#sometimes writing is useless bec. of the people who do this

[regulusrules]

Man do you ever like over-obsess for a straight month on a chapter in your fic, bleed yourself in writing the best you can for it, overthink every single word in it, but then entitlement 101 guest arrives

[jennyyyeeettt]

stuff i learned more on the internet than irl

get a drink

you are unique, you are a part of the universe.

don't change, unless it's for the better and it makes you feel good

real friends care about you

what you need is more important than what you want

you write your own story, don't let others decide for you

there's no shame in being who you truely are, whoever doesn't respect that doesn't deserve your time

be proud of the little things you did bec. 5% is better than 0%

nothing lasts forever, so choose to "seize the day"//carpe diem boys//

if you are not where you are try to get there with plans and imaginatioins

imagine ur best self and show up as them

nothing is wrong with you, you are loved. bec there are many people in the world u didn't meet. and there's no way you are not someone's type

you are not ugly, u r just bored of ur face bec u see it everyday since you've been born and u hearedthe comments on it

stay nice or quiet, everyone has their battles

no mattar how much u think you are fucked up rn, months later things will change and u will forget about it

grief doesnt go away with time, time just teaches us to "deal with it"

just bec it doesn't hurt anyone, doesn't mean it's ok

karma is real, she just takes time and sometimes works secretly

romantic love isn't more important than platonic love

just bec someone is doing it, does't mean you HAVE to

if the story doesn't fit you, change something about it

being "private" is not the same as being "secretive" in relationships

before jumping to conclusions, ask and discuss, -with a good, none threatening tone-

love changes a person, even if it's not quickly

not being productive doesn't mean being worthless

being in a slump is not being lazy

everyone is an addict to something

treat yourself like you would a child every now and then and be a better parent to yourself

you are gorgeous anyways, so don't care what others say

if you fail, try again! it does't define you, it's not a part of u, it's like a game.. when a game says "game over" you just reply it

labels are so overrated, don't stress about it.. u do u

distance is a bitch, unless its distancing from toxic ppl and behaviours

love is not selfish love is understanding and comprimizing

saying i love you is not dangerous when its used with the right people

words of affermation ACTUALLY IS IMPORTANT

a "hopeless case" is never "hopeless"

the person they called "useless", made someone's day and helped them through a tough life

life is short, take risks, tell the people that you love how much they mean to you. no time for being fake.

idk if i already said that but fake it till u make it fr fr bro

push yourself bec no one else will, but also be kind to yourself -very difficult balance- IF you read all that, i hope you at least saw a thing that was helpful, I learned them literally from the internet (friends and communities and all) and I've been doing that for the past 2 years and they work with me, i didnt realize them at first but being a bit of a self critic i realized these stuff, even people now started to point it out. me and one of my fav internet bsff realized how we changed over the years and talking to their mom she also noticed it and its just so great to see how we both affected eachother and encouraged eachother to be better ... nothing is better than to find a home in yourslef .. doesnt mean it doesnt get tough sometimes, doesnt mean that i dont struggle with anything, but we are all humans, overall all we do is change and grow and its either to the best or not, it gets hard, but good relationships fixes the broken parts over time .. im so grateful for my family aka my internet besties :3 its 5 30 am and i need to sleep .. got a bit emotional lol :') hope yall have a good day/night take care

[twotangledsisters]

One-Shots or AUs within an AU I kinda wanna do.... but haven't decided yet

Because I have no chill and was trained to write at bullet speed from the age of seventeen (most random of facts about me, but at 17 I used to write what was essentially Minecraft fanfics for a living. You ever read one of those gaming magazines for kids? They have the little stories in them. Ever wondered who wrote them? Apparently random 17 year olds willing to work for a lot less than adults but sure did boost my confidence), here are some of the fics my heart wants me to take a shot at.

1.- Outlaws! There's a throw away joke in Two Princesses from Eugene about how instead of returning to Corona he should have taken the girls to become thieves!

And, it's a joke but... how cool would Eugene teaching Cassandra to fight and steal be? How cute would Rapunzel questioning each stolen item and their impact be?

And then I wrote it down, BIG MISTAKE, and realized I could do a whole thing with Cassandra stealing from The Baron because stealing from thieves isn't wrong (probably Eugene's words), then they're in big trouble. They decide to take down The Baron as the trio they are and... I have more plans but incase I write it I'll leave it there.

2.- What if the guards weren't so useless? Frederic and Arianna getting to be raise children? What if the guards managed to track down the tower WAY earleir.

Imagine the guards raiding the tower, Cassandra hitting the guards with her broken broom absolutely terrified, protecting Rapunzel. They bring the two girls down from the tower, Arianna is of course immediately like, "We keep both of them together."

Imagine little Cass and Raps running around the palace. Imagine them sitting on Frederic's lap while he is doing royal duties because they want to be with their parents? The advisers talking about boring stuff making them fall asleep. I just want more fluff.

3.- Knights. A knight comes to visit Corona and although Cassandra has accepted the guards as Corona's knights, the armour and the sword and the horse looks straight out of her storybooks. She starts to ask him questions and follow him around and is just cute and excited.

Knight-man seems a bit uncomfortable but Cassandra is the princess so he allows it, until he finds out Rapunzel is the crowned princess and decides Cass isn't worth his time, telling her she's annoying and can go away.

Captain finds her with her sword in the training area moping and he tells her he finds her enthusiasm endearing and some people weren't worth her time.

(Not sure exactly where in the timeline this goes it's just an adorable idea).

4.- The Contest of the Crowns. This supposedly happens in the six months between movie and series, so technically it should have been in Two Princesses but, I just didn't.

I know what it would be, Cassandra and Rapunzel together, learning new skills, having fun, Arianna and Frederic super worried at the last challenge.

Them showing Ingvarr the amazing fighting skills of Corona's princesses.

I think the main reason I didn't include this in Two Princesses is actually because I plan to focus a lot on the other kingdoms when we get to season 3, and I'm still working on the plotting there so I might want to wait until I know how I want to handle each kingdom before writing this fic.

5.- The Day of Hearts: Dates! I've already re-written the day of hearts episode, Eugene and Rapunzel go on a few dates but they aren't written about because they simply aren't the main focus. But I could write a short fic of just the dates and these two being cute. I love Eugene and Rapunzel and I just don't write enough of them in my fic.

6.- Eugene never comes. Where Eugene never did go to the tower and Cassandra took a far more active role in Gothel's death.... My brain can be dark sometimes.

7.- A fic about food. Gothel calling Rapunzel chubby in the movie always struck me. I've hinted at issues in the fic, from Cassandra worrying about not having enough food between her visits to Arianna pushing them to eat. But I haven't dived deep because I know it's triggering to a lot of people (honestly when done wrong, me included).

But a standalone, something you can skip if you aren't up to it, that'd be fine and I do love diving into these topics. But also, I don't know if I'd be up to it, some things are better in small chunks? Dunno.

8.- A Corona Law Deep Dive. So we've seen Cassandra take interest in law and this continues throughout the series, and I'd kinda just love a small fic of laws Cassandra doesn't agree with or sees as needing modifying, her making her arguments, maybe even presenting them to Frederic and what the new laws could look like.

Maybe even show them in action?

Would also give me a chance to look into Corona's criminal underworld which was hinted at so well in Before Ever After then never really made use of in the way I expected.

9.- The Captain earns his retirement. The girls basically getting into more trouble than their worth. But the captain being loyal and protecting them from everything anyway.

10.- Eugene on Corona. Basically takes place during Two Princeses while Cassandra and Rapunzel are stuck in the palace and features Eugene just doing normal things, but also hiding each time he sees guards, almost stealing because he forgets he's not supposed to do that anymore... and so on, so on.

A deeper dive into Eugene's adjustment period because there definitely was one!

11.- BONUS: Arianna and Frederic at the holidays. mitcondrialdna actually requested this on Ao3 and it sounds like an adorable idea, a fic about Frederic and Arianna at the holidays before Rapunzel's return. If I were to do this, I'd probably choose only one or two holidays and do several different years so as to show the stages of mourning and how they each handled the situation differently while supporting each other.

And this is why I need a journal just for fanfics and specifically just for this AU. Yes, I have a problem. No, I do not have any intent to fix it.

Anyway, if any of these sound like something you'd want to read, tell me so I can prioritise, I definitely need to write some one-shots just so I don't keep writing TOO far ahead of what's being published. (one-shots are bonuses, they never interrup the dayly uploads of the fic making them perfect for decresing scheduling differences).

[jimilter]

what that anon means is you're not that good of a writer for people to follow but you know your way around. friends connections cliques to boost you n ur ego. vice versa. kiss their ass you kiss theirs back. it is fascinating! all the tumblr politics

Not a single doubt in my mind that you're the same anon with a different typography. Why? Because I don't believe you're useless enough to support another useless idiot's uselessness. Or...are you? Whoops. 🤡

Putting aside the illogical aspects for later, I wanna first discuss a very important question I always come back to: why the obsession with me? I mean, I'm flattered you observe me closely enough to take note of all the apparent "ass kissing" I do, but seriously. If you're not literate enough to really understand my writing (because you would fucking pee your pants before calling it "not that good" if you weren't illiterate, my guy), why come here at all, kid?

Is it perhaps... Jealousy? That no one notices you? Or wants to talk to you? Or, like, takes interest in your life? So you wanna tell me what you think are facts about me and feel good about it? Oh, my. 😔

Or maybe you're so supremely useless in life that this is the best use of your time for you. Huh. Extremely sad, but not incurable. No, I'm not judging, just observing. Will talk about a cure at the end, alright?

For now, time to move to the logic analysis of your very overconfident statements: the point made by the previous Dick Anon was that "people don't follow me for my writing." Which implies that there is another reason why they follow me. Which, by your logic, translates to wanting to be my..."friend, connection and clique," did you call it? So by your spectacular claim, you're trying to tell me my 4-digits follower count just wants to learn the ropes of ass kissing from me so that they can make friends too. Right?

Oh, wow...

Tell me honestly, anon, are you projecting, honey? Is ass kissing the only way for you to make friends in your life? Is that why you don't understand friendships?

Okay, I don't wanna psychoanalyze you, that's your therapist's job. (I hope you have one bec you need one, my guy.) I just want to pray for your sanity in the real world, kid.

Because my concern is how much important you've made Tumblr in your life. Like. It's an anonymous platform of anonymous people who write fanfiction for a group of real men they'll never meet irl. Do you realize what that sounds like in the real world? Embarrassing and delusional. Five people here know my face and three of them know my voice bec I truly want to remain inconspicuous and not be found writing smut by potential future employers, thank you. "Tumblr politics" like seriously? What are you, a third grader?

Go out and look at the world around you, kid. Real problems and real issues need resolving. Inflation is fucking insane and people still don't have a Covid-19 medicine that is fully inert. Do not let your braincells melt away by stalking me like a hawk, go to school and become a normal human. And that's the cure for your demented view of the world. Education. Honestly, it works like magic and cures everything! Try it, sometime.

After you're educated enough, maybe you'll be good enough to understand my immaculate writing? I have my doubts but I'm nothing but generous with my kindness, so I'll hold out hope for you. Yeah.

Gotta go back to studying bec I feel like I have to be literate enough for both of us, kid. Quick, stop being illiterate so I can stop worrying about you!

[violetsystems]

#personal

I can’t really tell if my mood is better or worse on Sunday mornings rather than the typical Saturday.  Things have reached a point where it’s just not worth explaining how awful life can be.  My life story at this point is slightly more convoluted than a side job in Cyberpunk 2077.  It’s also seemingly just as insignificant.  That is until I realize I’ve been writing here weekly for over two years at this point.  I’ve been posting on this platform for what seems like over a decade.  The value of this kind of journaling has been impossible to gauge.  I just paid a full year for LinkedIn to keep my career contacts alive.  I post in the hashtag cybersecurity almost every day.  I have a solid list of five contacts that follow my company.  I post the zero day news as it happens.  I promote my brand and employability.  As if this is the only thing that is valuable.  A twenty year resume with management experience that gets picked over by AI and human just the same.  I also forget sometimes I’m a musician.  I was reminded last night when I posted the RP Boo “Bangin’ on King Drive” video.  I was at that video shoot.  Years ago I would just run into Bu in the street with his wife randomly.  I appear nowhere in that video as I was edited out much like I was the only artist edited out of a Pitchfork review for a footwork compilation from Japan that protested Nuclear proliferation.  If there were any more alarming trend for me it’s that most of what I try to succeed at is locked beyond a brick wall.  I sit here from week to week trying to figure out ways to keep myself from disappearing.  I worry about where I can actually pivot and when.  I lay awake at night alone in my bed calculating what my runway for cash positivity is before I have to leave this city altogether.  It sometimes feels completely futile and useless.  Everybody in America is winner take all when there’s nothing left to take.  It’s cutthroat and we’re all in this together at the same time.  The amount of bullying I have to process per day has left me broken down and angry ninety percent of the time.  And yet angry is a shitty look for me.  I lose at video games all the time.  And lately I feel as if I’m living in one.  To explain that any further gets into some territory of oversharing.  I’ve written paragraphs upon paragraphs about my life here.  And yet nobody seems to acknowledge I exist other than here.  Which leads me to believe a very few amount of people actually have the reading comprehension over 140 characters to look deeper into someone’s life, liberty and value therein.  I think sometimes that it shouldn’t be this hard.  That something is very wrong and deeply troubled about it all.  And there’s not much I can really do about the things I’m up against when it’s only me fighting it from day to day out here.  So I’ve fallen back to what I know.  We are still very much in the middle of a pandemic.  I’m happy the relief bill has passed.  I’m waiting to pay my taxes until it’s official.  Which puts me back in the same mood I’ve been in the last eight months.  A complete state of abandon.  This nefarious field of people watching you every day waiting to pin something on you.  It never comes because I know better than to fall back into that trap as much as I can these days.  

The worst of this mindfuck is over for me.  I don’t actually really care too deeply about how wrong things are.  Mostly because I’ve done my best to make due under impossible circumstances.  You’d think someone like me after all these years would have something to celebrate.  I kind of do.  My birthday didn’t matter to anyone really out here much last month.  It was a clear indicator that I had no real peers out here anymore.  As evidenced as how everyone in footwork I helped back in 2014 has literally just ghosted like the rest of my professional network.  I had a couple of things to fall back on.  But it’s impossible to fall back onto anything when people would rather pretend you didn’t exist.  I’m always supposed to read into these psychotic projections by society because somehow I’m supposed to realize more is expected out of me.  I can’t figure this out completely.  Like I brought all this upon myself.  That’s the vibe I get from day to day.  That because I don’t share my plans, agenda, or strategy with the real world I’m shit out of luck.  The irony is that I do share it verbatim.  Week to week.  In a very coy, oblique way this is true.  But I am also a writer.  This is another talent I’ve been taught by society that has no value.  I wrote emails for my bosses for years on my days off.  On my birthday even.  This doesn’t mean it is worthless.  The audience is out there.  If it weren’t I would have quit sharing my feelings a long time ago.  I’m fairly aware at some point I’m going to have to put this all behind me.  Hopefully when the world wakes up and returns to normal like nothing ever happened.  That’s going on as we speak and I don’t even have a vaccine in my arm.  It’s a constant state of fear and missing out projected back at you.  That the reason I’m not happy is totally because of what I choose to take on in my life.  And I’m supposed to get the message when people don’t actually communicate.  I had this strange realization yesterday when I discovered all my videos were closed captioned.  I watch movies with subtitles all the time simply because I love to read.  My videos barely get ten views if that.  I often think content is content.  If you put it out there someone will eventually find it and wonder about it’s value.  In the age of semi-spiritual machines it’s true that the algorithms seem to be the only curators out there listening.  Everything I say out loud is transcribed and mothballed somewhere on Siri’s or Alexa’s servers.  When I take a screen shot of the things I say off the top of my head, I’m often aware that something acknowledges I actually said them.  It’s just nobody human really wants to pay attention. They are hardcoded over my videos as proof of the value of my words.  Not like you can sell the speculative value of it yet.  The first tweet is being auctioned off as a NFT and you wonder how worthless I have to feel at this point.  I’m sure we all feel a little of this deep down.  Disconnected and in some sort of weird emotional exile.  I think it just makes me realize more of what I am connected to.  A history of authenticity.  A life that trades the catwalk for the streets as brutal and unforgiving as they are.  Nobody can stop talking shit about me.  But it’s almost always a hallucination.  For a person who puts it all out there, I must be a shitty fucking writer.  I can spend week to week writing the same thing.  That I’m completely abandoned and ghosted out here on my own.  And how it’s less unsafe and more simply a degraded quality of life when it comes to my rights as a human being to be happy.  I’m supposed to get the message when nobody can bother to read mine.  The writing is on the wall I guess.

So instead of pining on and on about it which I just did for two paragraphs, I still look for solutions.  I still broadcast weekly to let people know I’m still alive.  I make funny jokes to myself and screencap them to mask deep emotional scarring that is no fault of my own.  I literally feel trapped and under duress almost all of the time.  And yet, I don’t really have the luxury of taking the shit when I’ve had the hope choked out of me until I can’t breathe.  If the answer is to keep ignoring the problem, it’s hard to be me.  Because nobody can leave me alone.  No one seems to have any sense of dignity as to what I’ve been through.  I never claimed to be a victim.  That’s not really me.  I’ve survived and been resilient.  I can see that working a six figure corporate job in New York or China is probably more worth my time in the not so distant future.  I can also see that I’m worth more than what people sell me short for.  I know we are in a dangerous time of confidence tricks.  I don’t really have much to lose other than cash positivity.  I can wait this out until the end of the summer for sure.  And then I start to think about spending another winter being hunted and shunned at the same time.  Mentally I can’t fuck with this city after what it’s done to me alone.  I can’t keep being a superhero for people who can’t be bothered to understand how painful it is to be taken for granted after all these years.  I just give up on everything in the past that isn’t working and move forward as best as I can.  Just like they threw the entire contents of my office in the trash I can let it go.  There is a very real emotional exhaustion I have to deal with from day to day.  The level of psychological torture and abuse I’ve witnessed first hand in this city is at a level that is unlawful and unhealthy.  I know too much about what it’s all connected to.  And I know I’m better than all of this.  I don’t know how to proceed.  And this is a very real and dangerous situation that I am stuck in the middle of a shark tank feeding frenzy of well meaning but rabid idiots and the pricks that prod them with a sharp stick.  I don’t have a future here in this city.  I don’t have a future in this state or country if you wanted me to be real about.  And yet I have so much potential if I just hold on for one more year.  For one more decade.  For another forty years when they turn my blog into a NFT after my death like I’m the next Van Gogh.  Everybody will talk about how they knew me and how tortured an artist I was.  I was so misunderstood and it was beautiful.  They’ll fund a school with the proceeds that kicked me out the door because I was a blight on their payroll and budget.  And I’ll be a digital ghost just the same.  I feel like that very ghost now every waking fucking moment.  It is a pain I cannot describe in words.  It is a suffering that is goaded on in the worst syndicate driven way.  I have nothing good to say about any of this shit anymore.  I have no more room to break down and make things worse for myself.  I just have to adjust my schedule and manage my emotions with it all because it’s my fault.  This is the message I keep hearing in my head projected by silent looks as I picked up my prescriptions on foot avoiding everyone who wants to see if it’s true.  If I really am the bogeyman.  The source of the problem.  Someone to blame.  The scapegoat for everything that is wrong with the world.  Convenient but ultimately not worth my time to humor.  Which is why I don’t really know what to do anymore other than to stay inside and wait for justice.  If there’s anything poetic about it, it’s that it runs pretty seamlessly at 1440p.  Much clearer resolution than what this city wants to offer me after what it’s put me through.  <3 Tim

[christinaprirabb]

HI DAI ERIKA JANE ONAY!!!

DISCLAIMER: The entirety of this post is just word vomit so idk if my words and thoughts will make sense in the end. Bear with me.

You're the type of person who tends to overanalyze things. It's both a curse and a blessing for you.

Now, why would I consider it a blessing?

Since you always think through things over and over and sometimes a bit too much - you get more aware of yourself and the people that surround you. Because of this, you are sensitive and you read the room well. That's why I can't understand why you still have the audacity to overlook your safety✋🏼🙄

And of course, you know why it's a curse.

It gets all overwhelming but even when it does, you still always find a way to win.

You win by writing your thoughts. And you know how much you write well because you do!! And the people around you acknowledge it all too well too!! Sana all😋

Pero seryoso, you know that you write well because you write it from the hidden corners of your mind and heart. You hand, your thoughts, your pen and paper really go along so well because you're genuine and you don't hide anything from them.

I know there are still days when you feel like your just on your own. And I will let you feel that for a while. Basta when you're ready, you can always look around and always find me waiting for you to not feel lonely and alone anymore.

Alsooo, I saw this on TikTok. (Idk if nachika na nako ni and I'm just being redundant ✋🏼😭) That instead saying, "I can't wait to be happy again" or "I can't wait to finish my studies", we should say, "I'M SO READY TO BE HAPPY AGAIN" and "I'M SO READY TO FINISH MY STUDIES".. and so on.

This is because when we say that we can't wait, it's like we're saying to ourselves, the universe or God that we aren't ready to receive what we're longing for.

Siguro, sort of law of attraction???

Idk but I want you to remember that because I want you attract all the things you want, need and deserve.

I'm also not sure if I'll be back sa Facebook soon. I kinda see it as useless na LOL so I decided to just post my greetings here hehe

Bang hmmmm unsa pa man..

Honestly, I'm glad that everything worked out well for our friendship dai. And although last school year really did change both of us a lot and katong nag boang2 ang messenger ug katong mga wala ta nagkasinabot, I wouldn't have it any other way because sa ulahi, we learned. Hopefully hahahaha!!

I'm happy na you still choose to talk and share things with me.

I'm happy I get to chika with you from the most mundane topics down to the seryoso and deep shits.

I'm happy that we understood each other and don't depend on superficial things to keep our friendship alive hahaha

I'm happy to still see you alive and well.

I'm happy that you choose to keep on going.

I'm happy that you listen to lullabies even if di ka niya baby😔

That you still sing bisag sintunado slight😗

That you still arch your back and stand tall despite your physical height😀✨

That you still watch kdrama series even if you know na you'll have second lead syndrome na naman🤡

That you read books from all genre because you're adventurous like that😎

I don't like it lang na seem to not get over this rodel guy. HAHAHAHAHAHA don't worry this account is private unless you share this with other people😂

Paminaw ani oh:

HAHAHAHAHAHA CHAROT LANG BASIN MUHILAK KAG POPCORN BA😂

...

On a more serious note, I know that I'm not a perfect best friend. I don't reach to you that often and I don't have any excuse for that. So I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not being able to spoil you with material things at this age because I'm broke af. I do want to write you a letter (bec u know that and I also kinda miss writing on physical paper) pero kasi I can't give it to you ugh kairita.

I'm also sorry if I can't do anything to help ease the pain. I just wish that my words were at least able to comfort you in some type of way.

I'm sorry if I wasn't able to hug you as much as before because we're n barangays apart.

I'm sorry if things don't go as what you planned.

I'm not sorry for meeting and letting you be part of my life though YIIEEEE HAHAHAHAHA

Days will be better dai. Because if ang good happy days mawala, who's to say na ang bad sad days kay dili? 🤗

Love ka ni God dai.

Love ka sa atong barkada.

Love ka sa imong papa.

Love kas imong family, tough love?

Love pod tika!

Daghan gamahal nimo, okay?

You're always welcome sa amoa dai. Labaw nas akoa. You've helped me so much dai that's why I'm really thankful sa imoa huhu

I don't know when my birthday greetings will get shorter as we age. Also, I guess this is your love language? Like words expressed written or typed - just the fact that people remember you and they took the time to write you something, however grand or simple, is enough na sa imoa. So I'll try my best to keep up.

FINALLY, BELOW ARE SOME OF OUR PHOTOS NA NAA PAS GALLERY NAKO (coz im short sa storage hehe)

WHAT THE FAWKERI IS THIS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yiiieeee 6/9 members circa 2015(?) 2016(?)

Huhu ma emosyonal man nuon kog apil ani (dili in order ning photos diay hahahaha at the moment jud ko muscroll sa gallery)

Hoy 🤧 rag naas abroad???

wuw i love the forehead hbd to me

naols walay covid

Ayyy limited ang ma upload na photos😠

Just go over sa next post bang

[jeffxjustin]

meself dont read u’ll get annoyed

hi hello i...i am back.

so first off, i wanna write on the eve of our tour to cebu. i dont wanna come and so i didnt prepare extravagantly (did i ever?!?!). anyway, its kind of rainy anyway and so im not expecting much with that kind of weather, esp if you guys would travel around 2-3am. its already 12 and i didnt get an ounce of sleep bec im not in the mood for this. its not that i dont fancy travels, vacation and stuff but (noticed i had too much ‘its’ it bothered me) i hate leaving when i need to do work or sort of that. sir javar pep talked us last fri and i got energized hearing his words and so i tried going back on shape. last two weeks are pretty terrible. so much efforts went to waste as i prepared for things that was suspended. i hate that feeling when i make an effort for something and it gets suddenly postponed. am talking bout my eng4 exam that keeps getting moved and moved. studied without sleep and, eyyyy prof says lets move it. anyway fuck that. it had negative impact on me bec previously i was on a roll, had so much job w orcc stuff, layb and plss. not to mention maintaining kulayan on a half dead situation (sorry, i dont have the capacity some ppl have, yet). i was managing them all, then boom. dread feelings came bec i lost on track due to numerous reschedulings and sht. i skipped classes, did half-assed jobs, had a huge debt. wanna cry, yknow, bec i wanna release these feelings of dread. but i dunno, straight five months i have yet to cry. its freakin heavy and with that constant things of dread following you, you wont function well. pals told me i have a high saturation point. handy, but troublesome. and so going back to sir javar’s peptalking, it certainly made me alive. and mind you i want to go back on track too. i was kind of proud when i got included on sir’s top ten without studying real hard (got the ninth) but i hated it bec i didnt give my all. yknow, i had this thinking that i shouldnt be wasting my efforts on something not worthy. /worthy/ is subjective, obviously and i only have few in mind but i guess thats bec im still learning. the list may or may not go, depending on the situation.

 i hate staying at my room, puffing cigars doing nothing. i feel useless. 

yes, i may have improved technically, considering all the work im handling right now, but its fucking exhausting. its not healthy working while carrying some emotional baggage yknow. i may carry this forever but sometimes i hope it would just disappear. 

honestly, maybe i was just too fast. my 3 years in the university were pretty stale and boring (comparing to others’). things became /explosive/ last sem, this midyear, and this sem. it may not be better than others’ experiences, but whatever. 

i am kind of scared on what will happen next year, but definitely maybe it’ll be worse. maybe maybe maybe of course things can still go upsy turvy but im a pessimist most of the time so...im sorry (dont worry im not a nega guy when on the actual he he). my birthday is kinda near but im not really enthusiastic about it. had plans of actually inviting my layer 1 friends (means my really really close friends) and maybe we’ll drink or eat or whatever. a time spent with them is fun with me, and birthdays are /supposedly/ fun so...yea. on gifts, hm. not looking forward with gifts bec im too old for toys or wut. maybe a song or a poem would do??? (haha honestly idk what to say bec im usually the one who gives gifts. and so i dont really know what to feel if i get to receive one. maybe overwhelmed bec ill be grateful? any gifts r fine ill appreciate it lol. TOTALLY NOT ASKING FOR GIFTS I SWEAR UNTO MY LEFT EYE)

tis the first time i talked like this on a social media platform. sorry, too bored. prolly this thing’s getting annoying and so ill stop. i hate annoying people. until the next one ;)