#sometimes theres suffering in progress and i dont have any other solution

[trebledeath]

It's over lads

[krpk-remaking]

on kurapikas view of himself and his relations with leorio and prince woble (again)

this is a continuation of/add on to this post i made! you dont have to read it to understand this but i would really appreciate it if you did! also, shoutout to mags @senritsus again for helping me with this, again! <3

im gonna be talking about kurapikas very negative of himself, the importance of leorio to his arc (again, i know) and ill go more in depth about the importance of prince woble, since i forgot some important parts in my original post!

1. Kurapikas Selfloathing

Kurapika seems to truly believe, that the people around him dont, or shouldnt care about him.  Right now he sees his quest for revenge as his only reason to live, though that might be slowly changing (hopefully).

Here, he refers to his journy finally beginning, the journey he wanted to take way back when he first left, but his clan was murdered only six weeks after he left and after that his only reason for traveling was his quest for revenge.

It was the purpose he had give himself and now hes scared of where he should go, when that purpose is fulfilled.

He genuinely doesnt seem to be able to fathom, that anyone could truly care about him

Heres Mizai, directly telling him, that Leorio cares about him, “values him highly” to which Kurapika responds “I wonder about that. To be honest i really dont think my ability will be of much help within the dark continent.”

Kurapika measures his worth to others, especially Leorio here, through his ability to fight.

He wonders if Leorio values him. He doesnt know, hes unsure, after Leorio has tried to call him for over a year, Kurapika thinks that the only thing Leorio could possibly value about him, is his ability to fight.

He thinks thats the reason, that Leorio suggested him for a position in the Zodiacs.

Kurapika thinks his only reason to live his is revenge and as such sees no worth for himself as a person.

He really doesnt see himself as human anymore and just someone, who lives for a revenge, a beast in humans clothing.

The reasons he keeps pushing Leorio away and denying, that Leorio cares about him in any ways is that hes scared to get close to people since he doesnt want to suffer through the pain of losing someone again, hes scared to let people close because he seems himself as bad influence, and he believes he doesnt deserve any care Leorio shows him. Hes still not convinced that Leorio truly cares about him as a Person (see: “I wonder about that”), which brings me to:

2. Kurapikas Relationship With Leorio

Ive said it before and ill say it again. Leorio and Kurapika are absolutely crucial to the others development. I have made a post about this but it wasnt very thought out and really mostly just me, being very very mad at three am, so ill talk about it properly now.

2.1 Thematic Connection Through The Narrative

Back when Kurapika first left his village, he left to explore, to have fun (as instructed by Pairo), and to find a doctor. Leorio wants to be a doctor. Togashi easily couldve made Kurapika leave for just those reasons or for any other reasons. Leorio couldve wanted to be anything else but both of them want to find/want to be a doctor and i do believe that has a lot of significance.

I think this is the exact moment, Kurapika came to truly appreciate Leorio, after seeing how he is actually dedicated to helping others and after finding out that he wants to be a doctor. And, maybe not so coincidentally, Kurapika also seems to be at his best during the first arc, even laughing. The only other time he laughs is way after the hunter exam arc, when Gon and Killua have their food fight, but thats it.

Though, this has a lot to do with Kurapika being around Children, who seem to calm him down (possibly because they remind him of pairo) Ive actually kind of talked about that too! The thematic connection continues with the fact, that both had a friend die.

This adds on to the moment, where they actually truly became friends. Kurapika realizes that Leorio has experienced loss too and they connect through that fact on a personal and thematic level. Also, during this arc, when Killua and Gon are constantly paired up, so are Kurapika and Leorio but thats probably just so the four protagonists could all stay in their little group.

And of course, The Zodiac Connection. Their appearances are obviously similar:

And Pariston seems to have some features from Leorio too, same with Ging and Kurapika They seem to be foils of eachother in a way, more obviously with Ging and Leorio with the whole caring about Gon thing. Ging and Paristons Relationship mirrors the Relationship Leorio and Kurapika had at the very beginning, before the Hunter exam started, though theirs was more lighthearted because they were still teens while Ging and Pariston are fully grown adults. Pariston and Kurapika also both seem to have two sides to their personality, that they dont always show, Kurapikas being his happier side that was mostly showing during the hunter exam when he had a strong support system and Paristons being his sinister one thats very unlike the cheery public persona he puts on, mirroring Kurapika once again. Right now, in the manga, Ging and Pariston are working together, while Kurapika and Leorio are apart and Paristons and Gings teaming up also happend, while Kurapika went to join the Zodiacs, reuniting with Leorio. Since Ging and Pariston are so important to the others arc right now, I think Leorio will definitely come into play sometime this arc.

Also, a sidenote: This arc seems to be shaping up to be the chimera ant arc equivalent for Kurapika and hopefully Leorio too, since it comes almost directly after it, does not involve Killua and Gon at all (just like the chimera ant arc had no Leorio and Kurapika), involves the dark continent in a way (just like the chimera ant arc, since that is where they came from) and has Killua and Gon seperated, like Leorio and Kurapika where during the chimera ant arc.

Killua and Gon begun the chimera ant arc together and ended it with their Seperation. Leorio and Kurapika begun this arc seperately (with a short reunion) and maybe they will end it with being together, but this is mostly just me hoping.

(And this time its Mizai dealing with all of their teen angst.)

2.2 Personal Connection, Their Relationship

I really have seen barely any meta on their relationship which i think is a crime because its really so good and interesting, so, here i go!

Kurapikas and Leorios Friendship starts out very rocky, obviously. They butt heads when they first meet and have a lot of petty arguments well after that but as their bond strenghtens those lessen.

At the beginning of the hunter exam arc, they were pretty much at eachothers throats, then they learn about eachothers real motivations, spend more time together and begin to value eachother more.

here are some moments where leorio helps kurapika loosen up

and here are some where its obvious that kurapika does think highly of leorio and sees him as his equal.

Selflessness seems to be a trait Kurapika admires. When it first became obvious that Leorio actually wanted the money to help people, their relationship immediately improved.

As shown above, by the time they reach the island stage, Kurapika trusts Leorio enough to want to team up with him.

And the appreciation is definitely mutual. Leorio sees Kurapika as his friends and he values all of his friends highly. Also, Kurapika appears to help him be more rational > stopping him from attacking that old woman > trying to calm him during arguments

(Not when Illumi was threatening Gon and Killua though but thats very understandable.)

Then, during the yorknew arc, Leorio starts their tradition of calling and not picking up and later insists on helping him, and tries to calm him, multiple times, eventually succeeding (kind of).

Later, when Kurapika comes down with his fever, Leorio is right there, taking care of him. It shows how much he worries for and cares about Kurapika and how he really doesnt want to lose another friend.

Heres him telling Melody to take care of Kurapika, knowing that she will be at his side as a colleague.

Then, way way later when they finally reunite, after Leorios been trying to call for so long and Kurapikas been climbing the mafia ranks and pushing everyone away, they still care so much about eachother.

Kurapika feels better with Leorio around and hes thankful for him but still believes that he doesnt deserve any care. And its obvious to everyone, except Kurapika apparently, that Leorio cares, so much.

Leorio also feels better with Kurapika around, someone he knows and trusts. And they do know eachother well. Kurapika notes, that he isnt even “the shy or socially anxious type” , which either implies that this is a very stressful situation for Leorio, or, that Leorio is just using being “uncomfortable” as an excuse to see Kurapika. Though it really is more likely that its the first one, im just throwing this out here.

Then of course, theres this, which ill never shut up about:

Its Kurapikas Mentor, telling him, that hes gonna need allies he genuinely cares about to progress forward, to which Kurapika thinks that he was right since progressing forward like this wasnt that simple, but his solution to that seems to be wanting to get even stronger, he doesnt want to endanger anyone, he doesnt want to care about people, but its not that simple in reality, cue: pictures of Gon, Killua, Leorio and Prince Woble, the four people he canonically cares most about. Since this is the section about Leorio, ill go more in depth about his panel here and later, ill talk about Prince Woble.

Hes thinking about moments where they made him happy/made him care about them, Gon and Killua with their food fight in the park where they cheered him up and Leorio on the phone. Its him calling to check up on Kurapika. Kurapika really did appreciate it so much, even if he doesnt show it, even if he keeps pushing Leorio away. And he does care about them, even if he doesnt want to! The way Leorio expresses care for his friends, which is very vocal and direct, is so good for Kurapika because even if he still cant really believe or accept it, its still something he appreciates, somehow. I am not (!) saying that they will definitely end up with eachother but they are definitely incredibly important to the others character development and i dont think Togashi will forget about that. Now, for my last point.

3. Kurapikas Relations With Prince Woble

Prince Woble is so, so important to Kurapika, this isnt news and Kurapika holds an incredible amount of empathy for little kids, seen in his interactions with Gon and Killua too and now with Prince Woble.

He really is very dedicated to protecting Prince Woble in this arc, prepared to full on die for her. To directly quote my other meta post about this,

“Kurapikas arc appears to very much be about him finding the human connection, that he lost when his clan was killed, again, effectively making this found family story a Big Deal thematically. Him finding a new purpose in life through taking care of Woble would be, in my opinion, a thematically satisfying ending for Kurapikas arc, since its been said by many in-story characters that his search for revenge will only destroy him in the end”

Though, the important part, that i neglected in my first post since i cant read, is, that when Kurapika thinks about the people he cares about, he also thinks about her.

I really, really hope that this is some kind of foreshadowing of him actually taking care of Prince Woble in the future. It would be the perfect way for Kurapika to find new purpose in life and for him to become human again, in his eyes. Also, i am a little worried about the dark aura that Kurapika senses from her sometimes, but i really dont know what to make of that as of now.

Anyways, you did it! thank you so so much for reading i really appreciate it! If you have anymore thoughts please come send me an ask or something im always open for discussion! always!!

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!