#sometimes we all just need a bit of vicarious comforting from our favourite fictional character

[johnny-and-dora]

we can stay here (and laugh away the fear)

93. “i believe in you” requested by no-one i just really wanted to do this one in which amy's confidence takes a knock and jake whips out the official jake peralta fiancé experience guide to help her out. (pre 5x15)

read on ao3 -

Something is bothering Amy.

Jake goes over the facts one more time in his head, sneaking a furtive glance at his fiancée over the top of his computer screen – his first clue was when she came out of Holt’s office twenty minutes ago with a slight slump in her shoulders, a blatant violation of the “Posture” section of her mentorship binder.

She’s taking twice as long as usual to do her paperwork and it doesn’t even look like she’s enjoying it. Her brows are furrowed and her lips pursed in this totally adorable yet slightly worrying way and she’s tapping absentmindedly on her desk in thirty-second increments, meaning she’s desperate for a shame cigarette. Conclusive evidence that something is stressing her out.

(The thing that’s stressing her out might be him seeing as he’s been bragging about a major drug bust he just pulled off for most of the morning; but he also brought her coffee and did the dishes last night and laundry mountain is now more of a laundry molehill, so he’s pretty sure he’s in the clear.)

They don’t call him Jacob Sherlock Peralta for nothing (no-one calls him that, but he’s still confident it’ll catch on eventually). And though he can’t figure out what it is just yet, he’s determined to solve the case of why the love of his life can’t even enjoy her paperwork.

To: Amy Santiago, 12:23 u ok? need a break???

He tries to act as nonchalant as possible but can’t bring himself to miss the tiny smile that flickers on her face upon seeing the text. He pretends to be absorbed in the criminal database he’s scouring while he waits for his phone to buzz.

From: Amy Santiago, 12:24 I’m fine.

He shoots her an overdramatic disbelieving look over his monitor and she rolls her eyes.

From: Amy Santiago, 12:24 Okay, maybe not totally fine. Can we talk? x

To: Amy Santiago, 12:25 meet me in evidence lockup 5 mins x

She’s there when he quietly closes the door behind him a few minutes later; it causes such a strong swell of deja vu, memories of so, a lot of change around here and more recently Jake Peralta, I will marry you that it almost overwhelms him. So he does what he always does.

“Thought I might find you in here.” He jokes – she laughs a little but her body language is so tightly wound that he moves almost on pure instinct to give her a hug. The way the tension instantly disappears from her frame as she buries her face in his shirt tells him he must be doing something right.

“You okay?” He says softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead; she looks up at him, hands still snaked neatly around his waist, and he’d let all the criminals in holding walk free if it would make her feel better.

(Not that it would – he’s never been that good with metaphors, but the sentiment remains.)

“Fine. Really, I just…I needed this.”

“You sure?” He asks, and he can tell when he only gets a sigh in response that he’s going to have to break out the Official Jake Peralta Fiancé Experience Guide to Comforting Amy Santiago, The Greatest Woman In The Universe. (The title still needs some work.)

“It’s just…the results of the sergeant’s exam come out this week. Holt just told me.”

“Oh.” He says, trying to connect the dots. “That’s a good thing, though, right? You’ve been waiting for ages - and you totally aced that test, Ames.”

“Yeah. Maybe.” She shakes her head, biting her lip. “I just can’t help thinking – what if I don’t get it?” He prepares a reprisal of the speech he made that day on the roof, but she continues. “And what if I do, and I can’t handle it? What if it’s way too much work or my squad doesn’t respect me or I get transferred or…“ It’s a spiral, he realises – a knock to her confidence that breaks his heart a little.

Fortunately, it’s also something he knows exactly how to handle, and it involves one of his top five favourite activities.

“Have I ever told you,” Jake says as he takes her hands in his, “that you are perfect?”

Amy predictably rolls her eyes at his blatant cheesiness, but the hint of a smile that appears on her face is more than enough fuel for him to keep going.

“Well, you are. Perfect! Perfecter than perfect.”

“It’s more perfect, babe.” She says, and a million years ago in 2013 he’s wearing ill-fitting sandals and Captain Holt is disappointed in him and Jake just wants to find a way to rip through the very fabric of space and time, grab his past self by the shoulders and tell him that using correct grammar is going to get him some of the best sex in his life in the future so he better start learning now.

(And also, as an afterthought, that everything is going to be okay.)

“Actually, no.” He grins, shit-eating Peralta special. “Because in the language that I just made up, perfecter is actually more perfect that more perfect. Perfecter than perfect is a special term invented for the light of my life, the most amazing woman in the history of the universe, Amy Santiago.”

She prods him lightly in the shoulder, now completely failing to tamper down a warm smile. “Dork.”

“Queen of the cosmos. The one true love of my life. Divine goddess of wisdom and beauty.” He punctuates every new fancy title he gives her with a kiss – one to her neck, one to her jaw, one to her cheek, and gains a great sense of satisfaction from the way she melts into him, humming in content.

He initially thinks he’s won this round, but she still looks way too stressed out, exercising a relatively new nervous habit that makes his heart stutter – twisting the engagement ring on her finger.  

“You don’t believe me.” He pouts and she sighs, briefly retreating someplace he can’t follow her. When she finally returns his gaze she’s all dark doe eyes and he’s sure there’s space somewhere in his Addams Family themed wedding vow rap for one more promise; a commitment to convincing her she’s more than enough for the rest of his life.

“Nobody’s perfect, Jake.”

“Yeah, no doy. That’s why you’re perfecter than perfect, obviously.”

“I just…I worry, you know? I feel like I need to prove myself.”

“I know. But Ames, you have proven yourself a billion trillion times over. I told you when I proposed, you’re the best detective I know…and there’s no-one else that deserves this more and no-one else that is going to be a better sergeant than you are.”

“Thank you for being perfect.”

“I am flawless, yes.” He grins, but it soon turns into something softer. “I believe in you 100%, okay, babe? You’re going to be an amazing leader.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too. I also feel like the word perfect is beginning to lose all meaning.”

“Oh, there’s a name for that!” She pauses, lost in thought, and sometimes he wishes you could take package holidays in other people’s brains just because he’d love to walk among the endless bookshelves of infinite knowledge in hers, and sometimes he just gets lost in endless endearment for how much of a nerd his fiancée is. This time is definitely the latter.

She snaps her fingers after a moment, eyes bright – “Semantic satiation!”

“That’s so hot.” He smirks, and he’s only half joking. They share a chaste, probably work-appropriate kiss – Jake’s tempted to deepen it, but also not totally convinced that the ghost of Dozerman isn’t frowning down upon them right now so decides to keep it PG. It doesn’t matter anyway – they’re soon rudely interrupted by a loud rap on the door which makes them both jump apart.

“You two horndogs finished being gross in there? I need a case file.”

They both answer with similar cries of indignation and disgust, which just elicits a sharp laugh from Rosa.

“Whatever. Just tell me when you’re done.” She walks away, and Jake laughs at the shade of red Amy has turned, earning him a well-deserved punch in the shoulder.

“So, you wanna get lunch? I happen to know a polish place recommended by a pretty dope soon-to-be sergeant.” Her face lights up and in just a few short months they’re going to be married and Jake has never been more excited for the rest of his life to start.

“Sounds perfect.”

[awed-frog]

Hey, I just read a fic that left me sad and bitter, and I thought to ask you: why do you figure we read this kind of stories, all the while hating them? This one was about a relationship between a grown man and a minor, and it was hard to read, because it wasn't made to be romanticised but rather shown as a hard, ugly truth – and I've read other fics like that, where characters fall in love (or rather, become dependant) of a monster, or start taking drugs (1/2)

(2/2) it’s stuff that happens everyday, everywhere. And it’s kind of horrible to read about it in a story where the narrator doesn’t make any moral judgements about the characters’s choices and actions. It’s just… Happening before our eyes. And as readers we can’t do anything about it, we just have get to the end, make sure it’s somewhat okay. I wonder what pushed me to hit “next chapter” again and again instead of giving up on something that ought to make me feel bad.

Hi, sorry I didn’t answer you sooner - this ask touches on some very interesting and important topics, and I wanted to think this over so I could try to say something sensible about it.

So, first of all - as Daniel Pennac famously pointed out, readers have rights. You don’t have to ‘get to the end’ if you don’t like the story, if you don’t understand it, if it scares you or makes you miserable. I think we were all conditioned as children to ‘see things through’, and while that’s generally sound advice, it doesn’t apply to everything. There are books that are very good, but you won’t get anything out of them, say, when you’re seventeen, so there’s no shame in waiting. There are stories that are probably great, but just don’t speak to you for some reason. And then there’s the trickiest case, which is sort of what you describe - stories that make you deeply uncomfortable, and what do you do then? There is no good advice here. On the one hand, I’d say that forcing yourself to be uncomfortable is good, especially when reading fiction, because it allows you to explore your limits safely and helps you to form your opinions on difficult topics. This is even more important when it comes to the real world - there are subjects we all find uncomfortable, like war and mass exctinction and sexual assault, but we need to be reasonably aware of those topics all the same, because they affect a lot of people and as citizens of democratic societies, we need to lend a hand in solving them. Plus, reading difficult stories has been found to increase your empathy, because it will give you a lens into how other people live, so there’s that as well. On the other hand, there are moments in your life when you simply can’t deal with some subjects, and that’s perfectly okay - someone who’s recently lost a loved one, for instance, has every right to surround themselves with meaningless fluffy stories instead of watching important, gritty movies about illness and grief. There’s a time and a place for everything. So the problem here is learning to tell the two things apart - to understand when you really need to use your shield and retreat behind it, and when it’s better to be brave and do something outside your comfort zone. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s a fail-safe way to learn when you can bear things and when you can’t. It’s something everybody learns by living and growing up, but also something we tend to get wrong a lot of the time. Me, I tend to err on the side of risk, because I find things are generally not as scary as I think they are, and mostly everything will be alright in the end, but I understand that people who’ve had different life experiences might prefer to err on the side of caution. There’s no right and wrong here. So, all this to say: first off, you don’t have to keep reading at any cost. Getting a sense of closure is important, but as you grow up, you also need to accept sometimes you have to create your own sense of closure, because life is not (well-written) fiction and not everything has a satisfying ending. Some things are random or weird or can’t be fixed, so it’s important to tell yourself, ‘I don’t need to know where the writer was going and how the story ends; what matters here is that this story isn’t giving me anything’ and move on.

That said, from what I noticed in myself and others there are several reasons for being drawn to stories that make us uncomfortable, and the problem is that it’s not always easy to understand which of these applies to you at any given moment. So, in no particular order, here is a list.

mordid curiosity. This is not necessarily bad because we’re genetically wired to be aware of our environment and assess potential risks to ourselves, but it’s also something that needs to be kept in check. Children are especially susceptible (probably because 1, they have very few experiences of their own and 2, they’re still trying to figure out how reality works) but really, it’s a universal thing. So, the key here is to be aware it happens and exert a bit of self-control - ultimately, it helps no one to stand around and watch a traffic accident (either you can help, or get out of the way) or spend an entire weekend scrolling through autopsies pictures or get into fics with very graphic descriptions of torture. Be curious, but be sensible.

fear. Many of us have trouble understanding how others see the world, and it’s particularly difficult to imagine why bad people do bad things. This is part of why we’re so enthralled by ‘real life’ documentaries about famous murders, crime shows and gruesome news. There is a conflation with ‘morbid curiosity’ here, but consciously or subconsciously we also want to protect ourselves - from bad people and from becoming bad people. We want to reassure ourselves we’re not like that, and we find some fascination in watching how a person goes from being ‘totally normal’ to committing a brutal crime. Fiction, and especially books, are a particularly safe way to watch and understand the worst instincts of humanity, because you’re in complete control of your journey of exploration. If you snap a book shut, that’s it - the thing is out of your life. That’s why it’s not surprising crime fiction and thrillers are always in the best sellers list.

boredom. A problem that’s becoming very challenging, especially in the way minors consume porn, is that many of us tend to get bored really quickly. I mean, how many loving and respectful and vanilla sex videos a boy (or a girl) can watch before wondering what all those other categories even are? Experts have found that, as a result of availability and curiosity, teens and even children are increasingly turning towards more and more extreme porn videos - and since they don’t have any experience of the real world, they will naturally think this is what adults do in their bedrooms, all the time (that’s how two 13-yo boys living two streets down from me were arrested for bestiality). Now, in a sense this applies to fiction too, and especially to fanfiction. You may start out with your average canon compliant fluff or T-rated story, but when you refresh the page, you see all sort of other stories featuring your favourite characters have now popped up - and where’s the harm in looking? The question is very controversial. According to some, there is absolutely no harm in looking. Anyone is perfectly able to monitor what they consume, and what you read is not necessarily what you want to do IRL, anyway, so it’s okay. Others disagree, and say some kind of content (possibly like the one you were consuming: ephebophilia and statutory rape) should be tightly monitored because fiction has an impact in building your personality. Every other week there’s a study that seems to prove one or the other theory, but so far we have no definite answer. Me, I’m sort of in the middle: I believe censorship is inherently dangerous, but I also think it’s disingenuous to assume the books you read and the movies you watch won’t in some way shape your ambitions, your feelings and even your personality. If you’re bored with what you’re doing, it might be time to go outside or do something else instead of finding more and more extreme versions of the same thing. 

there, but for the grace of God, go I. This is related to fear, but this time is not fear of what someone else might do, but fear of what you might do, or might want to do. Fiction allows us to live vicariously - ie, to experience a different, more exciting life from the safety of our own unremarkable one - and I think this is particularly evident in the case you brought up: stories about ephebophilia (teen/adult relationships). Now, an adult might be drawn to those stories because they’re aware it’s wrong to want this IRL and they want to get the thrill of it without the risk (that’s also why so many female characters are so badly written: they’re just there to fulfill the sexual or romantic fantasies of the male audience). For teens, it’s generally a lot less creepy than that: crushes and fiction is how we start the next phase of our lives, the one which will probably include relationships and sex, and since this is a scary and new place to be, the first step is to create a buffer so we can protect ourselves. We might, for instance, have a crush on someone who’s completely unavailable, and therefore a ‘safe’ option (we’re talking actors, singers, teachers, much older friends). Or we might appreciate teen/adult fiction or fanfiction, because there’s some comfort in the idea we can just let go of our control and trust a wiser and more experienced partner to figure it all out for us (I always thought this was part of the reason 50 Shades of Grey was so successful: Anastasia is mostly a passive partner in that relationship, and luckily for her there’s this billionaire who knows exactly how she should live her life for maximum benefit and is willing to take care of everything). The truth is, of course, that understanding who you are as a sexual being, what you like, what you want and what your limits are will take some work, and no ‘perfect lover’ will do that work for you. A good partner will support you and help you along the way, but the main effort needs to come from you. 

(Another aspect of this, by the way, is reading about stuff with some conscious or unconscious awareness that this is who you actually are. For instance, you might be drawn to LGBT themed books either because you suspect you might be queer, or because you are queer but you don’t know it yet. And here, again, you need to be responsible and understand what is okay and what is not okay - if you’re secretly gay, then congrats!, there’s nothing wrong with you. On the other hand, if you’re fascinated by stories about self-harm or ‘unacceptable behaviour’ - like arson, hurting animals and so on - because you recognize those insticts within yourself, then I strongly suggest you talk to someone and seek professional help.) 

challenge. Sometimes you start reading stuff out of spite, because you were told you were too young or too stupid to get it. This generally turns out okay, but remember that if people tell you you’re too young for something, they might be right. Again, there’s no shame in stealing a book form your parents’ bookshelf or downloading an R-rated or otherwise ‘difficult’ movie and then stop ten minutes in because it’s too much for you. Life is a journey, and there is some comfort in knowing we’ll have something to look forward to at every step, you know?, because maybe there are things I don’t find enjoyable or understandable now, but it’s likely I will get them at some point, and that’s okay.

escapism. The sad thing is, negative emotions tend to be stronger and drown out our other feelings more than positive ones. This is probably a survival mechanism - after all, if you see a lion, it’s very urgent to be terrified and run the fuck away without stopping to notice the beautiful flowers along the way. Anger, outrage, fear and anguish are all emotions you will probably feel when reading ‘difficult’ stories, and they will be very efficient in blotting out whatever’s bothering you IRL at the moment. So, you know - it can be easy to still worry about a bad break-up, a fight with your parents or a disappointing test result when you’re reading a fluffy bakery!AU; it’s much harder to concentrate on other stuff when watching The Ring. Deliberately seeking out very strong emotions can be an efficient way to take a holiday from your own life, and if you find this is a pattern, my advice would be to try and see what it is, exactly, that’s making you so unhappy and how you can solve it.

reassurance. From the beginning of time, fiction also had the role of teaching us social norms and explain that we’d be rewarded if we follow them, but punished if we break them. This aspect can be so obvious as to be annoying (think forced happy endings, or blatantly Christian fairy tales), but the truth is, fiction almost always sticks to this rule: the good guys win, the bad guys lose. I’m not surprised that you kept reading a disturbing story in hope that justice would be restored at the end. We all need for reality to make sense, for our lives to make sense, and the cornerstone of this is that good actions must lead to some benefit and bad actions must lead nowhere - otherwise, what’s the point? That is why movies like Michael Haneke’s Funny Games are rated R - not because they’re violent, although they often are, but because that violence has no meaning and no punishment. My advice here would be to explore this kind of fiction a bit - not getting any moral judgement or happy ending can be tough, but again, life tends to be amoral and random. We have the feeling it isn’t, but that’s because we don’t see reality as it is - we see reality as we are (this is a profound, unsettling thought - at least for me - and as one of the main teachings of Buddhism, it’s been around for more than twenty centuries, but it’s such a terrifying perspective most of humanity chooses to ignore it completely). Still, be careful. If a movie is rated R, better leave it until you’re old enough, and even then, you have the right to walk away at any time.

peer pressure. This is a thing for smoking and drugs, but also for fiction. It doesn’t matter if you’re not interested in sex or BDSM, if you don’t like on-screen violence, if you’d rather not think about suicide: Fifty Shades of Grey, Game of Thrones and - most recently - Thirteen Reasons Why, to quote just a couple of examples, are seemingly things everyone around you is watching or reading or raving about. It’s always annoying to be excluded from the conversation, and scary to be different, so you might very well say fuck it and deliberatedly watch something that makes you uncomfortable so you can be part of the group again. I have the feeling fanfiction is a bit less overbearing because no one really knows what you’re reading, but it’s possible you found the story you’re describing in a ‘best [insert ship] stories’ masterpost, that it’s been recced to you by a friend, or that you know the author and started reading it despite your better judgement. If so, remember you don’t have to be 100% similar to other people in your class, your family or your fandom to be part of the group. You can be a fantasy fan and dislike George RRR Martin’s writing style. You can follow someone on tumblr, and even be friends with them, but be squicked by their favourite tropes and avoid their fics. You can be the first or the last person to have sex in your entire school and you still have a right to be there, and to belong there. People reccing things they’ve enjoyed is a great thing; people making you feel bad because you’re not interested in what they’re interested in is not so good.

So, well - I guess this is my opinion. Sorry for the novel. Those categories are not watertight, by the way, and there’s no ‘scientific’ explanation for why we like what we like, and why we sometimes stay in situations that makes us uncomfortable. In my opinion, we often use stories as training wheels so we’ll be ready if the same situation arises in reality, but it’s important to read diverse material so we won’t see the world only from one poit of view. For instance, reading about an abusive relationship can help us to avoid toxic behaviour IRL; but reading exclusively about abusive relationships can make you believe that’s the normal way people act, so be careful. 

As a last point - I was trapped inside a fic once, so I think I know what you’re talking about. I started reading it because it had interesting tags and characters, and as the story got darker, I kept clicking next and next and next hoping we’d get to the ‘comfort’ part; but when we got there, I realized this wasn’t working for me. It was a brilliant, well-written story, but to me the idea an abuser, however confused and misguided, could effectively develop a romantic relationship with the person they’d abused was too much. I don’t believe in that, and I’d rather not see it justified in a 100K story. My way to get closure was to write a note to the writer telling them everything I’d loved about their fic, how it was so well written I’d kept reading it for weeks despite my discomfort, and that unfortunately I couldn’t follow it to the end because it was too much for me. We had a lovely conversation, and that was it. I don’t know if it’s the best thing to do in every case, but on that occasion, I think it worked for both of us. So - I hope this unnecessarily long answer made some sense to you, and I leave you with a quote by one of my favourite writers. Have a good day, and keep stepping out of your comfort zone - it’s good for the soul!