#sometimes you just need willie's trauma addressed :)
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Willie doesn’t have anxiety, doesn’t really get anxious. Not really. 
Not like Alex does; Shaking hands and rapid unsteady breath, a constant drip of tenseness down his spine and a niggling worry about anything that crosses his brain. The hatred of change, of the unknown.
Not like Reggie does sometimes; the worry that sprouts in his chest when he thinks his band members are having a fight, the way he shuts down and glances between them, looking for anything wrong in their expressions, ready to make a joke to diffuse the situation, breathing shallow and shoulders brought in to make him smaller.
Not even like Luke; hands fidgeting and him bouncing slightly, anxious to prove himself, to be good enough, to have someone think he’s done good for once. Desperate for the approval he’s always deserved and never got, waiting for their final judgement.
Willie doesn’t have anxiety like that, but sometimes...
Sometimes he’s skating and a car comes at a certain angle, or hits on the breaks and it sounds like that night-
And then his heart is racing and he’s flinching away and there’s no reason, no reason for him to feel so affected, but his body’s tense and suddenly he wants to curl up, wants to cover his ears to block out the phantom screeching of tires, a thud that never comes, a pain that never hits him, sometimes he’s skating and then he’s not. He’s back on that road, that night, that broken body, that piercing ringing in his ears that never quite leaves after the initial impact, and he can’t breathe except for gasps, and he knows it’s not real anymore but that doesn’t stop the adrenaline and panic spiking in his heart.
Willie doesn’t get anxious.
But then... why does he feel so scared?
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ma-lark-ey · 4 years ago
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I'm making this post the disclose my current opinions on the Dndads discourse and how frivolous its become.
I would like to preface with one thing;
This post contains content of grooming and manipulation, as this has been the main discussion in this fandom and the issues. I am speaking from my own personal experience, as a former victim of grooming who only recently escaped my abuser. I will not say their name, those who I feel comfortable knowing further information on this already know.
this is my trauma, and I am speaking from my experiences. This is one of the hardest possible topics I could touch on, and I beg anyone who still cares to listen, whether I change your mind or not. Listen.
I've wrestled with my support of this podcast for eleven weeks now. Maybe longer. Since before the discourse became a major thing. I've wrestled with this since episode 34 was released, and I need you understand that.
I need you to understand that I believe the hosts have done what they can to fix these issues. And I genuinely do not see what people still want from them. I will address each topic one at a time, and if I touch on things lesser than others, please understand that this discourse triggers a trauma that I underwent less than a year ago. a trauma I am still processing.
1. Grant, and his over sexualization.
The jokes revolving Grant and his sexual orientation or exploration were sometimes in very poor taste, I am not that blind. I will not defend them or say they weren't as bad as they are. But here'd what people have to think about when we talk about this; Those jokes are already in the episode. They cannot be removed, and the best the hosts can do about that is avoid that humor in the future. Humans are not perfect, and humor is ever growing part of a person, its always a tossup of if a joke will land or not. These did not, and they have not made these jokes since they got called on it.
On the Discord claims about them discussing his porn history, I can say nothing on that. I've seen no sources or proof that that happened. I won't make any opinions or comments on that until I've seen concrete proof that these conversations happened.
2. The Unsafe Discord.
They're Discord is no longer unsafe. Blanket statement, no discussion open. Here's the thing and here's where I'm going into my personal experience; Discords minor precautions arent up to par either. The DnDads hosts have made their 18+ channels, they've made the Discord clear to not be a totally kid friendly place and has tried to separate adults and minors. But they genuinely can only do so much. Minors can easily bypass these guidelines, and that is where we get to the whole grooming argument.
As a grooming victim, this is not the slippery slope people make it out to be. And adult fans,,this is where I'm telling you to sit down and shut up for a minute. Listen, for just a moment. I know I'm "just a kid" but, I've lived the possible outcomes you've thrown out. I lived that experience, and I lived. I survived, and the way you talk about it is so invalidating to me its absolutely disgusting.
I'm prefacing this with this may sound ineloquent, and not as "pleasant" as I usually like to sound. Because with this I expect people to listen. Its not in the public ass Discord server where you should watch out for the child. Its if you see an 18+ individual actively DMing that person, and this minor speaking about this person as if they're a major part of their life.
I need you to understand that I was genuinely wary of one of our own community members when I first began speaking with them, because of this trauma. I wary of ALL of our community members. I didn't share my other socials with people in this community unless I knew their content first. There have been multiple times I've stopped myself from messaging who I will call "My Annus" because of this trauma I've endured.
And I'm sorry, but Waterdeep genuinely has no precautions set in place to separate adults and minors that the DnDads Patreon does not. You cannot act like saints and villainize them, when they adjusted and became you. Then either both of you are saints or both of you are demons.
Children interacting with adults is always a bit set back at first. But I've been groomed. Twice. And you people act like its obvious, like it can happen so easily. And it does, it happens easily. First its them texting you so much you feel overwhelmed, then its them becoming someone you rely on. Someone who makes you pity them.
And its not gonna be people who are SIGNIFCANTLY older. (i.e, I feel much less worry interacting with 30 year olds than I do 18-22 year olds.) Because the adult people that feel 'more understandable' to be friends with cause their just barely adults? they tend to pry harder. They can get away with it. Thats just fact. The people who say "Oh I'm eighteen, but I just turned eighteen" I'm always the wariest of. Not because I'm convinced they're bad people or whatever, but because both times; my abuser was one of those people. This was two different people as well.
And thats what the adults of this fandom won't address. That its not the slope they've made it out to be. Because then they have to retract statements they made, and a lot of people, minors and adults, just don't have the humility to do that.
The only advice I can give to people in the server, who are worried for the minors. These are the only signs I can give you, and this is from my experience or the experience of other survivors I've spoken to, and I'm by no means saying this is concrete.
Abusers tend to be /just/ enough of an adult to be considered on, but not so old that it'll be considered weird for them to befriend a minor. The age gaps I see most often are 14/19 or in that kind of range. They'll go for the lonelier or newer folks, the ones who haven't built their group in the community and are just entering. The ones looking for their place in the hierarchy. If you want to help protect us, you watch like a mother bear when a new minor joins.
A lot of us don't realize its happening until its too late, and by the time we realize the situation we've fallen into its too late for us to get ourselves out. The majority of us have weak wills and a fear of conflict.
3. What the Hosts have done in response.
I honestly, genuinely think the hosts have done a lot of steps in the right direction. And in recent episodes? man, they've tagged their shit better than the McElroys, and no I'm not reaching there.
Honestly, they kind of did before to, on topics they knew were really rough for some people.
When they warned for the Willy Stapler stuff, I was grateful. They warned me I may be triggered by Ron and Willy's dynamic before I was forced with it. The McElroys had a scene with grooming in Grad, and I wasn't warned. I couldn't mentally prepare myself and I had a minor reaction to it. And thats not at all to shit on the McElroys, anyone who knows me know I love that family more than anything. That they saved me. Thats just a statement I need you all to understand.
The Hosts aren't "ignoring us" they're listening to us. They genuinely are. They saw we wanted content warnings, and they gave us some of the best content warnings I've seen. They've content warned episodes I didnt see reason for content warnings.
4. The Transcripts.
Look, this is beating a dead horse at this point. I, personally, have debated beginning to transcribe episode. I know they said they will, and I trust their word. But thats all we can really do, right?
I've transcribed things myself before, guys, and thats hard. and it takes time. and knowing them, they'll want to get all the current episodes up at once, and thats gonna take a hot minute to get down. And we can go into "Well why didnt they transcribe from the beginning?" and well, that's because transcribing just wasn't a thing until recently? Like again, going back to MBMBAM and McElroys, they don't even have all of TAZ transcribed last I checked (I believe their transcriptions go from Grad-Stolen Century, and anything before Stolen Century doesn't have one yet. I may be wrong on that.)
I will not speak on the other grievances and issues people have brought up in the show. The topics I covered are the only ones I feel comfortable speaking on on a public platform, where my words can sway opinions.
There is no TL;DR, because as I said in the beginning; if you can't read this, you aren't listening well enough nor willing to actually discuss the issues you have. You're looking for something to be mad about. Period, end of discussion.
I don't say that to act like I'm some authority on this, or some higher being above all of you for "being forgiving." Because, frankly I don't forgive them. I will continue to support them for making steps in the right direction, and upping their game. But, I won't forgive them for their jokes or the brief lack of precaution in the server. But, I will move on and I will support them. Because, as a victim of the problems people brought up in those situations, the steps the took are the best ones they could have. And I am grateful for that.
If other survivors read this and disagree, you're perfectly valid in that. We all went something, and it effects each of us differently. My heart goes out to you, as well, I know how isolating and genuinely terrifying those experiences and situations can be.
To those who aren't survivors and have read this; I beg you to think about this.
I am open to discussion further on this, but to an extent. There are some opinions I hold in this message that I will flat out tell you to not debate me on, not because of anything other than what I said in this post was hard enough to me to say.
Thank you for your time. EDIT: I implore anyone reading to the read the notes on this post, more information and discussion can be found and all of it is just as important. 
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whetstonefires · 5 years ago
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Do you think the DC fandom maybe, Infantilizes Tim a little too much? Like for a rich kid character who's main trauma for a long time was a getting left home alone too much there's an oddly amount of meta abt how much how much his parents hurt him~ compared to, y'know the two poor characters who grew up with physically abusive dad's+druggie mom's, or the two that were raised assassin cult's, etc
…well, yeah, I do kind of think that? His whole schtick for so long was being too old for his age in ways that didn’t sacrifice his jokey, relatable teenager energies. It’s weird how little of that we see anymore, sometimes.
And then DC broke him and discarded him and he’s sort of awkwardly hanging around getting reimagined as more woobie with every fan generation. It is weird!
But tbh I do get it. And I think the reason his parents’ failure of him and his vulnerability get played up so much, and Jason and Steph’s sufferings (while used a lot for things like motivation and context) not dwelt on quite so much in the same lugubrious style, are kind of the same reason.
Which is that canon didn’t commit to it. Jason and Steph’s experiences with bad parenting were foregrounded and retconned more dramatically awful several times. (There’s some definite classism in how that was approached imo, and I’m never budging on being mad about DC retconning out Catherine being sick and then ignoring her forever in all Jason characterization because a drug death invalidates a person ig, great message during the opioid crisis guys.)
They engaged and coped with it–Steph (and Cass, our #1 canon batfam parental abuse victim) pretty directly, Jason a little less so because of the dubious and fluctuating canon status of most of the content more specific than ‘poverty, homelessness, theft, parental drugs and crime in there somewhere,’ so most of his parent issues have been focused on Bruce. He sure has dug into them tho. 😂 Rarely well or productively, thanks DC, but it’s explicitly part of his character, is my point.
Whereas upper-middle-class Tim was always treated by the narrative as fortunate and unharmed by his experiences with his parents. Even though they were clearly behaving badly in several ways, and Tim showed signs of being harmed by it.
Tim outside of immediate moments of frustration always was of the opinion he was Fine, and Very Fortunate Actually.
Therefore a huge chunk of the numerous everyone who’s got parent-related mental and emotional harm, but has struggled to have that validated and hasn’t responded with a lot of anger toward the parent, identifies with Tim. The only one who’s never really lashed out at his parents for fucking up with him. The one who still needs it explored, because canon ultimately didn’t.
[editing post to put in a readmore because lol it’s long, post otherwise unchanged]
(Dick obviously didn’t ever have any Issues with the Graysons, but he Angry Teenagered at Bruce so hard it changed Bruce’s characterization permanently, rip.)
The things Jason, Steph, and Cass have been through are dramatic, obvious, and fit stereotypes because that’s what they’re based on.
That’s important content to have, but because it’s right out there in your face even people who identify with it quite a lot are less likely to feel the need to work all the way through it again in fanworks. That part’s there. It’s text.
(Well actually Jason having been physically abused kind of wasn’t? I think? It was mostly assumed on the basis of stereotyping and Jason’s not caring about the man much even as he felt possessive of information about his death, which is valid. I don’t actually know what’s up with Willis now, Lobdell did some weird shit that lacked emotional resonance or staying power because he’s Lobdell and has no soul.
Cass’ wandering years are also ludicrously underdeveloped. But very very few comics fans or writers can personally relate to being amazing child warriors with no grasp of language living feral under bridges. That part of her life is consistently represented in terms of absences, in terms of its deviation from the norm and the deficits of normality it left her with, which is typical but unfortunate.) 
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The interesting things to do with these characters are often informed by the bad stuff in their childhoods, but there’s relatively rarely that much more to say about the fact that those things were bad. They know they’re bad. They’ve had a lot of on-panel rage about it, as discussed above. Steph and Cass both beat the shit out of their dads.
Jason is, in fandom especially, a sort of Platonic ideal of a kid who’s mad about his bad childhood and really bad at figuring out where to point that rage.
(Damian is a whole other kettle of fish, because he’s been lumbered by so many detailed retcons coming so fast no two people can seem to construct compatible models of what his early childhood was like, and even more because he’s still ‘a child’ enough that he’s necessarily in a different stage of processing than someone who’s officially only a few years older than him at this point, but still functionally 8 and also 20 years older, and whose parents are no longer in the picture to continue screwing up.
Also there’s no question that if he brings up an abusive thing the League did, he will be validated by his current environment about his realization that it was in fact bad. There’s a lot of fic on that theme! But it doesn’t have the same tone precisely because it is usually understood that that support will be there if he wants it. Realizing that his previous context contained things that were wrong keeps being made the focus of his arc.)
The badness of Tim’s childhood, on the other hand, was mainly in subtext. Even when we were clearly meant to understand Jack was fucking up, like when he canceled plans with Tim at the last minute to go on a date with Tim’s stepmother, or that infamous time he came to apologize for not being a great parent and got mad Tim was distracted by a crisis on TV so he flew into a rage and took the TV and smashed it and was like ‘that’ll teach you,’ it wasn’t leaned into.
The story didn’t treat Jack as a minor villain to be overcome but like a sort of environmental hazard of childhood, like homework, to be endured and coped with. Tim said things like ‘it’s fine’ and ‘at least he left the computer.’
(And like. It’s not about having a TV and computer in his room. It’s about not letting a child have boundaries, pointedly not respecting a child’s possessions, creating an emotionally insecure environment, punishing minor infractions in proportion to their momentary impact on your own ego, physically lashing out at a proxy for the child…)
Rather like Tom King later didn’t understand about the punching from Bruce, whoever did that story (probably Dixon? I don’t care enough to check) did not understand how serious a case of bad parenting that scene was. That is most definitely textbook abusive behavior. (It’s a hell of a lot more common abusive behavior than being a lame supervillain or shooting you when you screw up, and a lot more specific than ‘was a thug, might have hit me, dead now.’)
And Tim was never allowed to be mad at his parents about it. It was fine. He needed to be ignored so he had the freedom to be Robin. He deserved his dad being mad at him because he was keeping secrets. He complained too much, although objectively he did not.
The universe punished him for ‘complaining,’ more than once. We cut straight from him shunting aside his disappointment that his postcard from his parents was just to say they weren’t coming home yet after all with ‘if it will stop all the fights they’ve been having lately it’s more than fine’ to them getting kidnapped.
He agreed not to come on the rescue mission. His mom never made it home, and his dad was in a coma for a while. And then ultimately Jack died as a result of Tim’s decision to be Robin, immediately after finally deciding to accept it.
So Tim walks around feeling a huge burden of responsibility for his parents’ deaths, and completely unable to process any hurt they did him as real or valid, especially in comparison with the far more blatant awfulness other people have been through, and canon is clearly never going to address it. Or even acknowledge it properly.
Let me repeat that because it’s kind of my main point:
People are fixated on getting Tim’s emotional abuse validated because that’s an incredibly important step in recovering from emotional abuse, and it’s one canon consistently denied him.
How ‘bad’ things are ‘in comparison to’ problems other people have is a bad and unhealthy way to engage with trauma. Okay? That’s just a really harmful framework to apply to pain.
It’s also a way that both Tim and people with experiences similar to Tim’s are encouraged to engage with their own experiences, compounding the existing problems.
So. Not a form of relatable DC was ever actually aiming for when they tried so hard (and pretty effectively) to make him a relatable character as Robin, but an enduring one for a lot of fans.
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So Tim’s childhood is a natural target for fanworks in a different way than the traumas that have been made explicit and taken seriously by the text. And then a lot of that got compounded by the way the introduction of Damian as Robin was handled, and the lack of resolution that got. And his current status as not quite having a place in the family anymore.
So between the level of projection encouraged by that context and how relatively difficult to access Tim’s Robin run has become ten years after the fact, this has led to a lot of fanworks on these themes that are based mostly on other fanworks, and stray further and further from the original content.
So at this point there’s an entire wing of Tim’s fandom wherein this side of him has expanded enormously, and he primarily exists to suffer, frequently in ways that 1) escalate to a point that is inarguably ‘valid’ and hard to dismiss and 2) set him up to rebound from it in whatever way the writer finds emotionally satisfying or useful–being ultimately cared for and reassured by people who value him (the most infantilizing option but like, popular for obvious reasons), or unveiling his brilliant scheme that was causing him to pretend to be passive in the face of mistreatment, or turning around and using his genius ninja skills to wrest power back from his abusers, or just laying down some sick burns about being treated fairly.
But not that many of the last one, because that’s mostly done with other batfam members.
Tim’s become a vehicle for a lot of vicarious coping that Steph and Jason just aren’t appropriate for, because they get angry and they get even. And those are stories that exist already, so there’s less scope for telling your own.
And because Jason’s reaction pattern is ultimately so masculine (i’ll make them all sorry! with my guns! blam blam!) while Tim’s is pretty gender-neutral, the demographics of fanfic mean that the bulk of the people using Tim vicariously in this manner are female-aligned, which has over time feminized this archetype of him a lot. Sometimes in ways I find really uncomfortable, like there’s a lot of forced pregnancy stuff which activates my panic buttons. x.x
But, ultimately, it’s fandom. People are going to do what they’re going to do, DC in their perpetual fail has hung Tim out to dry in narrative terms, and I’d rather the people who are using Tim for victimization narratives over the people who can’t dismiss or discredit him fast enough now that his position has been filled. 🤷‍♀️ What we gonna do? Fave’s in an awkward spot. DC hates us. This is the life in this comic book pit. XD
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Also if you’re the same anon who left me a callout about op of that weird Steph post in my inbox, or if you aren’t @ that person, 1) I refuse to get involved so I’m not answering that ask 2) those aren’t even particularly dramatic fandom crimes? That’s pretty normal? That’s just…Caring Too Much About Ships And Disagreeing With Me.
Do I also feel those opinions are kinda bad? Yeah. But I disagree with everyone about something. Chill.
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nettlestonenell · 4 years ago
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Armie Hammer wants a sequel to The Man From U.N.C.L.E.—shouldn’t you?
This post is a long time in coming, Gentle Readers and @jammeke​, but now, though it might be here, before your very eyes, to think it will be well-laid out would be a mistake. It’s set to be just about as messy as Ilya’s misplaced loyalties and murky motivations.
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How dare!
I probably first watched this film well over a year ago (courtesy @jammeke​ posting things about it). I used Sling OnDemand (I think on TNT). In the ensuing viewings I also watched it in that way, but as I was sitting down for a fourth(?) viewing, it kept coming to me that I was tired of watching it with commercials I couldn’t skip, and I had a sneaking suspicion that it had been edited for time and I was missing out on scenes. [pointless aside: I was also watching the film in chunks, and never as a whole]
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Where is she now? What’s the time stamp? How far along did she get? Are you shagging the hotel hostess yet?
So, I, uh, set out to buy it on DVD���without any luck! In the sense that copies I could find cost more (w/ shipping) than buying it to stream. So, I bought it to stream on Amazon. Do I regret my choice, Gentle Readers? No, no I don’t. I do regret burden of knowledge in learning that TNT was already playing the entirety of the film. That was a hard pill to swallow.
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Nope, I’ve looked. That’s absolutely everything. Nothing additional lurking around here...
So here it is, as it is, @jammeke, “My Notes on The Man from U.N.C.L.E.”
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Look, I don’t know what this film is. I probably can’t fully articulate its appeal. Or maybe I can--certainly after transcribing four page I’ve tried. Number One thing to know about me and fiction/films is that a top draw for me is seeing something out of the ordinary, such as beautiful locations, a historical era, delicious costumes. There are times, frankly, this can trump weak story and undefined character for me. (The best films, of course, combine all three) Certainly, The Man... delivers in the delight of the eyes. Additionally, I must confess that growing up as a person older than @reblogginhood​ but younger than Miss Fisher, so much of what was on TV was essentially reruns of this film’s iconic Look(tm). So, when I see women dressed like Gaby I am just another three-to-seven-year-old overcome with the drop dead glamour of it all.
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Darling, tell me how you really feel...
Some questions I have:
·         IS Armie Hammer a hulk of a man? Everyone in this film seems to think so, yet he always tracks to me as trim (rather than hulking)
·         Why translate via captions some Russian speaking, but not all?
·         IS Napoleon’s backstory directly cribbed from USA’s White Collar?
·         DOES Gaby have a German accent?
·         Does Ilya get preternaturally attached to all the people he’s ordered to look after? Also, what is his bonding rate with kittens?
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Sorry, wrong iteration. 
 ·         If Lady Villain knows the lens is wrong—if her technical understanding is that in-depth--does she really need Gaby’s dad to make the bomb?
·         How old was Gaby during the war?
·         What happens when Ilya gets a NEW puppy assigned to him? (please let this be addressed in film #2)
Hooray for:
·         That bathroom fight! *all the Burn Notice feels!
·         Gaby is her own lady, and chooses sides as necessary—not always unilateral in her support for either male character. Case in point: she sides with Ilya over the clothes, and Napoleon over the incident of the wallet.
·         That delicious (speaking as Rusty, here) Ocean’s 11-stylized action. It’s pretty, so I’m not bored with it. Sometimes a sandwiched montage gets shown, so I’m REALLY not bored. I’ve got 18 tiny moving boxes of things to look at!
·         Pinkie rings. There, you’ve told me everything I need to know about that character.
·         Solo in a beret. English has not yet found a word for the feeling it evoked in this viewer. Somewhere between ‘precious’ and ‘oh, no’.
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See, there? Now you’ve felt it too.
·         Goggles! All the accessories! Dune Buggies! (I mean, that’s what I’m calling Napoleon’s chase-scene ride)
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Things I adore:
·         It seems (after some research) that more than a few folks view Gaby as a third wheel, and though she’s not exactly a Princess Leia commandeering her own rescue and exuding competence and a deserved take-charge-attitude at every corner, she IS a foci for both male characters (though romantically it would seem only for one), just as Ilya is a foci for both her and Napoleon [no one seems to worry about Napoleon, though they should--film #2, anyone?]
·         Mechanic Gaby not needing a beauty makeover, or being dragged into one. She gets some nice clothes, but it’s never suggested that she’s not attractive or acceptable before putting them on, and I respect, nay, embrace it.
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Oh, my heart. She’s still not as tall as them!
·         Ilya, drab pigeon Ilya, knowing fashion
·         Oh man, don’t even get me started on the power of the statement, “it doesn’t have to match”
·         You knew it was coming on this sublist: the wrestle-fight. I mean, c’mon. Poor little Gaby, locked behind the Iron Curtain, living a life of always being watched. She’s in the swankest hotel (I mean, Napoleon chose it, so we can be sure it’s swank with an E). She’s trying to celebrate her freedom, her liberation. She’s playing verboten music, she’s drinking to excess. Girl wants—and deserves—a party. And Ilya is…not built for that (that he knows of). For some fun, just imagine if she had been given Napoleon to room with instead.
                            o   I will say that this scene, and some of their other interactions have what I would call early (non-sibling) Luke and Leia energy. Ilya seems to have moments of being struck by Gaby in a way Luke is struck by Leia in the early part of the trilogy. When Leia takes charge, and Luke accepts it. When Leia does something incredible, and Luke is left open-mouthed. *no, I don’t see OT Star Wars in everything. Shut up.
·         “He fixed the glitch.”
·         Again, shout-out to the non-action action.
·         “I left my jacket in there.”
·         The whole race to rescue Gaby I am in love with beyond words. [I have noted it as “Crazy Jeep Drive with Warhead!”] Probably b/c it comes across as totally egalitarian. Both men want her rescued. They’re no longer in competition. It’s just as important to Napoleon as it is to Ilya to catch up to her. Also, it is bonkers, like some sort of X-games version of a commercial for the vehicles they’re driving. And screaming Willie Scott does not make an appearance.
         Someone says “winkle” out.
·         Look! Another note about the screen divisions and how I love it, shout-outs to the original Steve McQueen The Thomas Crown Affair (a contemporary of when this movie is meant to be set), and TV’s 24.
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Things that get a great, big NOPE:
·         Jerrod Harris: you’ve been in so much streamable content in the last decade I can’t hate you, but frankly, you’re terrible here—unless you’re supposed to be giving a mannered, not-campy-enough-to-be-enjoyable performance here. Your American English puts me in the mind of Alex Hawaii 5-0′Loughlin where it feels you’re concentrating so hard on your accent that you fail to convince anyone that you’re a harried, over-worked and exasperated spy handler. Your performance is at odds with every bit of dialogue you’re given to say.
·         That awful, mishandled title that doesn’t even connect to the film until the final moments (a sequel set-up, for sure)
·         Look, you don’t introduce Hugh Grant casually mid-way through your film in a throwaway appearance. I mean, he’s HUGH GRANT we all know something’s up now.
·         This is not exactly a great big NOPE, b/c I love a flat cap, Tommy Shelby—but I feel like a less tall man with a far rounder face in a flat cap would track more as Russian to me that AH does. To me, he just looks like he’s about to go golfing.
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Over par? Unacceptable!
·         Is Victoria a British-accented Italian? A British woman who married—what? Gaby’s uncle isn’t Italian!? An Italian who went to school in Britain? My head hurts. Also, is her hair meant to be unconvincingly bleached?
Other commentary:
·         Napoleon’s adult ne’er-do-well backstory is so far from being emotionally equivalent to Ilya’s childhood trauma [and his enslavement to the USSR] it seems bestial when he calls it out on multiple occasions. Badly done, Solo.
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·         Gaby is the film’s key (sorry, Buffy fans). Everyone is connected to her. Yes, she could have been given a bit more on the character front, but I don’t see her as as much of a flaw in the film as some others/reviewers seem to.
·         Look, essentially (and not very nuanced-ly), Ilya is a stalker. I think the film goes a certain distance in establishing that his early behavior toward Gaby is not normal, but concurrently it does not truly call him out on it. He’s essentially viewed as an odd-duck, sure, but not a true threat to her (should she not reciprocate or tolerate his intensity toward her). I think I might be able to cite his behavior when Gaby comes on to him (that he doesn’t jump at a chance with her) that maybe he’s given a little more nuance than a straight-on stalker, and it helps that he and Napoleon never get into a pissing match over Gaby’s person, only over her new clothes. But overall the film has to walk a fine line (and the jury is still out on how successful it is, I’d say) between playing Ilya’s laser-like attention to Gaby for its humor, and calling it out for the unsettling, threatening behavior it is.
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·         Honestly, it wasn’t until I engaged the Closed Captioning that I understood Napoleon was calling Ilya the ‘Red Peril’. So, that was nearly three viewings in.
·         I give the screen credits A+, on both ends. Not to mention the end credits are actually INTERESTING with lots to see and learn! (Certainly we learn more about HG in them than we do at any time during the film)
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Things I would have liked:
·         More of fish-out-of-the-Iron-Curtain Gaby moments
·         A better dichotomy shown of East vs. West Berlin/Germany. There’s nothing easy either visually or otherwise to distinguish the two.
·         HC being given a more specific American accent (from an actual locality). This, for an American viewer, works better than the flat, unlocated American accent many a British actor will bust out. *Mind you, HC does a generally good job, but he fails utterly on both “Immediate” which he pronounces at least twice as “immeedeejt” [rather than imm-E-deeot] and “Nazi” as “NAHT-zee” [rather than “NOT-zee”]. And let’s not get started on that late in the film use of ‘earnt’, a word that—well, it’s just not in the American English twentieth century lexicon.
·         C’mon. You gotta tease the Hugh Grant more.
·         Solo is a blank before the war. I’ve read thoughts on the film calling out Gaby as the blank character, but they’re wrong. Solo is the blank. He’s the ‘made’ man, his identity seemingly assembled during the war and after. For example, he doesn’t go into the war a thief, nor (it would seem) a particularly educated or urbane individual. Now THAT’s a juicy backstory I’d love to learn about, perhaps in film #2--or #3? What creates a Napoleon Solo? What would he be doing if he weren’t on the government’s leash/incarcerated? Is anyone left caring about him back wherever he calls home? I mean, who doesn’t love a gender-flipped 60s-era Holly Golightly backstory? [And yes, I would love there to be an ex-wife or even a current wife mixed up in his origins as well—Guy Ritchie, call me!]
Notes I have that I’m not sure if they still make sense to me:
·         Only mom calls me Napoleon (do he say it ‘mum’?) Is he a secret Canadian?
·         Solo’s torture, 1st view recall Napoleon’s childhood? *I think this means that after watching the first time I somehow erroneously believed that during the torture Napoleon’s childhood was a topic gone over. This was wrong. HOWEVER, this would have made far more story-sense than the backstory we’re given on an easily disposeable villain.
·         “Even the average Russian agent. You’re special.” ?
·         Uncle is Baddie (*so glad I made this note to myself)
·         Ilya’s dad IS an embarrassment. I’m not sure what genius commentary I had in my mind, here. Perhaps that Ilya himself is embarrassed of him? Not just Ilya’s handler’s? [Also, aside: Napoleon totally slut-shames Ilya’s mom, which is the doublest of double standards from ‘I got myself the biggest and most ornate suite b/c I-wanted-plenty-of-space-for-my-random-seductions’ and I really wish Ilya had thrown that back in his face] *yes, of course I know that Ilya and Napoleon would not likely equate a wife/mother’s sexual exploits with that of Solo’s, but let’s be honest, this film tweaks the nose of (I won’t say reverses, it doesn’t go that far) plenty of tropes and gender expectations, and this certainly seems like a missed opportunity to call Solo on the carpet (which I hope film #2 does far more)
Things I wrote down so long ago I don’t recall what they mean:
·         CC-save
In conclusion:
What does film #2 look like? What title does it get? Will the Peter/Neil White Collar dynamic continue to grow? *note that I have no confidence a second film will ever come to pass...
In the end, all I know is, “It didn't help when American Tom Cruise, who was slated to play U.S. spy Napoleon Solo, dropped out, prompting the casting of Cavill (who had previously read for the Russian role).“ I would not have watched that film.
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julies-butterflies · 3 years ago
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I must admit, sometimes I do feel like a ye olden solider, sending letters to my beloved across the waves during wartime. Oh my dearest Lydia, I hope the kudos and comments crops have been plentiful this season. Your last letter left me weeping. Why must you put poor Reginald through such pain?
(I gotta admit, I still can't believe that I'm talking to you. I've been looking up to your work for so long...it just feels a bit surreal, even now! Glad you like hearing my ramblings! And that you liked my vampire prompt! Did not realize you'd write back when I sent that in. Look at us now, huh?)
(Speaking of prompts, I sent those jukebox and willex ones too. And I loved them both so so much, I shall scream about them more when it is not 2 am because I need sleep)
(Oh and the update of If I Was You!!! Amazing, Stellar, Incredible, Reggie, Carrie, Julie shenanigans is my new favorite thing, DID YOU JUST DOUBLE THE CHAPTER COUNT, and I'm like 90% sure Trevor is in deep trouble with a certain angry jazz ghost. Seriously loving it)
I actually do not remember what it was like to send in 1/5 asks, because I did not get a Tumblr until very reccently! I've always been a nerdy person, but Jatp is my first time being really in a fandom. You gotta do something new in quarantine, right?
Ah yes. Luke and Emily. To me, it just seems obvious that there's so much love between them. Even with all the pain. You get it. You put it down so eloquently.
As for what kind of stories I like to read...it seriously depends on my mood.
I like niche aus, passion projects. Stories where you can just feel the author's love for the world they're inventing. But I tend to lean towards cannonverse. I like ghost stories, it's what drew me to this show in the first place. And I love exploring that concept. (Being forever gone, and always the same...it's just fascinating to me)
Platonic goodness is just WONDERFUL for this show. I will read anything with cuddles. I am touched starved and these kiddos are too, and I will cry about them puppy piling every damn day. Plus there's just some much POTENTIAL for future friendships! I love ones where Flynn and Carrie get to interact with the boys as well. And 90s content, from before and after the orpheum, just hits hard.
I really wasn't expecting to get invested in the couples on this show, but something about them is moving to me. So I do love to read about them. Watching two queer kids who lived during incredibly important areas of queer history find love together after death really hit hard for me, and there's just something so bittersweet about a girl and ghost deciding to love each other for the little time they're given.
I love family dynamics too. Anything with Ray and his seven disaster children, the band and Trevor.... I think Julie and Emily is one of my favorite dynamics to explore. A girl who lost her mother and a mother who lost her son, both grieving but with one able to speak to the dead...it's just very powerful to me.
(And of course, Luke and Emily, but I figured you already knew that)
Mostly...I like seeing the messy stuff. The unexpected consequences, the baggage. I want to see the messy emotions, the grief and anger, the jealously, the disorientation. I look for those glass shards, that might be too sharp to ever be addressed on the show. Not even the big, monumental plot lines just... the harder pieces of life, the little moments that don't fit neatly into a nine episode arc.
I just want to see them live you know? Love, laughter and loss all mixed together.
(One of my all time favorite tropes is "found family gets broken apart by trauma, only to find each other again and come back stronger than ever." I feel like this explains a lot of my taste in fiction)
Thank you for the writing advice. Your words were very motivating. I am trying to begin! I got up the nerve to start working on a little piece. Who knows if it will go anywhere. But it's been nice, to finally put some words on the page.
The POTC au is so freaking good man. The character dynamics are just on FIRE. Everything is broken and messy and the relationships genuinely tug at my heartstrings. It's such a fascinating story. Highly recommend, even with the cliff hangers.
OH HOW COULD I FORGET PAWPRINTER? Man oh man I love all her work. The wheelies art and steals universe is freaking amazing, not an avacado had me in tears (of laughter, till things got surprisingly sad). And All that Remains...slow burn Willex perfection. Jedi Alex and Pilot Willie have my HEART.
I don't think I've read firefall and weneedglitter (or if I have, I'm just not connecting the names to their pieces. I don't always remember author names. it's a problem). I will go look for them though! Cannot wait!
For more recs, I recently binge read We Found Wonderland. I was not mentally prepared for the sheer amount of feelings that gave me. Highly recommend, if you ever want an emotional rollercoaster with an incredibly satisfying end.
Going on to more serious subjects...I'm sorry your family doesn't see your grief for what it is: honest. Better to feel everything quietly, than make it an easily understadnable performance. Fake grief is so easy to spot.
I think of that scene from "Forever," when Buffy breaks down and tells Dawn that she has to keep busy, because if she stops, it means Joyce is really gone. There's a lot of truth there.
On a tangent here but.. there was a very long period in my life when I was told the ways I expressed my emotions were "incorrect". And I found that sometimes, no matter how you show your emotions, you'll always be criticized. Numbness can be called disinterest, but sobbing can be called attention-seeking too. Too big, too small: that jury was impossible to please This may not apply in your situation but...it's okay to feel however you can. It's the only think you can do, really.
As I've said before, Grief is such an odd trickster.
Don't you ever get tired of missing people... This past year, I've been so weary of grief. Sometimes it can be so sharp, but it's that dull ache. That ball and chain, no longer cutting through your skin, but rubbing it raw, weighing you down.
And people don't like to talk about that part, because it's long and tiresome, but oh, is it there. I find it hard to talk about my grief, because sometimes there's just so much of it. I could drown in it, and that fear keeps me from looking to close. To incorrectly quote Jane Austin: "If I missed you a little less, I might be able to talk about it more."
(Sometimes it's faceable. But sometimes you just can't bear it. And that's okay.)
But what you wrote in that eulogy...the love is there. It's in every word you write. I cried reading that section. I feel honored once again to see some of your jagged pieces. You're sharing your heart, and there's just so much love.
In the wise words of an author I know, "Love is like the snow Reggie. It never goes away."
And don't worry, I'm always with you.
Sending Love,
-LydiaStan7845 (aka Vampire Anon)
So...that Reggie and Nicky prompt
my god
my GOD
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
I think it's safe to say congrats, you've officially destroyed me! I was not prepared for that at ALL. I should know better by now I guess.
I can't get over that even though they all take place in very different universe, all your stories just feel so connected! The way this talked about those headphones, which you mentioned in the first chapter of Kill Your Heroes...it's just so cool. All the characterization and backstory is just so well thought out, and it genuinely blows my mind.
I didn't think I could love Nicky Peters more. I was wrong. The way you write about him...even though you never go into exactly what happened to him after Reggie's death, you can just feel how much it's shapped him as a person. And the trauma around his father, and how he fears becoming like that, was just so beautifully written. He's just so lovable and flawed and trying so damn hard and you made my heart ache for him. Again.
You always take these genuinely crazy situations and...you just make them feel so real. I love you explore the strains such a revelation would put on Nicky's own life, it just makes everything so compellingly messy. It seriously feel like I was watching a real-life account of a family trying to deal with such a massive complication.
That porch scene had me in tears both times I read it. Reggie's just always a big brother, even though Nicky is more than twice his age now. My heart was shattered, and then you slowly mended it, piece by piece. And for absolutely no reason at all, you wouldn't happen to have a reference for the porch, would you?
Just wow. Hope you're doing well. Sending love and applause
-Vampire Anon
i’m not even gonna reply, but i want these documented... on my blog... for posterity.  ( for any curious onlookers, i’m dating this anon now!! )
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btssavedmylifeblr · 6 years ago
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I have a question, what is a proper word to use in replacement of "noona kink" as a non-Korean it kinda makes me feel weird to be referred to that, but idk how else to explain it. I don't want to be put in the same group as ped*s, but I like the power dynamic of a few year age difference(IM NOT A P*EDO IM ONLY 4 YEARS OLDER) plz help
Oof... I am soooo not the person to be answering this question. I am not Korean and my Korean language ability is akin to that of a toddler. But in an effort to encourage rather than shame genuinely curious discourse, I’ll attempt to unpack some of the things in this ask. 
1. There is no English language equivalent of the words oppa/noona/hyung/unnie. They denote closeness and are used between siblings, close friends, and boyfriends and girlfriends, so sometimes they have a platonic connotation and sometimes a sexual one. (Sidenote: I know some people will argue that it only has a platonic connotation and never a sexual one. Please weigh in on this if you are actually Korean. I don’t know for sure. But I will tell you a story. I once met a 46-year Korean man in an online language exchange who kept wanting me to call him oppa. I asked a Korean woman who is a friend of mine about it and she told me that was super creepy and weird. A few days later the dude starts telling me he loves me and how he wants to leave his wife and come to America to be with me. So at least for that Korean man, I think oppa had a sexual connotation.)
2. Talking about one of the boys having an “oppa kink” or “noona kink” is very different than saying you as a non-Korean have a “noona kink”. Saying something like “Yoongi has a oppa kink” would imply that Yoongi gets some sexual excitement from being addressed with a term in his own language that connotes respect and a sort of “older protective male” vibe. While saying something like that is a little weird because it is assuming the sexual preferences of a real person, I don’t think it is any weirder than saying something like “Yoongi is a bottom or Yoongi is a dom”. It’s weird, but I don’t think it fetishizes Korean culture because Yoongi himself is Korean and he might enjoy women of any ethnicity using that term with him. (BUT I don’t know for sure! I would be interested in opinions from Koreans. Koreans seem to disagree about this too though.)
3. HOWEVER, if you as a non-Korean say something like “I have a noona kink” that quickly becomes fetishizing. Because noona is not a word that exists in your language, so you’re getting off on the idea of a specifically Korean term that only Koreans would use. I think maybe you could say something like “I would love for Jungkook to call me noona” because Jungkook is a specific person who you might be attracted to because he is Jungkook and not just because he is Korean and “noona” would be the appropriate term for him to use with you, since he is Korean. But to say “I have a noona kink” implies that you would get off to any man (Korean or not) calling you “noona” which is either fetishizing the Korean term if you’re using it between two non-Koreans, or is fetishizing Korean men if you’re getting off on the idea of your partner being any Korean man just because he is Korean. So I definitely would not say “I have a noona kink” as a non-Korean. This is the main reason I stopped using noona in my reader insert stories. 
4. Pedophilia is a term that specifically means a sexual attraction to prepubescent children. I don’t know why the internet decided that attraction to 16 or 17 year olds or to anyone younger than you even if they are over 18 can be called pedophilia because it isn’t. Sexual activity with minors as an adult is morally abhorrent and wrong because of the power dynamics involved. But it is only pedophilia if the minors are children, not teenagers. And it definitely doesn’t apply when talking about a 25 year old crushing on a 20 year old. That’s not pedophilia. You are all adults. It bothers me when people use that term willy-nilly because it minimizes the trauma than can be done to children by predators by conflating it with other things that are less traumatic. 
5. It’s fine to have preferences but any preference becomes fetishistic when you only want that one thing to the exclusion of everything else. It’s fine to say you find younger men attractive and it’s fine to enjoy sexual power dynamics. It becomes fetishistic when you only date younger men because you need that power dynamic in order to get off. 
TLDR: Say you are attracted to younger men. Don’t use the phrase “noona kink”.
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astro-break · 3 years ago
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Right back at you: shipping, idol games, and Saint Seiya. :p
Ho boy i have opinions. I have so many opinions. Especially on the idol side lmao.
Shipping:
obligatory shipping is fiction and tag all your things correctly. Write what you want and ship what you want bc again shipping is what you think would look good together not what is canon or healthy. what you ship is not reflective of who you are, yeada yeada
1) shipping slash parings as a fixed pairings isn't a sin. yes irl the concept of fixed top and bottom is kind of ridiculous as an attempt to heteronormalize queerness and many couples switch but shipping is fiction. you're allowed to break away from reality as long as you're aware that gay couples irl don't conform to one set role
2) Shipnames like spiritshipping was cute even if it was hard to tell who was being shipped. confusing as all hell yes but still cute
3) Idk if this is unpopular or not but shipping is not inherently romantic? Its relationshipping, relationships come in all shapes and forms. You can absolutely pair characters together in platonic, familial, whatever manner you want. Shipping is not automatically romantic! (though please do tag your shit properly... i don't want to read a platonic relationship when im browsing the slash tags)
4) Polyculing a ship definitely doesn't solve every problem but it sure makes them more interesting!
5) My absolute favourite shipping trope of all time is when person A is head over heels obsessed with an oblivious person B, full on stalker, possessive, and pining so much you could probably grow a whole forest from it. What person A doesn't know is that person B is equally obsessed with them. God i love that so much, just two people so obsessed with each other that they don't care about morality, they are each others morality.
A slightly different but no less tasty flavour is that person B knows and enables person A for non-malicious reasons.
Idol Games:
1) idol games don't need to be dark to be fun please stop making everything dark and edgyTM sometimes we just need good fun songs and thats it
2) on the same vein but idol games with dark themes doesn't automatically make them good. I7 succeeded because it touched upon how fan culture is inherently toxic and the pressure that idols face both on a corporate and public front. Enstars was good because it tackled very real themes like self belonging, the aftereffects of bullying, unresolved trauma and the many many vicious cycles that arise from it, and capitalism. Just inserting dark themes willy nilly without care for what topics you're addressing will get you nowhere and just makes you seem silly and an asshole
3) The plot of forming an idol group to save your school is cheesy and overdone. Forming an idol group to save anything is just such a dumb plot point
4) a very enstars specific gripe: the sakuma's are vampires or at the very least use vampirism as a coping method to deal with a dominant genetic illness. They aren't human, never have been never will be.
Otherkin/copinglink in my hot takes? inconceivable
Other character hot takes include: Kanata is a fallen god who has lost his followers and those who try and worship him are doing it in a fundamentally wrong way thus never restoring his power. Only Madara knows how to properly worship Kanata but refuses to do so as he wants him to live as a human. Kuro is absolutely a dragon youkai and simply didn't want to think up of a convincing name and named himself dragon oni to throw everyone off. Mika is a discarded doll who is learning to be human. Sakasaki practices modern magick and does incorporate science in his magick, yes those two can exist together. The idea that flowers rejuvenates Ritsu actually makes sense? Flowers contain sugars and water which can be accessed through biting and are known to have herbal properties which would theoretically combat whatever genetic ailment they have. Rose petals specifically are associated with collagen and skin care which would be a perfect option to use in order to combat sunsickness. Flowers are also equated with youthfulness so yeah. it makes sense why flowers could act as an emergency store for vampires
5) idol game fandoms suck. plain and simple. you either get fanwars, character discourse, or kinnies and neither of them are things i have energy to deal with
Saint Seiya:
1) saint seiya was good in the sense that it was quintessential shounen. There is so much shounen gumption stored into those bronze boys its not even funny. Makes for a great template tho (its why every new StS series keeps adapting/remaking the 12 temples and nothing else...)
2) Poseidon and the Marina did very little wrong. Most of the Poseidon arc was kickstarted by Kanon who had a very valid reason for waking up a grumpy primordial (possibly cathonic?) god from his sleep. The other marina were protecting their home and following orders much like the bronze saints. It just so happens that their goals didn't quite align
3) Kuruma really doesn't do justice to any of the characters. theres so much potential in everyone to be really interesting but he just... doesn't deliver.... Silver saints, the secondary bronze saints, female saints, just those alone carry so much potential but nope. nothing is ever done with them. Marina and Spectres too. Even asgardians have so much going on that it is fascinating just to speculate on what they could do and what they could bring to the table.
4) Half of the StS experience is creating a whole cast of OCs for the universe. I feel like its a rite of passage at this point and its half of what makes staying in the fandom fun
5) If you don't treat the netflix adaption as an adaption and just as a standalone show its actually not that bad. y'all just want to hate
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agentelmo · 7 years ago
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The X-Files MSR Analysis Series: Season 1 Episode 4
“Conduit”
Previous episode analysis - 1x03 Squeeze.
This episode has some interesting developments for MSR, as it’s the first episode to delve into the Samantha Mulder backstory.  
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Not so much around what happened to Samantha, but what effect her disappearance had on Mulder and how that event has irrevocably altered who he is, and the course of his life.  The bulk of the MSR here is Scully watching over Mulder, and noticing his changes in behaviour; seeing for the first time how damaged Mulder truly is.
The opening of this episode always intrigued me because it grounds the X-Files in the rules and procedures of the FBI that subsequent seasons often gloss over.  Mulder submits a “302″ (a request to open a case file), as well as cover for travel expenses and there’s even a brief mention of Mulder’s ASAC (Assistant Special Agent in Charge) - who is Mulder’s current ASAC?  I don’t think we ever meet him/her.  
It’s kind of strange how in season 1 there is a strong sense of authority looming over the X-Files, like an axe waiting to drop, whereas later seasons you really do get the feeling they’ve just been left to their own devices, and that the only person they really answer to is Skinner - who for the most part, is pretty lenient with them.
The scene here with Blevins is good for observing the subtle shift that is occurring in Scully, away from loyalty to the FBI and the orders of her superiors, and towards loyalty to Mulder.  Blevins tries to find out what Scully knows of Mulder’s sister and she refuses to betray Mulder’s confidence - but then Blevins shows her that Mulder opened the X-File on his sister’s disappearance himself, so she feels a bit more at liberty to share what she knows.  Still, I like that she has no qualms with resisting a superior if it means remaining loyal to her partner.
Then Blevins tries to use Scully to undermine Mulder, and she sees straight through that shit.
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Scully is so great in this scene - we all need a BFF like Scully.  Being the utterly loyal BAMF that she is, without knowing Mulder’s reasoning, without any knowledge of the case, she puts herself out there to get the case opened simply because she trusts Mulder’s judgement.  
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She has faith in him that whatever has prompted him to submit this 302, there is a good reason for it - despite what others think - she doesn’t believe he’s a madman or a fool, and she’s willing to challenge her superior based on her faith in him.
Look at that, I can find MSR in any scene.  Can’t quite decide if that’s a talent or a curse.  
Now it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  Don’t deny it.
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Mulder, Mulder, Mulder... first, what colour is that shirt you’re wearing?  Did you put a yellow sock in with your whites?  
Second, GOOD LORD MAN.  He definitely gets a thrill out of flirting with her, because he’s pretty good at invading her personal space in surprisingly intimate ways - she’d have felt his breath on her face; that’s incredibly intimate.  What was he thinking?  Honestly, he probably wasn’t - I still genuinely believe he’s not aware of what he’s doing.  He probably doesn’t even think of it as flirting.  
Poor Scully - see her sharp intake of breath?  I know, I know, she’s exasperated with him but c’mon... if you had this guy come at you like that wouldn’t you have a little moment?  She even seems to take a split-second to consider this as she eyes his lips briefly.
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What?  Don’t look at me like that.  When you make gifs, you inevitably end up seeing scenes frame by frame... you can’t help but notice these things!
The fact she never challenges this behaviour is just more evidence that she is attracted to him, because Scully has more self-respect than to let a colleague get up in her space if she doesn’t want it.  Scully lets him get away with things like this repeatedly because 1. she’s comfortable with him - she trusts him and 2. she is professional enough to not let it interfere with their relationship or their work.  But fuck me, Mulder makes it hard for her.
Scully then lets Mulder play teacher with his projector.  Nawww, I miss overhead projectors.  They phased out using them in X-Files episodes eventually too, but watching Mulder give Scully a little presentation always makes my heart do a thing.
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He loves having someone to share this with, someone who is not just a skilled professional - a highly qualified scientist and doctor - but someone who looks at his work and applies their expertise faithfully.  She takes him and what he does seriously, her challenging him is proof of that.  
Honestly, I think he enjoys the challenge of proving the credibility of his theories under Scully’s scrutiny.  That way, this back and fourth that occurs between them serves the very useful purpose of grounding Mulder and also challenges him to work for his theory rather than just believe anything and everything willy nilly - which we know he would definitely do without someone to watch over him.  He enjoys it, but no doubt, it frustrates the fuck out of him sometimes too.
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Although surprisingly, he seems quite chill about it today.
Soooo... slightly veering away from MSR for a moment...
Welcome back to Mulder’s Kitchen, people!  
An interesting observation I made in this episode was that the apparent UFO sighting Mulder shows Scully on the projector from Lake Okobogee in 1967, looks awfully similar to a UFO we will see later in the series.
UFO From Lake Okobogee.
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UFO from Fight the Future.
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UFO from season 8′s This is Not Happening.
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What are the chances that these are all in fact, the same UFO?  
I always thought the FTF and This is Not Happening UFO were one in the same; that seems clear despite it seeming much bigger in FTF, but let’s just put that down to the SFX budget.  The possibility that the FTF UFO was previously involved in abductions in the 60′s is an interesting idea, and nicely ties the events of this episode into the greater mythology.  The mythology is always fun. I’m one of those rare unicorns that actually enjoys the mythology more than the stand alone episodes.  
I know, I know... hey, hands off the unfollow button!
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Mulder and Scully:  Getting to the front door at the same time since 1993.
Also, Scully low key checking Mulder out.  As you do.
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Once you’ve seen it, you just can’t unsee it.
The dynamics of the next scene are really interesting, and quite heartbreaking when you think of all the loss in the room.  Darlene Morris desperate for the return of her daughter Ruby, and Mulder, desperate to learn something that might lead to answers about what happened to Samantha.
Mulder is clearly very vulnerable walking into this house, the second he sees the Morris family photos, he’s transported to a time and a place that is long lost to him - and Scully sees his pain.
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In that moment he is no longer the Oxford-educated psychologist, criminal profiler, Special Agent of the FBI, Fox Mulder - he’s the lonely 12 year-old boy Fox Mulder.  Longing for connection to not just his missing sister, but to the life that was robbed from him when she was taken away.  The photos of a once happy family, triggering in him recollections of his own loss.
Recall that in the pilot, Mulder tells Scully that after Samantha’s abduction his family fell apart - nobody talked about what happened, so he never had the chance to come to terms with it.  
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We know later in the series that his parents divorce in the wake of what happened to Samantha, so effectively, his whole world was destroyed.  Imagine what that must be like for a 12 year-old child - the safety and security of home and family snuffed out in a single night then never addressed.  Hey kid, your life is now a hollow shadow of what it once was - deal with it.  He was just a boy with no capacity to deal with the enormity of what he had experienced, left to deal with the shattered pieces of his entire world - alone.
It may sound melodramatic, but I deal with this kind of childhood trauma all the time in my work, and the scars that are left can run very deep from far less traumatic experiences than Mulders.  It’s actually miraculous in some ways, that Fox Mulder became a functioning, highly-educated, and productive member of society.  
But he didn’t get off lightly, the consequence of his unresolved trauma is that these scars run so deep for him they are the greatest driving force in his life 20-odd years after the fact.  And tragically, we know they will continue to drive him for the next 20+ years into the future.  
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Well, this is cheery, isn’t it?  I could really brighten everyone’s day and tell you about my thoughts on what losing William did to compound Mulder’s trauma around the loss of love and family... but I’ll spare you that particular trauma.
We can see during the conversation with Darlene, that Mulder is still out of sorts - Scully is doing most of the talking.  They’re talking about the night her daughter Ruby was abducted from Lake Okobogee, then Darlene drops this on Mulder and he’s like a deer caught in headlights.
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Scully is again observing this change in Mulder and she’s worried for him; she’s never seen him like this before.
Also, can I just say quickly before we move on - that this kid is creepy AF.
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Scully continues to pick up on Mulder’s strange behaviour.
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Scully does try to approach this with him in an indirect way, letting him know gently she’s noticed his behaviour - but he brushes it off with his characteristic deflective humour.  Scully will have to be a bit more direct to get through to him on this one.
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Oh, quick intermission.
ZOMG HE TOUCHED HER BACK AGAIN!  Yep, the small-of-the-back-touching love affair continues.  This episode: Mulder goes in for the double-hander.
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This next bit makes me chuckle, because these NSA goons are looking for Mulder, so why did they break into Scully’s hotel room, and not Mulder’s?  
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Were the rumours of their sleeping together going around the bureau this early in the game?   Maybe they thought they’d be clever and break into her room and catch him?
We wish it were true, NSA goons... we really wish it were true.
But it’s all good, eventually they find our boy, Fox.
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Hoo boy.
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We interrupt this programme to bring you an important message: Mulder’s bed head is hot as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu--
Scully makes the mistake of ratting out creepy kid Kevin to the NSA and Mulder is frustrated at her actions.  The kid and his mother get hauled off in a somewhat uncomfortable scene, and Mulder looks around the Morris’ house, spotting from the window that their caravan has a scorched roof, which aligns with Darlene’s story of what happened on the night that Ruby disappeared.  He rushes off to investigate, while Scully stays at the window, watching him.
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All throughout this episode Scully has been watching Mulder.  She knows what’s going on for him, but doesn’t know how to approach it.
Upon discovering that creepy kid has somehow acquired to ability to write Bach in binary (a story thread that never gets resolved, by the way), Mulder rushes to meet Darlene Morris to apologise to her for the NSA involvement, but she’s not interested and is hostile towards him now.  She tells him to keep away from her and her son and Scully uncomfortably notices, yet again, that Mulder is being made more and more emotionally vulnerable by this case.
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Also, I gotta say it again... this creepy kid, man.  I feel like he would stab me up in my sleep.
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Please stop looking at me like that, creepy kid.
At this point, Mulder has become fixated on Kevin and Ruby, and believes creepy kid is a “conduit” (eeeeeeyyyy the episode title!) and that he is linked to who/what abducted Ruby.  Basically, Mulder thinks aliens are using Kevin as some kind of human TV aerial.
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The aliens wanted to catch season 8 of Game of Thrones but arrived on Earth in 1967 instead of 2018, so they’re pissed they’re having to wait 51 years for it to air and are amusing themselves by abducting people for their own entertainment purposes.
How’s that for a theory, Mulder?
Ok enough kidding around, serious talk now... serious stuff.
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Scully tries again to talk to Mulder about what is going on for him.  She knows what is driving him, and why he is obsessed with finding Ruby - but she leaves it unspoken.  It’s fairly clear that what she doesn’t say is that Mulder is seeing Samantha in Ruby.  
Scully tries to tell Mulder that there is no evidence of an abduction; tries to break him away from his fixation on saving her, but he is a man possessed.  
Does he obsess with saving Ruby to absolve himself of the guilt of not being able to save Samantha?  To get information from Ruby that might shed light on what happened to his sister?  Maybe both.  But he’s determined to see it through, and Scully, concerned with his welfare, has no choice but to see it through with him.
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I think this moment more than any other solidifies in Scully’s mind that Mulder isn’t just driven by wanting to know what happened to his sister; he’s in fact still deeply traumatised by her disappearance.
What Blevins suggested about Mulder’s personal agenda clouding his judgement is undeniable at this point, but she doesn’t use this knowledge against him - doesn’t write it in her report.  She can see and hear the pain he’s dealing with - this desperation to save Ruby is a clear window into his desperation to save his sister.
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She doesn’t have the heart to stop him after seeing that.  She feels for him.
Things eventually come to a head, as Mulder refuses to give up believing Ruby can be saved despite the fact they have a suspect with a motive for murder in custody.  Scully believes he’s so clouded that he can’t see what he’s doing - she can’t beat around the bush anymore, she has to come out and say it directly.
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What Scully comes to realise over the course of this episode, is that Mulder is a very damaged man.  The guilt of not being able to save Samantha seemingly drives Mulder to project his sister onto Ruby, and in fact, various vulnerable women throughout the series.  It’s a classic example of transference, to act out a trauma in similar scenarios with similar people in an attempt to resolve the distress it triggers.  But Mulder never seems to fully resolve this - as recently as the events of I Want to Believe Mulder is still looking for is sister in the faces of vulnerable, victimised women.
Compare the conversation Mulder and Scully have in I Want to Believe with the conversation above from Conduit.
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Even more recently, you also have Sveta in season 10′s My Struggle I, he is still compelled to save hapless women no matter the personal cost to himself.
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In fact, I’m certain the reason Scully says to Mulder “you know what you’re doing” in My Struggle I isn’t because of some childish jealousy, it’s because she knows what he’s like - she’s been going over this with him for enough years to know, and that’s why she tells him he knows what he’s doing too, because he’s done it enough times to know why he behaves this way without needing her to tell him.
Okay, quick, run!  Back to 1993.
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What we’re seeing here in Conduit, is Scully experience this traumatised side of Mulder for the first time.  Kinda makes you feel sorry for Conduit-Scully, doesn’t it?  She’s got a looooooooong hard road ahead of her with this shit.
So, moving on.  Mulder and Scully go looking for Darlene and creepy kid Kevin at Lake Okobogee, and on the drive there, Mulder admits - in a uniquely Mulderesque way - that she is right about him.
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Mulderesque meaning as avoidant and indirect as possible.
I found this story of Mulder’s childhood ritual incredibly sad, because it’s as I said before - as a 12 year-old boy, he was not emotionally equipped to deal with the aftermath of what happened, and so his 12 year-old mind dealt with it in the only way it could - through this child-like gesture of closing his eyes and believing that if he wished for it hard enough, that she would be there when he opened them again.  Hasn’t every kid done that; closed their eyes and wished?
Telling Scully this story is another defining point in their journey together.  Mulder is a closed book to most people around him, and the long pauses tell me he even finds it difficult to tell Scully this.  He’s not used to letting people get close - he fears it, because everyone he has loved has left him.  Especially if you consider that at this point, he has also not long ago lost Diana too.
Gag.
But little by little, Scully is breaking down the walls.  Even though she’s been challenging him every step of the way on this case, the one time she was right on the money was the most important time of all.  She’s right, he is chasing his sister and he knows it.  He knows what he’s doing; but can’t help himself.  
Telling Scully this story is his way of acknowledging that.
Mulder and Scully finally arrive at the lake and find Darlene, creepy kid and Ruby.  It first appears like Ruby was dumped by a biker gang, as she turns up unconscious in the forest just as the gang ride off.
SUPER FOX TO THE RESCUE!
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Am I the only one who can’t help but think of Mulder as a dad every time he’s in a scene with a kid, now?  In this bit with the biker gang, I couldn’t help but think of how awesome a dad he would have been.  Then I feel sad because William.
Honestly, the thing that pains me most about the X-Files these days isn’t that Mulder and Scully split, it’s that Mulder and Scully never got to be parents, because they would have been awesome at it.  
I think I need a little cry now.
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So in the end, Mulder was right - Ruby was alive.
Later in the hospital, Mulder notes that Ruby has a chemical imbalance which suggests she had experienced prolonged weightlessness.  Which means unless she was hanging out with the Biker Mice from Mars, she probably wasn’t with the bikers - that she actually was abducted.  But it is strange when you consider the greater mythology, which posits that all “alien” abductions are actually abductions by the government using ARVs to carry out their alien-human hybrid project.
So who abducted Ruby and took her into friggin’ space then?!  Some other bored aliens I guess??  The Bounty Hunters on a joyride?
Mulder desperately tries to get Ruby to talk about what happened to her, but she refuses.
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Darlene arrives to put the kibosh on any further abduction-talk, and Mulder is bereft. He needs to know what happened to Ruby - he’s trying to make sense of what happened to his sister through Ruby, and he can’t make sense of it.  He’s once again, left open - highly vulnerable, and Scully doesn’t know what to do to help him.
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Neeee nawww it’s the grammar police!  I think you mean ‘important to whom’, Darlene.
Scully is again left to observe Mulder’s pain, and is powerless to do anything to ease it, the door is being shut in his face and there’s nothing either of them can do about it.
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The hand she physically places on his shoulder here I always felt was a symbolic gesture of their friendship at this point - she’s protecting him, keeping him safe.  Mulder no doubt feels very alone at this moment, but she’s been there for him, watching over him, supporting him through this whole thing; without her being there to protect him from himself, I suspect Mulder would have done something he would have later regretted.  
To see it properly, I needed to make a full 24fps gif, but watch as she grasps his shoulder - the way she soundlessly mouths Mulder’s name and lets out a breath she was holding in.  She can see what will happen next if she doesn’t stop him.  It’s all Scully can do for him now.
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Gotta, say, Gillian Anderson is phenomenal, isn’t she?  Just that tiny acting choice made such a difference to the power of this moment - the awareness she gives Scully of how vulnerable Mulder is and how he’s not thinking straight - she has to think for him - to protect him.  I don’t often talk about the acting, I analyse this like they are real people - because that’s what I do - but I just had to mention this because it’s so subtle yet so affecting.  Bravo Gillian.
Now, for the final scenes of the episode.  This is where I am going to get highly interpretive, so I fully expect some of you to not share my views on this. 
I believe the final scenes of this episode reflect the balance of influences in Mulder’s life.  The trauma of his sister’s abduction and Scully.
I don’t want to make this too much about Scully, even though this is an MSR analysis and I have a talent for making everything about MSR ha.  But I do think there is a dichotomy at play here.
The past - Samantha; and the future - Scully. Hurt and healing.
Scully wants to help Mulder, she doesn’t see him as just a work colleague anymore.  She wants to help him if she can.  She listens to his regression hypnosis tapes; trying to understand – she’s come to care about him a great deal at this point.
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She writes no report, doesn’t share any of what happened with Blevins, her focus is on this damaged man.  Beyond superficial attraction and professional loyalty she wants to try to be there for him - as a friend.
Then it’s our first time to see Fox Mulder break down.  He’s sitting in a church, staring at a childhood photograph.  It’s significant, I think, that the photo is of both of them, not just Samantha.  He’s mourning for not just her, but for the boy he once was, for the promise of a life he once had.
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It always intrigued me that Mulder found himself sitting in a church, since we know from various bits of dialogue throughout the series that Mulder is almost certainly an atheist.  He isn’t aware of Scully’s Catholicism at this point, so his being there is ultimately an unexplained anomaly.
So stepping away from the characters again - twice in one analysis! - I wonder if it’s a symbolic choice by Chris Carter.  Because Scully is wearing a cross from the pilot, so her faith was always a planned part of her character.  
My interpretation, then?  
It’s the dichotomy of influences in his life I mentioned earlier being visually represented.  He’s alone in his grief, holding the symbolic representation of his trauma - a photograph of his lost childhood.  But there is always that comforting presence, he always has Scully to look out for him, even in his darkest moments - and as the seasons progress, we see this bear out.  I like to think of Mulder being in the church as a symbol of Scully watching over him, just as she has watched over him throughout this episode.
Well shit, that was a long one. The longest yet I think?  I seriously hope this is not going to be a continuing trend!  I think there are some episodes, especially in the early seasons where things are happening for the first time which means it will take me a bit more work to get into the characters heads.  Also, this episode had a lot of heavy Mulder-centric stuff, but I think it ties into his relationship with Scully in many ways, so I hope I was able to effectively represent that.
Next up.  1x05 - Jersey Devil.
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whipplefilter · 7 years ago
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what if fillmore died or was killed by something after getting into a really terrible close to friendship ending argument that leaves everyone feeling horrible after with sarge before the two could make up? how did fillmore die? how does sarge cope with the grief of losing his very best friend?does he feel like it was his fault even if there was nothing to do to control it? did he have any regrets? how does everyone else react? what were fillmore's last words? how did the funeral go?
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As unlikely as it might seem, all of these ideas are addressed in some form in this fic. Warnings: major character death, PTSD, grief/trauma. Just remember, anon–YOU asked for deathfic!
Fic: Tripmaster
All cars die alone. That’s just the way it is.
Maybe your engine blows, or your battery dies. Maybe it’s something less dramatic–you’re getting your suspension replaced, and the mechanic leaves the garage but you’re not ready. Maybe you’re in the desert, and something breaks. Timing belt? And you’re alone.
You can’t move.
But see, you’re a car. You are motion. You are an assemblage of parts and you are meant to move and your engine is meant to pump and your fluids are meant to run and you’re supposed to move through your gears and generate kinetic, electric, everything heat–you are a machine and you are a spirit and if you are not that machine, if you are not that system existing in that car-ish way of yours, then your spirit cannot stay.
If you are alone, then no one can call for help. There is nothing to remind you what you are, and your spirit unmoors. Give it enough time, and it leaves.
Your parts can be replaced, and your body repaired. But your spirit is a delicate thing, and if it loses the pulse of your machine-ness, then it departs.
And so do you.
That was always the threat, back in the war. Sarge remembers the POW camp, and marching through the jungle to get there. The hot breath of it as the humidity ate at their canvas and surely other, deeper things besides. It wasn’t uncommon to overheat, or flood.
We will march you until you break, their captors threatened.
Then we will leave you. And you will die alone.
There are days when the memory hurts as much as the death march had. On these days, Sarge separates. He becomes one young soldier in the jungle and an old one in the desert. He folds all his fear and pain into this young Jeep and he abandons this younger self in time. He leaves his anger in another version of himself, patrolling the halls of the VA past door after door of broken promises and robberies of war.
He leaves his happiness sometimes, in a frozen version of himself he’d give the world to never have to leave like that: A Sarge full of laughter and precious memories. But these memories he cannot take with him without also taking memories of death, and so he abandons them too. Perhaps it’s better this way, though. The pain he leaves behind should have something bright to keep it company.
Sarge closes his eyes and he accepts that sometimes the only way to live through pain is to desert it. Cover its grave.
Pain isn’t supposed to happen here, though. Not now. Not in Radiator Springs.
But here he is at a funeral in the desert.
He pushes sand over the grave, just like everyone else.
He buries his best friend.
It wasn’t supposed to be Fillmore.
Lizzie will probably live forever, but he, and Doc, and Sheriff–they each had some sense of their own mortality.
Sarge had 20 years on Fillmore. He was never supposed to be the one to bury him.
Sarge stands sentry above Willy’s Canyon, staring out at Willy’s Butte as the sun comes down over it. It goes warm red, purple. Catches fire with a spirit all its own.
He thinks, Fillmore likes bonfires.
Maybe in some past, with some cautiously jubilant Sarge (whom Sarge must leave now, must bury with all the rest), Fillmore still does.
Maybe he still does.
It’s 2011, when Fillmore dies. In a few months, Sarge will turn 70. (Fillmore never will.)
Lightning just turned five. Sarge doesn’t remember what it was like to be that young; it’s possible he never was. By five, Sarge had seen a World War won and many, many lives lost.
Lightning’s never even thought about death before. He’s acting like he just rolled off the line.
“Why was he out in the desert?” Lightning asks, brow furrowed and heart broken. “Why was he alone? What did he say to you? Did he tell you?”
The question Lightning really wants to ask is Why is Fillmore gone? but he’s at least old enough to know that there is no good answer to that one. There never is.
Truthfully, if Radiator Springs knew why Fillmore had been out in the desert alone like that, it would destroy them. They might never recover.
“Are you annoyed with all these questions?” Lightning asks, when Sarge stays silent.
“We had a fight,” Sarge answers truthfully, even as he knows he shouldn’t.
They’d had a fight, and that’s why Fillmore had gone out to the desert. That’s why he’d wanted to be alone. Why no one had been able to find him in time.
“It’s my fault,” says Sarge.
“No, it’s not,” says Lightning.
It is, though. Lightning means to be kind but the only reason his insistence comes so quick and so urgent is because it it is any other way, Radiator Springs could not hope to handle it. The town is made of gentler things than truth. And so, it can’t be anyone’s fault their friend is gone. The world could never be that dark.
But Sarge is not five. He is not fifty. He remembers the Bataans and the Koreas and so very many horrible things this one sweet town could never dream. And it’s his fault that Fillmore is dead.
In his dream, Sarge drowns in a vortex of water. Then he’s awake in the sky, high above the canyons. His vision is crosshairs–he’s a bomber. No, surveillance. He’s an aircraft. He’s flying high above the canyons, red gray orange, and in his head, Fillmore corrects, “it’s more of an ombre burnt sienna, wouldn’t you say?”
He is looking for Fillmore.
More to the point, he is finding him.
Sarge could have found him, if he’d taken to the sky. If he’d been born a plane, none of this would have happened. He could have saved his friend.
It’s his fault.
He should have been born a plane.
Every night, Sarge dreams of flight.
It’s his fault.
Imagine him, in the desert alone. He has to know he will die; Fillmore’s always been very attuned to such things. He’s seen drugs rip spirits from bodies; he’s seen rust do it, too–poverty. Bullets. Fillmore knew death, perhaps even better than Sarge. (Sarge, who splits it away from him. Locks it away until it comes howling back, scraping at his door. It’s what they’d fought about, that day.)
He’s in the desert, alone.
Sarge can’t imagine any more than that. he He can’t imagine Fillmore’s last words, last thoughts. What peace he’d made during his last few moments, under the sun and moon in the desert. All Sarge can think about is he was alone.
He was alone.
He was alone.
He was alone.
–and we will leave you here to die.
Fillmore died alone.
Sally’s headed to the county seat. She has to file the death certificate.
“Whoa, alone?!” Lightning’s panic is evident.
Sally starts to cry.
Sally doesn’t want to think about it. She doesn’t want to be afraid. She wasn’t want to remember that Fillmore is gone and it’s the desert–their desert!–that took him, even though her errand is his death certificate and that means of course she has to think about it. She’s like Sarge in that way; she needs to be apart from the reality of that. Just for now. Just to keep her head above the sorrow.
Lightning’s not like that at all.
This is something the two of them probably cannot understand, but they’re not good for each other in this moment. Probably neither of them want to think about that, either. It feels like everything is falling apart.
“Stanley and I were never married, you know,” Lizzie says out of the blue, or maybe not. It’s hard to tell with her. Sometimes it feels like stories get knocked out of here like they’re dominoes in a line.
It shouldn’t matter. Married, not married. Here’s the town and there is Stanley’s statue, which Lizzie loves so much. But today it feels sad, and it feels like everything falling apart.
Because Radiator Springs is meant to be happy and its founding myths are of romance, of passion, and bliss. But Fillmore is dead and under that cloud, even the small things feel like a miracle tumbling down. Turning to dust.
Sally does not go to the county seat.
Sometimes when Sarge dreams that he is flying, his engine stalls. He spirals down and down and down.
As he falls he thinks, this is unforgivably sad. He is going to die, and Fillmore is going to die, and the whole town–this will destroy them.
This is all so unforgivably sad.
Then he wakes up. He’s not dead.
He is still unforgivably sad.
Maybe one day, Sarge will wake up and the town will wake up and there will be a rhythm to their lives again. This is probably true. But it’s not true today, and when Sarge wakes up he’s sucked into a sea of overwhelming dread. Not that there’s anything to confront today but its emptiness. It’s just so, so impossible to think realistically about a comfortable future because today is not fine, today is not good. Tomorrow won’t be either. And that feeling is inescapable.
Today, it does not matter if it’s going to be okay or not.
‘Going to be’ won’t buy you nothing.
Today, this pain is endless. The logic of time, the future, eventualities–none of it matters. Loss does not care about logic.
So Sarge drives out to the desert. Sarge drives to the place where they’d found him. Where they’d found his body. It’s just a stretch of dirt like any other, somewhat off the road. Maybe it had been a good place for stargazing, or sunset contemplation. To Fillmore, one night, some weeks ago, it had been a nice place. It had been a place he’d wanted to be. Now, of course, it’s haunted.
Sarge is certain it had not been where Fillmore had wanted to die.
Sarge is not alone.
When he leaves, due east, Radiator Springs follows. Together they cast long shadows down the road, one meeting the next until they form a jagged, spindly crack of shadow that stretches from town to the place–that place–and together they live in their grief, which cannot be outrun it cannot be skipped over it cannot drift gently away from its dock.
Maybe one day, this will pass. Tonight, that future does not matter.
When Sarge dreams that night, he is flying.
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healthyeating43-blog · 6 years ago
Text
Why Am I so Tired All the Time?
New Post has been published on https://dietguideto.com/awesome/why-am-i-so-tired-all-the-time/
Why Am I so Tired All the Time?
Table of Contents
Why Am I so Tired ? Why Do I Get Tired After I Eat ? Why Am I Always Tired and Cold ? Why Do I Wake Up Tired ? Why Am I Always Tired and Sleepy ? Why Am I so Tired in the Morning ? Practical Answers to Help Prevent Feeling Tired
Easy Tips for Sleeping Better at Night Dealing With Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Ketogenic Diet for Better Overall Health
Fatigue Can Come From Anywhere, but There Are Ways to Keep It at Bay
Have you ever asked yourself, “Why am I so tired all the time? ” If the answer is yes, there are many possible reasons why you’re feeling this way. Fatigue can impact your life to the point where it’s negatively affecting your work, relationships and other aspects. Read on to learn the health risks causes and how they can be addressed.
Why Am I so Tired?
There are many possible reasons for why you feel tired all the time. Some causes are very simple and easy to address, while others may be rooted in chronic conditions that require a more thorough approach. Here are some of the more common reasons: 1
Lack of sleep — One of the more common reasons why people feel tired is chronic sleep deprivation. A good night’s sleep can give you the energy you need to do your day-to-day activities but, according to the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention( CDC ), 1 in 3 adults doesn’t get enough of rest. 2
Unhealthy diet — When you eat healthy food, your body is better able to perform at its peak. Conversely, unhealthy foods can contribute to a loss of energy and cause you to feel drained. For example, junk food with added sugars and carbs and other sugar-rich foods can cause spikes in your blood sugar levels, which can lead to sugar crashes that result in wearines. 3
Sedentary lifestyle — Not moving around can actually construct “youre feeling” more tired. According to one study, you can actually boost your energy levels even by just performing 21 to 40 minutes of moderate-intensity exercising. 4
Aside from the ones mentioned above, tirednes can come from myriad underlying medical conditions. The listing below sheds light on the more common perpetrators: 5
Acute liver failure — Research was indicated that fatigue stems from changes in neurotransmission within the brain. One suggestion is that a patient’s psychological well-being can manifest in feelings of fatigue after a diagnosis of cirrhosis or liver failing is corroborated. 6
Anemia — Fatigue may develop due to your body being starved of oxygen, when you don’t make enough red blood cells to transport oxygen throughout your body efficiently. 7
Traumatic brain injury — Fatigue is a common complication after experiencing a brain trauma. Mental fatigue can occur because the brain is trying to process plenty of information but cannot do so efficiently. 8
Cancer — Tumors can produce cytokines that cause tiredness. Other cancers can slow down the production of red blood cell, which can result in anemia. 9
Chronic fatigue syndrome — The fatigue caused in this cancer may stem from immune system problems, hormonal imbalances or viral infections. 10
Chronic kidney disease — Fatigue may manifest as a symptom of chronic kidney disease due to anemia and rednes. 11
Concussion — Suffering from a concussion may give you mental tirednes. You may feel that your reactions are slower or that routine tasks suddenly become difficult. 12
Chronic obstructive pulmonary cancer — Patients suffering from COPD develop fatigue due to impaired lung function, which may impact their quality of life. 13
Depression — Negative feelings such as sadness, hopelessness and helplessness can lead to sleep problems, which eventually lead to tirednes. 14
Diabetes — This metabolic disease can cause dehydration or kidney cancer, both of which can eventually cause fatigue. 15
Emphysema — Shortness of breath is one the more common symptoms of this condition, which can eventually make “youre feeling” tired since you’re absence energy. 16
Fibromyalgia — The ache in your muscles when fibromyalgia strikes can result in fatigue afterward. 17
Grief — According to a report from The Atlantic, bereavement can weaken the immune system due to the stress you may be experiencing from the loss of a loved one, and leave you feeling too tired. 18
Heart disease — Defects in the way your heart works, such as a cardiac infection, can cause weakness or wearines. 19
Hyperthyroidism — An overactive thyroid may cause muscle weakness, which immediately leads to wearines. 20
Hypothyroidism — An underactive thyroid can affect your biological processes in many ways, such as constructing you feel tired all the time. 21
Inflammatory bowel disease( IBD) — Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis, the two illness that make up IBD, can cause tirednes due to the ache experienced by the patient. In other cases, it is a side effect of rednes or a nutritional inadequacy. 22
Medications — Many drugs can cause fatigue as a side effect. Common instances include antihistamines, antidepressants, anxiety medications, beta-blockers and opioids. 23
Multiple sclerosis( MS) — Eighty percent of people affected with MS develop tirednes as a complication, and it can reach a point where it affects a person’s quality of life and ability to work. 24
Obesity — Having excess weight in your body can induce normal activities harder to do, which can tire you out quicker. It can also cause joint and muscle ache. 25
Stress — Emotional stress can take a toll on your physical well-being, which can lead to tirednes. 26
Why Do I Get Tired After I Eat?
Feeling sleepy after a meal is common for many people throughout the world. In other countries, such as Spain, cultural practices have revolved around this phenomenon. Spaniards usually take short midday or afternoon naps, known as “siestas, ” often after a large lunch. 27 Dozing off may feel great after a big dinner, but why does this happen?
According to a report from HuffPost, the main reason people feel tired after a meal is because the body employs moderate amounts of energy to digest the food. Once food enters the belly, your body undergoes several process that can result in sleepiness. 28
Another reason why you feel tired after feeing is the intake of carbohydrates. Once digested, carbohydrates convert into glucose that enter your bloodstream. This causes spikes in insulin production, which cause tryptophan to move into the brain. From there, tryptophan causes your brain to create more serotonin and melatonin, which are hormones responsible for pacifying and stimulating “youre feeling” sleepy. 29
Why Am I Always Tired and Cold?
In some lawsuits, you may feel cold or experience shivers at the same hour as fatigue. One probable cause for this is hypothyroidism, a condition wherein your thyroid gland doesn’t build enough hormones. As a outcome, you may feel tired and cold all the time, and may notice gradual weight gain. A blood test can help determine whether you have this condition or not. 30 There are other cancers that may simultaneously cause shivering and wearines, such as :P TAGEND
Anemia — A condition wherein your body doesn’t have enough red blood cells to transport oxygen throughout your body, leading to other symptoms such as dizziness, irregular heartbeats, pale skin and shortness of breath3 1
Tuberculosis — A bacterial illnes that infects the lungs, causing symptoms such as chest pain, night sweats, blood in the coughing and fever3 2
Flu — Becoming infected by the influenza virus can cause fatigue and shiverings, as well as headaches and muscle aches3 3
Toxic shock syndrome — A life-threatening illnes that occurs when bacteria enter the bloodstream and releases toxins. Aside from fatigue and colds, the condition may also cause drowsiness, diarrhea, breathing problems and a high fever3 4
Why Do I Wake Up Tired?
Getting a full night’s sleep is one of the best ways of building you feel invigorated for the upcoming day. But sometimes, even if you do get enough shuteye, you may still wake up tired. This frustrating experience can put you in a bad mood, and there are several probable causes for this phenomenon :P TAGEND
Restless leg syndrome( RLS) — Also known as Willis-Ekbom disease, RLS causes uncomfortable sensations in your legs with an irresistible exhort to move them. It often occurs late at night, which can disrupt your sleep. 35
Irregular circadian rhythm — Your circadian rhythm is largely responsible for dictating when you should be awake and sleep, and it is influenced by several physical and environmental stimuli. Having an irregular sleep pattern can result in absence of sleep or an excess of it. 36
Diabetes — Diabetics tend to wake up at night several times to urinate, thus preventing them from getting a consistent good night’s sleep. 37
Why Am I Always Tired and Sleepy?
If you’re getting a full night’s sleep, but you still feel tired all the time, you may have a condition known as chronic fatigue syndrome( CFS or myalgic encephalomyelitis ), a long-term illness affecting many biological processes that prevents you from performing at your full potential. Some of its most common symptoms include: 38,39, 40
Severe fatigue not improved by rest Problems in sleeping Post-exertional malaise, a condition wherein the symptoms worsen after physical or mental activity Cognitive problems Muscle pain Dizziness Unrefreshing sleep Sore throat Nausea Recurring sinus problems
Experts are not sure of the exact cause of CFS, and coming up with an accurate diagnosis are likely to be problematic at times because the symptoms often mirror other diseases. However, an article published by Harvard Health Publishing mentions that people affected with CFS typically have abnormalities in the brain, especially the hypothalamus and the pituitary gland. Other illness that can be confused with CFS include: 41
Hypothyroidism
Side consequences from medications
Cancer
Sleep apnea
Heart ailment
Adrenal insufficiency
Mental ailments such as schizophrenia, depression or bipolar disorder
Eating ailments
Why Am I so Tired in the Morning?
Sometimes, when you wake up, you can’t assist but feel tired already. According to Gary L. Wenk, Ph.D ., a prof at The Ohio State University, there are several factors that influence your tirednes in the morning: 42
Neurobiological aspect — While you’re dreaming during rapid-eye motion( REM) sleep, the brain devours large quantities of adenosine triphosphate( ATP ). As ATP meets in your brain, the degree of drowsiness increases.
Time of sleep — Biding up late at night and waking up late can affect sleep quality and influence daytime dysfunction. In young person, late-night sleeping is associated with a smaller hippocampal sizing, an effect known to impair learning and memory function.
Your partner — Evidence suggests that who you sleep beside can influence your quality of rest. According to Wenk, women who are sharing a bed with a man are more likely to experience negative sleep quality, even if preceded with sexual intercourse. Man, on the other hand, do not experience loss of sleep efficiency.
Practical Solutions to Help Prevent Feeling Tired All the Time
As you have learned, there are many reasons why you’re feeling tired all the time and, as such, there are multiple approaches to help mitigate this problem.
Easy Tips for Sleeping Better at Night
It’s easy to give into temptation and reach for sleeping pills to get effective remainder, but there’s actually no need for that. You merely need to focus on optimizing your melatonin production. Melatonin is a hormone secreted from your pineal gland, and is responsible for letting your body know whether it’s night or day. The following practises can help improve sleep without you needing to expend a single dollar on anything :P TAGEND
Avoid use electrical devices an hour before bed — Gadgets such as TVs and cellphones emit blue lighting, which tricks your brain into thinking it’s still daytime. Attain it a habit to stop using these devices by 9 p. m ., as this is the time when your brain starts secreting melatonin.
Get regular sunlight exposure — Your pineal gland also plays a role in your sleep cycle. By get regular sunlight exposure, your pineal gland creates melatonin roughly in approximation to the contrast of bright sunshine exposure in the day and complete darkness at night. Another benefit of sunlight exposure is making vitamin D that benefits your health.
Sleep in complete darkness — Even the slightest glimmer of sunlight from any source can disrupt your body clock while you’re sleep. It’s important that you move all light sources at least 3 feet away from your bed. These include cellphones and radio clocks.
Install a low-wattage light at night if needed — Using a low-powered yellow, orange or red light bulb for navigating in the darkness will not hamper melatonin production.
Maintain optimal room temperature — Research indicates that the ideal room temperature for best sleep is between 60 to 68 degrees Fahrenheit.
Don’t rely on loud alarm clocks — Being jolted awake by loud audios can emphasize you out first thing in the morning. If you get regular sleep, you might not even need an alarm clock because your body is following a natural routine.
Take a hot bath 90 to 120 minutes before sleeping — The bath increases your body temperature. When you step out of the bathroom, the drop in temperature signals your body that it is ready to sleep.
Get sun exposure in the morning — Uncovering yourself to sunlight once you wake up sends a strong message to your internal clock that the working day has started. This builds your body less likely to be confused by weaker light signals once the night arrives.
Remove sources of electromagnetic fields( EMFs) in your bedroom — EMFs can hamper melatonin production and cause a host of other health problems in the long run. Ideally, you should turn off devices in your room that emit EMFs before sleeping, such as your wireless router.
Dealing With Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Since the cause of CFS has not been determined, modern medication has been stymied in procuring a cure. Instead, therapy focuses on managing the symptoms use various approaches to help maintain a certain level of quality of life. Here are some safe approaches that you can employ: 43
* Pain management techniques — Patients affected with chronic fatigue syndrome often feel pain in their muscles and joints, thus causing them to feel tired constantly. Here are some techniques you can try to help manage pain :P TAGEND
* Acupuncture — This ancient art is still practiced today, as evidence shows that it may help offer drug-free pain relief. 44
* Removing grains and sugar from your diet — Avoid grain- and sugar-based foods, as they can increase insulin resistance that can lead to chronic inflammation.
* Consume high-quality omega-3 fats — Research has shown that omega-3 fats from krill oil or wild-caught Alaskan salmon can help manage pain, as well as offer other health benefits.
* Get sun exposure — Aside from optimizing melatonin production, exposure to sunlight creates vitamin D in your body, a nutrient that has anti-inflammatory and pain-relieving benefits.
* Emotional Freedom Techniques( EFT ) — EFT can help bring out and resolve negative emotions that are mentally taxing you due to the pain you’re experiencing.
* Cognitive behavior therapy — Consult with an experienced counselor to help you figure out what behavioral changes need to be made in your life regarding your current health condition. You may need to adjust your work, school or pastimes, while also crafting a support system that can help you feel you’re in control of your life.
* Adjust your feeing habits — It’s no surprise that eating healthy, organic food is one technique to help boost your health. But equally important is how you consume your meals, especially in the context of CFS. Here are some tips-off to follow: 45
* Eat small, frequent dinners, at least every three to four hours
* Eat around five one section of fruits and vegetables every day
* Keep healthy snacks around in case you crave something to eat
* Maintain a healthy weight by adjusting your diet; for example, a ketogenic diet can help this
* Graded exercise therapy( GET) 46 — The aim of GET is to gradually improve your ability in carrying out a physical undertaking. Exercisings involve increasing your heart rate, such as stroll or swimming until you get better.
The program will depend on your current capabilities, and it will be carried out with the assistance of an experienced physical therapist.
* Take care of your mental health — CFS can also take a toll on your mental health. Depression, stress and anxiety are common mental issues that come with CFS. Trying guidance from a mental health professional can help improve your overall well-being as well. 47
* Orthostatic intolerance — In some cases, people with CFS may experience orthostatic fanaticism, which is marked by frequent dizziness and lightheadedness, changes in vision, weakness and a feeling that your heart is too fast. When these symptoms appear, your doctor might refer you to a cardiologist or neurologist to determine the appropriate therapy course. 48
Try the Ketogenic Diet for Better Overall Health
In a study published in Medical Hypotheses, researchers indicate a possible cause of chronic fatigue syndrome is mitochondrial dysfunction due to the activation of immune-inflammatory pathways that burden the mitochondria. The researchers went on to suggest that the ketogenic diet may help in reducing the symptoms of CFS. 49
The ketogenic diet is an feeing scheme wherein the majority of your calories come from healthy fats and moderate quantities of protein, while sugar and carbohydrate intake are minimise as much as possible. As a result, your body enters a state known as nutritional ketosis, wherein it begins to burn fat as the main energy source instead of glucose.
Numerous studies suggest that the ketogenic diet can be good for most people, as it may assist assist with weight management, 50 oppose rednes, 51 reduce appetite5 2 and manage insulin levels, 53 which can be very beneficial for diabetics( one major cause of wearines ). To get you started, here are a few of the best foods you can eat, broken down by category :P TAGEND
Fats — Coconut oil, raw grass fed butter, wild-caught Alaskan salmon, extra virgin olive oil, avocados and organic pasture-raised eggs
Protein — Grass fed red meats, pasture-raised eggs, cooked beans, and various seeds and nuts
Vegetables — Broccoli, spinach, kale, arugula and Brussels buds
Nuts — Macadamia, pecan, walnut and Brazil nuts
Beverages — Filtered water, organic black coffee and coconut milk
Fatigue Can Come From Anywhere, but There Are Ways to Keep It at Bay
Fatigue can strike you at any time, so it’s important to know how you are able to treat it. There are plenty of ways to help manage fatigue, such as getting quality sleep and feeing a healthy diet. You may also enlist the help of medical professionals to work with issues that you are unable to address on your own.
Ultimately, you have the power to decide what approach to take, but it’s also important to be open to suggestions so you can come up with the best plan to remain awake and alert.
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