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ecotone99 · 5 years

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[SP] The Numerous Deaths of John Duar

As he sprints down the road John tries to recall who he is supposed to be today. The memory flashes in his mind and he remembers he is Carl Antonius, a 32 year-old business man on his way to work. The streets of Paris are crowded on this chilly January morning which makes it hard for John to dart in and out of the crowds. His lungs burn and in his rush he almost doesn’t notice the bus barreling toward him when he begins to step out into the street. John instinctively jumps back onto the sidewalk, safely out of the bus's path. Was that it? John wonders nervously. But no, he had not missed his moment just yet. Then he hears the familiar singsong whistle of a young lady he knows very well.

As the crowd clears away and crosses the street John remains stationary and so does one other person. Standing there with her signature smile on her face was Aileana—a lively young woman with brown hair and a set of encapsulating, soft green eyes.

“You’re gonna get me killed Aileana,” John scolds without as much as a glance.

Aileana’s smile doesn’t waiver as she steps toward John. “Then why are you standing here waiting on me?”

“I’m not waiting on you I’m just not supposed to move yet.”

“Then I’m not messing anything up.”

“If we talk too much it could get risky.” John turns toward Aileana. “This one is going to be short, I can tell, and I can’t afford to miss out on it.”

John steps off the sidewalk to walk away and Aileana watches him skeptically before deciding to follow close behind. “So who are you today?”

John’s eyes are locked forward and his speech is curt, almost rehearsed. “I am Carl Antonius, a 32 year-old business man on his way to work.”

“Have you been practicing that?” Aileana asks teasingly.

John’s mouth purses tightly. “Maybe,” he mumbles through barely opened lips.

Aileana lets out a laugh and John can’t help but smile at her teasing.

“You need to lighten up some,” Aileana says.

“I want to but it’s hard when the timing is so precise. I hate these sort of runs.”

“Do you know what it is today?”

“No. I just hope it isn’t another car wreck. I’m tired of those.”

“Well as long as you don’t walk into the street again or hop in a taxi I think you’re going to be fine, John.”

John turns his head slowly toward Aileana at the sound of his real name. His gaze drives into her as he raises his eyebrows.

“Oops! Sorry! Carl,” Aileana’s cheeks redden with embarrassment.

“It’s fine. Not many people are around right now. Just be—,“ John freezes on the sidewalk as he sees a nearby park. A man in a dark suit sits alone on a bench with a briefcase held close to his hip.

Aileana keeps walking a few steps more before realizing John has stopped. “Is this it?” her tone coated with concern.

“I think so,” John’s eyes are locked on the man in the park.

“Then let’s keep moving. You really should come with me.”

“I can’t, Aileana.”

Aileana steps into John’s eyesight and puts her delicate hands on his smooth cheeks. “You have a choice in this. Who cares about Carl! I’m talking about you; I’m talking about John.”

As Aileana’s jade eyes pour into John he can’t help but wonder how life would change if he were to go with her.

Then he sees a man. The man almost imperceptibly slows down as he goes by John and Aileana. His dark, seedy eyes catch John’s and for the absolute briefest of moments the man’s gaze lingers. And John feels the endless pull inside of him.

‘I am Carl,’ John hears the words in his head more than he says them.

“No,” John says as he pulls away from Aileana and begins to rush across the road to the park.

With his sights fixed on the man on the bench John never notices the open manhole cover. As he begins to fall, he turns and sees Aileana watching but with a sadness more akin to pity than grief.

John’s arm snaps when it hits one of the steps of the ladder within the manhole. Then, his head cracks open on the hard floor when he reaches the bottom. As he lingers on the edge of life he does not fear death. He has died so many times that it has become mundane.

John knows Aileana feels sorry that he has to die so often. She has watched him die hundreds if not thousands of times. Except she’s not really watching John die; she’s watching Carl Antonius or Leighton Vale or Callum Morris die. John Duar doesn’t ever really die.

John feels at ease with most of his days. Aileana has been present in his runs only recently, relatively speaking… though it seems as if she has been an eternal presence all along his journey. The endlessness is where John finds his peace but he does ache for the one person he has connection with in this existence. Aileana has been a true friend all the time he has known her. And she breaks every time John fulfills the path he is on.

John feels strangely drawn to her. Her pleads to deviate from his path are always enticing and John wants to follow her into an eternal comfort but the darkness, the deaths… the endless all call to him with a depth John often fears.

Soon everything clicks as John feels as if he is coming out of a dream. He’s leaving a subway station and heading somewhere. He pauses for a moment to try and remember who he is.

“Hey there,” rings Aileana’s cheerful voice.

“You’re fast today,” John says with veiled joy. He sees Aileana sitting on a ledge near the black stone steps of an enormous glass office building. The building is lit ablaze by the glaring sun and John instinctively lowers his sunglasses off his head of black hair to cover his brown eyes. He looks down and sees his gray vest buttoned tightly around a red plaid shirt. He examines his skinny jeans and recalls his distaste for the hipster look. “Ugh…” he mutters. “Did anything interesting happen after I died in Paris?”

Aileana’s smile waivers slightly as she looks away. “I don’t know. I didn’t pay attention.”

John moves in front of Aileana. “I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry.”

Aileana meets John’s eyes and pats him on the shoulder as she puts on a smile. “You are forgiven Mr….?”

“Oh, I haven’t remembered yet. Give me a second.”

“Duar?”

“Aileana,” he says with an almost playful annoyance.

“Come on. You have never been John with me.”

“I don’t know if I can be John anymore.”

“What if this one is long? Will you try?”

“Aileana...”

“Come on, if it’s really long you have plenty of time to work it out. You did make me watch you die again.”

John sighs and closes his eyes. Straightaway he is rushed with the memories of Leonard Datchet, a 27 year old IT consultant. The path is long and he toys with the idea of trying to be John for a day. His thoughts trail off, thinking of how he would spend his time with Aileana living as himself for once… if that were even possible.

He feels the desperate tug of the endless darkness as he entertains thoughts of deviation. He shakes free from his fantasy and falls back into who he is today.

“I’m Leonard Datchet, Aileana. I can’t change that. It won’t let me.”

Aileana sighs in exasperation, “Then how do you know who I am? You’re John still. You have always been John. Datchet is a shell just like Carl was and whatever it is that you say pulls you into these things doesn’t have you completely.” She puts her hands on his cheeks again, as if she could see the real John underneath Leonard, “The fact that it resists you trying to change but doesn’t impose a compulsive will onto you should tell you that there is a choice. Hell, I’m telling you there is a choice!”

John steps past her, the pain in his eyes hidden behind the glasses. Aileana keeps step with him.

“How do you know, though?” John finally says through a choked voice.

“You know I can’t tell you that,” Aileana murmurs.

John turns toward her, “Then how can I trust you more than it? I don’t even know what you are or even what I am. I know the beyond is where I’ve always felt a pull, a peace, a….”

“Vast loneliness,” Aileana interjects.

John pauses. “Yes.”

“You don’t have to be subject to that, though.”

The endless void snaps at John’s thoughts, almost admonishing him, and pulls him back to Leonard. “I have you in these moments to absolve that.” John corrects his glasses and walks on toward his destination--Leonard’s apartment.

As they continued on, it seemed Aileana had said her piece and was letting John muddle through the current path as he wished. She always understood how hard it was to split away from the path he was on for too long so she remitted her further pleads to a more opportune time.

As John entered the loft apartment he realized Leonard had friends coming over that night for a small get together and it was time to prep for the party.

“Hey, it’s a party tonight. Do you wanna be here? Do you wanna help me get things ready?” John knew the answer before Aileana replied.

“Of course!” Aileana said with genuine enthusiasm. “As long as you let me talk your ear off while we prep.”

“I think that is a fair deal.”

John and Aileana rearrange the living space to accommodate a smallish crowd of Leonard’s friends. They gather food, make some playlists, and enjoy the preparation process.

John realizes how much he enjoys these moments with Aileana and how uninterrupted times like these, though extremely rare, are what his heart truly desires. Leonard snaps him back when his phone buzzes and John has to refocus.

Soon, people start arriving. Aileana was introduced as Leonard’s friend who came on a surprise trip from out of town. Leonard’s friends were very welcoming… and when John left Leonard’s body, Aileana would similarly leave the memories of these people.

John realizes this path is one of the longer ones than he has ever been on. He lets himself sink into the role of host while enjoying the party. He finds himself--or is it Leonard--becoming more and more enamored with Aileana as the night goes on and he continually finds himself by her side.

The flash of a dog darts across his mind. The moment of death grows closer and the weight of the endless beyond presses onto John’s mind.

But John aches for more time. Aileana’s words ring in his head--’...there is a choice.’

If he could choose, he would choose time with Aileana. Her voice, her smile, and her touch foster a fire within him that he has never felt before. In that moment, as his thoughts lingered on moving away from the path and staying with her instead, she appeared in front of him. John blinked, surprised by her sudden appearance. Then he hears the endless scream inside him with argument.

“John…?” Aileana says confused. “What’s going on?”

John sees Aileana blinking in and out in front of him. The rest of the party goers are frozen, eyes black and staring at Aileana and himself.

Then it flashes and everything is normal except Aileana is gone.

John panics. Leonard and the endless pull at him to leave the party. John feels out of control for the first time and hears Leonard’s voice say to one of his friends, “Hey, I’m gonna run down to the store and grab some more beers!”

They shoot him a thumbs up and without truly willing it, John moves as Leonard out the door. He leaves the apartment building and can see a bodega a couple blocks down the road. Leonard is set on going there. John is in a whirl, screaming at himself--or Leonard, the distinction between the two seems to be fading--to look for Aileana.

Then he sees a dog down the road near the bodega. The endless screams in a strange sort of silent desperation. John is falling into Leonard, reaching for control of his mind, fighting against the nothingness that is consuming him.

He screams again as he crosses the street but Leonard doesn’t respond. The dog sits up and lunges at Leonard. John dodges to the left but Leonard moves backward, into the street. John turns around to see Leonard staring at him dumbstruck.

“You’re... John, right?” Leonard says in a confused mumble as if he didn’t know where the knowledge came from. “What’s going--” Leonard is cut off when a bus slams into him, knocking him to the ground and wrapping his body around the tire.

John is frozen and in awe. The endless is no longer consuming but it’s not gone.

Someone grips John’s hand. He turns to see Aileana entwining her fingers into his. Her smile seems to brighten up the evening.

“I told you you had a choice,” she says as she leans her head onto his shoulder.

John can only smile as peace, comfort, and love washes over him with the aching loneliness of the endless beyond fading.

Yet John still felt it all--the beyond, the deaths, the eternity. Somehow John’s mind has been opened as if he had been half asleep all up to this point. It was then he was washed over with a strangely comforting realization--I am The Endless.

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