#sometimes they'll pop up and scare the shit out of me though.

[soursherbat]

forgor ive never posted abt our system here bc we're incredibly private but uh. yeagh hi

[flowersdiceandlove]

Bingqiu family headcanons:

I don't always headcanon that they want kids, but when I do, these are my headcanons for it

Shen Qingqiu-yuan wants four kids because he was one of four and so that just feels like a good number to him

Shen Qingqiu-yuan wants to be called "baba" by his kids. It's more modern and what he grew up with so it feels more natural to him. Everyone else is always surprised by this because they thought he would want his kids to call him something more formal like "father" or "fuqin."

In the same vein as the last one, for grandkids, he also wants to be called something casual like "grandpa" "grandpappy" "pappy" "pops" ect. You get the idea.

their kid(s) have curly hair like Binghe. (only if they have a blood relation to him ofc)

Shang Qinghua cries and exclaims that he's gonna be a grandpa. Shen Qingqiu then smacks him with his fan and tells him to shut up.

While the Peak Lords and other members of Cang Qiong still don't really like Luo Binghe, they fall in love with Bingqiu's kid(s) and would most definitely die for their protection.

Ning Yingying is the kid's favorite babysitter. Ming Fan is heartbroken that it's not him even though he doesn't know how to take care of kids too well.

When Ming Fan finds out about the kid, he faints.

So does Yue Qingyuan.

It's a close call with Liu Qingge, but he manages to keep it together, looking very constipated and like he might start spitting blood.

Mu Qingfang smiles and offers congratulations. (One of the very few to do so.)

Mobei-jun has staring contests with the baby. No one is keeping track of the score, nor does anyone know about it. Really, Mobei-jun just stares at it and the baby stares back. Sometimes, the baby will reach out and smack him in the face. Mobei-jun does not react and just keeps staring.

Mobei-jun later tells Shang Qinghua he wants a baby and Shang Qinghua chokes on air so hard Mobei-jun has to pat his back.

Liu Qingge is actually one of their best babysitters. He has a lot of practice from Liu Mingyan. He sometimes holds the kid upside down by their ankle, but the kid always loves it. He's good at reading little kids.

When Liu Qingge babysits, he always ends up taking the kid on some sort of night hunt/adventure. The kid is always perfectly safe and never hurt in any way, but it always scares the shit out of Bingqiu. Liu Qingge is always super chill about it too like "No, nothing exciting really happened, just a normal day." "You took him/her to a den of demons to fight!!" And Liu Qingge just shrugs "I did that all the time with Mingyan."

On the flip-side, Liu Mingyan is one of the worst babysitters. It's amplified even more by it being Bingqiu's kid.

Yue Qingyuan is banned from babysitting. He's like the single uncle who has no idea how babies work. Shen Qingqiu tells him that they'll let him try babysitting again when the kid is older (with supervision for a trial run)

Shang Qinghua's not the best babysitter, but not a bad one either. The kid doesn't get into any big trouble or anything, but he's not the most fun babysitter. He doesn't really know how to act around kids so is super awkward with it.

Luo Binghe always worries that he's going to completely mess up as a father and ruin the kid in some way, even after they have the kid. Shen Qingqiu always soothes him and tells him he'll be a wonderful father and kisses his forehead.

Luo Binghe takes to patting their kids on the tops of their heads like shizun did to him when he was growing up (and still does)

Luo Binghe actually emulates Shen Qingqiu a lot sometimes when trying to be stern with their kids or in the cases of the headpats.

Shen Qingqiu notices this after a few years and asks Luo Binghe about it who replies something like "Well, Shizun did such a good job raising me, I figure that I should do what he did." and Shen Qingqiu is horrified. At himself mostly. And that Binghe would actually say it. He's still trying to get Binghe to stop calling him "shizun" in bed. This does not make him feel better about it.

Luo Binghe tells their kid(s) the same stories that his mother told him when he was a little boy and sings them the same lullabies. Shen Qingqiu watches him do this with a smile and tears pricking his eyes.

Shen Qingqiu does the same with stories and lullabies from his world, and Luo Binghe is fascinated by the strange songs and stories.

part 2

[silly-l1ttle-guy]

How the bucci gang sleep hcs

This has been in my drafts since January wtf

BRUNO BUCCIARATI + LEONE ABBACCHIO

all over the place

there is not a single time where these two have woken up in the same position they fell asleep in

like they'll fall asleep spooning, then they'll wake up with half of Bruno's limbs zipped off and Abbacchio sprawled across the bed in a position that looks uncomfortable with her foot in Bruno's face

one of Bruno's legs is probably on the floor and Abbacchio is most likely cuddling one of his arms

they're just used to it at this point

"Leone can you pass me my leg?" "m'kay"

Narancia came in to wake them up one time and screamed because Bruno zipped his head off in his sleep

Mista and Trish teased him about it for weeks

anyway i bet on my life that Bruno and Abba bring out their stands in their sleep

just randomly while they're sleeping Sticky Fingers and Moody Blues pop out

they just look at each other, then down at their users, then back to each other

they end up cuddling too (SENTIENT STANDS SUPREMACY)

it's so cute when Bruno and Abba wake up and see that their stand are cuddling

also Bruno's hair may look perfect 24/7 but in the morning it's SO. FUCKING. MESSY.

he has to immediately brush his hair so no one sees it like that

except Abbacchio

SPEAKING OF ABBACCHIO

when she wakes up her hair is also a mess

just slightly less messy

she has breakfast before she does anything else, then she immediately does her make-up

also don't be surprised if Bruno has Abbacchio's lipstick stains all over his body in the morning

it just means he sucked some girl dick last night

usually on those days Abbacchio wakes up with smudged make-up that she forgot to take off

also Abbacchio has frequent nightmares and often times wakes up in the middle of the night

she doesn't like telling anyone and calms herself down before going back to sleep

Bruno knows about it though

GIORNO GIOVANNA + PANNACOTTA FUGO

these guys are like the opposite of Bruno and Abba

they'll fall asleep cuddling and wake up in the exact same position

usually Fugo's the big spoon because he doesn't like being the little spoon

brings back bad memories y'know?

but anyway they sometimes also bring out their stands in their sleep

GER most of the time

it just likes to pop out to see what's happening

sometimes in the morning when Fugo wakes up, he'll roll over and see GER staring him dead in the eyes

he screams loud enough to wake everyone up

nara, mista and trish all tease him about it

"Did someone get scared~?" "SHUT UP NARANCIA! IT WAS JUST STARING ME DEAD IN THE EYES!" "Pussy lmao" "MISTA" "Nah the boys are right, you are kind of a pussy" "TRISH!"

sometimes purple haze comes out while Fugo's asleep

GER just pops out and hangs out with ph for a bit

anyway Fugo's hair is always a pain in the ass when he wakes up

as for Giorno... uh...

picture Dio's hair but longer

he looks like a younger version of shadow Dio too in the morning lmao

also Giorno bites shit in his sleep

and he's got some sharp canine teeth

the pros of being half-vampire

don't be surprised if when they wake up there's bite marks on Fugo's arms

or if Giorno's biting a pillow

if Giorno's had a stressful day he might move around in his sleep too

not much usually, but one time he ended up sleepwalking

Fugo woke up in the middle of the night and noticed that Giorno wasn't there

panic

he eventually found Giorno wandering around the garden and muttering to himself

it was really funny when Fugo snapped him out of it

then they went back to bed and Giorno bit Fugo's hand so hard it drew blood

true love at it's finest

sometimes Fugo has nightmares and Giorno has to wake him up

on more rare occasions Giorno has a nightmare and wakes up Fugo because he's trembling and shaking so much

GUIDO MISTA

snores

that's about it

he'll sleep in any position there is possible and he'll be comfy in all of them

he's also the deepest sleeper in the team

this guy moves around a lot too

he'll fall asleep in fetal position against the wall, then he'll wake up halfway across the room with his blanket tangled in his legs

sleepovers with him are a nightmare because not only does he snore, but this man also sleeptalks

one time Narancia and Trish were sleeping in his room and they woke up to him mumbling about how far his ass is

they recorded it in case they ever needed to blackmail him

but yeah this guy is a mess

He sleeps naked too

Balls out and everything

Unless Trish and Narancia are sleeping over

In thy case he leaves his pants on

Also on hot nights he SWEATS

This guy naturally runs warm, he gets hot during the night

NARANCIA GHIRGA

Eeperton

Bro sleeps like a baby

Nara just kinda sleeps wherever

He hardly even uses his own room unless someone carries him there

Honk mmimimimi honk mimimimimi

Also they sleep with their blanket wrapped around them like a cocoon

My guy is snug as a bug in a rug fr

This mf does not make ANY noise in their sleep

Completely silent

The amount of times people have thought they were dead because of this is quite a hefty amount

Sleeby

The missile is very sleepy

If they sleep next to someone they cling on for dear life

Also they're a blanket hog

They do not move at all either

TRISH UNA

She sleeps in a princess bed

Also a quiet sleeper

But she does move, unlike Narancia

Goes to sleep like she's in a casket at her funeral and wakes up face down on the opposite side of the bed

If she forgets to take her makeup off before bed she screams and tells Giorno to buy her self-care products

Live laugh love Trish

Sometimes she sleeps with Sheila E (I wish lesbians were real💔💔)

[wally-franks]

hiii hi im here with my liddol hcs for u... looks up at u with my big sad wet eyes. this is my silly little au ,,, i love urs tho n would love to hear the angst bcos. theres so much angst i left out too fjrjfhie

ok so WALLY- little guy but absolutely not stupid. like he knows whats going on BUT hes just. a little silly sometimes. low braincells but can piece stuff together and is careful. carries a knife with him. does not want to get into trouble (excluding pranks ofc. loves them) uh. 147cm, transmasc, and pan. his hat is very important. i actually just finished making his hat but thats a different thing fhjrjf

talks a LOT and has a gossip group with norman n susie. but its all in good fun. n u know thomas is him boyfriend. they pretend to be Mortal Enemies but at home they r so so soft... they must put up a front at work because they are scared of how they'll look in front of other ppl. if only they knew that probably like 2 ppl total in jds were cishet fbjrj,, he has that audhd and his silly little catchphrase is everything ok.

thomas- too tall bites him. i mean. ahem. 183cm and bisexual. very closed off from people but will not hesitate to confront people. very touchy about the machine cos its his "best creation" or whatever. ok stupid college boy but go off ig. (i love him sm)

basically just there to get work done. he acts smart, looks smart, but hes "stupid"... not in the way of logically stupid, he is just very silly sometimes. also he smokes. i mean have u HEARD his voice (affectionate) he has 5 older brothers n his family is very sweet i think. gnaws on the thomas plush part twenty million

and finally SAMMY- very very stressed so he yells a lot BUT he does a softer side in private. he just needs to front as mean and irritating with everyone to keep his image up :(( grr squishes him very hard. transmasc and gay bc. he just is. does not like joey but then again in my au nobody really does but thats ok<3 back to sammy the babygirl. he is 168cm and his "partner" is jack... but we all know... the silly... also probably helped johnny learn the organ/piano. because it needs to happen

if u want 2 know more or have any questions my dms are open >:3c sorry for th ramble!!! fjrjeh

Hii!!  I'm so sorry this took so long to get toooooo. I had to inhale this text for a bit and let it sog into my brain xD I always need a bit to take in muchhhhooss information (nothing bad btw just me being me hehe)

AND YEAHHH.. I should maybe talk more about angst. But at the same time I'm like. Naurrrr... Naurrrr... I really live by "there's always so much negativity and sadness in this world, no need to add more to it" SO I ALWAYS HESITATE SHARING ANGST AND SAD THINGS!! CUZ I'M LIKE!!  WHY BE SAD IF I CAN HAVE FUN STUFF WITH STUFF THAT MAKES ME HAPPY </3 + most of it is just killing and torture anyway and euhm. Those tend to trigger ehm negative stuffs in me anyway :') Mostly just hallucinations and shit thoughts but!! You know, when there's a good time to share some of that stuff, I will!! :3 or maybe I share more about my toon Alice. She's a bit more tame about with that stuff. Anyhow. This is about YOU and not me. Soooo I'll go now through your stuff >:)

Wally being like that is true, that really fits to him!! He's just a silly that takes his his time to piece stuff together and that is okay :3

And OMG, mine also carries a knife around :D I just think it makes so much sense for hi to do so.... He's encountered moving ink puddles before, might just aswell carry a knife til. I feel like it also makes more sense after we saw his hat and a knife at artists rests (+ the April fools video hehe). Also, him being transmasc and pan is so funny because my old version of wally used to be exactly that aswell!!  :D I changed that though, but again something very fitting for him. I loev your wally. He's so silly. AND SMALL!!!???  like damn OMG I didn't expect him to be that tiny. I could just launch him /lh

(Wally being a little gossip girly pop is so funny and real HAHAHA )

Thomas's and Wally,s relationship being like that is exactly how I envisioned it xD I love that for them so much.

And.. DAMN!! IM ALMOST AS TALL AS THOMAS BOY!! I thought yours would have been MUCH taller. Guess I was wrong. That's so interesting.

Also yeah... He definitely smokes. He smokes so damn much, probably several packs a day LMFOA. It's not to miss with a voice like that xD. You'd have to be insane to not think that.

Besides, BIG FAM FOR THOMAS ALSO MAKES A LOT OF SENSE!!

SAMMY BOY!!! SAMMY BOY!! I've been so keen on hearing about him!!!!! Wa'hh!!  We love publicly intimidating and soft at home Sammy I love that so so so so so much waghahahhhh!! And he's also way smaller than I thought,!! Another suprise here :D but nothing bad. Just me being like woah??  In taller than him. ALSO, HIM AND JACK BEING A THING?? YAY!! I LOVE SAMMY AND JACK TOGEZHER WJAJAJAJ AND OHOHOHH JOHNNY MOMENT. JOHNNY MENTIONED *POINTSSS*

AND YEAH I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF I WANNA KNOW MORE. AND DON'T BE SORRY I LOVED THIS SO MUCH.. ERMMMM. IF YOU EVER WANNA TALK MORE ABOUT YOUR JOHNNY *twirls hair* I'd love to know what he's up to in your AU. Where he's mostly at!! Mine is first at the music department but then gets moved down to lacie and Bertrum, so I'd love to know where yours at!! And his personality too. That's the thing that interests me the most!!! Giving a character who has no info at all jngame a personality is always so cool and interesting to see :D everyone has like their own way of seeing and imagining characters.. I'd die to know how yours is!!!!

[mrpenguinpants]

imagine: travelling performer (like from a circus ig) that's besties with Zhongli

i imagine these two constantly talking about other nations and how was their experience in said nations

zhongli would be mad excited about the dangerous tricks they can do, is he scared shitless? oh absolutely. does it look really cool tho? yeah he is and he wants to know how long it took to get that trick down.

he may or may not put up a pillar of his to see what cool trick they'll do

i had this thought sometime ago and thought yes zhongli would be adorable with them as besties

I don't know if this is sacrilege but I think Yanfei's outfit could fit in a circus. Or to be more accurate, her outfit looks like those performer clothes. I'm probably glossing over a lot of cultural references so don't take this that seriously but idk, the red and white remind me of a circus.

But back on topic. Yes. This is valid. This just popped into my mind but holy shit- I want a platonic Beidou and Zhongli right now. Beidou seems so fun and such an opposite to Zhongli, I am suddenly fueled by the need to see these two together.

That's so fucking cute tho! Being a travelling performer, going through all the different places in Teyvat. My brainworms are ringing in my ears rn and this is completely off topic but level with me here. I'm a huge softie for reunion fics so imagine Aether and Paimon managing to catch Zhongli around Liyue except he seems a lot happier lately? Perhaps something good happened? They are happy for their friend but it's so weird seeing the ever-calm Zhongli show so much emotion. Naturally, they go to Childe to see if he has any idea (because secretly Aether and Paimon are incredibly nosy) but Childe doesn't know either. Zhongli has been using him as a glorified wallet more often but he just assumed that something got the Archon's interest. So the only other person to ask is Hu tao. But trying to get a straight answer from her is impossible. The most Aether could find out was that Zhongli asked for some time off. Now they were really interested because Zhongli, literally Morax that never took a day off for 6000 years, is asking for time off. There's something suspicious so they follow Zhongli around and what's this? He's meeting up with someone?

And end scene. Haha, maybe I'll continue this later but I wanted to spit that out real quick.

You know when you see someone about to fall, and even if you're 20 feet away from them, you still stick your hands out to catch them even though it's impossible for you to extend your arms that far. That's Zhongli the first time he sees you perform. You're going to give this poor man a heart attack. But after that, it's just pure child-like excitement. Honestly, I've been talking about OCs with fulltimeventisimp a lot lately so my entire brain is in overdrive of making this reader a playable unit that synergizes well with Zhongli. Just for pillar shenanigans.

[hotsummersimpingogacc]

te amo - reddie one shot

summary: richie and eddie start taking spanish classes together and richie sees this as an opportunity to confess his love to eddie.

word count: 1699 words

an: this is my first ever ship oneshot. but i honestly am proud of this. and also please excuse any mistakes in the spanish part, even though i do take spanish i am not that good to write such a paragraph without translator.

richie and eddie are around finn's and jack's age in this fic ❤

* - translated text at the end of the fic

* gif not mine *

for years richie had feelings for eddie. the jokes about his mom he always made, they were just defense mechanism. he was scared of his feelings, he was scared of being exposed or being judged by his friends. especially eddie, what if he revealed what he's really feeling and he'd just reject him. this fear was bigger than fear of pennywise himself. he was nothing compared to how frightened richie actually was.

everyday seeing the person he wants to be with the most. whenever eddie smiles richie is melting on the spot, when he's feeling down there's nothing more richie wants to do then hold him and tell him that everything is gonna be okay. sometimes when he sees eddie kissing his mom's cheek he wishes it was his cheek or even better his lips. he felt lonely whenever he was with other losers but when eddie was around it was like he was full again. richie tried to hide his feelings in front of his friends, it'd be weird if they found out the truth.

before the school year ended students had to choose their subjects for next year. and of course boys wanted ti have all classes tomorrow. they choosed them like that. but there was one richie had to beg other guys to take. richie asked them every single day if they'll take spanish with him. the answer was always the same, no. eddie started to feel really bad for richie since he looked like he really wanted to take the class, but not alone. so he decided to take it with him. after all richie needs someone to stop when he's making jokes. after eddie told him he's gonna take the class with him richie thanked him all the way home.

richie actually gained a little confidence after eddie informed him that he's gonna learn spanish with him. maybe he'll be able to tell him about his feelings since they're gonna be a few more hours a week together. maybe he'll finally realize if this is real or not. or maybe he'll swallow his feelings even deeper.

"hey, richie ready to head out?" eddie popped next to richie's locker all excited

"yeah, i'll just grab some things" richie grabbed his books

"so, are you excited?" eddie smiled at him

"little less then before fucking your mom but it's okay i guess" richie shrugged his shoulders

eddie rolled his eyes. he knew this was coming but he didn't expect it to happen before actual class.

"are you gonna do this the whole time? because if yes i'm gonna do anything to get out of that class" eddie explained with his hand near his right ear

"sorry, i just saw the opportunity" richie smirked

"you always see the opportunity, right?"

"you guessed it, señor" richie was pretty proud of his answer

x

first spanish lesson went pretty well. both richie and eddie enjoyed it. of course they had dive into studying right away. they met up at eddie's house after school.

sat down on eddie's bed and tried to learn lines they learned that day

"hola, me llamo richie and i fucked your mom!" richie burst out laughing

"can we at least study without this?"

richie sighed and looked at his textbook. of course he had to make that joke. eddie was so cute while trying pronounce words in spanish. it was so hard for richie to hold back and not kiss him. he was clenching his fist so he wouldn't stroke his cheek. fortunately eddie hadn't noticed anything. he hadn't noticed richie's looks at him, those genuine laughs, all that affection richie had for him. he never noticed and richie was so grateful for it.

there were days he wished eddie would notice. maybe show his love back. maybe kiss richie so richie wouldn't have to. maybe say those words richie was scared to jabber out. i love you, you mean a lot to me, that'd be enough for richie. he'd know that all those feelings he had for all those years weren't one-sided. these were things richie dreamed off when he was laying in his bed at night, trying to fall asleep without eddie on his mind.

x

months were passing and boys were picking up more and more new knowledge from spanish. basic lines and phrases weren't enough for them. they'd go to library in the afternoons and dig some new interesting words.

during these "diging" sessions richie got an idea. there's no way in hell eddie learned how to confess anything to someone in spanish. richie was so sure that this is the only way he can tell him how he really feels. and when eddie will realize what richie told him, he'd be far away from american borders.

richie spent even more time in library, borrowed some books home and started writing down his confession. it was easiest-hardest thing he ever done. putting those words on paper went so fast. he was so certain what he wants to tell him. but when it came to part he had to tell him, face to face his gut thightened and he felt like crying. his hands were sweating and shaking.

richie had the list in his backpack, carrying him everywhere he went. he was scared someone would find it and figure it out. this gave him more anxiety then eddie telling him no or making fun of him.

x

after two weeks of carrying the confession in his backpack, richie was ready to say it to eddie. he made sure they were alone in his house. he sat him down in his living room and sat opposite him. he never sweat this much. his whole body was shivering, covered in goosebumps. he was repeating to himself that this is the best time and there won't be any better time.

"is everything alright rich?" eddie, concerned, look richie straight into eyes

richie took a deep breath and started:

"eds, there's this thing, i've been meaning to tell you for such a long time. so here it is" he put his glasses back up on his nose, took another deep breath and began talking

*"eddie, te amo. He estado enamorado de ti desde que tengo memoria. y es dificil para mi Te veo todos los días, te escucho reír y me enamoro aún más de ti. cada vez que sonríes o te quejas de que algo es insalubre, trato de contenerme porque solo quiero besarte. cada vez que te sientas mal o enfermo solo quiero abrazarte y decirte que todo estará bien. Esto es lo más difícil que he hecho, pero es más fácil ya que te estoy diciendo esto en español y no tienes idea de lo que estoy diciendo. eds, eres mi amor y haría cualquier cosa por estar contigo" richie could feel tears in his eyes so he immidiately stood up and ran to bathroom

richie leaned against the sink and let the tears stream down his face. he knew eddie was sitting there all confused because has no idea what he just said and why he ran away. richie got it off his chest. he told eddie how he feels, how much he loves him. his list wasn't long but it sure was full of emotions and everything richie feeled.

"hey richie, are you okay?" eddie knocked on the door

"yeah, i just had to make sure my wang is longer than yours before we start messuring them" richie tried to hide his sobby voice

damn it richie, you don't have to hide behind your jokes anymore, you exposed yourself to him.

when richie stepped out of the bathroom he saw that eddie was searching his fanny pack in the hallway

"what you looking for there? your birth control pills?" richie chuckled

"no, but if you're sick or something and you went in there to shit or for god's sake even throw up i have to take my pills so i won't catch anything" richie sometimes wondered how is it possible for eddie to speak this fast

x

days passed since richie told eddie about his feelings. he felt releaved but also really anxious. eddie was totally looking for some words richie had told him. what if he was searching for words like te amo. what if he already cracked them and he's not gonna tell richie so he won't break his heart. richie was overthinking as always.

that day, eddie and richie went to study to eddie's house. they were sitting quietly on eddie's bed both of them reading text they had to read.

"richie?"

"hmm?"

"there's something i want to tell you" richie could feel how his heart skipped a beat

"go on, eds"

"umm, wait" eddie took out a small piece of paper from back of his textbook.

"okay so, yo también te quiero" eddie said with certain confidence

"what?"

"it means i love you too, amor" eddie blinked at richie

"you're fucking with me!" richie yelled out

"i wish i was" eddie chuckled

"wait, are you like serious serious, or did you tell other guys about what i said and they made you say this?"

"i haven't told anyone. richie, this comes from my heart. i really love you! when you said what you said i felt so releaved because i was happy to hear that i wasn't the only one feeling this way. richie i cracked your "i fucked your mom" a long time ago"

"you little fucker" richie smiled

* eddie, i love you. i've been in love with you ever since i can remember. and it's hard for me. i see you everyday, i hear you laugh and i fall in love with you even more. whenever you smile or complain about something being unsanitery i try to hold myself back because i just wanna kiss you. whenever you feel bad or sick i just wanna hold you and tell you it's gonna be okay. this is the hardest thing i ever done but it's easier since i'm telling you this in spanish and you have no idea what i'm saying. so eds, you're my love and i'd do anything to be with you

tagged

@royalydamned @diablvna @queen-irl-af

if you wanna be included please let me know ❤

[jesshightown]

Had another therapy session the other day. Since the last one and she completely opened the floodgates, I've never felt so much better. So being able to speak to her this time, I felt like the rational side of my brain was working as it should be. Leaman was the one crying. Going through memories of being at the hospital.

Anyway, it felt good for me. Being able to speak without crying. We have our last session booked for the 30th July. The day before my Christmas party. I know, funny right. Christmas party in July. But since covid was ruined our ways of life, work booked our Xmas party for when things returned to normal. I'm so nervous. This will be the first time seeing everybody since, well you know. The baby.

It's not that I'm scared to talk to people, but I'm scared they won't want to talk to me. Avoid the big elephant in the room. I really am OK to talk about what happened if people ask or want to know. It's only when I talk to my mum or my therapist is when I get emotional. Grieve in private. The mask comes down to hide my pain and only stick with facts when talking to people. I'm awkward at social gatherings. I always feel out of my comfort zone. But once I've warmed up to the environment, that's when I start to have fun. I want to have fun. Leave the responsibilities of life, loss and grief at the door, just forget for a few hours and just have fun. I just worry about other people and what they'll think of me if they see me smiling and dancing away when I just lost my daughter. But the pain and grief is still there. I just don't want them thinking I'm a bad person for leaving that shit at the door for a few hours.

Best thing about the therapy is, I spoke of my jealousy about the others having their babies. I told her it made me feel like a horrible person for feeling that even though God, I'm so happy they have their babies and they arrived safely. Once I voiced it out loud, I felt better because she explained to me that it's 0k to feel jealousy and that it doesn't make me a bad person but just the fact that my grief is still new and raw. Once we discussed it, I felt miles better and haven't felt that jealousy since. Thank god. Its nice to see them posting pictures on Facebook. They're all so gorgeous. I do miss what I could have had but I know everything happens for a reason. I come to accept that and sometimes I fall back into the grief. But I guess it will be that way for a long time. I just have to accept that, that's the way my life will be for a long time. So, I guess it's okay to not be okay and not have a "good day". Vanessa the therapist wants to know why I claim crying over McKenzie is classed as a "bad day". She explained it's letting it all out and although when you cry, you feel like utter shite, having a shower and washing that shit away, you feel much better because you've unloaded the weight you're carrying around. The reality is, I'll never get over this, I'll never fully heal and I'll never stop thinking about her. So I can't move on, but I guess now it's time to move forward. The only thing that scares me about that is, time is moving me further and further away from her. Her memory.

They say that we remember certain memories because they're connected to deep emotion. Whether be happy, sad, scared, angry etc. But the feel of her in my belly, in my arms when she passed away, all those horrible feelings and memories, time is taking me further away from HER. When she was a person. Now, she sits next to the tv in her beautiful urn so what's left of her... Which isn't much, is with me but her in person. She's gone. At times, it's really hard to accept that.

I don't bother talking to Leaman because he has enough trouble with the daughter he has. So once again, he sticks his head in the sand, thumb up his arse and makes no effort at all. So now I have his ex wife contacting me to discuss shit because obviously he "tries" but not hard enough. I haven't told him this but I agree with her. 100%. I guess it's different between mums and dads. So Katy, his ex wife and I are going to try and get him to see his daughter. Not that he doesn't want to. To be fair, lately it's been a clash of schedules, but she is a teenager and yes, when she's made plans to come here, she's made arrangements elsewhere with her friends and Katy is the one contacting him having a pop because he should be making arrangements. I did tell her that he has tried but she has flaked out on him the last 3 times he's tried to see her but yes I agree, if you need to see your kid, you move hell on earth to make that happen. But hey, what do I know?! 🤷‍♀️ I'm just nagging at him. So now I don't say anything to him. What's the point? His noncommittal responses and constantly defending himself that's its not him just pisses me off. I got my own issues and shit to deal with. Funny, you would think though after losing his baby daughter that he would be more, I dunno, more attentive towards the kids he does have. But again, what do I know?

Time to lock this shit down for the night. Dominic finishes year 2 on Wednesday, he's scared and a little nervous so I focus is solely on that boy right there.

Oh, it was so funny on sports day. Every day I tell him, its not about winning or losing but taking part and having fun. Which is true. However, 🤣, when he was getting ready to race in his competitions, inside I was thinking, gone on son, beat those other little shits!! 🤣🤣🤣 OMG I knew I was competitive, for me. But for that, I was busting out laughing. Even so, even if he lost, I would have still cheered him on and made sure he knew he did an excellent job. But yes, I, unfortunately, am one of those mums!!!! I can still picture the scene now. On the outside and I'm smiling and clapping for all of them (AND I WAS) but on the inside, whoa...!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Well he won 3 out of his 5 races. I was so proud of him. I would and am proud of him regardless, but for him, it was a confidence boost. You could see it clear as day once he won the first one, he was geared up for the next race.