#sometimes the worst* podcast is the same one where some of the characters feel so real it gives you shrimp emotions

[tobitenkit]

kicking my feet and giggling i love consuming problematic media sooooo much

[women-of-malevolent]

I genuinely don’t mean this from a place of malice, and do think the podcast both has a history of handling its women characters poorly and would like if it were better in that aspect. But I don’t understand the specific criticism of the work having a running theme of “male characters uncritically sacrificing their daughters.” (Key word uncritically.)

The titular Bella episode directly forces Arthur to confront the idea that him and Larson are similar, that the callousness they showed to their loved ones is intentionally paralleled. I don’t think it’s something the story is unaware of, and I’d hesitate to argue that Arthur (or Daniel, later) is presented as being in the definitive right. (In this regard.)

I don’t think you have to love the prevalence of the concept in the narrative, but I do think some of your critique feels like you’re taking the worst interpretation you could from the story and arguing that because the characters themselves don’t actively stop the plot to condemn it (and honestly, they do sometimes) it means the actions are presented as wholly value neutral. Some of your analysis feels like you’re starting from a conclusion and working your way back.

I want to reiterate: I really enjoy most of your critiques, and it’s refreshing to have someone in the fandom both document female presence in the podcast and speak candidly about its flaws. I’d honestly love to know if/why you disagree, either with regards to intentionality or necessity of inclusion.

Hello! Thanks for writing in!

I'm not sure which post you're referencing where I said the daughter-sacrifice theme was uncritically portrayed? Because I don't think it is. The story portrays daughter-sacrifice as varying shades of terrible, graded according to intent. These less-than-ideal men keep hurting the women they should have protected.

My problem with the daughter-sacrifice theme is the same as my problem the rest of the show: it's exclusively about men. Daughters aren't people, they're glass sculptures for men to carry for 18 years, and what those men do with that piece of glass in that time tells you about the character of that man.

Who are Addison, Faroe, Emily, Samantha, Murdered Daughter Of A Senator, fuck even Sarah, if you take away the men who hurt them? Looking at just the text of Malevolent, none of the liveplay games lore or headcanons etc, there's little to nothing to these girls.

You're not invited to spend time inhabiting any woman's life like you are with Arthur (or John, to a significantly lesser extent). You can, and I do, but it feels like reading against the text because their lives are boring, horrible, difficult to parse, and they usually end in childbirth or femicide. It's fucking miserable!

The men are trapped in the same bleak, violent story, and a lot of them die graphically and onscreen, but most of them also get some combo of moments of triumph, personalities, voices, independence, quirks that narratively make that violence go down smoother. (Also smoother because there are so many fun and fascinating male characters)

Also, honestly, I don't enjoy how the theme is explored. It feels shallow and lame to me. I personally, as a listener, don't feel like this specific story has ~earned~ (in my personal, idiosyncratic, things-I-like-in-fiction, subjective assessment) exploring the horror of femicide when 1) there are zero normal, living female characters (Marie is very close, but no cigar); 2) all it seems to really say is basically… murder is bad (sometimes) (usually?) (sometimes, at least), and it's extra bad when men kill their dependent women?

Standard disclaimer that it ain't over 'til it's over, what we got is not great so far but it ain't over

Thank you again and I'd be so happy to continue this conversation if you want!

[utilitycaster]

Like, i get it that people can be frustrated that something they really like on a character, (ie. Glasses on Imogen) is not canon, and i get making shitposts about it or venting for whatever reason

The problem lies when people make a whole thread about how a player doesn't know their character and their canon decisions are bad somehow? And it's not like Laura hasn't acknowledged the glasses hc, she has several times in th show, she just doesn't share that canon for whatever reason she might have

It's a big problem with actual play podcasts that the viewers take away from the player's agency to play their own canon, CR has a big breach between the audience and the players, plus the fact that they are professional actors, so viewer opinions rarely influence the characters in a meaningful way. But MAN is it frustrating to see

So I agree with much but not all of this. Because here's the thing: this is not actually a breach of player agency. Like, to be clear, I think the people doing this sometimes believe that if they're loud and obnoxious enough they'll get what they want, but in the end what this means is that you might notice that the players of any podcast/show that's large enough that they don't rely on Twitter for connections anymore have become really hard to reach on Twitter. Like, no matter how much art people make of Imogen in glasses, in the end, Laura decides, and she can just block people she doesn't like. And frankly, even when Critical Role was live? So much was quietly decided behind the scenes. Like, Taliesin had decided Molly was not a character who could be resurrected from well before Molly's death; no matter how much some sad rando on Twitter screams and cries even to this day, it won't change that.

I think it's okay to wish your fanon were canon - I mean, technically that's all shipping is, right - but I think there's a point where someone with a reasonable relationship to fiction says "man, that sucks that this went in a direction other than the one I wanted" or even "I don't like how this was written/played out" but to say it's objectively incorrect is just...you don't know what's correct! There isn't necessarily an objectively correct answer!

I also think that while Laura creating Imogen as a character who doesn't wear glasses is not an example of this, two of the biggest examples of entitled fans I can think of recently are the current ACOC D20 debacle, and the incredibly misogynist and obnoxious way people talked about Madeleine Roux's Lucien book. The people screaming the loudest have all, truly, been people who created fanon, and who then saw someone else be hired to essentially create sanctioned canon as a collaborator and instead of saying "oh cool! someone else playing in my same space doing their thing" they threw a massive tantrum because the other person had different ideas. It's literally just people who are bad at understanding that other people exist separately from them and have their own feelings and ideas. Coincidentally, people who lack this kind of understanding also tend to come up with really stupid ideas.

Honestly that's kind of the guiding principle behind the vast majority of fandom bullshit:

People want to simultaneously have the scrappy independence and cool fuck-the-man vibes of the underdog [fanon], and the actual power of those in charge [canon]. Obviously, this is impossible. If you realize this you'll be able to strike a balance. You will also understand a lot of real-world political and social dynamics on the micro and macro level.

I keep going to metaphors of early childhood here and some of this is because I have three younger siblings so I've seen (and been a part of) this countless times, and some of it is because truly all of this is full-grown adults acting like the worst kid in preschool who is definitely going to have to repeat it because they are not kindergarten ready but like, the vibe is when a child is not playing with a toy but also if anyone else touches the toy they scream bloody murder.

Anyway though as I said yesterday, yeah it's frustrating because you're watching people who are, as I think I said once, like a dog in a crate where the door is open but they're too fixated on trying to somehow push through the bars to turn around. But also it's a great source of mostly meaningless schadenfreude, because like, I'd feel bad if someone actually had bad things happen to them but if like, a ship doesn't happen, or Imogen doesn't wear glasses? That's just funny and enjoyable. I think an important skill in life is to say "yes it's incredibly annoying how much people are whining about this, but also they didn't get what they wanted, which is very funny."

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 3/7/2023

soooooo there's another classic Dad Movie character ive adopted bc ive decided he's bisexual

listening

Black Hole Baby by Superorganism. i would put a marker down and say this is the sound of the summer but this came out last summer :/ the very flat (slightly chiptune?) delivery of the lyrics combined with the hyper bouncy...squelchy??? lasers? is extremely fun. this song is neither creepy nor wet but it is viscous bc u are on a spaceship partying as a black hole is Getting You

listen. anything that starts off with subway chimes and the following lyrics is going to be good. these are good song choices in my mind.

I've been eating fruit I've been sleeping well when I can

the bridge in the middle with bits and pieces of radio hosts shouting them out-- i could take it or leave it. i do like how this band namedrops themselves constantly. it's like an oil painting at an estate sale with a huge legible signature at the bottom.

-

reading

i have read about three-quarters of raymond chandler's oeuvre (hardboiled detective/film noir author and screenwriter of note) this week. i cannot in good faith recommend these books because they contain some of the worst excesses of their time, which is good bc this is not a review series.

sometimes, i'm watching or reading something and i decide it would be a good tuesdaypost candidate. i hate the term consume but it's the quickest descriptor here, so bear with me. if i am consuming a work based on the recommendation of a friend, it changes how i consume the work-- i'm on the lookout for the elements they used in their pitch. if i'm consuming a work to write an article or paper (rare these days) i'm stopping halfway through to take notes, i'm rewinding to catch details, i'm delving into interviews, i often fully rewatch or reread. if i'm liveblogging something i am mostly on the lookout for humorous and/or gay bits. if in the middle of something i catch myself thinking "ooh this would be good to talk about for the tuesdaypost" that introduces another like, film or lit crit level to the rest of my time with the work. it's very difficult to turn that part of my brain off.

when i am reading things just for me, none of that is there. i am fully immersed, my disbelief is suspended. i am not thinking about anything else but the story that is being told to me. ive spent a great deal of time with these books this week and it feels weird not to talk about them, but they are something i really enjoyed that was just for me.

i honestly don't know how to unpack my enjoyment of works that (at times) reflect the quite extreme racism of their author-- the one that grabbed me the most, Farewell My Lovely, contained some of the most callous and exceptionally cruel shit i've ever read. it also contained some of the most fascinatingly complex inner workings of an extremely closeted bisexual guy with ptsd i've ever read. i don't know how to talk about these books in an interesting or balanced way.

even if i did know how to unpack these things, the brief and light weekly roundup post on goddamn tumblr dot com (home to no nuance whatsoever) would not be the venue. this is an anti-review, in a way.

-

watching

a fuck of a lot actually bc i'm really trying to crank out this baby blanket and podcasts aren't really doing it. same username on letterboxd if u want to see early drafts of this tuesdaypost section.

i watched many films that came on two vhs tapes when i was little, bc charlton heston was one of my mom's favorite actors. i did not see spartacus when i was little but i did see the entirety of ben hur AND the ten commandments before i was eight. i can't make that make sense either.

anyway i have a soft spot for epics but only when i am actively doing things with my hands. this one has a more interesting making-of story than the actual movie, imo. this one also had oddly christian overtones, for being set in a time where christ and christianity did not yet exist. like many critics of the time, i have no strong feelings about mr douglas' acting. i really, really liked the soundtrack-- a delight to hear the love theme in context after hearing it in a thousand different soundtrack theme compilations!

-

playing

nothing that wasn't a phone game i've already talked about

-

making

five and a half repeats!!! i am aiming for ten repeats plus some sort of i-cord border so this is roughly halfwayish

i took this in broad daylight after a meeting like "if i knit more tonight i'll take another photo" and then i didn't knit any more tonight i read a bad western and halfheartedly liveblogged it

[kylesvariouslistsandstuff]

EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS is such a confounding movie.

I recently watched a batch of deleted scenes, of which I wasn't aware of until rather recently. I had once listened to its director, Seth Kearsley, talk about the picture on a podcast as well. Fascinating stuff all around about its production, and all the ins and outs, how they went about their decision-making, etc. Seemed like it was a fun movie for many of its crew to work on, and they seemed to be treated well too. RARE for an animated movie of this caliber, it seems.

It has gone down, almost notoriously, as being considered one of the "worst" animated movies ever...

Weirdly, when I was 11 years old, I was lowkey OBSESSED with this movie. I didn't even know it existed until it was out on DVD, and when I watched the whole thing through, I was hooked for some reason. Maybe it was because it was, at the time, a good-sized 2D animated feature that wasn't set in the past, a fantasy world, a sci-fi setting, or anything like that. EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS wasn't IRON GIANT nor EL DORADO nor SPIRIT nor TITAN A.E. nor TREASURE PLANET... It wasn't like LILO & STITCH from the same year either, which is also a contemporary story, but that has aliens in it! And was family-friendly. This was set in the present, it was more for adults, it was just people being people with *some* cartoony elements (such as cute anthropomorphic deer and some of the exaggerated, if not demeaning character designs), it was even really semi-realistically gross in some parts (and not in the sort of, say, exaggerated REN & STIMPY way), it could've easily been a live-action Happy Madison production. But it wasn't. Many of the movie's detractors feel it should've just been done in live-action.

The movie is inspired by the Whitey character from one of Adam Sandler's comedy albums, and sometimes I feel the movie could've worked better with him as the main character and Davey a complex deuteragonist. Going through the deleted scenes, you could tell the crew went through a few ideas of just how far they wanted to push the exaggerated, cartoony stuff. What kind of jokes they thought could work or that they could get away with, etc. Certainly a cartoonish decapitation of a kid, and a monkey that explodes into a gory mess would've easily landed this thing an R rating, but they weren't going for that ultimately. You have this weird mix of a very dark and often mean movie, but it's also PG-13 and it doesn't go too far so it's more accessible to kids and still fits the bill of being a "warm holiday special" kind of movie. I do gotta give props to the filmmakers for wanting to make a big, mainstream Hanukkah movie in a sea of gazillions of Christmas movies, no matter the end result.

And yet... It worked on this fellow when they were 11 years old, so Sandler, Kearsley and his crew must've done something right! I can quote most of this, that's how obsessed I was with this movie circa December 2003-January 2004. With holiday money or something, I literally bought the VHS of it. We had it on DVD as well, but I bought a VHS for myself because back then, I did not have a DVD player in my room... So, a tape it was. It came with the live-action short A DAY WITH THE MEATBALL, starring Adam Sandler's bulldog at the time, much like the DVD.

So yeah, I find it a fascinating movie to this day, not because of its battlefield of tones (life itself is tonally uneven, too) or some of its truly strange sequences such as the one where the product placement all comes to life in the mall, but because of its history and also... The visuals are quite nice. IRON GIANT animation team involved (the boy Benjamin kinda reminded me of Hogarth anyways, of course I made the connection at a young age), and even the songs I find amusing. They got Alison Krauss to sing on at least one of them, so that's a plus. Some of the eleventh hour rushed stuff, such as the declining animation quality on the townspeople during the Bum Biddy bit, is fun to spot too. And I do overall like the premise of this movie; a relentlessly kind man who is overlooked by his community Odd Couple-ing with a total asshole who had a tragic childhood, in a sort of blah and miserable blue-collar town setting, some heavy stuff that this movie that - with more tact and less poopy jokes - could've really handled well.

I hate the term "guilty pleasure", but this could possibly be that for me. That's what I like about "bad" animated movies of the '90s and early '00s, there's usually something very interesting going on in it, whether it's through the seemingly-confused storytelling or the idiosyncratic choices in the visuals. I think with a slew of cheap live-action movies, those are indeed efforts at the end of the day, but with an animated movie... There's a lot more to it, and that it's a miracle one of these things even gets finished, let alone released. In live-action, it's just they shot a bit and did some post... With an animated film like this, a lot happens along the way, no matter the end product. It's easy to say "it's all negated by the script", but I think it's more complex than that... And that's part of what I find appealing about EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS to this day.

[iviarellereads]

Wheel of Time full series spoiler thoughts on EOTW 44-48

A probably semi-regular weekly bonus to my reread blog, since sometimes you realize things on reread that just make you need to yell in a full spoiler space.

I really do, unironically, love how the Ways get used like, three times, and one of those is just "make Loial disappear for a while so he can come back as a bit of a surprise", and then are never addressed again. They're almost as bad as the portal stones.

Min saw things indeed, Moiraine. I'm sure Min told her she'd marry Thom one day, because even before she went through the question-door she told the Wondergirls she knew the face of her future husband. (Fix It Rafe, Please God Fix It Rafe.)

And here's probably where Fain makes besties with Machin Shin, since he's already passed through Shadar Logoth and become Faindeth. Two evils to rule them all.

And speaking of the Black Wind, I really like what the show did with it. Again, yes, I know, I'm terribly predictable, and if you think "I liked the show" is controversial I really don't know what you're still doing here. But, this whole "flay and plait the flesh" bit might be really scary to some, but speaking to your personal deepest insecurities? Now THAT is a universal fear.

Agelmar hates to think any Shienaran under his command could be a Darkfriend… with Ingtar just having left the room. HA!

Giving Jain Charin/Farstrider's name here at the end of book 1 is such genius. I know Ali of the Wheel Takes podcast basically pointed right at him in Graendal's menagerie and said THAT'S JAIN FARSTRIDER, NO QUESTION but I'm not caught up enough to know if she guessed that Noal was him as well, sharing his family name and all.

If I have one thing to complain about in the show, I think they did Agelmar dirty. The whole of episodes 7 and 8 are so heavily affected by Covid restrictions and Barney Harris leaving the production (you can see the Mat-shaped hole in the dialogue), and they're using character death to differentiate from the books in a lot of ways, but I genuinely think Agelmar and Amalisa got the worst of it, both dying.

Egg quoting the line about redemption back into the Light, here, just… chef's kiss. Next book we get Ingtar, and in book 12, of course, Verin.

Rand feeling an itchy spot on his back, somehow knowing that Fain can feel him, is watching him through all these walls.

Egg declaring Rand will be her Warder, the rare time RJ has a character say something that doesn't come true in some way. I wonder if he still planned it somehow back here, though, to say it like that, the same way he has people say EVERYTHING ELSE that happens, just not always the way you think.

And, Nynaeve's confession. Oh, those two. I know they'll work it out eventually but oh, my heart in the mean time.

[flirting-with-psychology]

Survey by Robotease

Do you like zombie movies?

Not really

What’s the grossest/worst thing you’ve ever seen in a public restroom?

Probably vomit

What’s the most wasteful thing you regularly do?

Throw away recyclables because my apartment doesn't have recycling

What’s the most difficult apology you’ve ever had to give?

Not sure, probably apologizing for breaking something as a kid or teen

What’s the worst relationship advice you’ve ever seen?

That asking out someone I like is desperate but looking for a hookup at a club isn't

Have you ever volunteered in a hospital? If not, would you ever want to?

No and no

What was your worst Halloween costume?

Probably just re-wearing one because I couldn't think of something new

Who has/had the worst reputation in your graduating class?

I probably don't know them, I hung out with the nerds

When was the first time you can remember feeling mature?

Never

Have you ever had a disappointing Christmas, or any disappointing holiday if you don’t celebrate Christmas?

Yeah, when I was trying to get over someone

Do you have any character bandaids in your house right now, or just plain ones?

Just plain ones

Have you ever had to give a pet away?

No, but there was a dog we almost adopted, brought her home for a trial period, but had to bring her back because she didn't get along with our cat

What’s the junkiest junk food you’ve ever eaten?

Idk probably like funnel cake or something

Did you play pretend a lot as a child? Were there any recurring plots or themes?

Yes, lots of animals and princesses

How do you feel about runny egg yolks?

Yum

Has a teacher ever tried to teach you something that was undeniably wrong?

Yeah

If for some reason you had to give up one of your hobbies, which would you choose?

Maybe wood burning, I'm kinda getting tired of it anyway. Or being on my phone all the time lol

Have you ever hidden a relationship from your family?

No

How much do you know about first aid?

Not much

Which of your relatives do you know the least about?

The ones on my mom's side

Have you ever meditated? If so, did it do anything for you?

Tried a little but I didn't like it, it's too hard to clear my brain and then I just get bored

Have you ever given advice to someone who was much older than you?

Yeah sometimes to my parents

Have you ever used a view-master?

I don’t know what that is

Do you ever listen to talk radio or podcasts? If you do, what are some of your favorite shows?

Occasionally. I like Every Single Album: Taylor Swift

When was the last time you got ice cream from a truck?

Last summer

Are any of your favorite bands broken up or on hiatus right now?

Not that I know of

Do you know any sex workers? If so, how do they feel about their job?

I know a former stipper, she was positive about it

What’s the biggest art project you’ve ever attempted? How did it go?

My Detroit: Become Human costume. Went pretty well but it took forever

What kind of wild animals do you see most frequently where you live?

Squirrels and birds

Have you ever cooked anything other than s’mores over a fire?

Maybe?

Are there any items in your house that you use for something other than its intended purpose?

We have an instant pot still in its box that we use as a coffee table

What do you hope the afterlife is like?

I don't believe in the afterlife, I would like to believe in reincarnation or the afterlife from The Good Place (at the end) but neither are probably true

What’s the worst behavior you’ve ever seen from a child?

Bullying

Have you ever planned an act of revenge?

A little but never went through with it

Do you and your parents share any of the same hobbies?

My mom and I like going antique shopping together

Do you think it’s more exciting or scary to get older?

Scary

How was the reception of the last wedding you attended?

Kinda lame tbh, there was no dancing or booze so we all just went to the hotel bar

Do you have any physical photo albums?

Yes, old ones

Would you feel comfortable working at a sex shop?

No

Who was the worst friend you ever had?

A girl who cut me off randomly

What’s the biggest sacrifice you’ve ever made?

Not sure, I'm pretty selfish

Have you ever campaigned for a political candidate, or otherwise played an active role in an election?

No

What’s the coolest hand-me-down you’ve ever gotten? What about the best one you’ve ever given?

Gotten, probably some dresses from my friend's grandma. I haven't really given any hand-me-downs other than my baby crib but that was really my parents giving it away

Do your parents and grandparents get along with each other?

They did

[fictionzsurveys]

Survey by Robotease 1. Do you like zombie movies? Sometimes. Depends on their approach.

2. What’s the grossest/worst thing you’ve ever seen in a public restroom? Any unflushed toilet.

3. What’s the most wasteful thing you regularly do? I eat takeout every day so I really pile up single use plastics.

4. What’s the most difficult apology you’ve ever had to give? Admitting I’d e-stalked someone.

5. What’s the worst relationship advice you’ve ever seen? Find someone to take care of you.

6. Have you ever volunteered in a hospital? If not, would you ever want to? Nope. Yes, I’d like to train in basic care.

7. What was your worst Halloween costume? A clown.

8. Who has/had the worst reputation in your graduating class? No idea. I don’t keep up with anyone.

9. When was the first time you can remember feeling mature? When I moved out.

10. Have you ever had a disappointing Christmas, or any disappointing holiday if you don’t celebrate Christmas? Sure. The one time I got sick and depressed after an emotional break.

11. Do you have any character bandaids in your house right now, or just plain ones? Nope.

12. Have you ever had to give a pet away? Yep.

13. What’s the junkiest junk food you’ve ever eaten? Ice cream of any kind.

14. Did you play pretend a lot as a child? Were there any recurring plots or themes? Sure. We’d play explorers and crawl around between buildings and in bushes.

15. How do you feel about runny egg yolks? Not for me. It’s bland goop.

16. Has a teacher ever tried to teach you something that was undeniably wrong? Not that I recall.

17. If for some reason you had to give up one of your hobbies, which would you choose? This is a cruel choice. I’d give up the piano.

18. Have you ever hidden a relationship from your family? Yep.

19. How much do you know about first aid? Very little. Put alcohol or peroxide on a wound, put a patch on it.

20. Which of your relatives do you know the least about? Probably the ones in Chicago.

21. Have you ever meditated? If so, did it do anything for you? Nope.

22. Have you ever given advice to someone who was much older than you? I think so.

23. Have you ever used a view-master? Yep.

24. Do you ever listen to talk radio or podcasts? If you do, what are some of your favorite shows? Constantly. It’s usually media/comedy podcasts where they discuss a movie, show, video game, or book.

25. When was the last time you got ice cream from a truck? Many years.

26. Are any of your favorite bands broken up or on hiatus right now? No idea.

27. Do you know any sex workers? If so, how do they feel about their job? None that I know of.

28. What’s the biggest art project you’ve ever attempted? How did it go? Maybe a mask I made for Halloween some years ago. I had to repaint it twice.

29. What kind of wild animals do you see most frequently where you live? Squirrels and crows.

30. Have you ever cooked anything other than s’mores over a fire? Hot dogs I’d guess.

31. Are there any items in your house that you use for something other than its intended purpose? Maybe using a heavy object as a hammer.

32. What do you hope the afterlife is like? Non-existence.

33. What’s the worst behavior you’ve ever seen from a child? Bullying other kids.

34. Have you ever planned an act of revenge? Yep.

35. Do you and your parents share any of the same hobbies? Watching movies and TV shows.

36. Do you think it’s more exciting or scary to get older? Exciting.

37. How was the reception of the last wedding you attended? People seemed to enjoy it.

38. Do you have any physical photo albums? I have some in my possession, but only temporarily as I scan them all in.

39. Would you feel comfortable working at a sex shop? If they pay well.

40. Who was the worst friend you ever had? The one who made fun of everyone and bulled them.

41. What’s the biggest sacrifice you’ve ever made? I don’t make big sacrifices, just many small ones.

42. Have you ever campaigned for a political candidate, or otherwise played an active role in an election? Nope.

43. What’s the coolest hand-me-down you’ve ever gotten? What about the best one you’ve ever given? A SNES. I gave someone a computer.

44. Do your parents and grandparents get along with each other? I think so. I don’t look into it much.

[traitor-boyfriend]

paragraphs-long episode 2 thoughts/comments/concerns incoming:

- this episode certainly felt more disjointed than the last, where the two concurrent story lines really don’t meet in a cogent way until the near-end of the episode, but with that said i didn’t hate it. there are some pacing issues, but while i certainly don’t think it was bad, but i hesitate to say it was great? i’d call it maybe average, i feel pretty neutral on it right now -- it has a lot of high moments despite that. though, this episode is really fascinating when we’re talking about character development. trey parker must’ve seen all the bitching and moaning i’ve done as of late about the lack of kyle-based plot lines and gave us a twofer (trey parker i know you read my blog please call me).

- ike crying as it cuts to the queen’s splayed dead body in the casket got a deep chuckle out of me. it’s funny how even ike sounds more adult now, too.

- kyle and ike fighting over the computer gave me the worst mid-aughts flashbacks to the “computer room” and fighting with my own brothers for screen time.

- butters has become SO conniving and i’m kind of into it… i have come to love butters’ progressive degradation as a character into something that is much. i don’t believe he’s intentionally trying to fuck with kyle but i do think that he picks up quickly on kyle’s affect and wastes no time in recruitment. bebe kicking the shit out of butters was also wonderful; it’s been a while since bebe’s had more than a nominal bone thrown her way so it was nice for her to have a couple speaking lines.

-it's inevitable given south park's role in television specifically to mock and parody american culture and celebrity that they will get it wrong sometimes in who they choose to go after and how hard. the case could easily be made given the public reckoning there's been over the public treatment of female celebrities specifically that someone like paris hilton is one of those people, or sarah jessica parker, or even someone like bono if you're so inclined; people had this conversation a lot surrounding britney spears and the dissolution of her conservatorship, though that's a fundamental misunderstanding of the message of that episode (and in a minor way, south park acknowledging its own role in that phenomenon.) i've been waiting to come back to this post because i wanted to see the response from a u.k. audience toward the worldwide privacy tour as well.

this, to me, is not one of those moments. this is absolutely an occasion where i’m on the side of south park and the tone of their mockery. sorry but i can’t even pretend to have sympathy for the richer-than-god failson of one of the oldest monarchies in the world. please keep in mind this in no way a defense of the royal family in any shape or form. this does not change that prince harry and meghan markle are extremely annoying opportunists; i did find it amusing to see the ways in which they cause disruption in the episode because it doesn’t feel that far off. the mention of all these interviews, books, tv shows and appearances, podcasts rehashing the same information over and over etc. are all set up for... what, exactly -- to garner support for meghan markle’s inevitable bid for some form of public office, probably something CA state-level? prince harry’s shitty, condescending advertisements hawking online therapy that both prey on vulnerable people who don't know how vastly unregulated and predatory these telehealth outlets are and cements his public image as a deeply sensitive & misunderstood victim? barf.

the most condemnation i've seen regarding this episode has to do with the idea south park is downplaying the role racism both within the royal family and the broader public of the united kingdom exhibited toward meghan markle, which is cited as one of the major reasons for the animosity between prince harry and the royal family. the episode seems to address this through one line specifically -- the line "he's ignoring me because i'm an ethnic woman!" and prince harry's "wait, you're ethnic?" i'm not going into depth about racism and meghan markle and the british royal family, but i do know from passing conversation i've had with lots of (american) people around the time of harry and meghan's wedding is that a lot of people did not know meghan markle was biracial until it became a prominent talking point. this wades into tricky waters about the american idea of the one drop rule, racial identity and racial perception, accusations of "blackfishing", racism in america and racism in the u.k., etc. i'm not going into great detail about that, but I can say that line from my own observation was a sentiment I heard pretty frequently, so I don't think it's pulled "out of thin air" as I've seen critics suggest. again, this is not me saying the british royal family is not racist -- just for clarity (it would be an insane thing to say regardless given that racism is interwoven into the structural history of the british monarchy) the question moreso how much this played a role in meghan markle's integration into royal life -- and this is matt and trey's answer from an american perspective. whether you find this astute or offensive depends on your inclinations when it comes to racial poststructuralism i suppose.

the only reservation i have in their portrayal is the implicit suggestion that prince harry is simply helpless to the whims of meghan markle as a gold digger and could be a halfway decent person outside her influence, which is far too charitable an olive branch to extend his way. my mother had a mild fascination with princess diana and thus both william and harry as they grew up and i remember a time where prince harry's various shenanigan's -- some innocuous, some significantly more egregious -- made for occasional fodder on the news, and this split from the royal family has been some of the best PR of his life considering he is now in a position to reap all the material benefit and privilege his life apart of royal lineage has awarded him (and continues to do so) yet distance himself as the moral black sheep and the more unsavory aspects of his family. though, the interview regarding his book (appropriately re-titled "waaagh") is a good dig at him.

- kyle, oh kyle... i think it’s a common fan interpretation of kyle to be sort of “above” more human pitfalls like self-consciousness or concern with what others think, and it made me glad to see the very opposite in this episode. i think kyle is less overt about these traits than someone like, say, stan or cartman has been in the past, but it’s very clear that kyle cares deeply about what people think of him and can easily become something of a fixation. we saw this pretty clearly in s21; in fact, self-image has been something of a recurring theme with kyle. he’s having a moment and much of that revolves around the constant existentialism in who am i? am i who i think i am or am i who others think i am? how much of people’s perception of me plays into who i actually am? is there any real delineation between the two? these are all very serious and philosophical questions that are at the heart of any discussion about identity; the battle between self-perception and being perceived, individual vs. group, man vs. himself.

there is SO. MUCH. to say about butters and kyle's entire conversation on the stairs about kyle's "brand"

Butters: Some kids call it your credibility or your reputation, but those things are just little parts of something much more important... Your brand. Think about it, Kyle. Who are you? Kyle: I'm just... I-I'm just me. Butters: See? You don't know what your brand is. So how is anyone else supposed to know? It's like a commercial for Kyle, but you're not putting a label on the jar. Kyle: Butters, this seems very out of character for you. Butters: That's because I've been workin' on my brand.

the importance placed on 'identity' has become such a huge conceptual restructuring in how we see ourselves and how others see us. i felt myself acutely in touch with kyle's confusion in stating that he is simply "just me" as this has been my own qualm in a lot of these discussions. but butters pitching it to him as that -- a jar without a label -- effortlessly puts it into simple terms that there needs to be an apparent, visual signifier that screams xyz adjective into public perception.

especially with the predominance of social media, this a huge issue for a lot of people now. a small example that captures this perfectly that most people can probably relate to is spotify wrapped! how many posts (especially on tumblr) do you see of people lamenting that they did not listen to enough 'cool' or 'obscure' music this year, or joking about leaving their spotify playing only 'cool' or 'obscure' music in the last few months of metrics gathering in the hopes of bumping this music into someone's top 5, half-hearted -joking-but-not-really anxiety about people seeing their "true" top artists and making fun of them or not thinking they are Deep or Serious or High Brow enough when it comes time to flood social media with a million different multi-colored cards distilling your personality down into a handful of songs and musicians? it's a nice idea in theory -- but what it culminates in practice is fostering a level of anxiety and self-policing into people who are so dependent on validation and positive affirmation through the internet, having to suppress a private self in favor of a public persona that is carefully cultivated and crafted for the sake of communicating "this is who i am" as opposed to just 'being.' this is not meant to ridicule these people, either -- it's an entirely normal human impulse to want to be understood our peers and community, for there to be concordant harmony between what we think of ourselves and what others think of us. if you considered yourself a generous person, would it not hurt you to hear, say, a loved one describe you as "selfish"?

if kyle does not know how to label himself, how will anyone else?

and it does not work to simply vocalize these traits -- they need to be exhibited in a nonverbal, aesthetic manner. you cannot tell people who you are lest they deem you a tryhard or disbelieve you. we see this when kyle approaches the guys after meeting with the man at cumhammer, where he tells them that he is a, "reliable, fun-loving, punctual, victim." kyle then declares that he's working on himself and that they'll like what they see, cue sad piano music. this is reiterated again by the brand manager who tells him that, "people can't see inside you. they can only see what kind of drink you're drinking."

at first i thought the whole idea of “branding” was going to lead into more about-face commentary on south park re: identity politics (every last identity trait being "victim" in particular i think alludes to this), but i think ‘brand’ itself is a more apt way to describe the manner we as a society are tacitly being encouraged to conceptualize ourselves as Things to be consumed rather than People meant to be experienced. social media specifically encourages people by a variety of means -- bombardment with advertisements, insidious interfaces and design functions designed to entice our baser, easily impressionable impulses not unlike casinos and front-end grocery check lanes, constant access and reminders to categorize ourselves -- to train our brains to monitor our own behavior to this insane degree.

we see just how desperate kyle is to be understood by his peers. more overtly than any other character i think, kyle hates to feel left out. we see how hurt he is in an episode like south park is gay -- the sense of betrayal that accompanies cartman, kenny, and stan dropping kyle for not following the fad and thus not being "cool," when the town issues a moratorium on his speeches (speeches being kyle's primary mode of communication with others and a way for him to process his own beliefs), wieners out etc., and that this isolation is extremely difficult for him to deal with. he is a very people-oriented person, whether those people be townspeople, friends, or family. so he begins to craft an image he thinks will make people like him more by exhibiting what he thinks they want to see from him: "i'm not going to complain about things, i'm more thick-skinned, and I want people to think I'm stronger mentally than I probably am."

but this is the problem -- kyle isn't any of those things, and he knows this! kyle is easily agitated, he is sensitive, and he does not hide distress well. so the only solution is to suppress his natural inclinations and project his cool Brand. It is extremely unnatural to see him saunter in to school as Cool Guy and the other boys show as such; they're confused mostly by kyle's behavior and find it odd. he thinks this is an improvement until he see butters' being beaten on the playground for the sake of his Brand.

his speech at the end that this discordance and suppression of our true selves leads us to be performers as opposed to people is a profound emotional revelation. i do truly love the ending of this episode -- with kyle initially upset with ike for not getting over his emotions and quickly accepting that this is who ike is -- "things get to you, it's who you are" -- in a way that is also a conscious acceptance of who *kyle* is. he walks forlorn out into the living room to hear a knock at the door and see his friends all there, wanting him to get out of the house as he's going through a lot, with kyle thanking them as they go out to play, inviting him to get out of his own head and be present with them as a group. a very touching thought to end on.

I missed the episode last night and I'm stuck at stupid work so my paragraph long post about the new episode is late but forthcoming.

[zingaplanet]

Just spent an hour listening to Carra's podcast with Phil and I realised how precious it is because it's probably the only time we could get such a close insight on how Jamie's relationship with Gary actually is from the perspective of someone's who's truly part of their close circle. It's made me realise some really subtle things that would probably go unnoticed if Phil didn't mention it especially because of how much we might've misunderstood Gary as a person.

Few things:

1. I love how from the very start it's very clear that Gary's going to be a major part of the conversation and indeed about 80% of the podcast is about United but especially about his relationship with Gary basically understanding the experiences that they went through together. Phil even joked in the beginning that he wasn't the original Neville Jamie wanted on in his podcast and might've just invited him to scoop news about the other brother lol

2. I was honestly very very touched with the brotherhood between Gary and Phil. Phil said sometimes they really struggled maintaining that balance between family and rivals but at the end of the day Gary has always been a brother first for him and he mentioned how on the day he was going to end his contract with United, Gary who's always been critical about him leaving their childhood club just dropped everything and phoned Fergie demanding that he met both of them and they got a meeting with him in 10 mins and Gary basically sticking up for him the whole time and being the protective big brother he's needed in the worst moments of his career.

3. These inside jokes that they share about Gary that are truly endearing, show how they are both so exasperated and yet so fond of Gary at the same time. I've had my doubts in the past when both Carra and Gary often denied that they're mates but after listening to this there's literally no way that they're not at least part of each other's close circle. A lot of times during the podcast Carra often throws sticks at Gary, maybe making fun of his character or even at some point saying "Typical Gary" but Phil never corrected him, he just laughed along as if he understood how the dynamic is exactly like between the two, and he knows how well Carra actually knows his brother. He often sometimes says "He must've told you this as well," or something like "I don't know what he said to you about that day" but it's the certainty that he's talking to someone who knows his brother really well that actually made it so fascinating how much he can open up about their brotherhood and their family growing up.

This reminds me of the Co92 promotional video that Gary did with Scholesy and Butty where they were playing heads up with football players. And when Jamie's picture came up, the first thing Scholesy and Phil said to get him to guess him was "your best mate" and "your partner" which I always thought was just a bit of a jibe from the Mancs to Gary for now working with a Scouser, but now that I think about it more, Gary never really denied it and he got it on the second try, which gives a really interesting insight to how his best mates actually understand his relationship with Carra and maybe tease him a bit for having a Scouser in his close circle.

Carra's the same, when Stevie's making a jibe against Gary Neville stealing his best mate, he doesn't really deny it and pokes at it in good fun instead. It's in what's left unsaid between these two, really.

4. This last point is the one that truly shifts my whole perspective on their relationship because I feel like I finally understood why over the years even though they've known each other more than 20 years now, both Jamie and Gary are still reluctant to say they're at least mates on camera despite us seeing how much they actually like each other and are comfortable speaking to each other in the one to one interviews they often did.

So in the podcast Phil basically pointed out bluntly how he thinks Gary and Jamie are literally the most similar person you could ever meet and this coming from someone who knows his brother best is really something. This he mentioned not only in terms of work ethic and how they both understand football, you know working hard, winner mentality etc etc, staying loyal to your club (Phil actually said that Jamie would probably face the exact problems that Gary faced if he goes into management because of their similar temperament) but also because of how they deal with emotions. Specifically, he said that during his last day in United, Gary was the only person he didn't see in Old Trafford who wished him goodbye. He was kicking balls somewhere outside the main pitch. When he came back home in the evening, Gary was there smiling and laughing at jokes. And he said he understands his brother because Gary is the most unemotional person he ever met, he never gives hugs, high fives etc and he's not affectionate in any way, but he knows that he loves his close circle. That's why he didn't want to say goodbye to his brother on his last day at Old Trafford.

So basically Phill calls his brother an emotional retard who doesn't know how to express love lol.

And then Jamie answered, I know exactly what you meant about Gary. And he actually said that before he met Gary he thought he was the most unemotional person on the planet but Gary was on a whole other level 🥲. But what strikes me as amazing is that it's the realisation that both Jamie and Gary actually know each other's personalities really well and how they deal with emotions, although they never really talk about it. It's sort of an unspoken rule that I care about you, and I know you care about me and we don't need to let everyone or each other know by saying it all the time.

It's this unspoken certainty that they know exactly what they meant to each other and how each other's personalities actually are that really shows how much trust and affection is there. And I think this type of affection is the kindest, warmest of them all, my parents do this all the time. It's something born out of pure trust that can only manifest through time. Because they don't have to look, they don't have to say, they just know.

When things get really tough though, just like Gary did for Phil when he was about to leave United, we always see Jamie and Gary sort of sticking up for each other. Gary publicly defended Jamie in front of the producers and on twitter when he was about to be sacked. That tbh is a really bold move, especially given the nature of the controversy at that time, Gary's putting his credibility on the line for his partner. Jamie knows this as well, I remember one instagram live (they were talking about Ole and how the United gang always backs him up on sky) he asked Gary indirectly, whether when it comes to it, Gary would stick up for him and would choose him over his United mates and that was the only time we actually heard Gary confirm it albeit in a very vague way as these emotional retards do. That Carra's as much a part of his circle as his United family.

And Jamie despite him always giving the stick to Gary about Valencia always defended him in his columns saying what a great manager he actually is, as if he wouldn't let anybody have a go at Gary except him.

The other thing that is very fascinating is how Phil understood how unemotional Gary and Jamie actually are as a person, and how much trouble they have dealing with emotions and things that really matter, when both of them are known to be the most passionate, outspoken emotional fixtures in their club and in football. It shows a lot how truly these two are inherently as much a part of football as football is a part of them, that only in football can they ever show their emotions, their failings, their pains and their fears. And that is why you can see how everyone from Dave Jones to Micah to even Phil himself said how similar these two are. Because football was their first love, and really when it comes to love you don't need to say it to be able to understand do you?

[a-stitch-in-time-and-space]

ok i agree w/ everything you said about those ladies besides, lwaxana gives s*xual pr*dator vibes and that is why i dont like her.

I can see that reading for sure and all things are subjective. I do strongly disagree, but hey, fandom is a space for that! Super chill.

to go a little more into this though, since it's not really so much about what any of us feel, but more about how we engage with female characters (and I'll use your example of why you don't like her - not to drag you, your dislike is totally fair, she's fictional, she won't mind, but just because it's a single line that kinda puts her in a box. And not a very nice box to be in, that's for sure...)

a little tw for mild references to some of the shadier writings of star trek vis a vis sexual assault and otherwise sexist and/or strange relationship dynamics

okay so you know how Riker has like. two? episodes that're suuuper shady in terms of his treatment of women and the rest of the time it's pretty chill. and he's one of my favourite characters, but I have gotta skip those episodes, because whatever they were trying to do, they Did Not Succeed - and there's a reading of him that incorporates those elements and if you do you've gotta contend with the character being quite probably someone who's assaulted women.

or how Worf at times espouses sexist shit that makes me roll my eyes outta my head and you're either gonna say "I don't fucking like this character" (and again, totally fair, I've seen people who don't Vibe) or you've gotta find a way to make this work for you if you want to explore that character - or both of those things, you can dislike a character and want to write about them

Or some of the weird shit the writers have Geordi do (which, Geordi is my favourite character in TNG, but sometimes ya gotta breathe and go "the writers are fucking dumb, the writers are fucking dumb")

or - the spiritual successor of Geordi, Julian Bashir (my favourite character from DS9 - clearly I have a Type). You've gotta go: This is stupid writing. I can make it work with my own read of the character, but first and foremost The Writing Is Dumb!

Or hell, Q - since we're talking about Lwaxana and I assume her interactions with Picard and Odo, let's not forget to mention Q, both in TNG and on VOY with Janeway - some of the more urgh-inducing scenes between Q and Janeway are, I think, meant to be charming and funny? And I'm a massive QCard shipper here, okay, I actually vibe so hard with him as an alien who doesn't get shit about boundaries (this mostly with Picard, with Janeway I have gone: "Hm. This doesn't feel good" a fair few times).

or how the writers of DS9 had Garak be in a very uncomfortable relationship with Ziyal, who was a teenager, then not a teenager within much too short a span of episodes (and actress changes)

or Quark. Remember the episode in which Quark tries to get Kira's likeness so he can put it in a sex-fantasy roleplay that she did not consent to? or how there are two cold opens where his female employees are told they have to sleep with him to keep their jobs

or like... Neelix (okay, I am not a fan of Neelix anyway, but for people who are fans, there are times when you've gotta wonder what in the heck the writers are thinking - not the character, the writers)

what I'm trying to say with the post I wrote is that this same graciousness isn't offered to female characters - especially female characters of colour, but in the case of Lwaxana

she's older, she's an ongoing female guest star, she's very (sometimes uncomfortably) sexual towards especially Picard and for a short while Odo, before they become really good friends.

she's also in-text several times in positions in which men are trying to control her (the episode where she gets kidnapped, the episode in which the guy who's married her is a misogynist) and she uses or tries to use her "wiles" to escape these situations.

She's really more of a faded beauty who's putting a pressure onto her daughter (in a rare interesting, complex, fraught mother-daughter dynamic that I loooove) and refuses to let go of the past, because (and here we get into my read, but mildly supported by canon) it's the only way she seems to have learned how to be loved and have relevance. She's terrified of letting that go, because where does she go next, without everything that's defined her? which is why her final episode with Odo is actually so powerful to me.

Picard is never threatened by her in-text. He's not massively fond of her (at first, she grows on him... like a mold), he would prefer to avoid her, but he's not in a powerless situation here. She undoubtedly makes him uncomfortable at times in a way that - like some of the above examples have made me go "mmmmokay" but certainly not the worst example of this in the writing.

With Odo I also don't like how some of her interactions with him go in the first episode they're in together. But once they're friends and you see how easily she accepts him ("I can swim" is always going to be one of my favourite little chuckle lines) that no longer applies. He clearly likes her and enjoys her company. There's something incredibly lifelong platonic partners in their easiness with each other.

You can argue in both cases (and argue well) that there are scenes that are kinda sus. But there are lots of scenes that offer you depth of character. She's not one-note. She's got off moments.

Some of these guys (and others - I haven't watched as much TOS and Voyager so I don't want to misrepresent anyone, but I feel sure that Tom Paris has made me squint once or twice + I've not seen Enterprise yet) have whole episodes that make me shudder.

It's really - within this fandom for sure - open how we interpret characters and I'm not saying anyone needs to read Lwaxana like this or change their minds and like her.

The point of the post is not to say you have to like any of these characters. Or even to say you have to engage with them regardless of how you vibe or don't vibe with them. It's just... I have listened to several up-until-then-enjoyable deeply analytical podcasts where at some point one of the (guys... always guys... I'm guessing white) makes a sneering comment completely dismissing their value within the series.

My point is that Lwaxana (since we're on her) has value as a character within the Trek universe. She added something important. She's not everyone's cup of tea, but it's a big series, we're not all guaranteed to like everyone.

and in the original post I used "shrill" and "cringy" on purpose, because those are descriptors I've heard. And they are absolutely rooted in misogynist dismissals of female characters no matter what shape they take (Keiko, Lwaxana, Michael, and Ezri are radically different from each other and yet all easily brushed aside regardless of screentime, personality, show, age, role/job).

I'm not making points about having to engage with or like characters. I'm just saying we need to be aware of how easily we specifically look down our noses at female characters (and specifically female characters of colour - apologies, this was just because we were talking about Lwaxana, but some of the shit I've heard about especially Michael and Keiko have made me want to bang my head against a wall... or other peoples heads against walls... you know, for a nice change)

so how much sympathy or analysis of behaviour is afforded to female characters vs their male peers. What judgements are we making and how do they compare to our readings of their male counterparts?

sidenote: I hate using male and female about star trek, my brain is just like "why anyone gender? why do this? you're in space? there are aliens? y'all can't chill with the binary for two fucking seconds?"

different post

[badmemory-a]

@finalghosts​ sent:  🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊

under the cut thats like 3 dash pages LKTFGNKJNKTRJNJHTR

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addie was the first character i ever played in a twitter group like she was made specifically for the group and ive adored her since day one . shes the biggest mess because everyone was in 2014 and i had to take the biggest hiatus writing her because i could never find a fc that fit her and worked on indie until i started s2 of euphoria and went omg wait maude would work so well for her ??? like shes the only one of my muses that has a full bio and stats page because she’s my favourite. shes literally my best friend. 

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henry is so based off villanelle it isn’t even funny. like she wasn’t to begin with because i hadn’t seen killing eve but i was watching it like omg this funky littl blonde bitch IS henry and the parallels are so wild. but she’s a contract killer and really good at her job and tries to be heartless but she has a really huge heart and sometimes it gets in the way and also i love them

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i hate to say it ............ wybie was also created for twitter rp and in their twitter verse canonically fucked best friends bc she was bored :/ she’s a youtuber and really into film like . film school graduate and uses that to further her yt career because now she doesn’t know if she really wants to work in the film industry as a woc who has a short temper kfjgnbkjdgnd. has never been in a real relationship and doesn’t know if she even wants to be, has a pet bird, LOVE of my life

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lilith was also a twitter rp character on hiatus because i just COULDNT find an indie fc to work for them. she’s a trained and accredited body piercer and loves her job sm, but she also loves unconventional pets like she has snakes and spiders and is scared of dogs. her parents held her to such high standards growing up that she never felt like she was really good enough for them which lead to her leaving home at 17 to try and start her own life where she only answered to herself and now she’s fully self sufficient because her worst nightmare is having to rely on her parents again. biggest fan of music on earth, hockey fan (derogatory) and is both closed off AND a hopeless romantic

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XANTHE IS MY PRINCESSSSSS she can come across as a maddy carbon copy but it’s just that she never thinks and is the BIGGEST idiot. she isnt malicious or mean she just geta caught up in her emotions a lot. canonically ghosted the same girl twice because she kept forgetting to get her number, is still in love with everyone she’s ever dated, has a pop culture podcast because everyone was doing true crime and she went hmmmm y’all weird i’m gonna talk about my favourite tv shows 

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unlike some of my other muses, lydia IS mean. mean lesbians written by lesbians is my favourite trope and i had to give in ? she’s a lil bit of a misandrist, puts herself first before everyone else and had two separate relationships fail because of how close to her male best friend she was, both women assuming she wasn’t actually a lesbian and was secretly in love with him. her brother named his cat after her, because she suggested it as a joke and he followed through. she won’t bite her tongue to spare anyones feelings

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joey started as a little bit of a wishful self insert. sometimes i project my interests onto characters so i can stop annoying my friends and he got sharks. working as a shark biologist, he since retired from that work and is now a biology teacher at a high school, hoping to shape the minds of his students to further his agenda of protecting marine life, but also just really loving his job. he watches every single marine docu or docuseires and wishes he had those jobs, knowing not much could possibly tear him away from his teaching job. 

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primrose is my second film school graduate, but she does work in the film industry. while her original dream was to become a director, she fell in love with the props department and now works as a prop manager, working towards becoming a prop master and getting to be entirely in charge of the whole department. shes ambitious and hardworking and only dates the wrong people <3

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all you really need to know about grey is they used to lie about being a virgin and heavily relate to 21 questions by waterparks. filmmaker but they didn’t go to film school, they just did it for fun on the side and then kept at it enough that they get to just make short films now, accidentally inspired by the movie home again even though i’ve been writing them for years

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im convinced orla is actually evil to an extent. she cares so little about what people think of her that she just does anything, says anything, and doesn’t worry about the consequences. if she loves you, she loves you with her whole being. but if she doesn’t you’re just another face and you don’t matter too much to her. she has two verses, artist and medic, and in both she’s basically the same. in her artist verse she does comic work and is respected in the field, in her medic verse she does her job well but isn’t the nicest to everyone because she mostly gets hired by sports teams and honestly ? they can handle it

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tell me you’re really into film ooc without telling me. arizona is a film reviewer KJNGFBJKNJ she’s also a mean lesbian BUT i wrote her as a mean lesbian before the show came out so :/ she was born into a twitter rp and absolutely shamed the men that annoyed her. she was still closeted and came out so a man would stop hitting on her, absolute whore but living her best life, doesn’t believe in astrology, biggest ego you’ll ever see

[tandemunicycle]

Farming Sims: an exercise in futility, and the one that got it right

tl/dr: The only good farming game is Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life and I will die on this hill.

Before I begin I would just like to say; I have not done extensive research into the actual logistics of these games or the opinions of goals of their creators, this is based purely on my own experience and opinions.

So first off, some loose education for those who are not indoctrinated, a farming sim is short for a farming simulator, basically a game that, well, simulates farming. The levels of scrutiny in the simulation vary, with some having aspects of fantasy while others delving into the specifics of crop growth and animal management. In many of these farming sims, however, the farming itself is not so much the focus of the game as is the life of a farmer, especially one living in a small town. Growing relationships, fixing up the town, getting married, getting a better farm, all of these common gameplay features of popular farming games such as Stardew Valley and Rune Factory.

There comes a time, however, that many players of these kinds of games become quickly familiar with. It can come early, or later in gameplay as your farm and daily chores become more and more automated, and the daily habit of farm chores become chores to the player as well. I'll just refer to it as the slump, as I don’t know if other gamers actually have a phrase for this.

You see, in these types of games it's all about A. resource management and B. upgrades to living conditions. You chop lots of wood to get a bigger house so you can cook better food and better food lets you farm longer and better tools let you farm even longer than that. These are not inherently slump-inducing, but you soon come to realize as you progress that there is no end. No goal. Sure you may make your farm the biggest or the richest or improve your town to the max but… then what? The years go by and nothing changes. You do chores to what, get a better fishing rod? Romance all the people you can in town just to see what they say? You’re an immortal god in a sandbox full of turnips and although there is no end, most likely you’ll just start over again, because the game wasn’t about the town or the people or you, but about all the shit you could collect and do.

Farming sims induce a strange sort of depression in me. A monotonous day to day that only changes on the surface. Kind of dramatic, but I think it’s true.

Now let me tell you about Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life.

This game is not beautiful. It’s 2003 GameCube graphics with low polygons, the music is often repetitive and lulling, the writing and translations are choppy at best and confusing at worst, some aspects of the game like any farming sim are painfully repetitive and slow, and I think to have fun sometimes you need to plug in a podcast and play mindlessly. But this game does something no other game of its breed had the bravery to do. And it starts quick.

After the first year you have to marry one of the Bachelorettes (or bachelors if you’re playing the Another Wonderful Life version, which I may mention some details from, but generally follows the same formula), and the next chapter (Chapters start with being a year long, then time between them increases, except in Another Wonderful Life where they remain one year long. It is implied that several years had passed in between chapters) you live in a larger home with your wife and toddler son. What has changed other than the size of your home and family? Well, Nina, a kindly old woman who lived with her husband Galan, has died. Galan, now sullen and nearly speechless, has moved to the hill where Nina's grave is, while a new family has moved into the home they once had together.

This immediately breaks the standard set by its predecessors and its successors. Change in farming sims usually only happens when the player initiates it, acting as a sandbox for farming and ranching and dating random hicks, but as you play Harvest Moon you start to realize this isn’t just a farming sim, this is a life sim.

The changes with time don’t stop there. As the years go by the player character and all of the people around them grow and change. Galan after a while (and helped if the player befriends him and keeps him company) comes back out of his shell as a friendly townsfolk again, only to die a chapter later. The player character, as well as other adult characters around you, slowly grow grey hairs and wrinkles. Some faster than others. Your son grows up, and in what I think is a stroke of video game genius, your son's future career path is affected not only by you and what toys you give him, but by who you befriend, what you do, and how you run your farm.

And in the final chapter, chapter 6, when you are old and grey and your son a surly teenager and all the people around you different, some new, some there since the beginning. How does this final chapter end?

You die. And that's the end.

This is the genius of Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life. Change doesn’t just happen because of you, it happens to you. People grow old and die and move away and move in and change and stay the same and when you’re old, you know what? You die too. That is so beautiful. Sure the writing can be flat and sure the characters aren’t as deep as some games, but it also has that unique feel that you can only have in Japanese games that everything going on isn’t said. Some things are just left for you to feel.

For a long time I didn’t understand why other farming games just felt off. Bland and flat and soulless, and I realized after thinking about Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life, that games before and after it had a completely different philosophy to them. They were collector and builder games, about getting the best farm and chopping wood and completing the town museum and fishing all the fish and making the town and land cute and cool and efficient. Those kinds of things aren't bad, but I felt so incomplete with them. They felt hollow.

So I kept looking, for a long time, for something that could compare. Stardew Valley is a great game, but I came into the realization that I would just be doing this, forever with the same people no matter if I played for 3 in game years or a hundred. Other Harvest Moon games, or Story of Seasons games as they’re called in the future, are just painful to play. I got the most recent to come out, Pioneers of Olive Town, and it nearly made me cry in frustration at the pretty graphics and freedom of customization at the sacrifice of everything that gives a game soul. 

Repetitive chores and boring characters are kind of a given for the farming sim genre, but I don’t think any other game of its breed will ever live up to Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life and Harvest Moon: Another Wonderful Life until the people who make these games are brave enough to give the story a satisfying conclusion and make them more than just sandboxes to play in.

So, if you have some time, and some patience, and want to try something a little different, get *COUGH*emulate*COUGH**COUGH* Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life (or the special edition version since it shortens the chapter time because DEAR GOD THOSE GET LONG AND DULL), and tell me what you think, because while I talked about some of the gameplay aspects, I have not even mentioned the half of it and its characters.

[whirlybirdwhat]

Skyjacks fic!!!  Word count: 1.5k

a name, a name, a chance

- A name is something given, and a name is something taken.

Or: a reflection on the characters and names of the crew of the Uhuru - or at least, the Captain's and his council's.

-

A name. Did they have it before the stars fell?

Maybe. 

They aren’t sure. They have it now, two of them, one they aren’t sure when they earned, and the other chosen entirely by them. 

The first. 

Gable. Ga-Ble. God is bright, it whispers in quiet moments. God is bright. God is blinding. 

(God is dead dead dead dead dead burned and scorned and destroyed by their own blade, the blade that gable drove through their heart, the act that made the world collapse and the seas rise and they are dead - fallen - forever)

It weighs like a stone on their shoulders. God is bright. God is blinding. God is dead.

Does it mean they are now the blinding one? The bright one? They don’t feel like it, no matter how much holy fire leaps from their swords and casts glowing light over their face. They are just… Gable.

Fallen. Wandering.

(Gable.)

It’s no wonder that they are more comfortable with the name they chose for themself - the name they picked on a whim, on a moment, all by their lonesome.

Skyjack. 

A sailor. A sailor who steals from ships, who hijacks them and takes them from their own. A sailor from the skies, free and limitless, whose horizon knows no bounds but the sun and clouds.

As a Skyjack, Gable is not fallen. 

As a Skyjack, Gable is not bright.

As a Skyjack - Gable is free, from every duty but to their crew and captain, and that is more fitting than anything they could ever dare to be.

Gable Skyjack.

Perhaps, in time, they could come to like their name.

-

A name. He’s had many. Travis Mattagot, Jolly Jack, Kevin, Puck and Neville, Johnny and Connor - names that flow past his ears like water, each more unimportant than the past. 

He likes the names. He like at the constant change, the constant new assumptions, always being what he isn’t but also what he is. 

(A changeling, never the same body, never the same form, born over and over and over again. Suppose a name could be like that too.) 

Puns, lilting off the tongue. 

His Current is one of his favorites - Travis, according to some far away islands, meaning to cross. It stings in all the worst ways, reminding him of his failures, how he could cross but Margret couldn’t, and how now, he always fails to cross into the next life. A failure, is what he is, horrible and ancient and Travis. 

(He likes it. The way it gives itself to snarls of rage only spoken by close friends, personal and horrible and wonderful. Travis. To cross. To traverse. All he couldn’t and could do at once. Wonderfully confusing.)

And, of course, who could forget Mattagot, the name of a beast, a spirit, helpful and hindrance, one that brings fortune and agony and in the same. A warning. A threat. All cursed by his enemies as they shouted Mattagot and prepared to kill but never quite succeeded. 

Obvious, like a bent card in a deck, but only if you were looking for it. 

Perfection, in a name.

(Of course, though, it isn’t real. A pretend, a fake, a mirage, smothering and covering up the name William that only was spoken when there were gambles to be made. He likes who Travis is - the skyjack, with friends and crew and triumphs.

William is… William is supposed to mean warrior. Protector. Strong willed. 

Travis isn’t William. He could never be. William could never be William.

Travis is just a fraud. A fake. Lasting one more day on a gamble and a debt and oh, if it doesn’t sting sometimes.)

He wants to be Travis. He wants to make Travis real.

He just hopes he can. 

-

A name. Jonnit is a name without a meaning, and it’s just the way Jonnit likes it. A black slate, a way to grow, room to grow, destiny forgotten in the face of something new. With nothing telling him who he is, or who he could be, just a chance to be Jonnit.

Whoever Jonnit would be. 

His parents liked to tell the story sometimes, of how they kept scratching out the names of their firstborn, looking for something fitting, something perfect for their child, their son their AnikBasrDrishSim-unnamed child. 

Then, like magic, they had asked - 

Asked…

Well, Jonnit didn’t know who they asked, probably unimportant, he’s forgotten about, but they came up with Jonnit on the spot.

Like magic, they say, and suddenly Jonnit has a name without a fate,

A chance to be who he wants.

And that’s really the trouble isn’t it? He wants to be so many things - feels like he should be so many kings, so many fates, that it’s hard to choose. Stowaway, cabin boy, apprentice, lookout, star watcher, seer, bird racer, Captain’s council, Jonnit, Jonnit, Jonnit - 

It’s so much sometimes. So, so much, when compared to Gable, who’s gentle smile seems to shine when they’re happy for once, and Travis’ seems so confident spouting what he’s not.

They know who they are. 

Jonnit wishes he knows who he was. 

(Except, he does, doesn’t he? He just isn’t him yet. Right now, he’s Jonnit, the cabin boy. He’s Jonnit, the star watcher. But someday - 

Someday he’ll be Jonnit, star in the sky, captain of a fleet of golden sails that shine like angel fire. He’ll be Jonnit the Starcatcher, Jonnit the Captain, Jonnit, the greatest Skyjack since Orimar Vale, stronger even, freer even, so strong as to help the Jonnit of the past rather than just the present.

He’s not him yet. It’s pressure, so much pressure to live up to him when he’s just Jonnit now, small and young and just starting to know what he’s doing but -

He just wishes he was.)

He will, soon.

He knows this, like how he knows the name Jonnit spreads throughout Burza Nyth and the Liquid Swords and Nordia and N’Goni, back home and through the sky. 

He’ll get there.

He just can’t wait.

-

A name. Dref Wormwood is an odd name, but a comforting one. It’s soft and able to be spoken without a stutter, and gains looks of oh, odd name, rather than oh, I know that name.

It is a comfort, because it is not him, or who he was. It is not Alistair Youngblood, heir to a red-ridden name. It is not Alister Youngblood, born to cruelty.

It is not who he was. 

(Alistair, his family calls, and it is mocking, it is horrible, Alistair Youngblood – Dref could go a hundred years without hearing it and be happy.

But yet, like all things out in the open air, it isn’t to be.)

It is not who he was, but it is who he will be. Dref Wormwood, doctor of the Uhuru. Dref Wormwood, necromancer of Orimar Vale. 

Dref Wormwood friend.

It makes him smile to hear it said, ever since Orimar sounded it out that first time. A blessing. A chance. A name.

His name.

Who he is.

It’s an odd name, but a comfort, because Dref means nothing at all, unlike the regal defender or repeller of Alistair, and Wormwood is a star and a plant and a remedy and a poison, while Youngblood is just a legacy. It’s his name. His choice. His comfort.

(When he dies, his crew does not say Alistair Youngblood. They say Dref Wormwood, friend and crewmate.

Even in the afterlife, the beyond, it makes Dref smile.) 

A comfort, yes. 

-

A name. The name Orimar is a good name. A strong name. A name that means a thousand things across a thousand islands, but a good name nonetheless. 

(It’s a remnant of a culture forgotten, a culture lost, but Orimar clings tight and does not let it go, because he more than a man, more than a Skyjack. 

He is a corsair, and corsairs are as greedy as they are free. He keeps his name and he keeps his home, because he will take the skies and home alike if it means keeping what he holds dear. He will be King. He will be Orimar, boy of something long ago.

Of this, he is certain.)

But Orimar Vale is a feared name, a terrifying name, one that strikes horror into his enemies’ hearts and makes knees and arms and everything shake. 

Orimar Vale, captain of the Uhuru - freedom, sailing in the air. Orimar Vale, the man who will be king. Orimar Vale, lover of the Bandit Queen.

Orimar Vale, immortal in legacy and now in body.

Orimar Vale is a name that will not be stopped. 

(Even if there are moments where he shakes, where he reaches out, where he takes a pause on his steps to power to shelter orphans young and old, people lost and alone, gathering them on his piece of freedom and helping them Take Flight.

He will pause, because he wants o be King, because he wants Power, but also because he wants to protect what is his. 

And he cannot do that without being human to.)

It is name, a legend, that will echo across the skies, even when people say there are no kings, because Orimar Vale is more than a king.

He is a captain. 

And that, perhaps, place in front of Orimar Vale, is the best name of all. 

[eldritchteaparty]

Chapters: 21/22 Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist Characters: Martin Blackwood, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Sasha James, Rosie Zampano, Oliver Banks, Original Elias Bouchard, Peter Lukas, Annabelle Cane, Melanie King, Georgie Barker, Alice "Daisy" Tonner, Basira Hussain, Allan Schrieber Additional Tags: Post-Canon, Fix-It, Post-Canon Fix-It, Scars, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, I'll add characters and tags as they come up, Reference to injuries and blood, Character Death In Dream, Nudity (not sexual or graphic), Nightmares, Fighting, Spiders

Summary: Following the events of MAG 200, Jon and Martin find themselves in a dimension very much like the one they came from--with second chances and more time.

Chapter 21 is also up! Sorry for the spam. Read at AO3 above or read here below.

Tumblr master post with links to previous chapters is here.

***

In a small cabin somewhere in the Scottish Highlands, they are together. It doesn’t seem right, but Martin quickly forgets that, mostly because he chooses to; he chooses to because he is with Jon, and that’s what matters.

It’s cold here. There’s no heat, and Jon doesn’t know anything about starting a fire, but Martin does. That first night he shows Jon how to crumple newspaper and place it on the grate; he shows him how to layer kindling over and around the first log so the fire can breathe. He tells him not to burn anything too big at first, not until the kindling has really caught. He looks up to see if Jon understands, if he’s explaining it well enough—and Jon smiles at him. He wasn’t expecting that, and it flusters him and fills him with warmth at the same time. He can’t help but smile back.

Martin knows they don’t have much time here; he doesn’t know how he knows this, but he knows they will make the most of it. They learn quickly—to live side by side, to keep warm, to share a bed—they learn each other. They aren’t perfect at it, not yet, but they want to be, and that’s enough for them. They divide the work; Jon cleans and Martin walks to the store in the village when they need things. It gives him space, time to breathe, and he knows Jon will be there when he returns. Jon will be there because he wants to be there, and Martin knows this.

They eat together.

It’s just the canteen at the Institute, but on days like this, when it’s the two of them, it seems like more than that. The first time he thought it was a coincidence, that Jon just happened to ask him to grab lunch when he was having a rough day, but then it happened again, and one more time, and Martin is starting to wonder if Jon isn’t more observant than he’d thought. It isn’t that lunch with everyone isn’t great, or that he isn’t thankful for what they’ve all been doing for him since his mother passed. He does appreciate it, he really does. It’s just that sometimes it’s a lot, and with Jon, he can just be quiet and feel the way he feels.

He reaches for a napkin without looking, and his finger brushes against Jon’s as he does the same. Immediately he pulls his hand back; heat rises into his face. That’s it, he thinks. Jon’s going to notice that little bit of awkwardness for sure. He’ll figure me out and that’s going to be the end of these lunches—I guess I’m glad for the ones we had, though. He’s surprised when Jon simply hands him a napkin. He looks up to find Jon reading something on his phone, which he almost never checks at lunch, and he’s relieved. He feels like he’s gotten away with something, but mostly he’s glad these lunches don’t have to end just yet. Eventually they get up to leave; he heads for the door, but realizes Jon has stopped to throw something in the garbage bin.

He waits for him.

He doesn’t like it here; more specifically, he doesn’t like the smell here. He’s never liked the way hospitals smell. The first thing that hits you is the ammonia, the formaldehyde, the bleach, barely masked with a nauseating layer of chemical citrus. But that’s till not the worst, because beneath it you can always smell the sickness, the infirmity, the human indignities the sanitizers are meant to erase. He’s almost used to it now though, he’s here so much while he waits for Jon.

He sits in a chair next to Jon’s bed, and tries to find ways to pass the time. Sometimes he reads, sometimes he just talks to him; there have been a few times, when he hasn’t slept well, when he’s leaned forward to rest his head on the bed. Once he even read Jon a couple of poems he’d written—not any of the ones about him, of course—but he hasn’t done it again on the off chance that Jon might actually wake up. Today, though, is one of the hard days. He misses Jon. They need him; Martin needs him. He doesn’t know how much longer he can do this. He reaches for Jon’s hand. It comforts him, if only a little, because it makes him feel like Jon is still there.

He needs Jon to still be there.

A loud beep comes from one of the machines; Martin turns to call the nurse, but as he does he remembers that all the machines were turned off some time ago. Jon isn’t breathing; his heart isn’t beating. There’s nothing to monitor. He scans the room; he can’t find where it’s coming from.

The beep continued; Jon, the chair, the hospital room, began to fade away. Martin tried to hold on—he wasn’t ready to let go—but he couldn’t. The feel of Jon’s hand in his fell away, and he opened his eyes.

He had been dreaming, maybe, he didn’t know—but the beep continued, and the smell of the hospital refused to dissipate.

[bittywitches]

A random Dialogue I came up with in my head while trying to fall asleep the night before. // G.D

Been having trouble writing lately and ended up just daydreaming (night dreaming?) abt Grayson one night, so I thought I’d try and just get it out and write something. Enjoy :)

You’re sitting in your bedroom, laying on your back with your laptop sitting on your stomach. You’re cuddled up with your jumbo-oversized teddy bear, your head resting on it’s furry stomach and your elbows lazily resting against it’s fat squishy legs. A google doc is opened on your screen, and you’re trying to half-assedly write a response for your final project on why Duke Orsino actually was gay in Twelfth Night, along with many of the other supporting characters, despite what most old white bardolators may tell you. 

You feel a vibration near your leg, and you tilt your head to the side to see someone calling your phone. You pick it up, and your eyes widen when you see that it's a facetime call from Grayson Dolan. This was, of course, a shock, considering you and Grayson weren’t even that close friends, you only occasionally texted each other anymore, barely ever called, and literally NEVER facetimed. You guys had barely spoken to each other since quarantine had started, so it was definitely a surprise. 

Your eyes flicker to your laptop screen, seeing that it’s around 9pm. Not too late that it’s sketchy or anything, but still pretty late for it to be strange.

You place your laptop down beside you and situp, leaning back against your headboard, quickly tying your hair up into a quick messy bun to make yourself look somewhat presentable. You slide the green phone icon across your screen.

Grayson’s face appears on your phone. He’s wearing a cute oversized fuzzy hoodie. His short hair is a bit frizzy, and it still takes you by surprise because you’re so used to seeing his long flowy locks.

“Heyy,” Grayson says, smiling at you. From behind his screen, Grayson sets himself down onto the living room couch, laying back on the arm.

“Hey.” You respond.

“What’re you up to?”

“Uhh, not much. Just working on final assignments and whatnot.”

“Oh, yea, school’s almost over for you, right?”

“Yep, just a few more weeks.”

“Bet you’re excited to finally get time off.”

You chuckle. “Yeah, tired of being stressed all the time.”

“Makes sense.”

An awkward silence fills both your rooms.

“Soo…” Grayson lays his head on the side of his couch.

“What’s up? Why’d you call?” You ask him.

“Oh, no reason. Just bored and felt like talking to someone.”

“Ethan not home?”

“Nah, he went out skateboarding with some friends.”

“This late?”

“It’s not that late. Just went to the park nearby.”

“Sounds fun. You know, I’ve always wanted to learn how to skateboard.”

“Yea?”

“Mhm. Maybe E can teach me sometime.”

“Hey, I know how to skateboard too. And I’d definitely be a much better teacher.”

You laugh. “Alright, next time we meet up you can teach me how to skateboard.”

“It’s a date.”

You both give a lighthearted chuckle, but then things turn quiet again.

“Erm, hold on.” You place your phone down on your bed. 

“Where’re you goin’?”

“Gonna put my phone on a pillow so I don’t have to keep holding it,” You say, grabbing your nearest one and doing your best to balance your phone on top of it.

“Is that a giant teddy bear?” From the angle of your phone, Grayson can see your big stuffed animal sitting behind you. 

“Haha, yea.” You lean back down on it briefly to give him a better idea of the size. “He’s my cuddle buddy.”

“That’s cute.”

“Our relationship has gotten a lot stronger since quarantine started.” You peck the bear on the nose. Grayson laughs.

“I’m happy for you guys.” You giggle, sitting back up. 

“Why thank you.” You turn your attention back to your laptop quickly, and Grayson follows your line of vision.

“So what subject is this final for?”

“English.” You sigh. “Which sucks, because I’m shit at it.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Oh but it is. I always do incredibly bad, I’m literally the worst.”

“Well you’re definitely not the worst, because I exist.”

“Well yeah but it’s not your fault that you can’t read.”

“Hey, I can read!”

“Sorry, It’s not your fault that you’re ass at reading. It is however my fault that I can’t write for shit.” 

He laughs. “Fine, sure.”

You giggle. “Sorry. Just a bit stressed.”

“No big deal.”

Silence again. Usually now would be the time you’d make some excuse and cut the call. But for some reason unknown to you, you didn’t want to do that. You want to fill it.

“Oh, I watched your guys’ last video.” You raise an eyebrow at him. “Tell me you guys weren’t just trying to look like douchebags with your literal 100 grand.”

“Aughhh,” He groans, rubbing his face with the hand not holding his phone. “I swear we really weren’t.”

“Uhuh.”

“I realize that it may not look like that,”

“Oh really?”

“Considering we actually had wads of cash,”

“Mhmmm.”

“But we weren't, I swear. We just thought it’d be funny for a stupid little video.” 

“Okay then.”

“Hey!”

“Not judging.” 

“Since when do you watch our videos anyways?”

You gave him a side-look. “What do you mean? You think I don’t?”

He shrugs. “Dunno. Just assumed…”

“You’re my friend. ‘Course I do.”

He smiles.

“Plus they are pretty fun. Like to have them on in the background when I work sometimes..”

“No way, really?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“I mean, all the ones since quarantine we’ve had to be pretty creative with. Since we’re stuck at home and all.”

“You guys don’t give yourselves enough credit. I love what you come up with. It’s cool to just listen to you both ramble about stuff.”

“...Are you saying you also listen to the podcast?”

Your eyes shoot back to him. He was actually joking, but seeing your guilty expression lead to the smug sort of look on his face.

“You guys have very satisfying voices, okay?”

“Uhuh.”

“Shut the fuck up!” You laugh, and he does as well.

“Either way, thanks. It means a lot that you do. I never really know if people we’re friends with like our stuff, so it’s good to know that at least someone does.”

You smile, and he returns it. 

You suddenly hear a ding coming from his side.

“Oh shit almost forgot about my toast-” You see Grayson’s phone wobble as he gets up to head for the kitchen.

“Avocado?”

“You know it.” “Dang, I don’t think I’ve had avocado toast since…” You pause. “Huh. I guess since I accidentally ran into you at that one restaurant and we happened to get food together.”

“What-” He rights the phone so it’s facing him again. “That was ages ago!”

“Yea, I know.”

“That’s unacceptable.”

“You may think so.”

“Alright, so after I teach you how to skateboard, I’m gonna have to take you out for food.”

You laugh. “Is that a set in stone thing?”

“Oh definitely.”

He sets his food down on a table, and you watch as he tries to balance his phone up against something. He sits down, then takes a bit before looking back up at you.

“So when’s this due?”

“Uhh, tomorrow night.”

“You almost done?”

“Er..” You look at your half written page. “...sort of.”

“So no,” he chuckles, and you do too. 

“I’ll finish it, don’t worry.”

“Didn’t say I was.”

“Well that’s ru-”

“Because I know you’ll finish it,” He interrupts you, and you roll your eyes. “You always do.”

You sigh, setting your elbow down on your knee and resting your face on your hand. You watch him silently for a bit, and he takes a few more bites before realizing your eyes on him. 

“What?” He says, food still in his mouth.

“Nothin’,”

“Yea?”

“Yea, just… kinda just miss you.” You finally blurt out.

He stops chewing suddenly, and looks at his phone with a very intent look. He expects you to say more, but you don’t, looking back at your laptop screen.

He swallows, then sets his toast down. “Kinda just miss you too.”

You smile, trying to hide it by squishing the palm of your hand into your face, not taking your eyes off of the illuminated laptop.

“Why don’t we hang out anymore?”

“Because we’re legally not allowed to.” You finally look back at your phone, grabbing it from it’s pillow stand and then flopping down onto your bear’s belly.

He rolls his eyes. “No, smartass. Before that.”

You shrug. “Dunno. We never really did to begin with.”

“Sure we did, there was the restaurant, and…” He trails off, looking far away at some corner of the room.

“I mean we hung out with other friends. And we talked sometimes.” You shrug again. “Not really much else though.”

He runs a hand through his short hair. “Why not?”

You laugh. “Bro, I don’t know! You never asked!”

“Well I fuckin wanted to!” He rubs his face with both his hands as he chuckles. 

“Really?” Your laughter dies down now, a softer tone taking on your voice.

“Duh, of course.” He tilts his head as his soft eyes look at you. “You’re really fucking cool, and I really wanted to get to know you better, but it felt weird to just randomly come out of no where and be like ‘hey, wanna hang out?’ like that shit usually comes naturally, yknow?”

“Well, we don’t really hang out in the same circles, so I don’t know how it would.”

“Yeah, but I thought maybe…” He sighs. “I don’t know. I didn’t even know if you wanted to be friends or anything, so..”

“Well that’s frustrating.” You slump your shoulders down, relaxing more into your bed. “I really wanted to be friends. Just didn’t wanna seem fucking… annoying or anything.”

“Oh my god why are we like this.”

“I don’t fucking know!!” You both burst out laughing, and you momentarily drop your phone to rub the tears out of your eyes.

“Okay, it’s settled then.” You hear his voice and pick your phone up off your stomach to face it towards your face again, now sitting up. 

“What is?”

“After quarantine and everything is over I’m definitely taking you out for food and skateboarding.”

You grin. “Okay. Sounds amazing.”

“Great.” There’s quiet again, but it’s not awkward anymore, both of your gleeful grins speak volumes over it.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

You giggle. “Okay, I should go. Should probably actually try and get this thing done.”

“Right. I’ll… call you tomorrow?”

You bite your tongue. “Yeah.”

“Okay, bye.”

“Bye.”

You cut the call, and let your arms fall down to your sides as you fall back on your bed and grin up at the ceiling. You squeeze your eyes shut, just breathing in and out to calm yourself down from the little rush. Though the buzz of your phone once again catches your attention. 

You get up and look at it, seeing it’s a text from Grayson. 

Grayson D.: Just realized you probably don’t have a skateboard…

You bit your lip, and flopped down onto your belly now, your legs up in the air as you text him back.

Y/N: You’d be right 😅

Your eyes eagerly watch the three dots bouncing on the screen.

Grayson D.: Would you wanna borrow one of mine?

Y/N: I’m totally good with getting my own, but idk where

Grayson D.: Well there’s this shop near my house…

Assignment long forgotten, you and Grayson end up talking well into the night.