you do have to disappoint people. it’s often the healthy and responsible thing to do. and parents--even disappointed parents--would do well to really see what’s happening in those moments so that they realize they’re not dealing with a bad kid, they’re dealing with an adult who is doing what needs to be done. it may be disappointing but it’s not unfair. 

i think you look out for your parents as best you can but you should make sure to look out for yourself even more sometimes. you seek love, health, and reciprocity. you try to proceed with a sense of both care and integrity. 

but mostly forget the guilt. guilt is very limited in terms of how informative it is. as kafka teaches us so decisively, you don’t even need a reason to feel guilty. you often just feel guilt and then start searching for reasons. that’s not where to put your energy with respect to your parents.

i have no idea if anybody else can follow this since i didn’t post the whole initial backstory but i’m really just trying to talk to you and be encouraging. i’m proud of you based on everything i’ve heard and i deeply relate to some of what you’ve said about your parents. it sounds like there might be some good signs now and i’m so glad to hear that.

embrace what’s positive and healthy from them and calmly reject everything else with as much kind patience as the situation allows, but also here’s a tip: reject the unhealthy stuff with a this-is-already-decided vibe, a strictly personal firmness that is declaratory rather than accusatory, you want to say stuff that’s more like “i am not willing to discuss this. i told you i am not comfortable discussing this and i expect that decision to respected.”  rather than like “you always do this” “please stop criticizing me!” or like just generally defending decisions or perceptions you have that aren’t actually up for debate. you get to set those boundaries and that really is that. you get set those lines and not tolerate them being ignored or blurred. you just have to be consistent and clear.

anyway i guess i’m saying to just trust your instincts about the visit, like either way. and just speak clearly about what you won’t be accepting from them because you do get to make sure you’re feeling ok. know what i mean? you’re strong and articulate and their worries will ultimately be calmed by the reality of the future you’re heading into. and i’m sure that beneath the stuff they bring to the table that feels unhelpful they must have a sense of the truth about you. their fears aren’t the reality and you may have to help them see reality by not letting them treat their fears as if they’re real and by i guess just fucking letting them see that the very same poise and sense of self that you possess as you make tough decisions and as you’re communicating with them is going to be exactly what you use to move forward and navigate your future--a future which will demonstrate that they didn’t need to be so afraid all along.

god i hope some of that is helpful or at least maybe makes some sense. please do get at me if you want to talk more about any of this.

[wendibird]

SPN 15X14 Observations

So, for whatever dumbass reason, when trying to use my actual television, the cable refuses to work properly 8 times out of 10. BUT I was able to stream tonight’s episode on my computer with my cable network’s app. So, there’s that. Because of that, and since it’s easier for me to type on my keyboard than on my phone, I actually took quick notes and observations during commercial breaks. Here are those, then some more of my thoughts following. (And I’m sorry if any of these seem a bit incoherent. They were more my observations to myself. *LOL*  

(everything else under the keep reading line since I got a bit rambly, and just in case anyone wants to avoid spoilers)

- Brothers being written a bit like characters of themselves rather than just themselves. (trying too hard?)

- Love Mrs. Butters. Actress really good. And the minor ret-con works with what we've seen.

- Sam more concerned about Jack. I think he understands him better, even though he hasn't seen much of him.

- "Ignoring your trauma doesn't make you healthy." (or something like that.) Good quote!

- Waiting for the catch.

- "Enjoy the world you're fighting for." (compare with Kevin's similar line: "I can't enjoy a world I need to save.")

- Mrs. Butters knows Jack isn't human.

- BOY did the shoe drop! But it was Sinclaire involved. Not surprised he took advantage of her natural protective nature.

- Wanted more plot for WHY exactly they still have Thor's Hammer. Have they had it this whole time? Last we saw Sam dropped it in 8X2. Or did Mrs. Butters conjure it up because they might need it? Was cool though that Sam was using it. Because we already know he can.

- Jack figured out on his own how to use the projector. (love that boy!)

- liked hearing him talk about what happened with Mary and how he feels.

- Mrs. Butters knows from experience about needing "second chances" I think.

- Why were they ALWAYS wearing the same clothes during the "We got one!" montages? Assuming it was supposed to have taken place over several days at least if not longer. (I highly doubt they went out on THAT many hunts in one day.)

- Yeeeah... So I get she's protective, but JACK IS BABY! She can clearly see his power levels but she has to have seen how he he actually IS? But she gave him the smoothies from the start, so she's been planning it from almost the start. Hrm.

- idk what anyone else says, I'm thrilled that Sam and Eileen had a date. Also, THIS is where that sweater-vest comes from. Bet we'll see him going for his gun too. (That clip was hotly debated in one of the discord servers I’m on)

- Dean is obviously still having some issues with Jack, but he also seems to know that they're his personal issues and he knows that Jack is good. (Expanding on this thought post episode, I was seeing this as Dean recognizing the difference between what he knows and what he’s feeling. So, yey! Personal growth!)

- DEAN JACK IS NOT A BATTERING RAM!!!

- Dean sees Jack as a weapon. He used him as a battering ram. He'll use him as a grenade to throw at Chuck. (More on this after the notes.)

- Sam sees him as a person. His argument was that Jack was someone he cared about. That killing him would HURT him.

- Also, did they HAVE to go for the fingernails again?!

- Poor Sam, getting tortured. And being the "favorite" of something bad.

- Also, SAM WAS RIGHT! To be cautious of her at first. Too many times he's had things/people seem good and turn out opposite.

- And because Dean had decided it was all okay, they both stopped looking up on her.

- Maybe Sam will realize that he doesn't always have to follow Dean's lead. He can pursue his own paths. (Not talking about them separating. Just, if he wants to look into something, he should do it. If he wants to follow a different lead, he should check it out.)

- I know he lost a lot of confidence last season but I hope he realizes that he doesn't by default make bad decisions.

- Okay, that was a good resolution. I'm glad she's going back to her people.

- Interdimensional geoscope: Dean saw nothing. Because ALL the other universes are gone. *sad-face*

- Love Sam and Jack. Wish we got a bit more. But it was something.

- Also love that Dean tried. That felt real to me. (the birthday cake)

More thoughts! 

So. Overall I liked this episode. It was lighthearted mostly, but touched on some serious topics and wasn’t completely disconnected with what is going on with everyone, despite the random holiday montage. *LOL* (Yes, I know she wasn’t bending time or anything, she was just choosing to celebrate some holidays with her boys regardless of when this is all taking place exactly.) It did feel a bit to me, at the start anyway, like the writing at least was trying too hard to “Sound like Sam and Dean” instead of just them being them. I mentioned that at the start but what I mean is, in this season especially (but not exclusively) I’ve noticed a lot of times where it feels to me like the writing/directing/whatever leads to the sum total of what we see is trying too hard to present this idea of who the characters are, like caricatures of them. The things associated with them get emphasized, sometimes out of proportion. Though in this episode, it only felt like that during the opening scene and maybe a few places elsewhere. Overall I thought the writing and especially the acting on the parts of the main 3 guys and the guest actor were well done and had a lot of nuance when needed. Like, as an example, when Sam and Dean sussed out that this being that they didn’t even know was a bit behind the times, they were actually pretty gentle with bringing her up to speed. And her reaction to realizing that everyone she knew before was dead felt very real. 

I liked what we saw of where each of the characters were emotionally this episode. It was the first one after Jack has been re-souled and it had definitely been weighing on my mind how everyone was doing. (Though I REALLY wish we could have actually seen Sam and Dean’s reactions to Jack tearfully begging their forgiveness last episode. But lacking any other input, I’m headcannoning that Sam gave him a very long, warm hug.)  

I also agree with Sam, I think there’s something more that Jack hasn’t told them yet, probably some details about Billy’s plan that he or her are sure the brothers won’t like. (Now, what exactly that could be is very much up in the air. I can think of quite a few options, but the details aren’t really important to me just now. Just the fact that something about it is weighing on Jack. More than just Mary’s death and the prospect of having to kill God. Which, in and of themselves would be more than enough.) 

Speaking of Sam, I liked that we saw all those little nods to how he feels about Jack, how he’s still worried about him, and seems to understand him. 

I also get where Dean’s coming from. And I thought it was well-portrayed. And let me just say, I am GLAD that he just outright told Jack where he was at. He didn’t sugarcoat it, but he also didn’t blow up at him, or reply with sarcasm or bring up other, unrelated stuff. Dean knows that Jack is trying, but he himself has some emotional stuff he needs to deal with. That he is dealing with. And it’s going to take him some time. 

I do however stand by my observation made during the episode that at least at that point in it, Dean considered Jack a weapon. An asset. He literally used him as a battering ram, and in a more meta way, he’s planning on using him as a grenade to throw at God. Even when arguing with Mrs. B about it, his response was in reference to Jack’s usefulness. Whereas Sam was arguing that Jack meant something to him, that he cared about him, and hurting Jack would hurt him. Now, I do think that Dean’s POV had shifted a bit by the very end. Dean’s love language has almost always been shown by doing things for people, and taking care of them. So him making that birthday cake for Jack really felt to me like him trying to tell him that he does actually care about him. And I think Jack got it. And true, the cake might not have been as neat and pretty as Mrs. B would have made it, but I thought it was beautiful because of all the thought that went into it. (Dean’s more of a cook than a baker too.) 

As a side note, something I thought about after the episode: when Mrs. B stepped in, she kind of took over that care-taker role. AND the research role. She made them lunches, cooked them dinners, decorated for holidays, and overall made them feel comfortable and safe. And she also pin-pointed where monsters were and made sure they were all stocked-up and ready to go. All they had to do was show up and get it done. And yeah, it must have been a nice break from the norm. But I also think about how much Dean finds his identity beyond hunting in taking care of people. And how much Sam finds his identity in researching and figuring things out. And with her doing that, they both took it easy on those ends. Dean didn’t have to make burgers for everyone since Mrs. B made a roast. Sam didn’t have to research since she could tell them where the monsters were and what kind. I almost wonder if both of them were starting to feel like those parts of themselves were all of a sudden unnecessary. (Which makes me a little sad, because it reminds me a bit of the “two cakes” concept in fandom. Who cares if someone else can “do it better”? If you do it, then there’ll be even more of the good thing!)  And as I observed above, Sam also stopped looking into HER. I mean, he didn’t even know what would kill a wood nymph. And I do think part of that also goes back to him having recently fallen back on letting Dean make the big decisions. Because last season so many of his blew up in his face. (Though I don’t think most of that was his fault. But Sam tends to blame himself for a lot.) And I do hope that maybe he’ll remember that he does have good instincts when he listens to them. And he can keep looking into something even if Dean thinks it’s fine. It’s not a betrayal to be prepared. 

ALSO! Being the absolute Saileen hoe that I am, even though we didn’t Eileen in this episode, I was thrilled that Sam went out on a date with her because she was in town! And true, we don’t know what all went down, but regardless, I see it as good that they’re at the very least still friends, and that hopefully Eileen is sorting out her own feelings vs whatever she might think could be Chuck’s manipulations. Even if Saileen isn’t Engame (and honestly, as much as I love it, I don’t think it will be) I would still like for them to be on good terms with each other. (And for her to NOT get fridged again!) 

Another thing I was pondering afterwards and a bit during: I wasn’t surprised that Sam held up to the torture fairly well. I mean, it still obviously hurt! (And again, WHY with the fingernails again?! As someone in one of my discord servers mentioned, we didn’t need THAT particular call-back to the Christmas Episode of Season 3!) But he was listening to what she was saying. And he understood the implications that she had been tortured into acting how they wanted her to act. And Sam understands torture, and how it can mess someone up. And despite what she had done to him, and was trying to still do, he validated what she had been through. He empathized with her. And that.... it’s just SO Sam! 

I will say that the resolution felt a little... abrupt. Like, her expression had changed a little during the fight/argument. Then back from the commercial break and she’s all packed-up and ready to leave and they’re all saying goodbye and wishing her well. I feel like there might have been some more scenes or parts of scenes that were originally there connecting things up more, but were cut for time.

I wouldn’t say this was a groundbreaking episode, but it WAS fun, and it did have some seriousness at it’s core, and I think it did what it needed to do. 

(And I apologize if this is just a big rambling mess. I’m not used to doing structured episode reviews. *LOL* Feedback and opinions are welcome though!) 

[lucidpantone]

For me personally, I can't get over the fact that Italia committed the cardinal sin of casting a white non muslim actress to play the role of Sana. Sorry for bringing back the same old debate but please hear me out. It's an undeniable fact that, representation does not count without opportunity. She was played by a wonderfully talented actress, but she gets to take that hijab off at the end of the day and go back to living a life where she or her family have never had to face the ostracism of living as muslims in the western world. The other Sana actresses intrinsically understand this nuance of their lives because they have lived it, which is why they are able to contribute to the writing and give story suggestions for their seasons regardless of the real tptb.

I'm not saying talent and authenticity can't exist without trauma and suffering. But the casting of Sana is a political act in itself. It is meant to break barriers for the unheard and the neglected voices within the industry, thereby bringing their struggles and their shame to the forefront, and also to give them a place at the table. As an equal. It's an attempt at leveling the playing field.

What Julie Andem did in casting an actual hijabi non-actress to play Sana in a country like Norway was imo, revolutionary. It gave Iman a platform. Even if Skam had not become an international phenomenon, Iman still received her due recognition within Norway, and now she's out and about doing her own revolutionary stuff. The other remakes understood this aspect and rightfully cast a muslim actress, while Italia simply stole that opportunity from muslim talent in the country. Right now, we could be celebrating a never known Italian muslim actress just the way we celebrate the rest of the Sanas who achieved international acclaim for their performances alongside the Evas and the Noras and the Isaks of the world. But we'll never ever have that now. It's honestly unforgivable. Think of the stolen opportunity from a young muslim teenager who might have been a fan of the og and wanted to play Sana, and what message she received with this casting.

Ironically, Italia is also one of my favourite remakes, I actually love the focus on relationships and the beautiful cinematography, an overall chilled out pacing, and the touch of originality within each season. Giovanni is an absolute legend, and besse is a brilliant director. But they did their Sana dirty. It's irreversible damage. It's important to note that it was only after the massive backlash that they found actual brown/muslim actors to play Sana's friends and family in S4 and the story was with consultation of a Muslim journo/writer. She wasn't a writer on the show, she was a consultant. Which is great, but not the same thing. Who is to say that without the backlash they'd have taken all of these steps? Besse spent time with muslims and studied the culture and tried to create an authentic story for his Sana, but his casting of Sana is his Achilles heel. It also had like zero black actors except for the temporary boyf of Filippo in s3. Someone who knows nothing about the contemporary Italians may think there are no black people in Italy.

Italia S4 is only marginally better in that it didn't completely annihilate their Sana the way skamfr and skames did. Let's not start with Druck because that's a whole bunch of missed opportunities and laziness. Wtfock... Well let's see if they can surprise me. Keeping my expectations six feet under the ground.

Its long after the cut

Ohhh trust me I get it. I feel a lot like this right now concerning casting a MOC as a main. Like most fans of color set the bar super fucking low already concerning mains that aren’t white. People will literally make all types of allowances just to simply get one main who isn’t white in a remake. Speaking for me personally, I will over look using stereotypical tropes, I will overlook them being model/influencers, I will look the obvious lack of effort from the writers to attack meaningful storylines that actually highlight the experiences of people of color simply to get some representation. This is why I am still angry about the Moyo thing because literally all wtfock had to do was main him and they would have got a pat on the back for doing the bare ass minimum and they wouldn't even do that because they didn’t think maining a black boy would be profitable so in many ways am happy that shit blew up in their face. You deserved it for being stupid but the person that pays that price ultimately is Noa and that hurts. Concerning Italia I think thats the thing that stings the most that if Ludo would have just made minimal effort like the bare minimum and just found an actress who was muslim people would have applauded him for getting a half decent script out that finally gave a muslim actress meaningful plot that felt honest to her experiences. So its like damn can any of Sana’s just get a fucking win bruh. Like people are literally willing to take the bare minimum here. Like if wtfock does even a half decent job people will praise them and in many ways they didnt deserve the praise because all they did was do the bare minimum for Nora. I mean if its written well of course I will acknowledge a well written script but it does feel sorta of like is this even a win when we are on our 6 Sana remake. It takes fuck up after fuck up to get a half decent season that doesnt undercut the muslim girls narrative for once. Like people aint even asking for much either. Also I agree about the actress being muslim because Nora herself has said that a muslim protagonist who isn’t shown in some harsh oppressive light hasn't really been seen in belgium. I also appreciate that she has experience some of the issues Yasmina will depict. Nora’s conflict between wearing a hijab and not wearing one. Nora’s conflict between really trying to identify if Islam really was for her and ultimately researching and studying and accepting Islam into her heart because it felt like it was the right path for her and I agree that they took those experiences away from a muslim italian actress and her opportunity to depict them. I still want to recognize its definitely one of the most solid script of out of the remakes but I am also well aware that I have made a shit ton of personal allowances when coming to that conclusion because I am comparing it to a bunch of mediocre efforts. 

[lavenderek]

fwiw i’m an A*3 volunteer - i do tag wrangling, actually - and i really do need to emphasise the fact that we are VOLUNTEERS, and there’s really nothing we can do when it comes to bigger issues re: the core of how the site runs and the values people feel it holds.

what i am really tired of is people assuming things about me because i’m a volunteer. people can be so ridiculously vitriolic - like that anon you got who was immediately at you like ‘SO YOU’RE FINE WITH CHILD ABUSE?’ is a perfect example of what i mean. no, i’m not, but i honestly do appreciate a rare space online that is *relatively* unmoderated - which is NOT to say it isn’t completely unmoderated. like you said, there are so many cultural aspects to even simple tags, and as a tag wrangler, you’re ‘trained’ on that. that’s just tag wrangling - i’m sure higher up volunteer positions also take the time and care to educate volunteers correctly on how to manage their roles.

again, though, there is fundamentally very little us volunteers can do for parts people might disagree with. we come from all walks of life and there are so many roles and we all only have so much time. fact is, the website is the way it and it’s unlikely to change beyond perhaps adding more ‘social media’ type functions, like blocking people. if you feel that there is content that is inappropriate or commenters that are inappropriate or whatever, you can report it directly to the people running the website (which i’ve personally done before for an extreme underage fic about a real life - albeit of-age - person), and i obviously didn’t check back to see if it had been removed, but i assume it was dealt with because i genuinely do have faith in the moderators. anyway, just some insight as someone who works with the site.

hey! thanks for the info actually this is really interesting. sorry about the delayed response, i saved it as a draft to come back to it later and then i got busy at work and forgot

while you're here, you mind if i ask you some questions? feel free not to answer, you're not obligated

i separated it into sections because i’m what? longwinded and easily confused

1. can this happen (has questions for you in it)

it's my understanding that the big uproar vis a vis CP fic on a*3 is more that a*3 is inadvertently creating a space where p*dophiles feel safe and can establish a following, in turn allowing them to normalize what they're doing and gain access to potential victims.

tldr, it's less "this is inappropriate" and more "the person who made this is dangerous." like, if the person who wrote that nasty fic you reported had a whole profile full of similar content and was gaining a following from it, that would be concerning.

is the overall effect a user has something that you all take into account when you're going through content on the site, or are you instructed to take the specific piece of content at face value?

and, do you think that's something it's possible to address by moderators? regardless of whether or not it’ll actually happen, do you think that is possible on this system?

and, even more optional than the other questions, if that was possible, what do you think that would look like? 

2. what is the process like on your end (has questions for you in it)

just for my own curiosity, how much leeway do you as a volunteer have over whether a fic should be reported? 

is it up to your own judgment or is there like a rubric or something? 

and what happens if the moderators decide that yeah, this fic can't be up anymore, do they remove the fic or kill the user's profile or what?

what happens if you report something, and the moderators decide it’s fine? does that reflect on you in their eyes? 

how often do you report fic? 

3. clarification of motive (does not have questions for you in it, now i’m just talking)

like i hear you that you, personally, Anon J. Wranglerton, don't have control over the site itself. the topic of CP and abuse is touchy and wigs people out because it sort of self perpetuates.

it's like that anecdote that went viral a few years ago where a bartender explained that allowing one polite n*zi into the bar leads very quickly into lots of n*zis being in the bar. people want the n*zis removed from the bar. 

i'm sorry people accuse you of being an abuse apologist because of that, i think the idea that people wouldn't really see abuse as a concern is like, actually horrifying to them lmao and i can't necessarily blame them for that in and of itself

4. if i see where they’re coming from then what’s my problem (does not have questions for you in it, now i’m just talking)

i guess i don't share that reaction because disgusting content online isn't anything new for me. i accidentally came across it all the time when i was a kid going online. i nearly fell victim to an actual predator when i was 12 or 13. thankfully, once he asked me for more personal information i was able to get scared and see some red flags. (or if he wasn’t a predator then i should probably go and find my chat room boyfriend Oukami who explained “yiffing” to me and told me to send him pictures of myself so he could make me a wolf fursona)

from my perspective, the a*3 debate looks like this: predators are a concept that is deeply embedded in every corner of the internet, and very suddenly, people are very up in arms about a very specific website having predators on it. it’s like if all of a sudden people were like, “there are customers at Target who yell at the employees. if you still shop at Target, unfollow me.” 

like, yeah, you’re right, and that’s bad, but why Target specifically, and why now, you know? 

i think predators should be made to feel extremely unsafe in fandom spaces lmao, but i also think that’s something that can only be tackled socially. playing whack-a-mole with predators is a tale as old as time.

5. online predators (does not have questions for you in it, now i’m just talking)

this is just me talking out of my ass, but my theory is that a huge component in kids today getting caught up by predators online is that the concept of anonymity and fear of strangers online has some holes in it on here.

first of all, people just a couple years younger than i am grew up on social media. that was the entire online landscape ever since myspace.

influencers use their real names and faces, and they have millions of followers and are treated like celebrities. a lot of these social networks make it extremely difficult to hide your identity at all. you sign in to youtube with your google account, which is linked to your phone and all your other accounts. instagram, twitter, facebook, and tumblr can all be connected, and a few of those apps encourage it and will interrupt you posting to be like “do you want to also put this on twitter, Firstname Lastname?” no, janet, i’m good. thank you though

this lends a certain amount of freedom to predators, because there is nothing stopping them from assessing somebody’s vulnerability and reaching out to them. 

6. online predators in fandom spaces specifically (does not have questions for you in it, now i’m just talking)

i think the fandom space cultivated on tumblr has actively contributed to that. 

look at all these blogs, they’ve got “about me” descriptions with their name, their age, a blurb about their interests, their gender identity, their romantic/sexual preferences, sometimes their fuckin myers-briggs designation. this is all expected behavior on tumblr. 

it starts as a sort of “this is my blog, here’s what i’m about,” and is compounded by like, “NTs can reblog this post but don’t say anything stupid,” or “minors DNI, how old are you,” like, you have to kind of verify that you’re “allowed,” in a sense, to participate in some conversations or interact with some posts. 

i think there’s merit in both of those things, blogs are for self expression and for interacting with likeminded users; and i don’t think it’s “gatekeeping” to stop straighties from clowning on your post about queer issues. 

but this has inadvertently created a sort of entitlement to private information. it also creates this false idea that because you and i have x and y in common, we can interact comfortably. 

it’s crucial to remember that predators aren’t all scary white men who want to visit you at home. some of them are cool 20-somethings who just happen to be normalizing sexual content with children in it. and they genuinely don’t see what they’re doing as wrong. if they’re already your friend, and you see them saying shit about how they’re not hurting anybody, it’s just pretend, it’s just a kink, then you’re probably going to sympathize with them. 

this isn’t to say, “stupid kids, they’re bringing this on themselves by oversharing to the wrong people,” because it’s neither kids’ fault nor unique to children. this kind of oversharing is taking place with all ages and kinds of people on tumblr. 

this is to say, this is what this particular subculture has caused: healthy boundaries are kind of bulldozed to make room for a kind of disorganized sense of community and morality.

7. back to CP on a*3 (does not have questions for you in it, now i’m just talking)

i think this kind of “CP is disgusting and you’re disgusting for looking at it” shit is dangerous. 

things this is NOT because of: 

CP deserves a place online

It’s A Slippery Slope, What Will They Ban Next

um, kinkshaming

there is no point in even trying to get predators off a*3

i just think it’s completely unhelpful. it’s literally a waste of their time. they’re wasting their time and hurting themselves and others in the process. it’s lacking in nuance and perspective. 

what we should be saying is “CP is a red flag. CP tells you something about the person posting it.” 

we shouldn’t be asking “are you okay with child abuse,” we should be asking, “what does this content say about the person posting it? are they unsafe to have around? if i realize too late that they’re unsafe, who can i turn to?” those are the kinds of questions we should be asking if our goal really is to protect people.

what the collection of block lists of supposed abuse apologists says is this: “you have to choose between not having to police online behavior, and proving your morals to me, a complete fucking stranger. if your morals are lacking, you’re out, we don’t speak to you anymore, and we tell everyone who will listen that you are a bad person.” 

not to delegitimize their concerns, but it’s fully just mccarthyism. like... that’s what mccarthyism was like. the fact that mccarthyism was bad isn’t even the point, it’s important to recall that mccarthyism did not work. it stopped happening for myriad reasons, one of which was that it was hurting people and wasting resources and doing absolutely nothing else. 

i obviously don’t want to be labeled “anti-american pinko scum” and fired from my job and disallowed from my neighbor’s house. who would? they’re not actually weeding out anybody dangerous, they’re just rounding people up who are just as angry as they are or who are scared of them lmfao. 

ever since that shitty post of mine went viral (which - “viral,” i guarantee it isn’t viral, i stopped looking at it literally that night) i’ve been terrified that one of these days i’m gonna like, comment on something and have the OP be like “wait a minute, you’re that bitch who made fun of some anti-a*3 people, unfollow me” lmfao. like, that’s what this rhetoric is accomplishing. 

i’m not boohooing, i deserved a slap on the wrist for making rude comments. i’m just telling you the extent of the results they’re getting. they made me feel sad. so at least there’s that. 

8. anti-a*3 people (has questions for anyone in it)

“fine, so we’re not trying to evangelize for not liking CP. so what? we don’t want people who like CP around. supporting that stuff is disgusting. we are blocking them for our own safety and don’t appreciate the tone police coming in and telling us it’s no big deal.” - an anti a*3 person, probably

yeah i mean, i get that. if i was really upset about something important and somebody told me “you’re right, but shut up about it,” i would also be pissed. 

my question, though, is this: is the underage tag on a*3 the limit we want to place on our activism against predators online? at minimum, is yelling at and blocking people about it on tumblr making us feel safer?

and also: how are we going to define the things we are trying to get rid of? what is underage? how do we account for differences in culture? how do we account for nuance when we make broad judgments? 

and also: who do we really hold responsible for this? who do we think is at fault and what do we want them to do?

i feel like we could all benefit from some perspective here.

9. back to you (has questions for you in it)

so like, is it fun? how’d you get the position? how long do you work typically?

do you talk directly with higher-ups or whatever? do you have coworkers?

do you have to read through lots of fic yourself or does stuff get reported to you and then you look at it? 

what other stuff do you report content for, aside from abusive content? like i read a post saying people shouldn’t be advertising their paypal or whatever on their a*3, do you nip stuff like that in the bud or is that something else? 

what if it’s just mistagged, presumably by human error not by a legitimate abuse of the system, what do you do? do you tag it for them or do you reach out to them and tell them to fix it or what?

who decided on the color scheme? can there be a skin that’s orange and avocado green? can you pass that on for whoever does the colors? i think i’d spend more time on any particular website if the color scheme was a nice, desaturated orange and avocado green.

nice

[wowimsadaf]

I haven’t written anything here in years. Everything before this post was so melodramatic and exaggerated, and even though I’m writing to is to the void, I wonder why I put myself through the agony of attempting to write it down in the first place.

Tonight is the first night that I have been kept awake by past trauma, and for the explicit reason that I just wish people could understand me. I haven’t told anyone yet, and I have no idea how to react to my grandmother continuously reminding me about how she’s going to die. And reminding me that I am not the grand daughter she used to have. She told me that she will keep the memories of me as a child, as though she’s given up on me as an adult.

I want so badly to communicate with her, and explain that I’m still me. That I’ve always been me. That I’ve just been through so much. I’m just a shell of who I was, but I’m still here. I’m still trying so hard.

I just can’t imagine

What if tomorrow is her last day

And I didn’t get to tell her

I don’t want to share my hurt with anyone, I don’t want to share that I hurt, I don’t want anyone to have that burden, especially not her, but I just wish she knew. I wish she knew how much I love her and how much I wish I could pull myself out of the landfill I’ve created for myself. All I can hear is her and my grandpa calling my mother worthless, and me going over the countless similarities I have with her.

I have the word worthless carved into my thigh, but it was covered with new scars since then so it can’t be read any longer. It’s just incredible how it’s come full circle. A point in life where I felt worthless but seemingly had worth to others, to now where I feel I have some worth but am worthless to others.

Speaking of which, tonight is the first night in a long time I’ve felt the urge to hurt myself. I had a moment of weakness while I envisioned myself trapped in the corner of some large, dark box, and scratched the living hell out of my arm. I kept thinking, “Why are you doing this? This is childish. People will see. This is only for attention. All you want is attention. You’re overreacting.” And I would try to stop, but then memories of the Trauma™️ flooded in harder and I would lose feeling in my arm, but the scratches would bring back the coherent thoughts, and I would then caught in a cacophany of turbulent black and white thinking.

I should go back to therapy. I should; but I’m terrified of having to do trauma work. I’m terrified of having to relive every detail out loud with someone I don’t know, that I don’t trust. I want someone to be able to genuinely feel what I’ve been through, because they know me. I want them to have a better understanding of me as a whole because they’ve learned these things. I don’t think I’ll get anything out of it by talking to some random person.

I used to think having an objective person on the outside to rant to was the best thing for me, but it’s just like talking to a wall that then assigns you workbook pages as homework and tells you to think about it at home in your safe spaces. I just— I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to bring it to attention for anything more than a one time conversation. I don’t want to work it out with a wall. I want my grandma to understand me more. I just want everyone to understand me more. I want everyone to know the pain that I feel every fucking day. I want to be understood.

Despite that, I tried to find my old therapist so that maybe I could try stating sessions again. Looks like she might have retired. Which, luckily for me, means that I have to re-write my “trauma timeline” for someone else because I doubt they just have that on file at the office. Would be nice if they did. I’d like to read through it again, and add more that I had forgotten about.

I really am a fucking psychopath.

I work in 4 hours. I feel so bad for my supervisor who is going through his own shit and has to continuously deal with me. I have to make life so hard for him. It’s just so difficult for me to pay attention to work when my mind is always full of unresolved bull shit.

I’m debating if I should just take a week. Maybe admit myself to inpatient.

Even though I know that wouldn’t fucking work for me. I’m a fucking moron but I’m too smart for their shit, too. It’s awful. I wish I could just fucking sit and talk with a counselor and actually learn something, but I can’t. So many of them are fucking stupid and I end up just holding their hand through conversations of shit I already know and they SHOULD know.

I hate that I spend time in therapy making the therapist feel better. I hate that the hour I’m paying for isn’t entirely devoted to fixing me. I hate that there has to be banter and small talk and back and forth like any fucking other social situation. I hate that it’s not formal, robotic, yes or no, insightful, questioning, probing, the way the movies make it look. People are too fucking much like people. And people are easy. I don’t want to be fixed by a person with their own flaws, I want a fucking robot that isn’t a real person to do exactly what is necessary and nothing more, nothing less. I don’t want for drivel.

Although a robot probably wouldn’t be able to detect nuance.

I just wish life wasn’t so fucking HARD.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this, I just needed to get my thoughts out in a way that I could reflect on them, and this is the only safe space I have.

Thank you to whoever is reading this, and I’m sorry.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

Should I (25F) break up with boyfriend (29M)?

We’ve been together 5 years. We were together 1 year, then had a LDR for 2 years, then lived together for 1 year, followed by another 1 year LDR (we went to different universities after the first year going out). My doubt in the relationship began while living with him, when I noticed my sex drive for him went to zero. This could be because we had been long distance for 2 years and I was used to not having sex regularly. I feel it was also a mix of different reasons: 

He is disorganised while I am organised. His disorganisation in both his life and personal space stresses me out leading me to have to take responsibility to organise things in both circumstances. He is clean in other areas of the house however.

He is quick to anger /sarcasm/insults/debate. He does this to everyone, and I don’t think he means bad by it, it’s just a personality trait but can be grating when you’re exposed to it everyday. I am not argumentative by nature and find the constant sarcastic remarks demeaning. He also gets very angry when playing games.

He is a hypochondriac complete with having constant pains doctors cannot diagnose. This means he is often complaining about this health (real or not, who knows) and sometimes means we cannot enjoy going out. I’d say 70% of our conversations involve his health.

Can be annoying in social situations. I actually prefer social situations when he is not around; he is an extrovert and outgoing, and talks A LOT. But, it’s to the point that he dominates the conversation and as I am quite quiet means when I do want to say something or get involved, it’s more difficult. Although, I also appreciate he can fill in silence.

He may have a gaming addiction. I also like gaming, but not the point it dominates my life. He always wants to play or is playing, even when we are cooking meaning we don’t talk. That being said I am more of a film-lover and like to discuss films and art - he does not have this interest so I don’t have a outlet for this interest with him, including the fact we don’t like the same films apart from sci-fi/fantasy/mainstream cinema.

Some of these things are just personality traits that I see present in his other family members (disorganised, sarcastic, talkative), and I don’t think they can be resolved. That being said, he also has good qualities: caring, loyal, likes to cuddle, likes to travel, enjoys sci-fi, likes to cook and try different food, can be very cute/funny when we are alone (I do not find his humour when we are around other people funny however), I enjoy gaming with him (apart from the above), he is intelligent, likes animals & the environment, cares about his health and exercises.

My doubt in the relationship grew while living together as said, and again when we have been apart due to COVID. I am an introvert and have been really enjoying this time apart – I have doing things I haven’t been able to do while doing my studies and hanging out with him, particularly as he doesn’t really enjoy alone time. I have not missed him at all. Sometimes, I feel like my life is put on hold when we hang out because we have to decide what to do together, as you do in a relationship. We usually end up gaming or compromising on something to watch. I feel like I have been ‘finding myself’ again and realised sometimes I feel like a weaker version of myself when I’m around him.  

I feel confused because for the most part he is a great guy, we’ve been through a lot together and there isn’t one big thing that is making me feel we should break up, it’s lots of small things. Sometimes I feel in my gut I do want to break up, while other times i’m not sure if that’s just my stupid 25-year-old brain talking and that i’d be missing out on a good guy. That being said, I feel anxious about the idea of us moving in together due to his disorganisation/messiness and the lack of ‘me’ time.

I would really appreciate any advice i.e. do you think i’m ‘settling’? there are so many small issues, some of which I don’t feel will change - what is a tolerable amount of negatives in a partner? how do you know if you love a long-term partner romantically vs. as just a person/friend?

____________

I want to say right from the start that this is a really fun and engaging question. Why? Because it has a LOT of moving parts to it, and also, because it's very clear that you have approached writing this message to me with a lot of thought and maturity. I know how easy it is for someone to just spam-type a message in a fit of concern and panic. Sometimes people need that, they just need to spit out their feelings to someone else, and then get a response, and then they feel better. But it's clear that for you, this issue is serious, you have a lot of concern wrapped up in it, and you want a proper resolution to this, and it seems you're happy with any resolution you get as long as it feels like it's guiding you. So let's try to find something.

Firstly, I want to say that you're perfectly valid in your understanding is very valid. One thing that struck me is that you said that you believe that there's no big problem, but instead, it's a lot of small problems that are bringing you to feeling the way you do. And that's okay. It can sometimes feel selfish to say that it's just the little stuff. When you hear someone say, "Oh my partner is abusive," your brain thinks, "Oh yeah, they should definitely leave." They might say, "My boyfriend is alcoholic and ruining his life," YO GET OUT OF THAT BAD RELATIONSHIP. But then you look at your own, and think, what is my partner doing wrong? "Well, it's not one thing or the other, but a million small things." You say that and then think, "Well that's not fair. I mean he has his faults, but don't we all?"

That sort of thinking justifies us settling, which is the other point you raised. One thing that needs to be mentioned is that settling down isn't a bad thing. That's actually a very positive quality! But if we're settling with someone who doesn't actually, truly make us happy, that is where any anxiety around settling actually comes from. Okay, but is he a bad person? Is he not making us happy? That's harder to answer, which is why you're so concerned about it. It sucks, because the answer is not as easy as you want it to be, so it creates more uncertainty about your actions.

What do? Well, let's try to work through some of these issues and see what can actually be changed, and what topics are more difficult.

He's disorganized.

I can definitely understand how frustrating and stressful it might be to be in a messy place. I'm definitely that unorganized dude, and I know it's pretty bad compared to most people. There are a lot of reasons people are disorganized, and there are a lot of different levels to that disorganization. For instance, most people who see my house would probably say, "JESUS THAT'S FILTHY HOW DO YOU LIVE," but for me, it doesn't bother me at all, because I don't care about it. But although my cleaning habits are poor, my organization is extremely high. Not everything is in the perfect place, but I know where everything is, and if you said, "I need a screwdriver" or "where are your car keys," I'd have an immediate answer for you. Although I'm disorganized with cleaning, it doesn't meaningfully impact my life.

So the question comes: is your boyfriend just bad at cleaning like me, but is actually quite structured and organized; or, is his disorganization affecting him. Does he lose things frequently? Is he not sure where things belong, even to himself? Is he the sort of person who just puts something down and immediately forgets it? It's all nuanced, so you have to diagnose this yourself.

What I can say to all of this, however, is that disorganization is very fixable. I don't clean due to my depression and ADHD making me not want to; it's all mental. But if I had someone whip me and make me clean, that's a thing that inspires me. I don't care of my space is messy, but I care if someone else thinks it is. What inspires your partner is different from me, but I think this issue is fixable, because you have the power to instill good habits in them.

What you need to do is SHOW THEM how to be more clean and organized, and then emphasize when they aren't organized. Like I said about my situation, I don't personally care when things get messy. I need to be reminded, because my mind doesn't see the mess. This is likely true of your partner as well, so be his eyes; let him know when things are disorganized, and start showing him gently how to be more organized. "Gaming stuff should be by the TV/computer, no dishes or cups outside of the kitchen unless you're actually using them, no clothes on the floor ever." Simple stuff like this can hopefully make his brain go, "Oh, yeah, good idea," and he will just do them. Again, HOPEFULLY, it's not that he's just a wastrel who likes litter in his house, but that his brain doesn't realize it's messy. Instilling in him these better habits could potentially change his behaviour, as long as you exercise both gentleness and firmness in equal regard.

He is quick to anger, sarcasm, insults, and debate.

This is a bit trickier. This is one one of those things that is harder to influence, as you imagined, because it's more of his actual personality. But there are several facets to this, some that are easier to change, and some that are harder to affect. For instance, you say that you aren't argumentative by nature, but he is. They key here is, are you engaging in his arguments? Sometimes arguments have value, but you need to determine the value on the fly when the argument is occurring. If you ever find yourself disconnecting or getting upset over an argument that's occuring, you need to put your foot down and say,

"Listen, I'm sorry, but I don't want to argue. Can we talk about this when we've had a moment to relax?" or "I don't want to fight with you, I'm sorry. Can we just let this one go?" Trying to deescalate situations like this can often stop arguments in their tracks. Again, to compare myself to your partner, I trend toward being argumentative. There are lots of reasons for that, but it's just how it is for me. I don't mean harm by it. But that also means sometimes I don't realize when I'm arguing. If someone says "hey, chill" to me mid-argument, I stop and reflect on what I'm doing. I ask if the argument is worth it, and if it is, I let them know, and if it's not, I apologize and back off. Try to see if these tactics work with your partner.

Same with the sarcasm. Sarcasm seems to come naturally to him. But if you find it demeaning, that's no good! You should allow him to use sarcasm sometimes, particularly when it's harmless statements. But if you are actively upset by something sarcastic he has said, you should let him know. "That wasn't nice. I would like an apology." If he says IT'S JUST SARCASM, just be calm and say, "I know, but it still upset me. I would like an apology." He'll either throw a temper tantrum or apologize, and whichever action he takes says a lot about him.

The anger, however, is likely more of an inherent part of himself. You can control arguments, and you can control sarcasm, but for many, anger is a lot harder to control. The reason I can make this assumption is because your partner gets mad at lots of things. It's not just mad at you, but it's also mad in his games. There's no harm in getting mad at a game, especially if you care about it. But there is a degree where that anger because worrisome and dangerous. You can't do much about that if that anger is directed at you, except for the strategies I've already given you. If he is angry at you, stay calm, and deescalate. "I'm sorry, I don't really want to talk to you while you're angry. Let's take a moment and collect ourselves." Letting him step away from the conversation will force him to cool off, and whatever was being said in the heat of the moment will probably evaporate along with the anger.

He's a hypochondriac.

Here's the short section. THIS IS NOT FIXABLE. This is a mental disorder, through and through, and you can't fix this. Try to understand that this isn't his fault - it's literally his brain making him think he's sick. And it's not actually just his brain that is thinking this. When he is sick, or when he says he's sick, HE IS ACTUALLY SICK. If he says, "I have a new disorder, it causes me migraines," and he shows symptoms of migraines, HE IS ACTUALLY HAVING MIGRAINES. It's not like he's totally faking this.

The "faking it" is part of the disorder, because people who struggle with hypochondria have learned over time that if they feel ill, and go to the doctor, they get positive attention from this, and that makes them feel good. But many also suffer from what is known as a "nocebo effect." It's a thing similar to the placebo effect, but it means the person feels something EVEN IF THAT THING IS PROVABLY NOT REAL. The thing that is causing the problem may not be real, but the symptoms are VERY REAL and VERY PAINFUL. So even if it seems frustrating, try not to dismiss his pain or symptoms, because he likely does believe those symptoms are real and does struggle with them. Check out this video for more info on the nocebo effect.

https://youtu.be/O2hO4_UEe-4

The key here is, regardless of whether you stay with him or not, if you believe that he is actively suffering with hypochondria, you should try to push him to go see a therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is VERY effective at treating hypochondria, and will benefit him a lot.

He can be annoying in social situations.

Again, this is an issue that you can't really affect, and I'm not gonna spend much time here. He's a social, extroverted dude. He also has a dominant personality, from how you describe. Naturally, he dominates the conversation. If you feel you're being left out of a conversation, all you can really do is make yourself known. Maybe you're shy or meek, I don't know. But even the quietest person has to talk sometime, and if you feel you're being left behind, GET LOUD!

Not much else to say in terms of your relationship though. If he's extroverted, that's not actually a problem. You're just introverted and conflict with this more outgoing personality type.

He may have gaming addiction.

For me, I'm not entirely convinced that gaming addiction is a thing. There are studies back and forth proving its legitimacy, and while some organizations believe in gaming addiction (source: https://www.npr.org/2019/05/28/727585904/is-gaming-disorder-an-illness-the-who-says-yes-adding-it-to-its-list-of-diseases), others disagree with that perception (source: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/internet-gaming), and I tend to fall in that disagreement camp.

I ain't no medical expert. But also being a gamer, and definitely entering some really bad times in my life where gaming dominated a lot of my activities, I never felt like I was addicted to gaming. The time when I was young and would pull all-nighters playing games and not focusing on my school work? That wasn't the games causing the problem; I was using the games to avoid depression and fear of disappointment; it was a solution, but a compulsive solution, because the games made me feel better while ignoring my IRL problems. In that extent, it's no different from gambling, "sex addiction," hoarding, and shopping. All of these have various different medical classifications for addiction, but again, I ain't no doctor, and that's a digression.

The point being here is that from my perspective, it really depends on how much his gaming habits are affecting his IRL life. We know he's disorganized and unclean; is that because he plays games too much, or is it because he is naturally that way? Good question. How often does he game? Several hours a day, most of the day, or literally non-stop? Even if someone plays many hours a day, that's still not indicative of a bad situation. However, does he continue playing games even when he should be doing other things, like working, or paying his bills, or sleeping, or such? You mention he even plays games while cooking, and THAT is a legitimate concern in the favour that he may be suffering from a compulsive behavior.

What to do about this? It's difficult to say. You can try to help him realize that he might be going a little too far with his gaming. You can also emphasize that you want more time spent with him while he's not gaming. "I want ' us time,' so let's turn off the game for a bit." If he's not willing to, that's a bad sign. If you think this issue might be too big for you, then it's best to direct him to a therapist for such issues, especially as said, if it's directly impacting his life in negative ways, and not actually bringing him any real enjoyment in life. _________ So, what do?

Well, that's really up to you. You have expressed that being apart from him now has made you really happy. You haven't missed him at all. You're "finding yourself," and that's awesome.

Should you be with this person? That's hard to say? Are you settling for someone "less-than?" That's also hard to say. There aren't right or wrong answers to this sort of thing, and you kinda have to determine that for yourself based on the information in front of you.

I listed a lot of his problems, and a lot of potential solutions. But do you want to help him conquer those issues? Are you willing to put through that effort? Or are you just kinda tired and bored of dealing with this for so long? Would you be willing to move on and date other people one day? Or does this person actually bring joy to your life because of your shared interests? There are no right answers there.

That's why I think the best course of action is would be to see how much you are willing to change, and then through your action, see how much you are able to change. You only have so much influence in his life, but if you CAN influence his life for the better for both of you, that would be awesome.

What is a tolerable amount of negatives? Again, that's a very personal question, and your answer to that may change dramatically based on the situation. Do you feel like the current amount of negatives outweigh the positives? If yes, try to reduce the negatives as much as possible; if no, then you're probably on the right track, you're just experiencing a bump in the road.

[bevioletskies]

everybody wants to rule the world [3/8]

characters: peter/gamora, guardians-centric

summary: peter is the one and only heir to the celestial throne. gamora is expected to successfully lead the titans to conquer the galaxy. a political alliance is in the works, and there may or may not be wedding bells in the air.

alternately: peter and gamora find themselves in an arranged marriage and want nothing to do with it, but might need each other more than they think if they want to escape their genocidal fathers forever.

word count: 13.5k

a/n: warning for creepy/abusive behavior from both thanos and ego towards their respective children throughout the entire fic. also note that this AU is very heavily based on the MCU versions of themselves, where things are basically only different because yondu took peter to ego after all.

fic title is from the song everybody wants to rule the world by tears for fears.

we will find you acting on your best behaviour...turn your back on mother nature…

ao3 | tag

Gamora rose bright and early the next morning, unsurprised to find that she could hear the faint sounds of Peter’s snoring, even through the gilded double doors that had to be at least two inches thick. She couldn’t help but crack a smile at the sound, despite its more irritable qualities. She was already starting to pick up on the nuances and personality quirks of her fiancé, rather endearing oddities that made him so unlike the other noblemen she had encountered so far in her line of work. There was a predictability in his unexpectedness, if that made any sense at all, though she wasn’t about to tell him she thought he was sort of charming (when he wasn’t being frustratingly naive).

She slipped out into the sitting room, drawing her dressing gown a little tighter around her middle in case anyone happened to have entered Peter’s quarters, but it was vacant aside from the pizza box from last night still sitting on the coffee table, causing the entire room to smell vaguely of fried cheese. Gamora briefly debated the idea of heading to breakfast by herself, but she wasn’t exactly looking forward to facing Ego again, not after she had run from last night’s dinner. And Nova Prime - well, there went her chances of ever redeeming herself and her people. Stupid, Gamora told herself. You ruined everything for your people because of your own pride. You’re a warrior, not a child. Start acting like one.

Gamora knew she couldn’t afford to have another tantrum like that, lose control of herself and her anger because of how people saw her. Fighting with Peter when they were supposed to be allies, lashing out at Nova Prime for simply reading a little too much into her history - there was too much at stake for her to do anything remotely similar ever again. She was so close to achieving a world in which Thanos would no longer exist, a world in which she and Nebula could finally be free. No more mistakes could be made.

“Morning.” Gamora startled at the sound of Peter’s voice, spinning on her heel to face him. How had she not heard him walk into the room? “Is everything okay? You’re just...standing there.” His voice was pleasantly deep, raspy from sleep, hair sticking up on one side rather comically. She bit back the urge to smooth it down. “Dad didn’t come around to talk to you, did he?”

“Thankfully, no.” Her own voice was raw from lack of use. She coughed sharply. “I was just lost in thought, don’t mind me.”

“Anything I can help with?” he offered. “Like I said last night, if you need someone to talk to, I’m here. I am your future husband, after all,” he added with a wink.

Gamora only gave him an impressive eye-roll in response, dropping her arms to her sides as the tension evaporated from her shoulders. “We should head to breakfast now, Quill, and see if I can salvage the mess I made last night. Ask for your father’s forgiveness and hope he doesn’t ban me from this planet the moment I step into the room.”

“Well, he has no right to,” Peter said, ruffling his hair, the curls becoming more unruly with every passing moment. “But if it comes to that, I’ll tell him that if you leave, then I’ll leave, too.”

“Quill,” she said quietly. “You don’t owe me anything from yesterday, okay? It was my temper that ruined everything. Don’t risk your relationship with your father to cover for my mistakes.”

“I still don’t think you did anything wrong, but alright,” he conceded. “We should get going.”

After they both got dressed, they walked to the dining hall together, noting the absence of the attendants and guards that had lined the halls by the dozens just yesterday. Clearly, Nova Prime had already left the planet, might have even left immediately after realizing Gamora wasn’t returning to dinner. The sinking feeling in Gamora’s stomach grew stronger as they entered the room and saw Ego sitting at the head of the table with his hands clasped firmly in front of him. Mantis, Yondu, and Gamora’s people were nowhere to be seen.

“Good morning, your highness,” Gamora said, sinking into a deep bow. “Please allow me to apologize for my outburst last night.”

He merely raised an eyebrow before unfolding his hands, waving her off. “Now, now, Gamora. Don’t you worry about a thing. Irani and I had a little chat after you left, and she felt bad about putting you in such an awkward position. I’ll admit, I overreacted myself. There’s no need to apologize.”

Gamora paused. “Are you sure?”

“Of course,” Ego chuckled. “Come on now, sweetheart. We can’t expect you to change overnight, after all.”

Peter winced. Uh oh. “Change, your highness?” Gamora said slowly. All semblance of submission in her posture vanished instantly in favor of what was starting to sound like the beginnings of a full-blown confrontation.

“If anything, Peter should be the one apologizing, not you,” Ego said through a mouthful of pastry. “Do you have anything to say to me, son?”

Peter froze instantly, his eyes blown wide with fear. Gamora instinctively reached for him, but decided against it, knowing Ego would misinterpret her intentions. “I...I don’t...I’m not sure...what you’re talking about,” he stammered.

Ego sighed, taking a long drink from his mug before setting it back down on the table with a loud clatter. “Well, that’s just disappointing. I expected better from you, son. Now, I do recall I was supposed to let you look at the guest list, but I’m not so sure I want to do that anymore. I don’t like breaking my promises, Peter. But apparently, you do.” Peter turned to look at Gamora with wild desperation, and she began mouthing the answer she knew Ego was looking for. Ego clicked his tongue in disapproval. “Ah, ah, no hints, sweetheart. Peter’s a grown man. He should be able to figure this out on his own.”

Peter’s heartbeat sped up tenfold, pounding so violently in his chest it was like he could physically feel it drumming against his ribcage. Gamora was now fixated on Ego with an apprehensive gaze. He still hadn’t answered her question, and she had a feeling he wasn’t even going to acknowledge what he had said to her. “I’m sorry...that...uh…”

“I don’t have all day, Peter,” Ego said cooly, draining the last of his drink. “And you don’t, either. So if you don’t have a damn clue, both of you should just sit down, eat breakfast, and be ready for our appointment with the decorator. He’ll be here in an hour with displays for us to look at.”

The two of them moved stiffly to their seats, Peter more shaken than Gamora. He stared at his empty plate for a full thirty seconds before Gamora dropped a bread roll in front of him, which seemed to wake him from his reverie. He kept his hands busy for the next minute or so, piling up food that she already knew he didn’t like to eat, as he continued to rack his brain for the answer. Gamora kept her gaze locked on Ego as she ate as calmly as she could, hoping he would look away long enough for her to tell Peter what his father was looking for.

There was something about Peter’s body language that disturbed her immensely, the tightness of his shoulders, the incessant tapping of his foot against the tile floor. She had already become so used to his improper posture, the way he moseyed about without a care in the world. After everything she had worried about just an hour ago, she had never anticipated Ego getting mad at him instead. You’re smarter than this, Gamora, Thanos’s voice leered, rattling about in her brain. Did you really think Ego was going to risk the alliance by alienating you? And don’t tell me you’re attached to your fiancé already. His wellbeing doesn’t matter, so long as he functions well enough for our purpose. Forget him, and focus on the task at hand.

“Who is the decorator, your highness?” she finally asked, looking away from Ego long enough to grab another piece of fruit.

“He’s a bit of wildcard, that man,” Ego answered cryptically. He was still staring Peter down rather intensely, daring him to say something. Peter refused to look up from his plate, shoveling bread in his mouth like he was starving. “Apparently he’s got all sorts of tricks up his sleeve, gadgets and gizmos aplenty. He’s not actually a decorator, per se, but he does owe me some favors, and he’s got connections all over the galaxy to some of the finest goods known to man.”

“I must admit, I’m surprised you aren’t partaking in decorating the palace yourself,” Gamora said, waving a hand at their surroundings. “Considering how...elaborate everything looks, I would have thought it to be a simple task for you.”

“Oh, I’ve got a lot on my plate. Meetings, the boring stuff. Off-planet.” Ego jabbed his fork outwards in a nonsensical direction. “I’ll be leaving tonight, after we’ve made the last few wedding arrangements. I can’t guarantee when I’ll be back, but I will definitely be here for the wedding.” He chewed slowly. “So, Peter. You figured it out yet?”

“I’m...sorry I didn’t bring Gamora back to dinner like I promised,” Peter said carefully.

“And why didn’t you, Peter?” Ego began wiping his mouth with his cloth napkin, the coolness in his eyes still prevalent.

“I was worried about Gamora,” Peter said honestly. “She was upset, I didn’t wanna force her to come back to dinner.”

“So you lied to me, then.” Ego set the napkin down, folded one leg neatly over the other, his hands coming to rest on his bent knee. “You’re really digging yourself a hole here, Peter.”

“I didn’t lie,” Peter frowned. “I asked her to come back like I promised I would, but she didn’t want to, so I didn’t ask again.”

“You better keep an eye on him, Gamora,” Ego said dryly. “You might think you’re marrying a man, but all I see in front of me is a boy. A boy who doesn’t know how to take control like a man, doesn’t know how to handle people like a man.”

“Handle?” Peter exclaimed very suddenly, clenching his fists. Gamora was alarmed to find that once again, tendrils of white light were starting to wiggle their way up between his fingers.

Ego stood abruptly, his chair screeching across the floor. He flipped his cape back over his shoulder before turning and striding away. “We’re receiving the decorator in the throne room in thirty minutes. I expect you both to be on time. Don’t give me another reason to punish you, Peter. And believe me, I will.”

The moment the doors shut behind Ego’s sweeping figure, Peter let out a loud exhale of relief, flexing his fingers outwards as the light slowly died down. Gamora could only sit in silence, unsure of how to comfort him, or if he even needed comforting in the first place. She was so used to Nebula’s tantrums - yelling, fighting, screaming for blood - that Peter’s quiet fury was completely foreign to her. “You see how he is?” Peter laughed hollowly. “It’s stuff like that that makes me wonder why I even bother sticking around. And then I remember.”

“Your sister?” Gamora guessed. He nodded wordlessly. “Then we’re in the same boat. I would have left Thanos long ago if not for Nebula. She still values his opinion in her own way. Craves his attention like it’s the only way to measure her self-worth.”

“Mantis doesn’t know any other way,” he continued. “At least I had eight years with my mom. But she’s been with Dad since she was a baby. Don’t think she ever got a hug until I came along.”

Gamora couldn’t recall the last time she had been hugged, or who by. It had to have been her mother or father. “Come on, Quill,” she said quietly. “We have to finish breakfast and get going before the decorator arrives. We can’t give your father another excuse to hurt you.”

“Right.” He sighed again, picking up his fork. “You’re right.” ______

Peter and Gamora arrived at the throne room with three minutes to spare, their own capes swishing behind them in haste. To Gamora’s surprise, she found another throne had been bolted down beside Peter’s, shimmering proudly in the sunlight, complete with emerald detailing and a plush red cushion. Yondu was already stood at its side, his back stiff as a board as he stared straight ahead, while Mantis and Ego were already settled and ready.

“Would you look at that? You finally listened to me,” Ego drawled.

“Yes, Dad,” Peter said patiently as he and Gamora joined them. He tried his best to sit as still as possible, though he could see Gamora fidgeting with her ring - not the silver rings that so often adorned her fingers, those were entirely absent today - but the engagement ring he had given her, its green diamond catching the light streaming in through the enormous windows. “And I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to talk back.”

“Attaboy.” Ego patted Peter firmly on the shoulder. “See? Was that so hard?”

“Arriving now, Taneleer Tivan - the Collector,” the herald boomed from the front of the room as the enormous front doors swung open. A man strolled in, followed by two young women who looked no older than Mantis. The only word that came to Peter’s mind in that very moment was eccentric - the man was indisputably odd, with a large fur coat over an asymmetric pinstripe jacket, absolutely dripping in jewels, with a shock of white hair and a dark blue stripe down the middle of his bottom lip and chin. The two women were in matching crisp white uniforms, a stark contrast to their vibrantly pink skin and pigtails - clearly Krylorian, and clearly his servants. “Presenting His Royal Majesty, King Ego of the Celestials, and his children, Prince Peter and Princess Mantis, and Prince Peter’s betrothed, Princess Gamora of the Titans.”

“Well, that’s a damn mouthful,” Yondu muttered under his breath. Peter had to bite his lip to stop himself from laughing.

“Your Highnesses,” Tivan purred, bowing so deeply he looked as if he were about to tumble forwards. “It is an absolute honor to be in your presence.”

“The honor is mine, Tivan,” Ego chuckled, the prior iciness in his tone no longer there. “I hope you had a safe journey here. I know we’re a bit hard to find.”

“Oh, nothing could keep me away,” Tivan replied, straightening up. “Especially when I heard that the lovely Princess Gamora was here.”

“And why is that, Tivan?” Gamora leaned forward slightly to get a better look at him. It was surprisingly difficult to read his face - despite the dramatics of his appearance and his speech, there was a dullness in his expression that left her guessing.

“Why, you’re absolutely famous across the galaxy, my dear,” Tivan simpered. “When I heard of your engagement to the handsome Prince Peter here, I knew you would make a splendid pair. I just had to come and see for myself. I wanted the opportunity to provide you both the very finest for your wedding. If I may ask, how did you two meet?”

“It was an arrangement between myself and Thanos,” Ego said, eyes flickering briefly to Gamora before turning back towards the Collector. “We figured it was about time to cement an alliance between our two kingdoms. Besides, I think it’s working quite well - my boy seems absolutely head over heels for her.”

Peter let out an undignified squeak. “Dad, that’s - that’s uh.” He chuckled awkwardly. He was unsure of whether it was acceptable to joke around with his father again, or if it was too early, and would only worsen his future punishment. “It’s a bit early to say. We’ve known each other for less than a week.”

“Nonsense,” Ego laughed. “Remember when you were a kid? You loved going on and on about finding your ‘true love’ like in those books your mom read to you. And you’ve been making eyes at her the whole time she’s been here. Father’s intuition, Peter.” He tapped on his temples knowingly. Peter sunk a little in his seat, looking over to Yondu, who looked to be enjoying himself way too much. Gamora herself looked a little disturbed.

The Collector seemed intrigued but thankfully decided not to pry any further. He spun suddenly to look at the women behind him. “Carina! Ophelia! Why are we keeping our hosts waiting? Bring them the displays they have been so patiently waiting for.”

The women startled as if they had been hit before scrambling for the large crate behind them, unbuckling the straps that bound it in place. The sides of the crate crashed onto the ground with an echoing whump, revealing a large glass box. Inside that box appeared to be a revolving orb, glowing a rich, vibrant purple. The Collector snapped his fingers, and the orb suddenly came to life, projecting a rotation of images about five feet above the box. Pictures of floral displays and sculptures more elaborate than the last, table settings and matching curtains, the sort of excessive luxury that made Gamora feel incredibly out of her element. Still, she knew she couldn’t afford another misstep, now that she had tested the boundaries of Ego’s patience. Play along, Gamora, Thanos’s voice murmured in her ear. It’s imperative that they trust you are nothing more than the prince’s betrothed. If you give up the game, know that if they do not punish you, I certainly will.

“Well then, why don’t we take a closer look? Shall we?” Ego got to his feet, rubbing his hands in anticipation. Peter and Mantis automatically stood as well, so Gamora rose to follow them.

It was unlike any mission she had ever been on before, this touch-and-go mimicry of the customs and socialization of these people she still knew almost nothing about. Not that Gamora was entirely unused to this - out of all of Thanos’s children, she was considered to be the best with people, not that that was saying much. She knew how to manipulate people, lure them into a false sense of security. But this was something else entirely, watching the Celestial royal family as they oohed and ahhed over embossed nameplates, smile in delight as the Collector described the intricacies of cutlery in detail. Even Peter, who had been shaking like a leaf not thirty minutes ago at breakfast, was now clapping his father on the shoulder, doubled over in laughter in response to an inside joke as if nothing had happened.

Gamora thought back to how all her previous jobs had gone - find the target, then hurt, torture, or kill the target. Done. It was like clockwork, with the only real variation being who, where, and why, none of which really mattered in the end, not when one was as skilled as she was. Despite its horrifying implications, she liked the routine of those tasks, the expectation of how it was all going to play out. This right here, this was unpredictable and impulsive and rash, and maybe it explained why she was holding her breath like she was drowning and had no idea how long it would take to get to the surface.

“Hey. Hey, Gamora.” Peter appeared in front of her, concerned. “Man, you’re really zoning out today. C’mon, let’s get this over with and then we can go, okay?”

“Right.” She swallowed. “Right, my apologies.”

“What’re you sorry for?” he frowned. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Didn’t I?” she said hoarsely. He looked at her curiously, opening his mouth as if to ask her something, before Ego began calling them over again, gesturing at another projection of what appeared to be an ice sculpture of Peter and Gamora in a loving embrace. She stepped closer, nose wrinkled slightly in distaste. Now wasn’t the time for her to reflect on what she had done. Focus on what you have to do, she told herself firmly. Have your moment after the deed is done. After Thanos is dead. Only then, do you deserve to celebrate. ______

As the day dragged on, Gamora couldn’t help but feel drained. Not from physical exhaustion - that was a sensation that often eluded her in favor of adrenaline - but from keeping up appearances, matching the sort of energy expected out of Peter and Mantis at all times. She had two more appointments to go - in a way, she was grateful that Ego had insisted on everything being done in a single day, rather than let it carry over the entire span of the week - before she would be free to do as she pleased once again.

The dress fitting - well, she didn’t really want to talk about it. The dressmaker was a defector from the Sovereign who, despite having nothing but ill will for her people, still had every bit of arrogance and attitude that they were known for, commenting on how the swell of Gamora’s muscle definition, particularly in her biceps and thighs, were “unsightly for an otherwise semi-attractive woman such as herself”. Gamora almost started to consider decking the woman in the face, but she wasn’t about to let her temper get the best of her again. And yes, her dress was ostentatiously gold. Seriously, she didn’t want to talk about it.

The last appointment of the day was when she was reunited with Peter. She found herself surprisingly relieved upon seeing him again, smiling tentatively and bowing in greeting, something that seemed to please Ego. Peter bowing back, almost teasingly, the corners of his eyes crinkling with mirth, caught both Ego and Gamora off-guard, her smile growing slightly wider as he straightened back up.

After their miscommunication from a couple days ago, once they had reached a better understanding of each other’s intentions, he was a comforting presence among her uncertainty about Mantis and Yondu, and her dread whenever Ego was nearby. Peter was pleasant company, if a little scatterbrained at times. He was clever enough, a natural conversationalist who seemed genuinely interested in what she had to say, and admittedly very easy on the eyes (Gamora might have been secretly pleased by the tightness of his dress shirt from last night’s dinner). If he were any less amicable, she might have fled a while ago, but something about his demeanor told her that he was trustworthy.

“Cake?” Gamora said slowly. She was staring down the length of the dining table, astonished to find it entirely covered in more dessert than she had consumed in her lifetime.

“You say that like you’ve never seen it before,” Peter commented with a chuckle.

“I practically haven’t,” she replied firmly. “Cake isn’t something that’s easy to come by when one lives the way I do. And I haven’t had any since arriving.” The two dessert chefs who were standing dutifully beside the table looked somewhat offended by her confession.

“Well, then - allow me to introduce it to you,” Peter said. The chefs eyed him apprehensively as he picked up the large knife and sliced into the closest dessert, a vibrant red velvet cake topped with chocolate shavings. He passed her the plate with a hopeful smile, while she accepted it gingerly as if it were a small animal, ready to attack. Ego had since walked over to the head of the table as always, watching her expectantly. “Hey...do you trust me?”

“Marginally,” she said half-teasingly, before taking a tentative bite. She chewed slowly, consideringly. “It’s a bit sweet for my taste. I don’t really have sugar that often. It’s alright, I suppose.”

“Wait!” Peter exclaimed, moving to cut a different cake. The chefs looked to be considering leaving the room entirely since he was so insistent on taking their job. “Maybe you’ll like fruit better - natural sugars - try this.”

To Gamora’s dismay, the moment she took a bite of the second slice - some yaro concoction, oozing with a generous helping of jam - Peter seemed to have taken it as a cue to start cutting pieces from everything on the table, piling it onto an enormous plate. He brought it back to her with a brightness in his eyes, not unlike a child who was incredibly eager to show their playmate all their toys at once.

She tried her hardest not to smile at his enthusiasm. “If your goal was to make sure I’m too full for dinner, you’re certainly on your way,” she replied, though she accepted the new plate. Part of her felt ridiculous - what was she doing here, picking out flower arrangements and curtains, eating cake and tasting appetizers, like it was all she had to worry about? But then she cast a spare glance across the room with Ego, who nodded at her in what she supposed he thought to be solidarity. Right, that was the mission. Pretend like she wasn’t planning a revolution behind his back. She turned towards Peter before she could let everything she was feeling show on her face. “Are you not having any?”

“I already know which one I like,” he shrugged, pointing at a generous slice of perhaps the most modest-looking cake on her plate. Yellow cake, white frosting - no sprinkles or shavings, no fruit or chocolate, just cake. “All these recipes are from Terran cookbooks that I found at Nova trading posts. A little slice of home. But this cake? This is the one my mom taught me how to make. Or, she tried. I wouldn’t really sit still long enough to help measure out the ingredients, or stir, or any of that. But it’s a good memory.”

“Well, I have no sentimental attachment to any of these. So why don’t we go with yours?” She took a bite of the yellow cake, smiling a little as she did. “Besides, I like it. Simple, unfussy. Sweet, but not overly so. Your mother had good taste.”

“You still haven’t had any of the others yet,” Peter reminded her, though his gaze softened as he said it.

“I don’t have to,” she said quietly. “I’ll defer to you. Just this once, though. Don’t get used to it.” He chuckled in response, ducking his head bashfully.

It was then that Ego strolled over to them as casually as he could manage, apparently having become restless observing them from afar. “Have you told her about your mother, Peter?” He slung an arm over both their shoulders, jostling Gamora’s plate somewhat. “She was a beauty, that Meredith Quill. Clever, funny. A real sweetheart. I called her my river lily.”

“That’s great, Dad,” Peter said loudly, stepping out of his grasp. Gamora followed suit, wincing when she noticed some of the icing had smeared onto her jacket sleeve. “Okay, we’ve got decorations and food out of the way, Gamora’s got her dress and I’ve got my suit. Are we, uh, are we good to go?”

Ego looked at him curiously before stepping back. “Alright, I can take a hint,” he laughed, holding up his hands in defeat. “You want dear old Dad to leave you alone with your girl, I get it. I don’t blame you, son. She’s a real keeper, hey?” Peter chuckled weakly as he internally winced. “I’ll be back for the wedding, Peter, I promise. I wouldn’t miss my boy’s big day for the world!” He squeezed Peter’s shoulder one last time. “Say goodbye to Mantis for me, will you? And don’t burn the kingdom down while I’m gone.”

“Ha,” Peter said uncertainly as Ego strolled away, whistling once more. It was the same tune he seemed to whistle all the time, not that Gamora could identify what it was, or if it was significant at all. “Wait, Dad! The guest list.”

Ego paused, though he didn’t turn around. “Why don’t you ask Yondu? After all, I saw him sniffing around my study yesterday. Remind him not to do it again, will you? He should really know better.”

“I - Yes, Dad.” Peter coughed. “Have a good trip.” Ego nodded sharply before continuing out of the room. Peter then turned to look at the chefs, who looked just about as awkward as he felt. “Oh, you’re, uh, you’re dismissed. Thank you for all the cake, it was awesome as always. And please, take the rest of the week off. You guys are gonna be so worn out on the day of the wedding.”

“But, your highness - ” one of them began, astonished.

“It’s your son’s birthday tomorrow, right, Cosima? And he likes chocolate cake, if I remember correctly.” He gestured towards the table of untouched dessert. “Listen, take it all and give it to your families, and everyone who’s working the wedding, alright? Don’t let my dad’s obsession with making our wedding perfect take over your lives. Have some fun, on me!”

Both chefs looked uneasily at each other before looking at Gamora as well, apparently seeking her approval. “Where I come from, we know to never waste food,” Gamora added. “It would be a shame to see your hard work go to waste.”

“Yes, your highnesses,” the chefs chimed, relieved. They left to fetch their kitchen assistants, but not before bowing to Peter and Gamora, huge smiles on their faces.

Gamora turned towards Peter. “Generous of you. I’m impressed. And how did you remember the chef’s son so well?”

“He was one of the first births in our kingdom,” Peter explained. “His mother was working as a server at the time. She always slipped me extra servings of dessert at dinner. I remember making Yondu drag me to her room a few days after her son was born, and apparently, the first thing I said was ‘I thought babies were s’posed to be cute’.”

She snorted. “How tactful. You never really quite understood the concept of ‘think before you speak’, did you?”

“Hey, it’s all part of my charm,” he grinned. “So, what should we do now?”

“Something actually useful,” she suggested, setting her plate down. “Training?” ______

The two of them returned to Peter’s quarters, grateful to finally be alone. Granted, Gamora had suggested they invite the rest of their group along, but to her surprise, Peter had been thinking further ahead than she realized. He had asked Kraglin to escort the others to the armory and set up a secret storage area for their weapons and technology, especially Rocket’s impressive arsenal of guns. So now, it was just the two of them, and they were both surprisingly comfortable with the idea.

It was their first proper training session after the madness of their first few days together, and Peter found himself looking forward to it. Aside from Gamora’s rather unsavory reputation that he now knew to never bring up, he could only imagine the sort of things she could teach him, what he could be capable of under her tutelage. “So, what’s first? Punches? Kicks? How to kill a dude with just one finger?”

She quirked an eyebrow at him as she snapped her glove straps into place. “I’m not sure what scenario you’re imagining in which you have to kill a...man with one finger. Where are the rest of your fingers?”

“The dude would’ve cut ‘em off. That’s why I have to kill him,” he said seriously. She fixed him with another blank stare before snorting and shaking her head.

“No, Quill, that’s not what we’re focusing on. Like I said before, you’ve clearly got a natural inclination for combat and a decent skill set already, you just need the discipline. You need to anticipate your opponent’s next move before they themselves know what they’re doing.” She rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet, stretching out her torso as she did, arms held high above her head. Peter tried to mimic her movements, though he certainly didn’t have her flexibility. “You also said you know how to fight as long as the other person isn’t fighting dirty. Well, if you’re fighting for your life, all moves can come into play, honorable or not.”

“So if I were fighting you, for example…” He cut himself off with a groan as the muscle in his lower back spasmed from his stretching. “...I could totally pull your hair.”

She stepped closer to him, her gaze traveling up his body in consideration. She tried her best not to let her eyes linger, or surely he’d tease her for it. “If you pull my hair…” she said slowly. Without warning, she kicked out one leg from under him. “...I guarantee your inability to ever have children.” He collapsed in a panting heap on the ground, clutching at the sudden ache in his crotch. “Understood?”

“Yes,” he grunted. “That was...ow.”

“Eloquent,” she drawled, offering a hand to pull him up. He accepted it with a disgruntled huff, only for her to flip him back down once more and pin him in a headlock.

“Ahh!” Peter yelped. He grasped fruitlessly at her arm to no avail, her vice-like grip too solid for him to do anything but paw at her defeatedly. “You are...relentless.”

“I’ll take it as a compliment,” Gamora smirked, releasing him. He stumbled to his feet, somewhat dazed from the lack of oxygen. “And you have to be when your entire life is a kill-or-be-killed scenario. Has there ever been any sort of major conflicts here? War, famine, treason?”

He straightened up, though he was still seeing spots. “No, nothing like that.”

“So then why do you have any fight training to begin with? I can’t imagine your father found value in investing the time for you to train since you supposedly have an army.”

Peter smiled at that. “Nah, not Dad. Yondu. He, uh...well, I’m not gonna get into his story, but he’s a damn good fighter. When he was taking me here, from Terra, I asked him if he could teach me some moves. After a while, I think a part of him wished I became a Ravager instead of a prince. I was a skinny kid. Woulda been good for thievin’.”

“That’s where the story doesn’t quite add up for me,” Gamora admitted, dropping her defensive stance entirely. “Your father is clearly a resourceful man. I mean no offense to Yondu, but why did Ego send a criminal to pick you up instead of returning to Terra himself?”

“He said...he said he couldn’t bear the idea of being back on an Earth where my mother wasn’t living anymore. But I was the one who had to watch her die. And...I don’t know which is worse. Being right there, or not being there at all.”

“I had to watch my family die as well.” She slowly sat on the floor, bringing her knees up to her chest. “So forgive me for saying your father has no grounds for his point of view. It’s the kind of trauma no person should ever have to live with.”

He chuckled, sitting across from her. “Y’know, I’m starting to think this room is cursed. Every single time we’re in here, we end up talking about pretty serious stuff. But as long as this doesn’t end in you throwing a knife at me again, I don’t mind.”

She looked almost embarrassed as she hung her head. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Quill. I spend so much time lecturing Nebula for being irrational, but I realize that my temper is just as bad. It’s something I’m working on, for when I’m...my new self, I suppose. Whatever you want to call it.”

Peter tilted his head slightly as he observed her. There was an unusual softness in the way she held herself, her shoulders loose, her palms open and draped absentmindedly over her knees. The calluses on her fingertips, the scarring on her knuckles, had faded a little bit since the day of her arrival. He couldn’t have ever imagined her to show such vulnerability around him, around anyone, but maybe she had no one to talk to like this. Not when her people were so different from her, not when her sister was more similar than she wanted to admit. It was then that Peter realized, for all of her bravado, the confidence that he had recognized in her the very first time they met, it was rooted in loneliness. And if she was starting to feel connected to him, whether because of their impending plans, by circumstance, or whatever else it could possibly be, he wanted to be there for her. He wanted to help. “Well...what else does your new self wanna do?”

“What do you mean?” She lifted her head to meet his eyes.

“I guess...hobbies? New skills you wanna pick up?” He shrugged. “Whatever you can think of, really.”

“You say that like I have a chance at a normal life after all of this, whatever ‘normal’ means,” Gamora replied. “Trust me, I have no illusion of being accepted into society after our fathers are dead. I’m sure there’s a place for me in Sakaar, where I’ll spend the rest of my days fighting for my life. It’s nothing new. It’ll be a comfort, even.”

Peter frowned. “Look, I don’t know if Nova Prime’s offer still stands after what happened last night, but what she said about me? That’s still real. I’ll advocate for you. I’ll make sure people know that it was your idea in the first place.”

She blinked, surprised. “...then I’ll ask you the same thing I asked her. You barely know me, Quill, so why would you waste your time trying to help me? And don’t give me that ‘clean slate’ crap.”

“You’re right. I don’t know you that well,” he agreed. “But you’ve said and done enough for me to already know that you’re a good person. With good intentions. And you deserve a better life than the one you’ve been dealt.”

“And what of your plans afterwards?” she asked. For a moment, she thought of reacting to what he had said - in her mind, it was an utterly undeserved kindness. She could already see so much of the goodness in Peter that others had spoken of, that she couldn’t see how he thought the same of her. Part of her was also suspicious about Ego’s light-hearted teasing - did Peter truly have romantic feelings for her? Was that part of his goal here, to win her over with generous words? It was too early to tell, but she wasn’t entirely sure if she liked the idea or not just yet. “To be blunt, you’ll be a prince without a kingdom.”

“I’d like to think a kingdom is more about its people than a place,” Peter shrugged. “Maybe I’ll keep watch over ‘em, wherever they end up. If they’ll still have me, that is.” His eyes lit up. “Hey, you haven’t met the people yet! We should do that while Dad’s away.”

“You really think they’ll accept me?” Gamora said dubiously. “There hasn’t even been an official announcement of our engagement.”

“Then we’ll do it tomorrow, first thing. Kill two birds with one stone!” At her alarmed expression, he added, “Terran expression. Sorry, I forget sometimes.”

“Forget that I’m not Terran?” she said, confused.

“Forget that we haven’t known each other that long. We’ve spent so much time together already, it’s like you’ve been here for months, not days,” he confessed, getting to his feet. Once again, Gamora wasn’t sure how to feel about that just yet, though she was also starting to forget what her daily life had been like before coming here. For all of her worries and stresses about how to behave, there was also something soothing about not hiding out in some safehouse for days, or sneaking through an alleyway, or wherever the future scene of her crime took place. Being here was downright cozy in comparison. “C’mon, let’s get back to it. I thought you wanted to discipline me.” He paused. “That sounded less weird in my head.”

“I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear you. I’m getting the feeling I’ll be doing that often,” she sighed as she got up as well. “Alright then, start with your feet at about hip-width apart…” ______

Dinner was decidedly more pleasant than the previous few nights, now that Ego was away. Instead of eating in the dining hall, Peter had requested the chefs make some of his favorite homestyle Terran meals and bring them to his quarters instead. Their entire group gathered in the sitting room, sprawled across the many couches and chairs, as they made small talk and greedily gulped down every last bite.

“I still can’t believe you’re gettin’ married, Gam,” Rocket said as he began licking his paws clean. Peter wondered if it would be condescending to offer him a napkin. “I know it’s an arrangement and all, but geez, you were just slayin’ a bunch of A’askavariians two weeks ago when they sold out the big guy for a lousy hundred thousand units. And now we’re gonna watch you walk down the aisle!”

“I remember that job. You were absolutely drenched in blood,” Drax nodded, taking another generous bite of his meatloaf. “It was quite the sight, Quill. You should have seen it. There is no one more formidable than your wife-to-be.”

Gamora glanced over at Peter, somewhat worried - the last thing she needed was for him to get spooked by reminders of her violent tendencies again - but he was just grinning, awestruck. “That sounds badass,” he said cheerfully. “Kinda gross, but badass. So were all of you there?”

“Yes. We tend to travel together. Gamora and Nebula are sent on missions as a pair quite often, and so Groot and I accompany them to keep an eye on them both,” Drax explained. “Rocket just tags along because - “

“ - because I can,” Rocket boasted. “Big man don’t mind me. And he don’t scare me, either.”

“You should be scared of Thanos. I’d frankly consider it unhealthy if you didn’t,” Gamora said, poking him with her fork. She turned back to Peter. “We have other siblings, but we don’t speak of them. The Black Order...they are much more physically intimidating than Nebula and I, but we have the better track record with our father. He also acquired both of us around the same time, which is why we’re thrown together more often than not.”

“Yes, except we all know Thanos favors you over any other,” Nebula snorted as she took a sip of her drink. “It’s no wonder Korath tried to kill you so often.”

“And failed every single time, so clearly he should feel threatened by me,” Gamora retorted. “We’re not discussing this now, Nebula.”

“Why, because you don’t want your husband to know all of your dirty secrets?” Nebula shot back.

“I am Groot,” Groot said sternly, planting himself on the couch, firmly settled between the sisters. They both let out grunts of annoyance as he squished them into armrests with his overly large (and rather prickly) elbows.

“Yeah, can you two relax for a second? We got plenty of time to fight later, when we’re actually fighting for our lives,” Rocket snapped. “Right now, I just want more of this.” He held up his beer stein above his head as if it were a glorious trophy. “You mind getting me a refill, Quill?”

Peter rolled his eyes as he held out his hand, drawing slow, circular motions with his pointer finger as the glass slowly filled itself to the brim. “Y’know, I’m starting to think you guys like me for what I can do, and not for who I am.”

“Who said anything about liking you?” Rocket snarked, though he clapped Peter heartily on the back in what Peter suspected was meant to be reassurance, though the claw pinpricks in his spine made him wince.  “Besides, the only one of us that’s really hung out with you at all is Gamora. But you should be honored, man. She usually hates everyone.”

“I have no patience for anyone,” Gamora corrected, smirking. “Quill is no exception.”

“Trust me, girl, that don’t wear off,” Yondu said dryly. “Oh, the stories I could tell about ‘im when he was a boy.”

“Now you’re speaking my language!” Rocket said heartily, slamming his mug against the table with vigor. The beer sloshed all over the rim, splattering over his paw, but he didn’t seem to notice. “All we ever heard before coming here was goody-two-shoes Prince Peter. Gimme the real dirt!”

“I, too, am intrigued,” Drax added, leaning forward in anticipation.

“I have stories, too!” Mantis piped up. “There is plenty to say about Peter from when we were children.”

“I feel so betrayed,” Peter sighed.

As Yondu and Mantis began telling the others about the time Peter had decided to run around the palace naked on a dare (Kraglin, who had also been a young boy at the time, thought it would have been hilarious - spoiler alert, it was), Peter moved to sit at Gamora’s feet, giving her a tentative smile when she glanced down. Deciding she’d had enough of Groot’s intrusion of her personal space, she moved to join him, finding herself oddly comforted by her shoulder brushing against his. “Why am I not surprised you were a problem child?” she whispered.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m clearly perfect,” Peter replied softly. She laughed before she could stop herself. “I can’t believe our friends are bonding over embarrassing secrets about me and dirty secrets about you.”

“We’re hardly a conventional group of people, so it’s natural to bond over unconventional things,” she shrugged. “If it means we perform better as a team, then so be it.”

“Wasn’t even thinking about the plan, to be honest. I was just thinking it’d be nice to have more friends.” He stared at the dredges of his drink in the bottom of his glass. “It’s only been me, Yondu, Mantis, and Kraglin this whole time. Even then, I don’t see Kraglin much anymore, ever since he got promoted.”

“Can we really afford to be friends, though?” Gamora said quietly. “There’s so much at stake. If we were emotionally attached to each other - any of us, I mean - wouldn’t it make it that much harder?”

“Friends are what kept me sane all these years,” Peter replied. “Don’t you feel the same way about yours? Your sister?”

“They’re my subjects, not my friends,” she said cooly, though one cursory glance at her face told him otherwise. “And my sister and I have a complicated history. I wouldn’t call it friendship.”

“What about - ”

“You?” She looked him up and down again, this time more thoroughly. He squirmed a little under her gaze. “We’re engaged by necessity. That doesn’t mean we have to be friends.”

“Uh, well…” Peter trailed off for a moment, surprised by how much her words had cut him. Once again, just when he thought they were getting somewhere, she was leaving him behind instead. “We don’t have to be friends if you don’t want to, but if it’s just by principle of not wanting any no matter what - ”

“I thought we were done challenging each other’s values, Quill,” she interrupted, trying to keep her voice as level as possible. Around them, their friends were bursting into laughter at Yondu and Mantis’s anecdote, oblivious to their conversation. “I told you, sentiment is a weakness. It’s toxic. I accepted a long time ago that I was no longer going to let it into my life. It’s nothing personal when I say I only want to be allies and not friends. So just drop it, okay?”

“Fine.” He turned to look down at his own hands, twisting feverishly in his lap, sans light. “Sorry.”

He supposed there was only so much he could expect from her, having lived her entire life not knowing who to trust. To her, he was probably just another temporary face in the crowd, a means to an end. Still, Peter would be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed. There was something so enigmatic about her, and whenever she was around, he found himself really enjoying her company. But if she was really this insistent on keeping their relationship strictly professional, he wasn’t about to attempt anything otherwise.

“You two arguin’ again? We don’t have time for this,” Yondu complained, plopping down on the couch where Gamora had been sitting and propping his feet up on the coffee table next to Peter’s head. “I’d say you’re like an old married couple, but you ain’t even married yet.”

“The wedding is only meant to signify our compliance,” Gamora retorted, turning to look up at him. “Don’t look too far into it, Yondu.”

“And we’re making our engagement public tomorrow,” Peter added, brightening slightly. “Yondu, you can make all the arrangements, right?”

“I really do gotta do everything around here,” Yondu said resignedly, taking another swig of his beer before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll take care of it.” ______

As Gamora got ready the following morning, grateful for the loose-fit clothes that Mantis had slipped her last night after complaining about the weird wardrobe Ego had provided her, she found herself curious about how they were going to make their engagement known to the Celestial people. The emptiness surrounding the palace still gave her the shivers, extending out so far that she couldn’t see another building for miles.

She joined Peter, Yondu, and Mantis in the sitting room, following them silently through the palace corridors to the gardens. She watched in confusion as Yondu and Peter slipped behind one of the tall hedges by the border, pushing the leaves aside to reveal a bolted door. The group made their way inside and down a metal staircase, which led them to -

“Ships? You have ships. And you didn’t think to mention this before,” Gamora said incredulously.

The four of them stood in what appeared to be a modest-sized underground loading bay, boasting a fleet of somewhat dumpy-looking M-ships in varying dull shades of gray and brown. There were a handful of guards milling about, wearing what looked more like mechanic uniforms instead of the standard issue worn by the palace attendants. Despite everything looking a little worse for the wear, it was definitely more high-tech than anything she had seen above the surface, though all the colors were much more subdued (as in, not a trace of gold to be seen), aside from one particularly garish M-ship that certainly wasn’t to her taste.

“We’re taking my ship,” Peter said, pointing to the aforementioned garish ship. It had a blue and orange paint job, and was remarkably clean in comparison to the others. Gamora suspected it spoke more to his vanity than his discipline. “The Milano.”

“You’ll be sorry you kept this from Rocket. He’s an expert pilot,” Gamora said as they walked over.

“Bet he’s not as good as me,” Peter boasted as the landing ramp of the Milano slowly lowered itself down to welcome them aboard. “I’m kind of the best there is.”

“And so modest,” she sighed, taking a few tentative steps inside and looking around curiously. Oddly enough, it was the opposite of Peter’s quarters and yet shared certain commonalities. While his rooms were warm and homely, the Milano was like most spacecraft - grays and browns and blues, its structure mostly consisting of metal walls and floors. However, there were still things scattered everywhere like Peter’s sitting room as well - books, gadgets, food that left a plethora of awful smells, the works.

Peter and Yondu went up the ladder to the cockpit, chatting amicably on the way. Gamora watched them in uncertainty before Mantis gave her a friendly squeeze on the arm, her eyes bright. “There is plenty of room up there for us to join them,” she said cheerfully. “You will love the view of the planet once we are in flight. Come on!”

Gamora was admittedly impressed once she did make her way upstairs, glancing around in wonder at the large windows that encased them. Peter and Yondu seemed to be bickering at the controls, though Peter paused to turn and wave at the girls before going back to nitpicking at the way Yondu was sitting. “Alright, alright, enough of this. You two better buckle up before we take off, don’t want any injuries!” Peter called.

An hour passed before they touched down in Id, which Peter explained was considered to be the capital of Ego’s planet, though he also added that the title was somewhat irrelevant, considering the entirety of the planet had been populated at approximately the same time. Gamora was still uncertain of how exactly they maintained order - regions, cities, towns, how could they possibly govern it all? - but after everything she and Peter had talked about regarding his father, the legitimacy of the planet and the happiness of his people never came into question.

Id was just about as vibrant as she expected, and just a touch gaudy, the streets paved with glittering tile, buildings boasting golden columns and intricate detailing. There was a richness in the landscaping that had been present at the palace, impossibly vibrant blooms of flowers and carefully maintained trees and bushes lining the pavement. People were going about their day, many of them dressed as luxuriously as their rulers, whether they were on foot or in open-air vehicles. As the Milano touched down in the landing bay, located right by the city hall’s gardens, some nearby civilians paused to watch, whispering excitedly amongst themselves as they cautiously moved closer.

The loading dock lowered slowly, allowing Peter and Mantis to descend first, waving enthusiastically to their people. Gamora followed next, though she stepped a little lighter than they had, with Yondu bringing up the rear, nodding at her when she turned to look at him warily.

“Your highnesses!” one woman called out from behind the garden’s fences. “It’s so good to see you both.” The young children hanging on to her skirts slipped through the gate and ran towards their leaders with a joyful whoop, though the guard standing by didn’t seem all too concerned. They wrapped their little arms around Peter and Mantis’s legs, giggling happily.

“Hey, guys,” Peter grinned, ruffling their hair affectionately. “How’re you doing? How’s school?”

“Good,” they chimed shyly, beaming up at them with bright eyes. Mantis reached out to run a gentle thumb over their temples, antennae alight.

“You have both been very good students and very good children,” she informed them cheerfully. “That is good to know. Can’t have you causing trouble for your mother, hm?”

“Yes, your highness,” the boy promised. “I got full marks on my last math test! Mom was really happy when I brought it home.”

“How amazing, Leo!” Mantis exclaimed. “You were having trouble a few months ago with your long division, right? Then you must have made so much progress since I last saw you. She must be so proud of you. I am proud of you.”

“And how was your dance recital, Kira?” Peter asked the girl who was attached to his hip. “Sorry I missed it - we had some stuff going on. Boring royalty stuff,” he added, winking.

Gamora quirked an eyebrow at this - she hadn’t expected them to know their people so intimately. Ego, maybe, since he probably had the considerable advantage of being fully Celestial, possessing an above-average memory. But Peter and Mantis were chatting with these children as if they were just next-door neighbors.

A crowd was beginning to form by now, necks craning to get a good look at the new arrivals. Most people only had eyes for Peter and Mantis, calling out to them in excitement, though there were some curious onlookers sizing up Gamora as well, trying to figure out who she was. Yondu reached out to squeeze her elbow unexpectedly. When she turned back to look at him, he gave her what she supposed was meant to be a comforting smile. “You gonna be okay, girl. Just follow Quill and Mantis’s lead, you’ll be jus’ fine.”

After another minute or two of overenthusiastic civilians talking their ears off, Peter finally managed to weave his way through the sea of people, guiding the others towards the front of city hall and up the impressive stairs. An assistant appeared out of nowhere with an official podium, and the herald stepped forward, bowing in respect as the four of them took their places before speaking into the microphone. “Presenting Your Royal Highnesses, Prince Peter and Princess Mantis!”

“Hello, everyone!” Peter called cheerfully, waving out to the adoring crowd. “I’ve got some, uh, some pretty exciting news to share with you all.” He paused dramatically, watching everyone’s faces light up in anticipation. “I’m getting married in four days!” There was an immediate ripple of cheering and whooping - even the children looked enthused by the idea. “You guys know how Dad’s always...looking out for me. He heard about this amazing woman from another powerful kingdom and thought she would be the perfect match, both for me and for our planet’s future. And we’ve been getting to know each other for a little while now - ” Less than a week, more like, Gamora thought to herself “ - and I gotta say, I think Dad was on to something.” Peter extended a hand towards Gamora, gesturing for her to stand beside him at center stage. Trembling with nerves, she took the last few steps, the backs of their hands brushing ever-so-slightly as she did. “Meet Princess Gamora of the Titans, my fiancée and future Princess of the Celestials!”

There was a horribly drawn-out pause - at least, that’s what it had felt like in Gamora’s mind. In reality, it was perhaps no more than two seconds - before a chorus of applause broke out over the crowd, though not as enthusiastic as Peter had been hoping for. It sounded almost hesitant, but he suspected it was more in response to the mention of her home planet, and not Gamora herself. After all, if he had never heard her name, only her title, before they first met, he wouldn’t be surprised if no one knew who she really was.

“You wanna say anything?” he murmured without turning to look at her.

“I’d rather not,” she whispered back. The uncertainty on the crowd’s faces told her that nothing she said was going to change their mind about her, or at the very least, where she came from. Regardless of her own past, the reputation of the Titans was something she would never be able to shake, innocent or not. Peter turned to look at her curiously, looking almost disappointed, before turning back to wave as if nothing had happened, grinning widely at his people.

Gamora remained behind with Yondu as the siblings descended the stairs to chat with their people once more. She watched as they both practically glowed with excitement, embracing adults and children alike, or just enthusiastically nodding their heads as their subjects rambled on about the newest community events or how their businesses were prospering. “It seems irresponsible for them to travel without a member of the guard,” she commented. “They may seem universally beloved by your people, but - ”

“Who’s to say they don’t got someone lookin’ out for ‘em?” Yondu snorted, patting the yaka arrow on his hip. “You ain’t seen me in action yet, Gamora. It’s a damn fine sight to see, you can hold me to it.”

“Have you ever considered committing treason against Ego?” she asked, quieter now. “You taught Quill how to fight, after all. And I’ve had many a time where I considered driving my sword through Thanos’s skull, not that I’d ever get close enough to do it.”

“Sure, I think about it sometimes. But I’m not stupid enough to kill all of us in the process. The whole dang planet would explode,” he chuckled softly. “My loyalties lie with the kids, and they been loyal to Ego up until now. Y’know, I still find it crazy you managed to get that boy to consider doing something he shoulda thought about a long time ago. Now, I’m no parentin’ expert, but I can tell Ego’s not doing it right. No good father would ever act the way he do.”

“I can tell they both think highly of you,” Gamora said consolingly. There was something about the anger burning in Yondu’s eyes, both now and from a couple nights ago, that told her of his true intentions. Despite being an ex-Ravager captain, at his core, he seemed like the kind of person she wanted on her side. “You said it yourself - you practically had more of a hand in raising them than Ego did.”

“Yeah, but I ain’t their daddy.” Yondu looked almost saddened at having to admit such a thing. Before Gamora could inquire further, Peter came jogging back up the stairs to join them, oblivious to Yondu’s troubled expression.

“Hey, so the people have been asking for us to stay in Id tonight. They wanna throw us an engagement party,” Peter said excitedly. He was practically bouncing on his toes in elation. “We can send a ship to bring your people over to join us. I’m in if you are!”

She eyed him speculatively. “I thought we were going to go over our weaponry cache today,” she replied.

He faltered. “Yeah, I guess I forgot about that. Well, we can - ”

“ - but you wanted me to properly engage with your people for the time being, present ourselves as a united front. I imagine this would be my best opportunity since you said the wedding would be nothing short of chaotic,” she finished, giving him a small smile. “Weapons can wait until tomorrow. Rocket won’t be very happy about that.”

“There’ll be free booze?” he offered tentatively, grin widening.

“Then never mind, our change in plans should suit him nicely,” she chuckled. “When and where is this party being held?”

“Starting around dinnertime, in City Square. It’s about a dozen blocks over from here,” Peter explained, pointing into the distance. “In the meantime, I’ll get us a car and show you the sights! It’s way more awesome out here than in the palace, believe me.”

“Sounds like a good idea,” she admitted. “I am getting a little tired of being cooped up, working on our...plan, all the time. I guess I should enjoy the fresh air while I can.”

“That’s the spirit!” Yondu hooted, pumping a triumphant fist in the air. They both startled at the sound of his voice, having completely forgotten he was there. In all honesty, Peter had gotten a little caught up in the vibrancy of Gamora’s hair in the morning sun, trying his best not to stare. “And how about I go get the car? You always ask ‘em for that gaudy ol’ thing that don’t got any sort of protection at all.”

“It’s Dad’s car, so you try telling him that!” Peter called after Yondu’s retreating back as he disappeared down the stairs to fetch the attendant. “Well. Okay, then. Ready to live a little?”

“I’d hate to see what your idea of ‘living a little’ is, but it’s too late for me. I’ve already agreed,” Gamora said, smirking. “Lead the way, Quill.” ______

Gamora found herself surprised by her surroundings as they began making their way through the city on foot, having been dropped off further away from its center. Yondu had taken Mantis elsewhere after some civilians had requested she visit one of the local schools, leaving Peter and Gamora alone yet again. Considering the false decadence of the palace in contrast to its stark environment, she had assumed the rest of the planet would echo the very same, lacking depth, lacking life. But the streets were as lively as any other moderately populated planet, bustling with men, women, children, and occasionally animals she suspected wouldn’t live in harmony together otherwise. Most people bowed their heads as Peter passed, a few reaching out to squeeze his hand or arm in greeting every now and then, many of whom he greeted by name. No one seemed particularly intimidated by his presence, only made happier by it. It was a far cry from the way people reacted to Gamora or Nebula on Titan, the way that the slaves in Thanos’s possession (the very idea made her skin crawl) curled into themselves the moment they laid eyes on either sister.

“They look up to you,” Gamora commented as he guided her down a vacant alleyway. “But not in the way people look up to their master for guidance. More like...a revered hero, for reassurance.”

“I just want them to remember me well. To know I’m looking out for ‘em,” Peter nodded. “Can’t be a good prince if my people can’t trust me. But hey, if you wanna call me a hero, I ain’t complaining,” he added with a laugh.

“Don’t put words in my mouth, Quill,” she teased, elbowing him gently. “And where are we going? Why aren’t Yondu or your sister here?”

“So many questions,” he chuckled, reaching out for her hand. “Come on, I thought you trusted me.”

“Marginally,” she repeated, though they both knew it was much more than that as she laced her fingers with his. They were pleasantly warm, a little rougher than she expected for a man of his privilege. He smiled in return before leading her into a small shop. It was dwarfed by its surroundings and utterly normal in appearance, lacking the gold detailing and sparkling tiles she had gotten so used to back in City Center. Instead, it was nondescript wood siding and scaffolding, with one small window that provided little view inside, no sign that boasted its wares or services. She would have otherwise thought it to be a house hidden among random shops.

Once they were inside, however, Gamora found herself overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things filling up its cramped quarters, teetering shelves and crooked cabinets stocked up with random trinkets and treasures, racks of used clothing and old sheets, piles and piles of tattered books stacked from floor to ceiling. There was a small, worn desk by the door, and behind it, a finely-dressed man, who bowed the moment he saw Peter step in.

“Greetings, your highness,” he said politely, straightening up. “I heard you were in Id, but I wasn’t sure if you would be stopping by.”

“Aw, Broker. I’ve always got time for you!” Peter exclaimed, reaching over to pat the older man on the shoulder. “Besides, what better time to bring my fiancée to the best shop on the whole planet than right now?”

“You flatter me, Prince Peter,” Broker replied, though he was glowing with pride. “It is lovely to meet you, your highness,” he added in Gamora’s direction, bowing to her as well. “Please let me know if you’re looking for anything in particular.”

She smiled at him cautiously, wondering when someone, anyone, was going to recognize her, before making her way through the winding maze of goods, careful not to knock anything over. “He looks familiar,” she murmured to Peter, who had followed her to the other side of the shelf, perusing a selection of novelty keyrings.

“Broker? He used to set up shop on Xandar,” Peter whispered back. “Dad invited him to bring his business here, keep him away from the crazies who attacked his place to get their hands on rare inventory. You haven’t ever...tried to...kill him, have you?”

She fixed him with a glare. “No. But I passed through Xandar before. I was told I could find an Infinity Stone there, but my source was lying,” she replied coolly. “I must have gone by his old shop or something.”

Peter nodded sheepishly, feeling a little guilty about his question. “I wasn’t kidding, by the way. This place is pretty cool - I get stuff for Yondu and Mantis from here all the time. Broker’s got tons of weapons in the back, if you wanna check those out.”

“I actually wanted to look at the books,” she said, gesturing towards the precarious stacks of volumes that looked to be defying gravity. She felt as if one wrong move would cause the entire place to collapse into itself. At his raised eyebrow, she drawled, “What, did you think I couldn’t read?”

“I just - I - well, I didn’t think Thanos would bother teaching you,” he stammered defensively, watching in fascination as she began running her fingers down the spines, tracing the faded lettering. She lingered every now and then, before decisively pulling out a few books in particular. “I didn’t think you and Nebula were savages or anything. Just, you surprise me sometimes.”

“If it’s a skill that helps me carry out my duties, then it was useful enough for him to instill it in us,” she replied. She circled around to another stack and began picking through its selection as well. “I might as well use what little free time I have here wisely. I don’t get many opportunities for leisure, and if my life here is about to become as relaxed as yours, then I should take advantage.”

He followed her, albeit at a safe distance. “You should look at what I’ve got in my study, too,” he offered. “I’ve got tons of books in there I’ve never touched. Put ‘em to good use for once.”

Gamora smiled, something soft and pretty and utterly unexpected. Despite her reservations earlier, Peter thought she looked happier today than she had been the previous five days (and oh, wow, had it really only been five?) he’d known her. “Thank you, Quill.” ______

The rest of the day went by peacefully, with Peter leading Gamora around the city, showing her the sights. It ranged from modest to ostentatious - both the places and the people. To her relief, most passersby seemed unaware of who she really was, who she was tied to. It still made her stomach twist anxiously, though, seeing what looked to be the last of individuals of races that she or Thanos had wiped out. She had to remind herself that she was trying to save everyone now, as much as it seemed like she was doing nothing of real significance, what with her dress fittings and cake tastings. But patience was key - it could be weeks, or even months before the opportunity would make itself available to them, but it was going to happen. She would make sure of it.

They reunited with Yondu and Mantis by dinner, along with the rest of Gamora’s people, in the City Square. The sun was going down, but the streets were lively as ever, music streaming through speakers mounted on every lamppost. The crowd shifted around them like a tide, sweeping their group inwards until they reached the rows upon rows of tables in the very middle of the square. The tables were covered in mismatched tablecloths and oversized bouquets of flowers. Dishware and cutlery were already set out, while people bustled in and out of nearby houses and market stalls, hefting large trays of food.

“When you said there’d be food and booze, I didn’t think it was gonna be like this,” Rocket commented. He was perched on Groot's shoulder, his line of sight far higher than anyone else’s. “I expected, I dunno, gold everything like your dumb palace. Some sparkly, wishy-washy crap.”

“This ain’t Sovereign, Rocket,” Peter laughed good-naturedly as they neared the table. The crowd didn’t seem too concerned about watching them take their seats, already disappearing to get more food or find their companions. Peter paused, glancing at the single chair at the head of the table, before reaching to pull another one around from its side. He gestured for Gamora to take a seat. “For you, Princess.”

“Are you really going to call me that in public?” she grimaced, though she sat down without further complaint. Peter and the rest of their people followed suit, filing themselves neatly on either side of the table.

“Only when necessary,” he promised with a childlike grin.

The Celestial subjects began joining them as well, setting down the last of the food before taking their seats. There had to be room for at least a hundred people, with others crowding in to serve themselves before walking away to sit on the sidewalk or the nearby benches. It was certainly one of the strangest arrangements Gamora had ever seen, with the barricades preventing vehicles from passing through as everyone flooded the streets by foot. It was more akin to a street party than the soirée she had been imagining. Peter and Mantis began dishing out their own servings, politely declining as one kindly older woman offered to help them, so Gamora followed suit.

“Does this happen often?” Drax asked after they had been eating for a few minutes. “This celebration among your people, it is similar to the war rallies of my home.”

“Not really,” Peter admitted. “We don’t have exciting stuff happen that much. Which is why we should make the most of it! Live a little, you know?”

“I would prefer to live a very long and fulfilling life,” Drax frowned. “Why would I only want to live a little?”

“No, that’s not what that - ”

“Your highness! Let us congratulate you on your engagement,” one large, boisterous man boomed from further down the table, holding a generous mug of mead in the air. “So many of us have watched you grow into a fine young man over the years - it’s a blessing to be part of this celebration, my lord. You have provided us with your good heart for so long, to see you share it with someone else is all we could ask for.” Gamora blanched a little - they did remember this was an arrangement, right?

“Thanks,” Peter said cheerfully, unfazed. “So, tell me how you guys are doing! Is everything going okay? Chancellor Yorke is taking good care of you when we’re not around, I hope.”

“She approved the new park just last week,” a different man chimed in. “My daughters will love the new play area.”

“And you should see the school over in Otto,” one woman called, waving her hand enthusiastically. “They’ve got their music education program up and running. I’m sure you would have loved to attend when you were young, your highness. Or maybe even now!”

Gamora couldn’t help but cut in, curious. “So that’s common knowledge, then? My...fiancé’s fixation on music?”

“Fixation? It’s his passion, my lady,” the woman laughed. “I remember the day our king brought him home and announced that he had finally found his beloved son. Do you recall, my lord? You were standing on the steps of the city hall like you were this morning, except your hands were in your pockets, headphones on, bopping away without a care in the world!”

“...‘bopping’?” Gamora asked skeptically.

“Dancing, Gamora,” Peter exclaimed incredulously, putting his fork down. He was looking at her like she’d grown an extra head. “You’ve never danced before?”

“You assume that I can’t read, but that I can dance. Interesting,” she deadpanned. He gave her another inquisitive look, prompting her to go on. “I was raised to be a warrior,” she continued. “I do not dance.”

As if on cue, the music grew louder, some gentle, whimsical song crooning through the speakers, filling up the tiny gaps between the multitude of conversations occurring all the way along the length of the table. She looked at Peter accusingly, but he only shrugged, having had nothing to do with it.

“Join me?” he requested, getting to his feet. He held out a hand, though his gaze fell on her face, his eyes gentle. “Or I can ask Mantis,” he added quietly. Gamora could feel the others’ eyes on them, watching expectantly.

She examined his outstretched palm for a moment, the unexpected callouses of his fingers and the slight bruise he had on his knuckle from attempting to knock her out in combat training yesterday (and failed, causing him to spiral wildly into the nearest wall). She stood as well, accepting his gesture as she did. “Your father’s probably expecting us to dance at the wedding. I’d rather embarrass myself now instead of later,” she answered, though her stomach warmed with nerves (or maybe she was just hungry. They had barely started eating, after all).

“Forget him, I want to dance at our wedding,” he laughed, squeezing once as he led her over to the crowd. “And since you’re teaching me how to fight - with discipline, as you so kindly put it - let me teach you how to dance.”

Why do birds suddenly appear...every time you are near?...just like me...they long to be...close to you…

They stood still for a moment, her eyeing him cautiously as he watched her in contemplation, before he took another step closer, his hands coming to settle on her waist. Gamora blinked in confusion before putting hers on his shoulders, and slowly, he began to move from side-to-side, his hips swaying slightly with the swell of the piano. She followed him automatically, though stiffly. Her shoulders were still bearing the weight of her discomfort from earlier, her elbows locked tight.

Why do stars fall down from the sky...every time you walk by?...just like me...they long to be...close to you…

“There doesn’t seem to be much to dancing,” she commented after a minute had passed by, unsure of where to look. Peter’s gaze remained on her face, the mischievous spark in his eyes still evident in the evening light. “We’re practically just rocking back and forth. What is there to teach?”

On the day that you were born the angels got together...and decided to create a dream come true...so, they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold...and starlight in your eyes of blue...

“Well, we’re just doin’ something simple right now,” Peter said defensively. “Wait ‘til we try something like - ”

Gamora found herself being twirled underneath his arm as he spun her out, before guiding her back into his embrace, barely giving her enough time to catch her breath. She righted herself against him, fingers digging a little deeper into his shoulders. He was warm, a little heated from all the walking they had done and the amount of body heat surrounding them, but he was steady, graceful in a way that he hadn’t been during combat practice. He fought sharply, haphazardly, flinging himself about with reckless aplomb. Here, there was a kindness in his presence that she found welcoming, a thoughtfulness in his touch.

“You look like you’re thinkin’ pretty hard about something...again,” he said half-teasingly, half-seriously. “All that stuff you were stressing out about yesterday during those dumb appointments - is that it?”

“I have a lot on my mind,” she replied quietly. “Don’t you, considering the position we’re in?”

“Sure, but I’m trying to not make it super obvious how freaked out I am. Is it working?” he grinned cheekily, crinkles forming at the corners of his eyes.

“You won’t be able to charm your way out of every situation, Quill,” Gamora said sternly, though the twinkle in his irises made for a much more pleasant view than the swirling cosmos of a few days prior. “We can’t have every day be like this.”

“But...you had fun today, right?” Peter looked uncertain. “I mean, I did, and sometimes coming here’s a real drag - usually I’m with Dad, and we make official announcements and pass laws and stuff, but - ”

“I did,” she interrupted, smiling tentatively. “It was quite the tour. And I’ll admit, you make for good company.” She didn’t need to look down to feel the warm glow of his hands on her waist, pleased by her words. “Maybe friendship isn’t...entirely off the table.”

“You’re just saying that,” he chuckled bashfully.

“And I mean it,” Gamora promised. “But only because I’m feeling strangely optimistic about our chances of survival. I could use more allies once we’re on the other side of this whole ordeal. Either that or I’ve had too much wine.”

Peter pulled her in closer as they took gentle steps, circling slowly as everyone around them continued to eat, drink, and dance to their heart’s content, oblivious to their prince and his soon-to-be wife. His eyes went to the table, where their friends were, watching and smiling at them, and then to Gamora’s entirely untouched glass of wine. He smiled privately to himself, ducking his head into her hair as he did.

Just like me...they long to be...close to you...

a/n: hey, all! first, i am so sorry for this chapter being later than i originally intended, school took over and then i got the flu so i've been mentally all over the place, but i've sort of got a handle on my schedule now so hopefully i can have more realistic estimates on the next chapter.

by the way, my aim is for the next chapter to be either the week before valentine's or the week of, because chapter four is going to be the wedding!! if you have any suggestions for good love songs from the 50s to the 80s that would be great for the wedding, please let me know! i've exhausted most of my favorites in my other fic and i just love music recommendations in general haha

speaking of music, the song that peter and gamora dance to is (they long to be) close to you by the carpenters.

thank you so much for reading, likes and reblogs would be much appreciated, and i'll see y'all in the next chapter!

[joannalannister]

Samyria submitted:

Hey :) I don´t know if I´m asking the right person (and also it is kind of an old case) but what are your thoughts about Jon being a Targaryen?

I  personally don´t like it because it feels forced, obvious (to be honest: I´m not a fan of the Targaryen family - Daenerys included) and way too much like some kind of fanfiction where the Mary-Sue (aka Dany) finally finds her Gary-Stu (aka Jon). I mean…two families equipped with random super powers (in contrast to ALL the other families) and now there is this perfect link between them? That is a bit too much for my taste… Still I would love to hear your opinion. :D

Hi! I’m not exactly sure what you’re asking. 

Are you asking me whether I think Jon Snow is Rhaegar and Lyanna’s son? Because yeah, I believe that, I don’t think “R Plus L Equals J” is too obvious. The fact that so many people figure it out while reading doesn’t make it obvious or forced imo, it just makes me believe that GRRM builds a good foundation when he’s constructing his story, so that when Jon does find out about his true parentage in the books, it will feel very organic and a natural part of the story. I don’t think I have any original thoughts on this theory, but if you’d like to read about it in depth, I recommend the #R plus L equals J tag on @nobodysuspectsthebutterfly‘s blog. 

Or are you asking me whether I believe that Rhaegar and Lyanna got married in the books, making Jon their trueborn son rather than a bastard? 

I don’t believe the theory that Rhaegar and Lyanna got married in the books, because I don’t think Jon Snow’s bastardy is something that’s going to be “solved” so neatly. I don’t think illegitimacy is something to be “solved” at all tbh. The R+L=J reveal is going to be quite tumultuous for Jon, something that will shake him to his core imo, and I think a lot of Jon’s narrative is going to be dedicated to his emotional journey of coming to terms with the idea that he wasn’t Ned Stark’s bastard at all, but Rhaegar’s bastard, and that the woman Jon thought was his aunt is really his mother, and sure, I believe that Lyanna went willingly with Rhaegar, but I don’t think she stayed willingly at the end, because I think this medieval idea of “consent once given is given forever” is bullshit and I think (hope) that GRRM is ripping that idea to shreds, like he does with that idea in Cersei’s narrative. 

That tv show doesn’t have time for emotional journeys, hence the R/L marriage and the complete lack of a nuanced depiction of Rhaegar and Lyanna’s relationship. 

Like, the way that I see Jon’s narrative isn’t that his bastardy is a problem, it’s that he needs to come to terms with it emotionally. And imo Jon has come to terms with the idea that he’s Ned Stark’s bastard in ADWD, cuz Ned was good and honorable and everyone in the North affords Ned a certain respect that sort of counterbalances the stigma in Westeros that bastards are treacherous and awful. So he’s halfway toward accepting who he is. But how much is it going to shake him when he finds out he’s actually Rhaegar Targaryen’s bastard? we can debate Rhaegar’s character until we’re blue in the face, I’m not gonna do that here. Set Rhaegar aside for a moment. The Targaryens murdered Jon’s grandfather and Jon’s uncle. The Targs really fucked up House Stark. 

So when I talk about one of ASOIAF’s themes of the body as a battleground, GRRM is really gonna bring it home in Jon Snow, because he has to deal with such great internal conflict, Stark vs Targaryen, and how can Jon come to terms with what Rhaegar did, and how does that affect Jon’s decisions moving forward. 

Not to mention the whole “I don’t think Jon’s ever going to be fully 100% alive ever again cuz he’ll be a fire zombie” thing complicating this whole situation. 

So yeah, anyways, I think Jon Snow is staying a bastard throughout the series. (Although Robb may have tried to legitimize him, idk wtf is going on with that, idk if that counts, and frankly I don’t give a damn so *shrug emoji*.) 

Is it forced or obvious? I don’t think GRRM’s going to make it feel that way. 

Also, I think the point of Dany’s story is that she is the Targ claimant to the Throne, not Jon, but she gives it all up anyway to save the world. It’s a lot bigger and more meaningful sacrifice on her part if Jon remains a bastard.

In terms of a Mary Sue / Gary Sue … I don’t think I believe in those concepts tbh? Mary Sue is a term loaded with a lot of sexism and misogyny, and Gary Stu is derived from it, instead of the other way around as is typical, because people mostly use the “Mary Sue” concept to criticize female characters for being “too competent” / “too beautiful” / “too admirable” etc. We’ve seen numerous examples of Dany and Jon failing, so what exactly is too competent? What is too beautiful? What makes someone too admirable? 

I don’t believe in the concept of a Mary Sue. I believe in good stories. 

And I think GRRM is more than capable of making Jon and Dany into a damn good story: a compelling, emotionally-satisfying, well-written story with very flawed, very human characters. I think everything from AGOT to ADWD is proof of that. I would literally have to quote the whole book here. 

So, I think the opening argument falls to you here. I’m not gonna do it for you. You would need to make the argument that Jon and/or Dany is a Mary Sue in the books with specific textual examples of how you feel they fit the definition of a Mary Sue if you want me to rebut that idea. 

Regarding the idea that the Starks and the Targaryens have super powers while the other families don’t … idk what to tell you. ASOIAF is an epic fantasy series; people who do magical stuff is par for the course. If the fantasy genre isn’t your thing, idk what to say. 

But what do the Starks have in terms of super powers? Bran has magical powers, Arya can commune with wolves, and Jon is … possibly vacationing in Ghost until a woman from Essos resurrects him. Sansa and Rickon don’t seem to have any magic, or at least nothing that’s manifested itself. (Nor did it seem like Robb did.) 

idk, this doesn’t bother me. The Starks are the heroes. I want to see them do fantastic things, as much as I want to see Wonder Woman go up and over the top. It doesn’t bother me that magical powers aren’t distributed equally among Westerosi society because these powers are supposed to be special. They’re not ordinary. The magic isn’t a mundane part of everyone’s life. The people who use it are not ordinary. Someone like Arya is … exceptional. There could be a hundred Lancels, or a thousand Randylls, but there’s only one person like Arya. Only one person like Bran. Only one Jon. Because I think we’re supposed to realize that being the hero is hard. Stepping up and being the true knight in a world as dark and twisted as Westeros is something very out of the ordinary, something very rare. And the cool thing is that they would do this true knighthood thing even without the magical powers; the magical powers are just author signposts to say, “pay attention to this person” and painting it so much larger than life.  

And idk if the Targaryens really have super powers? Dany has dragons. She has magical creatures, but does she have powers? A miracle happened to her, where she survived Drogo’s pyre, but she’s not fireproof, nor are any other Targs. idk, I read fantasy because I want the miracles, so again idk what to tell you. 

Why does it bother you that the Starks have direwolves and Dany has dragons? 

(If it makes you feel any better, I like to imagine that the prehistoric lions in the Westerlands (basically direlions) – I like to imagine that after the Clegane kennelmaster killed the lioness, Tytos found two cubs and they took them home and he gave them to his kids as pets, but cats being cats, the lion cubs just caused a bunch of problems like knocking down expensive shit and gnawing on people and stuff, until Tytos was like, OK we gotta lock em up, and that’s why they were tame and why they didn’t bite Cersei’s hand off many years later.) 

For me, it always felt like Tyrion has his own superpower: “My mind is my weapon,” and this is why GRRM wrote Tyrion as he did, making him a dwarf to give him a head disproportionately bigger than his body, like he’s someone from a comic book. 

And iif you’re asking me about Jon being in a relationship with Dany, but it being incestuous … eh, it’s fantasy, it’s not real. The incest just adds to the heightened emotions, like some Greek Drama or s/t. If we were reading about the Greek gods on Olympus or s/t with all their incest, would everyone cringe so much? 

Truly, I’m a lot more bothered by all the 13 year old girls being forced to get married in ASOIAF, and the way GRRM writes about how a woman’s “childlike smile” and “girlish body” is “so sexy”. <.<

For Jon/Dany … as I’ve said before, I think ASOIAF is about love, and I think it’s about loving even in the Lovecraftian landscape of the Others, about finding and reveling in our humanity even when it’s under siege in a twisted world of cold and ice. Some people think that’s corny or cheesy or cliche. I think it’s beautiful. If you don’t like it, tho, then you don’t like it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Finally, if you were asking me about Jon/Dany on the show, I’m sorry but I don’t like that show, so the question of whether Jon/Dany are forced or obvious on the show is irrelevant to me. 

[belaborthepoint]

South Carolina Debate Transcript

GAYLE: Let's begin. Senator Sanders, we currently have a low unemployment rate. This means practically nothing since many people are working multiple part-time jobs with wages that barely keep them above the poverty line. But regardless, why would socialism ever be better than what Trump is doing for the economy?

BERNIE: Trump hasn't improved the economy for anyone other than rich people. We still have 87 million Americans who are underinsured or have no health insurance and 500,000 people tonight sleeping on the streets.

NORAH: Mayor Bloomberg, I'll let you defend capitalism.

BLOOMBERG: Trump should not be president. Russia is helping Bernie Sanders so that Trump will win. Russia gave Bernie Sanders a million donations of $27 to help him.

PEOPLE PAID TO BE THERE BY BLOOMBERG: (APPLAUSE)

GAYLE: Why would Russians want Bernie to be president?

BUTTIGIEG: If Bernie wins this nomincation, what you'll have is two people with very strong opinions, and they might raise their voices at each other when they disagree. Now imagine someone who's more relaxed, less agitated, more milquetoast. The kind of person who prefers honeydew melon to cantaloupe and doesn't like spicy foods. Right now, this is not about what we want for our country. It's not about health insurance, or wages. It's about just chillaxing, bro! Haha you know?

STEYER: Bernie is right. The problem is that he's wrong. What working families need is for basic needs to be commodified and privatized so that market has competition and capitalism can thrive. Donald Trump STINKS!

BIDEN: I'm not saying Bernie is responsible for mass shootings, but Bernie is responsible for mass shootings and he loves guns. In case anyone forgot, I was vice president under THE Barack Obama. And Bernie, he, let's talk about progressive. This was something that he wasn't. He, Bernie, he didn't -- progressive is getting, is doing things. And Bernie doesn't get things. Do. He doesn't do them.

BERNIE: Pete is funded by billionaires.

BUTTIGIEG: I will not allow this! I will no longer let this stand! I must let it be known that I also have donations from people who are not billionaires in addition to all of the donations that I do receive from billionaires. By the way, everyone please give me more money right now. As much as you are legally able to, give it to me now.

GAYLE: All right, all right. So, Vice President Biden, why don't black people like you?

BIDEN: Oh, you're actually wrong. They do. And if they don't, they should, because I deserve it. I worked like the devil's hotcakes. You shoot that spittin' pinjata wrestler like a hot diggity blubber nugget, and I mean that! I have come here and I plan to earn the vote and I plan to win it. I will win. You will vote for me or by dang, I'll splitterty splat the whole jib jab plipper plopper. You can count on that, folks.

(APPLAUSE)

GAYLE: Mayor Bloomberg. When you apologize for stop and frisk, it's sort of like you're not actually taking responsibility and you're trying to exonerate yourself for every terrible thing you've done? Can you admit that you, personally, carried out stop and frisk and it's your fault and your own actions are to blame?

BLOOMBERG: OH my GOD, ENOUGH with stop and frisk already!! You people are OBSESSED!! Give it a REST. Stop and frisk got out of control. I apologized, I talked to real live black people and I have nothing else to say about it. I don't have to justify myself.

GAYLE: Weellllll you actually kinda do though.

BLOOMBERG: I bet I can name more than one hundred black people. Ben Carson. Um. Give me a second.

GAYLE: Mayor Buttigieg, is racial profiling racist?

BUTTIGIEG: Yes. Also, sorry that we're all white, that's kinda awkward. I mean, you know, I'm not black, obviously. I'm white. What else would I be? I'm a white man. I'm not a black woman. I'm not. I'm just, I mean, I'm a man. I'm--

GAYLE: Thank you, Mayor Buttigieg.

BUTTIGIEG: I'm a man and I'm white. I'm not even a little bit--

GAYLE: Thank you. Thank you, Mayor Buttigieg.

BUTTIGIEG: I mean, look how white I am! Have you ever even-- I'm so white! I am a white. Man. I shouldn't even really be talking, cause I mean, you know, what do I know? I'm white! I shouldn't even really be talking about racial justice.

NORAH: Yup! Yes. Correct. Okay, moving on--

BUTTIGIEG: I am white.

BLOOMBERG: It's just a fact that racism exists, and we can't deny it. I just think we should all be acknowledging racism more.

BIDEN: I wrote that bill!

KLOBUCHAR: I am also white and I would also like to take a moment to speak about race. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, we're all united like three kids in a trench coat. We're all wearing one large garment. We are all three children standing on top of each other in a trench coat and pretending to be one adult, but really, we're children. I think we should provide childcare for everyone, and you know, I think everyone should be able to vote.

(APPLAUSE)

GAYLE: Senator Warren, why do you think Bloomberg is the worst candidate for the democratic nomination?

WARREN: Because he's literally a right wing republican who bought his way into this election and nobody trusts him?

GAYLE: True.

BLOOMBERG: In case you forgot, I was there for 9/11. I was inside of the twin buildings. I jumped out of the window of the 18th story through the burning flames and I died in the air from being on fire, but then, like a phoenix born anew out of the ashes of the old, I was reincarnated, and I became a democrat, because I love this country, and I love New York. Have you ever seen the movie Manhattan? It's my favorite Woody Allen movie, the one where he's 60 and dates a 17-year-old but it's okay because it's like quirky New York City people? Sometimes I watch that movie and I'm just like, wow, age knows no bounds. It's actually beautiful. I just love this city. This city is big. It's like a country. It's like a planet. I could probably be the dictator of a whole entire planet if I wanted to. Remember 9/11? Support our troops.

WARREN: Remember when you told a woman to kill her baby?

BIDEN: I wrote that bill!

BLOOMBERG: I did not say that.

WARREN: So why won't you let any of these women speak about their experiences?

PEOPLE PAID BY BLOOMBERG TO BE THERE: BOOOOOOOO!! Not all men!!!!  

BLOOMBERG: Look, I don't know what more you want from me. Three women in the history of my whole life didn't think I was funny and then they tried to sue me. I'm sorry that they have a bad sense of humor and are too sensitive. A lot of women get confused and have bad hearing because of their periods, and I'm sorry if they made up things inside of their little brains and got themselves all worked up over nothing, but there's really nothing I can do about that. There's no point in continuing to bring up that I've harassed over a hundred women because it hurts my campaign and will make it less likely that I'll be president, so let's please just get over it.

PEOPLE PAID BY BLOOMBERG TO BE THERE: (APPLAUSE)

NORAH: Moving on! Senator Sanders, can you explain the math for the spending plans of every single one of your proposals in a minute and a half?

BERNIE: Um, no. It's kind of nuanced and would take longer than that.

BIDEN: THAT'S the problem. We need soundbites. Not lengthy plans that you can read about in your own time. You can't expect people to READ.

STEYER: I have an opinion.

BERNIE: Every study shows that medicare for all will save money. It'll cost $45 billion.

STEYER: Excuse me? Hello? I just want to take a moment. I just want to say that what we have on our hands here is the choice between a racist misogynist and a man who wants to make healthcare available for everyone, and to me, neither of those options look good, and this is very scary.

NORAH: Cool, thanks...so back to the actual conversation. Biden?

BIDEN: It's about time. Okay, Tom Steyer, remember when you bought a private prison system that wasn't providing healthcare for the people being held there?

STEYER: But then I sold it afterwards!!

BIDEN: Back in my neck of the woods, my hometown neighborhood baseball team would call that "Holly Golightly." You're just a beautiful, chain-smoking vixen with a cat named "Cat," that's what you are, you little tease! You old fox!

STEYER: Guilty as charged, mister. Say, you wanna get outta this joint and mosey on over to someplace a little more...intimate?

BIDEN: Holly Golightly!!!

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GAYLE: Mayor Bloomberg, you're super fatphobic and are one of those people who use the phrase 'obesity epidemic.' Would you carry out fatphobic policies on a national level and continue policing everyone's eating habits and blaming health problems on fatness even though there's actually no direct correlation between weight and health and these ideas are just widely promoted by diet culture and the weight loss industry?

BLOOMBERG: Yeah, I'm still extremely fatphobic.

NORAH: Bernie wants to legalize weed. Discuss.

BLOOMBERG: It should not be criminal. Unless you're a dealer because then you are a bad and evil person. More importantly, we don't really know what marijuana is doing to our brains. Has anyone even researched this before? I don't even know what it is. Is it a plant? Does it grow on a tree? Who even knows! We need to get to the bottom of this. Research suggests that it is unladylike to smoke weed, and only boys do it. Boys are entering comatose states and waking up twenty years later after being cryogenically frozen, because of what marijuana is doing to their brains. It enters the brain cells, it rewires the neurotransmitters and emits electromagnetic currents that destroy your entire nervous system. Marijuana is killing our boys. We need to find out why.

BERNIE: Our criminal justice system is super racist and equates marijuana with heroine.

BIDEN: I wrote that bill!

BERNIE:  We're going to expunge people's records and help POC communities start businesses to sell legal marijuana so it's not just white elitist hipsters controlling the market.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

NORAH: Senator Warren, why should we pull out our combat troops? How can we keep people safe?

WARREN: We're not keeping people safe or doing anything productive at all by keeping troops in Afghanistan.

GAYLE: Mayor Buttigieg, what would you like to contribute, as a veteran?

BUTTIGIEG: When I came out of the womb, I was in full combat gear. And just as sure as the hair on my chinny chin chin, I had a weird birth mark on my shoulder that was the exact image of the American flag. America used to stand for something. That's the America that I know and love.

BRENNAN: Senator Sanders, you've praised communism's ability to lift people out of poverty and acknowledged that socialist governments have done good things. Does this mean that you love authoritarianism?

BERNIE: Obviously not. I don't condone authoritarianism, I just think that Cuba did some things successfully.

BIDEN: So you think authoritariansim is good.

BERNIE: Do you know how logic works? No, I don't. I can say that the Cuban government has done certain things well and still condemn authoritarianism.

BUTTIGIEG: What is HAPPENING here?!? Is this the Cold War?!? What century are we living in that you can talk about the Cuban government with any kind of nuance?!? Who DOES that???! THIS IS INSANITY. What does Bernie think this is, the 1960s?? Are we gonna start dancing to rock and roll and being gay??? Wake up!!!!

BERNIE: Pete, do you really think universal healthcare is that radical? Or raising the minimum wage? Or providing affordable housing? Or raising taxes on billionaires? Or criminal justice reform? Or immigration reform?

BUTTIGIEG: Yes. I just can't admit how moderate I actually am.

GARRETT: Senator Sanders, you claim to be Jewish, but you don't hate Palestine...what's the deal with that?

BERNIE: You know it is possible to be Jewish without being a Zionist, right? It's hard to ignore the harm that's been done to Palestinians.

GAYLE: Alright, final question. What's the biggest misconception about you, and what's your motto?

STEYER: The biggest conception is that I'm rich just because I'm rich. My motto is that I like to pour glue on my hands and then slowly peel it off because I know that I can always dig deeper and get to know myself on more levels.

KLOBUCHAR: Biggest misconception is that I'm not a party girl, because give me a few mimosas at brunch and I'll be dancing on the table! My motto is that I want to help people even though I'm a politician.

BIDEN: Biggest misconception is that I want a black woman on the Supreme Court. Wait no. That's my motto. Wait what? Okay, misconception is that I'm bald, while I actually have a gorgeous full head of long, flowing locks. Motto is "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you are never gonna keep me down."

BERNIE: Misconception is that giving people human rights is radical. The motto is the song "It's Possible" from the Rogers and Hammerstein version of Cinderella.

WARREN: One misconception is that I'm not always eating, cause I am always eating. I love snacks. Especially those big jars of peanut butter-filled pretzels. And my motto is, if someone asks you for a peanut butter-filled pretzel, just give it to them, okay? You can spare one peanut butter-filled pretzel.

BUTTIGIEG: Misconception is that I'm too milquetoast, when actually, I am a moderate amount of milquetoast. You want someone who's even keeled and doesn't have emotions all the time. My motto is that I'm like a priest, but like the young hot priest in the show Fleabag. Not like as a character, but just cause I'm young and hot and also religious.

BLOOMBERG: Misconception, that I'm tall. When actually I just take up space because of my male privilege and not my physical height. And the quote is actually a little ditty that I came up with myself that goes "I want to be president really bad please elect me now I have put a lot of money into this campaign and I want to win please vote for me so I can be president."

PEOPLE THAT BLOOMBERG PAID TO BE THERE: (APPLAUSE)

NORAH: Okay, cool...um. Yeah. Super Tuesday's coming right up. I sure up that everyone doesn't drop out and endorse Biden because the DNC desperately wants to defeat Bernie. But I guess we'll find out! Bye!

[girl4music]

The 6th studio album from Demi Lovato is here and it’s ‘Tell Me You Love Me’. I made sure to give this a good listen a couple of times through so I could get all the details down of what I wanted to say about it in my review. I heard it on a rushed initial listen and I disliked near to every song on it because of the musical production. I didn’t like how dead and dull the beats sounded. But later I found out that the production did not actually sound that bad, I was just listening to it through earphones that had a broken right ear and I did not realize it. Musical and vocal production is most important to me when it comes to the music. If you have not got that right, then you haven’t got anything right. If the musical production is bad, then it’s all going to sound bad. If the vocal production is bad, then the singer is going to sound bad, no matter how well they performed in the studio. Clarity is key when it comes to both kinds of production. I need to be able to hear everything that’s going on in that track. All the detailed nuances and dynamics in instrumentation. Of course how it’s mixed and mastered plays a huge role into how it sounds on the final cut but it’s mainly the producer that has the job of making sure the track sounds clear so that everything is equalized. These days though the producer also mixes and masters the tracks, so they are pivitol to the finished release. When it comes to the vocal production, that is also extremely important. Especially how the vocalist phonates the lyrics. How they convey their thoughts, feelings and emotions to the listener so you can better understand the story or concept behind the music. Demi is very good at that in general, and on ‘Tell Me You Love Me’, it’s truly what sells it.

This is a track by track review where I talk about the specifics of what I personally picked up both negatively and positively about each track and how I rate it based on those opinions. I’m not your average reviewer. Those of you who read my reviews already know that I am a subjective one. I only draw from my own perception. Everything I see, hear, feel and know about the music is what I talk about. I do not talk about sales, charts and awards. I don’t talk about numbers at all. So if that’s what you’re expecting, you should move along because I never do that. I do not consider it a necessary thing to talk about. But what I do consider necessary to talk about is the music itself and how the artist/band has grown from their previous efforts. What has improved and what has decreased. This shows their development as an artist and that has more benefit to them than me just praising them for the success they’ve already achieved. I attempt to give them critical acclaim through constructive and unbiased criticism. So I will do the very same with this review. Here we go…

1. Sorry Not Sorry

The debut single to ‘Tell Me You Love Me’. This song is a great summer song. She released it at the right time and makes her market. In several interviews Demi talks about how she was the only one that wanted this track to be the first single and that nobody else on her team agreed with her and would of much rather chosen the title track ‘Tell Me You Love Me’ instead. Until she went to seek out the advice of Jay Z at Roc Nation and he told her that she was right. That it should be the debut single. That was what made the debate settle and they went with ‘Sorry Not Sorry’ as the first single of a whole new era for Demi’s music.

I think they made the right decision. It’s a great song. It has it’s pop vibe for radio to latch on to but it also showcases the soulful side the album is offering. It features a choir as many tracks on this album do. It’s sort of an intentional set theme Demi wanted to go for with it’s soulful/gospel style. It’s got a very catchy chorus, something you will sing along to, if you can. Demi’s songs are always difficult for even a classically trained singer like myself to sing to, let alone just anyone. I want to point out how interesting I find the techno bass vocal effect that’s in the track. She uses this effect quite a bit in this album and it’s interesting to me because usually I don’t like this kind of thing in music. Modulated/pitch-shifted vocals usually puts me off. But I actually quite like it in this album. It gives it edge and attitude and it contrasts well with the gospel choir, making it compliment the track overall rather than destroy it. There is too many songs out there where even small things like that can make or break the song. It was a risky decision and it payed off for Demi.

9/10

2. Tell Me You Love Me

‘Tell Me You Love Me’ is the title track of the album and as previously mentioned earlier, was supposed to be the debut single for it. It’s a great song that really shows just how soulful Demi wanted to go with this album and I think that’s why her marketing team were fighting for it so hard against Demi. But she argued that people know her too much for this kinda thing when it comes to her music, so she wanted to prove to the public that she can also be a party girl. She’s versatile and I absolutely LOVE that about her. It’s a big reason why I am a fan.

This track brings in a Jazz band. Horns and brass instruments are heard sounding out in the intro and they have a prominent existence all throughout the entire song. It makes it sound sophisticated and mature musically and sonically and that’s something Demi definetly wants to have if she’s trying to get The Grammy’s attention. The drums that make their way into the track at the chorus are real drums. Big deal for me. I’m tired of hearing drum machine beats. I love the sound of a real drum kit. Demi’s vocals go for the goals with hitting those high upper-belts that she’s known so well for. Upper-belts are her trademark. You know it’s Demi when she’s hit about 5 F#5′s consecutively in the same breath without even so much as a stagger in vocal control. Yeah, to say I’m jealous is an understatement. She said she’d give us an album that showcases other sides to her massive vocal capacity, and she does, but you just come to expect the powerhousing alongside it and think nothing of it. It’s just what she does and she does it very well. For musical production and vocal production as well as vocal performance this makes it one of the best songs on the entire album for me. It scores as high as her voice.

10/10

3. Sexy Dirty Love

Initially I did not like this song but it’s grown on me with every listen to it. It’s a grower track. It’s an infectious disco tune. Like something you’d get from Donna Summer back in the 70′s but with more modernized musical and vocal production. Using the techno bass vocal effect gives it that updated pop production as well as the electronic bass and drum beats. Demi’s proved she can do fast-tempo music with her cover of Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive’ for the soundtrack to The Angry Birds Movie. She’s never really done disco for her own music though. It’s very different for her, but as usual, she smashes it because she’s just that vocally versatile. Although, not a favourite from this album or really anywhere close, it gets respect and praise from me for her experimenting and trying something new which furthers her development as an artist.

4/10

4. You Don’t Do It For Me Anymore

Now we get on to our big power ballad. ‘You Don’t Do It For Me Anymore’ is gorgeous vocally. Demi finally uses her falsetto register to a degree where it’s clear and consistent and her voice is not wavering around. She has good control of it, proving that she is fully capable of singing in head voice whether recording in the studio or live in performance. She just needs more practice with it. The tonal quality and brightness of her head notes are stunning. A beautiful and light timbre that’s perfect for singing R&B/soul music. Because in soul more than just the modal/belting registers are needed. R&B is about the vocals being used as an instrument. Everything is about vocal capability. It requires flexibility and dexterity. It requires a mixing technique where you can go from head to chest voice easily and fluidly. If you haven’t got that or you can’t execute your vocals to do that consistently, then R&B is not right for you. This is the only reason I was skeptical of Demi going R&B. Not that I doubted that she could do it. I had all the faith in her. I just wanted her to prove to me that she was ready to. This track is what cemented it for me that she can and she will succeed as an R&B/soul artist. I 100% believe that all she needs is more vocal training. I want to see her perform this one live without changing her voice to chest when she has to do the falsetto parts or avoiding the notes completely. Whatever weakness she believes she has is all in her mind. She is capable of it physically, she’s just doubting herself and hesitating when it comes to actually executing it in performance. If she can do it in the studio, she can do it live. No excuses.

As for the musical production, it’s old-school style instrumentation. Lots of violin and cello. It’s got big strong kick drum beats that give it a really dramatic feel. It’s very reminiscent of ‘Stone Cold’ from her last album ‘Confident’. The lyrics, and I don’t often talk about lyrics, are very interesting. Demi has confirmed that while the song sounds like it’s about a breakup song with a lover, personally for her, it is not. It’s about her breaking up with her old self and saying that the alcohol and the drugs don’t do it for her anymore. Of course you can interpret it any way you like, but I think this is a very interesting take on the song. Self-reflective lyrics are something I would resonate with or relate to more than if it was just about a relationship going down in flames, which Demi leads you to believe it is about when she refers to what she’s singing about as a “who” instead of an it. Clever multi-perspective lyrics. I am very impressed with her songwriting on this. The fact it is so brillaint musically, vocally and lyrically make this song the epitome of the album. The highlight of the entire body of work that she’s created and put together.

10/10

5. Daddy Issues

This is my least favourite track on ‘Tell Me You Love Me’ because of it’s messy electronic production. Her vocals sound great but the electronics are so punchy, in your face and distorted that nothing sounds clear at all apart from her vocals. But even they sometimes at some points in the track get lost in the mix of the mess it is. It all just kind of clumps together and isn’t very well arranged. The distorted electronic drum and bass beats, the weird video game-like sound effects, the techno rhythms and melodies don’t make it a very appealing song to listen to. You might feel differently, but it just doesn’t work for me. The only part of the song I like is the dance break bit and with her singing “daddy issues, huh”. Otherwise this song is just disappointing to say the least. I wish she would stay away from DJ’s and EDM-style so-called producers because they cannot provide for her the musical quality her voice needs to be surrounded by to really just exemplify how fantastic of a vocalist she is. I want for her material to be just as strong as her voice is so that she’s taken seriously as a vocalist and an artist. This electro-pop stuff just isn’t right for her at all.

Also, does anyone know why they censored out the word ‘fuck’ in the first verse? If you do, let me know. I thought I had downloaded the clean version until I realized it’s like that on the explicit version too.

1/10

6. Ruin The Friendship

This bluesy little number captured me eventually. I skipped passed it on the initial listen because my earphones were just making it sound just as bad as everything else sounded. Dull and dead. But no, the track doesn’t actually sound like that. I just need better listening gear. I love the drum beat and bassline on this track as well as the sensual Jazzy instrumentation. Those trumpets sound so sexy. I feel like it was missing a saxophone solo, but you can’t have everything. I’m just such a big fan of real and orchestral instrumentation. Demi’s vocals here are also very sensual and sexy. Using a softer and lower vocalization in the main vocal track but also doing the backing vocals in a high and light falsetto. Gives it a confident and yet vulnerable contrast. She’s almost whispering when she gets to the bridge. It’s really arousing. She gets louder and more forceful towards the end of the song. That gets your attention and pulls you out of that foggy haze her sensual vocals have put on you. So very emotive.

I am not gonna go into the lyrics. We all know who it’s about as she doesn’t exactly keep it illusive. I think it’s a really good track. Not as good as some of the others though so it’s not a personal favourite. You might feel differently and that’s perfectly fine.

7/10

7. Only Forever

Another ballad. A much needed departure from the faster tempo we’ve had for the passed few tracks. Demi has mentioned that this song is sort of like a part two from the last track ‘Ruin The Friendship’, so clearly it’s about the same thing and the same person. I won’t get into that. Although, I am very intrigued, I’m keeping it strictly about the music.

So the track opens with the sound of out-of-tune piano notes. Like they’re being played on an old, dusty, hasn’t been touched for years piano that’s so out of tune it just doesn’t function properly anymore and sounds awful. I’m sure there is an artistic reasoning behind this so I’m not gonna point it out as a fault. It’s probably got something to do with the story of the song. Connecting the musical production and the lyrics together to tell the story. I love songs that do that. The techno bass vocal effect makes it’s way into the album once again. She seems to really like that effect. It must provide or mean something specific for her. Not sure what that could be but it’s interesting enough to make me peruse my thoughts about it. And I love thought-provoking music and art of any kind. I love interpretating and coming up with theories and headcanons on that art. I always say we never look for the meaning in a piece of art. We create it for ourselves. It’s very synthy. Got lots of atmospheric synthesizers. Could almost pass for a dream-pop song. I find it a bit boring to be honest. However, it does make it more entertaining when she picks up power and tempo in vocals.

6/10

8. Lonely (feat. Lil Wayne)

Demi’s one and only collaboration for the album. There was supposed to be two but one fell through apparently. A midtempo borderline ballad I would call ‘Lonely’. It’s just basic percussion and bass. I think I hear an organ but I’m not sure. Any instrumentation in it isn’t very prominent. What makes it worth listening to at all is Demi’s emotive vocals. They sell the song. Like no question about it. Those creaky, raspy, husky vocals, emoting all the pain and grief and conveying them to the listener’s ears. You can hear everything she does without all the distracting instrumentation and you feel it. You feel how upset and pained she is. You literally feel how lonely she is. Or maybe it’s just me because I have the ability to feel what she feels anyway. Long story…

Her emotive vocals communicate everything there is to care about in the song because Lil Wayne’s feature is terrible. I mean, it’s really bad. 1. It’s covered in autotune. 2. Because it’s covered in autotune, you cannot make out a damn thing he is saying. 3. It just sounds like he is underwater for the whole thing. Maybe it’s a conscious artistic choice though, I don’t know. I thought he would be a good collaboration but nah… he might as well not even be there for all the good his rapping contributes to this track. It just doesn’t. It’s all Demi. Absolutely from start to finish, it’s all Demi. ‘Lonely’ would actually be a better track with just Demi solo. Lil Wayne is just that useless and pointless to it that you could edit him out and have Demi doing the rap and the song would actually be better. Maybe something to think about when she performs it on tour. If she performs it on tour…

5/10

9. Cry Baby

“I’m no crybaby, but you make me cry lately. I’m no crybaby, but you make me cry baby. Crybaby”.

This song if you can’t tell from the lyrics alone is just an absolute masterpiece. The musical and vocal production, the vocal performance, the rhythm of the verses, the guitar solo, the lyrics. Everything. Absolutely everything about this track is incredible. The chorus hits hard. The chorus is so fucking good! Let’s just talk about the intro to start with though before I get ahead of myself. When I heard the lone electric guitar echoing through my ears like it was being played in an empty arena, I immediately thought of ‘Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)’. But not Cher’s version. The Nancy Sinatra version from the Quentin Tarantino film Kill Bill: Volume 1. It’s actually one of my favourite films in history. Obviously not the same melody because that would be copyright. But I mean just the aesthetic of it. I fell for this track straight away. Hopelessly and helplessly fell in love with it. I’ve repeated it God knows how many times since it came out.

The musical production reminds me a lot of ‘Mistake’ from ‘Unbroken’ album. A very underrated track. But hopefully this won’t recieve the same treatment. Tayla Parx wrote this song along with another song called ‘The Beauty’ that unfortunately didn’t make it on the album. I’m dying to hear that one if ‘Cry Baby’ is this damn good! No guesses which song is my favourite song on the album.

10/10!

10. Games

This one has weird electronic sounds and effects like ‘Daddy Issues’ but I find them more tolerable than in that track. Again, it’s just an electro-pop track. Doesn’t sound very R&B or soulful at all. But maybe that’s just me. I don’t have much more to say about it than that. It’s not the worst on the album but it’s not much better than that. Not for me. It could have easily been replaced with a much more worthy track such as ‘Smoke And Mirrors’ from the exclusive Target version of the album.

2/10

11. Concentrate

‘Concentrate’ starts off as an acoustic/stripped down ballad at first. Snaps, claps and acoustic guitar. A little bit of reverb on Demi’s voice as she sings the lyrics in the verses. Then an electric guitar melody, her gospel choir and a drum beat comes in at the chorus and there’s definetly an organ that joins in too. It’s a very laidback track but it builds up to a climax, so it’s quite progressive and Demi sounds really great on it. Emotive vocals full of soul and attitude really lift the song into the stratosphere. When the heavier instrumentation comes in, it does not overtake her vocals. The vocal production remains clear and it’s easy to make out how she sounds and what she’s saying. It’s a good song but not a standout.

4/10

12. Hitchhiker

Bassline sounds off in the intro and brings us into another bluesy little number from the album. I especially love the backing vocals in this song. The gospel choir was a great addition to this era and this album. This song will sound amazing live with them. This is another song I’m really looking forward to hearing live. I love the musical production too. The driving guitars sound awesome. I wish there could of been a blues guitar solo. It would of really added the cherry on the cake to end off the standard version of the album.

8/10

This is my most favourite to least favourite tracks:

Cry Baby

Tell Me You Love Me

You Don’t Do It For Me Anymore

Sorry Not Sorry

Hitchhiker

Ruin The Friendship

Only Forever

Lonely

Concentrate

Sexy Dirty Love

Games

Daddy Issues

This is my track by track review of the standard version of Demi’s 6th studio album ‘Tell Me You Love Me’. I would of done the deluxe tracks but I don’t like ‘Instruction’ at all and there’s nothing really much to say. The ‘Sorry Not Sorry’ acoustic version with the choir sounds great though. You should definetly check that out if you haven’t heard it yet. She’ll probably post the video of them performing it eventually. There is an exclusive Target version with 2 tracks on it called ‘Smoke And Mirrors’ and ‘Ready For Ya’ but since I don’t class them as part of the album itself, I’m not gonna review them either. But I do think ‘Smoke And Mirrors’ should of replaced either ‘Daddy Issues’ or ‘Games’ as I don’t like those tracks much but I do love that one. Thanks for reading. Give feedback.

- Girl4Music

[fangirlingabout]

Sometimes A Masterpiece Can Be Appreciated by What it’s Not

So, you might’ve heard that Netflix dropped a teaser a few days ago for their new film adaptation of the legendary anime Death Note. Or you might not have, in which case, I’m sorry for being the bearer of bad news, but... it’s bad. But maybe not in the way you’d think when I told you that.

I think you could guess the main issue that’s causing such an uproar just by watching (namely, the white-washing of characters that are Japanese), but what I meant is that the execution isn’t bad.

Director Adam Wingard clearly has a style and atmosphere in mind that he wants to bring to life, and for what it wants to be, it looks like an intriguing action movie.

But the problem was there from day 1 of the story meetings: the ideas driving this adaptation are totally off-base. The execution on those ideas might be fucking rad for all we know, it’s just that from what we can see, they missed the point in fundamental ways.

And obviously we can debate about the white washing and race-changing (it’s not seen here, but another beloved character that’s Japanese originally, L, was changed to black) and how it steals potential roles from Asian-American actors, and whether or not it effects the narrative (I mean, why would Light be nicknamed ‘Kira’ if this isn’t set in Japan? And if it is, well, it’s not like Japan is completely one race, but it just begs the question: ‘why make the change at all?’)---but I feel like that’s already been well-covered. If not by other analytical sources and entertainment news hubs, then by comment sections and forums all over the internet.

Instead, I’d much rather focus on what a fantastic series the original Death Note was, because aside from the white washing issue, that’s the reason people are so up in arms over this adaptation missing the point---They were very good points to begin with.

So, what do you say we go over what this movie seems to be getting wrong that the original anime got so incredibly right?

1. Death Note is Not an Action Series

To me, it seems like both the series and the movie are trying to be a thriller, but the ways in which they go about it are completely different.

The big-budget action scenes in the Movie’s trailer look impressive, but that’s not at all where the vast majority of the tension came from in the original series.

What makes Death Note truly outstanding is the gripping descent of its main character and the brilliant back and forth between Light and the forces of the law, in particular, of course, L. The tension came from the fact that these characters were often several steps ahead of each other, and remarkably, even the audience. The game of cat and mouse couldn’t be more satisfying to follow step by step as it unfolds in perfect time to when we figure out what’s going on.

2. Death Note is Complex

In adapting anything to a 2 and a half hour format, you’re usually going to lose a lot of the nuance and subtlety when the source material was something much longer, like a book series or a manga. There’s just a lot more time to pace things out.

It can be done and done well, but it’s extremely difficult to communicate all those important elements without rushing the pacing.

That’s why it’s hard to understand where they want to take the Movie’s story. It’s not impossible for it to be good, but it’s... perplexing. It’s clearly got scenes that weren’t in the original anime (I never read the manga, so I can’t say for sure it’s not something from there), so changes will be made to adapt to the time limitation, it’s just hard to say where they’re going to take it.

It also makes me wonder why they wanted to re-adapt Light’s story instead of setting this in the same universe and centering it on a different character. That would at least give a narrative reason to the white-washing, even if it’s still not great in my opinion, and it could be cool to revisit Kira’s world in a different continent. Like Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them was to Harry Potter, except instead of magical whimsy and wizardry, there’s just more death.

But whatever, that in itself is a derivative idea, I’m just saying that with all these changes being necessary to fit this story into a 2 hour time-frame, at some point you do have to ask why retell this story instead of a new one?

Because Death Note’s story was paced so well. I mean, my favourite part will always be the arc with L and Light facing off---I can sort of understand the impulse to find a way to wrap it up there somehow and make that the movie---but there’s still a lot of great elements all the way up until that legendary ending.

I would hate to lose any of that methodical, well-thought out story or the subtle symbolism worked around it, so that’s just another aspect the Movie makes me appreciate more in the anime.

3. Characters and Atmosphere

I’m jamming these sections together because it’s hard to talk about both of them when all we have to compare to is a small teaser.

But my point is that I’m a bit bummed not to hear that classic Death Note score yet. You could argue that they’re adapting the manga, not the anime, so they don’t have to draw any elements from the anime if they don’t want to. And hell, they might even benefit from trying to differentiate themselves.

But... nostalgia goggles are blinding, you guys. It’s just hard for me to feel like I’m watching Death Note without a score even at least a little reminiscent of this. Maybe that’s just me, but when you’ve got some iconic music already attached to the property, why not use it? 

Granted, the trailer music might just be the trailer music, and they might even have the kind of musical nod I’m hoping for, but until then, I’ll stick to the original. The tension and dark, Gothic style can’t really be beat.

And speaking of things that can’t be beat, here’s to hoping we’ll get something even remotely similar to the character depth we got in the show. There’s so many iconic characters that have stood the test of time to come from the show, losing any of that richness would be such a shame.

Overall, there’s a lot of elements that I would miss from the show if we lost them in translation to the movie. And for the record, yeah, you can tell I’m someone who does consider this white-washing, so even though I’d love to see Nat Wolfe try a really challenging role just to see what he can do, I don’t love the premise I’ve seen in general.

I guess that means I’ll be rewatching the anime this summer, huh? Fine with me. It’s truly one of the classics, and nothing can ever really take that away.

[blindrapture]

After the break, the remainder of this post will be Andrew Hussie’s newspost from 11/08/14. In it, he goes pretty in-depth about the symbolism and intent of Homestuck’s GAME OVER flash. I wanted to share this because it’s one of the most concise examples I can think of that stresses why I still think he’s goddamn lovely. It also contains his own rather clear declaration that he prefers Death Of The Author over Word Of God (”Now, since they can no longer depend on answers which I supply between horse jokes and snappy retorts, they are lost in the woods to fend for themselves against the wolves of dubious fanalysis.“), a sentiment which echoes darkly through the fandom these days. You could argue he pretty much spends most of the newspost trying to explain how to read the ending to come. And plus I can say this is a #ThrowbackFrihorse thing, even though it’s nowhere near Friday.

Spoilers ahead, those of you who have not yet finished reading Homestuck.

Andrew: There comes a time in every young Homestuck's life when they must face the fact that a notable comic author has swindled them into getting on a bus labeled "cool updates", only to swerve said bus off the highway and into a precipitous gulch of unmitigated sadstuck. But the old wives tale says that sadstuck was just a thing that happened in our fanfics, the bus children wailed. That's what they said about the tricksters too, a veteran child in the back replied. They said the tricksters would never see the light of canon, but where are the doubters now? Where are they now. Propping up six feet of dirt is where. The veteran child is weirding everybody out, so they stop looking at him, and turn to the driver. But the driver is now a spooky skeleton and the kids lose their shit. The skeleton head does a creepy 180, and speaks his scary curse. Heed me bus youths, for I am the ghost of future sadstuck. I have traveled back in time and am on a bus for some reason I guess, to punish you for your maudlin fics. For every time you murmured sadstuck while having a feeling, for every fic you pastebinned by candlelight, my curse has grown stronger, and my legend, dumber. Then the skeleton ran out of stuff to say, and looking a little embarrassed, turned around again to keep driving. Then he screamed once he remembered the bus was falling. Thanks for listening to my short story. We like to have a good time here at MS Paint Adventures, The Website. The gigaplay is off to a rocky start of unhewn feels. If your kerchief has become too soggy with tears from emotion, skeleton terror, or just plain admiration for my skill as a short story writer (can't blame you there), and you wish to lighten the mood, I recommend moseying over to Paradox Space, which is currently running a 24 page comic I have written about Crowbar. I am alert to the desires of readers every single day, and the one thing I hear them clamor for above all else, is more stories about CROWBAR. We want more content about Crowbar, RIGHT NOW, they say, and make that content consist of 24 beautifully illustrated comic pages, MINIMUM. I just give the people what they want. Fortunately, Homestuck's Premier Felt Fan #1 Jones was available to do a spectacular job of illustrating this comic. My rambling noir-style monologues have never before overlapped such lovely artwork. GOD TIER TALK! I don't answer Q's about Homestuck much anymore. It was a practice which I think used to be some people's lifeline for decoding the enigmatic runes of this story. Now, since they can no longer depend on answers which I supply between horse jokes and snappy retorts, they are lost in the woods to fend for themselves against the wolves of dubious fanalysis. Pulling the ripcord on the Homestuck machine again, combined with recent story events, makes me think something FAQQY may be in order. The thing is, when you make a big story, and allude to rules for a complicated system dictating mortality, people tend to REALLY, REALLY want to understand how it works. Speculation naturally fills the vacuum in lieu of concrete data. Theories are crafted. Headcanons, congealed. Then, when additional data is presented (DEAD KIDS), which happen to chafe with fanon constructs, feelings run ragged, and Bullshit is called. Then Bullshit shows up, and says, you rang? And the fanonistas say, yes Bullshit. Look at this mess. LOOK at it. This in NO WAY jives with my views on what constitutes heroism and justice. Bullshit nods sagely while lighting its pipe. Earlier in HS when god tier folk were more scarce, the story was more cagey about these verdicts. The Vriska ruling was presented as a close call, which maybe could have gone either way. Then Slick smacked the clock to Just before it could settle, leaving the true verdict ambiguous, and the 'moral debate' intact, so to speak. But now that there are a lot of god tiers running around, with the stakes raised and the body count piling up, the game (or, story) is starting to be more liberal with its rulings. As in, more likely to come down hard on Just, Heroic, or Neither verdicts without intervention or obfuscation, helping us better understand the boundaries of heroic and just action through example. Not necessarily by moral definitions, but as dictated by the rules of a game. So that turns the story guy (sometimes known as an "author") into something like a ref at a basketball game. He blows the whistle when he sees the basketball guy (the "baller") take a half step without bouncing the ball. The home team crowd does not detect the subtle violation and goes boooooo! Those homers can boo all they want, but you know, the guy is really just some bozo with a whistle. The rules are the rules! There's reason to think there is a nuanced scale ranging from Heroic to Just inside the clock. There may be many shades of justice and heroism, some forms just barely qualifying to seal one's fate. But there's nothing nuanced about Alive vs. Dead. The result of a coin flip is absolute, even though there may be many subtle factors contributing to which side it lands on. Such as whether the coin is pure of heart, and whether the table it lands on has ever killed a man. You get a sense for the nuance of the judgment when it comes to these "close calls", like with Vriska, or more recently, with Jade. In her case, she was subject to mind control when she racked up her misdeeds, which ordinarily would probably exempt her. But it wasn't ordinary mind control. More like flipping an "evil switch", removing her ethical filter, thereby letting he personality come through, and giving her license to act on impulses which she'd ordinarily suppress. So this gives the clock something to work with. Still, her behavior is compromised, so it's by no means a slam dunk. (BASKET BALL! that is still the metaphor.) So it's very close, and perhaps the clock even spares her... except for Aranea, whose luck lets close calls break in her favor, and nudges that needle one hair to the Just side. Very unlikely that happens if it's not close already though. Jane's situation is basically the same, and so is her verdict. How about Jake? He's the only player who's had two rulings. The first time, he was blustering Ronald Reagan quotes at the top of his lungs when Jane forked him, which I think we may agree safely disqualifies him from heroism (though the Republican party may disagree). The second time was ruled Heroic, when he took a realmaginary ninja sword through the chest for a friend. This corresponds pretty closely with most people's definition of heroic, so I doubt anyone would consider this one controversial either. Dave? Probably not much to debate here either. Fighting while attempting to save a dead friend, to bring her back to Jane for resurrection. There's a moral element here, tied to common ideas of heroism, so there's not much in dispute. When factors stray somewhat from moral notions of heroism, that's when there is more fuel for debate. So what about Rose? Wasn't John killed by Jack under similar circumstances to how Rose died? So why did he survive, and Rose didn't? The circumstances were very similar, on the surface. But I would suggest that the similarity of the two situations, both leading to different outcomes, helps clarify the rules in play, not confuse them. The reason for this? SCIENCE. If you were a scientist in this fictional world, trying to test this fictional construct, these are the exact kinds of situations you would seek out to prove or disprove whatever hypothesis you had. Situations that are very similar, with most factors isolated, and varying only in minor and controlled ways. That's how you would start to understand where the line is between heroic and non-heroic conduct. So what varies between the situations? What line does Rose cross which John doesn't? It becomes pretty obvious if you break the two scenes down. John was standing there, poised for battle with Jack, for all of two seconds before Jack auto-stabbed him from behind. Not even to speak of the underhanded tactic by the villain, I think what's more important is John didn't even get a chance to move. Or specifically, to prove through action that he was prepared to do battle with a foe. In fact, hindsight may tell us he wasn't. He hadn't been through much then. But years later, when he reenacted that scene with Jack through a dream bubble, he was ready that time. He had years to think about that moment, to reflect on the damage caused by Jack, and what he might have done differently if he'd been more prepared, and if the battle wasn't cut short. But during the first encounter, there was no time for heroic intent to translate into action. Compare with Rose's situation. Her feelings are unambiguous. Her mind is made up, and committed to action in the form of forward motion. Sorry Rose, you took a few too many steps through the paint on your drive to the hoop. Gotta blow the whistle! The two similar situations illustrate where one of the lines are for heroism (as a game rule, not moralistically), and in this case, that line is action. It would seem it's not good enough just to have heroic intentions or bold feelings. It doesn't cut it to strike a pose and look cool for two seconds. The intent should be expressed through commitment to an action. The action is what proves the intent. For all we know, John wasn't ready to back up his posture. For all we know, he was terrified! Rose wasn't though. Her action proved it. Why does Rose lashing out in vengeance count as heroic? If you wanted my personal opinion on heroism, I would say a vengeful act is not heroic by itself. We all have our ideas on what heroism means. But I think this is the wrong question to ask. The concern here is less about the moral definition of a heroic act, and more about how heroism is defined in terms of a series of rules which a game system can enforce. Based on some evidence we have, and some things Doc once said about god tier immortality, it's pretty safe to make at least one generalization about heroism as a game construct. The game/story regards your behavior as Heroic if you make some effort to defeat or kill someone who is villainous (or in other words, someone worthy of a Just death). The state of the hero's mind is just an additional consideration, such as whether they happen to be motivated by anger or vengeance. But let's imagine for a moment that a vengeful act is automatically unworthy of heroism, even if directed against a great evil. Wouldn't this be a MAJOR loophole for god tiers to avoid dying heroic deaths? It would mean to qualify as a hero, you couldn't feel anger toward a villain who has almost certainly done something to provoke anger. If a hero ever experienced loss at the hands of a villain, their natural emotional state would exempt them from the heroic consequence of the actions resulting from that anger. They would be completely invulnerable to a villain, so long as they maintained a grudge! The thing with villains is, they tend to have a way of inflicting loss on others. If being wronged precluded heroic behavior, villains would suddenly discover heroes to be incredibly rare commodities. There's a lot to think about here. It's a combination of how you want to morally define heroism and justice, and how to pragmatically construct enforceable rules to that effect. The latter is something that can get very technical, and boil down to hairline actions such as whether one exhibits clear enough forward motion or such, roughly the way sports are officiated. There's no way I'll ever come up with a full list of rules, or even get much deeper into the rules than I have here. But I believe this is a rational outline for the way the subject may be examined, if you wish to do so!!!