#sorry but ppl who mask are still autistic get fucked

[ellipsiseffervescent]

so im doing a research project on teen girl tv characters headcannoned as autistic by their fandoms and im noticing something really annoying. there are basically two type of ppl who disagree with these posts: ppl who respectfully don't see it, but are glad OP can relate to a character, and those who try to frame headcannoning as "harmful arm chair diagnosis" (there is no harm in headcannoning any fictional character you want as they are, in fact, not real, and thus cannot be "arm chair psychologist"ed bc they are, again, not a real person). what i find most concerning about this is how much it seems to echo ppl's reaction to queer headcannonning. complaining that we need to protect the sanctity of heterosexual friendship is ringing the same as needing to let characters just be "awkward" or "quirky". its phony moralism that aims to keep underrepresented ppl underrepresented.

[bra1nw0rmz]

Hello!! A question for you, not in a offensive light at all but I wanna ask why you like pavlevi so much and how come it doesn't make you uncomfortable with the age gap? We don't know pavs age which is fair enough but.. You get my point! I still love em tho. Maybe I'm a bit conflicted

I’m so sorry but you made a fatal mistake of giving me an opportunity to yap about them ( but thank you for being very nice abt the question, it means a lot :3 )

Slight rant under more… tried my hardest to keep it short but I have so much to say abt these fuckass losers 😔

For the reasons why I like Pavlevi so much. It’s because they are my two favourite characters, I need to psychoanalyse them and make them trauma bond or I���ll DIE.

Levi has the solitary soul, he’s been alone for most of his life. What he seriously needs is connection. And I think most of the cast just can’t fundamentally understand him. (I’m not sure if I’m being biased and self projecting here because of my experiences being autistic but yeah 😭) And I genuinely think most of that cast would look at Levi with pity. Almost as if he can’t think for himself. And I think Levi hates it. It’s really a hard feeling to pin down, but it feels weirdly dehumanising?? Like say Karin or smth would mean well but it still feels like you’re being hang up to dry? And I think Levi fucking hates it when everyone is looking at him like that. And the pity ppl have for him comes from a place of being so disconnected from him. Most of them can’t really understand him or what he’s gone through I suppose?? It’s not their faults, it’s just how it is. Society has literally thrown him to wolves. His government striped him of his autonomy, has used him for it’s benefit and now it’s people look at him like this couldn’t have been avoided, that it’s something so sad, to be pitied. Which is also why I love pavlevi bc Pav is the only person that Levi can truely connect with. Someone else who’s gone through the same bullshit, torn apart by the same world. They are both cut from the same stone, just at different stages and coping in different ways which I think is interesting. And it’s so sad because why the hell does it have to be some Bremen fuck that actually treats him like a person and not just something to pity.

As for Pav’s side of the coin. I just really like to torture him. Due to what he’s gone through and seen, being in the army around the same age as Levi, if not younger. I feel like he’d see Levi as being fit to make his own damn decisions. It’s none of Pav’s business, Levi can do whatever and he honestly does not give a shit. But as they get closer I feel like I think Levi brings out all the guilt and shame Pav bottled up and pushed far down in his psyche. Like… he’s had to kill so many just like Levi, all to even get a chance at killing Kaiser. All of it being a glorified elaborate destructive suicide mission. And he’s very fucked up about it. Dread sets in for Pav because??? He’s a terrible person??? He’s had to wear this mask for so long, he doesn’t even know who he really is. Levi is just troubled and has been put in one unfair situation after another. Pav couldn’t move forward and purposely put himself in those situations and did those fucked up things. I also think it’s interesting to think of them as like an intimacy of convenience. Bc they both know they have no future and might die at any second, but it’s better to hold someone’s hand than be alone when you die.

Other tidbits!!

They are fucking funny, like c’mon getting bossed around by the enemy, and a LIEUTENANT on top of that, is fucking hilarious

I feel like you got this from the rant b4 but the Angst potential is crazyyyyy

Pav teasing Levi and making him all flustered, HELLOO??? I love blushy levi

Pav traversing caring for someone else that isn’t himself bc he’s fundamentally a self serving person gggghhh

IFUCKING LOVE DOOMED RELATIONSHIPS RAHHHHHHHHHHH

The way their heavily different personalities clash would be fun

Having someone there who's gone through what you've suffered through is so comforting. you're not alone anymore….. IM SICK IN THE HEAD

I think Levi should be allowed to kiss boys as a treat

I also think he should be allowed to shoot Pav in the head as a treat

As for the age gap.. I don’t like it at all ofc. 😭😭 It’s definitely not ideal. And I can 100% understand how that can be a deal breaker….. but I also feel like people baby Levi too much? He has 1 breakdown because he just got back from war, is going through heroin withdrawals, everyone in his home town has been turned into violent monsters, he’s hearing voices and someone just tried to kill him and he gets labeled a wimp. You put a guy in the worst situation ever and he cries ONCE and ppl call him a crybaby and infantilise him 💀 He’s stronger than people give him credit for… but that’s more of a problem with fandom than anything.

Also like… I tried….. I really tried to not like pavlevi….. But I’m way too fucking autistic abt them. It’s so bad that when I see them I get an adrenaline rush and do laps around my kitchen. I’m so serious. These guys are like pseudo drugs to me, I need to chop my head off.

And ofc I wouldn’t support 18 and 30 smth irl, that’s fucking gross……… And I would say the same for a stalker and her victim.. because look, I love S4marina, but it’s basically in the same boat as Pavlevi to me..

This being a fandom that should primarily be adults, I feel like ppl should understand that. Yk, having better common sense and media literacy to understand this stuff ain’t okay irl. I still realise it’s not everyone’s thing and I’m not trying to convince ppl to like it, just explain why I like it (NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THEM LIKE I DO, I NEED TO DIE)…. Anyway uuhm I understand it makes some ppl uncomfy, which is valid! Just don’t go into spaces where you’ll be exposed to it ig??? If you seriously don’t like it, the block button/blocking tags is right there. I do that too !!

[kakusboyfriend]

O-kay whatever I'm gonna do mini lore dumps for some of my DC guys bc I'm bored. Read or readn't but I need to get the thoughts out somehow

• I don't believe Citrus and Red were married until *After* the Rise of the Tornado Tyrant episode, where Citrus' redemption arc truly begins after saving Roy (tornado champion/tyrant whatever I think the names r stupid) from himself. However that is also the catalyst for a huge strain in their relationship that lasts a bit offscreen because That was your Child and he Loved you. Both Red and Citrus really need a time out after that whole mess. Oh also Citrus really fucking hates Bruce after it and threatens to kill him if he ever gets close to his family again and that's my excuse for Red's abrupt disappearance (aside from him retiring as a hero) LOL. You'd have to watch the EP to really get it but yeah it changes a whole lot of things for my little weird family.

• Cupid is a weird little guy because I'm still working out how I want the Star Sapphires to work, since I'm very aromantic and the thought of Romantic Love as a constant in the human psyche makes me violent. I think the ring feeds off of positive feelings of comfort and (any kind of) love to give the user strength so it's encouraged that whoever's relationship youre mending, you should get close to that person to help them out even more. Both Indigos and Sapphires r rehab groups basically but one is made of Patients and the other is made of Therapists. If that makes any sense? They're twinsies because love and compassion are very similar + they're very close in the spectrum anyways. All of this to say, Cupid and Rudy work best bc they feed off of each other but they're normal about it. This is a very new thing I'm trying to integrate into their story bc i came up with it, like, Yesterday.

• Bruno is the most skittish weird guy you'll ever meet and his whole thing is about how sometimes there isn't an out for ppl that don't look like they're supposed to, even if they're not inherently evil. Like, he can't Mask who he is and he's not going to live in the shadows about it. If his existence is seen as a twisted state of being, living unapologetically as himself will be looked down upon one way or another - so he'd rather be with people everyone else fucking hates. He's the most autistic bitch I've ever written bc of how he was raised and is perceived + chooses to act (I don't mask anymore now that I'm in my 20s and it's a joy + being queer in a world that thinks you're depraved bc of it). He's not a villain by Choice by any means, but he has more fun hanging out with outcasts than with "good guys". He's a petty thief, not a monster, but god if he isn't going to put his whole pussy into being a weird bitch.

• oh Voltera... Darling, I'm so sorry. This guy was orphaned from a young age and his parents were Not from earth and didn't know anyone there by the time they died + their families had fully ostracized them back home. In truth Alesan weasels take the "it takes a village to raise a child" thing to heart, so a kit being left alone is heartbreaking. Plus, it means Voltera is barely aware of why he does certain things that weren't explained to him growing up, and it made him very immature and weird. He was generally considered "too much to handle" in any foster home he was sent to (because literally no one knew how to raise him. It's literally like getting an energetic pet you're not ready for - there's Going to be biting, and you're Going to be frustrated) and eventually just becomes a street urchin trying desperately to fit in with anyone his age. Mekt is semi sorta in the same position by being a weird loser no one really likes, so they make good friends from the start bc of it. I'm so normal about them.

• Alborean. God I haven't really touched on him here but he's the most Sure of himself out of any of my losers. There isn't even anything tragic going on with him, he just does what he does because he Wants to do it. He's the bastard son of the former Doppelganger emperor/whatever so he has immense potential for being an edgy loser (Citrus killed him off or something, but he's dethroned by the time Alborean comes to earth one way or another. Plus he was an illegitimate child and his dad didn't want shit to do with him, it would be So easy for me to write him as desperate and brooding) but he's incredibly self sufficient instead. He's the only guy I'll bring into Batman Beyond I think, and he's Essential to saving Victor from death because oh my god that sucked so bad.

• Winona

Kidding, but Winona is the same species as my other sona, Kit Karyotype (Marvel S/I) and closely related to Eudicot Sangria's (Futurama S/I) species. The major difference is that Anguipera Venenata have relatively normal eating habits and actively hunt for prey with venom or brute strength while Anguipera Amedo eat a huge meal once every month or so and are far less aggressive. Still working on how Winona gets with Scott and Barda but I'll get there one day.

• I wrote a huge thing for orchard but accidentally deleted it and I'm too tired to do it all over again. Sorry! That one was the biggest and had the most thought put into it. One day I'll come back I'm just so fucking mad rn

[tiredsilverfox]

This is just a long post of me venting/ranting since it should be save to do now that i got rid of those 2

Do not get mad if u choose to read this urself, if u read this only to get angry do not take it out on ne

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Links to other stuff I related to=

i feel like if i ask for help again ill just...

Screenshot that is kinda relatable

you know what its fucking hard trying to get help

Broken mask comic thing

Raccoon meme

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sorry about this vent but I need to get things out of my mind

Does anyone ever regret even trying to get medical help bc what if ur just an attention seeker?

Like somedays i want to completely disappear where no one knows me & completely get off the internet so i cant be attention seeker or even be 💀 bc i wouldn't be able to be an attention seeker (or would ppl still see me as that? Would they think that i did to get attention?)

i honestly think about cancelling my appointments completely...

i know making this post makes me attention seeker but i just needed to vent

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But at the same time...

If u seek me out after i blocked ur accounts just to call me names u being a drama llama isn't my fault

If u urself read my vent post & then get mad that isn't my fault

I have the exact same right to vent in the internet just as anyone else who vents in the internet

I should be allowed to reach out for help without feeling horrible about it

But at the same time i cant help but blame myself for everything

All this anxiety & stress with depression is making me numb. My physical health makes life harder. I dont have the energy to react so i just close myself & go numb. I just lie in my bed all day tired questioning my worth

Im never claim to be a good person bc of what i did in 2020(about), hell maybe i do deserve all of this. Maybe this is what karma is? But those ppl are no better than me, did the same exact shit that i did

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The quilt of not being like others

I grew up around ppl who like gaming, old stuff, series, movies, going outside, social/got along with ppl, loves christmas & Likes vehicles I have been listening ppl liking movies, series, eating sweets, who celebrate holidays, ppl who play games & know who they are & love music

Im nothing like that & it makes me feel so wrong I do not like sweets or gaming, i'm not the biggest fan of holidays. I prefer to be alone inside, I have mixed feelings about music. Not overly interested in vehicles & I have been questioning my identy since 2019

The quilt of being different & the self hate

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Why are ppl like this?

Like I can eat some sweets little bit but not all (cant eat cake, muffins, specific type of candys, chocolate & so on) but the biggest reason is that I just dont like it or the texture (yes, my stomach starts hurting easily when I eat stuff like this but its not even bad, its just more uncomfortable than full on painful) I just do not like Sweets/sugary stuff but its like ppl cant just take the no but now that i exaggerate it suddenly ppl just take the no?

Why do ppl always react like this when u say no to something like this?

Not even gonna start about how some ppl react when i say i cant eat something, like im soooo sorry for having health issues, sensory issues, having different likes/dislikes than u, for being a Picky eater like im soooo sorry /j /neg

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Im tired & idk what to do

Im way too (insert word here) to leave the house & get to school in time. I am autistic with, anxiety & chronical pain & idk what to do. Its all too much but asking for help isn't easy either but i am an adult, this is what everyone expect me to be able to do & when I cant do it, it feels like everyone is mad so its hard to even admit it out loud how much school I have already missed. I honestly dont know what to do

The concept of leaving the house in pain, traveling trough the sensory nightmare in pain trying to get there in time, spends all the time there & them make my way back home in pain & over whelmed/simulated its just too much for me & so i dont even wanna leave the house but i need to bc thats what im expect to be doing

I am trying to get medical help but that hasnt really been working out that well. Maybe i do need to drop out but i need to stay in school for medical help.... idk what to do

Having to ask for accommodatioms(?) In school Is terrifying bc then i would have to admit the situation & feel like im letting everyone down but what else i can do?

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Me= hey heres me boundaries

Specifically my parents= not gonna listen, respect or remember that got it!

—▪︎—

Parents= u want tv?

Me more than once= no

Parents= still gives me tv bc listening & taking me seriously is apparently too much

Me= gives it back not long after that christmas knowing they will probably never actually listen me

—▪︎—

Me last year=I do not want gifts, thats my boundary. Bc of my childhood i feel uncomfortable with gifts so these gifts for my 19 bday should remain the last from my family, gonna let my relatives know later on if they send anything (they did so I told them)

Christmas 2023= family= heres gifts even after u said no

Grandma oct 2024 but got it today= I know u dont want gifts but I still decided to send u this hopefully u dont offended

—▪︎—

Me now= i mean it would be nice if my boundaries were respect but ok i quess u do u

The problem is thay if u let them push the small boundaries after everything its still too much

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[hazystars]

dude adhd autism solidarity! Whenever I need my ear defenders or to stim or just yknow…. Show any signs I’m autistic other than just being uwu quirky I get SO many stares from other people who claim to be neurodivergent based solely on a few tiktoks they saw. They instantly get so uncomfortable when confronted with neurodivergance in anyway that isn’t instantly palatable and I’m so sick of people looking at me like a freak whilst still claiming to be part of our community. And I’m pretty good at masking there are people on my course who are treated WAY worse and their autistic traits are openly discussed as ‘creepy’ or ‘off putting’ and fuck I feel so bad for them.

no this is honestly so real. once ppl r met with neurodivergence that isn't cute or charming they flip so fucking fast & it truly shows how fuckin performative and fake bitches really be. i'm so sorry that you have struggled with this tho & i'm sending u love and good vibes. u rock

[normal-thoughts-official]

Okay hi can i just pls throw out this idea i have in my head because i have literally zero friends to talk about malec with and i love your blog fhksghs but anyway i have this headcanon that alec is autistic because like, he's kind of stiff in his movements and he's straight to the point matter of fact but he's so very very empathetic and he feels so much and maybe he's been masking his entire life because his way of being is "Wrong" (and on top of that he gay) and people beside his siblings (1)

don't really get him and honestly the fact that he doesn't always find the words to express himself especially when he's scared and upset makes sense and maybe with the masking thing the only way of stimming he's ever allowed himself is that jerky lil hand shake thing he does or the pinching of the skin between his fingers. also!! im thinking that's why he's so good at archery and not AS good at hand to hand combat because archery doesn't take as much coordination and he noticed it was easy for him so he kind of hyperfixated on it as a kid and it never really left and it makes sense with the self harm thing. it's so common for autistic kids to take out their frustrations and sadness on themselves and if alec doesn't allow himself to stim that jittery energy might just turn into frustration and anger he doesn't understand or know what to do with so causing pain to get it out becomes the only way he knows how to cope. anyway THE POINT i'm trying to make is i've kind of adopted the headcanon that magnus has adhd as well so he kind of complements alec where he struggles and the other way around and as they get to know each other they kind of start finding new ways of coping together and allowing themselves to be exactly as they are with each other. alec finds ways to stop masking and starts to come to terms with who he is and what he's like because he's never really identified with anything but his masked persona and magnus finally has someone who understands him

also i get that like... this headcanon is not new at all. i just haven't seen it being discussed a lot just like magnus having adhd is something i came across like two days ago so idk how big that headcanon is but yeah snglbghk sorry for taking up so much space i guess im a lil fixated hehe thank you for your time

okay, first of all i just want to say that i’m thrilled that you wanted to share this with me, specifically, especially since this is clearly meaningful and important to you. and don’t apologize, i love getting ranty asks tbh, they are the best dajsaijdadja 

for the hc! i totally agree with you on autistic alec, that’s not an uncommon hc because yeah he does have like... a lot of autistic traits lmao (altho there’s a lot of hm. gross ableist content involving this. but anyway) like i’ve been talking recently on here about alec’s honesty and his complete unwillingness and even unability to understand like, mind games and flirting and such and how that draws magnus in, and i definitely think that is directly connected to his autism. like the whole throwing hints and innuendos and flirting ;) ;) just doesn’t fucking make sense to him and he’s very in contact with his feelings and why would he not? be direct about them? you know? and magnus has had to basically teach himself to be able to do that (because well autism and adhd overlap and he’s probably had to struggle a lot to pick on social cues too, and learn these little tricks. this also probably has to do with the personality that he chose for himself, like, that whole over exaggerated over the top kind of careless thing, because then he can pass off his rambley tendencies and other ADHD traits as just... him being careless, i guess. so he lays it particularly thick so that the parts that are actually there - his tendencies to ramble and hyperfocus, lack of attention, sometimes unawareness of social cues - end up less visible under the veil of his exaggerated persona) and it’s so damn good. and important. to not have to. to be basically forced not to. because alec doesn’t engage in those. he’s completely honest. and he offers magnus a space where he can be, too

and i just duahdsiuahda love autistic/adhd solidarity malec (and also autistic/adhd solidarity mag&raph but that’s another topic. lêx shut the fuck up about raphael challenge. actually send me asks about autistic raphael pls yall). especially because like i said. magnus has had a lot of time to learn how to mask his ADHD traits! but it’s exhausting, and god it feels so good and he’s so fucking happy that he gets to stim, and ramble, and just be himself with alec

even if it definitely takes him a while. i think longer than it takes alec. because alec 1- is not as good as magnus at hiding it, and 2- sees no reason to hide them from magnus, because once he trusts, he trusts, and he’s all in. i think what would take alec the longest would be to stim - because he’s so used to suppressing those it’s almost second nature - but stimming is exactly the one thing that magnus still kind of allows himself. especially with magic, you see the way he’s always conjuring up little balls, doing sparks with his hands, rubbing his fingers together, etc etc etc. and alec picks up on that, the ways that he stims subtly and without hurting himself and maybe starts doing it too. we even get to see him rubbing his fingers in a similar way that magnus does sometimes, after they meet, and i think that might be the beginning of that process

so that definitely applies to what you said about them helping each other out with their greatest difficulties! like magnus is most uncomfortable letting go of hiding his traits, and alec is most uncomfortable with stimming, and they slowly- well, not coax each other into it, but walk that path together, especially as they also walk their career paths and earn more respect and space, and their relationship path and learn to be more open and earnest with each other and work together. you know? magnus sees that alec keeps picking at his own skin and hands, and he’s like... all lovingly healing him, and telling him that he should stop hurting himself, and alec tells him that it’s just. that he feels like the world is so sharp, sometimes, and he just has all that energy, and he doesn’t know how to let it out, and it’s too much, but he doesn’t know what to do with it, so he just. picks at his skin. and magnus looks up at him, brows a little furrowed, a little in shock and also. a good kind of surprise because he understands? and he’s happy that someone else understands? and that he can help with this?

and so magnus is like “i feel like that a lot, too. having magic helps, but well, there are other things i do” and then he tells alec about how he rubs his fingers together instead of picking at the skin and how he taps them and does the little wrist shaking thing and how that helps. and alec starts to figure out other ways to stim that work for him and don’t hurt him. magnus also tells him about jewelry and how that helps, having stuff to fidget with/focus on, and well alec is not big on jewelry but maybe he starts wearing a chain under his shirt, and there’s always the wedding band :) which we already see him fiddling with a lot in canon anyway so i definitely think it serves the same purpose for him as magnus’ jewelry do magnus. plus, it’s grounding and reminds him of them, which is also a bonus

and then there’s also everything we see in canon, about alec just. wanting magnus to be exactly himself and telling him that? seeing the way magnus is tapping his foot and then stops when he approaches, and he’s like “you can keep going,” or the way that he sometimes approaches magnus and is all like “i can tell you’re thinking too hard about this conversation. i don’t want you to say anything but what you feel. it’s okay” and magnus slowly relaxes and allows himself. or when he catches himself mid rant about his hyperfixation and he feels ashamed but he turns to alec, about to apologize because he just started talking way too much and way too fast about fucking wormholes and astrophysics again and alec is probably bored- but he turns and alec is staring at him with his usual, open adoration that always takes his breath away, and alec is like “no, i love hearing you talk” because even if he doesn’t understand what magnus is talking about, he loves how excited he is and to see him happy. plus his voice is so nice and pretty and just hmmm very good for the senses you know, like it’s just nice to focus on. so magnus does that little half smile of his, super pleased, and keeps talking, except this time gesticulating even more wildly and like flapping and going into detail without holding back, and he’s just so happy, and alec is so happy, and so in love with him duaudsaa

also them being sensorial heaven for each other :) alec wanting to hold magnus after he’s had A Day, and he just wraps himself around him and buries his face on his neck and feels his presence there, you know, focuses on him and his touch and hair and nice clothes (magnus picks clothes pretty much based on texture because he can’t stand some, and others, like silk, are just perfect so he has a bunch of those, and alec likes the same textures too so that’s great) and stops focusing on other noises and light and other things that might be giving him a bit of overload, you know? but also he doesn’t feel like, trapped, so it’s great. while magnus is enveloped in his arms and having all that stimuli from alec touching him and again he can laser focus on that and feel like his brain calms down a little. and it’s perfect for them both. sensory healing cuddles. perfect

and when either of them feels like having their space or not touching because Too Much, that’s okay too, because they both 1- understand, and 2- are mindful of each other’s space always. magnus especially, we see how he’s very careful with getting into other ppl’s and particularly alec’s space, and alec appreciates it because he never feels invaded. but he also learns when magnus needs space, be it alone or just a broad space to Flap Around in, and he always gives him that when he needs it, and magnus is so grateful for that. and it’s just duaihdsiahdasidaihahdah god i fucking love adhd/autistic solidarity malec thank u for coming to my ted talk

[fukozawa]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2019!!

(I’m a bit behind oops lol)

Day 1 - introduce yourself

👁 My name is Katherina but most people besides family call me Kat. Im 22 years old, a cis lesbian, mixed race, autistic, brujita (lil witch) born in San Diego CA but grew up between there and Tijuana, Mexico where my moms side of the family lives (the side that matters). Im also very short at 5 ft tall and have green hair! Currently living in Seattle WA, have lived here 3 or 4 years with my best friend who i met online. Have grown SO MUCH while living in seattle it’s unbelievable to think I’m only 22 and still have so much learning and experiencing to do. Recently landed an amazing job at the zoo as a facepainter!! I’m also a portrait artist and you can follow my art on instagram @ plaidalien !

👁 Growing up ive always been fairly odd. My mom loooves telling stories about me as a kid and how i would always freak her out with how much i knew/was capable of. I think she always expected me to be different from other kids because of how traumatic my birth was (my heart stopped beating for a minute when i was born but the dr was able to revive me, and i spent a week in the ICU with a bunch of tubes in my head). She says i would freak my white family out and they thought i couldnt talk because i legit never spoke around them but my mom understood i was perfectly capable of speaking and told them straight up that its not that i couldnt talk, its just i didn’t want to talk to them. She always understood me like no one else and was the best autism mom i couldve asked for. Shes always been my biggest advocate and would push her own comfort zones if it meant i was comfortable and happy and not having meltdowns lol.

👁 I’m self diagnosed but i plan to seek out a prof dx whenever I’m more financially stable and get past the anxiety that is trying to figure out how to get that done in general. I don’t think ill ever feel comfortable telling ppl I’m autistic without a prof dx since I’m “high functioning” and am extremely talented at masking my autistic traits to the point where a lot of it is unconscious (tho I’m teaching myself to not mask as much cuz i want to be able to be who i am and not give a single fuck if people think im weird)

👁 I consider myself an old soul for sure. Just yesterday my mom called me just to genuinely thank me for how much ive taught her and how much ive helped her become a better person, it honestly made me cry a little lol. Ive always been that person that shakes peoples mental paradigms if they come into my life, i love to get people out of their comfort zones. And by comfort zone i mean a mental one, one where youre used to believing and seeing the world in a certain perspective, well my passion lies in expanding the ways in which one perceives this reality into knowing how truly limitless and powerful we are as humans.

👁 I realized i was a lesbian and autistic around the same time as each other about 2 years ago and that was a MAJOR identity adjustment which I’m just barely starting to fully embrace them. Having to deal with internalized lesbophobia as well as internalized ableism at the same time is not fun. But the comfort of finally knowing what the fuck is up with my brain and my sexual orientation and seeing how those two important aspects have always been there and can explain why i am the way i am, feels really good. Feels amazing to know I’m not alone in my experiences either and theres a community i can be a part of who will accept me for my differences.

👁 Sorry this is super long but i never know whats a good cut off point when it comes to introducing myself. I guess thats also why i waited this long to make the day 1 post lol. How do people just limit themselves to only writing a few sentences about themselves is beyond me i think thats just physically impossible for me to accomplish. Wait till i try to write my own artist statement thats gonna be a true challenge. If you got this far thanks for reading!!

[troglobite]

no better time than 6 fucking am to just be hit with how utterly, crushingly lonely you are

how even friends that you love are moving on w their lives without you

you’re not a priority, and you can’t make them one bc they have other more important things

how even ppl you thought were safe to be around can say something so casually hurtful that’s not even about you but it hurts. and you don’t realize until it’s 5:30 and you’re trying to sleep. 

amazing that having met w 2 friends today and meeting w a different one in 5 hrs, i feel so utterly, pathetically alone. 

i feel like i’m cutting tiny portions of myself off to hand to other ppl to make friendships and keep communication open sometimes

but i just

i stayed up too late reading. i was gonna go to sleep 3 hrs ago. and instead i stayed up late reading.

and it was probably a mistake. i really enjoyed it but it just hurt. bc it was this beautiful prose abt ppl who had built lives for themselves by age 30. who had friends who could see all these pieces of them without it needing to be said. who could understand each other. who still did say things, but didn’t always need to say the small things. who felt safe in disagreements and discomfort. 

who weren’t alone. 

and i loved it and it hurt my stomach all the way down to my pelvis the way some emotions hit me. and i’m just sad. 

i don’t feel like anyone actually knows or understands me. i do my best to do that w or for others. 

and part of the problem is that i simply don’t trust anyone enough to be myself and part of that is that i’m tired of handing myself to someone only for them to go “oh. no thanks.”

i’m tired of being alone. i’m tired of being lonely. i’m tired of only mattering in pieces. i’m tired of not having energy for people, and them never having the time or energy for me. 

i’m tired of having to be someone else around/with everyone i talk to. and “everyone” sure is doing a lot of heavy lifting that isn’t accurate.

the number of ppl i talk to w any frequency right now: 7

it’s usually more like 4 or 5. i’ve had an unprecedented uptick in communication from a few people. 

the number of ppl that i feel like i can be 1000000% of myself around, whether or not it has anything to do with them: 1

and i don’t know if it’s reciprocal. 

i didn’t budget or plan for or anticipate a complete fucking meltdown at 6 am, sorry

oh i guess i could count my therapist for a whopping 8, bc i talk to her once a week. and then 2 bc the whole point is to be myself in therapy. 

my life is nothing that i wanted right now

i’m almost 30 and i barely have friends. i don’t have a life. i have no marketable skills. i’m on medicaid bc i can’t find a job, and even if i did, it would pay me nowhere near even half a livable wage. 

i’m so tired and miserable and i just can’t take any of this anymore. 

trying just HURTS because NO ONE i know is in the same situation as me. and that sounds so egotistical and pathetic. 

but i just mean

idfk what i mean

no one gets it and i guess it’s unfair and stupid to want someone to get it about everything

maybe it’s me

maybe i’m broken and fucked up

i wish i could kill my past

every day without even trying i just don’t think abt who i used to me, i’m just living in the now and recent past and thinking abt that

and i just wish past me didn’t exist and i didn’t have to carry them around w me all the fucking time

idek how to articulate what’s WRONG right now i just HURT i hurt so much i feel sick and i can’t stop crying

i guess i’ll just take an anti-anxiety thing and shove it back down to get a whopping 4 hours of sleep before i have to pretend to be fine again in front of someone i’ve “known” for 16 years who’s going out without masks, whose whole current drama and life struggle is about this woman she loves and who loves her

every time i just have to try and accept that people have been awful to be bc i’m short and fat and mexican and queer and trans and autistic

i just see other ppl who share these traits who don’t share the bullshit i went through or am going through

or who are in loving relationships

or have so many friends

or who are so successful

and i just want to die

what is WRONG with me? why is it like this for me, why am i like this?

i just want to know what’s so fucking unlovable about me bc i wasn’t 

i wasn’t always this pathetic in this way

but my stupid fucking life is just and has just not been that fucking awful

why am i so weak?

and i can’t just SAY this to people. to the people who are my friends. that i’m supposed to trust. 

you can’t just DUMP taht on someone.

which is why i just bullshit it into the void on here for ppl to choose whether they read or engage or not.

i know it’m annoying and pathetic. i put it under read mores. you know what this is, you can (and should) scroll right past without reading. i know most ppl do. and good. i’m not trying to manipulate or guilt anyone into this. 

i need to be out of my own head with this stuff like i’m explaining it to someone else bc if it’s a journal or a diary i get sick of my own bullshit too fast and i know what i’m going to say before i type it so it’s pointless

i’m just sorry

i feel like i have to justify everything

i don’t want to hurt anyone--at least not due to negligence. accident, it happens. 

i have so many plushies now. and my new one that i can’t let go of. it just feels so sad and pathetic. holding them all the time. 

i’m 27, almost 28, i’ve never dated, i’ve never been myself in any friendship. idk who myself is bc i’m so twisted around and busted. and i’m so afraid. constantly. and i feel. insane. with fear and with seeing so many people i cared abt just. not. care. about any of this anymore.

and there’s nothing i can do to fix it. 

i wish i had gone to sleep 3 hours ago like i had planned to. i’ve been tired this whole time. my eyes burning. 

all i know abt myself is that i can never shut up or leave well enough alone. idk what close relationships look like. idk how to be a person. i can’t do this. i can’t carry this. i’m so tired of burying how i feel and biting my tongue or choosing anger bc it hurts less and fades quicker. i’m tired of losing track of time and days. i’m tired of being a disappointment. i’m tired of being disappointed. 

i should take a fucking anti anxiety thing and go to sleep and stop. bothering everyone. i’m going to be a mess when i have to talk to my friend in a few hours on like no sleep and puffy eyes and i’m going to have to help her manage her traumas and feelings and other sundry bullshit (not derogatory) so that she stops getting herself hurt bc if i’m being given the power to help then i have to take it. if i don’t then i’m letting her get hurt. i will have done nothing. 

i’ve already spent weeks and hours and thousands of words via IG DMs. she couldn’t be there for me when i needed her. she doesn’t pay attn to where i am in my life. she’s trying to figure out who i am but doesn’t listen to me when i try to tell her. 

she acts like i’m always putting myself down.

i’m not. i don’t. i try not to.

i’m just stating facts about who i am and what my life is. 

and if that feels like i’m insulting myself then you’re just making me feel even worse bc my life is apparently so pathetic it sounds like an insult.

no, i’m not qualified for that job you sent. i’m flattered you thought of me and i appreciate it, but i’m not qualified.

no, i’m not selling myself short. i know ppl in the industry and i know it takes more than what i have. it would take years to be anywhere near capable of being ready for that position--and it’s not even in an area that i would want to pursue. 

but pushing back and pushing back against that as if i’m insulting myself

and i just keep

“by then i’ll be hotter than the cheerleaders [because i’ll be thinner]” and “you’re not fat!” and her fucking ex-girlfriend making fun of fat americans while my mom and i fed her pizza that we paid for. her paranoia about fitness and thinness and how she sucks her stomach in in all of her pictures. 

all of the ways i am made to feel shame for who i am right now. it’s alien to them, to everyone. 

i don’t have. a social life. i barely have friends. and the ones i have just. say things. 

and i feel ungrateful, or cruel, or judgmental, like i’m holding people to impossible standards that they can never meet.

and maybe i am. bc why would i ever trust anyone. 

i don’t want to deal w my stupid fucking inner child, the pathetic kid who was weak and clueless and who no one actually liked. 

i was just amusing. or they could cheat off of me. or i was convenient. 

or i did things for them, emotionally. i supported them. we had jokes and fun.

but it was never anything more--not for me. not towards me. 

i’m so good at not needing anything and no one ever seems to complain.

and then when they do and i take them up on it and try to change my behavior it just doesn’t go well.

i’m perpetually too much. 

just look at all this fucking bullshit i’ve typed out after telling myself to just take a pill and go to sleep. TWICE. 

i don’t like knowing what loneliness feels like. it’s so crushing and all-consuming. i’ve already been here before. i never wanted to be here again, but somehow worse. 

bc i’ve worked so hard. to get better. to build things up. to have a life. and i failed. just like i fail at most things.

imagine changing your expectations and goals in life so many times, continuously making them less and less ambitious, and still managing to fail and fall short. imagine. well, i’ve done it. i’ve managed it. and i hate it. 

“everyone’s afraid of rejection, but you just have to push through”

i’ve known almost nothing except rejection for all of my 27, almost 28, years of living. i’m tired. i had gotten over it, i thought i was stronger and could move on bc it wasn’t always rejections. 

then grad school happened and the pandemic happened and it just became rejections all over again, implicit and explicit. 

when will anyone else take responsibility for everything so it’s not my fucking job to have to deal w everything myself, entirely alone?

and all of this bullshit. isn’t. enough. i cannot. go to other people w this. why would i? why sympathy would they have for any of this? pathetic. weak. i’m so tired.