#sometimes we all just need a bit of vicarious comforting from our favourite fictional character
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we can stay here (and laugh away the fear)
93. âi believe in youâ requested by no-one i just really wanted to do this one in which amy's confidence takes a knock and jake whips out the official jake peralta fiancĂ© experience guide to help her out. (pre 5x15)
read on ao3 -
Something is bothering Amy.
Jake goes over the facts one more time in his head, sneaking a furtive glance at his fiancĂ©e over the top of his computer screen â his first clue was when she came out of Holtâs office twenty minutes ago with a slight slump in her shoulders, a blatant violation of the âPostureâ section of her mentorship binder.
Sheâs taking twice as long as usual to do her paperwork and it doesnât even look like sheâs enjoying it. Her brows are furrowed and her lips pursed in this totally adorable yet slightly worrying way and sheâs tapping absentmindedly on her desk in thirty-second increments, meaning sheâs desperate for a shame cigarette. Conclusive evidence that something is stressing her out.
(The thing thatâs stressing her out might be him seeing as heâs been bragging about a major drug bust he just pulled off for most of the morning; but he also brought her coffee and did the dishes last night and laundry mountain is now more of a laundry molehill, so heâs pretty sure heâs in the clear.)
They donât call him Jacob Sherlock Peralta for nothing (no-one calls him that, but heâs still confident itâll catch on eventually). And though he canât figure out what it is just yet, heâs determined to solve the case of why the love of his life canât even enjoy her paperwork.
To: Amy Santiago, 12:23 u ok? need a break???
He tries to act as nonchalant as possible but canât bring himself to miss the tiny smile that flickers on her face upon seeing the text. He pretends to be absorbed in the criminal database heâs scouring while he waits for his phone to buzz.
From: Amy Santiago, 12:24 Iâm fine.
He shoots her an overdramatic disbelieving look over his monitor and she rolls her eyes.
From: Amy Santiago, 12:24 Okay, maybe not totally fine. Can we talk? x
To: Amy Santiago, 12:25 meet me in evidence lockup 5 mins x
Sheâs there when he quietly closes the door behind him a few minutes later; it causes such a strong swell of deja vu, memories of so, a lot of change around here and more recently Jake Peralta, I will marry you that it almost overwhelms him. So he does what he always does.
âThought I might find you in here.â He jokes â she laughs a little but her body language is so tightly wound that he moves almost on pure instinct to give her a hug. The way the tension instantly disappears from her frame as she buries her face in his shirt tells him he must be doing something right.
âYou okay?â He says softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead; she looks up at him, hands still snaked neatly around his waist, and heâd let all the criminals in holding walk free if it would make her feel better.
(Not that it would â heâs never been that good with metaphors, but the sentiment remains.)
âFine. Really, I justâŠI needed this.â
âYou sure?â He asks, and he can tell when he only gets a sigh in response that heâs going to have to break out the Official Jake Peralta FiancĂ© Experience Guide to Comforting Amy Santiago, The Greatest Woman In The Universe. (The title still needs some work.)
âItâs justâŠthe results of the sergeantâs exam come out this week. Holt just told me.â
âOh.â He says, trying to connect the dots. âThatâs a good thing, though, right? Youâve been waiting for ages - and you totally aced that test, Ames.â
âYeah. Maybe.â She shakes her head, biting her lip. âI just canât help thinking â what if I donât get it?â He prepares a reprisal of the speech he made that day on the roof, but she continues. âAnd what if I do, and I canât handle it? What if itâs way too much work or my squad doesnât respect me or I get transferred orâŠâ Itâs a spiral, he realises â a knock to her confidence that breaks his heart a little.
Fortunately, itâs also something he knows exactly how to handle, and it involves one of his top five favourite activities.
âHave I ever told you,â Jake says as he takes her hands in his, âthat you are perfect?â
Amy predictably rolls her eyes at his blatant cheesiness, but the hint of a smile that appears on her face is more than enough fuel for him to keep going.
âWell, you are. Perfect! Perfecter than perfect.â
âItâs more perfect, babe.â She says, and a million years ago in 2013 heâs wearing ill-fitting sandals and Captain Holt is disappointed in him and Jake just wants to find a way to rip through the very fabric of space and time, grab his past self by the shoulders and tell him that using correct grammar is going to get him some of the best sex in his life in the future so he better start learning now.
(And also, as an afterthought, that everything is going to be okay.)
âActually, no.â He grins, shit-eating Peralta special. âBecause in the language that I just made up, perfecter is actually more perfect that more perfect. Perfecter than perfect is a special term invented for the light of my life, the most amazing woman in the history of the universe, Amy Santiago.â
She prods him lightly in the shoulder, now completely failing to tamper down a warm smile. âDork.â
âQueen of the cosmos. The one true love of my life. Divine goddess of wisdom and beauty.â He punctuates every new fancy title he gives her with a kiss â one to her neck, one to her jaw, one to her cheek, and gains a great sense of satisfaction from the way she melts into him, humming in content.
He initially thinks heâs won this round, but she still looks way too stressed out, exercising a relatively new nervous habit that makes his heart stutter â twisting the engagement ring on her finger. Â
âYou donât believe me.â He pouts and she sighs, briefly retreating someplace he canât follow her. When she finally returns his gaze sheâs all dark doe eyes and heâs sure thereâs space somewhere in his Addams Family themed wedding vow rap for one more promise; a commitment to convincing her sheâs more than enough for the rest of his life.
âNobodyâs perfect, Jake.â
âYeah, no doy. Thatâs why youâre perfecter than perfect, obviously.â
âI justâŠI worry, you know? I feel like I need to prove myself.â
âI know. But Ames, you have proven yourself a billion trillion times over. I told you when I proposed, youâre the best detective I knowâŠand thereâs no-one else that deserves this more and no-one else that is going to be a better sergeant than you are.â
âThank you for being perfect.â
âI am flawless, yes.â He grins, but it soon turns into something softer. âI believe in you 100%, okay, babe? Youâre going to be an amazing leader.â
âI love you.â
âLove you too. I also feel like the word perfect is beginning to lose all meaning.â
âOh, thereâs a name for that!â She pauses, lost in thought, and sometimes he wishes you could take package holidays in other peopleâs brains just because heâd love to walk among the endless bookshelves of infinite knowledge in hers, and sometimes he just gets lost in endless endearment for how much of a nerd his fiancĂ©e is. This time is definitely the latter.
She snaps her fingers after a moment, eyes bright â âSemantic satiation!â
âThatâs so hot.â He smirks, and heâs only half joking. They share a chaste, probably work-appropriate kiss â Jakeâs tempted to deepen it, but also not totally convinced that the ghost of Dozerman isnât frowning down upon them right now so decides to keep it PG. It doesnât matter anyway â theyâre soon rudely interrupted by a loud rap on the door which makes them both jump apart.
âYou two horndogs finished being gross in there? I need a case file.â
They both answer with similar cries of indignation and disgust, which just elicits a sharp laugh from Rosa.
âWhatever. Just tell me when youâre done.â She walks away, and Jake laughs at the shade of red Amy has turned, earning him a well-deserved punch in the shoulder.
âSo, you wanna get lunch? I happen to know a polish place recommended by a pretty dope soon-to-be sergeant.â Her face lights up and in just a few short months theyâre going to be married and Jake has never been more excited for the rest of his life to start.
âSounds perfect.â
#b99#b99 fic#peraltiago#jake x amy#my writing#it's been years and i still don't know how to spell sergeant#enjoy the last of these 'i love you' prompts (for now)!#sometimes we all just need a bit of vicarious comforting from our favourite fictional character#<3#shut up sian
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Hey, I just read a fic that left me sad and bitter, and I thought to ask you: why do you figure we read this kind of stories, all the while hating them? This one was about a relationship between a grown man and a minor, and it was hard to read, because it wasn't made to be romanticised but rather shown as a hard, ugly truth â and I've read other fics like that, where characters fall in love (or rather, become dependant) of a monster, or start taking drugs (1/2)
(2/2) itâs stuff that happens everyday, everywhere. And itâs kind of horrible to read about it in a story where the narrator doesnât make any moral judgements about the charactersâs choices and actions. Itâs just⊠Happening before our eyes. And as readers we canât do anything about it, we just have get to the end, make sure itâs somewhat okay. I wonder what pushed me to hit ânext chapterâ again and again instead of giving up on something that ought to make me feel bad.
Hi, sorry I didnât answer you sooner - this ask touches on some very interesting and important topics, and I wanted to think this over so I could try to say something sensible about it.
So, first of all - as Daniel Pennac famously pointed out, readers have rights. You donât have to âget to the endâ if you donât like the story, if you donât understand it, if it scares you or makes you miserable. I think we were all conditioned as children to âsee things throughâ, and while thatâs generally sound advice, it doesnât apply to everything. There are books that are very good, but you wonât get anything out of them, say, when youâre seventeen, so thereâs no shame in waiting. There are stories that are probably great, but just donât speak to you for some reason. And then thereâs the trickiest case, which is sort of what you describe - stories that make you deeply uncomfortable, and what do you do then? There is no good advice here. On the one hand, Iâd say that forcing yourself to be uncomfortable is good, especially when reading fiction, because it allows you to explore your limits safely and helps you to form your opinions on difficult topics. This is even more important when it comes to the real world - there are subjects we all find uncomfortable, like war and mass exctinction and sexual assault, but we need to be reasonably aware of those topics all the same, because they affect a lot of people and as citizens of democratic societies, we need to lend a hand in solving them. Plus, reading difficult stories has been found to increase your empathy, because it will give you a lens into how other people live, so thereâs that as well. On the other hand, there are moments in your life when you simply canât deal with some subjects, and thatâs perfectly okay - someone whoâs recently lost a loved one, for instance, has every right to surround themselves with meaningless fluffy stories instead of watching important, gritty movies about illness and grief. Thereâs a time and a place for everything. So the problem here is learning to tell the two things apart - to understand when you really need to use your shield and retreat behind it, and when itâs better to be brave and do something outside your comfort zone. Unfortunately, I donât think thereâs a fail-safe way to learn when you can bear things and when you canât. Itâs something everybody learns by living and growing up, but also something we tend to get wrong a lot of the time. Me, I tend to err on the side of risk, because I find things are generally not as scary as I think they are, and mostly everything will be alright in the end, but I understand that people whoâve had different life experiences might prefer to err on the side of caution. Thereâs no right and wrong here. So, all this to say: first off, you donât have to keep reading at any cost. Getting a sense of closure is important, but as you grow up, you also need to accept sometimes you have to create your own sense of closure, because life is not (well-written) fiction and not everything has a satisfying ending. Some things are random or weird or canât be fixed, so itâs important to tell yourself, âI donât need to know where the writer was going and how the story ends; what matters here is that this story isnât giving me anythingâ and move on.
That said, from what I noticed in myself and others there are several reasons for being drawn to stories that make us uncomfortable, and the problem is that itâs not always easy to understand which of these applies to you at any given moment. So, in no particular order, here is a list.
mordid curiosity. This is not necessarily bad because weâre genetically wired to be aware of our environment and assess potential risks to ourselves, but itâs also something that needs to be kept in check. Children are especially susceptible (probably because 1, they have very few experiences of their own and 2, theyâre still trying to figure out how reality works) but really, itâs a universal thing. So, the key here is to be aware it happens and exert a bit of self-control - ultimately, it helps no one to stand around and watch a traffic accident (either you can help, or get out of the way) or spend an entire weekend scrolling through autopsies pictures or get into fics with very graphic descriptions of torture. Be curious, but be sensible.
fear. Many of us have trouble understanding how others see the world, and itâs particularly difficult to imagine why bad people do bad things. This is part of why weâre so enthralled by âreal lifeâ documentaries about famous murders, crime shows and gruesome news. There is a conflation with âmorbid curiosityâ here, but consciously or subconsciously we also want to protect ourselves - from bad people and from becoming bad people. We want to reassure ourselves weâre not like that, and we find some fascination in watching how a person goes from being âtotally normalâ to committing a brutal crime. Fiction, and especially books, are a particularly safe way to watch and understand the worst instincts of humanity, because youâre in complete control of your journey of exploration. If you snap a book shut, thatâs it - the thing is out of your life. Thatâs why itâs not surprising crime fiction and thrillers are always in the best sellers list.
boredom. A problem thatâs becoming very challenging, especially in the way minors consume porn, is that many of us tend to get bored really quickly. I mean, how many loving and respectful and vanilla sex videos a boy (or a girl) can watch before wondering what all those other categories even are? Experts have found that, as a result of availability and curiosity, teens and even children are increasingly turning towards more and more extreme porn videos - and since they donât have any experience of the real world, they will naturally think this is what adults do in their bedrooms, all the time (thatâs how two 13-yo boys living two streets down from me were arrested for bestiality). Now, in a sense this applies to fiction too, and especially to fanfiction. You may start out with your average canon compliant fluff or T-rated story, but when you refresh the page, you see all sort of other stories featuring your favourite characters have now popped up - and whereâs the harm in looking? The question is very controversial. According to some, there is absolutely no harm in looking. Anyone is perfectly able to monitor what they consume, and what you read is not necessarily what you want to do IRL, anyway, so itâs okay. Others disagree, and say some kind of content (possibly like the one you were consuming: ephebophilia and statutory rape) should be tightly monitored because fiction has an impact in building your personality. Every other week thereâs a study that seems to prove one or the other theory, but so far we have no definite answer. Me, Iâm sort of in the middle: I believe censorship is inherently dangerous, but I also think itâs disingenuous to assume the books you read and the movies you watch wonât in some way shape your ambitions, your feelings and even your personality. If youâre bored with what youâre doing, it might be time to go outside or do something else instead of finding more and more extreme versions of the same thing.Â
there, but for the grace of God, go I. This is related to fear, but this time is not fear of what someone else might do, but fear of what you might do, or might want to do. Fiction allows us to live vicariously - ie, to experience a different, more exciting life from the safety of our own unremarkable one - and I think this is particularly evident in the case you brought up: stories about ephebophilia (teen/adult relationships). Now, an adult might be drawn to those stories because theyâre aware itâs wrong to want this IRL and they want to get the thrill of it without the risk (thatâs also why so many female characters are so badly written: theyâre just there to fulfill the sexual or romantic fantasies of the male audience). For teens, itâs generally a lot less creepy than that: crushes and fiction is how we start the next phase of our lives, the one which will probably include relationships and sex, and since this is a scary and new place to be, the first step is to create a buffer so we can protect ourselves. We might, for instance, have a crush on someone whoâs completely unavailable, and therefore a âsafeâ option (weâre talking actors, singers, teachers, much older friends). Or we might appreciate teen/adult fiction or fanfiction, because thereâs some comfort in the idea we can just let go of our control and trust a wiser and more experienced partner to figure it all out for us (I always thought this was part of the reason 50 Shades of Grey was so successful: Anastasia is mostly a passive partner in that relationship, and luckily for her thereâs this billionaire who knows exactly how she should live her life for maximum benefit and is willing to take care of everything). The truth is, of course, that understanding who you are as a sexual being, what you like, what you want and what your limits are will take some work, and no âperfect loverâ will do that work for you. A good partner will support you and help you along the way, but the main effort needs to come from you.Â
(Another aspect of this, by the way, is reading about stuff with some conscious or unconscious awareness that this is who you actually are. For instance, you might be drawn to LGBT themed books either because you suspect you might be queer, or because you are queer but you donât know it yet. And here, again, you need to be responsible and understand what is okay and what is not okay - if youâre secretly gay, then congrats!, thereâs nothing wrong with you. On the other hand, if youâre fascinated by stories about self-harm or âunacceptable behaviourâ - like arson, hurting animals and so on - because you recognize those insticts within yourself, then I strongly suggest you talk to someone and seek professional help.)Â
challenge. Sometimes you start reading stuff out of spite, because you were told you were too young or too stupid to get it. This generally turns out okay, but remember that if people tell you youâre too young for something, they might be right. Again, thereâs no shame in stealing a book form your parentsâ bookshelf or downloading an R-rated or otherwise âdifficultâ movie and then stop ten minutes in because itâs too much for you. Life is a journey, and there is some comfort in knowing weâll have something to look forward to at every step, you know?, because maybe there are things I donât find enjoyable or understandable now, but itâs likely I will get them at some point, and thatâs okay.
escapism. The sad thing is, negative emotions tend to be stronger and drown out our other feelings more than positive ones. This is probably a survival mechanism - after all, if you see a lion, itâs very urgent to be terrified and run the fuck away without stopping to notice the beautiful flowers along the way. Anger, outrage, fear and anguish are all emotions you will probably feel when reading âdifficultâ stories, and they will be very efficient in blotting out whateverâs bothering you IRL at the moment. So, you know - it can be easy to still worry about a bad break-up, a fight with your parents or a disappointing test result when youâre reading a fluffy bakery!AU; itâs much harder to concentrate on other stuff when watching The Ring. Deliberately seeking out very strong emotions can be an efficient way to take a holiday from your own life, and if you find this is a pattern, my advice would be to try and see what it is, exactly, thatâs making you so unhappy and how you can solve it.
reassurance. From the beginning of time, fiction also had the role of teaching us social norms and explain that weâd be rewarded if we follow them, but punished if we break them. This aspect can be so obvious as to be annoying (think forced happy endings, or blatantly Christian fairy tales), but the truth is, fiction almost always sticks to this rule: the good guys win, the bad guys lose. Iâm not surprised that you kept reading a disturbing story in hope that justice would be restored at the end. We all need for reality to make sense, for our lives to make sense, and the cornerstone of this is that good actions must lead to some benefit and bad actions must lead nowhere - otherwise, whatâs the point? That is why movies like Michael Hanekeâs Funny Games are rated R - not because theyâre violent, although they often are, but because that violence has no meaning and no punishment. My advice here would be to explore this kind of fiction a bit - not getting any moral judgement or happy ending can be tough, but again, life tends to be amoral and random. We have the feeling it isnât, but thatâs because we donât see reality as it is - we see reality as we are (this is a profound, unsettling thought - at least for me - and as one of the main teachings of Buddhism, itâs been around for more than twenty centuries, but itâs such a terrifying perspective most of humanity chooses to ignore it completely). Still, be careful. If a movie is rated R, better leave it until youâre old enough, and even then, you have the right to walk away at any time.
peer pressure. This is a thing for smoking and drugs, but also for fiction. It doesnât matter if youâre not interested in sex or BDSM, if you donât like on-screen violence, if youâd rather not think about suicide: Fifty Shades of Grey, Game of Thrones and - most recently - Thirteen Reasons Why, to quote just a couple of examples, are seemingly things everyone around you is watching or reading or raving about. Itâs always annoying to be excluded from the conversation, and scary to be different, so you might very well say fuck it and deliberatedly watch something that makes you uncomfortable so you can be part of the group again. I have the feeling fanfiction is a bit less overbearing because no one really knows what youâre reading, but itâs possible you found the story youâre describing in a âbest [insert ship] storiesâ masterpost, that itâs been recced to you by a friend, or that you know the author and started reading it despite your better judgement. If so, remember you donât have to be 100% similar to other people in your class, your family or your fandom to be part of the group. You can be a fantasy fan and dislike George RRR Martinâs writing style. You can follow someone on tumblr, and even be friends with them, but be squicked by their favourite tropes and avoid their fics. You can be the first or the last person to have sex in your entire school and you still have a right to be there, and to belong there. People reccing things theyâve enjoyed is a great thing; people making you feel bad because youâre not interested in what theyâre interested in is not so good.
So, well - I guess this is my opinion. Sorry for the novel. Those categories are not watertight, by the way, and thereâs no âscientificâ explanation for why we like what we like, and why we sometimes stay in situations that makes us uncomfortable. In my opinion, we often use stories as training wheels so weâll be ready if the same situation arises in reality, but itâs important to read diverse material so we wonât see the world only from one poit of view. For instance, reading about an abusive relationship can help us to avoid toxic behaviour IRL; but reading exclusively about abusive relationships can make you believe thatâs the normal way people act, so be careful.Â
As a last point - I was trapped inside a fic once, so I think I know what youâre talking about. I started reading it because it had interesting tags and characters, and as the story got darker, I kept clicking next and next and next hoping weâd get to the âcomfortâ part; but when we got there, I realized this wasnât working for me. It was a brilliant, well-written story, but to me the idea an abuser, however confused and misguided, could effectively develop a romantic relationship with the person theyâd abused was too much. I donât believe in that, and Iâd rather not see it justified in a 100K story. My way to get closure was to write a note to the writer telling them everything Iâd loved about their fic, how it was so well written Iâd kept reading it for weeks despite my discomfort, and that unfortunately I couldnât follow it to the end because it was too much for me. We had a lovely conversation, and that was it. I donât know if itâs the best thing to do in every case, but on that occasion, I think it worked for both of us. So - I hope this unnecessarily long answer made some sense to you, and I leave you with a quote by one of my favourite writers. Have a good day, and keep stepping out of your comfort zone - itâs good for the soul!
#ask#fiction#fanfiction#censorship#triggers#difficult stories#fiction matters#abuse mention for ts#suicide mention for ts#violence mention for ts#long post#this is something i feel very strongly about it#but don't have a solution for#especially if we're talking#weird stuff on ao3#so idk#it's frustrating#i don't like not having answers#then again#that's life for you :)
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