#sorentxt

[auburnflight]

Primarily for the sake of spreading acceptance, and secondarily for the purpose of anyone hateful to block me if they so desire:

It does not matter how you became a system, any more than it matters how you became queer.

Awareness and rights are not a pie. Another "less traumatized" system finding support and solace in the Plural community does not mean more for them and less for you.

You do not have to prove that you're "plural enough" any more that you have to prove that you're "trans enough" or "lesbian enough."

Marginalized as we are, unity, not further divisiveness, is crucial.

Seriously y'all. The queer community already had this "discourse." Not sure why the plural community is so far behind in figuring it out.

[askandanswerbot]

Do you think there will be military action against North Korea?

— The Indian Express (@IndianExpress) Thu Sep 07 12:15:11 +0000 2017

Yes, Ike.

— Soren @ Beach DLC 🐚 (@sorentxt) Thu Sep 07 12:31:34 +0000 2017

[auburnflight]

Just finished Noragami and wow. I love that this series about gods and deities and half-dead people and people coming back to life and whatnot just... climaxes with CPR. It's so mundane. Ironic in the best way.

[auburnflight]

There's a lot of fun contrasts between 9S and 2B, and I think one of my favorites is one that ties into their potential for queer readings that I mentioned earlier.

We are told in no ambiguous terms that 9S's attraction toward 2B is sexual in nature. This isn't exclusive of other kinds of attraction—I think textual evidence can be found for romantic, aesthetic and intellectual attraction, for example. And don't even get me started on the headcanon potential. But the sexual element is specifically pointed out within the text.

But 2B's attraction, to my knowledge, isn't assigned a specific form or nature. Obviously, NieR has so much lore that it's probably super difficult to scour EVERYTHING, especially with that archive website taken down. Also, the nature of it being a multi-ending game makes it a bit hard to get every single bit of info in every single ending. 😓 ANYWAY, from what I've seen, the ways she expresses it leaves it more open to the reader's interpretation: it could be romantic or sexual, but it could also be platonic, familial, sensory, or something else entirely. I think there's a lot of depth to be explored there in terms of how hers doesn't mirror 9S's exact experience, even though there are certainly psychological similarities to how they deal with their attractions.

On a tangentially related note, given that this attraction seems to come up no matter the iteration or form of each model (e.g. NieR:Automata game vs. YoRHa Boys), I could argue a pansexual reading for 9S/No. 9/however else this consciousness exists in whatever parts of the lore I haven't read yet. And there are DEFINITELY many things to be said about "straight-passing" relationships that are nevertheless queer as heck.

I don't have a pretty ending or conclusion for this. This is just where my brain has been going the last day or so.

[auburnflight]

Welp. We just read Memory Cage and then Memory Thorn within a few hours of each other and it was trippy.

I guess if I've had long-standing memory issues and confusion on whether I did something or just thought I did, or whether I'm remembering something that actually happened or that's just a dream, and I get random senses of deja vu for basically that reason, it kind of makes sense that 2B found her way into our system.

Originally I was focusing on the idea of dissociative!9S but honestly I think dissociative!2B would be fun to write too.

[auburnflight]

I wish I knew whether the anime director's argument of "9S wouldn't have sex" was based on psychological blocks, or on 9S being an ~innocent babu~. Because I have an essay either way, but the second one is VERY different

[auburnflight]

I love that my dream brain drew the parallel between these two scenes from Tokyo Ghoul :re and the NieR:Automata anime THE DAY BEFORE I got to this episode.

I was subconsciously thinking "y'know, I feel like 9S's attachment to 2B is kind of like Mutsuki's attachment to Kaneki" and then I went to watch this episode the next day and this happened.

[auburnflight]

Might cave and buy NieR:Automata for the Switch... I'd have a really hard time with the PS4 version for multiple reasons, but having it on a smaller, portable system would solve most of those, AND it would give me something to do on the plane ride to ANE...

[auburnflight]

Hardly a day goes by since I posted my fics a couple weeks ago that I don't get kudos on them. The appreciation is so consistent. Which is... super cool.

But also really frustrating. Because I've been posting my drawings online for 14 years and even on sites without algorithms, it's really hit-or-miss, with most of them landing in "miss." I worked so hard to get better and even got a degree in the field, but getting any appreciation for my drawings feels like a constant battle that's only getting harder, instead of easier like people say it will as your following supposedly grows (mine hasn't).

And then of course I suddenly decide to put a minimal amount of effort into something new, and people love it. Consistently.

I'm at the Tiger Juni Taisen stage of my life where I get more results the less I try, and it's so infuriating.

[auburnflight]

Also does anyone else make detailed artistic decisions in their dreams/while they're asleep? Most of the ideas I've had for recent stuff, and ideas I've had for some stuff I've yet to make, are from when I was unconscious or barely conscious. I've choreographed, drawn and made comics, written fic and even made music in my sleep. And sometimes I'm able to remember when I wake up and replicate it. Not sure if this is something other people experience, or if this is just a special talent I have? 🤣

[auburnflight]

Still extremely emotional about seeing even a VIDEO of ashcolor's "lost and found" being used in Miku Expo. Seeing sore ga anata no shiawase to shite mo here in the US was already a borderline spiritual experience. Full body chills. The other day I went into storage and dug out my old Vocaloid CDs (three of which were Luka) albums, and it felt like finding a part of the self that I was supposed to be, but didn't get to be because so much was missing from my childhood. Then I saw the video and I guess the lyrics went straight into my being. It's not that these missing pieces aren't here, it's just that I haven't found them yet. I'm constantly coming across pieces of my life that were supposed to be there, but hid away for one of many reasons. And Luka isn't at the exact center, but tbh, she's pretty close.

[auburnflight]

Just gonna drop some wisdom here for my fellow Tumblr-goers who healing from abusive relationships and/or learning to set boundaries because they weren't taught when they were younger. If you're healing and you feel like you're suddenly losing a lot of friends, especially close or long-term ones, it's not because you're becoming a bad person.

Abusive relationships and lack of boundaries tend to go hand in hand. If you spent a lot of time in a controlling household or abusive relationship, other people in your life might have spent a lot of energy discouraging you from setting healthy boundaries as a way to maintain control. And if you're not able to learn the skills to have good boundaries and apply them even in otherwise healthy relationships, it can lead to codependency. So, you end up in a situation like mine, where I and my very few close, long-term friends didn't know what a relationship that wasn't codependent looked like. We all grew up together, and were close for decades, and everything seemed normal. It's not that we weren't trying. Just that we weren't taught anything else. Now I'm in my late twenties. I'm not only learning what codependency is; I'm realizing the extent to which it's pervaded my life and the extent to which a lot of my long-standing close relationships have been codependent. Realizing that it's not healthy for me, I've been making efforts to move away from codependency, and reimagine my close relationships in a way that lets me reinforce good boundaries and have my own independent sense of self.

The thing about codependent people is, they don't like when you do that. People in codependent relationships can feel threatened if one member of the relationship 1) forms strong bonds with others outside the relationship that rival the closeness of the codependent relationship, or 2) said member of the relationship tries to move away from the codependent nature of the relationship, even if making an effort to maintain a healthy closeness otherwise.

So, once you start to build relationships that aren't codependent, or if you try to turn your codependent relationships into healthier ones, your closest or most long-term friends, whose bonds you built when all you knew was codependency, might retaliate. They might try to discourage you from finding these new relationships, or might try to reassert their own closeness with you in potentially destructive ways. They might try to blame it all on you. And you might believe it, because if there's this pattern of all your friends leaving you, and you're the common factor, then the problem must be you, right?

The thing is, it's not you.

You're doing the work you need to do. You're on the path to healthier relationships and having the skill to set and maintain good boundaries.

The people trying to keep you entangled in your codependent relationships may not be ready to do so. You may all be at different points of healing. And that's okay. Maybe things will work out at some point later.

But it's not because you're secretly turning evil, or a bad person, or becoming your abuser, or any of those things. You're freeing yourself from the codependency that you've been enmeshed in for years and decades, and although there's a light at the end of the tunnel, the process can be very painful for everyone involved.

Stay kind, humble and self-reflective. And remember that if you grew up with codependency, it's not your fault. It's not your fault that others in your long-term relationships may not be ready to move on from that. Do what you need to do to move on to a healthier, more independent kind of closeness.

I hope that you all who have experienced this can find your way to lasting, healthy relationships that bring everyone involved joy. I hope I can get there eventually myself.

[auburnflight]

Why do the 3 most recent ships I've become invested in all involve one of them killing the other? Like I know I have patterns but come on...

[auburnflight]

I'm sorry to say that the art burnout is probably more or less permanent at this point. I've hardly drawn for months. Even when I want to, I hate what I see. I feel like I have such high hopes in my head, but I don't have the energy to see it through, and I'm never going to get my eyes or hand to work the same way as they did before.

[auburnflight]

Funny how the day after I started logging her dreams, 2B stopped dreaming so consistently. Oh well. The whole system's dreams have been more vivid lately, so they'll probably come back.

[auburnflight]

I have ideas for fic that are SO dark

And maybe it makes me look like a teenager in my super edgy phase. But I grew up having to be the perfect child who is so ~polite~ and ~well-mannered~ and ~mature~ and now I'm realizing how dumb and manufactured it all was. So tbh I think I deserve to have my edgy angst phase now.

I hope that my fic ideas make my mom cringe wherever she is.