#sorry I have so many thoughts and a slightly above average WPM

[hillerska-official]

Wille and Apologizing

Hello and welcome to: Lia returns to her roots of deeply overanalyzing things from media, now with a live tumblr audience! This is gonna be long and I apologize for that (haha, ironic).

So the other day I posted that over the course of 6 episodes, Wille apologizes a total of 13 times. Not my most popular post by a longshot, but people did have lots to say, and it got me thinking. So first of all: I probably should have specified then that I meant ‘apology’ in the most basic sense, like, he says the words “I’m sorry” or something similar. The original idea behind tracking it was that I noticed he does the sort of knee-jerk reaction apology to a lot of things and apologizes for things which aren’t his fault (same <3) so I wanted to track all of it. But in looking at all the apologies I’ve started to realize that Wille has a really complicated relationship with apologies and regret so here it is:

Some people on my original post have pointed out that Wille doesn’t always apologize to Simon when he needs to, and I think that's true 100% but its worth noting that he does apologize to Simon several times, both necessary and not: when he asks him to delete his Instagram story, when he tries to explain himself after Simon kissed him the first time (”I’m not- sorry- I’m not...”), when he sits down next to him on the piano bench, when he wakes up after the football field scene (I’ve seen people say he didn’t apologize for this but he does, its just briefer than it probably should have been), immediately upon arriving back in Bjastad after denying the video (again probably briefer than it should have been), and of course during the hug before Christmas.

Some of these apologies are those little knee-jerk ones (at the piano, not being able to explain himself after the kiss) and others are about more real things but not in depth enough. After the football field Wille says “I’m sorry for last night” and Simon immediately says “it’s okay,” which like, no, it wasn’t, but I think for a lot of people “its okay” is somewhat synonymous with “I accept your apology,” just less of a mouthful. Maybe Simon shouldn’t have been so quick to forgive Wille, but just like Sara tells him, “you can’t always give everyone a chance, that’s your biggest problem.” That sort of acceptance of apologies is important contrast to when Simon stands up for himself in episode 6 and doesn’t accept it anymore.

And then there’s the last one, which I have. So many thoughts about. It really feels like an all encompassing “I’m sorry,” sorry for everything Simon has gone through, sorry for not being there when he should have, sorry for not being braver, sorry for screwing things up, and a promise that he is going to do everything he can to fix it. You can see him search for the words after the initial apology and he only comes up with “I love you,” which I think is really fucking powerful. “I'm sorry, I love you” is really setting up Wille’s course for season 2, revolution and fixing his mistakes.

What I think is actually more interesting, and very telling of the misplaced priorities that Wille needs to overcome to be better, are his apologies to his mother and to August in episode 6.

He apologizes to his mother almost as soon as she arrives at Hillerska, literally it’s like 2 minutes into the episode, he says “I’m sorry mama” and OH my heart snaps in two every time. It’s not an apology that was necessary, because Wille had done nothing wrong in that respect, but it is the most overtly emotional, explicit apology thus far, not said casually or brushed over. When he tells his mom he’s sorry you can tell he really fucking means it.

Later in the episode, he apologizes to August, and I think as viewers we’re a bit torn here, cause Fuck August, but Wille is apologizing for having brought up Augusts money issues to the society, which was a dick move and did need to be apologized for. He apologizes really explicitly and says for what. (August owes me an apology after that scene for his weird shirt)

I think it’s really telling that these two are who his most genuine and heartfelt apologies (right up til the end, at least) go to, rather than Simon, because it shows us his subconscious priorities, which he needs to overcome, and actively make Simon a priority instead, for their relationship to work.

What else is interesting is that despite all this, the queen does not accept Wille’s apology, just moves on in the conversation, but Simon has very consistently been accepting of his less explicit apologies - Kristina doesn’t forgive him when she should, and Simon forgives him when he shouldn’t.

Originally, my thought was just that Wille makes all these little unnecessary apologies and that makes me sad for him, because he’s been made to feel like he needs to apologize for so much that is neither his fault or a problem at all, and I do still think that’s true, but I think it’s also more complicated. Wille needs to move past his small and unnecessary apologies, but he also needs to start making proper ones. If Wille is ever going to be happy (and GOD, I want him to be, because I really do think he deserves it) he needs to say sorry less, but he needs to apologize more, and I do think he’s starting himself on that track with his last apology to Simon.