#sophomore year they decided to start accepting the fact that I Am in fact Trans and they helped me start hrt

[ealouis]

is tumblr just the place where i vent now? yes. basically i am chicken little and, therefore, a coward

[vanillacoolatta]

Before middle school, I didn’t know that gay people existed.

During school, I identified as bisexual.

After graduating, I’m trying to be comfortable stating that I’m aro-ace.

This is a long post in which I describe my experiences with dating during my school years and the beginning of my self-acceptance afterwards. This is very, very long, so I inserted a “keep reading” tab.

Trigger warnings for brief alcohol/drug mentions (not about me), a toxic relationship, brief strong language at the end, and internalized queerphobia. Do not read if these make you uncomfortable.

When I was 12, I learned of the LGBT+ community.

When I was 13, I started questioning my sexuality and gender orientation.

I grew up in a conservative part of the midwest US, where “gay” was a swear word and I had, as such, never heard of such a thing. I knew absolutely nothing about the LGBT+ community - didn’t even know it existed. I cannot overexaggerate this; literally 0 knowledge that men could like men or women could like women (let alone other stuff). The very first time I heard the term “LGBT” was when I moved to a bluer state in the northeast, where rich old white people inhabited most places but their grandchildren were much more progressive.

I had a best friend who came out to me as pansexual and transgender. Naturally, I felt comfortable enough to come out to him as bisexual and genderfluid. 

Now, of course, this was one of the most confusing periods of my life. I was barely a teenager, new to the sixth grade, and coming back to a school system after having been away for a year. I was making new friends and learning a new way of life. I was stressed out and generally confused about most things, which probably contributed to a lot of things.

I jumped around schools a lot, but we finally found one to stay around a while and I started making friends. I ended up mostly drifting around friendgroups but made one friend in particular who had the same classes as me, so we hung out a bit more. He eventually came out to me as a trans guy. He wasn’t a very good teacher, but the information he gave me served as a stepping stone to get me into further research. A few months later, I came out to him as bisexual and genderfluid. I thought I was bisexual because I noticed attractive traits in both guys and girls that we knew. I thought I was genderfluid because I didn’t feel great being called a girl all the time but didn’t feel okay to make the jump all the way to being called a boy. (for reference, I was born female.)

This led into my first relationship with another friend of mine the following year. Our school had a Halloween dance every year and I seemed to be the only person without a date, so I guess I tried to convince myself that I had a crush on this girl, who we can call Ella. I genuinely convinced myself I “liked” her (not the first time - this exact thing had happened to me in literally kindergarten when all the girls were talking about their crushes so I picked a random boy to pretend I “liked”) and asked her to go to the dance with me. She agreed, we went, and by the end of the night we agreed to date. This went on for a few weeks at most, when one day she told me in social studies that we should break up because we never did anything “couple-like”. I readily agreed and we went on with our lives as friends, even through the beginning of high school.

A year after that, in 8th grade, I got into the online scene, but not like you might think. My app of choice? Google+. Yeah. I wasn’t allowed to have traditional social media, so that was my compromise. I, of course, went through every phase under the sun during this year (anime, emo, SuperWhoLock, you name it), and therefore got into online roleplaying. This is how I met a girl that we’ll call “Ariel”. We roleplayed together for months and I eagerly dictated this to my friend, who questioned frequently if we were “just friends” or not. Being a paranoid 14-year-old, I panicked and sent Ariel a message asking how she felt about online relationships. (We had video called and such before, so we were both confident that neither was some creep lying about our age.) She replied enthusiastically and we collectively decided to try dating. We were together for two or three months until she, like Ella, said that we never did “couple-like” things and she would rather we just be friends. She even dictated her new relationship to me (turns out she had been seeing a guy at her school without telling either of us the situation), which led to a lot of insecurity for me. This made me feel jealous because I felt like I had lost my best friend - she barely texted me anymore, let alone held a conversation. This jealous feeling seemingly reinforced my alloromantic (”experiencing-romance”) status through my freshman year and into my sophomore year, when I met the next person I dated.

This went on for a long, long time until finally, at the end of the school year and 6 months into our relationship, he gave me a deadline and said we had to break up if I wouldn’t be in an open relationship. Again, I was desperate beyond measure to be in a close relationship with somebody and, having no other friends at the time, reluctantly accepted this since I didn’t think I had a choice. After two more months of namecalling, blameshifting, and guiltripping, I called him, sobbing, and told him I wouldn’t do it anymore. I broke up with him and tried to move on with my life, but it felt impossible since nobody else, not even my parents, had known any of this had happened. I’m only now starting to move past it and accept that I’m worth more than that, but it’s been a rocky road.

This time around, I thought I had learned from my mistakes. He (genderqueer, we’ll call him Martin) was a year older than me and was wrapped up in a lot of drama, but I didn’t know this until we started dating.

He had some sort of ankle injury and we had a mutual friend, so I helped him carry his backpack to a class we had together when he asked for my phone number. Thinking this would lead to another good friendship, I readily agreed and moved on with my day. That night, he texted me, telling me that he had a crush on me since the beginning of the year and asking if he could take me to Homecoming. At this point, I was desperately wanting for a close, personal relationship, and so accepted. We went and he asked to kiss me at the end of the night, which I hesitantly agreed to.

We were thrown into almost a year-long relationship, in which I discovered his problems with alcohol, weed, cigarettes, and cheating. (I was 15, he was 16!! very illegal to be drinking and smoking!!!! i tried to ignore it, but learn from my mistakes!! if this happens to you and you fall in with the wrong crowd, get out of there!!)

He told me 2 months in that he was polyamorous, but I was and am very uncomfortable with the idea of personally being in an open relationship, so he told me that he would respect my wishes and remain monogamous while we were together. This was a lie. He cheated frequently, since I wouldn’t have sex with him, and pretended he was kicked out of his house so that he would have an excuse to be sleeping at someone else’s (and cheating all the time). He bragged about this to his friends, had the person he was cheating with brag about it, and took advantage of the fact that I refused to know his phone password (he offered when we first got together, but I didn’t want to snoop through his personal stuff so I said no).

He tried to start a lot of fights, calling me names and blaming things (like his substance abuse) on me, telling me I stressed him out too much. I fell into the darkest part of my life so far, distancing myself from all of my friends and family, and barely sleeping or eating. I kept telling him I wasn’t very comfortable kissing him (I thought it was since he was my first kiss) and needed time to calm down when he asked me to, but he kept initiating stuff like that in the hallways and I eventually gave in, choosing instead to go to the bathroom to hide afterwards. This was only the surface, but it makes me too sick to talk about the rest. (Nothing else physical, thank god)

Over this whole time, I read fanfiction. I read loads and loads of self-insert fanfiction. I was desperately searching for that personal connection, for that feeling you get when you think you can tell somebody anything. I yearned for it, craved it even, and was wholly unhealthy for me in that I spent all of my free time doing so. I’ve stopped that now, but it’s still difficult for me when I start to feel really lonely.

I have only ever had one other relationship, and that was for about a month near the end of my last year of school. (We can call him Tyler) He identified as cisgender and straight, while I tentatively identified as a gay transgender guy to my friends. A mutual friend told me that Tyler liked me and so, when Tyler asked for my phone number, I spilled in my first text about my gender identity so that, if he wanted to, he would never have to ask me out and I would never have to feel awkward. A few days later, I agreed to a movie date - I didn’t feel anything romantic towards him, but I guess I was trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t “broken” and that I could mean something to somebody.

After this date, we continued to meet up around town in some of my favorite places. During these times, we shallowly discussed my gender orientation and he asked if “this made him bisexual”, to which I had no answer. After dating for a month or two, we stopped meeting up because of timing issues (work, volunteering, and finishing our last year of school got in the way). Slowly, we stopped texting. This one was mostly my fault, since I’ve been known to go radio-silent for weeks before sending a random text at 3AM. He texted me after not speaking for two weeks, telling me in seven words or less that we should break up because we never text and, once again, never did “couple-like” things. I agreed calmly, feeling much more comfortable with this since I had a best friend at the time, and we pretty much never spoke again.

Moral of the story? My whole life, I tried to put myself in a box - don’t do that. After only a few months of even knowing about the existence of the queer community, I felt pressured to come out and call myself something. I wanted to “fit in” with the people around me, who I saw dating people and having boyfriends and girlfriends and asking me why I didn’t have one. This led to a lot of bad decisions and unnecessary negativity in my life, which led to a lot of the negative habits I still deal with today. 

This isn’t to say that these relationships didn’t teach me something. Ella taught me how to have fun with people at that Halloween dance and helped me to make other friends. Ariel helped me to realize that online relationships and friendships aren’t really my thing. Martin, fucked up as he left me, started me on the path to realizing how to cut off toxic relationships and recognizing that I do not exist solely for other people’s pleasure. Tyler was the one who opened my eyes to the boxes I had made for myself when he asked me if he was still straight (he is, I was a glitch in the system since I was trans and he has never and will never be attracted to anyone AMAB) and inadvertently helped me to start questioning my orientation again.

The thing that’s most messed up for me here is that I think I could have learned all this if these people had merely been my best friends (minus some of the unwanted kissing and stuff). I would have gone to that dance with Ella and my other friends. I would have realized I was uncomfortable with online relationships just by observing friends that Ariel introduced me to. Martin treated his friends really shittily too and I think I still would have realized my worth (probably would have listened in the beginning when somebody tried to warn me, too). I likely would have started questioning my orientation again regardless of Tyler, he just helped me to do it sooner.

The only reason I had these romantic relationships is because I felt pressured to do so. Pressured by my friends? Definitely. Inadvertently pressured by the people who asked me out? For sure. Subconsciously pressured by myself? More absolutely than either of those other things. I came out within two months of learning about the LGBT+ community. I stayed with this identity I had “chosen” for years and years, only ever “tweaking” my perception slightly, never stopping to wonder if I was wrong. 

What I did wonder was if I was broken. If a past relationship had left me so shattered that I lost the ability to feel. In reality, I never possessed the ability to feel what I was looking for. I never felt romantic attraction in all those years - not once. I was terrified to think that I couldn’t be romantic and forced myself to believe that what I was experiencing was romantic feelings because I didn’t want to admit that maybe I just...couldn’t.

I still struggle with this. I still struggle to say that I’m aromantic and asexual, but I am. I have to deal with that now, but I’m slowly coming to terms with it. I finally feel comfortable in my own head without having to lie about the nature of my interpersonal relationships. I officially un-came out about my gender, since I’m still actively questioning, though I’m leaning towards somewhere nonbinary.

I feel more free in this aspect than I ever have. Without forcing myself to think about having to come up with a romantic relationship, I’ve eliminated a major source of stress in my life. I can openly recognize that if this ever changes, I can just...let it change. I don’t have to jump through hoops to call myself alloromantic if it turns out I feel romantically toward somebody.

Not all aromantic or asexual people have been in romantic relationships. Not all who have regret it. Not all who have were uncomfortable. This is my way of learning, my way of feeling, and that fact comforts me. The fact that there are people like me, that I am not broken, and that my past experiences don’t change the validity of my current reality. I am proud to be aromantic, something I have never felt before. I am proud of myself knowing that, even though I’ve settled on a name for myself, I can decide to change that if I start to feel differently. There is no “good enough” anymore, because there is no standard I have to meet in order to identify as myself. I am me, and I am a human being who changes and fluxes and rises and falls like the tide.

You are not broken. You are you. You are a human being who changes and fluxes and that’s okay. You will always be good enough, because you are you.

[hammyhamimagines]

Dysphoria

Note: I am not a trans person, I am however a non-binary person and I can relate to some of the topics in this story. However, as I said; I am not a trans person, so if any of this is inaccurate or if you as a trans person feel uncomfortable about this story, please do not hesitate to tell me so.... I hope you enjoy! - The Y/BN stands for ‘your birthname by the way. ~<3

Wordcount: 3011

Pairing: Lin-Manuel Miranda x trans male reader

Request: Hi I just found your blog and you have really good fics so I wanted to maybe request one!! I've been looking for a Lin x trans male reader one, maybe with Lin comforting said reader when he has dysphoria?

Warnings: Mentions of transphobia and objectification. Body dysphoria

When you had met Lin in college, you had identified as a cis woman named Y/BN. During your sophomore year of college, the two of you had grown pretty close. Nothing more than a friendship, though.

However, even if you had never confided in anyone like you had in Lin, there was still a huge part that never even dared to talk about. Until, one day, during your second year of college, you were heading out to a Halloween party. Lin and you were going together, seeing as the two of you basically did everything together. You had let your friend Emma pick an outfit for you and in your mind, it was the worst thing that ever possibly could have happened. She was all confident in her own skin and never really understood why you were not. So, in an attempt to make you feel sexy, she had picked out one of those stupid, sexy nurse costume that you thought hugged your body in all the wrong ways.

"The door's open!" You shouted in a somewhat strained voice as you heard a knock on the door of your dorm.

Shortly after, Lin joined you in the bathroom, all smiley face at first. But then, he noticed how sad and uncomfortable you looked and you almost immediately saw the worry spread across his face. "Whats wrong, Y/BN?" He quickly questioned, instinctively pulling you into a hug. It did not at all make you feel better though and if anything, you felt like you were not able to breathe, so you carefully pushed him away. "Nothing," you simply answered. "Nothing is wrong, Lin," you added, trying to seem more confident. "Y/BN....," he carefully said. He did in no way believe your lie and you were in no way surprised either. You lowered your gaze, biting your lower lip as tears started to spill down your cheeks. "I... I can't wear this, this is not who I am," you finally explained. It made him arch an eyebrow and it became very evident, that he had no idea about the dysphoria you experienced every day and even more right now. "Oh... You don't have to sweetie. Let's get you something else okay?" You shook your head at his words. "No, no. That's not the point. It's not this... Costume. It's not..." You were unable to finish your sentence, as you broke down crying and even if you had not felt the need to be hugged before, you let him hold you until your crying eventually settled down to small sobs. "What is it about then?" He carefully asked. You had no idea how to explain it at first. You were not even sure about how much he even knew about being transgender. But one thing that you did know was that he would support you no matter what. You just knew. "It's dysphoria. I'm a trans person, Lin," you said in a low voice. He looked at you like as if you had just told him the earth was round. "I know," was all he said as he pulled you into another hug "and it's okay." You were in no way sure as to how he would react, but this was definitely one of the better ways it could have gone down. Still, to this day; you had no idea how he knew.

During your senior year of college, you had started falling in love with Lin and you had no idea how to handle it. You had always thought that he was straight and so you never dared tell him anything about it. But, it had come to a point where you could not just keep it to yourself. Telling him was out of question obviously, but you did need to tell someone. You knew it would be hard getting some alone time seeing as you and Lin were basically two peas in a pod. That did not exactly make it easy for you to talk to someone about him without him being there. But, you were in luck as he had gotten involved in a musical. He had rehearsal and the night you decided to tell Emma, you lied and said that you had some homework to take care of. Usually, you would always go with him. But, you had an awful lot to talk about and you really felt like Emma was the only person you could trust to keep this from him.

You knocked on your friend's door and it was soon opened by her roommate. "Emma, It's Y/BN!" She called. The usage of your birth name was in no way a rare occurrence, but it still made you feel pretty bad about yourself. "It's Y/N, actually," you corrected in a low voice. "Right, sorry Y/N," she corrected herself. You knew that she did not do it to make you feel bad or anything, but it did. You just wanted to be accepted and viewed as a guy. Emma soon emerged from somewhere behind the door and pulled you into a hug. "Hi Y/N! To what do I owe the owner? Did Lin find a new best friend or something?" She questioned teasingly. You snorted at her words. "Can we talk?" You asked a bit nervously instead, not really answering her teasing question. Her smile soon disappeared, as she could definitely tell that something was going on. "Come in," was all she said and stepped aside to let you into her dorm.

The two of you sat down on her bed and her roommate ended up leaving, giving you some space to talk. "So... What's going on?" She asked with an arched eyebrow. You bit your bottom lip. "I think I'm in love with Lin and me.... I just don't know what to do because he's straight and I'm. You know.... A trans guy," you rambled. She did not at all look shocked. She just laughed softly at you and patted your back. "Well, yes. You are a trans guy and you may be in love with him, but Lin definitely isn't straight," She said. Needless to say, you looked pretty shocked and her words made you question why you had just assumed that he was straight. But, it might have been because you just thought he was unreachable. "What?" Was all you managed to ask. "You heard me, Y/N. Besides... I'm pretty sure that Lin has been in love with you from day one. I don't really think that gender or sex means that much to him at all. He loves you for your personality, not the way you look," she explained in a soft voice and took your hands. You were still processing, not knowing how the hell to deal with this new information. "You need to tell him, Y/N," she said before you could get to say anything. "What? No? No, Emma," you answered firmly. You felt a slight spark of panic at her words. You had no intentions of letting him know because the idea of it ruining your friendship was terrifying as hell. "Why not?" She questioned. You swallowed a lump in your throat. "Because Emma. I'm trans. I may look like a guy with clothes on but without it I just... I look like a woman and I don't know if testosterone or surgery will be able to change that... And besides, I don't want him to have to deal with my dysphoria. It already happened once," you rambled. "Hey. Easy. Like I said; he doesn't care about that love. He loves you for your personality and even if you don't believe me, I know for a fact that he is attracted to you, even if you don't think there's anything to be attracted to," she tried to calm you down.

She spent probably about an hour or so trying to convince you that you had to tell him and even though she eventually made you promise that you would tell him, you were not sure if you actually dared to it or not.

It had gotten to a point where your year group would soon graduate. You were going back home and Lin was going back to New York. You knew you had to tell him if you did not want him to find someone else, but you feared that he would reject you.

Emma had convinced you to come along to a frat party a couple of weeks before graduation. You had mostly just stayed in your dorm for the past couple of weeks. There had been an incident during one of your classes, where some asshole had said some pretty discriminating things to you. Objectified you and it made you feel horrible. It was one of the classes you had with Lin, but luckily he was not there that day. Luckily, because he had kept going on and on about how Lin would never like a freak like you. It really was not great.

Still, you had decided to say yes to going with Emma. You knew that you eventually had to start going out again and besides; it was just a party. What could go wrong?

After a few too many drinks, Lin showed up out nowhere. (Emma later admitted, after the two of you had become a thing that she had decided to call him and tell him that 'you needed him' and that it was an 'emergency'). When he showed up, you were sat on a couch with Emma, talking loudly to be able to hear each other over the music.

"Y/N, are you okay?" He asked worriedly. You looked at him with a confused expression. "Uhm. Yeah, Lin. I'm fine?" You answered questioningly. You had no idea what this was about. "Are you drunk?" You shrugged. "What do you think? I'm at a frat party," you pointed out with a snort. He looked over at Emma, who just shrugged at him. He then returned his attention to you again. "Can I talk to you? You've seemed pretty.... Off lately," he carefully asked you. You handed your red cup over to Emma and managed to get up somewhat carefully. "Sure," you said and he quickly led you outside.

"What's been going on, Y/N? You've stayed in your room so much lately. We barely ever see each other anymore," he questioned as soon as the two of you stepped out of the door. "I... Nothing has been going on, Lin. I've just been busy," you tried. He obviously did not believe you. "That's not true Y/N," he simply stated. You sighed. "That asshole from class... Tom. The day you weren't there. He... You know... Said some pretty discriminative and objectifying things," you said, stumbling over your words slightly. "What? What the hell did he say to you, Y/N?" He asked. He seemed angry. "Lin. It's fine," you protested. "No, it isn't. This isn't okay... Are you okay?" You shrugged a little. "He said some things.... About my body," you said hesitantly. "What did he tell you, Y/N? I swear to God..." He trailed off. "He said that it was straight out of one of those disgusting porn movies where trans people are objectified," you muttered in a low voice as you lowered your gaze. "You're ashamed," he concluded. You simply nodded. "Y/N. Whatever else he said to you, you gotta know that it isn't true. It isn't true," he said. He placed two of his fingers under your chin and forced you to look at him. "Right?" He added and a chuckled a little nervously. "No, Lin. No. He's right. I have a woman's body, I don't look or sound like a guy in any way and you don't like me." You were almost yelling at that point. You were just so frustrated and you did not fully realize what you just said. "What?" He said. You had never seen that kind of surprisement in his face before. It took a moment for you to realize what you had just said and when you did, you felt the panic spread through your body like wild fire. "No. What? I mean... Like a friend, you know. He told me that you felt like you were wasting your time and that you...." You trailed off. He clearly was not buying your shit. "Shit," he said. "I've been in love with you since day one and you're only telling me this now?" He questioned. You shrugged, having no idea what to say. "We need to talk about this when you're sober, Y/N. We really do. But, right now I think you should head back to the dorm with me... I know you... Getting drunk at a frat party isn't you," he said in a soft voice.

You let him take your hand and lead you towards his room. Not yours. He did not want to leave you alone. He feared that you would try to make a run for it once you were sober and realized that you had told him about your feelings. And he really did not want that.

You were stood in your bedroom in front of your mirror, having just finished a shower. Or actually, you had finished it quite a while ago. While you were searching for some clothes to wear in your closet, you had come across the hat from that nurse costume Emma had found for you in college during Halloween. When you did so, your natural instinct was to look in the mirror to confirm that everything was as it was supposed to be. But, instead of seeing the progress like you always did after you started transitioning; you instead saw all your flaws. All the things you hated about yourself that you thought made you look like a woman. From the scars on your chest where you had previously had two lumps of fat called breasts, the way your waist dipped in slightly as a woman's, to the way your face now someone looked feminine staring back at you with those sad eyes. Dysphoria was no new concept to you, but for the longest time, you had felt like you were actually passing. It felt horrible to even think like that, but it was the truth. But now, looking at your naked body in the mirror; you suddenly felt worse about your body than you had done in a really long time. You felt as though somehow, your body did in no way reflect how you felt on the inside, even after having had your mastectomy and hysterectomy done and were scheduled for your bottom surgery as well, you still felt as though you looked like a woman.

You were not sure as to how long you had been standing there, looking at yourself in the mirror, picking out all the flaws rather than seeing all the good. You did not even hear the door go and the first time you looked up, it was because someone was knocking at the doorframe to your bedroom. Your and Lin's bedroom. And of course, it was Lin. It really could not be anyone else. "Hey, love. Just finish a shower?" He asked softly as he stepped inside. You lowered your gaze and simply nodded as a reply. You did not dare speak, as you feared your voice might betray you. You were already on the verge of crying, so speaking did not feel like the best idea. Both his brows shot up in worry, quickly noticing that you were sad. Very sad. "Love, what's wrong?" He questioned worriedly. He carefully stepped closer, not wanting to cross any boundaries. You simply shook your head quietly and then the first couple of tears fell. You felt his arms wrap around you cautiously. "What's wrong?" He asked again. "I.... Look at me, Lin. I look like a woman," you were finally able to say. He frowned at your words and shook his head. "You are absolutely beautiful, Y/N. Nothing less than. You do not look like a woman at all. I never see a woman when I look at you, love. You are a gorgeous guy I have seen in my entire life," he said as he tried to make you feel better. You sobbed quietly and turned around to face him so that you would not have to look at yourself in the mirror. Lin carefully moved a few strands of still damp hair away from face and leaned in to place a soft kiss on your forehead. "I'm not," you breathed in a low voice. You lowered your gaze. You did not dare look at him. You felt shameful for all the dysphoria. You wanted to believe him and you really wanted to see what Lin saw, but you just did not. "You are, Y/N. You are. I know that you may not be at a point where you see it yet and you may never get rid of the dysphoria you experience. But, that is why I am here to tell you that you are absolutely perfect just the way you are," he rambled. In the end, Lin just wanted to make you feel better and you finally ended up letting yourself believe his words. Perhaps you did not see yourself as beautiful, gorgeous or perfect. But, you could not deny that you did feel a lot better compared to back in college and maybe your outside would never match your inside completely, but maybe that was just something you just had to learn how to deal with. And you knew he was going to be there every step of the way.

[ecohli]

I decided to write a letter to my English teachers to thank them for everything they have done for me. They have been a huge part of my coming out and starting my social transition, and have offered me support when I couldn’t find it elsewhere. I wanted to share this letter on here, because I thought that maybe it would help someone realize that they aren’t alone, and that what they are going through is something that happens to more people than you might think.

So here goes it!

***

Growing up, I felt like something was wrong. I felt different, awkward, and like I didn’t belong. I was constantly uncomfortable in my skin, even when I was only 5 or 6 years old. The worst part about it though was that I never had an explanation as to why I was feeling the way I was.

I remember the confusion growing when I was around 10 or 11 years old. My friends were an equal mix of guys and girls, but I always felt more comfortable around the guys. I always really associated myself more with them, dressed fairly “boyish,” preferred my hair short, and didn’t have any feminine mannerisms. I never related with girls, and always felt extremely awkward when put in situations where I had to conform to gender roles.

Fast forward to middle school: I was really starting to discover that something was “wrong” with me, and that I was different from the other girls my age. I thought that maybe it was a body issue, because I was really uncomfortable with how certain aspects of my body looked. I wasn’t a stranger to bullying either; being the quiet kid that had a slight stutter and was really fidgety made me an easy target.

Middle school was also the time when I started having a lot of family problems, and was when I started battling anxiety and depression. I grew apart from my friends, my family, and my passion for music. I was feeling lost and overwhelmed, and I started to spiral out of control. I no longer talked to any of my friends, I quit band, and I started cutting. I was completely lost.

There is one distinct memory from middle school that has stuck with me all of these years, though, and I regard it as what is possibly the most important moment of confusion in my life.

One day in gym class, I smashed my finger into a basketball and was sent to the nurse to get an icepack. I remember asking the nurse for an icepack, and she turned to her assistant and said “hey, can you hand me a bag of ice for him.” It was a weird moment for me. Being called a boy didn’t upset me, and it didn’t make me feel uncomfortable at all, which confused the hell out of me. I spent the next week and half on Google trying to figure out if something was wrong with me for not feeling offended at being called a boy. That’s when I first stumbled across a term that changed my life forever:

Transgender.

Up until the age of 14, I had no clue that being transgender was something that happened. Hell, I didn’t even know that gay people existed until I walked in on my best friend Connor making out with another guy just a couple months prior. I did more research in the coming weeks, and I even sent a few emails back and forth with a trans woman who worked for an LGBTQ organization in New York. I did some self exploration, toyed around with pronouns, and realized that this explained the awkwardness and discomfort I had been feeling for pretty much my entire life.

I didn’t like it at all.

I felt ashamed. I felt as though I was somehow betraying my parents, and that I was disappointing my parents by not being the princess they wanted so dearly. I was so ashamed, in fact, that I refused to believe that being transgender was a possibility and forced myself into the gender role and femininity that society expected of me.

Going into freshman year, I let my hair grow out. I started wearing more sweaters and even bought a dress and boots. The whole role of “assumed female” was really putting my acting skills to the test, but if it meant that I wasn’t some freak and wasn’t disappointing my family then I was willing to do whatever it took.

Freshman year came and went, and things seemed to be going okay. My grades were good, I was enjoying extracurriculars, and friendships were seeming pretty strong. Halfway through the year, though, things started to change. My mom gave birth to my brother, and all the comments made about there finally being a boy in the family were finally catching up to me, and they were bringing lots of upset with them. Keeping up with this feminine facade was becoming hard, and I was beginning to feel the same discomfort that had plagued me when I was younger. The feelings and discomfort continued up through sophomore year, where I found my anxiety and depression creeping back into my life as my struggles got worse. By the start of junior year, I had cut my hair and changed my wardrobe and was doing anything I could to get rid of that toxic feminine image I had masked myself with. Depression started kicking my butt hardcore, and I started cutting again.

Despite the fact that junior year was the year that I had started to spiral out of control once more, it was also the year that I met the most amazing and supportive teacher. She treated me with a level of respect that I had never received before, and took the time to try and understand what I was going through and offer me help when I felt as though I was beyond help. And on January 12, 2016, she helped me come out to my family.

Coming out to my family was a complete disaster, and arguably the worst decision I have ever made in my life (and I’ve made my fair share of bad choices). I got yelled at, chastised, told that I was just some confused lesbian who needed to find a good Christian therapist and some antidepressants, and that this was just a phase I would pass through. I also got the “mother knows best” speech, and was told that because I never tried to steal my father’s underwear or play dress up in his clothes, I wasn’t transgender. I was simply a confused little girl who needed some fixing up so that I would stop thinking that I wanted to be a boy.

That level of rejection coming from your own parents is one of the worst feelings a child can ever experience. I felt unwanted, unloved, and like I really was broken. The rest of junior year was a total disaster. My family relationships fell apart, I stopped talking to friends, and I just overall hated life. I felt as though everything sucked, and I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore.

I kept this mindset going into my senior year, but even though things were extremely rough, I was reminded that even broken glass let light shine through the cracks. I had the opportunity to continue work with my English teacher from the previous year, and my AP English teacher helped me to further expand upon my support network. Both teachers were there for me when things took a turn for the worse, and it felt amazing to have such a strong support network. It was my AP Lit teacher, though, that had helped me form a new sense of self confidence through starting to use more masculine pronouns and allowing me to use my name during class. She even gave me the chance to reflect on my personal experience through blogging and through the exploration of various forms of literature. I had also began to truly find some self acceptance, and I began to come out to a lot of my friends, who also were accepting and did their best to help me with everything that I had going on, which was an amazing and new experience for me.

These past years have been a hellish whirlwind for me, and I have plenty of physical and emotional scars to show that. The level of support that I have received from friends and teachers has been truly phenomenal, and I am totally blessed to have people willing to walk with me through an extremely difficult time in my life. While it is true that I have lost some friends along the way and have damaged some relationships that may never able to be repaired, the people that have stuck by my side are showering me with such tremendous amounts of love and support and I am eternally grateful for that.

Even though things have changed for the better over the past few years, I still have days where I feel like the awkward, uncomfortable child that doesn’t belong or the kid that has killed the princess of his mother’s dreams. And to be honest, those aren’t good feelings. But I know that for every bad day, there are countless good days, and I am so forever thankful for those good days and for everyone who has helped to make them possible. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for everyone who supports me.

Thank you.

~Emmett